Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Completely Unrelated Dinosaurs
"If we're going to destroy a city, we might as well have fun doing it."
Original air date: August 4th, 2014
Subscribe. If you’d like to have the latest episode of The Jeff and Casey Show delivered fresh to your computer every Monday, you can check out our list of RSS feeds and other subscription options here.
Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show. And I will tell you ahead of time that if you are looking for a good podcast to listen to…
Jeff:
A good feel-time podcast… If you want to be pumped up, this is not gonna be the podcast.
Casey:
If you want to have an hour of podcast right now where afterwards you don’t feel like complete shit, I would highly recommend switching to some other podcast like Radio Lab that has bleeps and bloops in it and whatever…
Jeff:
Right, and so now you know…
Casey:
Whatever you need to do…
Jeff:
That’s enough information for most of our listeners to know. That means…
Casey:
We saw “Transformers”.
Jeff:
Casey and I went and saw “Transformers 4”.
Casey:
We saw “Transformers 4”.
Jeff:
Yeah. Age of… What is it?
Casey:
It’s called “Transformers 4: Age of Extinction”.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Right.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Is that referring to what we’re gonna talk about like the…
Casey:
Well, my understanding was the plot of this film, if you will…
Jeff:
We’re gonna go over the plot.
Casey:
Oh, then why are you asking about the subtitle of the film?
Jeff:
Okay. Let’s put the title on the stack because if you start a movie and you are like 4 words in and you’re already a little mixed up…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s what we’re looking at.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, the script didn’t… You didn’t have to get to page 2 to be confused. I was a little like…
Casey:
So here’s a… I’ll tell you one thing that…
Jeff:
As far as I know, nothing went extinct during that movie so there’s no…
Casey:
I know what the title’s referring to.
Jeff:
I think it’s…
Casey:
I mean, I know what the title’s referring to, Jeff. But we can go… If you want me to wait, I can explain it to you later, I guess. Here’s the thing. I just want to set the scene for the listeners of this podcast…
Jeff:
Let’s set the scene…
Casey:
I’m gonna set the scene…
Jeff:
Wait, are you gonna set the scene of the movie…
Casey:
Us.
Jeff:
Or are you gonna set the scene of us watching it?
Casey:
Us.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, let’s talk about last night and then take it further.
Casey:
Right. So basically, the idea here is that, for reasons that I don’t totally understand, fate conspired at one time for Jeff and I and [ John Blow ] to be at “Transformers” together. I don’t know why that happened but it did. And since then, we have watched the “Transformers” films when they come out.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That’s what happens.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So normally, I’m pretty sure none of us would go to the “Transformers” movie at this point.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There was time…
Jeff:
It is a mutually assured annoyance situation.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We all hate it but we all go…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like a…
Casey:
Yeah. And usually, we try… Our stamina’s going low but usually we try to watch the rest of the “Transformers” [ canon ]. This is an N2 problem…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because basically, the first time we just… When “Transformers 3” came out, we just had to watch 1, 2, and then 3. But then…
Jeff:
Right. We [inaudible 2:31]
Casey:
But now this time, we would’ve had to do 1, 2, 3, 4.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And instead, this time we were just like, “Fuck it.” We just watched 3 and then 4.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, 3 was much worse than any of us remembered.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
When we watched it last night, everyone was like, “This was way worse than we remember it being.”
Jeff:
I was angry at the end. I did not feel good. I did not even feel like… I felt like I had been assaulted.
Casey:
Yes. And we talked about this. I believe we podcasted “Transformers 3” at the time.
Jeff:
Okay. I don’t remember we did.
Casey:
I don’t really remember but “Transformers 3”…
Jeff:
I don’t remember hating it like I did last night. It was rough.
Casey:
So, it was really rough. And the thing about “Transformers 3” that’s really interesting is basically like the entire movie is built out of things that don’t work at all. It’s a little different than “Pacific Rim”. So “Pacific Rim” is the hallmark of the entire movie’s built out of things that don’t line up at all, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s kind of an interesting thing and we talked about that a little bit but “Transformers”…
Jeff:
“Transformers” is not like that. “Transformers” is…
Casey:
“Transformers 3” is very different because “Transformers 3” is built on things that literally aren’t true. So they’ll do stuff like at the beginning, they will base the entire plot around the fact that Sentinel Prime, this other robot, is the only robot, the only thing in the universe…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That can operate this inter-dimensional gate. And then at the end of the movie, one human can just turn it on, it turns out.
Jeff:
Right, right, an accountant. Let’s be clear, he was a CPA.
Casey:
A CPA…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So he was qualified. He had certain qualifications…
Jeff:
Right, I mean…
Casey:
[inaudible 3:55]
Jeff:
[inaudible 3:55] you know, reconcile some stuff…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Probably balance some things…
Casey:
To be fair, I don’t think there is any Cybertron technology that is as complicated as the US tax code. So…
Jeff:
That is true.
Casey:
At some level, I feel like Michael Bay may have been making a legitimate statement at that point.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And I think we all know how he probably feels about the US tax code, Michael Bay.
Jeff:
I feel like most of the things that end up in his movies are the things that are bothering him at the time. So if there’s, like, an ex-girlfriend that’s nagging…
Casey:
Right… Then that’s in there. Okay.
Jeff:
You know, he puts himself into the art, Casey.
Casey:
Write what you know, Jeff. You write what you know.
Jeff:
He probably had an accountant that gave him some shit.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So it became the evil accountant.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Literally in “Transformers 3”, the main bad guy…
Casey:
Is an accountant.
Jeff:
Is an accountant.
Casey:
That’s right. Yes.
Jeff:
He says it a lot, too.
Casey:
Yeah. No, it’s really clear.
Jeff:
It’s not like…
Casey:
It’s not…
Jeff:
“Oh, I’m like a tax attorney. I’m a CPA.”
Casey:
Yeah. There’s not a pan shot where you see his [inaudible 4:42] he says it in the film.
Jeff:
And he’s like a billionaire, right? Now, I don’t know about your accountant…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But mine doesn’t have a car collection.
Casey:
No, mine doesn’t have a car collection, either. Okay, here’s the thing to finish the setting. So we are going to see “Transformers 4” today. That was the plan. That was a whole thing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We saw “Transformers 3” last night and we were like, “We made a huge mistake.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’re like, “This was a mistake…”
Jeff:
Well, what was scary was that it was rated, like, 36…
Casey:
Right. It’s rated something like 36 on Rotten Tomatoes…
Jeff:
And then this was rated 17…
Casey:
“Transformers 4” is 17.
Jeff:
So we’re like…
Casey:
So it’s not… Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s almost twice…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s more than twice as bad is the way I look at that.
Casey:
Well, in my mind, I’m thinking maybe that’s a good sign because you want like… Like, I’ll sit down and watch [ Asylum ], I’ll watch “Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus” or whatever and have a great old time.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So if you can break through the [ Asylum ] barrier and get into complete, like, absolutely worst thing ever, I am having a great time. The problem with the “Transformers” films is they skirt that line.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They never quite get bad enough to be good. They literally maximize that U-curve of, “This is just absolutely terrible to watch. Period.” That’s all it is, right?
Jeff:
I think the other thing that the “Transformers” do that is kind of unique, I think is that they’re technically well-shot…
Casey:
Expensive, yes, filmmaking, yes…
Jeff:
Beautiful… They hire good actors…
Casey:
And the effects…
Jeff:
[ Who struggle ]… And the effects are good. It’s just… The weird this is there’s no cohesion. Like, there’s no way to make a story that makes sense.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos they even break their own rules in the sense that like…
Casey:
Right…
Jeff:
Hey… The entire point… They send in 3 robots to the moon…
Casey:
Yes, they do.
Jeff:
They send robots to the moon in their Autobot ship just to get a robot back to start this bad thing…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That turns out an accountant can start…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, they send those robots away…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
In another ship. They don’t even send them away in the Autobot ship. It just… So like, nothing… It’s not even… They don’t even use the same ship.
Casey:
Well, so there’s some interesting things about that, too, which is that in that film… And we’re getting off-topic here. I was trying to set the scene… But one of the interesting things with “Transformers 3”…
Jeff:
Right .
Casey:
And I don’t think I put this together at the time when we first watched it is that you’ll notice that when the first time they go to the moon and they say, “We’ve got this ship and we’ll go to the moon,” I think that may have been retcon. I think that may have been like an ADR thing that happened because one of the interesting things is you never see that ship.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They don’t travel there. I think they were just like, “Wait a minute. How did they get to the moon? Fuck. Alright. They have a ship.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Cos they never… They don’t fly around in that ship at all. Like in this movie, they have a ship. You see it. They fly around in it.
Jeff:
Right. That’s true.
Casey:
Here, it’s just like, “Holy shit. We need a ship.” So there’s a ship for, like, 5 seconds of this film, there’s a ship. And it’s never discussed again.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, where do they park that, by the way?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, where is that hangar?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And like, who knows? We don’t know. It’s just… There’s a ship. And then it’s gone. And, okay… Pausing all that, though… Setting the scene for… Oh, you know what? Was that ship the one that gets launched into outer space with the Challenger shuttle on it for no reason?
Jeff:
We don’t know. There’s just… But they didn’t refer to it…
Casey:
Maybe that ship? Or that’s just some other ship?
Jeff:
It’s another ship.
Casey:
That’s another ship?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We don’t know… You know what, I’m not gonna try and figure out “Transformers 2”. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Yeah, 3.
Casey:
Maybe it wasn’t… I’m sorry. 3, yes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So anyway, trying to set the scene…
Jeff:
It was a disaster.
Casey:
Trying to set the scene… So we’re going to watch “Transformers 4” today and we think this is probably a bad idea.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
No one’s feeling very confident about this.
Jeff:
The other thing is we may have watched 3 too close to 4 so we didn’t get our Bay reserves back up.
Casey:
Yeah, you’re right. We are drained. [inaudible 8:26]
Jeff:
’Cos it was hurting in that last hour…
Casey:
We were hurting it… So what we did is we went to a fancy pants movie theater that they have…
Jeff:
Yeah. The 1%. . .
Casey:
The 1% movie theater where you basically… You get served food while you are watching the film.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the…
Jeff:
And you can order wine and… It’s ridiculous.
Casey:
You can order whatever you want. You can order whatever you want.
Jeff:
Because I like to pair my “Transformer” movies…
Casey:
I had a lobster roll, okay?
Jeff:
You had a…
Casey:
I had a fucking lobster roll.
Jeff:
“I want lobster.”
Casey:
“I want lobster.” And they gave me lobster. That is how this place…
Jeff:
Operates…
Casey:
Rolls… Now, the interesting thing about that is I’d never put together… I’d seen I think 3 or 4 films there with you because you like to go there.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I would not go… Because this is out of the city. So I would not be going there if it wasn’t for you.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But you were like, “I want to go there.”[ Usually used to… ]
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So I used to go there and we saw some quality films there. “Ted”…
Jeff:
“Ted”…
Casey:
About a farting bear or whatever the fuck… A teddy bear.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah. We saw that with your folks. That was terrible. Yeah, I was so angry.
Casey:
It was not terrible compared to this.
Jeff:
Yeah, but I was more mad at that one.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I just went out in a bad mood.
Casey:
Okay. So anyway, we saw “Ted” there. We saw “The Dark Knight Rises” which is a really awful film.
Jeff:
[ Strong one ], yeah, okay.
Casey:
And we saw something else. But one thing that I didn’t… Until we got to the 17 percenter, until we got to “Transformers 4”, a thing that I hadn’t appreciated was that the food gets me through, like, an hour and a half or so. Like… ‘Cos these are all films I don’t want to see and I don’t like.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? And so, I’m watching these films and they’re terrible… What I’m realizing is the lobster roll is getting me by, Jeff.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m getting by on the lobster roll.
Jeff:
You’re thinking about the lobster roll. Right.
Casey:
And you had something delivered that was like a martini glass filled with peanut M&M's. And that was fucking fabulous.
Jeff:
And you got another one.
Casey:
I bogarted the whole thing so we ordered a second one, yeah. And that, to me… Like, I didn’t… The whole time during that first part of the movie, I was like, “This isn’t that bad,” right? Then, the food ran out and it was like hitting the end of a bungee jump…
Jeff:
Right…
Casey:
And realizing you’re tied to a rope, right? It was like, bam. You just, like… It was like a noose…
Jeff:
You reached terminal velocity and you were comfortable with it…
Casey:
It’s like a hangman fracture, yeah.
Jeff:
And then, it’s like… Yeah.
Casey:
It was like, “Oh, man,” except there wasn’t any fracture. It was actually the opposite of that. It was that you didn’t get the hangman fracture so you’re just gonna sit there, bleeding out, like, asphyxiating for 15 minutes…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In this case, an hour and 30 minutes… So the problem, basically, for me was the food ran out and then it was just the Michael Bay film.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And this… Listeners, if you have not seen this movie, this is a long, long film. One of the longest movies I’ve possibly ever seen.
Jeff:
Yeah, 166 minutes.
Casey:
166 minutes. This is like JFK long and there was no intermission.
Jeff:
Yeah, that was rough.
Casey:
So here’s the problem. You know, we sat down. We’re in these plushy seats…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Everyone’s a little nervous but the food’s coming. It’s gonna be fine.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’ve got the popcorn there. It’s good to go. And the thing starts up. The movie starts up, right? And something clicked for me that had never clicked before in, like, my wordplay…
Jeff:
Oh, okay…
Casey:
My wordplay brain…
Jeff:
You had an epiphany.
Casey:
I had an epiphany.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I had a total epiphany. And that was, like… At the beginning, it just said “Based on action figures,” or something…
Jeff:
Hasbro.
Casey:
“Licensed from Hasbro.” And I was like Hasbro.
Jeff:
Bro, yeah.
Casey:
I never parsed that before.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
I was like, “That’s like… If Michael Bay could have named his film company…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“It would’ve been Hasbro.”
Jeff:
Right. It has bro in it.
Casey:
Right? It would’ve been like, “C’mon, bro.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, “What up, bro? Let’s film this movie, bro.”
Jeff:
I feel like it just has bro-ness in it.
Casey:
Yeah. It just has bro in it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And so that, to me, was a good omen because I was like, “Alright, this is…”
Jeff:
You’re feeling good?
Casey:
It’s setting up the scene nicely, this Hasbro-ness.
Jeff:
So should I do a quick rundown of what happened and then we can dissect some personal bits?
Casey:
I think we’re pretty much gonna have to just go through the movie…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Chronologically… And we will talk about all the problems as we go because you can’t analyze it as a whole because it’s not a whole.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s a sum of its parts that adds up to zero.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, the opening scene of the movie, the very opening scene…
Casey:
The opening scene…
Jeff:
Now, there’s this… If you haven’t seen the movie and you give a shit about this stuff, check out now because it’s all…
Casey:
We’re gonna discuss everything.
Jeff:
I’m gonna shit on this right up until the end.
Casey:
Everything, yeah. So we’re gonna discuss everything. But frankly, I wouldn’t use the term “spoiler alert” because that assumes that us telling you something could prepare you for any of the shit that happens in this movie and that’s not true.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’s none of that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You can’t actually be spoilered on this film.
Jeff:
So it opens with a business woman being very angry at some worker…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Wait. Up in the…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
In the Arctic.
Casey:
It doesn’t, does it?
Jeff:
Yes, it opens in the Arctic.
Casey:
I thought it opened with a dinosaur.
Jeff:
No, that’s in the Arctic, remember? It said “The Arctic”.
Casey:
No, it opens with a little tiny dinosaur…
Jeff:
Oh, that’s true.
Casey:
In the, like, Jurassic Period.
Jeff:
Right, there is that… Right, there is that completely animated part at the initial part. Right.
Casey:
So let me help you out here.
Jeff:
That looked like…
Casey:
Hold on.
Jeff:
That was the worst of the animation, by the way, when he had to do non-robotic dinosaurs.
Casey:
Oh, right, non-robotic dinosaurs…
Jeff:
I was like, wow…
Casey:
Okay. So it starts off…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And we see a scene from the Pliocene Period… I don’t know. I don’t know my periods.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We see the dinosaurs, whatever the period of dinosaurs is where they go extinct.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
We see the dinosaurs running around, dinosaur-ing things…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And all of a sudden, there are giant Transformers spaceships that are flying around and they shoot down a bunch of little bombs…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That [ Teroform ] the whole planet into metal, basically.
Jeff:
Right. It turns the organic material into…
Casey:
Into metal.
Jeff:
Yes. So like, if there’s dinosaurs, they turn into little…
Casey:
Metal dinosaurs.
Jeff:
Metal dinosaurs, right.
Casey:
And those things, these sort of… This metal-izing of the planet is… You are supposed to, by implication… And the scientists will explain it in a minute… Led to the extinction of the dinosaurs…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So the reason that they went away was not a comet. It was the Transformers. Now, one interesting thing is I feel like in Michael Bay’s world… Like, I was expecting to see Jesus get turned into metal at that same time.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I thought he was, like, full-on Christian and stuff, too. But I may just be projecting. He may not actually be religious. He may just be [inaudible 14:15]
Jeff:
I feel like the depth of his spirituality is the depth of everything else in him…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is just, like, “Yeah, man…”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The California kind of very shallow spirituality…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So nothing specific like that.
Casey:
So we see this happen. The planet becomes metal. Cut to present day Antarctica you…
Jeff:
Yes. And so, there’s a businesswoman who is yelling at somebody for something. She starts out having some attitude with the person.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which you need to get used to in all of his movies in that the scenes build up to an emotion…
Casey:
They just start with an emotion, right.
Jeff:
They start with that emotion. And this is somebody being mad at somebody else and is showing how powerful she is by, “I’m going to shut this operation down if what I think is here is here.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
She even gets a gun pulled on her for no apparent reason. And she’s like, “What? Are you gonna shoot me?” I’m like, “I don’t know who any of these people are. This is the first people we’ve seen for 30 seconds.”
Casey:
That’s right. Now, one thing that I should point out to you is this scene takes place around a free-standing metal detector.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So there’s…
Jeff:
Right, so there’s a huge…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
There’s a huge field of ice and they’ve erected a little blue…
Casey:
A little metal…
Jeff:
It looks like a doorway.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But it’s not a portal to another dimension.
Casey:
Hold on. No. I want to be 100% clear about what happens. The motivating action in this scene is as follows. A woman enters the scene. We are in a field of ice and there is a lone standing metal detector in the middle of the field of ice, okay…
Jeff:
With one TSA guy.
Casey:
It is unclear what it is powered by.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There are 2 men — One who is in charge and one who is a lackey holding a gun.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The woman barges in from nobody knows where. She just comes in to this scene. And the ma is like, “Oh, here we go again.” Like, “Here comes the bitch.”
Jeff:
Yeah, “Here comes the big boss lady,” yeah.
Casey:
“The big boss lady and I don’t want to deal with this right now,” right?
Jeff:
Right. She sets his straight.
Casey:
She comes in. they start arguing. And he’s like, “You’ve got to go through the metal detector.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
She walks through the metal detector. It goes off. No one cares.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The other guy pulls a gun on her and the dude says, “Don’t shoot her.” That’s the entirety of that scene…
Jeff:
Yeah. They set it all up for no reason.
Casey:
What is that metal… What is it there to detect, Jeff?
Jeff:
Cameras, remember? No one was allowed to take pictures.
Casey:
But who is going to be in the Arctic who wouldn’t just sneak around the back if he wanted to take a picture?
Jeff:
Well, Casey…
Casey:
They’re not gonna go through the one place that has a free-sitting metal detector in an entire field of ice.
Jeff:
This is Michael Bay talking about the theater of security in our modern world.
Casey:
TSA.
Jeff:
Yeah. He’s just explaining how silly this is, man. You don’t get it.
Casey:
No, you don’t.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
He should have opted for the pat down. That’s how we would’ve known this was really a TSA statement. She should have like a little scan…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where it, like, it would show her naked or whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, she goes up and here’s one of these frozen metal dinosaurs…
Casey:
Presumably from the first scene…
Jeff:
From the first scene now which I’m surprised we haven’t found a lot of those all-metal dinosaurs in our digging around.
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Nope.
Jeff:
That would be easier to find than bones.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We found a lot of bones and this is the first one. She says some…
Casey:
Now, well, I’d like to… Hold on…
Jeff:
She’s excited for some reason, yeah.
Casey:
To be clear about this, all of the dinosaurs were turned into metal. That’s why they went extinct.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So how we ever found bones at all is completely unclear. There’s no explanation of that.
Jeff:
Well, Casey, there’s a lot of dinosaur periods. That’s the thing you’re missing.
Casey:
Okay, so there’s the dinosaurs and more dinosaurs, dinosaurs, dinosaurs, dinosaurs, dinosaurs… Alright.
Jeff:
So we had, like, the Jurassic turned into these guys…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then they died out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, [ their spark shit the bed… ]
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And then we had the Triassic after… I don’t know the order.
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know order, either. But yes, there’s lots of dinosaur periods and lots of metal dinosaurs and that’s all fine so it’s good to go.
Jeff:
Alright. Now… Then she’s like… And you think she’s gonna be a big character. We do not see her again for about 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Casey:
Yeah. She is there literally in, like, this scene then the next scene to explain that the dinosaurs went extinct because [inaudible 18:11]
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
One of the things is…
Jeff:
She also carbon-dates that metal somehow.
Casey:
She carbon-dates the metal…
Jeff:
I don’t know how the carbon works…
Casey:
Just so they know that it wasn’t something that the Russians put there, I guess, which would be [inaudible 18:19]
Jeff:
A lot of carbon in metal, I understand.
Casey:
So here’s the other thing I would say about this. This is classic Michael Bay storytelling which is… In normal storytelling in a movie of this nature (which I guess I use that term loosely because I don’t know that there are other movies of this nature besides his) but normally what you do is… So the opening scene normally of a film with this plot line is the discovery of the metal dinosaur. And it’s crucial that the audience not know why there is a metal dinosaur because that is why you will watch the next hour.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So the motivating action… The first scene is supposed to add the curiosity of it. Michael Bay shows you why there’s a metal dinosaur before you even see the metal dinosaur.
Jeff:
Casey, you’re doing this…
Casey:
He shows the answer… It’s totally backwards.
Jeff:
Steven Spielberg always said never show the monster, right? Extend that time as long as possible?
Casey:
Oh, did he say that?
Jeff:
Yeah. Like the “Jaws” thing is, like, you don’t see the shark for a long time but you feel him.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
He’s just going next gen. This is movies 2.0.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
He’s like, “I’m gonna show you the monster…”
Casey:
“I’m gonna show you the metal monster…”
Jeff:
And we won’t have the monsters again for a while. But, like, we’ll get back to him.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But let’s skip that because we have to get to more important things.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And that is, of course, Mark Wahlberg.
Casey:
Now, wait. You missed one crucial plot element that happens at this time.
Jeff:
Oh, we gotta get it in there.
Casey:
So we cut back, I believe, to the lab at some point right there where they’re talking about having to get the metal or does that happen later?
Jeff:
I think that happens later.
Casey:
That was later? Okay. Keep going.
Jeff:
I think we cut right to Texas, USA.
Casey:
Texas, USA.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because Arctic is not USA yet.
Jeff:
No, not yet.
Casey:
In Michael Bay’s world, anyway.
Jeff:
Yeah. So then we cut there and we learn that Mark Wahlberg…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Is an inventor.
Casey:
He is an inventor.
Jeff:
He is an inventor.
Casey:
He is an inventor.
Jeff:
And he invents pretty shitty robots on the order of, like, “Rocky 3”, the little robots that bring you a beer…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know those shitty ones they made in the 80’s?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, that have a little tray, that little thing with a tray…
Jeff:
And people imagined that… And you’re like, somebody has to put the beer on the robot…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then has to pilot the robot back to you…
Casey:
The one that sat in the background of silver spoons…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That robot is what this guy invents. Now…
Jeff:
He makes these…
Casey:
To be clear, I don’t know… When you think of, “We need to cast someone as an inventor.” And your mind goes to Marky Mark…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is a very interesting thing casting decision.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m interested to know who decided… And I suspect that just like everything else in this movie, the person who does the casting probably doesn’t actually read the script.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
They’re just like, “We need the main guy.”
Jeff:
Oh, that script wasn’t done when they had…
Casey:
“We signed up Mark Wahlberg when we said ‘Transformers 4’.” That’s how that worked. Okay.
Jeff:
So we set him up. And he goes…
Casey:
Is going to a movie theater.
Jeff:
He goes to a movie theater. It’s like a meta thing.
Casey:
[ An abandoned… Like an old… ]
Jeff:
And there’s even some jokes about sequels…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I’m like, “Oh, it’s getting crazy meta,” you know?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And then…
Casey:
Well, just to be clear…
Jeff:
We find out he’s a junk kind of… He collects junk…
Casey:
Yeah, he’s a junk collector.
Jeff:
And fixes up… And he’s looking at this old theater for gear.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s a scavenger thing, basically.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I think as he goes and he gets salvage or whatever and he brings it back and sells it…
Jeff:
Now, in this movie theater…
Casey:
So he’s a junker.
Jeff:
And he’s looking around and he sees some movie cameras. He’s gonna tuck that. There’s some little… You know…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Dialogue back and forth, you know, joking it up.
Casey:
Quippy.
Jeff:
And then he finds in the theater…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
A diesel truck.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like a full-on cab. So to be clear…
Jeff:
So there’s a truck in the theater, like off to the side…
Casey:
Let’s talk about where it is, actually. So if you were in… And this theater doesn’t look like a modern movie theater.
Jeff:
No, no.
Casey:
This looks like a classical stage theater.
Jeff:
It looks like the Alamo in…
Casey:
It looks like a stage theater, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah.
Casey:
So it’s basically got wings. It’s got mezzanine. It’s got those old seats with it, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it’s got a little stage…
Jeff:
Well, I really like those old theaters because the diesel trucks they have in them are so beautiful.
Casey:
That’s the good point. Really well done diesel trucks.
Jeff:
They’re ornate. They really used to do that, yeah, like the hubcap detail…
Casey:
In the place… So normally, if you were in an old classic theater of this nature and you were sitting in, say, the first few rows…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Of the theater… Off to your left…
Jeff:
Your left, stage right.
Casey:
Your left, stage right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What would normally be there, in the old days, that’s where like the pipe organ went.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There was, like, a place where this thing… In the place where that would normally be is just the front of the truck.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Period.
Jeff:
Right. Now, a beat-up truck.
Casey:
Very, very dusty.
Jeff:
It’s beat-up. And it did not look like…
Casey:
They went crazy on the dust shader. They cranked the dust shader to, like, 100%.
Jeff:
They really tricked us because it did not look like a Transformer. This was a broken down truck.
Casey:
Yeah, there’ll be no way anyone could ever guess that it was any kind of transforming robot.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’d be no way you could ever tell that.
Jeff:
Now, he opened the cab and a whole bunch of shell cases…
Casey:
Well, first he takes it home. He’s like, “How much for the truck?”
Jeff:
Well, I thought… Remember, he opens and some shell casings come out in the theater?
Casey:
Oh, yeah, you’re right. Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Some shell casings come out and they’re like, “Well, I guess they put those in there.”
Jeff:
That doesn’t raise any suspicions in his mind.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No. Also, by the way, when the drives to the theater on the way, there’s a big billboard that says, “Remember Chicago.”
Casey:
“Remember Chicago.” Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s a whole bunch of Dystopian…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, this one is not any ra-ra stuff like the other movies.
Casey:
Well, we’ve got to get to that once it starts happening because that is very interesting.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This was the total 180 of Michael Bay philosophy in my mind.
Jeff:
Exactly. Yeah.
Casey:
That was very interesting but one of the things that’s interesting is so there’s no discussion of how the truck got in there. There’s also no discussion of how the truck…
Jeff:
Got out…
Casey:
Gets out…
Jeff:
Yep. No.
Casey:
The truck just appears back in a tow truck, getting towed to his house all of a sudden…
Jeff:
They hooked it to the fly system…
Casey:
Yeah. It’s fine.
Jeff:
They flew it away out there.
Casey:
Stages… They’ve got to load scenery and there’s plenty of big doors out in the back. So they probably just hoisted it up. It was fine.
Jeff:
Yeah. Just opens up and drops down to the…
Casey:
I’m sure it was fine. Don’t worry about it.
Jeff:
So yeah. So we meet them and he’s fussing with his truck and his daughter gets mad and this is…
Casey:
We should talk about the daughter…
Jeff:
The daughter, yeah. I was gonna say…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There is a new dynamic at play…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Whereas the 3 previous ones…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Shia Labeouf is with hot girls…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The same hot girl in the first 2…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
New hot girl in the 3rd one…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Who seemed to be 8 or 9 inches taller than he.
Casey:
She was so much taller than him that it looked kind of weird.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So they were…
Casey:
It was like a Danny De Vito situation.
Jeff:
But this time, you got Mark Wahlberg who’s a little bit older, right? And it’s like, “How’s that gonna work?” Now normally in Hollywood, Casey, they do tend to take the fat, White male guy…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Has the hot wife, right?
Casey:
Right. Okay. Right.
Jeff:
They still give him a hot wife because that’s how Hollywood casts these things.
Casey:
And Marky Mark is not fat, anyway. He’s kind of buff.
Jeff:
No, he’s buff, too.
Casey:
He’s pretty buff so he’s got…
Jeff:
They could’ve sold that. But Michael Bay, he turns it on us…
Casey:
He turned it.
Jeff:
And this time…
Casey:
Turned it around.
Jeff:
And this time, the hot girl… And she’s… I mean, we can argue about her hotness but that’s not… Neither here nor there…
Casey:
That’s not…
Jeff:
Her purpose is to be hot.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because they do do the standard Michael Bay shot looking upwards at her ass as she walks away, right?
Casey:
There are shots in this film that literally start at her feet and go up to her ass that are not involving her.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So there’ll be, like, people who are doing something else and that’s the shot…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they just do that and then go to the shot.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you’re like, “What fucking ADD camera movement is this?”
Jeff:
Well, let me tell you about that for one second.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I once went to a beach in Florida with my brothers.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We’re hanging out there. And this was back before cellphone cameras.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I had a camera. And it was one of the first ones where you could do video or take pictures…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And anyway, I’d not thought about this at all but I had the camera somewhere and unloaded all the pictures. I’m like, “Oh, here’s all these pictures at the beach. Here’s us here. Here’s a video.” There is a video of me where I’m filming things…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Other things…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And every time a girl walks by, I end up following her…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And then I like, go, “Oh, wait, what…” You can see me go, “Oh, whoops.”
Casey:
Awesome. Okay.
Jeff:
“I’m filming. Why did I do that?”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I’m just…
Casey:
He didn’t get past that point?
Jeff:
No, he just…
Casey:
He’s still there. He’s still on that level.
Jeff:
They just used it. The [ DP ] like, “Oh, she’s really fucking hot… Oh, shit. Sorry. Cut. Let’s re-roll. Let’s start over.” Nope…
Casey:
Yeah. Except in this one, she’s not hot and that’s the interesting thing…
Jeff:
Well, yeah…
Casey:
But… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
I mean, she’s too young to be that hot, really.
Casey:
Right. That’s true, yeah. Maybe they’re trying to go for the 14-year old crowds, though. You’ve got to [inaudible 26:35]
Jeff:
Yes. But she is not his wife. She is not his love interest. She is his daughter.
Casey:
Right. Okay. Alright. Okay.
Jeff:
And so this is the classic… This is one of the feminism tropes of, like, either you have a girl who’s in distress.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, it’s not that much of an upgrade…
Casey:
I don’t think you mean feminism tropes…
Jeff:
Well, I mean… Yes, that’s true.
Casey:
A feminism trope would be a very different thing.
Jeff:
Right. A female character trope of, like, “Hey, it’s not necessarily an upgrade to take a character who is a girlfriend who’s under distress and then just make her your daughter and she’s still pretty helpless. But that’s…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But in this movie…
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
She becomes somewhat powerful at the end but we’ll get to that.
Casey:
So one of the interesting things about women in Michael Bay movies, though, is his portrayal of them is actually not that they’re ever in distress. It is that they are useless.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There’s a big difference between those two things, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Distress is, like, “Oh, she keeps getting captured and they have to rescue her…”
Jeff:
Useless and burdensome…
Casey:
Most of the time…
Jeff:
Burdensome like…
Casey:
Most of the time, they’re just useless in Michael Bay films.
Jeff:
Well, last night… We were talking about this last night. One of the interesting things in the third movie, one of the women characters actually does something in the movie.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And what she does…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is talk shit to Megatron…
Casey:
Yeah, she spreads rumors with Megatron…
Jeff:
She causes some drama with Megatron so that he does a double reversal and kills the first prime.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so, in his mind, he’s like, “Yeah, that’s feminine power.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “The only thing you said she could do is cause some shit?”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
It is interesting though… So there is one piece of credit you could give the screenwriter, I guess, for that.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which is one thing that I do think is kind of lame these days is most “female empowerment” writing that is done in Hollywood or in fiction is actually just swapping in a guy but keeping it a girl…
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah.
Casey:
So at least they were trying, I guess… This was…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I feel like we could’ve done a better job at it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
At least they weren’t just, like, “Oh, just strap some body armor on her and have her be a dude…”
Jeff:
It’s a tough guy…
Casey:
Tough girl, right, or whatever the fuck…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Which is super… Which annoys me, as well. It annoys me almost as much as the useless and just a dude both annoy me because they’re both fucking annoying.
Jeff:
I just feel like Michael Bay thinks of, like, what a woman could bring to the table…
Casey:
Right, to the table, yeah.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “Oh, she can cause some drama,” or, “She can shake her ass to distract the bad guy while we shoot him in the head, like, Ooh…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, the bad guy would be like, “Mmm, let me give you some of that…” And then, shot in the head. That’s like, his…
Casey:
Where’s the female robot, Jeff? Where’s the female robot?
Jeff:
Well, there was in the second one?
Casey:
Was there?
Jeff:
This is the way that even in the sense that these movies are internally completely inconsistent…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Across movies…
Casey:
Oh, right.
Jeff:
No, nothing carries, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, okay, sure.
Jeff:
They refer to some things but like, no, in the second movie, one of the robots pretended to be a hot girl. Like, looked like a…
Casey:
Oh, no, no, I meant like a female actual, like Auto…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The Autobot, when it transforms, has tits. That’s what I’m talking about.
Jeff:
You’re right. There’s not a single one.
Casey:
I would’ve thought that Michael Bay would’ve had that in one of these films.
Jeff:
There’s not a single one in there.
Casey:
And that never happened.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s interesting. Now, I hadn’t thought of that…
Casey:
Because you know it wouldn’t [inaudible 29:52]
Jeff:
Because Megatron is very girly in the cartoon… You know, remember he has that really high pitched, like, “Ew, I’m going to give him…” He has that…
Casey:
[ I don’t remember. ]
Jeff:
No, you [ know that? ] He has a very…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But that’s the closest it comes. You’re right. There are no female Transformers.
Casey:
Okay, putting all that aside, we have gotten literally nowhere on this plot.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So we are back… Basically, Marky Mark…
Jeff:
We meet the ineffectual president at this point. He’s working on the robot, let’s just say that.
Casey:
Okay. Marky Mark has bought this truck. He’s brought it back to his place. And Michael Bay just goes through “what are all the America people things”. Like, it was being out of work in “Transformers 3” so Shia Labeouf couldn’t get a job.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He had to go to interviews. That was it, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Losing your home mortgage is in this one…
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
So like, Marky Mark can’t make his house payments…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And fucking people are gonna come…
Jeff:
Too bad he doesn’t have an accountant.
Casey:
Too bad he doesn’t have an accountant who can operate [ interdimensional portal ]…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or he could get a whole planet. So that’s happening and there is stress. There is stress, Jeff, between Marky Mark and his daughter…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because she needs to go to college and he does not have the money for it and she is having trouble getting a scholarship.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It is not discussed, A, how she has a super fancy new laptop… That was not discussed but she does…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s also not discussed how the internet is still operating if they can’t make house payments…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Nor the electricity… None of these things are discussed, it’s fine.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
But the thing that does happen, of course, is they introduce the temporary surfer sidekick in the middle of Texas guy…
Jeff:
Yeah, which is a standard Michael Bay thing where you get somebody who’s usually an improve comic and that’s what that guy is.
Casey:
Oh, he is?
Jeff:
Yeah, he’s in…
Casey:
He’s pretty bad at it…
Jeff:
“Silicon Valley”.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He just plays that over exaggerated personality, like joking about…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s what he does.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And I think he’s okay at it but, like, he gives his actors no box. Like, he’s just like, “Do your shit and I’ll cut it up.”
Casey:
Right, right, right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And like… So he’s just kind of a pain in the ass.
Casey:
There’s probably an hour of footage of that guy in the backseat of the car…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
And he just, like, took 3 seconds of it…
Jeff:
No, I guarantee that’s what it is.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You don’t need a writer then…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re just like, “You’re being chased by bad guys.” And he’s like, “Hey guys, a scary car. Oh, that’s awesome. Do some more shit with scary cars.”
Casey:
Right, with scary cars.
Jeff:
Right. Anyway…
Casey:
Yeah, “These cars look weird.”
Jeff:
Yeah, right.
Casey:
Which I think actually may have been a line.
Jeff:
So he’s fixing this truck which, of course, is Optimus Prime.
Casey:
It’s Optimus Prime. Spoiler alert.
Jeff:
We then meet CIA Frasier…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Who’s the legitimate bad guy…
Casey:
Yes, Kelsey Grammer is in this film.
Jeff:
He’s the bad guy. The government is kind of the bad guy in this movie or the CIA is.
Casey:
So there’s two things you should know about this film. So now we’re getting into the politics. We’ve introduced enough to talk about politics.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So two things you should know about this film — Michael Bay has totally flipped his portrayal of the military by… Instead of focusing on the army/navy/airforce/marines which he clearly thinks are fabulous…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He has decided to focus on the CIA which he [ vilifies ].
Jeff:
Which he does not like…
Casey:
Apparently.
Jeff:
Yeah, he does not like the CIA.
Casey:
So, I don’t know… I want… I’d love the explanation of what’s going on in Michael Bay’s head that that is the case but that is the case.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So the CIA are very bad villains in this film.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which I thought was unusual…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And the other thing is the pro-life agenda has been cranked to 11.
Jeff:
Yes, they did do…
Casey:
So Marky Mark and his daughter, even though it’s completely unnecessary and unrelated to the plot, are very explicit about the fact that he had her when he was 17 and he stresses over and over that it was, like, the best thing that he did. Like, he’s so glad…
Jeff:
That he kept…
Casey:
“The he didn’t have an abortion”, right?
Jeff:
Well, also…
Casey:
Now, the best part about that, the mom’s out of the picture.
Jeff:
Mom’s dead.
Casey:
Which, by the way is exactly the way how Michael Bay probably thinks about pro-life…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Meaning, the woman is not involved in it, right? It’s like, “If Marky Mark had the kid, Jeff…”
Jeff:
Well, Casey…
Casey:
I guess there was a female who popped it out at some point but it was really Marky Mark’s decision. And it was he who did the greatest thing…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
By having this baby. So it’s good that it all got worked out in that sense.
Jeff:
Let’s also just work this out real quick.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
She’s about seventeen ‘cos she’s just graduating from high school.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
He had her when he’s was 17. So that means we’re supposed to expect to believe that Mark Wahlberg is 34 in this movie.
Casey:
Okay. Right, right.
Jeff:
He’s a long way from 34.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s a long way from 34 in this movie.
Casey:
That’s probably true.
Jeff:
Someone needed to do that.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So, anyway, so they introduce the bad guy. He’s Frasier. And he’s sending some people…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It turns into a big fight and they run.
Casey:
No. So you’re totally…
Jeff:
Wait, I’m trying to speed… We’re 34 minutes in. I don’t think we’re 10 minutes into a 2-hour movie. We gotta… We’re gonna start skipping stuff.
Casey:
This is, first of all, a 3-hour movie. And we’re gonna take 3 hours to cover it. That’s how we do this show.
Jeff:
It’s not gonna be 3 hours. It’s gonna be 9. We are 3x at this point
Casey:
Calm down.
Jeff:
Oh, fuck.
Casey:
So what has been happening all around the globe, Jeff, and this is important, is that the CIA…
Jeff:
Oh, that’s true…
Casey:
Has been… And I swear to fucking God I am not paraphrasing this. The CIA has been hunting and killing innocent Autobots with drones.
Jeff:
Right. They claim they’re killing Decepticons but they’re secretly killing Autobots.
Casey:
So what’s so fascinating about this is it’s like… It’s like… Michael Bay is anti-drone. How is that possible?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I do not understand. At this point, when this is on the screen…
Jeff:
I don’t think he’s anti-drone. He’s anti-drone operator, I’m feeling…
Casey:
I don’t have any idea but I am… My jaw is agape and the lobster roll is not even going into it at this point. That is how confused I was at the politics switch in this film.
Jeff:
So what I would say there also is that you also find out that there is a Transformer helping the humans by the name of Lockdown who is some sort of space assassin…
Casey:
Oh, Lockdown is… That’s the… I thought Lockdown was the [inaudible 35:38] [ John Kennedy ].
Jeff:
That’s the guy in the water. No, Lockdown is the guy…
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
The big [ bad ]…
Casey:
The one who turns into a gun.
Jeff:
No. That’s Gun-something.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Yeah. Lockdown is the one… The one that’s in the spaceship that is trying to get Optimus Prime.
Casey:
Well, who’s the one who turns into the gun head and shoots at the beginning.
Jeff:
He has a name like Gunface… It’s something…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s something…
Casey:
God, this fucking film. So one of the interesting things about this film, right, is… And I don’t want to be racist here…
Jeff:
Shit.
Casey:
I don’t want to be like one of those people who’s like, “All Asians look alike.” I can’t tell the Transformers apart.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I cannot tell one Transformer from the other. Some of the Autobots are colored with primary colors and I can tell, like…
Jeff:
Yeah. Me, too.
Casey:
It’s Bumblebee because he’s yellow.
Jeff:
Yep. But all the villains are dark.
Casey:
All the bad guys are just metal…
Jeff:
I just… Yeah.
Casey:
They’re just metal-colored.
Jeff:
I can’t tell them apart.
Casey:
And you’re just like, “I don’t know who that is.”
Jeff:
I said the same thing. I said, “I must be pretty old because I kind of need subtitles for what the titles… Who they are…
Casey:
And they’re not distinct. They all kind of look just whatever. And they don’t have the parts from the things they transform from. They don’t have obvious parts.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re just kind of a weird metal exoskeleton-looking thing. So anyway, that is happening and those same people…
Jeff:
So it becomes clear, by the way, that there’s a partnership between evil CIA guy…
Casey:
Yeah, and some other Transformer robot thing…
Jeff:
And in fact, there is a meeting on the spaceship where they talk about…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That if they give him Optimus Prime, he is going to give them something called the seed.
Casey:
The seed.
Jeff:
That’s all we know at this point.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But…
Casey:
Now, when Michael Bay says, “I’m gonna give someone the seed,” he probably means something very specific. But in this case, it actually means some device thing that they want.
Jeff:
Yes. Right.
Casey:
Which we’ll talk about later.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, this CIA team that’s going around killing the Autobots, because the surfer sidekick dude, there is basically… And this gets right back into the whole total politics exchange from Michael Bay. The government has a line you call to report…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Autobots, basically. When you see…
Jeff:
It’s like that 1-800-HERO for people driving in the HOV lane.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Only you say you have aliens.
Casey:
No, it’s like report terrorism.
Jeff:
Oh, there’s a terrorism hotline?
Casey:
Well, of course there’s a fucking terrorism hotline…
Jeff:
I don’t know the hotline.
Casey:
But how is… Do you understand how far Michael Bay has gone from indiscriminate Arab killing…
Jeff:
But putting that in the movie doesn’t necessarily mean he disagrees with terror hotlines. He’s just saying that these are bad guys have usurped them. I didn’t…
Casey:
Right. But that, politically, would never have been in “Transformers” 1 through 3.
Jeff:
Maybe. I don’t know.
Casey:
No chance.
Jeff:
Okay. I don’t know about that.
Casey:
It is not possible.
Jeff:
I feel like this is… That did not feel that switched to me.
Casey:
That felt really switched.
Jeff:
That just felt like… The difference is, like, the CIA pulling the strings or the armed forces which he’s just totally… He just gives the arm forces so much seed.
Casey:
Yeah, he gives them as much seed as he’s got. So anyway, that team of people who’s going around killing the Autobots, the surfer dude calls in Optimus Prime, basically, you know, because…
Jeff:
Because there’s a reward…
Casey:
He wants the reward. And the CIA team that goes around killing all the other Autobots descends on Marky Mark’s house…
Jeff:
And they have to flee…
Casey:
And Marky Mark is like, “What are you doing on my property without a warrant?” Right?
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
He brings the libertarian angle to this, right? And I support that. I don’t think the CIA should’ve been on his lawn even if he was 6 months overdue on the payment.
Jeff:
Right. I don’t think…
Casey:
Because they did not have a warrant. I did not see them go to an Autobot FISA judge…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And get a fucking warrant for that shit.
Jeff:
Well, the CIA is also not supposed to work on American soil, correct?
Casey:
Oh, like the…
Jeff:
No, but I’m just saying.
Casey:
Yeah, like that’s…
Jeff:
That’s the difference between CIA and FBI, right? Like, one is…
Casey:
Well, maybe.
Jeff:
Now, it’s all blurry but…
Casey:
It’s all a disaster.
Jeff:
So they run. Now…
Casey:
They drive away.
Jeff:
Well, wait. They flee…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Now, at this point, the hot girl’s boyfriend shows up…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Which Marky Mark had not even known about. And he’s, like, upset because [ he’s just meeting them ].
Casey:
Wait. Just to describe where the hot girl’s boyfriend shows up, there are a bunch of people, CIA agents, coming after Marky Mark and his daughter. And the boyfriend jumps his car and knocks two of them out with the wheels…
Jeff:
With the wheels, yeah, I forgot about that…
Casey:
With the tires. He, like, hits one with each tire.
Jeff:
He was like a [ Transformer ] [inaudible 39:52]
Casey:
But he’s not a Transformer.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
He just does it.
Jeff:
But Casey…
Casey:
In his car.
Jeff:
He is an ex…
Casey:
Professional driver…
Jeff:
He is a professional X-Games driver.
Casey:
Okay. And he says he’s legit. He says he’s legit. “I just got picked up by Red Bull.”
Jeff:
By Red Bull, yeah.
Casey:
That was a product placement.
Jeff:
And so, he’s in one of those cars that you see that, like, whatsisname does… Where you’re driving around…
Casey:
He’s a stunt driver.
Jeff:
Stunt… But it’s like a rally car.
Casey:
A rally car. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. And so, he’s doing rally maneuvers…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And these guys, these CIA guys, can’t do these maneuvers.
Casey:
They can’t handle it.
Jeff:
There’s a point where he jumps off a building…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where a ramp has been extended from the building.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Why is there a ramp on the building?” He falls…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
5 stories. And on to a perfect ramp…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you realize this is where he practices.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Now, A, I’ve never seen a rally car jump down 5 stories…
Casey:
Now, that happens all the time.
Jeff:
But he jumps down it and…
Casey:
Well, the interesting thing is…
Jeff:
Oh, and the girl is working the emergency brake for him.
Casey:
Because, and I quote, “She has the best hands in the business.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Quote, unquote.
Jeff:
Right. I don’t know what Michael Bay thinks rally driving is…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, does he really think the passenger controls the brakes?
Casey:
She does the handbrake? Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, I’m on the accelerator, you handle the drifting.
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
The drifting’s in the passenger. Anyway…
Casey:
Now, the interesting thing about this, too, is if that’s where he practices… How do you practice that particular maneuver.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because you get it wrong once and you’re kind of dead.
Jeff:
Yeah. Or your car’s fucked up at the very least.
Casey:
So [inaudible 41:19] how all the practice goes.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
So anyway, they get away and the best part about this is you have to remember that basically, there is all these people chasing… There’s all these CIA people with, like, helicopters and all this shit, right? All of them are blowing up. There’s cars hitting everyone, blablabla… Literally, the very next scene they cut to, all of the people who were previously shown, like, dying and blowing everything are alive…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And being addressed by the main dude.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That… I think I turned to you and I was like, “And they’re all still alive?” Like, I didn’t know what happened. I was like, “They are all dead. Or did they just get new dudes,” and we’re like, “Yeah, we got new dudes in here. It’s fine. They’re expendable. It’s totally fine.
Jeff:
Yeah. They’re red shirts. Then… Now, this car treats them right but they get out of that car…
Casey:
It’s busted.
Jeff:
Oh, it does bust?
Casey:
They said, like, “Oh, it’s broken,” remember? And they had to get out.
Jeff:
Well, you drop 5 storeys…
Casey:
Then it’s time to drive Optimus… Now, here’s the thing that happens in this film. It happens twice. One’s Optimus, one’s Bumblebee. I do not know what is supposed to be going on. I don’t know if this was something we forgot from previous Transformers canon but what happens is when an Autobot is, like… I don’t know what to call it. When an Autobot needs a good paint job… I’ll call it that.
Jeff:
Oh, right. Right.
Casey:
So an Autobot… Let’s say an Autobot is scuffed up, Jeff. It has been scratched. It is dusty. It needs a new coat. It needs to go to pay and spray.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay? It needs to have a new coat of car finish.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The way this works is it has to drive past another automobile…
Jeff:
Scan it.
Casey:
Scan it and then it just paints itself the way it normally paints itself.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So the scan was not related…
Jeff:
Just the shape of the truck, I guess?
Casey:
No, it wasn’t the shape. It didn’t copy anything…
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Just scanned it…
Casey:
It’s, like, just that act of, like, touching the paint with its scanning thing allows it to repaint itself with different colors that are unrelated.
Jeff:
So then, it looks like the Optimus Prime we remember.
Casey:
Then it just looks like Optimus Prime all of a sudden.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is like, boom, Optimus Prime.
Jeff:
The truck, Optimus Prime, yeah.
Casey:
Now, if he can do this, you would’ve thought he would’ve done this back before when they were trying to rebuild himself but it doesn’t matter. Point being…
Jeff:
Also, if you’re fleeing, you’d switch to Lamborghini mode. If you’re doing… None of it makes sense.
Casey:
Well, but like I said, it doesn’t seem like the scan has anything to do with it.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
So I think you can only paint yourself as Optimus Prime, apparently.
Jeff:
But he was… He became another kind of truck.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No, he did.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yes, he did.
Casey:
No, no, no.
Jeff:
I promise you he did.
Casey:
No, no, no, no…
Jeff:
He was a… Remember, he was an old truck that was completely flat like a box truck.
Casey:
Wait a minute, you’re right…
Jeff:
And then the new one is the swervy… He became an entirely new truck.
Casey:
You’re totally right. So he did scan the shape of the truck. He just didn’t scan the color of the truck.
Jeff:
Right. Well, because Casey, that’s how they express themselves, right? It’s a treat for myself. “Sometimes I like to give myself a little treat.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“I went down and I got my…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“You know, I changed my color…”
Casey:
Mani/pedi… It’s like a little Optimus mani/pedi.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Alright, that’s fine. “I need to just have my tires filed.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, that happens we were laughing at that one.
Casey:
That was amazing.
Jeff:
And then, that was supposed to be a very big Optimus Prime moment because they played some majestic music.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And we were laughing at that point.
Casey:
Yes, the Prime…
Jeff:
We kind of broke the… We probably ruined it for the other people.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. And then, he meets up with the last remaining…
Casey:
Autobot…
Jeff:
Bots… So there’s, like, 3. And there’s a John Goodman robot…
Casey:
Yeah. Who’s fat…
Jeff:
A racist Japanese robot…
Casey:
Racist Japanese robot. Samurai, of course.
Jeff:
Yeah. Is it racist, like… I mean, Ken Watanabe, the actor, has that accent. It was just so weird to be like, “You have no honor,” and then, like, swinging the axe. I guess it’s not necessarily racist but…
Casey:
Well, I mean… So as with all things, we’ve kind of joked about racism in the past and we have a lot of things that we said about it, right? But if you really want to get right down to it, racism is mostly about you and not about what you actually did. And so, if the question is, “Were the people who made ‘Transformers’ racist?” The answer is yes. I mean, of course they were fucking racist. They’ve probably never even fucking been to Japan or read a Japanese history book. They were just like, “Fuck it. Do you have a picture of a samurai? Make the robot look like that and talk Japanese.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s probably what he fucking said, right? He probably said, “Make it look like a samurai and have it talk Chinese or whatever.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, he probably didn’t even put it together that that wasn’t, like, some other race, right? Or whatever… But is the robot itself racist? I don’t know. It’s a samurai robot. There are samurai. It’s kind of… It’s a dumb robot. But the American robots are dumb. So it’s not like they portrayed the Japanese robot worse.
Jeff:
They didn’t make him turn into a Japanese car. He turned into a…
Casey:
I don’t remember what he turned into.
Jeff:
A Bugatti.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
Yeah. So he turned into a German car.
Casey:
He turned into a German car. Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know.
Casey:
Alright, keep going.
Jeff:
So he meets up with those and they’re like, “Alright, we’re gonna fight back against the humans.” And they are not happy with the humans. They’re like, “Enough of this shit. The humans…” They find some drone. He reverse engineers it…
Casey:
Right. Well, hold on a second…
Jeff:
And shows him a video of, like…
Casey:
Key quote, Jeff, key quote — “I swore I would never kill humans. But when I find the person responsible for this. I’m going to kill them.”
Jeff:
Yeah. By the way…
Casey:
He does find…
Jeff:
This is right after he blew a whole bunch of people up, seemingly, at the farm.
Casey:
That’s fine.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He’s talking about intentional versus unintentional murder.
Jeff:
Okay. Yeah. Well, yeah, okay.
Casey:
Manslaughter was not in the thing, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, that doesn’t count.
Casey:
He’s talking about second/first degree here, exclusively.
Jeff:
Now, there is one thing here. The reason why… It becomes clearer… And because there’s a fair amount of exposition about this that CIA Frasier…
Casey:
Kelsey Grammer…
Jeff:
Is hunting down all of the robots, not just the deceptions because he believes the world will be better if none of them were here.
Casey:
Which is true.
Jeff:
Which you’re supposed to be, like, outraged at that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But it is clear…
Casey:
No, it is unambiguous.
Jeff:
What happens to Chicago again and what happens in Hong Kong, we’d be way better off if they all left, no question.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So this was actually a problem that I had. This was my primary reason why… I like the original “X-Men” movie. And I didn’t really like the second “X-Men” movie. And the primary problem was because I totally agreed with the villains. I was like, “Yes, humanity is just a complete waste,” you know what I mean? It was terrible. And so I’m just like, “Yes, they’re a bunch of homophobic racist fucks.” You should wipe them all out. And then Captain [ Picard ]… They’re gonna do it. And then the good guys “come in and stop him”. I’m like, “Why are you stopping him? This motivation makes no sense.” And same is true in this movie. It’s like, “No, no, no. I’m with the bad guy.” Like, they should get rid of all these robots, all of them.
Jeff:
I mean, they’re a magnet for trouble.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
There’s shit going… You know what, even when they’re alone in the desert…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In about 3 seconds, the Japanese robot and Bumblebee…
Casey:
Are fighting with each other, yeah.
Jeff:
Are fighting. For no reason!
Casey:
And here’s the thing…
Jeff:
They’re trouble… They’re like teenagers.
Casey:
There’s no… And there’s only one way it goes. Like, when these robots get together and fight, even when the good robots are “helping” they’re still destroying billions of Dollars with the property and killing tons of people…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Just collaterally…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, I just crushed a car with my foot…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it’s like, “Whoops…” You know, so it’s like…
Jeff:
“My bad.”
Casey:
Even the good guys are actually completely destructive…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it’s just a disaster. So yeah, it’s terrible.
Jeff:
Okay. So at this point, they decide 3… An inventor from Texas…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
His sidekick… No, the sidekick’s dead.
Casey:
The sidekick’s dead.
Jeff:
The boyfriend and the girl and 4 robots decide…
Casey:
There might be 5.
Jeff:
Okay, they’re going to break into what is supposed to be one of the largest corporations in the country…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Who are making… They are taking the debris from the stuff in “Transformers 3” and building tech with it.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right. Okay, so we meet the bad executive who’s gonna be the douche-y bag you think at this point…
Casey:
Right, right. Yeah, yeah. What’s interesting about this, actually is that…
Jeff:
And this is the John Turturro part in the other ones like, the part where your kind of smarmy humor where you like…
Casey:
Yes, right. It’s the guy from “The Devil Wears Prada”.
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
It’s that dude, right? I forget his name.
Jeff:
He’s great.
Casey:
He’s a good actor.
Jeff:
Yeah, he is.
Casey:
But not so much in this particular film.
Jeff:
No. Yes.
Casey:
So if I remember correctly, this was sort of where the woman from the first scene comes back in.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
She has a little discussion…
Jeff:
She works at this company.
Casey:
She works at this company. And she’s like, “Hey, so there’s, like, some dinosaurs out there.” And the dude, the guy, is like… Tears up the photos that she took of the dinosaurs, like, “You don’t understand what’s going on here,” or whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, what’s interesting about that is it’s unclear at all what that argument’s actually about.
Jeff:
No, I doesn’t matter.
Casey:
Like, they just need the metal and the dinosaur’s made of metal so…
Jeff:
That’s where we go…
Casey:
I think they wanted you to… I think they were supposed to… Like, someone originally, in the script, had written down that they argue about Paleontology, like we should analyze this thing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the other guy’s like, “No, just break it down for metal. That’s what we need it for.”
Jeff:
That didn’t make it.
Casey:
They cut all that. So it’s just like… It’s just a conversation that didn’t have any point.
Jeff:
But there’s an important thing that they do talk about then…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is the discovery of a new element…
Casey:
A new element…
Jeff:
That they refer to as Transformium…
Casey:
Right, 173.
Jeff:
Transformium…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is an otherwise boring metal that we never thought was important.
Casey:
No industrial uses…
Jeff:
And it’s kind of funny that it was always called, apparently, Transformium…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
When you could’ve been like, “You know, they’re called Transformers. We’ve got this Transformium.”
Casey:
“Do you think it’s related?”
Jeff:
“Do you think it’s related?”
Casey:
They’re like, no…
Jeff:
So one of the big things in this movie is…
Casey:
It’s from the original Greek…
Jeff:
They’re making…
Casey:
In Greek, transform means something else. It means dinnerware or whatever. So like, “Yeah, we just make it into plates…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They weren’t popular because they’re kind of radioactive.
Jeff:
Anyway, they are now making their own Transformer is what we learn this company is doing…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They’re making their own Transformers by parts of Decepticons and broken down… They take anything.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They take the Autobots. They rip him apart. And…
Casey:
Right. I would like to be very clear about something though…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just so we understand the plan, because we want to be clear about the hero’s… I’m sorry, the villain’s… Crystal clear motivation.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Their plan is to get rid of all of the giant killer robots in the world.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So that they can make a bunch of giant killer robots.
Jeff:
That they control?
Casey:
Apparently.
Jeff:
Yeah, that they program and control.
Casey:
Now, never mind that the Autobots were already just doing whatever they told them to do, basically…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re like, “That’s not… We don’t want that. We want these other ones because they’re something else.”
Jeff:
So 2 things that are important in that part of thing…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Is they show Transformium, what the people have done with it…
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
Which is more… It’s kind of like just a shader effect when they ran out of time on rendering where the Transformer doesn’t walk somewhere, he kind of flies in a real shitty voxelization fluid simulator, like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It kind of streams along.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they turn into that and they don’t turn… They turn into little cubes and they’re back but…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s kind of like the liquid-y metal thing from “Terminator 2”…
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
Except it’s boxes but…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s way worse than that.
Jeff:
It’s a weird effect because it doesn’t look good.
Casey:
I also think… I feel like someone was just like, “We can save a lot of money here by just not having to animate anything,” that’s my theory.
Jeff:
That was your call, yeah.
Casey:
I think it’s just like, “You know what, if these are just a bunch of boxes flying around, we can do that I 15 seconds…”
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
“We just whip out a fucking particle system and we’re done.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know?
Jeff:
So they show that. They show him playing with it. And they also show that they have all these robots’ heads and stuff down in the lab.
Casey:
Yeah. Old Autobot and Decepticon heads.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So then, Marky Mark… How does he get in there?
Casey:
So what happens is Marky Mark is going to infiltrate…
Jeff:
Yeah, how does he infiltrate?
Casey:
He’s gonna infiltrate. And we do not actually know why he wants to infiltrate.
Jeff:
There’s no reason for him to be there.
Casey:
So they’re just sort of going, “Well, we know that this company was involved with killing the Autobots. So I’m going to just sneak in there,” right?
Jeff:
There’s something about they were gonna get the proof to show the world…
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
“And I get my life back.”
Casey:
You think the drone video would’ve been that but it’s fine.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So he goes in there by scanning the ID card…
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
Of another employee…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
And Bumblebee apparently has a laser printing eyeball…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or something that he can do. Prints out a new ID card that he then scans…
Jeff:
It’s really convenient that they have built-in laminators.
Casey:
Yes, it is.
Jeff:
Because the whole card just came right out.
Casey:
Well, that’s one of the things. When they originally were making Transformers out of Transformium or whatever the fuck it is…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They were like, “You know what? This needs cup holders in the backseat. And it needs a 3D printer…”
Jeff:
And a laminator.
Casey:
“And a laminator.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So he goes in there and he starts snooping around, right? So his whole plan is, “I’m gonna see what’s going on in here.”
Jeff:
Okay. I’m trying to remember the part…
Casey:
Somebody detects the fact that the ID card gets swiped twice…
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
Once by the other guy and once by him.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? And so… Now, mind you, I don’t understand that because if that was true, then if he didn’t steal the card, that means somebody scanned an RFID and re-print… I don’t even know.
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
It doesn’t matter. The point being he gets detected and so, they’re looking for him.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re like, locking down the facility and trying to capture… They do capture him and he has a face to face meeting with Kelsey Grammer…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Who just happens to be there that day.
Jeff:
Right. Now, remember…
Casey:
He’s from the CIA.
Jeff:
He’s a CIA, he’s not work--… He doesn’t work at this company.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He just happens… He was just checking in.
Casey:
He was in the area. They called him up. He was down the street having coffee. They were like, “Hey, Kelsey. Can you come down here? We caught this dude who we think you want to talk to.”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
“So why don’t you come down and talk to him?” They talk and they have a little back and forth…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where Marky Mark is, like, “Look, bro, don’t be disrespecting my family, bro.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And so they’re at odds now.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They know that they are having a… It’s going to come to fisticuffs.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? But not to worry because apparently, and I forget why (possibly no reason at all), Optimus and the rest of the Autobots know…
Jeff:
Just tapped the building…
Casey:
I think he had a little radio that he turned on or something at some point, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He had a little radio he turns on. Optimus and the other people just fucking go on into the building…
Jeff:
And lay waste…
Casey:
Lay waste to the whole fucking facility.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Get him out of there… And then, I don’t even remember what happens next. It’s so fucking disjointed.
Jeff:
Then they walk out.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Okay, that’s over.” Then, the executive says… The CIA guy says…
Casey:
Oh, I remember.
Jeff:
“You need to respond.”
Casey:
You need to use the prototype weaponries.
Jeff:
The robots that you made… So he sends out basically an evil Bumblebee…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
An evil…
Casey:
Called stinger…
Jeff:
And then an evil…
Casey:
Megatron called Galvatron…
Jeff:
Right. That was supposed to be Optimus Prime but it kept being turned into something that looked like Megatron…
Casey:
Yes. Megatron…
Jeff:
And that’s like this weird… And even the inventor’s like, “I don’t know why this keeps happening.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That was… They should’ve paid attention to that.
Casey:
They should pay attention to these little hiccups.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You know?
Jeff:
Anyway, they go off and there’s a big robot fight on the freeway.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Everybody’s fighting everybody.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s a disaster.
Jeff:
And the people trying to control Galvatron… It’s not working…
Casey:
It’s not working. Galvatron’s got a mind of his own.
Jeff:
In the middle of this fight, there comes a huge ship on the horizon. And it is Lockdown.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And he doesn’t give a shit about any of these…
Casey:
How the fuck do you know his name is Lockdown?
Jeff:
His name is Lockdown.
Casey:
How did you figure that out?
Jeff:
Because his name is Lockdown.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “You guys, you’re fighting. I don’t give a shit. I’m only here for Optimus Prime.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because apparently, he collects Primes. He calls them his trophies or something.
Casey:
He’s a Prime hunter, yeah.
Jeff:
And so…
Casey:
He subscribes to Prime Hunter Magazine…
Jeff:
He’s…
Casey:
Big Prime hunter. He’s got the face paint. He has a bow and arrow. He’s the Ted Nugent of the Transformers and he is hunting Primes…
Jeff:
Now, we’re getting back to this again.
Casey:
He’s got a duck call…
Jeff:
So they then put a big net.
Casey:
And they scoop up Optimus…
Jeff:
And they scoop up Optimus and they accidently get the daughter. That’s terrible.
Casey:
So the daughter’s in there. Daughter and Optimus get sucked up into the spaceship…
Jeff:
In the spaceship. And then he goes, “Alright, thanks for Optimus. Here’s your seed…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I think it’s stupid for you to have this power. I don’t think your species is ready for this… Another hint…”
Casey:
“But I’m gonna give it to you and I have absolutely no motivation to give it to you because I have a giant spaceship that you cannot destroy…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Much more weaponry than you have… And I can just blast off at any time. You can’t stop me. But I somehow feel the need to honor our bargain so here is this incredibly powerful nuclear bomb-type device.”
Jeff:
Right. So then he says, “Alright, I’m out of here.” It takes him a long time to get the ship ready for light speed.
Casey:
Right. Right, yeah. It’s like Han Solo in here. The ship has not been properly maintained.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? This thing’s been up on cinderblocks, up in the white trash Transformer south. This shit was not fully ready for its run, right, okay?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s janky. The door is, like, a different color from the rest of the ship. It’s that kind of a thing. It’s a beater. It’s dented…
Jeff:
Right. Now, how does…
Casey:
So he’s like, “I gotta try and make the jump to hyperspace and it’s not going well.”
Jeff:
Now, I don’t remember right now how Marky Mark and the son get up to the thing.
Casey:
So what happens there is the…
Jeff:
I remember how they get off…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
With the ropes? They get off on the ropes. The ship with the… Remember they…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
How do they get up there?
Casey:
That’s a good question. Fuck.
Jeff:
Is it that they steal a spaceship…
Casey:
How do they get up there?
Jeff:
And then fly up into it?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
John Goodman? I know John Goodman gets them up there somehow but I don’t remember how. Anyway, the rest of the Transformers get on the ship. I mean the rest of the Autobots…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And Mark Wahlberg and the boyfriend.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Then the Autobots are searching for Optimus Prime. They’re searching for the daughter.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s a lot that goes on. There’s like a tongue…
Casey:
There’s some hounds. There’s robot hounds.
Jeff:
There’s robot hounds. There’s a tongue beast that licks the girl and she cuts the tongue off and like…
Casey:
Yeah. And the John Goodman character shoots an alien for no reason. He just…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
He executes an alien in a cage.
Jeff:
Yeah, he doesn’t like it. “You’re too ugly to live.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then…
Casey:
Marky Mark finds an alien gun. And this is important.
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
Because Marky Mark is armed for the rest of the movie with a gun that, unlike basically all the other guns in all the other Transformers movies that humans ever have…
Jeff:
Does some damage…
Casey:
Actually seriously damages [ people and shit. ]
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, mind you, and I thought this was particularly interesting and I almost mentioned it in the middle of the movie but later on in the film, Marky Mark has to be in a human shoot out. And conveniently, the gun is gone for only those 15 minutes.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Right.
Casey:
And then as soon as the shoot-out is over, he has the gun again.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, they just were like, “Ah, fuck. We need a hand to hand thing where he doesn’t have the gun.” So the gun’s just gone. And then it’s back.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos that gun would’ve blown that guy. I mean, it was a gun that can kill a Transformer. It could’ve destroyed the whole block that fucking Marky Mark was in…
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
But that wasn’t on the table.
Jeff:
So there’s a lot of fussing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They sneak off on these ropes that had been attached to the Sears Tower…
Casey:
Right. ‘Cos somebody fired the anchors to keep the ship there, I guess.
Jeff:
Give it a little more time and they’re fussing around.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then they all hide in a little sub-ship.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then the main ship goes to light speed…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they fall off at, kind of like Han Solo where he just stays in the debris behind…
Casey:
Right. Right. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And they say like, “Oh, he won’t even notice.”
Casey:
He won’t notice.
Jeff:
And he doesn’t. He goes away.
Casey:
He doesn’t notice.
Jeff:
And Lockdown’s out of the picture for a while.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they have a little bit of a respite and they can kind of gather their thoughts…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And think about what’s going down because in this big alien fight, they’ve destroyed a lot of Chicago.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This was a point in the movie where I was like, “I’m kind of with the CIA here.”
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
“None of these robots should be on earth.”
Casey:
Nope, they shouldn’t.
Jeff:
That’s just not a good thing.
Casey:
No, it isn’t.
Jeff:
So I also remember them… In this part of the scene, there’s a scene were the girl goes flying and… In “Transformers 3”, Shia Labeouf goes flying…
Casey:
And Bumblebee…
Jeff:
And Bumblebee catches him and turns into a car and rides him to safety.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they must’ve liked that shot…
Casey:
They must’ve…
Jeff:
Because they do it, like, 3 or 4 times in this movie. People are flying…
Casey:
This movie has a lot of robots catching humans.
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s…
Casey:
There’s a lot of robots catching humans. That’s very popular.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And I don’t know why because it looks ridiculous.
Jeff:
Yeah. It does look bad.
Casey:
It looked really… It does not look good.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And in fact, none of the shots where humans are flailing around in front of robots looked good in this.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, there were times when they were kind of flying slow motion forwards out of explosions with robots behind them and stuff.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And they just looked so green screened or whatever the fuck. It did not look good.
Jeff:
Now, here’s an important thing that happens. They get… They’re hanging on the edge of these ropes on the Sears Tower. They land on the spaceship driven by the John Goodman robot…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Which crashes and they hop out.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
They crash into a truck of Bud Light…
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
Which spills Bud Light bottles everywhere…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Bright blue Bud Light…
Casey:
There’s Bud Light everywhere.
Jeff:
And someone gives Marky Mark some lip. He says, “I hope you have insurance.” And he’s like, “Insurance on a spaceship? [ You try ] get insurance on a spaceship.” Opens a beer and takes a big swig.
Casey:
With a big old Bud Light logo right at the top of that.
Jeff:
For no reason. And then sets it down and then says, “Honey, where’s my alien gun?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like… Oh, my God.
Casey:
Yep. That was probably my favorite scene of the movie, by the way.
Jeff:
Yeah. Now here’s the part…
Casey:
I really enjoyed…
Jeff:
That was pretty…
Casey:
Because when I saw the Bud Light, a lot of the other product placements, the product placement is there in the shot and then it’s gone in the next shot.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This one, there was like… The product placement rolled by and Marky Mark was like, “I’m gonna get some of that…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Grabs it and drinks it in a long shot of, like…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Refreshing…
Jeff:
So we should say, at this point…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There has been more product placement in this movie than…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There was a Transformer made by a company that was a huge Oreo…
Casey:
Right. Right. But that one… I liked that one, though, because that’s what humans would’ve actually made.
Jeff:
No, no, I’m totally…
Casey:
That one was good.
Jeff:
He had Oreo stickers all over him.
Casey:
Yeah, that was, like… That’s accurate. That’s just an accurate… That’s science fiction at that point.
Jeff:
I wonder if there’s a price list for companies. Like, if you want a product or robot, it’s this amount.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If you want Marky Mark to drink your shit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But here’s…
Casey:
I think it looks like one of those Girls Scout cookie forms where there’s just columns and rows. And you just, like…
Jeff:
Yeah, I see. Mark it.
Casey:
It’s just like…
Jeff:
“I’ll take two of the Oreos…”
Casey:
They hand it to, like, fucking Nabisco. And Nabisco just starts checking shit, like, “Ah, man. These tag alongs are really expensive this year…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And so, that’s why the Oreo robot was only in it for 15 seconds.
Jeff:
It was blown up very quickly.
Casey:
It was almost not in it at all. If they had ponied up an extra 50K, he could’ve had another minute of screen time or whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah, here’s an important switch in the movie…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where some of the machinations behind the movie making…
Casey:
Oh, yeah, yeah…
Jeff:
Become clear.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where this evil company…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s making all this stuff says, “We need to pack up and go to our China facility.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, what has happened here is “Transformers 4” has a shit ton of China stuff in it.
Casey:
Yes, it does.
Jeff:
Not just that there are a lot of Chinese celebrities that randomly do cameos…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Not only that the lead woman character who’s in for a long time is a pop star.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But also that they also are very pro-central government.
Casey:
Right, right.
Jeff:
They’re like, “Central government will save us.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They bring… That’s said, like, 3 or 4 times.
Casey:
And by the way, the central government does not do anything.
Jeff:
No, no. But…
Casey:
It is simply said. It is never actually acted on in any way.
Jeff:
And just to be clear, they made more money in China in the first week than they did in the United States…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So it worked. There is a lot of China and it’s very, very, very pro-China.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Which is really weird.
Casey:
Yes, it is.
Jeff:
I’m just saying he has a place to retire now.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So they go to China. The Autobots have a little relaxing. The people all lay down in a train for a minute.
Casey:
They’re just chilling.
Jeff:
They chill. We feel like there’s a lot of scenes cut here.
Casey:
Probably.
Jeff:
Because then they hop back on to the spaceship…
Casey:
We don’t know what’s going on.
Jeff:
That fell of the other spaceship when it went on light speed…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they fly to China.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And Optimus is like, “Look, we’re gonna go get this fucking seed back…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“That you’re gonna accidentally blow yourselves up with…”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“And then we’re out.
Casey:
Right. “We’re out of here.”
Jeff:
“We’re leaving in this spaceship.”
Casey:
Right. Now, mind you, Optimus is like, “Look, if someone detonates this seed, the kind of damage it could do is gonna be a lot like the damage we’re about to do if we go fight.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“And frankly, I enjoy this fighting. So if we’re gonna destroy a city, we might as well have fun doing it instead of just have some fucking seed thing blow up.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s no fun at all because the city… Because Hong Kong does get leveled. They fucking level Hong Kong. There’s no Hong Kong left. The whole thing gets sucked up into a giant alien spaceship.
Jeff:
That’s true. So then at this point, Marky Mark actually calls the main CEO of this evil company…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And appeals to…
Casey:
On an encrypted channel, right? Doesn’t he say something like that?
Jeff:
I don’t even… It had the number.
Casey:
No, but the dude… ‘Cos… Okay, so in the middle of the movie… And I think this is where it happens.
Jeff:
Oh, you said [inaudible 66:38]
Casey:
In the middle of the movie, the samurai robot goes, “I’m getting an encrypted transmission from somebody…”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“They’re going to Hong Kong…” Like, because there’s no way that they could know that ship was going to Hong Kong. There’s no way that the Autobots would have any idea that the ship was going to Hong Kong.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos they’re not involved in this at all. But they just… Literally just suddenly, the Transformers can intercept someone’s cellphone or something? It’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
Well, Casey, as we all know, Japanese robots are really good at math, right?
Casey:
Okay, right. There’s decrypting…
Jeff:
So that’s how they broke the encryption.
Casey:
And it’s fine. They’re really good at miniaturization, as well.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Team spirit. It should’ve performed calisthenics at the beginning of the show.
Jeff:
Marky Mark calls the other CEO and appeals to him as a fellow…
Casey:
Now, we don’t know how he got his number.
Jeff:
No, that’s just… They just start talking…
Casey:
He looked it up in the Yellow Pages.
Jeff:
And then they have a heart to heart about being inventors and not wanting to ruin the world.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, the bad CEO kind of becomes the good guy.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And he takes the seed and flees with it.
Casey:
Yeah, he’s like, “I believe Marky Mark. I think that he knows what he’s talking about.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Never mind the fact that I build all these Transformers and Marky Mark was unable to create a robot that delivered a beer to the couch…
Jeff:
Brought a beer, yeah…
Casey:
But he’s like, “He probably knows what he’s talking about. That’s fine. I’m gonna take this seed device…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“And I’m going to…?” Because that is never clear.
Jeff:
Right. He just runs through to… Like, he just needs to get it out of the city, he thinks.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Now, at this time, all of the…
Casey:
The city being Hong Kong.
Jeff:
Right. And all the prototype robots then wake up and they are just Megatron now. And he’s controlling them all. So now, the CIA is chasing him for the seed because evil Frasier wants it.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And so do all the Decepticons. So they’re just roaring through.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
At this point, the Transformers ship comes in…
Casey:
[ Lockdown… ]
Jeff:
Comes down, tries to get the seed… Marky Mark falls off it…
Casey:
Right. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, the ship crashes, destroying more of Hong Kong.
Casey:
Well, no. Actually, the ship… Doesn’t the ship crash in the…
Jeff:
It crashes…
Casey:
Well, yeah. At first, they crash into a building
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then it crashes into some…
Jeff:
Jungle…
Casey:
Wildlife…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which is next to Hong Kong. So that happens…
Jeff:
So they’re separated.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We have 2 robots. We have John Goodman… I wish I could remember what his name is. Gunship or something…
Casey:
Who cares?
Jeff:
Because he has a lot of guns.
Casey:
It doesn’t fucking matter.
Jeff:
And these guys and the seed, there’s a big shootout. Everybody’s shooting…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I can’t even keep track of what’s going on for a long time.
Casey:
You have no idea what’s going on, yeah.
Jeff:
Optimus Prime and the other two robots (Japanese robot and Bumblebee) are out in the jungle.
Casey:
Yeah. Right. In the jungle.
Jeff:
They don’t know how to get back…
Casey:
No, they don’t.
Jeff:
They’re like, “What are we gonna do about this?” Optimus Prime says, “We need reinforcements.”
Casey:
“We need reinforcements.” It’s true.
Jeff:
He goes back into the ship that they crashed…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The ship that was containing the rest of these Primes that this guy captures…
Casey:
Well, whatever they are…
Jeff:
Whatever…
Casey:
Knights is actually what he called them.
Jeff:
Knights, yes. He then pulls out a sword, turns a switch like a hidden book trick…
Casey:
No, that’s the one that Marky Mark pulled. Optimus just pulled it out like “Sword in the Stone”.
Jeff:
Okay, he pulls it…
Casey:
So there’s 2 sword tricks that happen in this.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
One is that Marky Mark leans on a sword-shaped lever that opens the weapons cabinet.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the other… And that happened on the ship, as well.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then, that same thing [ which has a little sword sticking out, ] at one point, Optimus walks in and grabs one of them and pulls it out.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that is important for reasons we don’t know.
Jeff:
And it activates huge… Other robots that are much bigger than he is.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And he’s big. They fight. He says, “Let me lead you.” And he’s, like, fighting…
Casey:
Now, what happened here, I’m assuming, is they’re like, “Avatar did big in China. We need to copy that shit.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And one of the big things in Avatar was, like, wrestling with your mount.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I don’t know if you remembered this.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You had to wrestle with your mount and convince it to be “mounted”.
Jeff:
Right. Yes. Because… Let’s be clear. There’s these huge robots that come out.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “Let me lead you.” And they’re like, “No.” And they transform, Casey…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They do not transform into a car which I thought…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And in fact, there’s a joke, “I thought it was gonna be a large car.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But it’s not a car. They transform into…
Casey:
Dinobots.
Jeff:
Dinobots…
Casey:
Dinobots.
Jeff:
The same thing as the dinosaurs you saw frozen long ago. They’re dinosaurs.
Casey:
No. And that is my… That is the thing that just dumbfounded me about this plot.
Jeff:
Okay, you have a…
Casey:
I literally… This was one of those things where I just looked at it and I was like, “Okay, this movie makes no goddamn fucking sense at all.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, I was like, “It wasn’t making any sense…” So, there’s two types of making sense. There’s tactical and strategic sense, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We all know that none of this film’s got any tactical sense at all.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? ‘Cos, like, minute to minute, you cut and you’re just not even…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’re like, “Okay, we’re in Hong Kong,” and nobody knows how anyone got there…
Jeff:
And it’s light and it’s dark and then it’s light…
Casey:
Oh, and here comes… Oh, and wheelchair guy wheels up and he’s like, “Oh, but we’re in the clouds,” and he can’t fly but it doesn’t matter…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s floating [inaudible 71:19]
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Shit like that happens in these Transformers movies all the time. That’s fine. But then, there’s the strategic things. And those are the things that impress me more because it impresses me that given you are not making sense minute to minute, that you couldn’t just, for free, make sense…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Overall, right? Because since we can insert any piece you want at any time with no constraints…
Jeff:
You’re just like, “Wait…”
Casey:
How did you not at least make the beginning and the end work?
Jeff:
Watch the movie and then go, “Oh, shit. We need to insert some exposition…”
Casey:
But here’s the thing, much like “Dark of the Moon” made no sense because the whole… Much like “Transformers 3” didn’t make any sense because there was no need to ever do all the stuff the Decepticons did because a human could’ve just turned on the portals…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But they already fucking had…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? So just like that didn’t make any sense, this movie doesn’t make any sense because at the beginning, what they show is the dinosaurs being extinct by turning them into metal. Not robots. Just metal.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s it. There were no robot dinosaurs.
Jeff:
Oh, you’re saying those… When they did that to the earth, it just turned them into metal, it did not turn them into…
Casey:
It just turns them into Transformium.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s all that thing is. The seed doesn’t make robots. It just makes metal.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
And you saw… Remember, there were shots of the big things coming down and picking up the metal and just grabbing it, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So then at the end, they turn into dinosaurs… They’re like… You guys don’t even understand that the beginning of the movie and the end don’t even line up.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
They’re completely unrelated.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s…
Casey:
These are other dinosaurs from another place that we’ve never discussed…
Jeff:
That’s amazing. I never realized that.
Casey:
That just fucking showed the fuck up.
Jeff:
That’s amazing.
Casey:
They are completely unrelated dinosaurs…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That were picked up by this bounty hunter somewhere else. So I’m like, the whole first part of the movie, you could’ve cut. And by the way, this movie is 3 hours long so you should have, right? It didn’t make any sense and it doesn’t affect the plot.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s so weird.
Jeff:
Anyway, there’s some battling because they fight.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, they eventually come to the grudging mutual respect…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And Optimus rides in to save the day on the dinosaurs…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And the other two… They all have dinosaurs…
Casey:
They all ride a dinosaur because you should ride dinosaurs.
Jeff:
They come in. They lay more waste to Hong Kong.
Casey:
Everything’s blowing up.
Jeff:
You’ve got dinosaurs biting things and there’s a pterodactyl and…
Casey:
And plus… And then in the middle of that, because that’s not creating enough rubble, the alien spaceship comes back because that dude gets pissed… Right? Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah, let’s finish that.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So now, we have what is the Autobots fighting or finishing up fighting the prototype human-made Transformers.
Casey:
Right. And they’re all dead except for Megatron who [ fled ].
Jeff:
Right. Because Megatron pussies out, right.
Casey:
Now named Galvatron…
Jeff:
Right. Now… But then, Lockdown, by now has got… “Fuck… What do they do?”
Casey:
[ Reverse the warp drive ]…
Jeff:
“Not only did they escape but they also sold the rest of my shit.”
Casey:
“My trophies. This is bullshit.”
Jeff:
“Oh, fuck. Bullshit.” He comes back with this ship…
Casey:
Picture Ted Nugent, someone has snuck out the back of his house with his prized deer antlers…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And he is fucking pissed.
Jeff:
He’s like, “What happened to all these…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So he comes back to Hong Kong. He knows they’re there somehow.
Casey:
Of course he knows they’re there. Why wouldn’t he know they’re there?
Jeff:
And his.
Casey:
Oh, you know how he knows they’re there? It’s because his seed apparently has a tracking device.
Jeff:
Well, the seed turned out, that’s right.
Casey:
For some reason, the seed, which is a bomb…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Has a remotely-activated GPS tracking device in case, I guess, you ever misplace your seed.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Who hasn’t misplaced a little seed now and then?
Jeff:
That’s true, now and again, right.
Casey:
Right? But by the way, if you do, make sure you have that baby because Marky Mark, it was the best thing he ever did.
Jeff:
Right. Best thing he ever made.
Casey:
There’s no such thing as misplaced seed, Jeff.
Jeff:
No. So at this point, his…
Casey:
All God’s children…
Jeff:
Now, Lockdown is very scary. It’s a great big ship.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And the way his weapon’s working is he has a magnet…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
At the bottom of the ship and it sucks everything up…
Casey:
It does suck everything.
Jeff:
And then drops it. And then, sucks it up and then drops it.
Casey:
So he’s basically just… He’s kind of like combing through the carpet or… Looking at the back, picking up stuff out of the couch to see if you have any change in there…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. He’s looking around for it.
Casey:
Right? Yeah.
Jeff:
So he’s bad and they go up and fall out and the bomb… And all this shit happens.
Casey:
To be clear, so what happens is all of this stuff is getting sucked up by this giant magnet, right? And Optimus Prime doesn’t want to get sucked up in the giant magnet. So he shoots his cannon…
Jeff:
He shoots one shot.
Casey:
Into the thing and it explodes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And that’s it. That’s the end of that.
Jeff:
So the ship’s fucked…
Casey:
And you’re like… So instead of running away from this the entire time, guys…
Jeff:
Just shoot one thing…
Casey:
Why didn’t you fucking shoot at it ever? I guess they didn’t think that would work. And neither did I.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But guess what?
Jeff:
It worked.
Casey:
It did.
Jeff:
So he shoots it. The ship’s… You can’t use the magnet anymore. So Lockdown comes down for the final battle…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Between him and Optimus. Optimus…
Casey:
Tactical genius…
Jeff:
Sends all of his friends away. Says, “Leave them to me. You take this, the seed, to safety.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I don’t know who… Safety from whom?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The dinosaurs ate everything, right?
Casey:
Yeah. There’s nothing there.
Jeff:
So then, there’s a big fight. And Marky Mark says, “I have to go help Optimus.”
Casey:
Also…
Jeff:
To prove the value of humans, he goes back and it’s just Optimus and Marky Mark fighting Lockdown.
Casey:
I’d like to point out something, too, at this point, right. So one of the interesting things… This is the, like, everyone in this movie is an idiot… So if the bad guy is sucking everything up and destroying it in his little magnet thing or whatever the fuck and then dropping it down to the ground and stuff…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So what’s unclear to me is, like… I guess it’s just that they don’t know how the seed works. Why did they try to hold on to it? Why don’t they just like, “Yeah…” They get this… Like, why don’t they destroy that thing?
Jeff:
Because Lockdown already had it. It’s like, “Give it back to Lockdown.”
Casey:
“Give it back to him.”
Jeff:
Fuck it.
Casey:
Be like, “Hey, man. Here’s your seed, dude.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“You should take this and take it, go back wherever you want to seed it up. Just seed it.”
Jeff:
So there’s a big fight. There’s one good scene in the tactical problem sense where Marky Mark says, “Honey, I need you to go.” He tells his daughter, “You need to go.” And then he’s like grudging respect to the boyfriend. He’s like, “You take care of her. You keep her safe. Go.” They go. They drive a hun--… They’re on some bridge.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s been a minute…
Casey:
They’ve gone literally 30 seconds…
Jeff:
And she’s like, “I can’t leave my dad,” and then goes back.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So there’s no point of the teary scene.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
None.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
And then she comes back and he’s like… They pile out of the car with no way to help the fight in any way. And Marky Mark simply says, “She never did listen to me.”
Casey:
Right. And this is where Transformer physics kicks in big time which is always… Like, every single scene makes no sense, physically. But this is one of those ones where it’s just fantastic because Optimus Prime is… Sadly, Optimus Prime has been impaled against the side of a building…
Jeff:
Yeah. Pinned like a bug…
Casey:
With a giant sword, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. A sword threw him…
Casey:
While… But Marky Mark… But Optimus Prime has not been killed because Marky Mark is fighting mano a mano. He’s got a gun and he’s fighting with…
Jeff:
He’s got the alien gun.
Casey:
He’s got the alien gun. And he’s fighting with Lockdown so Lockdown can’t kill Optimus Prime. Now, Optimus Prime, okay, with his hand, can pick up and crush or throw a tow truck. Yet, the solution to this problem was to attach the tow cable of a tow truck to the sword that was pinning Optimus that…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He could not move and pull it out.
Jeff:
And pull it out… Yanked it out… Optimus…
Casey:
I guess he’s just like, “I can’t do it myself. You take the band aid off.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You take the band aid off,” right? It was like he was too…
Jeff:
Well, it stings.
Casey:
It stings. It’s gonna sting. It’s gonna sting. It’s not gonna sting [inaudible 78:31] So he just needed… He needed to man up. He wasn’t willing to so he had to take the sword out. Takes the sword out. Once the sword is out, Optimus just goes to town…
Jeff:
Kills Lockdown…
Casey:
Kills Lockdown…
Jeff:
It’s all done. It’s over.
Casey:
Megatron is watching this from far away and he’s like, “Well, I’m glad I didn’t do anything this entire time…”
Jeff:
“Go there…” And he goes back to the [ forest ]…
Casey:
And he just leaves.
Jeff:
Yeah. So he’s lurking but that’s the end…
Casey:
Yeah, he’ll come back…
Jeff:
That’s essentially… There’s a whole bunch of Michael Bay…
Casey:
“Transformers 5”.
Jeff:
There’s, like, 2 or 3 musical montages…
Casey:
Sun back-lit…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Sun shot…
Jeff:
All of that…
Casey:
Kissing you and all these things…
Jeff:
Yeah, oh it was rough. It was rough.
Casey:
With the boyfriend and the girl…
Jeff:
I forgot one good product placement. I don’t know if you remember this…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Remember when they were showing us Transformium.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
And they said, “I can turn into anything.” And he turns into a Beats radio.
Casey:
Oh, Beats. It turns into a Beats radio…
Jeff:
Remember that?
Casey:
And he’s like, “The Pill.” And he said it. He said the name of the product…
Jeff:
Name of the whole thing…
Casey:
And the Beats logo was held on screen for the whole time.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then he turned it into a gun.
Casey:
Yeah, that was…
Jeff:
It was a Beats radio for a second and turned right into a gun.
Casey:
Yeah. So at the end of the film, the film closes with Optimus Prime explaining that…
Jeff:
Oh, right. Let’s not forget this.
Casey:
That he is going to go into outer space…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To find out who created the Transformers, right?
Jeff:
And kick some ass…
Casey:
And fuck them up.
Jeff:
Bring that seed with him.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So here’s one thing there. Now you’re like, “Oh, there’s been… ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, they went to the moon twice…”
Casey:
In a ship.
Jeff:
In a ship. Well, Optimus Prime just sitting on the dock, turns on rockets that are in him. We’ve never seen in 4 movies, we’ve never seen…
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah, we’ve never seen that. Nope…
Jeff:
Does he have rockets?
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
Well, he blasts… And these weren’t even like normal rockets because they work in space.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, these weren’t oxygen-burning, you know, normal combustion…
Casey:
This is a solid fuel rocket or something.
Jeff:
There’s something going on.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, he shoots off into space and leaves the other robots just to keep the peace, which by the way, those other robots are a pain in the ass. They’re gonna cause all kinds of trouble. Bumblebee’s bumping into shit all over the place. That’s his whole deal.
Casey:
So here’s the thing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
One interesting thing about this as well is that Optimus Prime, of course, has his little speech at the end.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And at this point, I’ve had to listen to so many speeches, I can’t remember what this one was about.
Jeff:
Yeah. “I’m coming for you,” or something.
Casey:
No, but before that, he’s like… You know… And this is not the speech but it’s something like…
Jeff:
Defend…
Casey:
“We are all part of the same planet that creates the things that we sell in the economy,” or whatever…
Jeff:
It was… Right. It was not…
Casey:
It’s, like, something that doesn’t make any sense…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you’re just like, “Wait, what?” And it’s like, “The sun may be burning but we are still alone.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you’re just like, “Was that about this film? Or…”
Jeff:
Yeah, and then he blasted off.
Casey:
So he says a bunch of meaningless shit. He blasts off and one of the things that happens…
Jeff:
And it’s… We’re not just joking [inaudible 81:18] there’s actually some weird grammatical [ there ] where he says, “Defends… Defend…” Like…
Casey:
Oh, I don’t remember…
Jeff:
There’s a weird [ comma, comma… ]
Casey:
I don’t remember it that well. Okay.
Jeff:
I remember it being, like, “Wait…”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And I was like, “Oh, I must’ve misheard, like… Okay.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. It makes no sense.
Casey:
And so, at the end, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You have Marky Mark… And this was, I thought, particularly interesting. You have Marky Mark and the inventor dude, right? Now, they decide all of a sudden that they are best friends.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
Big old hug. The other dude’s like, “I’ll rebuild your barn for you because I got money. We will get you a house.”
Jeff:
Right. He says, “Let’s go home, honey.” And the girl says, “We can’t. It’s blown up.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he says, “I think we can do something about that.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, P.S., that guy is gonna be in litigation for the rest of his life. His company just destroyed Hong Kong.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s got nothing. You’ve got… Let me just say this. By having nothing…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You have a lot more money than he does right now.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because he’s got a lot of liability on his…
Casey:
Well, first of all, it’s not a liability. I feel like if you cause that much trouble in China, you’re looking at the inside of a prison cell pretty quickly.
Jeff:
Oh, right. You’re not getting out.
Casey:
I have a feeling that you will be in trouble.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because I don’t think they’re just gonna be like, “No, it’s fine. We’ll send them back to the US. Don’t worry about it.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s probably not the attitude that the Chinese government would take towards leveling Hong Kong.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s right. It was rough.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was pretty darn bad.
Casey:
So after this movie was over…
Jeff:
John said something very important.
Casey:
Yes, that’s true. He did. Well, you can recap that. I was gonna say something else.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, John just said, “I think that was it for me. I don’t think I can do another…”
Casey:
Yeah. And to be honest, I was thinking the exact same thing.
Jeff:
Yeah, that…
Casey:
I think… So “Transformers 4”…
Jeff:
He broke us.
Casey:
“Transformers 4” is so bad…
Jeff:
We give up. Yeah.
Casey:
And it was bad… So the interesting thing about it is I feel like… So let’s say that you had… You know that video? I think it’s one of your favorites, actually. And it’s basically a video of a, you know, a high school track and field meet where there’s a girl who’s trying to do the hurdles…
Jeff:
And she falls on the first one.
Casey:
And there’s two of them, actually.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they can’t quite do it. And they keep getting… They’re trying really hard and they just fall…
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
Repeatedly…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They’re just getting mauled by these hurdles.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it’s brutal but it’s hilarious.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And here’s the thing — The comedy in that only works because she’s really trying.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Okay?
Jeff:
Well, there’s 2 things that make that video work, in my opinion.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
One is there’s 2 people falling…
Casey:
2 of them, yeah.
Jeff:
And one of them falls so bad you’re like, “Oh, my God.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Then the other girl falls enough that the girl that fell bad catches up and beats her.
Casey:
Yeah, yeah. Right.
Jeff:
So that’s funny.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But the other thing and the most important thing…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is the father of one of the girls has placed, like, a Bryan Adams song. And it says, “Never surrender,” on it. Never give up. Never surrender. And then, it plays that music while she’s falling. That’s… And so, then of course, the internet gets on it and they slow the song down so she’s like…
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
It’s like… Bryan Adams goes, like…
Casey:
Are you sure the internet didn’t add that song? I feel like the dad would not have added… No, the internet probably added that song.
Jeff:
Apparently the titles are real.
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
The “Never Give Up…” something…
Casey:
So here’s the thing…
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t know the song.
Casey:
To me, watching a bad movie has that same structure to the comedy.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I want to see people trying to make a movie and failing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And failing… That’s what I want to see.
Jeff:
You actually don’t mind that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s a…
Casey:
That’s what I want to see.
Jeff:
To you, that’s a good bad movie.
Casey:
And Michael Bay isn’t trying to make a movie.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
And that’s where this has gone off the rails.
Jeff:
Right. This is just a bad bad movie.
Casey:
I think that Transformers… Somewhere around 2, honestly, it just became… We’re not even making a movie anymore. We don’t have a script. We don’t have an idea…
Jeff:
I still think 2 is the worst one.
Casey:
It’s pretty amazingly bad.
Jeff:
Yeah, that one’s the one that’s really, really bad. I can’t bring myself to re-watch it but…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I remember being, like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
A little physically angry in the theater in that one.
Casey:
And so that’s why, like, I… You know, if I go watch “The Asylum” or something, it’s someone trying to make a movie and really failing. It’s great.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, fiascos are fun.
Casey:
Fiascos are fantastic. Someone who just fucking shot a music video and they weren’t ever trying to make it do anything at all, that’s not funny. It’s just shitty.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like watching MTV with music you don’t like.
Jeff:
Right, right, right.
Casey:
Well, VH1 now or whatever shows music videos. I don’t even know… YouTube, I guess would be the place. So it’s really hard to fucking take.
Jeff:
Anyway, it’s pretty rough.
Casey:
So I think that may be the end of our “Transformers”…
Jeff:
We’re not seeing that “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movies.
Casey:
Oh, man. It… Producer… They had him on… They’re produced by Michael Bay on that…
Jeff:
Yeah, he’s… Is it just produced? I thought he actually did it.
Casey:
Oh, you think he did the movie?
Jeff:
I thought he did the thing. I mean, probably not since he was doing this one but…
Casey:
Who knows?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, ‘cos it took all his fucking attention to make this film, apparently.
Jeff:
What attention he has, Casey.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
What attention he has.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody.
Casey:
Don’t see this movie.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, the one thing about this is, like, when we reviewed “Pacific Rim”, there were people that were into it. So like, they were…
Casey:
I really hope that no one…
Jeff:
And it got good reviews. This one did not. So at least we’re, like, in alignment…
Casey:
“Pacific Rim” had, like, a 70-something at Rotten Tomatoes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This has 17.
Jeff:
Yeah, so at least…
Casey:
So it’s in order or magnitude difference there, like… It’s like… Yeah…
Jeff:
At least I feel like everybody’s on the same page.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But if anyone fucking email’s me, like, “Hey, man, it’s just a movie,” I’m gonna fucking blow up because…
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s not a thing…
Casey:
And it’s not a movie.
Jeff:
You’re not allowed to do that, right? Like… Well, yeah, I just… That kind of thing of “it’s about a silly subject so it doesn’t have to be a movie, technically” is something that really bugs me. Of course there’s… You can make a good movie about really stupid things. There are good movies about super stupid stuff.
Casey:
Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
This is just a bad movie.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
And it doesn’t matter that it’s about bad robots. It doesn’t make it okay.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s not acceptable.
Casey:
And this is a bad bad movie. That’s the thing. That’s what I’m trying to say.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like…
Jeff:
It’s not a good bad movie. It’s not an “Asylum”.
Casey:
I’m even okay with good bad movies, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And the same was true… That’s… As we talked about “Pacific Rim”, the same was true with that movie is, like, at some level, I couldn’t even enjoy it… If I had gone in knowing it was gonna be bad, I couldn’t probably even enjoyed that one, either. It’s just… It’s too bad. They are just legitimately awful in a way that’s unredeemable and you can’t even salvage it by watching it ironically or something like this.
Jeff:
Yep, yep.
Casey:
There’s no hipster-ism in this. It’s just fucking bad.
Jeff:
Yep. Anyway… Okay, well, we will not be seeing another one of these for a while.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
This is the last movie we’ll get for a while.
Casey:
I think you’re gonna have to… You’re gonna have to do “Transformers 5” on your own, man.
Jeff:
Yeah, you’re on your own, people.
Casey:
Sorry, guys. Yeah.
Jeff:
But if you have another subject you’d like us to talk about…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Please email us at JeffAndCaseyShow.com…
Casey:
Yes. Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com…
Jeff:
Sorry. Yep.
Casey:
Send us your emails. We read them all and we try to get to them all but it takes us an awfully long ass time.
Jeff:
That’s right. Well, hey, thanks everybody.
Casey:
We’ll see you next week.
Jeff:
Thanks.
Site design and technology © Copyright 2005-2014 by Molly Rocket, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
Contents are assumed to be copyright by their individual authors.
Do not duplicate without their express permission.
casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 4 - episode 24
prev
next
mollyrocket.com