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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Jeff's Breakfast To-don'ts
"The higher-order to-don't is, don't go to the bathroom while the bacon's in the pan."
Original air date: February 24th, 2014
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello. And welcome to Season 4 of the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Season 4?
Casey:
There have been 4 seasons.
Jeff:
You don’t want to say 2014? Like…
Casey:
Don’t date us, man.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
These are timeless classics. I feel like these are the kinds of things that someday (in the far, far future), people will get… You know how they have [ Clarion ] collection or whatever it is and they take a bunch of [ DVD’s ]…
Jeff:
[ Criterion ]?
Casey:
That. I don’t know movies so that’s…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But you know what I’m talking about.
Jeff:
I know what you’re talking about.
Casey:
And they’re like, “These are the priceless gems of the past.” It’s like, we’re not going to say when Citizen Kane was. It doesn’t matter because it’s so important that you see it. Here it is.
Jeff:
That gives me a good idea. What we should do is we should go back and do a commentary track for one of the episodes that we did…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is longer than the thing as we tend to do…
Casey:
But what do you mean? How can you comment on something that’s audio already? You couldn’t tell…
Jeff:
No, we’d just be like, “So, see. What I was thinking here was I thought Casey was going to bring up the point that it’s racist. But he didn’t. He brought the fact up that it was sexist.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“So that’s why there was a pause here as I was thinking about what to say next.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That kind of thing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And also, that gives us media expansion, like, indefinitely. If it’s an hour podcast…
Casey:
Right, you can comment on the commentary.
Jeff:
Then that would be 90 minutes for us because we only expand.
Casey:
You know what we need?
Jeff:
So I think the other thing we should probably address…
Casey:
[inaudible 1:19] Director’s Cut. That’s what we need. We also need a Director’s Cut.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, all the material that got deleted which I guess was really nothing, unfortunately, because we don’t edit…
Jeff:
In the early days, we used to edit, when we took out a few um’s and ah’s. But then now, we just… We’re lazy. We don’t give a shit.
Casey:
Well, actually, you know what…
Jeff:
They’re in there with us.
Casey:
Here’s the thing, this just shows you how quickly our standards dropped.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I feel like, for the 2nd episode of the Jeff & Casey show…
Jeff:
We did nothing.
Casey:
No, wait. We did multiple takes.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, that’s definitely true.
Casey:
Right? Like with the boob massage robot, remember? We did multiple takes of it.
Jeff:
I don’t think we ever did a…
Casey:
And we only picked the good takes… By episode 3, it was just fire and forget. It was like, whatever went down, it was like, “It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares including us.” And that was that.
Jeff:
Well, there is something that you have noticed by now and that is we are back in audio form.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
And this is an experiment for this season, again, as we keep playing around with it to see whether we like the intimacy…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I think it’s what was brought up before.
Casey:
Well, I like the audio better, actually, personally. I like making the audio better.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
And the reason for that… I have a very real reason for that, a concrete reason for that, if you will, a reason that if it were mixed and poured as the foundation of a building would be concrete. And that is…
Jeff:
So in the court of law, you can bring this up as a reason that would be plausible?
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Alright. I see.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So if there was a future class about this podcast, they’re going back, this would be one of the founding…
Casey:
Yeah, this is a founding principle.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In fact, one of the things that I think we should probably establish…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because here’s the thing…
Jeff:
If we were Greek, I would basically be Aristotle, right?
Casey:
Okay. Alright. Well, if you’re Aristotle, then I’m Plato, bitch.
Jeff:
Okay. Is he better? I don’t even…
Casey:
Well, they go in order, right. So you have Socrates, Plato, Aristotle… Like, you go down the line and it’s unclear who you want to be. Like, do you want to be closer to the head, do you want to be like a dude who was more seminal? Or do you want to be further down the line because you knew more shit? I mean, Aristotle knew more shit, right?
Jeff:
In my Philosophy class, that was called being at the front of the end of the centipede. That’s what we called that.
Casey:
Okay, the Philosophy train. Get on the Philosophy train. Right.
Jeff:
The Philosophy centipede. Alright, continue.
Casey:
Pushing on the stack principles of the Jeff & Casey Show… Because we’ve never formally established these and I feel like they should be formally established. And this would be a great time here in Season 4 to go, “What are the guiding principles of the Jeff & Casey Show?” Let’s get these down. Put that on the stack and I’ll talk about my…
Jeff:
It’s just a separate stack thing. This is supposed to be such a short stack [ push ], it’s such a small function…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
What we’re going to talk about next in the next podcast is up on my laptop. And I just looked over and it is a slideshow…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And I have to scroll past the slideshow because it was so distracting, the immense racism that was being…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
We’ll come back to that in the next show. Continue. Alright. Now, the concrete?
Casey:
The concrete pouring principle here… So I feel like the value (at least to me) in the old podcast, the thing that I really liked about the podcasts was that there was an extremely sort of dense exploration of the topic. It was really organic and wild, how much stuff around the topic was explored.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
As opposed to most… Whatever you want to call them. I don’t know if you want to say podcasts but most sources of media, they are very focused. And in fact, nowadays, you look even… Basically, everywhere you go, things are trying to be more and more on topic to some degree.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like they’re more and more cut to keep you moving through things quickly rather than staying somewhere and really kind of mining it for everything that it’s worth, right?
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Okay.
Casey:
It’s like…
Jeff:
Put on the shit boots and just stand in it.
Casey:
Yeah. Kind of.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I feel like the audio format, because there isn’t a camera that you’re looking… You don’t have to be aware of who you’re looking at or where you’re sitting which you just unconsciously start to do when you have something to address.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I feel like it took me out of the mental space of the idea we were talking about…
Jeff:
Interesting.
Casey:
So I was much more on topic. And frankly, I don’t know that anyone needs another podcast that’s on topic. I mean, if you wanted an on topic podcast, you can get that.
Jeff:
I see. Right.
Casey:
We don’t have anything valuable to give you.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
I see. [inaudible 6:18]
Casey:
The value [ that had ] is we are not focused.
Jeff:
Right. I see. What you’re saying is what we bring to the table is putting lots of things on the table? Like, we bring lots of thing to the table…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I see. Interesting.
Casey:
And it was very… So furthermore, the video podcast, right… And this is entirely my fault. I take complete responsibility for this. You go watch one of the video podcasts that’s on whatever, like on whether or not you should [ PAX ] or a serious topic like this, right… And it was really focused. Like, I watched it and it was a very concrete discussion that stuck to the… Like, nobody, during the entire thing… Space aliens were never considered. There was no trademark style to that, at all. And I was like, “Why am I making this? Why am I even a part of this? There is no reason for me to show up and make this stuff because I wouldn’t even watch this show.” Not that it’s bad because it’s no worse than anything else out there, certainly. But it just wasn’t authentic.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And so, I really am looking forward to the audio again because I feel like…
Jeff:
You think it will be more random?
Casey:
Either that or we’ve gotten too old, in which case we’ll just know. Like, it’s over, right? It’s done.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So there you go.
Jeff:
Well, that might be true. I don’t know if that’s true but we’ll see one way or the other right away. I will say… I was emailing you recently about my situations that I had in New York because I had a couple…
Casey:
Which situations?
Jeff:
Well, I had the bacon grease situation…
Casey:
The bacon grease situation is…
Jeff:
Followed up by the revolving situation.
Casey:
Revolving situation?
Jeff:
Yeah, the revolving… I needed to revolve my weights because the weights were no revolving.
Casey:
Oh, right, the Lazy Susan.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay, yes, yes…
Jeff:
So, I had those 2 situations. We went into some detail about the fact that… So, I’ve been cooking bacon every morning…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And it produces bacon grease. And this bacon I got from Whole Foods was a lot of grease, a wicked lot of grease.
Casey:
Let’s pause for a second. I think one thing that we should bring up here is that you are cooking breakfast, at all.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because that is kind of a new phase in the Jeff Roberts era.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because you are not a breakfast-cooking fellow for most your life, I feel.
Jeff:
I would say it’s just, for me, an expedient thing to do.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, cooking eggs is fast.
Casey:
Yes, it is.
Jeff:
It doesn’t take any time.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
And the problem when is you have eggs every day, you start getting egg fatigue, you know?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like, it’s listed. It’s a thing. And I got it. And so, I need to mix it up. So then, I was like, “Alright, I’ll start cooking bacon.” And then the other thing, if you cook bacon first, you get all this grease.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Your pan is greased. So when you cook the eggs, they don’t stick to the pan.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s kind of the style of cooking a fried egg.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Instead of using oil…
Jeff:
I wasn’t using anything. So all my shit was sticking like crazy.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I had this metal spatula to get it off.
Casey:
Eggs are kind of crazy in that way. The proteins in eggs… I mean, this is the reason why eggs are so foundational in bacon, right, is because they have all these proteins in there and the proteins change structures you go up through the heat curve. So at a 160 degrees, a set of them will change structure. At 170, 180, 190… There’s all these points…
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
At which the protein is changed. But what it also means is that that shit fucking binds to the pan… Like, the egg will weld to a pan like it was fucking bonded. It could hold a painting to a wall at some level.
Jeff:
And even the no-stick, it was just a pain in the ass.
Casey:
It doesn’t matter, yeah.
Jeff:
So then I thought, “Okay, I’ll use bacon.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But then… And I did use bacon.
Casey:
I like a good bacon fried egg. I used to make those. They’re good.
Jeff:
But there’s so much grease after you cook bacon that I dump…
Casey:
How much bacon were you cooking?
Jeff:
Just 2 pieces.
Casey:
Do you like them real crispy?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. So you basically fry off all your fat. All the fat went in the pan.
Jeff:
I’m just saying there’s a wicked lot of bacon grease and I couldn’t cook an egg in that. I could dump that off. And so I was just dumping it down the drain…
Casey:
I’m fascinated to know where you’re going with this, by the way.
Jeff:
So I’ve been dumping it down the drain forever.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then I went back to New York in or new place and I dump it down the drain. That’s my usual thing.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And Dawn’s like, “You cannot do that.”
Casey:
Do not do that, okay.
Jeff:
She says, “You cannot do that.”
Casey:
She’s like, “Don’t put the bacon grease down the drain.”
Jeff:
And I’m like, “Okay, well New York’s a pussy because I do it in Seattle all the time.” She’s like, “Don’t do it there, either.” And apparently, this is just not something… There’s no warnings on the bacon saying, “Don’t do this,” but you’re not supposed to do it.
Casey:
Well, the problem is… I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience. I’ll throw it out there for you.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
Have you ever cooked something fatty like that or purchased something fatty like that, like bacon, and then put it out in the counter or in the refrigerator and waited an hour or 2 hours? Have you seen what fat does after it is no longer at boiling temperature?
Jeff:
Yeah, I know, because…
Casey:
It solidifies, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, it solidifies.
Casey:
Okay. That is what will happen in the sewer.
Jeff:
Yeah. Fine, it’s just gone away.
Casey:
The problem is…
Jeff:
It’s washed away.
Casey:
In the sewer, you end up with the giant congealed ball of grease.
Jeff:
But that’s the least thing you have to worry about in a sewer. There’s shit and bodies and alligators and all that down there. Why are we worrying about a little bit of bacon grease? It feeds the alligators.
Casey:
Alright, in your world… I’m trying to put myself into Jeff World…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright, so we have babies and alligators and all that shit that you want to throw out, right? You throw out your baby, it was crying and you’re like, “Fuck it. I’ll put it in the garbage disposal. Down it goes.”
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Okay.
Casey:
Ground up baby… You said baby. Didn’t you say babies? I feel like you said babies.
Jeff:
No, I didn’t say babies.
Casey:
Okay, never mind.
Jeff:
You brought that to your own table. My table…
Casey:
Whatever it was that you threw away…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The shit you threw away…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Coat hangers, bedding, pictures, a computer…
Jeff:
Why do you keep talking about babies…
Casey:
Because… I don’t know. That’s what I thought you said.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I wasn’t in tune. We’ve got to get our sync back.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
It’s gonna take a few episodes. So you say “alligator”, I think “baby”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anyway, all that shit is flushing through the sewers, just like you wanted. You threw it away. It’s gone. You don’t have to think about it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? Now, the problem with that is it’s exactly like your circulation system. If you start getting deposits in there like a clogged artery, it will fucking shut down the whole system. It can’t push through. So all the alligators and shit that will normally…
Jeff:
You just a bypass. You just bypass… You angioplasty that shit away.
Casey:
That’s correct. So that you’re doing when you don’t want to put all the grease down there is you’re trying to save the city the money of the number of bypasses it’s going to do because there are people who have to fucking deal with this shit. They have to go down and break up grease clusters, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. My system employs… It makes jobs. So your way, you’re just putting people out of work.
Casey:
Okay. That’s good. So you’re thinking of it as a DPW?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’re like, “Let’s flush more grease down the drain so that we can make jobs for people to clean the grease out.”
Jeff:
We should all do it. As long as my drain doesn’t clog. Because if I’ve got to get it… And so, I…
Casey:
You’ve just got to get it down quick enough.
Jeff:
Yeah. And so, how I was rolling was I’d run the Hot, so it’s really hot and steaming, and then I pour the grease down there with the hot water…
Casey:
So it just flushes it?
Jeff:
Flushes right down. I also squirt some Dawn down there because it would bubble it up and then it would be fine.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, so Dawn said I couldn’t do that anymore.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So she said, “You put it in this mason jar.”
Casey:
What was her end game there? What was she going to do with the mason jar? Throw it out in the trash?”
Jeff:
Well, I’ll tell you what we did with it.
Casey:
No, but what was she…
Jeff:
We’re not gonna cook with it.
Casey:
But what was she saying?
Jeff:
Her only thing was to save the drain. She didn’t…
Casey:
So as far as she was concerned, you were gonna end up with a closet full of mason jars? She had no plan for where the mason jar was gonna go once it was filled?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
I assume we were just gonna put a [inaudible 13:56] on it.
Casey:
You 2 are made for each other. What the fuck.
Jeff:
I’ll tell you what we did with it in a minute because we did have to get rid of them.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So anyway, over the course of my pack of bacon, I filled up the mason jar and went on to jar # 2, right?
Casey:
Okay. Now, wait a minute, at that moment when the mason jar 1 fills up, did somebody go, “Hey, now might be a good time for us to think about what we should do with these mason jars…”
Jeff:
No, I just pushed it [ far away down ] to the end of the counter.
Casey:
Okay, so you were just like… There was counter space…
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s way back at the end…
Casey:
The counter space was sufficient…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So that you didn’t have to really worry about more mason jars?
Jeff:
And that jar was… It was really gross.
Casey:
Alright. So in your mind, you’re looking at the counter and your only thought is, “We could fill up a couple of these before I really have to worry about it. So it’s good. It’s fine.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I still had the whole bacon pack to go.
Casey:
I love it. Alright.
Jeff:
So anyway, I get the jar # 2 out…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And we have these mason jars. The only reason we have these mason jars is the interior decorator put them around the house, put flowers and shit in them…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, whatever… Then the flowers die and you just have empty mason jars. And I’m not gonna get more flowers.
Casey:
No, you’re not.
Jeff:
That’s not gonna happen.
Casey:
I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Jeff:
So I put all the jars away. So now, we have these jars.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And they’re like… I don’t know. She runs a…
Casey:
She? The interior decorator?
Jeff:
The interior decorator runs an antique store. So these are all old bottles or mason jars.
Casey:
Okay, antique mason jars.
Jeff:
Apparently. And so, then I pour it into that one…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Brand new jar.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then I turn around to crack eggs into it and I hear “crack”, like… I was like, “Whoa.” And I look at the glass and I can’t see anything wrong with it or anything…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
So I’m like, “Alright, that’s weird. It was just the heat expanding or whatever.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So then, for the next 3 days, I’m pouring more stuff into the jar, right? And I finally go, “I’m gonna move these jars over a little bit, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So I pick up jar # 1…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And the whole… The cylinder that is a jar… There’s a base and cylinder.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The cylinder comes right off. The base stays right there.
Casey:
You just have a fat… A lard block…
Jeff:
It’s not block-y. It doesn’t… It never congealed at room temperature. It’s was still liquid-y. It didn’t turn white.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yeah. It just stayed greasy.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
It was thick, so it was kind of like molasses. Thinner than molasses.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Just goes… In a big expanding circle. And the wave of bacon smell was crazy. I’m like, “No, no, no…”
Casey:
Okay, so because the bacon fat was rendered, I guess it was not solid at room temperature anymore or not that solid. It was semi-solid.
Jeff:
It was not even… No, it was liquid.
Casey:
Weird. Alright. Okay. I guess maybe that’s what happens when you [inaudible 16:58]
Jeff:
So then, I’m like, “Holy shit,” and I grab some paper towels and I block it in but it kinda… It’s just ever-expanding…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I’m going, “No, no, no!”
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And it’s a full-on Exxon situation.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I have all these paper towels…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then some goes down in the crack between my stove and the counter, right. It drips down in there. I’m like, “Fuck!”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But I get the rest of it. There wasn’t a lot but it was some. Cleaned all that up and it fucking reeked.
Casey:
It’s interesting that you say that it’s an Exxon situation because I feel like it’s an Exxon situation all around, like, right down to the fact that you couldn’t give a flying fuck…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Where this bacon grease goes, right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s exactly like Exxon where they’re like, “We don’t care.”
Jeff:
The sewer’s [inaudible 17:43] the ocean. [inaudible 17:45]
Casey:
“We don’t care about sewer alligators or whoever or whatever you’re talking about.”
Jeff:
Yeah. I wouldn’t put this in the ocean.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
So I mean, I guess, basically, all we’re talking about here is the fact that, “Hey, guess what, antique mason jars aren’t Pyrex.” Surprise, surprise. Like, why is that…
Jeff:
I clean up jar # 2 and all the… And I get right down to between the crack. And then I go and sniff…
Casey:
You can still smell the bacon?
Jeff:
Oh, it’s bacon. And I’m like, “Oh, fuck that.”
Casey:
But bacon smells good. I mean, bacon’s not a bad smell. People get candles that are scented like bacon, you know.
Jeff:
Yeah, people are a little weird about bacon but I’m not that weird about bacon.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But the stove’s in. You can’t pull it out. It’s connected. So I’m fucked. So I just squirted Dawn down there, too, like down the crack.
Casey:
The dishwashing detergent?
Jeff:
Because it smells fantastic. So the soap hooks to the bacon…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
And turns it into water. It makes it go away which, by the way…
Casey:
Can you just unpack that statement for me, please. Say it again. The dishwashing detergent…
Jeff:
Combines…
Casey:
Attaches to the bacon…
Jeff:
To the bacon grease.
Casey:
And becomes water?
Jeff:
It turns into non-greasy stuff. It turns into…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know… It’s probably not water.
Casey:
Yeah, probably.
Jeff:
But it’s not gross.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And it smells like Dawn. And then I thought, “Okay, fuck bacon.” And just since I’m not doing…
Casey:
This is amazing. I like how far we’ve gone down here. I still have no idea what’s going on in this story. This is an amazing story. I will point out, by the way, just for the benefit of the… In case there are children listening…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I believe that actually what happens with detergents is that they don’t actually do anything. Like, a detergent is like a… You could almost imagine it like an octopus kind of…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s like a polar end… It’s like a molecule that has a bunch of tendrils coming out of it…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That are designed to grab on to stuff. And then the other end is something that water will grab on to, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it sort of pull everything… It sort of makes it much easier to pull things away that are non-polar because water’s a polar molecule. It has a positive and negative side to it.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And so, if you have stuff that will easily get dissolved in that, then you don’t need soap. It will just get… You know, when you rinse it with water, it will just get washed away.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
But when you have things that aren’t, right…
Jeff:
Like bacon grease?
Casey:
Yes, or things that are tightly cohered together… You want something that will get in there and pull those… You know, they’re gonna pull those off of that, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, pull the bacon right out of the crack.
Casey:
So I feel like putting dishwashing detergent on to something, all it does is it just adds another layer to the… It doesn’t de-materialize it, I don’t think.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t know. It doesn’t…
Casey:
You have to just rinse it, get some water in there, you know?
Jeff:
Yeah, I could squirt some water down, too.
Casey:
Alright, I don’t know, though. We’ll have to see. That will be interesting. Somebody… Remember that time that the dude wrote in and he was like, “Your discussion of geese… Like, bird taxonomy is completely wrong.”
Jeff:
Completely wrong.
Casey:
We’re like, “Yes, we are not surprised.” So someone will have to write in and be like, “That’s not how soap works, at all.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But I feel like if you’re not talking about some kind of an actual acidic or basic… Like lye… Like, there are detergents that go after shit and break it down.
Jeff:
Yeah, acid and base, soap and grease. Mix them together and they [ get it away ]. It’s like dividing by zero.
Casey:
So moving on…
Jeff:
Anyway… So I’m like, “Fuck bacon. It’s a huge disaster. I’m not dealing with that again. This totally ruined my breakfast in terms of enjoying it.”
Casey:
Alright. Okay.
Jeff:
So I go, “I’m not gonna cook bacon anymore.”
Casey:
Okay. So bacon’s done. But the eggs are still there?
Jeff:
Right. So then, I still have jar 1 to get rid of.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So then, I thought, “Okay, I better get to turning this into water.” So I squirt a whole bunch of Dawn into that jar…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Well, just so that it turns in and then I’m gonna dump it. That was my plan.
Casey:
But why did you have to do that before dumping? Why didn’t you just dump it?
Jeff:
Because I’m not allowed to dump.
Casey:
The whole jar was thrown in the trash.
Jeff:
Well, okay. Let me finish. I was gonna turn it into water and then dump it down the drain and be done with it.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Because I’m done with bacon. I’m like, “This is my last time. This is…”
Casey:
But she told you not to throw it…
Jeff:
I know. It’s like a last binge before you quit.
Casey:
Fucking guy.
Jeff:
So I was gonna do that. And then I turned… The soap turned all the bacon with weird stalactites… Like, these little lines of white through it…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Didn’t help at all.
Casey:
No. This is amazing.
Jeff:
Remember, we live on the 7th floor and it’s a trash compactor. And I’m like…
Casey:
Okay, I’ve never seen the new place.
Jeff:
I didn’t want to throw that down…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because it would just grease the shit out of that tube, the chute. The chute would be greased.
Casey:
Okay, bacon tube.
Jeff:
And I’m sure we’d be in roach town.
Casey:
Okay. Do cockroaches like bacon?
Jeff:
I was like, “What do we do with this?” And then Dawn said, “Let’s just throw it away on the street.”
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
So then…
Casey:
What do you mean on the street?
Jeff:
So then, I poured half of jar # 1 into jar 3.
Casey:
There’s a 3rd jar?
Jeff:
There’s now a 3rd jar.
Casey:
You never mentioned the 3rd jar.
Jeff:
This just happened.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I mean, this is the final scene. I pull another mason jar so that they weren’t quite so… Because jar 1 was filled to the brim with the soap.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The soap really topped it off. So I poured it half and half and then I stuffed paper towels in the top.
Casey:
You’re like making almost like a grease fire bomb.
Jeff:
I kind of thought it was kind of bomb-y…
Casey:
Yeah, a volatile cocktail.
Jeff:
But I just didn’t want it to spill. And then I tied it and put it…
Casey:
Whatever NPD, like, people who were spying on your place that day, were losing their shit. They’re like, “We don’t know what to do. Do we bust in the door now? Do we wait until they contact an Arab? What are we doing here?”
Jeff:
So then, I put them in a plastic bag, tie the plastic bag shut, and then went out to one of the little garbage… You know, New York does one thing that’s really nice that Seattle doesn’t do…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is that every single street corner has a big garbage can.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Seattle doesn’t do enough of that so there’s always fucking trash blowing around.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
There are garbage cans but every 6 blocks. They’re very…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But New York has them everywhere. So I just go… Dumped in, problem solved…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Threw the rest of my bacon away…
Casey:
Okay, so one thing I don’t totally understand… I mean, I’m just trying to make sure I understand the full gamut of this because, I’ll be honest… I mean, I don’t think I’m… Maybe the listeners at home are, like, really understanding what’s going on in a deep way here.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But I’m fucking clueless as to what the hell’s got… I barely follow any of that.
Jeff:
What do you… It’s just a bacon situation.
Casey:
So you had…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s kind of like one of those SAT problems. You’re like, “Jeff has 2 jars and he pours in 1 jar and he…” You know, whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, I just want to get this totally straight. You had 2 jars of bacon grease. One jar got separated. So you pull the top off…
Jeff:
And it went everywhere.
Casey:
So now, there is just one jar filled with grease that is intact and one jar that is separated, with the grease going all over the place?
Jeff:
Yeah, I wiped all that up with…
Casey:
You wiped all that up with paper towels and shit…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Where did that grease go?
Jeff:
I put that in a big plastic bag.
Casey:
That’s in the garbage bag.
Jeff:
And I put that in the chute.
Casey:
You put that in the chute.
Jeff:
I just didn’t want the bottles to break going down the chute.
Casey:
You didn’t want the bottles to break going down the chute, okay. So that went into the chute.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So now, you have one empty mason jar that you’re calling jar # 3 that we get to later…
Jeff:
Yeah, I have like 4, 5, and 6, too.
Casey:
But they’re not part of the story?
Jeff:
They’re not part of the story, no.
Casey:
So you have jar # 3 that’s empty and you have jar # 1 which is full?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But not quite full, not all the way full, but most of the way full of bacon grease.
Jeff:
Yeah, until the Dawn situation. So I squirt the soap in there and now it’s really full.
Casey:
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So at that moment… This is the part that I really want to get to, clarification-wise. I’m trying to reconstruct the whole thing in my mind. I want to do the due diligence on this so I understand what you’re saying. You need to throw this jar out and you’re gonna throw it out on the street.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Why did you pour dishwashing detergent into it first? What was the thinking?
Jeff:
I was not… At that point, I was planning to just dump it down the drain.
Casey:
Okay. So you thought…
Jeff:
If I squirt enough soap in there…
Casey:
“If I put soap into it, I dump it in the drain, and then I’ll just get my jar back. I’ll wash this jar out and use it for flowers again or something.”
Jeff:
No, I’ll just throw it away but, yeah. Yeah…
Casey:
Okay. So then, you’ll still throw it away. So why, in your head, did you need to get the grease out of the jar before throwing the jar away?
Jeff:
Because if you threw a bottle down the chute… A, you’re not supposed to throw bottles away in New York.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You get in big trouble.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
B, when it goes down the chute, the bottle’s gonna break…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And there’s a bag of grease spilling down the chute, right?
Casey:
This was the part… That was the key. Okay. So the key insight… I’m glad I drilled down on this because I didn’t fully understand the mental process. I sort of did, didn’t quite. The key insight is you didn’t think of throwing it away on the street until after you already began the process of trying to figure out how to get it down the chute.
Jeff:
I had to get it into water, yeah.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
Or just down the drain at that point.
Casey:
Got it. Got it.
Jeff:
So then, I put it on the street. Yeah, like you say, it’s kind of like just a candle now because all the paper towels…
Casey:
You could have lit that on fire. It would be like a kerosene lamp, right? It’s like whale blubber.
Jeff:
I will say, in New York, you can literally put anything on the street… If I didn’t throw those away, someone will take it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’ll go, “Free bacon grease.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I put…
Casey:
No one wanted this? It’s full thing of bacon grease.
Jeff:
I put a large… So we moved in December and they broke my flat screen TV. Cracked it straight down the middle.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
That’s fucked. Like, you turn it on, it’s like…
Casey:
I’m imagining that these people have a name like “Careful Movers” or something, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, I can’t… Yes, yes. I think it wasn’t… I mean it was their fault but it wasn’t their fault in the sense that it was very well padded. They just laid it on its back. And you never can do that with a TV. They have to be standing up. They’re just not meant to support their weight flat.
Casey:
Of course not, yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway… So they broke that. And I’m like, “What are we gonna do with this?” And then, I was like, “You know what, I’ll put a sign on that will say it’s broken. It’s cracked. And then, trash.” And eventually, the garbage men come… I don’t remember what day. It’s like 3 days from now…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But we put it leaning up against the building and then the trash men will eventually just take it.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
You put [inaudible 28:19] That’s kind of how they get rid of bigger things in New York.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
We put it down there. 15 minutes later, we go to dinner. It’s gone. Someone’s taken a broken… It has a sticker on it that says, “Cracked. Broken.” Still took it.
Casey:
And you’re saying it doesn’t work at all? Like, you can’t use it cracked? It’s just completely dead?
Jeff:
No. I mean, I’m sure there’s parts in there maybe but random dude walking by the street, I don’t think is… I guess he’s like, “Oh, maybe I can make this work.” Anyway, so I could have just put it on the street.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
Well, that is a ridiculous story.
Jeff:
No, it’s not. You just don’t cook bacon. That’s the end of the story.
Casey:
I feel like in order to try and make this podcast something of value to the listeners… I feel like we should try, at this point, to have some breakfast tips for them. I mean, you went through this whole discussion…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Basically, if I may, you have only really provided the listeners with a huge not-to-do, like a bad example. You’re like, “Don’t do any of these things that Jeff did with the grease.”
Jeff:
Okay, but that’s way more valuable.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Just in general…
Casey:
Okay. Learning from Jeff’s mistakes…
Jeff:
No, just in general, when I… You know how you can’t get any fucking instructions anymore that aren’t a YouTube video? Like, no matter what, it’s like, “How do I crack my HTC phone”, 500 YouTube videos of people cracking it that are 3 and a half fucking hours long that would be like 4 stages.
Casey:
Well, the thing I love about those, too, is yes they are 3 and a half hours long…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But 3 hours and 20 minutes of that is the dude’s desktop of his Windows machine and him going like, “Sooo… I’m here again with another one of the videos. If you like this video, go down to the bottom and hit Subscribe. Uh… Joe, last time, asked about…” And you’re just like, “Why is any of this on the video? None of this is necessary.
Jeff:
So what I’m saying is, more useful than a to-do list in general is a to-don’t list, right? Because to-don’t lists are way better for the shit that goes wrong.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because a to-do list is like, “Here’s how you replace your toilet…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then, shit goes wrong when you’re replacing a toilet. It’s gonna go wrong.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And so, that’s when you need a to-don’t list. It should be like, “Make sure you turn off the water main. You don’t turn off the water at the toilet because you might break that part, pulling the toilet out. You turn it off at the main.” That’s a to-don’t.
Casey:
So here’s the thing. I am in my head that you have just single-handedly created probably what is the best idea for a cooking show ever, right, because instead of he’s this, “Oh, he’s got a frying pan and he makes these lovely egg,” it’s like something where, like, it’s Gordon Ramsay’s, you know, whatever the fuck show it is, but it just starts out and it’s just bacon grease jars everywhere and he’s like, you know, “Right, I’m gonna show you today how you can get rid of all of this bacon grease, alright. Now what’s happened is we’ve cooked bacon for 3 days. And the fucking idiot who did it put it all in this jar. He bollocks-ed it up and we’ve got to get rid of it. Now, the first thing you’re gonna think of is, ‘Can I throw it down the chute?’ Let’s take a look at what happens when this asshole throws it down the chute.” And he does it and it does exactly like you said. It splinters apart and greases the whole chute. There’s people down, like, floor 3 or on lower levels, who now just have fat seeping out of aperture for the trash chute, you know? That would be perfect. Oh, my God. It would be the best show ever.
Jeff:
That would be amazing, yeah. But Gordon Ramsay…
Casey:
He’d just follow you around. It would be, like, “Gordon Ramsay’s Jeff Cooks Nightmares”.
Jeff:
I actually think that cooking to-don’ts are actually more useful because most of the time, things go fine when you don’t… Like, I had another to-don’t with the bacon. I had 2 more to-don’ts with the bacon. These are all my bacon to-don’ts.
Casey:
Okay, hit me.
Jeff:
When I dump the grease out into the jar…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s a pan so it doesn’t have a spigot. So it doesn’t pour cleanly.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So some of it got on the bottom of the pan. And I have a gas stove.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So, I lit the whole pan on fire.
Casey:
Okay, yep. That’ll happen.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’ll happen. So you’ve got to wipe the grease back off before you put it back on or you’ll light the pan on fire.
Casey:
Perfect. That’s a good one.
Jeff:
Number 2, I put the bacon in…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it takes about 2 minutes a side…
Casey:
Now, I’d just like to point something out here. I mean, I don’t want to be pessimistic or anything but just to be clear, that pro-tip presupposes that you’re dumping the bacon into the mason jar which you still haven’t told anyone what you would do in reality because you don’t have a solution for that yet. You still don’t have the solution. You just gave up.
Jeff:
You put it on the street. You put it on the street.
Casey:
But you’re not even gonna do that anymore. You’re not doing that. You said you stopped cooking bacon.
Jeff:
Yeah, I just didn’t want to deal with all the bacon problem.
Casey:
So good.
Jeff:
Yeah, I mean, the higher thing is don’t cook shit that makes a lot of grease.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But yeah…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But the other one… And this was the morning of the bacon crack…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I forgot about this. So when I moved the jar…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because I said I moved jar 1…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The reason I moved fucking jar 1…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I put my bacon on…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That morning’s bacon…
Casey:
Alright…
Jeff:
And it took me about 2 minutes…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And I had to use the bathroom.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I go use the bathroom…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I just lose… You know, because you’re in the bathroom, sometimes you’re in there for a while.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And all of a sudden, the fucking fire alarm went off. So then, you’ve got 2 problems — You still have to clean up really quickly but it takes a second. And you’re like, “Aah!” [inaudible 34:29] And our alarms talk so it’s like, “There is a fire. There is a fire.” And in New York, there was just a fire…
Casey:
You put bacon on the stove and then went to the bathroom?
Jeff:
I had to go to the bathroom. And so, that’s my to-don’t. Don’t do that because… Okay, so then… So this is really all the same to-don’t because, then, I ran out there… Dawn was on a conference call so she had to go to mute. And she was, like, waving at me and I’m like, “I’m sorry.” And then… So I turn the fan on and I open some windows and was wafting it around because there was so much fucking smoke.
Casey:
I am dying here.
Jeff:
And then, I had the bacon and I poured the bacon into jar 1. And that’s when I went to move it so that I could put the pan back. So it wouldn’t have broke if the fire alarm hadn’t gone off. So the higher order to do is don’t go to the bathroom while the bacon’s… I mean, eventually jar # 2 would have become detached. There’s no question it was detached.
Casey:
It was already detached, you just didn’t know it yet.
Jeff:
Yeah, I didn’t know it yet.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But what forced the issue was the fire alarm.
Casey:
This is amazing.
Jeff:
So that’s my to-don’ts. My 3 bacon to-don’ts: Don’t go to the bathroom while the bacon’s on the stove. When you pour the grease out you’ve got to wipe the bottom of the pan or you’ll light the pan on fire.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And by the way, that’s hard to get out.
Casey:
I don’t even know how you… I’m trying to think of what that would even be in the cooking show. Like, how do you even teach that? Does it open in the bathroom and he’s like, trying to tell you, “Don’t ever come in here”?
Jeff:
No, I think.
Casey:
Like, “What the fuck are you doing in the bathroom if you’re supposed to be cooking bacon?”
Jeff:
I think the thing is just don’t go do anything else. Don’t leave the kitchen.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah. Don’t leave the kitchen. I mean, the bathroom’s just one of the places you could end up getting distracted, really.
Casey:
Okay. There could be a number of ways that this could happen.
Jeff:
You could start playing games or something in the bathroom. I just forgot.
Casey:
That is amazing. I’ve never… And here’s the thing, too, because we actually did discuss this on a previous podcast. When you were talking about the people who leave babies…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They leave babies in the car…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They have a baby or something…
Jeff:
That’s a to-don’t, a baby to-don’t. Don’t leave it in the car.
Casey:
Well, remember this… And I was like, “I don’t think I would ever leave a baby in a car because if I’m caring for a baby, then that’s primarily what I’m doing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, by the same token, if I’m cooking something, I don’t go leave that and do some other shit and then come back to it because I know that that’s a critical operation.
Jeff:
[ I was gonna ] come back to it. The plan was to go back quickly.
Casey:
This reinforces my idea, in general, that this would not be something that I would do because I do leave things occasionally, like things that are not attention-based.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So for example, I totally ruined the pot once because I just had the burners still on.
Jeff:
Yeah, I did that.
Casey:
But I never would leave a cooking item because I’m focused on the cooking, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So this reaffirms my conviction that I probably will never burn a baby to death.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I hope. Even though you think you totally would.
Jeff:
I [ think anybody ] could burn a baby. You could accidentally burn or leave the baby…
Casey:
Alright, so I think…
Jeff:
This is a good start, this episode.
Casey:
I don’t think our Season 4 opener was originally gonna be about you trying to manage bacon grease in your kitchen but it turned out to be. And that’s fine. So maybe we should go ahead and wrap up this one.
Jeff:
You should probably trademark “to-don’ts” right away.
Casey:
To-don’ts?
Jeff:
Yeah, because that’s good.
Casey:
I like the idea of a show that, for its entire duration… Like a cooking series or anything else, really…
Jeff:
No, I think to-don’ts are better.
Casey:
That does literally just does not have… They never tell you how to do anything. They only tell you how not to do it.
Jeff:
Yeah, I think that’s more useful.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I don’t want programming pearls. I want programming turds. Like, “Look at this shit. You don’t want to deal with it.”
Casey:
They have that. It’s called the C++ [ classification ].
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
We have that. We already have that. A number of people have made that. They didn’t call it that but it is that. They’ve got it. They’ve got it under control.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s called the Standard Template Library.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, we will…
Casey:
Standard Turd Library.
Jeff:
We’ll try to put this up somehow because this is a new form. It will probably go back up on our iPod or our iTunes, actually.
Casey:
We should be able to do iTunes.
Jeff:
And I don’t know, maybe we can put it on YouTube, as well, somehow and just put static background.
Casey:
We used to do that but nobody ever listened to it there. So I don’t know how useful it is. But yeah…
Jeff:
Alright, well, thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Thanks for tuning in.
Jeff:
And we will see you next week.
Casey:
We absolutely will. Take it easy.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 4 - episode 1
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