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The Jeff and Casey Show
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Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Thanksgivingcast 2010 - Part II
"War sucks. I better drop some more acid!"
Original air date: November 27th, 2010
Topics. U2. The United Nations. Happy November. Underwater resort. Woodstock. Lost keys. Summit meeting. The Who. Chewing gum. The Luxor Hotel. The Rolling Stones. WikiLeaks. Sexual harrassment. Les Paul. iPhone. Railing kill. The Spin Doctors. Martial law. Darwin the Dolphin. Vietnam.
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Transcript
Casey:
OK, we’re back.
Jeff:
We are back.
Casey:
Holy shit, the things we do for you, our listeners!
Jeff:
Yeah. Yeah.
Casey:
That was just. . .so I haven’t seen as many of these as you.
Jeff:
Mm-hm.
Casey:
That was just bad. That was. . .
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m taking a drink of water here.
Casey:
Yeah. Cleansing the palate?
Jeff:
I’m trying to cleanse something. So it’s true that you have not watched a lot of SeaQuest.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That was pretty classic SeaQuest, I mean that was roughly in the zone of most of the SeaQuests that I had to watch and report on.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But it was not nearly as flashy and outlandish as the one that you had the sort of honor. . .
Casey:
Luck to see?
Jeff:
The luck. . .the privilege let’s say. . .
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
. . .of seeing when you saw the one with me.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
All right. So to bring the listeners up to speed on where we’re at on SeaQuest here, we watched a SeaQuest that was. . .
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
. . .I guess this was. . . You didn’t see the one in between this one and the pirates one.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
The last one we reported on, there was one in between the two that I saw that you didn’t see.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
We never reported on that one, sadly.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
But we don’t report on all the SeaQuests, we only report on a select few.
Casey:
Yeah. There’s only so much SeaQuest we’ll give you.
Jeff:
That’s right. So this SeaQuest, what was the name of this one? It was lucky. . .
Casey:
Lucky. . .I don’t remember, I don’t care.
Jeff:
I don’t know, it doesn’t even matter. It’s some shitty episode of SeaQuest.
Casey:
Right. There was political intrigue.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This was a complicated, you know, potboiler. They really had a big plan. . .
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
. . .but a terrible follow-through, if you like.
Jeff:
Well so, here’s the deal. Apparently, and I don’t remember having this being addressed at all in previous SeaQuests, to the point of which I think they were making it up for this episode. Apparently, the UEO has like essentially an individual ambassador or chief from each of the sort of affiliated nations or something, that help patrol the oceans here.
Casey:
OK. OK. So the. . .
Jeff:
So SeaQuest is a UEO vessel. . .
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
There are apparently multiple UEO vessels out there. They’re. . .
Casey:
Even though they all seem to be American on the boat.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t know. Yeah.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
And they are essentially part of this sort of semi-military international organization. Like look at NATO, kind of thing. Right?
Casey:
Uh-huh. OK. So it’s kind of UN, under water.
Jeff:
Sort of, but more like NATO.
Casey:
All right.
Jeff:
It’s a military organization that happens. . .
Casey:
Above and below the water.
Jeff:
Below the water only I think, but I don’t know.
Casey:
OK. Right.
Jeff:
Anyway, point being, this organization is having their summit meeting, OK?
Casey:
Of course they are.
Jeff:
It’s some kind of a big Congress get together thing.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right. And so they’re going to have this with a huge amount of pomp and circumstance at this underwater resort that has just been completed. OK?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like the grand opening of an underwater resort complex.
Casey:
Right, right.
Jeff:
OK. And if you can imagine the Luxour Hotel under a giant geodesic dome, that’s basically where we’re at. Right. That’s what it is.
Casey:
Yeah. And really that’s close. Because the thing is, is because SeaQuest has such a shitty budget, everything on the show always looks so shitty, it really is Vegas-ey in the sense of this isn’t a beautiful hotel. This is a really shitty. . .
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s Disneyland, minus, minus.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like one step below quality resort entertainment. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, the point is, the SeaQuest is escorting I guess the secretary, essentially, of the UEO.
Casey:
Which is the main person.
Jeff:
Which is the main person, escorting her to this conference, it’s a she. Her and Bridger go way back, apparently there’s some animosity there. OK. They always have good times together, but there’s just a twinge of. . .
Casey:
They’re always laughing, those two.
Jeff:
. . .sort of friction. There’s a friction.
Casey:
Well there was definitely some sexual harassment kinds of stuff.
Jeff:
Yeah, she did tell Bridger upon entering the SeaQuest that he looked, I think I wrote this down, actually. It was definitely not OK.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was. . . “Nathan, you look gorgeous.”
Casey:
Gorgeous, yeah.
Jeff:
That’s what she said. “Nathan, you look gorgeous.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That’s not OK for a secretary to say to someone under their command, I don’t think.
Casey:
No. She going to have to go to some training. That’s definitely going to be a mark until she gets [indecipherable 04:13].
Jeff:
Right, yeah. Exactly. There’s a pubic hair on my undersea coat cam kind of a thing. Right. It’s like that’s not a [indecipherable 04:19] justice.
Casey:
Right. She’s definitely going to have to take some classes.
Jeff:
Going to have to take some classes. Anyway, point being there’s some sexual harassment. She’s on the SeaQuest, so she’s being escorted to this thing. And little do they know. . . We know. . .
Casey:
We know, right.
Jeff:
. . .as an audience, because we flash over to it now. Little do they know that a plot is brewing by an evil man with a phone. OK?
Casey:
Yes, he’s always on the phone.
Jeff:
He has a phone in every scene that he’s in.
Casey:
He’s always calling somebody.
Jeff:
He has a phone of some kind.
Casey:
Right. Full-on 80s style, crazy large cellphones.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. They didn’t get the fact that phones would be small in the future. So this thing is fucking huge.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s thin. Like they thinned it out from a satellite phone, but they kept the size. It’s huge, but thin.
Casey:
I also like, he’s talking on the phone in his office, and he has a desk phone that’s like all angular and shit, because it’s a future phone. . .
Jeff:
Yes, fucked up.
Casey:
. . .but it still has the curly little cable that like always gets tangled up.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah.
Casey:
So you know that bad guy’s always like, “Ugh, I’m always untangling this!”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. It’s fantastic. Anyway, we flash over to him, and he is apparently the person who runs this undersea resort.
Casey:
Uh-huh, right. OK, he’s like the Trump.
Jeff:
Right. He’s like the Donald Trump. He phones down to these people. There’s like all these construction workers in what looks like essentially a hollowed out missile silo. So it’s just a shaft, a cylindrical shaft. . .
Casey:
We have no explanation for this.
Jeff:
. . .with scaffolding all around it, and there’s just people working everywhere. Now they are working in all areas of this cylindrical shaft. And so in theory, if one were to in their head sort of imagine what must be constructed, it would have to be something that was all around this shaft. Right?
Casey:
Right, yes.
Jeff:
And that’s what they’re working on right now, while the SeaQuest is on route there. Like, “We’ll be there in a matter of hours.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The bad guy calls down, this sort of man in a business suit, in the only person who’s not wearing a hardhat in the hardhat area. OK?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This is clearly a hardhat area because everyone is in construction uniforms.
Casey:
That’s another violation.
Jeff:
That’s another violation. One guy is there is a business suit, and he answers the phone, and the guy’s like, “We need to test the secret shit.” And he doesn’t say that.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I don’t remember what he says, I don’t care what he says.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “We’re going to test secret shit.” And they’re like, “Let’s at least get all the men out of here.”
Casey:
Right. The workers, the union guys.
Jeff:
The workers out of here, I guess. Right. Meanwhile, obviously, none of these like 100 workers in there have reported this plot apparently. They’re just like fine with it. Like they’re the evil henchmen or something. Anyway, so point being he’s like, “Let’s get the workers out of here so they don’t get injured.” And the guy’s like. . .
Casey:
Now here’s a big, important thing. We have no idea at this point what’s going on.
Jeff:
No, the audience has no idea.
Casey:
We’re just like--who are these people, what are you testing? What the. . .?
Jeff:
We’ve got no idea. So you would normally think at this point, incompetent storytelling. And by competent I don’t mean good, because it’s not good. But I mean if this were just at the level of competence, usually what happens in this point in a script is. . .
Casey:
[indecipherable 07:16]!
Jeff:
The bad guys demonstrate the evil thing they’re going to do so that the audience is aware of it.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That would have cost too much money.
Casey:
Apparently.
Jeff:
Because that would involve a room sliding down a cylindrical shaft from the top to the bottom.
Casey:
Right. Which is what we find out this device is for.
Jeff:
Later. So all they can do at this point is the bad guy goes, “No. We’re going to test it now. Fuck the dudes, they need to get out of the way! If it works, it’ll be fine.” He pushes the button, everything. . .
Casey:
Shakes.
Jeff:
Like there’s a general rumbling. Like a general rumbling, like a low grade earthquake basically. And at that point the scaffolding is like is shaking a little bit, and some dude takes what is essentially a running dive over a railing.
Casey:
Over a railing.
Jeff:
It was a total like railing kill.
Casey:
Railing kill, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s like there’s no way he could ever have actually fallen off the railing in this fashion, because he’s like going over front-ways as well. He doesn’t stumble backwards.
Casey:
Right, right.
Jeff:
His wits are about him and he’s facing the railing. And yet still, he just goes straight for it, flips over, down he goes. And he doesn’t even really hit the railing.
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
It’s more like he dives, kind of like over it.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s really just a coincidence that one of the union workers wanted to commit suicide while they were doing the test.
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
In any case, they don’t care.
Jeff:
Right. Now apparently this does not work. It did not work.
Casey:
No, it didn’t work.
Jeff:
It didn’t work. We don’t see anything. All we see is the vibration. We see the vibration, guy goes over the railing, railing kill. The bad guy’s like, “It didn’t work. You’d better get that working.” Or, he says to the guy in the business suit, “Get that working.”
Casey:
Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
OK. All right. Now I’d just like to make it clear, feeding backwards the information we have later in the episode, what we are meant to believe later in the episode is that an entire room in this compound slides down the shaft to the bottom of the shaft.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That is the mechanical action that is supposed to be occurring.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So somehow, all this fucking scaffolding in there would have been quote, unquote, “OK” if it was working? What is it, like a tiny, little room and they dug a gigantic fucking shaft? What the fuck?
Casey:
When you say like in terms of rating the evil plots. . . When one of your plots is, “OK, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to build a hotel, make a shaft under the hotel, take one of the rooms in the hotel, drop it down the shaft, and then put a new room in”? You’re probably, “OK, Henry, you’re out of the club.”
Jeff:
Right. It’s like, yeah, that’s it.
Casey:
You no longer can be. . .you’re a terrible supervillain. Every one of your plans is way too complicated. Like, General, the supervillain plans are always complicated. Yours are over complicating that. To build an underwater resort for the sole purpose of having. . .
Jeff:
Yeah, OK. Well hold on a sec, let’s explain this just more clearly to people so they understand what’s happening. So when the UEO meeting takes place, it’s going to take place in this room. OK?
Casey:
Yes, yes.
Jeff:
And the genius plan here is that they’re going to take that room and they’re going to like get rid of that room basically and replace it with another empty room. . .
Casey:
Identical room.
Jeff:
. . .so that they can kidnap the people. All right. You may be asking yourself: “Isn’t this something they could just accomplish with a hidden door where they open the door, come in with some soldiers, take the people out of the room and close the door?”
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yes, that is one way that you could accomplish this. But apparently the supervillain planning session that Jeff is eluding to went something like: “All right, check it out, here’s what we’re going to do. They’re going to come in this room, they’re going to sit down, and we’re going to kidnap them all by just pushing the room to the side, and then putting a putting a new room in its place.” Or actually no, they didn’t do that. They were just like, “We just push the room aside, and then we’ll have them. We’ll just take the whole room and we’ll have them.” Like OK, wait a minute. Then they’re going to come in and there’s going to be a hole there. How do we explain that? Like, OK, wait, that’s fine.
Casey:
Uh, it’s OK.
Jeff:
We’ll just put a new room. . .
Casey:
. . .A new room there.
Jeff:
It’s like, even if we could put a new room there, let’s say that we could, where is the other room going? There’s other rooms inside, there’s another meeting room there. It’s like, not that’s fine, we just put it on the bottom floor and we just drop it straight out the fucking floor, motherfucker. It goes down there. . .
Casey:
And then, we pull another one down from the top.
Jeff:
Why isn’t there another room up there? We don’t know
Casey:
No, there’s just a little hole in there. It’s like, you know “Floor 13”, the building?
Jeff:
No one cares, it doesn’t matter.
Casey:
That’s where the extra rooms are,
Jeff:
It’s for the help, really. It’s the laundry room.
Casey:
In any case, this is an incredibly complicated thing.
Jeff:
Yeah, this is the plan, this is what they’re aiming for.
Casey:
Now here’s the other thing. The secretary is complaining the whole time about the pressure she’s under from the press to reveal what’s to. . .
Jeff:
Well, wait a second. We’re skipping it. Anyway, we’re just at the point at this juncture of him trying to demonstrate it, and it doesn’t work.
Casey:
It does not work.
Jeff:
So the plan sucks, the execution of the plan sucks, so at this point anyone in the audience who’s actually scared of this jackass with this huge phone has something wrong with them. Because basically it’s tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dee here, trying to attack the president.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway. So the SeaQuest people come, they’re going to come, they’re dropping the secretary off, and all of the other people are already there. Now one thing that we do see in the process of transferring the secretary is the fact that the secretary is very impressed by none other than your and my favorite dolphin, Darwin, the talking dolphin.
Casey:
Yes, Darwin the dolphin. And at this point, I was like, this is really a bad one. And that dolphin came on, you’re like, “This looks promising.”
Jeff:
I said, “This bodes well.” As soon as Darwin comes on.
Casey:
When Darwin comes on, you know they’re going to bring their A-game.
Jeff:
Well, well you see Darwin early in an episode, you know he’s going to save the day late in the episode.
Casey:
He’s coming back.
Jeff:
He’s going to save the day. And of course, he did. We won’t give too much away, but let’s just say he plays a crucial role, a crucial role in the solution to the problem.
Casey:
There’s one thing that is recurring a lot in this episode and that is the love of rock music plays a part.
Jeff:
Rock music, yeah.
Casey:
So you have the captain who shows that his real band, the band that is his personal band, was U2.
Jeff:
Yeah, U2.
Casey:
He loves U2. Now mind you, this happens 20 years after U2 is popular, so they’re really reaching for. . .
Jeff:
No, but I think that was them trying to be accurate basically. They were trying to say that when Bridger was little, when he was in high school he was into U2, or college or whatever.
Casey:
Yeah. But he’s still. . . They have an argument with him and the even older guy whose like The Who. . .
Jeff:
Woodstock and blah, blah, blah.
Casey:
He was into The Who.
Jeff:
And then, now we get over to Lucas, the young boy who hangs out with the dolphin all the time, and he mentions that he’s written an algorithm. . .
Casey:
An algorithm.
Jeff:
. . .for generating rock music. And it takes pieces of music and then chooses them musically to choose the next best sounding thing. And he’s like, “So you can have Hendrix playing with the Beatles mixed in with some Spin Doctors.”
Casey:
Well if I may. . .
Jeff:
Spin Doctors!
Casey:
I wrote the exact one down. It is: “Les Paul playing with The Stones and the Spin Doctors.” So it’s pretty impressive. It’s pretty impressive.
Jeff:
I will say. . .
Casey:
It’s like guitar pioneer plus rock and roll performance pioneers, and the Spin Doctors. We don’t know what they’re there for. But they’re there.
Jeff:
No, they’re there. They’re there, they’re hanging out.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
He plays some of this randomly generated music. And all we could really say is I looked over at you, and you replied, “I think the algorithm’s broken.” Because it was just random noise.
Casey:
And like any semi-malfunctioning algorithm in a movie, it doesn’t just crash when it crashes.
Jeff:
Or [indecipherable 15:18]. . .
Casey:
Or [indecipherable 15:18]. No. No, the fucking speaker explodes. And Lucas is very embarrassed.
Jeff:
And Lucas’ computer starts on fire.
Casey:
Oh shit, yeah. There’s no situation in which that’s going to happen. It just doesn’t happen.
Jeff:
Let me just say this. If computers exploded when there was a bug, there’d be no computers. OK? I’d be so out of computers at this stage.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, oh fuck! Boom.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s true.
Jeff:
The other thing is, so you have these older generation, the mid-generation, the young generation.
Casey:
Yes, rock and roll, the unifying theme.
Jeff:
And then you have the older generation, who are just fucking hippies. Right? Like they’re all about Woodstock, they’re all about this. . .
Casey:
Yeah. In fact at one point, the UEO secretary, the lady who they’re transporting, says that she was at Woodstock. And Lucas, the young kid said, “That was the turning point of the Vietnam war, wasn’t it?” And it’s like no, it wasn’t the turning point of the Vietnam war at all. In fact. . .
Jeff:
No, it wasn’t. No, really, Woodstock was about a lot of hippies shitting in a field and fucking in the mud. That’s all it was, OK? It had nothing to do with the Vietnam war.
Casey:
Right, yes. At some point during Woodstock, somebody at Woodstock probably remembered or thought they remembered that there was a Vietnam war. But that was like for 15 seconds. . .
Jeff:
Right. And then they had another tab, and then it was fine.
Casey:
And then they were like. . .
Jeff:
. . .Oh, this is much better.
Casey:
. . .Man, war sucks! I’d better drop some more acid and think about something else. Anyway, so the SeaQuest arrives, and one thing that they do. . .
Jeff:
Oh, she did mention how fast the SeaQuest went.
Casey:
Yeah, 200 miles an hour.
Jeff:
Yeah, she was like, “Oh my God, that means we’re going at least 200 miles an hour!” Now mind you, you can go 600 miles an hour if she got on a commercial airplane of today. Right? So she went three times slower than she had to, under water!
Casey:
Well but to be fair, it’s an underwater resort. I mean one thing that it does not explain at any time through this whole thing is how the fuck you get there. Right? There was no transport, there was never shown. . .there was no elevator. . .
Jeff:
Docking?
Casey:
There was nothing. It was like, well, there’s some people underwater. Anyway, point being, yeah, and everyone’s under the sea and it’s great. Anyway, she decides that the whole Darwin the dolphin thing, who can talk and everything, is amazing. She calls it, and I quote, “The first big breakthrough in interspecies communication.” All you people who did sign language to chimps and stuff like that, nah. . .
Jeff:
It doesn’t matter.
Casey:
Overinflated, OK?
Jeff:
All those people that we talked about on the podcast that had sex with animals, that’s not communication.
Casey:
No, that’s not communication. Not at all.
Jeff:
No, it’s not.
Casey:
Exactly. So all of the actual science that’s been done with interspecies communication, like 1000 years or more of interspecies communication. . . Like, fuck dog trainers, that doesn’t count. Fuck SeaWorld, none of that shit matters. Don’t care about chimps and sign language, none of that’s important. What we care about is the digital dolphin communicator. That’s what she thinks is awesome. So she’s like, “Come to the presentation with me, be part of the meeting. . .”
Jeff:
By the way, the way that the dolphin impressed her was he remarked that he’d been playing football with Lucas underwater.
Casey:
Right. They were playing a football game underwater. She thought, “This is spectacular!” Cut to next scene which is, and I’m not leaving anybody out here, it is a standard business conference sized room. . .
Jeff:
Probably smaller than the conference room here at RAD. It was tiny.
Casey:
If anything, it is no bigger than the conference room at RAD. You know, a company with less than 30 people has a conference room roughly the size that the entire, the people who control the entire ocean, in the future, they meet in this room.
Jeff:
So we’re talking eight people, basically.
Casey:
Exactly, not many people. So there’s all the heads of the various UEO nations and whatever. There’s the secretary, there’s the captain of the SeaQuest, for no reason. . . There’s no explanation for why he would be in the room.
Jeff:
He’s just there.
Casey:
There’s no other captains of vessels or anything in the room. . . .and Lucas, the kid from the dolphin. What? That’s like bring your kid to work day. That’s like showing up to the UN with your nephew, who wrote a good poem about peace, which by the way they probably do at the UN. So that’s a bad example.a
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s true.
Casey:
But what I mean to say is nobody else brought their children with them, but apparently she thought it was fine. That’s what she thinks of the proceedings, and it turns out that she’s part of the evil plot anyways, so maybe it just all makes sense. She’s just laughing. . .she’s thumbing her nose at the proceeding before she takes everyone down, and that’s fine. So anyway what happens is she says, “You know what? I have to talk to you two outside,” to Bridger and the other guy. She goes outside, the two of them go outside, the door closes. And then she says some random shit, like, “Some military is on alert. I didn’t want to say anything about it. Something, something.” And then all of a sudden, the earthquake happens, the big shaking thing. . .
Jeff:
That happened before.
Casey:
The same thing that happened before is happening now. It is happening again.
Jeff:
Union workers are committing suicide all over. . .
Casey:
Left and right. Apparently, 100 percent of the scaffolding, which was running up and down an about 100-meter tunnel, that’s all been removed in four hours time. First of all, in four hours they did all of the necessary fixing work, because it didn’t work before. . .
Jeff:
No, they fixed it.
Casey:
So they troubleshooted that, they finished it, they fixed it, took down all the scaffolding, and had it ready to go. Now. . . And it works this time.
Jeff:
It did.
Casey:
When the doors reopen, everything is gone. Everything is gone in the room.
Jeff:
Vapors, everything.
Casey:
Everything is gone. All right. So here’s the thing. . .
Jeff:
Most convoluted way.
Casey:
Just so we’re clear on this. If you were going to try to get all of those people out of the way with this elaborate plan, why would you say, “I need to talk to you two outside”? Why wouldn’t you say, “I’ve gotta take a piss”, right? Why wouldn’t you go out by yourself and have everyone go down? You wouldn’t take some people out with you. Right? That doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
I also like that they wanted them to disappear, but they didn’t want. . . So the point of stealing them all down the big secret tube, to replace one room with another, he explains right after he gets on another phone, of course he does, and then he starts talking to them and he says, “You need to. . .”
Casey:
You’re talking about the other bad guy.
Jeff:
Yeah, the guy in the red suit.
Casey:
The red suited bad guy.
Jeff:
Dickson, on “Alias”.
Casey:
Oh, you recognized the actor?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
OK, wow.
Jeff:
So he tells them they all have to read the paperwork he’s provided and agree to something to change. . . So this is all to get..
Casey:
There’s an elaborate plot. It doesn’t matter, but it’s there.
Jeff:
. . .take the UN and have them sign something under duress, which would count for some reason.
Casey:
Yeah, nobody has any idea what. . .
Jeff:
No one knows what’s going on.
Casey:
No, it doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
That plan is almost. . . So that’s the plan, that’s the reason this whole episode had all of these shenanigans. As soon as the plan goes a little crazy, like the smallest little thing, they’re like. . .I think they say what happens is they have something where they’re trying to communicate or something. They just go, “All right, let’s kill them anyway.” The entire plan goes out the window almost immediately.
Casey:
Yeah, it did.
Jeff:
It’s like, oh, we’re done.
Casey:
Oh, just kill them anyway. So there is no obvious, at least to the audience, way that they could do anything other than kill all these people. Because they’ve been kidnapped. If you ever let them go, they’re going to explain that to somebody. There’s no reason why they would not explain that to somebody immediately after getting off of this undersea resort.
Jeff:
And this is where they start saying that the secretary’s in on it. I think there’s a great line where she goes. . .one of them says, “You need to buy more time.” And she says, “There’s no time left to buy.” And I’m like, really? That’s what you wrote?
Casey:
I didn’t hear that!
Jeff:
You wrote that line, “No time left to buy.”
Casey:
Well it sounded better on paper.
Jeff:
Yeah, it did.
Casey:
Like no, no it didn’t. So anyway, basically what has happened here is that they have constructed an undersea resort. They constructed the entire undersea resort with this hidden trap room, because that’s the best plan they could come up with. They built two of these rooms. It slides down. . .
Jeff:
But how could you tell that the rooms were different, Casey? That’s the question.
Casey:
That’s a good point. So now we’re left with the situation where Bridger goes back into room and he’s like, “All the people are missing. What the fuck, this is crazy! The door closed, it opened again, we went in and there’s no people.”
Jeff:
They don’t send a forensic team in, they don’t send in CSI motherfuckers to figure out what happened. No.
Casey:
So here’s the thing, this is the best part of it all. So you know there is an apparently closed room with one set of doors. The doors close, there are people in it; they open, there’s no people in it. Science tells us that therefore there was some way to get out of there, that there is somewhere other than the door to the room, there was an exit, of some kind. You know this. It doesn’t matter whether the whole room moved and was replaced with another room, or you opened a trap door and you fucking crawled out of it, all you need to know is just look at the areas around the room. Drill out the bottom, the sides, whatever. That’s all you need to know. Because it’s obvious, right?
Jeff:
Something happened. . .
Casey:
But they go back in there and they have no idea. They have no idea! They’re like, “What could’ve happened?”
Jeff:
They call SeaQuest and they say, “We need to search an area of 50 miles.”
Casey:
The whole area. . . That’s right, they do!
Jeff:
You’re like, really? Captain? They disappeared from a room and you want to search the nearest 50 miles? What does Bridger do when he loses his keys, right? He just calls Albuquerque, just starts randomly calling people across the United States. “Have you seen my keys? No? Thank you for your time.” Randomly dials another number, “Have you seen my keys? Nope? Thank you for your time.”
Casey:
He calls his mom who lives like in fucking Canada or something. Like, “Hey Mom, have you seen my keys?” “You haven’t been here in like six months.” He’s like, “All right. Well a just simple no would have sufficed.”
Jeff:
Now this is when his plan is put into. . . He says, “Deploy Darwin!” Right?
Casey:
First thing is, “We need to search everywhere,” and then we’re going to send the dolphin.
Jeff:
The room is missing in dry land! His thought is to send in the dolphin. It’s like, wow. No, it’s awesome.
Casey:
So he tells Darwin, he radios SeaQuest. He says, “Tell Darwin to listen to the mountain. Tell him that exactly.”
Jeff:
I don’t even. . .
Casey:
Exactly. He says, “Tell him that exactly.”
Jeff:
Is that an old thing from another episode? Because he took pains to say. . .
Casey:
Who gives a shit! Nobody who writes the script to this ever read the script for any of the previous episodes. They have no idea what’s going on.
Jeff:
Why did he say, “Tell him that exactly,” as if Bridger speaks dolphin?
Casey:
Yeah, he does. The mythos there is like, oh, Bridger can tell the dolphin. . . The dolphin will understand.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
It’s like, “We’re like this, him and me.” It’s just stupid. It’s just retarded. Anyway. So off goes Darwin. . .
Jeff:
Probably because they both have sex with that little boy.
Casey:
Maybe. Yeah, like they have a little trist going with Darwin, Lucas and the dolphin. It’s like, “I love him, the blow hole is fantastic.” Anyway. Darwin the dolphin goes off and he just is swimming off. That’s the last we see of him for a bit. He goes swimming off. And Bridger stumbles upon a clue. Because remember, they literally have no idea what could possibly have happened.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They can’t put anything together, they’re stumped. It’s a stumper. So Bridger goes in there and he’s looking around and he realizes that. . .so he looks at the underside of this podium, and he notices that there’s no gum stuck under the podium, and remembers that when Lucas was in the room, when they were all there before, Lucas had stuck some gum under the podium. All right? A simple childhood act of disobedience saves the day. How often do we see this? It’s a truth, a storytelling truth, and it’s being conveyed to us by the authors of SeaQuest. Anyway. Bridger goes, “It’s a different room.” The thing that struck me about that was you had an entire set of ambassadors and Lucas in this room, they’ve all got their notebooks, they’ve all got water that they’re drinking; it is a room filled with people and objects in particular locations. Door closes, door opens, he walks back in. None of that shit’s there.
Jeff:
Right. Paper, the drinks, everything.
Casey:
It’s all gone! But it’s like all of that was discounted. Because if some people came in and took the people away, of course they would have took all their papers and rearranged the water glasses.
Jeff:
But not the gum.
Casey:
Of course they would, wouldn’t they? But that didn’t make me think, “Different room!” Saw the gum, was like, “Holy shit, we’re dealing with a room swap! This is a fucking room swap, and the gum tipped me off!” That’s what he says. So I have no. . .like in my mind, I can’t imagine who wrote this down and thought that this made any sense to anyone, that you needed the gum there. Right? Like why did you need the gum?
Jeff:
Sherlock Holmes in “The Mystery of the Room Swap”.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense. Yeah, right, Sherlock Holmes is there. He’s scrutinizing every detail, can’t crack it. Comes upon the gum and he’s like, “Ha ha!” It’s like, oh my God! Anyway. So this now triggers Bridger to realize that it is a different room. So somehow, again, at this point, even before, as I pointed out, even before they thought it was a different room, how you didn’t think just drill through the walls and see where they could’ve gone. Even now when he’s like, “It’s a different room,” that thought didn’t occur to them. Right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It did not occur to them to just drill through the bottom of the room, the top of the room and see where it could’ve come from. It should be pretty obvious.
Jeff:
It wasn’t enough. . . Yeah, so they have this billion dollar submarine that can like do all this imaging. . .in fact, there’s a subplot where they show some facial animations, computer software, where they take all their faces and plug them on other people and they pretend they’re on. . .
Casey:
They make a fake video of people. . . We’ll get there, we’ll get to that. It’s great.
Jeff:
Oh God! And so even then with all that tech, “Yeah, we don’t know what’s going on.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. It’s like they can’t figure it out.
Jeff:
“. . .eh, bananas down there!” So they don’t know what to do.
Casey:
Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense. Not to mention the fact that. . .it’s kind of like of those things in Games Magazine. “We filled one in for you,” would be what I would say here. You know that it ain’t in the direction of the hallway you came from. One down, five to go, asshole! Like, look at the other five cardinal directions out of this room.
Jeff:
Yeah. Go east, go north. . . Yeah, and you’ve got it.
Casey:
Like, what the hell’s wrong with you? You would’ve been like, “Rock to the north, rock to the south, rock to the west, rock to the east. Up, nothing. Hole, where a room like this one could’ve been a few minutes ago. And then down, hey, there it is.”
Jeff:
There they are.
Casey:
Anyway. Doesn’t matter. He can’t piece this together. It’s tough. Meanwhile, the pressure is mounting. The pressure is mounting, Jeff, because in the real world, out there in the real world there is panic spreading. Because with the UEO leaders missing for 30 minutes, you know, that could destabilize everything. The whole sovereignty of the oceans could be questioned at any time, at any time.
Jeff:
They can’t buy any more time.
Casey:
They can’t buy any more time.
Jeff:
There’s no more time to buy.
Casey:
OK. This is when we find out, because the secretary, who the SeaQuest originally transported, she is explaining this to Bridger like, “I’ve got to tell them something. I’ve got to go out there and tell the press something.” Mind you, the people are supposed to be meeting right now, so it’s unclear why the press would expect you to tell anything, at all. But that’s OK.
Jeff:
They’re just still in the room.
Casey:
They’re just still in the room as far we know.
Casey:
We just assume they’re running the fucking ocean.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. . . .What they’re supposed to do.
Casey:
They’re doing something, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Anyway. She says, “I’ve got to tell them something.” And this leads Bridger, somehow, this minute piece of information leads Bridger to suspect she might be a bad guy. The man who couldn’t figure out that it was a different room before, until he saw a piece of gum.
Casey:
Well granted it was because she delivered her lines so weird. The choices of how she decided to say everything in this show was terrible.
Jeff:
But to be fair, if you question someone every time they delivered a line weirdly on SeaQuest, everyone’s under suspicion. Everyone is under suspicion if poor line reading is on the table.
Casey:
It starts with Darwin.
Jeff:
Yeah, in Congress. So what happens at this point is Bridger starts to suspect her and is like, “We’ve got to watch her. I think she’s up to no good. She’s up to something, I think she’s in on it.”
Casey:
“Your friend from Woodstock,” I think he refers to.
Jeff:
Is that what he says?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
OK. So anyway, now that Bridger actually suspects her, we can get things going. He starts calling in the calvary. He’s like, “All right, we need some security in here. You need to start doing some testing to find out what the hell’s going on. Figure out where this secret room is,” and blah, blah, blah. So Darwin now. . .
Casey:
We need to figure out where the missing room is. . .
Jeff:
Darwin at this point. . .
Casey:
There’s nowhere it could be!
Jeff:
Oh, and also one thing that we should mention at this point is that they also asked, nay, demanded the blueprints for the hotel, or whatever they are.
Casey:
Which got turned down.
Jeff:
No. They tried to and Bridger said, “We’re going to investigate your personally if you don’t turn them over.”
Casey:
Oh, right. And Donald Trump doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want the IRS up his ass.
Jeff:
A, never mentioned again. So we have no idea where this request for blueprints went.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
It probably went into the same Freedom of Information Act, where everything goes. . .
Casey:
Yeah, you’ve got to wait for. . .
Jeff:
It was like they got back a big black piece of paper that said “Redacted”. They’re like,
Casey:
Yeah. “Oh fuck, we’ve got to wait for WikiLeaks to put this out.”
Jeff:
“There’s a bunch of agents hiding. We might jeopardize them if we told you what the room looked like. It’s rough.” Anyway, point being, they never get back the blueprints. And it’s just as well, because even though later they kind of try to make an explanation of this, where Bridger goes, “I bet that wouldn’t have been in the blueprints,” the fact that you had to hide another room above this room means that there’d be a giant that-room-sized hole in the blueprints above that room. Not to mention the fact that you wouldn’t need the blueprints. You’d just walk some people around and find that there was a big empty space there that didn’t have any doors or windows or anything.
Casey:
Well it’s probably like the Winchester Mystery House. Everyone’s getting confused, they’re going up blind corners. I don’t understand.
Jeff:
“Oh no, I can’t make a compass. It doesn’t matter.” Anyway, so Darwin saves the day, as he always does, by coming back to the SeaQuest.
Casey:
The amazing thing about this one is usually he talks about oceanographic science.
Jeff:
Right, something scientific. There was no science in this episode.
Casey:
There’s something vaguely about geography. He’s like, “Well previously the bounds of a country extend 200 feet out into the ocean. . .”
Jeff:
60 or something.
Casey:
“. . .because that’s how far a cannonball can go. But now it’s 200.” And they hold his face for like a second too long because he stops. And then they’re like, “Was that it? That’s all the science you’ve got?” And then he’s like, “Cut,” and gets his $500. It probably goes down every episode. Oh, that one just hurt.
Jeff:
Yeah, it was really bad. Well I feel bad for him because it’s basically like, they’re just giving him less and less to work with.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
They’re like, “Hey Bob, can you lend some credibility to this.” And he’s like, “No, I really fucking can’t. There’s nothing in here. There’s nothing in here. What do you want me to them, that dolphins can talk? They can’t talk, we know they can’t talk, they haven’t ever talked. They’re not going to talk.”
Casey:
How about I give a lesson on screenwriting in those five minutes? Like, first off. . .a point to all this. Holy shit, that was bad.
Jeff:
It’s just dry. It’s just really, really dry.
Casey:
It is crazy. I mean you see a lot of bad TV, if you randomly turn on the television. I think I turned it on this morning and there was a dog that had superpowers, and he could think. And then the actor had to make. . .
Jeff:
How is that different from a fucking dolphin that saves a $1 billion submarine? Same shit.
Casey:
It was still 10 times better written than this. It’s just remarkable how bad it fails at basic screenwriting stuff, stuff that you’d never write yourself.
Jeff:
No, it’s terrible. It’s abjectly terrible. It’s absolutely terrible. It’s B-team all the way. Which is why we cover it on the show for you, so that you don’t have to watch it yourself.
Casey:
Yep, you get all this.
Jeff:
You can get it by diffusion from “The Jeff and Casey Show”.
Casey:
Right, osmosis. It seeps from your ears, into your brain.
Jeff:
No, it’s not osmosis. Although in this case it is osmosis because it’s SeaQuest, so it is a water based transference.
Casey:
. . .kind of thing. OK, so, well we want to say happy Thanksgiving to everybody.
Jeff:
We do want to say happy Thanksgiving because we hope that you have a happy Thanksgiving.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Now there’s one problem with that. . .
Casey:
Tofurkey is going to be awesome. . .
Jeff:
. . .which is Thanksgiving is not really an international holiday.
Casey:
It isn’t.
Jeff:
Because other countries did not have native Americans to exploit when they landed in their home countries. They had to exploit someone else. OK, so they had a different holiday based. . .
Casey:
They had to go somewhere else.
Jeff:
They had some other holiday about taking land and food from people.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So I guess what we would say is happy November to everyone throughout the world.
Casey:
OK, happy November.
Jeff:
And if you happen to be in one of the places that’s celebrates Thanksgiving, eat a turkey for me, and some tofu for Jeff.
Casey:
Yes. And then, we’ll probably be back in December sometime, somewhere around Christmas we’ll do a little short one again.
Jeff:
Will we?
Casey:
Yeah, we’ll do another little one.
Jeff:
A little Christmas cash never hurt anybody.
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Casey:
Because at this point the kid down in the basement now, in the room that’s now in the basement of the hotel, has made some. . .
Jeff:
Oh that’s a good point, I left this plot out. You should fill them in on what’s happening down there.
Casey:
Right. So he had made this device. . .
Jeff:
Well first of all explain, all of the people are trapped down there.
Casey:
Yeah, they’re all trapped.
Jeff:
All the UO commanders and Lucas are trapped down there, and Lucas is going to try to get them out.
Casey:
Right. Because the rest of them are. . .I think he mentions. He’s like, “All those people do is argue.”
Jeff:
“Old bureaucrats!”
Casey:
“Argh! Rock and Roll!” So he goes and he makes a compass to figure out which way is east, because he wants to send a signal to the SeaQuest. . .
Jeff:
Which is east.
Casey:
Which is east. He going to send it a directional signal, to the east. . .
Jeff:
Apparently. Yes.
Casey:
OK. The room may have rotated in the dropping, who knows?
Jeff:
It doesn’t matter because he has a compass.
Casey:
I’m just saying, he’s like, “I’m going to send it to the east. It’s going to be good.” He builds this thing out of the power supply. The only thing. . . He doesn’t transmit the message like “SOS” or “Help!”, or “We’re trapped down here in the bottom of the thing.” I can’t send any of that! I’m going to send a recording which looks like a fucking cassette player.
Jeff:
Yeah, we don’t know where that came from actually.
Casey:
He presses play on a Walkman.
Jeff:
Well we don’t know why he has it, either, but he has it.
Casey:
Well he just wants to listen to some rock.
Jeff:
He does.
Casey:
This is all pre-iPhone. Well, you know, he probably tried to download it to the iPhone. . .
Jeff:
. . .Pre/post iPhone. . .
Casey:
. . .couldn’t get the iTunes working. His little program is exploding his stereo and shit all the time, Apple is not authorizing that app. So he’s on a Walkman! So he hits play, and he just broadcasts rock music out into the ocean. That’s his plan.
Jeff:
No, to the east.
Casey:
To the east?
Jeff:
He plays it to the east. It would be nice if he could broadcast it to the entire ocean, but he can only broadcast it to the east.
Casey:
Right. So rock music is playing out from the basement of the hotel to the east. He figures that’s enough.
Jeff:
That’s good enough.
Casey:
And you know what? It was. So what do we know? Because I wouldn’t have expected. . .maybe in his head he’s like, “I sent out rock music, Darwin will hear it. Darwin will swim back to the ship, tell the other doctor, ‘Lucas, music!’”
Jeff:
Here’s what I can remember. . .
Casey:
All they can probably say is, “He’s to the west.”
Jeff:
Here’s what I can remember detail-wise. Because this part of the show. . .I mean, insomuch as the rest of the show didn’t make any sense, this part was really pretty spectacular, because I have no idea. Lucas makes a compass out of a paper clip and a piece of paper, and he floats it in a glass so he can figure out which way is east, because quote, unquote, “The SeaQuest was to the east.” Like it couldn’t have moved in that time, or anything like that. It’s just floating out there. So it’s in the east. So he’s like, “I’m going to send a signal there. I need a source of power, but the only source of power we have is the vid-link. Can I go ahead and use that?” And the UO people are like, “Yeah sure, go right the fuck ahead.” Because they have no idea what’s going on, they’re just sitting around. And everyone’s calm, by the way. Like, it’s fine. So he’s like, OK. He goes over there and he dismantles the video unit, and he plugs his tape recorder into it, and he presses play. There’s wires everywhere, like he didn’t rewire anything right. He presses play and he’s like, “OK, now we’re sending rock music out to the east.” It’s great. It is not specified, by the way, how he managed to send the signal eastward in this fashion. All we know is video link disconnected, Walkman plugged in. . .
Casey:
Plays to the east.
Jeff:
. . .it plays to the east. So somehow he got it going east at that point.
Casey:
The other thing. When they hit play, you could also hear it.
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
So it wasn’t just that it was being broadcast. So all of the UN executives kind of started like rocking their heads, because hey, everyone’s cool in the future. Everyone likes rock music. They’re like, “Hey, is this the Spin Doctors!”
Jeff:
Exactly. I love Spin Doctors: “Box Full of Kryptonite”. So anyway. At this point what happens is Darwin hears the music, he swims back, he tells the science officer, whatever her name, the head doctor lady, research person, “Lucas. Music.”
Casey:
. . .And then nothing becomes of it.
Jeff:
They’re like, “Huh! Lucas, music. . . I don’t know, they said Lucas, music.” And then Bridger gets the word relayed back to him. And he’s like, “All right, here’s what I need you to do. Scan for sound! I want you to set all of the sonar devices to scan for sound.” Now, pro-tip: that’s actually something sonar does well, believe it or not. Sonar actually scans for sound pretty well, as it turns out, because that’s what sonar is.
Casey:
He probably went and said, “Hey, we’d love to do that Captain. But we’re busy searching the square 50 miles around this, and we can’t turn on the speakers.”
Jeff:
So they start scanning for sound, and they find the rock music signal. They find the rock music signal.
Casey:
Yep, it’s to the west.
Jeff:
. . .Presumably to the west. They’re like, “Let’s pinpoint that location.” And up on their screen, I shit you not. . .
Casey:
Comes the shaft!
Jeff:
Up on their screen comes the same fucking blueprint that the evil dudes have of the place, with the shaft, and the submerged room. I’m like, “Where did you get that diagram from!” Did anyone look at that diagram before you started and see that there’s. . .there’s a shaft at the top where the room is that everyone was in, and now there’s another thing at the bottom of the room. Did you think to look in there at all? At all?
Casey:
I thought it was also awesome that the ground shakes when they move the room. And you’re like, it’s an elevator. Right?
Jeff:
Exactly. Why? We have no idea.
Casey:
Why does the ground shake when you press. . .
Jeff:
Question number two. That shaft is easily 15 times the height of the room. They only need to move it down one room length. That’s it. Maybe two, for safety. Right? Like, let’s keep a buffer zone, keep a little buffer zone. No, no. They dropped that shit like 500 feet down for no fucking reason other than they really like to dig deep.
Casey:
The lower the better. . .
Jeff:
They’re just like, “Let’s just dig it all the way down.” All right, so it’s completely ridiculous. But at this point, it’s a good thing that Darwin found them actually, because the bad guys have decided that, you know what. . .
Casey:
Just kill them. . .
Jeff:
. . .the plan’s not going the way we wanted it to. We need dead bodies. We need to show the UEO people dead, washed up on the shore somewhere. OK?
Casey:
Because the SeaQuest did something where they did these computer animated faces to say, “Look, they’re alive. We bought you some time.” That was like, “Hey no, we’ve got time.” Apparently, they found the time ATM, bought them some more time, and then showed this. And so now the bad guys are like, “Look, they’re fucking up our plan. Here’s the thing. . .”
Jeff:
Well more specifically. . .because this is actually another awesome plot point in this particular show. The SeaQuest is like, you know what we can do? We can map the faces of all the UEO people onto some faux video and we’ll play that over the airwaves so that people will think that all the UEO people are alive.“ Right? This is kind of like the same trick they used in ”Speed“ to make you think there were no people on the bus.
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
Right? It’s Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are alive, are still on the bus.
Casey:
And so they put their faces on other people on SeaQuest, right?
Jeff:
Who knows, it doesn’t matter.
Casey:
“Wait is one of the a dolphin, Bobby?”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
“That’s kind of weird. I didn’t know the Russian ambassador was a dolphin.”
Jeff:
. . .was kind of aquatic. Anyway, that doesn’t matter. The part that’s important is. . .because let’s face it, you could get that video. . .you could have just gone and gotten archival footage of the people. It doesn’t matter. So point being they’re playing that. And now the secretary of the UEO who’s in on the plot, like we said, that Bridger’s suspecting, and rightfully so.
Casey:
Buh-buh!
Jeff:
She’s like. . .
Casey:
Spoiler alert!
Jeff:
Yeah, spoiler alert. They’re showing this video, which is screwing up her plan. Because she wants the panic to spread, she wants people to think that the UEO people are missing so that she can seize power. She wants to seize power.
Casey:
Note she is the secretary. She’s already in power.
Jeff:
. . .in power. Not important here.
Casey:
Not enough power.
Jeff:
Her motivation is at best unclear.
Casey:
Murky.
Jeff:
So let’s just say that it was not very clearly established what she was gaining from this, or what the other dude, who apparently has enough money to build an undersea-fucking-Vegas, wanted from it either. But it doesn’t matter. They wanted it, so they’re doing it. So they’re like, “OK, we need to kill these people.” So they start flooding the compartment. Then she goes up. . .
Casey:
Wait, wait, wait.
Jeff:
Wait, wait, wait. Because this is important.
Casey:
All right.
Jeff:
As soon as they start flooding the compartment, she says, “We need to see dead bodies. We need to see them wash up on shore somewhere.” As soon as they start flooding the compartment, the secret room that they’re in, and everyone down there starts panicking, she goes and gives a press conference and says that they all died on SeaQuest. And you’re like, wait a minute! You didn’t need to kill them at all.
Casey:
For that. . .
Jeff:
You just said that they were, they’re not even dead yet. She starts doing this press release and meanwhile the people who were on the SeaQuest are sitting there, they know she’s lying. She never mentioned this to them. It’s like a fucking red flag! And nobody mentions anything. It’s not even mentioned, not even discussed.
Casey:
Well I think at this point the other awesomeness there is they show this room, and then water just start coming in from these pipes in the ceiling. And you’re like, holy shit!
Jeff:
That’s true, right. So when she says, “We need to kill them”. . .the room that all the UEO people are in, and Lucas, has these sort of spigots on the top of the room, start pouring water in.
Casey:
Right. Now let’s be clear. The amount of water coming out of those spigots is basically like an old man filling a tub. It’s just sprinkling in. You’re looking at the volume of the room, the amount of water, and you’re like, this is going to take forever!
Jeff:
It’s going to be a while, right.
Casey:
This is just going to be a long bath session.
Jeff:
Not to mention the fact that there was no real explanation of what. . .they were giant wells set into the ceiling that seemed to have no purpose, other than spraying water in. So it was unclear how you would’ve explained those to people when they walked in the room the first. It’s like, “Oh, it that a. . .” “Oh, it’s a security camera, thing. It’s fine.” Anyway. Yeah. So they decided that was, time to turn on the advanced sprinkler system. So they turned that on. And the room starts filling up and everyone’s concerned. Now. . .
Casey:
Overly concerned in my opinion, because that is never filling up.
Jeff:
Overly concerned.
Casey:
Although the hot water heater might empty and then it’d be cold, but that’s about it.
Jeff:
That’s a good point. So anyway, back we go to Bridger, who has now gotten word from the SeaQuest that they have found the room. Because like we said before, magically, now they’ve got a schematic that shows the room on it. It’s pretty awesome. So he’s like, “All right, I’m going down there. I’m going to go get them out.”
Casey:
Bring me a climbing. . .
Jeff:
“Get me some climbing gear, and a compass.”
Casey:
Let’s send in, rather than a SWAT team. . .
Jeff:
They’ve got a whole security team there.
Casey:
Yeah. They have all the security people, they’re locking this shit down. Let’s send in the middle-aged man.
Jeff:
He’s not even middle-aged. He’s like elderly. He’s like 55.
Casey:
Send in the old man. . . Which we see pretty quickly, as he starts climbing down this ventilation shaft, which by the way is enormous. . .
Jeff:
It’s huge.
Casey:
He could stretch it out. So he walks down there.
Jeff:
Let’s keep something in mind. . .we need to keep a number of things in mind actually. So one thing that we need to keep in mind is at one point earlier in the episode, Lucas was concerned, down in the room, because he thought they had been cut off from the ventilation system, and he knew this because there was condensation forming in the room.
Casey:
Yeah, what was that about? That right, I totally forgot about that.
Jeff:
OK. So despite the fact that they had been cut off from the ventilation system, which by the way never becomes a problem. . .
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
It’s like a faux pressure thing. We might run out of oxygen! Except we won’t, and we don’t.
Casey:
And they don’t mention it again, so the faux pressure is. . .gone.
Jeff:
Exactly. So apparently, in order to kill them, they need to flood the room with water. They don’t just need to wait for it to run out of oxygen, apparently.
Casey:
No, it’s fine.
Jeff:
Apparently. Either way. It doesn’t matter because. . .
Casey:
It’s a toss up which will happen first.
Jeff:
. . .it turns out, that suspicion that they weren’t connected to the ventilation system? Not true. Because it turns out the ventilation system goes all the way down there and it’s what Bridger uses to climb through to get down to the other room. So Bridger goes into the ventilation shaft, he climbs down there, he gets to a part where it’s rather steep. OK? It’s rather steep. He dives head first down this shaft, and there is at least 45 seconds of footage of him just sliding down.
Casey:
Of sliding. Wooh! This is where normally you’d say, “It wasn’t a good idea to send the old guy.” This is like an old man falling in the tub. Same thing, right? He’s just sliding down, out of control, and they show that he’s completely out of control.
Jeff:
He’s totally lost it. He pops out the bottom of that thing. Now he has not connected anything. There’s no rope following him down.
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
Nothing. So he just slid down a good 100 feet. What did we say? It was like 100, 200 feet down there. I don’t know far it was.
Casey:
He’s just sliding.
Jeff:
If the room is say 10 feet tall, it’s at least 150 feet I’d say, based on the awesome schematics they have.
Casey:
And like 70 feet of that was slippery slide.
Jeff:
Yeah, was slippery slide. He lands on the top of room. He cuts it open with a laser.
Casey:
So there’s this cement ceiling
Jeff:
Very heavy. It’s huge. It’s about a foot thick. He laser cuts it. . .
Casey:
He’s cutting through with a laser in a circle, like cutting a manhole in the ground.
Jeff:
Because you know lasers cut. . .
Casey:
They cut them, these green lasers. Nightmare [indecipherable 48:41] cutting through.
Jeff:
Has there ever been anyone who’s made a laser that cut things? Has that ever actually happened?
Casey:
I don’t know. I think things just explode. They cut body tissue. But I don’t think cement.
Jeff:
That’s true. Not cement. So anyway, he cuts through it with a laser, and this huge cylindrical plug. . .
Casey:
So you can imagine this ceiling of cement, like two feet thick that he’s cutting through the cement. He cuts through it. . . It falls. . .
Jeff:
This is so good. The room that they’re in is halfway filled with water.
Casey:
And he’s like, “Everybody move back!”
Jeff:
Get back. . .
Casey:
“I’m going to cut through.” He cuts through. And they kind of make this “CHH” sound.
Jeff:
And imagine in your head, if you could imagine in your head about a three foot diameter, one foot thick cylindrical plug of cement, falls down, and it floats.
Casey:
Floats!
Jeff:
It’s floats on the water!
Casey:
It’s like made of Styrofoam, and it just like bobs away, gently into the night.
Jeff:
It’s so beautiful.
Casey:
And then he throws a rope down to the ambassadors who apparently are just going to climb up a rope.
Jeff:
All right. Next scene, they’re all topside. There is no explanation of how they got back up the 150 feet of reverse diagonal, sliding, venting vent-work. No explanation whatsoever. Venting so steep that Bridger slid uncontrollably down it the first time, was apparently about a 5 minute upward traverse for a bunch of beauracrats. . .
Casey:
. . .who were soaking wet.
Jeff:
. . .who were soaking wet and freezing, and who presumably were in a low-oxygen environment. All right. At this point in the script, they were like, “I got nothing.”
Casey:
Fuck it, right.
Jeff:
We need to just end this. Let’s pinch the turd as fast as possible. Let’s get it into the toilet, so we can flush and just not have to think about this anymore. I need my coke fix, and this is not doing it for me. Anyway. So the last scene is essentially just the woman who’s giving the press conference, still going on.
Casey:
Presient. . .
Jeff:
Secretary lady.
Casey:
She declares martial law.
Jeff:
Declaring martial law or whatever. And then. . .
Casey:
What does martial law mean in the ocean? Don’t come out of your submarine?
Jeff:
I have no idea. The other thing about martial law is that usually martial law implies that you’re going to have military control of a civilian region. But it’s a military organization, so I don’t even know what that means in this context. I don’t know. There’s a curfew. No civilians out on the ocean after 9 PM. I have no idea. Anyway, they go arrest her. All the UEO people are there.
Casey:
They arrest her in the. . .
Jeff:
. . .in the press conference.
Casey:
It’s bad. There’s awkwardness and like this big pressure situation where she says, “I’m declaring martial law.” And then the other guy goes up and says, “Andrea, you can’t do that.” And then. . .
Jeff:
She’s like, “It’s within my power, Bill,” or something.
Casey:
“It’s within my charter, Bill.” And then she’s like, “Andrea, Bill. . .” I’m just saying. . .
Jeff:
This is the worst press conference.
Casey:
. . .it strips all the tension out of this press conference when they refer to each other by “Bill” and “Andrea”.
Jeff:
It’s like an old married couple having a fight.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
You don’t make coffee the way I want it! Or, whatever. It’s like wait, what?
Casey:
I hate you! You took my youth.
Jeff:
It was terrible.
Casey:
It was pretty bad. And then. . .
Jeff:
That’s it.
Casey:
And then they make Bill the president of the organization.
Jeff:
And I think that was it. I don’t really have any other notes.
Casey:
No, they just hard cut.
Jeff:
That’s it. As with every SeaQuest, they then cut to Bob Woodward of the Oceanographic Institute. . .
Casey:
Who’s drinking heavily. . .
Jeff:
. . .who’s got to clean this shit up.
casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 41
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