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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Thanksgivingcast 2010 - Part I
"I haven't been felt in the Pope area."
Original air date: November 24th, 2010
Topics. The Pope. Phoenix Jones. The Dave Matthews Band. Bruce Wayne. The Golfer. The mortgage crisis. Victor Savage. Male prostitutes. Kia Fate. Corporate rights. The Justice League of America. Superheroes. The PacMed building. Batman’s penis. Supervillains. Tiger Woods. Oregano. Comics. The Nightmare Cane. Matches Malone.
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Transcript
Jeff:
I had this one. Hey everybody! And welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show. What you heard right there, I don’t know if you are going to mark this day on your calendar, it’s a revolutionary day right? It is like the tea-party sweeping America, it’s a revolution.
Jeff:
The tea baggers.
Casey:
Jeff, has put new batteries into the Megatimer, OK?
Jeff:
Yeah, when I put new batteries in the screen was so bright we were like “Holly shit! It has back lighting!”
Casey:
You can actually see the time again.
Jeff:
You know the Megatimer, we talked about this earlier, it’s more of celebrity than we are. Like People come into our office and are like “Is that the Megatimer?” They’re excited they want an autograph or something, pretty soon it will have its own, yeah.
Casey:
Well it’s the one memorable thing from our show.
Jeff:
It just that me fucking up the sound.
Casey:
Because every show there’s a Megatimer and then there’s a load of garbage that we spew and then it’s back to the Megatimer at the end. It’s the bookend that everyone likes.
Jeff:
So it’s been what“
Casey:
A year, well not a year it’s been like 9 months, February was the last one.
Jeff:
9 months was the last show, and we have been very busy.
Casey:
We have been VERY busy.
Jeff:
Right, right. We are getting close on the cartoon, we are now, what? 16 episodes in which is pretty good for us.
Casey:
Its pretty good for us, we work pretty hard on this ‘cause remember we only really get to do it once a week, so it a spare time thing for us. It takes a lot of work to put together a cartoon.
Jeff:
And it also takes us like 27 takes for most things.
Casey:
We gotta do a lot of takes.
Jeff:
But the take counts going down.
Casey:
It’s going down and getting better.
Jeff:
But it is funny and David’s art is fantastic.
Casey:
The art is fantastic.
Jeff:
We had a show in California, we have had a few here, we will probably have a bigger one sometime soon to show people in Seattle.
Casey:
But anyway, point being, in the spring, you can look forward to a lovely cartoon put forth by us that is the excuse for why you have not been getting podcasts up until now.
Jeff:
Have we announced the name of the cartoon?
Casey:
We can announce it right now if you want.
Jeff:
The name of the cartoons going to be “Jeff and Casey Time”.
Casey:
Yup, it’s going to be Jeff and Casey Time.
Jeff:
And it’s not really US on the show. They are other Jeff and Casey’s.
Casey:
Its another Jeff and Casey. They are somewhat similar, they don’t really look much like us but they are similar none the less, and they have our voices. Anyway, jeffandcaseytime.com will be the web address and we will be trying to get that up relatively soon. In the meantime, we have finished the third set of episodes just now, the audio for it. We are handing it off to get the video started, so we thought we would take this opportunity to do another podcast for those of you who are still hanging on to the podcast RSS or for anyone who still checks the feed .
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s still a lot of people on the Facebook page, but on the RSS there’s not much. I think it’s funny because we still get emails from everybody saying “Talk about this. Talk about that” and what’s funny is if you think about all the craziness since our last Valentine’s Day show, we had, as you said, all the tea party insanity sweep the nation.
Casey:
Right, there’s a lot of tea bagging.
Jeff:
Right, we’ve got the TSA put-down maneuvers.
Casey:
Yup, the TSA groping. Groping by the TSA.
Jeff:
We have Obama not even caring about the TSA, he doesn’t get patted down so he’s like “Its fine, the country can get screwed, its fine.”
Casey:
People in Washington, it would be really interesting if at some point, there was someone in Washington that cared that the country was getting screwed. That would be new. That would be a newsflash.
Jeff:
What I find awesome is, you still have people like Ron Paul, who’s a lunatic himself at least, but I feel like he has a brain in his head, so he thinks things through.
Casey:
He seems to be processing some information. That’s the thing about Ron Paul you can get behind is like, it sounds like he went home, and thought about some stuff, and then came back and had, like, an opinion, unlike everyone else in that whole fucking area.
Jeff:
And also, having an opinion that isn’t solely to get him re-elected right? He isn’t weighing the fact of like; if I have this opinion what is it going to do to my Pew numbers and all that.
Casey:
But that’s because that’s not an opinion. Those other things there are not opinions; they are phrases that have been selected carefully. They are not opinions; they don’t sound like they have thought about anything or even know anything right?
Jeff:
That didn’t get us off the bench. We’re fine with that.
Casey:
Business as usual is what I have to say about that
Jeff:
Exactly. We didn’t get up for Mel Gibson, who had a fantastic summer again.
Casey:
I didn’t hear about this till you told me. I was unaware that Mel Gibson had gone on another bender, and you know what? Frankly at this point I would say that Mel Gibson has crossed the, I don’t know what you want to call it, the “fantasy reality-line”. Because you know how like Whitney Huston and Bobby Brown? At some point the entertainment products they were making were less interesting than the entertainment products that they were, if that makes sense. And just filming Mel Gibson for a week, just fuckin whatever he does, whatever the shit he says, that’s probably way better than any movie he’s ever gonna make right? Or any movie that he’s made probably at some level, like Lethal Weapon? Fuck that! That’s small potatoes.
Jeff:
The problem with doing that is one of probably, like, liability. You follow him around.
Casey:
you’re violating some kind of Good Samaritan law probably.
Jeff:
Yeah, you’re just watching him going around yelling at black people, and screaming at Jews, and slapping Russians like, he’s fully on a bender. That didn’t get us off. We didn’t have the thing where the pope said “Hey, you know what? Condoms are OK, but only for male prostitutes alright.” Now that awesome, and people are like “That’s a kinder and gentler pope.” You’re like “No. That’s a pope that’s fucking male prostitutes OK?! That’s what’s going on there. Let’s make that clear.
Casey:
You could simplify that headline down to: “Pope says condoms OK for the people he sleeps with.” That’s all he needed to say. Look, the condom thing is complicated; you know what? Look at this bible alright, there’s a lot of words in here. I don’t understand all this shit. It’s complicated, it doesn’t make fucking sense, I’m trying to relate this to condoms and I can’t do it, so here’s the thing; I don’t want to catch AIDS from my prostitutes alright? I don’t want to catch AIDS from the prostitutes I sleep with so I want them to wear a condom. Can we just all get behind that please? Literally, and just, like, get a condom on the guy.
Jeff:
Well you know he probably has to, like, you know how they have all those symbols that the pope does were they like pull back the curtain, and then they place a candle in the window: means his gonna be out the next morning, that kind of thing? So that’s not that different than like a hanger on the door. Cardinal can’t come in here; he’s busy with the condom wearer right?
Casey:
He had a lot of things to confess.
Jeff:
And in case THAT didn’t get us off the bench.
Casey:
No, that didn’t get us off the bench.
Jeff:
And what did, and I think you put an exact point on this was, this is something that affects us personally versus those things that are arbitrary comedy out in the world.
Casey:
None of us has sex with the pope right? Not at all.
Jeff:
I have not been touched by a pope.
Casey:
He has professionals taking care of that for him is the thing, he doesn’t need us. The TSA has not patted me down yet, I have not been patted. I haven’t been felt in the pope area or anything like that.
Jeff:
Never been slapped by Mel Gibson.
Casey:
Never been slapped by Mel Gibson, never have been called like a “wop” or something, I don’t know if he has racial slurs for Italians, I’m sure he does, I’m sure he’s got them in there somewhere.
Jeff:
Are you kidding me?! If there’s not one, he would make it up right? He’d encounter me, I have nothing and he would be like “Hey peta-po” and I’m like “what? Whats a peta-po?” and he’s like “Oh, it what we call white people now” alright fine. Non Australians.
Casey:
This is the first time that we’ve had a news story, I don’t know if we’d want to say “come back to haunt us” but this is a news story that we kind of covered on the podcast, in the past, where some other city far away from here had the misfortune of going down the rabbit hole, full on banana cakes, queen of hearts, off with his head crazy shit, and we made fun of them. And now we are faced with the fact that it has come home to roost here in Seattle alright? Here in Seattle we now have the problem, and I don’t know if it was Cleveland, I don’t remember where it was, but we did a story if you remember at the opening of season two about a fellow named “Shadowhair” who was fighting crime in his city, and fighting crime is an interpretative term, its open to interpretation, because as far we could tell.
Jeff:
Let’s just say he “encountered crime occasionally.”
Casey:
He was out in a costume, because the only thing that was covered in the article was that at one point he had to go to a doctor because he was in an altercation with a bum. I remember this very clearly like that was the big thing, an altercation with a bum and he got injured, shoulder or something, I don’t remember what it was. So anyway, this past week we look in our local news sources and we find that lo and behold, there are now not one, not two, but several masked supper heroes patrolling Seattle.
Jeff:
Right here at home.
Casey:
Right here at home.
Jeff:
So there are a lot of things that are wrong as a superhero with Seattle as you base of operations.
Casey:
Is that so? Well you’re the expert on this, you read the comic books so I don’t know, what’s wrong with Seattle?
Jeff:
Well, once your cape gets wet, your dragging that thing around and you can’t wear leather because that gets we and its ruined. So you have a whole bunch of problems with weather related stuff, rain is a big problem with Seattle. You know the corners of the building that are slippery right?
Casey:
The overcastness now that I think about it, for flying superheroes, you never see this in superman, but it would just be him flying, and a bunch of grey underneath. Like you wouldn’t see shit. He would be like “I don’t know, there’s probably some crime down there; I don’t know what’s going on.”
Jeff:
OK that’s the thing with crime fighting in the real world right? Even if you didn’t have the overcast problem, which I agree is a huge difficulty, there’s not shit going on, and its completely crazy underneath the cloud cover, they’re going nuts because they’re like “He can’t see anything.” But even if that’s the case, street crime there’s not that much of OK.
Casey:
What do you mean by “street crime” in this case?
Jeff:
The sort of things that Batman would fight right, like he’s gonna break up somebody who’s beating up.
Casey:
Oh like thugs and stuff, OK.
Jeff:
Yeah, you look at the Seattle blotter and they have a hundred things a night and they are mostly dealing with drunks, bums, occasional prostitute who didn’t get paid, that kind of thing.
Casey:
When the popes in town.
Jeff:
When the popes In town, everything’s up for grabs. But in this case not that much happens. Which means if you’re a superhero in the real world, you’re just sitting around, a lot right? Except, the one place that you can always go to, your go-to place if you’re a superhero in the real world, is crazy people. There’s always crazy people on the street. And here’s the thing; crazy people normally don’t cause a problem.
Casey:
I have never heard of a real superhero fighting crazy people.
Jeff:
No not real crazy people. I’m saying the real reason Shadowhair got into it with a crazy person is that a crazy person was available to get into it with shadow hair.
Casey:
You know what the problem is here? We’ve had a horrible corruption of terms. I just realized this because I was about to try and say something and I realized that the fabric of our vocabulary has just torn asunder when trying to discuss this thing because the problem is I cant say the word “Real Superheroes”, now it totally fucked up, like what do I even mean? Do I mean actually superheroes, who by the way are fictitious, or do I mean real life actually superheroes who are not superheroes but are real.
Jeff:
I understand.
Casey:
Blah, OK, The people who are walking around in costume.
Jeff:
The reality superheroes. Just like reality stars.
Casey:
Costumed people versus superheroes, let’s do it that way. So superheroes, you never see them doing stuff like enforcing an open container law. Like I’ve never seen that happen, but is a lot of what policing the streets is involved because for every real robber there’s probably 10 drunk bums carrying open containers around Capitol Hill right. That’s just true, and sometimes police do it in a mean way, but other times they are literally just enforcing the open container law like “You gotta put that away.”
Jeff:
Which is pretty boring.
Casey:
Not very glamorous for a superhero but honestly probably roughly at the limits of what a costumed person could handle either way.
Jeff:
but here’s the thing, even with that, you could go out and hang out in a costume in front of a bar and wait for someone to fuck up an go “Hey buddy, don’t spit your gum, that’s illegal.” Casey; But that’s called a bouncer and they can take care of that, but yes.
Jeff:
But that’s the only thing you can do, so the only thing you can really do in terms of dealing with real crime is try to go find yourself a fucking crazy person right? And that’s what Shadowhair did, because here’s the thing, a crazy person encountering a guy in costume, not that unusual. That happening in his head all the time right?
Casey:
Exactly, he can’t really tell the difference between that and what just happened to him too, which by the way, was entirely imaginary.
Jeff:
Exactly. So here’s the thing, the average person walking down the street, if he sees a crazy lunatic rambling, he’d be like “cross the street, just let him be” But here’s the thing, same thing if you are on the other side of the street, you’re walking down the street and you see a guy in costume, I’m crossing to the other side to.“ I put those in the same bubble, crazy person, costumed human.
Casey:
It’s like crazy people fighting crazy people right? This is the same kind of insensitivity when they people in the suburbs were saying “Just let the gangs in the inner cities fight it out” They are letting these people that they don’t care about kill each other, they don’t want to do anything about it, that’s the attitude that you’re putting forth. You’re like “You know what; we have crazy people wandering the streets of Seattle yelling ‘applesauce’. We have crazy people dressing up like Batman walking around trying to do something about it. It’s all fine” It’s like matter/anti-matter, they’ll cancel each other out, it’s all fine.
Jeff:
Well here’s the thing, I don’t think either group can really damage the other one that bad. You have to think of like, Shadowhair threw his shoulder out. It’s like the kind of thing that you might get when you went out golfing with your buddies like “ugh, that kind of hurt my shoulder, it’s a little stiff” and they’re like “What you do? Did you go golfing?” “No I beat up a homeless person. So yeah, its mostly harmless but I think it’s just a matter of availability like, that’s what they’re gonna get. And in fact, even these Seattle ones, they talk about the fact that, one of the first things that they did is, was it seven of them? How many are there?>
Casey:
There’s a lot. I Guess I could actually look and see if we have a listing here. I think there was a place where there was a listing; I don’t have it up in front of me. It says: “A group of caped crusaders with names like ‘Thorn’, ‘Green Reaper’, ‘Penelope’” that’s a pretty nemesing one right there, “and ‘Phoenix Jones’ have sprung up in Seattle. These masked vigilantes say they are part of the ‘Rain City Superhero Movement’ self-described superheroes who patrol the streets at night and fight crime.” That’s what it says.
Jeff:
It would be awesome if all the superhero names were all Seattle related like “Here comes the Blackberry” or.
Casey:
“The Needle.”
Jeff:
Right or “Here comes the Sneedle” Just “The Sneedle” The guy is in the costume, and constrained, but all he can do is poke people with his head.
Casey:
OK, so we have a lot of information here about these guys actually because they have done some reporting on these guys. So first of all, apparently, we hypothesize that Shadowhair would have the Hairmobile, unfortunately we are not allowed to pontificate, we are not allowed to speculate if you will on what they may be driving here. The Phoenix Jones Mobile is not on the table.
Jeff:
This is the Rain City Movement; they’re driving Prius’ that they painted.
Casey:
No it’s a Kia Fate. OK? It’s a Kia Fate, that’s what they’re driving high quality. That’s gonna be great in a chase.
Jeff:
That’s Korean craftsmanship right there.
Casey:
There’s no problem getting to the Phoenix Jones Cave in that.
Jeff:
Is it painted anyway or is it just a normal call meant to blend in?
Casey:
I’ll give you hint. They ran the plates and apparently it’s registered to one of the superhero’s godmothers. You know what, I spent all my money on this cave, car payments are stiff.
Jeff:
I don’t want to put any judgment on him, probably what he did, is he did that as a misdirection to the super villains in the Rain City. Because if he lists his own address, you can’t drive the Bat mobile without somebody running the plates. He’s getting stickers all the time.
Casey:
Does he have custom on that Bat mobile plates like “BAT4EVA” or something? What does he have on the back of the Bat mobile? Or is it like “462-A93” is that’s what’s on the back of it?
Jeff:
And see people would look it up and then they’d know. But if he registers it “Alfred’s Home” or something like that.
Casey:
Oh its Alfred, Oh, it’s some butler’s car, I don’t know, it’s kind of sporty for a butler but fuck it, I’m not gonna chase that.
Jeff:
So they’re driving around in their mom’s car.
Casey:
Driving around in the Kia Fate.
Jeff:
Do you think the mom puts rules on them like “Listen, no more than five superheroes in the car at the time, or distracted driving”.
Casey:
What I want to know is, when they’re in some kind of hot purist right? And there’s a bunch of “super heroes” in this car, and like they get pulled over for speeding right? “You folks on your way to a Halloween party right” it’s like “Oh, we don’t get that all the time” It’s gotta be a really awkward situation for this officer to walk up to the car and see a bunch of freaks in there and be like, what’s he supposed to do? Do you have registration here?
Jeff:
Well I’m sure Phoenix Jones has the Tom-Tom in his lap and he’s shouting out directions on where to go “Take a left on Mercer, I said Mercer! Oh goddamn it!” And they’re losing their shit, and they’re getting lost on I-5 and it’s like “Well look, were gonna have to take the bridge and turn around, it’s a huge disaster. Who has toll money?” Nobody has toll money.
Casey:
Super toll money. So here is some other information for you, so that basically you can reconstruct the kinds of crime fighting that’s going on here in Seattle, keeping us safe from something. Apparently, Phoenix was interviewed by detectives last month and came to the police headquarters dressed in most of his costume. And you are wondering why and I’m going to answer that question, it is because quote: “Phoenix apologized for not being in full costume as it was being repaired after he was stabbed while trying to intervene with a drug dealer and a citizen” the police bulletin stated. So that to me, sounds like someone was trying to buy drugs from their drug dealer, right? And this dude stepped in the way. One of the two stabbed him right? It doesn’t matter who, usually the person trying to buy the drugs or the person trying to sell the drugs. And now the dude has a ripped Phoenix cape or whatever it is, I don’t know what you want to call it.
Jeff:
But he’s embarrassed to wear it in public.
Casey:
So yeah, he had to apologize. Can you imagine that in a movie? Like some superhero, I don’t know who it is or whatever, some superhero, Batman, is going in there and he’s like “Hey Commissioner Gordon. Really sorry that I don’t have the breast plate on today but I was in an altercation, it’s in the shop alright, so I just wore my pink t-shirt today like I always do, its fine, don’t worry about it.” Jeff:“ I’m with stupid” or a skeleton t-shirt, or maybe one of those t-shirts that has a tuxedo, and that’s all he had that kind of matches with the cape.
Casey:
Well he is Bruce Wayne so maybe he just has his tuxedo on under there I don’t know. Could be anything, depends what he changed into. So yeah, he had to get his costume repaired and that’s unfortunate. So one of the other things that we have here is, sort of like the comments from the police because apparently, they are not 100% behind this actually right?
Jeff:
There’s a lot of quotes used in these comments from the police that are what we refer to as our “sarcastic quotes” years ago. Because definitely they are placing some judgment while they are giving quotes back to the press.
Casey:
I mean I feel like things like this were kind of like the reporter is has a particular opinion about the sort of legitimacy of all this. Here is an example of the crime fighting as reported on the Seattle post-intelligencer.
Jeff:
Our major newspaper
Casey:
“Police responded to a harassment complaint and found Phoenix the Guardian of Seattle dressed in a ‘black colored Batman costume and a black ski mask’ he was standing with four other men and one woman, all in costume with their faces covered by ski masks and bandanas. They were dealing” I guess “dealing with” I don’t know, the Seattle PI doesn’t have the best editing in the world “they were dealing with a man making threatening statements and swinging a golf club. Police took the golf club as evidence and the costume-wearing complainants refused to press charges because they didn’t want to identify themselves to officers, so the suspect walked.” Justice is served OK?
Jeff:
So we have a crazy person swinging a golf club.
Casey:
Probably not bothering anybody would be my guess.
Jeff:
Maybe just practicing on his driving, who knows?
Casey:
This is in the international district by the way. Nobody goes there at 2 am, it’s crazy. I mean I do go there at 2 am, alright? That’s fine. But its crazy people most of the time. Its sketchy, its legitimately sketchy OK? it’s not a nice part of town. And yeah, there’s some crazy people swinging golf clubs OK? There not hurting anybody.
Jeff:
It’s what they do, its their hobby.
Casey:
That’s where they go because they know if they were in Belltown, they’d get arrested for that. Right?
Jeff:
So the group of superheroes drive the Kia down to the ID and they’d disembark, Probably lock it down with some special equipment.
Casey:
And it goes “beep-boop” and that’s it.
Jeff:
And let’s just pretend the Phoenix Alarm system kicks in. And they just start walking around encountering lunatics and finally they’re like “we found some action.”
Casey:
This guy’s got a golf club.
Jeff:
He’s got a golf club, were gonna disarm them.
Casey:
“He could drive the shit out of a golf ball with this!”
Jeff:
OK so the police show up and the police take the golf club away? They didn’t even disarm the lunatic?
Casey:
I feel like there were basically five superheroes in a golf club radius ring around this guy. He’s swinging it around and they’re like “Whoa!” and they’re getting back a little bit. One of ‘em try’s to get closer and he swings the club around then they jump back. They’re not getting anywhere. The police show up, they walk up, take the club away.
Jeff:
It’s like in Diablo when you use the rings of fire that you shoot out, it keeps the bad guys away in a nice prefect little circle.
Casey:
You know, all I thought of when I read this was like, it’s not enough that homeless people have to worry about the cops hassling them right? It used to be if you are homeless, it sucks already, you probably have a drinking problem or a drug problem or something.
Jeff:
Or just crazy.
Casey:
Or just crazy if you are they type of homeless person who’s out wandering the streets at 2 am right? So your life sucks.
Jeff:
It’s terrible.
Casey:
It’s bad enough that the cops inevitably are going to hassle you at some point because you are like, in some park, or some shit that you’re not supposed to be in. Or they are just trying to get you away from some restaurant that called and complained or something right?
Jeff:
Like, just move along.
Casey:
They’re gonna come up with their light, they’re gonna hassle you, they’re gonna take you in the station, whatever the fuck, right? That’s not bad enough right? We had to go one step further and now a bunch of masked freaks are gonna fucking surround you in the middle of the international district in the middle of the night! How is this helping? Who is this helping exactly?
Jeff:
And then eventually the police either encounter this crazy ass scene, or somebody calls it In, or one of the superheroes called in backup. Like “We are gonna need you to mop up here, well we would have beat him up but he had a golf club.”
Casey:
Or they might be like “We don’t want to kill anybody because we’re justice, so we call the cops and we let them take them away, because otherwise, there would have just been a blood bath here. I don’t want that, we don’t want the blood on our hands”
Jeff:
Here’s the thing, Phoenix Jones and the golfer have a long history of encounters right? So really, it’s good that the police intervene because who knows, he might just snap all of a sudden and then take the golfer out. So it good that the police were there.
Casey:
So basically in the fiction that we’ve constructed, what happens is after this encounter Phoenix Jones and the golfer, they call in the cops; the cops take the golfer away to that Amazon building with the Pac Med building up on the hill.
Jeff:
The Arkham Asylum
Casey:
He’s incarcerated there for a while and he gets out, he breaks out, or somebody breaks him out, I don’t know how that all works. There’s probably a network of these super villains with their golf clubs.
Jeff:
Exactly that make deals and shenanigans.
Casey:
It’s crazy, its fucked up. The golfers out on the streets again, he’s plotting something OK, and so then Phoenix Jones has to put him away again, but it won’t last forever. It’s coming back again. Jeff; And his secret lair is called “The Tee Box” or something, and it’s all accoutrements, and he wears, golfers already dress like super villains anyways with that plaid shit and that little hat and you’re like “These guys are already ready to go.”
Casey:
He reports to Tiger Woods right? He’s got 14 hotties on either side and is like “Take out Phoenix Jones!”
Jeff:
I feel good that they’re focused on such important crime. I mean without that that guys probably would have just had a normal night.
Casey:
Well I mean there’s so much information here I would encourage people to read about this themselves because we can only give you a little slice, but I’ll tell you one other thing that we have here, more information that we had. A really nice thing is that a lot of these superheroes who have been taking things more seriously. They are more advanced than Shadowhair because the movement has progressed, it has progressed since our original story Jeff, it’s further along than it was before. And so one of the things they have now is a lot of the Batman like gadgets that they use to fight crime and some of these superheroes have come forward to demonstrate the coolness of their gadgets to reporters. And so I will now read you the description, let’s give you an example; this one is called“The Nightmare Cane.”
Jeff:
Cane like a walking cane? The superhero that needs a cane probably isn’t much of a superhero, like “Oh here he comes.”
Casey:
More of something you would expect from a villain like old and decrepit but a mastermind kind of guy.
Jeff:
Yeah like Nightmare Cane actually sounds like something bad. Can I guess at what this would do? Do you point it at someone and it gives them nightmares and visions and all that like the Scarecrow or something?
Casey:
I’m sure it’s basically that. Either that, or it is “inspired by a cane used by TV vampire Barnabas Collins, it sports an LED light, rare earth neodymium magnets for picking up metallic objects, a retractable claw hand for grabbing other items, and a video camera mount for peeking over obstacles” So just let me put this in perspective, somehow out of LED, Camera, and basically the things you get at the hardware store for pick up nuts and parts from the inside of a car engine, we got from that to Nightmare Cane. So in his mind one or more of these things is somehow a nightmare category.
Jeff:
Wait, we really don’t know in what sense he meant Nightmare Cane. It might be because the canes just a nightmare. He’s like “Goddamn it, I have to use the Nightmare Cane” and you poke it at people. Here’s the other thing, if everything on the Nightmare Cane is something you can buy from infomercials late at night, there’s claws, there’s magnets, there’s a retractable Chia Pet at the end that grows like Obama hair, everything on there sucks. And it doesn’t even have a video camera, it has a mount. Look, I asked my mom for a video camera for Christmas and once I have a video camera then I’ll put it on the mount but until then. And a mount without the camera is gonna be kind of sharp-edged it’s not even going to be confortable to carry. It truly is a Nightmare Cane. I mean it sucks this cane!
Jeff:
First of all, I’m very interested in the superhero battle scene that involves all of these things working in tandem. First of all he’s like “Oh shit, I dropped my (blank)” whatever it is, keys, “I dropped my car keys” right so he’s like “Hold on a second, let me use the Nightmare Cane LED to look for those” and he scans the ground and they flash a little bit so they fell down the drain so he’s like “No problem for the Nightmare Cane.” Drops it down there, engages one of the rare earth neodymium magnets and he’s like “Fuck, they’re non-ferrous, the keys are non-ferrous they’re not coming up. Fuck” So he’s like “You know what? Claw mode” >ch-chankAll I’m saying is the Nightmare Cane sound more like something my grandpa needs. He wants something to find things in the dark. Beep when he loses shit, and then claw things that are out of his reach. This is like the Grandpa Cane not the Nightmare Cane.
Casey:
It’s a cane that sounds a lot like what old people would use which by the way, is what a cane is. Like it’s a cane that now has the kind of attachments that you would find on a cane. But somehow it’s the Nightmare Cane.
Jeff:
Now that is a pretty awesome little device.
Casey:
So that was pretty spectacular, I don’t really know, there’s a lot of other things that they had on here. A lot of them had LEDs, like LEDs are a big thing with them.
Jeff:
That’s the new thing in the superhero community right? There’s things that get hot and cold you know?
Casey:
I don’t think that’s what it is, I think it’s like, in their mind, they haven’t got that stage when you are like a little kid and you have a laser gun, and you shoot it, and it goes “pew-pew” and the little light goes on and you think that you are actually shooting. So that’s where they’re at like “it’s got an LED on it” What’s that gonna do? It’s not gonna do shit.
Jeff:
Well it also only needs one AA battery so you don’t need a lot of power, recharging kind of thing, it’s no problem. Well so the funny thing about all the real life supper heroes, and there may be something important that’s happening here in terms of people feeling powerless and stuff, is that street crime and all that kind of thing is so small potatoes right? The average American is getting screwed so much worse by the average investment banker. Forget super villains, forget any of that. You are getting hosed. You were talking about that article about that stoner dude, what was his name
Casey:
Matt Taibbi? He’s a reporter for “Rolling Stone.”
Jeff:
So give the listeners the paragraph introduction he did when he was talking about.
Casey:
Oh yeah. Matt Taibbi is a reporter for “Rolling Stone” and he’s pretty entertaining actually. If you’ve never read his blog you should probably check out his blog. He’s also, interestingly enough, one of the people that, I think we’ve actually made fun of, the world is flat, on the podcast before, Thomas Friedman, who is an author, I think he’s an editorialist for the “New York Times”, and the man is just a fucking idiot. He’s like Stupid is as stupid does kind of idiot, grade A, no neurons firing, writes these really shitty books like “The World is Flat” and Matt Taibbi reviews them often times in “Rolling Stone” and just has a field day with them.
Jeff:
Annihilates them.
Casey:
It’s great; it’s a lot of fun. And Juan is actually a person, podcast listener, who sends all kind of stuff in the past, as actually the person who sent us Matt Taibbi in the first place. Anyway, it all comes full circle when Matt Taibbi is giving a lecture recently.
Jeff:
Now it’s important to say that he’s very smart, but he’s also full stoner.
Casey:
Yeah, he’s like a good reporter and conscientious reporter but he is totally like, UC Boulder, full on going to the blue grass concert, Dave Mathews Band, whatever needs to happen there right? Like that’s his thing and that’s fine. So anyway he’s been reporting on the mortgage crisis, well the whole financial situation really, he’s been working on that, and I want to say that he actually put out a book recently I think, I don’t know because I haven’t seen this book, but I feel like he actually has actually did a bunch of reporting on it I think he may have something. If he does have something to hock then go buy it, it’s probably good. But he was giving a lecture on the whole financial meltdown situation and he said like “OK, I finally figured out a relatively straight forward way to explain this that pretty much encapsulates everything all the details. Do any of you in the audience smoke marijuana?” and some people raised their hands and he’s like “Alright, well at least you guys because there’s probably more.”
Jeff:
I imagine that he’s talking in the standard stoner voice or.
Casey:
He sounds more like “OK have any of you guys in the audience ever smoked marijuana” they are like… “OK at least you guys? Alright, well imagine like if the investment banks were basically taking a baggie and filling it up with oregano and then selling it to complete idiots as really good weed OK? And that’s basically what you had” So he goes onto like describe the actually mortgage crises basically as that, but that was his capsule summary, and it’s a relatively accurate capsule summary in some sense. But why did you want me to recount that on the podcast? I’m curious now.
Jeff:
The reason that that’s interesting to me is like, the average American is going to feel that crime personally and throughout their family way more than they are likely to be accosted by a random lunatic on the street carrying a golf club right? So the whole concept of real life superheroes are kind of ridiculous because even if there was a Batman, even if Bill Gates was secretly in great shape and could buy all the shit, and get a full rig going, and fight crime and whatever, the real crime is like in the boardrooms or in the back of investment banks. So he’d have to go super undercover to discount it all and to uncover the dirty truth right? So he’d have to go all Matches Malone. So Bruce Wayne is famous, Batman is famous, so neither one of them can infiltrate shit. Batman, if he wore normal clothes and then the cowl, he’s not blending in. Bruce Wayne shows up, it would be like Bill Gates showing up and he’d be like “Hi guys, no I’m just sitting here hanging around the bank.” He’s not gonna blend in. So he had a third personality and that was Matches Malone. He wears these plastic Mission Impossible kind of masks.
Casey:
What the fuck is wrong with comic books? Like goddamn it, OK.
Jeff:
So he’s going to like, ya know, probably go to Yale somewhere, get in deep, get in with the quants or whatever, rise up through the ranks, get into Goldman Sachs, figure out all the dirt and then one day just like “Surprise motherfucker!” Pulls off the mask, puts the cowl on, and then he’s fucking Batman! You would be like shitting your pants, I’m just trying to do some spreadsheet analysis of these shitty tranches of my really crummy mortgages and you don’t want to fight Batman. It’s not gonna be a fair fight at all, he’s gonna beat the shit out of you. Batman is gonna beat up everyone in Goldman Sachs, hang em out a window. It doesn’t work right? You can’t put the fantasy of fighting crime in this way into the real world because real crime is not glamorous like that right? Even the president of Goldman Sachs doesn’t look anything like the Joker right?
Casey:
The problem that to some degree actual evil in the terms that you tend to encounter in comic books like mastermind plots to destroy the world and all that shit, I mean that sort of thing does in some sense really exist, but its systemic. It’s not an individual that comes up with a plot to take down civilization. It’s a system where everyone follows the system and it just spirals down into complete disaster right? And you do have ways of fighting that, that’s what revolutions are right? That’s like 1776 or something. Or your like “This is bullshit” and this entire situation needs to be changed and needs to be completely wiped clean right? But nobody sort of accepts that notion. That’s not the way we choose to portray the popular situation. We like to portray specific things as being bad. We don’t like.
Jeff:
Like the mafia is bad, but if you took the mafia out there’s going to be other organized crime that would immediately fill that void so it’s more of a systemic problem that you’re not going to be able to beat simply by beating up a bunch of low rent bagmen is not going to make the problem go away.
Casey:
Or more specifically you have systemic problems with the way the government or the way your corporate structure is, the way your HR is and all that stuff. You have systemic problems that reflect the way your society is operating and you have people buying into that and the evil is what comes out of that process. If that is an unbalanced process, you are in big fucking trouble.
Jeff:
So what we need is superhero legislators. Like Ron Paul comes in wearing full outfit and is like yeah, and all his superpowers are oratory in nature, he can super fucking debate you. You don’t want to get into a debating thing with him.
Casey:
I think it’s even more past that to some degree. Because if actually wanted to try to solve these problems for real, you are going to have to deal with the corporate charter rights expansion problem right? Like number one problem today if you had to put your finger on the number one problem today is the consistent judicial slide of constitutional protection for corporation right. I think there is absolutely no question about that. So there’s nothing Ron Paul can actually do short of introducing a constitutional amendment, which anyone could start that movement right? Because that’s a popular plus legislative movement. If the senate got together tomorrow and tried to pass something, they can’t really because there not a lot of things you can do, you can’t legislate over the constitution. You couldn’t tell corporations they can’t spend money on campaign financing because they are protected by the constitution. So fucking game over boys, sorry about that.
Jeff:
So what’s awesome is, the corporation actually is in this way in this crazy example we pulled out, the super villain because its immortal it’s like, what’s his name, Victor Savage, the guy who lives forever and causes shit for all the superheroes over the entire timeline.
Casey:
I don’t know who that is, but sure.
Jeff:
Now I’m scared that that’s not his name.
Casey:
But I wouldn’t know either way so whatever you said is fine. Listeners out there may object if they know comic books they would be like “you’re full of shit”
Jeff:
The Corporation, alright, that’s awesome.
Casey:
Well the corporation is one of those things too that’s like, again, to illustrate the point further, a lot of times people point to A corporation like, The Banks, or Goldman Sachs, like, AIG, there’s A corporation, Nike that is the problem, but it’s not the problem. They are just examples of what you allow to have happened. In the old days, you didn’t have that problem because corporate charters were revocable by the government, it was the other way around, now its reversed right?
Jeff:
And also as corporations act as these legal liability black holes, you can’t put a corporation in jail, there is nothing you can do. You can take the profits or whatever, but you can’t lock them up.
Casey:
It’s like the T-2, you can dissemble it to a bunch of pieces he just fucking reforms again.
Jeff:
Exactly we melted that shit, we froze it.
Casey:
There’s more of them rolling off the assembly line right now, like fuck John Conner is toast, that’s the problem.
Jeff:
But here’s the thing. Batman in the comics is good at everything right? He’s the world’s best detective, he’s the world’s best disguise man, he’s the world’s best fighter, he’s the world’s best strategical thinker. He does shit with the JLA where you have Superman, and Flash, and Green Lantern, fucking Wonder Woman, all these super powers. Batman has shit. He needs a ride when he goes out. They have a place in space that they all hang out and he has to wait for someone to come get him.
Casey:
It’s like “I’m waiting here people!”
Jeff:
“Superman is always fucking late, and he’s always dealing with some shit, its goddamn gonna be Lois again, she fucks everything up.” So he’s good at everything so maybe Batman.
Casey:
Constitutional amendment Batman?
Jeff:
I don’t know some crazy superpower where he can even fight those guys because he can do anything else.
Casey:
But you don’t need Batman, you just need non-retarded America. Non retarded America passes a constitutional amendment that says “Corporations do not have constitutional rights” Done.
Jeff:
You have to have that, you have to have some way that the things a corporation do has liability flow through to the people that run it, all that kind of stuff as well. But yes, Batman would figure it out, because he can do anything. In the comics, I can’t think of anything he hasn’t been able to do. He once was in a trance with all the other JLAs.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Yeah, they put him in a trance.
Casey:
Who put him in a trance?
Jeff:
What was his name, Chronomaster, no; I’ll remember the name in a minute. So they were all in this dream state and they were dreaming shit, and they didn’t know they were in the dream state so that’s how he immobilized them.
Casey:
What the hell are you talking about?
Jeff:
And so Batman realized while he was in the dream state, while he was running his heart rate stayed too low, because he can tell his own heart rate and he’s like “I’m obviously sleeping because my heart rate is to low” and he figured it out.
Casey:
Why do you read this complete crap Jeff? Why do you waste your life reading this crap.
Jeff:
I don’t know!
Casey:
That sounds so stupid, that’s beyond stupid.
Jeff:
And his girlfriend is like the daughter of this guy who lives forever.
Casey:
What do you mean his girlfriend? I thought Batman had 8000 different girlfriends depending on which thing you’re read.
Jeff:
No, no, like that’s the only girl who’s really for him, all the rest are like fake things. ‘Cause here’s the thing, because he’s supposed to be like him and Talia have this great epic love because Batman of course is going to be greatest lover too right? He’s Batman! In the comics they make him the best.
Casey:
What do you think the name of Batman’s penis is? Batboy?
Jeff:
Oh I don’t know. Robin probably. So that’s kind of the thing.
Casey:
Batman and Little Batman?
Jeff:
He probably doesn’t sleep with any of the starlets he’s with because he’s got scars all over him ‘casue he can’t take his shirt off.
Casey:
It’s Mike Babcock.
Jeff:
So it’s probably true that.
Casey:
The Bat-shlong
Jeff:
He has to keep that on full lock down, so HES hiring male prostitutes himself
Casey:
You think so?
Jeff:
He has to because he can’t have a normal relationship with any, he’s got scars all over him he’d be exposed, like Bruce Wayne has got to be Batman, it looks like he’s been through the meat grinder. So gotta probably hire people off the street to have sex with him.
Casey:
Why doesn’t he just consort with blind women? Oh they can feel the scars probably.
Jeff:
The touch, of Batman. So I’m just saying like he’s gonna be totally fucked up anyway just in general, he’s so screwed up.
Casey:
Can’t he just have some other excuses like “rosebushes are prickling me all the time”
Jeff:
“Why don’t you come over and sit by me. Just climb aboard it will be fine. So here’s what I’m looking for in terms of this arrangement were having here. So while were going at it.”
Casey:
“Why don’t you just give me whatever the pope did? Give me the pope service”
Jeff:
“Give me the pope, can you uh, just punch me in the face?” and the guy is like “No I can take a punch, no it’s fine why don’t you punch me in the face” They are going at it and he’s like “This isn’t doing it for me, can you talk to me in a gravelly voice? Can you say like ‘Bruce you’ve been a bad boy’ yeah that’s what I’m looking for.” So you’ve gotta know that Bruce Wayne is totally screwed up so I think him having this fake love affair with Talia has got to be like, she’s the daughter of Ra’s al Ghul, the guy who lives forever in these lava pits.
Casey:
How much of your brain is dedicated to remembering this complete trash?
Jeff:
He’s doing a long scam on Talia to get to Ra’s al Ghul. That’s the thing. That’s what I’m explaining to you. Batman sees way far down, he’s like running the marathon while everybody else is running the sprints.
Casey:
I would feel better if you were into the jersey shore or something. This is so bad, it’s beyond bad, it’s just terrible.
Jeff:
Its kina bad in this awesome way that I like.
Casey:
Alright. Have we concluded?
Jeff:
How did we get on this? Oh the real life superheroes, so anyway I feel safer.
Casey:
What time is it on the Mega-
Jeff:
Were doing alright
Casey:
Where we at?
Jeff:
Were at 49 minutes.
Casey:
Oh god, OK
Jeff:
But we wanted to do one more thing, here’s what we’re going to do, were gonna go watch a “SeaQuest,” because really when we think about Thanksgiving it’s about a time of being thankful for things in our life.
Casey:
Like SeaQuest
Jeff:
Mostly SeaQuest for us.
Casey:
It’s the thing I’m most thankful for.
Jeff:
Mostly SeaQuest for us is the thing we’re most thankful for. So were gonna go watch a SeaQuest, were gonna come back and report in as we do for the people that like that. So we’ll be back in like an hour.
Casey:
It’s like when I think of all my favorite Steven Spielberg productions, I don’t think “Amistad.” Everyone went there like “Amistad it’s awesome” but I was like No. Fuck Amistad, SeaQuest DSV“ that’s the one, that’s what he did for us.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 40
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