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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Valentine Surprise
Original air date: February 15th, 2010
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Transcript
Casey:
Hahahahaha. . . Oh, boy.
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
Poor Megatimer, that’s going to need some battery changing soon.
Casey:
I know. Yeah. I, well you know, the Megatimer has never had its battery changed in two years of podcasting. . .?
Jeff:
Right. So imagine like, a-a newborn baby with two year old diapers cake, caked into it. . .
Casey:
You know what? I don’t want to imagine that, if I could not imagine that. Yeah.
Jeff:
Unimagine it.
Casey:
It’s interesting that you bring up babies, Jeff, though, because this is our Valentine’s Day special.
Jeff:
Yes. Oh right, right. Yes.
Casey:
And of course, you know, so it’s a cupid-oriented event, which is kind, he kind of looks like a baby. He’s got the little diapers there, you know what I mean. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, I guess so, yeah. What is he? Is, is he a god, is he. . . or is he like an imp. . .
Casey:
Well, yeah. I mean m-, myth-, mythologically speaking, yes. He is the daugh, I’m sorry, the son of. . . uuuhhhh. . . some. . .
Jeff:
Athena or somebody?
Casey:
Something like this. . . and, uh, don’t, don’t you remember like, uh. . . it was it’s him, there’s a myth of Cupid and Psyche. And like, Cupid wu- and Psyche want to be together but the, uh, Cupid’s mother or something doesn’t want them to be. Do you remember any of this? No?
Jeff:
So, this is like Romeo and Juliet for the gods.
Casey:
Yes, exactly like that. Exactly like that. . . Nothing like that.
Jeff:
Oh damn. Okay.
Casey:
Yes. In that way that everyone always says that anytime two people can’t be together, it’s just like Romeo and Juliet.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly. We’ve established that, on the Jeff and Casey Show, for our listeners, are used to this. . .
Casey:
We- so, Jeff has been kept in suspense — I will say this.
Jeff:
Yes, I don’t know what this is about.
Casey:
You, you don’t know what this is about.
Jeff:
I’m I’m I’m, uh, in the same position our listeners are.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
I don’t know what we’re going to be talking about today.
Casey:
You do not know what we’re going to talk about today.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And, I’m sure that this is a bad idea, for me to-
Jeff:
But you said. . .but you said, I said “Now are you going to like, blindside me with something horrible?” And you said, “No this is mostly going to be on me.”
Casey:
Yes. I am going to take the full brunt of this.
Jeff:
Okay. The full brunt.
Casey:
This is, if and I mean, I think, you know, previously on the podcast, we’ve definitely talked about some things which I would never dream of saying publicly, which is interesting, on the podcasts. You and I have both have done this right?
Jeff:
Yes. I’m mostly okay with the things I’ve said because I say bad things everywhere.
Casey:
Well the, well but, well but it’s not just the bad things, it’s the personal things.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like if people just wanna, if people listen to it and are like, “Wow, that guy is really going off like a lunatic.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That’s one thing. But then there’s like. . .we talked about really personal things on here that you normally wouldn’t tell.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true but I, I like personal things and I like telling the story over and over again. . .
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because it gets better that way, and I love stories.
Casey:
Yes, yes, yes you do. Well this is a story for you.
Jeff:
Okay. Fantastic.
Casey:
That what I was. . . it’s a story, and it’s basically like. . .I’m just trying to keep my nerve up for this entire podcast. So that. . .
Jeff:
So you may not hear this. Like if it, it goes, it goes south?
Casey:
That’s right. If I. . .I’m going to try, because at the end of the day, it’s like, it’s the truth. That’s the thing, it’s like. . . you know, sometimes on the podcasts we hyperbolize or we exaggerate.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
And when we tell these personal stories, we don’t really.
Jeff:
No, yes that’s true. The personal things are usually, yeah the shit that happens.
Casey:
So I feel like I’ll tell the truth and you know, if if if I, if I end up. . .if that makes me look bad or something, what can I do? Right? It’s the truth.
Jeff:
Now, I had a sign this morning so maybe this is bad. I mean the whole bird sign thing. . . maybe means. . .
Casey:
That’s true. You killed a bird this morning, unintentionally, yes. A giant raptor or something, right?
Jeff:
I accidentally killed some kind of hawk in my car. It flew down and smashed my windshield.
Casey:
Yeah, alright. While you were doing a good deed. You were picking up somebody from the airport.
Jeff:
Yeah! And, and a bird. . .
Casey:
And a bird lost its life. What, how is that. . . How does that work out?
Jeff:
I prefer to think it was stunned.
Casey:
Yeah. Alright. So here’s the deal.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The story begins a little bit before the story. So there’s a back story to the story. . .
Jeff:
Alright. Okay.
Casey:
Because it’s the reason why the story happened in the first place. The story that you will be interested in for the podcast.
Jeff:
Haha. So I have to put up with the pre-story to get the real. . .
Casey:
The pre-story is, the pre-story is very brief.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The pre-story is. . . at some point in the past, a while ago.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I met a girl who I was absolutely, totally crazy about.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, just. . . I mean. . . sort of. . . in one of those ways where you’re, like, you had never had this experience before.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So you are just like, you’re totally unprepared for it. You have no idea about it at all. It’s just like a totally life changing experience. You’re just like, “Alright beforehand I thought of relationships, and dating, and women, and whatever this way.” And afterwards it was like, “Well that was a completely different. . . like, I was totally wrong about all that. And like, it’s a who- a totally different world.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. So, the only really important part of that that bears on this podcast is she wasn’t interested in me. Otherwise, obviously. . . right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because that would have been. . . I mean, you know, we’d be married or whatever. So, that happened.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And of course, you know, my birthday was in November.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So, fast forwarding to my birthday this past year. So my birthday two tho-
Jeff:
Right. So fast forward. . .
Casey:
Fast forward all the way to my birthday 2009.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I had thought about this a bunch, right? And then m-, you know, I’m getting older; I’m 33 now, right? And there’s some amount of mental space, I think, that’s occupied in your head by whether or not you are going to end up getting married to someone, or whether you’re going to settle down, or what your life is gonna to be like, you know, romantically or whatever.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay, and I think that everybody probably has that. You know, you, you’re thinking about it.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I mean, if, if only just the fact that, you know, when you’re walking down the street or something, do you stop and talk to a girl that you thought was attractive or something.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
If you had already made up your mind that you just aren’t interested in any of that, you might not, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, unless you’re just looking for a one night stand or something. Whatever, I mean I don’t know, but. . . Or if you’re someone who’s like; I really want to get married, I want to have a family, I want to just. . .“ Maybe you’re spending a lot of time on this, right? You’re mentally, you’re thinking about, should I join, like, an activity group that. . .where I’ll meet people? I mean, whatever, right, you know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Right. Seem completely crazy to me, right?
Casey:
Well, I’m talking about normal people.
Jeff:
Alright. Yes.
Casey:
Maybe not you and I.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Normal people.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I mean, I think that’s true. So I was thinking to myself, just like, “Well I’m kind of getting older. And to be honest, I really just don’t like having that uncertainty in my head.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I was like, “I don’t really feel like I should be spending time thinking about this.”
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Because honestly, like as far as I was concerned, it was like, that girl I met was like the only person I’d ever met who was like that.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I just statistically didn’t see like, I was like, it, it doesn’t seem. . .
Jeff:
The chances are low.
Casey:
Well, not even the chances are low; it’s that I don’t even have an existence proof that. . .
Jeff:
There’s more.
Casey:
That there’s. . . a, that there’s, there’s two. There’s only one. That’s all I’ve got to go on.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I was like, “Well I think what I’m going to do, is I’m going to call it. I’m going to call the game. I’m going to call the game early.” Right? I’m like, “I don’t want to think about this anymore. Right? I’m just going to say we’re done.”
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
This presented me with a little bit of an opportunity on my 33rd birthday.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright? Because I’m like, “Well, if I’m just going to call this game now. . .”
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
“I could for example, sacrifice myself for the good of the podcast since now, I don’t ha -”
Jeff:
Okay. Do something crazy.
Casey:
“It doesn’t matter. Like, its just, it’s it’s all over.”
Jeff:
Okay. For the listeners.
Casey:
And, and for you, actually. I was thinking of you. I was like, “Jeff loves stories. I can do this for him.”
Jeff:
Okay. I like where this is going.
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know if you can predict it yet, you should be able to at this point .
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m gettin-, I’m-, I-, I have a model in my head of where this may be going.
Casey:
So I’m like, well, we talked about online dating.
Jeff:
Right. You tried —
Casey:
I’m going to do it and I’m going to take notes.
Jeff:
Oh my God.
Casey:
I’m like, I’m going to take notes and I’m going to report everything for the podcast. . .
Jeff:
You’re going to stick your dick in the Internet, and then. . . for science.
Casey:
Oh man. No. I wasn’t going to do that. It was. . .
Jeff:
Okay, you’re just going to like. . .
Casey:
Like, like. . . Well, you know me. Like there’s n-, sex is not. . .yeah, that’s, that’s just not going to happen, like. Forget that.
Jeff:
Right. You’re just going to see what’s, what’s up.
Casey:
I’m just talking about. . . I will, I will see what happens when you do online dating. I will report back. Because you and I were both dissing on it.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
We had never done it. And I’m like, I’m going to get the data, and I’m going to report back to the podcast.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Okay. And so my thing was. . . so I made some rules. Because I was like. . . I mean. . .
Jeff:
I like this.
Casey:
I can’t just go sandbag it, right? I like, need to figure out. . .
Jeff:
Did you do this on the computer or on your notepad, paper. . .?
Casey:
Uh, it’s on the computer..
Jeff:
Okay, alright. You made a little spreadsheet.
Casey:
Uh, nono I just like, had a text file, that I would just type stuff in so I wouldn’t forget. Just, you know —
Jeff:
Sure, of course.
Casey:
I mean, I didn’t keep, I didn’t like keep 100%, like, transcripts. I just like, it was like, so I won’t forget.
Jeff:
Alright, sure.
Casey:
So, I’m like, here’s the rules. . .
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s from my birthday to Valentine’s Day.
Jeff:
Okay, that’s wh- that’s the, that’s the sample period.
Casey:
It’s from my birthday to Valentines’ Day. So it’s three months.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright. For those three months, I have to — in earnest — try to get dates online dating.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I can’t be like, fucking around. Like, its gotta be, like, I’m serious, okay?
Jeff:
Okay, oh my God.
Casey:
I will reply to anyone who sends me a message.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I will send a message to anyone who, for some reason, I might think was attractive in their profile.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But like, like, obviously I’m going into this expecting it to not work, at all.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So, I’m just saying, if there’s, if, if I can come up with a reason why I might want to email this person, then I’ll, I’ll give it a shot. Right?
Jeff:
Sure, okay. Alright.
Casey:
That’s, an honest try, okay?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And I will never turn down a request to get together.
Jeff:
Holy shit. That’s a scary-ass rule.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Wow. Casey. Because, that, like I said, the- the thing, the only thing that made this possible. . . ‘cause I really could not have done this. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The only thing that made this possible was the fact that I literally made the decision, I was like, “it’s over.” In my head.
Jeff:
Yeah. I could see that.
Casey:
It’s like, it’s like, “This is over” in my head. It really is. And you know I would love to be wrong about that but it’s like, that’s a decision.
Jeff:
I see. Well, and also that you’re doing this as a scientist. Changes it a little bit and then you’re like. . .
Casey:
It helps, it helps. It gets me over the, it gets me over both the like, uh, the built in sort of bias against, “I think it’s crap,” right?
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
And it also helps me because I. . . like. . . it- its like, “don’t worry about your expectation that there isn’t anyone for you to find on there.” That’s not important, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, you’re not doing it for that, right?
Jeff:
You’re doing it for the humor.
Casey:
You’re, you’re accepting the fact up front that it’s notgonwork. And then it’s like. . . and plus. . . If I don’t feel like it was. . .
Jeff:
How did you not tell me this for the last three months? You must have been freaking out.
Casey:
It was really fucking hard. So hard, Jeff. It was so hard.
Jeff:
Okay. Awesome.
Casey:
That’s why I said let’s, let’s record the podcast now instead of literally on Valentines’ Day just ‘cause like, let’s just get this out.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. So anyway, that’s the thing. And the other thing I was going to say is, so. . . and it’s not. . . I, I, I was trying to figure out a way to do it not disingenuously because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I mean, there are people, presumably, women who put their profiles on the site. I mean, they are actually trying to find a real date, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I was like, it’s not like if I met someone wonderful, but I wouldn’t. . .right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Be really happy about that. . .
Jeff:
But you just don’t expect. Ah, you’re just, you’re just going in. . .
Casey:
I’m just like, “This is not going to happen.”
Jeff:
Right, you’re going in for the humor.
Casey:
Yeah, but still. Well not for the humor, just, and also just. . . it’s, I mean, it’s a new thing for me to try too. Like it’s, I don’t know, it’d be interesting. Whatever. But yeah, I wanted it for the podcast.
Jeff:
Okay. Awesome.
Casey:
So anyway.
Jeff:
This is the best experiment ever.
Casey:
Isn’t it though? So step one was finding a site. ‘Cause I don’t know anything about this.
Jeff:
Sure, right.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Okay. Did you seek advice?
Casey:
And so. . . I did not, because I wanted this to be a secret.
Jeff:
Right. It had to be secret.
Casey:
I didn’t want anyone to know.
Jeff:
Right. Because it would’ve. . . right.
Casey:
I didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted it to be today. I wanted it to be a surprise.
Jeff:
Actually this shit is starting to make sense to me in my head.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Right. We, we were talking about some. . ..
Casey:
Exactly I know. Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So anyway, I wanted it to be a surprise.
Jeff:
Okay. Strings are coming together.
Casey:
So, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I knew it would get back to you, and then it wouldn’t be a surprise for the podcast.
Jeff:
Right. Yes. This is awesome.
Casey:
And that’s the whole reason. . . like. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
As much as anything else, that was the thing that I wanted to not. . . because I was like, “I don’t really think this is going to be effective. I don’t think I’m really going to find anyone I want to date on here.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So in order to really give me the motivation, I had to believe that there was some guaranteed payoff, which was having a great story to tell you.
Jeff:
Yes. Okay. Right.
Casey:
Okay. So the first thing was like, finding a site. So I just like, fucking searched on the web like, I Google for like online dating sites and I just go through them.
Jeff:
Holy Shit. You just went to Goo-. You tried that. Okay.
Casey:
Just went through them.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And there were ones, like. . . so, fling.com, datehookup.com, and adultfriendfinder.com are, like, examples of, like, a class of sites where I could not, like, the front page was enough that I will never, ever try to enter this site.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They were just, like, forget it, okay. Because obviously you need to be like. . .
Jeff:
Gonorrhea.com
Casey:
You need to be a sex fiend in order to be interested in this site.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I mean, that’s the only thing I can think of.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Not trying to say that there’s anything wrong with that. . .
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
It’s just, that was clear.
Jeff:
Yep, that was —
Casey:
Who they’re marketing to. And so, like, that’s not going to happen.
Jeff:
And that’s not going to happen.
Casey:
Right, yeah. It’s like, that’s not going to happen at all.
Jeff:
You know I’m not. . . I’m going to take the bullet for science, but, but I’m not going to take. . .
Casey:
Yeah, I can’t do that. Yeah, I can’t do that. It’s not in my nature.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
It’s just not in my nature. I don’t even, like I said, I- I’m not actually kidding when I say that there’s nothing wrong with that. If there’s people like to have indiscriminate sex, hey man, it’s just an activity that you do, for you, right? It’s like a sport or something.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Go for it.
Jeff:
Maybe. Yes.
Casey:
And it’s just like, my brain didn’t ever have that disconnect so I can’t. . . I can’t do it. . .
Jeff:
Right. You’re not a sociopath. Basically.
Casey:
AHAHAHAHAHA! No. I don’t think they’re sociopaths, I just. . . whatever they do, they do. I don’t know, doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I ended up like, kind of narrowing it down to four sites that seemed. . . or. . . sorry, five sites, I guess, that looked like ones that were at least nominally not just sex oriented, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
They were like, honestly trying to find people dates.
Jeff:
Right. So they’re not like the ones like, Have-an-affair-today.com.
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And where the front page, was like, you know, some stock photo of, two ha-. . . of a happy couple. Not like, some, like, guy with his shirt off and, like, or whatever the fuck, right.
Jeff:
Right, okay, sure, right.
Casey:
I mean, you know. So anyway, I. . . uh. . . there was eHarmony. . .
Jeff:
This is awesome. Okay.
Casey:
Match.com. . .
Jeff:
Okay, sure. The two biggies.
Casey:
Singlesnet.com. . .
Jeff:
Haven’t heard of that one, okay.
Casey:
OKcupid.com. . .
Jeff:
Right. That’s the one that’s for geeks. Right?
Casey:
Yes. And uh. . . Well I don’t know what you want to call it. . .
Jeff:
Well that’s what I heard.
Casey:
Uh, and uh, . . . there’s one more, what was. . . oh, and uh, and Plentyoffish.com.
Jeff:
Goddammit.
Casey:
Okay. So I. . .
Jeff:
Is that for Jesus? Like. . .
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Oh, sorry.
Casey:
So, first step was to make an account on all of these and pick one. Because I was like, I’m not going to do them all. Right? ‘Cause it’s, that’s, like, I couldn’t even manage that many, right. Facebook overwhelms me enough, right? In terms of shit I got to check during the day. I know you don’t have a problem with this, right?
Jeff:
This is so awesome.
Casey:
But I’m like. . . Yeah, it gets a lot better than this, but yeah, anyway.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I’m gonna, I’m going to do that. I create an account on all four. . . five, sorry, of these sites. And pretty quickly, like, I narrow it down.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I’ll go through, now, some of the ridiculous stuff that was on some of these other sites. eHarmony.com. . .
Jeff:
So, now they’re asking. . . this is the questions that they asked you? Or just. . . You’re just saying after you have an account. . .
Casey:
Well, yeah, on- yeah, I like, after, I- I went through the process of doing whatever they needed you to do to create the profile.
Jeff:
Right. So they’ve psychologically mapped you. . .
Casey:
Uh, yes.
Jeff:
And you’re in some database now, of course. Right?
Casey:
Right. And their algorithm goes back and go like, “What the fuck are we supposed to do with this guy?”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s like, “I don’t know.” You’re off in this —
Jeff:
No. They’re building something. . . No. They’ve built some little kitschy thing for you and next year for Christmas you’re going to buy it. And be like, “Jeff’s going to love this.” And it’s like a little dancing snow globe. Alright, continue.
Casey:
Anyway. So, eHarmony.com. . .
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Is absolutely astounding to me.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I do not understand. . .
Jeff:
Are these like crazy web 2.0 apps with like. . .
Casey:
Uh. some of them are some of them aren’t. Some of them are pretty basic. Like, straight html-ish looking things, and others ones are, are fancy, yeah.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Eharmony.com is like. . . imagine if you hired a project manager to run your dating. This is this site. You think I’m joking, but that’s not true.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
First of all, you. . .
Jeff:
Are there graphs?
Casey:
Sorry?
Jeff:
Are there graphs of, like, your progress and, like. . .?
Casey:
No, no, no. A prog. . . Like, this, it’s, it’s like a sched-, somebody does the scheduling, right, like?
Jeff:
Oh. I see.
Casey:
It basically. . . it comes up, right? And the first thing that, i- about it is, you don’t, like, view other people and they don’t view you. It’s not, like, I go looking and I picked someone.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Right.
Casey:
Or someone looks at my profile and they pick me. Instead what it is, is it picks for you. It’s just like, “don’t worry, I got the. . .”
Jeff:
Their algorithm or people? Or like are they mechanical turkeying, and like do you think that these people match. . .?
Casey:
I don’t know, I, I, I’m, meh uh yeah, I don’t know, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’d have no idea.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Something happens, presumably automatically.
Jeff:
A miracle happens.
Casey:
Yes. Something automatic happens, they pick someone.
Jeff:
Rand 87. Sure.
Casey:
And then you both show up in, like, your, like, schedule. It’s, like, here are the people you need to, like, sort of date right now. . .
Jeff:
Wow. Okay.
Casey:
Are these few people, right. Or something like that.
Jeff:
So you just give open s-dates, uh uh open periods on your schedule and poof-
Casey:
No, no, no. Uh, so I’m just, like, so they come up on here. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And what happens is, you click on one of them or something like this. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And again, it’s been hazy; it’s been three months since I’ve set this up.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you click on one of them and there’s basically. . . now there is a pre-set set of steps that you do to determine whether you want to go on a date.
Jeff:
. . .Okay.
Casey:
There’s like. . . first you, you send them a message or something. . .
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Or maybe it picked them to send you a message.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Then. . .
Jeff:
Is that called. . .do they have a name for that, like, is that poking them or is it just mail . . .?
Casey:
I don’t, y- no. It’s just like, s- like. . . there’s like six steps or something.
Jeff:
Okay. The six steps of love.
Casey:
Right? Then it’s like, we, you exchange a picture, right? It’s like, there’s. . . it’s literally like, “Here are the steps.” And if you get down to the final step, then that’s, like, go on a date or whatever, right? So it so. . . it’s like. . . it’s so project managed. I was like, “I don’t like anything about this.”
Jeff:
Okay. You don’t want to be scheduled. Right.
Casey:
I am not, I’m like, come on now. Like, it’s me. I can’t, I don’t even get up at the same time every morning. You’re telling me I’ve gotta go through some uh the. . . and plus, there’s no way to, for me to like, actually. . . I- I mean I want to have some way of. . . of semaphoring, like, what kind of person I am because that would weed out, like, a whole lot of people.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Right, I mean, you know what I mean, like. . .
Jeff:
Right, alright.
Casey:
And same thing for them. Like. . . I, I don’t know. It, it’s just bad. IuhI have no idea what the deal is with this site.
Jeff:
Alright. So you looked at the steps, were. . . were terrified with these steps.
Casey:
I’m, like, we’re done with the steps. We’re done here. So eHarmony account closed.
Jeff:
Right, okay. eProjectManagement. . .
Casey:
Right. Match.com was awesome right out of the bat, and by awesome I mean. . .
Jeff:
Not awesome?
Casey:
Not awesome at all. They started out by having this site which truncates your password when you set it.
Jeff:
Oh, I hate that shit.
Casey:
But they don’t tell you, so then you’re like. . . I can’t login.
Jeff:
I had that happen to me today.
Casey:
It’s so awesome. So I’m like, they’re awesome right out of the gate. Basically them, uh, Singles.net, uh s-, I’m sorry, Singlesnet.com and Plentyoffish. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They. . . All three of them, besides various suckinesses like this, all lost to, big surprise, OKCupid.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because they are all so ugly and weird and counter-intuitive, that I was like. . . It’s almost like even if the most attractive — in whatever definition you want — like their picture, or their profile, or what they said, or whatever was on there. . . It’s like the website framed them in such a way as to make me not want to click.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s just ugly.
Jeff:
So it’s like. . . it’s, it’s, like, a picture frame.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
With, like, decorative dicks or something. . .
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
With weird zoom-in’s where you like, “What is that?”
Casey:
Yes, it’s like offensively bad.
Jeff:
Hairy, and. . .
Casey:
Yeah, you’re like, “Oh God, stop it.”
Jeff:
Right. I don’t want that. No.
Casey:
I don’t want to see this, like, this is bad.
Jeff:
Okay, so you closed all those.
Casey:
So eventually. . .
Jeff:
You’re not leaving any of these open.
Casey:
Whereas. Okay, so. . . whereas OKCupid. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like you said, the site for geeks, or whatever, or nerds, or whatever you want to say. Right? Which, you know, I, maybe that means that the people that built this think like me.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
OKCupid I would not have found, except for the fact that somebody sent it to us on the podcast dailies.
Jeff:
Right. The next day Sean talked about it, everyone and. . . Brian, everybody says. . .
Casey:
To, to me, to me this is a sign, this is a sign. This is the one that people would want me to talk about on the podcast anyway. . .
Jeff:
Because they mentioned it.
Casey:
I like it better; it’s just nicer, let’s go with this.
Jeff:
Right. Now you haven’t found a date at this point, you found a site.
Casey:
Right. Step One.
Jeff:
You’ve, basically what you’ve done. . . what you need is a MatchMatch.com, right? You need a site where you put in the things you want and it chooses the site for you to go to find the person.
Casey:
Yes, exactly, yes. You like answer all these questions and we’ll match you with your perfect dating site. Or maybe now we’ll give you three dating sites and you guys can see whether you like each other.
Jeff:
What it’s like, right? Like, first off, do you have IE6? OK, you can’t run any of this shit, like that’s not going to show at all. Alright. This is awesome. Okay, so you’ve narrowed it down, you have a suitor of a website, basically.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So, I go on there. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And basically their system is, you’ve got a profile section. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which just has like, six slots in it with titles, like: “A Little Bit About Me”, or like, you know, “What I’m Doing With My Life Right Now”, “Who I Would Like To Message Me”. . . Like, very generic titles and then just a big fucking text box.
Jeff:
Oh, so you write, like, little essays.
Casey:
Anything you want. You can write, like, two words, like, or. . .
Jeff:
Well, if you remember in the “Good / No Good” episode, too, we’ve, we’d decided that essays were better. They could more appropriately, you know, fill it in. Okay.
Casey:
There you go, exactly. And so, uh, I’m, I’m looking at this. . . and so the other thing you have to do is, you. . . there’s, like, these quizzes which you can take. There’s tons of ‘em, that people make and whatever, and if you want you can compare your results to other people’s. There’s math questions. . . so then you do all that stuff —
Jeff:
Now, I’ve heard that shit is all other people doing it, so it’s not the quite, that, it’s not quite as, as dialed in as the rest of the site, is, is what I’ve heard.
Casey:
I don’t know, um, really that much about that, I’ll talk about that in a second. . .
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
What I observed there, but yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So what will happen is. . .
Jeff:
This is so awesome.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. So, basically, you fill in a little section that’s, like, stats, that’s just what your height is, what your build is, what your ethnicity is, just, like, really simple stuff.
Jeff:
Okay. Sure.
Casey:
If you want to, or you can leave it blank. But, I just put all my shit in there. I was like. . .
Jeff:
You’re out there. Right.
Casey:
Okay. I’m white; I’m 6’1“; like, I’m relatively fit; like, whatever. Like, shit like that, you know?
Jeff:
And you put, did you put personal information that they could track you down in the real world, they’ll go Facebook you or to, like, contact stuff —
Casey:
Uh, no, I did not put anything in there, again. . .
Jeff:
To identify you.
Casey:
Not actually because I was afraid of being identified, but actually because I did not want to ruin the surprise.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Because I figured you never know, like, somebody could somehow track it back to me or whatever; although afterwards, I realized you had to upload pictures — it didn’t actually matter. But I filled this in before that, because you could tell it was me, I mean it’s got a picture in there or whateverthefuck. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Who is Enrique Gonzalez? Looks exactly like Casey.
Casey:
Exactly. Um, so anyway, so a couple of things; you have to fill out these match questions, which are sort of this canonical set of questions, again, like you said, that are, that are submitted by people and then you answer, uh, the question with multiple choice.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? So it’s like. . .
Jeff:
Strongly agree. . .?
Casey:
Well, it’s like good / no good, actually, is what it is. . .
Jeff:
Okay. Awesome.
Casey:
It’s like, you know: “Toaster ovens, good no good?” Or something like that, right? You click good or you click no good. Sometime there’s up to four or five answers that you can pick from. Sometimes there’s only two, like true or false. Um, you know. . .
Jeff:
Okay. This is awesome.
Casey:
And some of ‘em are, like, you know, race things, like “Do you think gay people should be able to be married?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Like, like ethical or moral questions that, people could. . .
Jeff:
That can wipe out 50% of the population.
Casey:
Right, exactly, right. Or “Would you date an Atheist?” is one of them. Right? And other ones of them are much more. . .
Jeff:
And which you, you click yes, and then like. . . (wooo).
Casey:
Yeah. Other ones are more like, uh, just kind of abstract like, uh, “If, when you are, when you die, if someone who real, knew you very well looked through your possessions, would they be surprised at what they found?”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? Like, things like that, that are very ambiguous.
Jeff:
It wouldn’t be a surprising answer to that one.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No, they’d be pretty much spot on.
Casey:
I think they’d be pretty unsurprised.
Jeff:
Okay. Yeah.
Casey:
Um, and so, and then were. . . yet other ones that were designed more, like, for, s- I guess. . . some criteria, that, like, is actually more close to my heart, which is like. . . They were things. . . “Which is bigger, the Earth or the sun?” Right?
Jeff:
Oh just to see if you’re not an idiot?
Casey:
Right. And so like, that. . .
Jeff:
An elephant.
Casey:
Right. Yeaheeslike, you can call. . . like, that’s just it, right. . . I mean, if, if you’re going to put Earth for that’d “The Earth is bigger than the sun”, like, we’re done, right? Like, we don’t need to go on a date.
Jeff:
Right, right. But some of our friends, might think that’s attractive.
Casey:
That, right, not mentioning anyone in particular, but Jeff does have someone in mind & I know who he's talking about, would be like, "You know what, the Earth is kind of a cute answer."
Jeff:
Yes. Right. Right. It’s a cute thing. Take her home to meet mom.
Casey:
Whatever. Right? It’s good. Science, you know, Darwin, whatever: maybe you believe in him, maybe you don’t; it’s all that crazy stuff. . . Anyway, uh, so, you fill out those questions, so I fill out a bunch of them, I don’t know how many you’re supposed to fill out, like, there’s, you can keefillinthemou all day, and some people on that site have filled out like three thousand. Right?
Jeff:
Holy Shit.
Casey:
They just like, it’s like what they do instead of Facebook, they just answer theseques, they like it, right? They just like answering the quiz questions. I mean it’s not doing you any good at that point, you’re at way past regimisraisins, so I answer maybe like a hundred or two hundred or something, like I just, I just blow through a bunch.
Jeff:
That’s still a lot of questions.
Casey:
Because you have to, in order to get the thing working. At that point —
Jeff:
So it’s a big, it’s a big multidimensional matrix, they just do a cosine of numbers?
Casey:
I have no idea. Uh, presumably. So then what happens is mmhmm. . . Cosine of the two vectors & then...
Casey:
Presumably. Presumably there’s some kind of least squares, or something in there, it’s I don’t know, mabye, yeah. cosine vector, who knows — I don’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah, I mean, just the natural language thing of like —
Casey:
I don’t know. I have no idea. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The other thing that you put for every question, is you put is how much you care what the other person would answer & what you want them to answer.
Jeff:
Sure, okay.
Casey:
So you’d say something like, “I want her to, you know, say that gay marriage is okay & I strongly want that to be true," or "I just sort of want it to be true." Or irrelevant, like "I don't care what she says, she sayinasayshewan, it doesn't matter to me what she says." Or he in the, in the reverse case.
Jeff:
Okay. So that allows, like, the real fundamentalist Christian who’s into Atheists that, you know, don’t believe in gay marriage, like, they can still get that fetish in there & represented somehow.
Casey:
AHAHA, yes! Yeah, it’s fully c-, yes, it’s fully configurable. That’s right. Right, yeah, it’s, it’s fairly expressive. Right. And so what happens is, they then use this to compute three match percentages, presumably using a m- technique like we just talked about. Which is a, uh, match percentage, which is kind of like, should you date this person, I think, or whe- whether you would, like, be romantically interested in them.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
A friend percentage, which is presumably like, how much would you get along with this person, not, maybe not necessarily be interested in them, & an enemy percentage.
Jeff:
Awesome! I love the enemy percentage!
Casey:
Yeah, And the nice thing is you can search by any of those!
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
So you can find your worst enemy on OKCupid, if you want to. . .
Jeff:
Wow! And then go on a date & just have the worst date ever.
Casey:
If you want to. Maybe you’re into that. I don’t know.
Jeff:
And they’d have to agree to it, obviously.
Casey:
Certainly.
Jeff:
So right, if you’d shown up in your assless chaps & she was against assless chaps, then she doesn't have to take that date.
Casey:
Yes. Right. Yeah, yeah, yup. Pretty much.
Jeff:
Okay, I understand. Alright.
Casey:
Alright. So, mmhmm, so I fill out some of those questions, right? And I’m like, okay, we’re good to go.
Jeff:
Right. Good enough. Right, right.
Casey:
We’re good to go. Gotta upload a photo, so I soap, upload my Facebook photo. Right? Somethin’ that’s on there.
Jeff:
The brooding one?
Casey:
Yap. S’all I’ve got.
Jeff:
Or the one where you’re eatin’ the cantaloupe?
Casey:
Oh no, no, I don’t have the cantaloupe one. Yeah, that’s not a cantaloupe, that was like some kind of like, uh, gluten things or product, yeah, no no no.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Okay, it looked like a square of cantaloupe. But alright.
Casey:
So I upload that & I'm like, we're, we're all good here. But I gotta fill in these essays.
Jeff:
Yup. This is awesome. Oh right, you gotta write the essays.
Casey:
This is where things start taking a turn, towards —
Jeff:
For the worse?
Casey:
Towards The Jeff & Casey.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright. So I gotta fill in these essays & I'm like, "I'm not filling these fucking essays in. These are ridiculous."
Jeff:
Yeah, it sucks. Right.
Casey:
“Like, I’m not going to say these things.” So I’m like, “Welp, I don’t know, it’s OKCupid. There’s a cupid here, right?” We’ve been working on the cartoon, so I’ve been used to writin’ dialogue, I’m like I’m gonna write —
Jeff:
Oh my god, you scripted your answers!
Casey:
I scripted it.
Jeff:
Holy shit!
Casey:
I’m like, I gonna write, like, a dialogue as if the OKCupid Cupid is asking me —
Jeff:
That question.
Casey:
The things & I'm replying. So I do -
Jeff:
In the standard Jeff & Casey way where you don't pay attention?
Casey:
Oh, & they're super antagonistic. So the Cupid's like, "Alright, so tell me little bit about yourself." And I'm like going off on this stuff & jus- &, & I'm like, mhmm, "So lem, lemme ask you this, can, like, I don't actually ride a motorcycle, but could I say that I ride a motorcycle?" And then Cupid's like, Cupid's like, "No, you have to, like, say what you actually do," & I'm, like -
Jeff:
So you wrote it as, as a dialogue —
Casey:
Right, as a dialogue, as a dialogue. Yeah, as the show, just like the show. Yes, right, yeah.
Jeff:
Like the show, like where we’re like Casey, Cupid, Casey, Cupid? Awesome!
Casey:
Just like the show. And I saved it so we can post it.
Jeff:
Okay, awesome.
Casey:
Right? And it, an uh, I’m uh an so he’s like, “No, you can’t do that, that’s ridiculous.” And I’m, like. . . “What about a moped?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. And, and the things, &, you know, so I did the standard thing, right? So anyway, I put that up there & I'm like, I was pretty happy with that, because I'm like, "You know what, I've already amused my own self -"
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If nothing else, like, I don’t care what actually happens from here on out, like, I’m pretty happy, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. So, for whatever reason, this goes over big. Like, there was just like —
Jeff:
People liked the joke.
Casey:
Tons of messages. About this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Everyone’s like, “The Cupid thing is awesome, you gotta write more of that,” blah blah blah. So they have this journal thing, on there, right?
Jeff:
That’s global?
Casey:
Where you can just post more things.
Jeff:
Oh, okay, right.
Casey:
So I can just add more. So I added two more whole scripts & I was just like "I am too tired to do any more of this."
Jeff:
Of the Cupid?
Casey:
Right, yeah. I even did one that nobody got, like they didn’t quite, like a couple people sort of got it, but I did a slightly too good a job, which is — they’ve got this mascot.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Thing. Besides the fact they’re called OKCupid, called the Staff Robot, which is a little, like, robot looking thing, that’s like this cute thing that sits there on any of their system messages that’s like, “You don’t have any messages in your inbox,” got the little Staff Robot there.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And he’s like this thing, & he's got a little heart on his chest -
Jeff:
Sure, of course he does.
Casey:
And he’s got two little hands, & whatever, right. He's just it's it's it's kind of cute. Or not two little hands, two little things coming out of it. Whatever.
Jeff:
Antennas.
Casey:
So one of the things I did in the, in the script was I had, me- the Staff Robot, the Cupid sends the Staff Robot to help me out, right, because he feels bad after we kinda had this fight.
Jeff:
Okay, right.
Casey:
So he sends the Staff Robot to help me out, but I had the Staff Robot get totally fixated, sexually, on my rice maker, that, that, that sort of big, like, you know like, like thing, right?
Jeff:
Right, right, right.
Casey:
So I made, to post along with this journal entry, a picture of me, in my kitchen, going like, “What the fuck,” like, wi-, you know, like, in that expression —
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
With a fully comped, 3D-modelled Staff Robot, with the lighting matched, in the scene, like I even did like a light probe capture.
Jeff:
Haha, awesome!
Casey:
It’s rendered in there, & it looks like there's the Staff Robot, in 3D, looking at my rice maker, right?
Jeff:
Right. And you’re disgusted.
Casey:
And it’s with this, with this like, really sweet gri-, like, “Oh, this is awesome,” kind of a thing. Multiple people asked me wha- ho- what I built the Staff Robot out of.
Jeff:
Where you got the Staff Robot.
Casey:
I’m like, oh my fucking god.
Jeff:
Right. Hahaha!
Casey:
Anyway, so point being, nobody got that, but it was a lot of fun for me. Like, I enjoyed that.
Jeff:
Awesome! Okay, right.
Casey:
Alright. So anyway.
Jeff:
Hahaha! This is awesome.
Casey:
So now I will go over the actual dating part of this.
Jeff:
Okay, alright.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Now, just as a pre-question —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Were you straight with people, did you say like, “Oh, I’m doing this cause, I’m, I’m just try- like, it’s an experiment or like -”
Casey:
So no, okay, so I was not straight with people in the sense that, again, I felt like I had. . . I f-, f-, so, two things.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
One, is that I felt that would like n-, not be a really representative test, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In other words, if I’m just like —
Jeff:
Skew the results.
Casey:
Right. Exactly.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Right. And secondofly —
Casey:
Confirmation bios —
Jeff:
Right. No no no no Confirmation bias, on their part.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, yeah. And secondofly, hehe, “secondofly” —
Jeff:
Right. Hahaha!
Casey:
So, & the other thing about it was, like I said, I, I'm not aversed, to, i- like, if I met somebody awesome, through this system, then sure, right -
Jeff:
Sure, maybe, who knows.
Casey:
So, I’m I’m not, I’m not actually, it’s just that I wouldn’t probably have done this.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not that I have some bias against it where I’m like, “No, if I met someone through online dating I wouldn’t date them,” right?
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
So I felt like, no, I’m just, I’m honestly gonna try —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I will go on a date, not with the mindset that I’m going to hate this person. Like I’ll go on the date as a date.
Jeff:
Right, so the idea is, best case is, you meet somebody, worst case is you have a story, so there’s no downside to you.
Casey:
Right, so I’m, like, fine with this, & at-, I-, & it's only three months, I figure I can do this for three months.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s not true, but —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s what I was, s-, telling myself, at the time.
Jeff:
Okay, right.
Casey:
Alright, so anyway, couple things that I found. Ahem. First, is that I, absolutely, cannot avoid amusing my own self in one of these systems. It is not possible. When I write to somebody on one of these online dating things, it was abundantly clear to me from the very first time I sent someone a message that my audience was me. Like, I did not actually give a shit what the other person thought of the message that was coming out, it was whether I thought the message was amusing.
Jeff:
Found the message amusing.
Casey:
That’s right. I couldn’t shake that. I tried a couple times to do it, I couldn’t really do it.
Jeff:
You never got in the mind of your listener, you stayed in your own mind & like, "This is what I would think would be funny." Or, it's what I think is most amusing.
Casey:
Yes. Or, &, s- more, yes, amusing about what I could write right now, yes. And it turns out that that actually works pretty well, I think.
Jeff:
Okay, right.
Casey:
Like, it seemed, like, it got, like, I mean, my message/reply rate, if you will, like the ratio, was quite a bit higher than what they said the average was on the blog.
Jeff:
Was reasonable. Okay. Okay.
Casey:
Right. But I don’t really know, cause I don’t have their exact stats, right, so I’m not sure. Um, so anyway. . . I will now —
Jeff:
Okay. So you’ll be writing a book later on, called The Casey Game, that’s about, like, amusing yourself —
Casey:
No, I will not write that book.
Jeff:
Oh, dammit.
Casey:
Um, I, I don’t like manipulating people; I hate that stuff.
Jeff:
I know, but, like, this is the anti-manipulation, because you’re only manipulating yourself.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah, yeah, I don’t know, I’ve never read that book.
Jeff:
Yeah, I haven’t either. It just, it seems horrid.
Casey:
So I just don’t like the idea, I should, but I shouldn’t, much like, I don’t want to be like the standard Christian somebody, who, like, hears that a movie is, bn-bnb-maligns God & won't go see it, but then disses on it, so I don't know. Like, I can't really diss The Game, because I haven't read it, but I just don't really want to read it, so I'm just not going to say anything at all.
Jeff:
Yes. Okay.
Casey:
Anyway — I will say something bad about seeing it, seems, s- si- h-horrible to me. . . & ridiculous... & awful... & I'm embarrassed for males in this species.
Casey:
Hahaha! Okay, alright. Alright. So I will now, what I’ve done here, is I’ve collected some of the messages that I sent.
Jeff:
Respo-, ok-, okay, so these are ones you wrote.
Casey:
This is right. Yes.
Jeff:
Again, because you are amused by these.
Casey:
I was amused by these, yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Oh, & one thing abou- that I should say, in case it ever comes up, uh, in the, as, because I think there might be one or two times when it's, like, mentioned, is, on the sign-in screen, it said "Pick a screen name that conceals your identity."
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s the first thing OKCupid asked. Okay.
Casey:
o I didn’t really know what to do there, so I was like, “Okay, I guess I have to pick something, I shouldn’t pick, like ”Casey“ or ”Casey Muratori“ or something like this,” right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I’m, like, okay. I was listening to Wicked at the time —
Jeff:
Oh god.
Casey:
So I picked the name of the goat professor, ‘cause I’m, like, “Eh — why not?”
Jeff:
Oh my god. Okay, what’s the, what’s his —
Casey:
Which is Dillamond.
Jeff:
Dillamond. Okay, you’re Dillamond. Okay.
Casey:
Yes. So I’m Dillamond, right? And I’m like, “Well, you know, no one’s gonna know what that is anyway. And if they did know what that was, then hey -”
Jeff:
No, maybe, that’s a bonus for you.
Casey:
“That’s probably a bonus.” Right? I don’t think anyo- well, one person, I guess, knew what that was, but anyway. . .
Jeff:
I’m surprised that didn’t come with-, a lot of people watch, watch Wicked. I’m surprised, yeah. . .
Casey:
You think so? Alright. Well, either way, I put that on there, I’m like, okay good. That was literally what was playing at the time.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright, so, the first thing that I noticed, & I don't think that I'm the first person to notice this, is that a lot of people are looking for, what I would say is, quote un-, what they, what thay call, quote unquote, a "partner in crime."
Jeff:
Okay, that’s just a, a phrase that comes up a lot.
Casey:
So a lot of times you’ll see someone in their “You Should Message Me If:” section, “you are looking for a partner in crime,” or “you think I would make a good partner in crime,” or “you think you would make a good partner in crime for me.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Something like this. I don’t know what that means. None of these people commit crimes, to the best of my knowledge, right?
Jeff:
It’s not a — Okay, well, an- & it's not code, like a partner in crime doesn't mean like, we'll go, we'll go, that means screwing on a playground...
Casey:
Not code, as far as I know, no, I mean, I — it’s not a sex act or, or something, as far as I know. I don’t know, I really don’t. All I’m saying is that it’s in there.
Jeff:
Because you have all that on, you have, there’s a whole vocabulary on, on Craigslist of, hey — Okay. It’s not the 420, Christina. . . Okay, right.
Casey:
Right. No. No, it is not, I’m pretty certain it’s not that, I, it’s just, it’s something that people say, “I’m looking for a partner in crime,” right? Like they’ve seen Bonnie & Clyde & they're like, "That's for me." I don't know what it is, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Point being, at one point, there was somebody who I decided to write to who had that in there, so I’m like, “I gotta take care of this.”
Jeff:
Okay. So you addressed it.
Casey:
So I addressed it. Like I said, in Jeff & Casey fashion.
Jeff:
Hahaha, oh god.
Casey:
So I said, ‘cause they had that in “You Should, You Should Message Me If:” section.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I said, “Anyways, technically I should not be sending you this message because I do not need a partner in crime & you've listed that as the sole reason why anyone should contact you. In fact, I don't even have a crime in the works right now, let alone one that would require a partner. It seems like a crime must be fairly sophisticated before a partner is warranted, don't you think? In fact, I would propose that if it requires a partner, it might be more accurately described as a 'heist.' Like even bank jobs are often one person crimes these days, unless you count getaway drivers, but I figure on a dating site that's really a bit rude, right? I mean, if I was to send you a message saying, 'Hey, uh, love your profile, uh but we, um," - I, I'm excerpting, like, the names from this, so you don't know who they are - "wanna be my getaway driver?' you'd probably be a bit put out, right? Because getaway driver's a shit job. Everyone knows that. Nobody wants to be the getaway driver, you don't even carry a gun. I mean, you're probably wearing your seatbelt for the entire duration of the crime & let's face it -"
Jeff:
It’s not risky.
Casey:
“When your grandchildren asked you to tell them about the great capers back in the day, do you really wanna have to tell them that you spent most of your criminal career buckled up for safety? Doubtful.”
Jeff:
Okay, is that’s what you wrote?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
‘Cause basically, a heist driver is like picking somebody up at the airport.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Only in crime.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That got a response.
Jeff:
Okay, that, that, got, gotch- that, that triggered a response.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I didn’t like the response, so I never went on a date with that person.
Jeff:
Okay, deleted.
Casey:
Yeah, well, again, I’d always reply, so I would always reply, but my replies to a response that I didn’t like would be closed. There’d be no question in them, there’d be nothing leading.
Jeff:
You’d shut it down.
Casey:
Sometimes they would still reply & I'd just do another one. So I always replied, but I never - because I think it's kind of impolite not to reply -
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? You don’t wanna leave them hanging.
Casey:
And the other rule is if they asked for a date, I say yes. So [Sheiksel?] could’ve, but she wasn’t enough interested to just be like, off a closed reply, “Let’s go out.”
Jeff:
Okay. Alright, I’m with you.
Casey:
But apparently that was, yeah, that was good enough.
Jeff:
Okay, awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so you, you were, that was a success because it amused you.
Casey:
All of these were successful because they amused me. I’m not going to read any that weren’t amusing to me.
Jeff:
Oh, okay, alright, aright, awesome. Okay.
Casey:
Uh. Here’s another one. It’s entitled “Good News / Bad News.”
Jeff:
Okay, someone, that’s what somebody else wrote?
Casey:
No, I wrote this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
This is “Good News / Bad News” & this is to somebody who said, that, like, there's a section called, like, uh, you know, "What I Spend Time Thinking About"... And it had, like, "plans to take over the world."
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or something like that, right? And it also said in there, uh, like, there’s one section that’s, “What’s The Most Personal Thing You’re Willing To Admit”. . .
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or something & it said like, "I have two uvulas," right, like, the thing, like, in the back of your mouth, right?
Jeff:
Okay, not the other. . . the, the, the one that’s spelled almost the same. . .
Casey:
UH, no nononononononono, no you’re totally, yes, you are in Jeffland, yeah, right —
Jeff:
Yeah, alright. Uvula; yeah, I’m in Jeffland.
Casey:
So I liked that a lot, because that’s, like, a lot to work with, so I was like, interested in writing, but I was like, that’s —
Jeff:
Okay so she said she had two. . . uv- Right.
Casey:
Right. And, so it was “Good News/Bad News.” And I said, “First, the bad news. Your plans to take over the world are destined to fail. I know this because my plans to take over the world are destined to succeed. Before you dismiss this as geopolitical table-talk, ask yourself, is your secret island command center fully operational? Have you finished recruiting your army of incompetent henchmen? Will your team of oppressed-scientists-being-forced-to-work-via-extortion-since-you-are-currently-holding-their-daughters-as-collateral be ready to assemble the death ray once the necessary rare meteor fragments are retrieved from the North Pole? I didn’t think so. But as I said, there is good news, we both have something the other wants — you see, our initial tests of the death ray with low-powered substitute crystals left the test operator with nearly no uvula whatsoever. Something about the radiation emitted from the beam was absorbed only by the uvula. Once the death ray is fully powered, I can only assume that no single-uvula-ed person could possibly operate it long enough to take over the entire world. Sure, they could probably take, say, France, maybe Poland, but beyond that, it’d be risky. This is where you come in. Surely when you were born with that second uvula, you knew you must be destined for greater things. This is the chance you’ve been waiting for. Join me; together, we can enslave all of mankind.”
Jeff:
Okay, right, so you send that one.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Reply?
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Alright, awesome.
Casey:
She’s actually pretty cool, too.
Jeff:
Okay. You met her?
Casey:
So, yes. We actually did go out.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Um, it, like, wasn’t, she wasn’t somebody that I was going to, like, date seriously —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But, like, she was totally cool.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I will, s- like, there was no question about that. S- like, we got along perfectly.
Jeff:
How did the, how did the friend percentage bing on that? Was it pretty accurate?
Casey:
I don’t remember. I don’t remember. All of the people that I’m writing to, have pretty high match percentages with me.
Jeff:
I see. Anyway. Okay.
Casey:
Uh, interesting side note, before I read, like, the two or three others that I excerpted here, is that my highest, my very highest match percentage, so when you click “Show Me My Matches” or whatever —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The top person, top person. . . is a camgirl.
Jeff:
A camgirl. Wait.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
What’s a camgirl?
Casey:
Somebody who, like, has a webcam for money.
Jeff:
. . .AHAHAHA, awesome!
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
That’s awesome!
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
A camgirl.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Naked camgirl?
Casey:
She IMs me one time. . . uh, I, j- just a camgirl.
Jeff:
Just a camgirl. I don’t know what the- I don’t know what that is. Okay.
Casey:
Dude, I don’t know, I don’t watch with the cam thing, whatever. I don’t know, I have no idea. I’m just telling you what it says on the — right, yes yes yes.
Jeff:
The highest perecentagehood, she says “I’m a camgirl.”
Casey:
Right. And it’s like, “what’s that?” It’s like, “Oh, it’s like, you know, I have this, that & the other thing, I'm not going to go into it in detail," right, point being, so... She's actually pretty cool, like I will say that, I don't know that it was like a ma- like, I-I-I'm not sure why our match percentages are so high, right, but I thought that was -
Jeff:
Well maybe you need to be a camboy.
Casey:
I just think that’s pretty interesting. Like somebody who’s actually in the sex industry, for a living, gets matched highest with somebody who, like, can’t even sleep with someone unless they’ve been going out for many months, right? Like, how does that happen? And I don’t know.
Jeff:
Okay, this is awesome, though.
Casey:
Right? I have no idea. Maybe they’re just, like, “We somebody really sexually aggressive for this guy. Because otherwise -”
Jeff:
“Nothing’s gonna happen.”
Casey:
“Nothin’s gonna happen.”
Jeff:
Haha; alright, awesome.
Casey:
Right, so I don’t know. So I thought that was funny, we chatted online one time, because she sent me an IM. You can, like, IM people through this system, right.
Jeff:
Oh, okay I gotcha.
Casey:
So it just pops up, & I'm like, "Oh hey, how's it going," we were talking, it was, you know... It was, it was fine. But it was like, I, we, I, I, I don't know, I think I just wasn't ready to actually go on a date with somebody who was that into, like, I, I think it was a little intimidating. Honestly, like that it was, I don't know what happens here, like, I'm sure...
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t know about that.
Casey:
I don’t want to judge people by their job —
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But I just like, I, honestly, I’m not sure why, I didn’t, but I just. . .
Jeff:
Right. I think there’s jobs that, that, like, if you’d hear, you’d just wouldn’t want to do, you know? Like —
Jeff:
I don’t know, I don’t know. . .
Casey:
“I butcher, you know, baby seals.”
Jeff:
Well, I’m fine with the EAC. . .
Casey:
It doesn’t matter if liked, with these seals or not, but I’m just, like, what would it take to kill seals all day long? Right? Like she probably has really big forearms.
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Like I said —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I don’t have any more information than that, I was just throwing that in there as an aside.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright. Next one, with someone whose profile had a bunch of mentions about, like, this art-performance-thing that she does or something.
Jeff:
Okay. . . Hahahaha, okay.
Casey:
But, that, I couldn’t tell what the hell she was talking about. I really, honestly had no idea. It wasn’t specific, it was just like, “Blah blah blah.” So this was one that I wasn’t really super excited about, but at some point it was just like, “Well I try to write, like, one thing a night or something,” just so there’s, like, a stream right? Because it’s like, you can’t, you know, within the first day or something I’ve written to the ten people I’d probably write to, & "we're done," right? There's messages coming in, so my replies, to people may be from lots of dif, but in terms of writing someone an initial contact thing, which is what I was supposed to do, I'm doing it.
Jeff:
Right. I see. Alright.
Casey:
So I said, “I have read & re-read your profile in its entireity, yet am left with only the vaguest notion of the artistic endeavor that motivates you to lengths so extreme as rousing seven artists from a hotel room at the same time. My best guess was mime troupe, it being the predominant entertainment medium of the twenty-first century, witness 'The Mimes They Are A-Changin' - Breaking Through The Imaginary Glass Ceiling' in the September '09 issue of Harper's, & supported by the well-known fact that mimes always travel in packs of eight - for protection..."
Jeff:
Right. Of course.
Casey:
“But upon closer inspection, I notice that you claim to, quote-unquote ‘know what you would read on selected shorts,’ endquote, which makes me think you must resort to those more plebian forms of expression which involve actual speaking. By this I mean no disrespect, of course; perhaps your act is meant to ironic, leaving the audience accutely aware they although they have been shouted at from the stage for an hour or more, they are left feeling even more disconnected from you than they were upon entering, while their affinity for the person with whom they came & with whom they sat side-by-side in silence grew. Perhaps it has even blossomed into love, or at least a dominating passion, willful enough for them to finally overcome tradition & recommend to their partner that they go see a proper mime show next time instead of the garbage they just sat through. Only at this moment will they realize that you have accomplished that rare fete-de-theatre, turning the audience into performer, having made each & every one of them into mimes unto each other..."
Jeff:
Yes. Awesome.
Casey:
“But alas, that is only my concjecture, & so, left with insufficient clues, I am afraid I must resort to asking directly, or to counti- or continue to suffer in ignorance. Please enlighten me."
Jeff:
Ahahahahaha! I say, no reply.
Casey:
Incorrect.
Jeff:
OH! You got a reply on that!
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Got a reply, wrote back to the reply, eh-ehh-not, i- it-, like, I wasn’t even full closed, it was like half & half - no response.
Jeff:
You weren’t shuttin’ it down. Okay. I would have figured a no reply there, just ‘cause artists can be very sensitive about their art —
Casey:
Yes. Yes. You are correct.
Jeff:
And, like, any hint of, of silliness, it-, whether or not, it can even be a silly thing that they do, they don’t want to be perceived as silly.
Casey:
I think, yeah. Yeah, I don’t know. Yes. Right.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Um, I should also mention something at this point, that there were, seemed to be some fairly common things I noticed..
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which were that, for whatever reason, there seems to be a pretty big age, like, rule, where, like, older women —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, if they have children, ‘cause it usually has, like, “Has Children” on there or something. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I think they’re just, like, it’s hard for a woman who has a kid to find a date, probably, right? Because, like, guys don’t want responsibility, right? So they will write back or message you or whatever, because they’re, I think they’re actually trying, right?
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Women who are older than me, who do not — rarely do you ever get a response, I’ve found. Like, it was, it was not common.
Jeff:
Right. They’re very picky.
Casey:
It’s, no, I think it’s that like, it seems like, people want two or three years older than them, at a minimum or something like this. Like, I, it was a lot easier to get replies from younger people.
Jeff:
Ooooh. You’re immature. Sure, right, I see. You’re, you’re, you’re less mature than them, and they’re like, “Not only is he less mature, he’s talking, so- songs and mimes and craziness.” Yes.
Casey:
Maybe. Maybe. I don’t know. Yup. I don’t know. So anyway, that may just be because of some other thing weird, like, older women don’t like me and younger women do, or something, & so wedifferunsummonup, I don't know.
Jeff:
Right. You never know. Or a sampling problem. Who knows? Right.
Casey:
I don’t care, I’m just saying I noticed that seemed to be true.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Maybe I play well with a specific crowd & not with others.
Jeff:
Yeah, alright.
Casey:
Ah-hem. This one. . . is a reply to a message.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
‘Cause here are some replies. Uh, I found that a lot of times, also, the-, this is another trend thing — for whatever reason, the, huh, like the most, this is har-, I don’t really know the tricaliuhxis, the women that I would say were, like, the more attractive women that I ended up talking to, for whatever you want to say there — looks wise or interest wise or whatever — actually tended to message me, versus the other way around —
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
For some reason, I am bad at picking profiles, or something. . .
Jeff:
Do you, are you gunshy? Or bad at — You —
Casey:
No, I think I just. . . Well, I don’t know.
Jeff:
You didn’t, you didn’t look at ones & go, "Oh boy, out of my league," & then go onto to the next...
Casey:
No, I never, I- I- always messaged somebody if I looked at them, whatever. So I didn’t, um. . . But I think that’s, I don’t know. I think that’s partially, because again, I, like, the physical attributes I don’t really look at that much.
Jeff:
Part of the test. Alright.
Casey:
It’s more like, uh, I try to see if their profile has some interesting stuff in it, because I like, like, wacky & you know, whatever, I don't know, like, it's just, I don't want to be bored. You know how scared I am of being bored.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, & so that's like the m-
Jeff:
So much so that you’re amusing yourself in some huge meta-game. . .
Casey:
Yes. Because somebody’s got to. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Alright, so the next one I had was somebody sent me a message, & this message, in the message, see- she said, "I wasn't sure what to title this, so I just started typing something into the subject field & let the auto-complete fill it out."
Jeff:
Okay, that’s interesting.
Casey:
And what it felt — I thought so, too; that’s one of the reasons I wrote back (but I have to write back, so it’s not that big a deal). So I said, mmhmm, oh sorry, so it said in the subject line, “Re:,” like, as in reply to —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Garage Door Closure,” on a particular date.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Auto complete chose that.
Casey:
Right. Now —
Jeff:
So that means she actually had a garage door closure to replace? Or — must have been.
Casey:
I don’t know. F- That’s what i-, that’s what it filled in. So I c- looked at her profile, I wasn’t super interested. Right? So I’m like, “ Well, I gotta write back. I might as well amuse my own self.”
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
So I write, “Thank you for responding to my inquiry about the garage door closure. Yes, I understand that the closure was scheduled for January 7th, but what I was trying to explain was that it actually closed prematurely on January 3rd, & I have been unable to get my car out of the apartment since then. I recently purchased an acetylene torch, which, by the way, was no easy task because I had to have my friend drive me to the Home Depot for obvious reasons. If you cannot get the garage door open shortly, I will be forced to cut an opening in the shape of my car's profile." No response.
Jeff:
No response to that?
Casey:
She messaged me & I got no response from that.
Jeff:
Unbelievable.
Casey:
Seriously.
Jeff:
Yeah. And I don’t want to say anything bad about about her profile.
Casey:
The nerve of some people. The nerve of some people. It’s almost like they don’t like it when I’m only amusing my own self. Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe, maybe she thought, maybe she didn’t get the joke to the joke somehow.
Casey:
Who knows.
Jeff:
Oh my god.
Casey:
But I was laughing my ass off.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
And like I said, I wasn’t actually interested in that pro-, so I was, like, it actually worked perfectly.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
In some sense, but. . . Yeah. Here’s another person that wrote me; um, alright. She wrote me something & it said, "I know it probably sounds kind of like a 'do you like me yes / no kind of a thing."
Jeff:
Okay
Casey:
I don’t know why she said that in her thing, but that’s what she said. Uh, oh, sorry, uh, do- “A do you like me yes / no, a kind of a survey,” is what she said, yeah.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
So I wrote back & I said something random about, uh, her name & then I said, "Either way I think you need to spend more time working on your survey writing skills. Nobody writes 'do you like me yes or no.' That's way too old school. It's unambiguous & the person can answer it without getting confused. Modern surveys usually have a preamble that looks like this: 'Please mark each of the following sentences with a number between 1 & 5. 1 meaning that you did not in any way agree with what is written, 2 meaning that you don't agree but want to fight, but don't want to fight about it, 3 meaning that agreement or disagreement isn't really on your mind per se, but you would be interested in talking about the ramifications of it at some point in an undergraduate or postgraduate kind of scenario, although not for credit, & 4 meaning you think the question is bullshit and/or you refuse to answer it on religious grounds, 5 is rever-, is reserved for future surveys & should never be used in this section. And then they are comprised primarily of statements that look like: '1: Siblings with additional limbs beyond the number generally found in their species or accepted by their cultural background would affect my decision as to whether or not I like you.' You can see why that's confusing, right, because are they talking about your siblings - meaning that I might not like you because you have, say a three-legged sister I think that's fucked up - or are you talking about my sibling, meaning that if you had a brother with an additional arm I would let his opinion of you affect my opinion of you -"
Jeff:
Ahahahahahaha.
Casey:
“That said, I’m not sure how to answer the survey you did write, concise at it may be. I can’t really be a fair judge of your profile, because I have a thing for elaborate or unusual hairstyles or headdresses, so I was already interested just from the picture. If you want an honest assessment of whether or not I like you, we’ll have to figure out some way to do that without a distracting photograph.”
Jeff:
Hahaha, awesome. Awesome. Reply?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Ok, that one got one?
Casey:
That one got one.
Casey:
Um mmhmm, & that one was weird, this is the only time, that a date was set & not kept. It was like, we were supposed to go out one time & then I like messaged two days before, or the day before & was like "what time do you want to do this," never heard back.
Jeff:
Oh okay. It just didn’t, okay. Interesting
Casey:
I don’t know, maybe she never checked in, maybe she lost interest. . .
Jeff:
Maybe the whole extra limb thing. . .
Casey:
No, I got, there were several replies after this, I’m reading you just the on- first thing I ever wrote to any individual person, either the reply or.
Jeff:
So you don’t think she showed that to her girlfriend & her girlfriends went, "Girl you crazy to go out with that guy."
Casey:
No, no, no. Um. mmhmm. Anyway, uh. So, this one I was pretty sad about, because you can see when people log back in. And I wrote this one & I was pretty happy with it.
Jeff:
With how it came out.
Casey:
She never logged back in, so I don’t know whether it would have been a reply or not. I don’t know.
Jeff:
If she’s ever seen it. Ooooh, okay. So you weren’t, there was no rejection there.
Casey:
I don’t know. No rejection.
Jeff:
There, this is like Schroedinger’s Reply.
Casey:
Who knows, who knows.
Jeff:
Right, okay, alright. So it lives in like a rejected, unrejected state.
Casey:
And I li- the reason I like this one is because I was in-, I was into the concept. Okay? Her concept, because she mentioned it.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
She said she really wanted to write a screenplay called Werewolves in Space.
Jeff:
Haha, okay.
Casey:
So I’m like, I’m on board with that.
Jeff:
Yeah, I’ll help you out.
Casey:
I’m on board with that right now. “I fail to see how this hasn’t already been greenlit. Surely it’s a license to print money. How is the script coming? I would suggest that, given the long history of vampires & werewolves appearing in the same fiction, Werewolves in Space should also feature plenty of vampires, but, of course, since it is always sunny in space, they are always asleep in their coffins."
Jeff:
Hahaha.
Casey:
“I feel like this solidifies the plot for me. Clearly the evil werewolf prince is in love with a sleeping vampire princess & has decided he must destroy the sun so that she can awake & they can be together."
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“The heroes, whoever they are, must stop him before he does, as it would plunge the solar system into darkness, which presumably is bad, for some reason that — given this is a film called Werewolves in Space — will probably only be addressed, in passing, by line of expository dialogue that doesn’t make all that much sense.”
Jeff:
Or the sequel.
Casey:
“Also, I assume it goes without saying that the heroes have to do all of this using only six, the only six remaining silver bullets in the known universe.”
Jeff:
Ahahahahaha. So you wrote that & got nothing from it.
Casey:
Yeah, so this was before, I made some mistakes. I was a neophyte to online dating.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
What you need to do, all of you who are out there & going to run out & have an online dating profile based on listening to this podcast, always look at the when the last time she logged in was. Because that girl hadn't logged in for, like, three months. She was already off the site, but just hadn't deleted her profile.
Jeff:
Because she had already done her social experiment.
Casey:
Evidently.
Jeff:
Put it on her podcast.
Casey:
Well, I deleted my page, though, after I was done, so people wouldn’t be sending, like, I did the common courtesy of, like, “I’m not going to reply to anything. It’s not your fault. It’s not you, it’s me.”
Jeff:
Right, exactly. I broke, right.
Casey:
It’s not you, it’s me.
Jeff:
I pre-broke up with anyone that might message me.
Casey:
Right. Exactly, yes. Alright.
Jeff:
Okay. That is awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. So here we go, mmhmm. Uh, this one is called “My Mom.”
Jeff:
Oh dear.
Casey:
And the reason for this is because the person’s profile had something in it which said, uh, what was it, like, “think,” “Things I C-” it, there was like, the section called, “Things I Can’t Do Without,” or something —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it had, like, “Your Mom” in there or something like that. It was just a blatant “your mom” joke.
Jeff:
Wow. Okay.
Casey:
And I was, like, well, I’d write to someone who made some, “your mom” joke.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, I mean, I just, I’m on that.
Jeff:
So you’re gonna go on a your mother joke.
Casey:
So I’m like, “I noticed in your profile that you said my mom was pretty great, so I asked my mom & she claimed she'd never heard of you. It was a really awkward conversation, for the record, it was kind of like: Mom: What kind of a parent names their child with a number at the end? Me: No, mom, that's just her handle. She has a real name, I just don't know what it is. Mom: What's a handle? Me: It's something you put as your screen name on the dating site so people won't know who you are until you get to know them. Mom: You're on a dating site? Heavens, no! Don't ever go on a date with someone you meet on the internet! Don't you watch Dateline? etc. etc. How could you put such a sweet, old lady through this kind of stress? And to think I was ready to bake you cookies & everything." There was like, cookies had mentioned, I think, in the profile or something.
Jeff:
Ahahahahaha, uh, reply?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay, right.
Casey:
We actually went out.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. That was actually one of the d-, one of the test dates, okay. So all these are in Seattle?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We can talk about the dates a little bit later, but I really didn’t want to, because I don’t want anyone’s privacy to be invaded. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, that’s unne-, that’s probably too much. Yes, yes. Right.
Casey:
So I was sticking just to things I wrote. Yeah. Alright, mmhmm. Now this one was, again, another mistake. Person who hadn’t logged on in a long time, so I can’t tell you reply or no reply. But I really liked this one.
Jeff:
Okay. Okay. Ahahahahaha. I amused myself in this one, particularly.
Casey:
In their thing is “Wh-,” yes, I did, yeah. It was like, “Things That You-,” with, “What You’re Doing With Your Life Right Now” or something had “Trying to convince my roommate that unicorns used to be real.”
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
And I said, “Look, I’m not sure who this person is that you’re rooming with, who thinks unicorns aren’t real, but that’s kind of ridiculous. I mean, without authentic unicorn horns, exactly how do they think people used to treat poisoning? It’s not like they had a CDC in the 1500’s. And what do they think Jesus rode around on? I mean the Bible all but comes right out & says that Jesus had a pet unicorn & that they rode around together & that it shat rainbows everywhere, much to the delight of passers-by & small children. I'm personally of the opinion that the rainbow smelled like strawberries, although I am the first to admit that there is considerable disagreement among scholars on this point. Anyway, I don't blame you for being upset about it. Some people really just refuse to look at the obvious facts right in front of them. Please tell you roommate that it's people like them that make the world a dangerous, irrational place."
Jeff:
Ahahahahahaha, & because, that you hadn't checked...
Casey:
I will never know.
Jeff:
Right. So basically, at this point, you’re making jokes, only for yourself, because those people never read them.
Casey:
Yeah, but I didn’t know that, yeah, I didn’t know that.
Jeff:
Okay, right.
Casey:
Now, we’ll take a brief interlude here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There’s a thing on the site, that you can do —
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Called “winking.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which is just, if you’re too scared —
Jeff:
Lazy.
Casey:
Lazy to ask someone out directly or send them a message, you can just click on the “Wink At This Person,” button.
Jeff:
Goddammit. So like, they, they moved awkwardness into the cyber domain. It’s like. . . ahhhhh. . .
Casey:
And they get a wink. Yes. Yes. Right, yeah. So I didn’t like winking.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I do-, I never winked at anyone, certainly, but I did not like it when people winked at me.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So what I decided to do, was have a pre-canned response that I could use any time someone winked at me.
Jeff:
Winked at me, okay.
Casey:
And it went like this. “Hey, look, I’m really sorry, I would love to wink back, but unfortunately when I was seventeen I was diagnosed with interoculara synchrona, in ex, an extremely rare condition affecting only about five in every ten million people, where the motor control neurons for your eyelids grow together over time, causing you to lose the ability to control them individually. So I can only really blink at this point; it’s tragic, I know. Every year I walk in the fundraiser, well, walk is kind of the wrong term, because it’s really more of a hopping thing, we all tie our feet together, right, as a gimmick kind of thing, to emphasize the whole can’t control both sides separately problem. Anyway, there’s really no chance of me being cured at this point, but I do it for the children, you know, so that they don’t have to go through life without winking, the way I did.”
Jeff:
Ahahaha, okay.
Casey:
Sadly, that did not work as a put-off. So usually you’d end up getting another reply & you're like, "Ah, whatever."
Jeff:
Now you have to deal with it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
o one time, & this is, I think, the only time that I was rude.
Jeff:
Oh, Okay.
Casey:
I was, the entire time, I was extremely —
Jeff:
Right. Polite.
Casey:
Yes, gregarious or whatever you want to call it, like I was, I, I tried to be extremely polite, I always answered everyone’s things, never made fun of ev-, anyone, never said anything lewd, I mean, I was always, like, as up front & honest as I could be about this.
Jeff:
Right. Because your mother raised you right.
Casey:
Well, she tried. Okay, she tried. This podcast is evidence that she failed, but she did the best that any mother could have possibly done. It’s not her fault. Right, the- sometimes, the nature versus nurture, there’s only so much you can do when the nature is my DNA, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Someone wrote back to that & said, "Wow, you are hilarious. I'm pretty hilarious myself. We should talk sometime & see who laughs more."
Jeff:
Haha, okay.
Casey:
And I replied —
Jeff:
Uh oh. I’m scared.
Casey:
“Are you really hilarious? Because, actually, I did not laugh at your message at all. I mean, no offense, but it’s just not my kind of humor, in the sense that I like the kind of humor where there’s humor, instead of the kind of humor where there isn’t any humor. I admit it comes down to personal taste, but I just find hilarious hilarity more hilarious than inhilarious hilarity, which tends to be not that hilarious at all, in my experience.”
Jeff:
Ahahaha, did they respond to that?
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
Try to like —
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
Did she to bring her A game?
Casey:
I don’t know what was wrong with this person, I’m like, “okay.”
Jeff:
And was the second one funnier? Did she put some, like, creativity into it?
Casey:
No. So I just didn’t respond to that one, because I’m like, I’m done.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, we’re done here. Like, it started with the wink, like, I think my patience was tried at that point. And like I said, I had been so nice, like I’d been nice the whole time. So at that point, yeah.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Right. Like, “I’ve been winked at. . .” Right. So at this point, you’re like, “You know what, screw it.” Did you ever like, last day, just lose it?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay, you, you kept it in check.
Casey:
I, I mean, I went on all the dates, & was extremely nice, I always paid for everything, was, like, I didn't say at the end of it, "Well, we're never going to see each other again."
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, or anything like this. But. . . yeah. . . right.
Jeff:
Right, yeah, good luck, because, you know what? I just lost your wink, right?
Casey:
Alright, so, uh, mmhmm let me read you two more, & then I think we're, we're d- unless we have. Yeah, & then we're at the end of the story.
Jeff:
Oh my god. Yes. This is amazing.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah. Uh, one person had a profile. Mm, so a we’re gonna do ones, oh okay, sorry, there’s one other thing, & then I'll go th- th- the two that did not get a response from people who actually did log back in, I think, one of 'em, uh, I know didn't & then the other one I can't quite remember. Anyway. Uh, so here was one where, there's, one of the cool things, I think this is actually a really neat feature, of the site, I was like, someone was thinking when they thought of this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
They show you a log of who has visited your profile, so you can see when people came & looked at you.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
So it’s kind of like hanging out somewhere, where you’re like, “Oh, someone just checked me out.”
Jeff:
Yeah, alright.
Casey:
And maybe they didn’t, they didn’t like me enough to message me or something, but I don’t know, I know that they saw me.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or I can see I messaged someone, did they ever look at my profile or didn’t they?
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Right, that kind of thing. Somebody looked at my profile & I looked at theirs, because I was just looking through the m-, who visited me list, right, & I was like, "I kind of want to write to this person," but they already visited me & they didn't write me, so I'm like - Hmm...
Jeff:
Sure. Okay. Hmm.
Casey:
What should I do about this?
Jeff:
So you need to bring your A game here.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Well, no. I then thought, “Well, what’s the most amusing thing I could do?”
Jeff:
We, right, of course, becaus- we have to go with the right mindset, right?
Casey:
Right, yeah. We have to go with the right mindset.
Jeff:
What would be funniest for the podcast?
Casey:
Yes, exactly, exactly. Um, and it, again, it’s exactly, it’s exactly like you said, it’s the inability to put yourself in the mind of audience. I’m thinking, “What do I think is the funniest thing here?” Not what would she think.
Jeff:
So you got angry — Right. Right. Right. So I’m guessing trespassing? I’m s-
Casey:
Uh, no. So I wrote, uh, what is, l- looked like a hotel f- form letter kind of a thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
She had mentioned, that, like, “What Do People First Notice About You,” is one of the things, she had mentioned that people notice that, fact she has a small head, I thought that was an odd thing to put there.
Jeff:
Okay. Okay. Unlike Carl Pilkington.
Casey:
And uh, & something like, uh, the, one of the most personal things was like, one of my, my toenails are dead inside my shoes or something like this, like you can't see them right away, a- it was weird, I don't know, anyway, point being.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
I wrote back, “Dear (Blank),” fill in your name here, mmhmm “Our Visitor Log shows that you were a recent visitor. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you & to ask if there's anything I can do to make your visits even more pleasant in the future. As proprietor of The Dillamond OKCupid page, I am committed to insuring that you are one hundred percent satisfied with every aspect of your visit. I've noticed that you listed "small head" as something people notice first about you. I sincerely hope that this listing was in no way precipitated by your visit to our page. We have extensive mandatory sensitivity training program here & all of our employees are explicitly instructed to use the most politically, the more politically correct term, 'differently headed.'"
Jeff:
Ahahahaha.
Casey:
“Furthermore, I must apologize profusely if your dead toenails are in any way the result of our recent facilities issues. We are aware of the problem with the obstruction sensor for the elevator doors & signs would have been posted regarding keeping limbs clear if it were not for the fact that the maintenance person now responsible for signage is currently on disability leave due to an unfortunate de-gloving accident. As always, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, peas f- please feel free to contact me directly."
Jeff:
Ahahaha, awesome. Did sh-, so she would have to remember that she went to your page —
Casey:
Yup. Yup.
Jeff:
And put that together to know. No reply, though.
Casey:
Reply. And we went on a date.
Jeff:
Wow, okay, awesome. She did remember the whole thing, then?
Casey:
Apparently.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Do you usually have to end up explaining these later on?
Casey:
No. What I’ve found, in general, was that —
Jeff:
Is what’s, what’s online stays online? This is like Vegas?
Casey:
N----no — what?
Jeff:
Well, I’m assume, you said that you don’t talk about what you, you don’t have to discuss your stories outside in the real world. Like — okay.
Casey:
I’m not, okay, I’m sorry, I b- I guess I misunderstood your question. What is the question?
Jeff:
I’m asking you, when you make up these silly things, at, gets people to reply —
Casey:
Yes. Yeah.
Jeff:
Do you end up discussing those replies in the real world?
Casey:
Oh, no, not really, like, usually, like, base — what I’ve found is generally, like, either the person has a sense of humor like I do — So it is — Right. Right. In which case they’re like, “I loved that email,” right or whatever’s right. Or they don’t & I probably didn't hear from them, back from them, right.
Jeff:
Okay. I see.
Casey:
Um, & but like I said, a lot of, the vast majority I think of the people I corresponded to messaged me first. Because, I, that, the script thing, seemed to work really well to make people be interested in writing, who I might be interested in talking to, like it actually was a pretty good filter.
Jeff:
And also, & also, who might even be ready more for a crazy response, right, okay.
Casey:
That’s right, yeah. So anyway, uh, yeah. So i- in the, like I said, I think the choice of OKCupid was good, because I think it actually was a site where if I was trying to get dates with people who were at least compatible with me, it seems to actually let me do what I need to do to make that filtering work, right?
Jeff:
Right. Right. I see. Okay.
Casey:
Like, I- th, I suspect the people who did not write back to me, probably would not be at all interested in me either. Right, like, when they met me, they’d be like, “I don’t like you,” or at least I’m not romantically interested in you, anyway, right? So I think that’s probably true. But I don’t know. You can’t tell that, because, there’s no,
Jeff:
Alright, okay. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay. You never know. Right.
Casey:
I have no data for that. But anyway. I just imagine that’s probably true. Uh, so then, these two did not get responses.
Jeff:
These next two.
Casey:
I’m gonna read now.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Uh, this one, I admit was a throw away.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I admit that going into it.
Jeff:
You shou-, you you you —
Casey:
I am not surprised it didn’t get a response.
Jeff:
Right, you, uh like you wrote it & you really should have started over again.
Casey:
It was not that good. And I didn’t care that much about this one, to be fair.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The next we’ll talk about separately, but this one. She said something about, uh, the fact that her sister once told her that, on average, a human eats eight spiders in their lifetime & that has freaked her out forever.
Jeff:
Ever since. Okay.
Casey:
So I said, “I’m really sorry about your sister & her incomplete information. If I had been around when you were twelve, I could have filled in the essential missing data about the ten spiders & you could have foregone the duct tape." She used to sleep with duct tape on her mouth, she said, to prevent herself from eating them.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
“The key thing about that statistic,” oh sorry, it was when you are sleeping, you eat them.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Which is not the statistic, by the way. I don’t know whoever told her that, I don’t think that’s true. But anyway. “The key thing about that statis-”
Jeff:
That’s a whole ‘nother problem, like it just got —
Casey:
That’s a whole ‘nother problem right there, yeah it’s like, well, the problems we have to work out if you ever apply those just keep piling up.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“The key thing about that statistic is that you don’t eat ten spiders over your lifespan, one at a time. You often eat them all at once, or at least in batches. It comes from what the original research paper on the subject called ‘nocturnal blending,’ which is the occasional tendency for humans in REM sleep to fill with an inexplicable desire for a smoothie. The human goes to the kitchen, gets out the blender, puts in anything that they believe to be a fruit or fruit-like substance, blends & drinks. Unfortunately, in their unconscious state, humans often mistake spiders for blueberries, given the form factor & coloring & they'll hunt around the kitchen for about ten or so to give the smoothie what they believe will be a - & I quote the paper's terminology here - 'delicious blueberry flavor.' A subsequent technical report by the author cited a paper entitled, 'Why Do My Blueberries Keep Crawling Away From Me?' question mark, on the subject of spider-blueberry transference, but I haven't read it, because it was only available in the original German at the time. It was actually (Warem Verden Mein Heigl Shurshin Haltin Creakin Weig Von Meir) A lot of the seminal sleepwalking research is done in Germany, of course, but I digress. Obviously, ten is an average, so individual numbers vary, some people blend a lot of spiders because they love blueberries & they often, & then often the people that can't stand blueberries & don't put any spiders into their drinks offset that. etc. etc."
Jeff:
That wasn- a that’s not a throw away, that’s pretty good.
Casey:
It, it, it wasn’t that, it didn’t have a good closing. Now, & so finally I'll read you the last one, which I actually thought was probably one of my best ones.
Jeff:
Okay, so this is one of your best.
Casey:
Did not get a response, which I’m not sure about one way or the other, because there’s really no way the person should have responded. Their profile said “in a relationship.”
Jeff:
Oh, okay, I see.
Casey:
So, they’re not looking for a date, & they're in Portland.
Jeff:
Right, okay. Alright, so yeah, they’re out of the, out of the zone
Casey:
Way out of the zone.
Jeff:
In multiple directions.
Casey:
Right, but I figured, that they would, if they liked it, might have said, “Hey that was funny,” or joked back or something, I was hoping. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Because, really, again you’re looking for just confirmation of your amusement, not necessarily —
Casey:
Well, she seemed cool, she seemed cool. I don’t know what I would do if she’d written back & was like, "I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend soon anyway so I was gonna re-activate my profile," or something like that.
Jeff:
Right, then you’d be like, “Uh-oh.”
Casey:
But she still actively logged in.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right, so I was like —
Jeff:
She has read it.
Casey:
She must do something on there, right, I was like, maybe she corresponds with people.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I said. . . Um. Oh, sorry.
Jeff:
You have to set it up.
Casey:
I forgot to set it up. In her profile —
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
She said that she was a “something by day & a superhero by night."
Jeff:
Okay, ooh, okay, sketchy.
Casey:
That was what it said. Okay.
Jeff:
Alright, here we go.
Casey:
So I wrote a message titled “Night Time Superhero Problems.” And I said, “I am ecstatic I happened upon another night time superhero here. I could really use someone to talk to about some of the unique issues we face that daytime superheroes really just don’t encounter. Like, for example, nobody could see my emblem, right? I’d fly in to save the day, but it would be dark out, & so onlookers had no idea who was responsible. Clearly that's a problem, so I stitched glow-in the dark ribbon around the emblem on my chest. It's a lower-case D in a diamond shape, pretty standard. But then the problem was, that when I was flying around, sometimes people got, sometimes people got it & said, 'There goes Super Dillamond,' & I'm like, 'Mission accomplished' -"
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“But about half the people are just brain dead & they keep saying, 'Why is P-Man flying around backwards?' So I have to stop in the middle of my flight, land down there & explain to them that they're thinking about it upside down. Sometimes they're just borderline retarded & I have to literally do a headstand to illustrate what's happening. It takes forever, I'm late to the crime - it's a disaster. Anyways, I go back to the D-Cave, I underline the 'D' so it's clear which side is down & I figured this will solve the problem. And let me tell you, I don't know if you do your own wardrobe, but it is a bitch to sew reflective tape into Lycra, okay? I just want to get that out there. I went through two sets of D-Bobbins & broke the needle right off the D-Machine at one point. At this point I'm spending more time on my outfit than fighting crime, really, which is fine with me because if the populace can't figure out which direction the letter goes when I'm flying forwards, frankly they deserve to be mugged or robbed or whatever is going on down there these days. But I am still giving it the old college try - so last night I fly out, underline on, & I re-stitched 'D' bottom (it had come undone a little bit, so I was looking more like an emblem for Dyslexic H-Man or something). I'm thinking now everything's going to be a-okay. Wrong again. Up in the sky, what's that, it's a bird, it's a plane - no it's Paragraph Man. I shit you not. What the hell kind of superhero would that even be? Look out, Paragraph Man, it's your arch-nemesis, The Run-On. Ridiculous. So I'm done, basically. If I can't find a solution to the recognition problems, Seattle's going have to find a new night time superhero, because I've had it. But before I call it quits for good, I figured maybe I should reach out to fellow night time superheroes in other cities & see if they've gone through similar trials. Any advice from your experiences in Portland?"
Jeff:
Hahaha, & nothing?
Casey:
Nothing.
Jeff:
I wonder if her, she was like, “Well, I’m not, I don’t want to write something shitty & like, I'll put this off thinking about it, so I can write something good."
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Cause, cause, there is, like, oh, if, well, if somebody sends you that, you want to write something funny back, right, there’s some stress there. And so maybe there’s a little bit of that going on.
Casey:
Really couldn’t tell you.
Jeff:
Oh man, that is awesome. That is awesome. And so, your experiences, you didn’t find anything perfect, but you found some cool people.
Casey:
So, the very odd thing, about this whole, thing —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The entire thing, is that, so, I thought, what you just experienced, up to this point in time —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is the story that I was intending to have, essentially, for you. Not so, as it turns out.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But, yes, I did meet some cool people, like, there are people that, there are probably at least three, or four people that I met on there —
Jeff:
That are cool.
Casey:
Who, like, if it wasn’t for the fact I already have a lot of female friends, like, I mean, I would probably stay in touch with them, & maybe still will a little bit, but they were looking for dates. And I don't know how much, like, I want to sort of go into the whole, like, "let's just be friends" thing & then there's like, whatever, I don't know.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
So as far as I’m concerned, unless it becomes like some kind of an issue, I probably won’t end up being super-close friends with any of them. But they were all great people, I thought.
Jeff:
Right Right. Okay, cool.
Casey:
And even the people who I went out with & never talked to again, were all very nice. I didn't have any of the bad date experiences that I think you'd probably have, like, I bet women have a lot harder time.
Jeff:
Oh god. Guys, oh dude, yeah.
Casey:
Because guys are fucked up. You know what I mean? They’re just all over the place, right? So I never had that. I never had anyone harass me.
Jeff:
Well, imagine —
Casey:
And, & the other thing is, if you don't call a woman back, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like after the first date, they don’t harass you usually. They might send a message or something —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But sometimes guys, they’ll just, they’re, they, they’re terrible, right?
Jeff:
Oh dude, guys, right oh, dude. . . yeah. . .
Casey:
So I, I think, it, for guys I think it’s a lot easier on an online dating site, a lot easier. A lot easier.
Jeff:
Right. Right right right. Ball’s definitely in your court.
Casey:
And so I was pretty happy about the fact that, like, you know, I had that advantage because it basically meant, that I didn’t, you know, I could go out with anyone & it, uh, there wasn't like this fear that, like, "Oh my god, what's gonna happen?"
Jeff:
Right. Right right right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I see, okay.
Casey:
So anyway, yes, that’s true. Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So basically, the end of the story is that this was a three month experiment.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? So I’m like, it’s supposed to be from my birthday ‘til February 14th.
Jeff:
Right, okay.
Casey:
I didn’t make it.
Jeff:
You couldn’t, you just couldn’t keep doing it.
Casey:
I did not, I did not make it to February 14th.
Jeff:
You gave up early.
Casey:
No. I did not give up early. I came back from Christmas break.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right, because you know I went home, for Christmas.
Jeff:
Right right right. Sure.
Casey:
And, again, not going into any details, because this podcast, I am not going to give any details.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. So I still have some dates I’m supposed to go on & I've still got the profile up there.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The girl from the opening of the story & I were supposed to go out the week that I got back.
Jeff:
Oh, okay, right.
Casey:
And when we went out, I was like, “This feels different than it did previously.” Right? I’m, like, this, I’m like, I could be, I’m not sure about this. Like, something, something’s definitely up that I was unaware of, or whatever, right?
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
So I’m like, “Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but maybe she’s interested in me.” That’s what I thought, right, this is what I thought when I came back. So I’m like, “Well, this may be premature, but this online dating shit is over,” right?
Jeff:
Okay, right. Hahahaha.
Casey:
I’m like, “I didn’t like this anyway very much & it's, like, if there's some chance that we would get to go out, then I am just like, this, like, free up this calendar."
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s exactly what happened.
Jeff:
Okay, so you freed it up.
Casey:
Freed it up. We ended up going out & we are dating now.
Jeff:
Awesome. Yeah, yeah, & somehow it worked.
Casey:
So somehow, in one, one week from before this was supposed to terminate, is when this happens.
Jeff:
Right. Ohh, that is crazy.
Casey:
It is so crazy.
Jeff:
Oh my god.
Casey:
So it ends up being the most ridiculous story from start to finish that I have ever experienced in my life.
Jeff:
Right, so which was the story, what was the story, the, the, the. . . what was the first story? Scroll up to the top of the list.
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
What was the one that —
Casey:
The partner in crime?
Jeff:
Wait, you’re saying before the whole thing, just this gir-, alright.
Casey:
Yeah, the one that I was like, this is the best person ever, absolutely peerless, like, I, right, it’s like, there’s no question. But wasn’t interested, right?
Jeff:
I see. Awesome. I see. So this whole thing actually turned out to be for nothing. . . the podcast.
Casey:
Except for the fact that now there’s a podcast. Or maybe it was just the universe’s way of telling me that I had to do a lot of work in order to actually, get, go a on a date that I wanted to go on.
Jeff:
Oh my god. I see. Well, no, that’s like a video game thing. Right. You had to like, find the inventory, like, “Use Casey on OKCupid,” Or “Use OKCupid on Casey” & it didn't, there's no reason why that unlocked the other door, but somehow it did. Oh my god. So that's awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah to magiclessayes, so I don’t know, yes. Right. Yes. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So, n-, yea, n-, hearing about this now, since you have not said anything to me about any of this, was there’s all these things that make sense, from this whole thing, right. Because Brian’s like, “ I don’t get it, I keep running into Casey & he's with somebody different every time & that's weird," all of this makes perfect sense.
Casey:
That’s right, yes. That’s right, yes. Now you can figure all of it out, yes. Yes. Yes. Right. And I think in his mind it was like, “Wow, Casey dates a lot of people or all this stuff,” right?
Jeff:
Right. No.
Casey:
Not true, right? I mean, not true at all.
Jeff:
He just had a weird sampling thing.
Casey:
Exactly, it’s like, well, & I didn't want to tell Brian, because if I tell Brian -
Jeff:
Oh, that would come right back to me.
Casey:
It comes right back to you, it comes right back to you.
Jeff:
Yeah, oh, okay. Oh my god, that is awesome.
Casey:
Right? So, so I had to keep, right? And so, but after it was obviously over, I was like, “Okay, this is over right now” —
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Then it was, like, “Well I can tell Jeff now, but” —
Jeff:
Well, did you feel relief after not having to do that anymore, or did you just, like, was, was it an easy thing to do?
Casey:
Uh, so here’s what I’ll say. At the risk of, again, being way too personal on the podcast. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, after I honestly thought there was some chance that the other girl would go out with me, the, the original, the girl from the beginning of this story —
Jeff:
Yes. Right.
Casey:
I don’t know that I’ve actually, given, that, that was like, my brain was entirely encompassed with that.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There was absolutely, like, it didn’t, every —
Jeff:
No room for anything else.
Casey:
There was no room for anything else.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
There was no, like, all of that, like, like, everyone else was thought of as just, like, a message in a box somewhere, right?
Jeff:
I see. I see, I got it.
Casey:
That I should probably be nice, like, clean up nicely, but there was, I mean, it was n- nothing, there was like, there wasn’t, it wasn’t like there was room for a feeling of relief, or room for a feel-
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It was like, it was just f-, completely, yeah.
Jeff:
Oh my god. So did any of these, did any of these people know you did the podcast?
Casey:
Uh, one of them who was pretty cool. . . uh.
Jeff:
You told them, okay.
Casey:
We told them about the podcast. And told them that I was doing it for the podcast.
Jeff:
Right, okay.
Casey:
And she likes the podcast.
Jeff:
Oh, okay, cool. So, y-, so then, see, we’re not in trouble that way.
Casey:
No, we’re not in trouble that way,
Jeff:
Okay, I see. We’re not in trouble that way.
Casey:
And like I said, I never, I never sandbagged, this entire time, like, I was one hundred percent genuine the entire time. That’s, that’s the best I can do.
Jeff:
Okay, so, this is, this is, right right, you weren’t, right, right, so unlike when we went to the Christmas lights, say, when we were going to. When we were going to pretend to be German or something, where we were going to fake it the entire time, or if we ever go visit the Eastlake church, & we'll have to totally invent new personas & everything for that, because there's no way you want to get that kind of hookup in the real world.
Casey:
Go & could not, yes. Yes. Yes. That'ts right, yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
This you were actually pretty much real for.
Casey:
I was real 100% of the time. It’s just, like I said, it’s just something that I would probably never do. . . Like, on my 33rd birthday, I would have just been, like, I’m done.
Jeff:
Yes. Yeah. Okay. . . Right.
Casey:
I wouldn’t have said, wait ‘til Valentine’s Day & do three months of online dating, take one for the team.
Jeff:
Right right right.
Casey:
I wouldn’t have said that, right? That was the only difference,. because once I said I’d do it, I did it legitimately, like, I never went on a date with any intention other than honestly going on the date with the person.
Jeff:
I see. Right, okay.
Casey:
And it turns out that I am right, at least to some sense, that at least in three months, I didn’t meet anyone who was even remotely like, in, I mean, you know, like, it just wasn’t that kind of thing.
Jeff:
Right. I see.
Casey:
But that’s me, I’m weird that way, right? Like, what can I say? I’m quite sure that if you, like, if you do not have whatever random brain that I have, like, I think people would probably have a good chance at finding someone on, on OKCupid, anyway, I don’t know, if they’re that, if you’re the kind of person who, you know, is computer-y.
Jeff:
I see, okay, okay.
Casey:
I guess, right, because it is kind of computer-y people, like. . .
Jeff:
In general, you’ve found.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I mean, not, like, they’re not programmers.
Jeff:
So this is unlike the rest of The Jeff & Casey Show, this is actual, real data. Not completely stuff we made up literally ten minutes, this, three months of, of tireless research, went into this show. Whereas usually our show, twenty minutes before we read something & we're like, "Let's go with that, I'm sure we can fill then up."
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Right. That’s correct. Everything I said is true. Yeah. Yes. Yes. That’s right. Yup, This is the onl- this is three months of my personal time. Yeah, to do this, that’s right. Yea.
Jeff:
Right, to do this. That’s awesome. So listeners — now you’ve got the total win, from Casey doing all this.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Because, before, we simply made fun of the sites, & now there's actually some data about them, so that's good.
Casey:
Yeah, & far as I could tell, as well, to bring it back to our original thing, I would say that OKCupid felt, to me, like a useful way to meet people.
Jeff:
I see, it’s —
Casey:
I did not feel that about any of the other sites.
Jeff:
Ha, right. Were accurate for everything else.
Casey:
Like, our criticisms of online dating sites, I, without having seen them, I think they may well be accurate for something like eHarmony.com, I mean, that site seemed terrible.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I cannot imagine people meeting their future wife on there. They say it happens, I think that’s probably just random statistics —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That eventually people will meet, you know, I mean, you know, you, randomly enough, right?
Jeff:
Well, they’ll settle for somebody, yes, yes “I’m choosing that.”
Casey:
I don’t know. I don’t know. But, OKCupid, it’s personal enough that I could see if you were lucky enough to happen to have the person that, you know, you really would fancy —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Also, beyond that site, I think you two might find each other. If you were both on there, right?
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Now unfortunately, there’s this huge signal to noise ratio problem, where there’s like, fifty dicks, sending messages like, “You’re hot,” clogging up, like, the girl’s inbox, which ruins it for everybody, right? And so that is a huge problem & I don't know what to say about that. Uh, but -
Jeff:
Hahaha, oh god, no, oh, you, yeah, yeah, seriously. Yeah. That is bad news.
Casey:
It is bad news. And so, like, once again, idiot guys ruining things for everyone, I don’t know what to say about that, right? Um, like, if you’re not going to write something reasonable to somebody, don’t write something at all, is my opinion. Um —
Jeff:
Right. Right. Right. Well, well I think the other thing is, there, the other technique there, is to spent so little time, like buckshot, right, you just, you send it out, right, & then you might hit something that sticks & then, you, you maybe something happens.
Casey:
Just yeah, spam, you just, eh, e- spray it everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
Rather than like, the other way which is, maybe you, you do spend some time & write a clever response like yours, but that's all the creativity, that's like a years' worth of creativity in that afternoon, & if it doesn't work, you're devastated, right? You have to have enough left over, right? Or be amused by it simply yourself, though, right?
Casey:
Yeah. That’s a good point, that’s a good point. Yeah, yeah. yeah. Well, that’s one of the reasons that I also, that again, uh, for me, it was a good site, because one thing I can do is I can write very quickly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it gives me a way to, like, send messages that people aren’t normally getting, without a whole lot of effort on my part. Whereas I agree, that like, you know, that’s, like, some really bad high school assignment to people, like, to have to do that much, & they're like, "Arrgggh," right? But I'm a, I can shit that stuff out, right, like, I can do four of those out a night & it's, like, not even bed time, you know? So...
Jeff:
Right right. Right right right. Hahahaha, awesome, awesome. Alright, well, we are way long, but that was awesome. So yes, the long term study things, we might have to do, we might have to have some of these projects, ‘cause I enjoyed that.
Casey:
The long terms — oh, you like what I did there. Well, it’s you’re turn now, b-.
Jeff:
Yes, I liked the — Yeah. Yup. Now I gotta figure out something there that’s gonna up the ante.
Casey:
Why don’t you do it?
Jeff:
It might — no, that’s not going to happen.
Casey:
I think you should do it.
Jeff:
No, I don’t think that’s gonna happen, yeah.
Casey:
I did it, you should do it.
Jeff:
Nope, I’m thinking Eastside church for me, is is, is gonna bring it.
Casey:
Alright. Okay.
Jeff:
‘Cause I gotta know what’s, goes on in that church.
Casey:
I would like to know as well.
Jeff:
I gotta know.
Casey:
I would like to know as well.
Jeff:
Either that or we go, uh, or I uh, o- or ya go to the Scientollege thing & see how deep you can go down the rabbit hole without -
Casey:
That seems so played out, though, the Eastside church nobody else is gonna report on that, right? Nobody else is ever gonna —
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true but, what if there’s like ten people in there?
Casey:
That’s even funnier.
Jeff:
Hahahahahaha.
Casey:
Right? That’s even funnier to me. It’s just you.
Jeff:
It’s just like show up &, like, "Hey look, when was, when's the porn thing? 'Cause, I, my understanding is there's a porn thing. No? That, that's not, that's not... yeah, you know, et- I'm gonna go. What- Does Tweezer -"
Casey:
Right, yeah. Right. “Is that canceled, what happened to that?” Yeah. Right. You could just be, yeah, you couldjuslike, “Look! I have a porn problem. I am here to talk to a pastor about it. I thought that was Friday.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Right. Right. Right.
Casey:
“Maybe it’s an old flier. But, do you want, what- do you want me to go home with my porn problem? Because I’ll do that right now.” Right, yeah, you know what I mean, like, it’s. . . yeah.
Jeff:
Ahahahaha, “Listen, if you have wireless, I don’t even have to go home. I just need a room by myself & -" you know, right.
Casey:
Hahahahaha! Exactly, yeah. See what they do. See if they freak out. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Ahahahahaha. . . Alright everybody. Well remember, you can email us at, uh, podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Casey:
. . .@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Jeff:
Facebook is facebook.com/jeffandcaseyshow. . .?
Casey:
Yup.
Jeff:
And, uh, Twitter is just jeffandcasey.
Casey:
Yup.
Jeff:
And, in fact, we have recently posted, no, wait, you were, you, you posted the new Eastside church flier with the guy who’s plucking his nose hairs, yea- “No Perfect People”. . . that’s on the —
Casey:
That’s true, you can, yeah, yeah, that’s true, yeah, “No Perfect People At The Eastside Church.”
Jeff:
That’s on the site, that didn’t get replicated out, like, uh, that one —
Casey:
Well, it doesn’t get replicated, because it’s just, goes, uh, filed under the thing, I didn’t put it as a (mumblemumble)
Jeff:
Right, right, but you can see that on the, on on the, uh, jeffandcaseyshow.com as well, under one of the episodes as well, so look up Eastside church or something.
Casey:
Yeah, yeah. Mmhmm. Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, thank you, everybody. And that was an awesome, good job. Have a great Valenton-
Casey:
Yes. Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, though, we should, yes — Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day & I hope that everyone else has some sort of a ridiculously random series of events that ends up making them very happy.
Jeff:
Yes. And all of those stories, also send to us so that they can get factored into the Jeff Story Machine.
Casey:
Ahahaha! That’s true, if you have online dating stories that you would like to add to our statistics collecting here, we would love, we would love to hear them. Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
Yes, please pass those along. Alrighty, thanks everybody.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 39
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