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The Jeff and Casey Show
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Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Epiphany
Original air date: January 5th, 2010
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the 12th day of the Christmas podcast.
Casey:
The 12th and final day. Ladies and gentlemen.
Jeff:
Alright, it’s four in the morning.
Casey:
The 12 days of podcast that began at a mere 11:00 in the evening.
Jeff:
It was ten when we started.
Casey:
10:00 in the evening? 10:00 in the evening.
Jeff:
So five hours.
Casey:
Has concluded four hours later — sorry, six hours later. Ten to four.
Jeff:
We took about an hour break, which was just enough time to watch. . . a Seaquest.
Casey:
A Seaquest. That here, on our 12th day, will be the conclusion. The epiphany, if you will, that we alluded to in the original first day.
Jeff:
The epiphany ends in Seaquest.
Casey:
Any epiphany ends in Seaquest.
Jeff:
Wow, this was just a bad one.
Casey:
Now, the episode we watched was called Greed for a Pirate’s Dream.
Jeff:
Alright, yeah, they were a little — compared to the rest, that had more thought put into it than the rest of the dialogue put together. Because this was just bad.
Casey:
It was absolutely bad.
Jeff:
I think there was also some weirdness, like I wonder if that was a first-time director. We should go see at some point who did that. Because there was lots of showing people going somewhere, which is just director problems.
Casey:
Well, okay, but Seaquest DSV is kind of like Madonna in that it is touched for the very first time every time, in some sense. It is like a virgin with each episode. I think every episode. . . every screenplay is a first time, every director is a first time. It’s the immaculate direction, if you will.
Jeff:
The immaculate Seaquest.
Casey:
Now I’ll give a bit of the back-story here. There’s sort of the jolly old black man who appears on the show once in a while. He is like the head scientist of some part of the government.
Jeff:
He’s very grumpy.
Casey:
He does geology, and he’s been in an episode previously which no one but me knows because I’m the only one that watches this, so I’m the only person that gets it. So this is the first time you’ve laid eyes on him.
Jeff:
Terrible, terrible actor.
Casey:
Terrible actor. He kind of is like. . . if James Earl Jones. . .
Jeff:
He’s a black Wilfred Brimley.
Casey:
I was going to say, when James Earl Jones doesn’t want to do it because the show is shit, this is the guy that you end up with. You can’t do it. He has sort of the fake, deep voice thing going on or whatever.
Jeff:
He had some crazy hair.
Casey:
He had some crazy hair. He had some ridiculous lines.
Jeff:
He had like — when you lose your hair on top so you just have the side hair, but then it’d grown out too long, yeah.
Casey:
I don’t know what’s going on here. He comes back again. In fact, the first thing I said when the episode started was Jeff, I think I’ve already seen this one. Because I didn’t realize he’s a recurring character. Turns out he is. And he’s back to fire what they call a magma buoy.
Jeff:
And if you didn’t get that, they say the phrase magma buoy like 500 times. We’ve got to get the magma buoy. The buoy. The magma buoy. Where’s the buoy? I don’t know where the buoy is. The magma buoy.
Casey:
The thing is — and I don’t totally understand — they refer to it once as a probe. It is not a buoy. Like a buoy is buoyant device that marks a location. This is actually a probe.
Jeff:
Which is why he’s not going to get the Nobel Prize. He thinks he’s going to get it.
Casey:
Anyway, he thinks he’s got a buoy, he’s got a probe, he’s not sure. He fires the Seaquest — he is aboard the Seaquest to fire this buoy into an underground stream of lava so that it will travel through this stream and collect data on the lava flow. That is what happens in the opening scene. He does this. There is a dramatic camera zoom on everyone on the bridge in sequence, except the dolphin.
Jeff:
It’s the thing where they kind of show the person, zoom in on them. Show, zoom, show, zoom.
Casey:
Cut, zoom, cut, zoom. You’re like what?
Jeff:
We don’t even know. There is no tension. We don’t even know what’s going on. Why are you zooming up?
Casey:
What I just explained to you is explained later. Like, I’m explaining to you — we don’t even know what the magma buoy’s supposed to do. All we know is they’re supposed to fire this thing. You know it’s going to be a barn burner of an episode when immediately after the triple zoom, you see four months later.
Jeff:
The four month later is in magma.
Casey:
It’s burning.
Jeff:
It’s burning. There’s also a great moment when the man goes. . . when there’s a key handoff to launch the magma buoy. He dramatically hands this key, and he looks at it.
Casey:
It’s like turn your key, sir. It’s not fucking war games.
Jeff:
But only she turns it, and you’re like why are we seeing — who thought this was important to see?
Casey:
They have no idea.
Jeff:
Four months later.
Casey:
I would like to offer at this point, I don’t really know much about science fiction. I don’t like to watch it. I don’t like to read it. I don’t like to hear about it. I think it’s all bullshit. Basically, if it’s not Wrath of Kahn, I don’t want to see it. I think I’ve mentioned this before.
Jeff:
You don’t want to know.
Casey:
I don’t know, we haven’t gone into detail. Even so, I feel like I can say something now which even in my limited experience, any science fiction author should take to heart. Just listen to what I’m saying. In a science fiction story, there should not be toiler paper.
Jeff:
Just in general.
Casey:
Period. If there is toilet paper in your science fiction story, you have a problem. It had better be a comedy at that point. Because if it is serious science fiction, which this show purports to be, it is a drama, there should be no toilet tissue.
Jeff:
And here’s where it comes.
Casey:
Four months later, we flash to some island in a place they call — sorry, do you have it written there?
Jeff:
Monito. Because it sounded like Mojito at first.
Casey:
It sounded like an alcoholic beverage or some kind of Mexican wrap of some kind. And by wrap I don’t mean the music, I mean some beans and rice in a tortilla. They cut to what looks sort of like a shack, like some kind of Jamaican party shack.
Jeff:
Well first there’s the [whistles]
Casey:
No, not first. We’re in the shack and people are pissing each other. They have cabin fever basically. There’s four people. One girl, two guys and an old man basically.
Jeff:
The most stereotypical old man, a young girl, an Italian male who’s straight out of Philly.
Casey:
Straight Guido. Straight Guido. Full on.
Jeff:
Gold chain, black shirt.
Casey:
Chewing a toothpick.
Jeff:
Chewing a toothpick. Hey! Then another guy who’s Murdoch on the A-Team. Crazy.
Casey:
So she’s got an angry mole in every scene.
Jeff:
She has a mole.
Casey:
She has a mole and it’s angry. It’s out there.
Jeff:
It’s pulsating.
Casey:
It’s ready to go at any moment. She’s got a chip on her shoulder, a little bit. They’re sitting around pissing each other off.
Jeff:
Driving each other crazy.
Casey:
All of a sudden they hear the noise Jeff previously referred to, which is like [whistles].
Jeff:
Like fireworks landing. Ordinance.
Casey:
Yeah, something like that.
Jeff:
And it’s a long, scary. . .
Casey:
It’s like a plane was going to crash into something, which I was expecting to happen. All of a sudden the bathroom door, which is this wooden affair, gently opens. Kind of like the set shakes a little, and you hear [ckkkt sound] and the door opens.
Jeff:
The door opens.
Casey:
The door opens much as if someone said hey, can you hand me a towel? Just popping their head out, right? But no, it turns out that what happened is the probe —
Jeff:
The buoy.
Casey:
The buoy, the magma buoy, has resurfaced in their bathroom. In the shitter. I just want to get that out there.
Jeff:
It ejected out into the air then crash landed.
Casey:
How do you know that’s what happened? We never saw that.
Jeff:
I assumed because of the set. They said it was ejected from the magma pipe or whatever. So I assume it was shot out into the air and then landed gently in their bathroom. It’s been four months.
Casey:
Wait.
Jeff:
Yeah?
Casey:
Granted, this show is not so great with the science for lack of discussion. What is propelling this thing into the air at that fashion? The lava would have to be erupting out of the volcano at this point, in which case the whole story is shot.
Jeff:
I have no idea. I just thought it landed very gently, it landed standing up, and it was fine. It was ejected in the air, landed in their bathroom. Look, it had been four months, it really has to go. It’s been four months.
Casey:
It’s like, I can’t hold it. You want a lava flow — you want an eruption. . . we’ve got one right here.
Jeff:
I will give you your data, right. You can have your data, give me 15 minutes and a magazine. I have some lava to drop.
Casey:
Exactly. We have a huge magma displacement that needs to get taken care of.
Jeff:
So it’s in the bathroom. Toilet paper flies.
Casey:
Now, fortunately. . .
Jeff:
This is where the toilet paper appears.
Casey:
These people who we don’t know who they are apparently A) completely unfazed by the fact that a fucking, basically, UFO has appeared in their outhouse essentially, magically, seemingly.
Jeff:
Yeah, one of them walks out thoughtfully with a pipe and says something like “It’s military.”
Casey:
They are both unfazed, and they go right to concerned for the fact that this means the military will be coming for it. The deduction is immediate. It looks like military, I guess they’ll be coming for it. Scene. End scene, at that point.
Jeff:
The crazy man hits it with the hammer.
Casey:
To try to shut it off I guess.
Jeff:
It’s the most effeminate hammering. It’s like clink. Hit with the hammer. It’s the only magma buoy prop we’ve made. Don’t damage the prop. It’s important for the rest of the movie. Again, like that earlier episode where they’re handing stuff around all the time, the magma buoy changes hands a lot.
Casey:
But it’s a giant piece of Styrofoam so what’s actually happening there he is just vaguely moving his hand up and down, and somebody off stage is like wailing on a cowbell. Clank, clank, clank, because it sounded like a cowbell. It didn’t really sound like he was hitting like a tank. It wasn’t a deep, reverberating. It was kind of like clank, clank, clank. It was like some kind of a. . .
Jeff:
Cut back to the Seaquest.
Casey:
Cut back to the Seaquest. They’re like, we’ve got to go pick up the magma buoy.
Jeff:
But first, before that happens, the captain is going on vacation.
Casey:
He is going on vacation.
Jeff:
And because this show is about — this particular one is about letting your underlings grow into their place. . .
Casey:
Right, you think there’s a theme, a microcosmic theme in a number of places here.
Jeff:
As the captain who is going on vacation with the little boy, right? They need some alone time with each other. Now one of the Seaquest crew. . .
Casey:
That was the provisioning officer.
Jeff:
Attempts to slide a piece of paper to the child.
Casey:
The whiz kid, the genius boy.
Jeff:
Right, go to this address, ask for Candy, she’ll take care of you.
Casey:
Right, now you’d think that Jeff is saying some shit here because we’re making fun of the show. That’s what he said. He said ask for Candy.
Jeff:
He, right then. . .
Casey:
He’s giving a 16 year old a prostitute, basically. Let’s come right out and say it. He’s trying to hook up the kid with a prostitute because he thinks the kid needs to get laid. Granted, he’s correct.
Jeff:
Right, that is totally true.
Casey:
There are no women on the Seaquest who aren’t like 25. This kid’s 16. He’s trying to get with Hitchcock, it’s not working.
Jeff:
All the time. No, it’s terrible.
Casey:
The science officer girl’s too old for him I guess, because that’d be like all 30+ on underage action, and that’s a statutory problem right there.
Jeff:
Now you’d think that’s kind of like whoa, that’s weird. The captain steps in, and at this point you’re like oh, he’s going to save him. He takes it and says how old is she? And he replies 43.
Casey:
Right. But she has a 16 year old daughter.
Jeff:
But she has a 16 year old daughter prostitute, apparently. They’re a mother/daughter prostitute team.
Casey:
Team. At which point, you’d think he’d be like whatever. He unfolds the fucking paper and he’s like, excellent.
Jeff:
Excellent, this will work. There’s one for each of us.
Casey:
When I thought you were just giving the 16 year old a prostitute that was bullshit, where’s my tail?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
It turns out both bases were covered. He’s like we’re all about this. Best shore leave later, where my shirts? Comes into play later by the way.
Jeff:
He asks for this.
Casey:
Anyway, they go off to Hawaii I believe is where they’re going. Meanwhile..
Jeff:
Now the new captain — the acting captain. . .
Casey:
The acting captain, who’s normally the first lieutenant or whatever. Whatever the fuck you call it, first mate. I don’t fucking know.
Jeff:
He calls the commander somewhere and says listen, we now see the buoy.
Casey:
He calls like Yulio central command. We see the buoy.
Jeff:
They then talk to him, they patch them in to the jolly, grumpy geologist.
Casey:
The jolly geologist from the beginning, the four months earlier guy.
Jeff:
In a cab.
Casey:
But it’s a space cab. It’s like a space cab or something.
Jeff:
It has a view looking up into his crotch and into his face.
Casey:
Because you wouldn’t mount the camera up higher or anything.
Jeff:
And even then, why is there a camera in the cab? He’s grumpy, he’s pissed at this moment. At this point he has no data about the magma probe.
Casey:
None whatsoever.
Jeff:
But he’s highly agitated because he intuits that there’s going to be an eruption.
Casey:
Somehow he already knows that the data from the magma buoy is going to indicate that there’s going to be an eruption. It is not explained why he knows that.
Jeff:
And it’s going to release the energy of at least a hydrogen bomb.
Casey:
Dun dun dun!
Jeff:
Commercial break.
Casey:
Commercial break.
Jeff:
We come back. The crazy man’s in a tree.
Casey:
And also, just to underscore what Jeff is saying. This whole scene with him in the cab is shot basically like, you know when somebody doesn’t totally get the webcam thing and it’s built into their laptop so you’re always kind of looking up their nostrils, right? And they’re not looking at the screen properly. That’s what this is.
Jeff:
He’s yelling at the cab driver. Do you even speak English?
Casey:
He’s yelling at the cab driver, it’s a disaster.
Jeff:
Do you know? I’m trying to get to the Seaquest. You don’t go there? Wait, I know, go take the belt ray, all that. It’s a hydrogen bomb.
Casey:
This is bullshit. I’m not paying for this extra mileage.
Jeff:
Exactly. You’re not getting a tip. Giuliani says I might have rights as a passenger. Anyway, it cuts after the hydrogen bomb. It cuts back when they come back from commercial. They’re back on the island with the four geologists.
Casey:
They’ve done a beach landing, basically.
Jeff:
Not there first. First it goes back to the people. And the lunatic is sitting in a tree in what looks to be pieces they got from the Gilligan’s island set. It is the worst tree on the worst set, and he’s watching for the military that is coming. He’s like I am on it. It’s been a while, he knows the military’s coming. He’s upset. He’s going to kill them when they come. That’s their big plan.
Casey:
He believes he’s going to blow up something. It wasn’t clear exactly what, but he was going to try to trap them.
Jeff:
But he’s crazy. He’s got the island crazy. I don’t know, he’s been drinking fermented coconut juice.
Casey:
I think they did kind of suggest he wasn’t always crazy, he lost his mind. Perhaps they were saying at one point, he isn’t any longer. Anyway.
Jeff:
They do try to explain his insanity, which we’ll get to. At this point they make a discovery.
Casey:
They are digging a hole. He’s in a tree, they’re in a hole. In fact there’s some disagreement about whether he should be helping, where he thinks it’s more valuable to be looking out for the military.
Jeff:
And sitting with the coconuts.
Casey:
It is not addressed at any point in time.
Jeff:
Again, he’s sitting in a palm tree, or coconut tree. You’d think he’s way up there. He’s ten feet off the ground.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s barely elevated.
Jeff:
It’s like, this is so. . .
Casey:
If there was any other palm tree, he wouldn’t be able to see.
Jeff:
There’s no ladder.
Casey:
It’s not a lookout.
Jeff:
He didn’t do those things where they climb up there. He just like jumped up to the top of the palm tree.
Casey:
To be fair, I’m not sure what he was sitting on because palm trees don’t have limbs.
Jeff:
His view from the palm tree, he’s ten feet off the ground.
Casey:
Palm trees don’t have limbs, so I wonder what he’s on.
Jeff:
He made some Gilligan chair. It’s from the professor.
Casey:
I don’t fucking know.
Jeff:
It was amazing.
Casey:
Anyway, at this point they’re digging in the hole. At no point was it actually addressed why the military would interfere with what they’re doing.
Jeff:
Right, why do they give it a shot?
Casey:
It is essentially stated as fact they do not want the military to find them because then the military will stop them from doing what they’re doing, even though at no time even at the end of the episode will we ever hear any explanation of why they thought that to be true.
Jeff:
What we have now is two parallel stories. The story that’s happening on the quest.
Casey:
Well, three actually.
Jeff:
One’s completely off camera.
Casey:
We don’t get to see the part with the prostitutes, which frankly is the only part I’d be interested in.
Jeff:
We have one with the Seaquest and the angry professor who’s very tense about an explosion. We have another one where they’re stressed about the military that’s presumably coming. Remember, neither one of them knows these events are going to happen so every bit of drama’s in their imagination. They’re all seeing the future somehow.
Casey:
The other thing that’s important to note here, is at this point, let me tell you what I was thinking. I was like well, okay, that probe must be really heavy because otherwise they would probably just move it somewhere and then problem solved. It’s like if the probe’s on the other side of the island, or they throw it in the ocean and let it wash away because it’s a fucking buoy, let’s remind ourselves. It floats in lava, maybe it doesn’t float in lava. It’s a different density I guess.
Jeff:
We know it floats because it was made of fucking Styrofoam.
Casey:
The prop certainly floats. Whether or not the fictional device floats. Well, nothing in this fiction holds water, I’ll tell you that right now, so I guess it would float is the answer. Anyway, point being, they’re digging through this hole. They come across a major discovery apparently.
Jeff:
They find some desk.
Casey:
No, they find the nameplate that went on a desk.
Jeff:
And they’re like oh my God, this is the Holy Grail. It’s France’s crown jewels, and Frances Bacon’s writing.
Casey:
The plays of Frances Bacon.
Jeff:
You wouldn’t think they’d be in the same things, but you know sometimes, when it’s a time capsule, it’s also like what the fuck is France’s crown jewels doing in Polynesia?
Casey:
Well, okay, hold on a second. Let’s keep something else in mind here. Hold on a second, because nothing about this works, alright?
Jeff:
This is black birds.
Casey:
It’s supposed to be Blackbeard’s. He was a pirate.
Jeff:
Blackbeard’s. But his number one or something, it wasn’t even Blackbeard.
Casey:
It wasn’t, it was his assistant. Blackbeard’s assistant. Sounds like some kind of band name. Blackbeard’s assistant, they’re playing on Friday. They’re great, I love all their albums. Scurvy is the best album. So problem number one.
Jeff:
We need Fruit. B-side.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Citrus enema. So anyway, you’re on a boat. You’re on a galleon.
Jeff:
I’m on a boat, motherfucker.
Casey:
Sailing the high seas. I’m imagining that first of all, Blackbeard at all probably didn’t do a lot of stationary work. I’m just guessing. I’m guessing here.
Jeff:
Perhaps a big quill.
Casey:
So I’m wondering how many desks there were on this particular vessel, which leads me to sort of the gravamen here, which is why would you need a placard to mark whose desk it was on Blackbeard’s ship? Was there a lot of confusion? Was it like Les Nessman? All these fucking pirates be stepping into my cubicle.
Jeff:
they keep messing my stuff up.
Casey:
That’s my fucking stapler, asshole.
Jeff:
If you read Blackbeard’s journal, January 1st, I think someone’s been selling my desk. All my papers are gone.
Casey:
Got back to the desk today. . . don’t remember leaving that gold-encrusted compass open.
Jeff:
Someone’s been in here.
Casey:
Suspect like. . .
Jeff:
Mutiny.
Casey:
Exactly. So anyway, I guess at some point when they were at port, they’re like we’re going to solve this problem. Everybody’s desk gets a tag. There’s going to be a placard on every desk. I don’t want to hear more about it.
Jeff:
Ship wide rule. Nobody sits at anybody else’s desk. And your area starts at the end of the desk. You don’t put stuff on other peoples’ desk. You don’t sit your laptop down and use somebody else’s desk. You stay on your own desk.
Casey:
I realize most of you people don’t know how to spell your own names. I realize most of you people can’t read. Not my problem, get used to recognizing the general shape of your partners’ names and your name and don’t fuck it up or you’re walking the plank. So that happened apparently. Second thing that happened that seems unlikely. Stealing France’s crown jewels? Okay. That’s the kind of thing a pirate’s doing. Why the crown jewels were on the ocean at some point in a boat, unclear. Let’s say that’s fine.
Jeff:
Say you’re the messenger. You go in, king of France.
Casey:
Oh, it’s when we were transferring the crown jewels from the throne room to Britain? I guess it was raided maybe or something. I can’t remember what it was. It’s fine. Let’s believe that happened. The British navy, they sacked France’s capital, they took the crown jewels back.
Jeff:
It’s worth a billion dollars. If they make the plan, it’s worth a billion dollars.
Casey:
Here’s what I don’t understand. The plays of Frances Bacon. So you’re telling me these pirates were like fucking thespians or something. They’re like oh, I want that. Let’s bury that with the crown jewels.
Jeff:
Let’s get that, and importantly, let’s not mess them up. Because they were very carefully. . .
Casey:
We find that out later. But anyway, point being, apparently the plays of Frances Bacon were not only in the treasure, but the pirates Blackbeard and so on, being the patrons of the arts that they were, obviously went through such pains to announce this fact that these archaeologists or whatever the fuck they were in the future somehow found a record of the fact. Blackbeard wrote it down. Plays of Frances Bacon, LOL, you’re halfway through, it’s great. I had some of the men put one on, it’s delightful. Going to throw it in the chest with the crown jewels.
Jeff:
No, that’s the thing. They were doing inventory at the end of the month like they always do, and they’re writing it down, then they’re like bottles of rum, 27. Doubloons, 500. Frances Bacon plays, 23. Then somebody found that somewhere and were fuck, we need to get that. Those plays are considered priceless. The other things are worth a billion dollars, yet the plays are considered priceless.
Casey:
Somehow they cannot appraise the plays of Frances Bacon.
Jeff:
They gave it to Southerbees and they said I don’t know what to do with this. Blackbeard, I don’t know.
Casey:
I guess since Frances Bacon was not French, that helps clear up the fact that it does sound like it was a British raid that got intercepted. I’m trying to reconstruct their back-story, I don’t know what it was. But it seems like Frances Bacon probably wasn’t hanging out with the crown jewels at some point.
Jeff:
It was a dare. Like when fraternities steal other things.
Casey:
Bet you can’t steal the crown jewels of France. Bet you I can.
Jeff:
Anyway, at this point we get the Seaquest back involved and they land on the island.
Casey:
Yes, a launch they call it. They call it a launch.
Jeff:
Now immediately one of them takes his shirt off.
Casey:
Of all the people on Seaquest who could take his shirt off, he was number four in people I don’t want to see, and he takes it off.
Jeff:
He puts on sunscreen. He’s so hairy, it’s not hitting the skin. It’s just making his chest hair glisten. I don’t need to see the glisten.
Casey:
But he’s full on pale.
Jeff:
He’s full on pale. The director, the scientist, very angry at this point. James Earl Jones will not stand for this.
Casey:
And neither will I.
Jeff:
And I won’t either. Put your shirt back on, there’s some discussion. They’re all like chill, motherfucker.
Casey:
The military command is telling him don’t worry, I let my men take their shirts off to get a tan while they’re on duty.
Jeff:
Exactly. Because I run a tight ship.
Casey:
Nobody said how he had the guard base, is what they said. So if he had just gotten down to a Speedo, so it’s like him, a gun and his junk with the supplies, and they’re like what’s the problem? It’s like flex time for the military now. I don’t care when he gets it done, as long as it’s done by the deadline. It’s fine.
Jeff:
Don’t ask, don’t tell. They’re in a submarine by themselves all the time. They’re like I’m sick of looking at these pale guys, let’s tan them up.
Casey:
Let’s sun it up.
Jeff:
It’s going to be better for everyone. At this point, our treasure hunters realize somebody’s on the island.
Casey:
Presumably because of the crazy lookout guy. He sees in the tree with his binoculars from ten feet up.
Jeff:
Shorter than a ladder, spies through his little eyes, I see at the high sea.
Casey:
I see a launch. I see a marine landing. Let’s also pause to say one thing here. One thing they make clear at the opening of every Seaquest is man has colonized the oceans. He has colonized them. We’ve never seen that, but let’s just take it on their word they’ve colonized them. Chances are you would not colonize the oceans unless there’s nowhere left to live, yet here we are on an uninhabitable, fully sustainable, beautiful, tropical island a few hours from Hawaii.
Jeff:
With plumbing. There is a bathroom.
Casey:
There’s a fucking bathroom with toilet tissue. Where they got the tissue, I have no idea. Apparently there’s a Wal-Mart in addition to everything else on this island. That’s fine, not addressed. Point being, this island was apparently unnoticed. Blackbeard knew about it, it was on his sea chart I guess, but somehow satellite didn’t pick it up. Sorry about that.
Jeff:
At this point our four intrepid treasure hunters go we’re fucked.
Casey:
We’re screwed.
Jeff:
So what they decide to do at this point.
Casey:
As soon as they find this buoy, they’re going to want some of this Frances Bacon play treasure or something.
Jeff:
They think they’re going to find it, so their idea is we need to move the buoy.
Casey:
Like I said, wait, I don’t get it.
Jeff:
At this point starts a chase scene. They tip the buoy over, it’s great big, onto a stretcher. The Italian guy’s on the back, lunatic’s on the front, and they run through the jungle. If you play the Benny Hill theme it would seem less absurd.
Casey:
I was just going to say that. I was just going to say that. I was thinking like three stooges.
Jeff:
What the fuck is going on!
Casey:
It’s like Larry and Curley with Moe on the stretcher in some hospital scene.
Jeff:
What would happen in that? They’d probably drop the buoy.
Casey:
And they do.
Jeff:
They drop the buoy. They stop, they roll it back on and then they run some more. All of this is going on.
Casey:
If only it could’ve been played at 2x speed, it was perfect.
Jeff:
Two guys are playing the buoy. You have a woman and an old man and two guys carrying what seems like a heavy buoy. The Seaquest team apparently doesn’t work out in the summer, because they can’t catch up.
Casey:
It’s a submarine. They don’t have room to exercise.
Jeff:
They stop in the middle of the chase when one of them picks up a can of dog food.
Casey:
You forgot one very important scene, actually.
Jeff:
Fuck me.
Casey:
This is the worst fucking show. Who writes this garbage? Who writes this garbage.
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Somebody got paid for this. Steven Spielberg was in charge of this. Jesus Christ. Here’s the thing. And his reputation is intact. He’s not down with the ship, so to speak.
Jeff:
He survived this. He didn’t go down.
Casey:
People still think of him as a great director producer. It’s like what the fuck, he should be blacklisted for this. He should never work in that town again. Anyway, here’s the thing. Before this, before the chase.
Jeff:
Which I can’t stress how absurd, by the way.
Casey:
When the buoy starts moving, the Seaquest team has a tracking device. They notice the buoy is moving. They spring into action. This buoy’s so light that humans can carry it around trivially nearly at speed, it could not be rolling down something or being pushed around by anything. They leap right to, and I shit you not, they’re like. . . we are assuming — they radio HQ — we are assuming a 3rd party has taken the beacon, and we’re treating them as terrorists. Not hostile, terrorists.
Jeff:
We have no idea why the buoy. All it is, is the buoy.
Casey:
It’s the magma buoy.
Jeff:
It’s a scientific thing. It’s okay to fall into someone else’s hands.
Casey:
It already landed in a fucking bathroom and nobody died, so how terrifying is that at the end of the day?
Jeff:
The magma buoy is classified. They cannot say what it is to anybody.
Casey:
To anybody. Because the instant somebody knows that they’ve got a buoy that can read how much lava there is somewhere, that’s going to upset the balance of power. Oh boy.
Jeff:
They say something about the buoy being taken for ransom, and I’m like, that’s kind of what’s going on. They’re running away with your buoy. They have apparently three guns. They’re always handing the gun to each other. They’re like you take the gun, you take the gun.
Casey:
To be clear, it’s the Seaquest DSV team that has the guns. They kind of are like these big, over-the-shoulder machine guns they’re passing around. At one point someone ends up with two because there’s some kind of gap. They didn’t plan out the shot quite right and somebody ends up with two. He’s like, what the fuck.
Jeff:
The guy comes running up carrying two guns, and you’re like whoa. Later on, they actually explain the guns don’t work outdoors. So we don’t know what they were doing with the guns. They change in the same episode. The carry guns around and shoot it in the ground. Later on they say the guns don’t work. Yet they do, they shot them 20 minutes ago.
Casey:
I don’t think that’s what they were talking about. I think they were talking about some non-lethal weapon, trying to subdue people.
Jeff:
Okay, alright. I don’t know.
Casey:
It doesn’t matter. The important part here is I can’t conceive of the terrorist act. Because terrorism, we have a definition of that. It’s an act against a civilian designed to inspire fear. That’s the definition of the term. It’s always been the definition of the term, as far as I know. As long as I can remember. I’m like, it’s a scientific buoy and they’re moving it. Who is going to be afraid of that?
Jeff:
I can’t imagine. Here comes Al Qaeda, and they have a bomb on a stretcher and you see them run into a building, and right, with the sound, then they bump it into the wall and it doesn’t trigger at first, then it’s like boom. Boom. It’s ridiculous. Again, all the characters are acting as if they know what’s going to happen later in the episode. The screenwriting’s amazing.
Casey:
Well, no they don’t. Not when it’s convenient, because if they knew what was going to happen later in the episode, they wouldn’t have felt the need to move the buoy because the Seaquest team never interrupts their digging. They never actually do that. So they are imagining things that don’t actually happen even though they have no cause to imagine it. Here’s the other deal. I’m just picturing in my head, right, it’s like oh my God, my kids, I’m going to have to go in and explain to them why they’re having nightmares about someone moving your buoy. Don’t let fear. . . whatever, just be prepared. Tell them all this bullshit. What’s the buoy level? We’re at buoy level orange. I don’t know.
Jeff:
The only fear we have to fear is the buoy itself.
Casey:
All the people of the coastguard who ever went wrong and moved a buoy. I have no idea, none whatsoever. Anyway, point being, they move this buoy. They drop it. They run for their lives. The Seaquest team eventually catches up to them.
Jeff:
Right, because eventually after chasing the buoy around, they just set it down and then run away.
Casey:
They just set it down and run away. Apparently that was far enough. They thought they’d gotten it far enough, let’s say. When the Sea Quest DSV team catches up to them, they stumble upon the explanation for something that we didn’t actually give a shit about but they’re going to explain anyway, which is why the dude is crazy. They end at the grave of his dog.
Jeff:
Walter Ohio.
Casey:
Walter Ohio. And they explain that’s the crazy guy’s dog. I guess he went crazy because he lost his dog, I guess.
Jeff:
That was the reason for all that? I had no idea why they were doing that. I was like maybe it’s the screenwriter’s dog and I need to get it out.
Casey:
That’s a very good point. It could be. I don’t know, I don’t have an explanation. All I know is, for some reason, because the dog is never mentioned again, it was never mentioned previously, there’s just a grave for the dog and we show up there.
Jeff:
At this point we flash cut. Apparently now at this point, the treasure hunters could’ve said nothing. They could’ve said we were afraid, we don’t understand. There’s none of that. They cut right back and the Italian guy’s handing the desk placard to the guy and he’s like I give up and tells him the whole thing. Immediately they’re like we give up and they spill the whole thing.
Casey:
We’re treasure hunters. We’re trying to find this guy’s thing. Plays of Frances Bacon. Crown jewels of France. Did I leave anything out? No thanks, we’ve pretty much got that.
Jeff:
The Seaquest guys go you’re in imminent peril, you need to leave. They say we want to stay, they go alright, see you. And they leave. All the chasing, all the time pressure. . .
Casey:
All irrelevant.
Jeff:
They just left. The resolve of the conflict was high five and they left. I think they shake hands even. I think there was a shake hands.
Casey:
They did shake hands. They’re like, alright then. They leave, the dudes decide to keep digging.
Jeff:
One of the reasons they kept digging, is they said why do we have to leave? They’re like you’re in imminent peril. Why? I can’t tell you. The buoy is secret so the facts of the buoy, about some secret eruption, are also secret.
Casey:
Right. It’s like the classified transitive property. If A is classified and B is classified then C is classified is A is classified.
Jeff:
Something like that. I’m confused, it’s late.
Casey:
It’s very late.
Jeff:
They go back to the Seaquest. The professor, at this point, I think downloads the data. At first it sounds like the data he gets back. . .
Casey:
It’s not working.
Jeff:
It’s kind of a song.
Casey:
So he plugs in a cable.
Jeff:
USB probably.
Casey:
Well it’s fiber optic I believe, because it lights up. Now in the future, the best they were able to do with fiber optic technology is a cable that shits light everywhere. So it’s like the worst fiber optic cable of all time. This is a disaster, I don’t know how any bits are getting through here, a lot of error correcting I guess.
Jeff:
They plug it in.
Casey:
They plug it in. Everything lights up.
Jeff:
The device driver for your device is not installed.
Casey:
He’s like bloop, bloop, bloop. The data’s not coming through. It’s staticcy. It’s the data, it’s just kind of staticcy a little bit like it’s analog all of a sudden. Maybe that’s another problem with the fiber optics is they were still sending it across analogs. Like oops, hadn’t thought of that digital encoding thing back in 1992. So anyway, they start looking at it and he’s like ah, I’ve got the data. And the data turns out to be basically like a wireframe flythrough of what looks like a tunnel with some floating shit in it.
Jeff:
It’s like Tempest 2000.
Casey:
It’s more like the trench run from the original Star Wars. Really bad animating vector graphics. Now mind you, it is an entire 16 years after the trench run sequence was rendered, so you would think they would step it up a notch. And yet it looks pre-Tron to me.
Jeff:
He screams I did it!
Casey:
I did it! Nobel prize, maybe!
Jeff:
Nobel Prize, motherfucker!
Casey:
He’s like the Ocho-Cinco of scientists. He is doing like a celebration dance. He’s got a sombrero on. He’s like, how do you like me now bitch science officer? Oh yeah. You like that? That’s basically what’s happening.
Jeff:
It’s the most awkward celebration I’ve ever seen. They gave him some leeway. They said try some things, just go nuts. He tried it.
Casey:
He was out there. Method acting.
Jeff:
They cut back for no reason. I wrote this specifically, to Darwin the document.
Casey:
This was a tease.
Jeff:
Totally. They gave us Darwin blue balls. Because you said at this point, I like this development.
Casey:
Basically the head of the military division, the crew officer or whatever you call him, is playing catch with Darwin the dolphin. He’s throwing a little thing and Darwin brings it back. They do this over and over. Eventually Darwin’s like get it yourself. And I’m not making that up. He literally says something like that.
Jeff:
Get it yourself. And you’re like, he has a sarcastic voice sounding on the synthesizer so it sounds like what a little bitch.
Casey:
Darwin the bitchy dolphin.
Jeff:
The other thing is he’s the head of security for all of Seaquest.
Casey:
Playing catch with a dolphin.
Jeff:
When the 16 year old boy leaves so there’s nobody there to play with the dolphin, that’s the head of security’s job. That’s where you are in the totem pole.
Casey:
The 16-year old boy tells you to play with the dolphin.
Jeff:
And you do. You’re his bitch. There is no method. . .
Casey:
And now he’s even the dolphin’s bitch, because the dolphin won’t even play catch anymore. At that point you have to question his ability to give an authoritative command, when the dolphin is telling him to go fetch the plaything. So at this point, also just to remind you, we have no idea how the sex is going. Richard and Jonathan or whatever his name are, are presumably getting crazy laid in fucking Hawaii of all places by some super-fucking hot. . .
Jeff:
They’re going to down.
Casey:
Maybe half-Asian or something because it’s awesome, it’s exotic. And we’re watching some fucking magma buoy and Blackbeard’s bullshit doubloon stage prop treasure.
Jeff:
The two stories you see are the totally non-interesting ones.
Casey:
Totally non-interesting ones. I could not care less about a single Goddamn one of them.
Jeff:
Now at this point the scientist makes a discovery.
Casey:
Which does not bode well.
Jeff:
He says the island will be destroyed. The science officer says we’ve measured some, what did they call it, enlarging of the ground?
Casey:
Swelling.
Jeff:
Swelling.
Casey:
It’s been swell, but the swelling’s gone down as they say.
Jeff:
Swelling. So she says I think it’s going to blow up in ten hours. The scientist says precisely ten hours. They say that, and you’re like why are they being so clear about ten hours? That becomes clear later.
Casey:
Now remind yourselves that this is a situation where they have never, ever used this technology before. This is the first time it’s been fired. They have no calibration data. They just fired it into a thing, and off they go. They’re talking about seismic activity from a lava flow. They have no way. . . the buoy only sends that shaft. It can’t tell what the structural situation is.
Jeff:
Dude, that buoy.
Casey:
They’re like ten hours precisely. Don’t worry about it.
Jeff:
He looks at his watch if I remember.
Casey:
Ten hours precisely, right? Not to mention the fact that, what is it, did he wait just the extra minute and thirty seconds so he could say ten hours precisely? At the beep it will be ten hours precisely. Bong! I guess he did. So now, we’ve got a situation where it’s like fuck. We’ve got to get those people off the island in ten hours if we want to try and save them.
Jeff:
Without telling them, because the first officer is racked with guilt. He keeps going to high command saying we need to tell them about the buoy. I don’t know why, he could say you’re going to be killed. That’s enough.
Casey:
Or I’m going to shoot you. Here’s what’s going to happen, I’m going to shoot all of you. You’re in the middle of a desert island, what are you going to do, report me? No one knows you’re here, no one cares if you’re here because your whole fucking family’s here in the first place. The dog’s already dead, so this isn’t some Lassie bullshit where he’s going to run over to high command. Darwin the dolphin doesn’t show up for the rest of the episode. That could happen. They go through great pains to explain that no, that can’t happen. They’re like, I don’t know, it’s pretty hard to hit a moving target with a tranquilizer dart. Actually, most of the time, that’s what you hit tranquilizer darts with otherwise you’d use a needle. Right? Doesn’t matter. That’s fine, not addressed. Also the fact that they easily rounded them up with weapons before, not addressed. None of these are problems.
Jeff:
So what happens now is the acting captain and the scientist decide to go to the island themselves, all by themselves, and make an impassioned plea. Right?
Casey:
We can sway them. We can sway them with the power of words. Which by the way is something the writers for Seaquest know nothing about, just for the record.
Jeff:
They go there, they try to convince them, it doesn’t work. Finally the main man says to the main treasure hunter, come with me. Pulls him aside, says I’ve been chasing something my whole life. You’re going to get blown up. I violated a sacred trust.
Casey:
Nobody really has any idea what they’re talking about. I have no idea.
Jeff:
So the treasure hunter goes okay, we’ll leave. That was the debate. Awesome. At this point, the crazy man who’s in the tree says the line. Someone says it’s priceless. The works of Frances Bacon are priceless. He says you can’t use that to buy a jeep at your local dealership.
Casey:
He does not. Did he say that seriously?
Jeff:
I said did you hear that product placement? You were mystery sciencing. He says you can’t use that to buy a jeep at your local dealership. It’s the most awkward product placement.
Casey:
What the fuck.
Jeff:
Again, they’re on an uninhabited island. There are no jeep dealerships.
Casey:
Right. It’s unclear what you’d do with a jeep.
Jeff:
What kind of jeep is there? By the way, here in 2010, Chrysler went the fuck under. There’s no jeeps. We’re done with jeeps.
Casey:
Which is why even if you had the plays of Frances Bacon, you would be unable to trade them for a jeep because there aren’t any. It could be a used jeep. How many plays of Frances Bacon do you need for a used jeep? Personally I wouldn’t trade my jeep for the plays of Frances Bacon in the first place because they suck, but that’s beside the point.
Jeff:
At this point they’re like let’s get the fuck out. We’ll pack up your shit. They hear an explosion. Where’s the crazy man? I don’t know where he is. He’s blown up the launch. They’re stuck on the island. The scientist says contact Seaquest. He’s like we can’t, the radio was in the launch.
Casey:
I left the radio in my other pants.
Jeff:
At this point we now understand why you’re not the captain. You went by yourself with an old man.
Casey:
With an old fat guy.
Jeff:
To convince more people to leave. You failed that and got your fucking ship blown up. You’re fucking fired. Screw the Kobayashi Maru, you failed to get the four people off the island without getting your own ship blown up. There were not Klingon people decloaking at the neutral zone. This is one crazy lunatic with dynamite to launch, while you’re talking about the plays of Frances Bacon and jeeps. You’re fucking fired, right? Just fired. You’re relieved of your duties.
Casey:
That’s awesome.
Jeff:
You’re going to exercise the dolphin. When you get back, that’s your new position.
Casey:
I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but your midyear review, we’re going to have some things to discuss in here.
Jeff:
When you went back to the island with only one person and you took your eyes off the launch, that wasn’t a good move was it?
Casey:
Probably not the best move of all time.
Jeff:
At this point, the group realizes they’re fucked. They go down to sit on the beach in this awkward scene where they’re all sitting next to each other, but not in that way. You’ve got four people that are trying to be in frame, and they’re all laying there all weird kind of turned towards each other. At this point the Italian kind of springs a little doozy on us.
Casey:
This was like we’ve got to get the human element in here. We’ve got to get love.
Jeff:
Five minutes before the fucking show’s over.
Casey:
Because we’re almost at the end here. Just to sum it up, everyone’s doomed. The launch has been exploded. There’s no way for them to get off the island. The only radio was back at the launch.
Jeff:
So they’re all sitting on the beach, just look.
Casey:
Mind you, let’s also point out the sort of obvious fact that hasn’t been addressed the entire time. Suppose they had found this treasure earlier. How, pray tell, were they going to get off the island at that point? Apparently there’s no ship. Apparently there’s no radio. So I’m not sure what they thought they were going to do with the treasure except walk around with gold which cannot be exchanged for anything unless the Wal-Mart that sells the toilet tissue takes doubloons, which maybe it does. I don’t know. Sam Walton probably would if he had his way. That’s probably what people would have to pay with.
Jeff:
Now at your final movements, they’re all doomed.
Casey:
They’re all doomed. They’re sitting on the beach. They know they have no future.
Jeff:
The Italian turns.
Casey:
Because he’s passionate. He’s Italian.
Jeff:
He’s a passionate Italian. And when you’re about to die — when you’re about to die, your thoughts turn to love. And in fact with the Italian, they turned to the daughter of the scientist. Not the scientist, but the treasure hunter.
Casey:
Mole raging.
Jeff:
And says I’ve loved you since the first hole we dug together.
Casey:
I love a woman who can dig a good hole. I don’t mind saying it.
Jeff:
First off, any Italian worth his weight in hair product would’ve had a way better line. He would’ve been working on how to fuck that girl a long time ago.
Casey:
Here’s a pro-tip, because they said they’ve been on this island for years actually. It’s one girl of prime breading age. Her old father, a lunatic and you. And you can’t score? At that point, you’re done. You are done.
Jeff:
Wait. Would you love me if we were the last people on a deserted island? She said no. I did not expect that. I have to say, everything else was so hackney in this script, the fact that at least she went. . . she made this awkward meh.
Casey:
I can’t lie to you is what she said. He asks her to lie, like just lie. I just want to hear you say that you love me.
Jeff:
He starts going into full pathetic mode. Tell me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me. I’m like dude, I know why you’re not getting any. You’re pathetic.
Casey:
Nice guy syndrome.
Jeff:
Mind you, they’re all sitting together. So it cuts to the other faces, and you just expect one of them to go awkward, because that’s where you’re going because this is ridiculous.
Casey:
We should also mention at this point, many hours have passed. Like six hours have passed on this island here. No one has brought up the fact that the outhouse got destroyed by the probe. So I don’t know where they’re going to the bathroom, but it’s around.
Jeff:
As long you bury your stuff it’s fine.
Casey:
Point being. Here we are, poor guy gets shot down.
Jeff:
It’s cold. She is cold.
Casey:
And this is not addressed later.
Jeff:
The old man takes this point to say the years went by so fast. I didn’t see you grow up.
Casey:
I guess he missed the mole.
Jeff:
At this point, you’re like wait. She just dumped the dude. She’s like, you know what? I never really loved you dad. She’s going to just piss off everybody. I’m surprised she didn’t go I’m sleeping with the lunatic, dad. How do you like that? Takes her top off and runs out.
Casey:
Into the ocean.
Jeff:
Wow, I really did a shitty job raising her. Anyway, at this point. . .
Casey:
She’s kind of a gold digger.
Jeff:
She is. We flashback to the Seaquest, where they have made a discovery that’s important. The probe apparently had the windows 98 problem where the leap year wasn’t handled correctly one year.
Casey:
Well, it might be 2072, I don’t know what the year is. I don’t know where we are right now. Could be.
Jeff:
They realize sea command, call Seaquest and go by the way, your fucking probe is two hours off. Early or late? Early or late? And they go early. I’m trying to do the gymnastics in my head. Which way is bad? If it’s early, they have an extra two hours. I don’t know.
Casey:
It depends on if they mean the data or what the data was marked as. It could be either.
Jeff:
They go early, early. Don’t say it’s early. It is early. Oh, fuck. And so. . .
Casey:
So we just assume because we’re good viewers, it’s going to blow up sooner.
Jeff:
At this point there’s no drama because we left the people on the island to die. We think they’re dead. The people on the ship think they’re alive and fine, so now they think they’re dead for another reason. They don’t detect that the launch has been blown up or anything. They just go oh fuck, dude to some Timex problem they’re going to be blown up. And now due to conflicting. . . they both have different sets of data.
Casey:
Dipshit had the sign the wrong way on his daylight savings time code or some shit. So he’s two hours off.
Jeff:
Why did they bring in the time change? They could’ve said the launch was blown up, we can’t get there in time. They decided to have them both have a different mental model of why they’re going to die. At this point, the science officer on the Seaquest, because the acting captain fucked up and is on the ocean. He’s laying down in the land. He’s just like leaning back, oh we’re fucked.
Casey:
Because that can-do attitude that led to them having one single lunatic with some dynamite ruin their entire operation. He’s just like fuck it.
Jeff:
He’s speaking in tongues. He’s lost it.
Casey:
He’s like I never really wanted this job, it’s fine.
Jeff:
So the science officer takes control and starts. . .
Casey:
Finally someone gets some jobs, and she’s like you know what? Here’s what we’re going to do.
Jeff:
Let me see the vector. Let me see the trench run again. Shoot right here. No explanation, shoot right here. She’s like we can’t fire our weapons. She’s like shoot. We are not authorized to fire our weapons. She says shoot. All of a sudden, Seaquest command pipes in. Apparently they can press a button and just cut in.
Casey:
Mind you, when the guy comes on the screen, it’s like he’s looking through some bad porthole. Even though it’s a video screen, he’s like squinting and shifting his head around and doing all this shit.
Jeff:
Imagine you’re looking at a computer and it’s a video of something. When you move your head, the view doesn’t change. They don’t map the camera control. It’s not a Wii visual thing.
Casey:
It’s not a head-mounted tracking display.
Jeff:
He’s like what the fuck, why are you at red alert? What, you’re going to shoot the ocean? Effectively they’re going to shoot the ground.
Casey:
It really is, the demeanor of this guy is like he was walking by a little window into Seaquest, saw something he thought was fishy and went and squinted his eye. Like what’s going on down there?
Jeff:
He’s giving them folders. He’s looking through folders, and he’s like I don’t know what’s going on here. What are all these PowerPoints? I don’t care.
Casey:
I just got this, it says something here about they dug a hole together and she was in love. I’m not sure what that is. Who hands me this? Where’s the filter?
Jeff:
Who’s Walter? I don’t understand. Dog food? I don’t understand this script. Where’s my agent? At this point, the best moment of the entire show. It’s important to do this. She’s saying we need to fire them, whatever. Hangs up on them.
Casey:
Like fuck it, I can’t listen to this shit. Close it. Turn it off.
Jeff:
She closes it. She says fire. They don’t know what to do. They’re like, they’re going to fire.
Casey:
Originally, when the thing said the message is coming in, she says don’t accept it. Don’t answer that. And he’s like I have to. So apparently when she says don’t answer it, he can’t do that. When she says hang up, that’s fine.
Jeff:
That’s fine.
Casey:
So that’s cool. So they hang up, screen goes away.
Jeff:
She says flood the torpedoes. There’s some arguing. They’re going to fire, they’ve got 50 seconds.
Casey:
They don’t fire. Unclear why, but they just don’t fire.
Jeff:
What happens is the video screen come back. Apparently they’ve hacked in. The best part of the thing. Now you remember you have space command. At this point, Bridger, who’s on vacation, I don’t know how they got him. They’re like get the fucking Bridger out of the whore house and down here to space command. He’s in, I shit you not, a Hawaiian shirt and looks like an extra. You’re just like get some Hawaiian shirt. He leans in camera, he’s not even in frame, and he’s like what the fuck’s going on in the boat? I was about to get blown and you’ve got me here. He’s not going to blow me. What the fuck is going on? Where’s the first officer? Why is the science guy firing nine torpedoes at the ocean floor?
Casey:
Right. He’s like, I go out to fuck a prostitute with my grandson for one night and all of a sudden I’ve got the world’s leading geologist, the person who’s supposed to be in charge and four fucking treasure hunters marooned on a deserted island with an exploded launch.
Jeff:
And you’re firing torpedoes.
Casey:
Someone’s super awesome that can do science torpedo that had a daylight saving times problem, the dude who’s ostensibly in charge of the entire federation, can’t figure out to prevent the other side from hanging up on his phone call. And finally, I spilled my daiquiri on the way here and I don’t know how I’m going to get it back.
Jeff:
You’re all fucking fired when I get back. But go ahead and shoot the torpedoes.
Casey:
He’s like you’re in for a penny, in for a pound. Carry on. I don’t really care.
Jeff:
I don’t have the whole story.
Casey:
Delegate. Take care of it. I trust you.
Jeff:
I’m surprised he didn’t say you’re all fired. Darwin’s in charge. And they’d be better off. Eventually, they fire the torpedoes at the ground.
Casey:
There’s tears streaming down my face at this point.
Jeff:
All of the lava, they release the pressure. Basically they lance the volcano.
Casey:
Let’s just be clear about something here. So the idea here is I’m sure very scientifically sound. Enough pressure to erupt a volcano is not going to be sufficient to cave in this relatively thin tunnel wall, but some torpedoes will. So they’re basically just going to like knock a little hole through some wall out into the sea floor, and it’ll vent the lava. It’s like popping a pimple, right?
Jeff:
Basically. They’re just going to lance that shit. They do that.
Casey:
They fire.
Jeff:
There’s a big geyser.
Casey:
Of something.
Jeff:
Off shore.
Casey:
It makes a new island.
Jeff:
The acting captain/swab-to-be because he’s going to be seriously fucking demoted.
Casey:
Mr. Soon to be cleaning latrine.
Jeff:
They all stand up, and they watch the geyser. The shaking of the ground causes some dirt back in the hole.
Casey:
The crazy dude is still in the tree by the way, at this point. He went back in the tree.
Jeff:
I’m going in the tree. I blew up the launch, I’m back in the tree.
Casey:
I just want to be in my tree, okay? I just want to be in my tree.
Jeff:
The dirt, it shakes a little bit. It’s like erm. Two inches of dirt fall back, and it’s a treasure chest that looks like they got it from like. . .
Casey:
Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s full-on a prop.
Jeff:
It’s also like they were a quarter inch of flakey dirt away from it the whole time.
Casey:
Not to mention how it’s unclear how if you have a hole, that shaking the earth would not just fill in the hole. How is it the chest comes out in its entirety at that point, is not clear.
Jeff:
Perfectly. Apparently it was under the desk? That’s where they keep their treasure.
Casey:
No one guy, the guy in the tree, goes down because he sees this. Pulls out a treasure chest himself filled with gold and the plays of Frances Bacon. At this point even though he pulled it out of the hold alone, apparently it’s too heavy or cumbersome for him to carry down to the beach himself. He opens it up, stuffs some shit in a sack.
Jeff:
The plays are in pristine convention. This is the whitest paper.
Casey:
Like they were written yesterday.
Jeff:
They’re perfect.
Casey:
Apparently it was like acid-free, high quality notepaper.
Jeff:
He throws them in his satchel. He grabs a handful of doubloons and takes off. We don’t know why.
Casey:
Like $50 or something. In today’s prices.
Jeff:
He runs back down to the beach and goes look what I found. They’re happy because they realize they’re not going to die. Which there is no reason to show him getting the money because they’re going to go back. It makes no sense.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense at all.
Jeff:
There’s an awkward moment. The lunatic looks at the awkward people and goes you told her, didn’t they?
Casey:
About the love situation. I told you you shouldn’t have.
Jeff:
Then the Italian’s like let me have a word with you. And that’s it.
Casey:
Never addressed again.
Jeff:
Never addressed again.
Casey:
But that’s like softening it up, I guess. I’m not sure. We have no idea. Point being, this chest, I want you to imagine is roughly probably let’s say 40 inches across. 40 inches across.
Jeff:
I’m going to go out on a limb and say, the crown jewels of France, not that impressive. They were very small.
Casey:
If you can imagine crown jewels that look sort of like cardboard wrapped in tinfoil, it might be those kinds of crown jewels.
Jeff:
Just not very many of it. As far as the crown jewels, I can see why they were easy to misplace. It’s a small chest, not much stuff there. That’s a billion dollars in that.
Casey:
It turns out that the kings and queens of the day greatly fancied a much-elevated, false bottom with a bunch of sinks scattered on the top. They were like oh, the riches of the land. Anyway, they get that shit out of there and we flash-forward to the Seaquest when presumably they’ve extracted everyone from this island by sending something over there. Who knows. We don’t know, we don’t care.
Jeff:
Bridger comes back on the bridge. In the worst fitting shorts you’ve ever seen. They were like a skirt. They were short pants, but they didn’t tailor them right so they went out like, I don’t know, a crazy skirt.
Casey:
I think he was like, you know what? After the whole incident with torpedoes, he probably went back to finish up. I imagine his crotch is sore. He was like give me the baggiest pants that are still military issue that I can have, and that’s what I’m going in.
Jeff:
There’s going to be some itching here for 30 to 90 days. I’ve got some salt. I need something. Do you have anything in a kilt? And they’re like no, you’re going to infect the captain’s chair.
Casey:
At this point, the lead scientist girl or woman, Dr. Generian, she is holding a cutlass. Now, the cutlass is considerably longer than the 30 to 40 inch chest I was talking about before. I have no idea where that came from.
Jeff:
It’s like a magician’s sword. It’s longer than the thing.
Casey:
Or they just buried their cutlass next to the chest. We just threw it in the hole, because why would I take my cutlass with me? Unclear. So anyway, they have that and Bridger plays around with the sword a little. They have a little exchange at the end, kind of like with the classic end line. Oh right, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
Remember, there’s an important point. Here’s the thing.
Casey:
Richard does do a little bit. His days with the prostitute have changed him. He’s a changed mine.
Jeff:
The thing is, you see a lot of attractive women in Hollywood. And Roy, the actor here, slips in his acting a little bit. He walks up to the young girl, who’s shapely. She’s not exceptional.
Casey:
Presumably. Well, she was not wearing anything in this particular episode that would let us know that she was.
Jeff:
Well, she had a fairly low-cut, unbuttoned shirt.
Casey:
It was inviting.
Jeff:
Bridger walks up, and we had to walk up to see it for sure. You said, did he just? He checked her out.
Casey:
He does. He definitely does.
Jeff:
He does this thing.
Casey:
He does the up-down.
Jeff:
He does the up-down.
Casey:
He goes to see, up.
Jeff:
It was very fast. It was not in the script. This wasn’t addressed. It wasn’t like she’s a hotty or something. He just walks up and goes, yeah. Where’s my check? Oh wait, we’re still filming. Sorry, my bad.
Casey:
Now keep in mind, this is the first time she and he have been in the scene together. So I’m imagining he’s like oh, I wonder if this is going to happen after the show. How would you like to sleep with the star?
Jeff:
Hey, why don’t you come back to my trailer? I’ll tell you stories about Jaws.
Casey:
That’s what I’m thinking is happening, right? I know Richard Dreyfuss. Anyway, point being, they wrap up with a line which I’m sure will go down in cinema history much like the ending of Gone With the Wind or Casablanca or these sorts of things. Or maybe great literature. This sort of thing. She says — well he asks her who’s going to pay for the extra torpedoes she fired.
Jeff:
She fired too many torpedoes.
Casey:
Like there’s some military-specified number of torpedoes that you fire to avert a volcano. That’s in the playbook somewhere.
Jeff:
You wasted some. Didn’t you read the manual?
Casey:
Right after the page that’s like. . .
Jeff:
Lancing a volcano takes five, not nine.
Casey:
Exactly. That’s on the page right after don’t leave your launch next to the lunatic with the dynamite. Apparently neither of those pages were read, so this leads to the situation we find ourselves in today. I guess nobody thought to ask who was going to pay for the launch vehicle that exploded. Apparently that wasn’t a concern.
Jeff:
That’s just a write-off.
Casey:
We’ll just get that, that’s fine.
Jeff:
Torpedoes, can’t write off. The other one is a passive loss. They had some real estate issues, it’s fine.
Casey:
You fired nine torpedoes and saved the only remaining copies of the Frances Bacon plays, the crown jewels of France, four civilian’s lives, two of the lives of the officers of the crew, prevented island of being buried of historical significance, but you used too many torpedoes. Dipshit had his entire craft blown up by one lunatic and nearly got everyone killed, and he’s not reprimanded? That’s fine.
Jeff:
He’s the man.
Casey:
That wasn’t a problem.
Jeff:
She’s like, what does a woman have to do? Glass ceiling on the Seaquest.
Casey:
Bullshit.
Jeff:
She replies.
Casey:
She replies, damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead.
Jeff:
It’s almost like they said let’s start with that as our end and construct this backwards, which makes sense because everything in the script, they knew about before it happened.
Casey:
It’s all kind of premonitional.
Jeff:
Now we’ve seen some bad ones. That one was spectacularly bad.
Casey:
It’s pretty fantastic. That’s good stuff. That’s quality. And I think a fitting ending to the twelve days of podcasts.
Jeff:
Because he had an epiphany, there was an epiphany.
Casey:
It turns out the clock was two hours early.
Jeff:
There was a eureka.
Casey:
She doesn’t love me.
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s a lot of epiphanies.
Casey:
The clock was two hours off. Don’t park that there unless it’s dynamite proof.
Jeff:
Keep an eye on the lunatic.
Casey:
Keep an eye on the lunatic, right. If you’re going to send one of my kids off to a prostitute, she better have a 43 year old mom. There’s a number of lessons learned. Valuable lessons learned.
Jeff:
I think Bridger is never going to leave command again because that was disastrous. That’s like coming home after a long weekend and your kids have had a party. There’s a keg out in the lawn.
Casey:
No, there’s a dead fucking body. There’s a chalk outline in the driveway. You’re like oh boy, this is a problem.
Jeff:
I’m not leaving these kids again. Alright, everybody.
Casey:
Merry Christmas. And happy new years all of you.
Jeff:
Have a happy new year. We will be back again in a month or so.
Casey:
We will see you on Valentine ‘s Day.
Jeff:
And we will have another podcast. In the meantime, please send us emails at podcasts@mollyrocket.com. Many of these things we did today came from people who still emailed us even though they knew we were going on hiatus, which is awesome.
Casey:
It touches my heart and other places.
Jeff:
Stop it. Check us out on Facebook at Jeff and Casey at facebook.com/jeffandcaseyshow and on twitter which is just @jeffandcasey. Casey’s always posting pictures, crazy things he runs into.
Casey:
Around Seattle, just got the links for you on there. It’s all good.
Jeff:
Come on by, and we will see you again on Valentine ‘s Day.
Casey:
Alright, happy New Year’s everyone.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 38
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