Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Welcome to Planet Chad
"You know what? It's the Year of Gold."
Original air date: January 3rd, 2010
Topics. Fake coral. Planet Chad. The General Lee. Parenting tips. Planet Hollywood. Chad Ochocinco. Football. Child support. Usain Bolt. Koi. Court. Europe. Indiana Jones. Luke Skywalker. Strip clubs. Aquarium. Claude Shannon. Frank Sinatra. Baby sharks. Tony Gonzales.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome back to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello & welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
We are on day eleven.
Casey:
Day eleven of the Twelve Days of Podcast, almost at the end, of our Twelve Days of Podcast.
Jeff:
Yes, we’re getting there, it’s kind of gonna be, kind of sad. That’s right.
Casey:
It’s gonna be sad, although a tearful goodbye.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But we will be back for Valentine’s Day.
Jeff:
Yes, we’re, we’ll, we’ll probably do. . .
Casey:
We will be back for Valentine’s Day. . . So.
Jeff:
Yeah, we’ll p-, we’re gonna do a few little holidays.
Casey:
Yeah, we’re gonna try & make a holiday cast.
Jeff:
Basically, Jeff & Casey are gonna weigh in on Valentine's Day...
Casey:
Yes, that’s right.
Jeff:
Give you some advice, perhaps.
Casey:
Yes, I have a very special thing planned for Valentine’s Day, incidentally.
Jeff:
Oh, excellent, alright.
Casey:
So, you’re. . . there will be a treat.
Jeff:
Okay, I see.
Casey:
I don’t know if it’ll be treat quite of the magnitude of the Twelve Days of Christmas.
Jeff:
Yes, that is a treat.
Casey:
Or Twelve Days of Podcast I should say, but. . .
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So here we are on day eleven.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
Eleven pipers piping. . .
Jeff:
Eleven pipers are piping at this point.
Casey:
And, mmhhmm, this is continuing our tradition that we started on day nine. Mmhmm, or rather I guess that we continued on day nine. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Of bringing you literary, great. . .
Jeff:
Masterworks?
Casey:
Ma- masterworks of modern literature. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Read to you in our dulcet voices.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And. . ..
Jeff:
I feel like, you know, we’re by a fire. . .
Casey:
We are by a fire.
Jeff:
And, and you are, are, your legs are crossed.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And the camera zooms in.
Casey:
That’s right, yeah. It’s, it’s almost like a f-f yeah, a fire side, uh, a masterpiece theater —
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Kind of a reading, a Vincent Price —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Sort of thing.
Jeff:
Of literature that, that our listeners I think will enjoy. And educate us, and um. . .
Casey:
I’m sure will, I’m sure will enjoy. Now here’s the thing. This book that I’m gonna read for, to you now. . .
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Or f-, or read from now, I should say, uh, is the only book that I’ve ever seen, in my whole life —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where the author —
Jeff:
Mmhmm.
Casey:
Is on the cover —
Jeff:
Well, you see that now & again.
Casey:
Flipping you off —
Jeff:
Ooh, yeah, maybe not so much.
Casey:
With not just one finger —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But two fingers.
Jeff:
Well, I’ve seen the one flip off, but he is goin’ for it. . .
Casey:
So he’s got both hands, he, both hands are in a ‘fuck you.’
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That is the cover —
Jeff:
That is the author.
Casey:
Of the book.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay, & the book I'm talking about is none other than 'Ochocinco' -
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Eponymously titled —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In fact, for the author.
Jeff:
Yep, Chad Ochocinco, formerly Chad Johnson.
Casey:
Yes, the titular, the titular Ochocinco —
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
If you will, who probably is, isn’t named Ochocinco anymore, because I think he’s changing his name to some Japanese name, right?
Jeff:
Uh, I think it’s a Mexican name first.
Casey:
I thought he was going to change it to Hotchiguh? Hot-chi. . . what’s Ochoci-Hachi Go.
Jeff:
Oh really? Okay.
Casey:
Hachi Go. It’s Japanese.
Jeff:
Last I heard it was a Mexican name.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then maybe. . .
Casey:
No, that’s old news, dude.
Jeff:
Ah, that’s old news.
Casey:
You gotta hurrinkeepup.
Jeff:
You gotta keep up with Ochocinco. Yeah, okay, so. . .
Jeff:
He is a receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Casey:
I don’t know anything, right. . .
Casey:
I don’t know anything about this guy —
Jeff:
Correct.
Casey:
I just knew I had, I don’t, I don’t want to aupultunown anything.
Jeff:
I had mentioned to you, I had mentioned to you —
Casey:
You mentioned to me —
Jeff:
Some excerpts from his book.
Casey:
Some excerpts —
Casey:
And I was like, I gotta get this book.
Jeff:
And you got it.
Casey:
I don’t know who this guy is, I don’t care, I’m reading this book.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
It’s amazing.
Jeff:
Yup. It is. You read it, lent it to me.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It is a page turner, Casey.
Casey:
It is fantastic. And I’m. . .
Jeff:
You just can’t put it down.
Casey:
You can’t put it down. Now I’m gonna start, I’m just gonna start reading right at the beginning.
Jeff:
An excerpt.
Casey:
Because normally y-, we have to find the choice bits.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The, you know, we gotta go dig for the c- ridiculous parts of these books.
Jeff:
That’s what we do at the Jeff & Casey Show...
Jeff:
Because we find the highlights.
Casey:
We find the, the humor.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
This book — not necessary.
Jeff:
Open it to any page.
Casey:
Here’s the opening paragraph:
Casey:
“My life is good. It’s sweet, so sweet. Roll up to my place in Plantation, Florida & that's easy to see. Right there in the circular driveway that wraps around the fountain in front of my yard, you get the first taste..." Now Jeff...
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Maybe you’re imagining this taste in your head right now.
Jeff:
Oh, I have a taste of Ocho.
Casey:
Maybe you are, righinunut? Do you?
Jeff:
I have an idea —
Casey:
No, you don’t.
Jeff:
Oh. Fuck.
Casey:
Why don’t you? I’ll continue. “Wait a second, I gotta let you in the front gate first. It’s a gated community & all, but once you're in & riding my, by my huge-ass house on an acre of land, you can see what I'm sayin'. Parked in front are seven sweet-ass cars..."
Jeff:
Uh huhuhuhu. . .
Casey:
“One for every day of the week.”
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
“I don’t like to get bored, you know?”
Jeff:
He doesn’t like to get bored.
Casey:
Now, listeners to the podcast, may think that somehow I’m, you know, being sort of like, uh, I don’t know what you want to call it, ‘classist’ —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
By reading this in, in a slang tone of voice.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
No no.
Jeff:
He makes sure —
Casey:
The actual writing in this book is pre-abbreviated —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So that things like, you know, ‘huge-ass house,’ or ‘ridin’ by’ with an apostrophe are spelled out for you in that exact way.
Jeff:
So, you can basically —
Casey:
He knew how it wasn. . . yeah.
Jeff:
You’ve got Chad in your head at this point.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Reading this to you —
Casey:
He’s reading this to you.
Jeff:
You can imagine this being read.
Casey:
Right. Now lemme just tell you a little bit about this house —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That Chad is, I’m gonna skip over the cars for now —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Mmhmm, because, you know, I don’t really know very much about cars.
Jeff:
Right. Well, let’s go to the house.
Casey:
They fail, they fail to impress me.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So I’m just going to tell you a little bit about the house.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
Mmhmm. “Come on in the crib. Don’t get freaked out by the plexiglass walkway over the koi pond with the little waterfall next to it.”
Jeff:
Whoa, I’m freaked out.
Casey:
“It’ll hold you.”
Jeff:
Oh.
Casey:
You thought you were gonna fall because it’s plexiglass, Jeff.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’ll hold you, okay?
Jeff:
A- alright, alright. I —
Casey:
He’s Chad Fucking Oako-Ochocinco —
Jeff:
Iiiiiiii-I’m gonna walk out there tentatively.
Casey:
He’s probably three hundred fucking pounds, alright.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And he’s walking over it. . .
Jeff:
Yeah, alright. You’re right.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I’ll follow you. Like —
Casey:
Skinny little white guy, I think it can handle you.
Jeff:
Yea, like —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Indiana Jones I’ll throw some dirt on the plexiglass.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, & see it...
Jeff:
And then —
Casey:
Then leap from the lion’s head — Yes.
Casey:
And you come into some shithead’s crib.
Jeff:
Ahuhuhuhu. . . (cough)
Casey:
Mmhmm. “The big room in the front with the marble tiles is cool & the upstairs room with the pool table is very cool."
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Sounds pretty sweet to me.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
But you know what, Jeff?
Jeff:
There’s more?
Casey:
That’s not the coolest room.
Jeff:
Oh.
Casey:
“The best room is the entertainment room just off the kitchen. In there are the three big screen TVs. Yeah, three.”
Jeff:
Waitwait —
Casey:
“That’s not the best part, though.”
Jeff:
There’s not two?
Casey:
No, there’s not two —
Jeff:
There’s three?
Casey:
There’s three.
Jeff:
Holy fuckballs.
Casey:
I don’t know why there’s three, but there’s three.
Jeff:
That is pretty sweet.
Casey:
And that’s not the best part. Cause three big screen TVs, what could be better?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’re thinking ‘I don’t know,’ right?
Jeff:
Yeah. But anybody could have three.
Casey:
Anyone could have three, you just go buy three.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
What’s so hard about that? “The best part is that the TVs are inset, into a floor-to-ceiling aquarium, that runs about thirty feet down one wall.”
Jeff:
Holy fuck. How does he get the wires into that TV?
Casey:
Oh, it’s funny you should ask that, Jeff, actually —
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
Because it turns out that he actually explains that right here, if I can find that passage.
Jeff:
He makes, he makes, he makes a point of explaining?
Casey:
Oh, well, if, if, if you’ll indulge me for one second. First he says, “I got some beautiful fish in there, even a little baby shark.”
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
You know, swimming around in there.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like an animal lake, Jeff.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Like your own personal animal lake.
Jeff:
You just sit there & watch all you- no wonder it's an entertainy, entertainment room, right?
Casey:
“That’s right, the TVs are built into the front of the aquarium, the wires coming down through some fake coral beneath each of the boxes.”
Jeff:
would’ve never thought of that!
Casey:
See?
Jeff:
The fake coral.
Casey:
Wiring tips.
Jeff:
Yup, wiring tips.
Casey:
Wiring tips. From Ocho.
Casey:
From Ochocinco.
Jeff:
Get some fake coral. You know what, I think I’ve seen fake coral with HDMI wires that go through ‘em; you can just buy ’em that way, that’s jus-
Casey:
You can, Magnolia Hi-Fi or Best Buy or something has that.
Jeff:
Yeah, & just drop that right in.
Casey:
You can just drop that right in there.
Jeff:
Unfortunately they’re, you know, Monster cables & they cost two thousand dollars.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But, but wait — they’re, they’re gold-plated.
Casey:
But you know what?
Casey:
You know what? If they’re gold plated, Ochocinco’ll have ‘em. Right?
Jeff:
No, that’s true.
Casey:
He’ll only use gold-plated cable, right?
Jeff:
That’s right. Yup.
Casey:
And y-, you wanna know how I know that?
Jeff:
Tell me. I think —
Casey:
You’re gonna have to wait.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Cause We’re gettin’ there.
Jeff:
All, alright. I like it.
Casey:
Now, mmhmm, excerpts, I got three excerpts planned for you.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
Excerpt number two —
Jeff:
Okay. I
Casey:
s about Ochocinco & his take on parenting.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
If you will.
Jeff:
He has, you know, some tips? He’s a father?
Casey:
Yeah. Well I don’t know, let’s find out.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“I don’t really talk to my father very much. He lives in Liberty City, which is where I grew up.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“It’s a little part of Miami on the north side of town. He’s somewhere around there, I don’t see him much & he was never around when I was a kid."
Jeff:
D-yea.
Casey:
“We don’t have much of a relationship, I really don’t care.”
Jeff:
Yeah, well you know what?
Casey:
“ I really don’t.” That’s what he says. He doesn’t care.
Jeff:
It’s like, ‘Bullshit. You know what? I don’t care.’
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
‘Fuck him. Fuck my dad.’
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Anyway, point being, I read that — it’s at the opening of a chapter. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And I was like, ‘alright,’ you know —
Jeff:
His father wasn’t around.
Casey:
‘His father wasn’t around, I kinda feel bad for the guy,’ right?
Jeff:
Yup, yup.
Casey:
I’m like, ‘you know what’?
Jeff:
Single mother, probably s-
Casey:
‘He didn’t have a, he didn’t have a good role model.’
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Right, you know, all the stuff, he made good in the NFL, right, he’s talented whatever — I assume.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I guess, I don’t know, but you know, now he’s making money, maybe he’s, you know, I-I don’t really know what’s gonna happen here.
Jeff:
But he has his, this estranged relationship —
Casey:
But I’m on his side at this point.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I wasn’t so much on his side when he was talking about his fucked up aquarium TV set, but now I’m like, ‘this is like personal.’
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, I’m like, ‘okay I’m rooting for this kid’. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘Poor guy, didn’t have a father,’ whatever the fuck, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Then he hits me with this. “The thing for me is that I’m not going to be like that.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? Hes not gonna, he’s not gonna do to his son —
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Should he have one or something like this —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, that’s what I’m thinking when I’m reading this. He’s not going to do to his kids what his father did to him.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
He’s gonna be there, right, & thisn-, & I'm like, 'good for you.'
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
“Yeah, I have four kids with three women.”
Jeff:
Wooop, oop. Oop.
Casey:
Mmt, okay, goin’ a little sour there.
Casey:
“I didn’t marry any of them.”
Jeff:
Whoap.
Casey:
“Some people look at all that as wrong, that I must be a bad father. Well, I take good care of my kids. I spend time with them when I’m back in Miami. I bring my son. He lives out in Los Angeles, I bring him out to see me. They get time with me. They know who I am. I support them, that’s what I’m supposed to do. That’s what a dad is supposed to do.”
Jeff:
So he. . . Right.
Casey:
So just to be clear, I wanna summarize what Ochocinco, Ochocinco thinks a dad is supposed to do.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
He’s supposed to, at his convenience, I guess —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Fly one of his myriad sons around the country out to see him —
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
I guess he foots the airfare, so that’s a pretty, pretty big of him, right there.
Jeff:
Y- y’that’s pretty, y’know maybe he gets business class, uses some miles.
Casey:
Right. When he deigns to be back in Miami —
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which I guess is football schedule permitting —
Jeff:
Yeah, y’know, when they’re playing the Dolphins.
Casey:
He will spend some time with his three kids who live there.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
With different women —
Jeff:
Well that’s because, y’know, he’s not gonna be like his fa- father. I mean —
Casey:
None of whom he married. Not gonna be like his father.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
He’s gonna be there a couple weeks of the year.
Jeff:
Uh huh, right.
Casey:
Unlike, as opposed to zero, for example, I guess.
Jeff:
Right. Well, yeah.
Casey:
Not entirely sure, right.
Jeff:
Y’know why — he’s probably fighting for preseason games to be held in Miami.
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Now I’m just, I’m guessing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I’m just, you know, kinda, out on a limb here, assuming that, much like Dr. Spock’s famous book —
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
If Ochocinco was to publish a book on, a classic book on child rearing —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’d be about four pages long, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. And it would have a lot to do with zip-state. I assume.
Casey:
And it would have a lot. . . Ssssss. . .
Casey:
It’d be, it’d be like, ‘Here’s how you get in someone’s pants,’ & then it would stop -
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
At the end of that, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It would stop at the end of ‘Court takes care of the rest.’
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or like, r- ‘The rest of it is mandated for you, you don’t have to worry about it’ —
Jeff:
Right, right, you don’t have to worry about it.
Casey:
‘They’ll tell you how much you have to pay & how often you have to see 'em.'
Jeff:
It’s convenient, because you get these letters from the court.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, exactly, it’s right. . .
Jeff:
That just tell you exactly how much you have to pay, you send that in the mail.
Casey:
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
By the way. Protip: don’t skip those payments.
Casey:
Right, turns out, that’s a problem.
Jeff:
Turns out that causes all kinds of difficulty.
Casey:
Right. All kinds of problems.
Jeff:
Just pay that bill.
Casey:
Now, yeah, here’s the thing, right, it’s like, w-
Jeff:
Support your kids.
Casey:
I don’t understand why there’re all these child rearing books & seminars & all this shit when the government sends you what to do.
Jeff:
Anyway. Right. Right.
Casey:
How could you fuck up being a parent at that point? The government already told you what to do. Alright.
Jeff:
Basically he’s Luke Skywalker, who’s gonna grow up not to be like his dad & just...
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Have a whole bunch of — little kids.
Casey:
And when he gets his arm cut off & he has to be attached with a robotic...
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Uh yeah.
Jeff:
I think that’s what happened.
Casey:
Pretty much.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright, mmhmm, I guess it’s, I , you know, if you were a quarterback that might be a problem, but a receiver?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
A robotic hand doesn’t seem that big of a deal.
Jeff:
No, probably be a win.
Casey:
Anyway, mmhmm. My final excerpt —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Is where I will, sort of, show you how I know that he would only use gold-plated cable.
Jeff:
Oh, okay, okay.
Casey:
Funny you should’ve brought that up.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Uh, this is —
Jeff:
Where’s this in the book?
Casey:
This is the final chapter —
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Spoiler alerts.
Casey:
Of the book. Spoiler alerts, yeah.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
Fortunately this book is completely incoherent —
Jeff:
Mhm.
Casey:
So skipping from chapter to chapter, ea-
Jeff:
Well that’s one thing —
Casey:
They could have been in any order, really.
Jeff:
I have read that book, & like - there is nothing to prepare you, from the leaps of logic & s-
Casey:
Paragraph to paragraph, really. Yeah, chapter to chapter, yeah, nevermind, yeah.
Jeff:
Ee- You just have no idea what’s coming. It- There is, like —
Casey:
No idea, could be anything. Full on bananas. Yeah.
Jeff:
Compressing this would. . . having an English-trained compressor would not help you.
Casey:
That’s correct. Right.
Jeff:
Random words come after each other.
Casey:
No, no possible corpus —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For reference could help you compress this book.
Jeff:
Stream of consciousness the entire time.
Casey:
It’s full on random. It’s entropy, it’s Shannon’s worst nightmare.
Jeff:
Yes. Yup.
Casey:
Now, mmhmm, this is from chapter sixteen.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
And it opens, the, the uh, sort of the, uh, quote that preceeds the chapter is by someone named Tony Gonzalez.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I don’t know who that is, but it says ‘Kansas City Chiefs Pro Bowl Tight End.’
Jeff:
Okay, tight end, right.
Casey:
Okay. And he says that, mmhmm —
Jeff:
Probably a reasonable receiver himself, but, okay.
Casey:
He says, well, a big old, a big old quote, but at the bottom he says “Chad is a competitor & he's always open - but that's every great player. Every great receiver is always open." That's what Tony Gonzalez says.
Jeff:
Okay, they’re always open.
Casey:
Ocho comes back & says -
Jeff:
Like Denny’s.
Casey:
Mmhmm, “You know what? Tony G is right on the mark.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“I am always open. I have never once been covered in my entire career. No lie. Now you think that’s absurd, you think I’m stupid-crazy -”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Whatever, you don’t get it.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You don’t understand the world I live in -”
Jeff:
You — You don’t understand.
Casey:
And I’ll, I’m going to be honest with you. I-I agree with him there —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I don’t.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You don’t understand the confidence I have. You don’t understand my ability.”
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
“You don’t live on Planet Chad.”
Jeff:
On Planet Ch-
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like Planet Hollywood — Planet Chad.
Casey:
Much like Planet H- Right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And much like Planet Hollywood it’s some place I don’t wanna go.
Jeff:
Uh huh. Right.
Casey:
Even to eat.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Mmhmm. “Now how awesome would that be? Planet Chad would be the place. It would be like nothing you’ve ever seen. The city of gold. Shit, the world of gold.”
Jeff:
A world of gold.
Casey:
“Off the chain, times ten million. There would be no rules. How the fuck do I say it? No limits, in a good way. No boundaries. You push the envelope at whatever you’re doing. That would be a very, very flamboyant planet.”
Jeff:
I bet it would.
Casey:
“Flashy. My planet would be made of gold. It would.” I
Jeff:
t would — okay, it would be made of gold. Everybody, like the postman —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Are the most extreme postmen —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
In the world.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re like —
Casey:
Delivering letters of gold in postal trucks of gold —
Jeff:
Made of gold —
Casey:
To gold plated mailboxes. . .
Jeff:
On skateboards of gold —
Casey:
Right, yes. . . Right.
Jeff:
Drinking Mountain Dew Gold, all at once.
Casey:
And it’s, everything’s very flamboyant. Basically what we’re talking about here is —
Jeff:
And, and, right.
Casey:
This is like the gayest fucking planet ever.
Jeff:
It, it sounds a little. . . Yeah.
Casey:
Everything is gold & shiny & flamboyant.
Jeff:
Yeah, it, it sounds a bit. . .
Casey:
And extreme. Right.
Jeff:
Right. And, and extreme.
Jeff:
You know, uh, don’t forget the extremeness.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now just in case you were confused about the concept —
Jeff:
Do you think ten million is the largest number he could think of? Because he did say ‘times ten million.’
Casey:
He did say ‘times ten million.’
Jeff:
And I’m, uht-ina, it’s such an arbitrary number.
Casey:
It is rather arbitrary, yeah.
Jeff:
It-it’s like ‘ten million is the largest number.’
Casey:
Maybe he, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
‘Welwewhatifweten million we-’
Jeff:
‘Ten million is the largest number.’
Casey:
‘. . .million is the largest number.’ I’m guessing that he took a cue from your Special Olympics friends & he has like -
Jeff:
Aaahhhh. . . oohhh, & that's what came out. Right.
Casey:
Some numbers in his head & they make sense to him. I don't know.
Jeff:
Now there’s one thing I wanna point before you go on the next part is, that part of where he’s talking about something —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Which is about being covered & his, um, openness -
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Of all time.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
In the middle of that he says “Planet Chad,” which makes his mind go, like an, child with ADD —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Pops to the next subject —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then goes into ‘Planet Chad.’
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like he’s writing a book report —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Something occurs to him & the book report goes off the rails -
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Talking about thing that pops in — the entire book is that.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
He doesn’t keep a single thought for more than two paragraphs, because he keeps going, “Oh shit, wait, did I tell you it’s -”
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
It’s like. . . It should be a study in AD&D, you, ADD, you read this & you're like, this guy needs medication -
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
He can’t focus on any one thing for more than a second.
Casey:
And it, well, to be fair too, if you & I are sitting here thinking that the guy has random digressions -
Jeff:
Yes!
Casey:
Like, that’s pretty bad.
Jeff:
Holy shit!
Casey:
I mean, if —
Jeff:
Yeah!
Casey:
If the Jeff & Casey Show thinks that you're a little off-topic... uuuhhhh -
Jeff:
Yyy-you’ve got some issues.
Casey:
You’ve got problems.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
You’ve got some serious problems & medication probably does, yeah...
Jeff:
How many days of Christmas would he have on Planet Chad?
Casey:
Uh, i-infinite!
Jeff:
Like ten million. Probably.
Casey:
It would j-just keep going until someone made him stop, like ‘Hey by the way Chad, we’re already 3-365 days there aren’t any more in a year ’& he'd be like, 'You know what, it's the Year of Gold.'
Jeff:
Ahaha. . .
Casey:
‘On Planet Chad, there are four hundred & fifty days, motherfucker.'
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘Surprise!’
Jeff:
And their sun’s made of gold, too —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And we revolve around it.’
Casey:
And their sun’s made of gold.
Jeff:
‘And me.’
Casey:
Now. Mmhmm, I know what you’re thinking, Jeff.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Cause I know, I know how you think.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
When he said “the world of gold, where everything is made of gold, including the planet” —
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You were thinking, ‘Would the streets & light posts also be made of gold?'
Jeff:
Well, no, I- I. . . Th- They can’t possibly.
Casey:
Cause, you would be wondering because those would be th- they can’t po-. Everything else, probably made of gold —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But those two things, unlikely, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So he clarifies. “Streets made of gold. Light posts made of gold.”
Jeff:
Holy shit, he went there.
Casey:
“That would be sweet.”
Jeff:
It would be sweet.
Casey:
“Speed limit? For what? Ain’t no speed limit for me now. My streets would be called, like, Usain Bolt Way.” Now do you understand that reference?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
What does that mean?
Jeff:
Usain Bolt is the sprinter from, uh, Jamaica.
Casey:
Okay. Is he made of gold, in this planet? I don’t know.
Jeff:
No, he, I- maybe he’s made of gold —
Casey:
He’s- Okay.
Jeff:
He is the fastest guy in the planet.
Casey:
Okay. I see.
Jeff:
By a long way.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
He’s kind of out of the ordinary. Like Chad.
Casey:
Okay. “Red lights — no.”
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
“Stop signs — no.”
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
“You’re on your own.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Basically he’s just describing Europe, he just doesn’t know that, right?
Jeff:
Ahaha. . . right.
Casey:
He’s like never fucking been there or something. You kn-
Jeff:
Well, everybody’s made of gold. Worst case you’re dented, like — it’s not that big a deal.
Casey:
Right, yeah, exactly, right, it doesn- it all just kind of mushes together, yeah.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
“You know, like the cartoons where they have all the cars speeding & speeding & they never get in an accident? That would be my planet."
Jeff:
That’s an awesome — wight, okay.
Casey:
Now, keep that thought in your head for a minute —
Jeff:
M-okay.
Casey:
Because we’re gonna get into something later that suggests that maybe a planet wouldn’t quite be that way, but —
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He doesn’t really think through some of these things, maybe.
Jeff:
Well, he’s on to the next subject.
Casey:
Heisonnexsubj. “No traffic tickets on Planet Chad.”
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
Which it’s interesting about that, because with no speed limit it’s unclear what the traffic ticket would even be issued for.
Jeff:
Right. Or, or, or —
Casey:
Parking violation I guess.
Jeff:
There’s no, there’s no stop signs —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And there’s no speed limit.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I assume it’s for, like —
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
Not being extreme.
Casey:
Right. You weren’t extreme enough.
Jeff:
Right, it’s like, ‘Wait, it seemed like you were fairly ordinary.’
Casey:
Yeah. ‘You were holding back.’
Jeff:
‘You were holding back,’
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, ‘Your gold is not shimmering quite as brightly as it should be.’
Casey:
Right. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
‘I don’t think you are extreme times ten million.’
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
‘Here’s a parking ticket, also made of gold.’
Casey:
Right, a golden parking ticket.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Uh, well, it’s a citation.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s uh, it’s an, an, a ‘lack of extremeness’ citation. Right?
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly, right.
Casey:
You’re gonna get written up for that, under a section of. . . Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. It’s a, it’s a misdemeanor, it’s not a felony, because there are no felonies.
Casey:
Right. Right. Of the O.C.W. right? And whatever.
Jeff:
Right. Code. Yup.
Casey:
Anyway, he says “No traffic tickets on Planet Chad. Hell, no police. What do you need police for? Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody, not on Planet Chad.“
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned in areas where there’s a lot of gold: conflict rarely erupts.
Jeff:
Right, no. It’s fine.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Listen —
Casey:
In, in Ochocinco’s vast historical knowledge, he must’ve —
Jeff:
No, I-
Casey:
Realized that, that large amounts of valuable resources on a planet rarely lead to conflict of any kind, yeah.
Jeff:
Exactly. It’ll be fine.
Casey:
It’s fine. “Not on Planet Chad. Planet Chad is about having fun.”
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
“Naked women -”
Jeff:
Alright. Right.
Casey:
H- possibly made of gold, I’m not sure — “Hugh Hefner’s All-Playmate Squad. Man, we probably don’t even need strip joints.” Probably don’t even need ‘em.
Jeff:
Well, so, that’s kind of a good point —
Casey:
Cause all the women are naked —
Jeff:
They’re all naked —
Casey:
What would you strip out of?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Maybe put your clothes on, & who wants that?
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
The clothes are made of gold.
Casey:
. . .Of gold, anyway.
Jeff:
They’re heavy.
Casey:
They’re heavy.
Jeff:
They chafe.
Casey:
It’s, it’s just a pain in the ass.
Jeff:
Aahhh. . .
Casey:
Leave ‘em off, ladies.
Jeff:
Leave them off.
Casey:
Leave them off. ‘Recline here, check out one of my three big screen TVs, maybe you can be father of child number five.’
Jeff:
Now it’s —
Casey:
We’ll see, but. . .
Jeff:
It’s amazing that you get to strip clubs & you know, that doesn't... hmmm...
Casey:
Yeah, Planet Chad is about having fun, naked women, High Hefner’s All-Playmate Squad, “Man, we probably don’t even need strip joints. . . even though I love strip joints.”
Jeff:
Oh, that’s —
Casey:
“Tootsie’s, Pure Platinum, The Rolex, Cheetah, Solid Gold — you name ‘em, I love ’em.”
Jeff:
So, in the middle of describing the gold planet, again we talked about this —
Casey:
And, right, in the middle of making the point that you would not need strip clubs —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He realizes in his own head —
Jeff:
Now —
Casey:
That he may not have made it clear to you how much he likes those.
Jeff:
Much he loves. . . right.
Jeff:
I’m imagining at this point he’s talking about Chan-, Planet Chad, he’s got this envisioned —
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
He mentions strip clubs —
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
Erection happens.
Casey:
I, right.
Jeff:
And he’s like, I need to deal with this.
Casey:
‘I gotta get me, I gotta me to either Tootsie’s, Pure Platinum, The Rolex, Cheetah or Solid Gold.’
Jeff:
I guarantee you he finishes that —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That subject. I bet he’s goin’ to Solid Gold.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because, you know, if you’re gonna go somewhere, it’s, point, you made it, yeah, you know —
Casey:
‘Cause planet go-, it’s, it’s made of gold. Solid Gold would fit right in. Right.
Jeff:
It, it’ll make you feel like it.
Casey:
Now here’s, here’s what I’m imagining, anyway —
Jeff:
Mhm.
Casey:
In my head, is that, you know, when he’s, when he’s talking about this & he's like, 'We probably don't need strip joints even though I love strip joints,' you know, it's jis- I'm picturing this as sort of like Hamlet, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Where he’s got, the, he’s sort of like bent over, he’s talking to the skull —
Jeff:
Golden skull? Golden. Right.
Casey:
Gold-golden, ‘Alas poor Yorick’; only instead of a skull, it’s like, a pair of tits.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Right, like I was saying, I’m thinking that he’s kind of just like —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Having this sort of soliloquy in his crazy aquarium room.
Jeff:
Right. ‘To suck or not to suck.’
Casey:
Yeah, to suck, exactly. Well, it’s more like, ‘Do I want just random naked breasts running around my planet’ —
Jeff:
A’right.
Casey:
‘Or do I want those breasts in a particular location?’ I’m reminded of the scene from Pulp Fiction where he’s talking about how they want you to smoke in your home or certain designated places —
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
In Amsterdam — it’s like that. He’s, he’s considering —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘Do I wanna have my nudity’ —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘In a particular location or just everywhere?’
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Cause they both have merit.
Jeff:
Be-
Casey:
These are, these ideas, ‘I’m weighing the important decisions that I will have to make’ —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
As ruler, presumably, of Planet Chad.
Jeff:
Now, importantly, h-, importantly he’s weighing these as he’s writing the book, right?
Casey:
Yes. Right.
Jeff:
Now he didn’t weigh these ahead of time.
Casey:
Well, he’s not writing the book —
Jeff:
Right. Well now —
Casey:
Some guy named —
Jeff:
I will, I, right — well — we can talk about that in a second.
Casey:
Something else, wrote the book, but he’s just —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s probably just talking into a microphone that this poor schlub’s gotta write down.
Jeff:
Right, right. We’ll, we’ll talk about that in a second.
Casey:
Anyway. Yeah. Uh, so anyway. He goes on.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
After the strips I’ve mentioned, it’s forgotten, immediately after that.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
“Who works on Planet Chad?” He’s thinking about the c- economic situation.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“That’s a good damn question.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“That’s why I couldn’t have a planet.” So, before we had a planet —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now we don’t actually have one. He’s realizing, it’s coming down to earth.
Jeff:
Because the economy is a complicated thing.
Casey:
Right. It’s complicated.
Jeff:
He tried to work it out & he's like -
Casey:
He, he’s like —
Jeff:
Everyone’s made of gold —
Casey:
You know what? Right.
Jeff:
What’s the currency gonna be?
Casey:
Yeah, it’s all fucked up, obviously, yeah.
Jeff:
Everyone’s naked, they’re not gonna trade sex —
Casey:
Right. Yeah, its all fucked up.
Jeff:
I guess, you know, I don’t have a thing.
Casey:
“My planet would be unorganized as hell, it would. It would be all over the place, but it would be the place where everybody from every other planet would want to visit.”
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Somehow, in his mind, that doesn’t generate tourism revenue —
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Cause that seems to me right there like what the economy’s based on. But whatever.
Jeff:
It’s like the Las Vegas of the planets.
Casey:
Right. Exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“It would be the vacation planet where everyone would want to be. You could see it” — & by see it, he means hear it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“’You ever been to Planet Chad?’ ‘No.’ ‘Dude, you gotta check that shit out, it’s unbelievable.’”
Jeff:
Well, I think you probably would see it, like a whole golden planet’s gonna refract a lot of light.
Casey:
Like, refra, refl- reflect pretty heavily.
Jeff:
It’s like, ‘Whoa, what the fuck is that?’
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like, ‘Oop, Planet Chad. Sorry.’
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Uh, so, so, he, you know, I’m glad he pointed out that dialogue —
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Cause the phrase “it would be the vacation planet where everybody would wanna be,” wasn’t really cement- you know, show don’t tell. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So he had the three lines about “’You ever been to Planet Chad?’ ‘No.’ ‘Dude, you gotta check that shit out, it’s unbelievable.’”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He basically created a dialogue that was the same sentence he just fucking said.
Jeff:
Well, maybe if you didn’t get it, you’d wanna act it out.
Casey:
That’s fine. You wanna act it out.
Jeff:
Talk it out.
Casey:
Right. He’s introducing a foil.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He introduced a foil, to get his point across.
Jeff:
Yes, yes.
Casey:
This fictitious vacationer, if you will —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Who has somehow never heard of the golden fucking planet, idiot.
Jeff:
Right, exactly. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Who’s his travel agent?
Casey:
Yeah, isn- they’re fired.
Jeff:
Dickhead.
Casey:
Yeah, ridiculous.
Jeff:
Home with his cat.
Casey:
“You can do whatever you want. Beaches, mountains, parks, whatever you need. No drugs on Planet Chad.”
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Not- hat- so- what- WOW- like just, woo- okay, you can do whatever you want —
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
But not that. It’s like Meatloaf.
Jeff:
No drugs. Right. You can chill on, like, the golden beaches —
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
The golden mountains.
Casey:
Everyone’s naked, it’s great —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We don’t need strip clubs, maybe we do —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Nobody’s working —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’re not sure where the money’s coming from, startin’ to panic —
Jeff:
Ha. . . Right.
Casey:
Maybe I should do some drugs, but no, there are no drugs. The drugs, uh th-
Jeff:
Don’t. . . there are no drugs.
Casey:
There’s not drugs made of gold, there’s not regular drugs, there’s none.
Jeff:
Right. It’s probably a pretty loud planet with all this metal crashing against metal, right?
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, ‘clank, clank, clank.’ Yeah.
Casey:
You do drugs, you’re kicked off the planet —
Jeff:
You’re off the fucking planet.
Casey:
You’re off the fucking planet — if we even have a planet anymore, now that you druggies are the-
Jeff:
Which I’m not sure that we do.
Casey:
But I’m not through — you’re kicked off the planet. . .
Jeff:
Now this probably speaks to the fact that he’s being drug tested bi-weekly in the NFL —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which requires that.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So he’s like, ‘Look, I have to deal with this problem’ —
Casey:
Everyone else should be.
Jeff:
‘Everyone should, too.’ If you test positive —
Casey:
Right. That’s right.
Jeff:
For performance, you know, enhancing drugs —
Casey:
You’re off the gold planet.
Jeff:
You’re off the golden planet.
Casey:
‘Go to Planet Silver or wherever the fuck they want you there.’
Jeff:
Right, wherever they put up with that shit.
Casey:
‘Get outta here.’ Right.
Jeff:
‘At Planet Gold, we don’t deal with that.’ Yup.
Casey:
‘Have fun gettin’ tarnished, motherfucker. No drugs here.’
Jeff:
Yup. Yup.
Casey:
Drugs, this is a drug free zone. After school special. “A lot of cigars,” though. He says.
Jeff:
Yeah, gol- okay.
Casey:
“A lot of Frank Sinatra.”
Jeff:
Oh. That’s kind of out of nowhere, I didn’t, I didn’t undet, that one just came out of nowhere.
Casey:
Okay. You can see, I don’t know where this is already at, I have no idea where that came from. “All kinds of music, I don’t drink -”
Jeff:
Wait, all kinds of music — but specifically Frank Sinatra.
Casey:
I- all kinds of music, Frank Sinatra, yes, but “all kinds of music.” “I don’t drink, but there would be alcohol.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. So unlike the drugs —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which he does not do, & no one else can do -
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alcohol: yes. Now the no speed limit thing, with the lots of alcohol, I don’t know how that’s gonna work, & the gold..
Jeff:
Again, they’re all made of gold, it’s gonna be fine, they’ll just pound it out. . .
Casey:
It’s probably fine, it’s okay.
Jeff:
They’ll take it to the thing. Yep.
Casey:
So we’re comin’ down the home stretch here.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Houses are monstrosities. Thirty-five thousand square feet. . .”
Jeff:
Whoa. Casey — it, remind me again how big his house was on planet Earth? Was it in fact thirty-five thousand square feet?
Casey:
Uh, that’s a very good question, Jeff, would you like me to look that up?
Jeff:
Yeah yeah, we- I-I’m pretty sure, you know, I-I, I’m not positive. . .
Casey:
It says here. . . ummm. I don’t see a particular square footage.
Jeff:
I’m going to guess. . . I’m going to go out on a limb here, & I'm gonna say that his house is exactly thirty-five thousand square feet -
Casey:
You think so? You think so? That’s all he’s-
Jeff:
Because he’s imagining his existing hou- He hank- Is imagining an entire planet —
Casey:
Filled with his house.
Jeff:
But his imagination is constrained to what he’s already seeing.
Casey:
Right. Already seeing.
Jeff:
He can’t imagine anything but what he already —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So it is his house — now he might explain it differently, but it’s his fucking house..
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
And I think we find out that’s truer than we think.
Casey:
I think that’s probably true, an- & in the beginning he does call his house "huge-ass" -
Jeff:
Yup. Huge-ass. . .
Casey:
So I assume, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, I think that equal thirty-five thousand square feet.
Casey:
Presumably.
Jeff:
So, monstrosities. . . Ahahaha!
Casey:
By, in- in Chad units, in- in Chad S.I., if you will. . .“Houses are monstrosities, thirty-five thousand square feet, big aquariums” — I wonder where he got that from?
Jeff:
I don’t know — you know, I think his house had an aquarium. . . I’m not sure. . .
Casey:
He, maybe did, I seem to remember that being mentioned.
Jeff:
There were some TVs.
Casey:
“Huge lakes around every house, huge lakes.”
Jeff:
Oh.
Casey:
“In fact, Planet Chad is on water, or surrounded by water.”
Jeff:
Okay wait —
Casey:
Apparently he’s not sure.
Jeff:
It’s gold —
Casey:
In his imaginary planet that he is imagining, where anything he wants can happen —
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
He’s not fucking sure.
Jeff:
He had a moment of doubt. He’s like —
Casey:
He’s like — he’s much like Doremus — in “Cracking the Universe,” where he has imagined the zip-state, yet still does not quite know how it works, even though it’s entirely his own creation.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Because he’s sittin’ here thinking about like, it’d be, it-it, you know, it, it’s awesome to have all the gold —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But then they’ve got the water. Gold, water, well mab- go water-gold —
Casey:
The water, gold, can the gold be underwater, I don’t fucking know —
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know. And do I need water because. . .
Casey:
What’s water-gold anyway, do I like water more than gold, should I be, do I want more water than gold or more gold than water? (indecipherable)
Jeff:
There’s bikinis, I like bikinis, but nobody had any, you know —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Clothes.
Casey:
Cause they’re naked,
Jeff:
Cause they’re naked —
Casey:
So what would I need the water for?
Jeff:
I don’t need the water — I’m not sure. I do. . . You know —
Casey:
Wet t-shirt was in my head, there, but you know what, no t-shirts, so it doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
I kinda like the symmetry of having an aquarium & yet being on a water fucking planet...
Casey:
Yup. Pling. Yup. Seems a little redundant.
Jeff:
But okay. . .
Casey:
Doesn’t matter. So “Planet Chad is on water, or surrounded by water -”
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
“A whole planet surrounded by water.”
Jeff:
Right. See, it’s like —
Casey:
This the part where I’m, like. . .
Jeff:
See, he’s like, wake, wait a second, so does, is it like, Ringworld —
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Right. So. Right.
Jeff:
Where, where like Planet Chad is around, & it's circled in a Dyson sphere -
Casey:
Yeah. S- I don’t know. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Filled with water, that like, you can jump off the golden planet & you're surrounded by water -
Casey:
S- Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
Or —
Casey:
That’s they create the artificial gravity on Planet Chad or something, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah, apparently. . . p- hahahaha, yeah, right, hahahaha!
Casey:
The, now the important thing to mention here is, keep in mind there is only one thing he has detailed in excruciating specificity —
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
And that was that on Planet Chad, ‘The streets are made of gold’ —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘The lamp posts are made of gold, there is no speed limit, no traffic tickets, no police’ & now there's no land.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Where are these roads & how are they being used exactly? Right? It's like -
Jeff:
Ha-hahaha! It’s off- it —
Casey:
It should have been boats, right? It’s boats, there’s, it’s boats everywhere. Where are these lamp posts, what are you using the lamp posts for?
Jeff:
Right, yeah. Well, you know. . .
Jeff:
Well I, I think, you know, on Planet Chad they tried to make boats, but they were all made of gold & they sunk.
Casey:
Gold, & they sunk.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they can’t get ‘em out —
Casey:
‘Fuck.’
Jeff:
‘This is a disaster.’
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The air is made of gold, so it doesn’t float.
Jeff:
So they’d like, they General Lee from planet island to the next.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And it’ll be fine.
Casey:
I assume so, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“Whole planet surrounded by water, & everything is shaped like an 85.”
Jeff:
Everything is shaped. . . like, so the cars are made of 85’s. . .
Casey:
So, ima- no —
Casey:
Imagine if you will, an M.C. Escher drawing, right —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It is like a Penrose tiling of some fuck kind.
Jeff:
Where the five goes into the eight —
Casey:
Everything is shaped like an 85.
Jeff:
Which turns around into the five —
Casey:
Everything is shaped like an 85.
Jeff:
85.
Casey:
If you can’t make it out of tiled 85’s, it’s not on Planet Chad.
Jeff:
Right. Lemme see those naked bre- they’re not shaped like 85’s —
Casey:
Nope. They’re out of here.
Jeff:
They’re out of here.
Casey:
Right.
Casey:
“The coral in the sea” —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“The trees” —
Jeff:
The trees.
Casey:
These are things shaped like 85.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
“It’s Atlantis but one hundred times better.”
Jeff:
Yes. Not —
Casey:
“I should really try to build that.”
Jeff:
Yeah,. He should try to build- Now that whole chapter, if you remember, starts with the fact that he’s always open.
Casey:
. . .Always open.
Jeff:
Everything from the first fucking paragraph —
Casey:
Yup. Right. Right.
Jeff:
Is the ramblings of a madman, right?
Casey:
He is fucking off his rocker.
Jeff:
He’s crazy.
Casey:
He went from the fact that he doesn’t feel like he’s adequately covered by the defense, basically
Jeff:
Right. In some reality.
Casey:
In his professional career, from there he has gotten to the fact where he wants to actually attempt to construct a planet —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Made of gold & water -
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where there are streets, even though there are, is no land —
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Everything is shaped like an 85, the women are naked, drugs are successfully outlawed —
Jeff:
Right. We won the war on drugs.
Casey:
And all of his favorite strip clubs are there.
Jeff:
He w- Ochocinco won the war on drugs.
Casey:
Pretty much.
Jeff:
Yup.
Casey:
And, oh, & Frank Sinatra, performing nightly.
Jeff:
Blaring at all times.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
From big golden loudspeakers.
Casey:
Right. Well, water conducts, you know, music, sound waves, very well, so that should be fine.
Jeff:
It- as- as part of a whole, like, he only imagines things that he sees. . .
Casey:
That he, that are in his life, right. . .
Jeff:
There’s, there’s. . .
Casey:
It’s like, it’s like Silence of the Lambs, like, you covet what you see every day, right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. Exactly. Right.
Jeff:
‘Put it in the basket, Ocho.’ Right.
Casey:
Yeah. ‘Clarice.’
Jeff:
So there’s a, a part in there where he talks about, uh, his cars that he has not in Miami, his home. . .
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
But he has some cars in Cincinnati. Or in ‘The ’Nati,’ as he calls it.
Casey:
Right, yeah, right, that’s right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And he refers to one of ‘em, is, he has —
Casey:
Do you want me to reference this for you — or -okay, you got it, oh. . .
Jeff:
No it’s okay, I can go by, I just read it.
Jeff:
He refers to a Dodge Charger that he owns, which is exactly like the General Lee.
Casey:
Ah, right.
Jeff:
It’s a General Lee —
Casey:
Yup.
Jeff:
Only he’s painted it black & gray.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right. And he didn’t paint a confederate flag —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
On there because he’s a black man, he points out, look —
Casey:
“That’s bullshit.”
Jeff:
‘That’s bullshit.’
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But he labeled the car where the flag would be, General Ochocinco.
Casey:
Pfffff —
Jeff:
And you’re like —
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
What the fuck? It’s not the right color —
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
It’s, I, it-it’s, you’ve gotten rid of the j- flag; I don’t know what it honks, but I’m sure it’s not, um, ‘Dixie.’
Casey:
Right; right.
Jeff:
I’m sure it’s like ‘OH-CHO’. . .
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And he goes on, like, you forget about that —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Three chapters later he goes, ‘I love Cincinnati. I tried to get out of here, but then I couldn’t & now I love it. Listen, I leave the General Ochocinco running on the side of the ro-'
Casey:
Hahahaha!
Jeff:
He just refers to it, now that he’s explained it previously —
Casey:
It’s like, it’s like prior, yeah, it’s p-, yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Right, he set it up, with like some symbolism, so that later on he can refer to the thing —
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s actually pretty smart.
Casey:
It’s like Rosebud.
Jeff:
Exactly. He planted that little thing.
Casey:
Right, it’s like, oh here it comes in. It’s like the whole time, it was his sled.
Jeff:
So how goddamn awful is your life, when like, Yahoo! Books or whatever, who publishes this —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Calls you up & says, 'Look, I hear you're hurting, your wife left you, I see that you're behind on your child support payment, I have a project you can do, it's guaranteed
Jeff:
money’ —
Casey:
Yup.
Casey:
‘All you have to do is convert the story of Ochosingo, uh, -cinco. Uh, it’s-it’s a story of, um, you know, of of a little rogue that grew up to be a hero. I think you’ll find it, you know, uh, enlightening & I think you'll be able to turn it -' And then, yeah - Right. Right. It's like Romeo & Juliet but with football.
Jeff:
And then you show up, & Chad's probably like two hours late, right? First off he doesn't show up on time.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then he just starts going while you’re taking notes as fast as you can —
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
Do you kill yourself after the book’s published or like a year later when you’ve used all that money up?
Casey:
Right, I’m assuming that, I’m assuming there’s shit like —
Jeff:
Because I think he’s gonna be dead.
Casey:
‘Mr. Ochocinco, could you, I can’t quite hear you from underneath the covers, could you like’ —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
‘Slide out for a second & just pause while I, you know, so we can finish telling me about this fucking planet.'
Jeff:
Urraagh, goddamn, it’s gotta be the worst, the worst literary job ever —
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right? Holy shit.
Casey:
Well, I’m imagining that there’s probably, like, you have an eight hour day, or whatever —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That you have to work with him. Yup.
Casey:
Fifteen minutes, probably, roughly of that is Ochocinco telling you shit that’s actually going to go into the book. Everything else around it is like the four hours that it takes Ochocinco to like get settled in to tell you the fifteen minutes.
Jeff:
Ah ha ha ha ha ha. . .
Casey:
He like, oh come on in, check out my plexiglass walkway, yeah it’s fly, yo, right, you know, all this shit like that —
Jeff:
You’ll be fine.
Casey:
Right, it’s awesome, you got, you want something to drink, check out my fridge, you know, all this shit. Come on in.
Jeff:
There’s no alcohol in here.
Casey:
There’s no alcohol in there, no drugs —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But you can have anything you want in here, you know what. . .
Jeff:
It’s crazy. It is crazy.
Casey:
Eventually, three hours later, after you’ve had to go through all the, played pool with him or god knows what the fuck else he’d want you to do, then he tells you fifteen minutes of shitty material —
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then he’s off topic. He’s so far off topic at that point you can’t even use it.
Jeff:
‘You know, I-I think I got enough for today, Ocho.’
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
‘I’m gonna go home.’
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
‘I’mna take a Demerol.’
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
‘And I’m gonna to try to think about not killing myself before tomorrow.’
Casey:
..Self . . .tomorrow.
Jeff:
And then he shows up.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, well, that’s another little, you know, Happy Holidays.
Casey:
Happy Holidays.
Jeff:
Little thought.
Casey:
From the Jeff & Casey Show, here on day eleven.
Jeff:
And you can get that, you can get that for your loved ones, I think they’d appreciate it.
Casey:
That’s true, that could be a good gift, that could be a good gift for going into the new year —
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
Although this is after the New Year, so I guess that doesn’t help.
Jeff:
Oh that’s right, we are, we are way at well past Christmas at this point.
Casey:
I don’t know what you’re gonna get — President’s Day?
Jeff:
Oh my god. . .
Casey:
Valentine’s Day? Valentine’s Day!
Jeff:
Boxing Day?
Casey:
You could get your significant other — O
Jeff:
h my god, yes.
Casey:
‘Ochocinco,’ the book. The man, the book.
Jeff:
That’s right. Hu hu, the man the book.
Casey:
Ladies & gentlemen.
Jeff:
Alright everybody, it’s late in the night.
Casey:
It is late in the night, one more to go.
Jeff:
But we are about to enter Day Twelve.
Casey:
Day Twelve of the Twelve Days of Podcast.
Jeff:
Of the Twelve Days of Christmas. And it’s twelve drummers motherfucking drumming.
Casey:
. . .Drumming.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody, we will see you tomorrow.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 37
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