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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
CSI: Brazillian
"Every time he identifies a vagina, they save a million dollars."
Original air date: December 31st, 2009
Topics. Government nepotism. The Pink Panther. CSI. Pornography problem. The USA Network. Mechanical Turk. Genitalia. Colombo. Disorder. Monk. House. Psych. Biometrics. Sherlock Holmes. The FBI. Addiction. Google.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey Everybody. Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show, here on day number eight
Jeff:
. . .day nine
Casey:
You wish it was day nine.
Jeff:
It’s day eight?
Casey:
It’s day eight
Jeff:
holy cow
Casey:
. . .of our twelve days of podcast, the eight maids of milking day
Jeff:
Yes we’ve been pod casting for five or six hours now
Casey:
we have been, we have been pod casting. . .
Jeff:
remember we said like look we’ll just do like ten minute ones for each one
Casey:
I knew that was never going to happen that’s how I got you to buy off on my idea about the twelve days of Christmas
Jeff:
we have not had a description, I mean a discussion of anything
Casey:
we, you and I couldn’t agree on what the price of bus fare was in less than forty- five minutes, so, and granted we would agree on what the fare was in the first thirty seconds
Jeff:
right
Casey:
. . .but the actual length of time we would talk about it would be forty five minutes
Jeff:
right, because there’s a of people lost from. . .
Casey:
. . .it would culminate into something about, like, handicapped people fucking up society or something, right like something ridiculous like that
Jeff:
. . .okay it’s true
Casey:
alright
Jeff:
so what today is
Casey:
today is the eighth day, eight maids of milking
Jeff:
okay maids of milking
Casey:
today this is a topic that you brought up because I didn’t see this, so why don’t you go ahead and explain it since I’m not entirely certain
Jeff:
so this was just a post, not attributed,
Casey:
that you read
Jeff:
that simply said, “I think I have a pornography problem, today I was handed a picture or I was sent or I obtained the picture
Casey:
somehow
Jeff:
. . .of the female genitalia area“
Casey:
with no further. . .
Jeff:
with a zoomed up photo; its right in there
Casey:
ok
Jeff:
and he said or he claimed that I was able to deduce
Casey:
he was able to deduce
Jeff:
right he was able to deduce. yeah this wasn’t me I mean I’d like to have this power
Casey:
there was a Freudian I in there and you have failed to attribute this to anyone else, you claim to have seen it quote on quote or read it
Jeff:
he claimed that he could determine the nationality of the person by just the picture of this area
Casey:
right
Jeff:
okay
Casey:
yeah
Jeff:
and he believed this posed a problem to him
Casey:
right he suspected he might have a pornography problem
Jeff:
he’s looking at too much pornography which allows him to make these leaps, these house level deductions
Casey:
right
Jeff:
these Sherlock Holmes level, you know eliminate all other vag’s and whatever vag remains must be the vag
Casey:
right Alcom’s vagina.
Jeff:
exactly
Casey:
as it were. well here’s what I’d say about that yes
Jeff:
what Casey I would say yes he does have a pornography problem. now problem in this case I don’t want to suggest that it’s like something he needs to fix if he likes looking at vagina all day long and it’s not posing any its basically the textbook definition of a neuroses or whatever
Jeff:
right
Casey:
if it’s not affecting the ability to live your life then it’s not really a problem per say
Jeff:
I see he’s like a functional addict
Casey:
perhaps. It’s like you know if you have obsessive disorder it’s not a disorder per say until it starts to prevent you from being able to live your life effectively.
Jeff:
to make a living or whatever
Casey:
right
Jeff:
right
Casey:
it’s just something that’s the way you are
Jeff:
it defines you in some way
Casey:
if he’s got some kinda screen saver that’s like you know 24 frames a second each one a different spread and he’s just running through that shit all day long
Jeff:
right
Casey:
but he’s still holding down a job and posting his rent or whatever and everything’s fine, I don’t see what the problem is, but. . .
Jeff:
so that’ll be like when they show on a movie when the FBI shows like searching and it searches
Casey:
bleedebleedeblee yeah
Jeff:
and you know
Casey:
and it’s got some bio metrics on there its drawing little triangles it’s like shit, its mapping it all out
Jeff:
we have image search right now in Google. when I ask Google to search for a picture of something it doesn’t show a bunch of pictures flashing through and people are used the fact of how search works yet the movies still show you something flashing by
Casey:
and again I have to object to your objection
Jeff:
ok
Casey:
. . .because if you have ever used any government software of any kind, you know something that was obviously written on contract you know by some company probably sub contracted
Jeff:
IBM local services or whoever, right
Casey:
if you’re lucky if you’re unlucky its something run by the vice president he had to sell his shares wink wink right and its sort of a software company or whatever the fuck that software its not that somebody wrote it to like flash through all the images right its that they couldn’t figure out how to load an image without displaying it on the screen
Jeff:
oh I see
Casey:
because that’s the one function they had
Jeff:
right
Casey:
to call that someone else wrote
Jeff:
right so they had a library function that displays an image on the screen and then they used I-bit to extract it off the video card. . .
Casey:
yea that is what’s happening. So Google, actually has some engineers that know what they’re doing they wrote a search that doesn’t feel the need to show you every fucking image its looking at
Jeff:
I see, get d- bits I understand
Casey:
so I think you are ascribing to malice what could be more readily ascribed to incompetence if you will, to sort of misapply the phrase there, and that is legitimately what it probably looks like at the FBI if you do an image search it probably takes three hours to search for the vagina you want and it probably does show them all
Jeff:
right.
Casey:
yeah
Jeff:
now what I wanna see is the USA network in particular has specialized in shows dealing with broken people
Casey:
you know, like lifetime, the lifetime movie
Jeff:
no it’s not that I was saying that this probably started with Colombo where you have a person who is a little off, quite a bit off
Casey:
oh like monk, and house and so on
Jeff:
and yet is highly functional, yeah like monk, house, Psych. USA that’s all their shows now. characters welcome? it should be saying freaks welcome.
Casey:
right yeah
Jeff:
I mean these are people that are fucked up and yet use their fucked up, like this goes for Sherlock Holmes in the seventies which you’ve been a fan of recently, it is a formula now to take a person who is highly effective and yet broken in some way who re-channels that skill into a useful thing. can we make a show. . .
Casey:
about this guy
Jeff:
yes with like the vag master or like, yes
Casey:
I understand what you’re saying
Jeff:
because the FBI could use that shit right
Casey:
the pink panther is the phrase that I’m thinking of, like the detective show name that fits this guy,
Jeff:
it shouldn’t be a comedy though, it’s gotta be fully serious. he’s taking his sunglasses off and say “we’re dealing with a Hawaiian here”
Casey:
right so you’re talking about more of a CSI colon vagina
Jeff:
right CSI colon below the belt exactly
Casey:
yeah CSI Bermuda, right
Jeff:
and he can tell all kinds of stuff and he has a team
Casey:
right CSI Brazilian
Jeff:
in CSI Brazilian he has a team that’s not as good as him. Like sometimes they can intuit something but usually he has to guide them through the valley of darkness
Casey:
well I’m trying to think of, I’m not sure Jeff, based on what you said so far which show template you’re basing it on because you’ve mentioned a lot of them. Like if it’s house, then he probably has like the giant vagina shot up on the wall, backlit or something. And he’s thinking about and thinking about it and he cant quite nail the vagina so to speak,
Jeff:
more detail, right
Casey:
and then somebody says something, he’s off, like they make him work clinic hours- he has to wax people or whatever, bullshit that’s below him yeah it’s beneath him,
Jeff:
he has to do it
Casey:
he has do it, and then while he’s waxing someone and being a dick about it, so to speak,
Jeff:
he has an epiphany
Casey:
he has an epiphany, he’s like oh my god, he runs back upstairs, sees the vagina, and he’s like that’s what I’m missing
Jeff:
exactly
Casey:
this mole right here or whatever the fuck
Jeff:
or this shape that’s been shaved here,
Casey:
yeah in the fold,
Jeff:
is actually you know
Casey:
and I can see when looking at it upside down because he was shaving at an odd angle and he didn’t think of it and whatever yeah
Jeff:
he rotated it and saw that its the Chinese symbol for help or something
Casey:
right and he solves the mystery, vagina identified. and then you’re good. now where this guy has been employed for this purpose you have failed to give me any indication
Jeff:
oh that’s clearly, clearly FBI. the FBI needs people like this
Casey:
see I don’t think so FBI does me no good right here, business context. I wanna go deep so to speak I’ve got so many good ones in here, I wanna go deep on this and tie it back to like episode 3 first season kind of thing. I want to tie it back hard. I want the readers of hustler to only compromise here and say that if you remember correctly there was a time when there was an offer made on Elliot Spitzer’s prostitute. A million dollars if you take everything off
Jeff:
not halfway because hustler readers don’t compromise
Casey:
however that offer was rescinded.
Jeff:
it was, right
Casey:
and it turns out that it was rescinded, and it wasn’t the hustler people who had this, because the spring break people, girls gone wild,
Jeff:
girls gone wild photos
Casey:
had found that she had already gone wild
Jeff:
right they combed the archive
Casey:
a million dollars not necessary
Jeff:
right we already had it
Casey:
and hopefully you can see where I’m going with this
Jeff:
oh my god you’re right
Casey:
in that episode we asked the question how did they find her.
Jeff:
You’re right
Casey:
what technology do they have and the answer is this fucking guy
Jeff:
this guy he’s like the mechanical clerk. . .
Casey:
he’s the guy he can guess, he’s the out sort vampire..
Jeff:
he’s the tick tick tick tick tick, I need a ten minute break.
Casey:
he’s sitting there. yeah
Jeff:
tick tick tick tick tick
Casey:
I’m thinking its like micro feed, he’s like wait a minute! back up! that’s it.
Jeff:
wow you’re probably right
Casey:
that’s when he’s working he’s working for that dude the girls gone wild guy that sleaze guy
Jeff:
to save them a million dollars.
Casey:
to save them every time he identifies a vagina they save a million dollars tell me that’s not worth it. he is basically the lynch pin of their operation
Jeff:
but he probably has like a mad internet hire
Casey:
yeah they probably pay him like a hundred thousand dollars a day or some shit. every time, his commission on that, every time he identifies a vagina he comes home with some serious cash
Jeff:
that’s true I didn’t even think of that that’s totally true he already exists he already has the job we don’t need the show this is going to be reality television which is even better
Casey:
cheaper to produce, more popular. Everyone wins except us.
Jeff:
exactly alright. Well that’s awesome; I think we’ve tied everything together
Casey:
we have ladies and gentlemen day eight of the eight of the twelve, I always wanna say the number that I say
Jeff:
right
Casey:
day eight of the twelve days of podcast on the Jeff and Casey show. Vagina identified, the day has been saved, tied back all the way to one of our very first episodes
Jeff:
in season one that’s right.
Casey:
for your Christmas enjoyment
Jeff:
have a great day
Casey:
have a fantastic day
Jeff:
and we will see you tomorrow with day nine
Casey:
on day nine the nine ladies dancing
Jeff:
nine ladies dancing
Casey:
hopefully with their bottoms on or this guy will have you ID’d
Jeff:
you’re right he will, he’ll match you up
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 34
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