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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Rudolph the Mutant Reindeer
"At the end of the day, this is the guy who wants everyone on his lap."
Original air date: December 30th, 2009
Topics. Teabagging. Sex tapes. Santa Claus. Swan. Eating disorders. Goose. Christmas carols. GPS. Mannheim Steamroller. Garmin. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Naughty list. Birth defects. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Smoking.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome back to the Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show here on the 7th day of our 12 days of podcast, the 7 swans a swimming day, well, based on the classic song.
Jeff:
Swans don’t swim, they just like paddle.
Casey:
I don’t really know-
Jeff:
Swans are paddling.
Casey:
I don’t really-
Jeff:
You know swans are really pretty but boy they shit a lot.
Casey:
That’s geese.
Jeff:
Is there a difference between swans and geese?
Casey:
I don’t think they are related.
Jeff:
They’re different?
Casey:
Are they the same?
Jeff:
Well I don’t know. Casey : Well I didn’t know that, ok well maybe they are, well you know what, you’re the animal guy, so why the fuck I don’t know, swan and geese could be the same thing for all I know, they look similar.
Jeff:
I don’t know, yea, certainly, yea close enough.
Casey:
Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter, I don’t know, well if there is a listener who knows the difference between a swan and a goose or maybe that they’re the same, then write in!
Jeff:
Let us know!
Casey:
We won’t actually bother to go back and correct this, but we will learn it for ourselves.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
And then we’ll be the better for it.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Now today, today we’ll be talking about what you’ve been hearing for the past few months, probably, because as soon as thanksgiving’s past, all of the retail establishments start piping in Christmas carols.
Jeff:
Oh, music, that plays all the time.
Casey:
Yeah, they pipe in tunes and they pipe in classic Christmas carols.
Jeff:
And they play it down outside on Park Place down below us with loudspeakers and screaming and it goes 24 hours a day and I walk home at five and it’s still playing-
Casey:
Merry fucking Christmas.
Jeff:
And it’s like you’ll get killed, right here, psycho Santa.
Casey:
And of course, there is always like the pop star, does their rendition of the Christmas carols of the holidays. 12 songs, improvising on jingle bells.
Jeff:
If I have to hear another Manhattan, Manheim steamroller, if I have to hear another one of them songs, I have to kill myself.
Casey:
And today, we’re going to talk some things, because Paula Parker, one of our long time fans, who is the reason there is shit posted on our twitter, because she was the one who requested that we post pictures of stuff.
Jeff:
I thought it was in fact Lady Action and not Lady Danger who requested.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
really?
Casey:
It was Paula who said, I’m sick of it just of the twitter just having on the shows, I want some “fanter” on there.
Jeff:
Oh OK.
Casey:
And what she brought up today is-
Jeff:
Let’s just refer to them as Ladies Action and Danger cuz its better, so. Lady Action-
Casey:
I don’t care. Point being, the same person, who brought up the fact that we needed banter on the twitter, I was talking to her on the phone today, and she brought up the point that we should talk about Christmas songs
Jeff:
All right.
Casey:
because she says they are all a bunch of bullshit, and she doesn’t mean bullshit like they are annoying or bullshit that they don’t make any sense or anything like that, she was specifically referring to the fact that they tell stories that would never happen that way.
Jeff:
Oh I see, she doesn’t like the accuracy.
Casey:
She feels like they are misrepresenting the human condition.
Jeff:
I understand, OK.
Casey:
Example, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Jeff:
Yes, OK, yes.
Jeff:
Here you have a reindeer- Basically an animal link of a song.
Casey:
Yes, basically an animal link of a song so he’s right up your alley. Basically what you have here is you have a reindeer who’s born basically horribly deformed. I mean let’s get it right out in the open right? This is basically a down-syndrome baby. I mean, this thing is fucked up, it’s a mutant, it’s X-men, OK?
Jeff:
So it’s got something, like some part of it, glows like, some weird jellyfish on the end of his nose.
Casey:
Ok, I mean just like imagine if there was a human child, if some part of its body glowed, that’s not like oh, cool, that’s like holy shit it’s fucking mutated, right?
Jeff:
Right, something’s wrong.
Casey:
And I guarantee you it’s not going to be like the artist’s depiction of Rudolph’s the red-nosed reindeer, it’s not going to be like this pretty red orb of a glowing, it’s going to be horribly deforming with like weird shit with veins going through it. It’s going to be fucked up right? OK?
Jeff:
Right, that’s the other thing you have to mention here, is generally when you have a genetic deformity in the person or animal, it’s not isolated, it’s not the only one right-
Casey:
Right, so there’s another part of Rudolph that you don’t see that is probably glowing.
Jeff:
So they left out the thing like, his ass is glowing, his feet, he has 3 legs in the back, and one of them doesn’t really work, and the hooves, it’s not pretty.
Casey:
It’s like Rudolph the gimped nut, gimped leg reindeer.
Jeff:
Yes it got shortened but he’s got many things going on.
Casey:
Right so point being, you’ve got a horribly horribly deformed reindeer.
Jeff:
Merry Christmas.
Casey:
Right, merry Christmas. And rightfully so, no one wants to hang around with it because holy shit, it’s horribly deformed. I don’t know where you grew up or what your childhood was like, but like basically, they kept-
Jeff:
I didn’t know any kids who glowed.
Casey:
The case class was separate right? They did not have, it was not just like, people were freaked out by the deformed kids or something, it’s like they actually fucking kept them in a separate classroom ok? And there’s a reason for that, OK?
Jeff:
And not out of malice, they were worried, like they were worried about how he would be treated.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And in this case it turned out to be somewhat valid.
Casey:
Yes, because what happens in a reindeer case when don’t have a special-ed classroom-
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For the deformed reindeer is he basically gets the cold shoulder from everyone, and made fun of, and he doesn’t get to play in the reindeer games, now I don’t know what kind of games reindeers play, because I’ve seen-
Jeff:
Tea bagging, like they’re doing all kinds of horrible things to him, like holding him down he’s like “aah”.
Casey:
All that shit.
Jeff:
And it’s not good.
Casey:
And I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed but it’s like, when you’re, you’ve been up-ended as a deer, it’s hard to right yourself, you’re four-legged, it’s not easy, it’s like cow-tipping , ok?
Jeff:
And you’ve got three legs and it doesn’t make it easier, ‘cause you got a little tripod in the back but it’s not enough.
Casey:
It’s not helping right, it’s not like the fifth wheel on the car that parked itself. It’s just this sort of gimped thing that’s there, just freaking your family out.
Jeff:
It doesn’t work very well, and sometimes the knee bends the wrong way and that’s not right at all.
Casey:
Yes that’s not right at all, anyway, point being he is an outcast, alright?
Jeff:
He is.
Casey:
They don’t discuss, and the song doesn’t address whether he is like all there mentally, or what the situation is and whether he turns to drugs, there would probably be a lot of problems if you were just a normal kid with a functioning brain and then you have this like horrible tumor, I don’t even know.
Jeff:
There is something going on here.
Casey:
There are people who take advantage of you, right, like there’s all kinds of things that would be problematic there I would imagine, low self-esteem, everything else. Probably overeat; he’d be fat, a fat fucking reindeer.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I would imagine, right?
Jeff:
Kind of self-medicating.
Casey:
He’s probably, right? He’d probably be into drugs, this sort of thing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anyway-
Jeff:
The cookies aren’t loved.
Casey:
They don’t want to play the reindeer games right? And what we are meant to believe at the end of this story is that for some reason, it is bad weather conditions.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And Santa Claus, who as far as we know, has been just as much of a dick through this whole process as all the rest of the reindeers, right? He was never exonerated in this song, they do not suggest that he was, like, trying to take a special interest in Rudolph, they did not suggest he was a father figure.
Jeff:
He did not pull the other reindeer aside and said look, straighten you guys out, or else you’re off the sleigh.
Casey:
He’s just different, he’s not worse, well he is worse, but he’s not appreciably worse, you can still be friends with him right? Whatever the fuck.
Jeff:
Like he’s going to die soon, alright? That tumor is enormous.
Casey:
The gimped leg, it freaks me the fuck out too, fine right?
Jeff:
Exactly, I’m staring right into it. Like all the way.
Casey:
Exactly, it’s like Jesus Christ.
Jeff:
It’s terrible.
Casey:
Like, you’d think we can get one of our elves, like elf surgeons to take that shit off.
Jeff:
But we can’t.
Casey:
Anyways, he comes in, and he’s like, Rudolph, it’s foggy out, we need you to light the way for us, with your tumor nose.
Jeff:
Tumor nose, right.
Casey:
So let’s just, first of all, there are like two problems with this and I’ll address both of these separately, and this is where I think Paula had the problem as well, but I don’t know.
Jeff:
I understand.
Casey:
Problem number one
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
At this point, Rudolph, maybe I can see that he agrees potentially to this, even though he’s been shat upon his whole life, just because he is so desperate for acceptance.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right, you know what I mean? OK?
Jeff:
That’s one way to go.
Casey:
It’s not happy, this is, the fact that the song portrays that this as happy is bullshit, because it’s sad that in this situation, that he is still willing to do this for this asshole of a Santa Claus, who hasn’t helped him at all.
Jeff:
The amount of self-loathing you have as you led that sleigh, and you’re like, “you know what, I’m going to drive this into this thing into a 747 jet engine. ” Like, just because I can.
Casey:
Because no one else can see but me because of this giant fucking nose, OK?
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
So maybe he accepts, right?
Jeff:
Maybe, but it seems like, a little weird.
Casey:
But at this point, it’s like, I don’t buy the fact that an untrained reindeer who has never been any run before, probably has an eating disorder, out of shape, a smoker, probably, for all I know, who knows? Is going to get on this sleigh-
Jeff:
Right, 420 on the North Pole.
Casey:
Without passing out or dying of exhaustion is a load of horseshit. Seriously, that’s what I’m talking about.
Jeff:
Have you seen an overweight person try to catch a bus? It’s terrible. They’re dying. They get on the bus, and the bus might be cold and they’re still sweating. It’s not right. It is not right.
Casey:
Even if I buy, temporarily that Rudolph accepts because of his desperation, to this asshole Santa Claus and the rest of the reindeers who’ve been nothing but cocks the whole fucking time, that he gets on there and survives is completely ridiculous.
Jeff:
He’s physically incapable of doing that. There’s just no question.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
That’s one problem
Casey:
That’s one problem, and a serious problem. Problem number two: Santa Claus has never delivered presents in the daytime. I’ve never heard anything about that before. I’ve never heard anything that said, “Oh yeah, it’s daytime, we went, we delivered the presents, it’s fine”
Jeff:
It kinda breaks the suspension of disbelief if you see him stuck in traffic, say in Manhattan, waiting there.
Casey:
So I want to know. This whole time that they haven’t had mutant reindeer, it’s dark every time, there’s clouds, what exactly have they been doing prior to this situation. You’re telling me that in a hundred some odd years of delivering presents, two hundred some, however fucking long it’s been since we’ve had a Christmas with this particular bullshit version of Santa Claus, how have they been illuminating their path in the first fucking place? If for some reason light is so goddamned important to you, all of a sudden, how has it never been important before?
Jeff:
Well maybe the nose is not necessarily illuminating the way, but acting as some sort of GPS. Since it’s a big tumor and is probably somewhat radioactive, hence the glow, maybe Santa can use that to triangulate his position on some computer system on the sleigh. I mean you have to dumb down the story for children.
Casey:
So you think there’s possibly a much more complicated explanation.
Jeff:
Yeah, he’s like a Chernobyl reindeer that he picked up one year and grew into this freak of nature living Geiger counter of some sort that is satellite.. I don’t know! Because that’s the only thing that makes sense.
Casey:
I would have the exact same complaint even if that’s true. What were you fucking doing before? You never felt the need to triangulate your position before; all of a sudden you need a Garmin to deliver these fucking presents, like what’s going on here? It sounds wrong.
Jeff:
What’s the deal in the song? It’s foggy or it’s just bad weather?
Casey:
That’s a good question. It’s “Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight.” So it’s definitely like a homing sort of thing or something.
Jeff:
He’s in front
Casey:
It’s foggy Christmas Eve I believe is the line. “Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Jeff:
Well now, whenever I drive in fog, because we get fog in Seattle now and again, especially coming over the bridge, when I turn on my headlights, it makes it worse.
Casey:
Exactly
Jeff:
So that’s a problem as well
Casey:
The last thing you want in fog is a really bright, omni-directional light source. Because that’s basically going to make everything in front of you look red. That’s what you’re going to see.
Jeff:
So what the children are going to watch is this red spherical thing up in the clouds run right into..
Casey:
Pretty much John Denver into the first fucking mountain that they see because Santa, for some reason, thinks that now he’s got guidance, which he doesn’t. An untrained reindeer with a glowing appendage is supposed to somehow get him through the fog, which is ridiculous, and so I don’t know, I don’t understand how any of it works.
Jeff:
So I imagine the sequel to this song is like, very depressing.
Casey:
Here’s the other thing. Maybe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, so to speak.
Jeff:
A nose tumor at the end of the tunnel.
Casey:
Because I don’t want to leave our listeners with such a depressing Christmas story. And that’s what this pretty much has been so far. So I’m going to recast it now and try to make everything make sense in a way that’s like bright and cheery for your Christmas here at the Jeff and Casey show. Because I’m all about you, the listener having a wonderful Christmas.
Jeff:
That’s true
Casey:
I think what actually happened.
Jeff:
You have an explanation.
Casey:
I have an explanation. I think I know what happened.
Jeff:
And the songwriters took some liberties.
Casey:
No. I think the songwriters were basically telling the facts and leaving you to read the subtext, which is actually kind of a touching story.
Jeff:
Read between the lines.
Casey:
So here is my reinterpretation of Rudolph so it can still be a happy story. Yes, Rudolph is horribly deformed
Jeff:
Of course he is.
Casey:
No it does not help one fucking bit to have some glowing nose bullshit at the front of the sleigh, all that’s going to do is make things worse if anything at all. But Santa Claus actually is a kind and benevolent fellow and he has seen the reindeers mistreating Rudolph this entire time and he wants to do something about it. So he has been waiting for a foggy Christmas so that he can pretend that he needs Rudolph to guide his sleigh, which he does not need. Yes Rudolph is out of shape, he never could’ve done it, he’s probably not even hooked up to anything.
Jeff:
This is like JFK. This is like the second reindeer on the knoll.
Casey:
So what he’s done is he has lied to all the other reindeer because reindeer are fucking dumb as rocks, everyone knows that, if you’ve seen a fucking reindeer, the thing couldn’t get out of its way to save its own life, right. He lies to all of them, tells them that “Oh my god the weather’s so bad, it’s worse than we’ve ever seen it before, what can we possibly do, oh my god Rudolph will save the day,” and Santa Claus basically gives Rudolph the best Christmas present ever, which is making him out to be a hero even though he is actually a horribly decrepit mutant. But now all the Reindeer think he did something..
Jeff:
And they’re nice to him. They say “High five” and that funny little third leg goes up.
Casey:
Furthermore, what’s more, and I think this is maybe a bit of a dark side to it, but I think warranted, because some people, if nothing else, we are a Christian nation, we appreciate the concept of divine retribution, I feel that Santa Claus is adding a little fuck you to all those reindeer who shit on Rudolph this entire time by saying, “Guess what motherfuckers, that fat fucking chain smoker ain’t going to be pulling any of his own weight, so you seven get to work extra goddamned hard all night to pull my fat ass, which by the way hasn’t been dieting for the past year, and this sleigh with all the presents, stick that in your fucking antler and smoke it. Because they have to pull all the weight because he doesn’t know where he’s fucking going, he’s probably pulling in the wrong goddamn direction he doesn’t know shit.
Jeff:
He’s flying sideways
Casey:
I don’t know if you’ve ever done crew or anything like that but it’s a synchronized thing. They’ve got to gallop at the same pace, he’s all over the place
Jeff:
His arms are in there, he’s splashing
Casey:
God knows what’s going on there, he’s fucking everything up, and so I think Santa’s like “Yeah, that’s what you fucking get for being a bunch of dicks”
Jeff:
Now here the secret thing though is that that is a very deep and turned-around riddle wrapped inside an enigma kind of thing.
Casey:
It’s a beautiful song now that I think of it.
Jeff:
If it ever comes out though, Santa would have to be on the naughty list, he’d have to go on his own list, and then the whole universe is sucked into a vortex and it’s over. You can’t sell your gold to anybody, it’s just game over when this happens. So keep that a secret, listeners.
Casey:
It’s just between you and us. It’s interesting that you bring that up, actually because I feel like I just portrayed Santa in a very positive light.
Jeff:
He’s a little conniver.
Casey:
Here’s the thing. We should kind of measure that because I don’t want the Jeff and Casey show to go on the record as being pro-Santa. Because I’m not pro Santa.
Jeff:
The number of times I got coal?
Casey:
So I’ll temper that with the fact that if you think about Santa Claus is coming to town, that is some fucked up shit. Why does Santa Claus know these things about me that he supposedly knows? Why does he know whether I’m sleeping or awake? Why is Santa Claus looking into the bedrooms of all of these little boys and girls? What is he hoping to see exactly?
Jeff:
I think that when you hear about these sex tapes leaking they’re from one person. This guy’s been especially naughty, he leaks the tapes. It’s not coal, it’s a leaked tape.
Casey:
At the end of the day, this is the guy who wants everyone on his lap. He’s the creepy uncle and this song seems to really cement it for me. He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, why does he know that? Why is he using words like naughty, which in the vernacular pretty much refers to sexual activities?
Jeff:
Where is Chris Hansen and Dateline? We need these guys on the case.
Casey:
“Oh I was just here to deliver some presents, ho ho ho!” Really, and he’s got a transcript there that’s like Santa: “LOL” and it’s like Little Kid: “Oh did you want to get in the hot tub” and Santa: “Oh ho ho I’d love to get…” you know, blah blah blah.
Jeff:
I think that’s a dangerous thing. But that’s kind of a secret that someone knew the truth, knew Santa’s power, saw this, he knows everything; he sees everything, if someone gets onto this he just has them eliminated because he knows what’s going on. He knows your schedule, he knows everything. So what you have is a situation where someone knows the truth and this is a secret way of putting it out there, kind of like writing a rescue me on the back of some other thing and in code, you have to figure it out.
Casey:
Help, I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory is what you’re saying. He smuggled it out so that they wouldn’t see it. So Santa did a good thing for Rudolph but still a pedophile. He doesn’t have a bestiality problem is what we’ll say. He’s not racist if you will. He’s not speciest. But he is a pedophile; keep your kids away from Santa Claus if you know what’s good for them.
Jeff:
And he’s dangerous. Step away slowly and don’t look directly into his eyes whatever you do. Ok my friends, and that was day what?
Casey:
Day seven of the twelve days of podcast, the 7 swans of swimming day.
Jeff:
You know we probably should have done that one earlier, because people have already been, you know, Santa’s been taking care of them by now. Well, next year.
Casey:
That’s a good point. Well, sorry, if you got violated by Santa Claus, we are sorry for being too late, just think of us as being extra early for next year. So you can-
Jeff:
Show us on the nutcracker where Santa touched you, and we will take care of it.
Casey:
And we will take care of it. And we will see you tomorrow for day eight.
Jeff:
See you tomorrow for day eight, which is eight maids a milking, and boy will they be milking.
Casey:
Oh, oh my goodness. All right, and we will see you tomorrow.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 33
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