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No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Robert's Rules of Racism
"It's the gift that's racist, not you."
Original air date: December 28th, 2009
Topics. Arbitrage. Mel Gibson. The Postal Service. Birth of a Nation. The Twelve Days of Christmas. The Clinton corkscrew. Recursion. Chia Obama. Left Behind. Gifts. Paris Hilton. Twilight. Cash for gold. Afros. Expected value. Apocalypse. Gold teeth. Accentuation. Racism. Sarah Palin.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Jeff:
Here on day 5.
Casey:
This is day 5 of the 12 days of podcast. The 5 golden rings day.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You know what, here’s the question that I have before we get started on this here. Today’s topic is sort of about guests a little bit. It starts off about guests anyway. Maybe it’s not so about guests in the end, but we’ll see. So one of the questions of have is the 12 days of Christmas song, not necessarily 12 days of Christmas, which we said is a lot of epiphany and all this other Christian bullshit. The song is recursive in some sense in that every day you get a new set of gifts; you also appear to be getting all the previous days’ worth of gifts again. That’s the question that I had. So for example, when you get 5 golden rings…
Jeff:
You can write with a duff’s device thing. You put the 12 at the top and you jump to the first one and it would keep… exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. So I don’t really know. I was wondering this because I don’t know what the correct interpretation of the song actually is. I’m wondering, do you only get that day’s gifts, or do you get all of the other ones. It says, it doesn’t resay on the 4th day of Christmas, it says on the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds. There was a comma. It doesn’t say again on the fourth day. So it seems to me like you get the 5 golden rings on the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th days, so that’s 8 x 5, that’s 40 sets of rings.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Well not sets, but 40 golden rings.
Jeff:
That’s awesome. That’s a lot of rings.
Casey:
That’s a lot of fucking rings. You can write some of those down. You know those ads they have, where they are like send in your gold and we’ll send you cash for gold? You can send those in and get cash for gold.
Jeff:
by the way the commercials for sending your gold for money, sign of the apocalypse. Right there, if you were unaware of huh, that’s kind of weird, not it’s not weird. It’s the end day. Just so you know, financially, we’re fucked. Right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
When we’re pulling teeth out of our dead relatives to mail to some douche bag on the line who’s going to sell Chia pets in the next segment, we’re fucked. We are fu huh u hucked.
Casey:
Here’s the other aspect of that. When any of you out there are unaware of exactly how fucked we are thanks to the financial system of the world, just keep in mind that the cash for gold commercials, that’s what that is telling you. It’s like you know what, there’s a reason they want this gold. It’s because it’s the only thing that’s worth anything. It’s the only thing that will be worth anything.
Jeff:
They will give these dollars back that are so worth so little…
Casey:
By the time they mail you the cash for the gold that you send them, it will already, in the five days in the mail that gold will be worth more than the dollars you’re getting. Even if they are paying you the dollar amount its worth, which it’s not.
Jeff:
That’s the postal service of the triage system.
Casey:
I would like to see something like one of those things, where the treasury secretary says that everything is fine and stabilized followed by one of those cash for gold commercials. Oh really, is it?
Jeff:
Followed by another commercial saying the gold is outlawed.
Casey:
Exactly. By the way, send the gold to these people and they will send you some money because in 5 days you won’t possess it anymore.
Jeff:
We’re going to go to them, take their gold, and hold onto it. It will be fine. Which has happened.
Casey:
Yes it has. In case you were wondering, they absolutely did. Point being, on this segment today it’s basically based on a gift that Jeff received…
Jeff:
Yes, from my good friend Kire.
Casey:
Who previously sent him a Bill Clinton Cork Screw Wine Opener well the cork screw comes out of his gentalia area. His crotch. It’s a crotch screw.
Jeff:
Kire always gets me silly gifts and does the thing of I can’t get you anything so I’ll get you the silliest thing I can find. One of them was the Bill Clinton Cork Screw which in itself…
Casey:
But the latest on is a newsworthy item it turns out.
Jeff:
It is in fact a Chia Obama.
Casey:
Right on it, it says special edition.
Jeff:
It is a special edition.
Casey:
I’m not sure why it’s special.
Jeff:
One thing, this is the Chia Obama. This is the happy Obama.
Casey:
Is there a sad Obama?
Jeff:
No there’s a determined Obama.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah, because he’s smiling here and it’s pressing his lips here.
Casey:
It’s basically this I’m going to take care of America thing and it’s also like, “hey, there’s my wife and kids.” You can have two different Chia Obamas. I would like to state for the record…
Jeff:
Tell them what a Chia pet is, because maybe not everyone knows. Especially because we have a lot of listeners.
Casey:
I also want to say also that it looks nothing like Barrack Obama. Also, just for starters. But let’s ignore that for now.
Jeff:
He looks a little.. I don’t know what’s going on.
Casey:
It doesn’t look anything like him. But point being, the Chia Obama, if you don’t know what a Chia star is, a Chia x, it started with the thing called the Chia pet, and it’s this basically this ceramic creature that you spread some shit… it comes with paste that you spread on top of it and you water it, and it sprouts seeds. It basically is just sprouts you would eat in salad. Just grass. That kind of shit. It grows out of there. I have no idea why these were popular. I have no idea why anyone wants them. They are not pretty. It’s not an attractive growth. It doesn’t have a flower. It doesn’t have a pretty flower or color. It’s just grassy.
Jeff:
They’ve been popular for decades.
Casey:
And after Chia pet, they had lots of other Chia things. Right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Chia head was one of them, and now it looks like instead of a generic head, you can have actual celebrities. You can buy barrack Obama in one of them. That is not the reason this is newsworthy.
Jeff:
Probably not all celebrities because you have to have celebrities that you have special affinity for.
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
So in one of the more popular…
Casey:
Right, exactly. For example you could have a Paris Hilton one, it probably wouldn’t be the head, but you could have a Paris Hilton one that you need to spread something on and that things grew out of, for example.
Jeff:
The green would be very accurate in general.
Casey:
Point being, the Chia Obama is a head and you spread the Chia seeds where his hair would be, and it grows.
Jeff:
It grows.
Casey:
IT turns out, this was not considered kosher, if you will, considered acceptable and politically correct by…
Jeff:
Let’s keep our Jewish theme, go with kosher.
Casey:
It was not necessarily considered kosher by everyone, was it the African American community?
Jeff:
I think in general there’s been a lot of complaints.
Casey:
Okay, just in general. So it was not specifically racial in terms of who was responding. But it was a racial component to the outcry over the Chia Obama.
Jeff:
Right, so part of the problem is the way that it’s set up is you rub the paste on his head, and he grows an afro. A green afro there and you get that.
Casey:
That’s how a Chia head works. That’s how it’s always worked.
Jeff:
So, there were a lot of complaints saying this is racist. I think the New Yorker had a bit on it, and whatever.
Casey:
The reason it’s racist or whatever is because of the association of afros with black people?
Jeff:
Yes. That is probably the largest problem. The other problem is they’ve not done a president before, and let’s do the first president who can actually grow an afro.
Casey:
Oh, so maybe if they had done a Chia Bush?
Jeff:
Yes. In any case, there was an outcry. There was an article in the New York Times, whatever. The owner of the company came out and said, “Listen, this is our bestselling Chia of all time. Apparently a lot of people don’t have a problem with it. I’m going to keep selling it because I don’t think it’s racial.”
Casey:
I saw also, I think quote from someone, but I’m not sure if it’s the president but someone affiliated with the corporation, saying why is an afro racist? Anyone cateethn grow an afro. Not anyone, but several races of people can grow one. It is not unique to a particular race of people.
Jeff:
So we were reading this. The owner of the company is making lots of money. He’s dug his heels in. he’s going to fight this to keep selling his bestselling item. There’s a flag on here, it’s patriotic. He claims he is a republican; however he did vote for Obama. He wanted to be for the soldier. So what we felt like is we needed some rules to determine this thing.
Casey:
So now is where the podcast kicks in as the we in that sentence is me and Jeff. Not the general population. We want to help you hear on this 5th day on the 12 days of podcast, we want to help you because you may be considering getting a Chia Obama for someone on their birthday next Christmas Eve and he’ll still be president. There will still be chi Obamas. Easter, who knows? Is it appropriate? Is it racist? If there are other things, are you going to get someone a tickle me Elmo? Is that racist? It doesn’t seem like it would be, but how do you know? How do you know? We are going to help you because Jeff has some ideas about how you can sort of in a full proof manner, determine it. It’s like racists or no racist.
Jeff:
Okay. The first sure fire way to know if something is racist is anyone asking is it racist? That’s the surest bet that it actually is.
Casey:
Right. So basically, if you ask the question, “is it racist?” the answer is always yes.
Jeff:
If that question pops into your crazy head, it’s racist. Okay? That’s the reason. That’s rule number one.
Casey:
So basically, what you’re saying is this is kind of the opposite of the off stated thing, which is if you can ask, “Am I crazy? Then you are not crazy.” This is the inverse of that. If you can ask, “Is this racist?” Then it’s racist.
Jeff:
Right. Okay, the second thing, a good surefire way to tell if something is racist is if in the defense of your decision, right? That it is not racist, you point out something like, “I have a lot of black friends.” Or, “I voted for Obama.” Those kinds of things. If you feel compelled to clear that up, it’s not important who you voted for, the fact that you’re saying that means you are trying to hide your racism. This guy couldn’t even hide it very well. No one knows who he voted for. He could have said, “I’m a lifelong democrat and I voted for Obama.” He couldn’t quite pull the sheet over his head, as it were, that white sheet over his head. He couldn’t get it all the way covered. He said, “I am republican, but look, I voted for Obama.”
Casey:
So basically, if I had to say on that particular thing right there, essentially we are starting out not knowing anything about you, the gift giver. So we assume that you are natural, right? The only reason you would have to demonstrate your non racism to us is if for some reason the gift was putting you in a deficit, and the only way you can put a deficit is if it is racist. You’ve got negative gifts, so you’re trying to put a positive. But it doesn’t matter who gave the gift. The gift is racist, not you.
Jeff:
This works for all things. If someone is insisting on how many gay friends he has, as soon as he says that, he is the biggest homophobe. And depending on how many friends he claims he has is how much a homophobe he is. It all multiplies out. Okay, so that’s the next one. Now this one, the third one, is pretty self-explanatory. If in your particular item that you are trying to figure out is racist or not, if the primary thing about that item accentuates a physical characteristic of a race of people that you do not share that accentuates that, it’s racist. So if you came up with some Chia Japanese where the eyes grew shut with green things, you’d say, “hold on that’s racist.” An afro is not racist, of course it’s not. The fact that the Chia part of the Chia pet is the racial component of those people makes it racist. That’s absurd that this is a debate. It’s separating the fact that an afro is not racial; it’s a symbol of everything that’s empowering about being a black person. But that’s not what you did. What you did it took that and subverts it in something comical when you accentuate that one thing.
Casey:
So what you’re saying is, probably, at the press conference they gave where they were like, “it’s not racist. Why is an afro racist?” There were 12 white guys on stage, none of whom had an afro, holding an Obama head with a gigantic green afro on it going, “Anyone can grow an afro. It’s not racist.”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Which suggests perhaps not everyone does grow an afro and your world is not filled with afro wearing people. Ergo your disconnect from the situation. These are good rules. These will be handy. I remember one rule that you have said in the past, but I don’t know if it was one you’re going to include here. It was basically, it was a rule of the form, if you feel like you can put this on your desk at work without having to explain it to anyone that comes by, without having to explain it away, you’re probably okay.
Jeff:
if you can put something on your desk that you would not reflects upon you in any way, then it’s non racist. If you think about like mmm, should I put this bill Clinton out there? Then you have a problem with that gift. The final rule that I have is that if you have to defend your product against racial insistence, and someone is saying this is racist. And your defense is “this product is our best seller.” That doesn’t mean it’s not racist, especially in America.
Casey:
The phrase minority by definition that the people you’re probably offending if you are racist against a minority is the smaller group of people.
Jeff:
not only that. If you say, “look, with this product I was able to successfully hit about 50%, pretty much everyone below a certain line of the country all bought one. You also have the clueless black people that think it’s a funny gift. So you get the act of racist, and the cross section of people that crosses into the races being portrayed, but if they are buying it as well, you have a best seller by definition. You could come out with the most racist thing in the world and it would be a reasonable seller anyway.
Casey:
Let’s just point out that historically speaking, some of our most commercial products have been racist, like Mel Gibson. Right? We have a track record of our most popular things not necessarily being inclusive or politically correct. So simply saying it’s a best seller that does not say anything. Right back to Birth of a Nation. We are not exactly in the business of insuring that our top items are somehow racially untainted. Look at Sarah Palin, look at Left Behind. Look at Twilight for all care. It’s not exactly the pantheon of tolerance of quality or good taste.
Jeff:
So those are my rules. If you follow those…
Casey:
If you follow those, you will have a nonracial holiday.
Jeff:
So what this means, even though this gift was given with the best intentions, it’s going to have to go in the trash because it’s really racist.
Casey:
I’m looking at it right now. The other thing we could say about that is, and I believe it’s Oliver Wendell Holmes, but I can’t remember the exact Supreme Court justice who said the famous quote of, “I can’t define what obscenity is when I see it.” You can’t remember all of the Robert’s rules. You can remember the one Casey rule that’s like, “You look at the Chia Obama, and you’re like, there’s a good chance this is racist.” I don’t think you have to apply the reason to a Robert’s test, the more formal test about obscenity. I don’t know that you necessarily have to apply all those to determine. You can look at and go, “That’s probably racist, and move on.”
Jeff:
If you’re racial, your spider sense tingles.
Casey:
Let’s just call it racist. Let’s face it, the penalty for picking a racist a gift and giving it, could be quite large. The penalty for not giving a racist gift, not that bad. You just buy something else.
Jeff:
You have to think of the EV of the gift. Yes it may go over right, but what if it doesn’t? It may not. Think about that. The value you get on that bet is not very high. Just get him a DVD. Not a racial DVD. Nothing with Mel Gibson. You’ll be fine.
Casey:
That’s a good thing you brought up there because we didn’t address this at all. It’s this, essentially, the penalty versus benefit for the gift. A Chia Obama is not going to change anyone’s life. It’s not like you’re giving them something they really want. So you really need to be sure that it is racist otherwise you do want to give it to them because it’s going to be great. IT’s a fucking Chia head. At the end of the day, let’s just be on the safe side.
Jeff:
Let’s not go there. Now what that means in the whole EV kind of bedding, that also means there is some very racial gift that is worth giving because it’s so good.
Casey:
It’s super racist, but it’s awesome.
Jeff:
I don’t know what it is. A solid gold lasso in some kind of noose, there’s a thing there you’re not quite sure of. There’s not that many things in the EV curve.
Casey:
It’s the Chia Obama that’s an auto blow. The head actually gives you head.
Jeff:
That’s possibly true. In those cases, that part of the EV curve, there’s not many items on there, you may not be able to afford them, you probably can’t. Bring them back to the other side of the EV curve, it’s alright. Go with the safe gift. Have a happy holiday.
Casey:
That’s where we’re at here on day 5. Everyone have a happy nonracial and non-racist holiday from the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
There are some racist babies out there, all babies are racist, but that’s okay.
Casey:
Just as a final thing to mention, not giving racist gifts in no way makes you any less racist. You are still a fucking racist at your core. We know it. You know it, we are too. Everyone is. The people who made the racist Chia Obama, the people who were protesting it, the people who were receiving it. They were all racists at hearts. We were born that way, its fine. We’re just saying don’t let it show around the holidays.
Jeff:
Exactly. Put a smile on everyone’s face.
Casey:
Alright everyone. We will see you tomorrow on our sixth day of the 12 days of podcast when our gift to you will be 6 geese a laying.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 31
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