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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Failing to Achieve the Escapism I Wanted
Original air date: December 26th, 2009
Topics. Giant spiders. Literature. Pedophile. French chickens. Slovinkia. Jesus. The Nutcracker. The Zoolights. Ballet. An apology to our listeners. Creepy uncles. The Christmas train. Racist dances. Tacoma. NASCAR.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
Third day of our 12 days of podcast.
Casey:
Yes, 12 days of podcast. Today is the three French hens day.
Jeff:
I thought hens were… are there French chickens?
Casey:
I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Jeff:
Is there a special chicken that smokes cigarettes and complains?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
it fucks all the other hens.
Casey:
Maybe I will lays egg, maybe I won’t. Yes, let’s see what you sticks Me.
Jeff:
Well, what is our topic for the third day? I don’t remember.
Casey:
Well, before we get into that, we wanted to apologize to you, the third king / listener.
Jeff:
we are the two kings.
Casey:
we are the two kings, you are the third king. Journeying towards epiphany when the baby Jesus in all his fecal ridden glory in the manger will present himself to us, and pee all over everything if he doesn’t have a diaper.
Jeff:
Maybe that’s the magic.
Casey:
Yes, yes. But basically, here’s what happened. The reason we’re getting the 12 days of Christmas is because our original Christmas special got cancelled.
Jeff:
That’s true. We had a huge plan for you guys.
Casey:
We had an extravaganza planned for you and the 12 days of podcast is almost our apology. But we’re not apologizing for us because we were ready. We’re apologizing for Santa express to the Zooance.
Jeff:
If you remember in the first season,
Casey:
Second season?
Jeff:
No first season.
Casey:
Okay. In the first season of podcast, towards the end, towards Christmas time, we brought to your attention and advertisement for some kind of fucked up train ride that’s like a Santa themed Christmas train ride to Tacoma, which why anyone would take a train to Tacoma I have no idea. But apparently people do and it’s Christmas. Anyway, you take the train down there, and this caught our attention other than the pedophile train. It’s that when you get there, it said you would be treated to a Christmas wonderland filled with giant spiders. It was freezing to that effect. Giant spiders.
Jeff:
And they put Christmas lights on…
Casey:
Well not on the spiders. But there’s Christmas lights, and giant spiders.
Jeff:
I assume the giant spiders are always there, and then they put lights on them…
Casey:
They don’t put the lights on the spiders.
Jeff:
I think they do… we don’t know because we didn’t get to go…
Casey:
It doesn’t matter, and I’m not going to touch that because it’s absolutely ridiculous.
Jeff:
No it’s not. It’s what you do. You’ve seen the cranes in Kirkland and shit…
Casey:
How do you expect people to take us crazy on the first podcast that we say that Christians are bat shit crazy, and you’re sitting here telling people you think they put Christmas lights on the spiders.
Jeff:
Yeah, the spiders aren’t alive. I assume…
Casey:
They are real spiders. It’s the fucking zoo. That’s why it’s called the Zoo lights. They have spiders.
Jeff:
They have big Mechanical rides too. I assume the giant spiders were the rides.
Casey:
We’re not going there. This is ridiculous. I don’t even want to know how we got to the big 3…
Jeff:
So you think there are giant real spiders?
Casey:
It’s spiders. It’s a spider zoo. You go and see the spiders. Kids do that. they like bugs. They look at bugs. They just do. There are spiders down there, there’s lights, it’s fine. They aren’t putting lights on the spiders. That’s not happening.
Jeff:
Okay, I agree.
Casey:
Just so we’re clear on that, they aren’t putting lights on the spiders.
Jeff:
Okay. Yes.
Casey:
Anyway, Jeff and I decided for Christmas we would go. So I go onto their website, two months in advance. I tried to buy the tickets, I filled out the form, I hit submit…
Jeff:
Like don’t do anything here, my credit card is going to get charged 5 times… and….
Casey:
Not to weeks ago, maybe days, a few days before the Santa land Express was going to take us to the Zoo Lights, and we thought we were going to get to go. We got an email back, really professional line by the way because on the CC line were all 5 people whose trip got cancelled, was a form letter informing us that they were out of space and we got bumped. I think what happens if they have a pedophile filter. They have a hookup with fucking Dateline or whatever that says if people book a train trip with no children. If it’s two adult males and no kids. They are like, “Forget it. They aren’t going anywhere.”
Jeff:
I had a plan for that. my plan was to pretend we were foreigners. I was going to convince you to stay in character the whole time, and I even had… i was like what if we say from Germany and someone from Germany is on the train. So I was like Slovenkia. I had made up this whole thing. I had crazy clothes that looks euro, I was ready to be in character for the six hours this would take.
Casey:
You didn’t share that plan with Me…
Jeff:
I was going to tell you you have to. You’d be down for it. If I said right before we got on the train that we were from slovenkia, and you’re from eastern Europe, you would have been like, “Yeah, I’m ready, let’s go, let’s do this. “ And we would have gotten on the train. I was fine. I needed a back story. I had a whole thing and we didn’t’ get to use any of it.
Casey:
It was beautiful when the wall came down.
Jeff:
It was. The wallskie.
Casey:
We could finally get fresh eggs. That was what bothered Me.
Jeff:
That was the holiday treat for you. But we got screwed. It would have been us actually doing the podcast, some reporting, some on location, maybe live, we have a field recorder, and recording Me going holy shit there are actual spiders and not rides like the things suggests.
Casey:
Because you thought you were going to get giant Mechanical spiders. In your mind it was like Wild West, the movie. There’s a giant Mechanical spider walking around.
Jeff:
Well in my mind, the spiders were Jewish. I don’t know if you knew that. but yeah, they represent the 8 legs of the apocalypse.
Casey:
So that’s why you’re getting this thing?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we’re going to move onto a favorite subject of mine, which is that at Christmas time, there’s a number of… you know this ties into our classic themes you’ve been pushing for some time Jeff but you had to cut one of the segments originally and we talked about this on the 12 days of podcast already, which is that there’s a fair number of works of ‘art,’ let’s say entertainment, which probably couldn’t make it in the world if it wasn’t for some special niche. Such as, Christian Rock bands.
Jeff:
Come inside of Me…
Casey:
Exactly. Another one of those things is the Nutcracker.
Jeff:
The Nutcracker?
Casey:
The Nutcracker. The ballet, and associated Christmas only shows. The shows that the only reason anyone is going to them is because it’s Christmas and they buy tickets to some Christmas thing. Right?
Jeff:
now if I can ask a question about it, is the Nutcracker a story? Is there a story? Or is it just like…
Casey:
Loosely. What do you Mean by that?
Jeff:
Is there a protagonist?
Casey:
Yes. There’s a little girl and the story is roughly that there’s a rat king, if you will, there’s a rat king, and this rat king has a rat army.
Jeff:
Why wouldn’t he?
Casey:
Indeed.
Jeff:
Are there Christmas lights on the rats?
Casey:
You know what, there are in most productions of the Nutcrackers, there’s all kinds of shit on the rats. You think you’re joking, but you’re wrong. We could I’m sure do a tally of Nutcracker productions where the rat’s eyes light up ,and it is non-zero in all fucking seriousness.
Jeff:
Oh, alright.
Casey:
Anyway, the rat king is vanquished by the braveries of the soldiers who are the little Nutcracker dudes. The uniformed wooden dudes who have the crankable things…
Jeff:
You think they’d make terrible soldiers. They aren’t very mobile.
Casey:
No they aren’t, but rats aren’t very hearty either. Point being, these two fictionalized armies battle it out, and the little girl witness here…
Jeff:
It’s like a whole army of C3POs where they don’t move very well, and they are trying to aim….
Casey:
Something like that. Well one thing I should also point out is the Nutcracker, part of the story is this particular Nutcracker doll who comes to life and fights the rats, is given to the girl by her crazy, creepy uncle. I don’t know if there’s a sexual thing going on there, I don’t need to know.
Jeff:
We need to see the original grin version in this…
Casey:
I don’t know. I’m sure there was some kind of touched by an uncle thing going on in there somewhere.
Jeff:
Nuts were actually touched and cracked eventually.
Casey:
Whatever, she gets a doll out of it, and a lifetime of therapy sessions. Anyway, the rat king is vanquished
Jeff:
Touch Me on the Nutcracker.
Casey:
The rat king is vanquished, and then because it’s all made so much sense so far, the little girl is taken by the Nutcracker come to life to a mystical land of wonderful specialness where dances are performed for this sort of, there’s these magical dances, and a lot of them are racist…
Jeff:
really?
Casey:
Yes. There’s a number of racial stereotypes like Russian dancers who do the squat thing, whatever. A bunch of racial stereotypes by anti-Asian ones, and anti-Russian, whatever. Russians get a by because it’s made by Russians. You know, whatever.
Jeff:
Right, communists.
Casey:
So whatever, Jewish can make Jewish jokes, and Italian people can make Italian jokes, and whatever. Russians can have Russian dances.
Jeff:
What’s the anti asianess?
Casey:
there’s Asian dances in there. It’s all kinds of racial at the holidays. Whatever, I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s a piece of shit anyway.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
Everyone goes home happy, they’ve heard classical music they don’t understand, they’ve watched a story they don’t’ understand, unless they read the program which is bullshit. That’s what happened at the holidays.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So much so that it’s even sold out. That’s how bad it is, right? There’s never been a sold out ballet in America in history other than Nutcracker as far as I’m aware. The reason I wanted to bring this up…
Jeff:
Is there duck’s in fog in the Nutcracker?
Casey:
That’s not… yeah right. You’re thinking of the one about the Swan, Swan Lake.
Jeff:
I must be. I’ve only been to one ballet and it must have been Swan Lake then.
Casey:
Probably Swan Lake if there’s swans.
Jeff:
is that Chicosky?
Casey:
I don’t know. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Anyway, continue.
Casey:
I don’t know.. so you want to know why I don’t have any idea? Here’s the reason I don’t have any idea who did Swan Lake, or The Ring, or the other fucking pieces of shit…
Jeff:
Well the ring is a Japanese thing where they climb out of the TV.
Casey:
Noooo.
Jeff:
Different thing?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
My bad.
Casey:
On the other hand, Ring view of the Ballet I would absolutely go to see. That would be fucked up, people crawling on the stage on all fours…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly in synchronized thing kicking like rockettes.
Casey:
Anyway, so, the reason I bring it up is the fact that art is hard to define. So by some definitions, you could say that anything really is. But then there’s other stringent definitions we could come up with, which regardless of whether you agree with them or not, we could make some kind of distinction. One distinction I like to make because it is one that is most useful for Me, is that a piece of art is something that can communicate something about the human condition from one person to another.
Jeff:
okay.
Casey:
Meaning that an art form is an art form as opposed to something you do like soccer. If I can tell you a story that you will understand. So it’s like I am able to communicate something to you in this Medium, it makes it a Medium.
Jeff:
I think that leaves some stuff out, but okay, sure.
Casey:
I guess what I’m saying is the reason that I like that definition is it leaves out the shit I think is bullshit. Point being, ballet, abstract paintings….
Jeff:
What about dancing in general, not an art form?
Casey:
Pretty much not.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So, that is my opinion of ballet. It’s basically, no one can go into ballet…
Jeff:
You’re watching an activity, not an art form.
Casey:
Correct. To Me, ballet, Nascar, same thing. They are things which someone must be trained to do.
Jeff:
Not a lot of crossover, but the same.
Casey:
Not a lot of crossover, but exactly the same. There are things that take many years of training, only certain people can be very good at it. Some of it is physiological, it takes certain genetics, and practice. There’s a lot of technological study that might go into preparing the elements of it. All of these things are true. Neither are art forms. They are just entertainment. They are shit you go and watch. But you don’t’ come away from it with anything you didn’t go into it with. Unless you read the program, but that’s a different art form called literature.
Jeff:
So you went to the Nutcracker and weren’t entertained?
Casey:
I’ve been a number of times.
Jeff:
I don’t think I’ve ever been. Then again I have some idea of these things, so maybe that was on a PBS show or something like that, or whatever.
Casey:
I think it ties in a little bit.
Jeff:
Did you see this recently?
Casey:
No. I refuse to go to many ballets anymore.
Jeff:
You’ve just been screwed too many times.
Casey:
I think as you get older in life, either you die a person never taking control of your life, or at least from my experience, over time I’ve become more and more aware of the decisions I’m seeding to other people, and I should probably start taking control of myself. I’m far from there yet, but thankfully somewhere along the line, I figured out that going to ballet is bullshit.
Jeff:
And you no longer go. I don’t need to see those crotches…
Casey:
I don’t care the crotches.
Jeff:
I like it in Nascar.
Casey:
Right, if I see someone’s crotch in Nascar… but I don’t go to Nascar either.
Jeff:
Maybe you are secretly against padded crotches.
Casey:
I will say this, if you can combine ballet and Nascar, I’ll go to that one because I don’t know what that’s going to be. I don’t’ think it would be art, but it would be more entertaining than either separately. Especially if you don’t do any work to combine them. You just throw the ballet dancers onto the track…
Jeff:
And say good luck.
Casey:
It’s like, you better have this dance really synchronized otherwise someone is coming out flattened.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Which by the way, it would be fun to watch. It’s like when they have a crash, which is what everyone’s going to Nascar in the first place. Now when it is possible that some Nascar dude is going to get hit and thrown 50 feet into the air…. That’s pretty sweet.
Jeff:
you also have the awesomeness that you’d have the Nascar announcers, like those good old boys from the deep south saying that.
Casey:
[Imitates announcer]
Jeff:
Damnit.
Casey:
Here’s the other thing I’ll say. When I have seen ballet before, it was not out of the question that in my mind I was already imagining it getting run over by a Nascar, or something equally heavy and quick. If there would have been some way to get everyone run over, that would have been my fantasy world. The world was much like I probably wished i was there with some fanciful female, I also wished that she and I were watching the ballet company get run over by a Nascar. That whole thing was happening in my head while some bullshit about rats and Nutcrackers was happening on the stage, failing to deliver the escapism I wanted, if you will.
Jeff:
There’s a lot of eastern European women in the ballet.
Casey:
So that’s right up your alley. There are alive Russian females… if you will…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
I don’t know that many of them are 30+. I will say that’s probably a problem for you.
Jeff:
Yes. But they are skinny and tiny.
Casey:
That’s good for you?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You’re not skinny though, you’re tall.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
You’ll have a height problem there won’t you?
Jeff:
We’ll work that out.
Casey:
You’ll work that out. Obstacle you’re willing to overcome for her. Okay…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Ladies and Gentleman, Jeff Roberts, for all you eastern European women out there, if you’re lonely at the holidays, Jeff Roberts can help you out.
Jeff:
Okay, well what day was this? Day 4?
Casey:
This was day 3. The three French hens day.
Jeff:
We’re only 3 days in?
Casey:
We’re only 3 days in.
Jeff:
Well it’s midnight, we’re going to be cranking.
Casey:
Well come back tomorrow for the four calling birds, on this, our 12 days of podcast. Thanks for listening everyone.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 29
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