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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Space Party in Zero Gravity
Original air date: November 2nd, 2009
Topics. The black president. Dolphins. Martians. Space. Lobsters. Primate rights. Russians. Snatch. Screech owls. Contact. Conspiracy theories. Tiny raptors. Spacequest. Martian-backed securities. Michael Bay. Permanent Midnight. Snails. Steven Spielberg. Monkeys.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey show. We’ve reached part six in our megacast, where we dip into a topic that fans of Season One will remember fondly, which is a Casey description of the latest episode of SeaQuest DSV and we will just jump right in.
Casey:
We just watched an episode of SeaQuest DSV.
Jeff:
We watched an episode, Holy Shit, episode.
Casey:
We watched an episode of SeaQuest DSV, so for, for the first time really I’ve had companionship on my journey through one of science fiction’s finest farts of all time, SeaQuest DSV. This was an episode called, “Better than Martians,”
Jeff:
“Better than Martians”
Casey:
and since I am really giving away nothing about the episode, I will simply tell you that the title refers to the dolphin, “Darwin,” who Bridger, at the end of this episode, said is “better than Martians,”
Jeff:
“better than Martians”
Casey:
“better than Martians.” Now,
Jeff:
And they are, really
Casey:
I mean I have no idea what the, even having watched the whole episode, I don’t really know why that’s true, like what makes him say that, having never spent any time with a Martian. Sean: Well, look at, they met the Martian, like,
Casey:
Now that’s true, now that’s true. Sean: the Martian they encounter
Casey:
The Martian they encounter, which was a mollusk, it appears,
Jeff:
Some type of snail
Casey:
Which is a snail of some kind.
Jeff:
So, the big thing is this episode was the manufactured drama, friction, between the SeaQuest and the space program, which Bridger apparently is not a fan of the space program.
Casey:
No, he’s not
Jeff:
It’s too expensive to go into space, he’s like, he’d rather stay under water. Right?
Casey:
Well, I think the way he looks at it is they’re always taking all his monies, that’s the problem.
Jeff:
Yeah, and his hoe’s. Like, he’s like, all the astronauts get the women and the mad cash, and he’s not happy about that.
Casey:
He’s like, I come home, I’m all covered in saltwater and seaweed and shit, right, she thinks I’ve got like this unnatural fixation on a dolphin, which is true.
Jeff:
It’s true.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You smell like dolphin poo
Casey:
You smell like sea, seaweed, dolphin, nasty, you’re not getting anything. Now you go out into space, right?
Jeff:
Dolphins poop, right?
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
They have to! I’m just trying to think about that, I’ve never seen dolphin poo.
Casey:
Well, to be honest? Sea people, I’m ignoring your dolphin poo thing, it seems to me like you know, surfers and shit, they get all the ladies.
Jeff:
Yeah they do.
Casey:
Since when do astronauts get the ladies, it that something.
Jeff:
I think astronauts got the ladies back in the sixties. They were like.. Sean: When there were astronauts, there aren’t astronauts now.
Casey:
I guess that’s true. Sean: They don’t actually go into orbit.
Casey:
Ok, alright, I see.
Jeff:
Well, didn’t we talk about the astronaut, the woman astronaut, that was in the love triangle,
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
with the diaper?
Casey:
Yup, there was a murder, actually, right?
Jeff:
Our astronauts have gone way down hill, right?
Casey:
Yeah, that’s true. We’ve got trashy astronauts.
Jeff:
Like there used to be, right, what was, The Right Stuff, they took like, The Right Stuff and like, and now we have, they could easily appear on like, Twila’s
Casey:
Yeah! I never thought of this before, but leave it to America to bring you trashy astronauts. We’ve done it, that how you know were done. Were like, we have completed our century long mission
Jeff:
to trash up everything
Casey:
to trash up everything. It’s like, if you thought Paris Hilton was the end,
Jeff:
Astronaut the Bachelor
Casey:
You are wrong.
Jeff:
Astronaut, they’re like, “Where have you been?” “I’ve been to Uranus, if you know what I’m saying, yuk, yuk, yuk.” I’m like, oh, God damn it, what the fuck are you!
Casey:
That’s awesome. That’s awesome. Yeah. Well, despite all this, here is one thing I will interject, before we go into the SeaQuest DSV recap. Is that, so far I have still been unable to find any confirmation that any two people have had sex in space.
Jeff:
Oh, you’ve been looking into this?
Casey:
Yes! Cause, I was talking about this, I don’t remember with whom I was talking about it, I think it may have been a couple of weeks ago, actually, and I was like..
Jeff:
The Cosmonauts, the Russians, they do shit, man.
Casey:
That’s just because you have this fetish with Russian women.
Jeff:
No, no, it’s not the Russian women! No!
Casey:
All you’re thinking about in your head is a bunch of Russian Cosmonaut females up there having some kind of space party
Jeff:
No, I’m just saying..
Casey:
in zero gravity. Right. There’s your manser right now, is, ok, do breasts float in water? I don’t know but they definitely do in zero G, there’s your manser for you.
Jeff:
No! I’m just saying. No. I’m just saying. Wait. I’m giving you a manser.
Casey:
But the more important thing here is you having this weird like, fucking fetish, you’re extrapolating.
Jeff:
No I’m just saying, Russia! No! God damn it!
Casey:
The Russian Cosmonauts are probably the same thing as fucking regular astronauts.
Jeff:
No! Ok, maybe. But wait, Russian scientists, nothing’s off the table. Right, they..
Casey:
American scientists, nothing off the table.
Jeff:
Oh, there’s off the table. There’s shit that like, there like, NASA goes for funding and they’re like, you know, the appropriations committee, and the senate sub committee’s like,“So, I’m looking over your proposal, Commander, what’s this section called space sex? I don’t think that fits with our family based value fucking systems.
Casey:
Our “Space Family Values Initiative”
Jeff:
Our faith.. Now, what are you doing for space, faith based systems.
Casey:
Exactly
Jeff:
Where is your space prayer, like do you have..
Casey:
Space chapel. Has the space chapel segment of the Intenational Space Station been constructed yet, and if not what is happening on Sunday up there exactly.
Jeff:
Exactly. It’s a free for all
Casey:
Ok, because I happen to know that our megachurch is not patched in, because I have been trying to get that done, and it’s not happening, it’s not happening at all.
Jeff:
No, I’m just saying, the Russians bring it.
Casey:
That was the one thing about Contact, the movie, that did seem relatively like it would actually happen, as opposed to all the rest of the stuff which would in no way will ever happen, is that there was a lot of Jesus in it. Cause I was like, “yep, that’s pretty much right on.” Course, since Carl Sagen is like an atheist, you know, you figure, he’s got my back.
Jeff:
You know, that whole, that was the central thing in the book, was these long long long philosophical discussions about her the atheist, him the faith guy, and then Tommy..
Casey:
Was it Matthew McConaughey in the book as well. Did they describe him as having tussled hair?
Jeff:
No, it would be awesome..
Casey:
And a Santee demeanor.
Jeff:
if he had his weird little accent. No, it doesn’t. But anyway, yes. Where were we. Ok, so, were gonna, are we gonna review this?
Casey:
So, I don’t know what’s Sean: That’s cheating, you took notes, so..
Casey:
No that’s fine because that’s not cheating, I normally when I watch them, because when I watch them I don’t know how long they will be. I also took notes because I didn’t want to forget important plot points that occur, Sean, when we are doing it. Normally I didn’t have the luxury of watching it right before a podcast and I didn’t want any of the genius of SeaQuest DSV to be left on the cutting room floor, if you will, of my mind. So, here’s the thing, Jeff, normally I summarize SeaQuest DSV, but, this, this time..
Jeff:
You want me to summarize?
Casey:
You, I don’t know. I’m saying should we try something different?
Jeff:
I think you should summarize, and then I’ll interject little things I liked.
Casey:
And you’ll just jump in with things I might have missed? Ok. In this episode of SeaQuest DSV, which follows hot on the trail of “Photon Bullet”, it’s actually the next episode, so if you remember we actually did cover “Photon Bullet” on this podcast. This is the episode immediately following called “Better than Martians,”and in this episode the dramatic tension begins when a spacecraft which has apparently has been to Mars, right, a manned spacecraft, is returning to earth and something goes wrong, Jeff, something goes horribly wrong.
Jeff:
Something always goes wrong. And they are watching the news.
Casey:
So there in the spacecraft, well I’m going to tell them, cause this is a science fiction show and they dot their i’s and cross their t’s so I’m going to tell them what what goes wrong in the spacecraft.
Jeff:
Well, wait, nothing goes wrong for awhile
Casey:
No something goes wrong!
Jeff:
Ok
Casey:
They’re re-entering and they need
Jeff:
oh, right
Casey:
one of the astronauts to push a circuit braker “back in”, and I quote. Now, I’m not sure why were designing these space capsules with circuit breakers that have to be pushed in during re-entry,
Jeff:
Right, well version two.
Casey:
but apparently, that’s the thing.
Jeff:
They’re like, “I think we need circuit boards that don’t pop out.”
Casey:
Right, they’re like, “You know what I think we should do..” Not circuit boards, circuit braker.
Jeff:
oh ok, circuit braker
Casey:
Right, it’s like, the fuse on the space shuttle. “Could someone go down to the fuse box? Do you know where the fuse is? Does anyone have a flashlight, I gotta get back down to the fuse box of the space station, it’s fine.”
Jeff:
I don’t know which one it is. Chig chig, “Is that it?”
Casey:
Right. “Is that it?” “No, no that was the lights,”
Jeff:
chig chig That was the airconditioner. Chig chig
Casey:
“No, oh that’s the oxygen!”
Jeff:
“Oxygen!” “By bad, sorry guys!”
Casey:
“Oxygen!”
Jeff:
“Sorry, guys!” chig chig
Casey:
“Sorry, sorry guys! It’s fine! ”
Jeff:
“It’s a bigger one.”
Casey:
Yeah, “Somebody should really label these, they never fucking label these. Like, just write, it’s got a diagram on the side, people, for fuck-sake, write down what it is! They never write down what it is, there’s always that one that is two connected together, and you’re like what the fuck is this? Right. I’m not throwing that, cause who knows what happen, the whole capsule explodes at that point, that’s like the gyro-stabalizer, don’t throw this switch switch, alright. Apparently, he threw that switch accidently when trying to push the circuit braker back in and all hell breaks loose. The capsule is out of control, it’s out of control, it cannot be controlled. It careens into the water. Now, somehow we are at the point in history, despite the fact that like, the Apollo 13’s crazy re-entry, we knew exactly where it had landed, we had boats all around there. Flash forward fifty years in the future, they have no idea where this thing went, they were like, ”Ok, it’s somewhere off the coast of something,
Jeff:
They have some beacon
Casey:
..there’s a beacon, maybe you’ll find it, whatever, I don’t know,“ why the capsule sinks, I don’t know, because re-entry capsules don’t sink, that’s kind of what makes it a re-entry capsule, sort of. But I suppose it had a leak, it had some sort kind leak.
Jeff:
And Bridger correctly points out, that why don’t you send the jetcoptors. But that don’t have those, they couldn’t send the jetcoptors. We also were watching all this on Earthcast News, by the way, which is kind of Fox of the ten years from now. We went right from Earthcast News to Glen Beck, a really old one.
Casey:
I just spit pizza all over my screen. That was too funny.
Jeff:
Glen Beck is like talking about how the space program and SeaQuest are, like, a liberal ploy.
Casey:
Are Martians going to be. They’re basically illegal aliens. These little snails, these fucking snails. They’re like..
Casey:
Who’s going to pay for the health care of these Martians?
Jeff:
Who’s going to pay for the health care of these snails? Fuckers!
Casey:
No, ore importantly, this craft crash lands into the water, and SeaQuest has to go and rescue it. And so,.
Jeff:
Otherwise it would be a very boring show, they would just be sitting around watching the news.
Casey:
Now some interesting things to note here in the future, which is not our future because were almost at the point of where SeaQuest is supposedly taking place, at this point, which is like 2010’s basically. Apparently we don’t we don’t have aircraft carriers in every conceivable location in every ocean in the future. So there was nothing closer than ten hours away.
Jeff:
Well, they ‘re probably all in the Gulf, just like now. We just got them all down there, you know, fuck, oh goddamn it. Is this the country , they the country, what was it?
Casey:
something like Montenegro, but it’s not. It’s like Montegard
Jeff:
Montegard. And they insinuate that it’s near Vietnam. Someone was fighting with us back then.
Casey:
Yes, the Montegardians
Jeff:
And they speak a Chinese
Casey:
Sort of
Jeff:
Yeah, so one of the guys learns the language to speak to them
Casey:
Yeah, by reading a book
Jeff:
Right, reads a book, like “Montegard for Dummies,” and the thing about it is if you imagine the most racist guy saying Chinese, like “uka-la,” right, it was that! You’re like, and it was like saying this, “Cha-che-cha-ching SeaQuest” it was like, fuck you! Goddamn it!
Casey:
Yes, it was exactly that!
Jeff:
It was killing me!
Casey:
Well, they’re on their way Sean: Do we need to talk about the snail at all, or are we like..
Casey:
We haven’t gotten to the snail yet well Sean: Cause they, talk to him right away? Oh maybe not..
Casey:
Well, so anyway they need to go there
Jeff:
They’re on their way
Casey:
They’re on their way and somehow, and this was not made explicit and in fact becomes a plot point later on so like were still not quite sure exactly like what were meant to assume happened here
Jeff:
This was really too sophisticated for the three of us
Casey:
Apparently it was too sophisticated for me, Jeff and Sean, to actually figure out what was going on, but apparently they can talk to these guys via radio. So there’s a radio signal emanating out from this craft that I guess they think is coming from the beacon that’s on the surface or something, so they’re following this, they’re going to where this beacon is, right,
Jeff:
But they were talking to them on the radio
Casey:
but they’re talking to them, but somehow later on we find out that those aren’t the same thing and they didn’t seem to know that, it’s very odd, like were not exactly sure what happens here. So, we don’t know, but anyway, the point being, they’re on their way there, and they’re talking to them on the radio and they say that they have found life on Mars.
Jeff:
And that requires security clearance
Casey:
That requires security clearance. And the reason that it requires security clearance
Jeff:
Is Jesus.
Casey:
Yes, that’s right. Is it Jesus?
Jeff:
I assume it was Jesus, they’re like, “You need security clearance.” I imagine it was because people would go bananas if there was life on another planet, but you know what, people don’t give a shit. It’s like, that would immediately get incorporated.
Casey:
There would just be another place for those people to go when they go on their fucking missions. They’d be like, “Were going to Mars to help spread the word of the lord.”
Jeff:
“I’m on a Mormon mission..”
Casey:
“Thank God we don’t have to go back to Africa,” is what like 50% of the Christians out there would say. Sean: It gives a new meaning to Mission to Mars.
Jeff:
Missionary to Mars
Casey:
Mission to Mars! Very well, Sean. Sean Barrett, ladies and gentleman, Mission to Mars, exactly that! So anyway, that sort of raises the stakes a little bit, why, I don’t know, because why can’t they just go back to Mars and say “Hey we found,” “we’ll go get another mollusk,” I don’t know, it was like this big deal apparently, anyways, I guess they didn’t know for two hundred thousand dollars you could build a Rover out of basically the parts you can get at Radio Shack. We figured that out, they never did, unfortunately. It cost them, according to the show, four hundred billion dollars
Jeff:
four hundred billion dollars to fly there. The one thing that was kind of awesome about that, is when they were injured there in the capsule
Casey:
Oh, right, so they show, the show cuts to the inside of the capsule to show the astronauts, and they’ve been injured in this re-entry Sean: Some of them have
Casey:
Some of them have, right
Jeff:
And the captain of the capsule is giving them medical care and in the standard like someone’s hurt, he’s wrapping a gauze around the head, because you always wrap gauze around the head, it doesn’t matter what kind of accident, someone’s gonna have a bump on the head that requires some gauze, and that was undergoing
Casey:
It would have been better if it had been a toothache. Like if they’d done like, the wrap around the jaw loop.
Jeff:
He didn’t hit his head, but his teeth are killing him!
Casey:
It’s like, “If I have to eat something with sugar in it, I’m done!”
Jeff:
“He has serious space tooth decay.” So anyway, the other one, he goes to the other..
Casey:
That would have been awesome, could they could have had the science moment when like they figure out, “Swish with the salt water, it will like de-bacterialize the wound,” and like, you know
Jeff:
Darwin would have come up with that, right, cause they have great teeth, dolphins do
Casey:
They do!
Jeff:
You never see anybody with tooth decay
Casey:
Good for pacifying
Jeff:
Well, the other thing, there was this other girl who had apparently hurt her arm and she had her arm in a sling with a sling that kind of went above and it was tied, like, you know
Casey:
Ready to go
Jeff:
And then he turns to her and he lifts the top of the sling up over her head so the sling was tied
Casey:
Ready to go
Jeff:
..now it’s sitting and her arm
Casey:
And she was unable to get that up over her head
Jeff:
It was almost like, he’s like “Look, this is triage, I’m gonna tie your sling but I’m not going to put it over your head.
Casey:
First things first
Jeff:
First things first, we’ve got to get you in a sling, balanced on your head, and then I need to go put the gauze on this guy’s head, and then I’ll come back and then lift it up over your head and then she smiles. C asey: I think it’s probably more like, Jeff, you just delegate, look, he’s like, “Look, ok, I know you know how to tie a sling but not put it over someone’s head, so I need you to tie it, when you’re done I’m gonna come back here and lift it over your head, were good to go.”
Jeff:
Right after this right away, Darwin, I thought we weren’t going to see Darwin in this one, because we haven’t seen him before. But we cut to Darwin right away who says “What is Mars?”
Casey:
“Mars Island, far” like he asked if it was far away
Jeff:
“Oh, you can’t swim there!” And Bridger is kind of an asshole to Darwin.
Casey:
Now here’s the thing, at this point, I would have thought Bridger, if there’s one thing he shouldn’t do, is underestimate the fucking dolphin. Cause I guarantee you right fucking now that there will be an episode, I don’t know where, I don’t know how this is going to happen, but sometime second season, third season, the dolphin, the last time we see it will be on earth and the next time we see it it will be saving the day on another fucking planet. Ok, and Darwin will just turn and go like, “See Bridger, fucking asshole, space travel dolphin. How do you like me now, bitch!”
Jeff:
I think that it would be awesome that like he’s smart, he’s intelligent, his grammar hasn’t improved one bit. Dolphins, you know, they don’t worry about the grammar. They’ve moved beyond it.
Casey:
They have their own strunkin way. Sean: Wait, I want to get back to the snail, I mean, maybe there’s nothing funny here, but , like they have this kind of like, they hand wave about the fundamental building blocks of life you’re going to find on another planet and then they find this snail that they have a name for, it’s the terran-?? It’s like apparently, this natural earth snail. As far as I can tell, is what they were saying, so I was like “Holy fuck, how did an earth snail get to Mars! Maybe aliens took it there or and there was a meteor or that I thought there was some huge, consequential fact, but no. They didn’t even say it, they didn’t even comment on it, they’re weren’t aware.
Jeff:
I think snails Sean: Are so simple
Jeff:
No, no, I think they developed rocket technology and they went there and it was a suicide mission he went there to just prove it could be done and then he’s like planted a little snail fly really slowly and then he’s like, “I need some lettuce.”
Casey:
One small smoosh for snail, one giant slimey trail for slug-kind, right
Jeff:
Right, and then croak
Casey:
So at that some point in the future, there’s some kind of
Jeff:
and then step on the Martain soil which is very salty
Casey:
And then just melted, “Whoops! My bad!”
Jeff:
“We should have planned this out, we really should have planned this out!”
Casey:
Whoops, that’s one thing we didn’t think about!“ Now it’s worth mentioning at this point, if that’s true, if snails really are an ancient race of super-intelligent beings, is there some point that the giant snail comes down and is like ”Sam, were going to have to ask more of you than we have in the past. Snails need you Sam, they need you, the All-Snail, the All-Shell, we need you to restore the pieces of the All-Shell.
Jeff:
No! Don’t tell any of this to Michael Bay, if Michael Bay re-made SeaQuest
Casey:
Oh God, that would be fucking amazing!
Jeff:
The uniforms would be much smaller
Casey:
Well, the uniforms would just have tits out, the uniforms would have no top, why, we don’t know, in the future it’s like easier to swim that way. He says, like, the SeaQuest
Jeff:
The SeaQuest would be chrome, it would have flames
Casey:
And so many parts that you can’t fucking tell what part of it is what it just looks like a giant, like floating..what are those little,remember..
Jeff:
We shouldn’t even say this. We are putting it out into the universe and when you put shit out there, it can happen, like we need to bottle this up
Casey:
It could come back on you
Jeff:
No, you don’t put shit out there that you don’t want to have happen. You try not to even think about it
Casey:
So at this point, I’m assuming, he’s like he’s got a number of things like, “Well, ok, the snail shells are super-armored so basically like we can shoot it with everything and it will explode on impact but it won’t damage the shell,” so that you can just have this scene after scene of this like conventional artillery just exploding on the shell, nuclear weapons, laser beams, and fucking..whatever the fuck
Jeff:
And the snail we still be moves really slowly, and you’re like “He’s coming, he’s still coming!” To be continued, Snailformers 3.
Casey:
It would be like the first action scene to have a “Thirty minutes later” in the middle of it, right, cause the snail, like there’s like all this artillery fire and like, the snail is coming and it’s still coming, it’s coming, and it’s like, “Thirty minutes later” and then they show the snail kind of up somewhat closer to the thing, yeah
Jeff:
And you know how their eye stalks, if you touch them they go byoo and suck in. Like, when battle starts, they retract, and they’re like, “He’s retracting the eye stalks, you know what that means!”
Casey:
Actually, that’s probably more like, that would be the real scene, right, is the snails coming, it’s like, going super slow, they fire some rockets at it and it retracts back into the shell which stops it, so it’s not moving, then it kind of comes back out again
Jeff:
keeps going
Casey:
exactly
Jeff:
No, we don’t want to put that shit, we gotta not do it
Casey:
Incidently, the pacing of that shit would probably be faster than Transformers at some level. And I would have more of a clue of what was going on, is the other bonus. Sean: I was just thinking we could link to another podcast to a photo of another ?? submarine outfit that was connected to, it’s extremely relevant to the scenario we were giving for Michael Bays
Casey:
Really!
Jeff:
That sounds awesome
Casey:
I did not get it, but anyway
Jeff:
So the other thing I would say, is about this point, they have a little, they talk a little bit, and one of the character goes, “Futurists!”
Casey:
Which incidently, I have said in the past
Jeff:
It’s like, this whole show, is a really shitty futurists, it’s like yeah, futurists, yeah, were down with that, you suck.
Casey:
Well, you know, they got some things right with this one. There is a black president, the president of United States of America’s is black.
Jeff:
And also somewhat, you know, annoying, right
Casey:
Yes, he is no more sort of thoughtful of other sort of minorities, if you will, then, exactly He’s going around doing all sorts of amusing things that appear
Jeff:
He probably made a lot of promises he couldn’t keep
Casey:
Probably, he probably didn’t shut down Quantanamo Bay, probably was still about Rendition, thought that was fine, yeah, “What are we gonna do,” “Alright, look, you take this dolphin to somewhere that doesn’t have an ASPCA and you get some fucking answers out of him!”
Jeff:
Mock fish, yeah
Casey:
Anyway, so that got that one right, which is shocking, because I wouldn’t have guessed that, I’d be like in this country, no fucking way! That’ll be the day. They got one other thing right, I want to say, didn’t they, did I write it down, there was two things, there was the black president and something else.
Jeff:
I don’t know, we’ll keep going and maybe it will come remember us. One of the things I have written down right after this point is “jazz hands,”
Casey:
Oh right, well actually one of the guys was using that when his gesture, of like, “How many whiskers did we lose?” Jazz hands! “Were in a minefield” or something like that. Sean: It was the “Stop”
Casey:
That’s right, those were the stop hands and he kind of did them in a jazz pattern, something a little more jazzy than he would have normally done. Anyway,
Jeff:
We also learn at this point that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Casey:
No, he never said that, he simply said the phrase, “The shortest distance between two points,” that’s all he said, dot dot dot
Jeff:
ok
Casey:
So it was left for the reader to fill in, what that meant, presumably “a straight line.” Anyway, now the SeaQuest is trying to get there, to save the mollusk, to save the Martian snail, is a snail a mollusk, am I even using the right term there, I don’t think it is, I don’t think that’s true, I think it’s something totally different, it’s a crustacea, I’m pretty sure, so we’ve been saying mollusk which is a totally different thing, that’s like lobsters and shit or something, for all I know. It doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
I don’t care. I think Martian lobsters would be ten times more awesome though, so we could go with that. Like crazy shells, that like reflect the light of the sun
Casey:
That’s awesome. Alright, I’ll look it up or just..
Jeff:
Well you’re laughing at something
Casey:
Yeah, Ok. It is not at all. It is an undersea creature, so we were there, let’s see, the family is typically devided into nine or ten..(mumble mumble)..the gastropod snails and slugs! We got a fact right on the Jeff and Casey show! Son of a bitch! We should just stop right now!
Jeff:
No, we shouldn’t, were on the roll of truth
Casey:
No, ok. A roll of truth, alright.
Jeff:
Did you get the picture of the space outfit
Casey:
No, Sean may have sent it but I didn’t get it, so, oh, there it is, “Tits Out” is the subject, and this is from the skydiver uniform, oh my gosh, Sean Barrett, where did you get this? It’s basically like a bunch of people wearing mesh sort of shirts but I don’t know what this if from. Sean: It’s from a very early 70’s TV series called UFO
Casey:
UFO, ok. There’s exactly what Michael Bay would do. Sean: The guys literally are topless under that
Casey:
Yeah, it was, you can see Sean: They’ve got nipples, the girls have like a blouse under it.
Casey:
Something to make it a little more classy, to class it up a little bit.
Jeff:
Class up the joint.
Casey:
There’s where Michael Bay would step in and fix that oversite.
Jeff:
It would probably be like the Robocop director, or Hoban who has a unisex shower scene in every movie he does.
Casey:
Ah, I see. That’s his thing, he’s like “People need to shower together,” that’s his message, that’s his thing. Sean: He’s a futurist
Casey:
He’s a futurist
Jeff:
He is a futurist, he’s a German futurist, and you really don’t want to know what the Germans think of the future.
Casey:
The German future, not so good
Jeff:
Nazis, who knew
Casey:
Anyway, it turns out
Jeff:
The German future, coincidentally, has something to do with the German past
Casey:
Unisex showers, among other — dot dot dot, the shortest distance between two points, fill in the blanks.
Jeff:
Happens to be the end of the Swastika
Casey:
The shortest distance between any four points. Oh, it’s funny in one those make fun of the Nazi’s kind of ways. Everyone does it, even Spielberg. Now, Sean: Space Nazis
Casey:
Space Nazi’s is awesome, right, the Rocketeer, who doesn’t love space Nazis. Gotta love the secret moon base, anyway..
Jeff:
Alright, where are we
Casey:
We are at the point, where in SeaQuest, we are trying to get to the capsule, it has a leak in it, it’s sinking to the bottom, the SeaQuest’s trying to get there, they are being thwarted, or at least the thorn in the paw of the mighty lion that is SeaQuest, is this Montegard’s navy, is trying to detour them, or delay them, so they can rescue the capsule first and have this public relations coup.
Jeff:
Right, and so the president, now there’s an interesting intrigue here
Casey:
There is an intrigue here. We see
Jeff:
The president wants it just for the press
Casey:
That’s right. The president of Montegard, am I saying that right, Montegard, I don’t know. We don’t care
Jeff:
Go for it Sean: The Montigreens, just call it the Montigreens
Casey:
Yes, the Montie’s, the president of the Montie’s wants there to be a press coup here, but his first in command
Jeff:
Which know is the first in command
Casey:
We thought that he was the first in command because he has a number one in a big triangle on his hat
Jeff:
Yeah, just one. He’s one
Casey:
But it turns out everyone in their army has that, so that wasn’t it
Jeff:
We were hoping that like the second one would be two, then a three
Casey:
I guess like, I was imagining, that maybe it’s just that their military chain of command, they’re still working on that, so they’re like, “Who’s in charge here? What the fuck?”
Jeff:
Who’s a one?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly!
Jeff:
Or it could be that thing where everyone has their rank, and they don’t know what it is, but they have to deduce it, like they’re playing cards. Sean: Fucking, who salutes who?
Casey:
I think it’s like, this country was founded by Southwest Airlines, and they’re like, “Ok, everyone onto the APC, boarding group one, I’m sorry, you’ve got a two.” It’s like that the way they prevent you from getting onto the wrong, like slipping in early, it’s like, “No, fucking privates have to be in the middle seat.” Right, like, “That’s just the way it goes.” Anyway,
Jeff:
It was like a jaunty little triangle.
Casey:
It was, it was a happy looking one. And he had it also on his arm. There was multiple ones, yeah there was multiple ones. Anyway, there was sort of a rift here because, it turns out, the second in command there, number one, one of the number ones, was meddling.
Jeff:
Like many third parties, he had a separate agenda.
Casey:
He had a separate agenda, we didn’t find out, but it turns out, he did. So Sean: We didn’t find that out til later.
Jeff:
We just know he’s in the works, he’s not always doing what the president wants
Casey:
And he does have a rather sinister facial expression at times. Sean: As opposed to the ?? colonel, to the president
Casey:
The ?? kindly, old fellow,
Jeff:
The Asian Martin Sheen
Casey:
Yes, the Asian Martin Sheen. Anyway, so at this point we find out that sort of unbeknownsed to the jolly president, the number one fellow there has dispatched the submarines to slow SeaQuest down, of course, they can’t really engage SeaQuest cause it’s too mighty and awesome, but they can like plant some land mines and piss it off
Jeff:
So it takes them awhile
Casey:
Takes them awhile
Jeff:
So what happens is the black president calls up and kicks some ass, and he like, “You’re fucking around down there!” He has a stern talking to to Bridger, saying, you know, and it’s insinuated that Bridger is doing a shitty job because he doesn’t like the space program. It takes him away from the water.
Casey:
But somebody disagrees, he disagrees with this sentiment, but much like an AOL chatroom, it is not someone who was previously in on the conversation. Up in the corner pops “genius boy”
Jeff:
So what this looks like, it looks like a window just pops up bluboop, like, you’re all on MS Messenger,
Casey:
It’s exactly that!
Jeff:
It’s like, bluboop and here comes the teenage boy
Casey:
It’s the president talking to the commander of the most powerful warship in the world,
Jeff:
The President of the United States
Casey:
The President of the United States talking to the highest navel ship command in the entire navy, ok, and then it’s all like,
Jeff:
A teenager pops in
Casey:
“Dude, you gonna go on this wild raid with us or what?! Grow a sack!” Right, it’s like the fucking photo shop thing, right, it’s like that’s what’s happening.
Jeff:
And he’s outraged. The teenager pops up
Casey:
He’s pissed off
Jeff:
He’s like,
Casey:
He’s like
Jeff:
“What?!”
Casey:
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Mr. President, this is bullshit!”
Jeff:
“He’s not trying to fail, lol,” like, bullshit like that. And now Bridger, is like, “Whoa, ok. Dude what the fuck. First off, why are you listening to my ship,” and in his mind he’s like going through everything he’s said sexual to his wife back online
Casey:
He’s like, “Fuck, man, this guy probably knows everything.”
Jeff:
Everything about me, and the dolphin!
Casey:
He knows I watched the Numa Dance, like 15 times. (singing) “My-a-heee, my-a-whoo”
Jeff:
So this kid is in big trouble, but he gets nothing. The guy says, “get the fuck out,” they close the thing out
Casey:
The interesting thing is, like, conversation over,
Jeff:
You’d think they’d block, like IM, right
Casey:
No but wait, wait a second, he was like totally, like, he was like, negotiator of all negotiators. That was it, there was no more disagreement after that. They were in violent disagreement with each other prior to dude going, “Wassup y’all!” And, then after that, it was all fine. There was like, “Alright, I’ll let you get back to work,” is what he said.
Jeff:
And he said, “I’m going chose to ignore that last question,” which was questioning his loyalty. Now that the teenager has put everybody in their place.
Casey:
Cause the President, at this point, now that the youngest member of the crew has managed to listen in on and comment on what is supposedly a secure communiqué to the President, the President now feels reassured that they’ve got everything under control, cause why would that suggest that there’s a problem, like,“It’s fine, I don’t see what the problem is.”
Jeff:
“After seeing that a teenager can break into the security, I am reassured that you guys know what the fuck you’re doing,” right?
Casey:
If I was the President on that line, I’d be like “What the fuck was that?! Who was that and what is going on down there in that fucking submarine?” Jesus Christ! Sean: Wait, actually, the President would be like, figure out the fastest way to get out of that conversation and not say anything more that
Casey:
Oh, good point! Sean: ?? probably all the shit that is happening, he’s launched every ship
Casey:
Right, he’s like, “Well, I think you guys are doing a great job! I’ll talk to you later!” bleep! He’s like, “Launch everything!” He’s like, “Number one, you’re all fired, number two, launch all the ”
Jeff:
“Number three, I want his parents audited”
Casey:
“The one audit team remaining at the IRS, send to his house.” Anyway, after this little incident,
Jeff:
Actually, there’s one part right before this, where I wrote down one bit a line that the man who’s speaking Montegard to the Montegardians, one of his expressions is “Boonga SeaQuest,” I don’t know what Boonga is, but it seemed like he was very angry
Casey:
“Boonga SeaQuest” is probably the animated Sunday morning series they were planning on launching after this
Jeff:
Boonga SeaQuest Sean: He was seriously mad that it was cancelled
Casey:
It’s like a surfing show. Anyway, so after this, they finally do make it to where the buoy is, but they find that the buoy has in fact been severed from the capsule. So at this point they’re like, “Oh, we’ll just go to where like the radio frequency signal was coming from that we’ve been using to talk to them the whole time,” it’s like
Jeff:
P.S. Maybe the kid could have been
Casey:
Maybe you should have checked that out ahead of time, but ok
Jeff:
Maybe if the kid was monitoring those communications, instead of the ones to the President, he would have been like, “Hey, we got a discrepancy here.”
Casey:
But, now there’s an interesting thing about this, which is like, so, I mean, they basically retrieve the buoy somehow, and they’re holding it, like
Jeff:
It’s on the bridge
Casey:
And then later, it’s like, on the bridge, and they’re just carrying it around. Like, it’s like, the captain carried the buoy from wherever the fuck it came into the ship when they loaded it on or whatever, into the like, he’s having a discussion, like,
Jeff:
“Can someone take this?”
Casey:
“Can someone please take this fucking buoy, like, I’ve been carrying it around, it’s fucking ridiculous, my arm is tired.” Right, no, apparently that’s all fine, he’s just gonna carry this buoy, it’s like his binky, like Linus’s security blanket, he’s like, I just want my buoy, I don’t want to be in the meeting without my buoy!“ Right, it’s like, you know, like the captain has a massive mental breakdown and from now on, like, everything has to go through the buoy, like, ”Well my buoy thinks that we should probably go to where the radio signal is.“ It’s like, do you think that’s true? It’s like, ”Talk to the buoy,“ I don’t know what happened there, but anyway, for a few scenes, the buoy is in every shot being carried by someone and then it just disappears after that.
Jeff:
Well, he has an awkward thing where he turns to one of them
Casey:
Yeah, hands it to them, or doesn’t really, like
Jeff:
Well, there’s a weird transition there where the extra looks like, “Am I going to get more on scale for this? I didn’t know I was gonna take,” cause, he looked like he felt stupid holding this buoy
Casey:
Well, the problem is, the buoy, like, in order to illustrate the fact that the buoy had severed, cause, like, SeaQuest is all about making sure all of the points get across, right, obviously
Jeff:
It’s basically, “No child left behind.” No listener..
Casey:
Except that they always through in all this jargon that’s meaningless, right, “Oh, we decoupled the thermal hydrolics,” it’s like, whatever
Jeff:
I had one of those, I had “the whiskers in the hydrophone,” or whatever
Casey:
Exactly! “Whiskers in the hydrophone as long as we stack the signal,” they’re stacking the signal, don’t forget to stack it. Anyway, what happens here is, in order to illustrate the fact that the buoy has been severed, there’s like some cabling that’s like hanging out of it. And so, the actors are kind of like, holding it, but it’s kind of like when you unplug a telephone or something in the old days, or like a net cable, and the device is on, or the power cord, and you hand it to someone, there’s this awkward moment where you kind of have the cable like you’re trying to give them the wire, cause you had it kind of awkwardly balanced, cause there’s no good way to hold that shit, this is happening, like, every time someone has to hand it to someone else, they don’t really quite know what to do, so it always looks awkward. And apparently they thought, “Well, let’s get that into as many shots as we can, cause this is gold right here.” Yeah. So anyway, they finished up with that, handing the buoy around, they decided they were gonna go track the radio signal, so they did. And they’re heading that way, and when they get there, they find that the mollusk container is gone
Jeff:
It’s gone
Casey:
It’s gone
Jeff:
Where is, where did the snail..
Casey:
How do they know? How do they know this? I’ll tell you how they know this, don’t worry, Jeff, I’m a professional, I’m a professional SeaQuest DSV summarian,
Jeff:
Oh, right, I remember
Casey:
if you will, so I will tell you what happens. They approach the capsule, and they are looking it through their little camera thing, and Bridger is doing this via, a VR Haptick(?) interface, where’s he’s got like the Nintendo power gloves on
Jeff:
And you know whenever they use those power gloves and things, they move their fingers a lot. It’s like when they show actors driving a car, and they’re just showing scenes, rear projection scenes, and they’re moving the steering wheel a lot
Casey:
And you’re like, “Nothing is happening to correspond to this motion,” it’s bad.
Jeff:
Yeah, well he’s moving his fingers big time
Casey:
So, he’s just, they’re just saying, “Do something so it looks like you’re doing something,” or whatever, right, that’s what’s happening there. And, meanwhile, things are happening while he’s doing this, that you’re wondering how the Haptick’s not making the thing he’s controlling go apeshit, cause he like, he like goes, “Ah fuck” and like, puts his hands up, kind of, at one point, to take his helmet off
Jeff:
Well, he does this thing where he, there’s this awesome moment where he has these crazy gloves on, and he goes he to take off his helmet in anger, because, apparently the astronauts are gone, like, they
Casey:
Everything’s done, the mollusk is gone, the astronauts are gone
Jeff:
Well, especially upset that the astronauts, cause that’s his friend, and apparently what they did, is the astronauts have left the capsule to go topside
Casey:
Yes, that’s what they hypothesize has happened.
Jeff:
Because, and probably died in the water and he’s angry so he reaches up to take off the thing, and when he does, it’s like, the sound of shiny plastic, it’s like
Casey:
It’s all clanking around
Jeff:
And he can’t quite hold it, cause he’s got shit in his hands, and it’s really awkward, and he’s like GRRR, and then throws all the gloves down, leaving the crew to clean up
Casey:
Now during this time, the probe doesn’t do anything untoward, it’s all fine, like, everything’s fine, but what I was going to say before is
Jeff:
Maybe it’s has some Apple tech that like
Casey:
It’s like, they say when you hold the Apple iPhone up to your ear, and it can tell that you did that
Jeff:
Exactly
Casey:
So, what happens here, the reason that they know that the mollusk compartment has been jettisoned, is that they, ah actually they call these core samples, I should say, but this is where the snail is
Jeff:
This is where the core samples, core samples, core samples
Casey:
Apparently there’s snails crawling around in the ground of Mars, right, just like, fresh morning dew
Jeff:
And they make a joke, the SeaQuest people, that they are going to eat those snails like escargot, and then this lady laughs, for long time, it’s like, wow
Casey:
And so what happens here is, as they’re pulling around looking at it through the cameras, Bridger says, “Wait, something’s different, something is different” because apparently he’is so fucking intimate with the design of the re-entry capsule for the Mars Space Program, that he can tell when something has been jeticined. So, they bring up the schematic, right, which has one of those fancy image matching things, it rotates the thing and says like, “Correspondence complete” and then it goes like, “Oh, what’s missing is the mollusk compartment.” So that’s how they know, right. Now..
Jeff:
“Where’s the fucking mollusk?”
Casey:
It seems to me if you have that system, you might just leave it on. So, I probably wouldn’t wait for me to recognize the fact that there was a compartment gone to turn on the automated “tell me what’s missing” program, but apparently that’s what they did. Anyway, after they find out that’s gone, they’re like “Fuck, what do we do now?” Well, the astronauts are all like probably dead, but we’ll send out a team to search for bodies, meanwhile we’ve got to find the mollusks, because that’s what the President wants us to do.“ The President wants us to do it.
Jeff:
Because that’s the four hundred billion dollar investment
Casey:
Yes, ten thousand scientists spent their lives trying to get that. That’s what were told, ten thousand, give or take a few, presumably it wasn’t exactly ten thousand
Jeff:
Yeah, probably
Casey:
It was ten thousand minus four now, apparently, anyway, so we go off and, how are we going to find them?
Jeff:
No idea
Casey:
There’s no way we can possibly, that’s a needle in a haystack. Needle in a haystack, could be anywhere on the ocean floor, really
Jeff:
It’s a core sample in the ocean, basically, it’s even worse than a needle in a haystack. They’re not going to find it.
Casey:
Exactly! In fact, if that expression had been coined in 2020 it would have been, “ like a core sample in an ocean,” that’s what they would say.
Jeff:
Now what’s awesome is you have all these people brainstorming the way to get it, and the President’s in on this, he’s like
Casey:
The President is there
Jeff:
He’s like, “I want to be in on the brainstorming, because,” I don’t know, like maybe he has a good idea.
Casey:
The President is not very good at delegating, cause why would he need to be, he’s only like the fucking President of the United States.
Jeff:
I know, it’s like, listen, he’s a real micromanager, this President, he’s like, “Listen, how many knots are you going, I think you need to slow it down.” Oh fuck, this guy, this guy!
Casey:
Well, probably what’s happening is the President
Jeff:
He’s a backseat submarine driver.
Casey:
No, probably what’s happening is the President thinks he’s talking to his wife on the other end or something, but the kid has hijacked the signal, and is listening in to everything in the oval office
Jeff:
Well, and it’s true, now the other thing is the President might be like, “Look, I gotta tell these guys what to do cause the got the fucking teenager basically running the ship, I need to tell them what to do.
Casey:
I have to take control, yeah
Jeff:
By the way, no parties, there’s no parties, no beer, there’s no beer on the SeaQuest
Casey:
Exactly, like some dude
Jeff:
Last time
Casey:
There’s like all of a sudden there’s these notices in the turbo lift that say “Everyone has to be in bed by 11:30” and it’s like, “What is this?” and it’s like, “President’s orders.” Anyway, they’re gonna look for this thing, but they don’t know how to find it, when the little hijacking kid, the little signal hijacking kid says, “Hey, wait a minute, those core samples you took were all from highly magnetic rock,” fortunately, and this is just implicit, apparently there’s no magnetic fields or anything in the ocean that would cause interference, so basically
Jeff:
Well, you know Casey, I don’t know if you know this, magnets are allergic to water. If you need to turn a magnet off, you just drop into water
Casey:
That’s right, when a giant metal ship gets sunken in a naval battle, that just de-magnetizes instantly, it never can possibly create any sort of, yeah, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Anyway, these small, like, I mean, core samples the size of your fist, they are, pretty much when you see them later, they’re revealed, it’s like this little snail kind of thing
Jeff:
And they’re like, “Awesome!”
Casey:
This magnetic snail, you know, apparently is going to give off a magnetic field so strong they’ll be able to like, track it from miles away, or something, right. So they start looking for it, they find it pretty much immediately, and they send down a dive team to get it. Now, meanwhile
Jeff:
Which includes the captain
Casey:
It always includes the captain, cause if the President can come and tell you how to pilot your submarine, the captain can go dive down
Jeff:
Swimming, wherever he wants
Casey:
swimming to go find a fucking core sample
Jeff:
“How am I going to get my exercise?”
Casey:
Yeah exactly, he’s probably pretty old and needs the exercise. Anyway, it’s like, that and crossword puzzles the only thing keeping him alive. Now, back in Montenegro, or wherever the fuck we are, Montegard, is that even a real country or did they just make that shit straight up?
Jeff:
I think, let’s go with made up, because we’re saying the name wrong anyway
Casey:
Probably. So, back in Montegard, we find out that the Montegardians, or whoever the fuck they are called, have found the astronauts. They actually went, now, to his credit, Sean Barrett, who foresaw a number of things happening in this episode, like a prophet, predicted this would occur, cause when he saw the astronaut guy putting on his helmet, cause they need to put on their helmet for oxygen purposes or something, and he says “I won’t be able to talk to you over the radio anymore,”
Jeff:
You know, spacesuits don’t have radios
Casey:
Sean goes, “Ah, that’s so that they won’t be talk when they actually get picked up by the other team, and he was right. One hundred percent correct.
Jeff:
Way to go, Sean, ruining the show
Casey:
You’re ruining the dramatic tension, but he was on it. And later on we find out that’s actually true, because we flash over to the Montegardian, like, sort of, countryside, I guess, and they’re getting out of a jeep. They’re just getting out of the jeep,
Jeff:
It looked really similar to a back lot, you know, I don’t know, Montegard is, is very
Casey:
It’s Montegard, California, as it turns out
Jeff:
Apparently, yeah, I don’ know, it was kind of strange, it just surprised me
Casey:
Anyway, what happens here is the evil number one, we’ll call him, the number one number one, he, cause there’s many number ones and he’s the number one number one
Jeff:
He’s the number one of all
Casey:
He’s the number one of all number ones. He is there, and he convinces the President to let him take the, sort of, astronauts to the hospital. But what he really wants to do is extort out of them the location of the core samples, because he believes that he can then sell those core samples to somebody, I don’t know who.
Jeff:
For a finder’s fee
Casey:
Basically, like, black, no not blackmail, but like, ransom off the core samples for, you know, tens of millions of dollars, or something like this
Jeff:
Because, you know, humans will never change. That’s what they were trying to say with this show, is like, greed will always drive them, even though, we’re, you know, a science loving, exploration, you know, driven species, the lure of money will still hurt something
Casey:
Well, it’s interesting that you went philosophical with that, here’s what I was thinking. I’m like, “Well, that’s going to be an interesting fence,” right, it’s like, you go to the guy, and he’s like, you know, in a back alley, or whatever, and like, “So, what have you got for me?” and you’re like, “Well, it’s these core samples”
Jeff:
He’s like, “I’ve got something to sell,” “Well, what’ve you got?” “Core samples”
Casey:
That’s what I’m saying, he’s like, “I’ve got these core samples here” and he’s like “I’m not familiar with that, what can I get for them?” “Well, there’s really only one buyer, right, cause it’s kind of like the U.S. that wants them, and they kind of know where they came from, which is this space capsule that we hijacked, so, what do you think, five, six hundred dollars?”
Jeff:
I don’t know, I think it’s like he’s trying to sell them, and he’s like,“ I don’t know if we can sell this,” and he’s like, “No, I’ve got a core sample guy. I gotta guy who sells core samples.”
Casey:
Oh, he moves them. “Now here’s the thing is, were not, we can’t unload the whole mollusk, we’re gonna have to devide it up into pieces,” ok right, “cause there is no one buyer that is going to be able to go for the whole mollusk.”
Jeff:
So we have a jeweler, who’ll like, cut them down, and each one of them, it’s like a spiral
Casey:
It’s like it’s a snatch, at this point, it’s like a whole jewel heist caper, except it’s a fucking snail from Mars, which incidently, is the same snail from earth, so they’ve gone all the way to Mars to bring back a snail we’ve already got, apparently
Jeff:
Which is just, you know, they really should have planned that better, because all of the conspiracy nuts will be like, “They never really went to Mars, they staged the whole fucking thing, and even came back with the same fucking snail! They couldn’t even make, like some crazy space snail, with like a furry eyeball, nope they used the same fucking thing. Ah, what about evolution? I don’t believe it that either, and by the way, ” goddamn it.
Casey:
Little do they know, that it’s actually just like the, it’s the snail version of Cape Fear, like that snail was on the spaceship at the outset, like it rode all the way there stuck to the underside and came all the way back, because it wants to kill the daughter, or whatever
Jeff:
“Hey guys!” Sean: You know, I just realized, we never actually saw them flying into space, we saw them coming back to earth, the re-entry, so, we don’t actually know where they went, for all we know, they did just like go over the moon for awhile
Casey:
That’s true, they could have just fired up there with the snail from the, and just, came back down. You’re right, it’s a conspiracy, it’s totally a conspiracy theory. That four hundred billion dollars is like in that guy’s Swiss bank account right now, right?
Jeff:
In his back pocket, yeah. No, that went out to bail out the second bank failure of 2019, and they didn’t want to tell us
Casey:
So they needed this to pretend that they spent it on something else Sean: The President knew where it went, that’s why he was so concerned about all
Jeff:
That’s why he keeps ??, “It’s true man”
Casey:
Here’s the reason why I disagree with what you’re saying, you guys are wrong, and the show supports it, because, if that was actually true, they would absolutely have tried to lose those core samples. They would not be telling people to get them back! They’d be like, “Uh, well, it looks like we lost ‘em, goddamn it, were never gonna find those.”
Jeff:
“Let’s nuke Montegard ”
Casey:
“Oh, you know what, I don’t know if you got my transmission about like the fact that there’s like a talking Martian in there, too, yeah, his name was Jerry, he was a swell guy, he was gonna tell us all about lasers, alien laser technology, well, too bad.
Jeff:
“Bottom of the ocean. Fucking Montegards!”
Casey:
“Bottom of the ocean. Guess we’ll have to go again, but it’s gonna cost you one point five billion this time.”
Jeff:
Trillion
Casey:
Oh sorry, “One point five trillion.”
Jeff:
Ok, so where are we now? Now
Casey:
It’s a little Martian named Bear Stearns
Jeff:
Awesome
Casey:
We’ve got Martian backed securities. They’re Martian backed securities, it’s awesome. It’s like the last great place to sell land, right, it’s perfect
Jeff:
It’s even better than Florida
Casey:
“Here’s the thing, yeah, I agree with you that this crater is inhospitable, ok, but we slice it up into trenches, t-r-E-n-c-h
Jeff:
Parts of the, the top of the trench is what we consider view property, and people with great credit can buy those
Casey:
That’s exactly right. I mean, you don’t want to be at the bottom of the crater, all you got is crater on each side of you, right? You want to be able to see over into other craters, that’s where the prime shit is
Jeff:
You know those great Martian floods that apparently lasted hundreds of millions of years, you don’t wanna leave your land under a Martian flood, you gotta be up at the top. Fuck!
Casey:
You wanna be, you want ice-sheet front property, right, you wanna be somewhere where if it ever does fucking melt, they’ll be a lake
Jeff:
Bridgers short-selling the Martians real estate, because he sees all this going down, big time
Casey:
Yeah, Martian backed securities is where it’s at in the future, absolutely.
Jeff:
Ok, so, at this point, we know number one is pulling a shenanigan, ok.
Casey:
Is evil, he is actively evil, yes. And the whole time, were you having this too? Excuse me, I kept thinking the whole time, I kept thinking of “Space Mutiny.” The number two guy in space, the guy’s who’s like, “Are there any more of you who would like to confuse liberty with treason?!” That guy? For some reason, like his lines, like, “It’s a very dangerous road, it would be a shame if anything were to happen to you.” Like, sounded straight out of “Space Mutiny” to me, for whatever reason.
Jeff:
What was his name? Right, right, right, right, right That guy, he’s like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that they burned, in the exit gas chamber
Casey:
The cripple, you can’t get out, and they were like, “Sweet, were gonna kill them by like dumping kerosene, or something, like lighter or some kind of gasoline, they burn him alive in a trench because he can’t get out, cause his leg’s crippled. The hero does that, the hero, the good guy! That’s a fantastic film, we gotta post a link to that YouTube for our viewers out there, cause if they haven’t seen ”Space Mutiny,“ they need to see that fantastic films, one of my all time favorites. It’s like, between ”Space Mutiny“ and ”Hard Ticket to Hawaii,“ I mean, like a double feature night is probably in order. Moving on, so, at this point, we’ve flashed back down to the diving team that is looking for the core samples, and here is, I think, if I may Sean: They find the core samples
Casey:
If I may. They have located where the core samples are, the diving team is going in to retrieve them, I guess is the more correct summary. They figure, “Oh, we think we’ve found them, let’s send the diving team to get them back. And, if I may put words into Sean and Jeff’s mouths, much like the cow had something put in its mouth, earlier in the podcast, I think this is the part that really for them was the moment they were looking for, based on my previous SeaQuest summaries, this was the real, the lynch pin scene. So the divers from the SeaQuest are retrieving the core samples, ok, and then all of a sudden who should appear, but Montegardian divers who have been tipped off
Jeff:
Did they have number ones on the scuba gear, cause that would have been awesome.
Casey:
I don’t think they did. That would have been pretty awesome if they did. They are coming with what look, I mean, I’m not sure, but they looked to me to be spear guns. It looked like someone was going spear fishing, that’s what it looked like they were wearing
Jeff:
To SeaQuestians
Casey:
So, the other divers are all worried, Bridger is not worried
Jeff:
Is his name Breecher or Bridger
Casey:
I don’t fucking know
Jeff:
I think it’s Bridger
Casey:
Ok, whatever his name is
Jeff:
Cause Breecher sound like a crazy bert
Casey:
Yeah, we had a breech Sean: He is not worried, he’s like “Don’t fire”
Casey:
“Don’t worry, Don’t fire”
Jeff:
If your captain was called Breecher, and you’re on a submarine, I’m not getting on that ship
Casey:
That’s a good point, it’s a bad name, so let’s say Bridger. Cause he’s on the bridge Sean: That’s a little too ?
Casey:
Yeah, let’s call him Bob. So Captain Bob is like, “You know what, dude”
Jeff:
And that’s what they do on boats, they’re like, “Captain Bob” “Captain Steve” “Cap’n Bob”
Casey:
Anyway, so he’s like, “Don’t worry about it, put your guns down.” And the reason is because he has an ace in the hole, he has an ace in the hole, and now, listeners, those of you who have followed the SeaQuest DSV’s, I think you can guess what I mean
Jeff:
All of the divers in the water are in danger
Casey:
All of the divers are in the water, there’s no other divers in the water to save them, who could he possibly be thinking is going to save them? And of course, of demand, on cue, on point, Darwin the dolphin, enter stage left
Jeff:
Dunt, dunt, dahhhh!
Casey:
Dunt, dunt, dahh, and in the slowest, most excruciating, disarmament scene that has ever occurred in the history of action photography
Jeff:
Well, what was awesome was he hit only one dolphin, I mean one diver, he’s just like- DONG
Casey:
He basically slowly and gently noses into the guy’s hand that’s holding the gun, and the guy’s like, “Ohhh!” and disarms the guy, and he does it to the next guy, too, it wasn’t just one guy.
Jeff:
He noses in one at a time
Casey:
He noses in one at a time, and he noses into one guy, and apparently that guy is too like, “Oh my god, there’s a dolphin getting, ”Oh me, too!“ It’s like, he noses guns out of both their hands, and dolphin saves the day! Dolphin saves the day, just like every other SeaQuest episode, you didn’t think it could happen, it happened, and they live happily ever after
Jeff:
Yeah, they take
Casey:
Take the core samples back
Jeff:
Not yet, they just take, that means they just have the core samples
Casey:
That’s right. Darwin does not save the day for the astronauts,
Jeff:
The President goes a sack
Casey:
The fatherly President does. Well, he just realizes what’s going on
Jeff:
Oh, he figures it out
Casey:
He figures it out
Jeff:
Because it was, you know, it was a mystery wrapped up
Casey:
In an enigma, wrapped up in a dolphin
Jeff:
Wrapped up in the evil guy, and then he goes and confronts him like, again on this very back-lotty looking thing
Casey:
Yes, it was very confusing
Jeff:
And the President just walks out and says, you know, “Hey, you suck,” basically, cause he does give him, he’s disappointed in him
Casey:
He’s disappointed, he’s like, “Et tu Brute?” Although that’s the opposite of this scene, but never mind, ignore the incorrect Caesarean reference
Jeff:
Also in this scene they have
Casey:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to give the listeners the impression that this was the Caesarean Section of the show (Cymbal crash)
Jeff:
It’s not. Stop it. In the backround in this scene
Casey:
Come on, give me something fun to do, how many hours of this podcast I do and I never get to do that
Jeff:
You get to do it a lot
Casey:
Alright, fine
Jeff:
And then finally, like, they show the other SeaQuest people that the Montegardians had captured, they previously had captured some people
Casey:
Yes, they had
Jeff:
In another awkwardly edited scene, where they just flash to white, and you’re like, alright, ok, I thought that was gonna be Martians then, by the way, cause there was like this big flash of light
Casey:
You were wishing there was Martians, there was never any Martians.
Jeff:
I wanted there to be Martians! Anyway,
Casey:
You’d think with a title like “Better than Martians” there would be some fucking Martians
Jeff:
Well, now, right at this point, doesn’t he say, “Better than a Martian”? Oh wait, no, that’s right, there’s a reprise
Casey:
Yeah, there’s a reprise, yes, when Bridger and the captain of the space program are talking, and he’s like “What’s with the fucking dolphin?” basically
Jeff:
“Why the dolphin tank?” There just having a chat.
Casey:
And he’s like, “He’s better than a Martian”
Jeff:
We could go like, study, and like, let’s go where there’s a lot of people
Casey:
And the Martians, and the dolphins
Jeff:
And the dolphins, and we’ll have a little thing, and he’s like, the dolphin said something, do you remember what he says?
Casey:
Something like, “Spaceman, Spaceman, Spaceman”
Jeff:
That’s right, “Spaceman,” and then he’s like, “Ho-ho, boy a lot has changed!”
Casey:
“This is what you’re spending your money on, Bridger? A dolphin that can’t fucking speak English?
Jeff:
They still gave him some space shit about his sea shit, right
Casey:
I was like, “Do you want me to drown you ass in this fucking tank of water? I’ll strap you to this goddamn dolphin, I’ll tell ya, he swims pretty fucking fast. He can hold his breath for a lot longer than you can, Pro-Tip!”
Jeff:
“Fucker! I just saved your ass!” Seriously! “Actually, I didn’t, the Montegardians did, but still, I tried my best,” so ya, he said that
Casey:
“Have you ever had to sit down in a dolphin’s snout? Well, you’re about to find out what it feels like.”
Jeff:
And then Bridger, to this sassafras, says “Better than a Martian”
Casey:
Yes, the dolphins are better than Martians. Sean: Dollar for dollar
Jeff:
Dollar for dollar, he says that? Sean: He said something like dollar to dollar, because ??
Casey:
Dollar for dollar, better than a Martian Sean: ..cost him spending all that money, but he says dollar to dollar
Jeff:
Oh, good. Dollar for dollar, that sucks! Sean: I have a question now, they spent whatever for this dolphin and then
Jeff:
The dolphin’s like, “What am I, a whore to you?”
Casey:
Exactly, like, “Is it all about money?”
Jeff:
“I thought you loved me” and swims away with all the equipment strapped to his back, right?
Casey:
Exactly. “Last time I save your ass, incompetent fool.”
Jeff:
“Fucking human”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “You just got upstaged by a dolphin.”
Jeff:
Oh my god, dolphin did save the day. That’s
Casey:
And that’s the episode
Jeff:
That’s the first one we’ve watched together
Casey:
And then recapped together
Jeff:
And then recapped, and they’re all like that, I guess
Casey:
Yep
Jeff:
Cause, the first one was kind of like that
Casey:
They don’t disappoint, like there’s good and bad, like, so, they’re all, like, worth watching for the groan factor, more or less. I think there was one episode maybe that was like, ok, so that’s no good, cause it’s not bad enough to be really bad, but all the rest
Jeff:
This was definitely
Casey:
All the rest
Jeff:
It was not as bad as “The Regulator”
Casey:
Well, anytime there’s a fucking monkey that runs around the set, I mean, that’s pretty ridiculous, right?
Jeff:
Anything can happen with a monkey, he’s like a wild card. The dolphins are stuck to water-based environment, but a monkey, he can climb up shit and like, anything goes with a monkey
Casey:
Well, you know, I watched over the weekend, I think I told you this, I watched “Permanent Midnight” which is like a Ben Stiller movie where he plays a writer who is addicted to heroin, right, and he’s just shooting up all the time, like, he’s always high on heroin
Jeff:
And it’s based like on a real writer’s story
Casey:
Probably, I don’t know
Jeff:
No, the guy that wrote it, worked for “Alf” and became addicted to heroin and then wrote this thing
Casey:
Oh, ok. So anyway, he’s like, going in there, into the writing meeting, just fucking high, like freaking out, right, and he’s just like, “Alright, fucking Alf is gonna do this that and the other thing,” I mean, it’s not Alf, it’s, “Mr. Chompers,” is the name of the fucking thing, is called Mr Chompers
Jeff:
It’s less crazy than Alf, but
Casey:
No, Mr. Chompers, that was like my favorite part of that show actually, was just the fact that Mr. Chompers was, (sigh), so ridiculous, and yet no more ridiculous than what actually was on fucking television. It was like
Jeff:
Alf was like a top-ten show
Casey:
And he likes to eat cats, that was part of the fucking show
Jeff:
I don’t know
Casey:
It was an alien who thinks cats are yummy
Jeff:
I have never seen an episode of Alf, so I don’t know. I know about the cat thing..
Casey:
I’ve seen several, I was like eight at the time or something, I was a little kid. Like, Alf was on prime time, like, I’ve seen multiple episodes of Alf.
Jeff:
And it was a puppet!
Casey:
Yes, it was a puppet!
Jeff:
It was before CG
Casey:
Oh, it was way before they
Jeff:
So you couldn’t even
Casey:
I mean, it was way before, I mean, there was CG, like, Star Wars and shit at the time, but it was a puppet. I mean, Star Wars was doing those things with puppets, I mean, Yoda was a puppet, I mean, they could do CG with like spaceshits and ship, but I mean they didn’t have CG characters at that time, it was before Casper and that shit Sean: Not that it matters, but it’s
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s more
Casey:
Oh, yeah, I guess CG is the wrong term. I was thinking, like, SFX, like, Stop Motion Camera, is, like, what I was thinking, like, cause when they did the, like, when they did the Imperial Walkers and stuff, they like actually had animated, but they never did characters that way. Yeah, so sorry, I don’t even know when they started, Casper was the first one that I can think of that was like a full main character, CG animated character.
Jeff:
Oh, ok. I didn’t know that, huh
Casey:
Like, I mean, there was characters before that and they took up less time, but Casper was I think, like, the first time it crosses into forty minutes,
Jeff:
When was, like, “The Mask” stuff
Casey:
But I doesn’t have one.
Jeff:
Well, when Jim Carrey, is going bananas, that’s all CG
Casey:
Right, but all I was saying is like, I think Casper was the one that, like, broke the, there was like a time barrier, where like, previously special effects CG characters had only been on screen, for like, ten to fifteen minutes
Jeff:
Oh, I see
Casey:
And Casper was like, forty minutes, he was like, this is a main character who has the same number of shots as the supporting actor in a film
Jeff:
That’s awesome
Casey:
So like, I think it was Casper the fucking friendly ghost, but I don’t know, I could be wrong, but it was ILM, at the time. And they had done ones before that that had CG characters and they were in it for less time
Jeff:
So, “ Beetlejuice,” you become, like a ghost and hang around, and you, like have to work in the, what was it called, the “Public Service?”
Casey:
I don’t remember
Jeff:
Right, you kind of work at the DMV if you kill yourself
Casey:
I don’t remember, I don’t remember
Jeff:
Yeah, I was trying to remember because I think it was Family Guy or somebody did the gag where like, Casper kills himself, that’s why he’ s a ghost floating around
Casey:
Oh, really? I did not know that
Jeff:
Crazy Family Guy. Alright, well, that’s awesome, holy shit, actually it was pretty brutal
Casey:
Anyway, what I was saying with the “Permanent Midnight” thing is with the heroin
Jeff:
With the heroin, and that guy?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, with all the doing the heroin, that’s like what happened with that monkey episode. It’s like, some dude is just high as a fucking kite
Jeff:
Just goes for it
Casey:
Comes in and he’s like, “Oh my god, fucking dude!” and here’s the thing, right right, there’s this monkey, ok, it’s a bounty hunter dude, right, and they, he’s got the only part they need, he’s got this fucking monkey, the monkey’s like, all fucked up and shit, he’s running around, right, “Where the monkey?” “I don’t know” Anytime, it’s like, the monkey is like everywhere, and it’s fucked up and it’s awesome, let’s say, the monkey gets a gun. Ok, give it a gun, give it a banana, give it a gun, I don’t know which one. It’s totally awesome. You know what?
Jeff:
I’ve gotta go to the bathroom, just a second, goes in there, comes back out — before and after
Casey:
Exactly. And that’s basically what that episode felt like it was like out in the left field, because remember, like, all the shit in that episode was totally fucking paranoid shit like that. When the guy was talking to the dolphin, he steals the dolphin, right, the writers totally like, alright, ok, so they, the main character, he thinks like this ?? with like this sphere that the world came from and it’s all inside this one little sphere
Jeff:
It totally is!
Casey:
and it expands outwards, and the guys wants, dolphin wants to know if the circle of life is incomplete, it’s all in my head, I gotta get it out, and you’re like, ok, everyone just calm down
Jeff:
Now we can’t back away from this
Casey:
I need you to relax
Jeff:
Were gonna put Jerry in rehab
Casey:
Yeah, that’s right,
Jeff:
But we need to finish the script
Casey:
We need to finish the script, just shoot this, I don’t know what he’s talking about the monkey, if you can get one great, if not, just give the lines to the dolphin, whatever he wrote down for the monkey, give it to the dolphin
Jeff:
It’ll be fine
Casey:
I don’t know, it’s fine.
Jeff:
I need to go, I need to get Jerry
Casey:
Introduce a second dolphin if you need to, were gonna get this guy into rehab
Jeff:
We have a serious problem, he’s the executive producer
Casey:
We’ve got a serious problem here, call Steve, call Steve, tell him that we have a serious problem with Jerry, I don’t know what to do about it, but he’s needs to, fucking, call, you know, Robert Ballard if he has to, get this show back on track.
Jeff:
Whatever we need to do
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah, that was, that was the totally bananas
Casey:
That was the bananas , literally, episode.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right, banana episode
Casey:
And I’m gonna need a lot of bananas, I think that actually, did he not ask for bananas as part of the thing?
Jeff:
Yeah!
Casey:
I want to say he literally fucking asked for bananas
Jeff:
He wanted it as part of his payment
Casey:
As part of his payment , yeah. Goddamn it.
Jeff:
If you have a submarine with an ape on it, man that things gotta smell like an aged crotch, like, big time
Casey:
It’s like, how the fuck you gonna air that out? You can’t exactly open a fucking window
Jeff:
That is gonna reek! You’re not gonna get that shit
Casey:
You cannot Jerry: You are not gonna get that out. And that monkey has one bad day, sort of queasy on the submarine, you ain’t cleaning that shit up, it’s like metal and it gets in the cracks, like, you’re fucked, you smell like monkey shit for weeks. You smell like your car does with catpiss, you can’t get it out
Casey:
Oh, I should, I have Sean: I’m thinking, maybe there’s just not enough of a futurist here, because he designed that ship and put in all of that dolphin,
Casey:
It’s probably monkey feces Sean: It’s probably bad for the monkey.
Jeff:
Like Teflon Sean: I got these for the dolphins, and then for the monkeys we’ve got all these auto self-cleaning alternatives
Casey:
Yeah, the hygienic, we got a circulation system, it can get feces, like particles out of the air, we’ve got an ionizer
Jeff:
But now the monkey could talk?
Casey:
I’ve got a monkey story, by the way.
Jeff:
You have a monkey story?
Casey:
The monkey could not talk
Jeff:
The monkey
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Wasn’t there something, like, didn’t the monkey negotiate
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Oh wait! ?? He appeared on the video
Casey:
I think he might have done sign language, he might have been able to do sign language, but he can’t talk, he couldn’t talk. He doesn’t have a pack like Darwin has that translators, he didn’t have one of those computer translators like Darwin has. Cause Darwin can’t talk, he can only, like, make his normal sounds into the computer which translates them into English.
Jeff:
I see, which is why it sounds so bad. Should sound like the AT&T lady since everyone uses the AT&T translator now
Casey:
That’d be awesome if like the only thing, the only way that you could interact with Darwin the Dolphin was by pressing a key on your numeric keypad. Right, it’s like, “If you would like to give me more fish, press one.”
Jeff:
“If you would like to feed me more fish, say ‘Fish’,” “Fish” I’m sorry, I didn’t understand
Casey:
“I didn’t catch that”
Jeff:
“FISH!” “I’m sorry..”
Casey:
“Please hold while I connect you to a dolphin representative”
Jeff:
“Please have your account number handy, your dolphin number..”
Casey:
Yeah, at that point an Indian dolphin swims up.
Jeff:
And Darwin is like, “Oh, for fuck sake, this always fucking happens! Never understands”
Casey:
Yeah, never understands what they’re saying, yeah. Anyway, point being, I have a monkey story
Jeff:
Ok, tell me the story
Casey:
So, I went to the zoo, I think I told you this a couple of weeks
Jeff:
You went to the fucking zoo without me!?
Casey:
Wow
Jeff:
That is not allowed!
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I would have gone to the zoo!
Casey:
The rage, the fucking rage.
Jeff:
Yeah
Casey:
You never go anywhere, so
Jeff:
I would go to the zoo. The zoo? You went to the Wallingford Zoo, or, yeah, fucker.
Casey:
Anyway, I went to the zoo, because, me and a friend went to the zoo for sketching practice, so we weren’t, like, you would have had to sit there while we were drawing animals.
Jeff:
I could have told you facts about the animals
Casey:
Incorrect ones, but yes
Jeff:
But facts, nonetheless
Casey:
This is where that photo, you remember I showed you that photo that said “Sun bears are a mystery”?
Jeff:
Oh, that came from the zoo?
Casey:
Yeah, right. We were at the zoo and one of the placards for the animals, rather than
Jeff:
We should put it on Twitter
Casey:
Yeah, we should put that on Twitter. One of the placards, rather than saying something about the Sun Bears, just said “Sun Bears are a great mystery.” That’s it. That’s what they, they put up a placard to say “Sun Bears are a great mystery”! Sean: We had this empty area in the zoo, and one day we came in, and there was a bunch of Sun Bears!
Casey:
There’s a bunch of fucking Sun Bears here, how did these Sun Bears get here?
Jeff:
And then people that go to the zoo come up and they go, “That’s an armadillo, that’s not even a bear, what the fuck is wrong with you!” And then you go back and they’re all smoking weed.
Casey:
It’s a shapeshifter, yeah, right. Exactly. Mr. Chompers the Sun Bear Sean: Well, if a Polar Bear lives in one of the coldest
Casey:
Then a Sun Bear lives on the sun, clearly, it can stand an infinite amount of heat. It’s shielded
Jeff:
It’s not a mystery at all
Casey:
Anyway, here’s my monkey story, for you Jeff, cause I know that you’ll appreciate this
Jeff:
I like a good monkey
Casey:
So I wheel up, we are both there, I am, she has a big sketch pad, it’s like, very large. And I’ve got a notebook- size one, so I’m just drawing with, like a pencil. So it’s a little harder for her to be, like, close up to the window and drawing, she’s gotta, so she’s back a little from the monkeys. Cause the monkeys, obviously, they have to be kind of glassed in a lot of it, because otherwise they could just hop over it, you know, they’re very agile, obviously, right. So, I’m kneeling down, and I’m drawing this monkey, and it’s maybe about, like a foot away from me, right
Jeff:
On the other side of the glass
Casey:
And it’s very, it’s not a monkey, it’s a gorilla, or, no, an orangutan? Orangutan, I think
Jeff:
They have like a funny pattern
Casey:
They’re the ones with the very cute faces, with the puffy forehead, you know what I mean, like that kind cute face? Kind of old and wise face that they have. And it’s looking around, right, and I’m drawing, and there’s one on a tree that’s looking down at my sketchpad as I’m drawing, right, and the other one is sitting there, that’s the one I’m drawing, and I’m drawing, and he’s just kind of sitting there, you know, sitting there, and he looks up at me and just makes eye contact, and I’m looking at him like “Hey, how’s it going? And he reaches out to the glass and he got like this (tap tap) Sean: (making ape sounds or maybe he’s just laughing)
Jeff:
Like, clicks it?
Casey:
Just like, “How’s it goin?
Jeff:
Did he want something?
Casey:
It was like the most, no. It was an unmistakably human gesture of “How’s it going?” I know I can’t Sean: I was “How’s it going?” It wasn’t like the fish tank tapping where he wants see if you’d react?
Jeff:
I think it
Casey:
No. Sean: You hadn’t been moving, you were sitting there really still, he was like “I wonder if that guy’s alive” tap tap
Casey:
No, it was like, it was like, if you and I were sitting on other side of a thing, and you, kind of wanted to say, like “Hey what’s up?” It was, it was so unmistakable, it was like (tap,tap)
Jeff:
Crazy
Casey:
You know tt was like, “I see you over there, just so you know.” Right
Jeff:
Weird
Casey:
Yeah, it was really strange, it was the most human interaction I’ve ever had with an animal
Jeff:
Usually they’re, like, either completely ignoring you, or like asleep or something. I had one
Casey:
Everyone around was shocked. It was like, mouths agape, when it did it. Cause I was just sitting there, like doing this thing, right, and I look, and he must, he just goes, like
Jeff:
Tap tap?
Casey:
“tap, tap,”
Jeff:
“Hey, what’s going on?”
Casey:
“Hey, like, what’s going on?” and, cause the look on his face, was that, was like, “What are you doing over there?” cause he couldn’t see
Jeff:
Did you show him
Casey:
Yeah. It was wild, he was like “It doesn’t look like me.”
Jeff:
Yeah, it doesn’t look like me. It looks like my sister
Casey:
“Get my good side”
Jeff:
Is this a caricature, you know, where you exaggerate my features?
Casey:
He’s probably thinking like, “You can’t draw for shit.”
Jeff:
I had this thing, I had one monkey, at the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City that hated me. Sean: That was Flappy, the one with the bell?
Jeff:
No, I would walk in
Casey:
This monkey was a dick!
Jeff:
He was a dick! I would walk in, he’d see me and he’d run all the way down and smash the glass enough that everyone else would get scared. And I thought, “Oh, that’s weird,” you know, “whatever.” Went out, went around to the other side, I turned back around and when I turned back around he charges the glass again and pounds right at my face, he just didn’t like, apparently somebody with a beard, or something
Casey:
Wow
Jeff:
Fucked him up a long time ago
Casey:
No, he just knows you’re a dick
Jeff:
No, I’m not a dick!
Casey:
Right, he’s like
Jeff:
I’m the friend of monkey kind!
Casey:
Are you?
Jeff:
Yes!
Casey:
Why, what have you done for them?
Jeff:
Well, I haven’t done anything cause I haven’t had the chance, but given a chance, I’d give them a, I’d give them a banana. I’d buy a banana for a monkey.
Casey:
Oh my god.
Jeff:
Goddamn it
Casey:
That’s awesome. See, I have fed, a uh, animal, what the fuck,
Jeff:
Monkeys?
Casey:
Monkeys, yes, many times
Jeff:
Where did you feed a monkey?
Casey:
In Japan.
Jeff:
Right, he had those sauna apes, or whatever
Casey:
I don’t necessarily recommend it.
Jeff:
Yeah, there are, they’re very grabby
Casey:
Yeah, they only think of you as a vending machine, basically.
Jeff:
“Give me my shit, you purchased over there.” They probably know how much money it takes, so if you don’t give them money, they’ll start going through your wallet, “Look, you need two of these”
Casey:
Right, “Go over there, they won’t let me do it, I’ve tried, you have to do it.”
Jeff:
“You’re money’s no good here”
Casey:
At some point, a monkey will come up to you and give you like five dollars and be like, “You can keep the change, alright.” Because, it, you’re like, it fucking pick-pocketed another person and it knows that maybe you’ll do it for them, but it won’t be able to, you know
Jeff:
Like a teenager wants you to buy beer
Casey:
“They’re just gonna take it away from me”
Jeff:
Right, exactly. They’re like, “I’ll get this guy to buy it for me and it’ll be awesome.”
Casey:
Eventually, no, that’s pretty clear.
Jeff:
I need some cigarettes to, I need some, some, what, did you feed them nuts or fruit or what?
Casey:
Uh, well, I don’t really remember, they really liked apples I think, was one of the things. They liked a number of things, but
Jeff:
I see
Casey:
So here’s the thing, this was also on the same monkey topic, is, she had a good monkey fact for, which, I think, is right up the Jeff Robert’s line of, I have no idea if this is accurate or not, but it’s something you would say.
Jeff:
Ok
Casey:
So, I don’t need to fact check it before telling you, because you will think this is, you will either, this is like something you would just come up with on your own, even if I didn’t say it
Jeff:
Stop it!
Casey:
So, who knows. But the fact is, that, I guess, if you give, the thing was like, if you give tools to the different species of primate, like, what happens, right, so, it’s like, if you give them a screwdriver, or something, so, the idea was like, see what ends up happening with them, right, and apparently like, it’s kind of like a little bit of an intelligence test for the primates, because like, some of them, like, some species will just fucking huk the screwdriver at you, or whatever the fuck, right, and some will like, hoard it, like they’ll just go stick it somewhere, or whatever, apparently, like, I don’t remember which one if it was the orangutans, it was in one of the exhibits that we were in there, she’s like, that one will apparently like, just act like it didn’t notice, until you’re not watching and then it will disassemble all of its container
Jeff:
Oh, really
Casey:
Like it will start fucking prying shit open and it, it’s like they are super escape oriented, so they’re just like, “I wonder if I can use this,” cause apparently they have already tried to use everything else in their cage, so they’re like, “Here’s a new thing I can use to try and disassemble my fucking cage.”
Jeff:
Well, if you read the book by, um, goddamn it
Casey:
The “Advanced Chimposiums” guy?
Jeff:
Is he the guy out in, like, Eastern Washington?
Casey:
Yep, the “Advanced Chimposiums” guy, yeah
Jeff:
And he like wants them to have like, legal rights?
Casey:
Yeah, that’s him
Jeff:
We’ve seen so much crazy behavior that is so crazy-human, that he’s like, they need, I mean they can’t represent themselves, it’s like, “Order in the court,” and there’s like a banana instead of the thing, right
Casey:
Ok, well I wanna know, now, wait a second. Let me, just, just to be clear on something. If anyone thinks that one hundred orangutans couldn’t reach the same number of conclusions about directions for the country as the senate, I don’t know what planet they’ve been living on, right.
Jeff:
Right. Well, basically.
Casey:
I mean, absolutely they could represent themselves, they could represent themselves every bit as well as we fucking do, I’ll tell you that right now
Jeff:
No, well, what they’re ‘d be, well, what they’re ’d be, is they’re ’d have to be a lot of investigations, and we’d be like, “Alright”
Casey:
Well, first thing, you’d like make a joke
Jeff:
No, there should be, like there’d be like special prosecutors and they’d be, “Chimpy, we have on this video tape accepting this shitload of bananas, to send the Boeing contract to Chicago instead of Seattle. What’s going on here?”
Casey:
Well, that’s what, this is the thing, there are two ways to go with that, right, there’s the way you went, which is like, let’s map what the senate does back onto the monkeys. But the thing is like, all the jokes people would make about, “Oh, if you had a bunch of monkeys in senate, they’d just vote for more bananas,” it’s like, that’s what we do! That’s exactly what our government does too! They just like, all get together with their fucking friends and vote for more bananas for themselves! Like, so yes, you’re right, monkeys would vote for more bananas, that’s what we do!
Jeff:
Yep, we vote, yeah, for more dollars
Casey:
It’s like if they can identify something that they want that they can get by voting, they will do that! Big surprise, congratulations. Yeah.
Jeff:
Congratulations
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
I can’t believe you went to the zoo. I wouldn’t have wanted to stick around while you were drawing, though, so I’d be like “Fuck this” I wanna see, and then move on
Casey:
Oh, you know what was the fucking awesomest thing at the zoo? I totally want one now, is, there’s this thing called a Screech Owl
Jeff:
Ok
Casey:
It was awesome, it was the coolest looking thing I’ve even seen
Jeff:
I’m trying to think of what that is
Casey:
It’s like, this little tiny owl, it was like, maybe that high, it was like, a little tiny owl
Jeff:
I think that might have been the one we saw down in Florida
Casey:
It has this amazing face, it has this fantastic face. I totally want one to hang around with
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know about having an owl inside the condo
Casey:
Well, it was at the raptor, there was a raptor demonstration, where they would like, have the birds of prey fly around, and like, you know, fly from, you know, one of the trainer’s arms to another of the trainer’s arms, so they just like, routines that they would do
Jeff:
I see
Casey:
It was pretty cool, because owls are like, super silent hunters, you know, they would have them fly like in a circle and you couldn’t hear them, you know, cause they’re like, their wings are so quiet, there was no sound, it was like they somehow move the air and without really making any
Jeff:
They’re a little creepy
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t know, I don’t know about an owl
Casey:
Pretty, though, I like ‘em
Jeff:
What was I going to say, I had something I was gonna add on. Oh, the raptor, you said raptor and it reminded me
Casey:
of Jurassic Park, I know where you’re going, right, it’s your favorite movie
Jeff:
No, wait, they. They had a picture of what raptors actually size were, like
Casey:
You mean of the Velociraptor, the dinosaur
Jeff:
Right. What they think the actual size of a Velociraptor is, instead of the one’s you saw in the movie, which are as tall as humans
Casey:
Wait, wait a second, what do you mean the actual size, they have fossil remain, don’t they?
Jeff:
Right, exactly
Casey:
So they know exactly how tall it is
Jeff:
Exactly. But in the movie, they didn’t use that data, right, they’re like, as big as chickens, right, and that’s ruined the movie, and you’re just like
Casey:
Awesome, awesome
Jeff:
“I’m being attacked,” like, yes, they’re ferocious pack hunters,
Casey:
The size of chickens
Jeff:
but they’re chickens. Goddamn it, I’ll kick the chicken and I’ll run away, it’s not nearly as scary as they have these crazy claws
Casey:
It’s like piranhas, or something, it’s like, Ok, yes, I guess they could eat people if they’re, but, come on now
Jeff:
They have this picture, I was, like, so disappointed. I went on Wikipedia and they have this picture of a human and then this raptor and you’re like “Fuck! That is not scary at all!”
Casey:
Well, I’m imagining that, like, Spielberg was presented this data when he was making Jurassic Park and he was just like
Jeff:
You don’t think Chrichton got it wrong right from the beginning?
Casey:
Well, Chrichton probably just made it up like he does all the time, right, but I’m just thinking that he, like, was presented with this information and he was like, “Alright, look, I fucking hated Gremlins, ok, just like everyone else, I’m not making the vicious attack creature be two feet high, it’s not happening.”
Jeff:
It’s not gonna work
Casey:
“Ok, bring me something else,”
Jeff:
I wanna see something scary
Casey:
“I don’t care what the book said,” right, “I don’t even like that guy as an author.”
Jeff:
We can say that at some point they were very big
Casey:
Probably
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 24
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