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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Where's THAT Sticker?
"My first thought here is, this guy is never babysitting my kids."
Original air date: October 18th, 2009
Topics. Grand Juries. Dolphins. Milk. Garfield. Pacifiers. SMiles. Girls Gone Wild. Cats. The moon. Pornography. Monkeys. Cows. Zero gravity. Animal cruelty. Bucket lists. Police. The Autoblow.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey show. This is part 4 of the mega cast, but first i was going to say something that happened to me last night that was fresh on mind and I didn’t want to wait until next time we recorded because it might be a long time. So the thing is like, if someone ever asked me before last night, “hey, is like it good or no good if girls go wild?” I’d say, that’s a good thing. Joe Fran_ois is an asshole, he’s just a bulkhead. But girls going wild is a good thing for the society that I want to listen it. Never has so much father, daughter problem turned into so much good for society basically. However, in my society, in my world, I never see any of this wildness, this happens not in my world. However, I’m always on the lookout. I’m trying to detect wildness. So I was walking home last night, to the condo, it’s only a couple of blocks away, but it’s through Kirkland and which there’s a lot of bars and stuff. So it was late Saturday night ,and I think to get good wildness you have to have girls, girls who have father issues, and then alcohol. And so I heard the sounds of wildness approaching in a car. I’m like, okay this is going to be good, I like this plan that’s happening. So I turn around to look at it, and again, if you’d ask me before it’s always just good to have wildness. But you know, for some people, they should be wild at home, they shouldn’t be wild outside, they shouldn’t be wild. Maybe they should just be normal, just relax it a little bit because when these wild people drove past me, there was some exposure of the breast area, and I’m like, again if you told me this that would be fine. But not all people are cut out to be wild. Right? They’re not all… you can’t all be wild. This particular lady, there was particular droopage, and I’ll leave it at that. there was serious droopage, and what happened in this droopage that made it worse, which made it go from good, to probably not so good, to actually bad, or not good, is she, her friend kind of pushed her… which caused her to lean up against the passenger side window. It was like if you had like a cartoon character with big bug eyes, like Garfield, right? And Garfield leaned into the thing and his eyes got all distorted, so it was all fucked up and that’s no good at all to see that, that alone was like… you know, no good. But then to bring it up the extra notch, is due to the aforementioned droopage I just talked about, Garfield’s eyes were smashed up against the window and then she was moving around, but like Garfield’s eyes were static, and she could move around while Garfield just stared at me not moving. So it was almost like the breasts weren’t connected or were connected very weakly. A weak connection. So what I’m going to say to the girls out there, is you know, go wild, it’s good to go wild sometimes. You should consider whether you should stay at home while you’re wild, or whether you should be wild in the privacy in your own condo. Because some wildness isn’t meant to be. Some wildness is no good for the other people that have to experience the wildness, and if you watch the commercials for Girls Gone Wild, I think they edit those ones out. I think they probably — you know think, if I was a camera man for Girls Gone Wild, there’s just wildness going on all the time. I bet you’d see a lot of inappropriate wildness if you’re the camera man. So that’s all I want to say, I wanted to get that out here because it’s a public service announcement from the Jeff and Casey Show, now that that’s all the way and covered, in fact, if you need advice on whether you should go wild or not. We’re here. You can always email us at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com and we’ll talk about it, and straighten you out or encourage you if necessary. So in the meantime, let’s go ahead and pick up the show on part 4 right where we left off, last week.
Jeff:
Alright Casey, next email.
Casey:
So, here’s a question. Are we trying to get to everyone or are we going in order? Dave Moore accounts for probably 5% of the emails.
Jeff:
He sends a lot of emails.
Casey:
The question is do I go in order because the next two are from him.
Jeff:
Skip around a bit.
Casey:
Let’s hit a bunch of people. We get anybody that took the time to send us an email first.. Now, I don’t want to… I don’t want to play favorites here. But the next person, Larry Johnson, happens to be our most enthusiastic fan if i had to say.
Jeff:
I don’t know Larry.
Casey:
Sarah’s Dad. He writes the most effective complimentary emails to this podcast of anyone else.
Jeff:
that’s awesome. Get your medication.
Casey:
It makes me concerned for what other entertainment he’s consuming that we rank this high.
Jeff:
I believe his first email had us saving the United States.
Casey:
Yes, I think he thought that we were going to single handedly save the level of discourse in the country..
Jeff:
Which is amazing because the level of discourse we tend to stoop to.
Casey:
yes, maybe he is maybe being as facetious as one can possibly be here and is having an amusement. But he sends us an email, one thing he knows is he is an avid fan of the show. He knows what kinds of links we tend to read on the show and sends that kind. This email is Jenson Beach Man claims Cat Downloaded Child Porn.
Jeff:
So he had some porn what’s his name?
Casey:
So this fellow, Keith R. Griffin. He was charged Wednesday with 10 counts of Child Pornography after a detective found more than 1000 pornographic images on his computer according to a news release Thursday. Griffin told detectives that his cat would jump on the keyboard, and when he returned there would be strange material downloaded.
Jeff:
What’s the cat’s name? did they list the cat’s name?
Casey:
They did not list the cat’s name.
Jeff:
Seriously, how could they not have the name there? Probably because he’s a legend child pornographer kitty.
Casey:
So, if someone arrested me for child porn, I’m just like “Jeff Roberts put it on my machine.” They aren’t going to print your name because they don’t have probable cause for that yet. Maybe during the investigation they have, they charge you, now your name may be public knowledge. But I can’t just throw seen, and Dave, and Jeff were feeding with kitty porn. Child cat porn.
Jeff:
Kitty porn. That’s with a T, not a D.
Casey:
Kitty porn. Uh, okay. I guess part of the problem with this link… I don’t know where to start. I mean, obviously the guy is telling the truth because you can’t make up something like this. So I’m putting myself in his position and how all these people think I’m crazy but my cat is downloading child porn, and since I myself don’t’ know how to use a computer that well, I can’t delete it. I ask the cat to delete it, I say meow, meow, meow.
Jeff:
Which means erase your history you’re going to do this,
Casey:
clear cookies, and switch user for fucks sake. I put in Mrs. Sockington on the login screen for a reason, can you just go ahead and do that. she’s like, no man I’m using your account so when we get busted you’re taking the fall. What’s a guy supposed to do at that point? Here’s the other question, how did they find this out?
Jeff:
yeah, that’s my thing. Did the cat turn him in? the heats on and he emails on one of the submission forms to the police department?
Casey:
I’d imagine here what’s happened. He’s an outdoor cat, he goes to the park, right? And he’s expecting to meet a 6 month old kitten ,right? But he’s actually..
Jeff:
Dateline.
Casey:
Exactly. It’s a sting. He like sees her on the bench, uh, something is fishy. There’s a crow up in the tree there. Looks like he might be in on it.
Jeff:
Something in his ear.
Casey:
I’ve been here before. I don’t want this to go south quickly. He high tails it, if you will out of there back to the safety of his own home, right? Probably hits the litter box on the way, comes back in, I have to set somebody up for this quickly to take the fall.
Jeff:
So he started downloading.
Casey:
Now, I’m guessing because Martin County Sherriff’s office, they’ve got some crack detectives over there I bet.
Jeff:
Where is that?
Casey:
Martin County is in…
Jeff:
Where’s this link from? Is it from a newspaper link?
Casey:
Jeff can you guess where it is?
Jeff:
Is it fucking Florida?
Casey:
Yes, it’s palm beach Florida.
Jeff:
GOD DAMNIT. Fuck. Well, okay now this makes more sense. That cat could be Cuban. He could’ve come in on a boat.
Casey:
What the fuck are you talking about? It’s Palm Beach Florida.
Jeff:
Which side is that on?
Casey:
I don’t know. I’m imagining it’s old people. Some old guy with a cat, he’s 48 years old, he’s got a cat, some cat guy. Here’s what I’m wondering. These detectives when they go over the internet log, you should be able to tell if it’s a cat or not because they don’t have a lot of precision on the typing. There should be all these total malformed URLs that are close to like pets.petco.com
Jeff:
Well they all have the link and a Google link right after where they clicked on did you mean Purina?
Casey:
And there it is. So you should be able to tell if it’s a cat or human right away.
Jeff:
Couldn’t they dust the keyboard and see paw prints? These are strange fingers.
Casey:
There’s some gravely bits in between the keys, what’s going on here.
Jeff:
That is really reaching for the excuse.
Casey:
It seems like he could have come up with something better
Jeff:
My neighbor borrows my internet, or I have viruses.
Casey:
I don’t know would have been better than that. I don’t know how that goes on there would have been a stronger defense than my cat downloaded 1000+ child porn images by jumping on the keyboard?
Jeff:
I would believe if your cat downloaded 1, or
Casey:
Casey:
Or 730 for example. But 1000, that’s a little high.
Jeff:
That just stretches the imagination too far. I can’t…
Casey:
Just to be clear, it’s the number of images. Any cat can download a few images, that’s not that hard to believe.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Who’s cat hasn’t downloaded a few child porn images?
Jeff:
Which usually means you need to go get them spayed. Usually that turns that urge down.
Casey:
That’s a good point. Folks, have your pets spayed or neutered and you won’t’ go to jail for pornography.
Jeff:
This poor bastard, his cat, they didn’t do that, now he’s paying the price.
Casey:
Well, I mean I guess what I would say is that this Jeff could be your ticket out. If you get a pet, any time they come after you for the bit tormenting, you could just be like, “I don’t know man… My cat likes to curb your enthusiasm every time it’s on there.”
Jeff:
He’s a pervert. Yup, I’m sorry I change my password all the time.
Casey:
Oh Sooty, what were you doing again? I’m going to have to lock that computer.
Jeff:
While we’re on the crazy tip, he sent us another one recently we should go right into because it is also amazing and we’ll hit them both at once. It was just in the last couple days.
Casey:
I think I know the one you’re referring to here, are you referring to the cow? Are you talking about the cow email?
Jeff:
Bring up the link.
Casey:
So we’re going to do a double header for Larry Johnson, and he was asking, let me see here if I’ve got it, I don’t know where that… I know the one you’re talking about, but I’m not sure where it is.
Jeff:
It was just recently. Maybe not to podcast, but just to us.
Casey:
I recognize the guys face because it was an interesting mug shot this guy had. This one is in Philadelphia I guess, it’s philly.com and it’s in the Philadelphia daily news. The headline does not make it perhaps sound quite as intriguing as it is. They buried the lad on this one. They said animal cruelty charges dropped against Burlington county cop.
Jeff:
I read that, I was like, isn’t that always the case. Fucking cops get away with whatever they want.
Casey:
Yeah, kicked a dog or something mean , or he shot a dog on a swat thing. Turns out, Animal cruelty in this case has per multiple interpretations apparently than what we were going with.
Jeff:
Now he’s a sheriff or a police man?
Casey:
Police officer. Now, they may have buried the lead but the opening paragraph, they had some fun with the article. If animals could talk, a few cows in Burlington County might ask state legislators to hurry up and outlaw bestiality. That was their leading line. That’s line number one.
Jeff:
When I read that, I was also thinking they can’t talk because they are all being serviced.
Casey:
Number 2 is, during a bizarre hearing, a superior court judge dismissed animal cruelty charges against a Morristown Police Office accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of 5 calves in rural South Hampton claiming a grand jury could not infer whether the cows had “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.
Jeff:
duped. I think that’s what those little calves were thinking. “Seriously, what the fuck.
Casey:
let’s be clear right here. I don’t know what exactly the line for rape is, nonconsensual oral sex, this is rape of a minor. It’s a calf. It is not a full grown cow, A.
Jeff:
Now, what I did find, what I did like I guess is that the judge went through a lot of thinking about the situation that we do. He worked it out.
Casey:
He says, “if the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak would it say, “Where’s the milk, I’m not getting any milk.” Judge James T. Morley asked.
Jeff:
Wait for it, there will be something ,wait, there’s the milk.
Casey:
Children, Morley said, seemed comforted when given pacifiers, but there’s no way to know what bovine minds thought of Robert Melia Juniors substituting his member for a Cow’s teet.
Jeff:
Now this judge rules, he should be on the supreme court.
Casey:
My first thought here is this guy is never babysitting my kids. If he is using a similar part of his brain to reason about pacifiers and cock sucking, we have a problem. Alright? This guy is not qualified to make judgments about anything, let alone some kind of a penis situation. I mean cow / penis. Not cow penis situation.
Jeff:
He went right to the mind’s eye of the cow. Let’s get into there and I’m looking at this, I’m not sure about this point of view. He doesn’t really know because his logic is crazy awesome …
Casey:
There’s a number of quotes from him. Let me just say before we move on to his other, this is precedent. Here’s the problem, this is a judicial proceeding, so somebody future cow penis people like are going to be able to get off if you will by citing this case. All I did was stick my penis in the mouth of a cow, and as you can see in the people vs. Robert Melia
Jeff:
Mrs. Butterworth vs. Robert Melia. Oh, the cow’s not sewing, the people are?
Casey:
Well the cow presumably didn’t press charges.
Jeff:
I see okay.
Casey:
It’s Philadelphia, I mean, the state of Philadelphia versus Robert Melia. I don’t know how they would classify this. Not on behalf on the cow. I guess Betsy Doe vs. Robert Melia or something if that’s what you’re going for. But, I mean, yet this is codified. This is in the books. Somebody is writing down in some like judgment that because..
Jeff:
There’s some paralegal typing this in going, “Holy FUCK.”
Casey:
Because somebody thought that it wasn’t clear whether the cow liked having someone’s penis inserted into its mouth that this guy is not going to have to be charged with anything. That’s where we are at in Philly. But he’s not guilty of animal cruelty. Sean raised an interesting point here, we’ve dealt with this on the podcast. This is very much like Sweden’s current dilemma with their agricultural minister, right who asked the incipient question, is it wrong to rub bitches teet with love? Is it wrong?
Jeff:
We don’t know these questions.
Casey:
Is it wrong to put your penis in the mouth of a cow in love or is it not?
Jeff:
What if the cow likes it? The thing I don’t like is you know how the hormone levels in milk is way up because they are injecting them with all this shit, okay what goes in comes out. I want my milk cum free, just as a general rule. Where’s that sticker? I see organic, I see soy, I don’t’ see the one where a Philly police officer hasn’t cummed inside the cow. I want that sticker.
Casey:
These cows are Robert Melia free. These are raised Robert Melia free cows.
Jeff:
God dam nit. God Damnit, fucking Philadelphia, that’s nuts.
Casey:
I pity the person that eats that beef tongue.
Jeff:
Fuck it, NO. No.
Casey:
Hopefully you can’t catch herpes from ingesting that. I guess. We’ll say that.
Jeff:
He also pointed out the picture is an awesome pre arrest. This guy is a police officer? Holy fuckballs. This guy pulls you over at night he’s in a cop uniform, and he’s looking at… you think he went and bought a cop uniform and a light to put on top of his impala that’s like rusted up, one door is wrong color. But you can’t tell at night. He pulls his shit over. They should also put that on the officer’s exam. The police department, you’re in this situation, the essay part of the policeman’s form? You’re in this situation what would you do?
Casey:
his response was she was asking for it. Betsy liked it.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
I have one thing to say to you. Is it wrong to rub a bitch’s teets with love?
Jeff:
And when they’re backing up into you…
Casey:
And when they’re backing up into you, what are you going to do? Do you want to be rude, right? Or some kind of Prius, you’re too good for this cow is that what you’re saying? Another thing I’d like to know is I’m assuming this wasn’t his first time. The chances of you getting caught with a cow fellation incident, this could have been a lifelong thing.
Jeff:
You know when they study serial killers, they don’t just kill people, they start with smaller things. So he probably fucked a pumpkin 20 years ago.
Casey:
Like a jackoffalantern, whatever. So I’m guessing that somewhere along the line he had this bright idea. He’s like, Oh, I just realized… what have I been thinking this whole time I could have been sticking my unit in a cows mouth. It’s exactly the perfect..
Jeff:
Here’s the thing. He’s been working on this his whole life. I’ve always wanted a cow to blow me. It’s got those teeth that they grind the wheat with, and that’s going to… OH MY GOD, I f you get a Calf they don’t have Teeth yet!!
Casey:
Do they not?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I’m thinking this is his eureka moment. When you’re sitting there and you figure out a bug in your code. That’s it! I can’t wait to get into work, type in the code, and that was it.
Casey:
and get my penis into this cow.
Jeff:
That’s him. Holy shit, I’m going to fit, I can’t wait until I get off work. I need to look on the internet, find out a lot of calves, right? They might not all be into me.
Casey:
Well, we’re assuming he got off work. For all we know he was still on duty. It didn’t say off duty cop Robert Melia. It just says Robert Melia.
Jeff:
That’s the problem with this story. He abused his authority position. It’s like the teacher and the student.
Casey:
He pulled the cow over he was speeding..
Jeff:
No, he pulled the cow over. Betsy, do you know how fast you were going? We can make this whole thing go away otherwise I have to take you downtown.
Casey:
One or the other of us is going to have to go downtown if you know what I mean.
Jeff:
It’s really just an abuse of power is the way I look at it.
Casey:
It’s sad really. This kind of a cow sexual harassment that’s going on. 3. Did it say 5 calves?
Casey:
It did say 5, it makes me wonder how they knew that. when you show up, do they stop and were they observing this guy do this and they didn’t stop him. They were just watching or what?
Jeff:
I think they were like oh my god he’s got more. Either that or they have some crazy kit that they use, the forensic scientist, did he do the whole flock or were there only 5? That’s good. Most guys would be nervous doing two cows at once. Most people don’t want to do anything crazy. He did 5 cows that night.
Casey:
Well, okay, I have no idea what to say because this article goes on to talk about the fact that this guy and his former girlfriend Heather Lewis of Pemberton Township are also accused of sexually assaulting three young girls over a 5 year period. Sometimes in Melia’s cottage avenue home in Morristown where he was a patrolman.
Jeff:
Fuck, he’s just going for it.
Casey:
Now what I find interesting here is that somehow they aren’t like, well children enjoy having something to suck on, what’s the problem?
Jeff:
Yeah you’d think the judge would probably..
Casey:
The judge is like I don’t see the problem. Its’ the same as a pacifier. Just another pacifier situation ,everything is fine. More, apparently that one they are more upset about and the fact that he did that didn’t disqualify him in any way from continuing to be a police officer.
Jeff:
He was probably put on administrative leave for a couple weeks, no pay, just until we get this whole thing with the girls, and the girlfriend.
Casey:
Then he was like, I guess we can’t sexually assault girls anymore, I guess we’ll have to go for cows for a while.
Jeff:
Maybe the condition of his parole, you can’t within any range of a human. He’s like okay, how about these cows. Then he’s like, can you be more specific? If there’s anything you don’t want me to put my dick into, it better be put down on this paper. Fences…
Casey:
Let’s be straight here. My dick is going into something tonight. So you better tell me all the things you don’t want it in, and I’ll find something else. Problem solved.
Jeff:
If your member in the van Halen book that we read a long time ago, David Lee Roth spoke about the fact of how hard..
Casey:
He wasn’t connecting.
Jeff:
And how hard it was to have a relationship when sexually he had anything he wanted available to him. He spoke about, it’s just…
Casey:
Your head the part where he said he wasn’t connecting — the people he was connecting with between the legs he was not connecting with between the temples. It was the split construction that Ian Cristie used to eloquently state that thought.
Jeff:
Yeah, he brought up how difficult it was to maintain a relationship when you go out on the road and anything goes. Right? So this guy has experienced a small part of that. he’s doing crazy shit with teenagers in the next down over and his girlfriend, he’s fucking cows. Diablo is not going to do it. He’s way beyond that. he needs something, he’s thinking about like how am I going to get into space so I can fuck the moon? He’s way beyond what we can imagine, we can’t help this guy because he’s way out there. He’s a pioneer.
Casey:
It’s like NASA, is there anywhere that I can be lying down on the launch pad when you launch that thing? I need it to be…
Jeff:
Right. I’m a police officer, do you have something where a police officer can go into Astronaut training?
Casey:
let me ask you this. I know you guys have sent monkeys into space. Did they ever use a pacifier?
Jeff:
Did they ever complain ,these monkeys, about not having anything to suck on?
Casey:
Up there, for example.
Jeff:
I have a solution, I can provide that.
Casey:
Let me blunt here, zero Gs space monkey blow job is next on my bucket list, alright, and I’m getting old.
Jeff:
I’m 48 years old, I’m looking at 10 years of prison. If I don’t get the space monkey job, then I don’t know if I’ll get the chance. Right? That’s a tragedy.
Casey:
Also, do you have a sign language crash course? I’m just throwing out there. I want to know.
Jeff:
I think the other thing is ,when we read that story about the man fucking the blow hole, do you remember that story?
Casey:
What? No I don’t. of a whale or dolphin?
Jeff:
Yes, a beach..
Casey:
It was a dolphin.
Jeff:
Do you think that guy was at home, oh that… he’s thinking of a screenwriter whose writing some movie and the idea is stolen and they are making a movie. He’s like to fuck a dolphin in the blow hole was on the list, and then like oh that fucker got to it first.
Casey:
IT might also be something like it’s the old grizzled veteran, he’s lost his confidence. He’s like, he hasn’t stuck his dick in anything weird in a month, and he goes, he’s lost his edge, but then through some chance, the last day before he re tires, he goes and runs into this old dude in a cabin somewhere who stuck his dick in thousands of things this guy’s hasn’t even thought of, right. It might be more like that. He’s like, “Listen son, don’t let the bastards get you down.” 3. I don’t know. This is triumph of the judicial system, he got in trouble with these girls ,and the whole parole scenario. So he went and tried the calves and that was legal. He transitioned to something else that was legal.
Casey:
that’s a good point. The correctional system has moved him to the closest legal thing he could be doing, and so now when they outlaw bestiality he’ll go to the auto blow. He’ll keep moving closer and closer. I love the fact that they highlight she is his ex-girlfriend. I guess they didn’t weather the storm together.
Jeff:
Sometimes these things pull you together, and sometimes they tear you apart
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. 3. So it’s okay with the little girls, but not the cows.
Casey:
that’s pushing it too far.
Jeff:
You sick fuck.
Casey:
Yeah, you sick fuck sticking your dick in a cow.
Jeff:
Right, when we raped those 12 year olds, I was right there. But yeah, no.
Casey:
Some things I just won’t do. Now, I will end this, I don’t even know what this was, but we’ll end it by quoting the last line of this article which is that Morgan, the prosecutor, said in court that the owner of the cows was quote “very upset” by the incident.
Jeff:
I would be. I think people are upset when there are peeping toms on their property. When you go from that to when someone is fucking your animals, you totally feel violated. 3. That was a criminal case, so the guy who owns the cow is going to try a civil suit now.
Casey:
Certainly, well I mean, the very least, it was an unauthorized use of bovine property right?
Jeff:
Trespassing at the minimum.
Casey:
Very specific trespassing, in this area up here.
Jeff:
Well maybe he stood on the property line and just leaned over.
Casey:
Oh wow, yeah.
Jeff:
Come here cows, I’ve got something.
Casey:
If the cows head was over the fence line..
Jeff:
You might need the district court to look into that.
Casey:
Well if it was a state, the fence was on a state line. The FBI is called in.
Jeff:
Usually you have to get federal employees to try state ones to make sure they are tried correctly. So these might be a thing.
Casey:
Skully and Molder show up.
Jeff:
Exactly, let’s dust for semen. Smile.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s good stuff.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 22
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