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Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Friends on Friends
"Give me the secrets, and I'll quit bothering you."
Original air date: October 5th, 2009
Topics. Reality TV. Malware. Doubles. Viruses. The ladies’ bathroom. Cheaters. Condo deaths. Dispensers. Friends on Friends. On-line dating. BestBuy. match.com. TV installation. PS3. pets.com. Fiber. Web programmers.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody! Welcome to the Jeff and Casey show. This is part two of our extended super mega cast and I’m just going to let it jump right in. Okay, we’re back. Sorry. Little bathroom break.
Casey:
Little bathroom break for Jeff.
Jeff:
So, yeah, so, hey, the thing was — just now . . . (laughs)
Casey:
Yeah, did you have a bathroom issue?
Jeff:
No. I was being very clever. Because, I only have. . . I don’t have a lot of rules, podcast studio, but one of the rules is Jeff takes a bathroom break and you have to wait until I return.
Casey:
Well, that’s not really what happened
Jeff:
No, you break the rule all the time!
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
And then you talk, and it’s inappropriate and I can’t handle it.
Casey:
I just go to the bathroom whenever the fuck I want, and then you end up having to work around. That’s what it was out there.
Jeff:
Yeah, so, OK. I thought that was going to happen this time. . .
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
. . .so what I did is. . .
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
It’s Sunday There’s nobody at the office
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
What do you think this plan is? It’s time to use the girls’! I used the girls’. . .
Casey:
what . . . the . . .
Jeff:
. . .figuring you’d use the guys. . .
Casey:
fuck!
Jeff:
. . .and I’d switch it up on you! But anyway, it’s very nice in there. It’s pleasant. It’s a lot cleaner than the men’s.
Casey:
Dude, you don’t use the girls’ rest room!
Jeff:
I’m just going to say what they. . .
Casey:
you don’t do that! That’s like, just not done.
Jeff:
There’s a dispenser in there.
Casey:
You know what? Here’s a manswer for you
Jeff:
what?
Casey:
Don’t go on the girls’ bathroom.
Jeff:
OK, well, here’s my. . .
Casey:
Right? The question is:
Jeff:
OK, but wait.
Casey:
do you ever use the . . .
Jeff:
Well, here’s my. . . muestion..
Casey:
. . .girl’s bathroom, and the manswer is: no
Jeff:
Here’s my muestion:
Casey:
yeah?
Jeff:
is, they have a dispenser in there.
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
OK, that you can buy items, like, uh, hygiene items
Casey:
yes
Jeff:
Like, I guess, for women
Casey:
yes?
Jeff:
and it’s a quarter.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
OK, so, like. . .
Casey:
What’s, what’s — yeah, what’s. . . th problem
Jeff:
The question is, like, OK, you’re having a disaster, like, uh-oh. Oh dear.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Are you gonna get up, and waddle over, and fish out a quarter, and then it’s — it’s kinda like a gum ball machine and it’s got a crank, like, that you turn. And then it’s got a little like, it’s like a -a — it’s like you’re getting a gum ball, only, it’s — it’s not a good gum ball.
Casey:
You just, you basically have absolutely no clue, do you?
Jeff:
No, I don’t ha — I don’t want to know.
Casey:
You’re just totally fucking clueless.
Jeff:
I’m just saying that sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want to use a dispenser. Is all I’m saying. If I was a woman, I would not use a dispenser. I’d keep, like. . .
Casey:
So let’ just, let’s just
Jeff:
No, let’s not.
Casey:
I just.
Jeff:
Let’s not.
Casey:
OK, I will put this in as capt??? (2:10) terms as possible.
Jeff:
OK
Casey:
For you.
Jeff:
OK. You better be, you better be easy on me.
Casey:
The dispenser is for getting a new one to replace . . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
. . .what you currently have. It’s not like you in the m- this is not a like, emergency situation, necessarily . . .
Jeff:
It could be an emergency situation
Casey:
…It’s probably not! It’s probably just. . .
Jeff:
OK
Casey:
. . .just like, ‘oh, OK, I want to change’, right? Like. . .
Jeff:
But why would you not have your own supply? Why would you get it out of the fucking quarter dispenser? It seems. . .
Casey:
Jeff! You leave your fucking iPhone at the table at restaurants! OK? Like, of course you could forget!
Jeff:
Yeah! I’m not bleeding out of my iPhone! Like, It’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
What the fuck is wrong with you?? You are fucking retarded.
Jeff:
Oh my god!
Casey:
You are retarded. You know what? You and the special embers ??? (2:55) deserve each other.
Jeff:
I think so. . .
Casey:
OK? You and just the rear admiral game tools??? (2:58), can’t figure out why you might want a dispenser
Jeff:
I think . . .
Casey:
. . .in the ladies bathroom.
Jeff:
I think the only reason you have a dispenser is emergency situations. Like, you, because, if you would, if you HAD a plan, you’ve got, you’ve got spare. Action. And then. . .
Casey:
(sighs)
Jeff:
I’m just saying. There’s also two items there, and I was a little unclear what the two items were for. But then I thought, then I had the panic attack of “I better get the hell out of here, because if I’m captured in here then the podcast, the longest podcast of all time is going to be shortened . . .
Casey:
yes
Jeff:
… because I was arrested”
Casey:
I’m going to try and come up with an analogy here. I don’t even know why I’m trying. . .
Jeff:
Be careful
Casey:
because I know it’s not going to fucking work
Jeff:
OK
Casey:
but I’m just going to try here, like. . .
Jeff:
Be careful.
Casey:
All right. You go to the gym . . .
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
OK?
Jeff:
When I do that, there’s people there.
Casey:
Whatever.
Jeff:
OK
Casey:
A person, a manswer goes to the gym.
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
OK?
Jeff:
A manswerer.
Casey:
Works out- runs — he runs for 30 minutes.
Jeff:
U-huh.
Casey:
OK. His t shirt is sweat through.
Jeff:
I’m getting nervous here.
Casey:
OK?
Jeff:
all right.
Casey:
He goes to the locker room, and he’s like “fuck, I forgot to bring a change of t shirt” OK?
Jeff:
And then he buys another t. . .
Casey:
And then there’s a t shirt shop there that sells t shirts, so he buys a t shirt and puts it on. There was never an em — it wasn’t like, “oh my god! I need a new t shirt right now and I can’t fumble — I don’t have time to get out my wallet ! ”
Jeff:
Yeah!
Casey:
No, it’s not, it’s not an impending disaster!
Jeff:
That sounds — exactly what it is!
Casey:
It just “Oh, I would like — I prefer, right now, to have a fresh t shirt, so I’m going to buy one!” Why is that so weird?
Jeff:
Because, OK, you don’t realise that you don’t have the spare t shirt, so then you’re taking the other t shirt off. . .
Casey:
No! That — maybe, you know — that’ not necessarily true!
Jeff:
And then — well, no! You go to the locker (laughs) and you open the locker, and then you’re like “aw, shit. I don’t have an extra t shirt”
Casey:
No, but you’re just . . .
Jeff:
And the t shirt is all dripping wet
Casey:
You might have realised this beforehand, right? You might have realised this while you were working out, and then it’s like “aaaw, fuck! I forgot to bring a spare t shirt today.”
Jeff:
OK, I can see some — I can see those situations. . .
Casey:
Yeah!
Jeff:
Those seem like not what the dispenser is there for though.
Casey:
I think that’s exactly what it’s there for.
Jeff:
Oh my goood
Casey:
But I don’t know. . .
Jeff:
If we had-
Casey:
How should I know, right?
Jeff:
If we had and gym go- if we had any people. . .
Casey:
I just think — I don’t have as ridiculous a conception of it as you do, perhaps
Jeff:
..then — no!
Casey:
Maybe we’ll have this clarified ..
Jeff:
No, I’m just realistic
Casey:
. . .someone will write in and explain.
Jeff:
Oh! Please don’t write in. If you write in, write in to Casey.
Casey:
Please write in, and say “Tell Jeff that he’s retarded”
Jeff:
No, write in -don’t tell me, I don’t want to know
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
Oh my god.
Casey:
(sighing) OK, fine.
Jeff:
Oh. . . ..so-
Casey:
Send email to casey@mollyrocket.com
Jeff:
and then you can
Casey:
and then . . .
Jeff:
and then you can can. . .
Casey:
. . . I guess I’ll like,
Jeff:
. . . translate it
Casey:
. . .I’ll change the nouns around
Jeff:
yeah
Casey:
from — to t shirt for Jeff, because he seems to be sort of OK with that
Jeff:
Yes. Uh. . . I’m just going to say something else. Like, we have a couple of friends. We have a fair number of friends, actually, that do the match.com thing. That, that, uh..
Casey:
Do we?
Jeff:
Yes. I wanted. We’re not naming — we can’t, we can’t out these people.
Casey:
Right. I don’t know.
Jeff:
But we do have, we do have people, and it seems to be a thing that technical people tend to do.
Casey:
Now wait a sec. Now, hold on a second. When you say match.com, are you being specific, there, or do you mean online. . .
Jeff:
No, no, I just mean..
Casey:
online dating
Jeff:
Yeah, I just mean online dating, yeah.
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
I just. Yeah.
Casey:
Gotcha.
Jeff:
There’s a bunch of them, right. Is match. com. like the facebook. Are they the big ones?
Casey:
Don’t know.
Jeff:
OK. Okay. . . But, there’s a fair number, and, and, and it’s popular with technical people in general. Uh — I found.
Casey:
OK?
Jeff:
I don’t understand this. This is totally crazy to me. OK?
Casey:
You don’t understand the concept of online dating?
Jeff:
No, I understand that concept I don’t understand why it’s popular among technical people, because, technical people, I mean, OK.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
These sites. . .
Casey:
uh — yeah.
Jeff:
. . .are written by people, right?
Casey:
Right by web programmers. . .
Jeff:
By web programmers
Casey:
yep.
Jeff:
even, like, a scale down from web programmers Like, the guy that couldn’t get on at facebook?
Casey:
yeah, right.
Jeff:
It’s like, look:
Casey:
This isn’t, this isn’t amazon.com, this isn’t google
Jeff:
no, this isn’t like we’re shooting for 99..
Casey:
no, this is. . . no no no no
Jeff:
even though it’s fine if it’s worked half the time.
Casey:
Right, this is like the people, you know, who — who brought you like, maybe. . . I don’t even know, like probably not even overstocked.com, but like
Jeff:
right
Casey:
so probably below that . . .
Jeff:
Right, yeah.
Casey:
. . .probably somewhere in the . . . you know.
Jeff:
Oh, so you, you know, you might be over qualified, I see here you worked at pets.com.
Casey:
right, yeah. But — right yeah.
Jeff:
or I was involved in the puppet. Oh, you’re hired. (from 7:25 onward, technical terms + coding might be confused)
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
OK, so you have very low level people here.
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
These are not that any of my technical friends that use these services would trust to write, like . . .
Casey:
Right. They wouldn’t let them program the fucking elevator in their apartment complex. . .
Jeff:
Right, exactly! And yet —
Casey:
. . .let alone any of the code they have to ship under the bases??? (7:38)
Jeff:
Right! So they wont let them touch their code. . .
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But they’re willing to let them basically touch their dick, like. . .
Casey:
Yeah, yeah. Exactly, right, yeah.
Jeff:
OK, they’re controlling where that goes.
Casey:
Yes. Yup!
Jeff:
Like, this whole thing with match.com “we do profiling, matching”
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
It’s like, no they don’t!
Casey:
Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
They have a map that they programmed wrong, and then it’s basically random.
Casey:
Right, yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yeah. There’s —
Jeff:
And they’re trusting — the fact that — they’re trusting these idiots.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Just so. . . so, hm, so first, I’ll cement that argument, and then I’ll turn tables on you.
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
So, obviously, I totally agree with you. Like, in actuality. Like, I have no. . .
Jeff:
That’s terrifying.
Casey:
Right. I mean, we’re talking about. . . Like, I was trying to buy Mp3s from real.com the other day. And, like, they don’t clear the shopping basket after you buy. So if you’re not careful, you end up buying everything you’ve ever bought, and any squared number of times, and the number of orders you placed. That’s where we are at.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
So, these are the people that you’re. . .
Jeff:
Could you imagine if real made a dating service? Like, it would install something. . .
Casey:
First of all, this would be — every date you went on, would have all of your ex-girlfriends there. Right? If you continue that analogy.
Jeff:
(laughing) Awesome.
Casey:
It’s like, you’re so up to the date, thinking you’re only going to the date with this latest girl that you met online through this service.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Instead, everybody that you’ve ever gone on a date with is at the table, and you’re like, “hi. . . uuh, hmm. What’s going on?”
Jeff:
Right. And you’ll have to stop dating them if you, if you don’t pay for the monthly service
Casey:
Right, yeah. Absolutely.
Jeff:
Yeah, you can’t date her any more
Casey:
Well, there’s a number of things. First of all, you can only actually go out with them one time. And if, like, you’re on your way to pick them up or something, but then you get, like, an emergency call; your mum is in the hospital — you never get to go on a date with the.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Ever again. It’s like, forget it, you have to go . . .
Jeff:
Well, I think what happens is. you’re on your way to pick her up and you’re moving along, you’re about half way there, and then your car just stops.
Casey:
(laughs) yeah.
Jeff:
And then you wait, and you wait, and it goes forward a little, like, a block, and stops.
Casey:
yeah: bluunk! yeah.
Jeff:
and then stoo. . .ps. And you’re like “When is it going to get to the end of the trip??”
Casey:
yes, Yes.
Jeff:
aaaw. And, no, OK, so I don’t get that part, the trust, I mean, I’m sure it’s like “I don’t want to deal with this”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
. . .people, and the real world, and stuff. But still, you’re putting your hands in . . .
Casey:
Well, I can see — here’s — the thing is that I’m a pretty good programmer. Right?
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
Like, I — I already can write the online dating system for myself, if that’s what what I wanted. . .
Jeff:
OK, I see, so. . . (9:58)
Casey:
It’s return = false. If match = Print seize . . . person . . . (Both laughing)
Jeff:
I see, caseydate.com
Casey:
. . .girl= return false. . .
Jeff:
Right, right. . . .where..?
Casey:
Problem solved!!
Jeff:
It’s easy!
Casey:
Right, like, I’ve already got the algorithm(???) (something grid??) — we’re all done. We — we’ve finished it.
Jeff:
(laughing)
Casey:
OK. To play devil’s advocate. . .
Jeff:
uh-huh?
Casey:
rand mod (??) you know, 1.5 million or what ever it is that the algorithm thirds (?) using to return a match for the technical people that you’re talking about in this case — that may actually be no worse than what ever they were doing before, right?
Jeff:
Oh right, yes. That’s true.
Casey:
So it’s like, so yes I agree that it’s absolutely, probably complete garbage that (??) they’re using to match people up, but so was what that person was doing before. So it’s probably not like another step down, right? (Both speaking at the same time)
Jeff:
Right. We’ve got rid of that when we put in the rand. The only downside of the rand (?) is like, you might get the same date, like, three times in a row. Like, aaawww. . .
Casey:
Yeah, but (both speaking at the same time) . . .which rand it is.
Jeff:
Aaaawww. . . right, if it repeats.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, what’s the period on your date matching system? Like, you know . . .
Casey:
yeah.
Jeff:
. . . when will it wrap around. But I don’t get it. I don’t get it: is it just ‘cause you get nervous and you just, like, it cuts out that asking part? Like. . .
Casey:
Well, I mean, if in a p —
Jeff:
Does it like, in a — or do you feel better that it matches levels of desperation? (laughs) It’s the desperation level matcher.
Casey:
(laughing)
Jeff:
So, you’re like “she’s a, like, if I’m going into this and she’s going into this, she’s at least as desperate as I am, so it’s all gonna work out.
Casey:
Uuuh. Gosh! Uhm. . . I don’t know. That’s a good — we should ask someone. . .
Jeff:
I know somebody who does it just because, like, he’s getting, like, mad laid. Like, it’s like . . .
Casey:
Well, here’s . . .
Jeff:
. . .If you sign up he’s just going to town. And . . . I don’t know if that’s what everybody does . . .
Casey:
Uuuh; here’s what I would say:
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
 — uh —
Jeff:
-Let’s put it in terms of if the person’s like not a sociopath.
Casey:
right-right-right yeah. Uh, I guess what I would say is, well, if you anticipate eventually having some sort of success meeting someone at some point, then what exactly are your options? Right? I mean, that’s the way to look at it, right? If you’re a technical person . . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, those are only male. Pretty much.
Jeff:
Right. OK.
Casey:
Right? That’s like a 99 % male thing. So it’s not like you’re going to go meet someone at some activity that you like.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Because that’s not going to happen.
Jeff:
At the working group, it’s not going to work out.
Casey:
That’s not going to happen, right?
Jeff:
At the comic con. . .
Casey:
No, not going to happen, right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Because there are only ten women there and they are already taken.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? So end of story.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So. . . so. . .
Jeff:
But they’re getting . . .
Casey:
. . . you know that you’re going to end up with somebody that’s not — who’s like in some other separate thing, so it’s, like, well. . . OK, right? You can go pick someone up at a bar, but like, is that better than just putting your name online hitting rand? ‘Cause it’s the same fucking thing, right? And at least at this point you’ve got someone who knows how to use a computer for long enough to fucking put their information into a form, and that’s something.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
The capitalisation is all fucked up. . .
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. It’s like, at least they, like, were able to hit the submit button, which is probably more than you can say about half the fucking people at the fucking night club.
Jeff:
I see. So what you want to do is, like, you’re interested in this girl, hand her an iPhone with an app running that is like a series of tests. . .
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
. . .Like, in the ultimate for the geek, like, matching system is if they would design a series of technical questions that she must answer properly to go out on a date. Like, if you wanted more filtering than just “she can press the submit button”?
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Then they could make something and go up to the bar and say “look, you know, I’m really interested in you, and obviously you’re interested in me.” Just clearly.
Casey:
That’s what you’re saying?
Jeff:
No, I’m just thinking, I mean this is — I have another thing about geeks that we can talk about on that, but —
Casey:
OK, well, we have eight hours, so we’re gonna . . .
Jeff:
Yeah, we’re gonna hit everything.
Casey:
I’m just, I’m not, I’m not, My head is not following your . . . hypothetical here . . . I’m a little lost
Jeff:
I’m saying, My hypothetical is, are you saying we wouldn’t need online dating things if geeky guys could design a test to give girls at the bar to, like, show that they’re at least competent?
Casey:
No! No! Because again, it’s a many to many problem. Like, how many people are you going to . . . (both talking)
Jeff:
Oh, I see what you’re saying. You want a lot of people pressing that submit. Like, you want a lot of pee- I see.
Casey:
Yeah, there’s no question that in a perfect world an automated system that can evaluate millions of pairs. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
. . .is going to do the best at pairing people up. If it was programmed by really good people, and we understood a lot more about human psychology and dah dah dah dah dah!
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? So obviously online dating is the right idea, at some point, many millennia in the future where people know how to program computers. Right NOW that is not true, right?
Jeff:
(laughing)
Casey:
But, like, that is obviously better than the alternative is right now, so whether or not currently you would be better served by it — who knows? — And I’m saying, maybe, because the current geek alternative is so bad, it actually already is better even like it is now. . .
Jeff:
I see!
Casey:
Here’s the thing that I think should happen, and I’ve mentioned this to you before, but we just don’t know how to make it happen: is, we need to go on an online date. But we need an online dating service that can put the two of us together with two people. . .
Jeff:
Then that would be completely disasters!
Casey:
. . .for our show. But this gotta be show.
Jeff:
Oh, for show.
Casey:
See what I’m saying?
Jeff:
I see. I see
Casey:
So it’s gotta be like a show . . .
Jeff:
So sit down and talk to each other the entire day . . .
Casey:
Right, so here’s my pitch . . .
Jeff:
. . .that’s terrible!
Casey:
I — No here’s my pitch: Here’s the pitch, right, cause this is the — person — I personally, I think this is perfect:
Jeff:
OK (laughing)
Casey:
Here’s the pitch, ready? The pitch is this is a reality show, right? Ad it’s called, like, doubles. Or something like this, right? Some shitty stupid name. And the idea is that instead of doing like the bachelor or what ever the fuck, where they pair people up. Like a guy and a girl getting together?
Jeff:
Uh- huh
Casey:
It’s like, pairs of guys and their best friend and girls and their best friend, who then have to go out together. Right?
Jeff:
(laughing) I see. . .
Casey:
Because it seems to me, like, since you don’t give a shit who ends up with who in the end, right? It’s all about the comedy. It seems like that’s going to be so much more fucking hysterical.
Jeff:
(laughing)
Casey:
To watch like four people at a dinner table. And the two are both friend pairs basically. It’s gonna be awesome!
Jeff:
I see. You want more insanity. (both talking)
Casey:
Because there’s so much awesome stuff that could happen. . .
Jeff:
There are four . . . there . . .
Casey:
There are so many possibilities.
Jeff:
I see. All right.
Casey:
There are so many more possibilities there than there are just for one on one, right?
Jeff:
oh, that sounds horrible. — Like, the opposite
Casey:
There’s a possibility that, like, you know, the two friends think the other two are just shitty, and so they just make it and they’re whipping on them the whole time. There’s the two people both like one of them at one time, but not the other, and they’re fighting over them, right? There’s the two — there’s all these different ways you could have the different things cross wire at that point, and it goes in both directions, right? So all of these possibilities could happen simultaneously.
Jeff:
No this is aw- no!
Casey:
It’s awesome!
Jeff:
No this is terrifying.
Casey:
Yes it is, oh, I love it.
Jeff:
No this is terrifying.
Casey:
So we need that (both talking at the same time)
Jeff:
. . .you can’t even handle those awful shows like cheaters and shit, that are on TV late at night. Like, those banana cakes where they like choose the . . .
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
. . .the nutzoid, peedball (??? 17:12)
Casey:
Yeah, I know I can’t handle them, but I’d make one.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Right? I don’t like listening to podcasts cause they’re arsine stupid, but I’ll record my own.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right, that’s the thing, right? Like, I am fine with making. It’s kind of like football. I won’t watch it, but I’ll play it.
Jeff:
I see. OK, that’s — you are . . .
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
. . .fine with that?
Casey:
yeah.
Jeff:
All right. OK, so that’s your reality TV pitch.
Casey:
Yes, I’m pitching this reality show.
Jeff:
Doubles.
Casey:
Doubles.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We need to pump up that name. Like, Double D’s or something like that.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
You know, something that, like, has some crazy secondary meaning. We’ll work on that.
Casey:
Friends on friends.
Jeff:
(laughing) Yeah OK, that might work.
Casey:
All right. OK.
Jeff:
(laughing)
Casey:
“This week on friends on friends. . .”
Jeff:
Yeah. I have — I was going to bitch about the best of iTV guys. They’re offering this thing now . . .
Casey:
Who are the best of iTV guys?
Jeff:
Uh, just — they’re retarded. I had to go there to get cable the other day, cause I took everything up. And they advertise this thing, if you buy a TV from them that they will install it for free. And they listed what you get with that installation.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
..and it’s delivery. . .
Casey:
Now fill me in on something here, because I don’t actually know. You’re the AV guy. Basically, between the two of us, you’re the manswer. Like . . .
Jeff:
(laughs)
Casey:
You’ve bought expensive cars, you have the AV set-ups, right, like, you watch sports, you like to go to, like, football games, you are an actual guy.
Jeff:
I tried to get you to go to a football game, but you wont do it. You’ll do, baseball, but you wont do football.
Casey:
But I wont, actually, do baseball. I’ll only do that, like, because my parents like to go to it.
Jeff:
Yeah, but you like baseball. You play baseball.
Casey:
Well, at least I know it. Like, if someone goes, like (stumbles across words) . . . I might be, like, OK
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Because, I — since I have so much baseball history, it’s like, I can relate to what’s going on. Football is like, I mean, I played touch football with my friends at recess in junior high school, right? That’s my experience with football.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Never bothered to go out for the football team in high school or anything like that. I only play baseball and so on, so I just don’t have the same kind of like, you know. . .
Jeff:
Thing for that.
Casey:
Feeling. Yeah. Like, I don’t have the same kind of like, uuh, intimacy with it.
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
Right, in so far as it as an activity.
Jeff:
All right, sure. So..
Casey:
So you’re the manswer.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So, tell me, what — even it means, like, my experience with cheat, like, I buy something, it’s on a stand, I put it home and I connect the cable to the back. Like, that . . .
Jeff:
That . . .
Casey:
. . .so installation I don’t even know what that means.
Jeff:
That’s exactly what my point was! Like, you know, hey! Pro tip to America! Installation of a TV means you plug the two cables in. There’s a power and there’s an HTMI. That’s it! That’s all there is now a days.
Casey:
So that’s what they’re talking about?
Jeff:
yeah! They’re just going to. . .
Casey:
But what about mounting it on you wall? Is it a
Jeff:
They — No, that’s not part of it!
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
No, noooo. That’s a whole ‘nother thing. That’s a whole ’nother ball of wax.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
No, that means they take it out of the box, they plug the two cables in. So. . .
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
America you can all set this up yourself!
Casey:
(talking at the same time) . . .um, uh, Paul’s boyfriend? They do all kinds of wiring. Like, they go to peoples’ homes and they like, (speaking at the same time) speakers and wires and like that kind of shit.
Jeff:
Oh yeah, right, right, sure. . .
Casey:
So that’s what I thought . . .
Jeff:
No!
Casey:
. . .maybe was involved here. Was like, some extensive. . .
Jeff:
No! In fact, if you do that, you call magnolio or definity or one of these guys . . .
Casey:
OK, and then they do
Jeff:
. . . then they do the action.
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
Yeah (both speaking)
Casey:
So buy.com is not . . .
Jeff:
No!!
Casey:
that doesn’t come free.
Jeff:
No! No, this would be like, trying to buy some like, internet service from North West Hard drive, or something . . .
Casey:
(laughing)
Jeff:
Like, you know, just some crazy. . .
Casey:
OK
Jeff:
. . . little local guy. So no. They also charge $ 129 for a PS3 installation.
Casey:
What??
Jeff:
PS3 installation. $129. they will come out, and they will set up your PS3.
Casey:
Woow. . .
Jeff:
Now, the PS3 is the easiest — it’s like, HTMI cable — power.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe you plug the internet cable in. But that’s it! Like, the x-box is a little bit more complicated.
Casey:
Well, also, it has wireless built in, so you don’t actually even need . . .
Jeff:
You don’t even need that.
Casey:
. . .right? Now it’s possible that you can’t figure out how to set up a wireless connector. Like, maybe you need somebody to do that for you. I don’t think that worth $129, but . . .
Jeff:
I made the mistake of, like — so we have — we now have fiber in our condo-building . . .
Casey:
Just —
Jeff:
Which is awesome!
Casey:
So just to be clear, because, Jeff, most of the people in Jeff’s condo are well over 60 years old, so when he says “we now have fiber”, he doesn’t mean that like a cereal.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Or something. He . . .
Jeff:
I have fiber. . .
Casey:
He means actual fiber optic.
Jeff:
Yes. Oh right. Oh I see. Yeah, that could go both ways. I probably should have said that in the email where I announced it to everybody where I said “by the way, fiver means internet access.”
Casey:
Yeah, no —
Jeff:
“It doesn’t mean bran.”
Casey:
I’m totally fucking serious. . .
Jeff:
“There’s not bran in the basement”
Casey:
. . .there is probably a bunch of 90 year old ladies who are like, sitting around, wondering when they are going to get their, like, breakfast muffins or what ever the fuck —
Jeff:
Yeah, right. They . . .
Casey:
(speaks in a squeaky voice) “That Geoffrey he told us we were gonna have fibre and we haven’t seen any fibre at all, I ain’t shit for a week!”
Jeff:
They’re not . . . Stop it!
Casey:
You know?
Jeff:
I offered, like, I was like “Oh hey, if anybody needs any help just let me know”
Casey:
What — The — FUCK??
Jeff:
terrible idea, yeah
Casey:
Is wrong with you??
Jeff:
I had to help one of my neighbours who. . .
Casey:
Why did you say that?
Jeff:
. . .is a super sweet lady. . .
Casey:
But why would you EVER say that?
Jeff:
. . .she is . . . Uh, we have a 93 year old, she’s not that old, but she’s in her eighties.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
And let me just say — it doesn’t take long, because, you plug in, you make sure that they’re on obtain, you know, DHCB and all that.
Casey:
Right, yeah yeah.
Jeff:
But her computer . . . had. . .
Casey:
You’re right. It’s like a CRTE
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a CRTE, it has . . .
Casey:
. . .Malware, every virus known to man. . .
Jeff:
. . .five thousand viruses. . .
Casey:
yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
It was: *click* krgkrgkrgkrgkrg. . .
Casey:
yeah.
Jeff:
It was crazy! And I made a — I think I killed 80 % of them. And I was like “you know what, I’m only going to spend 15 minutes on this” so I downloaded MalwareBite, and the really hard core ones detect that shit and hide.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know the root kit (?? 23:00) ones? But it killed like, 46 malware. . .
Casey:
Wow!
Jeff:
And I — There’s still just mad stuff running on her computer. Uhm. And, I mean, she’s 80, she’s not going to BitTorrent.
Casey:
No, she’s not.
Jeff:
She’s not, like, you know, my dad got a virus lately, but he’s Captain Crazy BitTorrent Stuff (??) — So he . . .
Casey:
You don’t know though, maybe there’s like, a shit ton of pirate Gilmore Girls on there or something . . .
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
. . .like, you have no idea what she’s got.
Jeff:
No, not Gilmore Girls, Golden Girls.
Casey:
No, I tried to make it modern. Like a modern (?? 23: 31) thing that she was into?
Jeff:
Oh OK. Well, wouldn’t that be like Desperate Housewives? What would —
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t — people don’t . . .
Casey:
Well . . .
Jeff:
People don’t market to old people.
Casey:
No. but this is my point.
Jeff:
Like CBS used to be like, Golden Girls. . .
Casey:
This is my point, Golden Girls is not going to be a Bit Torrent remote, because nobody who fucking uses a Bit Torrent server is going to be able to fucking stand Golden Girls for more than a minute.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So, although, you know. . .
Jeff:
“Oh! Estelle!”
Casey:
It’s interesting that you say that, because Desperate Housewives was written by the guy from Golden Girls.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Yeah. Mark Sherry and -um- Mitch Hurritz, the Arrested Development guy, both of them were Golden Girls writers.
Jeff:
No way, really?
Casey:
Yeah!
Jeff:
That is bizarre. Because that is not a good show.
Casey:
Like, so . . .
Jeff:
That is NOT a good show.
Casey:
Well, I’m just saying that two of the like, you know, I guess you would say best television series — Arrested Development is the one that people like me absolutely adore, right? That’s my favourite TV show. And Desperate Housewives was like the soap opera kind of show of this past decade, you know? I mean, it’s like — and they were both Golden Girls writers.
Jeff:
Oh my god!
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
Fucking Golden Girls
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway. . .
Casey:
Yeah, sorry. Moving on . . . I don’t know . . .
Jeff:
I got her . . .
Casey:
.. the dp was of Golden Girls, you know.
Jeff:
I got her up and mostly running, but I might have more where that came from. That’s the downside.
Casey:
Yeah. On the plus side you are really getting gracious yourself with all the grannies at your condo complex, and who can put a price on that?
Jeff:
Yeah everybody loves me
Casey:
yeah they were like “ooh, Jeffy”
Jeff:
Well, what’s funny is, you know, I’ve said this before, that place is hopping at six am. Like . . .
Casey:
(laughing)
Jeff:
That’s when the whole building’s up.
Casey:
It’s comes alive.
Jeff:
It does! They’re just like “oh hey” they get out there and they chat. And the thing is, I get home usually at around six, so I’m like . . .
Casey:
(laughing)
Jeff:
you know, have a beard, I’m just hammered and tired, and they go like “heey!” and then you have to be like “oh, hey!!!”
Casey:
“Hellooo ladies!” Now you said, and this was, should have, I mean I’m assuming was just absolutely tantalizing for someone like you who’s all about the 30 + women.
Jeff:
I’m going to have to put an upper bound on the 30 +
Casey:
You failed to do that when on the show, now you’re living with it
Jeff:
Yes. 30 — 45 works for me.
Casey:
Now, so here’s the thing — yeah — well lets all just stop and remind ourselves that even though you said that 30+ was no upper bound, you still failed to get anyone to write in
Jeff:
no, nobody wrote in.
Casey:
Nobody wrote in.
Jeff:
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Casey:
So it doesn’t matter. Way to make Jeff feel wanted. Anyway . You had something which I think would certainly be exciting to you.
Jeff:
I did!
Casey:
it was ladies night
Jeff:
Yeah there was ladies night — at the condo
Casey:
So this is a bunch of 80 + year old women
Jeff:
I — yeah, we want to . . .
Casey:
Basically. . .
Jeff:
They, they . . . Well, it’s a whole spectrum of the — as — (laughing) OK I don’t want to say this but just due to -um- life goes on, it’s skewing younger and younger, so now it’s probably . . .
Casey:
Oh gosh! OK.
Jeff:
There — yeah, I mean.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
I think most apartment or condo buildings like, having someone croak is really unusual.
Casey:
But here it’s a daily occurrence — OK
Jeff:
I’ve been there for three years, and there’s been six that I know of.
Casey:
Oh! Man!
Jeff:
So -yeah- so but usually what happens is their grand kids move in.
Casey:
And then somebody — right — a lion holds up a tiger cub on the top of a rock and the circle of life continues?
Jeff:
Right, continues. Exactly. And then Elton John plays.
Casey:
Is that sad?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s not sad, it’s nature.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Uhm. . .
Casey:
So who smells the stink in the hallway and like, goes to find the dead body? Like . . .
Jeff:
No! Stop it! No.
Casey:
No, I meant — I actually legitimately ask this question, because how do you know the person is dead?
Jeff:
Well, usually they’re a couple. And like . . .
Casey:
OK, so there’s a guy and a girl.
Jeff:
. . . we have a couple of people that are quite elderly that are living by themselves, but usually when they’re — once they’re by themselves their kids convince them to “come move with us!” or “move into an assisted care. . .”
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
or what ever. So . . .
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Anyway, we’re pretty — we’ve skewed back the other way, so now I think we have three or four people. But they’re up in the morning.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like reading their papers, drinking coffee.
Casey:
Getting baconed up. You know, baconed up . . .
Jeff:
Sometimes the Greek couple — we have a lot of — people speak — we have a lot of languages in our building.
Casey:
Oh OK. That’s multicultural.
Jeff:
We have Greek, the lady that I accidental exposed myself to is Russian . . .
Casey:
Oh. OH! So you . . . were . . . somebody that you would be particularly excited about too. I remember on our podcast. . .
Jeff:
Oh, no!
Casey:
Quite some time ago, you said that Russian . . .
Jeff:
No!
Casey:
. . . girls — You were all about the Russian girls.
Jeff:
She is probably 85. I’ve been counting on the fact that her eyesight was poor and she didn’t really realise. . . Uh. That was Charlie’s fault. He ran out on the deck and I had to go chase him out there and I wasn’t really thinking. I had my skins on . . .
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Hey, uh, can I ask a question about that? What is the Russian — I think we talked about this briefly on that podcast in particular — What are the Russian girl traits that you find attractive, because I don’t have a good picture in my head of what a Russian girl looks like.
Jeff:
Well. . .
Casey:
I don’t actually know any Russian women.
Jeff:
Uh, well . . .
Casey:
To be honest.
Jeff:
Well, I think they’re — I don’t know. I think the things are usually — and it’s not just me — but Russian women are the eyes.
Casey:
Which are what?
Jeff:
Blue — crazy blue eyes, usually.
Casey:
Blue. OK
Jeff:
Um. They’re usually quite, like, they have kind of the heroin chique without the heroin. In some cases with the heroin, but then . . .
Casey:
Heroin chique? Like gaunt cheekbones?
Jeff:
Well, they’re very, yeah. Thin, high cheekbones and then the accent, I think is what ..
Casey:
Oh the — oh. The accent.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. Little cold war action?
Jeff:
(laughing) I give up my secrets.
Casey:
I see. OK. I see.
Jeff:
But, yeah. I think that’s . . .
Casey:
No, you would. That’s the thing — that’s the part that’s always a little bit weird in those spy movies, to me. And maybe — again- this may just be my fucked up brain.
Jeff:
OK, OK.
Casey:
And I admit that, but it’s like, if I have some woman trying to romance of secrets out of me, I’m going to try and hold on to those secrets as long as possible, right?
Jeff:
Oh, I see!
Casey:
Like, I’m going to draw that shit out for a long ass time! You want the opposite. Like, you want someone that I’m trying to get rid of. Like, “give me the secrets and I’ll stop bothering you” is going to be way more effective than someone romancing me. Because I’m going to be, like, “Oh, sweet. We’re gonna leek this secret out one fucking letter at a time over . . .
Jeff:
You want — you want —
Casey:
“. . .like six months” at that time, right?
Jeff:
I see. You want like the two witches that would follow bugs bunny around and were in love with him? Those two?
Casey:
Uh.
Jeff:
Remember the two-headed witch?
Casey:
I’ve never really seen enough of the . . .
Jeff:
You didn’t watch a lot of Loony Toons, did you. . .
Casey:
No, no. . .
Jeff:
(both talking) Anyway . . .
Casey:
But you see what I’m saying, right?
Jeff:
OK, in Roger Rabbit, you know the girl that’s like “a man!”
Casey:
Yes“ That’s the person you want to get the secrets out of me, cause I don’t even know . . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Just take the fucking secrets and leave me the fuck alone!”
Jeff:
“Here are my secrets!”
Casey:
“How did you get in my bed” right? She’s just there, right?
Jeff:
“How did you get in here?”
Casey:
“How did you get in here?” “I just came to say hello!” you know. That’s like Both: “Take the secrets, take the secrets!”
Casey:
“They’re in the closet, OK? take the briefcase, call me for the code. I don’t even know”
Jeff:
“I’m locking myself in the bathroom”
Casey:
Yeah exactly. That’s what would actually happen, whereas if she’s all seductive and romantic, I’d be like, “Oh, I don’t knoow where the secrets are. Maybe we . . .
Jeff:
but don’t you . . .
Casey:
. . .will have to go look in the kitchen . . .“
Jeff:
But don’t you. . .
Casey:
And it’s like “Come on people, think about it!”
Jeff:
But I think they want a long term thing. If they just wanted A secret, they’d just use the man eater, the crazy lady.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Well, if they just want a particular secret, like, Casey knows the combination.
Casey:
Yeah. Right (sighs)
Jeff:
They’d send the annoying girl. If they want to bleed you dry over 20 years you use the seductive girl, because then they can hit you up again and again and again. Whenever you’re chosen for it, you’d be like, “what secrets do you have?” Like you go to some building . . .
Casey:
Eeeerh!!
Jeff:
And like the level of secret turns into . . .
Casey:
Eerh! Eh!
Jeff:
. . . the level of seductress you get . . .
Casey:
Yeah. I don’t know! I just . . .
Jeff:
It’s like . . .
Casey:
I’m just saying! I’m just saying.
Jeff:
“I want to upgrade to Ingrid.” “You’re not cleared for Ingrid.”
Casey:
(laughs)
Jeff:
“Ingrid is level 5 and higher. You’re level 3.”
Casey:
(laughing)
Jeff:
How did we get on this?! I don’t even know!
Casey:
I wanted to know with the Russian uh . . .
Jeff:
Oh right!
Casey:
I wanted to know what the Russian trades were.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 20
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