Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Your Racist Baby
"Racism is temporally symmetric."
Original air date: September 14th, 2009
Topics. Twitter. NutureShock. Racism. Babies. Newsweek. Science. Science fairs. School newspapers.
Subscribe. If you’d like to have the latest episode of The Jeff and Casey Show delivered fresh to your computer every Monday, you can check out our list of RSS feeds and other subscription options here.
Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
Recording on a Friday night, unusually. We usually record on the weekend, we usually record on a weekday so it’s kind of, this is kind of like a special. Remember the CBS when we have the special presentation where we go dun, to dun dun dun. And the words rotate around.
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
That’s what it is, it’s a special Jeff and Casey show coming to you today.
Casey:
I don’t think those were special because of when they were recorded, I think they were special because of when they were aired. But, hey, you know what?
Jeff:
We can here at the Jeff and Casey show to keep people excited.
Casey:
Since we never have a specific time when we post the show..
Jeff:
That’s right..
Casey:
There’s no way for us to have a special presentation..
Jeff:
Exactly. We mix it up for you, for you all.
Casey:
Plus, I don’t think anyone looks to us for late breaking news per se.
Jeff:
They should, because you know, what Casey?
Casey:
Hurricanes in Iraq.
Jeff:
Yes!
Casey:
Wait, no I mixed two things up.
Jeff:
Your baby is racist. That kind of thing.
Casey:
That’s the thing we should tell people that we were shopping earlier today and we still haven’t gotten the hang of the Twitter picture thing, we’re trying, we posted some pictures, we should have posted a picture of this because we were in the checkout line.
Jeff:
That’s the thing, someone said, “Hey your Twitter Feed is boring because it just posts..”
Casey:
Paula, Paula said that.
Jeff:
Said, “Hey, all you post is when the shows are available.” Like the 2 hours a week we devote to the podcast was not sufficient for your entertainment.
Casey:
For her, her free entertainment.
Jeff:
Right, so we decided to go nuts on Twitter.
Casey:
Are we just clowns to Paula? Are we just a court jester? Is this a big game?
Jeff:
exactly. Are we just a monkey playing an organ?
Casey:
We’re just here to amuse you.
Jeff:
The answer is yes.
Casey:
Apparently the answer is yes, apparently the answer is, “No, we’re two monkeys playing an organ apparently.”
Jeff:
that’s true.
Casey:
But the point is that we..
Jeff:
I like organ playing monkeys by the way, I approve.
Casey:
I’m sure you do. I’m sure you have a YouTube video of a monkey playing an organ, and you’re like, “he’s so cute.”
Jeff:
yeah, he’s awesome.
Casey:
The point is ,she asked for more activity on the twitter feed, we delivered, but perhaps we over delivered and now our twitter feed is full of crap.
Jeff:
After two days she said..
Casey:
She said please stop. She said, “Stop posting to the Twitter Feed.”
Jeff:
But we’re not going to. We’re putting crazy stuff on twitter feed so sign up.
Casey:
Now we start trying to post pictures of where we are onto the twitter feed as well.
Jeff:
So you’ll have some Jeff and Casey time.
Casey:
. . . sort of two harken forward to the animated series which will hopefully be coming out “soon.” So we took a picture a the Thai restraint when we ate dinner, but when we were shopping for snacks just a moment ago, we neglected to take a photo of the best thing we saw which was the cover of Newsweek magazine which had a giant baby’s face on it.
Jeff:
Yeah, just a cute baby and you’re like, “Aww look at that cute baby.”
Casey:
Baby face, cute baby smile, and with just the words “Is your baby racist?” across the top. That’s all it said. Is your baby racist.
Jeff:
Let me save you the cost of Newsweek, it is. Your baby is racist.
Casey:
The answer is yes.
Jeff:
Your baby is a little Hitler.
Casey:
Your baby is fucking racist from the day it is born.
Jeff:
No, even before. I think on some sonograms, I see little baby Hail..
Casey:
Yeah, Hail Hitler, I see. He’s got a hood on.
Jeff:
They have a little hood down there and they are racist babies. They are.
Casey:
now, this Newsweek article is like everything in Newsweek is just an ad for something else. In this case it was an ad for someone’s book. It claims that they have done research on children and whether or not they are racist, and they go on to describe this “research” which involved like asking 10 5 year olds if they thougt black people were mean and saw how many times they answer is yes.
Jeff:
Right. This research took place over, this is no exaggeration, this is not me making fun of the science, one week.
Casey:
No, it was 3 weeks. It was a different test each week.
Jeff:
Right, he did a different test each week.
Casey:
Right, it was she. You have all these facts wrong.
Jeff:
The awesome thing about this is I remember a science fair project in high school taking more than three weeks.
Casey:
You wouldn’t have gotten an F.
Jeff:
I can kind of imagine, that’s the kind of the things you’d see. That is a science fair level. Is your baby racist in like glitter, glued down glitter letters ,and she’d be sitting there and having 80s hair. That’s what it was. She’s grown up, and she’s done a junior high school science project for a career.
Casey:
I’m not surprised because Newsweek is the people who wrote your high school paper.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
It’s a shitty high school quality “news” publication publishing “Science” done by people who never got past 8th grade science fair science. It all works out in the end. They went from high school to profession without making transitions. It is impressive. Anyway, the answer if your baby is racist, we have some listeners, Josh White for example, give me a shootout there, Matt Cornell. People have babies. We have listeners who have babies. . .
Jeff:
Matt just had a racist baby.
Casey:
Matt just had a baby, I hate to break it to you, but Matt and Muriel, your baby is racist. It turns out Newsweek says your baby is racist and if there’s one thing I think is universally true, it’s that I have never seen anything on the cover of Newsweek that has never been true. Pretty much it’s like Dewey defeats Truman, Newsweek is the golden headline, they make the golden headline. So your baby is racist, I hate to break it to you.
Jeff:
Yeah, so if you put like a black lady’s breast up to a white baby, it wouldn’t’ want any bit of that. it’s like, “No, I’m sorry. I am putting my little tiny foot down.”
Casey:
It’s like separate, but equal. I’m not sucking ,this is not cross cultural breast sucking. This is not how it works. It’s not fair to anybody. So racist babies, you all have them, so the question they are trying to address in this Newsweek thing, other than they were shelling a book, they were shelling a book. The book’s name was Nurture Shock. Which sounds like a porn DVD title or something, or some really bad child’s play three, you know.
Jeff:
It sounds to me like a candid camera thing where the guy hooks up with what he thinks is a stripper, and he’s like oh my god I’m with the hottest girl I’ve ever been with, he gets right to the point, and then they electrify the genitals in some way. So you’re about to be nurtured, and then your shocked.
Casey:
What? Where’d you get that. where’s the nurture? That’s not nurture that’s sex.
Jeff:
You’re nurturing your humanity, that’s what sex is, right?
Casey:
Hold on a second, just pause for a second. if anyone was wondering prior to this whether you had a medical complex, the fact that they just conflated nurturing with sex should fucking clear it up. What the hell?
Jeff:
No, I didn’t say nursing shock. It’s not nursing shock. It’s nurturing.
Casey:
SEX IS NOT NURTURING? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Jeff:
You’re killing me.
Casey:
How is sex nurturing?
Jeff:
It’s making you more human.
Casey:
Okay, wait a second. Let me ask you a question. In your mind does the phrase nurture involve a bidirectional activity? Does a mother and child nurture each other?
Jeff:
Yes. Sure.
Casey:
Wow, okay. Yeah, you’re all fucked up.
Jeff:
You’re killing me. This isn’t even what we’re supposed to be talking about.
Casey:
it doesn’t matter. This is very interesting, I love this, this is fabulous.
Jeff:
Don’t you think.. you don’t think that. . .
Casey:
So if we’re having sex.. me and someone else are having sex..
Jeff:
Not mea and you, you and somebody else.
Casey:
I’m never having sex with you after that comment. I’m going to tell you that now, your chances with me are blown, alright?
Jeff:
God Damnit. . .
Casey:
as far as I’m concerned, you and your electrified genitals or whatever the random shit you said before that, I don’t want any part of this, okay? You’re freaking me out.
Jeff:
that is not the way it should go.
Casey:
We’ve already talked about how I’m not sexually adventurous. So frankly you and your mother fetish.. whatever the fuck is happening here. . . and your 30+, and everything else is freaking me out alright? I’m freaked out over here, we need a bigger table next time.
Jeff:
40+
Casey:
Yeah ,exactly.
Jeff:
Alright ,this isn’t what we want to talk about.
Casey:
I can tell you what the problem was right now, besides the fact you have these crazy sex opinions, is you didn’t start the mega timer. You don’t have the mega timer, and that just means we’ll have to wrap this up and make it a separate segment, we don’t know what time it is, we don’t know what’s going on.
Jeff:
Hey everybody, racist babies.
Casey:
Anything else you want to say about racist babies that doesn’t involve some kind of fucked ups ex fantasy, then we should get that out right now.
Jeff:
Nope, that covers it. I’ll just wrap it up by saying your baby is racist and it’s all your fault.
Casey:
It is all your fault.
Jeff:
Because mother’s don’t have enough to worry about in this day and age, it’s like, “Now my baby is racist.”
Casey:
Or if my baby is racist enough? What if my baby is not racist? Does that mean it’s not normal?
Jeff:
I was looking at my baby but it was sleeping in the crib but it arranged the blanket over its head like thing and I think it’s a racist baby.
Casey:
Yeah, Klan babies.
Jeff:
that sounds like Muppet babies and Flintstones babies, and they make the cute versions. It’s like the Klan babies, “Come on down. Bing Bang, it’s Klan babies.”
Casey:
there’s maybe like two or three white babies who are sitting around in the crib looking at the one white baby that did go for the black breast, and they are like oh man that’s fucked up. Furthermore it’d be like. . .
Jeff:
They are holding little baby bottles on the baby porch.
Casey:
Then you have the black babies who are looking at the white breast, and they are like Uncle Tom. That’s an uncle tom breast feeding that’s going on right there. That’s bullshit. We are not supporting that.
Jeff:
Alright, since this was not supposed to be what we’re talking about, let’s make this a really short segment and we’ll post both.
Casey:
Why do you always love to post both? That’s your thing.
Jeff:
Well, this wasn’t what we were going to talk about.
Casey:
Why does that matter?
Jeff:
It’s a racist baby. We didn’t provide any information with racist baby.
Casey:
does racist babies make you nervous? Are you afraid that us calling babies racist is itself not politically correct?
Jeff:
I don’t care about that at all. If there was a whole, say there was . . .
Casey:
Do you think I was a racist baby or became racist when I got older?
Jeff:
No, we’re all racist babies. We’re grown up racist babies.
Casey:
So you think I’ve always been racist, it’s fine.
Jeff:
everyone is a racist baby.
Casey:
They didn’t do this study back then, for all we know, babies got racister. Like, maybe you and I were born not racist and became racist and now..
Jeff:
Do you think the moms are like listening to hip hop or something and the babies are turning on this. They are like, “I don’t want to listen to that, I don’t like this.”
Casey:
Well if the election of Barrack Obama proves anything..
Jeff:
What is the deal with that by the way? We were talking about this at Dinner. Everybody when they have an opinion, they’re like, it doesn’t’ matter what you want to do, if the election of Barrack Obama proves anything. . . that clause. . . if the election of Barrack Obama proves anything, it’s that your baby is a racist. They will put whatever. That’s enough. That proves their point. It’s like QED. If they are the first one.. if you’re an argument with somebody, you have to be first with the Barrack Obama.. It’s like the God win the Law thing, when you use Hitler and the argument is over, you win the argument.
Casey:
You want God on your side, you want to be like Obama was on my team, whatever that team is.
Jeff:
That’s what you’re saying. Normally you bring up Hitler, and the argument is over, and you can’t have any more useful discourse.
Casey:
If Obama comes up, you win.
Jeff:
It’s also over, but you won.
Casey:
I’ll remember that next time we’re in an argument.
Jeff:
it’s not bad..
Casey:
If the fact that he got elected shows us anything.. it’s that you have medical complex.
Jeff:
GOD DAMNIT. NO. It doesn’t prove that at all.
Casey:
Here’s another thing, just on the topic of racism, I want to bring this up.
Jeff:
We cover these topics in sensitivity here.
Casey:
Everything we say is so sensitive. We’re very careful not to offend anyone except racist babies. But they can’t say anything about us. Here’s the first thing is, if more racist babies would listen to our show, maybe I’d be a little more sympathetic. They categorically do not listen to the Jeff and Casey show. So I have no sympathy. I have not seen a single racist baby on our friends list, none of our stats are coming from Racist Baby.com. there’s no indication of that. So, here’s what i wanted to mention about racism. As far as I can tell, racism, I don’t really understand why people single out racism in particular as this weird thing they believe is cultural or societal because it doesn’t make any sense to me. As far as I can tell, humans just always extrapolate from whatever small amount of anything they can put their finger on at any time. So if someone once told them that some negative racist stereotype, and that’s the only experience they had with it, that’s what they believe. That’s just categorically true of anything. It doesn’t have to be racism. If someone, one time, went to some band concert and it was bad, they will assume that band sucks. If they ordered one thing off the menu, this restaurant sucks, it’s bad. If they onetime got in an accident because they were doing something, they will say never do that while you’re driving. That’s how they work. They take any small bit of information that they have that is not at all statistically relevant and they just associate things that aren’t associable with that thing.
Jeff:
I think racism is a different thing that comes from the fact that it’s not racism, it’s like any group of people, as soon as you identify with that group of people, more than you identify than with your own self, like you subject. . . you reduce yourself to less than the group itself, it doesn’t matter if that’s a race or a sports team fan, or if it’s anything else. We’re programmed to believe in the group, right?
Casey:
There’s two different things though, there’s pro group. There’s white people are better than everyone else, that’s one form of racism. There’s another when which is like I think all people from Samoa are lazy. That’s not pro your group, that’s anti another group.
Jeff:
You don’t think that’s the same thing?
Casey:
I think they are two separate mental evolutionary traits which our desire to associate with a group so that group remains alive. Like tribal cohesion basically. And the desire to assume that another tribe needs to be eliminated or is worse because that allows you to fight for resources with them, more effectively. Right? I think they are two separate evolutionary things going on in your head at that point ,right? There’s like. I want my tribe to win, and I want another tribe to lose are separate even though they both have the same sorts of effects, like they are both designed to make your tribe be the one that lasts. Which is why everyone is racist, because everyone who is like we can just get along, they got speared.
Jeff:
They were the first to go. People got hungry, we ate the non-racist babies, all the non-racist babies were eaten, and all we have left now millions of years later is racist babies. We should’ve eaten the racist babies in retrospect.
Casey:
You’re looking at this the wrong way. What we’re trying to say is if it weren’t for racist babies, none of us would’ve been here. It would’ve been a world filled with really nice people.
Jeff:
So you’re pro racist baby.
Casey:
I’m saying that if your still alive today, you better be pro racist. It’s the only reason you’re here. Everything about you, your whole genetics, nothing like you would exist today if it weren’t for racist babies. It’d be something else entirely.
Jeff:
We needed that all along.
Casey:
We, meaning yeah.
Jeff:
Humanity needed racist babies.
Casey:
The humanity that exists today would not have existed without racist babies. Sorry? Right? So you better think your little racist baby stars that we’ve got racist babies, or there would be a whole different humanity today.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s awesome. Thank you racist baby, right?
Casey:
Thanks racist baby, you’re the best. We’re never airing this podcast we are the racistest of babies.
Jeff:
We are, but everybody. I think that’s okay.
Casey:
How do we manage in one show to be pro racism and anti-baby at once.
Jeff:
That’s bring it.
Casey:
That’s amazing. Rush Limbaugh can’t even do that shit.
Jeff:
Here’s the thing though, like. . .
Casey:
Although he probably has actually done that.
Jeff:
I’m sure, like, we all have racism in it. You can feel it in yourself sometimes, it’s just whether you like act upon it stupidly. There is the thing where you’re like, when you feel like you’re not part of the group and you start feeling anxious. You start having awful feelings and the people who are evolved stop. They go, no I’m being silly, this is an irrational emotional part of my being that’s been there forever. And the racist, or what we consider racists are people who act upon that stupidity.
Casey:
You’re talking about babies right now?
Jeff:
I’m talking about humans.
Casey:
You’re talking about when you’re 6 months old or whatever and you’d go into an Asian restaurant and you’re the only white baby in there. That’s what you’re talking about right and everyone is looking at you?
Jeff:
there’s all these Asian babies and you feel nervous. These Asian babies are going to turn on me.
Casey:
Right. Because you’re sitting there, and eating some barbeque, minced barbeque.
Jeff:
Well, you just want some milk and everybody else is serving soy milk or something like that, and you’re like, “I don’t want that. I’m uncomfortable.”
Casey:
I see what you’re saying. Because then you’re like as a baby, you don’t know if you’re supposed to pay at the table or counter because all the previous times you tried to get milk they came to you with the check. Now you’re all confused and you feel out of place.
Jeff:
You don’t know what’s going on.
Casey:
This is what you’re talking about?
Jeff:
You have that innate racism in the baby, but it’s when you can’t control that reptile part of your baby brain and you act out and you start saying racist Chinese jokes, racist baby Chinese jokes, that you can’t control your shit and you can’t lock it down and you end up as a full blown racist baby. You out yourself as a racist baby. We’re all racist in the closet and then some people just let it out. They just let that flag fly, that racist baby flag fly. Does that make sense?
Casey:
It does make sense. I guess what I would say then if I had to summarize this podcast, and god knows somebody has to.
Jeff:
We need to start having, we are going to do this, we are going to have the moral of the podcast. This will be the first one.
Casey:
Okay, so I guess the moral of the podcast if I had to say here, Casey’s moral of the podcast is that everyone is racist when they are born, you suppress it your mid years, and then you just give up and you’re racist again when you’re old. That’s the moral of the podcast.
Jeff:
Because when you’re old, it’s okay. People are like, “Oh, he’s old, it’s okay.”
Casey:
I don’t know why. Thanks to Newsweek we now know that we started racist, thanks to every interaction you ever had with old people you know that they are racist, now we know that in the middle some people control their racism.
Jeff:
Get a handle on their shit and stop being a fucking idiot. So the curious case of Benjamin Button, he’s still racist on both ends.
Casey:
It’s symmetric. Racism is the symmetric is the moral for today’s podcast. Racism is temporally Symmetric.
Jeff:
I like that. you can email us at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Casey:
You can catch up with us on Twitter.com/jeffandcasey
Jeff:
And Facebook, we have a Facebook page we paste this there. This week we’ve been on the twitter thing, so come by twitter.com/jeffandcasey. . . you didn’t put the show on that one.
Casey:
I couldn’t because twitter limits user names to a small number of characters.
Jeff:
Oh my god we need to have a like a two hour podcast about..
Casey:
Twitter is a piece of shit.
Jeff:
Hey, it’s our service of limitations, welcome to Twitter. Oh, you can only check up on your shit 150 times a minute.
Casey:
Definitely, we’ll do this show on twitter soon, that’s got to happen.
Jeff:
Thanks everybody.
Casey:
Happy wonderful racist week, babies and old people alike, I don’t know what race you don’t like, or what race you love, but just get out there and make it a racist week with the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
See you next week, thanks.
Site design and technology © Copyright 2005-2014 by Molly Rocket, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
Contents are assumed to be copyright by their individual authors.
Do not duplicate without their express permission.
casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 16
prev
next
mollyrocket.com