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No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
A Little Taste of Independence
"That's not a standard, that's a criteria!"
Original air date: August 23rd, 2009
Topics. American Beauty. Lolita. Long sippers. 30-plus. Disabled. Standards vs. criteria. Fatties. Room to grow. La-Z-Boy. True Blood.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody, welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Jeff:
So Casey, we got a gift from john Radcliffe, and what they are is it’s the hummingbird sipper.
Casey:
It’s great getting gifts. We got those t-shirts, everyone loves those t-shirts. When you wear the t-shirt that says No Good on it. People always say, “Oh, no good.” People wear t-shirts with stuff on them all the time and I don’t know what it is.
Jeff:
I told you before there is a bad boy thing going on there. . . I do. . . I can wear any shirt with crazy shirt on it. No good. Works. So, john got us something that we referred to on a podcast long ago in the first season
Casey:
Very, very long ago
Jeff:
Why can’t you get a super long straw so when you’re in the car the straw goes up to your mouth.
Casey:
Right, because i was imagining, people like you who love the slurpies. You stop at the 7/11 and you put the Slurpee in the car holder near the gearshift. Then you have to keep bringing it up to your mouth. I’m thinking, Jeff would love the straw that goes down so he doesn’t’ have to do that.
Jeff:
This is called the hummingbird sipper, and it says super long drinking straws.
Casey:
That’s what we wanted.
Jeff:
SO it’s literally what you wanted and it’s made of plastic that is bendy plastic, but underneath it says hands free drinking for people it limited movement. So do they mean somebody that has a disability?
Casey:
Presumably.
Jeff:
They don’t mean fat people? Limited people I assume it’s someone on the couch that never moves. Super hummingbird.
Casey:
Here’s the thing, the type of equipment. . .
Jeff:
IT must be because on the bottom it says here, it says, “A little taste of independence.” So if I had multiple sclerosis or ALS or something, and I’m trapped in a wheel chair, the first thing that comes to me is the length of the straw. Listen, the ADA specifically covers that facilities shall be made available for people with limitations and this straw saves the day. So, we’re going to take a picture of this and put up on the website because it is useful. It’s really hard to use. I use this on my energy drink, my rock star, you have to seriously suck because it’s so long that the weight. . .
Casey:
This is like everything else, when you go blind your hearing improves. When you have atrophy, your mouth sucking muscles improve.
Jeff:
Holy shit, people in a wheelchair can give a mean blowjob.
Casey:
There you go Jeff, that’s what I was going for. Low cap for the Auto blow, they only get paraplegics. That’s the only people they will do because they know how to do it, I can’t believe you just said that. that said, a little sip of freedom, or whatever that says at the bottom, it sounds like some kind of Thomas Jefferson there that’s like, “Delicious. Well, to address the question, you asked and moved along before answering. You asked if this was for people with a disability or just fatties. That was what it was if I had to paraphrase. Are you talking about the people who want you to donate $8.15 or the people who can’t get off their. . .
Jeff:
Buy a soda for $18.50.
Casey:
Exactly. I was going to say that in my limited experience, at least just seeing people around ,the types of equipment used by the disabled people and fat people don’t tend to be that different.
Jeff:
That’s true. You’re right. It’s like your older brother, you get hand-me-downs. The wheel chairs start for people who have disabilities, and the technology goes down to just fat people.
Casey:
Sort of. I was thinking how Chrysler will introduce the same care but one is $20,000 and branded as the dodge intrepid, and the other one is some fancier version that’s $40,000 with different names. Or Audi versus Volkswagen. Same body, different markets.
Jeff:
So you come out, you have a wheel chair..
Casey:
Right, two separate ad campaigns, two different branding strategies. One is the mobility plus for people who can’t walk. And one is like fat carriage for people who don’t want to fucking walk.
Jeff:
The interesting thing is, which would be the upscale. A fat person will spend almost any amount of money for their own comfort, and yet the disabled people have good insurance, right? Wheelchairs and stuff cost a freaking fortune, they are like a car. So you have this interesting thing going on where you go maybe it’s like a Honda Acura thing where they both have kind of an upscale version so you can get the money from there.
Casey:
I think my analogy to cars was more because I couldn’t think of anything off hand that actually more correctly fit it. I wasn’t trying to do upscale, I was trying to do more. . . I was thinking more of a..
Jeff:
Mercury and Ford where they have the same car..
Casey:
Yes, a slightly different set. So the person who is disabled is concerned about getting around and being able to control it because they use too much muscle because they can’t, whereas a fat person is like does it have a cup holder. Cup holder is feature number one.
Jeff:
Will it fit down the isle of the local supermarket. That’s critical. I’m not buying this if I have to back into the cringle aisle.
Casey:
Does the included basket hold the entire 36 pack of Twinkies or am I going to have open that up and dump them out loose to get them in there? That’s a big deal.
Jeff:
I have to eat them all at the store, and just put the empty wrappers in there.
Casey:
Which I’m going to do anyway, but good question.
Jeff:
What is its weight baring range? Can I start out at 400? Will it handle me up to 700? Or will I have to trade this model in?
Casey:
Is there room to grow. Right, is there room to grow. What is it going to take to get you into a wheelchair today? I can sit your fat ass down into the weight hauler 3,000 right here and I can look you straight in the eye and say you will not have to get a new wheel chair for 6 months I’d say.
Jeff:
Right, but when you do need it, the hummer h2 is ready for you. It can go off road, not that you ever would.
Casey:
It only gets 8 miles per a gallon, but it is worth it.
Jeff:
8 minutes on a charge, tops.
Casey:
it will carry you, and 7 of your fatass friends all to the same location.
Jeff:
We know most of the time it will be just you so you have to take this huge ass wheelchair and maneuver around everything. But it will be ready when you are. The other seats all have DVD players.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like that’s the thing, right? That’s the big selling point too. These SUV wheelchairs they’ve got now, you don’t have to get on to the couch or back onto the wheelchair to watch TV because it’s already in there. What could be better?
Jeff:
It’s built right in. it’s a barker lounger with wheels, right? I would buy that to be honest, I’d buy that.
Casey:
That’s a product. The lazy boy mobility, that’s a product.
Jeff:
The lazy boy immobility would be the better name. it can hallow the bottom out so you can back the entire chair up over a toilet, slide a tray, and you’re right above. You just never have to get off. It’s coming.
Casey:
It’s basically what you need is some large Japanese company that has many divisions, they make lazy boy chairs, they make the Lark, they make ToTo toilets or whatever, right, they get together and they pool their engineering teams..
Jeff:
and Mitsubishi that can pull from the heavy machinery group makes the big knobby tires and then you’re electronics group that makes the bleu ray lasers is making the ass wiping laser. All that, I see. They should get on that.
Casey:
Then you’ll get on that apparently.
Jeff:
I would probably drive a Barker lounger I could drive around I think that’s be awesome.
Casey:
And you’d have the handle.
Jeff:
You know that handle that tilts you? That should be forward or back. That’s what drives you. I’d totally drive that
Casey:
I’m sure you would.
Jeff:
So this week I’ve been watching true blood. I heard, I liked American beauty and the show runner of that made that movie as well. I was unprepared for jus. . . it seems like he’s just going for it. It’s this show about vampires or whatever, this is the trashiest show on American television right now, that’s saying something. He is fucking going for it.
Casey:
The thing about True Blood which I’ve seen only because you left the blue rays there, you didn’t’ say anything, or warn me about it. You just left it there. I don’t know what shows to watch, I don’t watch very many TV shows, so if I want to watch a TV show, I’ll put in what you put down. To be fair, I enjoyed the show.
Jeff:
When I say it’s super trashy, I mean that in a good way.
Casey:
here’s the thing, it’s great cliffhanger writing. It is the pulpiest of pulp fiction shows. It’s just a dime novel, whatever, but it’s done really well. Here’s the thing, nothing you do can prepare you for watching this show. I don’t think that you could go watch any pornography hard R movie, it’s not ready. This movie is not about being. . . this show is not about being ventilating. When they show a sex scene, they are not trying to get you hot. They are not into that at all.
Jeff:
There is a sex scene every 5 minutes in this show. The people are hard bodied, gorgeous people. This movie actively makes you not want to have sex. It is not a sexy thing.
Casey:
It’s very troublesome. They are like, “What could we do in this sex scene that will make you not want to ever have sex again?
Jeff:
Very close, lots of sweaty. It takes place in the south, they are dirty..
Casey:
they are in a nasty place doing it.. in some way that’s really looks as unromantic as possible.
Jeff:
This is an animalistic act.
Casey:
Normally when they shoot a sex scene in a movie they make it look a lot sort of more cleaned up and less sweaty and panty than real life. They did the opposite here. They wanted to make it more disgusting looking than it already looks to an outside observer.
Jeff:
They crank up the filter, it’s not a soft focus, it’s harsh lighting.
Casey:
It’s crisp, it’s 100% detail oriented.
Jeff:
They are going out it in the ally doggy style, one of the character dumps garbage on the two, they keep going. One of them scoops up the garbage and holds onto it while they are going at it. It is. . . it’s ridiculous. I think he just said, “You know what, we’re just going full born.”
Casey:
Now, I don’t know why they decided to that. . .
Jeff:
I can’t recommend it enough because it’s so different than what you think. When you see the revise, it’s like ooh sexy vampire. It is not.
Casey:
If you go into thinking you’re going to have a sexy vampire experience, you are not going to have a sexy vampire experience. One thin g you will not have is a sexy vampire experience. You will not want to have sex with anything, whether it is dead or not, after watching this thing.
Jeff:
He’s definitely doing a lot of the stuff. . . he’s doing a lot of the imagery from Lolita and stuff, the big virginal character. He dresses her up a lot like the character in Lolita the movie, the whatchamacallit. With Peter Sullers, you never saw that? Even some of the set dressing looks like Cubric’s early movies. And Peter Sullers as the comedian came in and he’s wired by Lolita. I read it 5 years ago, where it’s supposed to be an erotic book and you think like. . . normally like. . . well a good example is American beauty where at the end of American beauty he gets the object of this desire, this teenage girl, and he doesn’t have sex with her. In the first version of that screenplay he does.
Casey:
I didn’t know that.
Jeff:
They toned it down, let’s bring that on back.
Casey:
I like anything that suggests American Beauty was toned down in its sexualization of underage women. I guess you could always tone it up.
Jeff:
You could always do more. In any case, when I was reading Lolita, you think that like it has this reputation, and all this, when you read it as much as you might imagine there being pedophilia kind of stuff, it goes way beyond that.
Casey:
So it is not ambiguous?
Jeff:
Unapologetic, I met my nymphet at the door, and he’s never like no, not one ounce of regret in the protagonist in this book. You know, talking about their experience. It was even better than I imagined. Which is insane because i. . . I don’t’ know. This is getting personal, but nothing excites me less than imagining having sex with a young girl. . . like. . . you get better at things as you do them, hopefully, right? Why would I want to fuck. . . they are not. . . it’s so not interesting, right?
Casey:
The Jeff and Casey Show is getting even more ridiculous than I ever imagined. . . I just want.. hold on, just pause for a second. To be fair, I suppose I should be happy that you are at least coming out on the side of not having sex with young girls. That’s good.
Jeff:
Generally girls even in their 20s don’t know what the fuck they are doing.
Casey:
The only part that was a little bit troublesome was that your primary problem with it is that they’re not going to be able to service you the way they prefer. You know what, the problem with underage girls, unskilled. That’s the problem.
Jeff:
Completely as a mechanical thing, like this whole thing about America like sexualizing younger and younger and more and more hard bodies, who steps back and says, “If you get a 16 year old boy who’s like the body of Aires himself, is going to still fuck like a 16 year old boy. You know, it’s not the way it should go.”
Casey:
What you’re advocating here is we need to have more sexual training at an earlier age. . .
Jeff:
We have a fair number of high school kids now that listen to the show, I see them on our Facebook. What I will say is, when I was in high school, I was fixated on sex all the time as I think most high school kids are. Any sex you have for the next 12 years is going to suck, all you high school kids. When you hit about 25, 26, you’ll figure out what the fuck you’re doing, it’s going to be 10 times better. In the meantime, chill the fuck out. Just stop it. Relax, it’s going to get better in the future. Right now it sucks .that is just advice to high school kids.
Casey:
How the fuck are you giving this advice?
Jeff:
I should give commencements at high school graduations.
Casey:
This is perfect Jeff, here’s the scene. They are like whoa Rad Game tools president and founder, one of the most successful gaming companies there is actually, multimillion dollar company, invited to speak back at his school in Utah, where everyone is Mormon. They think he is going to have business tips, how to succeed in life. His opening statement is..
Jeff:
I would have to make two speeches. Here’ s the speech like that. Here’s the one I give.
Casey:
You know what, I’m going to tell you kids something right now.
Jeff:
Zip it up and put it away.
Casey:
You all suck at sex. Alright? I would not have sex with any of you latters except possibly row 3, because I can work with you.
Jeff:
I could train, but everyone else. . . you know what? Zip it up.. put It away, because you don’t know what you’re doing.
Casey:
25, call me. I mean that, my number is in the program.
Jeff:
I’m not saying I’m going to work with them at 25, I’m saying they should not even work with each other.
Casey:
I’m saying you would work at 25. I’m saying that you’re saying that once your 25, you maybe know what you’re doing you’re ready for Jeff. Apparently before that you’re not interested. I’m not interested with you before 25 because you don’t have the skills to please me. That’s what you’re saying.
Jeff:
Yes, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. I would say, Look, 25, you can start fucking each other. I’m not really interested until 30 and later. That’s the action I want. Those ladies, they’ve been places, they’ve tried things that didn’t work out. . .
Casey:
they’ve been places you want them to go is what you’re saying?
Jeff:
There are places that I want to go that I am not going right now and I could keep it as a travel log, I could get advice. When you want to go travel to see some strange place, you want to talk to somebody who’s been there before. That’s what i mean. So 30 year old ladies, email us at JeffandCaseyshow.
Casey:
So what you’re saying is you would like some 30 year old ladies who have not had sex until they were 25, turned it on at 25, and just worked it for 5 years.
Jeff:
they are going to get busy, kids are sexy today, they are going earlier and earlier, I’m not interested. It may as well not happen until 25. But before then you’re fumbling around, you don’t know what the equipment is, you’re a gymnast and you don’t know how to use the chalk right. But at 25, you’re starting to get the swing of things.
Casey:
Chalk is an analogy for?
Jeff:
I don’t want to go into that, but it’s important. And if you had been focusing on 30 year old women, you’d know what the chalk is.
Casey:
Who’s you, me?
Jeff:
If you’d been focusing on 30 year old women, you’d know.
Casey:
If I had been focusing on 30 year old women?
Jeff:
Yes, if you would have had the standards I have. . .
Casey:
You don’t have standards, what standards are those?
Jeff:
No, see, people always say. . .
Casey:
The only standard I heard from you is that like. . . I need a woman who’s been around. That’s a standard, that’s not a standard.
Jeff:
Woman who have been around who are over 30. That’s my standard.
Casey:
That’s not a standard, that’s a criteria. A standard implies a quality. Criteria is like over 30. That’s not a standard. That’s like I want a car from 1995. That’s not a standard, that’s a thing, that’s a fact about the car, where it came from.
Jeff:
That’s like in 1995 they started adding air bags and safety belts which are very important to my standard.
Casey:
Okay.. alright. This is good. Great.
Jeff:
That’s all I’m saying.
Casey:
I’m terrified of what’s going to happen if you air this show.
Jeff:
I’m airing the show.
Casey:
This is absolutely terrifying.
Jeff:
No it’s not.
Casey:
This is the only show we’ve ever come on the air, and I use the term we very loosely here, and said that Jeff does not want to have sex with anyone under the age of 25 because they suck at it.
Jeff:
Yes, yeah. Well, it’s juts, I don’t understand why people think it’s awesome. It’s like an American goal to sleep with a 20 year old, or young women. They are to thinking it through. That’s why I am here.
Casey:
You are helping them out, you’re saying hey fellas knock it off.
Jeff:
She looks terrific.
Casey:
It’s like having a gorgeous car with a shitty driver.
Jeff:
Shitty driver, Okay, same thing.
Casey:
And you’re the gorgeous car. And you’re not getting driven the way you want.
Jeff:
I guess, I don’t know.
Casey:
That wasn’t the out you were going for, but I slipped it in there so to speak.
Jeff:
I can’t even remember. How did this start? Wheel chairs? What the fuck.
Casey:
Oh god. I don’t know Jeff. I don’t know how you got on this subject. You started talking about Lolita because it was like oh..
Jeff:
True blood. Okay, so True blood, pretty good.
Casey:
That was what we had to say there.
Jeff:
We filled 22 minutes with that, that’s excellent. We can talk about anything.
Casey:
Well on behalf on myself I sincerely apologize for the last 22 minutes.
Jeff:
Stop it. If you want to talk about other things, just email us at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Casey:
We have made fun of people of all races, we’ve made fun of retards repeatedly, fat people, ethnicities, everything. This is the first show i felt like apologizing at the end. I feel like an apology needs to be issued.
Jeff:
There’s nothing to apologize for. Look, ladies, I know when you turn 30 you might have, you might be worried about yourself and your sexuality. In my book, your blossoming. So, it’s all good.
Casey:
Jeff just wants you to know, alright, there is always a place for 30+ in his heart, okay?
Jeff:
Exactly ,right.
Casey:
And other places apparently.
Jeff:
Everybody else, fuck of. Keep practicing, we’ll talk later.
Casey:
Well if you are 30 years or older, and female, and listening to this show you can email Jeff at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com or friend him on Facebook. Facebook.com/jeffandcaseyshow. There you have it.
Jeff:
Hook up on Twitter.
Casey:
Anything you want, we’ve got an iTunes feed, go to town.
Jeff:
This is where we wrap up, but I’m going to bring one thing up. So, twitter, is like ADD, it’s like the internet. And ADD version of internet.
Casey:
We’re not twitter right now.
Jeff:
You don’t want to do twitter? We can finish this up in 5 minutes.
Casey:
We have to do a separate twitter.
Jeff:
We’re coming to back twitter.
Casey:
We’ll be coming back. There’s too much talk, we’ve never talked twitter, so we have to talk about it later.
Jeff:
the amount of twitter we’ve just used by the way, it would take 20 twitters to say what we just said in the last 20 seconds.
Casey:
Of course.
Jeff:
Alright, thanks everybody. We will see you next week, probably talking about twitter.
Casey:
Have a great week.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s right.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 13
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