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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Captain Cannabis Attacks
"The immaculate conception was the worst lay of all time."
Original air date: July 12th, 2009
Topics. J.J. Abrams. Tanning. Marijuana. Atheist sex. Captain Cannabis. Facebook. Ambien. The Immaculate Conception.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to “The Jeff and Casey Show.”
Casey:
Welcome to “The Jeff and Casey Show.”
Jeff:
The mega-timer needs some work.
Casey:
Yeah, so those who have listened to this show since its inception oh, so many hours ago. A hundred hours ago, probably, by now, for all I know. You know about the mega-timer, which is some, it’s a little like, a sort of preschool, big plastic contraption made for use in schools, with kids in school rooms that you use to time different activities and whatever. And despite the fact that is designed for preschoolers specifically, Jeff has never really been able to figure out how to get it to work.
Jeff:
No, there’s just. . .
Casey:
So usually what happens is he tries to set the timer. . .
Jeff:
No, there’s just nine buttons on here. I don’t even know what these up and down arrows do, I have no idea.
Casey:
Right, because it’s for preschoolers.
Jeff:
I’m not going to press it now, because. . .
Casey:
So it’s way beyond your ability to time the show.
Jeff:
No, I’m just saying, no stop it. No,
Casey:
Anyway, you try to use it to time the show. Usually what ends up happening is just, it emits all these crazy things. . .
Jeff:
Crazy noises.
Casey:
. . .at the beginning of the show. And sometimes it starts the timer, sometimes it doesn’t. We don’t know why.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right before this show, it played this sort of death knell sound. We’re just like, it normally goes like [imitation] or whatever. But that one went like [imitation].
Jeff:
Yeah, it slowed down. Almost like you know, when they want to make in a movie, a robot or a computer. . .
Casey:
Shut down.
Jeff:
. . .shutting down.
Casey:
It was that noise.
Jeff:
They don’t turn off. Like, the power doesn’t cut out like they do on a real computer.
Casey:
It’s not digital, it’s analog.
Jeff:
They slow down, yes.
Casey:
They get slower and slower.
Jeff:
Yes, yes. Anyway. . .
Casey:
Yes. So, first of all. . .
Jeff:
We have, we had, just right off the bat, thanks everybody for all the links.
Casey:
Absolutely. We asked for topics. . .
Jeff:
You buried us in topics.
Casey:
Right. Normally we ask the listeners for something. . .
Jeff:
Thank you for, everyone that gave us to it. Appreciate that.
Casey:
We ask listeners for something. Usually, they ignore us.
Jeff:
Yeah, the. . . Hey.
Casey:
This time, not only did they listen to us, they listened to us times a thousand.
Jeff:
Yes. And keep it coming, everybody.
Casey:
Yes. We should thank Juan, Eddie, Ryan, Mathis. . .
Jeff:
Mathis [??].
Casey:
Or Mathis [??]. I don’t know how to pronounce his name.
Jeff:
I don’t know how you say it, yeah.
Casey:
We never had to pronounce European names, we don’t know how.
Jeff:
Yes. No, we don’t know.
Casey:
We, send a pronunciation with your names, because we don’t know how to say it. We’re ignorant. We’re ignorant Americans. Noruto [ph], who, I don’t know what his actual name is. Paula, Felix, Petri. I don’t know if I’m forgetting anyone, there’s everyone there.
Jeff:
There’s this. . . Yeah, yes.
Casey:
But in particular. . .
Jeff:
We had a piece of advice.
Casey:
We had one person who I felt like their email was worth reading on the air.
Jeff:
Right, to discuss. . .
Casey:
Because the content was, the content was extremely aerodyte [ph]. . .
Jeff:
And specific.
Casey:
. . .and specific.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So I’m going to go ahead and read that now for you all.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s from Raw Dog.
Jeff:
Yeah, Raw Dog.
Casey:
And it says, “Yo guys, you should just get baked and talk about whatever comes to mind for topics and shit. You gotta get off that caffeine, caffeine shit. It makes you all hyper and faggy and get all whoa, and you just gotta chill the fuck out sometimes. Especially Casey, when he gets all jacked up and shit.”
Jeff:
Well, that’s. . .
Casey:
I know what he’s referring to there.
Jeff:
Well, that’s true.
Casey:
That is true.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah.
Casey:
“Plus, a laid back Jeff and Casey duo would be rad for a change. Weed is so cheap in Seattle, though. When I visit it I got like an ounce of dank, what you guys call chronic in the west, for like $75, which will keep you blazed for a full month and shit, you know. So yeah.”
Jeff:
So yeah. So his sign off was, “So yeah.” So Raw Dog, there’s a lot of information in here that we should talk about.
Casey:
There’s a lot of, there’s a number of points in there to unpack. And there’s one additional point, which we’ll get to in a moment. First of all, I have never smoked pot. I’ll just get that out there. So I don’t know what would happen to me if I was to smoke pot. I’m guessing, given my hyperactive nature, that I am invulnerable to pot.
Jeff:
[laughs]
Casey:
I’m guessing that it’s like, that is my super power, invulnerability to downers. Like, there’s nothing you can do. It doesn’t work.
Jeff:
Yes, Captain Cannabis is attacking the city. Call Casey.
Casey:
Call Casey. Captain Cannabis, right. [laughter]
Casey:
Exactly. Me and the gods of speed show up and just totally fucking freak them out.
Jeff:
Well, here’s what I would say.
Casey:
So here’s, well, let me tell you one thing right now. The concept that there could be a Captain Cannabis who could attack anything, instead of just sitting at home talking about what it would be like to attack some city. . .
Jeff:
To attack things.
Casey:
It is ludicrous, right? Because that’s what would actually happen. You’d just be sitting around, Captain Cannabis sits around the living room making shit up about what he could attack, but he never attacks anything. I guarantee you that way.
Jeff:
Well, he has, he has good intentions, it just never goes through. It’s like, if you want to know why hemp’s not legal, it’s because the people who want hemp to e legal are stoners.
Casey:
[laughs]
Jeff:
Right? When that is your backing group, you’re fucked. Hemp must wake up every morning and just go, “What the fuck, guys? Seriously, I thought you guys were going to go down to the courthouse. . .” And they’re like, “Well, dude, we were totally on the way to the courthouse, and then we saw this sign. I stopped and took a picture of it, it was hysterical. And then. . .”
Casey:
It’s probably like, “First of all, like, I totally thought about collecting like 185,000 signatures last night.”
Jeff:
[laughs] “I planned to.”
Casey:
“I planned to.”
Jeff:
“But I didn’t.”
Casey:
Well, I’m assuming that you could also stop an invasion of mutant cannabis super villains, or whatever by just like, putting a bunch of Twinkies in the way, or like Chee-tos or some shit, to put. . .
Jeff:
Yeah, deploy the, yeah. Deploy the pizzas.
Casey:
Deploy the munchies, yeah. The pizzas, right? And then it’s like. . . Oh, you know the one particularly bad ass cannabis avenger, whatever the fuck, got close to destroying the capital or whatever, but then all of a sudden, they like found the collective works of Shakespeare, and he was just like, “Whoa. . .” Right?
Jeff:
“Dude. . .”
Casey:
Or an ultimate Frisbee. It was like. . .
Jeff:
Right. That would probably be bigger, right.
Casey:
Right, the ultimate Frisbee. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Well, that’s the thing, is, I think his, the, the, while his. . . He means well, Raw Dog does.
Casey:
Oh, we’re going after Raw Dog, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. But I’m going to say that like, I had friends that I hung out in high school with. There was some weed smoked.
Casey:
I, I hung out with friends in high school as well.
Jeff:
And those conversations were never very good.
Casey:
I don’t think they need to be recorded. I don’t think they need to be recorded.
Jeff:
My, I remember thinking how funny they were. They were never as funny as they were while they were being said. So I don’t think that would be good at all.
Casey:
Here’s a suggestion, Raw Dog. And you want to know what? I think he already follows this suggestion. I think you want the listeners to smoke the pot, not the performers. And I think Raw Dog is already doing that. I think he is taking care of that for us.
Jeff:
Good for Raw Dog. Right.
Casey:
Because I think his $75 Seattle stash has not yet been depleted.
Jeff:
[laughs]
Casey:
I think that his dank / chronic is still keeping him blazed this month, if you will.
Jeff:
Right. Well, that’s what we call it in the west. You have to understand. . .
Casey:
I, is that what we call it in the west?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Yeah, I guess. Well now, the other thing I would say about all that is that he, he, he gave us even, some price ranges. So it’s almost as if he’s like, “You know what? I’ll hook you up with a buddy if necessary.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah, he’s like. . .
Jeff:
He’s willing to do it. . .
Casey:
“I can tell you where to get that $75 dank / chronic.”
Jeff:
So we can put up Raw Dog’s email and anybody that needs, you know, for our listeners. . .
Casey:
Yeah, talk to Raw Dog.
Jeff:
Talk to Raw Dog.
Casey:
Talk to Raw Dog. He’s got your hook up, apparently, and it’ll be fine. Now, the interesting thing about that is, not to give away his full email address in here, but his email address actually includes the entire phrase rotisserie chicken.
Jeff:
[laughs]
Casey:
I’m not kidding.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
It actually includes rotisserie chicken. I don’t know. . .
Jeff:
Is that in the part before the domain name, or is that part of the domain name?
Casey:
I am not going to say. I don’t want people to be like, be able to email him if he didn’t want to. He didn’t say, “Post my email,” you know. But still, Raw Dog, rotisserie chicken, I’m not sure what the, how does that work?
Jeff:
No, he never. . . Raw Dog doesn’t remember writing this email.
Casey:
[laughs]
Jeff:
Let’s be honest here. He, stone emailed. . .
Casey:
He has no idea.
Jeff:
He has no email. . .
Casey:
He has no idea what he said.
Jeff:
He has no idea what he was listening to. He was on Facebook. He had a bad. . . Now I had it, recently, that we can bring this up.
Casey:
That’s true. That’s a good point.
Jeff:
I had a bad Facebook trip.
Casey:
You did have a bad Facebook trip. Jeff, I saw some things you posted while you were on that trip. They were unintelligible.
Jeff:
No, they were totally intelligible.
Casey:
Totally unintelligible. I did not know what you said. There was like, words out of order, and it was just like, “Wow.”
Jeff:
No. Well part of that was the iPhone. Now, so here’s the thing.
Casey:
See, iPhone doesn’t rearrange your words, dude.
Jeff:
So, wait, let me finish.
Casey:
OK.
Jeff:
So, I was going to Florida, which I’ll talk about in a second here. Headed to Florida, it’s three hours earlier. I’m on the late schedule, as I usually am, so I have to get up for a 6:00 AM flight. So I’m like, “OK, I got this. I’m going to go home at 10:00,” which is very close to my morning lately. I’m going to go hem very early. I’m going to Ambien up, wake up at 6:00, refreshed to fly to Florida.
Casey:
Right, yeah. Brilliant plan.
Jeff:
Yeah, that was my plan.
Casey:
Brilliant plan, Jeff, as always.
Jeff:
It was a brilliant plan. So, here’s what happened. So, this was morning time for me, and the Ambien can only do so much, OK? So the Ambien made me sleepy, but not asleep, right? So I was like, “Oh, I don’t feel so hot. This is not good.”
Casey:
You were like, “I’m going to whip open Facebook.”
Jeff:
No. So I, while I’m sitting there, and I’m laying down in bed because I’m dizzy. So I open Facebook, and I start looking around in Facebook. And this is where, you know, like deadheads are going to have acid flashbacks from the 60s, of them having sex with a gypsy or whatever, right?
Casey:
[laughs] Yeah.
Jeff:
OK? My flashback in 20 years is going to be a fucking Facebook, OK? Not the way it should go.So, like all the pop out menus that like, you know the chat window that goes [imitation] slides up, curled towards me. They like, went, “Whoa.”
Casey:
What the fuck? Are you serious?
Jeff:
Yeah. And then all the profile pictures were all crunchy, like somebody had done a sharpen on the pictures. It was not good.
Casey:
What the fuck, dude?
Jeff:
So I had a. . .
Casey:
Dude, that’s seriously fucked up.
Jeff:
It was not the way it should go. It was a bad Facebook trip.
Casey:
It sounds like Raw Dog needs to order himself some Ambien.
Jeff:
No. No, it was a bad trip. That’s like, you know when they got on, in. . .
Casey:
So what you’re saying is, during the ad for Ambien, after they do the promo and they stop and they start saying all the ridiculous shit, like. . .
Jeff:
Don’t use Facebook.
Casey:
“Do not operate a motor vehicle,” or whatever. They’re like, “Don’t open Facebook, don’t open the chat book in Facebook. Don’t reply to somebody as well, because when you read it tomorrow morning, you’re going to sound like a fucking lunatic.”
Jeff:
No, I didn’t sound like a lunatic.
Casey:
Yes, you did.
Jeff:
No, I didn’t.
Casey:
Yes, you did.
Jeff:
No, I didn’t.
Casey:
All right, I’m going to go find that.
Jeff:
[laughs] It was good stuff.
Casey:
That we were talking about, it was unintelligible.
Jeff:
No, it wasn’t.
Casey:
It was, I looked at it and I was like, “That is complete gobbledygook.” It was like someone just banged on the keyboard.
Jeff:
No, it’s not. Ii don’t know what you’re talking about.
Casey:
It’s like, someone’s one year old or cat had access to the keyboard on Jeff’s machine.
Jeff:
No. No, that was not the way it should go.
Casey:
That’s what it looked like.
Jeff:
No, it didn’t.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, so yeah. I went to, I, I, well, wait. We have a little more Raw Dog. Let’s finish Raw Dog and then I’ll talk about my trip real quick.
Casey:
OK, I’ll finish with Raw Dog. So, I replied to Raw Dog, because this email entertained me to no end, obviously. I quite enjoyed receiving it. And it’s not really important what I replied. He replied, “Oh yeah, I have a question for you dudes. What do you Atheist guys scream during sex?”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And I assume the implication here is that normally people scream, “Oh, God” or something. So if you’re an Atheist, do you still scream, “Oh, God” or do you scream something else? Or, what do you scream?
Jeff:
Well, I think the first thing that I thought of in that, was that generally, it’s not the guy doing the screaming. The guy is like, he’s down to business.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
He’s like grunting.
Casey:
You’re just grunting?
Jeff:
Like [grunts]. But like, the girl’s usually screaming.
Casey:
Sex with you sounds fantastic.
Jeff:
No, I’m just saying, he’s not usually going. . .
Casey:
Ladies, let’s just take a moment to address the ladies out there.
Jeff:
“Oh, Raw Dog. Oh, Raw Dog.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Raw Dog, yeah. So, what it sounds, it sounds to me like the ladies in the audience can look forward to a swine like lay from Jeff Roberts.
Jeff:
No, no.
Casey:
Like it’s grunty, like it’s a boar kind of a thing, like a snarling, or a bull. Like. . .
Jeff:
I would say this. I would say this, though. I don’t like the yelling. I don’t like the talking.
Casey:
You don’t like talking during sex?
Jeff:
No, I’m just like, turn, you put on some music. I don’t want to hear you make some shit up. I don’t want to hear the blurt out about Abraham Lincoln, or whatever comes to their mind.
Casey:
Oh, all right, OK.
Jeff:
I don’t want to know.
Casey:
OK, all right.
Jeff:
I just turn on some music and shut the fuck up. You know what?
Casey:
All right. Let me say one thing, Jeff.
Jeff:
Here, let me, wait, wait. Let me make some. . .
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Let me make some proclamations on modern porn.
Casey:
No, no, wait a second. Wait a second. Before you go, I knew you were going to go to porn. I knew we’d never, we’d never to actually talk about this for five seconds without it being about porn. I don’t want to hear about Angelina Jolie right now, or whatever the fuck.
Jeff:
No, that’d be awesome.
Casey:
I just want to say one thing. If I was having sex with a woman, and she started calling Abraham Lincoln’s name, I’d feel pretty good about myself. If I made someone think they’re having sex with Abraham Lincoln, that’s pretty hard core right there.
Jeff:
“Emancipate me.”
Casey:
OK, right? That’s pretty hard core.
Jeff:
Yeah, OK. That’s all, that’s all right.
Casey:
Now, I wanted to address this guy’s question before you get off in the porn tangent, though.
Jeff:
It’s not a tangent, it’s crucial.
Casey:
First of all, I assume, and maybe I’m projecting too much here. But I assume that Christians out there, when they scream “Oh, God” during sex, are not actually trying to communicate with God or evoke his image.
Jeff:
Are they talking to God? Because that’s like, getting like a whole bunch of texts when you have something else to do. And you’re looking, and like God’s looking down and he’s like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, people.”
Casey:
It’s kind of like, if you accidently knock the phone off the hook and it dials someone in the middle of sex, and God is the guy on the other line. And he’s like, “Oh, all I’m hearing is all this grunting,” right? He’s like, he doesn’t need to hear that. He’s too busy. He’s omniscient. If he wanted to know about your sexual exploits, he would watch them. Presumably, he’s not watching them because they’re boring, just like everyone else’s.
Jeff:
Well, I think that. . .
Casey:
Now. . .
Jeff:
Well wait. There’s the central philosophical question there.
Casey:
Which is what?
Jeff:
Which is, you know. . .
Casey:
Is God watching your sexual efforts?
Jeff:
You know, like, what is it? Niche [sp] who said, “God is dead.” Maybe, he just preoccupied with everybody screaming out his name. It’s like, “Leave me alone, and I’d get on to fixing this place.” It’s our fault. We’re so busy fucking and yelling out his name, that he can’t fix all this. This is where evil in the world comes from.
Casey:
Which, I guess, gives us Atheists a bit of a leg up. You’re actually helping, those of you who believe in God, to have more access to God by not screaming his fucking name all the time when we’re having sex. OK, here’s the other thing. So this is, so my point there is just, it seems like an Atheist can scream “Oh, God” during sex all they want, because you’re not actually referring to God really in any particular way, in a religious context. So it seems like no matter who you are, you can scream, “Oh, God.” The point that I want to bring up, though, is I have a pro tip here for you, from my friend Vinnie, who invented the wheel of peace, if you listened to previous podcasts. He has a pro tip. He says that “Oh, God” or “Oh, baby” are the right things to scream during sex, because if you actually involve a specific person’s name, you might fuck it up.
Jeff:
It’s all bad. Right, OK, I see.
Casey:
OK? You might say the wrong person’s name, and that would be very, very bad. So generic names during sex are better than specific names during sex, right? And I don’t know if this applies to “Oh, God.” Like maybe for example, if you’re having sex with someone who’s a different religion that you, right?
Jeff:
That would be bad.
Casey:
If they both had a god in them, you could claim that you were screaming the name of the other god, whoever their god was. Right, OK?
Jeff:
Well, yeah.
Casey:
It’s fine. “No, I meant Zeus,” if you’re fucking a Greek person or something. Whatever, right?
Jeff:
Well, that’s what I was good at. That’s actually where I was about to go.
Casey:
OK, go ahead.
Jeff:
Well, was that, you know, in, in Greek mythology, the gods got busy with the mortals all the time. They were, they like, when they needed a break, like it was. . .
Casey:
This is why I’m not religious. This is why I’m not religious.
Jeff:
Greece is like Spring Break.
Casey:
If, if, you know, Athena or something was going to come have sex with me as part of my religion, I’m in that religion. That is my religion now.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, sign me up.
Casey:
Sign me up, OK? If it’s just, if the only thing you can possibly do is get impregnated in a way that you can’t even perceive, right? I’m not interested in that, that doesn’t do anything for me. That does nothing for me.
Jeff:
Basically, what we’re saying is that the immaculate. . .
Casey:
If I have to worry, OK.
Jeff:
The Immaculate Conception was the worst lay of all time.
Casey:
Worst.
Jeff:
She doesn’t ever even know something happened.
Casey:
It’s ridiculous, right? It’s like an angel comes to you and say, “By the way, you’re going to have a kid.” OK, here’s the thing.
Jeff:
“Wait, when did that happen?”
Casey:
I’m male, right? No male has ever had sex with anything in Judeo-Christian mythology. No divine being has had sex with a male, to my knowledge, anyway. If they did, they skipped that in Sunday school, OK? Here’s the thing. So for me, when I’m thinking about, “OK, am I going to be a Christian? What’s in it for me?” What’s in it for me is that I have to sit around wondering whether God is going to fuck my wife, without asking me first. That’s basically where we’re at. It’s like, “OK, sorry dude. We decided she’s going to have Jesus instead of your kid. Happy Birthday.” Right, right? It’s like, I don’t even know what to say about that. How is that an enticement? That seems like a complete net lose for me.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
No it’s not. It’s not the way it should go at all.
Jeff:
Well, the other problem is like, if it was a particularly good action, she might shout out the wrong. . . I mean, there’s the holy trinity. Like, you could get one of the names wrong. You’re like, “Oh, my god. Oh, oh, oh, oh, holy ghost.” And you’re like, “What did you say?” And go like, you are fucked.
Casey:
Right. “Oh. Sorry, God. I meant, I know you’re the best. Just the holy ghost is so soft and goes around inside me. It’s just, it’s great.” I don’t, yeah. I don’t know. It’s a very good question. It’s a very good question.
Jeff:
It’s not, yeah. It’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
No, it’s not the way it should go.
Jeff:
So no. I just say, “Yeah, shut the fuck up.” That’s the best option right there.
Casey:
During sex?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just be quiet. Just be absolutely silent.
Jeff:
Well, there’s nothing that, it’s just going to go wrong for you. Like, the potential is just to say something worse. Like, right? Like best case, you keep having sex. Best case, it continues.
Casey:
Right, right. Worst case is all worse than that.
Jeff:
The worst case, it stops.
Casey:
It stops.
Jeff:
Worst case than that is discussions about what was said. Shut the fuck up. It’s best for you.
Casey:
Right. One minute, we’re having sex. Later, we’re talking about why you just said. . .
Jeff:
Wait a second. We go right from sex to the psychotherapy, right? That’s not where it, that’s not a direction, that’s not a positive direction.
Casey:
Right, it turns out Gertrude Stein was the wrong thing to yell out.
Jeff:
To shout out.
Casey:
Because it’s really confusing to them as to why that was picked. OK, that’s fine.
Jeff:
All right. [laughs] Well, what was I thinking we were going to. . . Oh, I was going to say the, the awesome trip to Florida.
Casey:
You wanted to talk about porn.
Jeff:
Porn?
Casey:
I stopped you from talking about porn earlier. You were like, “let me say some proclamations about porn.” That’s what you said.
Jeff:
Oh. Well, no. I mean this is just the standard thing of like, porn is getting grosser, right? Like, you know, in the never ending. . .
Casey:
Wait. How, we could, said. . . First of all, other than the fact that you always have porn on your brain, which we know from previous podcasts, how did you get from screaming someone’s name during sex to porn?
Jeff:
Well, I was just going to say shut the fuck up, because that’s the same thing in porn.
Casey:
Oh, people are talking too much in porn? There’s too much talking?
Jeff:
And the only good thing about talking, the only thing that you can do there is you can turn down the speaker volume. That helps a, that helps a great deal to the enjoyment, right?
Casey:
That’s a good point. OK, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
You don’t want that blasting out. Right.
Casey:
So what you’re saying is porn dialogue isn’t up to the standards that you would. . .
Jeff:
Well, they don’t even have poor dialogue. I mean, they used to have the thing of like, “Hey, come on in and, you know, set up my cable box.” They’ve dispensed with all that.
Casey:
There’s no cable box?
Jeff:
The never ending. . .
Casey:
There’s no cable box anymore?
Jeff:
There’s no, there’s no scenario whatsoever. It like, cuts into, “I don’t know how these three people got into this room. Why is there a bearskin rug on the ground? I don’t know, this wasn’t addressed. We’re just like going for it, right?” Because that’s the never ending progress of porn.
Casey:
Just to get down to what you actually care about.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly. And pretty soon, it’s just going to keep accelerating to where like, there are just going to be like five second clips, like a techno mus-, like a techno video, where it’ll just be like [imitation], boom, done. And then it’ll have, like the credits.
Casey:
Well, until JJ Abrams is like brought in to like reinvent porn or something. . .
Jeff:
Reinvent porn.
Casey:
And it’s like so complicated, right? That like, you’re, you’re like totally confused. It’s like you can’t even figure out that’s what, “Wait a minute. He was having sex with which person?”
Jeff:
And then everyone’s really frustrated. There’s like, “God dam it. I feel like they’re fucking making this porn up as they go along. Like, every week, it’s something new. They’re not, they’re not closing any of my outstanding questions like, why did those two fuck?” And they didn’t ever explain that. So, yeah. Though, no, it’s not the way it should go. It’s not the way it should go. So yeah, so yeah. We’ve, I zapped to Florida, as I do once a year. I picked an awesome time to do it, because summer in Florida, it’s lovely. It’s lovely, it’s a good, you know, 95, 90 degrees humidity. But at night, fortunately, it goes down to 85.
Casey:
Right. So it’s just, it’s a, it’s a crisp evening.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a crisp. . . You put a sweater on, you know? Because it take, you know, it gets a little nippy out there.
Casey:
It’s perfect for a nice slimy walk, as if you were a slug slithering across the Florida landscape.
Jeff:
Oh, my. . . Well, if you were to go outside, if you wanted to risk it, because the crazy critters there. . .
Casey:
Yeah. You’d see all kinds of things, yeah. It’s ridiculous. Mosquitoes, alligators.
Jeff:
Just, cool the fuck down, Florida, just cool off. Because there’s the other thing, is it’s so fucking hot, that people who have no business wearing certain items of clothing wear them, right? I think we need a rule. I think we need, and I’m willing to be liberal on this rule. But I’m like, 300 pounds, no bikini tops, OK? 400 pounds, guys can’t take their shirts off at all, OK? Your breasts are bigger than hers. They’re huge, right?
Casey:
OK. Is that, is that a rule that you want to instate about the man, male to female breast size ratio in a couple?
Jeff:
Yeah, I think that’s. . .
Casey:
Do you want to say that in general, you’re not allowed to have larger breasts than your wife?
Jeff:
If you take your shirt off.
Casey:
Or girlfriend?
Jeff:
Right, right. You, I mean, look. . .
Casey:
You’ve got to cover it up if it’s bigger than that?
Jeff:
You’ve got to cover that up if it’s bigger than that. Otherwise, you know, you can go for it. I don’t mind. I don’t care. Like, I understand there’s going to be some inappropriate skin at a beach. I don’t want to see that in everybody, right? The other thing that happens in Florida, which I noticed, by the way, is even among the young people, they get so tan and leathery, that like they get creased in all the places that their arms bend. It’s like, “Oh, my god.” Way too hot.
Casey:
What’s the big. . . Can we just ask this question here? Tanning. What is the deal with tanning? I do not understand that whole concept. As far as I’m concerned, people only look weirder when they get tan. They never look better.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, sometimes there’s tanning, I mean you used to tan with the machines, and you’d just get like a tan that’d be brown.
Casey:
Whichever.
Jeff:
Now they have the spray on tans that make you look orange.
Casey:
Now that’s, that’s fucked up.
Jeff:
Which is totally freaky.
Casey:
I have no idea why anyone would do that.
Jeff:
That is like, Oompa Loompa action, right? That is not the way it should go.
Casey:
But why not just be white if you’re white, or whatever. Like, it just looks normal. It doesn’t look weird.
Jeff:
Well, you look better when you’re brown. You just do.
Casey:
No you don’t.
Jeff:
Yeah you do.
Casey:
How is that true?
Jeff:
Well, like if you’re browner, you’re just going to, you generally look healthier.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Like, if you got any weird skin stuff, it’s going to be all brown, the same color, like. . . It is, you look better when you’re tan. Like, you look sickly when you’re white.
Casey:
You’re not glazing, it’s not a steak. You’re not browning in a pan. It’s not supposed to be like a crispy exterior.
Jeff:
I’m just saying, it’s kind of like that. It’s kind of like that.
Casey:
You’re a human being.
Jeff:
You want to be crisped.
Casey:
No, you don’t want to be crisped.
Jeff:
I’m just saying that’s what happens.
Casey:
No it’s not.
Jeff:
It’s what people think. That’s why they go tan.
Casey:
I don’t understand this. Do you think this? Is this your opinion? You think that a tanned person is more attractive than a non-tanned person?
Jeff:
I, yeah, usually, yeah. I mean, not always. I don’t like the super brown, but like when you’re super white, it, you just don’t look, especially out in the sun.
Casey:
Weird.
Jeff:
Like redheads look great. Redheads out in the sun look sick. So they look like they’re ill. They need the, so there’s this weird thing that happens.
Casey:
Weird, all right. I just don’t understand that. I can’t understand it.
Jeff:
I tanned for, I tanned like, when I first got here. I was like, getting used to the fact that there’s no fucking sun here, ever. And like, I was like, “Oh.” You know, what everyone says, if you go get some, you go to get a tan. . .
Casey:
You went to a tanning salon?
Jeff:
It’ll make you feel better. Yes, I. . .
Casey:
You went to a. . .
Jeff:
You should have seen this lady.
Casey:
Jeff Roberts? You went to a tanning salon?
Jeff:
OK, first off. . .
Casey:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Jeff:
I scrubbed that tanning bed for about, like, I had half an hour in there, I spent 15 minutes just like spraying off the bed. It was like, so gross.
Casey:
I, I, that. . . We’re going to have to end this podcast, because I just, I’m not going to be able to comment anymore.
Jeff:
You know, I even had the thing, I had the things on my eyes. You know, the crazy swim goggle kind of things.
Casey:
I am stunned.
Jeff:
Yeah. So here’s the other thing. I’m whitey bird. It didn’t make a bit of difference. It didn’t make me more like awake, or getting used to the sun. It made me sweaty, sleepy. It was like the opposite. So you know what? People who think they should tan, don’t tan. Doesn’t help anything. Doesn’t make you more awake. Go drink a coffee, it’ll treat you right. That’s what you want.
Casey:
So you were sitting there. . . I don’t give a shit about anything you just said, I wasn’t even listening.
Jeff:
You were listening.
Casey:
Was not listening.
Jeff:
Your mouth was open.
Casey:
You’re sitting there going, “There’s less sun here than there is in Utah.” That was your, that was the progenitor, the like, the, or the source, the origin of this ridiculous series of events, was you sitting there going, “There is less sun here that there is in Utah.”
Jeff:
Well everybody, right. Everybody says that like, hey. They don’t, you don’t get your vitamin D or whatever, you get run down in the winter.
Casey:
So, instead of saying, “I’m going to go buy a bottle of vitamin D to take. . .”
Jeff:
Yeah, but that’s not. . .
Casey:
You thought, you in your mind. . .
Jeff:
It’s not my mind. I didn’t make this up.
Casey:
You’re like, “You know what?”
Jeff:
Everybody does this.
Casey:
“I’m going to go to a tanning salon.”
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m going to try it.
Casey:
“Me, Buffy and Veronica are going to go hang out at the tanning salon, right? And get nice and crispy. . .”
Jeff:
That could be awesome with all three of those people, but it was just me.
Casey:
“It’s going to be great. It’s going to be fine. I’ll put cucumbers over my eyes,” or whatever the fuck they do, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, cucumbers.
Casey:
“I’m going to get in the tanning bed, I’m going to crank it up to whatever, and I’m going to come out like a nice, crispy, brown Jeff Roberts.” That’s what you thought?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is what was happening in your head?
Jeff:
And I, all I did is I got sunburned the first time and didn’t go for my other 19 visits.
Casey:
You bought a package?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s how they sell them. It’s like, it’s like a punch card.
Casey:
You bought a fucking punch card for tanning?
Jeff:
Yeah, I bought a punch card.
Casey:
And you used one and didn’t use the other 19?
Jeff:
No. It made me sleepy and I was all sweaty, and then I don’t like the bed.
Casey:
You know what? End this pod, end this podcast. We have to end this podcast. I have nothing to say. I’m in shock. I have no idea what to say.
Jeff:
Bring it on back.
Casey:
I can’t even pursue it.
Jeff:
Because I want to talk about one more thing in Florida. Two more things, I think. The second thing I wanted to talk about in Florida. . .
Casey:
Right, was when you went to get your bikini wax.
Jeff:
No. [laughs]
Casey:
Yeah, tell me all about it. Did you leave like a little landing strip on there? Or did you go like full, full off?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Why don’t you tell me all about it, right?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Extra optical inch and all that, right? You had a nice. . .
Jeff:
Actually, I had a story about that, but I’m going to save that for another time.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
No, it’s related to that.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
It’s another story.
Casey:
If we are on a podcast and you nonchalantly mention shaving your balls, OK? If that happens, there’s going to be issues, all right? I need to know about that before we go on the air.
Jeff:
This is not just. . . OK, I’ll tell you before.
Casey:
For the record.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
OK? Because this tanning shit is freaking me out.
Jeff:
No, it’s not that, but it’s related. OK.
Casey:
I’m already freaked out.
Jeff:
OK. OK, so let me finish.
Casey:
Go ahead.
Jeff:
OK, the other thing in Florida, everyone drives a hundred miles an hour.
Casey:
Unless they’re in a golf cart, but yes.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s the thing I was going to say. Like, about 90% of the people on the freeway drive at least a hundred miles a. . . I’m driving like 85, being passed.
Casey:
Right. And the other 10%, in the golf cart. [laughs]
Jeff:
And the other 10% are going like, 30 in the fast lane. So people are used to these crazy maneuvers. OK, here’s the thing. They’re just going to somewhere else in Florida, right?
Casey:
Right. Why are you rushing?
Jeff:
Why are you rushing? It’s going to suck there just as much here. In fact, the only thing that’s comfortable, the only place I found comfortable in Florida while I was there, is in the car when I had the air conditioner blowing on me.
Casey:
But that’s why they’re going 30 miles an hour, is they’re like, “I hope I don’t arrive at my destination.”
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t get it. The only people that should be able to speed in Florida are people leaving the state, right? And in that case, you’re allowed to go as fast as you want.
Casey:
So on the interstate, you can go as fast as you want.
Jeff:
Right, if, yeah. If you have, if you have plates from another state, you can go as fast as you want.It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
All right. Yeah. Or if you’re going to your tanning salon.
Jeff:
If you’re on your way to tanning, you might miss your time.
Casey:
Yeah, you’re very tan. You might, yeah. That would be very hard.
Jeff:
And you have to set it, you have to set a time.
Casey:
Oh, do you?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah. I wouldn’t know.
Jeff:
You know, you also have to choose between a lot of machines. There’s a lot of machines.
Casey:
Oh, there’s a variety?
Jeff:
Yes. There’s like the all over tan, which has got lights on the bottom and the top. And then there’s one on the top where you have to turn over, but. . .
Casey:
Now, did you get into this thing nude?
Jeff:
No, I left my. . .
Casey:
What were you wearing?
Jeff:
I left my skivs on.
Casey:
You went in there, you took off all your clothes except for your underwear and got into the tanning machine?
Jeff:
Yes. Well that’s, what are you going to do? You’re not going to get in with your pants on, you’ll be soaking wet.
Casey:
What do you mean? What, wait. No, wait.
Jeff:
It’s 900 degrees in there.
Casey:
What are you going to do? OK, sorry. What are you going to do? Like, I’ve considered all these aspects of tanning. I started to have it because I don’t go to fucking tanning salons because it’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
Wait. I don’t even get this because like, you would, like, you are Italian, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You are a sun people, right? You tan.
Casey:
Yes, I tan.
Jeff:
You turn brown.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
But like, so you should be into this. Like, people that move here from other, like our friend Kira that came from the Dominican Republic, loves to tan because he’s like, “It’s the only sun I get all year long. When I’m here all the time, I’m like, I turn white again.” And he’s like, “I want to keep my tan going.”
Casey:
It’s not an objective function. There isn’t some amount of brownness that you need to achieve for some purpose.
Jeff:
Yes, there is.
Casey:
It doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
It does.
Casey:
That’s the point. It’s a complete waste of time.
Jeff:
You know. . . Oh, it is a waste of time. I wish they let you play video games or something in there. But you can’t open your eyes. No, the other thing that I would say, I would totally fix. . .
Casey:
I just, I just, I’d. . .
Jeff:
I would totally fix tanning, I would have, I would fix all the action and then it’d be good, I think.
Casey:
Oh, good. Yeah, you do that.
Jeff:
The other op-. . .
Casey:
Go right ahead. You’d be known as the guy who fixed tanning.
Jeff:
Yeah, I know the other option. . .
Casey:
Right. And then I’ll have even less incentive to be seen with you, all right? Then I’ll be like. . .
Jeff:
No. There’s be like a really brown statue in front of me. . .
Casey:
Oh my fucking god.
Jeff:
. . .at the tanning institute.
Casey:
Like one of those bronze ones in cursive, like, “No, this was actual skin shade.”
Jeff:
[laughs] No, the other awesome. . .
Casey:
“He looked like a giant bronze statue,” Jeff Roberts.
Jeff:
The other awesome thing about tanning, is that if you go in there, they have a whole bunch of brochures on the health benefits of tanning. Not the. . .
Casey:
Bullshit.
Jeff:
Oh no, they’re going to help you out, my friend. They will help you out with seasonal effective disorder.
Casey:
Oh, will it?
Jeff:
Yeah. Yeah, they’ll help you out. The other thing is, if you have a base tan, you’re less likely to get burned, right?
Casey:
Oh yeah, it’s in the base.
Jeff:
So you can go in there. . .
Casey:
So I need a base tan.
Jeff:
You got the base, you get your base in January. . .
Casey:
Yeah, I’ve got to buy my base tan.
Jeff:
. . .so that you can go out without a shirt on, later on.
Casey:
Of course. Well, what would you do, if you don’t have a base tan in January, you’re just behind all season on your tan.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
Really? Right?
Jeff:
Well no, it’s just, you’re going to go out and get burned.
Casey:
The tanning quota. . .
Jeff:
The base tan is like, you know, the thing that’s going to protect you.
Casey:
Right. It’s like when you’re painting your house, right? You put down that first coat, you let that dry. And then you come in with the actual. . .
Jeff:
Then you come in. . .
Casey:
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
Right. And then. . .
Casey:
It’s like primer or something, right?.
Jeff:
It is.
Casey:
For your car.
Jeff:
It’s like your base tan is the primer.
Casey:
Yeah. You put the primer down. Yeah. Fucking ridiculous.
Jeff:
No, it’s awesome. You know, about 50% of my friends in high school primered their car on the way to painting it. And then, probably due to Raw Dog-like tendencies, never got around to actually painting the car. So most of my friends had primered car all the way through high school.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
It was a good look.
Casey:
That’s classy.
Jeff:
Uh-huh, yeah. Never looked dirty. You know how those colors, there’s some colors that don’t show the dirt.
Casey:
Yeah, right. And they’re like. . .
Jeff:
Primer’s one of those colors.
Casey:
And then like, you go to the, to register the car and it’s like, make and model, color, you just write down primer. It’s like, “It’s primer color.” It’s primer.
Jeff:
It’s kind of flat gray.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “Why do you guys care? You’re going to pull this car over when you see it driving down the street, regardless. So you don’t need to be able to APB it, because it’s just going to get pulled over as a matter of course.” Right, exactly.
Jeff:
The amount of smoke coming out of the windows could attract more attention than the color.
Casey:
Than whatever the call out would be, yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
All right, we are done with this podcast. This is over. It is done.
Jeff:
No, it’s not.
Casey:
Shut it off.
Jeff:
No, you don’t like this tri-, you don’t like. . .
Casey:
No. I don’t like anything about this episode.
Jeff:
[laughs]
Casey:
Shut it off now.
Jeff:
OK. Email us links. . .
Casey:
If you would like to get in contact with “The Jeff and Casey Show,” if you’d like to email us topics. . .
Jeff:
Right. Or if you need some. . .
Casey:
Or if you’d like to recommend a weed purchase for us like Raw Dog did. . .
Jeff:
Yeah. Or, or. . .
Casey:
Or if you have questions about. . .
Jeff:
Tanning.
Casey:
Sex, like Raw Dog did, we can “answer” them for you.
Jeff:
Right. If, if somebody, if you’re considering getting a tan and you need some tips, email Jeff.
Casey:
Because Jeff has been once, out of 20 times.
Jeff:
Yes, I have been once, yes.
Casey:
You can go ahead and email those questions to podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com.
Jeff:
You can get my punch card.
Casey:
Or, you can catch up with us on Facebook or Twitter.
Jeff:
[laughs] Oh yeah, we’re on, we’re on everywhere now.
Casey:
Go to jeffandcaseyshow.com, and there’s a little row of buttons, and you can to anywhere you want.
Jeff:
And do not go to the Facebook page for jeffandcaseyshow.com if you’ve taken an Ambien. We’ve covered that.
Casey:
Apparently not. Otherwise, it’s all good.
Jeff:
Right. All right, and we’ll see you next week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 8
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