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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Selling Out for Sarah Palin
"No one wants to eat on a tragedy."
Original air date: July 5th, 2009
Topics. Garage sales. Commemorative plates. Good/no-good. Flirting. Lyapunov stability. Gravity wells.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody. Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show. The finest 15 minutes of audio that you will hear today.
Jeff:
On the Internet. At all.
Casey:
on the Internet, from the JeffandCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For sure. I guarantee it. Unless you listen to another one of the shows and it’s funnier, in which case. that would be it.
Jeff:
This one is, otherwise pretty good.
Casey:
Jeff, here’s the thing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s been good weather in Seattle lately.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s the summer; it’s gorgeous here, so I’ve been walking around.
Jeff:
This tricks people.
Casey:
I walk around the Capital Hill; of course I walk around all the time.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But normally. you know.
Jeff:
You’re a walker.
Casey:
there aren’t necessarily all those people out.
Jeff:
I drive to work from two blocks away.
Casey:
There’s people everywhere. Yeah, you’d just drive to work even if it was like literally. if it took you more to walk to the car and then park and walk out of the car, you’d still do that.
Jeff:
I’d still do it.
Casey:
Because driving to work is how you get to work, no matter whether it’s efficient or not.
Jeff:
Right. Gotta have a car.
Casey:
Here’s the thing that’s been happening a lot lately.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I want to get your opinion on this.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
You are walking down the street.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay? You turn the corner, and you see a bunch of shit strewn all over someone’s yard. It is a garage sale. Okay
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
They are having a garage sale.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Good, no good?
Jeff:
Oh! This is Good or no good. You dropped a bomb on me.
Casey:
Yes
Jeff:
Good, no good. Garage sales are absolutely, inequitably no good.
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
Right. Like, Okay. Buying used shit in general.that’s what’s awesome about the Internet. You used to be able buy cheap things on buy.com and Amazon.com and like. “Hey, gets right to your door, it’s awesome, it’s new, it’s cool, and you didn’t have to go get it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now they’re selling used shit on those services that you can get by accident. Right? They’re bringing the garage sale into the.no fucking good people!
Casey:
That’s absolutely true, yes.
Jeff:
Like, okay. Here’s what you have on the average garage sale: Some shitty books by like you know, Clive whatever about some shitty spy. Right? That.
Casey:
They’re usually books that you have never heard of. Right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
No matter how many garage sales I’ve ever been to, there still manages to be more books I’ve never heard of in that little pile.
Jeff:
Yeah, that little pile. And they’re on like the “New York times top 100they make some list. I’m like, I’ve never even heard of this book. There’re too many books people.
Casey:
Right. No.
Jeff:
That’s no good. You know what? Stop making so many shitty books because no one’s going to read them except for the people that read the earlier version of that book. Stop making books for like five people.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay, aside from that.
Casey:
And you’re like, “dude where did you get this book?He’s like, ”I dunno I got it a garage sale, never read it.“
Jeff:
Yeah. Exactly.
Casey:
Alright, awesome. Right? I think there’s like a whole category of books that just get passed from garage sale to garage sale.
Jeff:
Garage sale to garage sale. Right. In a desperate attempt to read it.
Casey:
Well, it’s a 50 cent book. I guess I’ll pick it up. You never read it and you sell it at your own garage sale. That’s how it works.
Jeff:
You have your own garage sale.
Casey:
Right? It’s kind of like how there’s bacteria for every situation that’s involved. These books have evolved to fill garage sales.
Jeff:
That’s it. Right. And airplanes.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So here’s the other thing about that. They have this garage sale because they’re like, “Oh I need to make ends-meet or whatever.Right?
Casey:
I guess.
Jeff:
They’re gonna put their shit like out on the lawn, it takes a couple of hours to do that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You have to haggle with just freak shows that come up there.
Casey:
Yes. Right. “Is this lamp.do you happen to know if this lamp was originally from a Quaker manufacture because I’m looking at the bottom .And you’re just like. ”You know what?“
Jeff:
Right. It cost five dollars. Buy the light. Take it to like, your stupid show.
Casey:
It’s not an antiques road show. It’s a garage sale on Capital Hill. I’ll give you a hint. Whatever the awesome thing is you think you might have found, this is not it.
Jeff:
This is not it
Casey:
This isn’t it.
Jeff:
Right. It’s over valued at two dollars. Right? Okay let me save you some time. You don’t need to go to the road show.
Casey:
You should be asking.instead of asking whether or not this was the lamp Rasputin used to write like some kind of death threat or something.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
you should be asking, “Does it turn on if I plug it in?”
Jeff:
Right. Will it shock my children? That’s all you need to know.
Casey:
Right. That’s all you need to know.
Jeff:
Stop wondering.
Casey:
Yes. And the answer is, “Yes.”
Jeff:
The answer is always “Yes”.
Casey:
Okay, sorry. Continue.
Jeff:
So the other thing, like so you take all day to set it up, you throw it out on the front lawn, you have freak shows coming there, and it doesn’t matter what you put on the price tag, they will haggle with you.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It could be a five cent book and they’re gonna say, “Three.And you’re gonna say, ”Stuff the book up your ass you cheap mother fucker.Because to the people that come there, the garage sale represents an opportunity to haggle and it’s the people that like that.
Casey:
And that’s the important part isn’t it?
Jeff:
and they’re all douche bags. Right? As a matter of course. You’re not gonna like it. So you spent all day setting it up, you have all the people come, you haggle all day about bull shit, you then tear it down, you print out fliers that you made in like, Word.
Casey:
Right. You draw chalk on the fricking sidewalk pointing to the garage sale. Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like some kind of live Punapp Stability Diagram where all of the blocks within like, a three mile radius have derivatives pointing inward to your garage sale.
Jeff:
Inward, right.
Casey:
Right? God forbid there be two garage sales, because then there this like orbital.like
Jeff:
Totally. You might get a local minima.
Casey:
Oh I think we’re getting someone swirled into our garage sale, but no they got swirled into another garage sale.
Jeff:
They walked on the simplex and then they fell off the face to the next one.
Casey:
They were right on the edge of our gravity well and they like went into this other vortex.
Jeff:
Right. They need DJ K, instead of just walking the simplex.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
That all sucks, and like at the end of the day you still have to put 90% of your shit away and you made like $25.
Casey:
Yeah I know.
Jeff:
Here’s the thing. Throw all that shit away. Just put it in the..anything you thought worth selling, right? I’ll give ya $20 if it keeps you from not doing this bullshit.
Casey:
On your lawn, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, if I’m your neighbor.
Casey:
Ask your neighbors if each neighbor will pay you a dollar not to have a garage sale and make the 20 bucks, pay that to the service that comes with the truck and takes all your shit to the dump.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
You also get all the strife that comes with it. Where like the husband comes out and he’s like, “What are you doing? Why you selling that?and you’re like ”Honey, you’re never gonna use the router.And you’re like, “No, no, no, I totally have a plan for that.You don’t need to have a fight for the bullshit
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
If you’re going to secretly get rid of something.
Casey:
“You don’t even have the other elephant bookend to this.”
Jeff:
Yes exactly.
Casey:
“You only have one. You’re like, ”Well I’m going to push it up against the side of the bookshelf then.“
Jeff:
right, throw it away. People throw it away.
Casey:
It’s awesome. It’s Hannibal. It’s Hannibal. He’s marching. He’s marching
Jeff:
Just throw that shit away. Okay, hers the other thing. This is so not good. This could be like a proto-not good. Right up there with biggest ones
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Who the fuck would buy clothes at a garage sale? Who would buy this lice infected, shit on, pissed on, dandruff covered shirt. Go buy clothes. At that. Would the average person go into Goodwill with the homeless people and buy a pair of jeans? No, but yet they’ll go to a garage sale.
Casey:
Where they haven’t bothered to take this shit to Goodwill yet and they’re selling it at the garage sale.
Jeff:
Yes. And they haven’t even washed it as good as Goodwill will. Right? Like, this shit it going to Goodwill. You are buying Goodwill clothes just one stop before them.
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Well, I don’t know the answer to that question. I really don’t. I wish I.
Jeff:
There’s usually some flatware, some dishes with pictures.
Casey:
Commemorative dishes. Very popular. There’s usually like, dishes with pictures on them.
Jeff:
Here’s a 911 dish set, we will never forget. You know what? You did forget because you’re selling them for a quarter each! No one wants to eat on a tragedy. You should have thought of that before you bought them. God damn. Don’t buy that shit. Turn of the TV after midnight and don’t buy anything there because anything you buy after midnight is next year’s garage sale you stupid mother fuckers.
Casey:
No one wants to eat on a tragedy.
Jeff:
They don’t.
Casey:
That’s awesome. That’s a very good point. In fact, I think we could probably extend this good, no good to commemorative plates.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Commemorative plates, no good.
Jeff:
No. There’s nothing you wanna.
Casey:
Right? Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. You know what? You don’t need to eat on that. That’s not important. Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If only I had a soup or whatever the fuck. Right? Forget about it. It’s not important
Jeff:
I don’t want to commemorate anything that’s covered with food.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
How is that commemorative? Dumping all of your food onto something is hardly a respectful way.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
It’s like whatever the fuck. Lincoln freed the slaves, right now it’s Spaghetti-O’s or something, whatever the fuck. It’s not so good right there.
Jeff:
No, it’s not good at all.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Fuck the Franklin Mint. Right?
Casey:
What is the Franklin Mint?
Jeff:
I don’t know but they sell stupid shit that ends up at garage sales.
Casey:
Is it actually a government thing, or is it some bullshit thing?
Jeff:
No it’s some weird shit where they’re like gold coins at 500 times the value of gold like stamped with some shit that says they’re worth something. No, it’s total bullshit.
Casey:
It comes with a certificate.
Jeff:
Yeah. Oh, they always come with a certificate. Yep.
Casey:
It always comes with a certificate. Now that certificate I guarantee you, not present at the garage sale.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? They had lost the certificate. The certificate is gone.
Jeff:
Right. Well I just. what are they going to certify? This came from us. Right? It’s got the Franklin Mint printed on the back. There’s no confusion.
Casey:
Well that’s a good point with the commemorative plates thing. It’s like, “Here is a certificate of authenticity for your 911 commemorative plate.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s like, there’s nothing to certify. It was not made by a famous artist.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s just a plate.
Jeff:
Yeah. No, it’s just a plate
Casey:
So whatever you see on the plate.
Jeff:
Right, A flag, an eagle..
Casey:
The certificate is a negative. Someone might mistake the plate for having been made by somebody important if they can’t tell my looking at the certificate that it wasn’t.
Jeff:
Right. Like, without the certificate you might trick the people at the road show.
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
With the certificate you guarantee this thing was bought for four dollars. God damnit, stop it.
Casey:
Alright. Garage sales, no good.
Jeff:
God, I’m exhausted. That one spent me.
Casey:
You really, you latched onto that. You do not like the garage sales.
Jeff:
No I don’t like the garage sales. I don’t like going past them with all the people there. And like, you’re driving along, you just trying to get home. You don’t want to think about this shit, then all the sudden there’s so much people in your neighborhood. Stay in your house, get your of your yard.
Casey:
I’m going to try to turn this into a proactive.I’m going to flip the script on this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because I think I have an innovation.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That people have not looked into.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
You know the car wash thing? Right?
Jeff:
Yeah, you have people stand out.
Casey:
You always have the attractive girls at the car wash to lure in the men to get their car washed.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. They need to apply this to garage sales. Right?
Jeff:
Oh. I’m intrigued.
Casey:
Guys will come up and want to talk to the pretty girls about the.
Jeff:
Items. Yes.
Casey:
Items. Right? I think that you could make a decent living if you were like a female garage sale coordinator, basically. I don’t know what to call this position. Right? You’re basically like the front man, woman, for the garage sale.
Jeff:
You know that’s not a bad idea. You know what? When I flew back from Florida, this pretty girl sat next to me. I’m from Alaska, and I sat and talked to her for most of the way back. She mentioned that she voted for Sarah Palin. And I’m like, “Oh really?
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
That’s, guys right there. So like, if you can get the bimbo concept into the garage sale I’m probably there. As much as I loathe the garage sale, I’m going to come home with a whole shit ton of Tom Clancy books.
Casey:
Right, this is why I’m saying that.
Jeff:
No, I think you’re right. I think it would get me.
Casey:
You were like, totally down with the Sarah Palin thing?
Jeff:
I was like, “Well you know she doesn’t seem like she’s that smart. And she’s like, ”Oh she was really awesome for Alaska before.And I’m like, “really?”
Casey:
Really. Wow.
Jeff:
I’m pathetic. I know. I understand.
Casey:
You are a sellout. A Sellout.
Jeff:
I sold it out for Sarah Palin.
Casey:
But you didn’t. Because all you did was talk to somebody on a plane.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s enough for me.
Casey:
It’s not like you went out on a date or something.
Jeff:
No, that’s enough for me. That alone.
Casey:
That’s it?
Jeff:
No, I was ashamed after. Like, put it to you this way, after the flight I was like, “Oh for fuck’s sake, like that was terrible.”
Casey:
Oh, you had.what’s the word.flirter’s remorse.
Jeff:
Yes, I guess so.
Casey:
Basically. Flirter’s remorse.
Jeff:
Well it wasn’t flirting, it was just like. yeah.
Casey:
Ok let me help you out here. If you pretend to be okay with Sarah Palin in order to talk to a pretty girl, that’s flirting. Okay. That is what that is.
Jeff:
No I don’t think that’s flirting. I think it’s just full on patheticness. Like flirting, if it was flirting, if I was like.
Casey:
Patheticness is an attribute. Flirting is an activity. They are not mutually exclusive
Jeff:
You’re just saying I was just bad flirting
Casey:
You were pathetically flirting.
Jeff:
Okay alright. Pathetic flirtation
Casey:
Yes exactly.
Jeff:
Okay. Not the way it should go
Casey:
Another adjective we could use, or rather adverb is unsuccessfully. Apparently.
Jeff:
Well I wasn’t.Yeah, it was not the way it should go.
Casey:
Alright. Fair enough.
Jeff:
Not the way it should go at all.
Casey:
Fair enough.
Jeff:
I’m tired from that one. That was a lot of yelling. We probably blew out everybody’s speakers. Here at the Jeff and Casey Show, and all of our listeners are gonna have to go buy new shit at a garage sale from a computer that’s three years old. They sell computers at garage sales that you couldn’t give away at RePC. RePC wold be like, “You know what, this isn’t work the salvage.God damnit.
Casey:
Yes.Absolutely.
Jeff:
Oh my God. Alright everybody send us an email at JeffandCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Yes, if you would like to get in touch with us.
Jeff:
Yes. Facebook..
Casey:
Podcast@JeffandCaseyShow.com if you’d like to email us.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or you can catch up with us on Facebook or on Twitter, or you can go to JeffandCaseyShow.com and there are buttons on there for all of your favorite social networking things.
Jeff:
Right, and we update them every time there’s a new show so you don’t miss it. Because you might be saying to yourself, “Do I miss a show? I don’t see.we don’t have.
Casey:
You may be paranoid going, “Oh my god, what if I have missed some of the Jeff and Casey Show? And we want to ease some of your paranoia. We want to take care of you and make sure you don’t.
Jeff:
Right. We have so much continuity in our show that like, if you.
Casey:
It would be disastrous if you missed one.
Jeff:
Yeah. You wouldn’t be able to keep up to date with what’s going on.
Casey:
Just like Lost. You have to know every single time.
Jeff:
Right. Or, Twin Peaks you might be missing important pieces of the story.
Casey:
Right, like a dancing midget.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? Which by the way, would be something we would have on this show.
Jeff:
Episode Three. Yeah. We did.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
You probably missed it people, so go to Twitter or Facebook and get up to date. Right.
Casey:
Pay Attention. Don’t miss the midget at the JeffandCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
Alright, thanks everybody and we will see you next week.
Casey:
Have a good week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 7
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