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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
You Only Need a Hole
"If I can't keep pressure on my hand switch, the blowjob stops."
Original air date: June 29th, 2009
Topics. User-friendly. James Horner. The Autoblow. Fleshlight. Nuclear reactors. Sucking. Hands-free.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show.
Jeff:
We’re powering through topics.
Casey:
Here’s what I want to say to you Jeff.
Jeff:
Yes?
Casey:
We have made fun of ourselves previously because on the show we are not terribly accurate. It’s not really a big deal in our line of work. We’re people who do long stage research and development stuff. We’re never gonna graduate med school you and me. It wouldn’t happen because they’d show us a picture and we would be “I don’t know what that things called, I’ll get back to you.” And that doesn’t work there. So accuracy, not our strong suit.
Jeff:
Right. We’re kind of like the Fox News of podcasts.
Casey:
No, because we’re not intentionally misleading you. We just don’t remember, right?
Jeff:
Exactly, and we don’t really have high standards.
Casey:
And we admit it, we say on the air that we’re inaccurate. We don’t go “By the way, Barak Obama is a Muslim.” We don’t say that because its bullshit. Here’s the thing, I was listening to our show, the other day. And on the show, we’re talking about SeaQuest DSV, this is one we have not released yet.
Jeff:
It will be released by the time you hear this.
Casey:
Maybe we will, I don’t know. We have so much comedy gold here, we can’t even get it out.
Jeff:
We can’t release it all to the public at once, it’s too hilarious.
Casey:
So I listen to this clip, and I hope to god we don’t release this show because of what I’m about to say, not this show here but the show I’m referring to. We talk about the fact that James Horner wrote the music to Sneakers, which is true, because I’m usually fairly accurate about that sort of thing, I’m not totally incompetent when it comes to that, which is true. You said: “Want that his first film that he did the score for?” and I said, wanting to correct your gross misstatement, I said: “No no, I think that was like his third or fourth film.” While I was listening to this, I was like “Well, let me see, I want to go look.” Not exactly accurate, no. Prior to Sneakers, he did do, about 50 or 60 other films. 50 or 60, we’re off a little bit. But maybe you’re saying to yourself “Well, but they were probably just all random shitty movies whatever, movies that no one’s heard of, 3 or 4 big movies let say.”
Jeff:
We had Titanic. I think that was the only one we had him do.
Casey:
But that’s after Sneakers, so that’s fine. Now, Wrath of Kahn, 48 Hours, Willow, The Rocketeer, Commando, Project X, An American Tail, Cocoon, The Land Before Time, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Field of Dreams, Class Action, Patriot Games. All of these are before Sneakers and we’re like “Yeah, I think its his first film, No No, his third or fourth film.
Jeff:
I prefer to look at it like this; really who cares about the music in the movie. It really just doesn’t matter. Turn it down. You know what? Enjoy the movie; look at the special effects, people. We don’t need to listen to the music.
Casey:
I just wanted to point out, apologize to James Horner, maybe we just won’t ever air that show and be fine but if we do, that was pretty bad.
Jeff:
Fuck Horner. He hasn’t done anything good since Sneakers.
Casey:
He probably hasn’t scored any movies since Sneakers at all.
Jeff:
Yeah, probably one or two. Fucker.
Casey:
On to the meat, if you will, of this podcast, and I will. We got a link sent in from Petri Purho, the author of Crayon Physics Deluxe, who many of you have probably played.
Jeff:
Was the link drawn in crayon and interactive.
Casey:
No it wasn’t and interactive physical link.
Jeff:
You turn the H over and it knocks the two Ts over into the P which causes the thing to go to the internet.
Casey:
Exactly. He sent us a link because being a long time listener; he knows that we have in the past discussed the potential problems that could come from sex toys taking over the world. Would there be a penis massage robot invented someday, if there was could it go horribly wrong, these sorts of things.
Jeff:
Well how long would it take before it went horribly wrong because it’s going to go horribly wrong.
Casey:
Keeping with that trend, he sent us a link to a product called the Autoblow.
Jeff:
The Autoblow. OK. And this is something for Jonathan Blow?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Oh. My bad.
Casey:
This is something that is its name.
Jeff:
Because they are both in the Indie game thing so maybe I thought it was something that will dissect your game, and tell you how Indie it is. OK. But no, that’s not what this is.
Casey:
The Autoblow would only be if John’s game was called B Raid. And B stood for something that’s not exactly clean. The Autoblow is exactly what it sounds like OK? And I will read you the marketing text on the page just for the listeners at home so they’re clear on what we’re talking about here.
Jeff:
OK.
Casey:
The male sex toy of the future, now.
Jeff:
The male sex toy?
Casey:
The male sex toy of the future, now. Now why people use this construction, if something is from the future and you can get it now, that means that it’s not from the future. It’s kind of like one of those auto antonyms right?
Jeff:
Well unless you fucked the machine so hard that its gone back in time.
Casey:
But that’s still from the present. That’s why we have the concept of past present and future is because things you have now, are by definition, not from the future. This is one of those things when someone comes back and says “I’m from the future.” They don’t mean that in the since of “I’m in the future, I’m futuristic” what they mean is “That’s where they just were.” So maybe if you are trying to convince me that this toy was in the future, and gotten in a Delorean at 88 miles per hour and magically ended up at the clock tower, fine. Appropriate use of grammar. But if you’re just trying to tell me that “It is advanced.” Then just say that it is an advanced sex toy. Similarly, space age sex toy? Space age started in 1950, so that could be anything. That could be a bum paddle.
Jeff:
Well usually when you say “space age” now, its retro.
Casey:
Freeze dried ice cream.
Jeff:
So the space age male sex toy, I don’t want to get anywhere near that.
Casey:
Because that’s got pulleys and leavers and cranks.
Jeff:
Exactly, we’ve talked about the Victorian model.
Casey:
Run the hand crank first to get it started, then the sex toys running. Now here’s the interesting thing about sex toys from the 1950s, like an Autoblow from the 50s. You’d have to start out in front of the sex toy to get it going. Then you run around before it putters out and takes off, or runs away or whatever, and you kind of mount the sex toy from the normal mounting position once it’s actually going.
Jeff:
The missionary position if you will. I thought that you just meant that it was solid fuel based versus propellant based.
Casey:
Back to the Autoblow.
Jeff:
Of the present.
Casey:
“The future of adult sex toys has arrived and a realistic robot blow job is now a reality.” Couple things about that; the sentence implies that previous robotic blow jobs were lacking some authenticity right?
Jeff:
Well I’m sure we can probably find a forum somewhere that had had ratings. “This didn’t feel real at all.” “No this didn’t feel anything like a mouth, this felt like a vacuum”
Casey:
What were they using for a comparison is the other thing that I’m wondering right?
Jeff:
Oh, of like what was before? That’s Suzy in the office pool. She’s got the worst job in the whole company. You know what, we don’t remember what this was like, we need a control group.
Casey:
Awesome. That’s a good point. Who are the beta testers? How do you sign up for that? What do you post where they’re like: “We need testers for the automated blow job robot.”
Jeff:
I don’t know but I’ll bet it’s on Craigslist and they get 100 people.
Casey:
They get 100 responses like “I’m on that.”
Jeff:
No gay shit, just come on down.
Casey:
Just all robot on penis action. “It’s time to take your cheap mail masturbation toys out of the closet and throw them in the garbage.” Not donate them to charity.
Jeff:
No. Not Goodwill
Casey:
Not Goodwill, not save them for when the robotic blow job machine breaks down and you need to go back to the old fashioned hand crank. Just throw them out.
Jeff:
Toss ‘em away. That’s how reliable the new system is.
Casey:
And it’s authentic. You’re not gonna be able to go back to this inauthentic robotic blowjob once you’ve had the authentic kind from the Autoblow.
Jeff:
I’ve been spoiled.
Casey:
You’ve been spoiled. The Autoblow is not merely another male sex toy. It is a very real advancement in sex toy technology available at a very reasonable price.
Jeff:
Well I don’t want to get ripped off right?
Casey:
Now, I don’t want to sound like a sex toy novice, I don’t want to give away my hand here, but I don’t have an opinion.
Jeff:
Well if you give away your hand that’s your old technique right? So be careful because you’ve gotta save that for later.
Casey:
Well all I’m trying to say is in my head, if you offer me a robotic blow job, I don’t actually have a preconceived price for that. When I go shopping for some exotic fruit, I’m not sure if I’m getting ripped off. Is it $3.99 a pound? Is it $1.99 a pound? I have no idea.
Jeff:
You have no basis for comparison.
Casey:
I have no basis right?
Jeff:
If somebody comes up and says: “I have a robot that’s going to blow you” what would you pay for that?
Casey:
I’d be like “Sorry, I have no idea.” I’ve never paid for a blow job before. I don’t even have a basis if a human comes up to me. If I’m in some town outside of Las Vegas, and they’re like “Its X dollars for a blowjob.” I’m like “Is that a good deal?” I have no idea. I’m unprepared for that eventuality.
Jeff:
Well now you can say “Well what would a robot charge me?” And the comparison, I don’t know if it’s more or less.
Casey:
I’d be like “I can get this at home from my robot for $15 dollars so this is bullshit.”
Jeff:
But every time I use it, the average price goes down.
Casey:
That’s right. Its amortized, what are you preparing to do? Are you prepared to blow me a second time for half price? That’s what I want to know. Because otherwise, this whole thing is shot. This whole deal is dead before it starts.
Jeff:
It’s a rip-off. It’s a huge scam.
Casey:
Anyway. “Other male sex toys exist, but none, including the Fleshlight, offer the hands free convenience of the Autoblow’s mechanical sucking feature.”
Jeff:
Ah, I see. So hands free, I’m assuming the machine has sufficient suction to remain stuck to you.
Casey:
That is the first terrifying part of the products features thus far. Meaning that at least, although we have not conclusively demonstrated that you could not pull it off if you needed to , we know that it will not come off on its own. That’s a problem right there in my mind. Positive pressure, not what I wanted to hear about my blowjob device. I’m fine holding it on there. You know what? I don’t need to have my hands behind my head or something. I’m totally comfortable keeping that on there if it means that it will just slide off if something goes horribly wrong.
Jeff:
If you pass out, you don’t want that just going to town. Four hours later they find you.
Casey:
Oh Casey Muratori, Age 32, died of a priapism, found in his home, it very tragic, still had a robotic blowjob machine attached to his penis.
Jeff:
You’d want it to fall off. There’s this really awkward part at the funeral where there’s this weird cylindrical device in the casket.
Jeff:
You would just be a husk, because it sucked every bit of moisture out of your entire body.
Casey:
No, I’m picturing more like the casket has the head part open, and there’s one part of the crotch also open because they couldn’t close it down over the robotic blow job device.
Jeff:
Well the think I also think about that Is, so we’ve had nuclear fission now for what, 40 years?
Casey:
Well uncontrolled nuclear fission for 80, but what do you mean?
Jeff:
What I mean is the initial ones, like the big reactors, have active cooling systems, and if those fail, they go critical. They can go critical to the point where you can no longer control them. You don’t have sufficient cooling.
Casey:
This is why poorly designed nuclear reactors have it so that if the power fails the control rods drop out of the chamber where as well designed ones, they drop into the chamber.
Jeff:
The new Japanese ones are like as big as a refrigerator, operate solely on gravity. If the power fails, they fall down and the reaction stops. I want that same thinking.
Casey:
in my automated blowjob robot. Absolutely.
Jeff:
We don’t want that.
Casey:
The default should not be more sucking. The default should be less.
Jeff:
And if it’s a problem, if I want to go hands free, you know what? I will stack some things up to hold it in place. I don’t need this to suck that hard.
Casey:
Lets go hardcore. I’m just gonna go hardcore right here. I want my Autoblow to have one of those hand switches like in speed. OK? I want a fucking suicide bomber hand switch were if I am no longer able.
Jeff:
A kill switch, a dead-man’s switch.
Casey:
A dead-man’s switch. If I can’t keep pressure on my hand switch, the blowjob stops. That is a requirement as far as I’m concerned.
Jeff:
All right, dead-man’s switch.
Casey:
Absolutely, dead-man’s switch. I don’t see that listed anywhere on here.
Jeff:
And we should look into the Fleshlight, maybe that’s built in.
Casey:
Now the Fleshlight doesn’t have hands free convenience, so as far as I’m concerned that might be a plus. I don’t know what the hell Fleshlight means exactly, does it glow or something? We should look this up.
Jeff:
I believe the Fleshlight is kind of like a vag in a box. It’s like a little tiny thing that on the end of a flashlight. I think it lights up so it’s warm. I think that’s the action.
Casey:
OK, I don’t want to know why you know this, I’ll just say “OK” and move on. “Simply lube up, slide in, and turn it on. Within minutes the spring loaded beads wrapped around the silicone sleeve will give you the real sensation of a skillfully executed blowjob. When you’re ready to blast, just do it. It can’t complain, no fancy dinners, no carrying its purse, no PMS. ”
Jeff:
Those are all the advantages.
Casey:
That is what it says. That is what it says on the site.
Jeff:
I see. OK if we address these, what was the first one, let’s address them one at a time.
Casey:
It can’t complain.
Jeff:
It can’t complain. I’m assuming what they are worried about is, the women not having enough notice that you are about to complete the process as it were.
Casey:
Apparently yes. The Adequate notice was not given. Notice was not served.
Jeff:
Well, in legal terms, there is explicit contract items and implicit right?
Casey:
First party to the blow job.
Jeff:
I would argue that upon giving a blowjob, you give up your right to be surprised at the completion of that blowjob. That’s gonna happen. It’s a matter of when, and I don’t really think you have the right to complain. You just have to be prepared. As the person giving that, your only job is to be prepared really because the guy.
Casey:
I disagree with you. And here’s why: during this legal transaction as you called it, the party preforming the oral sex actually has a number of things to do. The party receiving the blowjob doesn’t have anything to do except warn the other person, which they are in a better position to do by the way.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s true. But I would say that you can’t really be surprised.
Casey:
The party receiving the blowjob, hereto referred to as “the guy”, should fucking say something just in case its relevant. She can ignore it if she wants to, there should be notice given. Notice should be posted, right?
Jeff:
Like, something stapled to the wall.
Casey:
Whatever, yeah exactly.
Jeff:
Its time. OK if you don’t want to give that warning, you should look at the Autoblow. That’s what we’re saying. What’s the next one?
Casey:
Let’s address the next one because this is really a thing. No fancy dinners, and the one I really want to get to is no carrying its purse. I’ll just get this out there right now because I’ve already established on the podcast that I’m a ludicrous freak so I really don’t have anything to lose at this point, I’ll just get this out there right away. Blowjobs, I don’t give a shit about blowjobs. Period.
Jeff:
You can take or leave them. OK
Casey:
I really don’t give a shit about them. They are so uninteresting to me OK. But, from everything I can possibly gather in the world that I’ve ever heard, guys in general are a fan. It’s considered a good thing to get. They like this, it’s good.
Jeff:
There’s negotiation.
Casey:
If carrying a purse is all it takes to get a blowjob, why are you complaining?
Jeff:
I mean at this point you really want to say “Look guys, suck it up” so to speak, “and carry the purse. ” If that’s what it took.
Casey:
I can’t imagine “you know what, I guess I could have had a blow job tonight, but I was like, if I have to carry one more purse for this blowjob, then I’m just out. I’ll go get a robot for that job.” Is that possibly even ever the case?
Jeff:
To me what that sounds like is the copywriter for this ad got a little to specific. He’s writing the features down.
Casey:
Don’t bother with trying to please your women, just go for the robotic blowjob. But he was like, listing the things that he doesn’t like in his relationship. Like “She always makes me carry her purse” Your just like “Oh shut the fuck up” you big whining piece of shit.
Jeff:
Take the purse.
Casey:
No carrying her purse, No PMS.
Jeff:
And that’s not meaning, the person receiving the blowjob. That means the robot is never going to come up with an excuse. Now, it’s my understanding that the blowjob probably first came about during these PMS times of the relationship. So really, I don’t know, I would say you probably wand the Fleshbot occasionally, oh wait no, what’s it called? The Autoblow to occasionally say “Look, I’m sorry, I can’t help you this time, but next time is gonna be awesome.”
Casey:
Here’s the thing. Let’s just get this out there, and this has nothing to do with the PMS part of it necessarily but it goes along with what you’re saying. If my robot is always willing to blow me, does that cheapen the blowjob? It’s not special. It’s not special anymore
Jeff:
If there’s one thing we’ve learned, its random reinforcement.
Casey:
It should only blow you sometimes.
Jeff:
You turn it on, and sometimes it’s like PMS and it won’t turn on.
Casey:
“I don’t want to blow you”
Jeff:
“Tough it out, you didn’t carry my purse.” It will make up something. Those are the steps towards machine intelligence. Because if you have a machine that just puts out at all times, there’s no challenge, you’re not gonna like the robot.
Casey:
You’re not gonna mistake that for a real human.
Jeff:
Robot one is gonna put out all the time and you are gonna become tired of it.
Casey:
Not alluring, not special.
Jeff:
Not at all. You’re not gonna do anything with that robot. You’re not taking her home to meet mom. Robot two is that they are going to add some, first off, inhibitions, things that it just won’t do, and it will have active defense systems to prevent those things from being don’t to it. Probably even when the powers out, you think you’re safe, you go for it, no, big surprise. So that will be the second stage. The third or fourth stage are going to be robots that are actively hostile to you plenty of the time. That just actually start out liking you, and then eventually don’t anymore. And the Japanese are on that.
Casey:
You need potential for the robot to actually actively dislike you and get rid of you before its actually.
Jeff:
Before you are gonna be able to completely commit to it.
Casey:
Exactly, tough love
Jeff:
Well there’s one other thing in that ad that’s amazing, and that is the bottom.
Casey:
I’m not done with the text.
Jeff:
you have more? Keep going.
Casey:
The final paragraph says “with two different versions to fit cocks both large and small” so apparently cocks come in two sizes; large and small.
Jeff:
You know what they’re doing there? They have one version, they say they have two.
Casey:
So you can order large if you want to.
Jeff:
They’ll sell more, so everyone can order the large. It’s this strange thing; we’ve never sold a small one.
Casey:
“It is the best and most user friendly male sex toy on the market.” Now user friendly for a sex toy, that’s pretty interesting. Because I mean did Microsoft ship a sex toy thing? Where is the bad UI sex toy right?
Jeff:
Well my thing is; these are male sex toys. You don’t need to be user friendly, you don’t need those beads, you don’t need the circular motion, you don’t need the pneumatic, you don’t need the suction, you don’t need the lube.
Casey:
You need a hole.
Jeff:
You need a hole. And that’s enough for a guy.
Casey:
No, that’s not just enough for a guy, that’s enough for a male of any species.
Jeff:
That’s true. As Ryan proved to us with his links of animals humping other species.
Casey:
Other inappropriate species, as long as there’s a hole, it’s done. They are good to go. “Technology has brought people untold advancements in every aspect of life. We can drive cars, fly airplanes, and explore the internet. The technological advancements in male sex toys of this decade is the Autoblow. Guys, the future has arrived and the search for the perfect sex toy for men has ended. You have found the Autoblow.” So in their mind, in the people who made this device, they consider the Wright brothers to be roughly on the same level of ingenuity as a cylinder that wraps around your cock for a minute. That’s where they are at on their delusions of grandeur. Just in case anyone is concerned right, OK? Ferdinand Porsche, the Wright brothers, the dude who invented the Autoblow.
Jeff:
Right on the same level.
Casey:
Oh and I’m sorry, and Xerox PARC.
Jeff:
What was the last one?
Casey:
Exploring the internet.
Jeff:
OK so we wanted to get all of them in there. Well I would have to say exploring the internets is probably the same as using the Autoblow. At least for 90% of my time on the internet
Casey:
The end result is the same.
Jeff:
But certainly I would have to say that I would imagine that the amount of technology in the Autoblow is roughly equivalent to the technology that’s in your cigarette lighter right? So really, you have a hole, it has electricity in it, and it heats up, right? That’s all that the Autoblow is. So let’s bring it on back guys. You are going a little bit overboard. Cause you don’t want to blow our load on this first ad.
Casey:
Here’s what I’m interested in. The internet and the Autoblow seem like inverse technologies to me. The internet was something that was designed to disseminate information among researchers and ended up being used for porn primarily. The Autoblow is something that’s designed for porn primarily so what I’m wondering is, will it eventually be used to disseminate information. Will people find a way to use the Autoblow primarily for some other purpose that advances mankind.
Jeff:
Well if it’s a modern device I would assume that it has a USB plug in and also some storage. So basically what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna use the Autoblow for the first couple weeks, you’re gonna get tired because it always puts out.
Casey:
Yup we’ve established that.
Jeff:
And then pretty soon it’s just gonna be your USB device for pairing video files. And you go to somebody and they say “Oh, I saw this show last night, it was awesome” you’re like “Look, can you put it on my USB card” and you hand them the Autoblow. Were just going to be used to it, it’s gonna be no problem.
Casey:
Maybe you can change it to massage your penis in some kind of a Morse code. So you’re actually learning during this process. It like “oh I went through all the classics, I went through the Guttenberg Project on my penis.”
Jeff:
Well it probably has an MP3 player. Because that’s just built into most of them. So you just plug some earphones into the end of the Autoblow and then listen to some music on the airplane.
Casey:
It blows a little tune.
Jeff:
Whistles me a tune. Well, the last thing on that page is the user testimonials and there’s some craziness there. The thing that I wonder is, and this applies directly to us in a way, is you think that you do something and its awesome, and then you get feedback from people that say “Hey, I really like the thing.” I think what the Autoblow tells us is somebody out there is going to email you no matter what you put out.
Casey:
Kind of like this podcast
Jeff:
Right, that’s what I’m getting at. If you wrote the worst Star Trek fan fiction in the world, someone’s gonna say “Oh, that’s awesome” right. So the fact that these guys write into the Autoblow just reinforces the fact that like, put something out there because you are gonna feel better about yourself, somebody’s gonna dig it.
Casey:
Which begs the question I’m sure Jeff, what are some of these things that people are writing in? Well let me tell you.
Jeff:
Read a few of those.
Casey:
Steve from Los Angeles says: “Just like a real blowjob, but it doesn’t cost so much.” Good to know.
Jeff:
Steve from where?
Casey:
Steve from Los Angeles. Kind of a popular place for that, kind of a pricing structure I’m sure.
Jeff:
If your name was somewhat unique and you called in from Los Angeles, I think you would be speaking to some people right now. So its probably good that you have a very generic name.
Casey:
Probably true. And the people you would be speaking to, Jeff is not referring to the authorities, he’s referring to Hugh Grant, who would be asking you where you got.
Jeff:
Where did you pick that up, it went totally wrong for me.
Casey:
“I have not shot a load like this in years. I will bring it to city hall and see if I can get married to it next week. Thank you for how you have improved my life. Degan Fitzwilliam, Tunbridge Wells, UK.”
Jeff:
OK, we just got done saying, Steve was thinking ahead. What’s his name?
Casey:
Degan Fitzwillliam, from Tunbridge Wells, near Cheswick on the Vale, St Johns on the vale. Yeah, he’s got the zymoscope and the Autoblow hooked up simultaneously.
Jeff:
I think he thought he’d write in, he was happy with what happened. He didn’t think his letter would be posted on the homepage for the product. He’s paying a price now. His Fiancé is reading this and going “What the fuck!”
Casey:
You are assuming Deagn Fitzwilliam is all a real name.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s a real name.
Casey:
You think so? How about Jeff from Carbondale Illinois who says something that I am unable to actually parse. “Just picked up one of each, glad I did. I won’t be sex toy shopping for a while.” One of each what? A small and a large? That’s the only thing I see on here. Am I missing something on the product page? Let me see here, products.
Jeff:
I put one on every finger.
Casey:
Ah-ha. There are two Autoblows Jeff.
Jeff:
Oh my god I did not know this. Is there an Autoblow lite?
Casey:
Therese the Autoblow blast, which is “our bestselling unit, It’s a real sucking machine. It features a thin silicon sleeve allowing the mechanical beads to make nearly direct contact with you cock. Using the variable speed controller you decide how fast you want to come. While some of our customers report reaching orgasm in as few as 3 minutes, 5 to 10 minutes seem more realistic.” So apparently they are collecting data. Time to orgasm.
Jeff:
Well, when they plug the USB device into the computer, it pops up one of those things, you know when your computer crashes, if you want to send the data to Microsoft, “Don’t send/ Send”?
Casey:
Orgasm detected. Do you want to send it to Autoblow.
Jeff:
Inc. right? Now if the Autoblow software crashes.
Casey:
You must be connected to the internet.
Jeff:
Read the message box carefully. Because its formatted very similar to the Microsoft one, so if the Autoblow software crashes, you might think it’s the Autoblow software asking and you want to send in the orgasm data to Autoblow because it produces better software. You can get firmware downloads. FIRMware, Firm — firmware downloads. And so you want to send that it. You don’t want to send that data to Microsoft.
Casey:
Look who’s running the Autoblow. They have a big ol’ list of every IP address that’s been Autoblow-ing.
Jeff:
And then you go on Bing, and all your search shit is all “Buy an Autoblow” You don’t want to do that.
Casey:
Or you do.
Jeff:
Well yeah maybe. OK what’s the other one?
Casey:
Well wait a seconds, were not finished here. “The futuristic male sex toy will fit nearly all cock sizes but if you are more than 6.5” in circumference, go with the Autoblow Max. If you just can’t choose what model is best for you, you can buy both and save.“ So that must be what he was talking about. You can buy both for $164.95.
Jeff:
Well you know how sometimes all clothes don’t fit a person the same way, and you go in for alterations. What you really want to probably get is the Autoblow that is closest to your size, and then go to the local mechanic and say “Um, you see this? Can you put it in your spreader?”
Casey:
Well it’s much like getting custom Orthotics. Really what I want to do is go to the doctor and have them make a plaster mold of my cock so they can actually make the inside of the Autoblow conform to me perfectly. Obviously that’s the right thing to do, that’s what we do for everything else. It’s like making cast right?
Jeff:
Exactly because I don’t know, I don’t think the measuring technology is good enough for quarter inch accuracy. That’s the other problem that I’m looking at is, look, the tape measurer, you have to figure out 3/8ths and 5/16ths is very confusing.
Casey:
It’s not a bra OK? You can’t take a measurement at the base the middle and the tip and expect to have that just capture all of the information. We need a full scanning process here. OK “The Autoblow Max can make you cum with or without its robotic sucking feature. If you are in the mood for physical labor, you can fuck the mouth like silicon sleeve, similar to the Fleshlight.” So we are getting more clues about this magical Fleshlight. “Or if you want to relax, just fill the mouth with your cock, and turn on the robotic sucking feature. Beats a pocket pussy any day.” Now this is the first time I’ve seen the pocket pussy referenced. I’ve heard about this Fleshlight thing. Pocket pussy, I don’t know what that is. They haven’t mentioned that at all, they need more information about these competing products.
Jeff:
This is not the way it should go. This is a virgining market. There’s products we can’t keep up with anymore, there’s too many on the market. It’s confusing for the consumer.
Casey:
Absolutely, choice fatigue.
Jeff:
This is exactly what David Lee Roth was talking about.
Casey:
I know when I go on the internet, now I have to know the circumference of my own cock. Just to purchase a robotic blowjob machine, I’ve got to know the circumference of my own cock. How do I know that? I don’t have that piece of information. They don’t give me that at the doctor’s office when I go in. They’ve never measured that. Is it when its limp or when its erect? I don’t know that either, it doesn’t specify
Jeff:
Well the Drobo site, if you go to Drobo, they have a little flash thing, a flash application called the Drobulator, that allows you to drag had drives into a picture of a Drobo to tell you how much storage space you have after RAIDing. So maybe they need such a thing for measuring, you know, the cockulator, and then.s
Casey:
If I was putting up this site. Just because I’m a dick, what I would probably do is say: “In order for us to properly size your Autoblow Max, please send us a scan of your penis against this sizing chart which you should print out, and we will look at that” and all they do is post all those photos. Just have a fucking feed that’s like “here’s all the peoples cocks on the sizing chart background.”
Jeff:
Do you remember that story from a couple years ago, that dude who did that. The evilest dude probably in the known internet?
Casey:
Oh the Craigslist guy who posted all the photos?
Jeff:
Yes, he was in Kirkland. He lived here in Kirkland. And he was one of the evilest guys in the universe.
Casey:
That was pretty evil. I do remember reading about that.
Jeff:
Oh my god. That is not the way it should go.
Casey:
So there’s the Autoblow for anyone who’s interested.
Jeff:
Again, I don’t understand that. I don’t want anything with electronics anywhere near me. Keep it away.
Casey:
Oh dear. I guess we didn’t get to this part. There’s [music in background]
Jeff:
What is that music?
Casey:
OK. I am shutting this off right now. It turns out there is a button for demo videos.
Jeff:
Oh my god.
Casey:
And, it is exactly what you think it is. It is a video of someone using the Autoblow. Unacceptable.
Jeff:
Apparently to techno music because when you started it, it was like “de-du-de-du-de-du” Like Chemical Brothers
Casey:
Here’s another thing. At the top of this page, this company is just all aces as far as I can tell. At the top of this page it has a rainbow logo, and it says: “Gay? Click here.” Let’s see what happens when we click there. OK all they have done is change the backdrop from a girl giving a guy a blowjob to a guy giving a guy a blowjob. Well done. Way to cover all your bases there. Unreal.
Jeff:
Look, you’re selling to guys’ right? Guys are dogs, you just go to give ‘em the slightest reason and you don’t want to turn them away. They don’t want to invasion a women. That’s a rough page.
Casey:
I’m spent. I’m spent after the Autoblow.
Jeff:
You need a nap.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, I’m gonna go to sleep.
Jeff:
Alright everybody. We’ve beat this one to death.
Jeff:
>Ba-dum-bum-crashAlright, send us an email. Who did this link come to us from?
Casey:
Petri Perho.
Jeff:
Right, who looked us up. We get the ideas from you, which means, keep sending us links. We got lots of links and we want to say “Thank You” to everybody.
Casey:
Go ahead and email us at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com or just go to jeffandcaseyshow.com and there’s links for Facebook and Twitter and all that crap. Do whatever you want.
Jeff:
Search for the Jeff and Casey Show on Facebook, become a fan, whatever.
Casey:
Help us help you.
Jeff:
Right, and we do. You can follow on Twitter to let you know when we have new shows. Also if you are fan of the Jeff and Casey Show, if you become a fan, when we post a new show it lets you know that there’s a new one.
Casey:
It should let you know on Facebook as well.
Jeff:
So you never miss an episode.
Casey:
It’s all good. It’s everywhere. It’s everywhere you want to be.
Jeff:
The Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Alright everybody, see you next week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 6
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