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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Sanctity of a Flesh-based Marriage
"I just did all this work to figure out which character from Twilight I am, and I want the world to know."
Original air date: June 14th, 2009
Topics. Powerless Jeff. Facebook. Quizzes. Robots. Aliens. Hot girl quiz. Twilight. Profile pictures. Caricatures. Christians.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody! And welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Jeff:
Another Sunday afternoon podcast. They’re hearing this distant, apart, and yet, were doing them just back to back.
Casey:
We don’t know though, because we said we might post two.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
We will never know until you edit the MP3s together and ship them, how you will choose to do it.
Jeff:
Well I will cut them up and then it will be up to you to decide when to disperse them.
Casey:
Oh I will decide. I have the power?
Jeff:
I have the power to post. You don’t trust me.
Casey:
Would you trust you if you were me, would you trust you?!
Jeff:
Yes! I would post the most awesome stuff in the universe.
Casey:
You would post, like; I have seen what happens on your Facebook. You post all this random shit
Jeff:
Oh fucking Facebook. What is the deal with Facebook? You made me get Facebook.
Casey:
You love it.
Jeff:
No I don’t love it. You made me get it for the show.
Casey:
No that’s not true. I didn’t make you get it. You said, “I wanna be an admin of the Jeff and Casey Show group on Facebook.” I said, “You have to create an account for that.”
Jeff:
And I said I have a made up one. That I look at other peoples shit with and you said “I wanna use that.”
Casey:
But I don’t want you to use this bogus bullshit account. I’m not gonna make Peter Cook, whoever the fuck that is. I’m not gonna make him an admin on the Facebook account. Jeff Roberts should be the admin of a Jeff and Casey Show Facebook account because that’s who it is. It’s the Jeff and Casey Show. You’re Jeff; it’s not the “Casey Peter Show” whatever the fuck.
Jeff:
Here’s what’s creepy. I signed up for Facebook and apparently, all the people that have been on Facebook for years now, they like, friend their address book. So when I log in its like I’m pounced by all these people.
Casey:
Oh, it’s the crush of popularity.
Jeff:
No, its not that at all.
Casey:
It’s like “Oh my god, all my friends. I can’t deal with all these friends I have. I’m gonna have to move to another country cause I’m to friended here.”
Jeff:
Stop it! Its not that. Tell me this; what is the deal with the quizzes? There are quizzes going on.
Casey:
I see Bonnie Chens [sp] quizzes all the time.
Jeff:
Bonnie works the quizzes. Bonnies like a 1:34, 1:36. She kind of goes on a bender. At about 1:00 in the morning, its quiz time.
Casey:
Who is taking all these quizzes?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Are there tons of high school teacher out there who are retired now. They’re like 70 years old and they’re like “I’m used to making a quiz every Friday.” And they’re on Facebook making up quizzes.
Jeff:
Its summer time and they’re doing the quizzes. Like “Pop quiz motherfuckers!” And then they don’t get the satisfaction of screwing everybody.
Casey:
“’F’! Everyone gets an ‘F’!”
Jeff:
Well here’s what happened to me recently with a quiz. This is my embarrassing story. Bonnie had answered a quiz of “Should gay marriage be legalized?” And I’m like, I’m gonna go there and just see what the ratings are to see how angry I should be at the world right? Because there shouldn’t be a quiz. This is ridiculous that this is a quiz. Like, “Should the sun rise?” Yes, I think that would be a good idea. “Should gay they be able to get married?” I don’t know can anybody else? Yes! There’s no other thing to ask! Everything else is retarded!
Casey:
Let me just interrupt your story for a second here. It’s an interesting thought experiment to try and figure out what it is Christians are going to be opposed to. Eventually, I’m assuming that since the world eventually usually gets over shit, like slavery or whatever the fuck, eventually they’re like “That was a bad idea. Sorry about that.” What’s gonna be after abortion and gay marriage? Cause that’s what they’re riding on right now. If 100 years from now abortion and gay marriage are like settled, people just aren’t thinking, it’s not in their head anymore; they’ve picked an answer to those questions and were just living with it or whatever. What’s it gonna be. What are Christians gonna be so pissed off about? What’s it gonna be? It’s gonna be something, they’re never gonna shut the fuck up. What’s it gonna be? The internet? I don’t know.
Jeff:
First stage is: people fucking computers. People fucking robots.
Casey:
Robot fuckers. Robot marriage. The sanctity of flesh to flesh marriage.
Jeff:
We don’t care if they’re gay. We just don’t want them fucking electronics. Because that is ruining the sanctity of our flesh based marriage.
Casey:
The sanctity of flesh based marriage. Leviticus 12:13 clearly says;
Jeff:
“Thou shall not lay with the machines of the field.”
Casey:
“Thou shall spilt thy seed with a false metallic idol,” or something. Because they don’t have robots in the bible.
Jeff:
So that will be first. And obviously the next thing is aliens. You can’t fuck the aliens. That’s next, of course. Because Jesus didn’t make the aliens, they’re from somewhere else. You’re not supposed to do that, they even look sort of satanic. Like what the fuck are you doing? So that’s the next 200 years.
Casey:
You have to remember the bible story of Sodom and Gomorrah 13. Somewhere out in the Orion nebula.
Jeff:
There’s plenty. They’ll just be the next thing.
Casey:
But I wasn’t saying “Oh, they can’t think of anything” I know they’re gonna, you’ve done a fabulous job actually, that was great. That’s perfect. You’re probably totally right.
Jeff:
So I go to that site just hoping, that with internet people in general.
Casey:
Maybe they’re more progressive because they can fucking figure out how to use a computer, which requires some intelligence, so maybe you’d think gay marriage is legal at that point.
Jeff:
So I go to that and it doesn’t list results. It doesn’t even list results.
Casey:
Why not?
Jeff:
I don’t know. Maybe you have to vote to get the result, I don’t know. I’m just like “Fuck it.” I don’t care.
Casey:
Because maybe, you said it was a quiz. And I guess a quiz doesn’t have a result. Maybe it doesn’t store results. It’s not a poll, it’s just a quiz.
Jeff:
It’s like a way to tell other people what you believe or something, I don’t know. So anyway I’m on that page and am like, “This is really stupid.” And then I notice, in my peripheral vision, cause its way over on the right of my screen, there’s anther quiz.
Casey:
I’ve never looked at quiz. Is there a related quiz list?
Jeff:
Some quizzes. And the quiz was “Which one is hotter?” And I don’t think I resisted that much, so I clicked on that quiz. And the quiz is, it shows two girls.
Casey:
From Facebook, or just arbitrary?
Jeff:
I don’t know. It doesn’t explain.
Casey:
That’s the mystery of it. That’s part of the allure. I don’t even know. I’m being presented with two random specimens, and I am determining which one is hotter.
Jeff:
Now it is interesting that, the awesomeness that is Facebook, which we can talk about in a minute, these guys are “Oh my goodness” they are awesome. In the quiz of which one is hotter, the buttons are labeled “yes” and “no”. Because they don’t change.
Casey:
So it’s kind of like playing “Hot or Not” with two Russian exchange students. “I am for the hotter” yes no? Uh, wait a minute, I don’t know.
Jeff:
So what they let you do is on the yes button and the no button, they let you put a picture on each ting. Now they don’t resize the fucking buttons, so the picture was about the same size as an icon. Like 16 by 16. So I’m looking at it trying to go, “I don’t know which ones hotter.” And then I’m like, “I don’t want to vote, that’s retarded.” But I want to see the hot girl. I want to see the hotness. So I guess if I click on the picture, it would zoom the picture. So I click on it and it goes “Jeff has voted on who is hotter” And I’m like, “Noooooooooooo” Because I figure that’s gonna be right on my front page, and they’re gonna be like “Jeff goes around doing hot quizzes.” So I’m “Fuck me! How do I undo it?”
Casey:
But why do you care? You’re telling people on the air right now!
Jeff:
Yes because I can explain it.
Casey:
Explain what? What are you gonna explain?
Jeff:
I explain like, I dint mean to do it!
Casey:
But you did! You did mean to take the quiz!
Jeff:
I didn’t mean to take the quiz! There’s something way more pathetic about taking the quiz. Like, I’m not invested in which ones hotter. I want to see hot girls, which no person doesn’t want to see hot girls, that’s understood.
Casey:
Wait, just stop, OK? Just stop and think about what you’re saying. Think for a second. What you’re saying is, if I may paraphrase, you did not want people to think that you took the quiz, because that would be embarrassing. What you want them to think is, you took a quiz so that you could see some hot girls. Because that’s not embarrassing?!
Jeff:
Well yeah, that’s OK.
Casey:
What the fuck are you talking about!
Jeff:
And not quite paraphrasing. It’s more like, it’s OK if people think I look at hot.
Casey:
As long as my motivation was purely to see the hot girls, its fine. If my motivation was to take the quiz, then that’s all fucked up.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s it.
Casey:
Oh for fuck sake. That is a distinction that nobody who was going to judge you on you quiz taking will ever make, I guarantee you.
Jeff:
Well I was figuring like, my minds racing at this point going “Auggghhhh”. You know those stupid little Facebook indie bar that.
Casey:
“Uh, were working on it.”
Jeff:
“Posting that binary value, wooooh, wait a second, we have to lock the entire database. We’re expanding rows, were doing all kinds of stuff to put that zero in there.” Anyway, I’m like “Can I pull the plug and not get that action in there?” After a split second it’s like “Publish or skip?” So I’m like “Skip” Which means, when people post quizzes, they want you to know that they took the quiz.
Casey:
They’re hitting publish.
Jeff:
It isn’t just “I want a quiz.” Its “Let me tell you about”
Casey:
It’s like, wait a second, I just did all this work to figure out which twilight I am, I want the world to know. I want the world to know that piece of information.
Jeff:
I am dark and brooding, and I want people to know. I’m not trusting and virginal, I’m dark and brooding.
Casey:
And here’s a little really shitty image clip of that particular character that will come up with it. Its gonna be awesome. It’s gonna be on my page and it’s gonna be awesome.
Jeff:
So that was my experience with quizzes, I’m staying completely away from there.
Casey:
Let’s talk about these pictures though for a second actually because I had something I wanted to say about the picture situation. It seems to me that there are specific categories of Facebook picture.
Jeff:
Oh definitely. You’re talking about what they choose as their profile.
Casey:
The profile picture. The profile picture that you pick on Facebook, I don’t know if it necessarily says anything about you or anything like that. I don’t know if there’s any deep psychological connection there. But there definitely are distinct categories such that an automated algorithm sometime in the future would be able to cluster people by their Facebook profile selection technique. You’ve got like people who post a picture of dog or cat head.
Jeff:
That’s hopefully their animal.
Casey:
Hopefully it’s theirs, but that’s it. Nothing else in the frame, usually a dog head. Cat people often times are holding the cat. It’s rare just to have the cat going “Meow, what’s going on” Its usually me and my cat. Were together. Were on Facebook together.
Jeff:
He has his own page but this is a page we kind of both answer.
Casey:
We speak together, were together on this. When I say that I am going downstairs to get a bowl of cereal, I mean the cats going with me. We’re gonna do it together, she’s gonna have some of the milk, it’s gonna be great.
Jeff:
Bob Johnson is licking his own ass.
Casey:
That’s the dog.
Jeff:
That’s the dog or the cat, maybe. You never know. It’s kind of intriguing really.
Casey:
Actually someone should put up their cat on Facebook, I’ll put up the Manx, “looking for something to eat. Still looking for something to eat.” That whole Manx she’s a manly bite. Facebook photo types. Staying on topic.
Jeff:
Girls that take pictures of themselves with their face squashed up to another girl. Where they’re like, friends, and then you’re like, what are you going for there? Are you trying to make us think, maybe you’ll make out? Maybe if I Facebook you and then somehow we go out to dinner, you’re gonna get loaded and make out with anybody.
Casey:
You think that’s it?
Jeff:
I think there’s something sexual going on with those pictures. You’re advertising something there that you’re never gonna get. It’s false advertising by the way. You would agree that you’ve seen that a large percent of the time.
Casey:
Yes, but I didn’t think that’s what it was. This is interesting. This bares further psychological analysis.
Jeff:
I don’t think were the people for that. But, I’d be willing to do this research.
Casey:
I don’t think that’s it at all, I thought it was kind of like, you take the photo, “Oh, it’s me and the girls.” It feels less vanity oriented to them if they post a photo with them and another person, but if they post a photo of them and a guy, if they’re not together in a relationship, they feel like that’s a little strange so they want to post a photo with them and someone else, it’s gotta be a girlfriend. You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
I don’t think that’s it.
Casey:
Of course you went with the much more innocuous, they want me to think that they’re gonna have sex with me in a threesome. Which I’m sure is what they were thinking.
Jeff:
They’re not thinking it, that’s just it, they’re not thinking it, this is why they did it.
Casey:
Here’s what they were probably thinking. They were probably thinking, I hope Jeff Facebooks me, so Jeff, me, and my friend can get together. That’s probably specifically what they were thinking.
Jeff:
That’s what I’m thinking, but that’s not what they’re thinking.
Casey:
I wasn’t thinking that, but now I’m gonna think that when I go.
Jeff:
Now every time. That should have entered their mind. If that wasn’t their point.
Casey:
You think there should have been a check box, basically in the profile page. Where its, you posted a profile picture and it has a checkbox under that says like, “This profile picture is meant to have you envision us making out or not?” And you check that from a drop down box right?
Jeff:
It doesn’t really matter because even if you said “not” I’m like, you know, something might happen. You’re in there, your faces are together, you might turn away and accidently kiss. It just starts. And once you start, it’s hard to stop. It’s like a dam of water of straight heterosexuality that is cracking, and at any point, it spills out all over Jeff.
Casey:
It could flood Jeff.
Jeff:
Another thing, pictures of you with your . Kids never posting. “Hey you know I know I’ve gone downhill but look, I have kids.”
Casey:
Or similarly, a picture of you as a kid. Like a child photo of you. I don’t understand that, at all. Who does that help? I have no idea who that helps. You don’t look like that anymore. You were like five at the time. Nobody knew you then, so they’re not gonna recognize you, and they’re trying to look and see, “Is this the Chris Jones that I knew from high school? I don’t know. If I knew him when I was four, than maybe so, but I have no idea now.” I’m not sure what the deal with that is either.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I think that one is like, “Well, I’ve never had a good picture of myself taken since I was four, I’m going with that. Every other picture, whoa boy, there’s no lighting that looks good.”
Casey:
I’m gonna roll out with my personal favorite right now, the crop shop.
Jeff:
The guy halfway in frame. I’m like “This half of me is mysterious.”
Casey:
No, not the art crop shop. There was someone else in this photo and I cropped it and they’re still half fucking in it. Like their arm is still in the photo.
Jeff:
I saw one with a beard. What is that shit? It’s like an inverse beard.
Casey:
Now I realize that I’m probably being unfair to some people who have done these OK. But in my head, this is all I can think of when you do that. All I can think of is that you were so concerned about getting the shot that you thought you looked the best in, that you didn’t even give a shit about the fact that there were other people in the fucking photo. You were just like, “Yeah, this used to be a picture of me and my ex-boyfriend, or whatever the fuck, but damn I looked good, so let me see if I can just get him out of here, just cut him out of the picture.” It’s like, what the fuck people!
Jeff:
Well, the other thing that happens when they do that is, remember your yearbook pictures, how they’re careful to put people the same distance back from the camera right? And then occasional people weren’t there for their photo and then two weeks later they come in and they take the picture without the same standard.
Casey:
The backdrop is different, or the lightings different.
Jeff:
Well more importantly it’s like, head-head-head-head-head-Oh my god his head! It’s zoomed in on them right, then small-small-small. That’s what happens when you do the crop. You have all these people.
Casey:
Well it doesn’t always, that’s the best part about the crop shot is that there’s varieties. Sometimes it’s like, it’s a giant fucking face of mine because everything else in the photo was like 15 naked dudes because I was at some ridiculous party and it was out of control. I didn’t want you to see that. Other times it’s like, they kept the size of the head the same, so in order to crop it, you’re all the way over on the right, and there’s nothing else in the fucking frame on the left. Those are totally out of control.
Jeff:
I like the ones where you’re like, “Wait, that dudes way over to the right, and he’s tiny.”
Casey:
It’s awesome. I have no idea what happens there. There’s another type of shot that I call the “wonder of nature.” These shots are basically someone who’s little and tiny. There 12 pixels high, in some giant mountain scene. They’re like the explorer OK? There out in the wilderness.
Jeff:
They’ve been hiking twice, and this is one of the pictures. But they want to appeal to the outdoor type.
Casey:
They’re like, “Look at this wonderful mountain.” It would be great if its mount Fuji’s Facebook page. Unfortunately, it’s not.
Jeff:
If you look carefully, there’s a big pile of vomit where he threw up from getting too tired walking up the mountain.
Casey:
Usually there’s a lot of gear on.
Jeff:
There’s hiking boots.
Casey:
They went to REI beforehand. What else are we missing?
Jeff:
We have the faces that are artfully out of frame.
Casey:
When I said crop shot what you were thinking of was actually the artist.
Jeff:
Where you get half a little face going. Sometimes the quarter where you get the eyeball.
Casey:
Yes. There are some people, such as Gabe Newel, who have they carton version of themself.
Jeff:
We can talk about sometime, caricatures. You know how sometimes you see a little fair or whatever, people are getting little caricatures? Who sits down for that?
Casey:
I have no fucking idea.
Jeff:
“Um, yeah, can you make a picture that accentuates every flaw in my entire personal space? Can you get everything in there? I had that mole; can you make it larger and pulse? Can you do something with the paint so that it glows in the dark?” No, don’t sit down for those. You’re never going to be happy. Sometimes you see guys talk their girl into it and you’re like, “Oh, that relationship is done.”
Casey:
Well there’s one of two things that happens there. Either they’re rational people with a real quality bar in their life, in which case that relationship is over. Or they’re the kind of couple, and you know who I’m talking about here, they’re the kind of couple who’s bar for things artistic is so low that, that will be framed. That is getting hung up somewhere. “Remember when we went down to Coney Island and they drew the caricature? That was the best time.” It’s like, kill me now. Just kill me now OK? Please. Pour the hemlock in my ear. I was about to say Hamlet and I can’t remember who poured the hemlock in his ear. I remember which relationship it was, it was the king’s brother, but who the fuck was his name?
Jeff:
I think Hamlets Facebook picture would just be the hand and the skull right?
Casey:
Oh that would be awesome. Famous peoples Facebook photos. That’s gonna be a Photoshop Friday. Wouldn’t that be a great Photoshop Friday? Celebrity Facebook photos. Because you’d have to try and figure out which one of these people they are.
Jeff:
Is that a vagina. Paris Hilton.
Casey:
Well I’m thinking more like, you have, what the fucks his name? The underwater dude.
Jeff:
Aquaman? Underwater dude? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Jacques Cousteau.
Casey:
I was thinking of Jacques Cousteau, and you said Aquaman.
Jeff:
Well you said underwater man! He’s a submarine man!
Casey:
Not fictional people! I said famous people! We said Abe Lincoln, Paris Hilton, and Aquaman !?! In your world, those people exist in the same world.
Jeff:
They go to Spaggos together.
Casey:
What kind of crime to Paris Hilton fight?
Jeff:
I don’t know. The crime against gonorrhea.
Casey:
She traps it all up so no one else has to take it. I see, that’s a very valuable public service.
Jeff:
And you wondered why she’s was famous.
Casey:
I didn’t ever wonder why she was famous, to be fair.
Jeff:
Alright, well we’ve beat this to death.
Casey:
We’ve worked it.
Jeff:
Aright, again, email us.
Casey:
Topics please. Anything you would like to hear, we like having the material because frankly, we just don’t spend enough time on this show to come up with it ourselves. So podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com or catch up with us on Facebook or twitter or anywhere else you want, we are there.
Jeff:
Can you email to somebody on twitter?
Casey:
Both twitter and Facebook and even YouTube and MySpace, all the Jeff and Casey Show replicators and all that bullshit, they all have a button to get to the homepage, or an email address that you can email on there. And if they don’t, just somehow find a way to contact us.
Jeff:
We are easy to get a hold of.
Casey:
We try to be easy, because we want your topics. We want your topics. Take it easy everyone.
Jeff:
Thanks everyone, see you next week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 4
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