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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
20-Inch Screws and A 80-Foot Ladder
"What do you have for getting sewage out of carpet?"
Original air date: June 8th, 2009
Topics. Good/no-good. Shopping carts. The homeless. TVs. U-hauls. Home Depot. Therapy.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Ready?
Casey:
Oh I’m ready. I’m ready for an episode of the Jeff and Casey Show. And so are all the people at home.
Jeff:
Stop it. Ready?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello and welcome to the Jeff and Casey show on a sunny Saturday? Sunday afternoon. I don’t even know what day it is anymore to be honest with you.
Jeff:
We’re getting a little warm today. It’s heated back up here at podcast studios.
Casey:
It is indeed.
Jeff:
We’ve got the fan on, and were here for our listeners.
Casey:
We are here. We just came back from getting drinks; we got some Thai iced teas.
Jeff:
And by drinks, we don’t mean alcoholic drinks, cause that’s not how we roll.
Casey:
That is not how we roll.
Jeff:
You do not want to see that.
Casey:
Sometime we should do a drunk show. I have no idea what that would sound like. I’ve never been drunk. I’ve never been intoxicated my whole life. I don’t even know what I would be like. It’d probably be bad.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t think it would be good for either one of us. I can’t make the same claim about myself, as far as imbibing.
Casey:
How was it when you got drunk?
Jeff:
Uh, yeah that’s no good.
Casey:
Alright, moving along. So here’s a question for you Jeff, I’m just gonna throw this one out there. ‘Cause I know the listeners at home want this, they want it, they are waiting for it.
Jeff:
Waiting for what?
Casey:
So imagine for a second, just put yourself in this situation OK, you see someone pushing a shopping cart.
Jeff:
Is this a Good/No Good?
Casey:
But it is outside of the generally accepted area of where shopping carts would be used.
Jeff:
You sprung a Good/No Good right at the beginning. I had no clue.
Casey:
Where they would not be used. It’s not in the supermarket, it’s not in the parking lot, there’s just someone pushing a shopping cart, wherever the fuck. Good/No Good?
Jeff:
No Good. You either have the homeless people who have all kinds of crazy stuff in there, and there’s stuff in there that a homeless person doesn’t need right? Like a TV. They don’t have anything to plug that TV into. Why are they pushing a TV? This is how crazy America is today, our homeless people have TVs. Now they’re not flat screens, they’re taking the CRTs with them, so it’s even heavier right? I don’t know why they’re pushing that around. Maybe they find some outlet somewhere and the one station in the world.
Casey:
It’s a status symbol. Some homeless people probably have the flat screen TV right? And they’re: “Oh come over to my cart, and we’ll not watch the game from my cart because I have the 20” LCD.“
Jeff:
We won’t watch it together. In our non-home. So come over to my non place and not watch the game on my non TV. Pass the Sterno. The other thing is when people use shopping carts inappropriately, which is worse I think than the homeless people just using them to move their life. That’s a reason. But when somebody’s “You know what? Yeah, I could ‘a rented a dolly at U-Haul, but that’s 20 dollars. I can just go to the store, steal a cart.” That’s where all the wheels get fucked up by the way, is because people use them to move crazy shit. “Oh yeah, I moved my mahogany desk, I just put it on the thing and wheeled it over there.”
Casey:
Well that happens too at some places that are inappropriate. There’s places like Costco or whatever, where people buy a ridiculous amount of shit, and they have the industrial strength shopping cart. It’s like the Hummer S-2 shopping cart whatever the fuck. Doesn’t matter, they still put way too much shit on there. They can’t really move it. It’s got so much inertia it’s like an asteroid. NASA has to fucking come out with some kind of nuclear weapon to get it to shift its orbit to hit the checkout line.
Jeff:
Well they don’t really pilot it. What they do is just a series of nudges like the rockets, the little side bursts.
Casey:
Exactly. It’s like Apollo 13 right?
Jeff:
And then you over shoot and hit the candy bar. The other thing is, they have appropriate carts at Home Depot. If you’re gonna get a great big thing of plywood, they have one that you can put on there. That’s never what people do. The just get their shopping cart, and slap it on there so it’s sliding off the cart.
Casey:
About to decapitate a little kid who’s passing by.
Jeff:
its right at little kid head level, and then they drive around and it’s sliding off.
Casey:
Well, it’s an impulse buy right. I’m walking around, I bought the thumbtacks that I came here for, and all of a sudden, I go to the checkout line, there’s all this plywood. And I’m like, “you know what? I’ve been meaning to reside my cabinetry, let’s grab some of this right here and throw it on there.” Home Depot purchases are probably the least planned purchases in terms of the number of things that you probably should have thought through. Like how the fuck am I gonna put this in the car, what am I gonna do when I get home.
Jeff:
I’m gonna break this down for you. The first trip to Home Depot is 100% unplanned. The second trip is like, 50% unplanned.
Casey:
You’re just compensating for all the shit that happened.
Jeff:
You also think you know what you’re doing and then you get up there and it’s like, “Whoa nelly, were gonna pull that on back, were gonna go back, were gonna go get the impact hammer to get the cement out.” The next stage is you’re buying all these pipes because you broke through the sewage line.
Casey:
Well that’s probably what it is. You go in the first time, “Yeah, do you guys have any brown paint? I’m just looking for some brown paint.” The third time after that you’re in that day; “Do you guys rent diamond drills?” It gets out of control quickly.
Jeff:
“What do you have to get sewage out of carpet? You really don’t want to know. I need to fix this by Monday morning though or the wife is gonna kill me.” That’s how it starts, and then it’s out of control.
Casey:
Well they used to be open 24 hours a day, I remember this.
Jeff:
You and I have been there late at night.
Casey:
But for me it makes sense. For me, I’m up at all hours of the day. 4:00 AM might just be the time that I’m awake. So I used to go to Home Depot and be like, “Awesome, this is a store that actually has hours that work for my schedule.” Isn’t that wonderful.
Jeff:
‘Cause we went there buying cables or something and it was just when we happened to be up, when we needed an HDMI cable or something. The people that are there when you’re there.
Casey:
The rest of the people, not the case. They’re there because they’ve been up all day, they’re about to freeze to death in the winter because their heating is totally nonfunctional. They have no idea what to do, they’re just fucked, everything is fried, the house is on fire, it’s a disaster.
Jeff:
“I came while the fire department was taking care of that emergency, I was multi-tasking, I thought Id come here and start getting supplies to rebuild because the wife is gonna kill me.”
Casey:
“You guys have a flame retardant guarantee?”
Jeff:
Here’s the other thing, the Home Depot rents tools, why would you ever rent tools to the average American? “Yeah I need myself a router.” And you get back the router and it’s all fucked up. “What is this?” “Well I was taking out some cement.” “What! That’s not what this is for!” “Tell me now. Anyway here you go. I need a drill.”
Casey:
That’s probably not the worst part of it for them though. I mean that sucks. I’m imagining the worst part is like, the first time you go to therapy or something like this. You decide to go to a therapist because you are having indecent thoughts about your dog. You don’t want to walk into the therapist office and be, “I thought about fucking my dog today.” You start out with, “I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling down.” That’s the same shit that happens when you go to Home Depot. You don’t lead off with “I’m trying to install this chandelier in a 60 foot ceiling and I’ve never done any home repair ever before.” Instead it’s like, “Do you guys have 20 inch screw casings.”
Jeff:
You gotta get the tone of voice right. You just walk it, “Yeah, I need myself some 20 inch screws here, and an 80 foot latter ought to do it, yup” You come back and your arms in a sling.
Casey:
Even in that visit though, there’s more “What kind of threading do you need?” And you’re like, you have no idea what that is, “Let’s say” It’s always ‘let’s say’ it’s not ‘I’m trying to install a chandelier in a 60 foot celling’ “Let’s say I was gonna hang something fairly heavy from a cathedral ceiling.”
Jeff:
Because that’s the same thing as therapy right? It’s actually the same thing where you’re like, let’s say you’re doing this, is exactly equivalent to saying “Well, I’m just doing this for my friend, he has these thoughts about dogs, and they walk away and look like they’re asking for it.”
Casey:
“It feels like they’re backing into it right? And what do you do, you don’t want to leave them unsatisfied.”
Jeff:
Stop it. So that’s Home Depot. And then it just escalates till finally that last day of therapy, that 1:00 AM trip where you’re just like. “Fuck the chandelier, it’s not going there, I know that now. When it fell, it broke through the first floor. So I have a hole in my floor. Apparently, I’m on top of an Indian burial ground, when I was extracting the chandelier, I have a ghost problem. Now the ghosts, I didn’t know this, I thought they were allergic to water, that when I bought the water pipe. Nope, they’re not fazed by water, but the rest of the drywall has fallen down.”
Casey:
“To make a long story short, do you know anyone at the zoning board at this point?”
Jeff:
“Do you know somebody in the zoning board, an exorcist, and a handyman that’s cheap.”
Casey:
Here’s another thing that they could probably learn from that, start using theory techniques at the home depot. I want to see the thing when you walk through the door, there’s just a bin full of sock puppets. Oh, take the sock puppet and have the sock puppet ask the question. Sock puppet wants to know how to put in the chandelier. So you don’t have to be the dude that doesn’t know, it’s the sock puppet that doesn’t know a god dammed thing about it, who’s gonna fucking injure themselves on a ridiculously long latter that he doesn’t know how to use, with tools they don’t know how to use.
Jeff:
He’s gonna put the two sock puppets on and is gonna be like, “Oh, I want to put on a chandelier.” And the others are gonna go “Your never gonna finish that! Why do you always start projects on Sunday night?” “Shut up you bitch” “No, you always do this.” “I Just want to get out of the house” “I hate you” “I hate you too” And then the guys gonna be like, “No, I don’t think you should even start this.”
Casey:
That’s a good point. Maybe that’s why they don’t do it. They’re like, “You know what, if we just put up with these people asking their stupid round about questions, they still buy the shit. If we actually helped them to understand their actual predicament, no one would shop here.”
Jeff:
It could also be that they did tests like Microsoft does of their products, and when they were able to get what the person was actually doing, and they sold him the right product initially, they didn’t get all the sales before that.
Casey:
All the other shit that’s unrelated.
Jeff:
Yeah, if they narrowed right in on what you needed, they only got that one sale. Not only do they get that at the end, but they get all the stuff they got initially, and then broke, and then had to fix that. It’s way better. So they’re more sophisticated than we think.
Casey:
Well that’s also why they have such a forgiving return policy there too, is they’re counting on you going in, pretending you know what you’re doing, buying some shit that’s totally wrong, going home, fucking it up, and not being willing to come back and admit you’re a retard to get your refund. They could be like, “We give you 200% back on everything, ”Doesn’t matter. Nobody’s bringing that shit back. They’d come back and look at the shit that’s all been fucked up and be, “Yeah, I fucked it up.” Never gonna do that. No guys gonna do that.
Jeff:
My dad, we’d always get him tools and stuff for Christmas and father’s day.
Casey:
That’s a father kind of present.
Jeff:
Standard thing. I remember vividly.
Casey:
Because guys always like tools.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a safe thing.
Casey:
It’s kind of like flowers for girls. It does not matter, even if they like this kind of thing, they’re into it. “You just got me a tool that I’ll probably never use, and I love it. Thank you”
Jeff:
It’s like if you gave them pornography. It doesn’t really matter if it’s not their thing, it’s still pornography. That’s enough for a guy.
Casey:
It goes in the cache in case I need it at some point.
Jeff:
It might be an emergency, I might be in a crazy mood, bring out the midgets.
Casey:
A porn midget emergency.
Jeff:
We were sitting around Christmas morning, and we gave him a circular saw. You know the kind.
Casey:
Not a table mounted one, the kind that’s hand held.
Jeff:
The kind to cut 2 by 4s. We’re sitting around, Christmas tree, lights, its kind of dim because we get up early to open things. And dad opens it and is “Oh this is great” Plugs it in, >vrrrrmvrrrmPop!
Casey:
That’s like last week; your fucking rabbit chewed through the power cord. Now your father cuts through the power cord.
Jeff:
We have power issues.
Casey:
Jesus.
Jeff:
I have a lot of power stories actually. Not as many as John Miles but plenty.
Casey:
But John Miles actually works with power, yours are like “My rabbit ate through it.” That’s not.
Jeff:
I’m just as handy as him.
Casey:
I’m not saying you’re not as handy, I’m saying that he has oscilloscopes and shit, you have a rabbit.
Jeff:
That’s the same thing.
Casey:
His power stories are probably like, “Yeah I was flipping this multi-circuit transformer over to up convert so I can get some off the grid without paying for the juice, you know what I mean.” You’re like “My rabbit ate through the power cable.”
Jeff:
It’s just as good.
Casey:
It’s funnier when you tell it, because I understand it. Because everyone understands when a rabbit eats through a power cable. He’s got some kind of fucking nuclear power station in his house right? And you’re like “No they’re the same.”
Jeff:
All right, you know what were gonna do?
Casey:
That’s the summary for this one. This whole episode here that we’ve just done is that “Shopping carts in place that are not normally used, No good.” That’s the summary, executive summary.
Jeff:
That’s right up there with the very first Good/No Good of like, guy crossing the street too slow.
Casey:
Cause that guy probably had a shopping cart.
Jeff:
You just see somebody pushing a shopping cart, and there’s like a mattress on it and you’re just like, “Oh boy. That guy, don’t want anything to do with, no good.” Alright. You know what, were going to do a very short Jeff and Casey, we may even put up two this week.
Casey:
Maybe we will. If we don’t, tough shit. No just kidding.
Jeff:
Everybody send us email.
Casey:
Let us know what you need.
Jeff:
We need topics people. We asked last time, we weren’t forceful enough. We need topics, otherwise it’s gonna be about tools, every week. And I don’t have a lot of material there.
Casey:
Were here to please, well, ourselves mostly. But also sometimes you. So if you send in the topics, send in the topics.
Jeff:
To podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Casey:
And we have some people, who to be fair, are awesome at this. Dave, Mar, and Juan, they fucking bring it. They bring the topics.
Jeff:
Where’s Ryan?
Casey:
What happened to Ryan Elis and his crazy topics? We need him back. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Jeff:
Send us an email podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com or send it to us at Facebook at thejeffandcaseyshow.com
Casey:
What are you taking about?
Jeff:
The Jeff and Casey. Because there is a Jeff and Casey show.
Casey:
Since this a part where accuracy actually matters.
Jeff:
You go.
Casey:
Why don’t you let me take care of this? You can email us at podcast@jeffandcaseyshow.com
Jeff:
I said that right.
Casey:
You can also, if you would like, follow us at Twitter. We are JeffandCasey on Twitter.
Jeff:
Were gonna talk about Twitter soon by the way.
Casey:
You can also go to Facebook, and look up The Jeff and Casey Show. There’s a group, and a page. Go to town. We are everywhere you want to be.
Jeff:
Post, friend us.
Casey:
If you just come to us, we will follow you home in the most creepy stalker way possible from any one of these sites.
Jeff:
With a shopping cart.
Casey:
We will see you next week or immediately after this if we post two. Take it easy everyone.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 2 - episode 3
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