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No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
A Dolphin You Can Bring Home to Mom
"Unfortunately, he was fired after he made a toothy octopus."
Original air date: May 28th, 2009
Topics. Seaquest DSV. Talking dolphins. Darwin the Dolphin. Sir Isaac Newton. John Stuart Reed. The British. The Cymascope. Breakthroughs. Buckaroo Bonzai. Reporters. Screensavers. Voice synthesizers. Llamasoft. Jeff Minter. Visualizations. Dolphin mixers. Blackjack. The 49ers. The dolphin next door. Ape submarines. Sealife. Exploring the seas. Exploring Wyoming. The space program. Space technology. The iPhone. Strange and scary new animals. The octopus with human teeth. God. Bob the Intern Angel. Fired. Smiling octopus. Prop 8. Dating. Surprise.
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Transcript
Casey:
Cause that’s classic. No that’s it right there. That was the start to the show, what you just did. This whole thing is the start to the show. That’s the Megatimer, you’re bringing it back. It’s like bell-bottoms, or Vans.
Jeff:
Stop it. Beep-Beep-Beep
Casey:
Which by the way you’re pretty close to bringing back with those Converse All Stars that you’ve been rocking, and that’s bringing it back.
Jeff:
Stop it. We have to be quiet. And shit, now its counting.
Casey:
See, it’s perfect.
Jeff:
It’s been a while since I’ve done this. It’s going, alright. Hey everybody! Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Yes, welcome back to the Jeff and Casey Show. So we’re going to take a second here to explain what going on. This was unusual. And for some reason, one of the things that was interesting about the original version of the podcast was of course Jeff makes shit up all the time. He just like, either he conflates two news stories or he just makes shit up straight away.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
But he thinks in his own mind that it’s real. Like, he believes that it’s real. He doesn’t think he’s lying.
Jeff:
But then it comes true.
Casey:
But then sometimes it actually comes true. As is the case with like, exotic pets. He was talking about exotic pets breading and then they actually did. Like, there was a news story where there’s like, two separate people who released, l have no idea how these things happen. So what ended up happening this time which was really weird is, as you know I always made fun of SeaQuest DSV on the podcast for being such a terrible show and like, they have a talking dolphin who always saves the day and all these ridiculous things.
Jeff:
And it wasn’t that far into the future, that was one of the strange things.
Casey:
It was like, 2012 or something like that.
Jeff:
And were like, how the fuck are we gonna get to crazy submarines with talking dolphins, like, holy shit. We need to figure that out in the next two years.
Casey:
Then all of a sudden, Dave Moore forwards us a link to someone in, what is it? The UK I think was here? Someone in the UK who claims.
Jeff:
Let’s just say, the UK who’s brought us such great minds like, Darwin, and Newton, now brings us, what’s his name?
Casey:
John Stewart Reed of St. Johns in the Vale near Keswick.
Jeff:
He will be in the future looked upon in that same echelon.
Casey:
As Darwin the dolphins enabler if you will. Now here’s the thing, let’s just take a brief digression here. Why do the British always feel that they need to announce the location from whence you hailed? Why is it John Stewart Reed of St. John in the Vale near Keswick? Why would you need to say that?
Jeff:
I think that there’s something that happens there and also happens in New Zealand and Australia because it’s always like.
Casey:
Jeff Roberts of Kirkland, Washington.
Jeff:
Right. It’s because, I think that there’s a little bit of local boy makes good kind of thing. Yes, you know we haven’t had anybody since like, Turing that’s been worth a shit in Britain.
Casey:
Let’s say where they’re from specifically.
Jeff:
Let’s give the island a little action; shout out back to the great empire.
Casey:
Well for whatever reason, John Stewart Reed of St. John in the Vale near Keswick, believes that his Cymascope represents a “significant breakthrough” in the study of dolphin communication. Now, as you know on the podcast.
Jeff:
There have been no other breakthroughs right? They squeak. That’s all we know so far. So it’s been THE breakthrough thus far.
Casey:
Well they click. Click-click-click.
Jeff:
Which means “fish”.
Casey:
Yeah, all of them are different times of fish and plus the word “I want some” which is the standard suffix. So here’s the thing, on the podcast before we’ve talked about the fact that news reporters will often use double quotations to distance themselves from the statements of the people on whom they’re reporting. Now, “Significant breakthrough” is in a big old pair of double quotes here. So I’m not sure that even the reporter believes that this is actually gonna do a goddamned thing. I want you guys to see the photograph. We can probably try to repost this photograph, at least a link to it on the website, because it’s a dude who has clearly set up a number of completely unrelated devices that have nothing to do with audio.
Jeff:
There’s way more plausible devices in Buckaroo Banzi than this device. It’s got cameras.
Casey:
He has a mount that looks like he has mounted a regular over the shelf 35mm DSLR or something.
Jeff:
It looks like a normal camera.
Casey:
It’s probably digital, it’s a 35mm camera but maybe it’s a digital 35 mm kind of thing right, over this glowing blue superhero making kind of hexagon, I can’t quite see because of the angle, mounted on some kind of brackets that look like its meant to stabilize it or something with machined Plexiglas disks.
Jeff:
And he’s sticking some kind of thermometer in it.
Casey:
He’s got like a syringe like device or something. There’s nothing about this photo that wasn’t posed for the camera. The actual Cymascope is probably some little program that he runs on his computer with a microphone right? This is what he set up, like “It’s very complicated.”
Jeff:
“You can’t imagine the technology that’s gone into this.”
Casey:
This is the scientific equivalent of the dining room. Nobody fucking eats in their dining room, no one ever goes in their dining room, but all of your furniture is in the dining room. It’s to look good. Theres a china cabinet, you have all the expensive silverware there for when thanksgiving comes and you want your mother in law to think you’re not a total fuck up right? That’s the dining room. This is his dining room. No work actually takes place in this room. That’s not what this is for. This is for when the reporters come. And everyone has one of these right? It’s like the icon on your desktop that’s some cool shit that you like, just had there to run, has nothing to do with what you’re working on. Or the screensaver.
Jeff:
It’s the screensaver with the crazy graphics that you’d never use in a game, but its showing graphics to make you feel.
Casey:
It’s a demo scene, it’s the demo coder. None of this stuff ever actually makes into any products right? But here it is. That’s what this was, and he seems to have pulled the wool over these guys’ eyes for sure because he claims and the newspaper actually reported.
Jeff:
Well it’s got to happen by 2012.
Casey:
Well it does but it’s not him, it’s this little kid who does it. Didn’t you watch the fucking show? Maybe you haven’t watched the show.
Jeff:
I remember the little kid
Casey:
Yeah, there’s the little kid. He’s the one who invents the machine that translates dolphinspeak. You know what we never mentioned on the show on the podcast where we’re talking about DSV though.
Jeff:
Which was?
Casey:
Which was that for some reason they make it clear in the show that what they’re doing is, is taking dolphin clicks, they’re running them through his computer, and then they’re running a voice synthesizer to like, synthesize what the dolphins gonna say. So you would think that you would just have it say it in a normal voice. It would be like “Hey, what’s going on” right? But instead it’s like a dolphiny voice. It’s like, “Hello, how are you doing.” You’re like, it’s a computer. It can sound however you want. It’s not gonna sound like a dolphin because it’s coming from a dolphin right? It’s like, oh for fuck sake.
Jeff:
No I think he’s like, “Oh man I hate the sound of my own voice you know.”
Casey:
“I’m so nasily, if it wasn’t for this big schnoz”
Jeff:
“Do I sound gay?”
Casey:
Totally, probably. Anyway, you have the camera, it’s like one of those camera adds 10 pound things. It’s like, “Oh the Vocorder totally makes me sound shitty. Never getting onto American Idol like this.” Exactly. “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
People who are listening right now have not heard the article are probably like, “Wow, they’re taking a long ass fucking time to get around to what this device actually does.” There’s a reason for that, we don’t know what it does. Nothing in this article says what the device does. We have no idea. As far as we can tell from reading the article, it is a device that somehow tries to create a picture of dolphin sounds, a visual representation of dolphin sounds that he claims will somehow allow them to dissect dolphin grammatical structures and vocabulary in ways that were previously not possible with other audio visualization. So as far as I can tell, this guy is like, fucking, the llama dude. He’s like the llamasoft guy on crack right?
Jeff:
You’re talking Jeff Mentor.
Casey:
Jeff Mentor, he’s like a music visualization guy. He’s like a Winamp programmer who somehow conned the local newspaper into thinking that he can talk to dolphins. Which by the way is something that I would expect Jeff Mentor to have done. Jeff Mentor is behind on this. You think he’d be like, “Yeah my Llamacon 6,000 can translate llama tones. It’s like, boy it’s hot in here or, I need some water” Or don’t need some water in this case.
Jeff:
Jeff has been talking to all of his animals for a long time. He just doesn’t have press conferences.
Casey:
He doesn’t know how to do the PR. He doesn’t know how to spin it.
Jeff:
He doesn’t know how to get some investment money out of this. So basically what this guy’s gonna have to do is like, “Alright, I need to take the next step. I need to go public.” And he presents this complicated, like. He’s probably showing some frequency graph, but he does it in 3D so it’s one of those landscape kind of ones that look really good. “See when I talk into it, squeak-squeak, and you can see.” And they’re like, “Oh I get it.” And then, I don’t know if it’s ever entered his mind like, what do you want to talk to a dolphin for? Seriously. What is a dolphin, I mean let’s say if you figure out everything, EVERYTHING about the dolphin, their grammatical structure, like whether words rhyme at the end, whether there’s female and male versions of the verbs, you figure it all out, what the fuck are you going to say to a dolphin?! “Good fish. Do you have more fish? I like that fish. You know what; I’m gonna go fuck that other dolphin.” That’s all they’re gonna say. I don’t get the point where people, it’s not just that you’re projecting the fact that human emotions and thoughts on them, you’re also assuming that they have anything to say besides the basis of things.
Casey:
A lot of people do that. They’re like, “Chimpanzees are almost intelligent as humans.” I’ve got news for you, I don’t want to talk to a lot of humans, and they’re exactly intelligent as humans. It’s like, we’d have to go find the 5 percent of dolphins that were worth talking to. And that’s a lot of work actually.
Jeff:
I guess it comes down to the thing that if you can replace retarded person, if you couldn’t talk to a retarded person but then you could, would you? Maybe you would say “Hello” but there’s not gonna be any insight into the retarded person from the retarded person’s point of view.
Casey:
To be fair, the analogy probably extends even further than you mean it right? Cause dolphins probably have savant characteristics right? Like all it can say is “fish” right? But it can count the number of scales on the fish from like, 300 yards away from something like that.
Jeff:
So really useful information.
Casey:
Not useful. Maybe you take the dolphin to Vegas or something and you win like, a bunch of blackjack round or something right? It’s like, “Oh, squeak squeak squeak” and you’re like. . .
Jeff:
“Hit me.”
Casey:
“5,000” Yeah exactly, like that kind of a thing, but other than that I don’t see what the point is. You’re back to the same problem again right? All the exact same thing. It’s like, “OK, now we can talk to dolphins” right? Now you’re gonna have to go to dolphin mixers, right? You’re gonna have to like, have a dolphin MySpace and shit. How are you gonna meet the dolphin that you want to talk to? Because you’re not just gonna want to talk to any dolphin right? It’s like it turns out “Oh, this dolphin doesn’t like the 49’ers” so there’s like a big thing there or whatever.
Jeff:
He’s a fan of Miami.
Casey:
You don’t want to go to that book club or whatever cause there’s to many ring related books or books related to diving.
Jeff:
It’s just more stress. We don’t need that. Let him alone.
Casey:
Now I’ve got to find a dolphin in my life. What’s the deal with that? It’s too much work already.
Jeff:
And you want a sexy dolphin because you don’t want an ugly dolphin. It’s hard enough to find the dolphin, but now you have to find a sexy dolphin who’s also smart that you want to talk to because the normal sexy dolphins, there’s nothing inside.
Casey:
The only thing you have is a good swim with them right? And there’s nothing else in common there. So it’s like after you get out of the pool, you have nothing to say, and that’s no good right there. So that’s a problem.
Jeff:
You’re sitting there having a smoke and it’s awkward and your just like, “You know, I’m gonna go.”
Casey:
Exactly and you’re like “Oh why don’t you give me the fish this time?” You can only mix it up so many times right, before it starts to gets somewhat mundane right? And you’re already looking at the next dolphin and that’s no good right? That’s a problem right there. So it’s all bad at some levels.
Jeff:
It is in fact no good.
Casey:
It is no good. You know what the other thing is too? You need a dolphin that you can bring home to mom. Cause you don’t something that’s gonna be swimming around.
Jeff:
The dolphin next door.
Casey:
Exactly, you want the dolphin next door, that’s what you’re looking for. Someone who really feels good in an above ground pool. Someone who can just hang with that right? If you bring home a city dolphin and it’s all about Olympic size and all that shit, it’s a conflict. Cause you want a small town dolphin, that where you always pictured it.
Jeff:
And pretty soon its drinking right? And everything just goes downhill from there. It’s an ugly break up.
Casey:
Yeah so this device, not so good.
Jeff:
So the other thing that’s weird about that though is, does that mean that there’s going to be other retarded stuff from SeaQuest that comes true?
Casey:
God I hope not.
Jeff:
I know, that’s what I’m getting at. What if there’s the crazy dude. What was the one you showed me with the guy that had the baboon? Like, he’s in a submarine, but then also had the ape? Remember?
Casey:
There was a guy with an ape assistant. That is true.
Jeff:
So like, are apes gonna be on submarines too? Because I don’t think they should be down there.
Casey:
Are you saying that apes aren’t already on submarines?
Jeff:
There shouldn’t be.
Casey:
Maybe the navy has trained apes and shit. That would be your purview. I’m surprised you don’t know that because that is an animal link.
Jeff:
I’m just saying I’d be scared to death to have monkeys, I mean there’s switches and stuff. It looks like a telephone operator when they show the submarines, there’s all these switches. You don’t want monkeys climbing around in there. They could like, launch the missiles.
Casey:
Well, let’s think about this for a second. Well, here’s the thing about SeaQuest DSV that I assume would be the most likely to come true, is that we have like, some kind of big research vessels that are swimming around. And that brings up another point in my mind anyway, which is like, why is it that because the world is 70% water or whatever the fuck, that we then assume that we should explore that 70%? You don’t go out into the middle of, I don’t know, Wyoming or something, and you look out there and it’s this big empty plane with like, tumble weeds and shit and it like, “Oh, were gonna have to map all this.” “No. You know what? This is not useful. Done. It’s a big square we don’t need to do anything with it, were fine.” That’s water. Welcome to the ocean. “Alright, there’s a bunch of shit under there, I don’t need to know what it is. I don’t dig up Wyoming to find out if there’s like worms or shit under there.” I’m just like, “I don’t care. Nobody’s ever gonna build anything here, we can’t grow anything, were done.”
Jeff:
We write Wyoming off. We write the oceans off.
Casey:
Write ’em off. They’re done. They’re totally done. But that’s not the attitude that people take right? They’re like, “No, we’re gonna explore all the oceans. There’s so much we don’t know. There’s so much we can learn under there.” No there isn’t. They always say shit like, the space program that actually works. They’re like, holy shit. Like, I sleep on a bed right now, if it wasn’t for NASA I wouldn’t be able to sleep on my bed, OK? There is a result OK?
Jeff:
I’ve never applied something from a submarine in my life.
Casey:
I’m never like, “Oh thank god for that fucking submarine program of the US navy or I never would have had this iPhone.” No. None of that ever happens.
Jeff:
The only thing you ever get out of this research is strange and new animals that would kill you if you ever ran into them right?
Casey:
I don’t want to know that’s down there. I never asked.
Jeff:
I don’t need to see things that swim up your unit. I don’t want to know about any of that.
Casey:
I don’t want to see the octopus with human teeth. Octopus with human teeth, unacceptable. As far as I’m concerned, let’s put it this way, god put it under the water for a reason. He was like, “Wow, that’s fucked up.” Right?
Jeff:
“That was a disaster.”
Casey:
“I’m sorry to step on some intelligent design toes here, but I don’t think god designed an octopus with teeth. I think that there was a fuck up somewhere, and god looked down at the octopus with teeth and went, “Wow, I’m putting that really far out of sign so no one has to fucking look at this octopus with teeth that I made, and now can’t get rid of, it’s following me around.”
Jeff:
Well you have to create all the animals’ right? You can’t do it all yourself, you have to delegate. And sometimes you get an intern that isn’t really.
Casey:
Bob the angel, not the brightest angel on the tree right? No.
Jeff:
He’s fallen off that throne a couple times, comes up and says, “Look, I took the octopus, but now it can smile.” And you’re like “Wooah there tiger.”
Casey:
He’s like, “Octopus good, smile good, put em together.” And you’re like, “You’re fired.” Unfortunately he was fired after he made a toothy octopus, which is like totally unacceptable right? Toothy octopus, bad. “You know what Bob, no teeth on the octopus. There’s a hint for you. Leave the teeth off.”
Jeff:
Well that’s the other thing it’s like, the only thing that an octopus would smile at is something horrible right? The octopus isn’t just going around smiling like, “Hey this is great.” It’s like “No, I just killed a crab, Cheese!” right? I don’t want to know what an octopus smiles at.
Casey:
Also don’t forget the placement of it at least when mapped on a human is the teeth are on the ass, right? It was on the underside where all the arms are right? So it’s kind of like, sticks its ass at you and smiles right? Smiling ass, that’s no good. That’s just bad all around.
Jeff:
That is like, the person who voted “yes” on prop. 8’s worst nightmare right? He’s like “What the fuck”
Casey:
Smiling ass. Exactly. Do you think octopus’ can have same sex marriage? Do they mate?
Jeff:
I’m trying to think. I think there are male and female, I don’t think they are asexual.
Casey:
No, they’re not asexual. They don’t bud or anything.
Jeff:
Are they eggs?
Casey:
I don’t know. It’s a good question. It’s a good question and again, we don’t need to know. We don’t need to know how an octopus with teeth reproduces. I don’t care. Don’t care at all.
Jeff:
I hope the teeth aren’t involved.
Casey:
I have friends who are into marine biology, they’re gonna kill me for having said that, but I really don’t.
Jeff:
Since we are kind of getting towards our self-imposed time limit here, let’s make sure.
Casey:
Make sure of what? There’s a recap?
Jeff:
I’m gonna do the checklist. Have we talked about retarded people in an offensive way?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
OK. Have we made fun of another country?
Casey:
Mmmmm Jeff; London, we did.
Casey:
Yup good call.
Jeff:
Have we, let’s see, gotten major facts incorrect?
Casey:
Oh, I don’t know which ones they were but absolutely.
Jeff:
And we’ve covered a No Good, which is octopus with teeth. And we did SeaQuest. I think we’re done.
Casey:
We also did something which was vaguely sexist by mapping dating onto dolphin selection. So that was something.
Jeff:
We’ve done this very efficiently, were done.
Casey:
Well you know what? See you next week.
Jeff:
Alright everybody. Yes we will put this one up, and there will be more, and then maybe a month from now we should have the first episode. Have we announced the title yet or are we gonna keep that a secret? We’ll keep that a secret.
Casey:
Well, we should probably keep it a secret because we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and we don’t know when it’s gonna be ready. But, secret might be a way to sound like were keeping it for a surprise instead of not sure what we’re doing and that sounds better if we’re keeping it for a surprise.
Jeff:
Yeah we’ll try to put a teaser up in the next couple weeks. Because I know that we led you astray previously on our other fictional excursion, this is actually going to happen and it is really funny. So yeah, we’ll but that up soon. Alright, thanks everybody and we will see you next week.
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