Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
$16k, 100 Cases of Beer, and Several Cases of Meat
"Look, 'old world charm' means the light switch is in the shower."
Original air date: January 19th, 2009
Topics. Asburgers. Bounced checks. 7/11. iPhone. Passwords with a 9 at the end. Lexus dealership. AT&T. Penis massage robot. Directions on Microsoft. Microsoft Songsmith. Flowers. Bontanical glory holes. RealTouch. Sascha Gray. Ashlynn Brook. Motion capture. The WonderBoner. Fishing. Beer. Caulk. The ProCaulk. Selling your daughter. Contract law. Memoirs of a Geisha. White trash goodies. The WonderMullet. Mullets. Problem Solvers. Ubuntu. Verizon. Toe fingers. Good/No good. Old world charm. Hot yoga. Kilts. Upskirts. Bagpipes.
Subscribe. If you’d like to have the latest episode of The Jeff and Casey Show delivered fresh to your computer every Monday, you can check out our list of RSS feeds and other subscription options here.
Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello.
Jeff:
That’s all?
Casey:
Yeah.
Sean:
Hello, welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
There we go.
Jeff:
Yes, at least someone has energy.
Casey:
Yeah, not me.
Jeff:
Casey, you ran out. You did at the beginning.
Casey:
I wilted.
Jeff:
Yes. We did lots of pre-production.
Casey:
I’ve wilted. I’m tired now.
Jeff:
And now, you’re a little tired.
Casey:
You did lots of pre-production. I wilted early on in this…
Jeff:
No, we were pre-producing some future stuff…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That you were excited about…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Now, we used up your mojo. It is January 17th…
Casey:
It is hard work being this large of a personality, Jeff, I have to tell you.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
You know, it is just… It’s a full-time job.
Jeff:
Well, you know, we didn’t say…
Casey:
Projecting this kind of charisma… Do you think this is easy?
Jeff:
Wait. We have not yet said happy new year to all of our listeners. We keep forgetting.
Casey:
Well, don’t you think it’s a little late now?
Jeff:
No, I think it’s fine. I’m still writing checks as 2008 so it’s probably okay.
Casey:
Alright. So what you’re saying is that your…
Jeff:
By the way, I was at the 7/11, as I do like to do…
Casey:
You wrote a check at a 7/11?
Jeff:
No, the person in front of me did.
Casey:
Wrote a check?
Jeff:
And I’m like…
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Dude…
Casey:
No Good.
Jeff:
No. It’s an old lady.
Casey:
Well, they only write checks pretty much, though.
Jeff:
Yeah. And then… Like, she’s writing a check and the line’s gathering and I’m going, “I can’t believe this is happening. This is so crazy.” And then, she filled it out and then she flipped to the top part where you write what you wrote, the checks you wrote…
Casey:
Yeah, the ledger.
Jeff:
And then, she was very meticulous on that. And then, subtotaled… It was bad news. She was buying Parliaments, by the way.
Casey:
Oh, man.
Jeff:
She had to get her smoke on. Yeah, and that was… Yeah, it was a little crazy.
Casey:
I have noticed that there’s sort of maybe an Asperger’s Syndrome kind of a thing where there’s a category of people who don’t feel anything about how they’re actions are impacting the rest of the world around them, right?
Jeff:
Well, that kind of happens when you get older, right? You’re just like, “Fuck it. I’m old. Get out of my way on the road.” And like…
Casey:
Sometimes… Sometimes you’re saying fuck it. Sometimes, you are unaware.
Jeff:
Oh, I see, the difference between that. I see.
Casey:
They’re 2 different things. You don’t know. If it’s an old person, it could be either. They could be someone who used to care about how their actions are affecting other people and they’re just like, “Fuck it.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And they got the tennis balls on the end of the walker and they’re just going to town, like, whatever the fuck, right, crossing the street, taking 3 years. It doesn’t matter, right? But…
Jeff:
Paying with pennies and checks…
Casey:
Yeah. They also might just be someone who know when they were 25, they played their music at the loudest possible volume setting when other people were trying to sleep…
Jeff:
I see. They’ve just always been this way.
Casey:
And they fucking didn’t care about whether or not everyone else had a chance to eat something and they just took the whole fucking thing at the buffet or whatever, right? And so, I don’t know. You could’ve been dealing with either one.
Jeff:
Yeah, it was just a strange thing because you really don’t see that much anymore. Like, Americans…
Casey:
What, old people?
Jeff:
No. Americans are so far in debt that writing a check requires cash in their bank account. So that just doesn’t happen much. It’s like…
Casey:
Writing a good check does.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
That might’ve been a bouncer.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s right. Well…
Casey:
She may be hearing from “Check Co. has been selected by 7/11 to be the collection agency for bad checks. You may hear from them or their affiliates if you…” They just have those little signs.
Jeff:
When we were teenagers, my brother and I… My brother had bounced enough checks that he had a name for it. It’s just baba-bow…
Casey:
Yeah. You know what, let me stop you… Okay.
Jeff:
You knew the sound?
Casey:
So this entire time that we’ve been talking about this, I’ve been afraid that you were gonna break into that.
Jeff:
The…
Casey:
The entire time. I was like…
Jeff:
I’ll bring it.
Casey:
I know it’s coming.
Jeff:
I’m not gonna tell the story if that’s what you think.
Casey:
I thought that was what was gonna happen.
Jeff:
No. I’m just gonna say the sound effect.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. No.
Casey:
That’s the sound of a check bouncing?
Jeff:
Baba-bow. Yep.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because sometimes you’re sad. You open the mailbox then you see America First and it’s a thin one. And you’re like, “Oh, baba-bow…”
Casey:
Oh, God…
Jeff:
It’s a [ skippity ] sad, yeah.
Casey:
But to be fair, Jeff, you call a lot of things by something that is roughly indistinguishable. It’s kind of like your version of morse code…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
The number of the bounce and whether they’re bounce or buzz in what order is what determines what the thing is.
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
It’s like, “You know what I’m saying? I’ve got a little baba-bow …” And you’re like, “Wait, does that mean he bounced a check or does that mean that he got a Slurpee?”
Jeff:
No. No.
Casey:
Who knows? Because there’s a baba-bow which is good and you got something that you liked. And now, there’s a baba-bow which is bad, which is a bouncing check. And I have no idea. I can’t tell the difference. I don’t fucking speak Roberts, alright? I don’t know the…
Jeff:
Stop it. You should…
Casey:
The click people from Papua New Guinea…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Or I don’t know what your heritage is that allows you to make these sounds and understand them at full speed.
Jeff:
I spent the weekend… I had to rush to Salt Lake City for a quick funeral. I was only there for 2 days…
Casey:
Yeah, just get in a quick funeral.
Jeff:
Yep, quick thing.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And as I was leaving town, I lost my iPhone, which is the worst time. Like, if you’re at work, it sucks to not have your phone. But I didn’t pack a laptop or anything because I’m just used to doing all my emailing and stuff on the phone.
Casey:
Well, it’s a mixed blessing or a double-edged sword, if you will, right? On the one hand, it always sucks to lose your phone because you use that for contacts and calling and people can get in touch with you and all this stuff. On a trip, you definitely want that. On the other hand, you don’t have to use the iPhone for 4 days…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And that is a massive plus, if you ask me.
Jeff:
Stop it. No. I was naked without my iPhone.
Casey:
Oh, you’re usually naked with your iPhone so I suppose that’s also a plus.
Jeff:
Stop it. So I called them and I said…
Casey:
AT&T, not Apple?
Jeff:
Yeah. I said, “Yeah, I think I still have it but I’m not sure but I’d like to put a block on the outgoing calls.” And they said, “Sure, we can do that.” And…
Casey:
Did they say something like, “Don’t worry. With the iPhone, it’s so rare that an outgoing call is connected that you probably won’t need to do that, sir.”
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
And you’re like, “No, I’d like to do it anyway.”
Jeff:
Stop it. I did get a kick out of the fact that for the weekend, you had more iPhone mojo than I did. Like, you were using your iPhone all weekend, happily…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And I was unhappy, stranded on an ocean of no communication.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, I called AT&T and said the standard thing, I want to block the thing. And they're like, “Well, if we do that, then you don’t get any voice messages.” And I’m like, “Well, that’s retarded. The phone’s not catching the voice mails. Why is that even related?” And they’re like, “Well, it is.”
Casey:
Now, why did you think that you needed to block outgoing calls? Because they might call internationally?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s kind of the standard thing. Or, they order things that bill back to your phone like 1-900 kind of maneuver.
Casey:
Couldn’t they just go to the App Store and fucking load up? Right? That’s not an outgoing call.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s probably true. Anyway…
Casey:
Have you gotten your receipt yet for the App Store?
Jeff:
No, I have not gotten…
Casey:
Oh, you know what, the App Store (or crApp store, as I call it) has the little thing where you put in your iTunes password…
Jeff:
Oh, your iTunes password. Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Which is probably something with a 9 at the end of it, I’m guessing.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Dude, it totally is gonna be.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You’ve never typed in a password.
Jeff:
Damn it. I’m changing my password. I’m writing right now. iTunes password because Casey has fucked me.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
See, right there. Underneath our pre-production, I’ve written iTunes password.
Casey:
You know what, it’s not just iTunes passwords, though.
Jeff:
Don’t! I don’t want to change everything!
Casey:
All your passwords have a 9 at the end of it.
Jeff:
Asshole. Anyway, let me finish…
Casey:
All of them have that. It’s like that’s the only algorithm you have for your password. Like, it’s the password to the printer, the password is “printer9”.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Like, that’s the password scheme.
Jeff:
It’s not that bad.
Casey:
It is that bad.
Jeff:
No, but let me finish. So I said, “Well, I don’t want that. I want to still get voice messages for the weekend because hopefully, someone’s gonna call and say, “I have your phone.” That was my dream scenario.
Casey:
That doesn’t make any sense. Why would they call their own phone to say that they had their phone?
Jeff:
Because I gave that number as the places at Alexis’, who I think stole my iPhone, by the way, fucking Alexis… Anyway, let me finish the story.
Casey:
But they’re not going to know that it’s your phone. If they were, then they’d just fucking have given it back to you.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s true.
Casey:
If by now, if they just find an iPhone… First of all, you have a pass code lock on it. So they can’t tell what number it is. How would they call your phone to leave a message?
Jeff:
You’re gonna give out my pass lock, too. I can see you’re thinking about it. Don’t do it.
Casey:
I don’t know what your pass lock is but it probably has a lot of fucking 9’s on it is what I’m guessing.
Jeff:
Stop it. Hey, no, it doesn’t… Anyway, let me finish.
Casey:
No. You see what I’m saying? So how did you think they were gonna get your phone number from the iPhone?
Jeff:
Everybody has my phone number.
Casey:
I’m a person. I find your iPhone.
Jeff:
I lost it at Alexis’ at Bellevue. They’re going to know it’s me.
Casey:
How would they know that it was yours?
Jeff:
Because it was in the truck. That’s where I left it.
Casey:
But if they found an iPhone in the truck, wouldn’t they just leave it in the truck?
Jeff:
Apparently not because when I went back, it wasn’t there, the fuckers. That’s why I think they stole it.
Casey:
Yeah, probably. In which case, they’re still not gonna leave you a message.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
I’m just trying to work out how, in your mind, how there was any possibility, construct any scenario where somebody who finds the iPhone calls its number. Just any scenario. I’m open to it. I’m ready to hear it.
Jeff:
Because they would know it and I want my iPhone.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
So there’s also just the fact that I’m there for this funeral and everybody’s gonna be calling that number to tell me… And I’m like, “Ah, I can call from mom’s…” So I call and say, “Look, that’s no good. I need that. So leave it active. I want to keep taking calls but I need to know how I can call and get my voicemail from another phone. I don’t know how to do that.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And she said, “Okay, let me change your password to the phone so that you can dial in.” Okay. I did that. Thank you.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I go, okay. I dial up and it says, “The person you have called has not set up their voice mail.” I’m like…
Casey:
Ba-bambam…
Jeff:
Oh, fuck. Yeah, Ba-bowbow… And that’s bad because I have, like, 50… I have a whole bunch of to-do’s that are voicemails that people have left me. I’m like, “No, no, no, no, no…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I call up AT&T. I get another lady. I'm like, “Can I have the old lady I had?”
Casey:
Wait. Is that your way of making sure you get your to-do’s before the 30 days expires? Because it deletes your messages after 30 days.
Jeff:
Not if they’re in the inbox.
Casey:
No, it deletes your messages…
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Voicemail lasts only 30 days.
Jeff:
I thought if it was on the phone, you’re good to go because it downloads them down…
Casey:
You can think about that and then maybe the power of your mind…
Jeff:
You should test that.
Casey:
I have. It deletes them after 30 days.
Jeff:
From your inbox, not from deleted messages?
Casey:
From your inbox. From your inbox.
Jeff:
Because the deleted messages I know is 30 days.
Casey:
I know. From your inbox.
Jeff:
Okay. You’re high but that’s alright.
Casey:
Okay. I have left messages in there to see.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
30 days later, they disappear, not deleted messages, from the inbox. I have not touched them…
Jeff:
I have never seen that. And I probably have ones from my doctor that are way longer than that.
Casey:
Well, you don’t have any of them now but that’s the difference…
Jeff:
I know, I don’t. So I call back and I’m like, “Oh, shit. Oh, shit.” She’s like, “Yeah, I’m sorry. When she reset that, she lost all your messages.” I’m like, “Goddamn it. Argh!” And I was really mad. And then like, “Okay, now it needs to be set up so I can get messages from all these people that are gonna be calling me and telling me when all the funeral and stuff is gonna happen and viewing and all that.” She says, “Oh, yeah… You have to do that from the device.” And I’m like, “I don’t have the motherfucking device!” I totally lost it on her. Totally lost it. Eventually, the recording of me freaking out on this lady will land on the internet because I lost my shit. This was after a long trip where everything went wrong and I… Yeah. No, she just hosed… So then I said, “Well, you might as well turn off the account so nobody can use it since I can’t get any…” Since the whole reason to keep it locked down… And I came back today and I’m back to my 2G phone. And that was a whole other production. So, yes, it was long but I’m back in my iPhone graces. You know, I kind of like the 2G better, I have to say.
Casey:
Why?
Jeff:
Because the metal back, it’s a little nicer.
Casey:
I never used the 2G. I only had the 3G so…
Jeff:
Anyway, AT&T, man… Apple has got to get another provider in the United States. It’s killing me to use AT&T. Every single day, it kills me.
Casey:
It was a riveting story, though.
Jeff:
It was.
Casey:
I was on the edge of my seat there for a while.
Jeff:
Fuck you.
Casey:
So AT&T has… Apple has no plans, though, apparently, to use any one of the…
Jeff:
No, they think it’s good.
Casey:
They’re, like, into that. So they like the deal. Maybe they get good kickbacks or whatever.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I think when I get my new one, I’m just gonna jailbreak it and switch to T-Mobile because at that point, I can, because I have to switch back to the 2G now so there’s no… If I get a new one, I can get it non-tied. So I’ll do that.
Casey:
How much does it cost to buy an iPhone?
Jeff:
$200 more than when you bought it originally because you can’t get another service. I probably could buy it from my mom’s account or something. I don’t know. Anyway, that sucked.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
But I’m back to action. Back in Steve’s good graces.
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
That’s all you have to say?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re not even gonna make fun of me for that?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No? You have nothing?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Why don’t you talk about the link that got sent to us a ton of times.
Casey:
See, here’s the thing…
Jeff:
No, pep up. You can’t tell the story without being pepped up.
Casey:
It’s just that I’m tired of being right all the time.
Jeff:
It just bothers you? I see.
Casey:
You know what I mean? I mean, we said that the penis massage robot was gonna start the uprising, right? That there’s gonna be a robot that’s gonna be in charge of massaging penises.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Where is it?
Casey:
Where is it? We’re in trouble. Blablabla… And then, it’s not like someone came up with some kind of rinky-dink little penis device that it’d be laughable if this thing ever gained sentience and actually destroyed the world or teamed up with other similar penis massage robots in the world. This thing has gears, pulleys…
Jeff:
Yep, belts…
Casey:
Belts…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The formable outer skin…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
A computer connection so that it can transfer data… Like, it is a full-on android, okay?
Jeff:
It’s like the Nike shoes where you upload your performance.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s like, “Oh, man. Even less time this time.”
Casey:
Yeah. So it’s like… Oh, and also, 2 weeks ago or whatever, the neck massage robot killed 3 people.
Jeff:
Yep. It’s a matter of time.
Casey:
I mean, I was thinking, like, 50 years in the future robot uprising, right? It’s gonna be, like, next year. It’s gonna be 2010 — penis massage robots take over the world or whatever.
Jeff:
We’re only a couple years from penis massage robots sending penis massage robots back in time to massage people in the past.
Casey:
Yes. To try and massage penises that cause them trouble later on.
Jeff:
To massage John Connor, right.
Casey:
Yeah, John Cocker or something. I’m not sure what the porn name would’ve been. But, yeah, it just doesn’t seem…
Jeff:
It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
I don’t understand.
Jeff:
That device, when they had the cutaway of all the inner workings…
Casey:
Yeah, I’m looking at that cutaway right now.
Jeff:
I’m like, “Don’t show the cutaway.”
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
It was terrifying.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It looks sort of like… It looks not dissimilar to one of those kind of old patent drawings of, like, the first steam powered sewing mill machine or something, like crazy old…
Jeff:
Yes. There’s lots of figure 1’s and italics…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like Fig.1 and that way…
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t even know…
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s totally old time-y looking. But the thing is I thought it looked like a pencil sharpener. And I’m like, “There’s no way I’m getting near that thing.” And apparently…
Casey:
Well, it does say here that it was designed by a former NASA engineer.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
And you know how well their programs tend to go… What could possibly go wrong?
Jeff:
See, I think the former NASA engineer…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like, “Ooh, whoops, we put in the radius in centimeters instead of inches and we crushed your penis.” It’s like, “Sorry about that.”
Jeff:
Well, I think the thing that… Like, former NASA engineer is kind of like when you want to have a start-up so you say, “He’s a developer who used to be at Microsoft working on Direct X,” right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, there’s 10 people in the Direct X group who actually know what they’re doing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then there’s 500 people that just stick it on their résumé and then go start a startup somewhere.
Casey:
Now, anyone who’s giving money to someone with the résumé of “worked on the Direct X team”… A fool and his money are soon parted. I have land for you in Floridy. My good friend, Maddoff, has underwritten the whole thing…
Jeff:
Yes. And it’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s great.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Why would you ever fund anyone who worked at Microsoft and left to start a company.
Jeff:
A driver and its hardware are soon parted.
Casey:
That’s just retarded at this point. I have no idea why you would do that. That doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
The best part of that is also on the Microsoft front. I don’t know if you… I’m sure you have. You probably go on to lunch with someone at Microsoft or something. They’ve got the Xbox Live arcade teams and the Microsoft Surface team and so on.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Are in this building down on Willows Road…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
You know where I’m talking about?
Jeff:
No, not exactly.
Casey:
And right near there, there is also a I guess consulting company or something called “Directions on Microsoft”, right?
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
It’s like some company… You know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
No, no, that’s the guy that does… Yeah, I know Directions on Microsoft.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like a company that…
Jeff:
Everybody listens to them as, like, “Oh, they’re talking about Sequel Server.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And it’s like, “They’re making shit up.”
Casey:
Well, okay, here’s the thing is I’m wondering… Microsoft is so fucking slow and lethargic. What possible benefit could there be to inside information into what Microsoft is going to announce? Have they ever, in their history, ever once surprised you? I’m asking the listeners out there. Have you ever been like, “Holy shit. I didn’t see that coming.” Of course not.
Jeff:
Have they ever had the moment, like… Apple has had… The first time I saw the Macintosh, I was like, “Holy shit.” Like, that seemed pretty amazing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The first time, in fact, you saw the iPhone, you said, “Holy shit, that looks really cool,” before you tried it and decided that you hated it.
Casey:
Well, actually, to be fair (and on the iPhone, as well), I think the hardware is actually quite nuts. It’s a good device.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s just I’ve never seen that… There’s never been somewhere in Microsoft where you went, “Holy shit. That’s freaking awesome.”
Casey:
Yeah, I’ve never had that experience.
Sean:
Oh, I had it last week.
Jeff:
Yeah, okay. Yeah, you were… You know, we traded a lot of emails. You were kind of defending Song Smith to some degree. “It has the gigabytes of sound samples.”
Sean:
Yeah, it’s surprisingly good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Sean:
It had 850 megabytes of samples.
Jeff:
See, the thing is…
Sean:
And there’s hundreds and hundreds of chords and you can substitute those chords really well. It’s just all over the place with its awesome-ness.
Jeff:
I think the thing is…
Casey:
Sean Barrett…
Jeff:
Like, in any creative endeavor…
Casey:
For Microsoft Song Smith…
Jeff:
I think once you have been through the creative process with someone, you have a bond that can’t be broken. And Sean has that bond with Song Smith. They have created together.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they created something new. And now, no one can take that away from either one of them.
Casey:
Do you have that same thing about Word? Like if you typed a document into it? I don’t you.
Sean:
With Clippie, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, with Clippie. Me and Clippie. Hey, where is the virtual character in Microsoft Song Smith? Why isn’t there a fucking dancing note with some googly eyes and hair that goes in the staff or whatever?
Jeff:
Oh, man. Yeah, let’s not do Song Smith again. I could keep going. But you know, the internet’s on top of Song Smith.
Casey:
They got it under control.
Jeff:
Yeah, they got it for us.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re doing it. I don’t think enough people are talking about the crazy controls in Song Smith. Like…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Well, but that’s because audio softwares always have those. That’s nothing new.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
They always have these ridiculous controls that no one should ever have used to control anything.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they were an artifact of some analog device at some point. It had this control because it was the most convenient thing to stick on to the actual underlying mechanism. And now, they’ve duplicated that control…
Jeff:
Yep, it’s important.
Casey:
Into the software and you’re like, “Whoa. What?”
Jeff:
And so, you never know, on a mouse, where to click.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is it on the dial? Do I move it up or to the right?
Casey:
Well, it’s exacerbated by the fact that if you’re going to have something that looks like something you would use your hand to control (that’s what she said), there’s sort of…
Jeff:
You know, I anticipated that one.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I was like, as it’s coming out…
Casey:
Me, too. I saw it coming the whole way.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
I saw it coming. That’s what she said.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Anyway, the point is once you create an analog control like that that looks like something that you would have been using not on a computer screen…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You kind of have an obligation to write some very good mouse processing code that means that it will always operate exactly as the user intuits that it should.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And never have I seen that part of the obligation fulfilled. It’s usually like it map to left and right drag. So it doesn’t matter where you click on the control. You can’t spin it in a circle. That doesn’t work even though it’s a circular… You just roll left to right and it spins, you know. It’s like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Jeff:
That’s awesome. It’s like you attach a string to the dial and then you’re pulling the string. That’s what they’re trying to tell you what’s happening.
Casey:
Now, you know, I don’t want to get into RAD Game Tools’ financials here…
Jeff:
Game Tools…
Casey:
But I know that you guys pulled down a lot of cash. Can you not afford cups that hold more than, like, 5 milliliters of water?
Jeff:
No, here’s a couple things…
Casey:
I sort of…
Jeff:
If you help [ lower the net ]…
Casey:
Slightly tip the cup up and it’s like, “Oh, it’s gone.”
Jeff:
I like the Styrofoam cups because they keep…
Casey:
Styrofoam cups come in multiple sizes, okay. This is not the biggest Styrofoam cup.
Jeff:
If I got you a bigger one…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’d be going to the bathroom 10 times during the podcast.
Casey:
So what? So that’s what the pause is for. That’s what the pause button is for. Pause the thing.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Just because you can’t figure out how to pause the MegaTimer…
Jeff:
That’s true, a little bit.
Casey:
Doesn’t mean that I should have to have this…
Jeff:
Oh, the MegaTimer’s not started. How long have we talked?
Casey:
It’s not even started? I have no idea.
Jeff:
Here. Alright, everybody. Alright, here we go. Here we go.
Casey:
Did you restart it?
Jeff:
It’s going now.
Sean:
[ Reaper’s in ] 30 minutes but we started it way before we started. So…
Jeff:
Because we have so much good material before. You know, our pre-production meetings should be videotaped because they’re so good.
Casey:
Yeah. Hello and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Mostly, it’s you complaining about cups, the distance of your chair to the desk, where the couch is, all of this… So wait, about the penis massage robot…
Casey:
I think we actually have been talking, though, for about 20 minutes, at least.
Jeff:
Alright, let’s count that.
Casey:
At least.
Jeff:
Well, I wanted to bring up one thing on the penis massage robot because coincidentally, I got… You know when you go into Wikipedia and it randomly selects a thing for the day? Like, it has, “On this day, something happened…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. One of the somethings…
Casey:
This day in history kind of thing?
Jeff:
Yeah. One of the things was this biologist who named… What do you call… I can’t think of what it’s called for people who study flowers. There’s a name for that.
Casey:
Losers?
Jeff:
Losers, alright. So there’s a loser scientist, basically…
Casey:
I think the word you’re looking for is botanist, probably.
Jeff:
No, no, no. There’s one for flowers…
Casey:
Oh, so not plants but only flowers?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
A florist?
Jeff:
Yeah. No, I don’t think that’s it. That would be like saying a doctor is a mortician, basically the same thing, right? Anyway, this dude…
Casey:
That’s a great line. It’s very out of character for our podcast to have something so succinct and poignant, actually.
Jeff:
So this guy named something that orchids do which is that over the course of the millions of years they’ve evolved, the inside of the flower has grown to resemble the sexual organs of ants. There’s some that look like wasps’, there’s some that look like butterflies’.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the idea is that the male of the species hits down on the flower and totally works it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, gets busy with the flower and then pollinates all the other flowers because he’s like, “This is awesome. There’s so much ant ass here. I’m getting busy all over.”
Casey:
It’s like the glory hole?
Jeff:
Yes, basically. Yes. So what I was thinking is men are not that different than our animal counterparts, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s just not that big a difference.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
The number of professions that we would no longer have to pay labor costs for if we installed one of these penis massage robots is pretty much unbounded. If there was one of these on every mailbox, we’d never have to deliver… FedEx would go out of business because people would go from door to door, fucking the robots.
Casey:
Well… Okay. No. Hold on a second. Here’s the thing, right. So the way that it works is that the pollen gets on to the bee, okay.
Jeff:
I’m not saying we’re pollinating the mailboxes.
Casey:
No, what I’m saying is you’re forgetting the fact that the guy, if he’s not getting paid, is not gonna voluntarily carry mail. So you got more work to do.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Yes, he will go from house to house…
Jeff:
Ah, I see. But we need to figure out…
Casey:
But he will not go on any particular route from house to house.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Nor will he carry mail. So you have to actually have a system where the mail sort of sticks to him like you put a backpack on him when he’s not paying attention…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And then, people grab their mail out of it as he’s fucking their door handle or whatever you… Right?
Jeff:
Humping the mailbox.
Casey:
Which is a little odd…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, there’s a lot of work to be done here. The engineering is not as simple as I think you’re making it sound.
Jeff:
Well, you know, sometimes, when I want to take a lot of data home, it’s faster to copy it on a USB and then carry the USB home than it is to copy it over to a link.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So if we had them… Like, if you wanted to fuck the little mailboxes, if he had to have a USB key somehow installed next to him, then you could use them for data transmittal, certainly, at the very least, because you’d have the hub built… There’s probably… Wait, it has a computer connection, doesn’t it?
Casey:
The penis massage robot has some kind of USB thing, I think or something because it’s supposed to synchronize to porn or something.
Jeff:
Do not plug in the penis massage robot before putting in the disc.
Casey:
Okay. “By hooking it up to your computer and the Real Touch website, the device will sync its motion to a POV porn scene so the Real Touch user can actually feel what it might be like to be sucked by…” And it lists two people here. “Sasha Gray…”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Ring any bells? “Or ridden by Ashlynn Brooke.” And Ashlynn is spelled A-S-H-L-Y-N-N. Is that the actual spelling for that name? I have no idea.
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
“If either of those women were plastic and the size of a canister…” Okay. That’s referring to the… They’re probably partly made of plastic, I’m guessing.
Jeff:
Yeah, at least 20%.
Casey:
So there you go.
Jeff:
Wow. That is pretty crazy. So you don’t think that we can use these to make the world a better place? To lower cost of delivery?
Casey:
Well, what I was thinking was did they [ Mo Cap ]? Did they use [ Mo Cap ] for the penis massage robot?
Jeff:
You mean for the computer Real Touch web thing?
Casey:
It says, “The user can actually feel what it might be like to be sucked by…” And it lists actual people.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Did they fucking put a [ Mo Cap ] suit with complete [ Mo Cap ] technology over the entire person…
Jeff:
If you looked at that data without the video next to it, you don’t think you’d be able to figure out what it was. You’d probably think it was, like, capture noise, because it’s just going back and forth. There’s kind of a circle and it moves back and forth over and over and over again. You just think like, “No, no. We have some [ capturer ].”
Casey:
It probably looks like a jelly fish is what it looks like. Some [ Mo Cap ] jellyfish. But the thing that I’m wondering is…
Jeff:
I don’t like the jelly fish.
Casey:
Do the clean up artists… I mean, [ Mo Cap ] usually goes through a clean-up phase…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In movies and shit, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So what I’m wondering is do they have the same clean up problems with the penis [ Mo Cap ]…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That they do with our kind of [ Mo Cap ]? Like, “Yeah, oh, man. When we did the [ Mo Cap ] session, actually, it was an 11-inch cock. And the user averages only a 7-inch cock. So we had to scale down the data which always leads to problems matching up the IK points, right, because it’s got scale variance so… That was a big pain in the ass.”
Jeff:
I bet that their system for capturing that stuff is nothing more than, like, every time there’s… They process the audio only. Every time there’s a kind of gagging noise, they move the penis massage robot up. That’s it. Done. A week’s worth of work.
Casey:
Maybe there’s dude sitting there with a proportional input… Like the trigger on an Xbox controller who’s supposed to kind of sync it up…
Jeff:
Mechanical torque… The dude is getting paid for some bad action. Then you’d be like, “Oh, man. I was watching some porn today. Man, my trigger finger really hurts.”
Casey:
It’s a different finger than normally hurts, yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, brother.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So, alright. Well, you got nothing as far as improving our society through this. This is just gonna lead to time travelling penis massage robots.
Casey:
What, the penis massage robots.
Jeff:
There’s nothing good that’s gonna come from this is what you’re saying.
Casey:
More penis massages, if I should state the obvious but, like… Kind of what it was designed for. I’m guessing that upon release of the penis massage robot, more penises will be massaged automatically than previously. Now, I’m not claiming there’ll be a reduction in manual penis massage. If there is, it’s entirely possible that some people will actually complain that their job, their manual massage job, has been taken over by these robots, right?
Jeff:
Right. Petition Congress…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. It’s like, they’ll form a union of manual…
Jeff:
Manual laborers?
Casey:
The Handjob-ers’ Union…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
They’re like, “I can’t get any work with all these robots running around.”
Jeff:
“They’re stealing our jobs.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Where, they could be like… If prostitution wasn’t against the law… Maybe in Las Vegas, there’d be a bunch of people protesting the penis massage robot…
Jeff:
Right. That’s completely unacceptable.
Casey:
And then the Japanese, right, because they’re… Speaking of 2 things, they’re always on the forefront of… Will have no problem in their society adopting penis massage technology…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
And they’ll be way ahead of us and we’ll be playing catch-up 20 years from now.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There were 2 other things that were related to this and these are people trying to be clever with their products. And we want to tell them from the Jeff & Casey Show to just stop.
Casey:
Yeah. Because we know they listen to this show since…
Jeff:
As all people do…
Casey:
Since almost everyone… Statistically speaking, it’s far more likely that you listen to the show than you don’t…
Jeff:
Yes, exactly. So, yeah, we had 2 of them come up within weeks. Now, it could be that these have been around forever and people are now just like, “Jeff & Casey. Cock. We need to send it to them,” right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So the 2 products are — The Wunder Boner…
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Is it “Wonder” or “Voon-der”? Because it’s got a U. The “Voon-der Boner”.
Casey:
It’s the “Wonder” Boner I think because I believe, on the ad, the announcer dude, like, said it multiple times and he said “Wonder”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Not “Vun-der”.
Jeff:
Like Wonder Bread. Wunder Boner.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. So Wunder Boner removes the guts of fish somehow….
Casey:
Not somehow. Not somehow at all. By doing sort of a giant foreskin scrape-away process…
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
It’s really explicit and disgusting.
Jeff:
Oy vey…
Casey:
It does not look pretty.
Jeff:
Yes. So, yeah, that and then we also had the…
Casey:
I mean, if you haven’t seen this… And you should obviously look for Wunder Boner online. Just try to spell that right, because otherwise, you’re in trouble.
Jeff:
Yeah. I think you’re in trouble no matter what. You just type that in…
Casey:
Look for the Wunder Boner and you can see it. It’s essentially a wooden base piece, a square flat wooden base piece with what looks like a clothes hanger wire sticking straight up with a look at the end of it. And the idea is that this device (which I’m sure is available to you for 3 easy installments of $9.99 even though it costs 1 cent to make), is that you shove the fish down, spine first…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Length-wise…
Jeff:
I think you cut the head off…
Casey:
Through this thing so that it will sort of scoop the spine out of the fish by passing all of the ancillary bones sticking out the spine through that ring.
Jeff:
Right, it pulls the bones out.
Casey:
Through that loop at the end.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So that it will separate them from the flesh, leaving you with just a pulpy fish mass.
Jeff:
Yes, ready for eating.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The number of things that I will never do that are shown in this add are staggering.
Jeff:
Wait, you’ve never…
Casey:
Being on a rowboat with some dudes…
Jeff:
Wait, you’ve never gone fishing?
Casey:
Skinning a fish.
Jeff:
Seriously, you’ve never been fishing?
Casey:
Using a Wunder Boner. Paying someone for a block of wood with a wire sticking out of it. Like, it’s essentially a 5-minute advertisement that has probably 70 things in it that I’m not going to do.
Jeff:
I’m shocked that you’ve never been fishing.
Casey:
Drinking a beer. You can keep listing them.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
Fishing is the most boring thing that I’ve ever even remotely… I experienced it once from… Like, not in a boat but off the side of a… You know…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Right, just thrown into a pond…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
God damn. It is so boring.
Jeff:
Yeah. I haven’t been fishing since I was a little boy but I used to like fly fishing because there’s stuff to do on that because you’re always casting. Just casting over and over again. Anyway, don’t… Okay. They’ve got to rename their shit. The other product is… Now, this one, because I say things a little differently… How do you say caulk? I say caulk. Do you say it that way?
Casey:
No, I usually say caulk.
Jeff:
Okay. So the Pro Caulk…
Casey:
No, I don’t say cock. I say caulk.
Jeff:
That sounded exactly the same to me. Sean?
Sean:
Say it again.
Jeff:
Let’s hear it again.
Casey:
Well, cock is cock. Like…
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
Like, the thing that you stick in the penis massage robot is cock, right? The thing that you would prepare a wall with is caulk. There’s a slight difference in the two.
Sean:
Barely.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. That’s pretty subtle.
Casey:
Go analyze the wave form. You’ve got it recorded now.
Jeff:
Yeah, well, when you saw the commercial, I just kept reading it as “Pro Caulk” and I was like, “Why is everybody sending us this video?”
Casey:
Oh, okay. You’re like, “Oh, the Pro Caulk video.”
Jeff:
Right. And I’m not getting it. But again, this is another one of the videos where they made a product, named it something funny, and then, they make a lot of silly jokes like…
Casey:
There was a Saturday Night Live skit where they just kept saying cock all the time, right. Like, that was the thing. It was a home improvement show and they’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna have to get some caulk in here.”
Jeff:
I see. I guess maybe that’s…
Casey:
“Are you using black caulk or white caulk on that shower?”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
That kind of thing.
Jeff:
Well, we want people… We are telling people to stop doing that. Unless you’re gonna go all the way… The Wunder Boner almost went all the way because the whole time, he’s like, “My wife’s gonna love the Wunder Boner.”
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
They started working it but then they pulled back. They pulled out, if you will.
Casey:
They didn’t work it enough.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They Catholic-ed it up a bit.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. It’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
Fair enough.
Jeff:
Keeping… Zooming through the links, we got this last week…
Casey:
You know, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of having low energy on this show.
Jeff:
I have good energy.
Casey:
You are totally wilted.
Jeff:
No. I’m not wilted.
Casey:
Here’s the transition. You’re like, “Keeping in on the theme of… Ooh, boy. It’s hot in here in the podcast studios…”
Jeff:
Stop it. I don’t have a transition here. All I have is… In fact, all I have written down is…
Casey:
“Here on the Robert Redford Minute…”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“Looks like you’ve moved over to a different rocking chair today. Maybe get some lemonade later.”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“Wilfred [ Brimley ] stopped by again. It looks like he trimmed his mustache.”
Jeff:
Stop it! Okay. All I have written down here… And I think you have it up so you’re gonna read it, low energy boy, is “Sold Daughter”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. So you want to read this one?
Casey:
Now, I feel like “Sold” is not entirely an accurate description here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s partially true. It’s more like bartered.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
“Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer, and several,” (so I guess we don’t know the exact number)…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
“Several cases of meat.”
Jeff:
Okay. Not one case but several.
Casey:
Now, it doesn’t really matter that we don’t know how many cases of meat because I don’t really know how much is a case of meat, anyway, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Like, sides of beef would’ve been something that we could’ve maybe had an opinion about. But several cases of meat…
Jeff:
So 16K, a bunch of beer…
Casey:
$16,000, 100 cases of beer (who could put a price on that?)…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Budweiser…
Casey:
And several cases of meat… Pabst Blue Ribbon…
Sean:
“I’m selling off my daughter for money, beer, and meat…”
Jeff:
Money, beer, meat…
Casey:
Can you Song Smith that?
Jeff:
Yes, we’ll have a little action…
Casey:
Actually, you can’t because it can’t read WAV files. But Sean can sing it again…
Jeff:
It can only record? Oh, my God.
Casey:
I’m not done.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So this was a 36-year old man, sold his 14-year old daughter for those items. And that’s why I said [ hard ] because it’s cash plus goods. I don’t know what you want to call that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Details of the contract were not fully disclosed.”
Jeff:
Right. I’m sure that was reviewed by legal…
Casey:
Now, he sold them… He sold this to an 18-year old man. And apparently…
Jeff:
He’s 18?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, apparently, the reason that they caught this guy, the 36-year old for selling his daughter is because the 18-year old failed to pay the fully-negotiated price of whatever…
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Didn’t come up with the cash or whatever…
Casey:
So the 36-year old went to the police and turned him in.
Jeff:
Yeah, of course.
Casey:
He’s like, “Dude said he would pay this for my daughter and he didn’t pay.”
Jeff:
Right. “He offered to give me my daughter back but obviously not in previous condition…”
Casey:
Contract Law says that that’s not how it works, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I mean, everyone knows that Contract Law means you have to fulfill the contract. You can’t just decide to not take the thing that you agreed to and then not do the rest of the shit that you wanted. That’s not how contracts work.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, unless they have a clause that says you can.
Jeff:
I think it’s even more specific than that. He actually delivered everything except the meat, right? If you continue reading…
Casey:
It simply says, “Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn’t made as promised.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
That’s all it says.
Jeff:
Okay. I thought that he paid everything else but the meat was not forthcoming.
Casey:
Well, in Greenfield, California, apparently… Well… Yeah.
Jeff:
It is California?
Casey:
Pun intended. Yeah, Greenfield, California. It says that police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small central coast farming community, which explains the meat situation, I guess. So the thing is… Again, the investigative reporting here, not what it should have been.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m interested to know, is $16,000 plus a hundred cases of beer, plus several cases of meat a high or a low price for a 14-year old girl. If, for example… Like, I’m thinking…
Jeff:
We’ll have to check EBay, clearly.
Casey:
“Memoirs of a Geisha” here, right? Or I guess I should say geisha… Whatever…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
My Japanese pronunciation not being what it probably should be…
Jeff:
Well, geisha’s a guy. Sorry. Go.
Casey:
I’m thinking there is some kind of an arranged marriage hierarchy there where the really good eligible daughters go for several more cases of meat than sort of the less desirable ones, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So I’m wondering what’s the high end?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is she the high end? Was this a particularly valuable 14-year old?
Jeff:
Or is this just like…
Casey:
Or it’s just like, no, you know, if you can’t pull more than several cases of meat, then you’re just not even…
Jeff:
Yeah. I mean, unless you put it on a site like EBay where you get multiple bidders, you’re never gonna know how good a deal you’re getting, right? The problem is it’s really a buyer’s market. And so, you have to protect yourself.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, look at Kelly’s Blue Book and see what you want to have.
Casey:
Right. Well, Kelly’s Blue Book is usually more for used daughters, though. So that’s kind of more like an aftermarket thing where it’s like… Or if you’ve already been married once or twice…
Jeff:
You just look up on the year she was born and then…
Casey:
Yeah. Okay. That’s a good point.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I guess you do have a point there. The other thing about that, right, is that I feel that it’s probably somewhat seasonal, right? And that’s a little bit of a problem, right?
Jeff:
That’s true. Right.
Casey:
The cases of meat… You know, you’re gonna be flushed with meat in kind of the fall slaughtering season.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? So maybe since this is kind of the winter time, maybe she didn’t pull down as many cases of meat as she would have…
Jeff:
In the summer…
Casey:
Just basically because people didn’t have as much to bid.
Jeff:
Well, the thing is this is true of Washington and Oregon, as well, is once you get off the coastal towns, the kind of liberal normal towns, all of these states go bananas quick. Like, they go nuts.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I mean, scary places if you get off I-5 in Oregon, for example. You do not want to get far off. Let them gas up your car. I mean, you can’t do it yourself. Let them do it and get the hell out of there.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
You do not want to turn the wrong way and go east in Washington, east in that. And apparently, in California… I thought California was pretty good all the way through. But apparently, they have the same problem.
Casey:
It’s a long state, dude.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
There’s a lot of places in between. Real places. Not so good places in between good places, if you will.
Jeff:
Yeah. It is not the way it should go. It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
The other thing, too, about this story that’s a little bit weird is apparently, the girl went willingly in this situation.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, how they determined that, I have no idea. So who knows if that’s accurate or not.
Jeff:
Well, I imagine the guy’s… Not her dad, her 36-year old dad…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Not the best dad.
Casey:
Probably not.
Jeff:
Not a good situation, regardless.
Casey:
Exactly. So at that point, it starts to sound more like kind of the whole traditional marriage thing, anyway. It’s like, these two people are getting married off and the maybe would’ve married anyway but there’s a dowry.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And instead of opening it up and there’s a golden chalice or whatever, there’s Pabst Blue Ribbon and a big fucking steak.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
That’s kind of what I’m envisioning in my mind. There’s this kind of chest of White trash goodies. It’s everything you could possibly imagine…
Jeff:
Right. Well, maybe this is all a big misunderstanding.
Casey:
From fucking Slim Jims to one of those little hats that has 2 different beers that you can put on either side of it with a straw, right? And it’s like, you’re hoping to hook up with one of the girls whose dads has… Oh, wait. It goes the other way. Sorry. The guy is paying for the girl. Okay. So you’re hoping that your daughter’s boyfriend has a number of these coveted items…
Jeff:
The good action. Yep.
Casey:
You know, Paul Malls, whatever. I don’t know what. Mayonnaise.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
I just think maybe it’s a big misunderstanding.
Casey:
Bicycle with a [ card in the tires ].
Jeff:
Maybe the Omaha State delivery is just…
Casey:
Cinder blocks. A Trans Am. An El Camino.
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
Jeff’s El Camino. A mullet. Mullet sheers.
Jeff:
Stop it. You’re getting close. When I was at this…
Casey:
The Wunder Mullet. It’s like a [ Flow Bee ] but it only cuts mullets.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In fact… Oh, my God. Dude, this is the thing, right. A [ Flow Bee ] that’s curved and the whole half the circumference of your head that you just pull back a hair band. And when it’s done, it’s a mullet. It only has shavers on the sides and not on the top, right?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
The Wunder Mullet. The Flow Mullet.
Jeff:
I was looking at wedding pictures this weekend, actually, when I noticed I had the mullet. And my brother’s hair…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Even more mullet… Brandon called them mullies. I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was like, “Check out them mullies.” It took me a minute to catch on. But yeah, they were even more out of control. This was simply mullet-central.
Casey:
So what you’re saying is you looked at the picture and it was like, “Ooh, ba-bam-bam…”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“The guy’s got a little ba-bam-bam going down on his ba-bam.”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Why don’t you take a ba-bam to those and just go bam.
Jeff:
Stop. Stop it. Oh, my God. You want another good segue?
Casey:
Your segues have sucked this entire show.
Jeff:
Ubuntu. I know. Ubuntu.
Casey:
Ubuntu?
Jeff:
Yes, that’s it. Doesn’t that mean… What does that mean again? Success or good something. It’s like the saying that some pro sports…
Casey:
In another language?
Jeff:
Yes. Some sports team used it, as well. Are you looking it up? It means something. It doesn’t matter.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Why are you looking up a fact on the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
That’s a very good question.
Jeff:
Let’s just stop right there.
Casey:
Because there’s a first time for everything?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, anyway, why don’t you tell the story of this genius?
Casey:
I’m not really sure what the story is, per se. There isn’t much of a story.
Jeff:
Did you watch the video or just read the article?
Casey:
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know there was a video.
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s a video attached to it.
Casey:
Oh. Well, maybe you should tell the story, then. What did they say in the video?
Jeff:
Well, it’s like… You know when the local news has the Problem Solvers?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Well, okay.
Casey:
Because, A, I don’t watch local news. And B, if I did, I wouldn’t admit it on air.
Jeff:
No, this is awesome.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The local news has this thing where they usually have some shitty reporter and you call him and leave voice messages and say, like, “AT&T won't get my fucking iPhone working.” And then, he calls Apple Corporate and says, “I’m from KTVX in wherever…” And then gets a statement from them. They get a statement from you. And then, they try to resolve the problem. They’re usually called Problem Solvers.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
All stations have one of these douches that do this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, the video’s terrific because it has the two anchors. And they’re like, “Ubuntu is not a word you hear every day but one local woman wished she hadn’t heard it at all.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Right. And then the guy says…
Casey:
Who writes those things?
Jeff:
I don’t know. A computer. Some program.
Casey:
There’s probably a Mad Lib. You just fill in some blanks and then…
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, they cut to the dude who explains in really dire… I mean, he could be describing the man who sold the daughter, something horrific like that, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, completely horrible story. But he’s describing the fact that she ordered a Dell and accidentally chose “Install Ubuntu” instead of Windows.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And because of this, she received her laptop. And not only could she not install the Verizon DSL because it came with some autoplayable…
Casey:
Install the Verizon DSL?
Jeff:
Yeah. And like…
Casey:
Pro-tip…
Jeff:
Yeah, you do not need…
Casey:
The DSL does not need to be installed.
Jeff:
Yes. It probably is better if it wasn’t because it’s not gonna install like Speed Booster and all that shit, right?
Casey:
No, shit.
Jeff:
So anyway…
Casey:
So basically, what we’re saying is that normally, your Verizon connection would not have worked after you installed the DSL thing whereas in this case, it just didn’t work before.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
They saved you one stepped of getting to a non-working machine.
Jeff:
Yeah. So she couldn’t get on and so she was not able to sign up for her classes in the next quarter. And that was bad news. And then further…
Casey:
She was not able to sign up? Like there was no way to sign up for them. Like, the library of this “university”…
Jeff:
This sounds like, you know, when somebody gives you a shitty excuse and you’re like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it’s blown up and ended up on fucking TV and this girl’s going, “Oh, fuck. My parents are gonna kill me.”
Casey:
She went through 3 semesters of the college saying she couldn’t finish her homework because of Ubuntu.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And then finally, they just kicked her ass out. And now, she’s like, “It’s Ubuntu.”
Jeff:
Yeah. And then Problem Solvers saved the day.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Anyway, so the next thing she tried to do is she somehow got signed up for some class and they only accepted the course work in Word format, which of course, she was not able to run Word. She expected to be able to run Word because this is her Dell laptop.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Only, it’s Ubuntu. So she was not able to run Microsoft Word.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Yes. So she’s a genius is what we’re saying. And she has got multiple excuses. She’s kind of extending the story to come up with multiple ways for her not to show up to work. I felt like as you said that this was, like, some dude… And she was kind of pretty. So I’m assuming the reporter was like, “Hey,” you know, talking to her on the bus or something, “you seem a little down. What’s wrong?” And then she says, “Oh, my Ubuntu. It’s totally fucked me. I can’t get good grades. I’m gonna get kicked out of school.”
Casey:
And he’s like, “I’ve never heard it called an Ubuntu before.” And she’s like, “No, it’s an operating system for my Dell computer.”
Jeff:
Stop it. No. It’s a great video. She doesn’t know what Ubuntu is. The whole video is awesome. She also said that she called Dell to complain and Dell said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Most college students love that Ubuntu.”
Casey:
Right, because they have a firing synapse somewhere in there.
Jeff:
It was awesome.
Casey:
Correct me if I’m wrong but as far as I can tell, college students, right, either they’re CS people or into computers, in which case they would fucking know what Ubuntu was, or they’re not, in which case, they won’t do anything besides use a web browser all day to read shit. Like, that’s it, right, and watch videos or something; not dissimilar to what you do every day.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
At your job.
Jeff:
No. You know what, I was gonna talk about this actually. I was coming back on the airplane. And right in front of me, in the row over, was this dude…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This was the dude that I said that I think has a toe-thumb, right. He looked like he had a toe for a thumb.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, he was bragging to this dude that was next to him. Like, “I run a software company…”
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Yeah. He was saying this.
Casey:
What kind of… Could you get more… Because I love those conversations. Those are gold.
Jeff:
You would’ve loved this guy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. Because I got little pieces of this and it was all good.
Casey:
What kind of sof--… You couldn’t tell?
Jeff:
I don’t know, maybe reattaching other [ good software ]…
Casey:
Was he trying to get in good with a girl or something? Because those are the best.
Jeff:
No, this was actually a funny one. Okay. So the guy that was sitting next to him was total gangster dude. Great big Black guy with crazy designer jeans and a t-shirt and an earring and tats all over. And he’s like, “Oh, I’m on the window.” And the guy next to him kind of looked at him and I was like, “Oh, man. They’re like oil and water.” They totally bonded. And I’ll tell you why in a second.
Casey:
Weird. Because he had a toe thumb?
Jeff:
No. Well, no, toe thumb may have done it but there was another reason, even better.
Casey:
“I killed a man with this thumb.”
Jeff:
Exactly. I watched him boot up his computer because he was gonna show him something. I thought he was gonna show him software.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He booted up the computer and he supposedly runs a software company…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s typing with his toe fingers all weird…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, he gets to the end of the password and he takes his hand off the keyboard, slides over and clicks on the Okay button.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
And I’m like, “You’re fired. You do not belong to a software company if you click on the button for your password entry.” That’s just not… Anyway, the thing he brought up… Turns out this dude is married to a Black lady and he showed 500 pictures of her in swimsuits to the other dude.
Casey:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Jeff:
No. And he’s showing all these pictures to the dude next to him and the guy was going, “Damn,” in every picture. It was hysterical.
Casey:
Okay. I would be uncomfortable with this even from the other row. I’d be like, “Wait. What?”
Jeff:
I could not believe it.
Casey:
But first of all, it’s like, “Oh, speaking of the fact that you’re Black, I’m married to a Black woman.”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
“Want to check her out?” Like…
Jeff:
Yes, that’s exactly what happened.
Casey:
Just in that sentence, I’m already losing my shit. My comfort level has dropped precipitously, not once but twice.
Jeff:
Yep. It was awesome. Just picture after picture. I’m like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s gonna click on the wrong folder…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because these were provocative photos already…
Casey:
No. Right.
Jeff:
And like, “Damn, damn, damn…”
Casey:
And that didn’t happen? Damn.
Jeff:
No, it kept going. It was hysterical. I expected…
Casey:
Well, I’m glad you sprung for the angles monitor…
Jeff:
Yeah. I expected…
Casey:
Wide view angle LCD… Woo, boy…
Jeff:
I totally didn’t see that one coming because he booted it up. I thought he was gonna show software and then, like, whammo, bikinis, this girl… And I’m like…
Casey:
Awesome…
Jeff:
Okay. That’s kind of racially weird. And he’s like…
Casey:
How did you know it was his wife?
Jeff:
I heard him say, “This is my wife.” And then he had his grandma… And you know like…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Wait. I gotta tell you. You know like Tyler Perry movies where he dresses up… His grandma looked exactly… I mean, this guy is the Whitest guy on the plane, by the way. He’s got gray hair. He’s an older man…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, he has, I swear, it was like the grandma from a Tyler Perry movie. Really heavyset and wrinkly, hair pulled back in a bun. It was so insane.
Casey:
Wait. But is she white?
Jeff:
Who?
Casey:
The grandma?
Jeff:
No, it was the mother of his wife.
Casey:
Oh, his in-law?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes a little more sense.
Jeff:
The other thing was in all the pictures, it was like a great big family gathering, like, I don’t know, 50 African American people and him.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And he was a tall, big… He’s a heavyset big dude. So he was, like…
Casey:
And he’s just like, “Damn.”
Jeff:
“I’m all up in it.” He was working it.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
It was totally [inaudible 56:10]
Casey:
That’s pretty awesome. I liked the whole…
Jeff:
And they totally got into it and they were talking and, “Damn,” every few minutes. It was… I started to feel like… At first, the one dude by the window was talking very loudly. Like, “Hey, I’m doing this thing with kids,” and talking really loud and fast. And I kind of thought that the White dude was getting uncomfortable. But I think he flipped it around and he made the other guy… By the end, the other guy was totally uncomfortable.
Casey:
It sounds like the White dude was pretty unsettling to me.
Jeff:
Yeah, he was like, “You know what, you think you can make me uncomfortable?”
Casey:
He’s like, “You are so fucking…”
Jeff:
“Let me bring it up a notch. Are you ready for this? Wham!”
Sean:
I was really hoping you were gonna say he opened up the laptop and turned on Song Smith.
Jeff:
Yeah, no.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Sean:
“I’m married to a Black girl…”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Sean:
“She’s really damn…”
Jeff:
Damn… And then a little cha-cha-cha at the end after the “damn”.
Casey:
Damn.
Jeff:
Anyway, it was bizarre but he did have…
Casey:
Oh, fuck. I think Reaper just stopped. Ha, made you look. Keep going.
Jeff:
Dude! Don’t…
Casey:
I was just thinking maybe it would work. I didn’t know.
Jeff:
It worked. My heart rate’s up after that. So we’re gonna do some Good/No Good’s for the first time in a couple weeks.
Casey:
I have rested control of the Good/No Good’s…
Jeff:
From our listeners?
Casey:
From our listeners. I apologize to any listeners who wanted their Good/No Good’s aired because, you know, I need some Good/No Good’s, too.
Jeff:
You need some questions answered?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I see. Alright.
Casey:
Because, you know, that was originally… If we’re going back to the roots here, it was me coming up with things for you to say whether they were Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So, Jeff, I know you recently got new office space in here.
Jeff:
I did.
Casey:
The RAD Game Tools new office and podcast studios, which of course involves the real estate world, a wonderful sort of subculture…
Jeff:
Of evil…
Casey:
Of evil… And it reminded me that once in a while, when you are perusing real estate advertisements for homes and such, you come across certain terms that you only see there.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And one of those terms is the Good/No Good. You see an ad for a home and it says that it has “old world charm”.
Jeff:
Okay. Good/No Good?
Casey:
Good/No Good?
Jeff:
That house is No Good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right away. In fact, if you are a loan officer and you are thinking of giving a loan to a house [ that has ] old world charm, that means the plumbing’s ready to go.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
There’s awesome-ness like, “Hey, the light switch is in the shower,” you know. That’s the kind of old world charm they used to do, right?
Casey:
Yeah, totally.
Jeff:
It means that the baby’s room has electrical outlets every 4 feet, right? This old world charm means they didn’t know what the fuck they were doing, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Some houses are awesome, that age well and are neat and cool. Those houses, you don’t need to advertise as old world charm.
Casey:
Because they’re worth millions of Dollars, right, yeah.
Jeff:
Because they’re a fortune and you don’t have to pull bullshit like that.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like a 1950’s trailer house that they’ve cemented to the ground, right, welded antenna on the top and said…
Casey:
“Hasn’t blown away in over 50 years.”
Jeff:
“Old world charm.” No, that’s No Good. Run away if you see that. There’s a couple terms that they kind of turn on you…
Casey:
Oh, is there another standard?
Jeff:
There’s another standard for 70’s kitchen…
Casey:
Oh, with the crazy linoleum…
Jeff:
Linoleum… And usually really…
Casey:
Weird colors like yellow and brown…
Jeff:
Right. I can’t remember what it is… But, yeah.
Casey:
White, yellow, and dark brown… Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s a lot of code words that you learn quick.
Casey:
Orange… I see…
Jeff:
That mean, yeah, you’re just basically fucked. “Fixer-upper”… That house is not inhabitable. That’s what that means. It means it hasn’t passed an inspection in 20 years. Fixer-upper means…
Casey:
Tear her down.
Jeff:
Tear her down.
Casey:
It’s interesting that you bring up the light switch thing because I have seen that sometimes where it’s literally impossible to infer what light will go on for any given light switch.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
In the middle of nowhere, you’re like, “I don’t even see a light. I cannot… There is no light within eyesight of this particular switch. So it’s anyone’s guess when I turn this on.”
Jeff:
My favorite thing is when they’re making cheap houses, what they’ll do is they’ll put a light switch in the room and all that light switch does is control the power to an outlet in the room and you’re supposed…
Casey:
Right, yes. Plug in your own goddamned light, yeah.
Jeff:
Exactly. We’re not gonna install a light, are you fucking crazy? We’ll burn the place down f we run more electricity through the room. We were way better off… Trust us. This is for your safety.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
You want to throw in the bare minimum on electrical…
Casey:
Yeah, right. And they’re like, “Well, how are we gonna put in wiring for our own thing?” And they’re like, “Oh, don’t worry. Those panels come right the fuck off.”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
“You’re not gonna have any problem at all.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. “If they don’t come down on their own, it will just be a little tap.”
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. Don’t buy any real estate at all, listeners, by the way, for a long time…
Casey:
Yeah, just don’t… Oh, God, no.
Jeff:
But in any case, yeah, you see those terms, run away.
Casey:
You know, one of the problems with these Good/No Good’s is my memory’s so fucking bad, I never remember which ones we do and don’t do.
Jeff:
Okay. I’m fine doing them again.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know what, it’s like repetition. We teach the people and sometimes they forget. By telling them again, they’ll be sure not to get in a No Good situation.
Casey:
Right. So I have 2 wardrobe-related Good/No Good’s.
Jeff:
Okay. I can help you with your wardrobe…
Casey:
And I’m not sure which one of these we’ve done before but I felt they were important enough that I’m willing to risk a double cover.
Jeff:
Alright. And these are together?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay, separate?
Casey:
They’re separate.
Jeff:
Alright, I’m ready.
Casey:
Number 1 is you are out and about, maybe walking to get some food or just taking a little stroll, which wouldn’t be something that you would do.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So you’re walking…
Jeff:
Imagine that I’m walking around…
Casey:
To your car from someplace…
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
At a mall… There you go. This will actually work.
Jeff:
I’m on my way to the parking lot?
Casey:
There you go.
Jeff:
I’m in the Costco parking lot, which is large.
Casey:
No, you’re not in the Costco parking lot.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re in the mall.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Something like that… You went to the AT&T store for your iPhone.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re walking out to your car, there we go. And in this mall, there’s a gym or a yoga place, some kind of a fitness studio where people go to workout.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And there’s people who have finished their workout and they have left the place but they are still in their workout clothes and appear to have no rush… They’re not in any particular hurry to change back into normal clothes, okay?
Jeff:
Ah, yes.
Casey:
They’re just hanging out. Maybe they go get something to eat or like a smoothie or walk around the mall. Maybe they’re carrying some of their fitness gear…
Jeff:
I can talk about the…
Casey:
Good/No Good?
Jeff:
This is No Good. And let me tell you the best one of these…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The best of the worst, if you will.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That is the yoga place down below the old RAD office was a hot yoga place.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And by hot, he doesn’t mean sexy.
Jeff:
Right. No.
Casey:
He means temperature.
Jeff:
This is pretty much the opposite. Like, you could fill this room with models. And at the end, the stench coming from this room… So for people that don’t know about hot yoga, they crank the temperature up to, like, 95.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They hold the poses for a long time. The idea is the temperature loosens you up.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And does it…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Most of the men strip down to just, like, tiny little man-kinis, right?
Casey:
Yes. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, the women strip down. And at the beginning, this is awesome.
Casey:
Right. Okay.
Jeff:
But now, at that temperature, everybody is sweating their balls off, even the women.
Casey:
Who don’t have any balls.
Jeff:
They’re sweating, okay?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Nobody looks good.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Everybody, like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The women are gonna impress the yoga teacher, the male yoga teacher they’re after, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
After about 5 minutes, their mascara…
Casey:
Oh, God…
Jeff:
The rouge is dripping…
Casey:
No. Oh, no.
Jeff:
And you kind of have, like… You know when they do geology stuff and you see some parts of the face has shifted and you can tell the age? That’s the thing. Near the hairline, you sweat more. So that’s gone.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, you have a little bit more coming in. No, it is awful.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The guys… That place, by the end of an hour thing… It smells worse than an aquarium. It’s the worst.
Casey:
Right. It’s like a clown body odor seminar.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Dude, it is the worst.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, when this lets out, everyone is exhausted.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’ve lost about 5 pounds of water…
Casey:
Or water weight, yeah…
Jeff:
They’re just exhausted.
Casey:
Yep, shrivel-y.
Jeff:
Yes, they’re all fucked up. Right. These are not good looking people.
Casey:
They’re steaming when they walk out of the thing, too, right? Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes. No, they literally are, right? Like… Yeah. So right next to them is a movie theater. So I’m, like, walking down to the movie theater. So you have to walk past. So all of them exit the class so the next class can go in. The next class, by the way… Be the first one at hot yoga, not the second…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. That’s right. Wow.
Jeff:
Because it just builds…
Casey:
Builds and builds, yeah.
Jeff:
Right. They’re sitting out there on the steps by the escalator down. You know what I’m talking about? They’re just all chatting. And the guys are just full-on hair, back hair…
Casey:
Oh, man…
Jeff:
Just sweating, steaming… The girls are talking to them because they know they don’t look any worse, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re just all frizzed out hair…
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
No makeup…
Casey:
Ugh…
Jeff:
Huge pits on the girls because they’re not… I mean, at least the guys take the shirt off so you’re not seeing just pits. The women still have their shirts on with full pitt-age…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It is so heinous.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And they have to sit out there for, like, 20-30 minutes because they know they can’t get in their car.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
If they drive home, that car is fucked up for a month.
Casey:
It’s gonna have, like, sweat stains and ass stains…
Jeff:
So they just wait and just drip on to the brick ground.
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
That whole area, like, the fungus and stuff that’s growing there is terrifying. No fucking good. And No Good at all. Like, if you’re gonna do hot yoga, you need to install showers. That should be mandatory. It should be, like, a public health thing.
Casey:
And more like a… Not a shower in the, like, you go into a locker room kind of shower but a Mormon shower where it’s just like the whole room has spray nozzles that just will just hose the whole fucking place down into a drain that’s built into the floor, right?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
That’s what you’re talking about.
Jeff:
Yeah. And that drain better not go into the lake…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Because everything in the lake will die.
Casey:
It kills all the fish.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
No Good.
Casey:
So, yeah. The final Good/No Good and the other clothing-related one is you have to go to some sort of a formal affair like you just did…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like a funeral or perhaps it would be a wedding, on a more upbeat note.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And everyone is there but some of the people there maybe have a different cultural heritage…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Than you have.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And so, instead of being dressed in a suit or some other type of formal wear, if you will…
Jeff:
Fancy clothes…
Casey:
They have chosen to follow their ancestry and show up in a kilt.
Jeff:
Oh, fuck.
Casey:
Possibly with optional knife and side-pouch things. I don’t know what they are.
Jeff:
I don’t know what it is. Okay. No fucking Good, alright?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So here… Like, I don’t even you the thought process. So there’s a whole bunch of things wrong with it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Let’s start with the fact that some dude thought this was a good idea.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, no one else is gonna do this. So obviously, he just wants to attract attention to himself.
Casey:
Presumably. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, “Yeah, they’re getting married. But look here. Balls.” Right? That’s No Good. It’s like, all you’re doing is just being a total cunt at that point to anybody else whose celebration you’re going to.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
If you’re the groom, maybe you decide that.
Casey:
Yeah. Still No Good but, yeah.
Jeff:
Still No Good but, like… If you’re a guest, yeah, you’re just being a total cock. Second thing is… You know, you’re wearing this completely out of context, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re 7th generation, one-thirty secondth Scottish…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you’re working the kilt because you saw “Braveheart” once and got a woody for…
Casey:
Mel Gibson.
Jeff:
Mel Gibson.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, no. It is No Good. I don’t know the thought process. The other things I don’t like about that… There’s debate over whether you go underwear-less or not, wearing a kilt…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re supposed to not. It’s supposed to be sans undergarments when you do this, right?
Casey:
Yes. Traditionally, I’ve heard things like that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I figure that’s probably some Scottish dude made up some shit so that he could go commando to a wedding.
Jeff:
Apparently. I don’t like any of this. I mean, the upskirts that happen from, like, hot girls on the internet…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Oh, upskirt. Let’s check this out,” right? Like, “Oh, hey, Lindsay Lohan.” It’s always, like, weird and, like… Because they’re getting it when the body is making a non-seductive pose like you’re flexing to get out of a car or something so your tendons are all extended and you’re making… Trying to do this and you’re all weird…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s never been an awesome upskirt.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They’re always like…
Casey:
Okay. So upskirt, No Good?
Jeff:
Right. You add balls to the bad upskirt, they’re like, all tweaked out, weird, distorted balls. No Good. Just stop it. It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
No. No male upskirt.
Casey:
Okay. Don’t add balls to the… Jeff & Casey Show Pro-tip # 37 — Don’t add balls to an upskirt. It only hurt.
Jeff:
No. They’re bad enough. Yes. They’re bad enough already. We don’t want to see that action.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
Well, that’s certainly a show.
Jeff:
I wonder if any of our listeners are gonna call up and say they want to wear a kilt. I bet we get somebody that says that.
Casey:
Well, we might have some listeners in Scottish…
Jeff:
I bet somebody we know…
Casey:
Scotland…
Jeff:
Has said, “No, I had to go to a wedding in a kilt.”
Casey:
Oh, who wasn’t Scottish?
Jeff:
Right. Just like, “Oh, it was a Scottish-themed wedding. They fucking played bagpipes and shit and I had to wear this.”
Casey:
Bagpipes, No Good. Let’s just get that out, as well.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just period.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I don’t have anything to add to that.
Jeff:
Expect in AC/DC songs but yes.
Casey:
No. Pretty much just No Good.
Jeff:
Damn it. I thought I could slip that one in.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright. Alright, everybody. Well, this low energy podcast has come to an end.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So we will have more energy.
Casey:
An LEPC, if you will…
Jeff:
Yes. That means you need to tune in next week for further energy. And you can email us in the meantime…
Casey:
Or pure energy, as Dr. Spock says.
Jeff:
Yes. And you can email us in the meantime at Podcast…
Casey:
Wait. Is it Dr. Spock or is it Mr. Spock. He’s not a doctor.
Jeff:
Did you say Dr. Spock?
Casey:
Dr. Spock is the child psychologist…
Jeff:
Dr. Spock is the baby writer, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s a totally different…
Casey:
Different Spock.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, you’d think that Mr. Spock would be a doctor, as well, because he’s very intelligent.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
He could get a doctorate if he wanted to. He just obviously didn’t want to.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s [ a bonus ] job. Right?
Casey:
That’s a different kind of doctor, though.
Jeff:
Stop it. Alright. Give us an email at Podcast@MollyRocket.com…
Casey:
Bones, MD.
Jeff:
Did you say it right?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
I said Molly Rocket. I said Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you can call us and leave us a voice message at… You got it up there, right?
Casey:
Oh. You’re right. Has anyone… No one’s leaving voice messages anymore. Everyone reverted back to emails. We only get emails. But if you feel compelled, maybe give the phone number a try. Call Sean at 425-296-3012.
Jeff:
And tell us…
Casey:
And leave us a little message.
Jeff:
Yes, leave us a message. Leave us a Good/No Good. Leave us a story. Leave us something funny. We get a lot of links from people…
Casey:
A lot of links, yeah.
Jeff:
You know what the thing is? We want to connect with you. Tell us a personal story. Tell us about something in your life.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
We don’t need…
Casey:
For example, have you ever sold your daughter for a case of meat?
Jeff:
Right. Exactly.
Casey:
For example…
Jeff:
Or have you ever not received the meat…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And had to go to the authorities…
Casey:
Have you ever stuck your penis into something unusual like a penis massage robot or anything else?
Jeff:
Yes. No, don’t tell us those stories. That’s gonna…
Casey:
Okay, don’t say that.
Jeff:
Yeah. We don’t know what we’ll get.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
We have some crazy listeners.
Casey:
We do.
Jeff:
Alright. Alright, well, thanks, everybody. And we will see you next week.
Casey:
See you next week.
Casey:
Alright. Now, I’m gonna have both hands free for beer.
Site design and technology © Copyright 2005-2014 by Molly Rocket, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
Contents are assumed to be copyright by their individual authors.
Do not duplicate without their express permission.
casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 49
prev
next
mollyrocket.com