Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Vice President of Style
"Somebody please ship Microsoft Emotion for Windows and let's get this over with."
Original air date: January 13rd, 2009
Topics. Autonomous agents. Penis stories. Soul mirror. Mantyhose. Dark socks. Nordstroms. CostCo. Radio Shack. Batteries. Wireless doorbells. Fur Elise. Microsoft Songsmith. Installers. .NET Framework. The Girl from Ipanema. General MIDI. Microsoft Office. Reptile instinct. Scanners. Mechanical Turk. The Purple Ear. The Penguin. William Hung. Microsoft Tag. Microsoft Surface. Microsoft Emotion for Windows. Splitting the bill. Ray Ozzie. Closing the laptop. Windows XP. SeaQuest DSV. The Library of Alexandria. Bob Ballard.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show. Everyone stop flipping me off.
Casey:
Well, that’s how we start the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Damn. I’ve got, like, 5 fingers all getting me…
Casey:
That’s the first time Sean flipped you off, though.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
I’ve been flipping you off for, you know…
Sean:
I actually flipped Casey off with both fingers…
Casey:
Oh, the one at your left-hand side was not aiming at Jeff?
Sean:
No.
Casey:
Alright. Well, okay, fair enough. I guess I got flipped off twice and you got flipped off once.
Jeff:
Welcome to the 47th episode.
Casey:
It’s the 48th episode, right?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
It’s episode 47, which is the 48th episode.
Jeff:
I don’t like this. We’re gonna fix that someday.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Someday, we’re just gonna go, “There’s two 48’s in a row…” Or we go from 48… I don’t know.
Casey:
Welcome to programming. You’re supposed to be a programmer. How could you be getting confused by this?
Jeff:
I learned Pascal. It was [inaudible 1:19] based.
Casey:
Oh, okay. Yeah. I think we went over that and I’d always forget.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Well, what’s on our exciting roster…
Jeff:
I think the first thing we wanted to talk about was a link from your mom.
Casey:
Oh, yes.
Jeff:
By the way, we have been getting tons of links the last couple weeks. The listeners have been come through…
Casey:
Absolutely. Picking up the slack…
Jeff:
I don’t feel like I’m any more efficient now that I’ve gotten rid of my links because I get so many emails. However, it’s like an RSS feed in my inbox, yes.
Casey:
Exactly. Well, this is what they always said in the future that you would have sort of like this autonomous agent, you know, running in the computer that would go through and find what you wanted. Turns out, it’s a lot cheaper to have it done manually…
Jeff:
That’s right. And all we have to do is give them this amazing podcast.
Casey:
One hour’s worth of complete crap every week and they will, in turn, send you all the links you want to see. You need penises? You got penises. You need animals. You got animals. You want animal penises? No problem. They can even handle the N2.
Jeff:
It is interesting, the links that our listeners give us.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s, like, a window in not to necessary our own soul but into the soul as viewed by other people. They’re like, “They’re gonna love this. Here’s the penis with…” If there’s a news story involving a penis, we got it. It doesn’t matter what happened to the penis…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Where the penis went, what the penis was doing… We get it, right?
Casey:
Well, just to clarify one thing to help those of our listeners who aren’t familiar with optics… A window into your own soul would be a mirror. I just want to be clear on that, right?
Jeff:
No, but see, it’s not that.
Casey:
Because if it’s a window, then you’re looking into someone else’s soul because you can’t look through a window into something that is where you are. That’s not gonna work.
Jeff:
But then it’s like some crazy soul mirror. I don’t know…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s a soul mirror.
Jeff:
Alright, of course.
Casey:
It’s a soul…
Jeff:
It’s a soul window.
Casey:
You are looking into your soul mirror and you’re seeing a penis and a bunch of animals in some kind of fucking chorus line doing a kick number singing rap songs or something. I mean, if I’m just trying to put together…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Singing “What a Wonderful World”…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In black face…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
If I had to smoosh all of the links that we received from our listeners into one soul mirror’s worth of viewing, that’s what it was this week.
Jeff:
That’s what we got.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was pretty crazy.
Casey:
Oh, and don’t forget monkeys riding bicycles ‘cos that was also…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. We had…
Casey:
So they’re just riding by in the back of the mirror.
Jeff:
Yep. It was a crazy week.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But your mom came in today.
Casey:
Soul mirror. That sounds like something that will be from Japan soon like a video game from Japan called “Soul Mirror”.
Jeff:
You need the soul sword to battle the mighty…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, so read me this link. Do you have it up?
Casey:
The one from my mom?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The headline that she sent was “Mantyhose — Tights for Men Grow in Popularity”. Now, I don’t really think I need to read any more of this article because from the picture, you can tell that there is nothing… Mantyhose are not like a different product that is similar to pantyhose but for men.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s actually just pantyhose in men’s sizes.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It is 100% a pantyhose. If you took this picture that’s in the article which is a guy sitting with his legs crossed with his pant leg rolled up…
Jeff:
In capris or something?
Casey:
No. It’s regular pants but he’s got one of them rolled up all the way so you can see his hose…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Now, normally hose… If a guy says, “Do you want to check out my hoes?” That used to mean something specific, right?
Jeff:
You just don’t know anymore.
Casey:
And I would say, not to speak for the female population, but I would say that a man who said that would not have been considered really in touch with his feminine side, necessarily.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, when a man says that he wants you to check out his hose…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
He could be very in touch with his feminine side.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Because this just looks like, if you took the top half off of this picture, it could’ve been a girl.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It just looks like someone wearing a pantyhose.
Jeff:
The guy is trying to be a little macho with his face…
Casey:
It’s not working.
Jeff:
But it’s not working.
Casey:
No, not working.
Jeff:
You remember a couple weeks ago when I went to Costco and had my crazy Costco run and I bought all the men’s socks in a great big thing?
Casey:
Yes. Now, what kind of massive lapse of judgment occurred there, actually? I was wondering that myself.
Jeff:
I just needed some dark socks.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I though…
Casey:
Now why do you need some dark socks? How do you know that you needed dark socks?
Jeff:
Because I had these new shoes that were dark and when I wear white socks with them, it looks funny.
Casey:
Where did you get these shoes?
Jeff:
I got these shoes at Nordstrom.
Casey:
You got them at Nordstrom?
Jeff:
Yes, I did.
Casey:
I’m asking these questions because since you started shopping at Nordstrom’s, there’s been some wardrobe issues. We talked about this on the podcast, the Rear Love shirts…
Jeff:
Yes… That was just…
Casey:
The super tight pants…
Jeff:
No, well, see, there’s a couple things here…
Casey:
Okay. Yeah. Now, you’re wearing what are basically pantyhose…
Jeff:
Yeah, I think I accidentally bought the Mantyhose at Costco because these socks go past my knee. And I’m tall. I’m all leg, anyway…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And these socks on a normal person would be Mantyhose, basically. They go so high, it’s crazy.
Casey:
We’re focusing on the wrong issue here, okay. The issue to focus on is not the fact that you bought some socks and they were long or something and it was an accident that you bought them. That’s not important. I don’t give a shit about that.
Jeff:
That is very important.
Casey:
No, it’s not important at all. What’s important to me is the fact that any of our outside observers would have thought you bought those on purpose. That’s the problem is that that would not have been an out-of-the-ordinary purchase for you at this point…
Jeff:
I’m just saying…
Casey:
And I think we need to have an intervention. That is what I’m trying to say.
Jeff:
What I’m saying is I can totally pull off Mantyhose.
Casey:
You’re not pulling it off. You’re not pulling it off.
Jeff:
It’s pulled.
Casey:
When you say something like “I can pull that off”, you can’t just say that, right? It’s not like you can just say, “I can pull it off.” You’re not pulling it off. It’s not being pulled off.
Jeff:
No, I pull it off.
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
It’s pulled. It’s been yanked. It’s been… Yep, I yanked it like I’m starting a mower.
Casey:
You weren’t pulling off that vest the other day.
Jeff:
Which vest?
Casey:
The one with all the weird buckles on it.
Jeff:
I don’t know which vest.
Casey:
You didn’t pull it off.
Jeff:
I have 2 vests.
Casey:
You’re not pulling it off.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s pulled.
Casey:
It is not pulled off. No.
Jeff:
I am pulling it.
Casey:
It needs to be pulled off.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
And put in the closet and closed and never looked at again.
Jeff:
I’m wearing that at every podcast from now on.
Casey:
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Alright, so you bought Mantyhose…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You didn’t know that they were Mantyhose at the time because you didn’t realize this was a trend.
Jeff:
Well, about half of them are normal socks. You put them on…
Casey:
Oh, it’s like combination?
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s like a random set at Costco.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And so, the normal Costco thing is that they give you a lot of, like, cotton swaps. You might get 500,000…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So apparently, with men’s socks, they don’t give you a lot of socks. They just give you some really long ones.
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
And I didn’t know this and ended up with these crazy ones but, yeah… The awesome thing in this article… A woman wrote it. And at the end of it, she’s like…
Casey:
Leah Chernikoff…
Jeff:
Right. And she was very excited for men to go through what she has been going through all of her life. She’s like, “I can’t wait for you to get the uncomfortable-ness that these are.” She was like, “This is awesome. I hope this catches on.” She was excited for men to be…
Casey:
How is that a solution to the problem? When some segment of the population is having to wear something uncomfortable, the thing to be excited about is not that 100% of the population is now gonna have to wear that thing…
Jeff:
No, Casey…
Casey:
Just stop wearing the thing.
Jeff:
No. We’ve already discussed this.
Casey:
What have we discussed?
Jeff:
When we were at the play and you were enjoying that I was having to be at the play and I was enjoying it…
Casey:
Ah, yeah…
Jeff:
It’s the same thing.
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
Women don’t want to not…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
They don’t want to take their pantyhose off. They want everyone to be as uncomfortable as you…
Casey:
To have to have the pantyhose on?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And once we’re all wearing pantyhose, we can all sit back in glee thinking about how much of a pain in the ass it is for everyone else to wear pantyhose.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Wow, this is a fucked up world.
Jeff:
This is a crazy podcast. You know what, while we’re here, I’m gonna tell you not a funny story but an awkward story.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I went to go buy this about a year ago. I went to go buy some batteries at Radio Shack because that’s all that Radio Shack’s good for — batteries and TV antennas.
Casey:
It’s not even good for that. I want to know how you go to Costco to buy your socks but not your batteries. That’s a very [ poor decision ].
Jeff:
Well, I actually should… That’s actually a good point.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I bet now you can… But, I mean, if Radio Shack sells you packs of 40 batteries, I don’t even want to know how much power is surging through a Costco bag of batteries but it’s gotta be impressive.
Casey:
Well, the point is that Radio Shack just is probably buying their batteries from Costco and then charging you double. That’s probably what’s happening.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The dude probably came from Costco before he sold you these batteries.
Jeff:
Radio Shack is also awesome because it’s like going back to the 70’s. There’s a lot of wood paneling in Radio Shack.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It is old school, right?
Casey:
Yes. They have not been updated except now they try to sell you cellphones and TV’s which is so far out of your wheelhouse, like, just give it up, dude. It’s not happening.
Jeff:
You’re not pulling… Yep.
Casey:
No, it’s not happening.
Jeff:
So I go to my Radio Shack…
Casey:
Who wants to buy a plasma television from a room that’s got wood paneling in it, right? Like, that’s not flying, right? You’re supposed to by antlers or something from that room. Not…
Jeff:
It’s usually me and a whole bunch of old guys there, looking at the…
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
Yeah. I mean, it’s old school.
Casey:
That’s different from my Radio Shack which is me and no one else in the store. Every time I’ve been in a Radio Shack in the past 10 years, I’ve been the only person in the Radio Shack unless I came there with someone.
Jeff:
Yep. Well, I go there and I get a great big pack of batteries.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And I got something else. I can’t remember. And I’m getting checked out and the dude checking me out is crazy over the top gay.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, super flamboyant, like, “Can I help you?” Like, just way over the top.
Casey:
So he’s wearing something slightly less flashy than you are is what you’re saying?
Jeff:
Goddamn it. Yes. I guess so.
Casey:
Got you.
Jeff:
To keep the story going, I’m going to agree with you because if I disagree, the story stops.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, so I buy the batteries and he’s like, “Here you go,” and give me my stuff. I leave…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And go back to RAD and I realize I don’t have the batteries. I have the other… When I left…
Casey:
Do you know where they are?
Jeff:
Yeah. When I picked up… I bought… I can’t remember what it was. It was a doorbell thing for RAD so I could hear it ring in the back or something.
Casey:
Right, okay, one of those remote doorbell things?
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
So I had that. I didn’t have my batteries. I’m like, “Ah, fuck.” So I get back in my car, drive back to the Radio Shack…
Casey:
I want to know the ratio for those things because I know exactly what you’re talking about, the doorbell that has the remote ringer thing…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I want to know the ratio of people who buy those to people who actually are able to use them for more than a week.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They are the worst thing ever.
Jeff:
They are the worst thing ever.
Casey:
Because the battery runs out and you don’t know.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So it’s like, now, you don’t have a doorbell for some number of weeks until someone’s like, “I was knocking for an hour and you couldn’t hear me.” And you’re like, “Oh, fuck. The doorbell died.”
Jeff:
Yep. It’s totally retarded.
Casey:
It’s falling off the wall. It’s got some weird tape thing…
Jeff:
It’s plastic…
Casey:
It’s always this crappy-looking plastic…
Jeff:
Industrial… Yeah, ivory color…
Casey:
It sounds like shit. It’s like…
Jeff:
Totally electronic. And they give you some options and they’re all equally bad.
Casey:
You’re like, “What the fuck is that?” The options are all awesome. The options are usually 2 options — The thing that I just did and then some really bad version of “Fur Elise”.
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
Sorry.
Jeff:
Anyway… So I’m like, “Ah, fuck. I’ve got to go back to the Radio Shack to get my batteries.” So I go back there and I’m like, “I was just in here. My batteries… I left them here on the counter.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “I don’t think you did.” And I’m like, “Fuck.” And so then, you know what I did? I have to admit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I kind of flirted with him a little bit to get my batteries.
Casey:
Right. And you were dressed for success in this particular scenario.
Jeff:
Well, actually, this was pre-…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Tyler helping me out at Nordstrom’s…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
So then I’m like, “Oh, come on. Why don’t you give me a little batteries. Why would I take the batteries, man?” I’m sweet talking him and he’s like…
Casey:
This is ridiculous.
Jeff:
And he goes, “Go on and take them batteries,” and so…
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
So I grab my batteries. I get out to the car, somewhat shamed…
Casey:
You fucking prostituted yourself for a strip of batteries.
Jeff:
40 batteries.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Let’s be clear. That’s my price, if anybody’s wondering.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, I get back to RAD…
Casey:
What do I get for an 80-pack? That’s the first thing that’s crossing the listeners’ minds out there, right?
Jeff:
Anyway, I get back to RAD…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I grab the doorbell. I grab my gay batteries. I reach into the center console…
Casey:
Right. Now, let’s back it up a second. What car were you driving, by the way? Were you in the truck?
Jeff:
The truck.
Casey:
Okay. I was hoping you pulled up in a Ferrari and fucking flirted with somebody for 40 batteries because that would’ve been the best.
Jeff:
I get out. I grab my keys and I reach over and I look down…
Casey:
The old reach-around?
Jeff:
The other batteries had slipped down the edge of the seat.
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
So all along…
Casey:
You fucking hit on someone to get…
Jeff:
To steal some batteries…
Casey:
Free batteries…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
At this point because you got the ones you paid for.
Jeff:
So now, I have 2 packs of batteries. I call them my gay and my straight batteries. I do. I still do, right here.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
These are gay and these are straight. They’re right there. That’s all I have to say.
Casey:
Is there a difference between a gay battery and a straight battery?
Jeff:
You know, anything I say will be offensive so I’m going to plead the 5th.
Casey:
Oh, right, because you’ve got a squeaky clean record on this podcast.
Jeff:
I have no problem. Like, I am just doing what a man needs to do to get some free batteries. Exactly.
Casey:
No gay shit, just free batteries.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
It’s fine. Just some dudes hanging out, scoring some batteries.
Sean:
One thing traditionally Radio Shack is known for is giving you free batteries without you having to do anything.
Jeff:
Yeah, apparently.
Sean:
So I’m not sure about this whole “Jeff was hitting on a guy for some free batteries”…
Casey:
It does seem a little suspicious that a store that would normally give you free batteries, he’s going in there pretending he has to work for it…
Jeff:
Do you remember in the old days in Radio Shack when no matter what you bought, they took your name address…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
In the old school days…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They had the whole thing and you’re like, “Why do you need my address to buy some batteries?” Now I now. Apparently, there’s something there, some text that I wasn’t aware of.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, speaking of gay…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Should we talk about this awesome new product from Microsoft Research, the people that brought us the Sphere, that brought us Microsoft Surface…
Casey:
Here’s the thing. If you are saying that this music product by Microsoft Research is gay, that is an insult to basically all gay male performers that have ever worked on Broadway…
Jeff:
That’s probably true. I apolo--… Tight. I should… Yes.
Casey:
Because this thing is a colossal pile of garbage.
Jeff:
Yes. I should apologize. Comparing this to anything…
Casey:
This is not gay, at all. If anything, this is hyper fucking straight.
Jeff:
That’s totally true.
Casey:
This is tone-deaf, football-watching, beer-drinking, fat-ass trailer park piece of shit music software if anything.
Jeff:
Right. Well, so, I installed this software so we could play with it before we started.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And the idea was we play with it…
Casey:
You tried to install it. You never actually succeeded.
Jeff:
I got it installed but it took so long, we’re like, “You know, let’s just do the podcast.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because you download it, it’s a large download, 100 megs…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And then, the first thing that happens, you just said, you know, run, don’t save the image, right?
Casey:
Right. I said run the executable when you finish downloading it.
Jeff:
Right. And the fucking install requires .Net3.0, right?
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So then, it said, “Do you want to install this?” So you said yes. It closes the install, which is now out of the cache…
Casey:
Yep, goodbye.
Jeff:
So then, we were arguing, like, “Should we installed .Net3?” My machine’s now more screwed than if I installed…
Casey:
Hosed, I’m sure.
Jeff:
Right. Way worse than MacAfee, right?
Casey:
Absolutely. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, just taking one for the team here.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Installed that. That was 2.8 megabytes. I’m like, “Sweet…”
Casey:
Yeah, nice small executable.
Jeff:
Yeah. That was the download utility.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right. 2.8 megabytes for a fucking download utility.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Here’s what I want to know. I have a question. I have a legitimate question at this point. If they can write the download utility without .Net3.0, why couldn’t they write the installer?
Jeff:
That’s how they roll.
Casey:
What the fuck?
Jeff:
I don’t understand… Like, installers…
Casey:
What installs the .Net framework?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If they can write the installer over the framework…
Jeff:
Installers are done. Right.
Casey:
Then they obviously could’ve installed the app that way.
Jeff:
Installers are done. Stop fucking with them. Start rewriting them and do not write them in a language that’s larger than your installer, right?
Casey:
I am so fucking done with this company.
Jeff:
So the 2.8 install had to download 46.3 megabytes…
Casey:
That’s good…
Jeff:
Yep. To install that… Once that’s done and installed, then it said, “You better check for updates.” Sure enough, there was Service Pack 1 of .Net which was 26.7 megabytes.
Casey:
What the fuck?
Jeff:
Again, I am not running the app yet. I am trying to run the thing that unzips the shit in the file and puts it on the hard drive, right. That’s all this setup program does. That’s probably not true. It’s probably like doing 8 million, like, registry side by side, something…
Casey:
Right, side by side assembly action, like, the .Net frameworks are side by side assembly heaven. They are just like, “Let’s go on and just side by side assemble every goddamn last thing.”
Jeff:
Anyway, that finally installed. And then, we ran the installer which now ran. And then, we’re like, “This took so long. I don’t want to do it.”
Casey:
Well, just to be clear, the installer for the music package?
Jeff:
Yes, the music package.
Casey:
Not the installer for the framework. That was different.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And not the download utility. That was different, as well.
Jeff:
Yeah. And then, when you went to install the music package, since you cancelled the install, I had to re-download it. That was 98 megabytes again.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
98 megabytes for this wonderful app.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We will put the link up to the commercial for this because the commercial…
Casey:
And for the application.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
For those of you at home who want to create your own… I would basically say “commercial radio-ready music”…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Just right out of the box.
Jeff:
Top 40 hits.
Casey:
Top 40…
Jeff:
That all sound basically the same…
Casey:
Kind of like “The Girl from Ipanema”, basically. If I had to put in a category, I would say that you can create as many copies of “The Girl from Ipanema” as you care to watch. You can redo the lyrics to “The Girl from Ipanema” to your heart’s content and this software will be right there with you.
Jeff:
The songs you make will be highly Roland because it’s definitely…
Casey:
It sounds like it’s just using the general MIDI…
Jeff:
Got the stink of general MIDI all over it. Yeah.
Sean:
Well, that’s just how they Roland.
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Oh, that hurt. Now we have 2 people that like puns and I’m outnumbered. I can get punned in Stereo.
Casey:
Everyone like puns, dude. Puns are awesome.
Jeff:
Oh, they hurt me. Anyway, we saw this application first because they have one of Microsoft’s awesome… I don’t know what you call these. They’re not really ads, they’re kind of little skits…
Casey:
I would call it embarrassing if I had to call it something but it’s one those things…
Jeff:
Skits they do for the outside world for the product, it seems like, yeah.
Casey:
Right. Yes. But you said this was shown, like, [ at CES ].
Jeff:
[ Shown at CES ], right.
Casey:
That’s very different from the ones they do for their company meeting which are kind of like, you know, intentionally campy because it’s like, hey, it’s not supposed to be a PR piece. It is actually a PR piece. When I watched it, I thought it was one of those internal company meeting things…
Jeff:
Because it was so bad?
Casey:
Because it was so bad… And it was actually worse than most of those, actually…
Jeff:
Right. And it starts up and it’s clear that they have to be the developers, right?
Casey:
I hope to God. Or they’re actors who will never work again. One or the other.
Jeff:
It’s just… They don’t… I mean, there’s this polish that actors have that regular people don’t.
Casey:
Yeah. Even the bad ones.
Jeff:
You can take a really funny looking weird actor, [ Steve Buschemi ] or whatever…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They behave like actors, these guys don’t. There are weird pauses and such.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And so basically, this product is an automatic accompaniment product.
Casey:
Actually, wait a second. Let’s wait one second here. Let’s pause right now. Everyone who is listening to this at a personal computer, please go watch this video.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Just go watch the video right now. We’ll wait.
Jeff:
In YouTube, type in “Songsmith”. You’re gonna get the one. Go ahead and play it because we’re gonna discuss some things that they might have done differently.
Casey:
Yes. Good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Un-pause it now…
Jeff:
Are you back? Alright.
Casey:
Now that you’re back.
Jeff:
Okay. So the first thing that I like about this is that as Microsoft likes to do, they tried to turn this product into some sort of professional product that you use at the office, right? And like everything at Microsoft, the only way to become powerful is to tie into Office.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s clear they want Songsmith to be part of Office 2011.
Casey:
That’s probably true. Yeah, they’re looking ahead.
Jeff:
They want that to be bundled with it because… Yeah. And once this shit gets into PowerPoint, by the way, we might as well just kill ourselves.
Casey:
Right. And it’s going to. I have a bad feeling.
Jeff:
There’s a weird little animation…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. It’ll automatically sing your slides for you or whatever the fuck happens there.
Jeff:
Right. Okay, so it starts off with the dude and his daughter’s singing at the computer.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And, you know, you don’t want to be mean. This is probably one of the developers’ kids…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But, like, there’s something about her voice that triggers the reptile instinct in me that wants to murder her.
Casey:
Yes, that is true.
Jeff:
It’s, like, right into your brain…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you want to… Yeah.
Casey:
She’s singing like a lot of sort of… I guess it doesn’t even matter if they’re professional. A lot of digital instruments…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Have a little knob on the back of them. And the knob basically lets you tune it from its [ base concert ] pitch usually, right, to a note flat of that or a note sharp of that…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And it’s continuous so you can… If you’re playing with a flute or something that’s slightly out of tune or whatever, you can match that, right? When she was born, that thing was halfway in between the normal and the flat. So when she sings… And she’s pretty loud. She’s, like, louder than anyone else on there. It hits you right between where you know there were notes on either side and she’s, like, dead fucking center.
Jeff:
Have you seen the movie…
Casey:
It’s like when you throw a dart at the dart board and it somehow sticks into that middle piece, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
You’re like, “How the fuck did you do that?” That’s where she is. She lives right there.
Jeff:
Well, if you’ve seen the movie, scanners, where the sound makes the heads explode…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That’s what would happen if you just looped her sound there.
Casey:
Well, the CIA could use her as a disrupter. It would be one of those things where the enemy soldiers would be unable to communicate with each other because they’re so discombobulated by the sound of this weird pitch that no one’s heard before or isn’t used to processing, you know?
Jeff:
Exactly. Here’s the other thing is… So what this product does is you just sing along to it and it makes accompaniment.
Casey:
No, you sing into it.
Jeff:
Okay. You sing into it.
Casey:
There’s nothing playing when you sing.
Jeff:
Oh, right. It analyzes it and then adds the music after.
Casey:
I assume it does whatever the thing is, auto-correlation on your wave form and then tries to…
Jeff:
No, it uploads to Mechanical Turk, pays them 1 cent, then sends you back the song from India.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
That’s what happens.
Casey:
That could be.
Jeff:
You get back this MIDI wonderland, basically.
Casey:
Right. And it’s sort of a pre-fab… It’s what you have on the bottom of a Casio keyboard when you say, like, “Oh, Bossa Nova,” and it plays… Yeah, that kind of thing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? It’s that but it’s trying to select the chord for each measure based on what you were singing.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, when I say, “select the chord for each measure based on what you were singing,” as far as I can tell, that means find one of two chord progressions that it’s got in there that lines up because every goddamned thing they sang…
Jeff:
There’s, like, 5 songs.
Casey:
It all sounds exactly the same.
Jeff:
It sounds the same. Exactly.
Casey:
It was amazingly so similar.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Even the basic simple implementation that I would think of to write first for this would not have sounded like that. So I don’t know what it is that they’re doing but something very wrong. It may just be because they’re singing the same shit. Like, maybe they’re so uncreative because they work at Microsoft and that’s a requirement for being hired there is that they can’t sing anything other than one melody. It’s like, that’s the melody that a Microsoft brain can produce.
Jeff:
And that’s what you’re gonna get.
Casey:
Developers, developers, developers, right? It’s like, you know, that kind of thing. C major, C major, C major, C major, C major…
Jeff:
So this… Stop it.
Casey:
Diminish, diminish, diminish, diminish…
Jeff:
Stop it. Anyway, the dad listens to the daughter and he is not horrified as you should be but inspired…
Casey:
Don’t forget… Now, this guy… I want to sort of make an apology for him upfront.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because if these actually are the developers, then I’m imagining that that’s his daughter or something.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, he has gone for 8 or 9 years listening to that voice every day, okay. And he didn’t kill her. And he didn’t kill himself.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So as far as I’m concerned…
Jeff:
He’s a hero.
Casey:
This guy deserves a little bit of a buy…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
On the fact that is total douche which is basically what happens for the rest of the video.
Jeff:
He gets a little thing that you pin on your chest like the [ purple ear ], right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
For 10 years of service…
Casey:
I could not have done that.
Jeff:
Yes. Anyway, he hears this…
Casey:
You know, it would be one of those scenes where I’m with that girl and she’s in the carriage and it’s stormy and lightning outside, right, like the penguin man and I’m dumping her over the stone bridge into the water, right?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And she’s doing that thing the whole thing down, “Microphone…” Like that thing that she… That weird off-key thing that she does in the video… “Microphone…”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Splash.
Jeff:
He hears her. He is in this video, you know, because it has to have a narrative to grab you. He’s an ad man.
Casey:
Yes, that’s right.
Jeff:
Right. And much like [ Mad Men ], this is a nuclear family with his wife making breakfast.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
He comes down. Daughter’s singing into her microphone. He gets inspired and he takes the laptop from her.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Takes it so he can go work on his jingle…
Casey:
His jingle for glow-in-the-dark towels.
Jeff:
Glow-in-the-dark fucking towels.
Casey:
So what happened there was they were like, “Oh, we’re gonna make a funny… Like he’s an ad guy so it’s gotta be a funny product, right? It’s like, “You’re making an ad for a shitty product, okay? The joke doesn’t work unless the ad was actually for something cool.”
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
That’s kind of how this works. You can’t think that it’s funny to have glow-in-the-dark towels on an ad for glow-in-the-dark towels. It loses something, right? What it gains in symmetry, it loses in effectiveness. And I think that’s a very important lesson to learn. If they had anyone at Microsoft who knew how to make an ad, which they proved that they don’t with this past ad campaign…
Jeff:
Yep. Well, not pa--… Just, every… Like, you can go 10 years ago…
Casey:
Yes, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
They’re putting out the same shit.
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
Somebody at Microsoft… Hire a Vice President of Taste. Hire Tyler from Nordstrom’s. He wouldn’t let this go out. Your guys may look gay…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That is a risk that you should be willing to take. He wouldn’t let this shit out.
Casey:
What person out there is a major purchasing decider for an IT company gives a shit if they’re buying software from a gay dude? Right?
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
Fucking Billy Bob on the back of his pickup truck with a fucking shotgun is not the dude making the IT decisions. Look gay all you want. Gayness — Not a problem, right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Not a problem at all.
Jeff:
I’m just saying we need somebody that has some sense of style because you’re not only destroying the sales of your own product. It’s starting to affect the nature of capitalism, right?
Casey:
Yes, that’s probably true.
Jeff:
You’re turning the entire America off of buying shit because they’re just like, “Fuck. Fuck you.” Right? And they’re gonna turn on us and this whole thing is gonna be your fault.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, flash to the coffee shop where he’s out… You know, ostensibly singing to himself at the coffee shop because he’s playing…
Casey:
They don’t show that part, which is interesting…
Jeff:
No. Right.
Casey:
But Sean pointed this out when we were watching this video was that, like…
Jeff:
He’s just playing replays, take 2 or take 1…
Casey:
He’s supposedly working… Yeah, he’s working on this song at the coffee shop. Where did he sing it? In his car on the way there or something?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
He didn’t sing it at home or we would’ve seen that because they laboriously shot every individual scene of him in his house.
Jeff:
Anyway, he plays it and both the barista notices as well as some dude, right, who’s just walking by.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
And his quote is… I want to get this exactly right…
Casey:
Oh, you wrote this down?
Jeff:
Yeah, I want to make sure it’s right because it’s important.
Casey:
And is he singing this quote? Is this quote sung?
Jeff:
Everything is sort of sing-songy…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But this is just him talking.
Casey:
Oh, okay. So he does not…
Jeff:
Because he’s not been Song Smith-ed at this point.
Casey:
Okay, he hasn’t Smith-ed it up?
Jeff:
Right. He says, “Microsoft, huh? So it’s pretty easy to use?”
Casey:
Wow. Yeah.
Jeff:
No one who has ever, ever used a Microsoft product has said that. If you have the loosest girl in town, right, who would fuck anything and her name was Microsoft, you still wouldn’t say that Microsoft is pretty easy to use. It wouldn’t happen, right? Never been uttered in the history of Microsoft, “So it’s pretty easy to use,” except for the fact that he says… He could’ve meant it sarcastically…
Casey:
I was just gonna say. I was like, I disagree completely because the phrase, “Microsoft, huh? So it’s pretty easy to use?”
Jeff:
“Pretty easy to use…”
Casey:
It’s probably said all the time but not in any kind of genuine way, right?
Jeff:
Yes. Maybe they did this in their Mohave ads and they’re like, “Boy, everybody says, ‘Microsoft? Pretty easy to use.’” And they’re like, “Customers like that. We’re gonna incorporate that and then miss the fact that everyone is being sarcastic.”
Casey:
Well, don’t forget he’s using a mac book.
Jeff:
Yeah, well, you know, I looked at it again and I can’t tell but it’s a totally silver reflective thing…
Casey:
Oh, you can’t tell? Okay. So it might be a titanium Dell laptop or something like that?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s got stickers and shit on it. Who knows?
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
I thought, “Hmmm… You know what, if they’re gonna show a laptop, they’d show an Apple because they look better than most of the Windows ones…”
Casey:
And it runs Windows, you know.
Jeff:
But after looking at all the people that are in this video, it’s clear they don’t give a fuck about what anything looked like.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s probably true. That’s most certainly the case.
Jeff:
So cut to the dude that said, “Microsoft, huh? So it’s pretty easy to use?” And he says, “Man, my band says that my songs have been a little stale lately,” right? And he’s gonna use Song Smith to get back into good graces with his band mates, right?
Casey:
Oh, what does this band play in their repertoire? I really want to know?
Jeff:
I have no idea. I want to know. Like, polka… I can’t even fucking imagine. Yeah.
Casey:
He’s probably sitting there going like, “Well, I don’t know what our drummer thinks. But our lead singer, William Hong, is gonna love it.”
Jeff:
Awesome. Anyway, he sings a song into his laptop (in some crazy, old school laptop, by the way). This thing is really weird and old, like… He sings a lyric that I don’t know if it was written, like… One thing that comes up is you hear all these songs that they’re singing through the thing. You’re like, “You know, guys, I know this product is designed so you just sing whatever is on your mind into it.” But you are recording it ahead of time so you could’ve wrote something good down.
Casey:
Right, you could’ve thought… Right. And he’s doing this for his band, after all.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’d think he might spend a little more time.
Jeff:
Well, what he’s saying, the important lyric was, “Help me find a way to move my groove on.”
Casey:
Does that mean anything?
Jeff:
I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if they hired the lyrics out to India, too, because it doesn’t make any sense. This is totally “English is a 2nd language” lyrics, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Flashback to the ad man. And he’s back and he’s pitching his idea to I guess the towel company whose office look very much like Microsoft offices.
Casey:
Very similar, yes.
Jeff:
Yeah, this looks pretty much like a Microsoft conference room. I’m not sure but I think it’s pretty similar. These towel manufacturers apparently…
Casey:
Have a lot of white boards that they do a lot of towel diagramming in there.
Jeff:
A lot of white boards. Yes, exactly. There’ 2 dudes and they’re being pitched against each other. And the dude starts talking about numbers and figures and “income statement on my glow-in-the-dark…” He bombs, right?
Casey:
She just cuts him right off, the lady in charge…
Jeff:
She’s like, “What do you have?”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I think his name was Chip, if I remember right.
Casey:
Oh, God. He has a name?
Jeff:
I think so.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But I’ll call him that even if…
Casey:
Yeah, let’s call him that. Let’s call him Chad.
Jeff:
Anyway, he turns to him and he presses the button and it’s pretty much like when you hit the pre-programmed music out of a keyboard and it’s like…
Casey:
Yeah, like I said… Anyone who’s ever hit start on a Casio keyboard knows exactly what this program sounds like. It is literally that.
Jeff:
Right. And he starts singing… In Song Smith, you sing into it. It does some processing, kicks you out of song.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So apparently, when he hits play, the next part of the song he sings, he’s lip syncing in person because..
Casey:
No, he’s just playing back the portion of the music so he can sing his lyrics.
Jeff:
Okay. Because that makes for a better presentation.
Casey:
So he wrote it out. He’s like, “I worked it out at home…” I’m sorry. “I worked it out at the coffee shop. I sang it into my Song Smith. I saved that song. I played it back and re-sang it over the top because it doesn’t have a voice synthesizer.
Jeff:
The lyric he came up with that closed the deal…
Casey:
For the towels?
Jeff:
Yes, the glow-in-the-dark towels was, “Well, I used to open up the closet door and I struggled in the dark…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And that… Do you think they realized there was something closet-y, like, awkwardness of struggling like… I was like, “Whoa…”
Casey:
He does look a little bit like…
Jeff:
A little shaky…
Casey:
There may have been some Nordstrom’s… He may have shopped at Nordstrom’s not long after you, actually.
Jeff:
Anyway, while he’s singing… By the way, just as an aside, they cut to the other dude…
Casey:
Which other dude? The band guy?
Jeff:
No, the other guy that he’s pitching against.
Casey:
Oh, right, his adversary in the scenario.
Jeff:
Right. And his adversary has the face that I had on, which was one of, “Whore,” right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Why… That’s not good… Why would you do that?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I guess they’re like, “Okay, you need to look like you’re impressed.” And he pulled it out as horrified which is exactly how I felt.
Casey:
He couldn’t contain his real reaction.
Jeff:
Right. And the lady’s like, “That’s great,” and he got the big deal. He closed it. The final part, if you will, like the bookend…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Is he’s back at the home…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He walks in the door. His wife starts singing to him. He starts singing to her. This wife doesn’t look like… And because we know he’s been in the closet, she hasn’t been fucked since the girl was born.
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
She’s got some… Right?
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
Right. The Paul Steed of this video would just be, like, “Let’s fuck.”
Casey:
Laughing at this guy, right.
Jeff:
And then, they’re gone. He’s buying shit off the net for tickets and all this.
Casey:
The guy walks up to a sign which has a textual table of bus times online.
Jeff:
Right. You could look it up right there.
Casey:
He points his phone at the tag on the sign…
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
Pushes the button and it says, “It turns it into rich interactive content.” They then show a screenshot of the same table of numbers displayed on his phone.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He could’ve used the camera to get the exact same amount of “rich interactive content”…
Jeff:
I totally…
Casey:
But instead, Microsoft thought it would be a good idea to encapsulate that information to get a tag which [ they would think of as fine ]…
Jeff:
I totally didn’t notice. I just noticed the fact that he’s looking up a table… Like, real cool thing would be like, “Oh, hey, it’s a Google Map of a bus moving,” but…
Casey:
No, none of it.
Jeff:
It’s even funnier than that. Like, he could also look at the sign, right?
Casey:
And see on the huge, big, fucking sign instead of this tiny little baby screen…
Jeff:
Scrolling around… It’s, like, downloading…
Casey:
It makes no sense. It was shocking to me. I had the same feeling that I had when they showed that Microsoft Surface video.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And they were like, “You can compute the bill by sliding shit back in front of the…” Are you fucking kidding me? Speaking of people who are never gonna get laid… You are all fired. Every last goddamn one of you at this company. You have ever actually existed in a human world that has things happening in it.
Jeff:
No, Microsoft…
Casey:
Somebody please ship Microsoft Emotions for Windows and let’s get this over with because, seriously, what is the problem? If it takes you more than 30 seconds to come to agreement over the bill, something is wrong.
Jeff:
No, this dude has got shitty game, right? He’s buying all this shit with this. They’re gonna go out to some dinner where they’re gonna have one of those [ servers ]…
Casey:
Yeah, absolutely.
Jeff:
At the end of the dinner, he’s like, “You know what, we’re not going Dutch on this.” And he slides it back to, like, 80-20. It wouldn’t even be like, “I’m not picking up the whole thing.” He’s like, “You should put your card down on the Surface and we’ll just…”
Casey:
He’d probably be like, “Nope, not paying for that,” kicks it back over, flicks his finger and… You know, the banana cream pie goes sliding across the table and embarrassingly bounces over…
Jeff:
This had to be the worst CS they ever had. Like, this and then, in a couple weeks, supposedly the layoffs are coming. It’s like, “Wow, January 2009, go Microsoft.” It’s just…
Casey:
I want to know how they’re making decisions about who to layoff. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, it’s just like, all. Like, just lay off everybody…
Jeff:
And rehire…
Casey:
And try to start hiring people who aren’t gonna do this, whatever is going on here…
Jeff:
Microsoft 2.0.
Casey:
I have no idea what the situation is.
Jeff:
It’s insane.
Casey:
There also… Like, wasn’t there that big announcement with Ray Ozzie where they’re like, “Collaborative Online Web Office,” thing… Like, where did that go?
Jeff:
It just disappeared. I haven’t heard a thing…
Casey:
It was coming, like, now or something… Like, where’s all that shit? They’re supposed to have online documenting… I haven’t heard anything about this. Is it up? Is it online? Can you use it?
Jeff:
Even mini-Microsoft’s like, “Dude, where’s Ray Ozzie? Where’s the dude that was supposed to bring us back to a technological focus and get us back…”
Casey:
He’s, like, 90 years old. The guy probably…
Jeff:
He just disappeared.
Casey:
What the hell does he know about anything?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. He’s probably in a hospice. Yeah.
Casey:
The last time he probably wrote any code, there was probably, like, 32 bytes of memory in the machine. I mean, I’m sure he’s coming up with some good shit under those circumstances but, like, you know… The Atari 2600 is not capable of pushing enough information for today’s sort of applications.
Jeff:
I feel bad for you, Microsoft people. You know what, it’s gonna be a rough one. Oh, you know the other thing that was kinda awesome is that video with the music thing. I looked it up, actually. I thought it was Roger Ebert that said this but he actually was quoting Umberto Echo, the author, John Miles’ favorite author, “The Name of the Rose” and all that. And he offered a definition of pornography that’s kind of funny. And a porno movie, he said is a movie where you become acutely aware that the characters are spending too much time getting in and out of cars and walking in and out of doors. Okay. And it’s true. If you watch a porn movie, you’re like… They spend an inordinate amount of time, like, we need to establish that they’re going to the plumber’s house or to get the pool… Show people going places.
Casey:
Well, the thing is… I mean, I feel like there’s an easy, scientific way to determine if that’s true, right? We should be able to go rent N porn movies at random and N regular movies at random, a statistically significant number of them and count the number of times we see a door closed or opened.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or a car door opened.
Jeff:
The car driving where they usually shoot up from the passenger’s seat of the dude driving is… That’s what I immediately thought of when he was describing that. However, let me say something…
Casey:
Maybe. I’m just saying I think that…
Jeff:
However, the music video has the same thing like that where they show a guy closing the laptop, picking it up and leaving the scene 6 times in a 3-minute video.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And it’s the same thing. They’re thinking, like, “We need to show him leaving…” They don’t have any editing mojos where they just could… You know, they just pop back to the house. It’s clear you’re back in the kitchen. We know… You don’t have to show him picking up his laptop again. That’s exactly what it reminded me of.
Casey:
That’s probably because no one at Microsoft knows what happens after you close a laptop because every time I close a laptop that’s running Windows, you might as well have fucking turned it off. You try to turn it back on again, half the things have crashed. Half the time, it doesn’t come back. Half the time, it never went to sleep to begin with. It’s still on and burning up the fucking inside of your backpack, draining all the batteries, and lighting the fucking thing on fire, right?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
If you’re lucky, what you’ll see is when you open the laptop up, it says, “Hibernating,” and the thing’s fucking… Like, it went to sleep in the middle of the hibernation…
Jeff:
That’s awesome. I’ve had that same thing.
Casey:
All the time…
Jeff:
So you turn it on so that it can turn off so that you can turn it on again so it can come out of hibernate.
Jeff:
If they really sang what they were… ‘Cos they sing something about “we’re gonna have a happy home if we all sing in rhyme”…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “No…” They sing what they say at their therapist’s office.
Casey:
She would sing something like “the milkman is still underneath the bed”…
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
And he would’ve been like, “The guy at the coffee machine had a nice ass today,” or whatever…
Jeff:
Yeah, “I want to kill myself…” Right. Anyway, it is awesome. You have to see this.
Casey:
“Are you sure she isn’t adopted? Could we send her back to the agency?”
Jeff:
It’s just awesome. And there’s actually a couple of them. There’s ones that spin off with the dude that does [inaudible 37:51]
Casey:
Oh, see, I haven’t seen any other ones. I only got to see this little gem.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s amazing. I mean, it’s actively… I don’t care if the product was good. It looks pretty shitty and it sounds horrible.
Casey:
Yeah. It looks like a bad implementation of this particular product.
Jeff:
But even if it wasn’t, this would actively put you off the product. And this was one of the… They also showed… What was the other thing? We saw another video… Oh, the barcode shit.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Do you want to talk about the barcode? Because you saw…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Well, this is just…
Jeff:
This has been around forever.
Casey:
This is just a reimplementation of shit they already have.
Jeff:
No, this is Microsoft. They flipped the script, right?
Casey:
Well, I mean, in Japan for many, many years, they’ve had this system which was sort of like the UPC code.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But instead of just vertical lines, it’s a 2D grid of information, basically. And cell phones just, in general, have the ability for you to point their camera at one of these things, click a button, and it will take the information from that, which is textual encoding, and will show you what it is. So if someone gives you a business card, it can have this on it and you can just point it and suck in the data on the business card. Or if someone puts up a poster, they can have one of these on it and you can scan that and get all the information that was on the poster in your thing, right? Now, Microsoft’s addition… Hopefully, they’re not pretending this is something new.
Jeff:
Do you remember the name?
Casey:
Of what?
Jeff:
It’s called Microsoft Tag, by the way.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
That’s the product name.
Casey:
They are spray paint cool.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Anyway, the one in Japan is much older. So presumably, Microsoft’s addition to this would be higher or larger data. Hopefully, they’re not pretending that they made this up because everyone knows that it exists. If you’ve ever been to Japan, you know that this exists, right? So that’s not…
Jeff:
I saw nothing in the video that led me to believe that it was anything more than tiny URL’s that are encoded in there. Nothing more than that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So, no. I between they got it, they patented it…
Casey:
I mean, it’s in Japan. It works fine. It’s not particularly interesting technology.
Jeff:
It seems totally lame to me.
Casey:
It’s not useful. I’ve never bothered to use it. It’s not really that interesting.
Jeff:
Well, it has this awesome video where they’re like, “Microsoft Tag,” and they’re showing… And the dude… So the dude, again, they have to have a story. The dude’s running around Seattle. You can tell it’s Seattle.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And everywhere he goes, there are these tags. First of all, I’ve never seen these tags anywhere.
Casey:
And I don’t ever wish to, for the record.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, in his Seattle, in this imaginary Seattle, they’re all over the fucking place.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And so, he goes…
Casey:
Now, let’s say one thing about these, though. So these tags use color, as far as I can tell. They’re in color.
Jeff:
Yeah, they look like they’re colorful.
Casey:
So one thing that’s true about these tags is, much like any other Microsoft thing that they have ever introduced in the history of time, if you actually wanted to use this for some reason, you would fuck up your graphic design completely. There is no way to stick these… It’s not like the Japanese ones which are monochrome so you could… It’s not particularly attractive but it doesn’t fuck up your color scheme having it there.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The Microsoft ones, forget it. Done. You will not be able to have a non-ugly thing with this thing, which they demonstrated multiple times in this video by taking an otherwise relatively clean bus schedule design poster thing…
Jeff:
Wait. What did they say? It’s important to say what the voiceover at that point was.
Casey:
What was it?
Jeff:
So this dude is going around Seattle and he’s buying stuff like flowers, candy, and all this…
Casey:
Oh, is he going on a date in this video?
Jeff:
Yes. So basically, it’s a dude with absolutely shitty game, by the way.
Casey:
Right, because he’s got nothing.
Jeff:
Right, like, a non-Microsoft dude…
Casey:
He buys the yellow roses or something. He’s like, “Wait, what?”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And all the devices break, right? You’re never getting back on…
Casey:
Yeah. It comes out of hibernate in sleep mode because it hibernated in the middle of the sleep mode. It’s awesome. You know what, I can pretty much tell you that no one ever wants to hibernate… No one ever wants to go to sleep in the middle of a hibernation.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s not an operation.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s not when you had the support. So you should probably put an “If” statement in there that says if the user clicked hibernate, do not sleep under any circumstances. Of course, you know what, although I’m saying that, I’m actually wrong, now that I think about it because half the time, when you try to hibernate a machine, it can’t ever get there. It hangs somewhere…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you actually do want to sleep so that it won’t drain out the batteries so you can come back later, open it up, and hold down the button for 8 seconds or 10 seconds or whatever so you restart your goddamned machine and still have some batteries.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So you’ve got sleep during hibernate, very important now that I think about it.
Jeff:
I’ve got the awesome hibernate. When it comes out of hibernation, none of my wireless works.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just reboot…
Casey:
Fortunately, if you open and close the top a few times on mine, the wireless kicks back in again.
Jeff:
Oh, awesome. Alright, I’ll have to try that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s easier…
Casey:
Way easier.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
There’s this whole class or computer-related problems like that that are just totally inexcusable. They are things that the user can do a reliable operation to get it to work. And yet, the software could not do that thing, right? The classic example is, like, you are going to do something that requires an internet connection or something and the internet connection momentarily goes down…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And that’s it, right? It’s done. Forget it. But you can go restart that thing, whatever it was and it works fine.
Jeff:
Right. And in XP, they added, like, you can right-click on the Network icon and hit Repair.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, you cannot… If you don’t have an IP address…
Casey:
Fucking do that shit…
Jeff:
Repair yourself.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
What’s the matter with you?
Casey:
Right. You just hit repair and it shows you all the steps that we used to all do manually in Windows 2000. It’s like, “Uninstalling the device…” It’s like, “You’ve got to be shitting me. You look at this problem. You’re like, “Wow, everyone goes to this…” And your solution to it was we’ll automate that process?! Unreal.
Jeff:
It’s awesome.
Casey:
Un-fucking-real.
Jeff:
It’s awesome.
Casey:
They are amazing. God.
Jeff:
I don’t know what’s going on.
Casey:
It just never gets old with Microsoft. Every time I think they can’t get any more ridiculous, they fucking turn it up to 12 and then 13.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s like XP was not… Like, it was the first start of that slide where when it came out, everyone’s like, “I’m not using that shit.” And now, XP is like, awesome.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
We’re like, “Oh, man. We gotta go back to XP.”
Casey:
You know, you give them an inch, they’ll take a yard. Take away their inch… Right? All they want is their inch back.
Jeff:
The frustrating thing is there are things that I want in the later ones that they don’t put in the old ones. So now, I’m like, in this weird thing where I need to do some DX10 stuff. So, alright, fine. Fuck it. I’ll put Vista in a VM. I don’t want to run that, God forbid.
Casey:
I ain’t gonna run that shit.
Jeff:
I ain’t gonna run it.
Casey:
I ain’t gonna run that shit.
Jeff:
So, Casey, I know you have been watching “Sea Quest”? “Sea Lab”?
Casey:
“Sea Quest DSV”.
Jeff:
I have called this show so many things in the last couple…
Casey:
Yes. And I’ve called it so many things, as well, in a different context perhaps.
Jeff:
We’re gonna spread these out but we really need to strike while the iron is hot, while you are still… While this is fresh in your…
Casey:
Oh, how many episodes do you want me to do in a chunk I guess is what you’re…
Jeff:
Give me 2 summaries this time. Give me 2 episodes.
Casey:
Okay. Well, first of all, I wanted to say some things, just 2 quick points because I think on the previous show, I didn’t have this information.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
First of all… Oh, and also, I should mention where this information comes from. At the end of each episode, not the pilot but the subsequent episodes, I believe, Bob Ballard/Rob Ballard, the guy who found the Titanic, that guy, somebody Ballard…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He comes on…
Jeff:
Rob Zombie?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He comes on and he tells you a little bit about oceanographic exploration.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And it usually takes the form of, “The stuff you saw in tonight’s show has nothing to do with anything but whales are cool.” Like, that’s kind of what… Like it’s usually…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
[ It’s more exactly that way ]. They’re like, “Even though aliens don’t exist in the oceans, there are some pretty weird creatures. And here’s a one-eyed fish,” or whatever, you know, that kind of thing.
Jeff:
Do you think he’s doing that thing under duress? Like…
Casey:
I think he gets some money from this is what I think.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
I think he was doing this for PR and funding.
Jeff:
I see. Because he’s not in a huge ship that can just break off to Hawaii. He’s in a dingy…
Casey:
Yeah. Well, I mean, they’ve got a pretty stoked vessel but I bet costs a lot of money to run that thing. And I between if there’s a TV show… Because he is listed as the science advisor. And Hollywood probably pays $200,000 a year to their science advisor or something, right? So he’s probably like, “I’ll say anything you goddamn want me in this program for $200,000.”
Jeff:
I just realized how bad is, like, science advisor for Hol--… That’s, like, CEO of Ethics at Microsoft or…
Casey:
Or Ethics at Anderson Consulting or something like that, right? You know, just obvious ridiculous, Goldman Sachs, like… So anyway, what he said was that DSV stands for Deep Submergent Vehicle.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Now, how they say that with a straight face, I have no idea, right. Because, I mean, that’s one of those things where, like, the porn name for the show is the same as the actual name for the show. You know what I mean?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, you just put “Deep Submergent Vehicle” in quotes instead of actually writing it out and you’re done, right? That’s all you need to do.
Jeff:
Sumbersive Jamming.
Casey:
DSV stands for Deep Submergent Vehicle. And the other thing I found out was that the show takes place in 2018. You were wondering before how far in the future this was. So I don’t remember the exactly dates when these were filmed but maybe 20 years in the future for them…
Jeff:
Do dolphins are going to make a huge jump in the next 9 years…
Casey:
Yes. So this might be end of the 80’s/early 90’s, so 20 years for them. Right now, we’re talking about 10 years into the future.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So 10 years into the future, they’re gonna have this giant thing with the talking dolphins and all that stuff.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Interestingly enough, what they will not have is MP3’s.
Jeff:
Oh, dear.
Casey:
Because they actually have to hand around what looked basically like the old Sony mini-discs when they want to play music.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So their music… Their big brainstorm on what audio would be like in the future would be compact discs would be smaller in diameter.
Jeff:
Let me tell you about this. Yeah.
Casey:
That was where they were at.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They hadn’t gotten anywhere past that. It’s like, “Okay, awesome.”
Jeff:
“Dude, things get smaller.”
Casey:
Yeah, they all get smaller.
Jeff:
“Dude, imagine a CD but smaller.”
Casey:
Here’s what I don’t understand. They already had hard drives. They already knew the curves, okay? They always leap massively forward on these things that nobody today has even a hypothesis on how to leap forward on, right? Like, the construction of that vessel and the things they have, like these hyper reality probes where they put on the goggles and it’s showing them and the robotic arm is mimicking them and flying through space. That shit, iteration on that shit is really fucking slow because the number of people who need submersible remote virtual reality controlled, glove-based, binocular robotics is, like, zero people in the world. So it doesn’t happen very fast. You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Dude, Sean Fanning’s working on that right now.
Casey:
Who’s Sean Fanning?
Jeff:
The Napster dude. He’s working on the submersible vehicle that’s probably running on stolen gasoline, by the way.
Casey:
Awesome. Totally. No, you just share gasoline with your neighbor. So point being, they always make these huge leaps forward on things that are incredibly complicated, right? Or the weaponry. It’s the hand-held laser. Of course, we’re gonna have that in 50 years. Yet somehow, we will still have to hand you a thing that has data on it even though wireless… This is a typical thing in “Star Trek”. “I’ve got you something with data on it even though we can somehow transmit data across the universe instantaneously.
Jeff:
So they were handing each other music? Or was it just a recording? Wait, so that means they’re pirating music? If he’s handing somebody…
Casey:
No, they did not copy the music.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. It was an original?
Casey:
Yeah. It was actually… Well, that was not addressed.
Sean:
Actually, I think those are dongles.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. They’re not music. They’re just dongles for the…
Casey:
The music’s all stored on the computer.
Jeff:
Right. Everybody has all music…
Casey:
All the music. You gotta unlock it…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Sean, that was brilliant. That is brilliant.
Jeff:
That’s the stored DRM keys, basically.
Casey:
Absolutely. And you know what, that’s totally plausible.
Jeff:
Where do you think the dolphin keeps his dongle?
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
In the blow hole.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Sean:
That’s what she said.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Now, you’re both doing it.
Casey:
So anyway, yeah, in 2018, we’ll be back to storing audio on discs. That was one thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That was true. But what was I gonna say? On to the episode summary.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So episode 3, because I told you episode 2 last time…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Episode 3 is called “Treasure of the Mind”.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
And what happens in this episode is the Library of Alexandria…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Which unlike everything else on the show actually did exist at some point, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The Library of Alexandria sunk in an earthquake.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The kind of an earthquake that makes the entire library sink as a single building in one piece.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s how it goes. Yep.
Casey:
You know those kinds of earthquakes.
Jeff:
Yeah, right. There’s whole entire buildings underneath San Francisco, I don’t know if you know this.
Casey:
Okay. Again, much like I said of oceanographers… I don’t know if dolphins really can cure sickness with seaweed that only they know where it is or something like that…
Jeff:
Maybe he’s reading the book…
Casey:
Maybe that’s true. Maybe there are earthquakes that will sink the entire Library of Alexandria. Maybe the Library of Alexandria was built to Earthquakes Code. How should I know? I’m not a historian. Point being, that’s what happened in the episode.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, they find this accidentally. They are, like, combing around down there and they’re blowing sand away from shit and they find a giant head, a Statue of Liberty head. And they continue to blow the sand away. Somehow, they have invented in the future sand-blowing devices which blow sand off the ocean floor at extremely high speeds. We’re talking, like, foot sand per second. So it’s just draining down as if you had a brain at the bottom that was sucking all the quicksand out like an hourglass.
Jeff:
But you can still see.
Casey:
Somehow, no smoke is produced whatsoever. There’s no cloudiness.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It just goes away.
Jeff:
No silt.
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know. So that’s a pretty good technology there. I’d like to know how they do that. Anyway, this is happening…
Jeff:
The dolphin’s filtering it all.
Casey:
They see this giant head. And this giant head looks coincidentally much like somebody took… Just pulling this out of my ass here. Somebody took new tech, right… They took light wave 1 or whatever they had at the time… Had a really low res head and applied the marble texture to it.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So that is what pops up out of this thing.
Jeff:
It’s high quality stuff.
Casey:
Like, nice thong kind of action happening. So they’re like, “Oh, my God. What is this?” And it turns out that it’s the Library of Alexandria that’s sunk in one piece…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And, because that’s not fantastic enough, one of the domes of the library has had an air bubble trapped in this this entire time…
Jeff:
I see. To sit in there?
Casey:
Because it was a [ hermaphically ] sealed room, apparently, so that there was no air leakage out through the top of this dome.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And the pressure wasn’t a problem, either.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So in there are a bunch of completely intact artifacts…
Jeff:
That’s awesome. They can probably have the actors walk around and film, I’m guessing.
Casey:
Strangely enough, they could do exactly that.
Jeff:
That’s what I would guess.
Casey:
So there’s, like, urns that they pull out parchment from…
Jeff:
Yep. Do they need flashlights or anything?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
I guess they had some lamps in there.
Jeff:
Yeah, still running…
Casey:
They find some lamps.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
No, I mean, that they brought in. They brought in some lamps.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. They brought in some lamps.
Casey:
They brought in some lamps.
Jeff:
Space lamps.
Casey:
Lots of lamps. It’s good. It’s fine. So the plot of this episode revolves around the fact that it’s kind of a “can’t we all get along” episode.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
The plot of this episode revolves around the fact that all the nations whose antiquities which they weren’t necessarily at the time, although some of them would have been, I guess, actually because… Not necessarily antiquity… I think more than a hundred years. So, yeah, antiquity even at the time but now certainly.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Are all stored in this Library of Alexandria sunk out… They all want their artifacts back.
Jeff:
Right. “Give me my shit.”
Casey:
“Give us our shit back.” But the Sea Quest DSV team is trying to get the library to be held together so that it can be seen as one collection, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So obviously, this is some shit that Bob Ballard, in his science advisory capacity, was trying to push…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Because he’s obviously had problems with this when he has been digging up stuff. He was like, “You know what’s a real pain in my ass? It’s all these fucking countries thinking they could take their shit back,” right? It should be in a fucking museum, you know, Indie…
Jeff:
Like Indie, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, point being that’s what happens in this episode is all these people are… So the Sea Quest DSV team has to try and prevent that from happening.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It involves some pretty awesome scenes, one of which is a saboteur team tries to ruin the find by boring a hole into the thing and putting dynamite in it but they never actually get to the part where they put the dynamite in it because they’re caught.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So there’s just, like, a hole drilled in this dome that is letting leak in. And somehow, this does not ruin the structural integrity of it at all.
Jeff:
I see. Right.
Casey:
There’s just all this water pouring in and it’s fine.
Jeff:
This dome is seriously strong.
Casey:
This is the best dome ever.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Whoever the architect of the Library of Alexandria… And if my history was… If I actually had a memory, I could probably tell you who that was.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I have no idea who that was.
Jeff:
But he was awesome.
Casey:
Apparently very good architects.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And they plan for shit that normally people wouldn’t plan for.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like being under several hundred feet of water which is pretty awesome.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway…
Jeff:
So the dolphin [ delivered a cork? ]
Casey:
So they’re trying to negotiate keeping this together, keeping this library intact for mankind.
Jeff:
Alright. As the leak, right? As the water rises? Is that like a…
Casey:
No, there’s not that much of a time pressure but they’re just trying to negotiate with all these other emissaries from other countries.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So what they need to do to do this, to give themselves an advantage in the negotiation is… And I’m sure that this is the same thing that you do when you try to negotiate your business contracts and stuff, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The obvious thing is to hire a set of psychics because that will tell you what the other people are thinking…
Jeff:
Oh, awesome.
Casey:
You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
So I should call Cleo when I’m negotiating my next thing…
Casey:
Yes, that is right, absolutely.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But here’s what they don’t know…
Jeff:
I’d ask him to read EA and it’s like, “All I’m getting is Burger King.” That’s useful…
Casey:
That’s right. Now, there’s all kinds of writer’s rules that they built into this because that’s the nice part about picking some bullshit topic like ESP is since it doesn’t actually exist, you can make up a bunch of rules about it that are sort of completely weird and arbitrary.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So some things you should know about ESP. If someone with ESP wants to read someone else’s mind who also has ESP…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They can only do so if the other person allows them to.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So it’s kind of like being on this other plane at the same time where if you’re aware of being there, you can I guess step in front of the guy, kind of doing one of those dances you do on the sidewalk that doesn’t let the other guy into the brain.
Jeff:
I see. It does the block. Alright.
Casey:
Right. Yeah. It does the block. Okay.
Jeff:
He’s got the block on, right?
Casey:
Exactly. And if you are someone who has latent ESP potential but has not realized that potential yet, you cannot stop someone from entering your brain but you can feel their presence.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You with me so far?
Jeff:
I think I’m with you so far.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Like you’re being touched and you just know something’s wrong but not necessarily…
Casey:
Good touch/bad touch…
Jeff:
Right. You don’t know necessarily that you’re being raped because you don’t know what rape is.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
You just know you’re being touched inappropriately.
Casey:
Right, exactly. And 40 years down the line, you’re gonna have, like… You know, “Yes, it turns out the priest did actually read your mind.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway, so…
Jeff:
I’m getting cookies…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Would you like some?
Casey:
Now, somehow, the same writers who, in the previous episode had said, “I know the dolphin is sick because I can feel it in my mind.” They introduce ESP in this topic. You’d think they’d go ahead and go, “Hey, wait, we used that in the last episode. Let’s go ahead and tie that off.” They fail to give the guy who said that ESP.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
He does not have it.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So I guess he only has man to dolphin link.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But he does not have man to man or woman link.
Jeff:
Yeah, okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Casey:
Now, one thing that can backfire on you when you hire people with extra sensory perception to help you with your negotiations…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The thing that can backfire is if they are tired of doing all this ESP shit for the government…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
Yeah, I think I see where you’re going.
Casey:
It’s not against their will.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re being paid for the service.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But it’s just every damn time there’s a missing child or an international crisis, they get the fucking call and they have to get out of bed and go to wherever the fuck and read somebody’s mind.
Jeff:
“Gotta go work for the man.”
Casey:
It’s a blessing and a curse, Jeff. It really is.
Jeff:
At the same time.
Casey:
So what they have decided to do is intentionally misread the minds so that they will no longer be called upon for this purpose.
Jeff:
I see. Right. You know, sometimes it’s hard to say no to somebody. You know, you want to just say no…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
It’s easier to make a little white lie.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You know?
Casey:
You have just recited one scene of this show exactly.
Jeff:
Holy shit.
Casey:
When they explained it, they explained it just like you just explained it.
Jeff:
Holy shit. I could write this show.
Casey:
Oh, you could write this show pretty easily, I think. You might have a hard time coming up with some of the things that these guys come up with but, yeah, you could probably write the show.
Jeff:
Yeah, it sounds like these guys are awesome.
Casey:
So…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
As a result, the captain of the ship, who it turns out conveniently has latent ESP…
Jeff:
Oh, okay…
Casey:
Figures out…
Jeff:
This is Roy?
Casey:
Yes, this is Roy Scheider…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Sorry, I’ve been saying his name wrong on the last podcast.
Jeff:
Ah, it doesn’t matter.
Casey:
No, it does not matter at all.
Jeff:
If you’re coming to us for facts, oh, boy…
Casey:
Especially a fact of that caliber…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Like, come on. We can’t even tell you who built the Library of Alexandria and we’re supposed to know this fucking actor, like the spelling of his name?
Jeff:
Yeah. Yep, he’s an [ orca ] or something. But yeah, keep going.
Casey:
I have no idea. Anyway, the captain of the ship realizes this has happened and confronts them. And he confronts them with the line, “Tell your father that I know that he knows that I know he lied.”
Jeff:
“Tell your father that I know that he knows that I know he lied.”
Casey:
Right. Because they’re trying to be cute because he’s a psychic so he would know that he knows that he lied.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Do you see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
No, but okay.
Casey:
That was kind of the combination of that little thingy…
Jeff:
Okay. And that got him in line? They’re like, “Oh, fuck.”
Casey:
Yeah, they confronted him then it all went… And the other thing, he…
Jeff:
And so then, they were on government contracts for the next 50 years?
Casey:
He agreed to help them disappear for a while. He said, “We’ll drop you in some other country. They’ll never be able to find you.” The government won’t be able to find you if we drop you in some other country, right? If this giant military vessel drops you off somewhere, they’ll never be able to find you.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because how would you find them? How would the military, with its limited resources, be able to find 3 psychics who they know what they look like when they were dropped off the only vehicle in the world that’s a mile long and looks like a battle station?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Where would you even start? I don’t know where to begin with that kind of investigation. Possibly, you could ask all the nations where the last time was that someone dropped some shit off from this giant fucking thing that they can track on sonar, right? That might be one thing.
Jeff:
You could also ask the other psychics just to ask where are they right now?
Casey:
Yeah. It’s like an episode of “Dragnet”. “Ma’am, now I have to ask you. Have you seen any deep submergence vehicles about a mile long? Were they on the street at any time? Did anyone get out of the vehicle?”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, that was a kind thing of him to do.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, hook him up with a new life.
Casey:
Right. Yeah. It’s excellent. And the other thing they mention there is they’ll only have to be… The psychics are like, “It’ll be fine because after a month or so, they’ll get the message and we can just come back.”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
They mention that, too. Now, the only other thing that happens in this episode that you need to know is… Because this may be important later. So far, they never have something that is important later so I don’t… I doubt that very much. But one thing that could potentially be is the genius boy, right, whoever the little Wesley Crusher is on the show, that dude.
Jeff:
Alright. There’s a Wesley Crusher. I didn’t even know that.
Casey:
Yeah. I told you. I thought I said this on the…
Jeff:
I think…
Casey:
He’s the one who made the dolphin communication. He’s, like, 14…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He made the dolphin communication device.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Just in case you’re wondering. The DCD translator.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. There’s really a name.
Casey:
No, it’s not that. I called that. I called it the DCD. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Also ESP in this show is called the Psy Factor. It’s called the Psy Factor.
Jeff:
I think I have that channel on my disc.
Casey:
Yeah, I know.
Jeff:
I turn on the Psy Factor all the time.
Casey:
Yeah. They say this…
Jeff:
Really shitty shows…
Casey:
They say this, actually…
Jeff:
How do they use it? Like, “I have the Psy Factor”?
Casey:
No, but this is the thing. Normally on shitty science fiction shows, which is almost all science fiction shows, probably…
Jeff:
All of them…
Casey:
Right. Is they just start saying the Psy Factor, right? They don’t explain it, really, because it’s obvious what it is and by explaining it, you cheapen what you perceive to be the coolness of making up a stupid name for something that already has a name.
Jeff:
Right. It’s more interesting to have…
Casey:
Not this show, baby. Not this show.
Jeff:
They will explain that shit to death.
Casey:
They said, “Psy Factor, that’s what we call ESP.” They just fucking turn to the camera and say that shit.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. “Wink, wink…”
Casey:
“If you know what I mean…”
Jeff:
“Wink…” Goddamn it.
Casey:
Unreal. Totally unreal. I swear to fucking God this shit happened.
Jeff:
I see. Wow.
Casey:
Okay. Other things that you need to know. Wesley Crusher wakes up in basically having a wet dream…
Jeff:
Let’s call him Wesley Gusher.
Casey:
Okay. Wesley Gusher wakes up having a wet dream about the Chief of Engineering. Now, they do not explicitly… It is a prime time show for kids. I mean, not for kids but for the whole family. So they do not show him doing any such things…
Jeff:
“Are you there, Roy? It’s me, Wesley.”
Casey:
Yeah. Point being… And all throughout the episode, he is checking her out and the ESP people give him a knowing look.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Multiple times, like this show never got old for them.
Jeff:
So, wait, what you’re saying then is psychics can just read other people’s minds when they want some porn. They have full access to, like…
Casey:
Yes, right, but it’s gonna be someone else’s porn.
Jeff:
Everybody’s fucked up little fetish going.
Casey:
But it’s gonna be someone else’s porn. And it might only come through in textual form. So it might be more like a Harlequin romance novel. It was never addressed whether they were getting pictures, audio, or just words, basically, or thoughts, right?
Jeff:
I see. So are there ever dry dreams in the DSV or are they all wet dreams?
Casey:
I don’t know. That’s a very good question.
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
For the dolphin, always wet.
Jeff:
You don’t get to describe two of these…
Casey:
Because it takes too long, doesn’t it?
Jeff:
They’re too amazing and we can’t go on.
Casey:
I didn’t even go into some of the specifics. Like one of the interesting things about it is the captain and the female psych girl want to get with each other. He’s, like, 97 years old…
Jeff:
Did you call them the… You called them the female what?
Casey:
The female psych girl…
Jeff:
Psych or Psy…
Casey:
Sorry, Psy Factor person or whatever.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The female Psy Factor.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Now, the Psy Factor to me is what I do when I’m watching the show. I’m like, “Ugh…” Right? It’s like, “This episode had a Psy Factor of 5 whereas episode 2 had a Psy Factor of 12.” Right?
Jeff:
Awesome. We need to wrap up.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I think the director went on to do Microsoft commercials ten years later, by the way. Anyway, we need to wrap up. We’re way late on time so we’re gonna wrap up fast.
Casey:
We are. Just from having the Deep Space…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I gotta find a way to do these shorter.
Jeff:
No, they’re awesome.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Give us an email. Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com… Whoo!
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
And, phone number?
Casey:
The phone number is… You can call Sean and leave him a special message that he will relay to the podcast at 425-296-3012.
Jeff:
Right. And let us know. Give us some reviews on iTunes. Tell us what you like. Are you liking these… I don’t really care because I enjoy them so much.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
I could have a podcast where you just describe these all day.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
We’re gonna run out and that’s gonna be a sad day.
Casey:
Well, it’ll take a while. There’s fucking 50 episodes or more of this show.
Jeff:
Wow, 50 episodes. Shit.
Casey:
You know what, if it’s a problem, we can split it off to a separate stream.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You can just subscribe to the “Deep Space 9” episode recap.
Jeff:
Yeah, you call it what I call it. I always call it “Deep Space 9”.
Casey:
Oh, fuck, yeah…
Jeff:
I’ve infected you.
Casey:
Well, because DSV is not a pronounceable thing. Deep Submergence Vehicle…
Sean:
Just call it “Deep Space 5”, it’s DSV.
Casey:
Yes, DSV, “Deep Space 5”.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody, that’s it for this week. And we will talk to you next week.
Casey:
I guess so.
Jeff:
That was a bad sign off. Let’s do it again. Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Thank you and good night.
Jeff:
And we’ll see you next week.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 48
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