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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Skinniest Kid at Fat Camp
"So, driving tips for the Jeff and Casey Show: A) Jeff can hit you, B) fat guy goes in the trunk."
Original air date: December 29th, 2008
Topics. Green popsicles. Christmas morning. Electron microscopes. Rick Astle. Brothels. Poland. Burt and Ernie. Burt-tipped condoms. Strip clubs. Porn and Pancakes. Condom suffocation. Condom eyeholes. Barney Frank. The Big Three auto manufaturers. Remington Steel book report. Jeff’s snow driving tips. Black ice. Hummer H2. Getting stuck in the snow. Texting during movies. Grand Theft Auto. The manholes of Liberty City. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Movie theater shooting. Will Rogers. Would You or Wouldn’t You. Things dropped into a toilet. iFart. Stow Police Log.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Episode 45. December 28th.
Casey:
I actually don’t know what episode it is.
Jeff:
It’s around that.
Casey:
You said you’d check so I guess it’s 45. But I totally lost track.
Jeff:
That’s what directory number is.
Casey:
Yes. Perfect.
Jeff:
That tells us our action.
Casey:
Excellent.
Jeff:
Almost 2009.
Casey:
Yes. Did you have a good Christmas, Jeff?
Jeff:
Yes. Oh, no. Oh, shit!
Casey:
No? What?
Jeff:
I forgot that it was Christmas.
Casey:
You forgot that it was Christmas?
Jeff:
I slept in. I got up. I was very hungry. Everything was closed.
Casey:
Oh… Yeah. I have had that experience before.
Jeff:
You know what I had, my Christmas breakfast?
Casey:
Yeah. What?
Jeff:
5 green popsicles because that’s all that was in the house. I had to eat those stupid leprechaun popsicles.
Casey:
Sorry. I have had that problem before. I had that problem one time when… It was Thanksgiving and my girlfriend at the time was going back to her parents’ house and I did not want to fucking go. So I was like, “Fuck that. I’m staying here.” But the problem is that the refrigerator broke the night before Thanksgiving. So all of the food… I woke up the next morning and all of the food was totally spoiled.
Jeff:
Well, you actually would cook for yourself, too.
Casey:
So I was like, “Oh, goddamn it.
Jeff:
I would not cook for myself.
Casey:
But I wouldn’t even have green popsicles is my point, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They all would’ve been melted. I could’ve drank them out of a cup.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s true.
Casey:
That doesn’t seem so appealing. You know what, that’s the thing…
Jeff:
You know what, on the fifth popsicle, I actually kind of… They were starting to turn good to me.
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
It was like cough drops, the first ones were really bad. And then after a while, it was like, “Oh, this is soothing.”
Casey:
That’s what they say on Capitol Hill, too.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
What is it about freezing that makes it so that something you would normally think tasted shitty tastes good? Like, if you had to drink the popsicle like flavored water, it would be fucking nasty, I bet. You’re like, “Oh, delicious,” in popsicle form.
Jeff:
Well, you know how I don’t waste anything.
Casey:
No. I don’t know that at all. That actually, I do not know.
Jeff:
If I leave this out tonight and it’s still here on my desk…
Casey:
You will drink that Amp?
Jeff:
I’ll put it back in the fridge until it’s cold and then I’ll still drink it.
Casey:
Wow. Okay, bacteria boy.
Jeff:
So, I can’t…
Casey:
Of course, nothing’s gonna grow in him.
Jeff:
I will not waste…
Casey:
So, you’re probably fine there. That would probably be good for weeks…
Jeff:
Now, I was just watching this documentary about the disasters that made the earth form.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
And there are these crazy bacteria that produce potassium…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s this crazy bacteria that makes sulfur.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
There’s something that would live in Amp…
Casey:
Okay, eventually…
Jeff:
Because, Casey, life will find a way. And those bacteria would be so extreme…
Casey:
Right. Yeah. And you would send animal videos through your microscope. You’re like, “Check it out. The bacteria looked at the camera. It looked right at the camera with its pseudopod pointed at me. That’s awesome.”
Jeff:
I’m gonna get something… I tried to buy that…
Casey:
“Stealth bacteria. Check it out. It’s a ninja bacteria. It’s frozen. It’s holding a pose.”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“This is awesome.” Then you’d be send me another one and be like, “Where are the bacteria?” And then it’s just like there are no bacteria in it and that’s remarkable to you. Yeah, I’m sure we’d have a whole series of animal links from your Amp. Amp links.
Jeff:
Moving across the screen.
Casey:
Yeah. “Look at how slow it goes.” And then you’d have one with the Benny Hill soundtrack. It’s like a bunch of bacteria moving around at 30x speed. It’s like…
Jeff:
But you’d like that.
Casey:
Yeah, I’d love that.
Jeff:
I tried to buy an electron microscope last December.
Casey:
You tried to buy one?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Why didn’t you buy one?
Jeff:
I put in an order. And then, when they called and asked me, they said, “What kind of lab are you? What do you do there? Are you studying chips or anything?” I was like, “No.” They were like, “You understand this takes 550 amp fuses and stuff?” I was like, “No.”
Casey:
Why didn’t you just say yes?
Jeff:
Well, I didn’t want to have to build…
Casey:
Ray, when someone asks you if you have 550 amp fuses, you say yes.
Jeff:
Alright. I blew it and so they wouldn’t sell it to me.
Casey:
Blew it. I get it. That’s a good pun.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
What the fuck? This is supposed to be America. When they call up, they’re just supposed to say, “Where do you want your electron microscope?” And you say, “Over there.” That’s what’s supposed to happen, right? It’s not supposed to be about “Do you have the right fuses and shit”. Or are they afraid you would use it for terrorist purposes?
Jeff:
I don’t think you can use it for that because it’s not the kind that you have to prepare the samples for. It’s the new scanning kind.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You don’t have to put the gold dust on it and stuff.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
It’s supposed to be really awesome but I was denied. Maybe if I got the building in our new building to run us a special thing…
Casey:
Why don’t you just have me take this phone call next time?
Jeff:
You handle it?
Casey:
Because it sounds like I’ll be able to handle this just fine.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“Yep. Oh, yeah, we got those. Yeah, we borrowed those yesterday.”
Jeff:
550? 550 whatever it takes…
Casey:
“Yeah. Where’s my fucking microscope?”
Jeff:
The other thing that stopped me was I figured it would be totally awesome for the first month…
Casey:
And you’d never use it again?
Jeff:
And I’d never turn it on again.
Casey:
How much do they cost?
Jeff:
75K. They’re not…
Casey:
They’re not even that expensive.
Jeff:
Not anymore. And this is a…
Casey:
They were calling you on the phone to see if you had shit for a $75,000 piece of equipment? That costs less than a car.
Jeff:
I think it was more like they weren’t trying to screen me. They were just like, “Dude, we don’t want to deliver this and you can’t plug it in and then you just send it back,” right? You know…
Casey:
They were afraid of returns on the microscope.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. Like game companies…
Casey:
“We get so many returns on these…”
Jeff:
“We get so many boxes back.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
“We get charge backs on our [ royalty ] statement.” Yeah. Anyway…
Casey:
If you get an electron microscope, I’m gonna Rick Roll you with it. I’m gonna get a little Rick Astley… I’m gonna arrange the molecules in the shape of a Rick Astley head. I’m gonna be like, “Jeff, check it out, what I found.”
Jeff:
The researchers at at IBM have probably already done that…
Casey:
Rick Rolled it? Yeah.
Jeff:
With a tunneling microscope…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
A little device, quantum device that can…
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah. Awesome.
Jeff:
Okay. So do you want to hit our first story of the podcast?
Casey:
Oh, I want to hit that first story.
Jeff:
Because we have not done anything on the list and we’re…
Casey:
Yeah, this is full on hitting…
Jeff:
One-tenth of the way through the podcast already.
Casey:
Right. Let’s hit it like a Seattle driver in the winter.
Jeff:
We’ll be talking about that.
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, I’m supposed to do it? You made the list.
Jeff:
Well, you have the links.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
You’re gonna be starting with brothel.
Casey:
Yeah, I know what we’re starting with.
Jeff:
People would love my topics written down here.
Casey:
Because they would… The chicken scratch you got over there in your little notebook?
Jeff:
No. I’m just saying this is interesting topics from the topic titles alone…
Casey:
Alone…
Jeff:
I’m fascinated, yeah.
Casey:
Pique their interest. So this… I think this has happened to everyone at some point in their lives, you know, if they’ve ever had a romantic relationship…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Where they go into an establishment of low moral fiber such as a strip club or, in this case, a brothel and they find their girlfriend or wife is an employee unbeknownst to them, right…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’ve all been there. We’ve all been there once or twice.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And so, this news story is about that. It’s called, “’What are You Doing Here?’ Man Asks Wife at Brothel”, that’s the headline.
Jeff:
That’s the headline?
Casey:
That’s the headline. And the story is from Warsaw. “A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town. ‘I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming,’ the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday. The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the paper reported.”
Jeff:
Yep. [inaudible 7:58]
Casey:
That’s the whole story. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This is the kind of investigative reporting that we can count on from the internet.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Some tabloid said that a guy saw his wife in a brothel. They’re getting divorced. Thank you. Meanwhile, bat boy resurfaces…”
Jeff:
“Please upvote.”
Casey:
“In Stockholm…”
Jeff:
No, no, no. It just then pleads for upvotes.
Casey:
Well, when he says, “I thought I was dreaming”… Like, I’m kind of confused about the dream where your wife is working at a brothel and you’re going to that brothel. Like, I wonder what Freud says about that dream. I wonder if he even touched on that subject. That’s already kind of confusing.
Jeff:
The thing that struck me was that the man was so outraged, right? Like, in those similar circumstances, you know, I think the woman would be able to somehow turn that back on you and say, “What are you doing here? Forget me for a second. What the hell are you doing in a brothel?”I bet the guy takes the brunt of that regardless of her [ pulling that stunt ].
Casey:
Well, what was he doing in the brothel? That’s the question.
Jeff:
Well, no. Like I was explaining to you, this is like that Bert and Ernie Christmas thing where… Do you remember what they were getting for each other?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Like Bert had to sell…
Casey:
Which one of them was working in the brothel? Bert or Ernie?
Jeff:
Bert, definitely Bert.
Casey:
Bert? Yeah. He’s got that pointy head.
Jeff:
It’s useful for all sorts of things.
Casey:
Sorry. Continue.
Jeff:
It’s got a little tuft.
Casey:
It does have a little tuft.
Jeff:
It’s a little tickler on top, yeah.
Casey:
Oh, and new Bert-tipped condoms.
Jeff:
No. There was… That was that Christmas episode where Bert sold something for his pigeons to get Ernie something.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, Ernie sold the thing that Bert’s present was gonna go with for something for the pigeons.
Casey:
Ah, I see. Poor planning.
Jeff:
This is what this is, see. The woman just went to work at the brothel to get her husband some gift.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right? Probably a gift certificate to the brothel.
Casey:
Well, it did not say that.
Jeff:
I’m just reading in.
Casey:
Well, she probably was trying to make some extra money to replace all the cash that her husband is spending at the brothel.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Unbeknownst to her, he’s actually paying her the money.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But now, the brothel owner’s taking a cut. So basically this family’s just getting fucked out of 25%.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Just period. It’s like a tax at that point, pretty much.
Jeff:
It’s like a table tax at poker.
Casey:
Yes. Right. I wonder if she was like, “Well, fuck it. I’m charging you regular rates at home from now on.”
Jeff:
That’s right. She comes to bed and, “Where are your singles?”
Casey:
Yeah. You don’t get any special exception.
Jeff:
Yeah. “Where are your singles?”
Casey:
“If you want to put that Bert thing on your head and do whatever it is you’re gonna do, I expect my $75.”
Jeff:
Well, do you remember the… What was the name of…
Casey:
What are the Polish brothel rates? I said $75. Is that… Am I insulting a Polish brothel worker at this point by suggesting the $75? Or is that high?
Jeff:
You could probably buy the brothel for $75.
Casey:
Okay. So you can just take her home for $75?
Jeff:
It kind of sounds like a joke, like, how many Polish brothel workers does it take to surprise her husband, right? Just one. I don’t know.
Casey:
You know, it’s a joke that doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But then again, this is the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
That reminded me of the… What was it called? Cynthia? Cindy? In North Seattle…
Casey:
Oh, in Seattle, there is a pancake house which I have never actually…
Jeff:
In quotes or a real pancake.
Casey:
A pancake house. No, just an actual pancake house.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And all the things I was about to say to try and clarify that, like, “No, no, a buttermilk pancake,” like, all were bad, right?
Jeff:
Right. No, just worse. Us.
Casey:
Dutch baby. I don’t know. All the pancake terms are dirty if you already assume that it’s a strip joint. No, it’s actually a pancake house where they serve pancakes, the real kind, literally…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which also, you can’t use literally because that just makes it sound worse. Like, “I literally got pancaked at this place.” So, anyway, it’s a pancake house called Cyndy’s but it’s spelled C-Y-N-D-Y-S or something like this.
Jeff:
Oh, stripper Cyndy.
Casey:
It’s already spelled like a strip club.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And now, they’re turning it into a strip club. They filed the permanent applications…
Jeff:
Oh, somebody bought it?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it’s not gonna be a pancake house anymore. It’s gonna be a “pancake house” like you were saying before. It’s going from real pancakes to pancakes,
Jeff:
Oh, this is gonna be… You know what, we need to go there opening day on Sunday morning because I’ve been down to pancake house, Sunday, at like…
Casey:
Oh, the original pancake house right here in Kirkland, yeah.
Jeff:
All it is is 90% 80-year old people and their wife. All those mother fuckers are going to show up…
Casey:
Oh, God. You think they’re still gonna show up for the pancakes?
Jeff:
Of course, they are. For the pancakes that first morning.
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
And there’s gonna be coronary…
Casey:
“Where did all the windows go?”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they probably still do… You know, they’re gonna have the standard stripper buffet kind of style food.
Casey:
Maybe some of the ones [inaudible 12:56] won’t even notice.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or it’s like, okay, the page 1 story is, “Cyndy’s strip club opens at site of old pancake house.” Page 2 story is, “Heart attacks up 75%,” right? It’s like, all these old people are dead.
Jeff:
I think it’s gonna be something like Monday morning, it’s gonna be like all the strippers quit from Cyndy’s because there’s full-on Viagra rage.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No, no… Dude, they’re coming ready…
Casey:
No. No!
Jeff:
Like, old people come to roll now.
Casey:
Dude, old people… Everyone I’ve ever known who worked as a waitress says old people don’t tip for shit.
Jeff:
Oh, sure. I’m just saying…
Casey:
And strippers are not gonna like that. They’re gonna be like, “Fuck this. I’m going to a different club.”
Jeff:
I agree.
Casey:
“These 85-year old dudes who can’t even see…”
Jeff:
But see, the problem is now you have these 85-year old that would’ve been harmless previously.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And now, they’re full-on Viagra rage and they’re ready to roll. They’re there…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
What was the Chris Rock thing? If you’re ever in a strip club during the day, you have a problem.
Casey:
You have a problem. Yeah.
Jeff:
If you ever eat the food at a strip club, you have a problem.
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
Alright. Cyndy’s… Alright, we’ll watch for that special report.
Casey:
Well, I don’t really think that I will because not that there’s anything wrong with going to a strip club on a Sunday morning…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Praise be to Jesus… But I think this is in some sect of town that I’m just not going to go to. It’s like, up north on Aurora or something.
Jeff:
You have a Mason-Dixon line in Seattle that you won’t cross. And that’s the North Seattle…
Casey:
Korea Town… There’s a Korea Town up there which is good. You go there and there’s good stuff up there.
Jeff:
The strip clubs are really awesome.
Casey:
No. I meant for food.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I meant for literal pancakes, not figurative pancakes.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Other than that, I can’t think of a single reason why you would ever drive north on Aurora. I have no idea why you would. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Jeff:
If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, Aurora is the sight of, like, 5 serial killers have patrolled…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So Aurora…
Casey:
And if you had to live on Aurora, you would be, too.
Jeff:
Right, because, like…
Casey:
Right? It’s just totally out of control.
Jeff:
It’s something about the weather or something. We breed the serial killers. You know, would you see, like, Dexter living warm in Miami? No.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
He’s chilling here in Seattle and the rain and snow, they make him go bananas.
Casey:
Yes. Well, see, the thing is if you have a part of town… I don’t know where you live in the world right now, the listeners… But if you have a part of town or a nearby town or something that has motels that have a total of 6 rooms, a sign that says something like “Free Cable” but the A is missing, that kind of thing and none of the lights work, that’s the kind… That’s what we’re talking about. That is Aurora Avenue.
Jeff:
If they charge by the hour…
Casey:
Right, by the hour, not by the day…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, classic motel/Interstate-76 kind of shit. Yeah. So anyway… Maybe 76 is the wrong thing. What’s the… I’m trying to think one of those Midwestern interstates where you stop on the side of the road and it plays a little twangy guitar and the tumbleweed goes by and…
Jeff:
You’re talking… Like “Deliverance”-style?
Casey:
I don’t know. I’ve never seen “Deliverance”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’ve heard it’s good.
Jeff:
It’s not good.
Casey:
Okay. Never mind.
Jeff:
Alright. So we need to watch out for it. You’re not going. I’ll let you know.
Casey:
Yeah. You’ll have to tell me how it was.
Jeff:
What if they continue serving pancakes and it’s delicious?
Casey:
I guess they could corner the market on… This is one of those things where you put 2 things together. Like you could be just another strip club. That’s not interesting. But if you’re a strip club and pancake house…
Jeff:
I just realized it…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Porn & Pancakes. That's what they're providing to the table.
Casey:
Oh, yes! That’s right. So that church, the Eastside Church…
Jeff:
Is hooking up with Cyndy’s…
Casey:
It’s gonna be all about this.
Jeff:
They’re gonna be on top of that. You have nothing to say about that.
Casey:
We should send them an email in earnest that’s like, “We would like you to come to our own Porn & Pancakes…”
Jeff:
Yeah. What Cyndy’s should do is take their flyer…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They don’t have to change any of the text.
Casey:
Nope. It can be basically the same.
Jeff:
Just change the address of the thing. Because they could have the XXX Pastors…
Casey:
Well, if there’s one difference there which was that the Porn & Pancakes thing was all male. This sounds like it's gonna be female for male strip club…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Whereas the Eastside Church was all about super gay shit. Remember there was, like, “No Women Allowed”, right? All guys for the Porn & Pancakes. Right?
Jeff:
Right. Porn & Pastries was for women.
Casey:
But all women, again. So they were, like, our place in Capitol Hill where each floor of the club is for a different pairing.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So they’ve got man on man, girl on girl, and maybe guy on… I don’t even know…
Jeff:
W4W… M4M…
Casey:
Point being… Exactly…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s that kind of a thing.
Jeff:
And this is W4M?
Casey:
What? This particular… Cyndy’s?
Jeff:
Cyndy’s sounds like a W4M.
Casey:
Yeah, Cyndy’s is W4M or M4W clientele-oriented, I guess.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Point being, if you’re going to a strip club/brothel, even if your wife is working there, because once you know she’s working at a brothel (this is still good advice) wear a condom but be very careful how you put it on, which brings up our next story.
Jeff:
Look at that segue.
Casey:
You see what I did there?
Jeff:
I saw what you did there.
Casey:
That was pretty good.
Jeff:
That was pretty good.
Casey:
I dragged the bull by the nuts…
Jeff:
Dragged it…
Casey:
And put on a condom.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
So, this next story is entitled simply “Killed by Condom” and it was sent in by one of our listeners whose name we do not know how to pronounce. Petri… Do you know how to pronounce his name?
Jeff:
I thought it was Perhoe but I’m scared to say that word.
Casey:
We don’t know how to pronounce your name so call the hotline at some point and tell us how to pronounce your name so we can read it next time. But he sent in a clipping called “Killed by Condom” and it reads, “A man accidentally killed himself by putting a condom over his head in a bizarre sex stunt.” Right? Which reminds me, last time I put on a condom, I don’t think it said anything on there that said, “This may be a choking hazard. Keep away from small children,” or anything like that.
Jeff:
Maybe he was watching Howie Mendel and he was just trying to get his jokes on.
Casey:
It’s possible. I don’t know. It says that [ “Inquest heard ] Gary Ashbrook, 31, was found suffocated, naked on his bed wearing the inflated rubber beside empty cans of laughing gas.”
Jeff:
Well, here’s the thing. You know when your mother always says…
Casey:
“[ Paul Michael Gold ] told the coroner at Eastbourne Magistrates’ Court that Ashbrook of Newhaven, East Sussex did it for ‘sexual gratification’.”
Jeff:
You think?
Casey:
So death by condom asphyxiation plus laughing gas in the room and they were thinking, what, foul play? What was the other explanation they would have needed to discredit…
Jeff:
Let’s bring Sherlock Holmes in.
Casey:
Yeah, he’s like, “Hmmm…”
Jeff:
“What the fuck is wrong with you people?”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
So, here’s the thing. You know how your mother always says, “Make sure you’re wearing clean underwear in case you ever get hit by a bus,” right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
She never said anything about having a condom on your head and making sure that you breathe enough oxygen and not too much nitrous oxide.
Casey:
Maybe he heeded his mother’s advice and he was wearing clean underwear, right?
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
So he did…
Jeff:
The underwear was clean.
Casey:
The failsafe was in place. So at least, he doesn’t have to be embarrassed now by having died with soiled underwear, granted, he was wearing a condom on his head and he’s full of laughing gas but…
Jeff:
And he was naked, right?
Casey:
He’s spared…
Jeff:
He was also…
Casey:
It didn’t say that.
Jeff:
Did I just inject that into my mind?
Casey:
Oh, no. You’re right. It does say, “He was found suffocated, naked on his bed wearing the inflated rubber.” So, naked is not technically true. He had a condom on.
Jeff:
That’s true. They should be clear about this.
Casey:
They should be clear about that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So he was almost naked.
Jeff:
Maybe he just didn’t know how it was supposed to work, right? He’s some teenager in a really Christian family, no sex ed, he went and bought the condoms. His friend says, “You put them on your head,” didn’t understand… Although, the laughing gas kind of…
Casey:
Yeah. I think he had a completely good idea what was going on here.
Jeff:
Where do you get laughing gas?
Casey:
I don’t know. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Apparently at the condom store…
Casey:
Nitrous oxide, I don’t know, where do you get that?
Jeff:
I don’t think you can because it’s a dangerous…
Casey:
Maybe he was a dentist.
Jeff:
I see. Dentists are kind of fucked up.
Casey:
Sometimes. You never know.
Jeff:
No, they are. It’s pretty much for sure.
Casey:
Maybe he was going to perform oral sex so he put the condom over his head…
Jeff:
Like, dam-style?
Casey:
I guess. You’d think you can just do your mouth at that point but you can’t get it over your mouth. Just put it on your tongue.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Hopefully, it doesn’t have spermicide…
Jeff:
Stop it…
Casey:
In there. It might taste a little weird.
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
I wonder if this was a new condom or if it’s like the same one he normally uses. I wonder if he’s just got one condom.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe it’s like he went and got normal condoms and a Magnum for his head.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Maybe that’s a whole new product line…
Casey:
Head condoms?
Jeff:
Head condoms.
Casey:
Breathable so you don’t suffocate. “How many time has this happened to you?” It’s got the dude on the bed suffocating in the condom over his head. And he’s like, “Well, don’t you worry because new Trojan brand breathable condoms allow you to not fucking asphyxiate yourself with laughing gas so the police won’t find you ‘naked on a bed wearing nothing but a condom over your head’. Now with eye holes.” Some dude with a condom on his head, wacks into an overhead pipe and falls over and they’re like, “Has this happened to you?”
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
“Can’t find the fun once you got the condom on? Try new Sight Lines Condoms from Trojan…”
Jeff:
I bet his family’s really happy that they mentioned his name in the story.
Casey:
They were very specific about who he was…
Jeff:
Yeah, they gave his address…
Casey:
Gary Ashbrook…
Jeff:
Survived by his wife, 4 daughters, Cindy Lou…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Oh, brother. Alright. You wanted to talk about your [ Barney frame ]…
Casey:
Oh, this is like a Mixed Up Metaphor Minute kind of thing…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
But it’s not a mixed up metaphor. You know how I go through quotes in the news. This quote was… I don’t know what you want to call it. I guess maybe dramatic irony.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I don’t know what the word is that describes this but representative Barney Frank has been in the news lately because, of course… I don’t remember what’s his title. He’s like the Chairman of the Finance Committee or something where he’s…
Jeff:
Yeah, appropriations or something…
Casey:
So, since they’ve been having so much…
Jeff:
There is not a…
Casey:
Financial services, house financial services.
Jeff:
And as soon as this guy opens his mouth, I’m like…
Casey:
He does sound ridiculous.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I have no idea how he got elected with that voice but who knows.
Jeff:
“Hey, Casey. We’re going to do some podcasts today…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
You’re like, you can’t make fun of it. It’s so insane.
Casey:
Well, I could make fun of it but yes. We could make fun of it here on the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Did he have a stroke or something or is that just how he rolls.
Casey:
I think that’s just how he rolls. The dude who had the stroke sounds even worse. But of course, we’ve got that, too. Like, having a stroke in no way disqualifies you from serving but he’s in the Senate.
Jeff:
The House of Representatives is just the group… Oh, okay. Really?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
The stroke guy, I’m pretty sure is…
Jeff:
’Cos the House is just flat out jackasses the entire one. The Senate, there’s usually, like…
Casey:
You said that on many podcasts. And I’m sort of inclined to agree with you but not really.
Jeff:
Dude, I’m telling you. You can get… A Senate run…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is a big deal.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
House is nothing.
Casey:
You just have to pick the right district…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is basically what it boils down to.
Jeff:
You just need a little time on your hands, right?
Casey:
Yeah. It’s like, “Oh, here’s the time with no teeth at all, total in the town…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“I’m gonna run there.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So, no. I don’t remember if there’s anything particularly medical-related about Barney Frank. I think that’s just how he talks.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, it’s nice that cartoon characters can be employed.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I don’t want to discriminate based on whether you’re fictional or not.
Casey:
Yeah. That rascally rabbit…
Jeff:
Exactly. Exit stage left.
Casey:
So, anyway, because of the whole Wall Street meltdown and the bailout package and all this stuff, Barney Frank is obviously in the news lately. So you’ve been hearing a lot more of those dulcet tones that perhaps you would have otherwise…
Jeff:
Yes. Calming the market…
Casey:
When financial services in the House was largely relegated to building bridges and museums and libraries in various places, handing out money to various states… But now, it’s actually front and center so this dude actually got to talk.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
What he said… There was this whole thing with the auto bailout most people have probably read about but we have listeners from all over the world. They probably don’t know about some of this but anyway, our big 3 auto manufacturers who are all 3 of them incompetent, Ford the least so, running all the way up to GM which is essentially completely insolvent, has been for some time. Obviously, they’re the only auto manufacturers…
Jeff:
Well, then there’s Chrysler that is…
Casey:
In the middle.
Jeff:
Well, they’re kind of in the middle. They’re also… They sell the least cars, though, at the same time.
Casey:
Right. Well, that’s like…
Jeff:
They’re more profitable since they sell fewer cars.
Casey:
But dude…
Jeff:
So pretty much…
Casey:
Selling the least cars out of the three of these guys is kind of like being the skinniest person at fat camp, though. Like, it just doesn’t matter at this point. Like, they’re all totally…
Jeff:
I’m just saying that’s a win. Somewhere out there is a car company that sells no cars at all and is financially really strong.
Casey:
That’s a good point. Yeah. Anyway, point being these 3 auto manufacturers need some help because they don’t actually have any cars that anyone wants to buy and it cost them billions of Dollars to manufacture each individual car due to their excellent union deals and so on. So as a result, they are asking…
Jeff:
Hits a million things…
Casey:
Yeah, there’s everything. They’re asking the government to provide them financing so that they can avoid going bankrupt.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I’m not exactly certain I know why they need to be prevented from going bankrupt. I’ve never heard the actual argument. I heard them say stuff like people won’t buy cars from a bankrupt company but that never stopped anyone before so I’m not sure what that means.
Jeff:
I think the biggest thing is they just don’t want Michigan to turn into Mad Max which is probably what happens about 6 months from now…
Casey:
They know how to build cars…
Jeff:
And that’s it.
Casey:
They’ll all be out of work… They might turn violent.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright, so there you go.
Jeff:
Between now and March, we either need to either bail out the auto manufacturers or legalize weed, because we need to calm them the fuck down before…
Casey:
So one of these 2 strategies will work?
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
One or the other.
Casey:
Anyways… So with all these things happening, they’ve been having lots of CEO’s and other bigwigs testify before Congress. And there’s been all this sort of thing. And of course, one of the big things that the Senate and the House don’t want to be seen as doing is giving out money to these companies whose executives are super rich.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This looks bad, PR-wise, for them, right? So they’ve had all these weird things about demanding that the executives don’t fly there in private jets… It’s just stupid shit. That I don’t even have any idea what it has to do with anything at all.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos these are the same people whose asses these people were kissing moments ago…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
All of a sudden, they want them to drive a hybrid car to the White House or whatever. So Barney Frank issued a statement when he was talking to the press and he says… And he’s chairman of the House [ Financial Services ] committee and a “long-standing critic of executive largesse”. He said, “The bonuses tallied by the AP Review,” (this is the Associated Press), “amount to a bribe to get them to do the job for which they are well-paid in the first place,” right, talking about the CEO’s. So saying that executive compensation and all these stuff and all these bonuses and things, we shouldn’t have these because these executives are already paid well. And obviously, they’ve done a poor job so they shouldn’t have them, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, he goes on to say, “Most of us sign on to do our jobs and we do them the best we can,” said Frank, a Massachusetts Democrat. “We’re told that some of the most highly paid people in executive positions are different. They need extra money to be motivated!” So what I’m wondering is did he stop at any time, saying this and going, “Wait a minute. That’s just like me. Normally, I don’t do a goddamned thing. But then, people send me on these junkets and they take me out to lunch and they give me all these campaign contributions and then I might actually do something that’s in their interest.”
Jeff:
Well, I kinda…
Casey:
“But if I just have to fucking show up and do something based on the people who voted for me, I can’t seem to get that going.” That doesn’t work so well.
Jeff:
I read it kind of in a different way that’s equally bad…
Casey:
Yeah. Which is?
Jeff:
Which is he’s saying that’s why the Senate and the House suck. Nobody good would work here because they’re not bribed enough.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Anyway… Yeah.
Casey:
But they are bribed enough. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I think they’re bribed plenty.
Jeff:
Regardless, he didn’t think through what he was saying.
Casey:
No, he did not.
Jeff:
They’re gonna go bankrupt anyway.
Casey:
Are they? Just a matter of fact?
Jeff:
Well, no. You just figure, like, “Hey, maybe this buys them 9 months but, like…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know… They lost… Like, Toyota and GM both sold 37 billion Dollars worth of cars last year.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Exactly the same, okay. GM lost 17 million Toyota made 12. So, you’re kind of like, they’re getting 9 billion GM… It’s not gonna help. That’s like a drop in the bucket. They could lose that by January. That’s no problem. We have no trouble with it.
Casey:
Well, that was the thing, too, when they originally testified before Congress. One of the reasons they did not get a bailout package at that time was because they didn’t actually apparently have any accounting. They were just like, “We need 9 billion Dollars,” or something. And they’re like, “What do you need it for?” And they’re like, “That’s a really good question. I’m not entirely sure but I’m pretty sure it’s 9 billion Dollars.” Now, the interesting thing is that Congress got mad at them for that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They didn’t get mad at the Federal Reserve or the Secretary of Treasury when they said, “We need 700 million Dollars,” and they said, “What do you need it for?” And they said, “We have no idea.”
Jeff:
It’s like a teacher and you’re unprepared and you’re like, “I think I can wing it,” you know?
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And then, they start asking you questions and then you’re singing the song, “I’m Doomed”, and you have to give it up.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “’Bridge to Terabithia’ is about some people building a bridge in war time. They need to make it so that the soldiers can cross…”
Jeff:
“The Terabithia people were proud people…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “Native Americans…”
Jeff:
“That liked to cross and build fantastic bridges. This book of 390 pages…”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
F-
Jeff:
Sometimes, you can get away with it. One time, in History class, we were writing a book review. My friend made up the book.
Casey:
Oh, the book did not exist?
Jeff:
And made a book review.
Casey:
That’s the way to go because then, the teacher can’t possibly be familiar with it.
Jeff:
Then, to take it another level, I took his book review and then, wrote a book review based on the information that was in his book review the next week. And I got an A- and he got a B+.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
And that’s when it turned bad.
Casey:
Did you guys ever spill?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay. So you just rode on that?
Jeff:
Here’s how bad it was. The main character in the book that we reviewed was Remington Steele. He still didn’t catch on. Nobody pays any attention. If you’re reading 30 high school kids’ book reviews, are you really…
Casey:
Yeah. You don’t give a shit.
Jeff:
It’s a skim, best case.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This wasn’t like… This was when Remington Steele was on TV, too, by the way. This wasn’t like, “Oh, maybe he doesn’t know who [inaudible 33:03] are.” This was on TV at the time.
Casey:
Now, what did Remington Steele do in this history book?
Jeff:
He was a spy. Of course, he was. I should try to find that.
Casey:
Awesome. Yeah, that does sound like a pretty good book review.
Jeff:
So, we finally have had all our snow melted today, for the first time in about a weeks.
Casey:
That’s not entirely true.
Jeff:
Well, the slush is gone.
Casey:
On 17th Avenue, there’s still slush.
Jeff:
Really? They still have something?
Casey:
That’s correct.
Jeff:
In Kirkland, it’s pretty much gone. We hit about 49 degrees today and it all melted. And this has been 2 weeks of just absurdities going on.
Casey:
Yes. Well, Seattle was snowed in. I’m sure everyone heard about it on the news because it was made worldwide shocking footage of people canoeing down the streets and buses getting jackknifed over freeways and all these kinds of fabulous stuff.
Jeff:
So, I want to talk about some things…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because I had a lot of frustration, driving. I’m from Utah where we have lots of snow.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You’re from Massachusetts. You have lots of snow.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We are transplanted here…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
As a lot of people are in Seattle…
Casey:
That’s correct.
Jeff:
A lot of people moved here.
Casey:
But a lot of them are from California and shit.
Jeff:
And they all have lost their fucking minds because I don’t know what’s going on here but in the middle of the snow storm… Okay, first off, I have more insurance than you, pretty much in general. Not “than you”, specifically…
Casey:
Yeah, the general “you”.
Jeff:
But “you”, anybody out there driving around, okay? So, I can hit you if you’re an asshole. That’s what it means, okay? So let me tell you… I’m gonna give you some tips for driving in the snow, okay?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And if you don’t follow these tips, I can hit you.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Number 1…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
If there are…
Casey:
I can see this podcast getting subpoena’d, like, not long from now.
Jeff:
Yeah, possibly, because I was ready.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There were a couple times, I was [ really going… ]
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
If there are 2 trails in the snow…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And there is street, snow chunk, street, snow chunk…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where would a person drive if they wanted to not get stuck?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Hint — The part that’s the road.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay? The number of people I followed that were not straddling the thing but driving right down through the middle and their car’s getting jerked violently left and right… Stay on the street! They make it worse because then, they push the shit over into the street thing.
Casey:
Well, you know how, like, they have Chupacabra and stuff like this, like, the crazy demons and all that shit or whatever in Mexico or some crap like this or God knows where the fuck, Brazil. I have no idea… Somewhere south of here, right, they have these crazy… Quetzalcoatl, I don’t fucking know.
Jeff:
Chupacabra or something, alright.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Anyway, point being in Seattle (from the people that I’ve talked to, anyway), black ice is that thing.
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
They think that black ice is this magical thing that could occur at any moment, anywhere, and instant death.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, if you drove over black ice, you’re just gonna die. Your car’s gonna start spinning around…
Jeff:
No, it’ll explode.
Casey:
360 degrees and it explodes.
Jeff:
It’s like acid…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And it just explodes.
Casey:
So I’m guessing… In my mind, I think that these people were probably like, “Oh, my God. Stay away from anything that’s dark because it might be black ice.”
Jeff:
That, I’ve heard so much about.
Casey:
Right? Like, it might be black ice. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. If I’m on the snow, my car’s just gonna slip a little bit.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I understand that, right. But this black ice shit…
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
I have no idea. Anything could happen.
Jeff:
Anything could happen.
Casey:
It could be a disaster.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’m thinking that’s why they’re avoiding those pavement patches that might otherwise actually allow them to drive.
Jeff:
I see. Okay. For pedestrians, a couple tips…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Don’t jog or walk on the road just because the sidewalk’s a little crumbly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If you do and I’m driving along, I can hit you. That’s allowed, okay? Here’s the thing, it’s already… You know, in Seattle here, one of the big things is they decided that the way they were gonna deal with the snow was rather than clear it, they were going to pack it down.
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Because compressing it will somehow make it more traction-building.
Casey:
Right. Well, there’s no difference at the end of the day between hard-packed snow and asphalt.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Chemically, they’re very similar.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
They have all the same properties.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
You know, there’s lots of racetracks in the world that are made of hard-packed snow.
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
So that was their point.
Casey:
The Snow-600 is one of my favorite oval tracks, really. It’s really good. Unfortunately…
Jeff:
Everyone starts [ wrecks on turn one ].
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. 599 of those laps are rarely completed.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Except for the pace car.
Jeff:
The winner’s the guy in last place because he was the last one to crash.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Anyway, yeah.. Don’t… Or, hey, you don’t want to get your shoes dirty and you’re willing to trade your life for it. Maybe if I’m coming, you could get on the sidewalk just for a second and let the car pass because we’re on the packed snow and having some idea that if I hit the brakes, the anti-lock brakes are gonna kick in. But you slide a little…
Casey:
Eventually…
Jeff:
Yes, you slide a little… Other thing, when the light goes green, people just go. The hardest packed snow is at the intersection, people. That’s where people always slide. I’ve slid into a couple crosswalks these last couple weeks and the people are just walking. I’m like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” So I almost hit them but I’m okay if I do because I will hit you if you do that.
Casey:
I was gonna say you slide in the crosswalks normally. So I don’t see that being a difference in snow driving for Jeff Roberts.
Jeff:
Okay. If you drive a Hummer H1 and get stuck…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
You lose your Hummer.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay? I don’t hit you. You just hand in your key, right?
Casey:
Where does it go? Who does the Hummer go to?
Jeff:
I think it’s just crushed down, right? It’s going to the troops.
Casey:
That’s true because the H1 is more armored than anything they have in Iraq probably, right?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
That’s what I figured.
Jeff:
Yeah. I saw an H1 off the road in a ditch.
Casey:
Wow. How do you do that?
Jeff:
I have no idea. I was driving by in the Prius and I’m like, “This is some kind of joke…”
Casey:
It’s awesome you drove by in the Prius.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Hello, Mr. Hummer.
Jeff:
The other thing I’ll say is if you have rear wheel drive and you go out on packed snow and get stuck, you’re on your own. Nobody should push you. You’re just fucked. You’re an idiot.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
If you’re a fat guy and you’re driving and you get stuck in front wheel drive, if you’re fatter than me, you’re pushing, not me.
Casey:
Everyone’s fatter than you.
Jeff:
No. I saw a dude the other day, he was being pushed by the guys behind him because he tried to go right up on the 85th, which is slippery when dry. You just notice, you just hit the gas there and you’ll slide a little bit.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because there’s, like, oil and stuff.
Casey:
It’s not good.
Jeff:
He’s stuck there.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The guy probably weighed 350 pounds. You’d think that would’ve been enough weight to push the car down.
Casey:
Yeah, the normal force should increase…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
The friction coefficient at that point.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Well, not the coefficient but the friction force should be considerably higher.
Jeff:
So, he was in his car while there’s a whole bunch of skinny dudes pushing it. And I was like, “This is not fair. He should get out and push.”
Casey:
No. You just explained the physics of why the fat guy should be in the car.
Jeff:
No. He should be in the trunk, then, jumping up and down…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay. That’s acceptable, too.
Casey:
That’s an excellent point. He should be in the trunk.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yes. So driving tips from the Jeff & Casey Show. A, Jeff can hit you. B, fat guy goes in the trunk. Have I summarized it, pretty much?
Jeff:
That’s it.
Casey:
Oh, and if your Hummer gets stuck, you lose your Hummer.
Jeff:
You lose your Hummer.
Casey:
Those are the 3 tips that you’ve pretty much… If I could boil them down…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That’s what you said.
Jeff:
No, it’s been crazy.
Casey:
If you can close the trunk… Oh, that’d be the 4th driving tip. Keep a rope in your car in case you can’t close the trunk on the fat person…
Jeff:
To tie him in?
Casey:
To tie it down.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To tie down a trunk, you know…
Jeff:
Just a little head poking out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Fucking sucks, man.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. They’re feeding him corn dogs and shit, like, “We’ve almost got enough traction. Get a turkey in here. Does anyone have a roast turkey? Bacon’s his favorite.”
Jeff:
That’s awesome. So this dude that got shot at the movie theatre the other day…
Casey:
Yeah, I knew you were…
Jeff:
This has been in the news, yes…
Casey:
Well, I knew you were gonna bring this up because this is something you would do. I’ve seen you physically shove another movie patron for talking during, like, “Star Wars” or something shitty it did not matter if you talked through it.
Jeff:
Yes, it doesn’t matter, no. And actually, there’s a new thing that’s starting to bother me almost as much which is people who text during the movie so it’s all dark and then the text lights up the 3 rows…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But, yeah. I’ve gotten into many a physical…
Casey:
Altercation?
Jeff:
Altercation in movie theatres…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This guy took it to a whole new level.
Casey:
Well, I can see this guy as your new best friend. He looks…
Jeff:
He’s a pre-arrest, I have to say…
Casey:
Pretty much like a pre-arrest, though.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
I have to tell you.
Jeff:
I was hoping when I opened it that he’d be a normal looking dude.
Casey:
He’s not.
Jeff:
He looks like a gangster from Grand Theft Auto.
Casey:
Yes, actually. That’s exactly what he looks like.
Jeff:
He’s a scary dude. What’s the dude in that?
Casey:
What dude?
Jeff:
Dmitri? What’s the main guy?
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
I can’t remember his name.
Casey:
I don’t remember his name, either.
Jeff:
Yuri?
Casey:
I don’t remember his name.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
He’s Russian. His name’s probably Yuri. They’re all named Yuri. It’s fine.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Don’t worry about it.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
His brother’s name is Roman, right?
Jeff:
Is that the one that gets kidnapped or something? I haven’t played it yet.
Casey:
I don’t care. It’s a terrible game. Anyway, continue…
Jeff:
I’m gonna try it on the PC.
Casey:
Go for it. I can only hope that the control scheme on the PC is as wonderful as it was on the console.
Jeff:
Well, you know me and playing first-person shooters. It doesn’t matter. My gangster, again, will spend most of the time…
Casey:
Yes, staring at the ceiling…
Jeff:
Looking at the manholes on Liberty City, right?
Casey:
The manholes on Liberty City. [ Trans Theft Auto 5 ]…
Jeff:
The [ Sky Box ] rendering system will get a workout when I’m at the controls. So…
Casey:
You should have a screenshots page. And it’s just always the sky or the ceiling. That’s all the screenshot. It’s like, “Jeff confronts the mob boss on the East Side,” and it’s some fluorescent lights, right. There’s like, “Midnight chase,” and there’s some stars…
Jeff:
Awesome. Yeah. What’s kind of amazing about this is that on the internet, it’s like…
Casey:
Wait, how do we know this isn’t actually like a realistic depiction of you in a fight? Like, maybe when you get in a fist fight or a gun battle, you’re looking up. Maybe you just immediately look up at the sky. Maybe you’re actually…
Jeff:
It’s not like Stevie Wonder in a fight or something…
Casey:
Exactly. Totally. Maybe that’s what you look like in a fight.
Jeff:
He misses me every time.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. You never saw it coming. Alright, sorry. Let’s get back to the story.
Jeff:
So, yeah. The thing that I thought was funny about it was just that it’s almost split equally with the people that are just like…
Casey:
You haven’t explained the story yet. Do you want me to explain it? You haven’t said anything about the story.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, the story is simply this dude. He’s watching…
Casey:
There’s nothing simple about this story.
Jeff:
Let me explain the story.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Okay. So they’re watching “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
A man and his family…
Casey:
A very violent, aggressive film…
Jeff:
Yes. Get your blood pumping…
Casey:
“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? Yawn-tastic.
Jeff:
Stop it. So he’s watching it.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
There’s a person a few rows down that is a man and his family…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Are talking… So the man does what everybody does in this circumstance which is throw popcorn at the children.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That’s how it started. It starts with the popcorn.
Casey:
It always starts with the popcorn.
Jeff:
Yeah, the popcorn throwing.
Casey:
Yeah. This is what happened in Iraq.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, we should just take their popcorn away and things will settle down immediately.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
So they were talking. And finally, he started having words with them. The guy claims… The victim claims that he stood up to protect his children.
Casey:
Uh-huh. But that’s not what happened…
Jeff:
I don’t think that’s what happened.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so, the man who was offended by this talking just pulled out a gun and shot him in the arm.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And so, then, the kind of interesting thing is he sat back down to watch the second half of the movie.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Just, you know… That’s just something that happens, right, and you have to deal with it.
Casey:
Well, presumably, the guy stopped talking at that point.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, I’m sure…
Casey:
So they could enjoy the film.
Jeff:
And started screaming…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” But no. The interesting thing was…
Casey:
Guy shot him in the mouth.
Jeff:
Exactly. The thing that I thought was amazing was that on the internet, there’s a pretty good split between people who are like, “Dude, he’s my hero…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And, “No, he’s just a complete sociopath.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But it does not seem to be along what you would normally think would be the Red State/Blue State kind of line. I know many…
Casey:
Well, it’s probably the opposite, right?
Jeff:
Maybe. But you’d think the Blue Staters are like, “Hey, gone control except in movie theaters…”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Which means, like, you get issued a gun or taser, probably, preferably…
Casey:
On entry…
Jeff:
On entry. Right.
Casey:
Yeah. That’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking, the more liberal you are, the more okay you are with guns in movie theatres and the less okay you are with guns elsewhere, right? That’s what it sounds like to me.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So like, “I’ll take some junior mints and the .38 Special.”
Jeff:
$10,000…
Casey:
“Would you like ammo with that?” Yeah, exactly. No, the guns are cheap. The ammo’s expensive.
Jeff:
I see. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And the candy is really expensive.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe…
Casey:
It’s Half Price Dillinger Day at the Cinerama.
Jeff:
Maybe a candy…
Casey:
“Now, I just want… Sorry, I hate to hold up the line here but if I’m in a balcony seats, am I gonna be able to get someone down at the lower level with this?” “Oh, no. Could I recommend this sniper rifle for you, sir?”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. If you’re up high.
Casey:
They’d probably be the up-sell. You know what, I did that totally wrong.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
It’s probably like, “I’ll take the .38 Special,” and the dude’s like, “For only $5 more, we have this lovely sniper scope which will allow you to take care of anyone on the lower floors…”
Jeff:
No, no, no. The small popcorn version of the gun would be, like, .45 Magnum.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
The medium is gonna be like some 12-gauge shotgun.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, the large is a bazooka.
Casey:
Right. It blows up the whole theater.
Jeff:
And then, the small is gonna be like “Dirty Harry”.
Casey:
And you get free ammo refills with that one, the bazooka. If you actually manage to fire all of the [ ordinants ] that they give you with that one, then you get free… You can come back out to the lobby… You’re like, “I’m out. I’m fresh out.”
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
And the back wall is still standing.
Jeff:
Everyone’s just hiding behind seats.
Casey:
It’s “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. How important could it have been to shoot the guy for talking? Talk about principles.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. I wonder what the founding fathers would have said about this. I have no idea. Like, the right to bear arms with respect to this particular incident…
Jeff:
The right to enjoy Brad Pitt?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Without being interrupted.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
It’s like, I don’t know, 27th or something like that amendment. I can’t…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s hard to keep track of which one.
Casey:
It is hard to keep track of them all. Are you in favor of this?
Jeff:
Yes. At the movie theater, such thoughts have gone through my head.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Right. And so, it’s good that I don’t carry a concealed weapon.
Casey:
Yes, it is very good that that doesn’t happen.
Jeff:
But it’s also more like I would want to do it stealthily so that I could get away with it, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
There’s no sense. I mean…
Casey:
So you want a silenced weapon to the back of the head…
Jeff:
He didn’t get to see the end of the movie.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That’s what you need to fix.
Casey:
Got you.
Jeff:
What you need to do is suck it up, make it through the movie, and then follow him home and take care of him then.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s what you should do. That’s the real problem.
Casey:
This is what I’m saying. Silenced to the back of the head. He just slumps over in his chair. No one knows he’s dead ‘til he doesn’t get up at the end of the picture. That’s what it seems like is the right maneuver, right?
Jeff:
What I was thinking is that all of the seats should have controls on the armrests…
Casey:
That can just drop the seat out or what?
Jeff:
No, that they’re electrified. All the seats are electrified in the theatre, okay. You all have control…
Casey:
Voting authority over who gets the…
Jeff:
And once 5 people have keyed in that seat number, they get shocked, right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It would be awesome.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
You know, this is gonna be a reasonable experiment. You know how the gun dudes are always like, “Look, if you have a gun, the criminals are gonna be afraid to enter my house and that’s enough of a deterrent, right?”
Casey:
Alright, you think people are gonna stop talking now?
Jeff:
No. Because that’s not how deterrents work, right?
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
What’s gonna happen is that the talkers are gonna start carrying their own guns, right? So it’s just gonna get worse. And then, when they’re carrying guns, they’re gonna be even more brazen about it, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So pretty soon, you’re just wearing full-on bulletproof vest if you just want to go see “Wall-E” or something. You’re just like, “Oh, you know what, I really want to see that movie…”
Casey:
“I’m not sure if it’s worth risking my life for.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Exactly. “I think I’ll Bittorrent it. It’s way safer.”
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Well, that’s what the movie theatre dudes are always talking about, the movie-going…
Casey:
Experience.
Jeff:
The communal movie-going experience.
Casey:
Yeah. It adds something.
Jeff:
That’s not really what they had in mind. It’s also awesome that it wasn’t in…
Casey:
It’ll keep you on the edge of your holster.
Jeff:
Right. It’s awesome that it wasn’t in, like, a Will Smith or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
Casey:
Right. That’s what I would’ve expected. But “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Was not…
Jeff:
Maybe he’s a “Fight Club” fan and he just went to it and didn’t know what he was in for and he was angry because there’s no fighting in this at all.
Casey:
What do you think the next movie will be that someone shoot someone? “Steel Magnolias”, the re-release.
Jeff:
“Twilight 2”.
Casey:
“Twilight 2”. You know what, what is the deal with… Have you ever seen this where you’re like, you’re gonna go watch a movie. And then, they show some fucking charity ad before the movie. And some dudes come around with the little…
Jeff:
Yeah, usually the Will Rogers…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t know who Will Rogers and I have no idea what his charity does but I fucking cannot stand that dude.
Jeff:
Will Rogers…
Casey:
That is the most annoying thing that I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
Jeff:
And his words can suck your dick is what you’re saying.
Casey:
I don’t know who he is or if he has a horse but that’s fucking ridiculous and offensive at some level. Like, I’m gonna make a charitable contribution decision when I’m sitting in here, trying to watch a fucking film. I already decided to spend $10 on a completely frivolous pursuit. Now is not the time to hit me up for social thinking. I’m already not in that mindset. Get your fucking cardboard collection container out of my face. This isn’t church.
Jeff:
Just throw some licorice in there because, like, 3 strands will be $10. You’re like, “Dude, you can resell this the next show and make a fortune.”
Casey:
Exactly. “Don’t spend it all in one place, alright? There you go.”
Jeff:
“Oops, I only meant to give you 2.” You take one back out of the box…
Casey:
The next time… Okay. So I’m gonna be a movie talker the next time there’s a charity drive.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Just for the charity drive.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’m gonna yell out Will Rogers sucks in the middle of the charity movie.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
That is the worst thing ever. I hate that. I never heard of that institute. Have you even heard of them outside of a movie theater? I bet they don’t fucking exist.
Jeff:
Well, no. He was an actor so that’s why you see him in movie things.
Casey:
Couldn’t have been very good because I’d never heard of him.
Jeff:
He’s Western. You’re not a Western… You’re shaking your head.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Was he a radio guy?
Guest:
[inaudible 53:20]
Jeff:
But he did “On Your Painted Horse” or something, right? Maybe I’m thinking of the songs he sang…
Casey:
The Jeff & Casey Show accuracy meter is pegged, as always, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Guest:
He wasn’t known for that. He was known as a humorist.
Jeff:
He was a humorist? Okay.
Casey:
He was a humorist? Well, it’s not fucking funny, this stupid charity think, alright.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
It sucks.
Jeff:
Speaking of theaters, we went and saw “The Adding Machine” about 2 weeks ago.
Casey:
We did see “The Adding Machine”.
Jeff:
And we saw it because I saw a bunch of reviews saying this is the best play in Seattle in years.
Casey:
Now, just so the people at home know, when Jeff says he saw a bunch of reviews, what that means is he read it in Slog and then checked the Seattle Times. That’s what he means by a lot of reviews.
Jeff:
No… I saw it… Yeah, that’s about right.
Casey:
Yep. Did I get it right? Did I get it right?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s about right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I think I saw it…
Casey:
What he doesn’t know is the Seattle Times has never given a negative review to a play ever in their entire history and Slog is completely fucking random. Completely random.
Jeff:
Well, here’s the thing. I don’t understand how someone can go to this play and get anything positive out of it, right?
Casey:
Have you ever met any of the people who report for The Stranger?
Jeff:
Dude, I don’t…
Casey:
I guarantee you they don’t have the same taste as you, Jeff. Let’s just put it that way.
Jeff:
The only thing I would say that was good about this…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And what’s amazing is you said the exact same thing…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I was enjoying myself…
Casey:
Me, too.
Jeff:
And the badness…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Knowing that you were having to take it.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And you were doing the same thing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We both were hating it but enjoying ourselves, thinking that the other person was hating it worse.
Casey:
But I was totally…
Jeff:
That means we’re both sociopaths.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, that’s true.
Jeff:
We’re both, like…
Casey:
I’m well aware of that.
Jeff:
We’re both terrible people.
Casey:
But the thing is that I was fairly certain there was no way you couldn’t be hurting worse than me because I have to see that kind of shit all the time, right?
Jeff:
You’re used to it.
Casey:
I get fucking season tickets, man. I’m taking it in the face, more often than not, okay? This is like you thought we were gonna go to a… You never go to a play and you were like, “Oh, I heard this play’s gonna be awesome.” I’m like, “No, it’s not gonna be.” Right? I’m thinking that in my head. I’m like, “Alright, it’s at the ACT Theatre. It’s a limited repertory thing that’s there.” I’m like, “This [ is gonna be dicey. ]” As it opened, I was like, “Oh, yeah. This is gonna be sweet.” It was like when you go up on the rollercoaster and it’s click, click, click, click, click, click, click up to the top…
Jeff:
The tension rises.
Casey:
You’re just like, “This is gonna be awesome.”
Jeff:
You’re just like, “Oh, this is gonna be bad.”
Casey:
I’m like… Yeah, because I can tell by the lighting and the set and the way that people were walking around. I’m like… Just the words “avant-garde” came into my head and I’m like, “Jeff is gonna fucking hate this.”
Jeff:
Well, avant-garde that misses is so bad.
Casey:
Which is pretty much, period. But yeah…
Jeff:
Yeah. When they came out to that crazy music and they were stomping their feet and they were working at some office…
Casey:
Yeah, Jazz! Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
That play was terrible, both the writing and performance, pretty much.
Jeff:
Yeah, it was just bad…
Casey:
The actors were good, though, it seems like. Or some of them.
Jeff:
The only thing that saved it was I knew you were suffering. And the only thing that saved it for you… That means we’re complete… We’re just assholes.
Casey:
But it also means that we were misguided assholes because our enjoyment was stemming from something that didn’t actually exist because you were enjoying it.
Jeff:
Yeah, I know.
Casey:
It was like a mutual tie off or something.
Jeff:
It was a Bert & Ernie kind of situation.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Except we’re not gay. I don’t know how many times we have to say that on the podcast. Don’t compare us to Bert & Ernie. Everyone knows the deal with that.
Jeff:
They’re just buddies.
Casey:
They just live together. It’s fine.
Jeff:
They just walk on the beach.
Casey:
Exactly. And get each other pigeon presents or whatever and wear scarves.
Jeff:
Yeah. That just means that we were secretly assholes. The other thing… I just had that same feeling the other day when I realized how big of an asshole I was. And I think I told you about this.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I was driving to work in my new car.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
My car that was more awesome than the old car.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
No, I’m sorry.
Casey:
No, I was gonna say. You got it backwards. You were driving…
Jeff:
I was driving my old car.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which used to be awesome.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But now, I have a more awesome car…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And so, I was driving in the less awesome car.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
There was somebody walking along the road who was checking out the car.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Teenage boy…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That’s how it goes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s checking out the car. Here’s what went through Jeff Roberts asshole mind…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I went, “What a dick. He thinks this car is cool?” That’s what went through my head.
Casey:
Awesome. “My other car’s so much cooler than this car.”
Jeff:
Yeah. I thought that. And then, I was like, “Wow, I’m an asshole.”
Casey:
This person’s a dick for thinking my really expensive but not nearly as expensive as my really, really expensive car is cool.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
The only thing that I feel good about is the fact that it went through my head and then I immediately realized what an asshole I was and then drove very shamefully to work.
Casey:
Okay. All 5 feet of it?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For the 4 cars that you have…
Jeff:
2 blocks…
Casey:
That you drove 3 feet from the condo to the office…
Jeff:
Exactly…
Casey:
You’re like, “Oh, God. I drove shamefully so I’m less of an asshole now.”
Jeff:
That’s how I roll.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my gosh. Well, for those of you who can hear our studio guests today…Casey’s folks are in here listening…
Casey:
That’s right. My parents are here for Christmas.
Jeff:
Right. And Rich had posed a question for the podcast.
Casey:
Yep, my dad.
Jeff:
Yes. And he said…
Casey:
Well, he wanted us to kind of do a new segment, actually.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which is, “Would You or Wouldn’t You” I think is what he sort of entitled it which is where… I’m not sure if it was just Jeff or if it was me and Jeff would be given a situation in which there is an action that probably should be taken but is not necessarily pleasant…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Would you or wouldn’t you do it?
Jeff:
The lesser of 2 evils kind of a situation.
Casey:
So it’s like, “Could you do this…”
Jeff:
Personal dilemmas…
Casey:
Thing X needs to be done. Are you going to… You know, are you going to lift up your skirt, grab your balls and do it or are you gonna chicken out, basically.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s what he [ proposed ].
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And what he proposed as the first one of these was if you drop your cell phone in a toilet, would you reach in and pull it out? Especially because we know that Jeff is sort of romantically involved with his cell phone at this point…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Now, I should point out that my dad sent a link to an [ NPR ] story which is actually about this very incident — dropping a cell phone in the toilet. And it talks about someone having dropped it into an airplane toilet and someone dropping it into a train toilet, just in general…
Jeff:
[ Train ] [inaudible 60:18]
Casey:
Apparently, the train toilet one, they actually had to remove the whole toilet because he got his hand stuck in it, couldn’t get his arm out.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
He was trying that hard to get his cell phone. So anyway, the question is for you Jeff, if we’re gonna try out this segment as a little test run here… If you were to drop your iPhone (which is second only to Angelina Jolie, as far as I know, in terms of things that you like), would you reach in and pull it out?
Jeff:
Look. If I dropped Maddox or Knox or…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
One of the rest of them… Vivienne… I can drop any one…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Of Angelina Jolie’s kids in there and I’d be like, “That’s a damn shame.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And it’s gone.
Casey:
You’re just like, “Ah, they’re adopted anyway. It doesn’t matter. They’ll make more.”
Jeff:
I could drop the keys to my car in… Nope, they’re gone.
Casey:
That’s it?
Jeff:
It’s like, I don’t care if you can see them. There’s lots of situations like what is the difference… If you dropped your keys into a pool of nuclear waste and you could still see them…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The fact that you can see them isn’t that different than knowing that they’re in some plumbing somewhere…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re gone.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
If it passes…
Casey:
The waterline?
Jeff:
No, not the waterline.
Casey:
No?
Jeff:
No. No. Fuck now.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The plane of the toilet seat, right, if you imagine there’s a plane…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If it dips below that… If you lose it and then have to dip on that plane… Okay, you’re fucked, right? No, of course not.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
There’s nothing I would reach in there for.
Casey:
Nothing at all?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Alright. Okay. So as far as you’re concerned, it’s like the end of the last crusade where they’re reaching for the Holy Grail…
Jeff:
Just let it go…
Casey:
And they think they can get it and it’s like, “No. That way lies madness.” You just let the grail go. It’s lost for all eternity, that’s fine. You’re just gonna have to deal with that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And move on.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. So as far as you’re concerned, there is nothing you can think of… Even the last iPhone known to mankind… Like, Steven Jobs has cancer and they can’t make any more, right, or whatever… And you’re still like, “Nope, let it go. Let it go. I’ll get a Blakberry or whatever.”
Jeff:
No. I don’t understand even that it’s a question.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, it’s not a debate…
Casey:
It’s not a “Would You or Wouldn’t You”…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s just a “Wouldn’t You”?
Jeff:
No, it’s like…
Casey:
You would not.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Again, it’s not a debate. No one should have that.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I don’t even like thinking about it. Now, my phone to me is kind of dirty. I’m not gonna put it by my head. This is no… It’s just not the way it should go.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. No.
Casey:
[ iFeces ].
Jeff:
Don’t.
Casey:
Do you know what the number 1 rated iPhone app is, by the way?
Jeff:
Yes, goddamnit…
Casey:
You do, right? iFart.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s a…
Jeff:
$10,000 a day, apparently.
Casey:
Yes, $10,000 a day for an application that just rips a fart when you push the button. Where’s the iJizz. It’s got a shake sensor. How come there isn’t a little penis on there that you just shake and shake and shake and then it goes, right?
Jeff:
I assume that it’s totally…
Casey:
It’s waiting on approval right now?
Jeff:
It will be waiting a long time but yes. No, that’s just depressing. There actually is starting to get to be pretty good games on the iPhone. [ Phil Grenner’s ] is awesome.
Casey:
Alright. Thanks for that paid advertisement. Did you do that because you get a cut of that or something? Where did that come from?
Jeff:
No. They’re supposed to be doing okay. The hard part…
Casey:
Well, now that you’re pimping it out on the world’s number 1 podcast, yeah.
Jeff:
That’s right. Apparently, the hard part is just getting…
Casey:
Tens of people watch this show, Jeff.
Jeff:
That’s right. We’re gonna double them… We can’t even get people to write a review of our show, by the way, people…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
On iTunes…
Casey:
Well, before someone’s gonna write a review, you have to get someone to listen to this show first then write the review.
Jeff:
I know! I know.
Casey:
So, that’s kind of step 1.
Jeff:
I have a plan, though.
Casey:
What’s the plan?
Jeff:
It’s a secret.
Casey:
Are you gonna pay people to listen to this show?
Jeff:
Yeah. I could do that, go to Microsoft…
Casey:
That’s not a bad idea.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s right. That’s the Microsoft crap.
Jeff:
Yeah, just pay people to use their shit.
Casey:
Yeah. Make it up in volume.
Jeff:
No. I do have a plan.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Let’s see. Where are we at?
Casey:
I think we’ve come to the end of our show which means…
Jeff:
What we are going to do, we have…
Casey:
That’s right. We have a new segment.
Jeff:
We have a new thing…
Casey:
We’ve come to the end of the show. It’s time for our new segment.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like this one, too.
Casey:
I was chatting with a friend of mine. This was a few days ago.
Jeff:
You kind of went into Garrison, like, radio mode…
Casey:
Yes. And there’s a reason for that, as you’ll see in a moment. I was chatting with a friend of mine. And I was trying to impress the fact that I grew up in a relatively small rural town. And in this town, there are a number of issues that come up that probably would not make the radar of, say, the city of Seattle like someone’s cow gets loose and is in the road and needs to be retrieved. Right? This is a very common thing. Now this, in and of itself, would not be that remarkable if you did not live there because you wouldn’t get to see the cow stuck in the road and laugh about how ridiculous that was but for the fact that the police, who are notified when anything at all in the town happens that isn’t 100% identical to the previous day, keep a police log. And this police log is published.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Now, when I used to live there and we got the village paper, you could read the police log because it was printed. But since I moved away all these…
Jeff:
You’re missing out.
Casey:
What? 18 years? I don’t know how many years I’ve been gone… 14 years… Now, I can’t get that anymore until 2 months ago. It turns out that someone has now started an RSS feed that has this police log.
Jeff:
Awesome. A plog, if you will.
Casey:
Yes, a plog. So while I was chatting with my friend, I was like, “Oh, my God. Now that the internet has gone everywhere, I should if…” I searched and I found it.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
And we started reading it and it is…
Jeff:
Epic…
Casey:
Pretty fantastic.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So I decided…
Jeff:
Shit goes down in Stow.
Casey:
Shit does go down in Stow. So I decided to take a few of the more… Shall I say spectacular…
Jeff:
Sure…
Casey:
Right? Like, we’re talking OJ Simpson level…
Jeff:
Breathtaking? Exciting?
Casey:
Excitement here that goes out in… This is Stow, Massachusetts; by the way, is the town if anyone’s curious.
Jeff:
And you will be after the…
Casey:
You will be after this…
Jeff:
They’ll be like, “I want to live here.”
Casey:
So mostly, it has to do with people being extremely suspicious. Everyone in this town is extraordinarily suspicious, right? So if anything happens? Like for example, there’s a person walking down the street and you don’t know who they are, they call the police.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Immediately call the police. For example, “5:16 PM — A caller reported a suspicious man without a shirt was in the area of Minister’s Pond. An officer spoke with the man who was fishing.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Good thing they had that checked out. Who knows what could have happened if an unidentified shirtless man was allowed to continue fishing unchecked in Minister’s Pond.
Jeff:
He might steal a shirt.
Casey:
Who knows? Who knows what would have come off next?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Very risqué.
Jeff:
He could start throwing things at people.
Casey:
Suddenly it’s Cyndy’s Pancake House up in here.
Jeff:
Yep
Casey:
“3:02 AM — A caller on North Shore Drive reported a Comcast bucket truck was outside her house. The caller believed the man inside the truck may have tried to get into her house. Police spoke to the man who was doing some work for Comcast.”
Jeff:
Goddamn it. This isn’t just that they’re suspicious. It’s that they’re paranoid, too.
Casey:
They’re fucking psychotic, okay. Some 72-year old lady has no idea what cable is, sees this machine outside that looks like it has an apparatus for getting up to her second storey. Clearly, it is there so that the intruder can break in and raid her underwear drawing for all of the little gold mint coins she’s been saving since 1912. Anyway… Of course, you wouldn’t be saving something from 1912 if you’re only 72 but we’re not known for math here on the podcast. Now, it doesn’t have to be… Sometimes, you get a situation like that where the truck is outside your house. And I think we can all see why it warrants a call to the police, just to make sure that everything is okay. But sometimes, you’re just concerned for the people themselves, right? You’re just concerned for the truck driver. For example, “11:44 AM — A caller reported a large FedEx truck was about to cross the subway road bridge.”
Jeff:
Sure. Yeah.
Casey:
That’s it. End of police report.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re about to cross the bridge.
Jeff:
Can you contact FedEx.
Casey:
Yep. Right now.
Jeff:
Let them put that into their little online system…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
So that they can say on the log when you’re tracking the package, they crossed the Bridge.
Casey:
Right. Exactly. It’s got that little readout of what happens to the package as it goes, right?
Jeff:
“Crossing the bridge…”
Casey:
“Arrives at FedEx… On truck for delivery… Crossed bridge…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Public service. Last police log entry for you here — “9:20 PM…” And the reason I put this one in here is because I don’t want to give my hometown a bad name.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I decided to show that the paranoia and the fact that the entire town apparently gets involved as soon as someone takes off their shirt next to a fishing pond…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It also has its upside.
Jeff:
Okay. Sure.
Casey:
So this is a sweet… You know, end it on a little sort of spiritual sweet note, if you will.
Jeff:
Okay. High note.
Casey:
“9:20 PM — A caller reported finding a baby chipmunk on Warren Road and wasn’t sure what to do with it. A message was left for the animal control officer. An officer picked up the chipmunk and will take care of it until it is old enough to be out on its own.”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Isn’t that sweet? They took care of the little baby chipmunk. Yeah, this is probably the Chief of Police, by the way.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Right? I wouldn’t be surprised.
Jeff:
Probably what it is, is there’ll be some crazy scandal, months from now, where the Chief of Police is taking nut bribes, right?
Casey:
Oh, yeah, totally.
Jeff:
And it’s all going to come out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And this was not an innocent “taking care of” at all.
Casey:
Yeah. It turns out the squirrel and the police have been in cahoots the entire time.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. So there you go.
Jeff:
So it seems like there’s a lot of paranoia. There’s a lot of animals…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Are they mostly older people there? Is that… No? They’re just the people calling?
Casey:
I don’t know that there’s mostly older people but it might be mostly older people calling the police.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But I don’t know that. They don’t say how old the caller was or who they were. The callers are anonymous in the log, perhaps by law. Anonymous. And usually, the people are also anonymous but the locations are not like the Minister Pond or Comcast or whatever. Those are printed but the names of the people are withheld.
Jeff:
No, that is awesome. And that was just one day’s worth or a couple day’s worth?
Casey:
No, that was a few week’s worth.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That was, like, 3 week’s worth or something like that.
Jeff:
That is amazing.
Casey:
There’s usually 1 or 2… I mean, the actual log is way more mundane. “Someone called to report a mysterious vehicle driving down such and such lane. The police didn’t find the vehicle.” 90% of them are like, they didn’t find anything. They had a report of something, they didn’t find anything. That’s most of the log.
Jeff:
Wow. Now, that is definitely coming back.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
That is good action.
Casey:
Stow Police Log Segment, the segment that writes itself.
Jeff:
Exactly. We don’t have to do anything for it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody. We are close out of time, anyway. And I guess what we should say is give us an email at Jeff & Casey at…
Casey:
That would be fabulous…
Jeff:
JeffAndCasey@JeffAndCaseyShow…
Casey:
Stop it. No. It’s Podcast…
Jeff:
MollyRocket.Podcast…
Casey:
Shut up. Shut up. It is Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com or call (toll included) 425-296-3012 and leave a message for Sean Barrett…
Jeff:
And let us know…
Casey:
Who, by the way, is visiting his family and that’s why he’s not here with us on this… If you’re wondering where Sean is…
Jeff:
Real quick…
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
I think I told you this before…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Like, the faces people make when they program where, like, I’m very angry at my computer…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s a battle.
Casey:
Yep, you versus the code.
Jeff:
You are very expectant. You were looking at your computer with your mouth open, kind of like…
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
“Give it to me.”
Casey:
Inquisitive or anticipatory?
Jeff:
Anticipatory.
Casey:
Okay. I didn’t know that. I don’t look in the mirror when I’m programming.
Jeff:
Sean Barrett smiles. He has the biggest smile on his face when he programs.
Casey:
That’s great.
Jeff:
Just sitting there, smiling, typing… I think that’s why he’s a good programmer.
Casey:
Probably.
Jeff:
The computer wants to make him happy.
Casey:
And he is happy about it.
Jeff:
Yes. I have tamed my computer with my anger. He has tamed it with kindness. So there you go…
Casey:
That’s so loving, isn’t it?
Jeff:
That’s right. Alright, everybody. Leave us a message. We’ll be doing Good/No Good soon so get yours in soon.
Casey:
And have a happy New Year.
Jeff:
And have a happy New Year.
Casey:
From the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
In 2009. It’s fine, next podcast, right? Alright, everybody. Take it easy and we will see you next week.
Casey:
See you next week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 46
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