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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Adolph Hitler: Employee of the Month
"Just two guys watchin' some 'Cock!"
Original air date: December 23rd, 2008
Topics. Santa Express to the Zoolights. Tacoma. Giant spiders. Christmas. Mt. Rainier. Battle of Bunker Hill. Coupon pronunciation. The Fighting Retards. Ramps and classrooms. Sex offender ornaments. Good touch/bad touch gingerbread man. Pedophile Santa. Alfred Hitchcock. Strangers on a Train. Vertigo. The Man Who Knew Too Much. The bathtub curve of spoilers. The filled bathtub curve. XBox bathtub curve. Rare. Hitler. Cake decoration. Joseph Lieberman. Toilet paper ads. Wal*mart. State names plus heavy machinery. Massage robot. Robot uprising. Japan. Pants for people with big cocks. Japanese retirement death. Japanese grandmothers. Heavy Metal Minute.
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Transcript
Casey:
“Join Alki Tours on Santa Express to the Zoolights, December 6, 2008. $79 for adults and $54 for children. A magical day awaits as we board the Christmas train bound for Tacoma. With bells ringing and carolers singing, we’re sure to be seeing St. Nick on the train. If your child has been good, the jolly old man has a package awaiting. If not, a lump of coal. The Cascades train will wind along the tracks on its way to Tacoma. Then, Santa and his elves whisk you away to Pt. Defiance Zoo to rendezvous with the reindeer. Delight in the dazzling display of half a million colored lights shimmering in the night. See the huge replica of Mt. Rainier and cross through a myriad of lights into a dreamland of giant spiders!”
Jeff:
Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show, everybody.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the special Christmas edition of the Jeff & Casey Show. That was a dramatic reading of the wonderful, real advertisement for Alki Tours' Santa Express to the Zoolights.
Jeff:
That is amazing in so many ways. First off, the fact that anyone would pay to go to Tacoma.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right. And that’s ridiculous.
Casey:
Well… Okay, it’s roundtrip so that makes some sense because they are getting you out of Tacoma, as well, which is a very important part of that. If it was one way, that’s a huge…
Jeff:
That would be worth way more than $50. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know the underground…
Casey:
If it was just a one-way ticket from Tacoma to Seattle, that’s like a thousand Dollars, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
But if it’s a round-trip ticket, then part of the amortization of the negative $795 or whatever…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Of the ticket is from Seattle to Tacoma.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s like getting paid out on the… Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah, and the prices… Like, the $77 for adults…
Casey:
$79 for adults…
Jeff:
That’s out of control.
Casey:
Well, so here’s the thing…
Jeff:
You can get 3 Tacoma…
Casey:
What price can you put on Christmas memory…
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
Of a bunch of giant fucking spiders, right?
Jeff:
Is that some spider thing and then they put lights on it?
Casey:
Dude, I have no idea. I have never ever seen any kind of a Christmas program or read a Christmas book that was a shit load of giant spiders.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? Like, Jack Frost, Frosty the Snowman, huge set of giant spiders…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It just doesn’t… I have no idea what they were thinking when they went…
Jeff:
That’s true. There’s just no tie in. now, you can do all the Shane Black Christmas movies and still not manage to get giant spiders…
Casey:
I have no idea. But more important… The giant spiders was the obvious ridiculous thing but everything about this is ridiculous. Why do they have a replica of Mt. Rainier? They’re, like, 45 minutes from Mt. Rainier.
Jeff:
You did say Mt. Rainier.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard — A replica of Mt. Rainier in the state where Mt. Rainier is, not far from Mt. Rainier National Park.
Jeff:
You can see it. Right.
Casey:
Right. Yes. You could see it on a non-cloudy day. Now, maybe they’re in some kind of a basin or a valley, like there’s a bunch of skyscrapers so you can’t actually see it so they built a little replica…
Jeff:
Do you go on a boat? Is that what this is?
Casey:
It’s a train.
Jeff:
A train?
Casey:
A train to Tacoma.
Jeff:
Okay. Do you think we can get your parents to do this? Maybe we should do some research.
Casey:
Well, it’s December 6th. So, no. I don’t think you could because December 6th is a long time…
Jeff:
It’s over?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. I thought it was one of those Christmas things that run all month long.
Casey:
Dude, you think there’s more than one shot to go to Tacoma and see giant spiders? It’s a once in a year…
Jeff:
Once in a lifetime…
Casey:
An annual once in a lifetime experience…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
But annual only possibility, yes.
Jeff:
I see. So December 6th, you either see those spiders or not.
Casey:
Another awesome thing about it is the jolly old man will have a package waiting, if not, a lump of coal.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, you paid $79 to go on this trip and get… Like, because your kid was bad, you’re getting him a lump of coal. What the fuck is that?
Jeff:
I don’t think… The lump of coal doesn’t disturb me as much as the holiday package. Yeah, that scares the shit out of me.
Casey:
Oh, the tour includes transportation, a snack pack, lots of entertainment…
Jeff:
I just imagine Santa wearing tear-off holiday pants, like, “I got your holiday package…”
Casey:
Jolly old man?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
So, no. None of that was any good, at all. The spiders was just the top where you’re like, “Stop.”
Casey:
Well, if you’re looking for something to do next Christmas…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Because December 6th has already passed but if you’re looking for something to do next Christmas, it sounds like there is a fun day for the whole family…
Jeff:
We have to remember that…
Casey:
On the Santa Express to the Zoolights.
Jeff:
We actually have…
Casey:
You wanna go ride this next year? You want to actually go on this?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
We’ll tape record it?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Dude, this is gonna be the worst fucking thing ever.
Jeff:
I know. But sometimes, you have to do it for…
Casey:
These things suck.
Jeff:
We already committed to going to a renaissance fair…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That people, like…
Casey:
God, I don’t even wanna know what’s gonna happen, going to a renaissance fair.
Jeff:
Yeah. Another thing on the renaissance fair, we don’t have to dress up, right?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
The renaissance…
Casey:
I don’t have an outfit. Do we rent it? Where do we get this stuff?
Jeff:
If we have to dress up, that ain’t happening.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, I left my handmade chainmail in my other…
Jeff:
If you go to the reenactment, you obviously don’t have to dress up but I was wondering if that was one of the differences between the renaissance fair and the reenactment thing. Like, reenactment, you are watching them, right? You don’t dress up…
Casey:
I don’t know. A friend of mine from back in high school, she went to reenactments to watch but that was part of the reenactment and she had a very elaborate dress and was a particular character who watched that reenactment.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. This is crazy meta-recursive.
Casey:
So I don’t actually know.
Jeff:
That sounds like a Charlie [inaudible 6:01] shit.
Casey:
Remember in the old days, right, battles… There were oftentimes idiots who went to watch the battle.
Jeff:
Really? With popcorn and shit?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just sit down and, like…
Casey:
Well, this is a very famous one. I want to say that, like… So my history’s gonna be a little too weak here but I want to say one famous battle like the Battle of Bunker Hill, for example. They thought it was gonna be [ around ] so all these people went and set up picnic baskets on the sideline and were like, “Oh, we’re gonna watch the battle like we normally do,” and then they just got mowed.
Jeff:
Well, that was the one described in 1776, right? Where it was a…
Casey:
Well, the Battle of Bunker Hill was in 1776 but I don’t remember if this was the picnic one.
Jeff:
Because there was the big switcharoo in there where the Americans snuck up the hill in the middle of the night and got the higher ground before they even knew. Was that the Bunker Hill one?
Casey:
No, I think you’re thinking of the…
Jeff:
Boston?
Casey:
Bombardment of Boston. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s when they also said…
Casey:
I remember what the name of that one is.
Jeff:
There were lots of… Since the populous was split between loyalists and pro-revolutionaries…
Casey:
You know what, let me stop you right there because we are way… Something very bad is going to get said here. I don’t know what it’s gonna be but we’re gonna say some shit that’s so far fucking wrong…
Jeff:
You know what, people just need to get used to that…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
When you do a podcast and you’re just going…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, there’s no time for the truth.
Casey:
Right, fact checking…
Jeff:
Right. It’s not happening.
Casey:
What is that?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. We could be talking about something I know everything about and I will say 2 or 3 things wrong, for sure.
Casey:
Well, that’s true, just in general, not on the podcast. So, yeah. I think that reenactments probably have 2 stages of watching. There’s the watching as a reenacting watcher and watching as a non-reenacting watcher. And I’m guessing that…
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Here’s the risk, right. I’m telling you what the risk is right now. We’re gonna try to go to this thing and I’m imagining that you’re gonna want to talk to as few people as possible at this renaissance fair is my guess.
Jeff:
Bt they’re all gonna come to you because you attract people that like to talk.
Casey:
No, that’s not the problem. What I’m thinking is the real problem or rather the snare, the way that we could get really screwed… If we don’t dress up, it’s like, “Who are you crazy traveler with your mystical, magic garments? I’ve seen nothing like this in all of my many years…” You know what I’m saying? I could easily see this happening. “What is that amazing timepiece on your wrist. It seems to know the place that the sun will be…”
Jeff:
You can bail me out when I punch the dude out. So you will be in charge of bail money.
Casey:
Alright. So you’re just gonna give me a wad of your gambling spoils or something? Like, the hundreds and I’ll just keep that in my pocket. If we get dragged downtown, I can pay off some officers to, like…
Jeff:
I guess. Yes. That’s what’s gonna have to happen.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
Alright. Yeah, so this is our Christmas show. And so far, we’ve talked about…
Casey:
Merry Christmas…
Jeff:
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Casey:
To everyone out there.
Jeff:
We don’t celebrate Christmas. We have no trees. We have no nothing.
Casey:
Well, that’s ‘cos I don’t like Jesus. I’ve never liked Jesus, pretty much.
Jeff:
Maybe we should go get a tree. But that means the commercialization of Christmas should be good for us because, like…
Casey:
Oh, I like that part of it, yeah.
Jeff:
No, so we should be buying all the kids-y little…
Casey:
There’s a problem, though. I also don’t like our economy.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So it’s like I like the fact that the commercialization of Christmas is kind of crapping on Jesus. But I don’t like the fact that the economic-centric, like, the gift-giving-centric Christmas economy model is shitting on our economy.
Jeff:
Well, this is the last one…
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
So we should celebrate.
Casey:
Merry Christmas.
Jeff:
Merry Christmas, VISA Mastercard. You won’t be here next year, certainly in the same form.
Casey:
That’s awesome.
Jeff:
Merry Christmas--
Casey:
Your prediction was that Best Buy will not exist in 2010.
Jeff:
Yes, by next year, I think all of those dudes are out. Sean is walking around the podcast studio…
Casey:
Sean, you’re making me nervous. Why are you making me nervous, Sean?
Jeff:
He’s doing some adjustments. He’s doing some sound engineering.
Casey:
Don’t change horses mid-stream.
Sean:
[ Turn it down in case ] [inaudible 10:03]
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s a clipper.
Casey:
Oh, I clip the shit out of this podcast.
Jeff:
Yep. That’s how we know it’s a good one.
Casey:
I clip it like a coupon.
Jeff:
So we have…
Casey:
Has any rapper ever said they clip the mic like a coupon?
Jeff:
No, you’d be the first one.
Casey:
Then, there you go.
Jeff:
Do you say coo-pon or cue-pon?
Casey:
I was trying to decide. I think I normally say coo-pon but a lot of people say cue-pon and I didn’t want to say something that would make people feel uncomfortable.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Coo/cue-pon.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, what’s our next Christmas-themed story? ‘Cos we have some Christmas tales.
Casey:
Well, apparently some police in North Baltimore, Ohio had a new…
Jeff:
You know, that’s a lovely part of the country.
Casey:
Is it, really? Have you ever been to Ohio?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Go, Buckeyes. Am I right? Is that Buckeyes?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
Casey:
Go, Buckeyes. Alright. So I believe that what happened here was there was a police sergeant or…
Jeff:
Wait, what’s a buckeye?
Casey:
It’s a sports team
Jeff:
I know but what’s a buckeye?
Casey:
I have no idea. A type of wheat maybe? I don’t know.
Jeff:
I’m just thinking I have no idea what that is. It sounds like, you know, someone… You know how we have the Indian names that are now offensive?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I mean, maybe that’s like an old-timey name for, like, retard…
Casey:
Oh, right, right. I see.
Jeff:
And nobody’s put it together. Because I have no idea what that is.
Casey:
Nobody’s put what together? You could name a team “The Fighting Retards” and no one can do anything about it. They don’t have, like, a strong lobby for that shit. It’s like, they just care about ramps and shit like that, right? They’re like, “We want ramps and money so that we can have our own classroom in the public schools.” Like, that’s where they’re at. They’re not like, “Oh, no, don’t use the…” You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
So you boil it down, the specially-challenged agenda, to ramps and classrooms?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Nothing else?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re like… As long as you don’t fuck with the American…
Jeff:
I just want to make that clear…
Casey:
It’s like old people and prescription drugs. It’s like, at some level, right, you can call a team the Fighting Codgers or something and they’re not gonna be “Codger is a derogatory name for an old person,” right? That’s not high on their list.
Jeff:
No, you can run a thing of feeding elderly to the homeless as you didn’t illegalize prescription drugs and mess with Medicare.
Casey:
Right, prescription drugs. It’s like, prescription drugs and social security… That’s where we’re at, right?
Jeff:
Don’t fuck with that. And they’ll be like, “Look, yeah, you can grind some of us up.”
Casey:
Right. So what I’m saying is… And I don’t want to say specifically retarded people. The people…
Jeff:
Because this is a Christmas show…
Casey:
Because retarded people don’t fucking have a lobby, ‘cos what the hell… How would they even communicate, right? So I’m talking about the people who are responsible for the people who are retarded. Those people, I think, don’t care about it as much. They just want the American Disabilities Act to be in place.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I think if we had a higher profile, I think they would be pretty upset is all I’m saying. I think that they are easily upset is what I’m saying.
Casey:
Yeah, well of course they’re easily upset because they have to deal with a retarded person all the time, right? You’d be on edge a lot, too, you know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
I see. They just need to take a Valium and chill the fuck out.
Casey:
They just need to chill out. The retarded person doesn’t give a flying fuck.
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
They’re listening to this podcast going, “Wow, this podcast is even more pathetic…”
Jeff:
“Apples!”
Casey:
“Than I imagined…”
Jeff:
They don’t like the quality of the content is what you’re saying?
Casey:
Yeah. Well, they feel like they would like something a little more intellectual is probably what a retarded person listening to this podcast would think.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I may be, you know, reading too much into it.
Jeff:
This very nasty podcast.
Casey:
Yeah, totally.
Jeff:
Alright. So what’s our Christmas… Our next story?
Casey:
Okay, yes, sorry…
Jeff:
Back to Ohio.
Casey:
Yes. So cut that whole part out so that I don’t get stoned to death but the actual story that you asked me to read… Speaking of that, we were wondering if there were retarded people in Japan, as well.
Jeff:
No, midgets. Midgets.
Casey:
When I went to Japan… No, no, no. This was a separate thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
’Cos an interesting thing about Japan is they have a system there on all of their sidewalks and public buildings where the ground is coded for blind people so that you don’t have to worry about where you’re walking.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You can just follow these bumps and the bumps are in shapes so that you know when there’s a turn or a stairwell coming.
Jeff:
Big opportunity for jokes.
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Dude, you could… Yeah, that’s no good. That’s just mean right there. So they have this whole thing set up. Yet, I never actually saw a blind person…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Ever, walking along it.
Jeff:
Well, I assume they exist.
Casey:
I assume they exist, as well. But again, never saw a homeless person or a retarded person in all of Japan. So I was wondering if they have some kind of special quarantine area where they keep people…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Or I wonder if they’re not friendly for that sort of thing. But they had all this stuff for blind people. So I was like, “They must be accepting of people with disabilities of some kind.”
Jeff:
I see. Where’s the apple cart for them?
Casey:
The apple cart? Oh, the apples thing or whatever?
Jeff:
Yeah, apples…
Casey:
Well, there’s a lot of…
Jeff:
Or pumpkins, you know, we had the pumpkin thing.
Casey:
There’s a lot of fruit providers in Japan so I don’t think that’s a problem.
Jeff:
Alright, so it’s probably fine.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. I think it’s fine. But back to the story. In North Baltimore, Ohio…
Jeff:
I’m trying to think of something to interrupt you with so we can keep digressing.
Casey:
Okay, well you go ahead.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In Baltimore, Ohio; a police station had a Christmas holiday idea, a holiday brainstorm, if you will…
Jeff:
Well, that’s nice.
Casey:
About how to keep the kids safe around the holidays.
Jeff:
Okay, that’s awesome.
Casey:
Alright. What they thought was it’s time to utilize the familiar Christmas tree with its iconographic ornaments.
Jeff:
Because, yeah, they’re beautiful.
Casey:
Yes, they’re beautiful. Kids love to wander up to it and see it and look at the ornaments and so on.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Why not put something informational on the ornaments, right?
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Right. “Don’t cross the street without looking both ways…
Casey:
Now, you’re probably thinking about helpful tips. And that would’ve been possibly a good idea. Instead, we had a bad idea which was to put the faces of sex offenders on to the ornaments of the Christmas tree, right?
Jeff:
Yep, Merry Christmas.
Casey:
Merry Christmas.
Jeff:
Merry Christmas mugshots.
Casey:
So you’re looking at the Christmas tree, right. Here’s a little Christmas tree. Here’s a little Santa and gingerbread man. And then, there’s this really gruesome looking dude who used to touch you at night is now staring down at you, at little Johnny, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s freaking out, right? He loses his shit. The lights are going on. It’s like some kind of an epileptic, fucked up night terror seizure thing happening…
Jeff:
The cameras zooming in and out…
Casey:
With the sex offender staring at him. He passes out, right, like it’s all… That’s where they’re at with this thing.
Jeff:
Yeah, he’s going to therapy every Christmas for the rest of his life.
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
Right. “Santa touched me.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And he’s getting false memories implanted.
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, I don’t even want to know what their fucking policy was here. Like, I’m imagining the worst in my head which is like, “Oh, yeah, we just finished the rape kit. Good news, we caught the guy. Do you want to put his ornament on the tree?” Right? And she goes and hangs it up, like this little Cindy Lou, right, hangs up this Grinch with a giant finger pointing out on the ornament on the tree fucked up thing. Like, that’s what I’ve got in my head as to what happened with this tree.
Jeff:
Well, I just figured… If you figure it, they just follow this to the logical conclusion then every major… Like at the cemetery, their Christmas tree will have murderers on it, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, okay. Sure.
Jeff:
At the women’s battery, there’d be all the pictures of their husbands on the ornaments.
Casey:
What the fuck is a women’s battery?
Jeff:
The shelter…
Casey:
The battered women’s shelter?
Jeff:
Yes. The battery of women…
Casey:
That was awesome. Jeff’s like, “You know that place where they batter women? You know, where we send them when they need a good talking to,” right?
Jeff:
Right, when you need to straighten them out.
Casey:
Yeah. A women’s battery would be possibly something for an upcoming segment of the podcast involving massage technology.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
If you talk about that kind of battery…
Jeff:
Which we have some information about…
Casey:
And also other kinds of battery. But anyway, we’ll deal with that later on in the program.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know how you have an idea that wrong. I mean, everybody makes mistakes but, like…
Casey:
Yeah, this was questionable at best, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, one interesting thing about this is usually there’s church and state separationist people who will complain about their being, like, a Christmas tree or maybe some Jewish folks in the community will complain that there’s a Christmas tree and not something that…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I don’t think they really give a shit about the menorah, like… I mean, it’s not… Hanukah is not their big holiday, anyway. But I mean, just the point is that it’s Christian-centric at the police station…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Are they gonna complain about this? Or are they, like… I don’t even know. I don’t want you to put up any of their religious paraphernalia because you’re gonna fuck it up.
Jeff:
We don’t know what you’re gonna do.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “Oh, we had a menorah with each of the last serial killers as one of the candles, right, and when you burn the wax down, it reveals his little sculpture inside or something. Like, I’m just imagining they’re not complaining at all. They’re like, “Alright, great. Christmas tree… Fine, whatever you want there, let’s just leave it at that and we’ll just back it up from there.”
Jeff:
You want to stop. If somebody is making those kinds of decisions…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And they have tazer guns, it makes you pretty nervous is all I’m saying.
Sean:
Fortunately, the guy that decided to do that isn’t doing Christmas anymore. He’s looking at Easter now.
Jeff:
Yeah. He’s planning on that, right? You know…
Casey:
The little eggs… You know…
Jeff:
You open them and then there’s a predator inside, right?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Or maybe the predator’s just hiding out in the forest. And so, you do the Easter egg hunt. And sometimes, you get a predator.
Jeff:
You know, I think that he’s gonna stay focused on Christmas myself…
Casey:
You do?
Jeff:
Yeah. And he’s gonna spend this next year making toys for the boys and girls like jack in the boxes like… Boom! Predator! Right? Like, pop right out.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
So, yeah. He’s gonna take the whole year to get ready. And whether you’ve been naughty or nice, predator.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Maybe they’ll have good touch/bad touch gingerbread man. It’s like, “If someone touches you where the icing is, tell an adult.”
Jeff:
Right. The predators all get lumps of coal.
Casey:
That’s right. Well, Santa is the biggest fucking predator. I’m imagining that the number of pedophile Santa’s is approaching 1:1.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, if you have kids on your lap all day… Like, my first thought on that is that other kids on my lap all day, that’s the worst fucking job I could possibly have. And they’re kids who want something from you. They’re like, “I want a little train set.” It’s like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just shut up. Get off my lap.” Right? So the person who’s like, “I can’t wait to do this…”
Jeff:
He’s got some issues.
Casey:
Not good, right? I just do not see that being a healthy situation.
Jeff:
“Santa’s not wearing any underpants.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“Let me tell you what Santa wants for Christmas.”
Casey:
“I’ve got a lump of coal for you right here.”
Jeff:
Oh, no. It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
No. It is not the way it should go. I actually have something pseudo-Christmas related.
Jeff:
You want to get it off your chest?
Casey:
I feel like I can get this in on the Christmas podcast.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Even though the actual… I don’t know what you want to call it. The sort of genesis of the whole segment is not actually the Christmas part of it.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But that is Jimmy Stewart sucks.
Jeff:
You’re not liking the Jimmy…
Casey:
And at this time of year, there’s the whole “It’s a Wonderful Life” thing which… I have never watched that movie. I’ve seen little parts of it or whatever. So I’m not prepared to comment on the quality of that.
Jeff:
They also play “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” a lot this time of the year.
Casey:
Do they? Okay. I have no idea about any of that stuff because I haven’t seen him in those roles. But I’m using that as a segue to the fact that lately… So, David Hellman, the guy who did the art for “Braid”, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He and I have been talking about Alfred Hitchcock because he had started watching Alfred Hitchcock films on the Netflix Instant Streaming thing.
Jeff:
Right, which we did, too.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which we did randomly…
Casey:
No, we did because I wanted to start doing that.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
So we’ve been talking about that when we were looking for a movie and I was like, “Oh, let’s watch some Hitchcock,” right? And I’ve got this… I even looked at it on…
Jeff:
“Let’s watch some ‘Cock.”
Casey:
“You know what, you and me got nothing to do right now. Let’s put some ‘Cock on the tube. Let’s turn up the 360 and see what kinda cock is available for streaming.”
Jeff:
“No gay shit but just some ‘Cock.”
Casey:
Yeah. No gay shit.
Jeff:
Just a couple guys sitting around…
Casey:
Just 2 guys watching some ‘Cock. It’s fine. Okay. Anyway… So I looked at the thing. And “Strangers on a Train” was one of the ones that he had recommended. We watched that one, right? And that was a fabulous film. I quite enjoyed that.
Jeff:
I was only okay with it but I enjoyed it.
Casey:
Right. Well, that’s because you were wrong. Anyway… Well, to be fair, it’s like Robert Walker, the guy who plays Bruno in that…
Jeff:
Is the only [ good guy ].
Casey:
Makes the movie.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, if he wasn’t in it, you’re right, it would not be that good of a movie, probably.
Jeff:
The first 10 minutes is a lot of him.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re almost like you’re being dropped right into hot water because you’re like…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“He’s the worst actor I’ve ever seen…”
Casey:
But he’s not. Yeah.
Jeff:
Until you realize that he’s just fucked up.
Casey:
He’s actually the best actor.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s so good.
Jeff:
But without him, I think that… Much like “The Dark Knight”. You lose the Heath Ledger, that’s a shitty movie.
Casey:
Yes, oh, absolutely. Although “The Dark Knight” was way more so because “Strangers on a Train”, if you look at just the movie, the only thing you can say about it is, “Well, I wish it was more interesting.” It’s not a totally incongruous lump of garbage, right? It’s actually a pretty strongly constructed film, just maybe not that great without his performance, right? But it’s not like…
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s just a very short… There’s really only 4 or 5 things that happen in the movie.
Casey:
Right. But I’m just saying, like… So that’s a pretty competently-made movie, overall, whereas “Dark Knight” was just a complete… I mean, this was not a professionally done thing, in my mind. This was amateur hour for a lot of stuff.
Jeff:
You have to understand that us trashing “Dark Knight”… And I love Batman, I have to say.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I love the character in the comics.
Casey:
I also love Christopher Nolan.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So, I was so sad when I watched that.
Jeff:
We are more likely to get in trouble with that, making fun of Batman than making fun of Jesus, by far.
Casey:
No, Jesus and retards is like child’s play. If they made “Dark Knight” for our audience… “The Dark Knight” is… You don’t talk probably talk [inaudible 24:33]
Jeff:
Not even our audience.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Fucking internet.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
They’re just fucking psychos.
Casey:
I’m sorry. I was expecting a really great movie. And I liked the previous one quite a bit more. I thought that was a good movie, “Batman Begins”.
Jeff:
Yeah. I think I liked the second one better but I [ didn’t think either one made a lot of sense. ]
Casey:
“Dark Knight” was like… I couldn’t handle that. Anyway, so “Strangers on a Train”, good film. Anyway, watched some ‘Cock with you.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But again, since David and I were talking ‘Cock exclusively, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’ve been talking ‘Cock…
Jeff:
For a long time.
Casey:
Before you and I started in on the ‘Cock.
Jeff:
Watching the ‘Cock.
Casey:
That’s right. Before we were watching ‘Cock, David and I were talking about him having watched ’Cock and me getting excited about possibly watching ’Cock that he recommended to me. So we were talking about ’Cock. And so, I have been lately, at night, watching more ’Cock.
Jeff:
Okay.
Sean:
Alone.
Casey:
Alone, just by myself. ‘Cos I was like, “Hey, I can watch ’Cock by myself. That’s still fine.”
Jeff:
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Casey:
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So anyway, I watched more ‘Cock. Unfortunately, all of the ’Cock is Jimmy Stewart ’Cock, basically.
Jeff:
There’s a lot of ‘Cock in it.
Casey:
’Cos they worked together a lot, right? And so, I watched “Vertigo”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I watched…
Jeff:
“Vertigo”, I did not like.
Casey:
Okay. Well, that’s a separate issue to what I’m bringing up. We could do the Alfred Hitchcock Review Hour, as well, at some point. But I’m not necessarily going in that territory. I watched “Vertigo”. I watched “The Man Who Knew Too Much”, both of which were Jimmy Stewart pictures.
Jeff:
I have not seen that one. Did you see “Rear Window”?
Casey:
I had seen “Rear Window” before. That was actually… I think that and “The Rope”, both of which I believe had Jimmy Stewart…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Were the only 2 ‘Cock’s that I’d seen previous to this sort of new run…
Jeff:
Of ‘Cock.
Casey:
Of ‘Cock.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anyway, and what I realized when I was watching these, and I kinda knew this before, was that Jimmy Stewart is probably the worst actor I’ve ever seen. He’s way worse than Kevin Costner, who was previously like a movie ruiner for me for the most part. You know, I was like, “Wow, please, just stop talking.” Right? But he’s just… Jimmy Stewart is such a new level of bad.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
Even if a scene was good, it’s bad with him in it. I can’t watch it.
Jeff:
He doesn’t repel me. I know that he doesn’t act, he simply does his “wuwuwu” thing…
Casey:
Totally.
Jeff:
But I liked “Rear Window” because he didn’t do a lot of that. He was playing a more decisive guy.
Casey:
Him being fast and decisive is like most people’s vacillation. You know what I mean?
Jeff:
Some people just like that kind of… Like that about him. But he does play only himself like Kevin Costner.
Casey:
Yeah. I mean, I don’t really understand how we got into this situation where, like, Alfred Hitchcock wants to work with someone who can’t act. He’s such a picky motherfucker, Alfred Hitchcock is.
Jeff:
Yeah, maybe. It’s just he’s also looking probably for “every man” type of characters and that’s what he brings to the table. There are good Kevin Costner movies when he just plays Kevin Costner.
Casey:
I guess. I mean, he really just totally… I mean, wow. I don’t know what to say but it’s brutal.
Jeff:
I can’t remember… There’s a movie where he’s really mis-cast but it’s this noir movie…
Casey:
All of them.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Anyway, the thing is there’s another thing which is specific to “Vertigo” and I don’t know if this happens with other films, as well, but specific to “Vertigo”. There are some scenes calling for passion in “Vertigo”.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Jimmy Stewart…
Jeff:
Oh, he’s a passionate guy.
Casey:
He kisses like a sponge painting a wall, okay. I have no idea what was going on there.
Jeff:
You know, they’re all like that in the face.
Casey:
Holy shit.
Jeff:
Do you remember in “Strangers on a Train” when what’s-his-name kissed the girl and they, like… The music in Hitchcock movies is hard to take because it’s like…
Casey:
Right. The old time scoring is kind of problematic, yeah.
Jeff:
Let me tell you exactly what you’re supposed to be thinking at all times.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
The swells of violins go and they mash their faces together and they’re just…
Casey:
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Back it up. The kiss in “Strangers on a Train”, okay, that’s like a Pablo Picasso gentle brush stroke of intentionality compared to the shit that was going on in “Vertigo” .
Jeff:
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Casey:
He was kissing places on her face that I don’t think most people touch on their own face more than once a year. He was, like, probing crevices that probably had a severe wax build-up with his lips.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
What the fuck was going on there? In a passionate moment, he’s sucking on her left-most eyelash or something. You’re like, “What? You missed her face. You practically kissed past her face,” okay?
Jeff:
Well he’s very tall.
Casey:
She’s over there. Hint, Jimmy Stewart, the actress is stage left. Where are you kissing? Right?
Jeff:
Stage left.
Casey:
He could’ve fallen over. That’s how far over he was kissing compared to where she actually was.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
If you were the woman in that scene, I’d be fucking cracking up. How did she keep a straight face? You’re like, “Oh, my God. If I ever got kissed like this…”
Jeff:
“Vertigo”… Yeah, the whole double girl thing in “Vertigo” made less sense to me than the whole…
Casey:
Okay. Thank you for the… Do you have to spoil everything we talk about on the podcast?
Jeff:
What are you talking about? How can you spoil a movie that came out 1955? Like…
Casey:
How many people do you think have seen “Vertigo”? It’s not exactly a recent release.
Jeff:
There should be a statute of limitations for spoiling. And that happens, like, 80’s back, right?
Sean:
Casey’s point is that it’s not a new movie anymore.
Jeff:
You know what, Luke is Darth Vader’s son, alright?
Casey:
My point is that it’s [inaudible 30:14] right?
Sean:
Once the people who saw it when it was in the theaters are dead…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Sean:
Now, the only people who are going to see it are just trickling in randomly.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Yeah. See, the problem is you can’t spoiler it. Then, 6 months after it, you just start spoiler-ing it. Then 5 years after that, you can’t spoiler it anymore. Right? There’s a trough shape there.
Jeff:
And then I could spoil it again?
Casey:
What’s it called? It’s called something in electronics. The Bathtub Curve. You know when you’re designing for failure, the failures happen right at the beginning or after some amount of time. And in the middle, there’s a trough.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s a Bathtub Curve of spoilerage.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you are violating that curve right now.
Jeff:
Do you know the Xbox Bathtub Curve has no bathtub at all. It’s like a straight line.
Casey:
The Xbox Bathtub Curve is filled. It’s a filled bathtub.
Jeff:
Right. It’s a straight line…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
The bathtub is full of water.
Casey:
Right, it’s like Jay Allen left the fucking water on when he left the bathroom and it’s overflowing…
Jeff:
The Bathtub Curve in relation to the Xbox means you want to throw your Box and jump into the water with it after the 6th time. I know somebody that’s had 7 replaced now. Anybody that plays more than an hour a day, it’s just…
Casey:
You know what, I realized what was going on here, actually, and I didn’t say anything about it because, as you know, you and I and me and Atman have the same bet which is that Xbox 360 pulls to even or better with Playstation 3 in this console generation.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is totally gonna happen and you guys fucking owe me so hard. But what I realized is the only…
Jeff:
Wait. You bet that they’d win, right?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
You bet that it was equal?
Casey:
They only have to be… So this was the actual bet.
Jeff:
’Cos I bet equal. Wait a second.
Casey:
This was the bet with Atman.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You don’t know what you between because you 400-pound squirreled it.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Anyway, the bet with Atman was very specific. He was saying that Sony will win the next console generation. What I should’ve bet is that they won’t because if I just had bet that, then it’s already over because we bet, right? What I bet was I was like, “No, I think Microsoft will be able to make it so that Sony didn’t win,” basically. So the bet was… We even discussed, like, “Okay, if Xbox was a million units under Sony, maybe that’s still like “I win” because Sony did not win if they only out-sold them by a million units, right? In this case, Xbox is way ahead and Sony is dropped off the curve so it looks like they’re just fucked. But either way…
Jeff:
I don’t know but yeah.
Casey:
Point being… Yeah, of course you don’t know.
Jeff:
I still don’t agree but yeah…
Casey:
Sure. [ Home’s ] gonna save the day, don’t worry about it.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Virtual presence.
Jeff:
Did you download it yet?
Casey:
That’s gonna be a podcast at some point, probably.
Jeff:
We need to do that. Let’s do that before the next podcast, when your folks are around.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay, we’ll do that. Yeah, that’s right, we can use the folks. We’ll have my mom do it, see how it rolls with the gamers, the…
Jeff:
If she can make her little avatar, it’ll be awesome.
Casey:
Anyway, more importantly… So that bet, right… Wait a minute, what the fuck were you talking about?
Jeff:
You were gonna probably say something about the fact that Xbox is preventing the win because most of the units are resold.
Casey:
Okay, there it is. I’m probably not really winning.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s probably that they haven’t sold many but the people who did buy one had to buy 4 more to keep playing their shit.
Jeff:
The article about this that I just read recently, they interviewed a bunch of guys. And one of them said that exact thing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s like, “Look, all the games are there. The performance is better. So I have to buy another one.” And there were just a whole bunch or great quotes where they’re like, “Yeah, if the Xbox was built as good as the PS3…” Just awesome quotes from Microsoft just sitting there going, “You’ve had a year to fix this problem, and they’re still…
Casey:
Had they not fixed it?
Jeff:
No. The new Xbox has not fixed it. They still fail at apparently about the same rate. So…
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
They just keep rolling them through. You do, when you get it replaced under warranty, you get a refurbished unit. So they throw the bad ones into a big pile. They grab one off the refurbished pile to send it out. And then they just get started on this.
Casey:
I see. So eventually, they might be able to make it so that they’re…
Jeff:
Someday, maybe after replacing 8 or 9 times, you’ll get your old Xbox back.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it’ll still have all your shit on it and your gamer tags.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s ridiculous.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it is because it is a better box to program on. It’s way more fun to do everything with… And they can’t seem to get out of their own way because they would have been… I mean, they took a billion Dollar charge. They’ll have to take another charge. And…
Casey:
Did they get hit with a class-action lawsuit yet? Because I’d imagine they’re going to.
Jeff:
Yes. They’re being sued by some people in California and then another person in Ohio who is the guy that’s complaining about the fact that the Xbox has scratched all his disks, his DVD and all those other stuff.
Casey:
I have heard that, yeah.
Jeff:
And then, they found the email where, before they shipped, one guy was like, “We’re scratching a lot of disks because the Xbox is tilted and all.” So now, they even knew that they had a problem and shipped it anyway.
Casey:
Oh, that’s bad. Yeah.
Jeff:
Which is true [ of the Red Ring of Death ], they also knew about that before they shipped. They were counting on the Bathtub Curve, though, that they fixed the problem and that bathtub just filled up.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
It’s a sad thing.
Casey:
Ladies and gentlemen…
Jeff:
Because they did everything else pretty right, right? They still don’t have a lot of great exclusive stuff but…
Casey:
Yeah, they did some things right and some things wrong. I mean, they definitely had a number of things going for them. But I think they misplaced a lot of case, which was odd, right? Like, $300million [ for Rare ] would’ve gone a long way towards seeding a bunch of interesting developers elsewhere, right?
Jeff:
But they also tend to spend money in that way with developers that did a successful game but they didn’t analyze why the game was successful.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Because you could look at Rare and say, “Hey, the reason ‘Golden Eye’ was awesome is that it was the first console, first person…”
Casey:
Okay, back it up. Now, they don’t need to do that much analysis. All they need to know is the dudes in charge of “Golden Eye” had already left Rare. That would’ve been a 10-second analysis. So if “Golden Eye” was what you were hoping to get out of them, you could’ve just already gone like, “Oh, wait, those guys do time splitters, now.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, like, if you wanted that company, it’s probably cheaper than $300million.
Jeff:
This is true.
Casey:
Although, I think they might be Sony exclusive now or I don’t know.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I don’t remember.
Casey:
I don’t remember/care because I didn’t really give a shit about those games. Anyway, point being Microsoft does a lot of things wrong, for sure, but not nearly as many as Sony this time around. And it looks like that actually ended up playing out in the market to some degree, helped largely by the fact that Playstation had all of its default buy removed by the Wii. So the people who just went in to get a game system or whatever bought the Wii which is what Playstation 2 kind of counted on… It’s like, “It’s the default system we get for games.” So it won that round. But it’s like, “Not anymore.” So now, they actually have to offer a value proposition.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And their value proposition was Blu-ray which turned out no one gave a shit about.
Jeff:
Well, no. The Blue-ray thing was… This was… Everyone was expecting this to be the Christmas of Blue-ray, right? So it was gonna be the one where everything took off. And they just ran right into the fact that retail spending is off 40% this year so far.
Casey:
I think that’s probably a mis-characterization. I bet that this year, while there may have been some Blu-ray-ness, I bet it actually still would’ve been much [inaudible 37:33] option than people were thinking.
Jeff:
Now, like, all Blu-ray stuff is off by about the same percentage that the PS 3 is. The same thing with TV’s. TV sales are way, way down this year. And again, they’re just like, “This was gonna be the year of HD, like everybody converts over,” ‘cos remember, we got the switch coming next year.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s like, this would be the time that you get everybody.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it fell apart right at the wrong time, so…
Casey:
Well, you know, I hate to say “I told you so” but I actually really enjoy saying “I told you so”. And that was totally part of my calculation was I was like, “You know what, the Playstation 3 is the most expensive console this time around. You know that I’ve been betting since 2006 that the economy would hit the shitter. They’re gonna be in trouble if they’re the most expensive console.” Again, totally failed to predict the Wii thing, which is bad. I feel stupid for that because I should’ve seen it coming but…
Jeff:
But then, out of nowhere, they came out with the GameCube ++…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And I’m like, “Wow, this is not gonna…”
Casey:
The duct tape version.
Jeff:
I was not thinking that it was gonna do well. And I… I mean, Wii Sports… If they had come out with that controller and that thing without Wii Sports, I don’t think it would’ve done as well. But with Wii Sports, with that controller, just tied into a lot of American kind of idea of doing something fun with the family. In fact, let’s talk about this.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Adolf Hitler’s little boy, right.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
Let’s skip right to that because the picture of this little boy, which you can read about right now…
Casey:
Do you want me to go ahead and read the article, which is not about the Wii…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re gonna add the Wii bit in later?
Jeff:
The thing about it is they’re a picture of the home. They had a VCR in their house.
Casey:
And a Wii on top of it.
Jeff:
And a Wii on top of it. So the VCR crowd, let’s not… These aren’t people that are like, Blu-ray versus DVD.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
These are people that haven’t even adopted DVD’s, right? They’re playing the Wii.
Casey:
Well, it’s because the Wii is roughly as powerful as the kinds of computers you might buy back when you played VCR’s, right?
Jeff:
That’s probably true.
Casey:
Like, seriously. It’s like Nintendo 64. Anyway, so I’ll go ahead and read this here. This was, I think, sent in more than once.
Jeff:
Yeah. Really, this story is not that interesting a story. It’s just we have to do it.
Casey:
We have to do it.
Jeff:
Because people keep sending this fucking story.
Casey:
We got pounded with links to this story 5 or 6 times, I think. And the story is “3-year old Hitler Can’t Get Name on Cake”.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, this is not 3-year old Hitler meaning Adolf Hitler when he was 3 and we discovered some documentation that shows he tried to get his name on a cake and failed.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This is a new Hitler.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You know what, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the name, Hitler, probably dropped off dramatically as a choice in 1945.
Jeff:
And Adolf might have, as well.
Casey:
Probably.
Jeff:
Yes. But Hitler, in particular.
Casey:
“Family upset at store for denying request and angry internet postings.” It says, “The father of 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell, denied a birthday cake with the child’s full name on it by one New Jersey supermarket, is asking for a little tolerance. Heath Campbell and his wife, Deborah, are upset not only with the decision made by the Greenwich ShopRite, but with an outpouring of angry Internet postings in response to a local newspaper article over the weekend on their flare-up over frosting.”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
“’I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past,’ Heath Campbell said Tuesday in an interview conducted in Easton, on the other side of the Delaware River from where the family lives in Hunterdon County, N.J. ‘There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change,’ the 35-year-old continued. ‘They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what Hitler did.’
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There you go. That’s the statement.
Jeff:
I’m pretty sure that that’s true. That kid is not going to grow up to be like an overachiever is my guess.
Casey:
Right. I’m thinking that with the gene pool that he’s working with, he’s going to grow up to be Adolf Hitler, Employee of the Month. That’s my guess, right.
Jeff:
Wal-Mart Employee of the Month.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anyway, Deborah Campbell, who’s the wife… So what happened was she phoned in her order for the cake. And when she told the bakery department she wanted her son’s name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request. So there you go.
Jeff:
People are always hating on the names.
Casey:
They said, “We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate.”
Jeff:
Well, of course, you know. It’s much like pharmacies shouldn’t be forced to prescribe medicines they don’t agree with.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Deborah is saying, “Look, I don’t want to be denied my choice of what to put on my cake. I am a pro-choice person and…” I can’t tie this in because it’s so absurd.
Casey:
Well, let me help you out here.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So a couple things about this just right off the bat.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
A, he is saying that he feels, as a White Supremacist, that his child, Adolf Hitler Campbell has the full support of the new Black president which may be true.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Barrack Obama seems like a pretty decent guy.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And he may very well be okay with the fact that some people are White Supremacists. However, I just want to point out the fact that he probably isn’t your go-to guy, right? Like, I don’t think that the Black president is gonna go out of his way to help you out with a cake problem…
Jeff:
Probably the only…
Casey:
When your kid’s name is Adolf Hitler. That’s my guess. I’m just going out on a limb here.
Jeff:
The only probably worst person he could turn to in politics is maybe Joe Lieberman, like, probably the worst choice.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But that’s about it.
Casey:
That’s about it. Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
You’re not gonna go more wrong.
Casey:
Yeah, well, Joe Lieberman obviously would have a problem just with the concept that you’re getting a cake because cakes make kids crazy. The sugar, they go nuts and just kill everyone.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, we have just gotten rid of cake altogether in… What the fuck is he? Vermont? New Hampshire? Where is he? Vermont?
Jeff:
I’m sorry. I don’t remember.
Casey:
Connecticut. I don’t know. One of those fucking New England states.
Jeff:
Yes, he is a…
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know. One of those New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont places. You know, even when I lived in New England, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Connecticut; while if I stopped for a second I know which ones they are geographically, mentally all got retired to the same fucking thing. It’s like, whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m a West Coast guy. So to me, them and Maine might as well be one state. I have no idea.
Casey:
Yeah, pretty much.
Jeff:
They’re in the corner.
Casey:
You could just be like Maine is actually…
Jeff:
They’re in the upper right.
Casey:
Big and it’s the uppermost one. So you probably remember Maine. And then, there’s some shit hanging off of Maine, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like Maine didn’t do a good wipe and there’s these big old things hanging off of it.
Jeff:
Maybe they should just declare Maine…
Casey:
That reminds me. You know, I should bring this up. Okay. You sent me a link.
Jeff:
I send you a lot of links.
Casey:
You sent me a link to something and you failed to mention this and I have no idea how. You sent me a link to something on MSNBC. I don’t even remember what it was about.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And I don’t care because it was stupid.
Jeff:
No, it was awesome.
Casey:
But in front of it, they played an ad.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I’m assuming you got the same ad but maybe you didn’t…
Jeff:
They’re all random, probably.
Casey:
Okay, that’s why. The ad I got was an ad for toilet tissue, okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it was a cartoon.
Jeff:
Was this the bears?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
One of the bears has shit stuck to his ass. It’s got all these toilet tissue bits. How did you not mention this? You sent me the link and you were like…
Jeff:
The fucking bears shitting in the woods, I do not…
Casey:
It’s out of control.
Jeff:
Those are on TV, too. I don’t understand. Those are the… They’re not Charmin. They’re… Fuck.
Casey:
My problem with this was… Okay, first, I thought that was ridiculous. I’m like, “You’re not selling toilet tissue with this.” Like, wow, right? And I could see the ad being like, “We need a gentle way to tell people that this toilet tissue won’t stick to your ass.” My problem with it was the value proposition at the end because what I what I wanted to hear at that point is, “Here’s a toilet tissue that’s not gonna stick to your ass.” That’s what I wanted to hear. I’m gonna buy that, right? I don’t want to be the bear with toilet tissue stuck to his ass. That was not the proposition. They said, “Our 3-ply toilet tissue sticks to your ass ‘less’.”
Jeff:
Less. I see.
Casey:
It was like, “No. You’re still gonna have paper stuck to your ass. It’s just less than the other one.” And less is better than more, right, in this case?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which I agree with but I’m surprised that you went out of the way to remind me that there would be toilet tissue stuck to my ass and then didn’t say you were gonna help.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You’re just like, “Well, it’s gonna be not as bad.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
It’s just the way they roll.
Casey:
I don’t see any positive results from this toilet paper. I don’t see there being a big future for this. They need to rethink that campaign.
Jeff:
No, those freak me out completely.
Casey:
It needs to be more like those ads for medicines and shit…
Jeff:
“Warning…”
Casey:
Where it’s just people frolicking around at the shore, you know?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You never have that “not so fresh” feeling happening…
Jeff:
Wait, wait. Wait.
Casey:
Don’t show the ass with stuff stuck to it.
Jeff:
That’s what I was gonna say.
Casey:
You don’t do that.
Jeff:
All the women’s hygiene product ads…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Show the women doing things that could be going wrong.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, they’re bowling…
Casey:
Yeah, sure.
Jeff:
And they’re doing all these things where you’re like, “Goddamn it. If…”
Casey:
The point is they didn’t actually show…
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh…”
Jeff:
I don’t want to see the ads for the toilet paper that would be like that. It would be like the man, he’s at a meeting and he has to bend over and stick his ass in a bunch of people’s faces. And you’re like, “Don’t let embarrassing odors stymie you.”
Casey:
But it’s not about odors. It’s about toilet tissue stuck to your ass.
Jeff:
I’m just saying I don’t want to give that advertising company any more leeway. They have demonstrated that they are…
Casey:
Incompetent.
Jeff:
Right. These are the same people that put the predators on the Christmas tree.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They had an idea and didn’t really think about the ramifications of that idea.
Casey:
I want to see the next ad for this, when they’re doing the non-cartoon thing where they’re trying to appeal to the male demographic or whatever and it’s like…
Jeff:
“Doesn’t give you hemorrhoids.”
Casey:
It’s 2 dudes sitting at the office or whatever and one’s really fidgety and the other one turns to him and he’s like, “You got itchy ass?” He’s like, “Yeah, I do.” And he’s like, “You know what, I had an itchy ass for a long time. But then I switched to,” (whatever the fuck name this toilet paper was), “And now, I sit still all day long.” He’s like, “Really? I gotta try that.” And then it shows one of those things where his face is kind of smiling while he’s… You can see that he’s on the toilet, right, but it’s shot from the chest up, right?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And then later, they’re both sitting still and there’s a 3rd guy who’s kind of fidgeting and they both look at each other and nod. I’m imagining that that’s the next ad we’re gonna get from these people, right?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Where you just, like… They went to school in the 1930’s school of advertising or something and never quite graduated out of that.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s good action.
Casey:
No, it’s not good action. Anyway, back to Adolf Hitler…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So this dude, right, says there’s a new president. And he says, “It’s time for a change. Well, then it’s time for a change. They need to accept a name. A name’s a name.” Wait. Where was this section? Okay, never mind…
Jeff:
So his other kids are, like, Joseph Stalin Campbell and… What else does he have? There is another one with a fucked up name, too, right?
Casey:
I don’t fucking know.
Jeff:
His daughter is, like, White something. His daughter’s got a fucked up name.
Casey:
“The Campbell’s other two children also have unusual names: Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell…”
Jeff:
Hinler? So… Hinler Jeannie?
Casey:
I don’t know…
Jeff:
Is that like Hinler…
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
I don’t know that one.
Casey:
You know, “Rise and Fall of the 3rd Reich” has been on my list for a long time and I still haven’t gotten to it. I do not know all the… Hinler was a dude but I thought it was an M.
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t think Hinler is somebody. You know what, he may have just got it wrong. They spelled it wrong…
Casey:
This guy is grade A so there’s probably… But there might be… Who knows what other dudes there were ‘cos you know, this guy is into Hitler.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He might know all the 2nd/3rd lieutenant dudes and like, “That guy was really awesome.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway, he said, “I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not the past.” He named his kid Adolf Hitler!
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
How is that not focusing on the past? I’m totally confused. This guy is quite the conundrum.
Jeff:
Well, that’s because your head’s in the clouds, Casey.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You don’t understand.
Casey:
I’m off in the clouds.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And yet, they play Wii. I wonder what game they play.
Jeff:
I’m imagining Wii sports and their little Mii has one of those Charlie Chaplin…
Casey:
Oh, totally. He’s got the Hitler mustache?
Jeff:
Yeah. Little Mii version of a guy doing these salutes.
Casey:
Oh, my God. I wonder if there’s a game where you try to herd people into a gas chamber or something that they’re playing with a Wii controller or something like this.
Jeff:
“Left for Dead”.
Casey:
Oh, God. Yes. “We had a great mass grave game going with the family back home.”
Sean:
Auschwitz.
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
Stop it. Sean, you might get unplugged for 20 minutes for that.
Casey:
Auschwitz was good, though. That was good. That was pretty good.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
I don’t know. I mean, I’m guessing that… Yeah, I don’t know. It comes from Japan. It’s made by Japanese people. Is he okay with that because they were allies? I mean, a lot of White supremacists don’t like Asians, either.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is it just like, “Hey, you know, rising sun. Thumbs up,” or what?
Jeff:
I’m thinking that he hasn’t thought through most of these…
Casey:
He’s like, “What do you mean? The Wii’s made by Wal-Mart.”
Jeff:
Yep. “Like everything else in the house.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And Wal-Mart, let’s give them some props. They made the cake. Wal-Mart made the cake. That’s who they turned to in their time of need.
Casey:
Wait. What?
Jeff:
They couldn’t get the cake done…
Casey:
You mean the ShopRite said no but Wal-Mart but Wal-Mart said yes?
Jeff:
Wal-Mart said yes, right.
Casey:
No way. Where did you read that?
Jeff:
That’s the end of the story. Wal-Mart made the cake.
Casey:
I didn’t see that.
Jeff:
Yep. That’s the end of the story. Wal-Mart hooked them up. You didn’t read that part?
Casey:
No. You’re full of shit.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It says, “A Wal-Mart spokesman told The Associated Press on Wednesday that in light of the incident, the company would review its guidelines regarding cake decorations and other requests.”
Jeff:
Because they did it. That’s why they’re going to review because everyone was pissed off at them. They made the cake.
Casey:
Where does it say that?
Jeff:
I don’t know what article you’re reading but they made the cake. Trust me on that one.
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
That’s why Wal-Mart’s reviewing is they did. They wouldn’t review…
Casey:
Oh, my God. “The Campbell’s ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Holy shit, dude. I totally did not read this article carefully enough. I just assumed that no one would make this cake.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
But Wal-Mart was like, “Fuck it. First Amendment, bitch. You can have any cake with anything you want.”
Jeff:
Yep, except if you want nudity or violence…
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you know what, I wonder if they would make a cake that said, “Fun watching ‘Cock with you. Casey,” or whatever. Or I’ll make one for David. I can send David Hellman a cake…
Jeff:
“Thanks for watching ‘Cock with me.”
Casey:
“Thanks for the ‘Cock recommendation.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Casey.”
Jeff:
Yep. Want to try it?
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
Alright. I’m down with that.
Casey:
Yeah. There’s a Wal-Mart up on Aurora.
Jeff:
I think you can type in what you want have said on their online form.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So that would let us get off with a less uncomfortable conversation.
Casey:
You know, that reminds me, the ‘Cock thing. I have a new theory.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
This is a really good one.
Jeff:
Okay. Tell me.
Casey:
It kind of just came to me.
Jeff:
Just now or recently?
Casey:
No, last night, actually.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Dig this. If you take the name of a state and you combine it with the name of the piece of heavy machinery…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It always sounds like a dirty sex act.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right. You’re like, “Oh, I gave her the old Alabama steamroller,” or whatever.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Casey:
Or the Kentucky forklift or whatever. Do you see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Yes. Well, I think that works because of the old-timey Western kind of… You know, there’s a name for every kind of crazy trick…
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
That has… Yeah.
Casey:
But you see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Yeah. But it could work for almost anything, right? It doesn’t necessarily… The problem with the theory…
Casey:
I don’t know. I thought that the theory was kind of tight.
Jeff:
Well, no. Here’s the thing is… The problem with that…
Casey:
Like if a guy wants to give you an Oklahoma backhoe, you’re nervous, right?
Jeff:
No, I’m just saying you could say an Alabama steamroller…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is the name of an hors d’oeuvres or an appetizer. At Friday’s I could totally see the Alabama steamroller…
Casey:
Oh, right. The theory works for more than just sex acts.
Jeff:
That’s what I’m saying.
Casey:
Yes. But my point is that this N2 combination generates things that are humorous for your category.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
If you find something that has weird names, then this will work. That’s a good one, I think.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
The only problem with it is not enough heavy machineries. I’m having trouble…
Jeff:
You’re gonna have to go find some more things?
Casey:
I need a list of heavy machinery ‘cos I don’t always know, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I mean, you’re like, “The Rhode Island pile driver made me nervous…”
Jeff:
There should be…
Casey:
Sean is approaching the microphone.
Sean:
The Florida printing press.
Casey:
Printing press is not heavy machinery.
Sean:
Have you ever seen one?
Casey:
Well, I mean construction equipment, right?
Sean:
You didn’t say construction equipment.
Casey:
Well, heavy machinery… Like, I didn’t know printing press was included in heavy machinery.
Sean:
That’s why I brought it up.
Casey:
Like a loom…
Sean:
That’s why I brought it up.
Jeff:
But heavy machinery, that does give you some more directions to go. And it does mostly work because then you have, like, the Alabama drill press.
Casey:
Oh, that’s a good point. Yeah. You have a point there. Maybe I should…
Jeff:
They Utah router…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, we could just go to Mike Sarten’s garage with all these massive tools.
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And come up with a thousand names.
Casey:
Yep. Alright, anyway, I just wanted to get that theory in there so it would be on the podcast.
Jeff:
Okay. Recorded for when you get your royalties when that becomes the next thing.
Casey:
That is free. That is gratis. You can take that and use that right now.
Jeff:
Creative Commons license.
Casey:
Yes. I’m gonna [ CC by ESA ] or whatever the fuck. What is it called? I don’t know.
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
Anyway, moving on from Hitler…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
We come to the…
Jeff:
We can always segue from Hitler.
Casey:
We have what is sort of a 2-level hierarchy here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We’re gonna move to this week in Japan.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But we’re gonna move to this week in robots inside the “This Week in Japan”.
Jeff:
Well, is there a difference between “This Week in Japan” and “This Week in Robots”?
Casey:
“This Week in Japan” could just be about Japan. There’s no difference between “This Week in Robots” and “This Week in Japanese Robots” might be what you’re trying to say.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
One is always true. The other is possibly true, right? If it’s robots, it’s definitely Japan but if it’s Japan, it might not be robots.
Jeff:
Right. And we can recap with the breast massage robot that we spoke about before.
Casey:
What you mean to say is the prophecy has come true.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
That’s a good point.
Casey:
We on the Jeff & Casey Show…
Jeff:
In Show 2 or 3…
Casey:
Very early on…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Half a year ago at least…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Told you…
Jeff:
When you were Jeff & Casey Show virgins much like Whopper virgins…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
You listened to us describe a massage robot.
Casey:
We described in vivid detail…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The details of a massage robot gone horribly wrong.
Jeff:
Uprising. Right.
Casey:
It turned on its masters.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And ladies and gentlemen…
Jeff:
This has happened.
Casey:
It has come to fruition.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The midnight start has led you to the promise land. And behold, there are massage robots and they are angry.
Jeff:
Yep. They are pissed off.
Casey:
The headline reads, “Japanese Foot Massaging Machine Kills 3 People”.
Jeff:
3 people. Didn’t kill just one.
Casey:
So this is not an isolated accident.
Jeff:
Yes. Right.
Casey:
This is not a foot massage robot gone wrong.
Jeff:
And it’s not 1 foot massage robot gone amuck.
Casey:
No. This is the robot uprising we told you about has happened.
Jeff:
Right. This is multiple robots.
Casey:
And it’s started, like we said, with the massage robots.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We said that if you’re looking for the Terminator, it’s not Sky Net. It’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger’s arm. It’s a fucking penis massage robot or something like that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it turns out that was true.
Jeff:
So all of you listening to Jeff & Casey, people think we are silly and that we're childish and they don't listen to us…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
But really, they should be because…
Casey:
Words of wisdom.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Words of wisdom.
Jeff:
We are preaching the truth.
Casey:
It says here (and I quote), “So, we’re not really sure what’s going on here, but three people have been killed by mis-using a Japanese foot massager. We’ve only got specific details about one death, which happened when a woman removed the protective cloth cover from the machine (called the Shape-up Roller 2) then strangled herself when it got caught on her collar as she tried to use it on her neck. The manufacturer, Matoba Electric, issued a warning against removing the cover or using the device other than as directed, but has not yet recalled the device, which seems to be powerful enough to massage the tension out of a T-Rex’s feet. We’ve got a feeling there won’t be a Shape-up Roller 3 anytime soon.” And there’s a video of the broadcast included in this article.
Jeff:
Well, a couple of things. First off, that robot, if you look at it without the protective cover, it looks like one of those machines that is designed to crush and thresh metal.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s a whole bunch of teeth intersecting…
Casey:
It’s a lot like a shredder, like a commercial shredder.
Jeff:
It’s fucking terrifying. It looks like an unprotected shredder.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So the engineer who said…
Casey:
“This is for feet.”
Jeff:
Yeah, “This is for feet.”
Casey:
That person is fired.
Jeff:
Yes, that person has some answers to give.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Right, here at the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The other thing is why is it the massage robots? Are they becoming disgusted like Agent Smith with the smell of human flesh?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
What is it?
Casey:
What do you mean by it’s always the massage robots?
Jeff:
Well, how come we believe that it is the penis massage.
Casey:
No. Okay. No. I don’t understand what you’re talking about here. We saw the future.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Reported that.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And it happened. There was no, “What is it always the massage robots?” What you want to say is, “How do we know everything?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Why are we clairvoyant?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Or not clairvoyant. Why are we prophetic?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the answer is just because we’re awesome.
Jeff:
We have our finger on the polls.
Casey:
Yes. We are taking in vast amounts of information right now.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Processing it… I am figuring out what’s gonna happen in the future. Jeff is coming up with some really fat squirrel thing which I don’t even know what’s happening there. But eventually, somehow, that comes out to the truth.
Jeff:
Right. Well, what I wonder is…
Casey:
The future truth.
Jeff:
If you think about some of the other things we’ve talked about…
Casey:
Are they going to come true?
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m pretty…
Casey:
Well, I already said one which is that once they actually have a penis pill that does enlarge your penis, everyone’s gonna have a huge penis. There’s gonna be a massive problem.
Jeff:
The tripod.
Casey:
That’s gonna happen. I’m still pretty fucking sure that in 20 years, we’re gonna have this problem.
Jeff:
Yep. Well, what that will mean is fashion will have to change. That’s the thing. Everyone knew…
Casey:
They’ll have a temporary penis extension pill. It just pops out for a little bit and then it goes back in.
Jeff:
Because that’s the thing. Predicting the future is easy if you say that we’re building freeways, right, so cars are gonna be there.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The tricky thing is to go to the 2nd order things. That also means the rising of the gas station, as well, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So if you look at the massage robot taking off and penises getting larger…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Really, you’re trying to look at the 2nd order effects. And those would be things like pants that are very loose in the crotch area or have a tube going down the leg, right?
Casey:
Yes, a 3rd leg binder.
Jeff:
Right, exactly. And the same thing for the massage robots is that what it’ll probably mean is you’ll have other robots that are anti-massage robots to attack the 1st ones.
Casey:
Whoa. You know what I just realized? We’re missing a major commercial opportunity here.
Jeff:
Uh-oh.
Casey:
A major “Emperor’s New Clothes” situation. How come nobody has shipped pants for people with big cocks? ‘Cos everyone would buy those pants whether or not they needed it, right? You don’t want to be the dude wearing the brand of pants that’s obviously not for people with huge cocks, right? “No, I got plenty of room.” You don’t want to say that, right? So you’re gonna go buy the jeans for the well-endowed man.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
How has this market not already been cornered?
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is there will be a bunch of shops across the nation that are “big & long” shops?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I mean, I don’t understand how that hasn’t already happened. I’m actually kind of confused.
Sean:
Well, it did happen a while back. There was the whole codpiece thing way back.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
And then, codpieces kept getting larger.
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah. They sure did.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That’s a very good point. Renaissance Fair time.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Here we come, Renaissance Fair.
Jeff:
So when we go to the costume shop, we’re gonna have to say, “No. I need a bigger codpiece.”
Casey:
I’m just gonna be like, “I don’t care what the rest of the costume is. Give me a huge codpiece.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’ll just go wearing nothing unusual, just a normal outfit but a huge codpiece and be like, “It’s my outfit.”
Jeff:
On the outside of your normal Levi’s?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s my outfit.
Sean:
So now, when they come up to you and say, “Oh, I’ve never seen fashion like that,” you can actually…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“That’s because my unit is huge.”
Casey:
Here’s another thing about that extrapolation that you were doing which is that if you’re assuming that you’re gonna have larger penises and penis massage robots…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Then that means that penis massage robots are going to need an alternative power source or something. Like, they’re gonna have to have a lot more massage power.
Jeff:
That’s what’s gonna happen. The robots will get bigger…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
To match the bigger cocks, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, they’ll get more powerful.
Casey:
Right, ‘cos they have to have more power to massage.
Jeff:
And then, they turn on us.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because then, they just turn those big gears…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Because right now, we can handle these renegade robots.
Casey:
Right, because they’re only so big.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they have to be plugged into a wall.
Jeff:
Right. But when the cocks enlarge, the machines have to enlarge.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And pretty soon, they’re bigger than the refrigerator.
Casey:
The first person who ships a penis massage robot with a battery, that’s when we’re scared because then, they can be mobile.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Who know where they might go? We don’t know where they might go.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And another thing I was thinking is that, taking it again to the next step for predicting the future, now might be a good time to invest in companies that make devices you can use to defend yourself against a rogue massage robot, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like penis armor, right? Or a penis massage robot penetrating rounds for your shotgun or rifle or pistol.
Jeff:
Right. No, that’s a good point. We need to plan all this out. And see, we’re just kind of spit balling all these ideas now but in future episodes of the Jeff & Casey Show, again, we will provide you with the information that you need to protect yourself and your family and your cocks.
Casey:
That’s right, in the case of the penis uprising.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, the penis is already uprising. The penis massage robot uprising.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
So, I don’t want to leave sort of the Japanese front too soon.
Jeff:
The island of Japan?
Casey:
In Japan…
Jeff:
We’re still in Japan?
Casey:
This is a little bit morbid.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Because, you know, 3 getting killed by a foot massage robot was fairly not morbid.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Slightly morbid. Headline reads, “Man Thrown Into Air at Retirement Party Dies After Colleagues Fail to Catch Him”. Now, this guy was 60 years old. He was thrown into the air in celebration. This was in Shiga Prefecture in Japan. And at a farewell party, he died after they failed to catch him and he landed on the floor.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. So they’re probably all that old, right? It’s a whole bunch of 60-year olds throwing up another 60…
Casey:
How did they manage to throw him up in the air in the first place if they were 60, A.
Jeff:
They all threw their backs out.
Casey:
B, how did they manage to get out of the way in time. I mean, I don’t know. I’m imagining people with walkers and canes and shit. I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it was younger folks who were there.
Jeff:
Tossing him up?
Casey:
Threw him up in the air, then realized, “Oh, shit. What do we do now?” Right?
Jeff:
“He’s one fat bastard.”
Casey:
“He’s actually pretty heavy.”
Jeff:
Yeah. And they just scattered?
Casey:
And they just left.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s the worst practical joke ever, you know. You get killed on your retirement day. It’s like those movies where the character says, “I’m 2 days from retirement,” and you just know that guy’s fucked.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That’s what happened here. This Japanese guy came in and said to his younger partner. He’s like, “Oh, man. I only have 1 day ‘til retirement.”
Casey:
Now, true to the stereotype of the Japanese bitter grandmother or old wife, right, which maybe people here aren’t as familiar with, I don’t know.
Jeff:
The [ passive ] grandma thing?
Casey:
Well, just in general, Japanese women sort of have this stereotypical thing of they get older and they get more sort of… I don’t know, probably bitter about the fact that life sucks for women in Japan, I’m guessing.
Jeff:
I see. Yeah. I was gonna say they’ve been shit on their whole life.
Casey:
They’ve been shit on, right, and it comes… The chicken does come home to roost, a lot of the time…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Is I guess what the stereotype would have you believe.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And based on the way that I definitely have been treated by some elderly Japanese ladies when I was trying to do some shopping in Japan, I would say that perhaps, like most stereotypes, it may only be 20 or 30% true. It is definitely true a reasonable amount of the time.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. Do not get in between a Japanese grandmother and something she is trying to purchase regardless of how much before her you were there. It’s not relevant and it’s not worth it.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Just get in the back of the line.
Jeff:
They can take you out. They can throw you in the air and then run away.
Casey:
Well, it’s like anything else, right. You know Dot, right, Dot, the dog.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
There’s a pit bull or whatever or something and somehow she’s alpha to the pit bull even though she is a 12-pound Italian greyhound with no teeth and can’t bark, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That is the Japanese grandma thing. Yes, you can easily take them in a fair fight. The difference is they have this attitude that they will do whatever is necessary, right?
Jeff:
They are the alpha. I see.
Casey:
And you know, chances are you are not going to do whatever is necessary to buy that plum, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But they are.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you have to ask yourself. Are you willing to get into a knife fight with a grandmother to get this plum? Because she’s willing to do that. And that’s why you back down. If you really just didn’t care, if you had a death wish or you didn’t like your life or whatever, then sure, you’re gonna get that plum. There’s nothing she can do about it. She’s old. She’s frail. Whatever. But the bottom line is…
Jeff:
If she pulls a knife on you, you pull a gun.
Casey:
That’s right. The bottom line is unless you’re going into it with that attitude, she gets the plum.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Anyway, moving on… Looking at this article, I read into it a little bit because the wife says, “He worked until the retirement age. We had been looking forward to going to various places as a couple and were excited that we would be able to spend a relaxing time together. No matter what I say he won’t come back but I want to find out why this happened.” I read into that as like, she’s bummed that she won’t get to travel now, right. She was just like, “Whatever. I don’t give a shit about him. He’s dead. Good riddance. I want to know…”
Jeff:
“Where’s my bus pass?”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Like, “What the fuck…”
Jeff:
“Goddamn it.”
Casey:
“How am I supposed to travel around Japan now?”
Jeff:
Yep. Yeah, that is a pretty freaky situation all the way around.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I think a lot of American older women would see that as the mother lode. They’re suing the company for thousands of Dollars, right?
Casey:
Oh, but the company was extremely understanding and issued the following statement, “The accident was unfortunate, and we express our condolences over the fact that the man died. However, the farewell party was held voluntarily and as a company, we have no particular comment.” So they’re like, “I don’t know. It’s your fucking problem. You throw whoever in the fucking air you want. As long as everyone’s out of here by the morning, we don’t care what happens and…”
Jeff:
This happened after hours, of course.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No, that’s just a crazy story all the way around, not the way it should go.
Casey:
No, it is not.
Jeff:
I mean, the only thing worse is throwing a man up in the air and then placing a whole bunch of foot massage robots underneath him ‘cos they’d ground him into a hamburger when he lands.
Casey:
What a painful way to die.
Jeff:
But it’ll be quick. Are we gonna do the Heavy Metal Minute? We have 5 minutes of space here.
Casey:
Go ahead with Heavy Metal Minute. You got a minute in there?
Jeff:
Alright, we’re having Heavy Metal Minute. This is a short one.
Casey:
Awesome. Perfect timing. Hit us with that. This will be a great Christmas present for the listeners because I know they love this book.
Jeff:
Okay. Right. This is, again, “Complete Head-Bangin’ History of Heavy Metal” by Ian Christie, our favorite author.
Casey:
Or Christ, as we call him.
Jeff:
Yep, Christ himself. Alright, this is on page 4.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I have not gone farther in the book.
Casey:
I was gonna say you opened it up to another page which was right at the front. So this seems like more of a gold mine than the Van Halen Minute, even.
Jeff:
Yep, this is pretty amazing.
Casey:
What have you got for us?
Jeff:
This is Chapter 1 — “The 1970’s: Prelude to Heaviness”. That’s the name of the chapter. And it reads, “Shortly after JFK, RFK, and MFK fell to the bullets of assassins, so, too, were the originators of rock & roll falling to na_ve [inaudible 71:29]”
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
“Jaded and frustrated, the love generation that had created the counterculture left the cities in droves, returning to their homelands, heading to the hills, anything to exercise the communal nightmares of a utopia gone awry.”
Casey:
Goddamn it.
Jeff:
“It was the end of the 1960’s and all they represented as the non-violent flower children gave way to the militant Black Panther party, the Kent State campus massacres, and the increasingly violent street revolts by frustrated students in Paris, Berlin, and Italy. It was out with the old hopes and in with the new pragmatism.”
Casey:
So in his mind, Heavy Metal is very similar to Haight Ashbury or something?
Jeff:
The fall of Haight Ashbury.
Casey:
Right. Yes, sorry.
Sean:
Militant… The Black Panthers… Black Panther is Heavy Metal.
Casey:
Yeah, okay.
Jeff:
That’s what I think of when I think of Heavy Metal…
Casey:
Civil rights/Heavy Metal.
Jeff:
Is civil rights and the Black Panther party. It’s the same thing, basically.
Casey:
Pretty much.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You know what, that’s why he’s Ian Christie, because he gets the big picture. He ties it together.
Jeff:
He ties it together.
Casey:
He ties it together. Now, he ties together the things which are not related, right? But that’s just another one of his bonuses because any researcher could find a link between 2 things and tell you about it. Only he makes them up, right?
Jeff:
Right. Only he can make an imaginary link.
Casey:
Yes, exactly. He’s making links between things that don’t have links.
Jeff:
Between JFK and Heavy Metal.
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Because, again, when I think of Heavy Metal, and specifically Black Sabbath, the first thing I think of is “Camelot”, right?
Casey:
Yeah. Right, absolutely
Jeff:
It’s when JFK came into the White House.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
To me, it’s the same thing. It’s like change.
Casey:
I will splinter the CIA to the wind. Let’s rock!
Jeff:
Alright. So that’s only page 4. It’s hard for me to get through this.
Casey:
I look forward to the later pages of this book.
Jeff:
I need to just start reading it…
Casey:
No, you don’t. Just a minute every day, we’ll have 700 minutes.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s right. We’ll be there for the 500th Jeff & Casey Show. Alright…
Casey:
This was a very merry episode.
Jeff:
It was very merry.
Casey:
Except for retard Japanese people and…
Jeff:
Killer robots that grab our cocks off.
Casey:
White supremacists… Yeah.
Jeff:
And the White supremacists…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep, and Adolf Hitler. Other than that, merry Christmas.
Casey:
Oh, giant spiders.
Jeff:
And giant spiders….
Casey:
Have a merry Christmas and may all of your giant spiders be white.
Jeff:
Okay. Actually, they are, if you think about it. Because people don’t know, I think, how crazy Seattle’s been the last week and a half. We are buried in snow and ice.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
Yeah. I had to risk my life to do this fucking podcast.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I hope you’re happy.
Jeff:
But we do…
Casey:
Merry Christmas.
Jeff:
So because we risked our lives, be sure to send us an email…
Casey:
Oh, yeah…
Jeff:
At Podcast…
Casey:
Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com
Jeff:
I almost said it wrong. I’m glad you kicked in.
Casey:
That’s why… Why do you think I stepped in there? Or you can call us at our handy-dandy phone number. And by us, I mean Sean’s voicemail.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But he will relay the message. 425-296-3012. Let us know what’s on your mind.
Jeff:
And a reminder that pretty much, if you give us a Good/No Good topic and it comes on the phone line, you’re on the fucking show. So, you know…
Casey:
Yeah, pretty much. To be honest, when you say anything on that phone, we’re liable to put it on the show.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
You call in to say something…
Jeff:
You can sing us a song…
Casey:
We’ll put it on there.
Jeff:
If you want to give us a carol…
Casey:
You heard the kind of shit we just talked about.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You don’t think you can top that?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
That’s kind of pathetic if you can’t, actually, at the end of the day. Anyway, I hope everyone out there has a wonderful and merry Christmas/holiday/whatever the fuck you do, whatever you celebrate.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Celebrate that.
Jeff:
And we will see you all next week.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Have a good one.
Casey:
Alright, take it easy.
Jeff:
Good bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 45
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