Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Fat, Toothless, and Poor
"Mommy, I got a SYNTAX ERROR in math!"
Original air date: December 1st, 2008
Topics. M-Audio. BurgerKing drive-thru. BurgerKing Delayer (BKD). No mushrooms. Hotness escalation. Sufficient degree of hotness. Fake penis scam. Urine samples. Penis voxels. Penis jar. Jack-Russel terrier. Breaking wind. Shutting off computers. Benjamin Franklin. School farting incidents. Faux Thanksgiving cooking tips. The Valentine Nebraska Butt Bandit. Presumed white. Buttprint sentencing guidelines. Full-taint press. America’s fattest city. Hot dog festival. Fat town renaissance fair. Paul Revere. American history. Analog CD-ROMs. Digital Equipment Corporation. VAX. Report cards. High-school freak fatal accidents. Volunteer EMTs. Unscrewed gas jets.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
It’s November 26th…
Casey:
Is that the date today?
Jeff:
Yep, for a few more minutes. We started late due to some issues.
Casey:
That’s right. This is the first podcast coming to you from the new podcast studios…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
And they were supposed to be entirely new podcast studios which means new microphone for Jeff…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
New audio digitizer… New computer, even…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Everything was supposed to be new.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But Jeff, in his infinitesimal wisdom…
Jeff:
Hey.
Casey:
Decided to order the M Audio Digitizer…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
USB… Whatever the hell it is…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
From some, like, Amazon 3rd world country retail outlet/wholesaler/distributing/shipping thing that comes over on some kind of, like…
Jeff:
I wasn’t paying attention. Okay, so…
Casey:
You know, I’m envisioning a dragon boat of some kind… That’s sort of bobbing in the waves.
Jeff:
I am on the new mic. I am going to be louder to the people. I can walk around the studio, if I want.
Casey:
Yes, that’s correct.
Jeff:
But yes, the sound card did not work.
Casey:
Did not work at all.
Jeff:
And we thought it was Windows awesomeness but this was soundcard on top of Windows awesomeness. So again…
Casey:
Well, we thought it was Windows awesomeness because when you tried to install the drivers, it came up with the most amazing dialogue box…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which I had Jeff actually screenshot this dialogue box…
Jeff:
We’ll show them…
Casey:
We will post this. It was like… In fact, you can follow along at home. Essentially, this dialogue box was… I mean, it was massive. It covered a significant portion of Jeff’s 30-inch screen with this dialogue box. Yet, the actual content of the dialogue box was tiny.
Jeff:
And it didn’t wrap the text to the width of the thing…
Casey:
Nope. No. Not at all.
Jeff:
The text was formatted for, like, 480 pixels…
Casey:
Yes. Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, the window was like 1,024…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So all this gray area… It’s awesome.
Casey:
It looks as if some… You know, if you imagine what happens when you get like…
Jeff:
They don’t want to be cramped…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
These are sound guys. They spread it out.
Casey:
No, it’s like when there’s a 2nd grader and you give them Visual Studios little dialogue editor and they’re just like, drawing boxes on the fucking thing and they have no…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s what it looked like. I mean, it’s got, like, the OK buttons off in the middle of nowhere. Like, it’s got the… And it also didn’t look like a modern-style dialogue box with a title bar and shit…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It was like this big, gray, like…
Jeff:
It was totally BB Special.
Casey:
Yes, it was the BB Special.
Jeff:
It was old school.
Casey:
Old school. So that was a good one. And then, it also had another awesome feature which is it asked you to select which product you were installing drivers for from a drop-down list…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That contained one product.
Jeff:
That contained the product…
Casey:
Now, mind you, we have not plugged the product in at this point.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And even if we had, it wouldn’t matter because the product did not work. It did not actually get recognized by the USB chain. So it’s not like it was picking up the particular product and limiting our selection to only that one. It’s like, “No. There’s only ever one item in this dialogue box.”
Jeff:
This is why game companies have sound people is not necessarily because they’re skilled in engineering or something…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s because…
Casey:
It’s gonna take a long time…
Jeff:
It’s gonna take a long anything…
Casey:
For you to fucking digitize the sound…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Whether or not you have the sound to begin with or not.
Jeff:
Exactly. It’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
So anyway, epic fail. Jeff, however, is actually using the new microphone now.
Jeff:
I’m using the new mic.
Casey:
So something went right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But that something was very small.
Jeff:
Well, something is happening. And when you get this podcast and I sound terrible… Now, the other thing is I’m sick. And now, I have an omni-directional mic. So when I turn my head and cough, it’s still gonna be massively loud…
Casey:
Just like at the doctor’s office?
Jeff:
So I’m just saying, be ready.
Casey:
Tell me about your family history?
Jeff:
Not the way it should go.
Casey:
As he slaps the glove on…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Just turn your head and cough.
Jeff:
Stop it. So you know what, I had an awesome sequel to the “No Beef” tonight. We decided…
Casey:
You know what I realized we never do?
Jeff:
What’s that?
Casey:
We never recap.
Jeff:
Recap for…
Casey:
For people who don’t know what “No Beef” was…
Jeff:
“No Beef” was…
Casey:
The Burger King that Jeff goes to…
Jeff:
Yeah. We went to the Burger King. They did not serve me immediately…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
There was a large line…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Which is No Good, as we said.
Casey:
No Good, absolutely not.
Jeff:
So yes, this is the Burger King I always go to. And I got there. And there was a large line, which is No Good.
Casey:
No, of course not.
Jeff:
And I got up there and the first thing he said, of course, was, “No Beef”.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And he was upset…
Casey:
And you can go listen to the rest of the story…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For the other details… But “No Beef” being the important part here.
Jeff:
So today, we kind of decided to do the podcast late in the afternoon. We’re like, “Hey, let’s do the podcast.”
Casey:
Yeah. Now, it’s the day before Thanksgiving that we’re recording this podcast, actually…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And Jeff was out doing the shopping for Thanksgiving dinner.
Jeff:
Yep. I went to go get our tofurkey.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Because that’s how we roll.
Casey:
Well, you weren’t sure if you should go with the $19 fake turkey or the $70 fake turkey…
Jeff:
Well, no. I…
Casey:
And you decided that it would be a bit too spend-y…
Jeff:
No, that’s not it.
Casey:
Just a bit too spend-y to go with the $70.
Jeff:
To buy them both… You wanted me to buy them both because you’re like, “I don’t remember which one was good.” Because one tastes like rubber…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And one tastes like yummy scrumptiousness.
Casey:
Right. So rather than spend $90…
Jeff:
I spent $15.
Casey:
Right. You spent $15 or whatever it was…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And you might get complete rubber tomorrow.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s how I roll.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Fabulous.
Jeff:
So, I decide to go to the Burger King across the way so we could eat before we start our extravaganza that we have here at podcast studios once a week.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
I roll up there. There’s no line. I’m like, “Awesome. That’s good. That means things are running smoothly at the Burger King,” (which is unusual for this outlet).
Casey:
Now, you did not roll up to the Burger King because rolling up to the Burger King would require honeys in the passenger’s seat…
Jeff:
Okay. I see.
Casey:
A gold chain…
Jeff:
A tofurkey…
Casey:
Rims of some kind, running lights…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I don’t think that totally unmodified Lexus SUV with you by yourself in the driver’s seat qualifies as rolling up to anything, let alone the Burger King.
Jeff:
Right. Well, let me… I’ll go on to that in a second.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
’Cos there’s a little side story.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I get up there. And I’m waiting and I’m waiting.
Casey:
Okay. And you’re just, like, waiting ‘cos it’s par for the course. You’re like, “Surely, the fryolator’s broken…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So this is gonna be another 30-minute Whopper special.
Jeff:
While I’m waiting and waiting and waiting… And finally, I go, “Hello? Hello? Hello?” Behind me, someone actually does roll up to the Burger King.
Casey:
Okay, gotcha.
Jeff:
It’s like…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And my windows are going…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Every time… Much like our sound equipment always does when were recording the podcast.
Casey:
Yep, yep.
Jeff:
So I get up there and I’m waiting and waiting. I’m getting bass-ed…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Seriously…
Casey:
Bass-ed…
Jeff:
Nothing’s happening…
Casey:
Basted…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And I’m saying, “Hello? Hello? Hello?” Getting kind of… I’m feeling like eyes are upon me because now, the line is growing and growing.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And growing…
Casey:
And so, you’re kind of feeling like the guy who’s being chased by the zombies, trying to unlock the front door with the key and fumbling around and like…
Jeff:
Yeah. And it’s like, “I always get these mixed up.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“Oh, man.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Oh, man. I don’t even know what this one’s for.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
So I keep asking him. I keep saying, “Hello? Hello? Hello?” It takes maybe 3 minutes.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Which seems excruciatingly long, right?
Casey:
Oh, totally. Yeah.
Jeff:
And now, the line goes from me, all the way out to the street.
Casey:
Right. And they think that you are the BKD at this point…
Jeff:
Ordering something crazy…
Casey:
The Burger King Delayer…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? Yeah.
Jeff:
Burger King Bastard.
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, BKB?
Jeff:
Yeah, BKB. And then finally, the guy comes on and he goes, “Hello. I hope you haven’t been waiting long,” really loud… Like…
Casey:
Whoa. And is it the same guy? Is it the pedophile dude that you were talking about?
Jeff:
It’s the pedophile. Yep.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
He goes, “Sorry about that. My headset wasn’t working and I didn’t know. So I’ve been talking this whole time.” And I’m like, “Okay.”
Casey:
Wait a minute. That’s even better because why would you say, “I hope you haven’t been waiting long”? Because he knows at that point that you have been waiting long, presumably. Or can you not see…
Jeff:
’Cos I’ve been going, “You can order. You can order. You can order.” Well, no. They have timers because they’re rated on how fast they get people through the things.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Are you making that shit up?
Jeff:
No, no, no.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
In fact, it was a big deal [ at Hardy’s ] of, like, 90 seconds from order to out the door, right?
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
So I order. I say what I want. I say, you know, “I want a BK Veggie. I want an apple pie. I want a Whopper with no mayo. And I want fries…”
Casey:
Which you could just hold your iPod up to the speaker and play a prerecorded WAV file…
Jeff:
I should.
Casey:
Because there isn’t anything different in the order.
Jeff:
I should.
Casey:
There’s never a permutation.
Jeff:
Right. So he goes… I say all that and he goes, “So, a frozen Coke?” So he…
Casey:
He got one thing…
Jeff:
The last thing. The guy went right past his scratch pad…
Casey:
Holy shit.
Jeff:
And then he’s like, “Uh, I don’t see a button for that. See, they put new cash registers in today. I don’t know where anything is.”
Casey:
Alright. Okay. Awesome.
Jeff:
“Hold on. Hold on.” And he’s like, “Okay. What else?” And I’m like, “Fries.” “Hold on. Okay.” “BK Veggie.” “Hold on.” And it took… Everything took forever. I get up to the front and he goes, “I have good news and bad news.” And he said, “The frozen Coke machine hasn’t spun up but the Cherry’s ready.” And I was like, “What’s the good news?”
Casey:
It’s not a fucking consult. It’s not like…
Jeff:
Well, what’s the good news there?
Casey:
“Your liver’s not functioning properly but we can fix it.”
Jeff:
It’s just bad news and an alternative. Bad news and an alternative is not good news and bad news.
Casey:
The point is it’s a fast food…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You’re not there to have a discussion about your options…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, “Let’s talk about end of life care and do you think hospice is…” It’s like, no. It’s just tell them that you don’t have a frozen Coke. End of story. Move along.
Jeff:
Right. It’s not…
Casey:
Right. It’s not like “let’s work with the customer and figure out how we can get around to…” You know, “how we can service you best”…
Jeff:
So it took a while for them to gather the order. As he’s bringing me the order, the dude in the back with the mop bucket and mop walks right in front of him. The guy trips on the bucket and goes…
Casey:
Oh, no. No!
Jeff:
And he goes, “Fuck!” And then goes, “Here’s your meal.” I’m like, “This place…”
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
You know, I go there a lot…
Casey:
Yeah, I know.
Jeff:
But having 2 completely insane things… They should just have a documentary filmmaker there because I bet it’s just awesome. Like, everything that goes wrong there, the deep… I mean, how many employees have they lost in the deep fryer, right?
Casey:
Well, when I went there… And I’m pretty sure it was the same guy. Remember you told me to pick up food for you guys last time when I was coming over?
Jeff:
Oh, right, right.
Casey:
I think I got the guy. And I was waiting a long time. So I was, like, whistling… He was like, “I’ll be right with you.” And it was several minutes after so I was kind of whistling a song. I was like… You know, he’s like, “That’s a pretty good tune.” And I’m like, “Thanks, dude [inaudible 11:41] Requests is what I said. And he said, “Well, I’ve been having the great white something…” Some Styx song…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
He said it was a Styx song but I don’t know… I didn’t recognize…
Jeff:
He gave you…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
And I’m like, “I don’t know that song but I’d do it if I knew it. And he’s like, “Yeah, it’s alright.” Mind you, during this time, no ordering is transpiring at all. Like, I’m just sitting there. Oh, at the same time, I think I showed you a photo of this last time. There’s a paper…
Jeff:
Oh, right…
Casey:
Like, sign…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That says, “Sorry, no mushrooms. — Management” It’s like a single 8.5x11 sheet of paper that’s been printed out on the printer in the backroom, you know…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Someone who’s got mad print shop skills from the Apple 2 days has this big old thing printed out there. It’s been taped sort of haphazardly over the menu so you can’t read the menu anymore. You just see this giant sign that says, “Sorry, no mushrooms.”
Jeff:
“No mushrooms.”
Casey:
I didn’t even know they had mushrooms at Burger King.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, what does the mushrooms come on? What can you get with mushrooms on it?
Jeff:
They are in a constant state of absolutely losing their mind.
Casey:
I know. It’s amazing.
Jeff:
They’re just like, shit is going down at that place…
Casey:
It’s fantastic. MTV needs to send some cameras there.
Jeff:
They probably have, like, a very high incidence of stress-related heart disease…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because you walk into that place, this guy is imparting… Like, you feel stress just ordering.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You just, like… You’re like, “Dude…”
Casey:
Tripping over the mop thing and going, “Fuck”…
Jeff:
“Fuck…”
Casey:
Sounds aw--… And then, “Here’s your order.” That’s great.
Jeff:
Yeah, and it’s like you’re looking through the window and you can see… I can see the mop dude better than he could because…
Casey:
So you know it was coming? Yeah.
Jeff:
So you’re just like, “This really isn’t gonna… Fuck!” So yeah, I have no idea.
Casey:
On the plus side, it is a mop. So that’s kind of like getting run over by an ambulance.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
The thing that results… Already has the apparatus there necessary to resolve…
Jeff:
To clean it up.
Casey:
The issue, right?
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
So it’s all good.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright, so that story… I understood, at least at the beginning of the podcast… You told me before we started recording that you had 2 stories you were gonna tell…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
But you were deliberately cagey about the second one. And so, all I know is that it involves your trip to somewhere…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That you’re not willing to tell me or the listeners.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t want to say… So, I was going somewhere…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
A retail establishment…
Casey:
A retail establishment…
Jeff:
I don’t want to say where because I’m about to be rude to the people…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I feel bad.
Casey:
When you say “retail establishment”, do you mean a place where you purchase items (like a store) or do you mean a place where they conduct…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. So I show up there. And I’m dropping something off to get repaired.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I go in there and they say, “Yeah, you need to be helped by Jane,” okay?
Casey:
By Jane?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And so, I go and they kind of point down this hallway.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So I go to the first desk.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Okay. This woman is, like, gorgeous.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, supermodel gorgeous.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
6 feet tall, just fancy clothes…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Holy shit.”
Casey:
So, I already know where you went…
Jeff:
She goes… You may know how this ends…
Casey:
No. I’m saying I know where you went from this description. I’m not gonna say because you don’t want anyone to know…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But I have figured it out.
Jeff:
Maybe you do. Maybe not.
Casey:
I mean, I’ve never been to this thing but I know the type of establishment that you went to.
Jeff:
Okay. And I go, “Jane?” And she’s like, “No, next…” And she points it out. So I go to the next little thing… There’s these little dividers, alright… The next girl is even more incredibly gorgeous.
Casey:
Yeah, this is only confirming my hypothesis about where you went.
Jeff:
Okay. This girl is like…
Casey:
And I’ve talked about this on the previous podcast.
Jeff:
Okay. So this is like…
Casey:
Yes, I have…
Jeff:
Ukrainian supermodel… Like, holy shit balls.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“Jane?” No. Next one. Go to the next one, again, a model… Like, you’re just like, “This is unbelievable. Everyone is getting hotter,” right?
Casey:
Yeah. I’m waiting for the last one that’s actually Jane. Totally not.
Jeff:
The last one, she’s like… I round the corner and I’m like, “Here. This is Jane.” And she’s like, “Jeff?” Sure enough… Okay, 300 pounds, at least…
Casey:
I knew that was the punch line…
Jeff:
5 foot 9, right… Not only was she freaky looking, like meth hair, just like hair everywhere, right…
Casey:
So this is a bad hair day. What are you gonna do?
Jeff:
The other thing that was very disturbing is she goes, “Hi, nice to meet you,” and goes out to shake my hand. Her hand was super tiny. She had freaky little doll hands that I kind of shook at the end of these great big appendages that were just like, “Hello,” like…
Casey:
My God.
Jeff:
Some crazy David Lynch movie that I get to the end and that’s who I get…
Casey:
Praying mantis hands, kind of a thing or…
Jeff:
Oh, my God. They were like little tiny doll hands.
Casey:
Weird.
Jeff:
It was totally bizarre.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And so, I’m just sitting there, the whole time, getting my business taken care of and I’m just pissed…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Anyway, Jane doesn’t treat you right.
Casey:
Well, was the service good, though?
Jeff:
I don’t know yet because I haven’t gotten my repaired item back.
Casey:
Oh, I meant was your interaction with her pleasant despite the fact that she was a freak of nature?
Jeff:
I was freaking out the entire time. I wasn’t really paying attention.
Casey:
So you don’t even know? Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
You know, she didn’t have a keyboard. She just had, like, a Blackberry because that was full size for her.
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
It was bizarre.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
It was total David Lynch.
Casey:
So I guess next time, you’re gonna have to be more careful about which service individual you get.
Jeff:
Well, yeah. But see, that’s the thing. Like, if I was total, like, didn’t give a shit and be like, “Anybody but Jane,” right?
Casey:
Right, right.
Jeff:
There are people that can do that.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I can’t do that. I’m stuck with Jane. Like, 10 years from now, Jane is taking care of my action.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This is how it’s gonna roll.
Casey:
Well, I was imagining something more like the first one you went to would be like, “Actually, why don’t you take care of me.” That would’ve probably been the right thing to say, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That way, it avoids you ever meeting the other people that you were going to interact with and have to say…
Jeff:
But there was an escalation in hotness. So you want to look at the first 2 as the, you know, the derivative…
Casey:
Right. I’m saying cut it off right there because then, you also wouldn’t have known that bit of information so you wouldn’t have felt the need to explore further, right?
Jeff:
When I hit the sufficient degree of hotness…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Just be satisfied. Don’t try to escalate…
Casey:
This is like Blackjack or the stock market, right. You always want to get out just a little bit before you probably want to, right?
Jeff:
Well, as usual, I sold too late.
Casey:
Yes, you did. Sorry.
Jeff:
Too late. That’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
You ended up with the 2008 S&P 500 Index. You walked by 2006 and 2007…
Jeff:
And just hung right on to 2008.
Casey:
And you went out with 2008. And that’s what happens sometimes.
Jeff:
And I got totally [ C Grouped ].
Casey:
That’s just the way it goes sometimes.
Jeff:
Yep. It was not good.
Casey:
Slick.
Jeff:
Well, we have a bunch of crazy… So is this going to be like the ass and cock show? Because all of our stories…
Casey:
As opposed to the other shows?
Jeff:
Yeah, I suppose that’s true.
Casey:
I remember a few weeks ago, you were like, “We should discuss some things,” like some actual things, you know…
Jeff:
Some tech--… Since we are programmers…
Casey:
Whatever. Right. Yeah. Ostensibly.
Jeff:
We should have some technical…
Casey:
When was the last time you wrote a piece of code?
Jeff:
Some technical information.
Casey:
Right, yeah, on this show.
Jeff:
And know…
Casey:
Since you said that, it has been nothing but dick and fart jokes this entire time. Like…
Jeff:
And this show is not going to change that.
Casey:
No, it’s not going to change that at all.
Jeff:
’Cos I’ve seen what we’re gonna talk about…
Casey:
Right. In fact, this is basically the same…
Jeff:
And listeners, you should either check… I mean, if you are here for technical stuff, leave now because you’re bound to be emotionally scarred.
Casey:
They already would’ve left. Who would still be on this podcast if they were looking for technical information? That horse left the barn…
Jeff:
At episode 1…
Casey:
So long ago.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Like, oh, my God.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
The gate was opened…
Jeff:
Long ago?
Casey:
Eons ago, yes. Last April? We couldn’t remember when we started this podcast. I don’t know.
Jeff:
It’s been about a year.
Casey:
41 weeks/42 weeks ago.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway, the stories, the small anally/crotch/obesity-related stories we have for you, I will start out with one that was sent to us… Late breaking news, in fact. The news is not new but the breaking of it is. Sent to us by [ Juan ] from New York City, who pointed out this lovely BBC article titled “Men Guilty Over Fake Penis Scam”.
Jeff:
Ah, I see.
Casey:
And so, the reason this is not sort of breaking news in that sense is because I think this is when they were found guilty as opposed to when they were charged, which is when the news probably showed up before…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But it says, “The makers of a prosthetic penis to help men cheat on drugs tests have pleaded guilty to two charges of conspiracy in a US federal court. The two men, George Wills and Robert Catalano, had been selling the device — known as the Whizzinator — over the internet for three years. The device was sold with a heating element and fake urine to help people test negative for illegal substances.”
Jeff:
The high end drug-faking devices were getting up there.
Casey:
Now…
Jeff:
I can’t remember the sports star that was caught with one of those in his bag but there was somebody a year ago or 2 years ago that actually… They’re, like, going through the luggage at the TSA counter and they’re like, “What’s this?” And it was a Whizzinator. So somebody’s been caught with these.
Casey:
That’s insane. I mean, the fact that there’s a heating element in it suggests to me that there’s been a number of times when, like, you handed your urine cup to somebody and they’re like…
Jeff:
“Wait a second.”
Casey:
“It’s cold.”
Jeff:
“This can’t be right.”
Casey:
“What the fuck?”
Jeff:
You’re like, “I just had an ice cream.”
Casey:
How do you bring that up, right? It’s already a delicate enough situation, okay. You give someone a cup. They go into the bathroom…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They come out with their own urine (sometimes their own urine) in the cup and they hand it to you. And now, you’re like, “Excuse me sir, does this feel…”
Jeff:
“Warm enough for you?”
Casey:
“Warm enough for you?”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“I’m gonna have to ask you to try again.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But what are you gonna do? You already went. I mean, you don’t have just, like, a spare…
Jeff:
Well, that’s how they know if you’re cheating. You’re like, “Sure, I can go again.” And then, like…
Casey:
Oh, then they’re like, “Gotcha.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So it’s like, pro-tip — Never give additional urine.
Jeff:
That’s exactly…
Casey:
It’s like a magic trick.
Jeff:
Well, no. This is…
Casey:
Only show them once.
Jeff:
Right. This…
Casey:
Only show the urine once.
Jeff:
This is a very sophisticated device because they’ve gone through revisions, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And much like the iPhone, they had to have experts from many fields, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They had to have the prosthetics guy…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That make something that looks like…
Casey:
And I assume when you say “much like the iPhone”, you mean something that essentially is a bodily fluid in a little container.
Jeff:
Okay. I [ lugged that one over the plane ].
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s the best you could do, okay. I’m gonna continue talking and you keep thinking about your new comeback because I’m giving you this one.
Casey:
What do you want me to say? You told me I couldn’t have my 30-minute rant on how bad the iPhone sucks on this podcast.
Jeff:
Well, I was like, “Dude…”
Casey:
You censored it.
Jeff:
Yes, I did censor you.
Casey:
Yes, you are like Steve Jobs…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s not boring.
Jeff:
No, like…
Casey:
It’s not boring. It’s important information that people need to have before they buy one of these things.
Jeff:
As you use yours everyday…
Casey:
I have to use it. It’s my phone.
Jeff:
I love that.
Casey:
I don’t have a choice.
Jeff:
I love it.
Casey:
It’s terrible.
Jeff:
Anyway, the first one was just like it had a little external bladder and then had this tube…
Casey:
How do you know this? Have you been following Whizzinator technology?
Jeff:
When the dude got caught with it, everybody was talking about these. And they sold a shit ton of them.
Casey:
I guess so.
Jeff:
And most are not for sports stars although sports stars were the ones that kinda…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You know, it was like the…
Casey:
They’re for fast food employees or whatever, right…
Jeff:
Right. They’re for that. ‘Cos normally, you’re not under the scrutiny that an athlete is.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But then, people using the Whizzinator Mach 1…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Complained. They’re like, you know, “This doesn’t look like a dick at all.”
Casey:
Now, when you said the Whizzinator Mach 1, did you mean to say “Mark 1” or is it actually Mach 1 like it’s a speed.
Jeff:
I was thinking like the razor — Mach 1/Mach 2.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
But yes, Mark 1 would…
Casey:
So they’re, like, competing ones where they add an additional urine element or additional whatever each time?
Jeff:
An extra bladder?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
So the first one didn’t look like anything ‘cos it was just you pull the tube out, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Some dude probably got caught, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Fired, right? Complaints… The company goes, “Back to the drawing board, guys,” right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And all the engineers gather around with the whiteboard …
Casey:
There’s all the people in lab coats with the whiteboard…
Jeff:
Exactly… Test tubes…
Casey:
They’ve got diagrams. Yeah, they have some wind tunnel that’s got a penis voxel element in there with all these flow lines over it.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
They’re like, “It’s never gonna work. We need to get the weight down.”
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, they have to fire genius wonder kids from MIT…
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, the second version…
Casey:
Director of Penisology…
Jeff:
Had something that looks like you’re pulling out a real unit.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
That had the tube in it…
Casey:
The Unit unit, if you will.
Jeff:
Yeah. So somebody eventually got busted for the coldness. Then, they probably added the heating element.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Then they probably added, like…
Casey:
It’s a cat and mouse game.
Jeff:
Yes, totally.
Casey:
It’s like DRM versus Pirates, right?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
It’s like they keep adding new things to their urine test. But then, the Whizzinator strikes back with a new version.
Jeff:
Right. Urine will be free.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Lots to be free.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Anyway… So yes, the final version was apparently the version… Now, what did they get busted for? Because it’s totally legal that…
Casey:
It says fraud.
Jeff:
Well, did they start saying that, like…
Casey:
So, conspiracy…
Jeff:
I wonder what the fraud is. Like, it certainly must do… Maybe they were burning people. Like, the heating element…
Casey:
No, no. [ They were given ] 2 charges of conspiracy. So not fraud, just conspiracy is all it says. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Okay. Where they conspiracy, like, in the sense of over the employers that were getting screwed by hiring full-on druggies?
Casey:
It really does not say in here. It’s just like… I mean, the title is “Men Guilty Over Fake Penis Scam”. How in-depth of a reporting do you really think they were doing if they put up that as the headline? Like, they’re obviously just having a go, right?
Jeff:
Well, that’s all I really need to hear.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Again, that writes itself. We’re all done.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And that was here? Or that was… Did you say it was in London?
Casey:
No, no. Well, it’s the BBC.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Were the people reporting.
Jeff:
Because our reporters here, they’re not hardcore, right. They’re not focused on these things…
Casey:
They’re not doing the kind of investigative journalism that’s necessary to break undercover animal sex rings…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Like last time from Sweden where we had that kind of crack journalism going on…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Crack journalism, if you will.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And this kind of, like, penis court case reporting that’s… Now, that’s not actually true, though, because our next one comes from Australia.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So you can see that basically, like, there’s kind of a theme here.
Jeff:
Basically, Jeff & Casey Show covers the world.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
We bring the world to you. If it deals with asses, cocks…
Casey:
We’re still on penises right now.
Jeff:
Okay, we’re still on the cock…
Casey:
We’re still on penises. We’ll get to the asses later.
Jeff:
We’re still on the cock tale.
Casey:
Yeah, on the second half of the show. Coming up later… Still to come on the Jeff & Casey Show…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Asses, fat people, and cars. Okay. No, this one is from Australia.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
At least the reporting was from Australia. And the headline is “Man Caught with Penis in Pasta Jar Near Nobbys Beach”.
Jeff:
Nobbys Beach.
Casey:
And you can tell… He was probably, like, in the same town as Nobbys Beach or something…
Jeff:
Look what I’m doing here while you’re telling the story.
Casey:
Where are you going?
Jeff:
I’m just walking around.
Casey:
Where are you going?
Jeff:
My new microphone gives me… I’m wireless, Casey.
Casey:
Sit your ass back down.
Jeff:
I like it. I’m pacing. I’m thinking about your story.
Casey:
We didn’t get you that microphone so you could walk around, though.
Jeff:
Nobby Beach. Pasta jar…
Casey:
Stop making that… That’s a lewd gesture that one can only make standing up. I’ll leave it to the listeners’ imagination to determine what that is. Anyway, it says, “A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20-kilometer car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.”
Jeff:
Again, I don’t know how far that is.
Casey:
Right. 20 kilometers could be… That could be to the moon and back or it could be from me to you right now.
Jeff:
Yep, I have no idea.
Casey:
“Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed. Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said. Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26. Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.”
Jeff:
And he did…
Casey:
And he had a weapon.
Jeff:
Oh, he had a weapon, alright…
Casey:
It sounds like he definitely had a weapon.
Jeff:
He drew that weapon.
Casey:
Fortunately, no, he did not draw it. He kept it holstered in a jar. Now…
Jeff:
So, did he manufacture some vacuum device? I kind of feel like they’d be like, “Put your hands on your head,” and the jar is just suctioned on you somehow.
Casey:
Well, wait a second. It says, “Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kilometers an hour,” again, an arbitrary speed, “before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car,” for obvious reasons. “Four officials used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.” So, I don’t know why the dude with his penis in a jar is the guy who we’re focusing on in the story.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Cops beat and sprayed…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
A dude with his penis in a jar in a car that was trying to leave. They chased him down, dragged him out his vehicle with batons and pepper spray…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
While he still had his penis in a jar.
Jeff:
In the jar… I think I saw this on Benny Hill once…
Casey:
What is the world coming to?
Jeff:
And it had a crazy theme song the entire time.
Casey:
What the hell is wrong with these people?
Jeff:
I have no idea. I don’t get the jar thing at all. I want an explanation.
Casey:
If you are capable of prodding the dude with a baton, presumably, you can see that the guy’s hands are not on a weapon, that in fact, they are on a big ass glass jar that has a penis inside it. And presumably, if it’s not too dark outside and the officers aren’t completely blind, they’re able to determine that the penis, in fact, is still attached to the man and not some severed penis, which I admit would warrant further investigation although, admittedly, normally, one does not feel the need to keep one’s own penis in a jar…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because that seems a little redundant. That’s usually what underwear is for.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t understand the whole, like… He’s like, “Oh, shit. Cops are on my way.” He leaves on the chase…
Casey:
Right. Doesn’t take the jar off. Jar stays on, right?
Jeff:
I assume that the jar is being held on by some vacuum and he’s trying to break the air, like…
Casey:
Trying to get it off the whole time.
Jeff:
So when he does happen…
Casey:
“I knew I should’ve used a wide-mouthed mason. It’s a terrible choice.”
Jeff:
I’m assuming that when he finally was stopped, they’re like, “Put your hands above your head,” and the jar’s…
Casey:
The jar’s still there.
Jeff:
Still sticking… And he’s like, “Fuck…”
Casey:
No. He puts his hands up and the jar’s still there for, like, a second. And then, it falls off and goes…
Jeff:
It falls off… Thank you, everyone. Oh, my goodness. Well, the other awesome thing about the end of that story is that the article…
Casey:
I’m not done.
Jeff:
Oh, you got more?
Casey:
I’m not done. It says, “They found a 750-millilitre jar,” which again, arbitrary size…
Jeff:
No idea. Yep.
Casey:
“Around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue ‘pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling with the cops’.” Right? So that sort of negates your theory that he was trying to get it out during the chase.
Jeff:
I see. It sounds like this is getting chased and getting wrestled to the ground…
Casey:
Was kind of exciting.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“Arrest me.”
Casey:
You are masturbating in a jar…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
In a parked car. You could pick a location that was not already against the law to be parking, right?
Jeff:
He was in front of the police department…
Casey:
If you were not… Yeah, he’s like, “Come on, chase me.”
Jeff:
Double park in front of the police department…
Casey:
“A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid…”
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Separate from the bottle, apparently. And they declined to go into further…
Jeff:
Maybe that’s just one of the lids that you clasp on when you’re…
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Yeah, I have no idea. We’re just guessing.
Casey:
“Womens stockings…”
Jeff:
Of course…
Casey:
I mean, that’s self-explanatory…
Jeff:
Goes without saying, yeah…
Casey:
“And a Jack Russell terrier.”
Jeff:
I love that they stop to mention…
Casey:
That one comes out of nowhere.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, where’s the Jack Russell terrier during all of this?
Jeff:
Well, what was interesting about that is they could’ve mentioned any number of things that were also in the car since they specifically brought up the fact that his dog was in the car…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I think that dog was getting backed into. Or backing into…
Casey:
It’s entirely possible the dog was getting backed into or, you know, maybe the jar…
Jeff:
’Cos they could’ve said…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right, like…
Casey:
The jar was kind of a dipping thing, you know, as we discussed in a previous podcast. Is it wrong? Is it animal abuse? I don’t know, says the Swedish Department of Agriculture. But here on the Jeff & Casey Show, what we do know is this sentence said… It listed 4 things that were in the car, right? It listed “uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women’s stockings, Jack Russell terrier.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
So they’re trying to imply that the list is all of a single category of items, if you will.
Jeff:
Exactly. Yep. Maybe the dog’s really embarrassed. Like, some people, like… “I’m just an innocent bystander and I was dragged into this story,” and he wants to… He’s upset that he’s even being included in this whole sordid affair. It’s like, “I have the worst fucking owner in the universe.
Casey:
Entirely possible. For what it’s worth, by the way, when he was asked essentially why he was doing what he was doing, he said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself “decent”.
Jeff:
I see. Well, you know, when I’m caught out in public with a mason jar on my unit, I try to have a bathrobe around… You know, there’s a strange bulge there, of course. But I try to go out…
Casey:
I’ve got a jar on my penis right now.
Jeff:
That’s why I’m wearing cargo pants.
Casey:
24/7, baby. Baggy enough pants, no one will ever know.
Jeff:
That’s the worst athletic cup ever.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I think some of the fireflies I was trying to keep alive are dead now. I should’ve poked some holes in it. I mean, in addition to… It kind of filled up the top part, you know what I’m saying. But…
Jeff:
Oh, man. Other than that, it’s all good.
Casey:
It’s all good, totally fine.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So let’s move from penises to asses.
Jeff:
So revolve the human.
Casey:
Let’s just turn around…
Jeff:
Let’s rotate it…
Casey:
Let’s spin it around.
Jeff:
Turn it around. Put your hands on the table.
Casey:
Turn around. Let’s go straight for “Florida Boy Arrested for Gas Attack”.
Jeff:
Oh, I remember this one.
Casey:
Oh, how could you forget?
Jeff:
This might be another [ Juan ].
Casey:
It might have been. Was it [ Juan ]?
Jeff:
I think so.
Casey:
[ Juan ] sent us some quality links. Not animal links, mind you, but quality links.
Jeff:
I think [ Juan ] has his idea of what we should talk about…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And supplies us with fodder that we need to do our show, right?
Casey:
Yes. He could just send the script for the show each week and then, we’ll just read it off.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
12-year old, charged after deliberately breaking wind in class.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“A 12-year old Florida student was arrested earlier this month after he ‘deliberately passed gas to disrupt the class,’ according to police. The child, who was also accused of shutting off the computers of classmates at Stuart’s Spectrum Jr./Sr. High School, was busted November 4 for disruption of a school function. A Martin County Sheriff’s Office report,” a copy of which you’ll find below, “notes that the 4’ 11 offender admitted that he ‘continually disrupted his classroom environment by breaking wind and shutting off several computers.’ The boy, whose name was redacted from the police report released today, was turned over to his mother following the arrest.”
Jeff:
So we have this little, tiny man…
Casey:
I’m just trying to picture, basically, a 5-foot guy walking around, shutting off computers and going…
Jeff:
Yeah. We call that Vista, right? Like, if you have something really stinky to crash these machines, we have a name for that. So, Mr. Vista…
Casey:
An excellent point.
Jeff:
Mr. Vista…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They mentioned that he was trying to deliberately disrupt class with these emissions during class, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Benjamin Franklin would be appalled…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
By this very…
Jeff:
But, okay, here’s my thing…
Casey:
Sort of accusation… But yes… Let alone the arrest…
Jeff:
Okay. So who would pass gas in class when they weren’t trying to be disruptive? Like, why do they have to… ‘Cos, like, you know, you let something go, everyone laughs.
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “No, no, no. My bad. I wasn’t trying to disrupt class.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, you’re trying to back it up…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The only reason boys in particular in high school pass gas in class is to be disruptive. You don’t need the rest of the thing. There is no point that someone has a good reason to pass gas in class.
Casey:
Well, I’m a little confused, actually, by this though, which is that why on earth would you feel like you need to arrest somebody…
Jeff:
That is crazy.
Casey:
What kind of disciplinary system do they have in this school that they could not control a farting computer switch pusher…
Jeff:
I’m just like…
Casey:
Without calling the cops.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
Like, have they totally lost control. I mean, there’s places where you have to walk through a metal detector to go to class.
Jeff:
In my junior high, that would’ve been 90% of the boys, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah. They’d all be in jail.
Jeff:
I don’t get this. Yeah, this is a different world.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because, like, do they think he’s some biological terrorist, right?
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
You know, like the kid…
Casey:
And how is he farting this frequently in the first place?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
No. You know what, I figured it out. If it is Windows Vista… Those things take 2 or 3 minutes to shut down…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So you probably have plenty of time to recharge, right?
Jeff:
I see. I see. The UAC.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“Would you like this emission now?”
Casey:
“Do you accept or deny this emission?”
Jeff:
Deny. Please.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
No. I don’t get it at all. It’s just…
Casey:
I mean, usually that’s what the principal is for, right? You get sent to the principal. You get detention. You don’t call the cops.
Jeff:
Yeah. Worst principal ever. Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, this should be… That’s all the principal has to deal with.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Farting boys…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, boys plugging up the toilets…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
All the standard shit that kids get into in high school and junior high… If you’re not doing that, what are you doing as a principal?
Casey:
I have no idea. Wait, maybe it’s like [ an inverted ]…
Jeff:
I know what you’re doing. You’re buying fucking mason jars and driving around town because that’s all that makes sense because you do nothing other than that, than your job.
Casey:
It’s possible that this is an inverted high school of some kind, basically. Or… Was it high school? What was it? No, sorry. It’s junior/senior high, whatever that means.
Jeff:
I would think it’d be junior because 4’ 11…
Casey:
It says junior/senior…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So I guess it means that they’ve got it all rolled into one…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’m assuming…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Maybe it’s like they have… Their whole disciplinary system is backwards. So, like, there’s dudes shooting at each other in class.
Jeff:
And that’s alright.
Casey:
And they’re like, “Boys, cut that out,” right? And then somebody farts and they’re like, “Oh, my God.”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly…
Casey:
Like, they pull the fire alarm. Everyone gets down, you know…
Jeff:
Issued a gun as you walk [inaudible 40:29]
Casey:
Right. 2 dudes stalk in the classroom in trench coats. And they whip them open and they just let out a huge fart, right. And everyone just loses their shit. And then, they go on this big thing about how, like, they can’t allow beans… Like, beans have gotten out of control.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They bought like a bean show ‘cos you’re not supposed to be able to get beans without a 3-week waiting period and without being over 18 and all this shit, right? But there are these freaking southern things. You go to where they got chili and it’s just out there. And anyone who walks up with $5 can get a cup and fart all over the place.
Jeff:
Yeah, totally. These kids, they were outsiders, you know. They were learners…
Casey:
Right, yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
And they were just sitting around…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Being grumpy, eating beans…
Casey:
Yep, exactly.
Jeff:
And they had a plan. They wrote it out in their diary…
Casey:
I know. It’s tragic, really.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And then, the worst part about it is because… I mean, you want to find out. Like, you want to talk to these kids and find out what they were thinking when they do that. But invariably, the end of all these kinds of situations is the kids tragically bend over, like, all the way and they just rip a huge fart right into their own nose. And so, it’s like, it’s lost to history. I mean, that’s it, you know…
Jeff:
Right. And nobody knows.
Casey:
It always ends that way.
Jeff:
Either that or all their classmates shoot them, right? Like, it could go either way, right?
Casey:
Exactly, the classmates would shoot them right there, yeah.
Jeff:
Right. And then you just [inaudible 41:51]
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
In either path, you have no idea what was going through their troubled minds, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, how many angry emails… Are we ever gonna go too far?
Casey:
We’ve never gotten an angry email.
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
We’ve said the worst… That just underscores the incredibly low reach of this podcast…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
The fact that the stuff that we have said is worse than anything I’ve ever heard on any broadcasted show before…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And yet, you get nothing.
Jeff:
Never had to apologize.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I wonder if we did something really pleasant and happy and cheerful to be provocative (so we could get more listeners), you know what I mean?
Jeff:
Maybe we’d try that stunt sometime?
Casey:
“Hey, listeners. Casey Muratori here on the Jeff & Casey Show. I wanted to share with you some thanksgiving tips. This is about how to make marshmallows.”
Jeff:
I have so many pleasant memories about marshmallows.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to do. We obviously can’t be shocking…
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
Because I don’t know how you get more shocking than that. No one cares. It’s tough.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright, well, moving… I’m just gonna stay on with the ass theme here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Moving along, we’ve got… And this I think was a Jeff special. [ Juan ] not required…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For this link… You came up with it all by yourself.
Jeff:
Oh, this one’s from me? Okay.
Casey:
I believe so.
Jeff:
What are we talking about?
Casey:
Nebraska’s butt bandit suspect faces charges.
Jeff:
Oh, the butt bandit.
Casey:
The butt bandit. “Cops say he left greasy, graphic imprints of behind, groin on area windows.” Now, “behind, groin” is not one thing. It’s “behind, groin”.
Jeff:
Right. They’re trying to say the ‘tain’t but they don’t know the terminology. They’re trying to…
Casey:
Oh, is that what it is? So they’re actually talking about the area in between the behind and the groin?
Jeff:
I assume that he’s going…
Casey:
Spreading it out as far as he can.
Jeff:
And then planting it on there.
Casey:
Alright, kind of like putting a pencil under a Ken doll, if you will.
Jeff:
Right. Or like a teenager girl when she writes a note to her boyfriend and she kisses the bottom of the note with her lipstick.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Only it’s Vaseline and his ass.
Casey:
Instead of her lips, it’s his ‘tain’t.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright. “Valentine, Nebraska — Ten misdemeanor counts have been filed…”
Jeff:
Oh, it is Valentine? That’s even more…
Casey:
That’s a good…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
How romantic.
Jeff:
It is. It is. That’s probably, you’re gonna discover…
Casey:
“I blow you a kiss.” “Valentine, Nebraska — Ten misdemeanor counts have been filed against a man Cherry County authorities believe is the vandal some townspeople have dubbed the ‘Butt Bandit’.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said that on Tuesday he filed nine counts of public indecency and one count of disturbing the peace against 35-year-old Tom Larvie, of Valentine…”
Jeff:
So what got the “disturbing the peace”? Was that when he actually let one fly, you know, Columbine style?
Casey:
No idea.
Jeff:
That must be because the rest of them…
Casey:
I don’t know. It says, “Larvie is suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints of his naked behind, and sometimes his groin, on the windows of stores, churches and schools in Valentine since the spring of 2007.” So this was not an isolated 1 or 2-day thing where he smeared a bunch of windows.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He is a serial butt printer, right?
Jeff:
Right. Yep.
Casey:
And this was an unsolved butt print spree.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you’ve ever seen the movie, “Zodiac”, that’s this. This is what this is, right?
Jeff:
They called in Fox Moulder…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right, David Scully…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They probably sent out to the newspapers copies of his crazy pictograph riddles about where his anus was gonna get smeared next.
Jeff:
They made plaster imprints of the smear…
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
To study…
Casey:
Exactly. They kind of put a… It’s like fingerprint transfer, right… They then dusted it off, put on the little contact paper…
Jeff:
They got a guy that did a profile…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I think he’s an angry, you know, White male…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, that’s the other thing is why is it always fucked up White people who do the crazy shit?
Casey:
But they never have the thing that happens to Black people where it’s like Black male suspect, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They never say, like, “An unidentified White male was smearing his ass on things,” right?
Jeff:
Right. Here’s a tip. If you have something fucked up, perverted, and unsolved; it’s a White guy.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s probably true.
Jeff:
It is a fucking White guy.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
So go ahead and say it.
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
As a White man, I will be more than happy, accept that stereotype…
Casey:
You can probably… [inaudible 46:08] “A presumed White butt printer is at large tonight in Valentine, Nebraska.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. I wonder if this was again like “zodiac” where it inspired terror and stuff and a response from the citizenry. Like, I wonder if they basically used, like, hurricane procedures…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And they taped over the windows and stuff so that they couldn’t get butt-printed ‘cos in morning, someone would wake up and, Oh, my God, they’ve ben butt-printed. You know what I mean?
Jeff:
Exactly. Right. And they’re trying to [ prevent ] copycats…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
From smearing more things.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
The other thing is they called him the “butt bandit”…
Casey:
’Cos he keeps getting away.
Jeff:
But he wasn’t stealing anything.
Casey:
No, that’s true. He wasn’t.
Jeff:
Perhaps their innocence, right? What else could it be? What was he… That guy’s got… I mean, that’s gotta be the worst. Like, he goes to his job interview in 2 to 3 months… Like, he’s gonna go to jail for in this stupid misdemeanors….
Casey:
No, ‘cos they’re misdemeanors.
Jeff:
No jail time?
Casey:
No, not on your criminal record.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
See, misdemeanors are not gonna… When the employer asks you, “Do you have a criminal record?” You don’t have to say, “Yeah, I was a butt printer.”
Jeff:
“Do you recognize this?”
Casey:
“I’m a celebrity.”
Jeff:
“Take a gander at this.”
Casey:
He pulls down his pants and the dude’s like, “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t follow you.” And he goes, “Can I use this window?”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Let me show you something.”
Casey:
“How about [inaudible 47:40]
Jeff:
“Let me show you a little of my work,” right?
Casey:
Maybe there’s a 1st Amendment grounds for appealing this misdemeanor case.
Jeff:
It’s true. It could be like…
Casey:
“I was trying to express myself all over the Denny’s window.”
Jeff:
Right. I have been to worse modern art exhibits in New York, certainly.
Casey:
Ones that have more feces, too, probably… It’s just a print. I mean, a print’s a small amount.
Jeff:
The 4-room feces film…
Casey:
The 4-room feces, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, how many butt prints could you make out of that?
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
You could butt print a big skyscraper, probably, with that much feces… You only need a wafer-thin layer to lay down a print.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
I wonder if there was, like, hairs stuck to it…
Jeff:
Ugh.
Casey:
I wonder how gross the prints were.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
’Cos I should think that…
Jeff:
That’s how they probably tracked him down was his DNA…
Casey:
DNA…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Is DNA in your feces or only if there’s hairs in it?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
So here’s the thing. This is what I want to know because oftentimes this is the case — sentencing guidelines and such like this…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I wonder if they have a Supreme Court… You know I’m all about the Supreme Court tests. I’m big on the tests.
Jeff:
Yep, like a good test.
Casey:
So I’m wondering if that factors in.
Jeff:
What?
Casey:
When we go to [ sentences guide ], were there hairs in the butt print?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
How wide was the butt print? Does he have an unseasonably disfigured ass, right? Is it a crazy butt print or a normal healthy shaped butt print, you know.
Jeff:
I see. So you’re saying that there might be guidelines for the minimum sentencing that are dependent upon the ass print of the…
Casey:
How serious is this crime? What kind of ass print did you leave, right?
Jeff:
So I think once you start getting full ‘tain’t presses…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re pretty much at maximum sentencing ‘cos to get a full ’tain’t press, you gotta be good and spread and fully on…
Casey:
That sounds like a basketball play where we’re running the full ‘tain’t press.
Jeff:
Yep. Full ‘tain’t.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. You were on ‘em like ’tain’t.
Casey:
Oh, my God. Well…
Jeff:
That’s crazy. Well, my innocence is gone.
Casey:
Yeah, I know. I think we’re done with all of our…
Jeff:
That’s it?
Casey:
Well, no. That’s not it. We’re done with all of our penis-ass… I don’t know what you want to call that section. Below the Waist. Yeah. So we’re going from below the waist to just the waist, if you will.
Jeff:
Between the temples?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Oh, just the waist. Okay.
Casey:
From below the waist to the waist, in general.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And this is an article that you’ve been wanting to discuss for a while, actually, since we took up the issue in I think a sensitive and measured way…
Jeff:
As we usually are…
Casey:
Of obesity in America.
Jeff:
Yes, with the fat movement of lack of it.
Casey:
I think we discussed this fat acceptance movement.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. Are we fat accepting on this podcast?
Jeff:
You’re asking me where we fall on that spectrum?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I would say that we probably… If more than the few dozen people that listen to us listen to us, we would have wanted posters at the fat acceptance…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I think we’d be in big trouble.
Casey:
Now, the fact that you opened this podcast with a story about the fact that you didn’t want to get served by the fattie at the place that you’d gone to…
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m kind of a fattist. That’s true.
Casey:
That is probably a bad sign.
Jeff:
Right. Yep, I think we’re in trouble.
Casey:
And I think that maybe…
Jeff:
We can’t go to this town.
Casey:
That’s probably true. We can’t go to this town. Well, we’ll get to that in a second. I would probably skew more on the fatty side than you would, to be honest with you. I’m just gonna lay that out there. That’s not really a problem for me.
Jeff:
It doesn’t bother you one bit?
Casey:
I mean, maybe if it gets excessive, then there’s a problem.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But you’re a very skinny guy.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So I can see why you would see the world through skinniness, through…
Jeff:
Through thin-wired glasses?
Casey:
Through thin eyes, if you will. You can only see the world through thin eyes. You just don’t appreciate the extra heat that a few extra layers can provide. You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Yeah, maybe that’s what it is.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Anyway, moving on… “West Virginia town shrugs at being fattest city.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“Huntington characterized as obese, toothless, and poor in recent report.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Nothing like kicking them when they’re down.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You can’t just say that they are characterized as obese. You have to add toothless and poor.
Jeff:
Right. And for good reason because this town…
Casey:
So you’re familiar with this article, you didn’t just forward it along. You read it.
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s a couple things that I like about this article.
Casey:
What did you like about this article?
Jeff:
Well, first off, they wanted to contact the mayor of this town and see what he thought of this designation as the unhealthiest city in America, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Huntington…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Which is kind of awesome because it makes me think of Huntington Disease, as well, but…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So Huntington, and this is in West Virginia, the unhealthiest city in America…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
They call up the mayor and say, you know, “Can we talk to you?” And the way they describe him… They don’t even get his name out before they say “who is 5-foot-9 and weighs 233 pounds”. I don’t think they’re going to get the measured response to that that they want.
Casey:
The opening paragraph of this article says, “As a portly woman plodded ahead of him on the sidewalk, the obese mayor of America’s fattest and unhealthiest city explained why health is not a big local issue.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“’It doesn’t come up,’ said David Felinton.”
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Now, the reason it doesn’t come up, I’ll tell you right now, he says, “We’ve got a lot of economic challenges here in Huntington. That’s usually the focus.”
Jeff:
Yep. “Our city budget on gravy alone is astronomical.”
Casey:
And I’m thinking they have to have a lot of extra money spent on policing…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Because if they start having a butt print bandit in this town…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah…
Casey:
We’re talking, like, whole facades, right, will be covered…
Jeff:
No, no, no. He’d go to do the ‘tain’t press and the window just explodes inwards. We’re losing thousands of Dollars. They mention it isn’t just that they’re…
Casey:
“’It doesn’t come up,’ said David Felinton, 5-foot-9 and 233 pounds, as he walked toward City Hall one recent morning.” You know they wanted to put…
Jeff:
Waddled…
Casey:
Panted or… Yeah…
Jeff:
Yeah, waddled towards City Hall as he…
Casey:
“Nearly half the adults in Huntington’s five-county metropolitan area are obese … an astounding percentage, far bigger than the national average in a country with a well-known weight problem.” So I just want to underscore the fact that…
Jeff:
This sounds..
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This sounds like it’s a…
Casey:
Being the most obese place in America…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right… That’s kind of like being the most malnourished place in Ethiopia or something, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like you’re picking some place that already has a massive problem. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
The hottest spot in Death Valley…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you’re one-upping that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re like, “We are the pinnacle of the pinnacle.”
Jeff:
Right. The most fucked up place in Florida, right? That’s kind of what we’re saying.
Casey:
Do they actually have places in Florida that are more fucked up than in other places or they’re just uniformly…
Jeff:
Equally…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, yeah. So the mayor is loaded. But it isn’t just that they’re fat. They also have the highest incidence of 10 diseases and the headliners are, of course, the ones that are related to obesity like heart disease and diabetes and such. But they also… And this is the part that I was surprised at. They are the most toothless…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
City in America, as well, where half of the elderly have lost all of their teeth. So every other person in retirement in Huntington has no teeth at all, zero teeth.
Casey:
I’m trying to find the exact thing in the article here. It’s a pretty long article.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s 2 pages where they’re just like, “This place is fucked up.”
Casey:
As you were talking, I was trying to catch it so I could have it ready when you were trying to say that…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But I keep getting stopped by the incredible condescension…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Of this article…
Jeff:
This reporter is rude…
Casey:
This is over the top. “’The economy needs to pick up so people can afford to get healthy,’ said Ronnie Adkins, 67, a retired policeman, as he sat one recent morning on the smoking porch of the Jolly Pirate Donuts shop…”
Jeff:
So he’s smoking, eating a donut, and then saying, “Look, I can’t…”
Casey:
And the reporter says, “Doughnut shops don’t help either.” The reporter just fucking sticks it in their face. “But breakfast pastry shops aren’t the most common outlets for fatty food. Pizza joints are. They are seemingly on every block in some parts of the city.”
Jeff:
This dude is clearly…
Casey:
“The Huntington phone book lists more pizza places (nearly 200) than the entire state of West Virginia has gyms and health clubs (149).”
Jeff:
This guy had… He’s just going nuts here.
Casey:
“Hot dog places also abound, with the city hosting an annual hot dog festival every summer.” What the hell, okay? They’re hosting an annual hot dog festival.
Jeff:
It’s just…
Casey:
Unreal.
Jeff:
It’s just how they roll in West Virginia. You know, the other thing that I found funny about that is, like, the reporter… I got kind of scared for the reporter because he’s just going around starting shit everywhere…
Casey:
Oh, I know. Jesus.
Jeff:
But then, I figured, “No, he can easily outrun the entire town.” The only way he’d be in trouble is if he was being chased by zombies and he was cornered, right? If all the fatties spread out and funneled him into some place…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Otherwise, he’s just running… No, that’s not true. He’s walking away. He just has to go faster….
Casey:
And they all fall over, yeah…
Jeff:
Than their little cars… Than their little…
Casey:
You think they got the Lark?
Jeff:
What are they called? They’re not the Lark… The little Jimmy’s or…
Casey:
The Lark is one of them.
Jeff:
The Lark is one of them? Alright.
Casey:
It says here that… I want to let you know sort of the plight of the local businesses here…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just so you understand why this is not getting better.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It says that, “’Fastfood has become a staple with many residents convinced they can’t afford to buy healthier food,’ says Keri Kennedy, manager of the state health department’s Office of Healthy Lifestyles.”
Jeff:
Wait…
Casey:
Which I’m sure does not have a whole lot of funding… “Kennedy said she had just seen a commercial that presented ‘The KFC $10 Challenge’. The fried-chicken chain placed a family in a grocery store and challenged them to put together a dinner for $10 or less that was comparable to KFC’s seven-piece, $9.99 value meal. ‘This is what we’re up against,’ said Kennedy, noting it’s an extremely persuasive ad for a low-income family that is accustomed to fried foods. ‘I don’t know what you do to counter that.’”
Jeff:
I was interested to read that they know exactly why they’re so much worse than everybody else. And that was this was a coal mining town. So previously, in previous generations, all of their ancestors ate really heavy, gravy-thick, rich food…
Casey:
Yes, it did say that.
Jeff:
But they worked basically 16-hour a day hard labor in the coal mines…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So they worked that shit off. They needed that much energy.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The coal mines shut down and they turn on the TV and one generation later, it’s like they’re totally blimping out. But… Yeah, it’s crazy. The reporter’s just unbelievable.
Casey:
So that, to me, suggests that the “this is what we’re up against” argument is bogus because I have the solution for you. Cut the fucking power. Cut the power. If they don’t mine the coal and burn it themselves, they cannot watch TV, right? Okay? You’re gonna have to mine the coal that you need for your television…
Jeff:
No, you put a bicycle on the generator.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And they have to pedal it…
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
To watch all the shows…
Casey:
To watch Oprah or whatever the fuck it is.
Jeff:
Or the commercial, the KFC commercial…
Casey:
That’s a good point, the KFC commercial.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They can eat all the fries they want.
Jeff:
Yep. You could just feel the reporter’s disgust. Like, just having to go to the city at all…
Casey:
I think that the… Yeah, I don’t know that it was disgust. It was like, “I’m better than you.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It was condescension, not revulsion.
Jeff:
I read it originally… I felt like the guy was not an American, actually because he kind of…
Casey:
Oh, that could actually be… It’s the Associated Press so it could be a reporter…
Jeff:
Yeah, because the way he wrote like, for a country that has a weight problem, it sounded as if he was not including himself in that sentence.
Casey:
That could be or it could just be someone who’s fucking 400 pounds and doesn’t get it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? He’s huffing along and being like, “Boy, these people are so fat.”
Jeff:
No, I think…
Casey:
Can you pass me that bucket?
Jeff:
I think he was in good shape and he was just going around insulting everybody.
Casey:
And he was loving it?
Jeff:
This is awesome.
Casey:
Maybe they should have this as kind of like a fat amusement park of some kind where people who feel like they’re overweight can go to feel better about themselves.
Jeff:
No, like a renaissance fair only…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Fat town, right?
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like, “Back in 2007, they used to eat buckets of chicken that were soaked in fat.”
Casey:
That’s awesome.
Jeff:
“Really mommy?” “Yeah. And they all died at 38.”
Casey:
That’s gonna be awesome. It’s like Sturbridge Village.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Back in Massachusetts, we had that. You’d go and it was like, “Oh, it’s supposed to be out of the 1600’s or whatever.”
Jeff:
Yep, only it’s gonna all be [inaudible 60:56]
Casey:
Oh, man. That would be awesome.
Jeff:
It’s gonna be awesome, yep.
Casey:
That will be awesome. I look forward to my kids’ kids. I guess I would have to have kids first for that to happen. But then, someday going…
Jeff:
To see…
Casey:
And seeing…
Jeff:
Fat town. Because it will be… That’s the only thing… I mean, that town, they’re all dead in another 10 years. They’re goners.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So we’re gonna have to reopen it as an amusement park, you know… They’d be able to move right in and use the same buildings.
Casey:
There are 2 kinds of these sorts of places. I don’t know if you are familiar with this but for example, since I grew up on the East Coast where…
Jeff:
I’ve never been to one of these.
Casey:
Right. So I grew up on the East Coast where you have all of this history, right? I mean, obviously, you know, California, they’re not gonna have a lot of like, “This is the location where the… You know, Plymouth Rock where the pilgrims landed or whatever…”
Jeff:
While I was in Boston, I went to see Paul Revere’s house.
Casey:
You did?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Wow, that must’ve been almost as exciting as it sounds.
Jeff:
16 kids. He was…
Casey:
Holy shit.
Jeff:
He was working it. He was working it hard.
Casey:
His wife was working it. He didn’t do shit, probably.
Jeff:
Well, wait. He had 2 wives. The first wife just disappeared. No one knows what happened to her.
Casey:
Wow. Yeah, I’m sure she just disappeared.
Jeff:
She just disappeared.
Casey:
Henry VIII style, even…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So he had 8 with one, 8 with the other in this… I don’t know, 4-bedroom house… And…
Casey:
So there’s a lot of Revere’s out there, I imagine. I mean, with that kind of seeding… With the 16-way branch at the outset…
Jeff:
Yep, it was pretty crazy.
Casey:
Jesus.
Jeff:
I don’t know if you remember all the paintings of him riding on his horse, you know…
Casey:
I never saw it. I mean, I’ve seen a picture or 2 but I’ve never seen his house so…
Jeff:
Well, if you just read all the history books…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The [ action form ] he somewhat cuts…
Casey:
That’s not him?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Portly fellow?
Jeff:
Portly…
Casey:
Horse was straining?
Jeff:
He was about 45 when he did that. He looks like a teenager when he…
Casey:
He was on the $9.99 bucket meal the whole time, pretty much?
Jeff:
Yeah. He was visiting Huntington…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
What have you got here? Ye olde doughnut shop.
Casey:
Virginia, you know, was a colony…
Jeff:
Not that far.
Casey:
No problem…
Jeff:
Anyway… Yep, he was a full on pimp.
Casey:
Well, what I was gonna say is there’s 2 types of those reenactment kind of places.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
One is the people stay in character, right…
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
That’s like Plymouth Plantation where u go there and they are actors acting as if they were the actual people.
Jeff:
So do people just fuck with them all day?
Casey:
No, because… You can’t fuck with them because all you get is more doucheyness.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
If you’re like, “Blablabla,” and they’re like, “Wow, that’s a very strange contraption you’re wearing on your wrist there. What is it?”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
You just want to die, right. You just want to roll over and die. So you can’t… Whatever you think you’ll be able to do to fuck with them, it’s just gonna come right back at you as more sucking, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
I see. So you just shut up and get it over with?
Casey:
Shut up and…
Jeff:
If you go to this as part of a school trip…
Casey:
Oh, God… I mean, come on, dude…
Jeff:
Really? I never went to one of these…
Casey:
You know what it’s like. You’ve got somebody wanted to teach history at college or something, never got a PhD, is teaching in some middle school, right, speaking of obesity, is overweight… So they’re really excited about the class field trip to fucking one of these places.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right? And none of us care…
Jeff:
It makes history come alive.
Casey:
It makes history come alive. Right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Not to mention the fact that they don’t know any history.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like having now listened to so many goddamned audio books, I’m like, the history that I was supposedly taught in school is not… And I think the conventional view is that history is taught watered down to preserve America’s image and all that shit in the kids’ eyes and whatever. Okay. Never ascribe to malice what can more easily be attributed to incompetence, okay?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I don’t think that’s it at all. These people just don’t fucking know any history, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And probably neither do the people who wrote these textbooks. They’re just shitting it out the door like a regular shitty math book gets shit out the door, you know… And then, the people teach it. That’s it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I don’t think there’s a big conspiracy to make America look great or anything like this…
Jeff:
In the textbooks…
Casey:
I mean, there’s probably a bad nudge in that direction by the fact that if you shipped a textbook that was like…
Jeff:
We’re a bunch of cocksuckers?
Casey:
Blablabla, like, “Paul Revere’s wife magically disappeared after 8 kids. Hmmm… That’s suspicious.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You know, moving on…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Or like, something that was bad about the founding fathers that you wouldn’t want to have in there… Maybe you’d get upset parents demanding that the textbook was taken out of the school or something like that. So there’s probably a good… The wrong [inaudible 65:29] but I don’t think it’s really getting pushed that hard.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Like, I don’t think there’s some George W. Bush signing statement that’s instructing them to modify textbooks to fix that whole Iraq War problem…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know what I mean? You don’t think that’s what’s happening at all.
Jeff:
They just repeat what they heard.
Casey:
They just don’t fucking know any history.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
These people don’t read very much, I don’t think, at least not enough to do…
Jeff:
And these actors know none at all. They just don’t break character. And if you don’t know…
Casey:
Well, the actors actually know their roles pretty well.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
’Cos my friend and I actually poked at them quite a bit with… We researched a particular person as best as we could…
Jeff:
So you actually were trying to fuck with them?
Casey:
We were trying to see how good they were.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And they were pretty good. Like, they seemed to know their guy pretty well. But at the same time, the internet wasn’t around in those days.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So we could only do so much research with this shit library that we had in our town in the shit school library that we had in our school.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Incidentally, true story, just to underscore the kind of quality high tech education we had in Stow, Massachusetts… Well, actually, technically this would be in Bolton, Massachusetts because our high school was 3 different towns…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The director of our media center… The school got a CD-ROM drive…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
When this was still a thing, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Oh, my God. A computer that reads something other than a floppy, right?
Jeff:
Right. Optical media.
Casey:
Optical media. Brought the class in to explain the CD-ROM drive and the CD-ROM technology and explained to us, in no uncertain terms, that the way that it worked was exactly like a record player, only in depth rather than horizontally.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it was basically going… The laser would to further down into the groove for more of a signal and further up for less of a signal.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But it was still like a wave form. Right?
Jeff:
True.
Casey:
Not that he knew what a fucking wave form was. This guy was an idiot. But in general… And I’m like, “Uh…”
Jeff:
“I don’t think that’s how it works.”
Casey:
Hmmm… So I didn’t actually raise my hand and said anything. But I told my dad after. I was like, “Dad, I don’t think that it works that way because I remember that we talked about this. And that’s not at all the case.”
Jeff:
That just means that the true hacker or super hackers can scratch the CD’s like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
To get really good programs and load it.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
That’s what all that means.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
You just haven’t seen it. They’re just not that good. I find it amazing that when you were in high school, there were CD-ROMs. It’s disgusting, by the way.
Casey:
And most of the people listening to this probably find it amazing that all the computers didn’t have CD-ROMs built in, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, probably.
Casey:
We keep getting older and older. I mean, I feel ancient these days, to be honest with you.
Jeff:
We had 1 Apple 2. One. That’s it.
Casey:
We had a bunch of IBM PC’s 46’s. We used to play “Doom” on them and he used to get so pissed at us because we would always be in the computer center when we weren’t supposed to be, playing “Doom”, which was awesome.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
It was awesome.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Why? It was so cool.
Jeff:
Oh, you guys with your crazy network 46’s.
Casey:
I know. It was great.
Jeff:
That’s pretty crazy.
Casey:
It was totally great. The best part is they had this whole computer lab with all these… Like, Digital Equipment Incorporation, right, which was a big deal back then…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They were kind of on their way out at this point but they were a very wealthy company up until the late 80’s, when they started to kind of go downhill, right? I mean, once the early 90’s with personal computers and stuff was big, then they had no place in the world, basically…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But they were all around. I mean, they were headquartered in the town next to where I grew up in this old mill.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So they typically would give donations to the schools in the area. And they had an old VAX.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Right? Like a running VMS. And this was awesome because they switched over the report cards to being done on the VAX but, like, VMS is serious business, right? Like, that’s a real sys admin’s job, just like Unix right? It’s not like a Macintosh or something, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You have to kind of know what you’re doing. They don’t even know how to use it, at all.
Jeff:
So report cards went out really late?
Casey:
Oh, God. Yes. Like, weeks after they were supposed to go out sometimes…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Because it was our Physics teacher who was the one who knew how to do it. And so, it was always the case that we wouldn’t have Physics class for 5 days…
Jeff:
While he’s struggling with the VAX?
Casey:
No Physics class. He’d show up at the beginning of class and be like, “Read this section. Do some problems.” And he’d be out of there. And the dude was so… He had this huge beer gut, too. And one side of his shirt was always untucked, right. He had this crazy white hair… He was fucked up.
Jeff:
Well, no, that’s the style now. He was just really ahead of his time.
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
You gotta do the half tucked, half in…
Casey:
No, he was not ahead of his time, at all.
Jeff:
No?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
He’s VAX man, huh? Wow, that’s pretty hardcore right there.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I can just imagine him going in. He puts on battle gear and he’s like…
Casey:
Yeah, totally… That’s what it was in his mind, I’m sure.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then sits down and, like, “I am victorious.” And he has a stack of a hundred…
Casey:
Except he wasn’t ever victorious. I mean, I don’t remember all the awesomeness of the report cards. But it would not be an exaggeration to say that at some point, someone probably got a report card that said, you know, “Your grade in AQX74##! Class was Frog”. It was just complete garbage on the thing. I’m sure that happened all the time. Classes you didn’t take, I’m sure you got grades for those. Classes you did take you didn’t get credit for… All of these wonderful…
Jeff:
I got a Syntax error in Math.
Casey:
That’s right. “I’m so proud of you, darling. I don’t even know what that is.” The kids probably made shit up.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“It’s like highest honors.”
Jeff:
Right. Syntax error, man…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I’m graduating with Syntax error.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Awesome. Wow, that’s pretty crazy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That is pretty crazy.
Casey:
No, I had awesome… We should do high school stories one time.
Jeff:
I have a few stories.
Casey:
My high school had at least one person die (usually more than one) every year from extraordinary circumstances.
Jeff:
That’s so weird.
Casey:
Extraordinary circumstances like… And I’m not making these up. You know, rare disease or a semi-rare disease…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Hand grenade… Again, not making this up. I’m sorry. I don’t know if it was a hand grenade or mortar. Hand grenade or mortar… An explosive army device…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Actually owned by the US Army, as well.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Official Army device, I’ll put it that way.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Collapsed goal post, which I thought was unique at the time. Turns out, it’s not.
Jeff:
It happens all the time?
Casey:
I read a news story… Well, not all the time. I thought it was singular.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, what the fuck are the chances of that? The best part was they were on the goal post, I think. Somehow it collapsed…
Jeff:
Well, that’s what I imagined would happen, usually.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Like, you climb up, it tips over, and then…
Casey:
Yes. These are the kinds of things… Then we had some mundane ones like got hit by a car or drunk driving…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Like, ones that were not so… Mind you…
Jeff:
Gas emission in class?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Mind you, this school was 600 kids.
Jeff:
Wow. So you guys just had some crazy odds there.
Casey:
Yeah. The best part is, just to get totally morbid on you… So the town did not have an emergency service of any kind, right…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because it’s a very small town, right. So typically, the ambulances or whatever… And there was no hospitals anywhere there. So the ambulances would come from 30 minutes away, pick up whatever…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And go back…
Jeff:
The latest thing…
Casey:
Special bonus to sort of… I don’t know, help with this or however you want to put it. . . There were students.. One of the things you could do if you were considering a career in the medical profession like you’re gonna be a doctor or something like this, right?
Jeff:
Right. To fix all the people that are dying…
Casey:
Well, yeah.
Jeff:
That’s your practice.
Casey:
You could do this afterschool program. It was pretty serious and intensive where you would train to be an EMT and you’d go out as the first responder because, hey, like some idiot kid who knows rudimentary how to hold the neck up and bandage you and get you on a stretcher or whatever is better than waiting around for an hour for some ambulance to show up, right?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
What that means is the kids from our high school responded to the exploded kid from our high school.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
They had to go pick up pieces of this kid’s body.
Jeff:
And then hold on to them?
Casey:
That is fucked up.
Jeff:
That is pretty crazy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“It’s gonna be okay, Jimmy.”
Casey:
Oh, man.
Jeff:
“It’s gonna be fine.”
Casey:
Oh, man. See, now we’ll be getting hate mail if anyone I know is listening to this program. “How could you be so insensitive?”
Jeff:
’Cos that was serious business?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
If you can’t laugh about death 20 years after, 10 years, 15 years after that… How the fuck long have I been out of…
Jeff:
Are they still… Is there still crazy things happening? Bunsen burner explosions?
Casey:
I have no idea…
Jeff:
Drowning in the toilets…
Casey:
A Bunsen burner explosion almost happened because our valedictorian and salutatorian… Whatever you call the 2 highest…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Grade ranking people, I believe…
Jeff:
Number 1 and bitter loser…
Casey:
I think they were, or close…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It was the # 1 and # 2 or 3, somewhere in there, right… But definitely # 1… Unscrewed all the gas gets in the Physics lab one time and took them home.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Thankfully, the master switch was off.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So everyone didn’t die of a horrible explosion or [inaudible 75:14] presumably, you’d smell it because they usually dope that shit.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
Right. We had so many awesome things.
Jeff:
That is pretty crazy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So your high school…
Casey:
Oh, trampled by a horse… I forgot trampled by a horse.
Jeff:
You said it like, oh, it was just a thing, trampled by a horse.
Casey:
Well, that’s because it eventually kind of is, right? It’s ridiculous. Freshman year — Kid explodes with mortar. How do you top that, right? Nothing that’s gonna happen to you in life that is death-related…
Jeff:
You peaked early.
Casey:
Is gonna freak you out at that point, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I mean, what are the chances that you’re gonna see something or be involved in something where someone dies that’s gonna be weirded than that in your life. Very low.
Jeff:
Horse trample? Pfft…
Casey:
And so then it was like, yeah…
Jeff:
Been there. Done that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Hindenburg explosion?
Casey:
Mortar explosion, trampled by a horse, rare disease, collapsed goal post, hit by a drunk driver, car accident with bicycle…
Jeff:
Meteoroid…
Casey:
Etcetera, etcetera…
Jeff:
Boring…
Casey:
I’m probably leaving some out. Yeah, it’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
That is pretty crazy.
Casey:
So, I don’t know. Someone should write a memoir at some point…
Jeff:
Explaining all these…
Casey:
Who remembers these things better than I do just because I sometimes forget and would like to read and be like, “God, that was so weird.” And I can’t remember them all sometimes.
Jeff:
Yes, I don’t think I know of anything…
Casey:
Oh, I forgot one little special rider on that. The collapsed goal post, the dead from collapsed goal post was because they were outside at a recess that was called special because someone died the previous day.
Jeff:
Oh, goddamn it.
Casey:
I swear to fucking God. You can call anyone from my high school. I’m not making this up.
Jeff:
We’re not having any more meetings. Meetings are canceled.
Casey:
Shit. That’s right.
Jeff:
It’s over. I don’t care if they’re grieving.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Fuck ‘em.
Casey:
That’s right. “So no more recesses. That’s it. We’re done.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“Everyone go home. There’s no more school. School’s over. We canceled school for the rest of the century.” We’re done. Come back in the year 2000.
Jeff:
The teachers were probably scared. The teachers were like, “Fuck, I’m next.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
No, they’re just worried, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“These are the most jinxed kids I’ve ever seen.”
Casey:
Absolutely.
Man:
Pretty much, this is a horror movie. There’s some…
Jeff:
Yeah, this is “Final Destination”.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
This is “Final Destination 3” in high school. Right.
Casey:
How did we not suspect anyone? You know what, the whole time, I never suspected foul play?
Jeff:
Yeah. It never even came up. Maybe it was you…
Casey:
It just shows you the kind of innocence…
Jeff:
Maybe you have a split personality…
Casey:
Maybe when I’m like “Fight Club”.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And I wake up in the night… Of course, all of these things happened usually when I was somewhere verifiable. So I’d have to be a more devious criminal mastermind, like one who sets things up to happen, I guess.
Jeff:
Yep. Crazy devices?
Casey:
I guess.
Jeff:
Saw halfway through the goal post…
Casey:
Right, like 10 little Indians…
Jeff:
So it’s sitting there balanced and, “Hey, buddy. Why don’t you climb up there.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I’m gonna go down the [ malted shop ].”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You go there…
Casey:
Yep, exactly.
Jeff:
It was a tragic [ news ].
Casey:
Could’ve been. I don’t know. I certainly don’t remember having anything to do with that but…
Jeff:
We’re gonna have to get some fingerprints and butt prints…
Casey:
Yeah, tae my butt print…
Jeff:
Compare them…
Casey:
Compare my butt print, please…
Jeff:
To the bandit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, we are so out of time.
Casey:
We’ll fix it in post.
Jeff:
What am I gonna cut out. It’s all gold, Casey. It’s all gold.
Casey:
It’s all gold? You think it’s all gold? Where are we at on the podcast?
Jeff:
We’re at 82 minutes. I’m already gonna have to cut out 3 minutes. So we need to wrap this up.
Casey:
Do you want to do a 2-parter? Or is it too much?
Jeff:
Too much. I’m not gonna be able to… I’m already very scared that this one’s gonna be ruined by my constant coughing. So you have enough time to say email us…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
At Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com…
Casey:
Well, hopefully, we’ll be able to cut that down, yeah. Well, thank you very much for listening to another delightful episode of the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
As always…
Jeff:
Are we gonna have to paste in the phone number again?
Casey:
I don’t remember the phone number, ever.
Jeff:
Alright. Right here…
Casey:
Actually, Jeff, do this. Wait a second. Do this. Go online (and not right now) but I mean do this for when you do the editing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Go online and get one of those automated speech programs to recite the phone number.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, “4-2-5…” You know, whatever it is… And paste that in here, okay… So automated voice…
Jeff:
Maybe I’ll just make myself do that.
Casey:
Here.
Automated voice:
424-296-3012.
Jeff:
And we’re back.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So do that or, as always, you can email Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com with a Good/No Good suggestions, stories, topics, anything you like…
Jeff:
Crazy, outlandish deaths that Casey may or may not have associated with…
Casey:
Yes, been a part of in high school and so on.
Jeff:
And we will see you all next week.
Casey:
Oh, and Jeff made his own animal link. I’ll tell you about that next time.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
Okay, bye.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 42
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