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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Rubbing a Bitch's Teat with Love
"I vote 'neigh'."
Original air date: November 24th, 2008
Topics. The Twinkie Defense. Jeff and Casey’s Rainbow Hour. Sweden. Swedish beastiality ring. Zoophilia. Penetrating the network. She backed into me. Life finds a way. Rainforest Cafe. Donkey Man. Neigh means neigh. Animal fucking XP. Swedish Agricultural Minister. The WHAT? Test. Teat rub. Genitalia smear. Realtor house repossessions. Mailing yourself out of jail. Metal Gear Solid. Nazism returns. Van Halen minute. Rodney King. Blocked in China. The Price of Celebrity. Milli Vanilli. Divorce. Seattle’s original sewer system. The AT&T store. The DMV. Prepaid minutes. To Catch a Predator. Bad life decisions. Fuck-up dominos. Dale Chihuly. Frank Gehry. Timeless eyesores.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Okay, everybody. We are back in the second half of…
Casey:
Yeah. And by back, we mean back to you because we actually never left.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
This is all recorded at the same time.
Jeff:
So it’s no big deal for us.
Casey:
So we are “back”…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Meaning we’re still here.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So I actually have a confession to make…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which is that I previously, at some… I don’t even remember which podcast it was… Possibly on more than one, I think, actually… I attributed the fact that I say a bunch of shit that I will surely regret at some point in my life to the fact that I was drinking a lot of caffeine before the podcast.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which was true. That is actually true that I was drinking a lot of caffeine. Unfortunately, I have not drank any caffeine in months, actually…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I think the last time I had a caffeinated beverage was probably before I went to Japan…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
To be honest with you…
Jeff:
So what are you blaming it on?
Casey:
So now, it is true that I have a lot of sugar before the…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I drink a couple sodas. I have some treats and so on here…
Jeff:
You know what…
Casey:
I have a lot of sugar.
Jeff:
It’s not that.
Casey:
That’s the only thing. Now…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
What I will say… Hold on a second. What I will say is that when I do eat sugar, I get very hot. Like, I am fucking burning to the touch right now, okay.
Jeff:
Oh, I thought you meant attractive.
Casey:
No. No.
Sean:
Sweet sweats…
Casey:
Yes, I get sweet sweats.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I get sweet sweats. Sean Barrett in the studio audience for part 2, as well, pointing out the fact that these are sweet sweats, not meat sweats…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is the thing that you were trying to forward as a theory, that you get sweats when you eat red meat or something like this.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which I don’t.
Jeff:
Well, no. See, I don’t think it’s sugar. I think we just have spectacularly poor judgment, you know?
Casey:
Well, that’s for fucking sure.
Jeff:
Yeah. We’re not…
Casey:
It’s a Twinkie defense, though. I am using the Twinkie defense.
Jeff:
Wait. Yes…
Casey:
Remember that dude who, like, used the Twinkie defense? He’s like, “I had a Twinkie,” and the sugar made him crazy?
Jeff:
Dude, we are never gonna…
Casey:
If you can get off in court on that, I should be able to say that that’s why I’m saying these things.
Jeff:
We are never getting elected… We are never…
Casey:
Well, that’s for fucking sure.
Jeff:
Yeah. We are never… We are destroying personal…
Casey:
“I’m a nocturnal atheist. Vote for me.” Like, you can just stop right there, pretty much, right? It’s like…
Jeff:
We are destroying business and personal relationships on a weekly basis.
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
We are offending the religious…
Casey:
Well, that’s fine.
Jeff:
Yes, the sexually repressed…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
The sexually pressed, the…
Casey:
We can be re- or just regular pressed…
Jeff:
Yep. We get them all on a weekly basis. Yet, we still manage to have a huge following of almost no people.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Because somehow, we don’t manage to offend them.
Casey:
I don’t know how we…
Jeff:
And yet we’re working on it.
Casey:
We’re trying to find out…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This whole show has been an exercise to see if you can offend absolutely everyone. But obviously, there are some set of people who the only way that you can offend them is by not offending anyone regularly.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Like, they would probably not listen to Jeff & Casey's Rainbow Hour.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
I see. I see.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, there’s a unicorn in the studio right now and it’s delightful.”
Jeff:
Which means you just did offend them. So that’s everybody…
Casey:
That’s right. There we go. It’s over.
Jeff:
We’re talking to ourselves right now.
Casey:
Now, there will be zero downloads next week.
Jeff:
Yep, exactly.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Shit. Dave sent us this news link — “Swedish Bestiality Ring Exposed”.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying… That’s right in our strike zone. That’s like…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That’s right there.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Swedish…
Casey:
Animals, Swedish, animal testicles or other… Whatever…
Jeff:
Yep. Boy…
Casey:
You know, sex…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Pornography, probably…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s everything the Jeff & Casey Show… Like, “Swedish Bestiality Ring Exposed” is right in the wheel house. It’s the definition…
Jeff:
The Markov Model…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s like, [ bags ]…
Casey:
Right, exactly…
Jeff:
Right? Ding, ding… Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Chances are the Markov Model is so accurate on this that we don’t need to do a segment. We just say, “Swedish Bestiality Ring Exposed”, and then listeners (in their own heads) already know everything we’re gonna say.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re like, “Yep, we’ve got it.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“We’ve got it, guys.”
Jeff:
Done.
Casey:
“Next topic.” But it’s not gonna be the next topic ‘cos I’m actually gonna read this. “A Swedish newspaper has exposed a network of self-proclaimed zoophiles…”
Jeff:
Exposed?
Casey:
“Who meet regularly in locations around the country to have sex with animals.” Nothing weird, so far.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
“The group, consisting of an estimated thirty people, is headed by a 45-year-old father of two. The unmarried former managing director is also moderator of a large internet animal sex forum and has a number of dogs and horses on his farm in southern Sweden.” Now, I like the juxtaposition of that sentence, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They didn’t have to say anything else there. They were just like. . .
Jeff:
They put it there…
Casey:
“Blablablablabla… And has a number of dogs and horses…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“If you know what I mean (nudge nudge)…”
Jeff:
Nudge nudge. Wink wink.
Casey:
Yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Having infiltrated the network over a period of several months, expressing…
Jeff:
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait… Infiltrated the network…
Sean:
I think it’s kinda [inaudible 5:11]
Jeff:
Yes, the network would…
Casey:
Sean Barrett in the studio. That is added… Perhaps he penetrated the network more than infiltrated it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And is that the job for the rookie, right? Like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, you just got out of the Police Academy…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
And if you want to solve major crimes….
Casey:
Okay, sorry. Just a piece of information you don’t have..
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That did not allow you to construct the correct joke here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It said at the top that the newspaper infiltrated the ring.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Not the police.
Jeff:
This was a reporter? Awesome.
Casey:
So, someone has to wonder…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What reporter is all about going undercover in an animal sex ring.
Jeff:
Yes. Like, one guy’s like, “You know what? I want to talk about… I want to try to get in with my [inaudible 6:01] sources.
Casey:
So I saw this internet forum. I just randomly saw it…
Jeff:
No, no…
Casey:
On Fred’s computer…
Jeff:
I know I have it…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Some dude was one that forum.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The IT, you know, web logs caught them…
Casey:
Oh, God. And he was like, [ “I’m doing research for a story.” ]
Jeff:
“I’m penetrating the story…” And then jumped in and then he was fucking stuck.
Casey:
Right. Now, he has to narc on his friends on the forum.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Oh, poor guy.
Jeff:
It may not have been his friends. He may have just been interested in [ FarmAnimal.com ]…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And now, he’s like… And so I imagine, as he’s sitting there…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, fucking the chicken…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Taking notes…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Discreetly, right, about what was going on…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So he can do his story…
Casey:
He’s like…
Jeff:
He’s like, “I hate my fucking life.”
Casey:
No, he’s probably like, “I sure hope there are a lot more of these rings that need someone to go undercover.”
Jeff:
“Pulitzer, here I come.”
Casey:
Exactly. So, Pulitzer is actually how you say that… Anyway, “Having infiltrated the network over a period of several months, Expressen,” (that’s the guy’s name), “eventually confronted the 45-year-old over his alleged mistreatment of animals. But the man was quick to defend his relations with a bitch he bought online from a city-dwelling family who said they wanted the dog to have a better life in the countryside, saying, ‘Any of the times I did anything with her she was the one who backed into me and provoked it.’”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“’She was in heat and made herself available.’”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“’There were also times later when she didn’t want to and then I backed out immediately.’”
Jeff:
I see. So what he’s saying is she was asking for it.
Casey:
She was asking for it.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
The dog was asking for it.
Jeff:
Right, she was wearing a short skirt… Makeup…
Casey:
“She backed into me…”
Jeff:
Right, right…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“She just backed up…”
Casey:
“She just backed right into me.”
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
I don’t even know what the fuck that means but he said, “She backed into me.”
Jeff:
So any parent that ever uses the excuse that, like, “Oh, we took Lucky out to the farm so that he can have a better life…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay, Lucky…
Casey:
Your dog is getting raped, okay? Let’s be clear about this here. A “better life in the countryside” involves some no teeth farmer getting backed into by your former family dog.
Jeff:
Yep. Yeah.
Casey:
From now on, [ you can’t even ] say, like, “Oh, we sent the kid to the farm,” instead of telling the kids that the dog died, right?
Jeff:
Yes. Hopefully, you didn’t send the kids to the farm…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Send the dog to the farm…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly… Hopefully… Right, yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Whoops, my bad, wait…”
Casey:
“Look, she backed into me, alright.”
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
“I don’t know what you expect me to do. I mean, I can’t help… I don’t want to be rude here, okay.”
Jeff:
Exactly. She was asking for it.
Casey:
Someone’s all backing into me…
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
I mean, it’s like, what else are you gonna do? It’s like a common social courtesy if someone is backing into you, you give it to them unless she’s not into it, in which case, you back out immediately.
Jeff:
Yeah, you back out immediately.
Casey:
I don’t know how you do things in Sweden. But here in the States, that’s just the way that it goes.
Jeff:
Well, following all the cardinal directions, there’s the other thing where you get a dog on the farm for fucking…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The dog’s a shitty lay, right?
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
So, you send it to the city, right?
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
And you tell your kids…
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
You can’t put your dog down. You sent it to the city…
Casey:
You sent it to the city…
Jeff:
To have a non-raping life, right?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
And the kids are all like, “Awww… How sad.”
Casey:
Yeah, it’s so sad.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Remember how she used to back into us?”
Jeff:
How does a dog… I’ve never seen a dog walk backwards.
Casey:
I know. It’s not a delivery truck.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
It doesn’t put on a beeper…
Jeff:
It doesn’t start beeping…
Casey:
It’s like, “Beep, beep, beep…”
Jeff:
“Beep, beep, beep…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Ass. Available. Yes.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s just like he made it sound like a chore, too.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, shit, I was gonna go chop some wood but the dog backed into me and there’s 25 minutes of dog fucking I’ve got to do before I can get back to the chores…”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Let’s see… Here’s my list of chores.”
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
“Mow the back 42. Rape the dog. ‘Milk’ the cow.”
Casey:
“Now, did you rape the cow yet today?” “Oh, no. Sorry. My bad. Yeah, I didn’t have a chance to today. You know what, and she wasn’t backing into me like she normally does.”
Jeff:
Yeah, “I don’t think she was into it.”
Casey:
“Something’s wrong with Bessie. She doesn’t back into me like she used to.” Alright, anyway, I’d like to hear the “backing into it” rap song, like some kind of Swedish rap song…
Jeff:
I’ll find it for the…
Casey:
Like, “She Backed Into Me”…
Jeff:
I’ll find it for the musical numbers.
Casey:
Yeah, “Back into me”. Alright, I have no idea where the hell I was in the story. There’s too much to say about that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright. “During the time spent with members of the network, Expressen learned that the group regularly brought along a range of different animals to ‘sex meetings’ at rented premises. There, members of the group filmed their sexual encounters and distributed them to other animal sex enthusiasts.” So this was actually a animal sex/pornography ring.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
At that point, right?
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I mean, if you’re filming it and distributing it, I don’t… And I guess unless you’re not charging money…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, even if you’re not, it’s still that, right? It’s a porn ring. It’s an animal porn ring.
Jeff:
Are they, like, watching… I mean, how do they know how to fuck all these weird animals, right? Are they watching David Attenborough to go…
Casey:
To quote you on the last Good/No Good where you claimed that, like, an alligator and a parakeet would fuck and end up having some mutant baby that takes over the town, life finds a way, Jeff.
Jeff:
Okay, I see.
Casey:
Alright? Some Border Collie starts backing into your shit and you know what to do. Your hindbrain will take over.
Jeff:
Yep, exactly.
Casey:
And you won’t be able to satisfy her, okay?
Jeff:
Somehow… Yep.
Casey:
Yeah. Anyway, moving on, “At one meeting in a small village in Sm_land,” I don’t know how to pronounce this…
Jeff:
Do you think they meet at, like, The Hilton in the George Washington Room?
Casey:
I’m going with the Rainforest Café, personally. But I’m just trying to go by a criteria that they might find exciting. “Boy, I wish I could get that little mounted head on the wall thing back to my place. Those lips are fully anima-tronic.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“Hey, anyone know how to burn an EPROM in here?” Anyway, “At one meeting in a small village in Sm_land, five men waited for a woman who had promised to bring along two dogs. But when she was unable to make it to the meeting, the men spoke instead of their experiences, including a previous visit to a colleague they referred to as…”
Jeff:
Come on. Hold it together.
Casey:
In quotes…
Jeff:
In quotes, of course…
Casey:
“’Donkey man’. ‘He has a goat and a couple of donkeys. We tried with a donkey but it didn’t work. But we did have sex with the goat,’ one of the men told Expressen.”
Jeff:
That sounds like a mad…
Casey:
No further details.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I guess the donkey wasn’t backing into him or whatever…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Maybe he was kicking. Maybe he was putting up too much of a fight.
Jeff:
Yeah. Neigh means nay. Wait, so…
Casey:
I vote “Neigh.”
Jeff:
Exactly. What I don’t get is… Like…
Casey:
What you don’t get… Like, everything else in the article so far has been crystal fucking clear…
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah…
Casey:
There’s just one point that you’re stuck on.
Jeff:
Right, I’m stuck on…
Casey:
Just a hang-up.
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s a hang-up.
Casey:
Alright, what is it?
Jeff:
Like, the man I assume invites them over, donkey man…
Casey:
Donkey man?
Jeff:
Invites them over…
Casey:
We shall call him donkey man.
Jeff:
Right. He’s called donkey man yet it’s the goat that puts out. Why isn’t he goat man?
Casey:
That’s right. He should be goat man.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s not donkey man.
Jeff:
Maybe goat man was taken on the forum…
Casey:
That’s exactly… Yeah.
Jeff:
By this old dude that’s not posting anymore…
Casey:
No, he’s not.
Jeff:
But, like, donkey man is all that’s available.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Donkey man doesn’t put out. It’s embarrassing…
Casey:
Maybe he’s called donkey man because he’s the only one who so far has been able to fuck the donkey.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right? Everyone else is on goat still, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, “Level 1, level 2…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You haven’t got enough Animal Fucking XP yet to hit the donkey…
Jeff:
Exactly. Right.
Casey:
Whether she’s backing into it or not…
Jeff:
And all the guys are driving there…
Casey:
So stick with the goat. Yeah.
Jeff:
Hoping they’re gonna level up this time… It’s very frustrating…
Casey:
Yeah, they’re not leveling up yet. It’s like, “Oh, yeah. You just have to go through the forest…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Killing spiders…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Until you’re good enough. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So the goat is that.
Jeff:
And then they all go home, disappointed with the case of…
Casey:
Some goat-fucking noob, again, can’t even do a donkey…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Is trying go on a raid with us to this barn…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Which is not gonna fucking work, dude.
Jeff:
Exactly…
Casey:
It’s not gonna work.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway…
Jeff:
So they all drive home with a case of donkey balls…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Because they only got the goat…
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “Man, what a tease that donkey was. It’s just no good.” “Previous calls for a law banning…” And here’s where we really hit the stride, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like… Okay, so far, you’re like, “Oh, it’s just some people with some fucked up opinions about sex in some porno…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You know, inhumane goat-fucking ring or whatever…
Jeff:
Or humane.
Casey:
But here’s where we take a turn for the worse…
Jeff:
Wait. Here’s where we…
Casey:
Here’s where it gets worse. “Previous calls for a law banning sex with animals have fallen on deaf ears. Agriculture Minister Eskil Erlandsson,” who I’m betting at this point, having read the article, has an account on this forum…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Outraged many observers earlier this year with a graphic defence of existing animal abuse laws, in which he presented examples of the difficulties faced by courts when trying to differentiate affection from abuse.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
“’Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog, in order to allow the dog to lick off whatever is spread on the genitalia?’”
Jeff:
Wait, wait, wait…
Casey:
I ask you…
Jeff:
That’s the government official that said that?
Casey:
That is the agricultural minister.
Jeff:
Holy shit.
Casey:
You want to smear something on your balls that a dog likes to lick.
Jeff:
Right. Yep.
Casey:
What’s inhumane about that? Okay…
Jeff:
Yeah, it seems totally reasonable.
Casey:
Is it abuse?
Jeff:
Right. If I happen to like it, too…
Casey:
[inaudible 16:05]
Jeff:
It’s alright…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like peanut butter.
Casey:
Everyone wins, okay.
Jeff:
It’s a win-win situation.
Casey:
It’s a win-win scenario. And your laws that you’re passing to try and prevent people from fucking donkey man’s farm animals…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Are interfering with this licking situation…
Jeff:
It’s just affection.
Casey:
That Swedish people have enjoyed for years.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
Apparently…
Casey:
Our founding fathers…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Specifically created a constitution such that a licking thing like that… That, you know, animals could lick the balls of humans and the government couldn’t step in there and ruin it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
What’s the problem?
Casey:
What’s the problem?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I have no idea what the problem is.
Jeff:
Yeah, that is pretty sick. So you know, the thing is I don’t think that line between affection and abuse is really that fuzzy.
Casey:
I don’t think so, either. It seems to me that the accompanying court of law could probably be able to determine that without too much of an expensive litmus test.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, for example, if the court’s gonna be, like, “You did what to the dog?”
Jeff:
Bam! Right.
Casey:
That’s probably where we draw that line.
Jeff:
That’s the “What Test”.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, the “What Test”.
Jeff:
Yep, exactly.
Casey:
Because here’s the thing, okay. I understand what the guy is saying when he’s saying the dog was into it, okay.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Dogs will fuck anything, okay. Saying the dog was into it is the reason why it wasn’t abuse…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Is not sufficient in my mind.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It is not a sufficient criteria.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’ve seen dogs hump completely inanimate objects, alright? They are indiscriminate.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Simply saying that something will fuck anything is not the same as saying it was not abused if you were fucking it.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly. Well, I think the other awesome thing about that is dogs don’t need peanut butter on their balls to lick their dick. It’s like, they can bend around. It will be licked.
Casey:
Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. They were talking about spreading it on the humans.
Jeff:
Holy shit. I assumed it was…
Casey:
You misread that.
Jeff:
I did.
Casey:
Let me read it to you again. “’Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog,” not the dog…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
If you were talking about the same animal…
Jeff:
If the genitalia belonged to the dog…
Casey:
Okay, so wait…
Jeff:
You would not say “to a dog”…
Casey:
Wait, wait, wait…
Jeff:
Right. So let’s break this down. Like, let’s deconstruct this sentence as you would in English class.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So read the sentence again carefully.
Casey:
“’Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog, in order to allow the dog to lick off whatever is spread on the genitalia?’”
Jeff:
I see. So… Wow…
Casey:
It didn’t say “on its genitalia”…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It didn’t say “the dog”. It didn’t say “the dog’s genitalia”. It is clearly about genitalia…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The general case…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Whether that be on you or me or someone else entirely.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
But it is clearly not the same animal as is doing the licking.
Jeff:
I understand. That’s one of those carefully-constructed sentences…
Casey:
Very carefully-constructed sentences…
Jeff:
In political circles…
Casey:
That’s true…
Jeff:
That, like, if you get it passed, it enables all these other things…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Awesome. Alright, did he go on?
Casey:
He did go on. “’Should it be permitted to stroke a bitch’s teats with love, or should it be classified as animal sexual abuse?’ the minister wondered.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Wondering aloud…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He was sort of, you know, expounding at this point…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Just being like, “I’m not sure… I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
Jeff:
You know, the funny thing about the first part of that sentence, you could say… And I would have no idea without context whether that was the Swedish minister of agriculture or whether it was just some random rapper.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Is it wrong [ to grope ] a bitch’s teats…
Casey:
Yes, is it? Is it?
Jeff:
And we don’t know.
Casey:
We don’t know.
Jeff:
Is there a Swedish accent? We’d have to ask to determine who was speaking at that point.
Casey:
Well, “According to the Swedish Animal Welfare Agency, 115 cases of bestiality were reported in the years 2000 to 2005. Despite indications that many of the animals had sustained injuries, none of the reports led to criminal charges.” Not surprising considering the agriculture minister is unclear as to whether a teat rub or a genitalia smear (if I’m using the correct terms here)…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Pardon me if I don’t have the exact language down… Is abuse or not…
Jeff:
Yep. Yeah, it is confusing. They probably need some strict guidelines ‘cos there’s affectionate things you might do…
Casey:
I would’ve asked the agriculture minister to tell me an act that is definitely abuse to the animal.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Can you not think of any?
Jeff:
Right, right…
Casey:
Because if the dog was into it…
Jeff:
Exactly…
Casey:
Then it’s fine.
Jeff:
Give me something that you find offensive. Right.
Casey:
I mean, the whole point of this is that unlike with humans, there’s no way to communicate with animals in any kind of real way that’s like, “Hey, by the way, you don’t have to fuck this guy if you don’t want to…”
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
They don’t know that. This is the dude that provides their food.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
That’s at very least a sexual harassment. . .
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If not abuse, right?
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
It’s unclear whether or not I’m still gonna get supper if I don’t fucking lick the shit off this guy’s balls, right? At that point, it’s pretty clear to me that there is, at the very least…
Jeff:
Harassment…
Casey:
A fuzzy relationship…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Between the 2…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That I think needs some kind of protection for the animal, alright?
Jeff:
Right. You need some workplace standards, right?
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
To the dog, when you’re out there in the barn, that’s where he works, right? It seems clear that sexual harassment applies there…
Casey:
Yes. That donkey is probably fulfilling a barnyard need…
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Right? Donkey man’s donkey…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, it seems to me like replace anywhere where you said animal with retarded person… If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s abuse, right? If a retarded person is backing up into you and you fuck her, there’d be no fucking question. You just go, “Abuse!” Right? And that seems to be clear, the line that needs to be placed.
Casey:
But she likes to lick it off the genitalia.
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
Clearly. No one told her to do it…
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Wow, Sweden… You know, the crazy thing is we have such a Swedish following in listeners…
Casey:
We do?
Jeff:
Yes. We have…
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yes, we do. We have many Swedish listeners. And maybe one of them is part of this ring and they can clear it up for us. Again, because this is so part of the Jeff & Casey strike zone…
Casey:
That’s right. That’s true.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s right down the center.
Jeff:
Yep. Hey, I’ll tell you a quick little side story about money. My friend, [ Kyre ], is always asking me, like, “Okay, is it time to buy a house yet? Is it time to buy a house yet?” And he’s looking in crazy places like…
Casey:
The answer is no.
Jeff:
You’re right. The answer is no.
Casey:
Also, Jonathan Blow was asking, “Is it time to buy a house yet?”
Jeff:
Yes. And…
Casey:
The answer’s also no.
Jeff:
And [ Kyre with had the best one, you know. He wanted to buy in Miami. I’m like, “Oh, my God. No.” And so I’m like, “Stop it. Stop it.”
Casey:
So you want a house that will be devalued and underwater?
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Sounds good.
Jeff:
Yep. So we hung out together to go to the game. And he mentioned… I said, “Hey, have you still been checking out houses in Florida?” And he said, “No. My realtor’s been really busy.” And I go, “Really? She’s selling stuff?” And he goes, “No. Her house was repossessed.” His realtor’s house…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
His realtor lost her house. Yeah. So when that…
Casey:
Pro tip — Try not to buy real estate in a market where your realtor’s house has been repossessed.
Jeff:
Yep, that is…
Casey:
Not a good buying signal.
Jeff:
Yep. That is a canary… That isn’t just the canary has died in the cage down in the coal…
Casey:
That’s like canaries have become extinct, the whole fucking species.
Jeff:
They started exploding, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And feathers shoot out…
Casey:
Feathers everywhere… Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s pretty much a bad sign when your canaries explode. So yeah, that was…
Casey:
You wake up in the morning and the canary’s already dead. Like, you haven’t taken it to the mine. You haven’t done anything.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
You wake up and all the canaries are dead.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And it’s like, “Huh… What are we gonna take down to the mine today?”
Jeff:
Well, who sent us the inmate story? Was that [ Juan ]?
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
That’s…
Casey:
You changed gears on me there. No, [ Juan Chan ] from New York City, of course… He wrote in with this story that he thought would be good for the podcast, and I agree. The title of the story is “Inmate…” Oh, and by the way, he titled it in a way that you would like which is, “This Week in Germany”.
Jeff:
Oh, awesome. Okay. “This Week in Germany”.
Casey:
And the title of the news article is “Inmate Escapes German Jail in Box”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It says, “A manhunt is under way in western Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail. The 42-year-old Turkish citizen (who was serving a seven-year sentence) had been making stationery with other prisoners destined for the shops. At the end of his shift, the inmate climbed into a cardboard box and was taken out of prison by express courier.”
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
“His whereabouts are still unknown.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“The chief warden of the jail told the BBC this was an embarrassing incident.”
Jeff:
Indeed.
Casey:
Okay. Coming clean there.
Jeff:
Yep, the warden, Colonel Clink…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “The prison authorities in Willich, near Duesseldorf, said the man, who was tall and broad-shouldered, had hidden in a box that was about 150cm by 120cm.” Alright?
Jeff:
See, that’s meaningless to me.
Casey:
Completely meaningless. That could be the size of your Charleston shoebox right there…
Jeff:
Or it could be the size of my office…
Casey:
Or massive, like the size of an elephant carrier.
Jeff:
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Casey:
No clue.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“When the weekly express courier arrived to pick up several boxes of merchandise, the one containing the prisoner was also loaded into the back of the lorry.” Lorry meaning truck, for those of you who don’t speak British.
Jeff:
Okay. I thought it was an elevator.
Casey:
“Shortly after it had passed through the prison gates, the inmate made his dash for freedom by cutting a big hole in the tarpaulin of the lorry and jumping off. The driver alerted the police after he noticed the tarpaulin flapping in the breeze.”
Jeff:
That is… Like he should get his sentence commuted just for sheer awesomeness, right? I think it’d be awesome also if… Like, the warden’s really upset, right? He finds out about this. So he immediately logs on to FedEx.com and says “Track Package”…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly…
Jeff:
Types in the number…
Casey:
He’s like, “We’ve got him.”
Jeff:
And there’s the picture of it, not checked in to some transfer station. Never showed up.
Casey:
Well, here’s my…
Jeff:
I wonder what they ensured the prisoner for? What did he ensure himself for, right?
Casey:
I… Yeah.
Jeff:
Because the prisoner filled out the form. He’s like, “Hmmm…”
Casey:
No, he didn’t. he climbed into just a box. So it was a box of something else…
Jeff:
Oh, really? Okay.
Casey:
It was supposed to be… 2 things — 1st, I guess we’ll talk on that point, right. What I’m thinking is that even though this is obviously the case… Like, I don’t know how express couriers are there but let’s say this was UPS, right, like here… You get a box. There’s nothing in it. There’s a hole cut in the side, right, and all the shit has footprints and mud inside the box, right. It arrives and you’re like, “I’m not accepting this package.” And then like, “Well, it looks fine to me.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s totally fine. You’re gonna have to call the claims department.” You’re like, “There’s a whole in the side of the box. There’s, like, prison garb inside the box. It’s supposed to have candy in it or stationary. Where is all the stationary?” Like, “I don’t know. We don’t…”
Jeff:
“We don’t do that.”
Casey:
“We don’t worry about what’s inside the packages.”
Jeff:
Well, I…
Casey:
The other thing that I was thinking was I feel bad about making fun of [inaudible 27:46] now. There’s, like, all these scenes where the dude, like, sneaks [ back from the CIA ]…
Jeff:
In the box…
Casey:
Or shit like that…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In a fucking box. I’m like, “This is the most retarded game ever…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Evidently not. Like, apparently, that shit works. You could sneak out of prison in a goddamned cardboard box…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Maybe you can get into, like, high security government…
Jeff:
Maybe…
Casey:
Maybe [ you can sneak in ] the cardboard box, too. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Maybe this is a big scandal in the prison industry where they’re like, “I can’t believe they publicized how we got out.” Because now, they’re like, “We’re gonna have thousands of escapes via box now.”
Casey:
Or maybe there’s gonna be a bunch of concerned parents thing that’s, like, “Games are teaching prisoners how to escape prison by getting into cardboard boxes and shimmying around and shit.” And some stupid-ass congressman in Washington state will introduce a law that’s like, “You’re no longer allowed to feature games in which people climb into or out of boxes for the purposes of evading a government employee…
Jeff:
Right. Well, this was in Germany and they don’t have the violence, right?
Casey:
Right. You can’t have violence. Right.
Jeff:
So maybe they’ll just add to that, you know, amend that law…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And say, “You can’t show boxes.”
Casey:
Yeah. Step 1 — Escaping prison in boxes. Step 2 — Question mark. Step 3 — Nazis and returns.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
That’s what they’re seeing. They’re seeing this [inaudible 29:02]
Jeff:
We talked about how close it is…
Casey:
It’s a hair trigger away.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the thing I don’t get it he climbed in the box. That means the top of the box is open. Like, did he…
Casey:
He pulled it shut. Just like in the movies, I’m sure.
Jeff:
Well, it would still be flapping like no one… Just… You’d think like… You pick it up and you’re like, “Fuck, this is a heavy box.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s not taped up ‘cos he couldn’t tape himself in. Maybe he’s holding them down so, like… “Okay, it must be glued.”
Casey:
And you pick it up and, like, it sags in the middle like wicked, right? Like, it’s lopsided and it’s moving around like…
Jeff:
Right. And there’s a big air hole on the side where the breathing’s coming out of.
Casey:
And it’s yelling ouch whenever you drop it. Well, the other thing is it could’ve been on a palette. That’s what I was thinking. Like, maybe it’s a palette of boxes and it got fork lifted up so no one, like…
Jeff:
I see. Put it together?
Casey:
I’m guess. Otherwise, these are the worst fucking prison people ever.
Jeff:
I think these are all, like, descendents from, you know, Sergeant Schultz…
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
And this is…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This is how they roll.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah, that was a great story. Alright, you want to do a Van Halen Minute. It’s been a long time.
Casey:
Everyone wants to do a Van Halen Minute.
Jeff:
Okay. This will be a quick one.
Casey:
Everyone loves the Van Halen Minute.
Jeff:
Okay. I want to say that this is… Everybody wants some of “The Van Halen Saga”…
Casey:
Yep, “The Van Halen Saga”…
Jeff:
By Ian Christie…
Casey:
Ian Christie. And this was considered one of the most intriguing books of 2007. Am I wrong?
Jeff:
Right. By LA Weekly.
Casey:
By LA Weekly. And as you know, LA Weekly has an extremely discriminating literature section.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
So if this was one of the most intriguing books, then it is probably…
Jeff:
Right up there…
Casey:
Exactly that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So this is right during the really contentious part of the Van Halen breakup.
Casey:
Oh, no.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, which Van Halen breakup?
Jeff:
The first one.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“Millions of divorced kids listening to Van Halen in 1985 had just accepted that mom and dad weren’t going to get back together. And now, they were expected to deal with David Lee Roth leaving Van Halen.”
Casey:
Boy, it’s just one thing after another for these kids, isn’t it?
Jeff:
These kids…
Casey:
I mean, the divorce was bad but Van Halen breaking up…
Jeff:
That’s worse.
Casey:
That’s way worse.
Jeff:
“Against all advice, these playboy musicians were now role models. For many, without David Lee Roth, there could be no Van Halen. Sour comments coming from both camps after the split didn’t help. Like the end of every love story, both parties tried to minimize their attraction and the intensity of their failed relationship. In this case, 20 million interested fans were caught in the middle of a breakup. And the fallout of their emotional stress was toxic.”
Casey:
I had no idea that a large part of the breakdown of the American nuclear family was caused by David Lee Roth and Van Halen parting ways.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s…
Casey:
I didn’t know that this whole time.
Jeff:
It was news to me, as well.
Casey:
I’ve never actually even heard, like, “Focus on the Family” talk about this.
Jeff:
I’m thinking of suing them.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. That’s right. For emotional distress.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because yeah, I mean, I had just accepted that mom and dad weren’t…
Casey:
Just then… Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Getting back together. And then Van Halen, too? What… I went through…
Casey:
Can’t anyone stay together?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What the hell, people?
Jeff:
For a long time I blamed myself, right. Like, it must be me. But yet, eventually, with extensive therapy, I realized it wasn’t me.
Casey:
It’s David and Eddie…
Jeff:
Yeah. Sometimes, people just don’t get along. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, right?
Casey:
No, they do. They absolutely do.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Because the millions of kids that David Lee Roth was hitting between the legs…
Jeff:
And not between the temples…
Casey:
He was not connecting between the temples…
Jeff:
That’s right. So that’s our Van Halen Minute. That was from “Road to Nowhere”.
Casey:
That’s the chapter name?
Jeff:
That’s the chapter.
Casey:
Now, have you taken the next important step of ordering this guy’s other book?
Jeff:
No, I’m going to do that because…
Casey:
You’re really gonna have to do that.
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m really getting tired of re-reading these chapters, looking for…
Casey:
Looking for the…
Jeff:
Goddamn it. Because in between these nuggets of literary genius…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s a…
Casey:
A lot of not so genius…
Jeff:
A lot of non-genius…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’re starting to actually… There’s large paragraphs of actual Van Halen information that’s not interesting to read?
Jeff:
No, there’s none of that.
Casey:
No, there’s none of that? Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
I’m just saying there’s just really, really bad writing…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I should say really, really intriguing writing. But not really worthy of recounting…
Casey:
That’s right. Using the LA Weekly parlance where intriguing means worst.
Jeff:
Yeah. Maybe he got mixed up when the thesaurus…
Casey:
Yeah, totally.
Jeff:
Blew up… Yeah. Alright, so that’s our Van Halen Minute for the week.
Casey:
Well, I thought we would do a very special treat for the listeners since they are sticking with us here on a 2-part podcast.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
We know it’s very complicated. A lot of our listeners out there have only just accepted the fact that mom and dad are not gonna get back together.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And now, they’ve had to accept the fact that even a single podcast is not delivered to them in one piece.
Jeff:
Right. It’s been broken up as well.
Casey:
It’s been broken up as well into 2 separate sections.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
If we broke up, do you know what happens to the fucking country?
Casey:
Oh, that would be… Yeah, that would be just…
Jeff:
It’d be horrible.
Casey:
Yeah, it’d be like turmoil… Do you remember what happened when that Rodney King video was released?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’d be like that.
Casey:
Something like that, I’m imagining.
Jeff:
Everywhere. Right.
Casey:
Yeah. Pretty much. On, like, a few select corporate campuses.
Jeff:
Right. It’d be like…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
There’d be celebration at Microsoft camp.
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Sweden would go fucking bananas.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The Scandinavian countries, where we’re huge…
Casey:
Yes, that’s right.
Jeff:
Would just go, you know, rush out over Europe…
Casey:
Exactly. Do you know what… Do we have any Asian listeners?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Where’s our Asia? Do we have any India? Do we have any China? Japan? We are probably blocked in China, I’m guessing.
Jeff:
Do you think we’re blocked in China?
Casey:
I bet we are.
Jeff:
I think there’s a way to check that would be interesting to see.
Casey:
I bet someone somewhere in the ministry of culture… Now, mind you, I’m not suggesting that we’re blocked into China because we have politically-charged content. I’m assuming that China, while they’re filtering, also just filters out just crap. So they’re just like, “This is not worth actually spending internet bandwidth on,” and we got blocked.
Jeff:
Do you think that we are being blocked through a lack of quality…
Casey:
That’s right. I’m guessing…
Jeff:
Versus content?
Casey:
That’s exactly right.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Like, no one can be bothered to actually review the show.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So it doesn’t get put through the standard chain…
Jeff:
Maybe if we do some, like, pro-communism stories…
Casey:
We should totally do like a “Chinese government is fabulous” segment..
Jeff:
Right. Do the thing that Google and Yahoo and Microsoft did…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And you just totally bend over…
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
The lack of convictions that we have… Right?
Casey:
That would be perfect.
Jeff:
And just really pander to our Chinese overlords.
Casey:
You know, if we did it right and we got the pandering just so, we could maybe get the Chinese government to actually require that everyone in China listen to the podcast.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
And then, we would be the most popular podcast of all time.
Jeff:
Ever.
Casey:
I mean, we’d have a billion listeners, right?
Jeff:
And they’d have to translate it, obviously, into Chinese. And they just replace everything that we said. And since neither one of us can be bothered to learn Chinese…
Casey:
We’d have no idea what we’re saying.
Jeff:
We’d have no idea. Yeah.
Casey:
Right. But that’s fine. The price of celebrity, you know…
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
What can you do? I’m fine with that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I have no problem with that. Milli Vanilla had no problem with that. Why should I have a problem with that?
Jeff:
That’s exactly right.
Casey:
Jessica Simpson’s sister, whoever the fuck her name is, no problem with that.
Jeff:
Yep, exactly.
Casey:
So just because the shit that’s coming out of our mouth isn’t actually coming out of mouth, who cares?
Jeff:
Right. I think it’s fine.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s totally fine.
Jeff:
Maybe this podcast has never been done by us anyway. And that’s…
Casey:
That’d probably be better.
Jeff:
And that will be our excuse. See, like, when we do run for office…
Casey:
Oh, my God. That’s a very good point. It’s like, “I have no idea who did that show.”
Jeff:
Yeah. This is just someone writing on our names.
Casey:
That worked for Ronald Reagan.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It could work for us.
Jeff:
Alright. Dude…
Casey:
I didn’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
All I can say is I have no idea what was said on that show. And what I did know, I forgot.
Jeff:
It wasn’t me.
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
And I’m an atheist.
Casey:
Exactly. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
The trap door on the floor… Straight through, yeah…
Casey:
Alright, so what I was trying to get to…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And I got a little bit sidetracked there. I apologize… Was that…
Jeff:
’Cos that never happens…
Casey:
One treat that I thought we’d have for our listeners just sort of to… When things are broken up, like Van Halen…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like this podcast… Sometimes different parts of the podcast or Van Halen try to give you things to make you like that side more.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Like ice cream.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
I see. Disneyland.
Casey:
Yes. So since that podcast had a Good/No Good, I thought it would only be fair if this part also had a Good/No Good to kind of ease the blow.
Jeff:
Right, right, right. Well, this is like when the dad takes the kids out to do fun things. And then, the mom is pressured to also do good things.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yes. Kids, try to get your parents to break up. You get twice as much shit.
Casey:
That’s right. You get twice as much shit.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s perfect.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And there’s no other downsides. It’s just all upsides, clearly.
Jeff:
It’s all up. Yep.
Casey:
Yeah. So what I thought I’d do is I’d do some of my Good/No Good’s…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because I used to give you the Good/No Good’s but now our listeners have done the Good/No Good’s and all mine are backing up.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s much like Seattle’s original plumbing, original sewer system, and the toilet is slowly filling with refuse.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And so, my 1st Good/No Good for you. It’s been waiting quite some time…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Is… You decide that you need, for example, a new cellular telephone like an iPhone, for example, which I know you love.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So you want to buy one of these new phones.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
But unfortunately, capitalism has failed you and you cannot simply go on the internet and get a new phone.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’d have to go to a cellular telephone store.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
So my Good/No Good for you is sort of… It’s a little open-ended…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It’s, A, the store. B, the people who work at the store. And C, anyone else who happens to be in that store…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Perhaps with particular emphasis on the people who’ve gone there to pay their bill or dispute the payment thereof.
Jeff:
Yes, right. Okay. Let me talk about this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
This happened to me, right.
Casey:
It happened to me, too, which is why I’m saying it.
Jeff:
I bought my iPhone from an AT&T store.
Casey:
You have to, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t know. Is that still true?
Casey:
I think so.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, then you’re all on the same boat as me.
Casey:
You’re all on the same boat.
Jeff:
The difference between an AT&T store and the DMV is so slight…
Casey:
Very…
Jeff:
You can almost not tell the except for the eye exam device at the front of the thing, okay?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So my first experience with the AT&T was waiting for 4 hours in the fucking iPhone line, only to have the line get… They run out of iPhones 20 people from me.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
Okay? And then, they said, “Well, you can pay for it now. And then when it comes in, we’ll send it to you,” which…
Casey:
Wow. That’s supposed to make it better?
Jeff:
Yeah, that was his…
Casey:
“I’ll tell you what, we’ll take your money, too.” It’s like, okay, so you had to wait in line but you got mugged…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Wasn’t that enough?
Jeff:
Yeah, I mean it’s…
Casey:
You meet a new person.
Jeff:
Exactly. So no, that’s No Good. But when you do finally get into the store…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s exactly the same. It smells like the aquarium. It’s all the same shit that goes on at the DMV because the people that go to a store are scary motherfuckers, right? The last time I went in there, there’s 3 guys and they’re all trying to buy prepaid minutes, right?
Casey:
Yep. That’s No Good.
Jeff:
If you’re buying prepaid minutes…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Okay, you are a scary motherfucker. No good is going to come of those minutes.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re gonna be talking to your bail bondsman. You might need those minutes to arrange some sort of late night meeting of some kind…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That no good is going to come of…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Prepaid minutes…
Casey:
How many people can you fit in that port-a-potty?
Jeff:
Right. Prepaid minutes, like, they should just write down… “I’d like to buy some prepaid minutes,” your arrested.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, right at that point, the guy that does the dateline to catch a predator…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Should come out and say…
Casey:
“Busted.”
Jeff:
“Why don’t you have a seat. Let’s have a talk.” And you’d be like, “Oh, fuck,” right?
Casey:
“They got me.”
Jeff:
“They got me.”
Casey:
“Uh, yeah. I wanted to purchase some prepaid minutes.” And they’re like, “Okay, here’s your prepaid minutes card. And here’s your federal wiretap ID number…”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, exactly. I think they should just taze you the minute you say prepaid. So then, the other thing that always happens at the fucking AT&T store is that people come in to pay their bill.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
What the fuck? If you go to some place to pay your bill, okay, you’re in dire fucking straights…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That means you can’t get a credit card.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Even the ones where you put up a hundred bucks to get $100 of credit…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Like, you can’t get a credit card. It also means that the bank has stopped issuing you checks, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re fucked. You’re coming in with a motherfucking cashier’s check, right? Again, you pay any minor bill with a… If you have a cashier’s check made out for less than $100… Bam! You’re arrested because you are such a fuck up that you’ve exhausted all possible other ways to pay, right? There’s nothing less.
Casey:
Here’s the thing, right, is… The thing that boggles my mind is if you are in a situation where you’re having to go to the AT&T store to pay a $40 phone bill…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You probably shouldn’t have a cellular phone, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s like, I don’t think I would buy something that charges me a lot of money…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
If paying a $35 necessitates going to the store.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Especially since you’re probably getting paid by the hour and it’s an hour of work you’re not getting paid to go to the store to pay the bill.
Jeff:
Yeah. Exactly.
Casey:
It seems like a very bad life decision.
Jeff:
Well, that’s… Usually, what happens in those…
Casey:
In my mind, when I went to the AT&T store, I was surrounded by bad life decisions.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
It was like an army of bad life decisions at the AT&T store.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Across the board.
Jeff:
Right. Right. No, it’s like the fuck up domino chain, right? Like, they’re at the store, missing work to pay their fill…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which means they’re gonna get fucking fired from McDonald’s…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which means they’re not gonna pay the next bill…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So they’re gonna get a $100 credit card to pay that which means they’re not paying… It’s like this big fuck you chain of dominos…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That ends with…
Casey:
With Alan Greenspan going, “It’s fine.”
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
“We just need easier credit. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s fine.”
Jeff:
Anyway, now, that’s everybody in the store except for, like, the soccer moms who are trying to buy a cellphone for a birthday present or something…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
And if you get behind one of these, God help you.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Because they’ve never seen anything… Like, the guy’s like, “Oh, yeah, and this has wireless.” And she’s like, “What’s that?” And then they’re like, “Well, you can also text.” “Text?” You’re just like, fuck…
Casey:
Right. No.
Jeff:
It’s like you’ve taken someone out of the 1700’s…
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
And they’re buying a birthday present for someone on the modern day.
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
That’s what happens. You’re behind them or the dude paying the bill. And you don’t want any part of that.
Casey:
It’s like, “So, wait a minute. You’re telling me you can buy the butter already churned?”
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
You’re like, “Yes, absolutely, you can. It’s fabulous.”
Jeff:
So that’s the AT&T experience, if you will…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That they go for is that if you get in the fucking store…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But then, when you’re buying the iPhone, you don’t even get in the store, right?
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
So, no. It’s absolutely No Good.
Casey:
Not to mention the fact that… Specifically, I was talking about cellphone stores, in general which are… All this stuff is generally the case…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Sprint, DMV’s the shit out of you.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s interesting that you brought up DMV because the AT&T store wasn't as much like the DMV as the Sprint store was. The Sprint store, you take a number and it comes up on a screen. It's exactly like the DMV. It's like, “Now serving # 43.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“Yeah, I was wondering if…” Ugh, it’s terrible.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Kinda like the Genius Bar at the Apple store.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Sprint is, like, the lower rent version of AT&T. And then there's, like… It gets to the shittier stuff like Nortel…
Casey:
Oh, right.
Jeff:
Like you go into…
Casey:
Nortel is part of Sprint now, though.
Jeff:
Oh, it is? They’re all the same thing?
Casey:
Yeah, they’re the same thing.
Jeff:
’Cos you used to go into a Nortel and, like, their phones were black and fucking white…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And like, 2 years ago… And you’re like, “Hey, I heard these things play MP3.” And they’re like, “Music?” They haven’t even heard of it.
Casey:
Well, Nortel shit that I don’t understand, that I’ve never understood. They’re like, “Okay, this thing has walkie-talkie service.”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, “Okay, your car converts into a horse-drawn carriage.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s like, “Uh… Alright. Well, I guess that’s a good thing in case I want to have that old, like, ‘me and my friend talking to each other from across the street’ deal or something.”
Jeff:
“Hey, this new phone has a wire that comes out the back that, if you unwind it, untangle it, you can plug it into another phone and the quality is spectacular.”
Casey:
That’s right. That’s awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah. Now, I have no idea what Nortel is selling. I have no idea. I don’t even know who their customer is and I don’t want to know. Right? You want to stay away from any of the Nortel stores.
Casey:
They had this ad that played for a while when I was… I think I saw this when I was back home visiting my parents. And they had this ad where there was a bunch of fire fighters…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And there’s a bunch of fire fighters, like, in Congress. Have you seen this ad?
Jeff:
Okay. No.
Casey:
They’re all seated in Congress…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And there’s a dude up at the front. And he’s like… They’ve all got wireless Nortel phones or whatever. And one of them, like, pushes a button and goes like, “Alright, does everyone think we want clean air and water?” And everyone’s like, “Yes.” And they, like, bang the gavel. And they’re like, “Okay, clean air and water. Next item?” And whatever, right… And at the end, they go, “This is the easiest job we’ve ever had.”
Jeff:
What’s the firefighters…
Casey:
I have no idea. None whatsoever. I watched this ad and I was like…
Jeff:
They didn’t strip or anything? They weren’t, like, hot firefighters?
Casey:
I have no idea what this ad was trying to convey, A, about firefighters; B, about congress; C, about their phones or their service.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
That’s terrific.
Casey:
None whatsoever.
Jeff:
And that was for Nortel?
Casey:
It was like the Mixed-up Metaphor Minute, visual-style.
Jeff:
Yeah, visually…
Casey:
Right? I was like, “Okay, you’re trying to say that, like, if you put firemen in Congress, they’d run it really well because they’re not like politicians?”
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
Like, “Okay, what does that have to do with your phone?” Right? It’s like, “I understand that. But what does that have to do with your phone? Are you saying that if you gave Congress people cellular telephones from your service, they would turn into firefighters or something?” Like, okay, I don’t know. I don’t get it. I have no idea. I’d love to have it explained to me. I really just don’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t think you want to, in my opinion.
Casey:
I do. My curiosity gets the better of me when I see these ads, right…
Jeff:
They’re gonna explain it to you and you go, “Oh, God…”
Casey:
And this is one of those things, like, a lot of people think… I mean, it’s kind of conventional wisdom, right, that advertising that gets your attention is effective.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s actually not true.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Right? That was, like, sort of… It’s never really been true in advertising. And it’s something that people, like… You know, it’s a common faux pas. It’s like, they’ve had very famous ad campaigns that have been analyzed. And they’re like, “These ad campaigns did not lead to anyone actually buying…”
Jeff:
Do anything…
Casey:
So all we did was pay a bunch of money to have a bunch of people talk about our company and never buy any more than they were already buying.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So it’s like, “Okay, yes. More people know the name of your company now. It didn’t help,” right?
Jeff:
It didn’t help.
Casey:
It didn’t help at all. Like, anyone doesn’t know who the fuck Sprint is in the first place…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But anyway, point being… And so, this is exactly one of those ads. Like, you absolutely got my attention and I absolutely did not want to buy your product in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I used to be a Sprint customer. Now, I’m not anymore.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
So I guess it was the inference. Anyone who has any… I would love… Send me an email, seriously, if you figure that out. Or if you found some website where they, like, talk about what they were going for there. I’d love to know.
Jeff:
Explain it?
Casey:
I’d love to know. Alright, that was just a… That was one Good/No Good…
Jeff:
Shit, how long was that?
Casey:
Out of the 3 Good/No Good’s that are coming.
Jeff:
Oh, goddamn it. What if this turns into 3 podcasts?
Casey:
It might.
Jeff:
Ugh…
Casey:
Alright. Number 2…
Jeff:
Number 2…
Casey:
Billboards, right…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You know these things. They have these big old advertisements. You’re driving down the road and they’re…
Jeff:
Eyesores, yes.
Casey:
Sitting up there, okay. And you’re driving by one of these billboards and you look up and it’s for a company, for example State Farm Insurance…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And they have put the faces, the photographs of the faces of their local representatives on the billboard with their name next to it, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it’s trying to give you that local feel. Like, “Here’s some dudes face. And he’s the guy you’re gonna get on the phone.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So, Good/No Good?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
1st of all, have you seen these billboards I’m talking about?
Jeff:
Yes, I have seen these…
Casey:
Good/No Good?
Jeff:
And it’s almost like they’re doing a “find and replace” with a picture…
Casey:
It is exactly what that is…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They made one billboard template and it says some slogan that makes no sense like, “We’re as local as you are,” or something. And you’re like, “Okay, whatever.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then, it’s got the 2 faces or one face and a big old name next to it.
Jeff:
Right. So here’s the thing. How the fuck am I going to know that person in my community unless I’m already a customer.
Casey:
Good point.
Jeff:
And if I’m looking up at that, going, “Huh, I wonder what that’s all about.” And I am your customer and I fucking rear end somebody because I’m reading a goddamned billboard, going, “That’s so goddamned stupid,” then you’re gonna pay for that double, right? You have done shit.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t get the whole thing of advertising to people who are already your customers, especially insurance, where you just got them locked in forever, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Insurance advertising, in general, is just completely retarded. But that, in particular, put me off…
Casey:
Usually… I mean, correct me if I’m wrong here but when I have seen these, it looks like the back of a milk carton. It’s like, “Have you seen this person?”
Jeff:
Yeah. Right. Exactly.
Casey:
And it’s like, “This is supposed to make me feel better about signing up with your service? That some dude, who looks like, you know, maybe this is what we think he’ll look like…”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
He was 3 when it was taken…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But now, he looks like this dude…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? And I’m supposed to call him up and be, like, more comfortable with that fact.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Hey, I saw your face on the billboard. Great photo.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“I was thinking of getting some term life.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“You in for that?” It’s like, “In what fantasy is that actually happening in these people’s minds?”
Jeff:
The other awesome thing about that is that whenever you see one of these people, whether you are already a customer or not, I look at these people and go, “There’s no fucking way I want this guy covering me.”
Casey:
That’s what I’m saying.
Jeff:
This guy looks like… He’s combing his hair over all the time. He has no judgment at all. If he doesn’t know that looks like shit…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
What the fuck is he gonna do for when there’s an insurance claim, right?
Casey:
Well, and I’m also…
Jeff:
He’s demonstrating bad judgment on a billboard, right?
Casey:
Well, I think it also is kind of a testament to the quality of service. It’s like they clearly couldn’t be bothered to take a number of photos with professional hair and makeup… They just took some fucking photo from the guy’s ID badge and slapped that shit up there. And you’re like, “This does not make me feel good about your attention to detail, at all.”
Jeff:
Right. And the whole billboard’s at, like, 1200 DPI…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then the picture’s at 200…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It looks like… Goddamn it. Nothing here screams quality.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No, nothing. I don’t know who that works on. I mean, there’s lots of things where you go, “Okay, I’m obviously not the customer that they’re looking for here.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
I can’t imagine anyone being impressed by a shitty billboard that shows some person who looks like ass, right. And a lot of times, even if you were their customer, you’re like, “Fuck, that’s what the dude looks like?” Because you just called them…
Casey:
Right. You’re like, “Holy shit.”
Jeff:
Off the net or something… And you’re like, “Oh, fuck. That dude…”
Casey:
“I’m not letting my kids go near that office anymore.”
Jeff:
Right. He looks like the pedophile…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And he’s up there on the billboard, smiling with his comb over, going, “Hey, I’m gonna fucking solve your deductable problems.”
Casey:
Well, you know, here’s the thing…
Jeff:
They’re not.
Casey:
And I hope… I don’t know if we have any listeners in Oakland, California. I think Jonathan Blow could’ve hooked us up here but in Oakland, California…
Jeff:
Oaktown…
Casey:
Oaktown, sorry. There used to be park benches. And maybe… I don’t know if there still are but there used to be park benches with this dude who had, like, a total glam shot. And I think he was like… He had kind of a glam shot with, like… You know, kind of like a slightly open shirt. Like, he looked like sort of like a Rico Suave kind of like a…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, like, “I’m after your women”, kind of like a Latin lover kind of image.
Jeff:
Yeah, awesome.
Casey:
And it was his picture. And I believe the ad was for funeral services.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Okay. And I can’t remember, for the life of me, the name of this funeral service. But that, to me, was like the pinnacle of this kind of advertising.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You can’t get better than that because it made no sense at all.
Jeff:
Well, you know, the people that really take this, taking a picture of yourself, and then using it to, like, demonstrate your promise at your thing…
Casey:
Right. Yeah, that’s right…
Jeff:
Cannot… Like, the people that always do this…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Is, of course, the realtors, right?
Casey:
Right. Oh, yeah. Realtors always have a face on there. They always do. I never thought of that. Why?
Jeff:
Their business cards…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Their advertisement…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Everything has his little fucking face, alright?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, a little bit of that is because most, if not 90%, are women who are, like, you know… The kids have grown up and this seems like their second career kind of thing…
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
They do it for 6 months and then, “Oh, fuck, this is what…” Don’t sell shit…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And then usually go on to photography or, you know, other hobbies such as that ‘cos this is a hobby for them.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And so, this is almost like going back to prom. You know, you get all dressed up. You get your picture taken.
Casey:
You get your picture taken. It’s fabulous.
Jeff:
They do, like, the rows of pictures…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And you’ve got a little magnifying glass that you’re sliding around, going, “Hmmm… This one looks good.”And there’s another person there, analyzing them with you…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s very empowering…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Until you get bored of it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
That’s an excellent point, Jeff.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
An excellent point.
Jeff:
Yeah. So I’m busy…
Casey:
So realtors, No Good, in addition…
Jeff:
Oh, no. Realtors are No Good.
Casey:
No Good, way No Good. Okay.
Jeff:
Necessary evil, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Are they necessary? What you mean is mandatory evil.
Jeff:
Yeah, mandatory.
Casey:
Necessary evil means you actually need a realtor. Mandatory evil is like you are forced to use one even though you don’t need it.
Jeff:
Yeah, anyway…
Casey:
Oh, boy… Alright, so going all the way back to the original No Good, the billboards, No Good.
Jeff:
No Good.
Casey:
But realtors, also No Good…
Jeff:
Realtors, No Good.
Casey:
As a side No Good that we will revisit later…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. The final in the 3 Good/No Good’s for our bonus Good/No Good here on podcast 39…
Jeff:
Part 2.
Casey:
Part 2.
Jeff:
Part [ 3 ].
Casey:
Part what? No, we’re not on 3 yet. We’re not on to part 3 yet. This is still part 2.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. The sugar is kicking in.
Casey:
Exactly. The 3rd one is… I think you’ve probably had this experience and I know that I’ve definitely had this experience.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’m hoping you have. Otherwise, [inaudible 57:03] Good/No Good.
Jeff:
It happens to old men?
Casey:
No, this is not a Flomax thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re going to… I don’t know. Let’s say a movie in Bellevue.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And you go to a high class mall kind of area or something, right. It’s upscale because a lot of Bellevue is built on Microsoft money, you know, a lot of high paying people there, a lot of upscale stores, gotta have a highly decorated, artsy interior…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And the centerpiece of this artsy entryway to the wall or column of the mall or whatever is a giant sort of Medusa-like light fixture…
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Yep.
Casey:
That just has glass shit sticking out of a centerpiece.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it kind of looks like an old school shag rug…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
With really long fibers, right…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And this is, of course, by none other than the famous Dale Chihuly…
Jeff:
Chihuly… Yep.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Seattle’s…
Casey:
The Seattle icon…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Glass art”. Good/No Good?
Jeff:
Holy shit is it No Good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I didn’t even understand, like… And a lot of our listeners may not know who we’re talking about…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos people…
Casey:
He is not nationally famous.
Jeff:
Right. But people revere him here.
Casey:
Oh, absolutely.
Jeff:
“You know what, we’re opening a bank. We better get a Chihuly in here.”
Casey:
Yep. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right? And if this was… If he’d done a series of art in glass form…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That would be one thing. It wouldn’t be a good thing but it would be a thing. He shits out the exact same tumor-like… You know when they show, like, “Hey, this is the AIDS virus under 500-point magnification…” They’re basically great big goddamned AIDS viruses made out of glass. And guess what? If they fall, they’ll kill you the same way, right?
Casey:
Yep. Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re gonna fucking die.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
So they have these things. And all of them have… And you think… The first time you see them, you’re like, “Oh, man. They must light up or do something cool…”
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No. They don’t do shit.
Casey:
No, they don’t do a goddamned thing.
Jeff:
They just poke out, right? Now, you saw something that was even more awesome that you told me about.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
And that’s the fact that he doesn’t even blow his own glass anymore.
Casey:
No, he doesn’t… Well, he definitely blows…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He just doesn’t blow his own glass.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
His studio or [ boathouse ], whatever the fuck you call it…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I was there for a social function. And while I was there for the social function, the workshop was in… Like, I don’t know what you call it. It was in session.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I mean, they were working on glass pieces and you could go watch this, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And watching glass being blown is… And in fact, I actually said this. And I don’t know whether I was sort of taken seriously or humored when I said this…
Jeff:
Oh, I see. You’re kind of in the wrong crowd for your humor…
Casey:
Potentially.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I was like, “Watching glass being blown is a lot like watching NASCAR. It is slow. It is uninteresting. And it does not take very much in the way of talent that can actually be utilized in any real form in any other way.”
Jeff:
And it’s only exciting if they…
Casey:
It’s very exciting if something crashes.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? So everyone is waiting for the time when they drop the big glass thing that they’re working on and it shatters into a million pieces that is, like… That’s the big moment right there, right? You’re just crossing your fingers for it, right? If the whole NASCAR goes by and no one crashes a car, no one gives a shit, right? That’s not making the highlight film…
Jeff:
So did you start making yip noises?
Casey:
No…
Jeff:
Like Kramer?
Casey:
No, I did not.
Jeff:
Do something to [inaudible 60:25]
Casey:
I did not. But that’s like what this is like, right? But yeah, Dale Chihuly, as far as I know, doesn’t actually ever do any of the glass work. What they were doing is they just… You know all the medusa-like pieces that just stick out in the random hodgepodge?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They make each individual medusa-like piece…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
A couple guys are doing this, right. They then put it up on to a hanger where several dozens of said pieces are… And it looks like they’re sorted by, like, “Oh, this is a piece of type A,” which means like green glass extruded like a fucking piece of fusilli, right…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
[ Or something or whatever, right… ]
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Then, I imagine (or I hope), assuming that it’s actually… He actually does anything on any of these things anymore… He comes down at some point and pulls these things all and sticks them in like they were like Takebana or whatever it’s called, Ikebana, whatever…
Jeff:
Right. So he starts like a line of cocaine to charge himself up…
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Charges down the stairs…
Casey:
Well, he only has one eye. So I’m imagining that part of it is just like, “Well, you know, I can’t really see the glass that well. I’m not sure.” Right?
Jeff:
He probably… As he’s walking around the [inaudible 61:25] always runs into it…
Casey:
Like, “Oh, goddamn it.”
Jeff:
“Broke it again.” Yeah.
Casey:
“Son of a bitch…”
Jeff:
So he’s basically flower-arranging, just sticking random [ things ] together?
Casey:
That’s right. As far as I know… But again, I didn’t get to see that part. I don’t even know if that’s what happened. Maybe another guy that’s also not him comes in and does that part. I have no idea. All I know is how they make those pieces.
Jeff:
You didn’t see the genius is what you’re saying.
Casey:
No, I did not see. I did not see how genius creates a legend, if you will.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I missed that part.
Jeff:
Right. I’m pretty sure if you keep watching, that genius never really appears.
Casey:
That may be the case, yeah.
Jeff:
They wait a long fucking time for this genius.
Casey:
Right, exactly. So here’s the other part of it is I don’t know anything about glass blowing, okay. No fucking clue, alright. But basically, as far as I can tell from watching them, the easiest fucking thing you can do with glass is make a long, completely randomly shaped tube. It’s like, as far as I can tell, anybody who spent a month learning how to work with glass could end up with a long tube of glass in no particular shape, right? Better yet, much like all of his chandeliers, ones that have no color control…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it’s just light.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s a big, long, white, randomly shaped, snake-like object. That’s what you get if you don’t break the glass while you’re making it, okay.
Jeff:
Genius.
Casey:
It’s anything else that actually takes some talent, right…
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is…
Casey:
If you don’t want it to be a long drippy piece of randomly-shaped cylindrical white glass, then you need to do some work.
Jeff:
Well, I think I see what you’re saying. So what you’re saying if, say, a balloon artist showed up one day…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And said, “I have experience blowing into long tubular things…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“Bending them into shapes,” they’d say, “Hold on there…”
Casey:
Oh, one step too far.
Jeff:
“Shapes?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Are you fucking crazy?”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“That isn’t art, right?”
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
“Art happens when you don’t bend things into shape…”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
“You hang them up on a shelf and then the artist picks them.”
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Right? “And if you started putting goddamned animals up on the shelf, it blows our whole [ categorization ].”
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
“None of these things look like tumors and viruses anymore…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“They look like something real. And that’s ridiculous.”
Casey:
Right. What we’re going for here is we want the viewer to go, “What the fuck is that?”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And as soon as it looks like something pleasing or recognizable…
Jeff:
Drop it.
Casey:
What’s the point? Right?
Jeff:
Whoops.
Casey:
Right. So like Frank Gehry and Dale Chihuly can all get together and be like, “How do we shit out a blob-like object that makes people go, “What the hell is that doing here?” And then, we stamp a big art sign on it and we’re done.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
Congratulations.
Jeff:
[inaudible 63:58] my brother, when I was in Boston, said there’s a new Frank Gehry in the middle of the Orem.
Casey:
What the fuck is Orem?
Jeff:
Orem is south of Salt Lake City. That’s where BYU University is.
Casey:
Gotcha.
Jeff:
Okay. So in the middle of Orem, you’ve got this nondescript, highest building in the city… Well, it’s the church but it’s 6 floors. It’s like little… And all of a sudden, there just this, like, random bit of whatever he shat out that month…
Casey:
Okay, right. Yep.
Jeff:
And got, like, a million retainer for it… And he says it’s just awesome.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s the standard thing where it’s completely opposite of any Frank Lloyd Wright integration within the environment…
Casey:
Right, right. It’s like, “No, no, no…”
Jeff:
It’s just like, “No. What? Are you trying to…” You know, that’s absurd, right? Where’s the harm in that?
Casey:
Right. You don’t fuck the rabbit. The rabbit fuck you, right?
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes, a design principle.
Casey:
Frank Gehry’s shit is not gonna back into you.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You have to back into it, alright? You got that?
Jeff:
That is exactly right. That is awesome.
Casey:
Well, I saw an interview with him once… Or I was reading an interview where he was talking about how it would be great he you could just do just do any shape that he wanted. But of course, it’s architecture. So there’s all these constraints about material stresses and loads of other stuff. So he can only go so far with it, right…
Jeff:
How annoying is that?
Casey:
And I’m like, “Dude, okay, you are actually having to spend time to work out any hard details for you to get these shapes, just don’t fucking do these shapes, dude. Like, it is not fucking worth it, okay.”
Jeff:
Well, that’s… Like…
Casey:
It is not worth it.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, here’s what I think. That’s the only art in architecture is that balance of the engineering and the beauty, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
You take out the engineering part of it…
Casey:
And the beauty…
Jeff:
Why are you making architecture?
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Basically, you’re just making great, bit inflatable turds…
Casey:
Sculptures, yeah.
Jeff:
Right? That can’t blow away because we nail them down… And what’s the fun of an inflatable turd that can’t blow away and destroy…
Casey:
Destroy an orphanage.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. You’re missing the point of the awesomeness of art that blows away and destroys orphanage and the beauty of a building that doesn’t look like a piece of shit.
Casey:
Well, I think there’s something interesting about his… At least the building that I had personal encounter with, which is the Experience Music Project, right, which is the one he did here in Seattle…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Which is that there’s a couple of different kinds of buildings that I… You know, and I don’t really know very much about architecture. But there are buildings that look good for their time when they’re built but then look out of place. . .
Jeff:
Aged. Sure.
Casey:
When you see them 50 years since, 100 years since…
Jeff:
They don’t age well.
Casey:
Right. Then there’s buildings that are timeless for their culture, right. It’s like, you know, St. Peter’s Basilica or something. And it’s like people will come and marvel at this and always think it looks beautiful and impressive…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
No matter whether it’s a thousand years from now or 5 minutes from now, right…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s just amazing and perfect and it integrates into human cognition in some way, right? But what I realize is there is something artistic about what he did which is a building which never looks good.
Jeff:
Right, and never well.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, for no time period… You can’t move this to 1700 and have it look good. 5,000 years from now, it’s still gonna look like shit.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
This building will never look like anything other than an eyesore.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And that actually is probably non-trivial. Like, if I try to set out to build an eyesore building today, it probably would have looked good in the 70’s, right? Shit that I think is totally ugly…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They thought it looked good back then.
Jeff:
You’d have to do your research.
Casey:
Right. It’s like I’d have to start studying and be like, “Okay. Oh, shit. In the 50’s, they thought this was great. Goddamn it.” Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like he nailed it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He is right there.
Jeff:
So what he did is he actually made a building that, like, for our time period, you might say, “Look, it looks like the remnants of an airplane that crashed into that plane.”
Casey:
Right, yes.
Jeff:
And yet, 50 years from now, it might look like a spaceship…
Casey:
That crashed…
Jeff:
That crashed.
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
And then, in the 50’s, it might be like a Cadillac that crashed into the ground.
Casey:
Something broke and lots of people died…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And it always conjures that up in any society, possibly in any species.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
I guess we have not determined whether or not monkeys are like, “Wow, what the fuck is that?”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They might…
Jeff:
Or aliens who come down and then they look at this and then go…
Casey:
“You guys ain’t gonna clean that shit up?” That’s the first thing that they ask, right?
Jeff:
I think they say the mind that can conjure this and then build it and then pay for it is not to be messed with. They are a force to be reckoned with.
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
They might have some sort of gun, like, a taser gun that they fire upon us and our smooth, perfectly spherical disk-like spaceships…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Would turn into these crazy-ass…
Casey:
Oh, they think it’s a war zone. Someone fired the uglinator at this thing and turned their fucking building into a disgusting retch. And we don’t want them to do that to our ships. So we’ve gotta get the fuck out of here.
Jeff:
Yeah, we don’t have the technology.
Casey:
Frank Gehry, building alien warnings…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
To all of the outer space inhabitants…
Jeff:
Oh, brother…
Casey:
Alright, so…
Jeff:
Number 3 or number 2?
Casey:
So Frank Gehry and Dale Chihuly…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
No Good?
Jeff:
Goddamn it. No Good. Yeah.
Casey:
Well, no, that’s it. That’s all we have.
Jeff:
That’s our week…
Casey:
That is the 3. . . Well, we do them in triples, basically.
Jeff:
Boy, that was exhausting.
Casey:
It was.
Jeff:
Yes. The sugar’s wearing off. We’re wearing down… The 2 hours of yelling at each other… Your voice is breaking.
Casey:
My voice is getting hoarse.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
So it’s getting a little crazy.
Casey:
Sweden is getting horse.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re getting a lot of horse.
Casey:
They’re getting a lot of horse.
Jeff:
More than you think.
Casey:
They’re getting backed into.
Jeff:
All the time. That’s gonna be the new phrase.
Casey:
“She backed into me.”
Jeff:
“What’s the problem?”
Casey:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jeff:
“I was at this club and this girl, she was all over, backing into me…”
Casey:
“She was all backing up into me…”
Jeff:
“It was awesome.”
Casey:
“She was all backing up into my shit…”
Jeff:
It could be used for any interest.
Casey:
Oh, man. Yeah.
Jeff:
“I almost closed the deal. They were backing into me.”
Casey:
See, that’s what we need to do now to make the Jeff & Casey Show a worldwide phenomenon is start a phrase.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
So “backing into me” has got to be the new phrase. “She’s all backing up into me.”
Jeff:
I don’t think we can do that.
Casey:
Probably not.
Jeff:
We don’t have the cache.
Casey:
Well, that’s something to aspire to.
Jeff:
Alright. We can work at it.
Casey:
Maybe we’re just like Frank Gehry. We’re producing a show that no one wants to listen to no matter what time period you broadcast this show.
Jeff:
We are doing our part to keep the aliens away.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Alright, and you can do your part…
Jeff:
By emailing us…
Casey:
By emailing us at Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And give us Good/No Good submissions, which you can also do by phone.
Jeff:
Yep. And that number is 425…
Casey:
I don’t know the fucking number. Nobody knows what the number is.
Jeff:
Look it up.
Casey:
Look up the number…
Jeff:
This is non-professional podcasting. Come on. It starts with 425…
Casey:
Okay. We only have 60 seconds to finish this.
Jeff:
Go, go, go.
Casey:
So go.
Jeff:
Find it.
Casey:
No. I can’t.
Jeff:
Find it.
Casey:
Cut and paste. Cut and paste the number. Cut and paste them right here. Ready?
Jeff:
Wait.
Casey:
Okay, there it is. Paste it right there.
Jeff:
That’s [inaudible 71:26]
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I don’t think it was enough time. Do it again.
Casey:
425-296-3012.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay, good.
Jeff:
Yeah, alright.
Casey:
Alright. So put the number in right there and call and give us a Good/No Good. Or if you want to tell a story…
Jeff:
Wait a second. How am I gonna put the number in?
Casey:
Cut and paste it from a different podcast.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. That’s a good idea.
Casey:
Yeah, alright.
Jeff:
40…
Casey:
And we will see you… Shut up. We’re out of time. We will see you…
Jeff:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9…
Casey:
We will see you next week on the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Okay. Take it easy.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 41
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