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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
A Complex Relationship with Cheese
"Let me ask you this: did the 'urinal' that you peed into have a hot and cold handle on it?"
Original air date: November 19th, 2008
Topics. Linux. Steve’s dogshit. XP. Boston. Ubuntu. The Celtics. Dance academy. The treadmill car. Plane porn. Games as sports. Thatcher’s muccous. The render farm. Good/No-good. Bathrooms.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show. And even though last week, we said that it was gonna be the last podcast from podcast studios here in Park Place in Kirkland (lovely Kirkland, Washington)…
Jeff:
One more…
Casey:
That turned out to be completely wrong because I guess we should’ve known that the move to RAD Game Tools’ new office would not have gone smoothly.
Jeff:
Fighting the internet installation…
Casey:
Fighting the internet? That’s been the problem is getting the internet?
Jeff:
Yeah, getting the internet installed over there. They said we had fiber and other people in the building do and I won’t name names but it rhymes with “ungee” and they have fiber and we can’t get it…
Casey:
What do you mean you can’t get it?
Jeff:
They say they’re not in the building. We’re like, “You mean, aside from this other game company who won’t name by name…”
Casey:
Who happens to be in the…
Jeff:
Who happens to be on mega fiber and we’re not…
Casey:
So did you get it resolved? Are they gonna get you fiber or what?
Jeff:
No… Yeah, they finally were like, “Oh, yeah, that was a special division of our company.” And I’m like, “Let us talk to that division…”
Casey:
“Instead of you…”
Jeff:
“Instead of you…” And so now, they’re working on that. So actually, we’re going to be on DSL for a little while so we’ve got an emergency DSL installation.
Casey:
Oh, okay. So you have some internet now but not the real internet?
Jeff:
Yes. In fact, right now, if you email us, we won’t get it because it’s all going to some server that can’t answer.
Casey:
Oops… Well, if you email us, we’ll get it because it’s going to MollyRocket which is still working, right?
Jeff:
Yes. But RAD will be down.
Casey:
But RAD will be down.
Jeff:
For another… As soon as this podcast is over, I still have to start hauling servers and…
Casey:
You have to run over there… Yeah. Alright.
Jeff:
Switches and…
Casey:
Well, you just got back from Boston, too.
Jeff:
Yes. I went to Boston for the first time. That’s the other thing is the move was supposed to be done 2 weeks ago and then I would have this nice, relaxing trip. Instead, I’m moving the day I’m leaving…
Casey:
Whoops.
Jeff:
And then, right in the middle of what was supposed to be… I should’ve been moved a couple days ago but right in the middle, I went to Boston and it was a good time. I’d never been to Boston so…
Casey:
You’d never been to Boston ever?
Jeff:
Nope, never visited so…
Casey:
Why did you decide to visit this time, then?
Jeff:
Well, it’s one of the cities that… It was the only city, actually, that I could set this up which was try to go see a football game, professional football game, followed by a professional basketball game. And you know, Boston has all 4 major sports…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I couldn’t find, like, Miami… I couldn’t find a time when they had a game and then the net day the Heat were playing…
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
So the Dolphins and…
Casey:
You wanted it back to back sporting event…
Jeff:
Yeah, we’re trying to do a quick trip ‘cos I was only gone for 3 days.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And we wanted to get a quick back to back, see 2 awesome sporting events. And every time we’d gone to a good sporting event, the game’s kind of been a laugh-er. But in this case, it was actually… The football game was one of the best I’ve ever seen that I got to see in person so it’s cool.
Casey:
That’s awesome.
Jeff:
And Brandon ended up on the Jumbotron, loaded, doing the crazy dance.
Casey:
I can’t tell you how exciting it must’ve been to see a professional sporting event.
Jeff:
It was awesome.
Casey:
I’m so jealous.
Jeff:
I love it. I love it. No, it was great. Like, one second left, they had a touchdown to tie the game. Boy, it was terrific.
Casey:
Now, you are aware that regardless of which team wins the game, nothing actually happens. You know that, right?
Jeff:
No, the world stops…
Casey:
They made it up. They make it up.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s actually an artificial event to which no actual occurrences are tied.
Jeff:
No, actually, you know, this weekend was the first tie football game in 13 years.
Casey:
That means they went into overtime and it did not resolve?
Jeff:
I think it’s 2 overtimes and… Is it 2 overtimes or total time? Anyway, they have a thing where they just go, “Oh, fuck it.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“These guys are inept. We’re not going any farther.”
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Because remember, football is the first person that scores an overtime…
Casey:
Right. So usually, someone should be able to score at some point in the game?
Jeff:
So if you have 2 and you’re just like, “Fuck it, these teams are retarded,” neither deserves to win…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Which is what ends up happening.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Anyway… But yeah, it was a good time. It was rushed. I went and got a whole bunch of new clothes, like, the night before…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Washed them…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And realized these said “new clothes” could not be dried for fear of shrinkage. So I’m like, “Fuck, fuck…”
Casey:
What the hell clothes did you buy? Oh, did you do your upscale clothes shopping that you got into again?
Jeff:
Yeah. I got my gay stylist, Tyler, to hook me up.
Casey:
Oh, no. You went back to Nordstrom’s?
Jeff:
Yep. Nordy hooked me up.
Casey:
Oh, Lord. What did you get?
Jeff:
I got some action, it’s good action.
Casey:
You kind of look like someone from “Grand Theft Auto” sometimes, like you got the puffy shirt…
Jeff:
I got the “Grand Theft”? I like that.
Casey:
The puffy jacket, right?
Jeff:
Well, I think Tyler sometimes slips me a Mickey and that was like… Remember the shirt I got that’s…
Casey:
You wake up and you can’t remember what happened but you got all these clothes?
Jeff:
Well, kind of like that. Remember the shirt… Like, he’s always…
Casey:
The butt love or from behind love or whatever?
Jeff:
No, it was called… Remember… I read it and it was R-A-E-R.
Casey:
Yes. R-A-E-R Love.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It was Rear Love but spelled with the E and A reversed.
Jeff:
And I said, “What is this?” And he said, “Oh, it’s Rare Love.” And then you read it… I was wearing that shirt and you go, “It says Rear Love on your shirt.” And I was like, “It says what?” And…
Casey:
Yeah, well, why… If you saw R-A-E-R, why would you invert the last 2 letters than the middle?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
There’s no reason to prefer one inversion or the other…
Jeff:
Nothing made sense…
Casey:
So plenty of people are gonna say Rear Love.
Jeff:
I just… Well, apparently you was just wearing…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it was in sequins, if you remember…
Casey:
It’s a [ shamali ].
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So it was not good…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So that shirt got removed. But occasionally, I think he slips those in to see if I notice.
Casey:
Right. Well, he’s gay, right?
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, he’s way gay.
Casey:
Okay, he’s way gay.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And he wants you to wear a Rear Love shirt…
Jeff:
Apparently.
Casey:
And you were like, “What does it say?” And he’s like, “Rare Love,” and you’re like, “Oh, it’s fine.”
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s exactly what I…
Casey:
“Okay, great.”
Jeff:
That’s exactly what I did.
Casey:
Well done.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
And until you pointed it out, I’m like, “Oh, you fucker, I’m never gonna…” So this shirt got…
Casey:
And you’re like, “So do I wear anything underneath these leather things.” He’s like, “No, no, just the leather chaps, that’s it. Pretty much straight.”
Jeff:
“Everybody’s wearing these.”
Casey:
Yeah. “No, it’s fine…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s MTV. It’s fine.
Jeff:
He does slip one in.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I think this time… Like, most of the shirts I got came with a shirt and then a shirt that goes on top. It’s like…
Casey:
A shirt within a shirt, if you will? Like the proverbial play within a play?
Jeff:
Yes, basically, yes, that kind of thing. And one of them…
Casey:
So you buy this shirt that’s, like, $400 and you’re like, “Well, you can’t just wear this shirt because it’s not really a shirt. It’s just a shirt that’s made to go on top of a shirt…”
Jeff:
Or under, yes…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s how they roll… Anyway, so I ended up the entire night just, every 90 minutes…
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
Turning on air dry again, going, “Nope, still not dry. It’s still not dry.”
Casey:
Ugh…
Jeff:
And then, that didn’t work. So I had my fans, you know… ‘Cos no one has air conditioning here in Seattle…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So my fans that I would normally be using to cool off the apartment blowing on all these clothes. And then, I still stuck them in my suitcase wet. And then when I got there, I had to hang them up again.
Casey:
And they were all moldy.
Jeff:
No, it was only a 4-hour… It was only the straight-shot 4-hour flight. So I was able to get them hung up quickly.
Casey:
There’s no such thing as a 4-hour flight to Boston.
Jeff:
It was actually really good. It was 4 and a half hours…
Casey:
Okay, maybe.
Jeff:
Yeah. It was 4 and a half hours there. It was a long time coming back. I guess that’s the wind.
Casey:
If you had really good like, it might be 4 and a half. It should be more like 5 hours 15. So you must’ve had the tail wind up… You must’ve had rear love…
Jeff:
Damn it!
Casey:
All the way from Seattle to Boston to get 4 and a half.
Jeff:
That’s why I wore the shirt, yeah. So anyway, the funny thing…
Casey:
Are you sure it wasn’t a 4 and a half-pound squirrel that flew…
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
Like, a flying squirrel that you flew on the back of from Seattle to Boston?
Jeff:
Rocky? Flew Rocky all the way there? Anyway, so I got there. It was good. Do you know there’s now a Wolfgang Puck’s Exress at the…
Casey:
Yes, sure.
Jeff:
What the fuck is up with that?
Casey:
Wolfgang Fucks has regular restaurants…
Jeff:
Wolfgang Fucks is what I…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, fuck Wolfgang Puck, like…
Casey:
He is… Okay, A, I have no idea why he’s famous. Can’t cook worth a shit. I’ve eaten at, like, multiple restaurants of his, both the high class and low class restaurants…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I have never had anything good. Wolfgang sounds like a German name to me.
Jeff:
Wolfgang…
Casey:
Maybe I’m wrong about that but it sounds German. And everyone knows that Germans only make sausages. So why they would be cooking, you know, like doing a cooking thing…
Jeff:
Is unclear?
Casey:
I don’t understand. That’s like having a British person, like, being a chef, right? It doesn’t make any sense, right? I have no idea how that works. I guess it’s wrong because Julia Child was very famous and she apparently knows how to cook…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And she was British. But no one’s ever heard of a British food that isn’t terrible. So, I don’t know. Maybe he’s like a German guy who studied good cooking.
Jeff:
It was not…
Casey:
Like, not German.
Jeff:
It was not good.
Casey:
You know…
Jeff:
The other thing which was right next to them which I thought was awesome was… Do you know what Crocs are?
Casey:
The shoes?
Jeff:
The shitty plastic thong shoes.
Casey:
Yeah, they’re like strap-on shoes.
Jeff:
They’re the lamest… They’re the ugliest while being the most uncomfortable while being the least fashionable shoe in the universe. Huge Crocs store.
Casey:
So it’s kind of like the iPhone of shoes?
Jeff:
No. No. The anti-iPhone of shoes.
Casey:
It sounds exactly like the iPhone of shoes. It’s worse in every way than, like, a good version of it.
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
But it’s very fashionable and everyone wants one.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Sounds like an iPhone to me.
Jeff:
Stop it. Anyway… So yeah, so we went there… My hotel ended up being in the theater district. So there were playhouses all around us. I think that was called the Commons? Is that right? I think that’s the part of the city.
Casey:
Well, yeah, there is the Commons and it does have…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, I don’t know where you were but… Is there a big park, basically?
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah. There was a park right there.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. What was I gonna say… The play downstairs, I thought you’d get a kick out of it. It was called “Menopause: The Musical”.
Casey:
You know, I have been trying to go to “Menopause: The Musical” for quite some time…
Jeff:
Really? It’s a long-running play?
Casey:
Yes. It was here and I didn’t get to go to it because I was actually in Japan when “Menopause: The Musical” was running here just recently. And I don’t remember…
Jeff:
Oh, God. Can you imagine the Japanese version of “Menopause: The Musical”.
Casey:
And the previous time it was running here, I didn’t get to see it… So it’s been twice now that I haven’t been able to see “Menopause: The Musical”.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s not good.
Casey:
I would like to see it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But I have not seen it.
Jeff:
I imagine their song about hot flashes…
Casey:
I assume. I mean, I imagine that all of the things that you normally associate with menopause…
Jeff:
Is there?
Casey:
Is in there in musical form.
Jeff:
In song form?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Well, let’s see what else happened?
Casey:
It’s like, “This is a duet between me and my uterus.”
Jeff:
Oh, shit.
Casey:
And the uterus is like a character, like, portrayed by a character…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Whether or not I have you removed from me,” kind of a thing. It’s like a big decision point, a big turning point in the musical.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s right.
Casey:
I think if it wasn’t already, “Menopause: The Musical” written by men…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Who have only passing…
Jeff:
Vague idea…
Casey:
Like, a cursory understanding of what actually is going on… It would actually be great, right?
Jeff:
Wouldn’t that be the case? ‘Cos it’s going to be written by gay men…
Casey:
Maybe…
Jeff:
And so, there’s this huge…
Casey:
No, I don’t want that. I don’t want the gay men version of it. I want the straight guys…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Who also therefore don’t really know much about musicals.
Jeff:
Right…
Casey:
So they’re straight males. They don’t know anything about musicals…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they don’t know anything about menopause, writing “Menopause: The Musical”, so it’s mostly about, like, how it interferes with watching football or drinking beer, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, that’s what the musical’s about…
Jeff:
“Bitch acting crazy…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“Won’t get me my food…” Nothing rhymes…
Casey:
No, not rap. Not like “Menopause: The Rap Musical”.
Jeff:
It would even be better.
Casey:
Just “Menopause: The Musical”. Just because it’s a straight male, does not mean he immediately says, “Bitch won’t get me a beer,” right?
Jeff:
I’m sorry. I didn’t I think it does.
Casey:
Okay, my bad.
Jeff:
So the other awesome-ness is we went to a Celtics game. And before the game, you know they have the dance team come out?
Casey:
No. I mean, I’ve never been to Celtics game…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
Well, I mean, just at sporting events, they have the cheerleader dancers come out, okay.
Casey:
I don’t know. I know there’s cheerleaders in sports. Baseball doesn’t have them. That’s the only thing I’ve really been to a game for, so…
Jeff:
So they introduced these dancers and…
Casey:
Why don’t… Baseball never had cheerleaders. Isn’t that interesting?
Jeff:
Yeah, I guess they don’t.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Okay, different topic but, yeah, keep…
Jeff:
I guess the thing is, like, football players and basketball players are physical specimens. So those cheerleaders want to hook up with them. Baseball players are out of weight…
Casey:
Chubby Checkers… Yeah. Old…
Jeff:
Chewing tobacco, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Not making as much money… No, there’s not the…
Casey:
Uh, they make a lot of money.
Jeff:
I guess they have… Well, their car--…
Casey:
I mean, even shitty baseball players are making, like, $200,000, right? I mean, like…
Jeff:
Well, yeah, but that… Compared to a basketball player? It’s ridiculously more for a bas--… Like, basketball, because there’s…
Casey:
Only 5 guys on the team, basically?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Football…
Casey:
I’m just saying that, like, you’re… All professional baseball players, even the really shitty ones, are well past the threshold of making enough money, is what I’m saying.
Jeff:
Yes. Oh, sure.
Casey:
And obviously, there’s dudes making, like, 24 million Dollars or whatever a season, too, but yeah…
Jeff:
Right, but it is…
Casey:
Or not 24 million Dollars a season… What do they make a season? 24 million Dollars is usually a contract number. Do they ever make 24 million Dollars a season?
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s…
Casey:
Yeah, they do. I guess they do.
Jeff:
There’s lots of basketball players that do. I don’t know if there’s a baseball player that does.
Casey:
No, but I meant baseball players.
Jeff:
I think… Isn’t Manny, like… He’s trying to get 20 million a season?
Casey:
Alex Rodriguez was making something like 20 million a season…
Jeff:
Yes, he was making…
Casey:
I don’t remember, something like that…
Jeff:
Well, he got 25…
Casey:
25?
Jeff:
For 10 years…
Casey:
There you go.
Jeff:
And then he resigned for a little less than that.
Casey:
Yeah. So there you go. So there’s somebody making 25 million a season.
Jeff:
He’s definitely the best player. Yep. Well, the percentage that the players make in baseball is way less than the percentage that basketball players…
Casey:
Of the total revenue, you mean, of the game.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Basketball is… Like, I think it’s 60% players, 40% management, which is kind of unheard of in the other sports.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Football is the hardest sport where…
Casey:
Well, there’s also less of them, is the thing, right? In baseball, you’ve got, like, a whole pitching rotation.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Like, those guys only play once every 5 fucking games, you know…
Jeff:
You only get 13 players [ periodically ].
Casey:
In basketball, it’s like… There’s just not that many people. It’s not like we have, like, a different forward every game, you know?
Jeff:
Yeah. Although baseball and basketball do have guaranteed contracts which football doesn’t which is the weirdest one because you’d think…
Casey:
Yeah, you’d think that would be the one you need it.
Jeff:
The one you’d need it where the dude can get, like, crippled in one game and like, “Well, we’re not paying you the rest but…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, they had this thing. They said, “Announcing: Here it is, the Celtics Dance Academy.” And I thought it was the cheerleaders because they came out in skimpy clothes.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The first thing I notice is the first girl had to be 210 pounds, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And I’m like… And still in the same outfits that they normally… Like, fishnet stockings…
Casey:
Alright, yep…
Jeff:
The next about 10 girls were clearly, like 12 years old, right? No development whatsoever. I’m like, “Is this just me? This seems like the worst…” Then, about 3 people came out that were, like, 55. Like, in crazy makeup…
Casey:
What the fuck is going on at this game?
Jeff:
Then, I finally realize that this was not the cheerleaders. Eventually, the cheerleaders did come out…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And they were actually pretty good, high quality cheerleaders…
Casey:
Okay. Alright…
Jeff:
Not… They…
Casey:
And when you say “high quality cheerleaders”, you’re strictly referring to the quality of the cheers that they were doing?
Jeff:
Yeah, right. Their voice was loud and clear and had nothing to do with…
Casey:
They had a lot of team spirit.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. Anyway, I finally realize that, no, this was just an academy where you could go learn how to dance. And somehow, they finagled their way to do the halftime show or the pre-game show of one game. So they’re not there every time.
Casey:
You know what this is? No, I know what this is. I know exactly what this is. This is some kind of, like, mandated community service shit that they got roped into when one of the Celtics, like, shot somebody…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
In, like, Chelsea…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is what happened.
Jeff:
This was pretty scary. I was just… No one else was paying attention, you know. I was looking around. No one was… I’m like, “These are the worst cheerleaders I’ve ever seen, like, in my life…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I thought it was… Like, the first girl that came out that was really heavy, I thought it was a dude in drag. And I thought they were gonna do some crazy dance and he was gonna… It was gonna be funny. And then, no, they just did the dance… And so, yeah, it was pretty brutal. So the other thing is I was in Logan Airport and I was just leaving. And there was this dude in the security line who was really loud with his friend. And you could tell they were the salesmen kind of dude on a road trip. They’re like, “Hey, hey, watch out for this guy. He’s great,” you know, that kind of thing?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
I’m like, “Oh, fuck. I hope, I hope, I hope they’re not going to Seattle.” They were going to Seattle.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
I end up behind him at the… I’m trying to buy a magazine to read…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I’m behind him. I realize he has a newspaper. She goes, beep, does the newspaper…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
She then… There are 4 porn mags under the newspaper. 4.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
One was not sufficient for the trip…
Casey:
Why would you bother with the newspaper at that point?
Jeff:
I guess to cover up the other thing. So she goes… And I’m like… I’m just… I look and I make eye contact with her and we both have this kind of, like, “ugh” kind of look. And then, she kind of smiles and goes, “I need to see your ID, sir.”
Casey:
Yes!
Jeff:
I swear to God it was just to fuck with him. And I think it was because we had this shared moment of she’s gonna mess with this dude.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It was awesome. Oh, wait, the best thing was right before he was checked out, he goes, “You know what, I don’t need this newspaper,” and put the paper back.
Casey:
Are you serious?
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
Are you serious?
Jeff:
So, yeah, it was totally bizarre. Can you imagine sitting next to this dude and he just whips out 4 hours straight of looking at porn on the plane?
Casey:
Well, this is the thing, right…
Jeff:
It was bad…
Casey:
This is why I have never understood that. Like, buying a porn magazine at the airport, like, where is it okay to read that at that point?
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
Like, I don’t understand. You can’t really be sitting in the seat and…
Jeff:
I think they just do.
Casey:
There’s, like, 2 kids sitting next to you and you’re like, “Do you guys mind if I just open this porn mag? Is that cool?”
Jeff:
“Check this out.”
Casey:
“Here you go. Hey, son. Check this shit out.” Yeah, exactly. “Pass it over.”
Jeff:
So, it was pretty crazy. I can hear them the whole time, making jokes with each other, like, “Oh, yeah, blablabla… Oh, yeah, he wants another drink. Blablabla…” It’s like, “Goddamn it. I hate you. I don’t even know you and I hate you so…” Anyway… So yeah but it was a fun trip. I was so tired during the last crazy [ day ].
Casey:
Why were you so tired?
Jeff:
Well, it was just… The games go ‘til, like, midnight. And then, there’s usually a half an hour drive home, like Foxborough took 3 hours to get home…
Casey:
Well, that’s no… The football stadium is nowhere near the city, at all.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s far away.
Casey:
I mean, it’s in the middle of nowhere.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, I was so tired. And so… You know, we’ve talked about this before, like, the really scary public bathrooms over at the old RAD building where you go into those bathrooms and you’re like…
Casey:
Uh…
Jeff:
Remember the bathrooms over in the Garden Building?
Casey:
No, I don’t.
Jeff:
You don’t remember? Like, sometimes, we walk all the way over to this building, to the 2nd floor, where you’re like… The first floor here, the public ones…
Casey:
You know, it’s really weird. I literally cannot… If you asked me to describe even where the bathrooms were, I don’t remember.
Jeff:
Do you remember how you figured out that we had a germophobe because there was a big… We kept finding…
Casey:
Yeah, piles of…
Jeff:
There were paper towels all over the floor.
Casey:
But that was here that I said that.
Jeff:
That was here? Yeah, well, you figured out finally that, like, we must have a germophobe because…
Casey:
I don’t think I said that about the Garden building… Yeah.
Jeff:
We couldn’t figure out why there were paper towels all over the floor…
Casey:
Right, there was piles of paper towels and I was like, “He must be grabbing the door handle with it and dropping it.” Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, open and release…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then stepping out…
Casey:
But wait, what was weird about the old… The bathroom in the Garden building that I should remember?
Jeff:
Since it’s a public building…
Casey:
Unclean?
Jeff:
It was always… There were things where you’re just like, “What the fuck happened here? How is this possible?”
Casey:
That’s this building.
Jeff:
Okay, well…
Casey:
Holy shit, dude. The stuff that happens in the bathroom here. You go in there and there’s this, like… I don’t care which surface. You can basically pick a surface in that bathroom and at some point, I have gone into that bathroom in my tenure at RAD and someone has smeared shit on that surface, right? It’s like, pick the least likely surface you think you can and I’ll be like, “Nope, November 18th, 2001…”
Jeff:
Yeah, “It was on the ceiling.”
Casey:
Someone fucking smeared that shit straight down the side here. Yep. It’s like… They don’t write their name in it or anything, really. It’s just just like… Something happens in there. I don’t know what the deal is
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s No Good.
Jeff:
That’s why you always go to the 2nd floor and up because you can’t get to those easily. So that’s the saving grace.
Casey:
It’s not that you can’t get to them easily. It’s just it’s slightly further.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
That’s enough.
Casey:
It’s like, people will go… Especially people who can’t even be bothered to get their shit into the toilet, you know…
Jeff:
Yeah, are not walking upstairs…
Casey:
Are not gonna… Right.
Jeff:
They’re not gonna be waiting for the elevator to come down…
Casey:
They’re not gonna be like, “Oh, I’m gonna go smear my shit in the wall in a better bathroom, spend the extra 5 minutes for that, right?”
Jeff:
Well, so…
Casey:
That’s not entering into it…
Jeff:
So here’s the bad part of the story where it relates to me.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I was exhausted. I had, like, 4 hours of sleep the entire trip.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I’m just bleary-eyed. I go in and I have to use the urinal.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I never use the urinal, anyway. So I’m always having issues there.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
I never do. I’d rather sit. But in a public place, you don’t want to sit. There’s no way you’d want to go down there.
Casey:
What? Why don’t you like using a urinal? It’s so much more efficient.
Jeff:
It’s not an efficiency thing. It’s a privacy thing.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Like, the worst is the football stadium where you just have the big trough…
Casey:
The trough, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, the trough is so No Good.
Casey:
What’s wrong with the trough?
Jeff:
I want a privacy partition at minimum. I will wait for the…
Casey:
What privacy is being protected there?
Jeff:
I don’t like it. I don’t like… We are an evolved species. We don’t piss in a big trough that you’d normally be feeding pigs or something.
Casey:
But the urine is about to get co-mingled when the pipes then connect on the other side of the wall.
Jeff:
I don’t want to know about that.
Casey:
Who cares when that happens?
Jeff:
I do. I do. I don’t like it. In any case, I always have…
Casey:
That’s ridiculous…
Jeff:
I’ve had issues… I told you this story before where it was really late at night and I went into the RAD one…
Casey:
Right. Well, you told me before that if there’s a bank of 5 urinals, then that means that 3 people can pee at the same time ‘cos there has to be, like…
Jeff:
Really two because the ends should not be really used. ‘Cos then, you’re close to the wall which has, like, cooties. So really, the two…
Casey:
So a 5-urinal bank means 2 people can pee.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So there’s one urinal separating each person and each wall from a person.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Okay. Fabulous.
Jeff:
And if there are open stalls, stalls go first.
Casey:
Right, yes…
Jeff:
No matter what.
Casey:
Of course, absolutely. Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
How could I be so…
Jeff:
So I was tired and I go up to use… And I always have issues… And I go up and I just start peeing…
Casey:
Where are you here?
Jeff:
I’m at Logan Airport.
Casey:
Logan Airport. Alright.
Jeff:
I shouldn’t say because the janitors want to kill me at this point.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The reasons…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So I just start peeing… I’m so tired. I just start peeing.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And finally, I look down and I realized I’m not at a normal height urinal. I’m at one of those midget urinals that are, like, low.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I’m peeing on the wall, above the plumbing that… Like, the autoflusher… I’m like, “Fuck.” And at this point, it’s gone down, around the sides of the urinal. None has gone in. And I’m like, “Ah,” and I aim down. But at that point, the damage had been done.
Casey:
So, I always wondered…
Jeff:
How that shit…
Casey:
While I was… You know, when I was going to the bathroom here and finding these ridiculous things there. I’m like, “How is this happening?” Now… And then, at some point, it stopped happening. That must’ve been the time when you started using the bathroom upstairs.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You. You’re the one who can’t figure out how to use simple bathroom appliances…
Jeff:
No. Usually, when I have urinal issues, it’s just personal embarrassment. Like, I told you the time when I went in there…
Casey:
I could see why it would be embarrassing if you walk up to the urinal with a bunch of people next to you and you just start pissing on the wall.
Jeff:
I don’t like… No.
Casey:
That is somewhat embarrassing, right?
Jeff:
The problem was if you have…
Casey:
Kind of like if somewhat just started pissing in the room right now…
Jeff:
No, wait… No…
Casey:
It’s a little embarrassing, right?
Jeff:
It’s like, you have…
Casey:
Because normally, when people go to bathroom, they piss into the actual urine receptacle…
Jeff:
Stop it. It’s not my fault.
Casey:
Not above it or to the left…
Jeff:
It’s not my fault because…
Casey:
For example, our 2 places where you would not be.
Jeff:
Stop it. It’s not my fault because they were all the same height except for the major one.
Casey:
Let me ask you this. Did the “urinal” you peed into have a hot and cold handle on it?
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
Because we call that a sink.
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Usually, my…
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, I was trying to figure out how to pee in this urinal. It’s really weird. This hot air kept coming out if it.” It’s like, what the fuck? I didn’t think you needed, like, urinal training. They even have a fucking target. I mean, urinals have a thing in them, usually that is a little swirly thing. It’s like, pee here.
Jeff:
Well, this one… Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, it doesn’t say, “Pee here,” but it’s what it’s for.
Jeff:
No, this one didn’t have that…
Casey:
And I always wondered who would need this thing, right? I’m like, I’m peeing in a urinal, I’m like, “Why would they need a target? How could it possible people couldn’t figure out…” But apparently, they do…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Like, you need to have a thing now when you go to the urinal where you’re like…
Jeff:
I’m just saying… You’re at the airport…
Casey:
Verify that you’re on target. Lock on.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
This is like Tom Cruise in “Top Gun”, right? Like, “Lock on to the target first before you start spraying it out there.”
Jeff:
Anyway, that was not good. I felt pretty bad about that.
Casey:
But I’m sure you didn’t do anything about it. You just felt bad.
Jeff:
Yeah. No, I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. In fact, I almost was like… I was only mid-pee done and I’m like, “Fuck, I’m standing here in front of the evidence…”
Casey:
You can’t break it off.
Jeff:
Well, I was thinking of, like, a quick break off and then a sidestep right into the next one…
Casey:
But then it would be like… You’d have, like… The forensics team would come in and be like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No. I see that he started peeing in this one. But you see the splatter pattern across the wall here? He switched in mid-stream.”
Jeff:
Yep. Well, I would have…
Casey:
“He’s got a guilty conscience. We can get this guy. He’s gonna slip up. He’s gonna make a mistake. He’s gonna return to this urinal at some point…”
Jeff:
To the scene of the crime… Yeah.
Casey:
“And pee into it properly…”
Jeff:
Just to prove that he can.
Casey:
“Just to prove that he can.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And we’ll be waiting.
Jeff:
And we’ll be ready.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, that was so horrible. I think, like, at an airport, since people are tired and rundown, they shouldn’t throw you any surprises. All the urinals, same height. They shouldn’t have, like, urinal, urinal, urinal, urinal… Are those for little kids?
Casey:
I assume that they are but the thing I was gonna say is normally, when I’ve seen them, which is why, again, it seems like your story is tenuous, at best, and you were probably just fucking up the peeing experience. But, like…
Jeff:
Well, no. If it wasn’t a midge urinal, I’d have to be straight up to clear the urinal top.
Casey:
Dude, I’m still not convinced that you actually were peeing into a urinal. Like, if you actually couldn’t tell whether you were peeing into… And it’s not dark. You didn’t walk into a lights out bathroom or something, right?
Jeff:
I wasn’t paying attention.
Casey:
It wasn’t like a Larry Craig spectacular, okay? You were in a fully-lit public bathroom. And somehow, you missed the urinal. At this point, I’m still wondering whether or not you were fucking peeing in the gift shop, right? Like, I’m not even certain how we can know what was happening. Anyway, on the urinal front, most of the time when I’ve seen the low ones, it’s not that they start lower, right? They just end lower. Like, they’re a longer urinal.
Jeff:
Oh, no. Not this one.
Casey:
So sometimes, they mount the same size lower. But other times, they just have one that’s, like, floor to ceiling. You know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
In fact, I think even in this building, we have the same ones that are mounted… The exact same ones just mounted very low.
Casey:
Just mounted lower?
Jeff:
Yes. But anyway…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, there’s one other funny thing. On the way back…
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
The pilot was like, “Okay, we’re coming into Seattle and I’m about to turn on the…” What do they call them? The running lights or something inside the plane?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he said, “You might want to close your eyes because it’s gonna be a little bright. Give yourself a little time to do it. Alright, here we go. Flicking it now.” Nothing happens. He goes, “Whoops, sorry. Oh, here we go. Flicking it now.” Click. Nothing happens. And I’m thinking, “What are the other buttons?” And finally, like, “Oh, there we go. The third time’s the charm.” Click. And then they came on. I’m like, “What the fuck?”
Casey:
Way to inspire confidence. Yeah, totally.
Jeff:
I looked around to see if anybody else was freaked, like, what did he do? Did he, like, deploy the landing gear or retract it?
Casey:
Right. Yeah. The inflatable raft is fluttering up the back of the plane right now. It’s like…
Jeff:
I was totally freaked out but no one else seemed to care.
Casey:
Well, I don’t know that I would be worried that he hit the wrong button that did something now. I would be more worried about, like, if that’s the kind of precision that you’re operating the plane under… It’s like, when it comes time to do something important for landing, it’s like, what the fuck?
Jeff:
Yep. Whoops.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, I thought that was the landing gear. It wasn’t the landing gear. Sorry…”
Jeff:
“My bad. We’ll do that again.”
Casey:
“We’ll just skid to a stop. It’ll be fine.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, it was a good trip. What did you do while I was gone?
Casey:
I didn’t do anything in particular, just working normally. I did… I wanted to make mention of this on the podcast as a little shout-out to all the Linux users out there. I did start migrating the Farm machines for the render farm. It used to be a 5-machine farm running Windows XP.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I left the 5 machines over at Windows XP. When I made new machines, I migrated those over. So they’re running Windows XP now. But there’s a 6th machine in the farm now. As a test, I’m gonna run it under Linux.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
’Cos I’m fucking sick of Windows XP.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, Windows XP is going away. Like, Windows in general and Microsoft products are going away. It’s just a matter of time. And we’re working on a plan. We have a Blue Ribbon panel at Molly Rocket…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Assigned to figure out how we’re gonna get rid of this crap.
Jeff:
You’re learning how to read lips? ‘Cos you can’t get sound out of Linux at all, apparently. That’s just…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. That may be the case. That may well be the case, yes. Sound is probably an issue, I’m sure.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’d probably be easier to figure out automatic lip-reading software than to actually get sound working.
Casey:
Right. However…
Jeff:
Yeah. But this is for rendering…
Casey:
Headless farm machine, on the other hand…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
May, in fact, be in the wheelhouse, you know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Right at its alley, yeah.
Casey:
In the Linux wheelhouse, right?
Jeff:
The strike zone.
Casey:
So just to give a sort of A-B comparison, if you will…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I had these machines already installed Windows XP, right. These are the old farm machines, already had Windows XP installed, okay?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So what we’re doing here is taking the motherboard away, okay, plugging in the hard drive to a new motherboard…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
And booting it is all we’re trying to do, okay. The machine configuration does not change in any way. All Windows needs to do is update the drivers. That’s it, right?
Jeff:
Sounds like a plan.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s right in the workspace.
Casey:
That process takes, like, an hour because basically, what it has to do is it has to run a complete Windows repair install…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is just a vanilla Windows install that doesn’t delete the other [inaudible 30:37]
Jeff:
Doesn’t host the registry.
Casey:
Right. So it takes literally, like, 30+ minutes to do that, right?
Jeff:
And it worked, though?
Casey:
It works.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I mean, all it does is it just re-installs Windows and doesn’t delete the other things on C drive.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? That’s all it’s gonna do.
Jeff:
And it leaves the registry unchanged…
Casey:
Pretty much, as far as I can tell. So it does that. And I just assume they must, like, redo all the keys that are based on the machine or something.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And that might be a complete disaster if you had a real full-on machine. But for these machines, which only had maximal render on it…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And 3D Studio Max is non-licensed installation, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, an installation that can’t boot the [inaudible 31:16] right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That worked okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it seems to work fine. But it still took 30 minutes and so on and still has all the same problems that Windows fucking does such as the fact that you can’t remote desktop to it unless you share a drive to it first because, like, it can’t seem to figure out the fact that the machine is there…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Unless you, like, use some other part of Net BIOS to establish a connection. It’s like, “Oh, hey, look. It’s a remote desktop machine.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Whoopty-doo, like, I have no…” Like, shit that just blows.
Jeff:
You could set the IP’s in hosts, though, ‘cos it’s an IP problem. It’s getting the name.
Casey:
It’s not an IP problem because I’m connecting to them by IP.
Jeff:
You can’t connect by an IP number?
Casey:
That’s correct.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. I’ve never seen that. I’ve seen the thing where, like, you can’t connect but mapping a drive or sharing a drive gets it into the Win server that’s remembering all the names to that…
Casey:
I will double check but I did everything by IP to avoid this problem. And they do not use DHCP. They are hard-coded IP addresses.
Jeff:
No, I’ve had that problem.
Casey:
They booted a hard-coded IP address, the remote desktop links are to a hard-coded IP address. And still, it’s like, I can’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
There’s no machine there. I was just there. I just came from there. And there’s no machine there. And you’re like, [ “No, there’s a machine there.” ]
Jeff:
Remote desktop uses Windows name resolution, not DNS.
Casey:
Right, awesome. Good job. Yeah, no, they’re fabulous. They’ve got…
Jeff:
I’ve had that problem but it always was solved by just…
Casey:
No. Retarded and slow…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like everything in Microsoft. Okay. So I’m like, “Okay, I’m gonna try this Ubuntu thing.”
Jeff:
The last machine, you were gonna Ubuntu.
Casey:
I’m gonna do the Ubuntu.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I get… Oh, and here’s the other awesome thing, right, like… Windows 64, right, like… I can’t do…
Jeff:
Were these all Windows 64?
Casey:
No. They were 32… I can’t do 64-bit computing. I can’t run, like, big renders on them because, of course, Windows can’t run… Like, God forbid it should run [ this sort of thing ] without you having to go buy a separate license for the OS.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
I’d have to go fucking buy some $300 piece of software to fucking run a 64-bit render, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So there’s all this awesome stuff about the Windows XP that just sucks, right?
Jeff:
Right. So you did 64-bit?
Casey:
So the Ubuntu one, I go on the webpage. I download the ISO for Ubuntu server, 64-bit.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I burn the CD image. I have the CD. I turn on the machine. I put the CD in, right?
Jeff:
They got the installers down now.
Casey:
Run the installation… It takes literally, like, 10 minutes. I mean, it was like a small, tiny, miniscule fraction of the Windows install time.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It boots just already able to have me, like, log into it. And it logs in flawlessly. And I can do everything… It’s no different, right, using it there or here. There’s no, like, weird remote desktop drive showing weirdness or any of that shit. It just worked, right? I downloaded the Maxwell [ tar ] unzipped it, and ran the program and it rendered. That was it.
Jeff:
Wow, that’s pretty good.
Casey:
On Windows, that doesn’t work. If you download Maxwell Render and tried to run it, that doesn’t work at all for a number of reasons, right?
Jeff:
You have to run the installer?
Casey:
Not only do you have to run the installer but you also have to go to Microsoft’s website and download some side by side assemblies thing…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Because they fucked it up. So it’s like… No, getting Maxwell Render to run, through no fault of [inaudible 34:23] like, they just build, like, with [ BC-2009 ] and they don’t know the magic switches they’re supposed to click…
Jeff:
Yeah, if you don’t know… Yeah.
Casey:
Right? They don’t know all the magic switches they’re supposed to click so it doesn’t work and you have to install the shit. And they don’t know why because their machines have that thing installed and whatever. So it’s a complete disaster. And on Linux, they’re just like, [inaudible 34:40]
Jeff:
Yep, that’s pretty awesome.
Casey:
So it’s like, yeah, Ubuntu server 64 running 64-bit Maxwell now. So it’s like a better version of Maxwell…
Jeff:
Yeah. Is it faster? Like…
Casey:
It’s 17% faster…
Jeff:
That’s about…
Casey:
Than the same thing running on XP.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s about right.
Casey:
On the same machine.
Jeff:
Yeah. I get about that same speed up on Bink, you know, Win-64 to Win-32… It’s just a lot of extra registers, all the standard…
Casey:
So it’s just, like, fucking Microsoft can blow me. So all the machines are going to Ubuntu. That’s it. They’re going to…
Jeff:
You haven’t done that yet but you’re going to?
Casey:
I haven’t done it yet but it is absolutely the case. Like, the [ test ones, as well ].
Jeff:
Did you have to install a graphics driver? Or did you…
Casey:
Well, no, because I don’t use any graphics.
Jeff:
Okay. So you just basically SSHN to get…
Casey:
Well, eventually, I won’t do anything in. They’ll just boot, running my daemon…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
I’ll compile my little render distributor as a daemon and I won’t… They’ll never do anything.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
That’s the other thing. They boot in a tiny fraction of time as XP. The farm machine, you turn the farm machine on, and you can SSH to it like that.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You turn on the Windows XP machine, it’s like an hour later…
Jeff:
Yeah. They don’t start all…
Casey:
It’s like, Jesus Christ…
Jeff:
Yeah. I think one thing that’s funny is that Windows has a whole bunch more tech in things like caching of the DVD, of how they start EXE’s, how they optimize it for loading, all this stuff…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just to fix the rest of the retarded system. So you’re like, if Linux had even 10% of those little things…
Casey:
Oh, that’s true. Yeah.
Jeff:
It would probably… The install would take 5 seconds, right?
Casey:
That’s probably true.
Jeff:
’Cos the installer’s non… It’s just awful, right? Their drive support is the basic low-level stuff. It’s not doing anything smart at all. And Microsoft does do a lot of smart things in there…
Casey:
Well, maybe. I don’t know. I mean…
Jeff:
To make up for that stuff. Well, they don’t ‘cos… I mean, well, they don’t at least on the user side because I can see how much better… How much faster the DVD’s are to access under Bink and stuff…
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
But the rest of the machine is so fast that it makes up for it. So, yeah, it’s pretty awesome. That’s cool. That’s cool.
Casey:
No, it website fucking…
Jeff:
I’ve used it in a couple places. I still… The sound thing still kills me every time. Video’s getting better. It’s still… Like, if you have an NVIDIA card where u have to use the closed-source drivers, it’s still pretty hit and miss…
Casey:
Yeah, but that’s NVIDIA’s fault for being douches about that. It’s like, God forbid someone should see our drivers.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’ll be happy when NVIDIA’s gone. I’ll be very happy.
Jeff:
They’re having a rough go of it lately.
Casey:
Oh, I know. And I’m loving every minute of it. I mean, Jesus, it’s a fucking graphics card. Release your drivers.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s not that big of a deal, okay.
Jeff:
Well, there’s secret stuff in there.
Casey:
Oh, I’m sure there’s… Yeah, there’s tons of secrets in there…
Jeff:
They’re patented…
Casey:
All the shit that you do to fake your benchmark results is what’s in there, right? They don’t want you to see all the shit they’re doing to Game 3 mark and all the shit they do to tweak half light performance or something, right? Like, that’s what’s in there.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
Well, we had another… If you want amazing, we had another one sent to us by Ryan Ellis. And this wasn’t so much a story as a video.
Jeff:
Was this an animal?
Casey:
No, this was not an animal. Ryan… I mean…
Jeff:
Ryan “The Animal”…
Casey:
Ryan has sent many animal videos…
Jeff:
Ryan “The Animal” Ellis…
Casey:
Ryan “The Animal” Ellis has sent many animal videos, obviously.
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
As have you…
Jeff:
Several…
Casey:
I don’t report them all here because what is there left to say at this point, right? Although, this was interesting. I was talking to someone the other day. I mailed you guys about this. I was talking to someone the other day and they were like, “Oh, did you see that link that’s the Shiba Inu camp?”
Jeff:
I mailed it to Alicia and not to you.
Casey:
I’m like, “Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me that there’s an animal link out there that they did not send me? What happened?”
Jeff:
It was puppies, so I didn’t send it to you. I sent it to Alicia and she liked it.
Casey:
So I only get cats?
Jeff:
No, cats or just really stupid things…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, things that I just…
Casey:
So if I might actually enjoy it, that doesn’t go down the wire?
Jeff:
We talked about my sociopathic link policy.
Casey:
Goddamn it. Anyway, this link from Ryan Ellis was a movie…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Where they showed… This was sort of the exercise vehicle of the future, Jeff.
Jeff:
Right. And any of our listeners, they’re looking for investors. So we’ll put that link…
Casey:
We probably… We have some listeners who work at very sort of up-and-coming companies, well-funded…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Probably have disposable income, might be looking for a good investment…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
In these economic times when stocks are looking troublesome…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They might consider…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This golden investment opportunity.
Jeff:
This possible. Eat that candy.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Eat that candy. You’re killing me?
Casey:
My suckers, you mean?
Jeff:
Yes. You’re eating that sucker. It’s driving me crazy.
Casey:
Why is it driving you crazy?
Jeff:
’Cos you’re talking funny because of it.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And you’re about to read them a story.
Casey:
Well, you tell them what it is. No, I can’t read a story. There’s nothing to read. It was a video.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. The story is… I wish I remembered the name of this vehicle because it is impressive.
Casey:
It’s called the Power Treadmobile.
Jeff:
The Power Treadmobile?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. So it’s basically a treadmill where they hooked up the treadmill portion via some gears and other high technology, things that we can’t understand as software people, you know…
Casey:
Right, certainly.
Jeff:
Yeah. To wheels… And the entire treadmill is raised off the ground. And running on the treadmill causes the wheels to turn, propelling you forward.
Casey:
That’s right. And you steer somehow with handlebars.
Jeff:
It had handlebars. Do you remember how shitty the handlebars looked?
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know how it was steering, really.
Jeff:
They were, like, welded on…
Casey:
Yeah, I couldn’t really tell exactly how you were steering it but you were steering it somehow. Now…
Jeff:
This was the Fred Flintstone mobile of the future.
Casey:
This is amazing, though, because the reason this is amazing is because it basically takes the features of the 2 things it’s combining and removes the parts of them that you want, right? The point of a treadmill is that you don’t have to go anywhere to use it, right?
Jeff:
Outside…
Casey:
It’s like, it stays in one place so I can just… ‘Cos if you wanted to run, you’d just go run, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You wouldn’t need to run on a treadmill.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The point of a treadmill is to stay stationary while you are running.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Then they took a car, whose point is so that you don’t have to do the work…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To get someplace, to get there faster…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They took that out of the car and they smooshed these 2 together and ended up with the vehicle where you’d have to do the work and it moved. So you have to have some, like, path to go down…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And so on.
Jeff:
I like the part that…
Casey:
I have no idea how someone, in their head, thought that this was a good idea. I mean, it’s staggering.
Jeff:
Here’s what I don’t get. You have both the intelligence to make the machine and yet not the intelligence to not make it in the first place, right?
Casey:
That’s right. You were right at that point. Yeah, it doesn’t… Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s also a combination of strange things, right?
Casey:
Yes, that’s right. It doesn’t seem possible on some level.
Jeff:
Right. It doesn’t make any sense at all.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like the picture of the 2 guys on it at once.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They had 2 people running, like 2 manpowers…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which didn’t seem like it was going any faster…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because one guy can’t go any faster than the first guy, right, because he can make it a little easier but not if their feet are on at the exact same time, like…
Casey:
Well, my thought on that was they were looking for something that would be even less manly than a bike that 2 people pedal…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They were like, “Is there any way we can have 2 guys doing something fitness-oriented together that lands somewhere in between the 2 bikes thing and the ‘we’re lifting weights together’ which is way off the top, right?” They were like, “We got it. 2 guys in jogging shorts, sandwiched between each other on this fucking treadmill…”
Jeff:
Right. Can’t go too fast. Can’t go too slow.
Casey:
Right, exactly. And that was perfect, right?
Jeff:
Yep. And the rear guy…
Casey:
“Here, let me hold on to your shoulders…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“So I can steady myself.”
Jeff:
Or their hips.
Casey:
Yeah, the hips. Right, exactly… So they can be in sync. I’m trying to think of other things. They’d be like, “Oh, we’ve got an abacus that prints out a digital readout of the sum,” right, so it’s like… It’s awesome. You can still do all the moving of the beads to compute the result but you don’t have to count them up, right?
Jeff:
The thing that it reminded me off is that standard rant I have about games not being sports even though people want them to be. Like…
Casey:
Oh, the Professional Gaming Association?
Jeff:
Professional sports game or… Yeah… And it’s like, “You know what, games are so not a spectator sport,” right? Like, they show these cut together with fast graphics and everything just like ESPN. And it’s just a clip of somebody playing a random piece of game, right? And he’s like, “Oh, look, he took this guy out.” And you’re like, “Yeah, he did. It’s the 37th time he did it,” right? Let me tell you what’s not a sport. If the sport’s representing something that would be more impressive if they were doing it with the original thing, it’s not a sport, right?
Casey:
Right, right. Yep.
Jeff:
Now, you’d be like, “Oh, you know what, this music is really impressive when he drew a picture of a keyboard on a screen and you move the mouse pointer back and forth and click on all the keys.”
Casey:
Well, but that’s Guitar Hero, right? It’s like, people fucking do this. They post a, “Here’s me doing Guitar Hero.” Like, “What are you fucking talking about? It’s not impressive to play a hard level of Guitar Hero. It’s way easier to do that than just the dude who did the original song.”
Jeff:
Right. And if you take out…
Casey:
Like, it’s already a way easier thing to do.
Jeff:
Right. Here’s the thing. If you subtract out the video and audio part of whatever you’re showing the recording of… So in Guitar Hero, you subtract out the song, all you’re gonna see is someone going… If you take the Counter-Strike and take away all the gunfire and shooting, you’re just gonna see someone moving the mouse and clicking it, right? If you do that in the real world, they still have a gun and things are still falling down, right? That’s like… No, it’s not a sport. I’m sorry. It’s just not. And that’s exactly what this reminded me of. It’s like, not the thing that you’re doing. It’s like, not running and yet not driving. It’s this weird, like, second derivative of running.
Casey:
On the games and sports angle, though, the thing that’s interesting to me about that is that they’re trying really hard to make that work. And it’s just not working.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And part of that is just…
Jeff:
I like how they…
Casey:
A, nobody knows who these people are.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, nobody.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I don’t care how much you play Halo…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You have never heard of the PGA Halo tournament winner or something, right? It’s like, I don’t even now where you even go to find this out. I imagine you’d go to some website or something, right? But also, there’s supposed to be the separation between… Like let’s say when we were in little league, playing baseball or something, right… You know who the people are who play professional baseball, right? Like, part of the going out and playing the baseball is thinking of the real baseball players, like you want to…
Jeff:
Right. “I’m gonna hit it like Manny.” Or, “I’m gonna hit it…” Yeah.
Casey:
You already are the same person…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, there’s nothing different about you going online and playing a game of Halo as some PGA guy. It’s not a different league. It’s not a different anything. The activity is the same. It looks essentially the same. Like, everything about it is the same. And we don’t know who they are. No, you’ve never heard of them.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’s no celebrity cache whatsoever. I don’t know. I mean…
Jeff:
It doesn’t make any sense.
Casey:
It seems destined for failure. I don’t know how they’re gonna be able to do it.
Jeff:
Yeah, every time a professional gaming league fails, they always blame it on, like, “Yeah, we just didn’t have enough sponsors and we didn’t have this…” No. That’s not it. The thing is if you show me a clip of your professional game player and you showed me a clip of some other random guy. I couldn’t tell…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Except the good guy did it a few more times a second than the other guy. It’s just not ever going to happen, ever. So anyway… But yeah, that’s what the little running by second derivative device reminded me of immediately. So…
Casey:
Well, the other thing, too, about it is that games, by definition… Commercial games are designed so that even if you’re not good at them, they produce spectacular results.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
Like, you might be an idiot but you shoot at a gas tank and it explodes and looks awesome.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s game design. People are trying to make you have this experience, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Baseball, basketball, hockey are designed to be difficult to get an impressive thing to happen, right? It’s like, it’s not the same thing, right?
Jeff:
It’s designed for the exact obstacle…
Casey:
It’s designed as a test of skill, not as a reward for you fucking around, basically. So, I mean, they’d have to start making different kinds of games, too.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Where it was absolutely a shitty experience where nothing happened interesting unless you were awesome.
Jeff:
Right, or until you played 50,000 hours…
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And all of a sudden, you can shoot somebody. Until then, you can’t hit anything…
Casey:
Not at all… Right, exactly. I know you have a gun but you haven’t figured out where the gun is yet. Who knows where. It could be anywhere.
Jeff:
Oy… Not good..
Casey:
So anyway, yeah. That’s circumlocuting…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, not circumlocuting… Coming back around to the original point was the treadmill, great investment opportunity…
Jeff:
Yeah, any one of our listeners…
Casey:
Yeah, we can’t post a link to that if you want to go ahead and send your Dollars to that right away. I’m sure it’s gonna be huge.
Jeff:
Yeah. Everything about that was awesome because it looked kind of… It was kind of Fred Flintstone’s car where you just run and then the car moved and your feet stick out at the bottom. Only… And they even made it look like it in the sense of it was really just a treadmill and the wheels were not big bicycle wheels. They were round, tiny wheels…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Like, moon rover wheels, right?
Casey:
Yep. It looked very strange. It was a very strange.
Jeff:
It looked really like Fred Flintstone’s vehicle.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It was really close. So everything made you think of it. So, yep, get it on that while you can. I mean, they’re gonna be swamped soon.
Casey:
Yeah, they’re not gonna need your money…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Pretty soon… Well, I think that it’s been a while, Jeff.
Jeff:
It has.
Casey:
And listeners have waited long enough, if you will…
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
For the next batch…
Jeff:
I didn’t know what you’re going at but…
Casey:
Of things that are Good/No Good.
Jeff:
Good/No Good? Okay. I’m ready.
Casey:
You can’t keep the public waiting.
Jeff:
These are from listeners?
Casey:
These are from listeners.
Jeff:
Okay. Are these all from listeners or one is from you?
Casey:
These are actually all from listeners because it’s been so long since we’ve done one…
Jeff:
That they’ve queued up?
Casey:
That we’ve got 3 listener ones… So I don’t know if I’m gonna have a chance to scoot one of mine in.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In the meantime…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I will begin with one from… And I hope I’m pronouncing this at all right but Gershom Gannon-O’gara.
Jeff:
O’gara?
Casey:
Or O’gara… I’m not sure I pronounce it right.
Jeff:
Okay. Did he say where he’s from?
Casey:
Nope, did not provide… Sounds Irish-y or Scottish-y like the name Irish to me sounds… But I don’t know…
Jeff:
Right. At first I thought it was Japanese but you said it was O’?
Casey:
O’gara. And Gershom Gannon… It sounds Irish to me.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But you know, my ethnicity knowledge is not superb.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So, I don’t know. Could be from anywhere, though.
Jeff:
That would be awesome. If we have a listener in Ireland, that’s even more awesome but…
Casey:
That is even more awesome.
Jeff:
Maybe he’s just American.
Casey:
We don’t have any listeners from Ireland, yet, do we? Anyway, he wrote in to say, “I would call in but I’m at work and I never remember to call when I get off. I want to know what Jeff thinks of face makeup. Now, there are many elements to this but I’m thinking of Halloween face makeup, particularly before and after Halloween, though any thoughts about its use on Halloween itself would be welcome.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“This can be everything from fake scars to white face powder to Rocky Horror-style use of lipstick on things other than lips as a possible starting point for this. A few weeks before Halloween, there were groups of teenagers with zombie face paint, wandering around the streets of NYC and blocking traffic. What are your thoughts on the use of face paint?” Now, the NYC sounds like maybe he’s from New York City.
Jeff:
NYC. I see. Yes.
Casey:
But, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Okay. I can address this in a couple ways. The first way, the more common way than Halloween is at sporting events which I just was at, right?
Casey:
That’s right. At any time of the year…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It can be found.
Jeff:
Now, let me tell you the saddest point in time for a face painter.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. Both of the games I went to, okay, the home team lost. We were the jinx, okay. There is nothing sadder than a car of face painters stuck in an hour-long traffic jam, getting out of the fucking city, right?
Casey:
After the team lost…
Jeff:
After the team lost…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yep. When we went to a Sea Hawks game here and they were playing the 49ers… The 49ers is my brother’s team so he’s really excited. And the 49ers won. And we were walking home. And there were 2 dudes in a pickup truck, full face paint, just so sad… And we’re walking in front of them and Brendan goes, “Man, you guys must feel pretty stupid right now.” And I was like, “Whoa!” And the dudes were all, “Grrr…” And raging… He gunned his motor, revving it up and stuff. But at the end, there was nothing he could do. He’s still a face-painted loser.
Casey:
Dude stuck in traffic, yeah.
Jeff:
Right, stuck in traffic.
Casey:
Nothing to do…
Jeff:
Nothing you can do, just be very sad. So face painting is No Good. The Halloween thing, like, the face painting is almost the laziest costume you can do, right? Because all you’re gonna do is break into the wife’s makeup…
Casey:
Yep, just like your Friday night.
Jeff:
Lipstick to do the… It’s, like, worse than cutting 2 holes on a sheet and throwing it over your head and, “I’m a ghost,” right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Not as bad as, like, the dudes that are kind of usually overage for trick or treating and they just show up and they’re just like, “Give me some candy,” right. They don’t even “trick or treat”, it’s not necessary to even do that.
Casey:
Now, I don’t like face makeup for myself, at all. I don’t like putting on shit like this. It kinda feels like putting on sunscreen. It feels gross. I don’t like it at all. So there’s that. But in my mind, the face paint thing, is not as bad as the forced costume thing. Like, when your place of employment requires that you wear a costume on Halloween.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Oh, Goddamn it.
Casey:
And you’re like, being served by somebody in a costume who’s totally unhappy about it. They show up with bunny ears on and a big fluffy suit with a puffy tail or something. And they’re like, “Welcome to Friday’s. Can I take your order?”
Jeff:
You know, that’s funny. I was just about to say, “Welcome to Friday’s,” ‘cos there’s something about…
Casey:
And it just so sucks and you’re just like, “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be demeaned but what can you do. The situation is ridiculous.”
Jeff:
No, here’s what I don’t get is how do those people not go, “You know what, I’m going back to college.” Because you wake up, you’re having to wear a costume to a job where you’re demeaned all fucking day…
Casey:
Yeah. I don’t know.
Jeff:
And you have to wear this costume that you don’t spend any time on. So you know it’s gonna suck.
Casey:
I know.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s not good.
Casey:
It’s terrible.
Jeff:
We saw a lot of costumes with our crazy Halloween. I liked the one kid that just walked up. He was wearing one glove. And I’m like, “What are you supposed to be?” And he goes, “I’m Michael Jackson. I rape children.” And you’re just like…
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah, he just said that straight ahead.
Jeff:
And I’m like…
Casey:
And he wasn’t, like, 19.
Jeff:
No, no. He was, like, 11.
Casey:
14. Yeah. Okay, whatever.
Jeff:
It was pretty out of control. I gave him an extra candy.
Casey:
Yeah. Certainly. Well, he’s gonna need all that candy for getting the children…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
For luring them into the car, right?
Jeff:
That’s right, into his van.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So No Good.
Casey:
No Good.
Jeff:
No Good on face painting.
Casey:
No Good on face painting. Alright…
Jeff:
No… In sporting events, Halloween, either…
Casey:
Excellent.
Jeff:
Yep. Easter…
Casey:
Our next Good/No Good is actually a pair. You have to do 2 Good/No Good’s because they’re not… I can’t separate them.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
’Cos they’re an audio clip.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
And it comes from Ryan Ellis.
Jeff:
Okay, Ryan “The Animal”…
Casey:
Who normally, I actually know, normally, where Ryan Ellis lives. But based on the audio clip, it sounds like he was not recording it from his house.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I’ll go ahead and play that for you now.
Voice:
Personal transmission. Commander Ryan Ellis, front line, Martian Wars.
Ryan:
Hey, Jeff & Casey, this is Ryan. I can't talk long but I have some Good/No Good's for you. First one… Millionth customer contest… You know, like the ones where you’re the millionth customer and you win something?
Voice:
Sir!
Ryan:
What is it, Private?
Voice:
We’re out of peanut butter.
Ryan:
Tell them to switch to tuna fish.
Voice:
Yes, sir.
Ryan:
Anyway, my second Good/No Good is — The feeling you get when you bit into a York Peppermint Patty…
Voice:
[inaudible 55:22] It’s so cold.
Ryan:
[inaudible 55:30]
Jeff:
That was awesome.
Casey:
So, if I may summarize based on the audio clip…
Jeff:
That is awesome. Now, Ryan is an artist.
Casey:
He’s an artist.
Jeff:
That is some seriously good audio processing. And he’s raised the bar for everyone so far…
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know…
Jeff:
We don’t want people to think they have to… That is insane.
Casey:
No. That is too much.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Calling the phone number is sufficient.
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
You don’t need to actually start a galactic war and record your Good/No Good’s from outer space and send them back to us.
Jeff:
Which apparently was how he did it because that was perfect.
Casey:
Right. If you do happen to do that, it’s fine.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because I don’t care about the death of alien species at all but, like, yeah… If I may summarize…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There were 2 Good/No Good’s in there. First one is “millionth customer” contests which I assume is where you happen to be the person who’s bought the millionth item…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And then you win something.
Jeff:
Okay. And what was the second one?
Casey:
Well, I’ll ask you the second one after you tell me the first one.
Jeff:
Okay. So the million… Yeah, that’s a terrific one because that one, I actually thought, “How fucked up is that?”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because they’ve turned the fact that you’re consuming something into more publicity for them. It’s like…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right? It’s like advertising slowly eating itself. Another thing is most of the time, when I finally go to the store, right, when I need to get out of the condo or RAD…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s to buy something I have to have.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
It’s something I can’t…I’m not planning for this…
Casey:
Like adult diapers or…
Jeff:
Deodorant, urinal cakes…
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
These kinds of things, right? So what that means… What scares me about it is if I’m ever the millionth customer, right…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s gonna be something horrid that’s like, “Heeeyyy… Let’s see what you got here in your basket.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Okay…”
Casey:
“I’m gonna need an ID check on that porn, sir…”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Like you were saying in the airport, it’s gonna be that.
Jeff:
Yeah. It would be some kind of emergency that would be totally embarrassing. The other thing is I don’t ever want to be called out. Like, if I was the millionth customer, I would say, “You know what, pass, go to the next person. I don’t want any of this.”
Casey:
Well, to me, it sounds more like, “Congratulations, you do something every fucking other person does and you’re completely un-unique in every way. Here’s an extra bonus item,” or something.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Well, it’s also…
Casey:
Right, it’s like…
Jeff:
“Hey, you’re our millionth customer. Here’s a $20 gift certificate.” You’re like, “You know what, fuck you. This cost me more in embarrassment than your $20 is gonna come back,” right? And they put a hat on you. There’s balloons and shit. They give you a giant check that says, “$20”…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And with a whole bunch of stars because there’s a big gap. You know, when you get a big check…
Casey:
Which probably cost more than the $20, but yeah…
Jeff:
Goddamn it. No Good.
Casey:
So No Good on [ millionth customer ]. The other thing that Ryan transmitted to you was the feeling that you get when you bite into a York Peppermint Patty. And I assume here that he means probably both the feeling itself and the whole concept that that was a thing that they marketed.
Jeff:
Right. So here’s the thing…
Casey:
First, do you like York Peppermint Patties?
Jeff:
No. No.
Casey:
So York Peppermint Patty itself…
Jeff:
Yes, No Good.
Casey:
Already No Good? Okay.
Jeff:
And the best part about this advertising campaign is they’ve highlighted the worst part which is biting through the shitty chocolate…
Casey:
Okay, yeah, the low-grade chocolate. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. Everywhere else you eat on it is going to have less chocolate… Like, you’re gonna have at least one of the surfaces, the okay peppermint part, right? But the first bite that you have, the chocolate is completely engulfed by your tongue…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
You’re just getting the full on, like, “Here is the Hershey’s shit chocolate…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“That is, like, shat out of the good chocolate factory next door…”
Casey:
Right. We’ve reduced the actual expensive ingredients to the lowest possible level they can be and still have it taste anything like chocolate.
Jeff:
Right. And then, highlighted that fact, right. And also, let’s just say they always equate this to some crazy experience like, “I’m on Mt. Everest,” or, “I’m on sky--…”
Casey:
Waterskiing or…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. Skydiving…
Jeff:
99% of the people eating York Peppermint Patty don’t leave their fucking couches, right? They buy it in the bulk bag, right? They don’t like them because they have to unwrap every one of them. They’d rather just have a big disk, like Pringles. Like, you open the top and then just pull them out and pound them, right. So why are you equating this to… Like, they’re never gonna know what this means, you know. They should have it like, York Peppermint Patty, it’s like that first bite’s when Rachel and Ross got together…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah…
Jeff:
Some bullshit fucking TV moment that’s, like, completely bullshit emotion because that’s what it is.
Casey:
“I bit into a York Peppermint Patty and suddenly Oprah’s on again, 24 hours a day.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, “Sam & Diane got together again when I bit into my York Peppermint Patty.”
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Anyway, yeah… No, that’s no good.
Casey:
Alright, so No Good. So double No Good.
Jeff:
And the whole fucking candy is No Good…
Casey:
No Good.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The feeling’s No Good. The candy’s No Good. And the advertising campaign…
Jeff:
The advertising campaign…
Casey:
About it is also No Good.
Jeff:
It is poorly designed.
Casey:
Okay. So they’re just basically completely No Good.
Jeff:
Yes. Right.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
They’re gonna need a bailout next month, I’m sure.
Casey:
The problem with York Peppermint Patties is just the housing crisis.
Jeff:
Yeah. You know, we’d be fine. Our shitty candy would be selling fine if it wasn’t for the fact that we can’t get temporary credit, you know…
Casey:
The credit crisis, the credit crunch…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We can’t get a credit line.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
How are you supposed to [ print ] York Peppermint Patties?
Jeff:
Yep, exactly.
Casey:
Our final Good/No Good this week comes from Thatcher Ulrich…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Also from New York City…
Jeff:
Yes, okay. Awesome, I haven’t heard from Thatcher.
Casey:
And he said…
Thatcher:
Hey, Sean. It’s Thatcher. Blue cheese, Good or No Good? Please discuss
Jeff:
Okay. I didn’t quite hear that.
Casey:
Thatcher would like you to say whether or not blue cheese, the stinky, very aromatic cheese…
Jeff:
Ooh, yes…
Casey:
Is Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Right. So my relationship with cheese is complex, right…
Casey:
I highly doubt that but okay.
Jeff:
I am a vegan at home.
Casey:
I mean, let me take a wild swing at describing your relationship with cheese.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The “complex” relationship is… In flowchart form, is it in an aerosol can? Yes — Good. No — No Good. That’s what I’m thinking is your relationship with cheese.
Jeff:
Well, here’s the full flowchart…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Aerosol can — always Good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right? Now, that’s no question, right…
Casey:
Okay, absolutely. If you push a button and the cheese comes out in an cylindrically extruded…
Jeff:
No, you don’t push a button.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
You put the whole container in your mouth so that you’re biting on the dispenser…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then, you just take your finger and tilt the can. And because the can is on…
Casey:
Oh, upside down? Or… Wait…
Jeff:
It doesn’t matter.
Casey:
Oh, it doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
You’re holding the dispenser…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So it’s like… Bend it…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And since the can’s fairly long…
Casey:
So you push it like a lever…
Jeff:
It takes very, very little effort. It’s like…
Casey:
I can totally see you building one of those beer hats that people have only there’s 2 cheese dispensers into it.
Jeff:
That’s cheese… I’m totally down with that. Yes. But see, that’s not cheese. That’s why that’s okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Squeezed cheese is plastic of some kind…
Casey:
Polymers or something… Right.
Jeff:
Yes. I have no idea.
Casey:
Like, if you continued to pull on one molecule, you could get all of the cheese out of the can, eventually.
Jeff:
Right. Right, like spit and [ spitting ].
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, the next… So that’s the first thing. That’s good. Then the “is it aerosol or not” comes down to “Am I at a restaurant that has nothing for vegans (which is usually the case)?”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So my relationship with cheese is like it’s my only fucking choice.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
I don’t have any if I’m not…
Casey:
So it’s kind of an any port in a storm kind of a cheese thing at that point?
Jeff:
Yes. Right. It’s like the last girl at the bar at closing time.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
I’m eating that, right?
Casey:
Jeff:
I waited for you for a second.
Casey:
That did not come out right at all.
Jeff:
It came out just right.
Casey:
Or it came out just right. Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, no, the blue cheese, in all its forms is the worst, yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, I don’t even understand how some of these cheeses… Like, they should be classified as, like… If they were around a urinal, for example, you’d be upset that they were not cleaned by the janitor the next morning. And yet, you’re scraping this off and calling this awful, stinky… Some of them are even runny, right?
Casey:
Yeah, sure.
Jeff:
Like, at room temperature, they start to decongeal, right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And you’re eating it. Some of them are non-pasteurized. It’s like, “Hey, let’s…”
Casey:
Oh, yeah. The good ones from France, sure.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. No. All of that is No Good, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It is not the way it should go.
Casey:
And you will eat it at a restaurant if you have to?
Jeff:
Right. So my cheese plate, my chef’s cheese plate would be, like, variety of crackers and then designs drawn with the squeezed cheese on each one…
Casey:
So your high-end restaurant…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Would be like… Almost like a pastry chef pipettes the cheese…
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
In a big sort of extruder…
Jeff:
Right. Only squeezed cheese…
Casey:
Into delicate patterns all over these crackers…
Jeff:
Yep. And it’d be a big hit in America, I’m sure.
Casey:
Probably.
Jeff:
Yes. So no, cheese itself is almost entirely No Good. But since I have to eat it or I’d eat nothing, it’s got a minorly good component to it. But blue cheese is No Good. I don’t see how that’s an edible thing.
Casey:
It’s good with figs.
Jeff:
Who’s the person who put that shit in his mouth first, right? Like, there’s lots of things that are like that where you’re like…
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
Who’s the first guy…
Casey:
With a smell this strong, who was like, “Let’s see if it’s edible?”
Jeff:
And what did kill that guy finally, right? ‘Cos if that didn’t do it and, like, he discovered something awesome by eating something disgusting, he wouldn’t have stopped there.
Casey:
Right, that’s right. The reinforcement is all wrong there.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright, “Let’s try this anti-freeze.”
Casey:
[inaudible 65:45] Yeah.
Jeff:
“It tastes delicious.” Dead. Right?
Casey:
Yeah, good point. Couldn’t have been long after the blue cheese incident.
Jeff:
Right. Blue cheese is almost the bottom of the list. There’s not many…
Casey:
Blue cheese is the last thing he tried out.
Jeff:
Right. There’s not many things left on this. It’s like, yeah, “Ebola smear? Mmm…” Dead. So, yeah, no. No Good.
Casey:
Ebola on toast. It’s fabulous.
Jeff:
For a few seconds. Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
Well, there you go, my friend.
Jeff:
That is some craziness.
Casey:
Those are your listener Good/No Good’s. Now, Thatcher, in addition to that Good/No Good also wrote in… You know that you were saying that you wanted the listeners to write in a story?
Jeff:
Oh, he told us a story? I love stories…
Casey:
He also wrote in a story.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I figured now that we’re done with his Good/No Good…
Jeff:
Oh, read at the same time…
Casey:
I’ll go ahead and read that from here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I have it here. Thatcher says, “One day, I was waiting to cross the street in New York City. And I sensed a dog shit-like smell.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“This is not entirely unexpected, given the location, but there was something very immediate about the smell. So I checked my shoes in case I had stepped on something. Nothing. The smell abated and I crossed the street on my way home.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“A few hours later, I was cooking dinner in my kitchen at home. And I caught a whiff again, the same kind of dog shitty, rotten smell I had noticed before. I checked around me. Nothing. Again, I checked my shoes. Nothing. I took off my pants and sniffed them. Nothing. I checked my dog. He smelled like dog. But unfortun--…”
Jeff:
Where did he sniff them?
Casey:
Not specified. “But unfortunately not like dog shit. And then it was gone. Over the next few days, however, the smell returned with renewed vigor. Soon, it was no mystery where it was emanating from. It was being produced inside my head, a steady drip of yellow, red-brown discharge had begun flowing out of my right nostril.”
Jeff:
Ugh…
Casey:
“It smelled like Beelzebub (foul and sulfurous). Ironically, I felt fine…”
Jeff:
Stop!
Casey:
“I was able to work, go out for dinner, take the dog running in the morning, and so on. But I couldn’t escape the suspicion that perhaps my brain was slowly leaking out of my nose. And it wasn’t getting better. In fact, it seemed to be getting worse.”
Jeff:
Ugh! Thatcher!
Casey:
“I went to see my doctor. I had to wait a couple days due to the Jewish holidays. But once she was able to see me, she diagnosed a sinus infection, prescribed powerful antibiotics. And the rest is history.”
Jeff:
That’s the end of the story?
Casey:
That’s the end of the story.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright, there’s some rules, I guess, we need to put in the stories.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Alright. The…
Casey:
You didn’t like the story?
Jeff:
Okay. The story was leading up to something.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then it was over, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Now, in any story that you tell, okay, if the middle part is highly disgusting…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It better have a good payoff, okay.
Casey:
So you wanted the end of the story be [ the aristocrats ] or something…
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, that’s basically what happened. There was no [inaudible 68:49] and it just ended.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay, Thatcher, that was a terrible story. So we just got the most disgusting thing to ever happen to you described and then everything was fine, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Now, that’s a terrible story. I appreciate you sending it in…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And describing in detail…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The worst part of it…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Just to critique another thing… When the dog shit smelling discharge came out of your right nostril and you didn’t immediately go to the doctor… What were you thinking right then? “I don’t want to pay the $20-copay”? I’m wondering, at that point, what poor Thatch was thinking.
Casey:
Oh, my goodness.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness. No, I don’t want to make too much fun of the story…
Casey:
Thatcher, it wasn’t blue cheese. It turns out it’s not blue cheese you’re eating. It was American cheese.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
You were just confused due to the…
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
The discharge…
Jeff:
Oh, my God. And then, the Jewish holiday also delayed it. Couldn’t you see a non-Jewish doctor for your what I would consider an emergency, right?
Casey:
“There’s dog shit leaking out of my nose.” “Um… I’m booked until next week.” “Alright, I’ll wait. It’s fine.”
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
How long does it take to reattach a leg? You know, it’s like, “Can we wait on this? I don’t really need that one. I’ve got 2.”
Jeff:
Yeah, that was a pretty crazy story. Although it reminds me of the Steve Theodore story. Do you remember that one?
Casey:
Oh, I remember that.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Do I remember that one?
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, it involved…
Casey:
It began in my office.
Jeff:
Well, no, it ended in your office.
Casey:
It ended in my office, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
So Steve… And I’m gonna make fun of Steve a little bit with this story because of the Zohan references that will not die out.
Casey:
That’s true. That’s right.
Jeff:
I owe him one.
Casey:
You do owe him a slap back because he said you looked like the Zohan or vice versa.
Jeff:
So Steve, when he’s thinking or reading or whatever, doesn’t usually notice what’s going on around him.
Casey:
Blissfully unaware…
Jeff:
Blissfully unaware…
Casey:
Of his surroundings…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Might be a way to say that.
Jeff:
So Steve, when he was working here at RAD, lived in Seattle and then he would walk from his house down to… Was the bus station directly there? Or did he have to…
Casey:
I don’t know. So he took the bus?
Jeff:
Yeah, he rode the bus…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Just to avoid all the traffic…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
’Cos he lives on the other side.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Rode all the way across 520…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then, he had to walk about 4 or 5 blocks up here to RAD…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then, you know, he’d come to work, do some work, and usually walk back and forth between his office and your office ‘cos you guys were working on a demo.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Now, in that long story, it began that morning with him stepping in dog shit in his own yard…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
5 feet into his commute.
Casey:
That’s correct.
Jeff:
Right. He steps in dog shit.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Now, it wasn’t dog shit where it’s like a pebble.
Casey:
No, no. We’re talking about a full shoe overflow dog shit…
Jeff:
Yes, the dog shit…
Casey:
It went around all sides of the shoe.
Jeff:
All sides of the heel…
Casey:
Right. So it was a full imprint, right?
Jeff:
Yes. Full imprint…
Casey:
It was what paleontologists would call a full mold of the dog shit in question.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Right? You could take this dog shit and reproduce Steve Theodore’s…
Jeff:
Entire shoe…
Casey:
Shoe size…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Probably foot anatomy, as well.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Yeah..
Jeff:
So Steve, you know, focusing on what he was thinking, didn’t really notice [inaudible 72:21]
Casey:
I think he was reading a book.
Jeff:
He was reading a book.
Casey:
Or something…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So he got on the bus with his shitty shoe…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Rode the bus…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Rode it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m not sure what his fellow passengers thought…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
But it wasn’t anything good. No one sat next to Steve, I’m sure…
Casey:
That’s probably true.
Jeff:
Right. Drove all the way there, walked another 5 blocks into RAD…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
In which case, remember, he’s gonna be somewhat unbalanced due to the huge shit…
Casey:
Also, some shit is coming off the shit is coming off the shoe at this, like…
Jeff:
The entire time…
Casey:
The entire time…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s leaving some shit there…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And yet… Yet…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
After coming into RAD…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Going into his own office…
Jeff:
He goes into his own office…
Casey:
For some time…
Jeff:
Starts doing work…
Casey:
Goes to the break room…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Comes into my office eventually…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Puts his foot on the windowsill, he was leaning on that…
Jeff:
Yeah. So not only did he just track it… It was everywhere…
Casey:
Leaves my office. I notice a huge fucking dog turd on my windowsill.
Jeff:
Right, because you immediately go, “What smells?”
Casey:
I mean, it was giant. The amount that was still left on his shoe at this point was substantial and it came off on my windowsill.
Jeff:
Right, because…
Casey:
This huge dog turd…
Jeff:
He put his leg up kind of like you put your leg up on a rock to think or something?
Casey:
No. No. That’s incorrect. It was backwards. So imagine you have your back to the window…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And you have your foot… You just put your foot on a little bit…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Which is a downward scraping motion…
Jeff:
Which scraped it off…
Casey:
Which removed the dog turd…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Off of the shoe and on the windowsill.
Jeff:
It was on the windowsill…
Casey:
And I cannot over state the amount of dog shit that was on the windowsill, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’s no way that you can imagine right now how much dog shit was on the windowsill because after we told you how long it was from the step into the shit ‘til the shit got on my windowsill, you were thinking that there is a small shit smear on my window.
Jeff:
Right. No.
Casey:
If a dog had taken the shit on the sill and then someone had pressed a shoe into it and removed the shoe, that was what was on my windowsill.
Jeff:
Right. It all came off because he kind of slid his foot down on to the ground as he walked in.
Casey:
It was massive.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And it had sides to it, right. So it’s like, the shoeprint, it was like a valley…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It was like valley of the wind where there were 2 shit mountains and a shoeprint valley in the middle of it.
Jeff:
Right. So I remember you saying, “What the fuck?”
Casey:
“What the fuck?”
Jeff:
And then we look out and there’s footprints…
Casey:
Shit prints everywhere.
Jeff:
Right. You know like…
Casey:
All over the office.
Jeff:
Right. You know like the family circus…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Where Billy goes around…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s what it was, only shit.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Right? So I was freaking out.
Casey:
I could not handle it.
Jeff:
Casey was freaked out…
Casey:
I’m like, “There is a huge dog turd on my windowsill. I cannot get past this.”
Jeff:
Right. See, that story had an ending where the shit ends up on Casey’s windowsill. That, like, is worth the gross part.
Casey:
Since when did you become the Syd Field of fucking shit stories or stinky stories?
Jeff:
I’m gonna say this…
Casey:
You’re like, “Okay, all stinky stories have to have 2 major plot points in them…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The first is where the stench begins. And the second is where you find out where the stench is coming from.
Jeff:
No, no, no, no… The second is where you find out. The third is the ironic twist, it’s where who gets the shit.
Casey:
There’s only 2 plot points in the Syd Field screenplay.
Jeff:
Oh, well, I’m talking about the 3-act structure…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The first act is separated from the second act by the first thought point.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So the first act is, like, “there’s no stench”.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And we get to the point where the stench begins.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, Steve Theodore steps on the dog shit, right. So the first act of the story is us getting to know Steve, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because we can’t just have him start stinking…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We can’t have him have a dog shit on his shoe immediately.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’ve got to get to know Steve — What’s he like? What’s his house like? Let’s meet his wife, his kids. Where does he live…
Jeff:
Establish that he’s into this book…
Casey:
What kind of guy is he?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s into this book. He really wants to read this book.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Steps into dog shit. Plot point 1.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, plot point 2 is what separates the middle from the end. So in between plot point 1 and plot point 2, we have the middle which is him tracking the dog shit everywhere. But we haven’t got the plot point 2 so nobody knows about the dog shit yet.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We get to plot point 2 which is Casey sees the turd on the windowsill.
Jeff:
Sees the turd on the windowsill. Right.
Casey:
And that leads to the climax in [inaudible 76:39] which goes in the 3rd act, right?
Jeff:
Which is when you go, “What the fuck?”
Casey:
I lose my shit, right. Steve has to redeem himself by doing something and then you clean the carpets. You had someone steam clean the carpets.
Jeff:
I had someone clean the carpets.
Casey:
Right. And then everyone’s back to normal.
Jeff:
I had to call… I was calling all over to find somebody that could come that day. They’re like, “We can come tomorrow.” And I’m like, “No, you don’t understand…”
Casey:
“You don’t understand. We have dog shit all over this office.”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, family circus, motherfucker…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness. You know what we’ve done?
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
We’ve gone way over the time budget is what we’ve done.
Casey:
Alright, straight through it.
Jeff:
Yeah, we just flew…
Casey:
Just fucking flew straight through it.
Jeff:
You know what that means? That means people are gonna get a bonus is what that means.
Casey:
Are they getting a bonus?
Jeff:
Yeah, we’ll just pull something out and that’s the bonus.
Casey:
Are they gonna get a Bone-Us track…
Jeff:
No. I don’t like it.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I don’t like it. Now, just because I made fun of Thatcher (and I did a little bit because I know Thatcher and so I can get away with it) should not mean that you should not send me your stories. And I won’t make fun of everybody’s story ‘cos I still want to hear stories, just not about your nasal discharge.
Casey:
Well, it’s an A-B thing, right? Like, you’ve had a story from Dave Moore…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which you did not make fun of.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s true.
Casey:
Because the story, in general, still followed the 3-act story structure.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He got discovered by the cops…
Jeff:
Yes, that’s true.
Casey:
But then, he was saved at the last minute by the fact that he was actually a member of the…
Jeff:
Right. That was the redemption.
Casey:
The redemption…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So, yeah. You’ve obviously had a situation where you have not. I think we… To be honest with you, I don’t think we should go for a bonus. I think we’re close enough to 2 podcasts that we should just roll straight through.
Jeff:
You want to keep going?
Casey:
I think we should keep going. You know why I want to keep going?
Jeff:
So what we’ll do is we won’t even end. We’ll just say, “To be continued…”
Casey:
To be continued somewhere… But we’ll have to go back and end at that end because we’re already over the time for one podcast.
Jeff:
This is a “To be continued…”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
This is like an episode of “Dallas” (dot dot dot)…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Never mind. That’s it.
Casey:
Is this an old person reference?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
So… Uh… “Dot dot dot”?
Jeff:
If you keep going, then we won’t have room… Then we’ll have to move more stuff from the last episode. And the longer we go here, the more stuff is, like, should be red/black…
Casey:
I’m talking about… I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about this “Dallas” bullshit.
Jeff:
I know what you’re talking about…
Casey:
No one’s seen “Dallas”…
Jeff:
But the more talking you do…
Casey:
No one who listens to this show saw “Dallas”…
Jeff:
It’s gonna do more shifting. We’re losing quality content off the left-hand side. And then the balancer’s putting it on the right. So you just gotta stop it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Just say, “To be continued…”
Casey:
Okay. “To be continued…”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, if all you wanted to say was, “To be continued,” then have it stop, you shouldn’t have started talking about “Dallas” and “dot dot dot”…
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Like, was that something that happened on “Dallas”?
Jeff:
Can you just say, “To be continued”?
Casey:
Yes, but I want…
Jeff:
Do it.
Casey:
An explanation first…
Jeff:
You know what, we’ll explain that next week.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
To be continued…
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 40
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