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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The White Trash Food Pyramid
"I find in favor of the plasma."
Original air date: November 4th, 2008
Topics. Sam’s Club. Washington State police force. TV. Van Halen. CostCo. TV Guide. Snickers. Retards. Rock Band. Pumpkins. White trash. National Fat Acceptance. Food pyramid. Wanted. Wholesalers. Barack Obama. Mixed-up metaphors.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show, the finest podcast that you are likely to find anywhere on these here internets…
Jeff:
We are…
Casey:
I say that with some certainty because I have to tell you, I have listened to exactly one other podcast in my entire life. And this one is at least as good as that one, certainly.
Jeff:
Okay. So, yeah, that’s enough.
Casey:
And when I say “as good as”, I should say it’s still running.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
At least, it still exists.
Jeff:
Via the scientific method…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You have tested two…
Casey:
And only one of them still exists. Ergo, it is currently the best podcast on the internet.
Jeff:
Yeah, that sounds…
Casey:
I don’t see any reason to… Yeah. And I guess I technically would have to say the better podcast on the internet because until you have three items, I don’t think grammatically speaking you’re actually allowed to say “best”. But, you know…
Jeff:
Well, you know what I did this week. I went somewhere that I don’t normally go. That is…
Casey:
Outside the house that’s not 7/11?
Jeff:
And outside RAD and Burger King. Burger King, 7/11, RAD, and the condo.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
I went to Costco. I went to Costco to buy…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I had to buy candy for our crazy Halloween extravaganza every year.
Casey:
Now, if I had to guess… If I had to mentally sort of… I’m not sure what you call this. It’s not really channeling because channeling is when the person’s dead. So if I had to, I guess, imitate… If I had to parrot, if you will…
Jeff:
If you had to walk a mile in my shoes…
Casey:
In your shoes…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And it was like, you know, “Hey, Jeff, what do you think of Costco?” It would go something like, “Okay, first off, No Good. Any place where it’s conceivable that I could walk, you know, over 100 yards and not be at the other side of the store — immediately No Good. Okay, there’s things there… No one should be buying these things. You don’t need a set of knives, okay. One knife is enough for anybody. There’s absolutely no need…”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly…
Casey:
“To buy… Flashlights, how many flashlights do you possibly need in the house? The minimum number of flashlights you can buy at Costco is four.”
Jeff:
Exactly. That’s how everything is.
Casey:
One house needs 4 flashlights.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense at all.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s ridiculous. “Inflatable water slide, how do these things have anything to do with…”
Jeff:
Okay. So first off, I try to go in…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they stop you at the door.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re hardcore.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They want you to buy that fucking $40-membership card or something because…
Casey:
Yes, that’s right.
Jeff:
Oh, dear, if they get in without a membership card…
Casey:
It’s all over…
Jeff:
The security’s fucked.
Casey:
It’s all over.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I had to go in and get that.
Casey:
Pretty soon, anyone could just be shopping here.
Jeff:
Right. So they’re like, “You need to go over there,” ‘cos I tried to go in the entrance.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you don’t go in the entrance.
Casey:
No, no.
Jeff:
You go into the exit…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
To get the picture taken. So I get my picture taken.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And… I mean, it’s a photo ID. They’re like…
Casey:
You didn’t have a Costco membership?
Jeff:
No. I actually, I had one with RAD. I just…
Casey:
No card. You’d never gotten a card?
Jeff:
I never go there.
Casey:
Right, sure.
Jeff:
I’m not gonna go to fucking Costco.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Are you insane?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They sell fucking tires and shit now. They have, like, a whole automotive section.
Casey:
They have a gas pump.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They have their own fucking gas pump.
Jeff:
It’s out of control.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So anyway, I try to go in. They say no. You need to go over there. The guy (the bouncer, if you will) at the door…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos there’s multi bouncers…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And there’s in and out bouncers… The in bouncer who stopped me… Just a huge, fat dude… Like, “Go over there.” And then, this huge, fat lady took my picture. And then, they give me the card and I go in and I’m like, “Here,” and I’m kind of annoyed because I… You know, I sucks to get stopped at the door, right?
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
You go in there and everybody’s fat in there. I don’t know what’s going on.
Casey:
Well, its ‘cos they serve them food. They have a Costco, like, buffet shit in there…
Jeff:
Well, that’s… Right. They call that the “foodcourt”. And it’s like, it’s not a court…
Casey:
No, it is not a court…
Jeff:
When there’s one fucking little… I mean, it’s not even a restaurant.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like a hardware store window…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Where you go up and you tell them and they bring you some food.
Casey:
Right. And if you’re at the wrong window, they’re like, “Sorry, sir. This is optometry.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re like, “Oh, sorry. I thought this was the hotdog stand.” It’s like, “Okay, I’ll go to the one…”
Jeff:
Yeah. No, you need to go to the foodcourt.
Casey:
It’s also branded. It’s like, “I want a hotdog.” “You mean a Costco-dog?”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
Like, “Uh, yes. Okay, with a Costco Coke or whatever the fuck else it is that you’ve got here.”
Jeff:
Yeah. So I go in there. And first, I go to the thing. And I start getting Halloween candy.
Casey:
Well, first, what you do is you watch about 5 minutes of “Finding Nemo” because by the time you get out of the television section, you’ve seen “Fi--…
Jeff:
Yes, all the TV’s are showing…
Casey:
Even if you’re not looking…
Jeff:
Yes. They put the TV’s right in front.
Casey:
And it’s so long…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That you have to watch about 5 minutes before you get to the end.
Jeff:
Flat screen after flat screen after flat screen…
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
Yes. So, yeah. So, you get past there. I go up to the candy thing and I start scooping up candy when I realize I’m not in the Halloween candy. This is the normal candy in Costco bulk…
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
That makes it look like Halloween candy.
Casey:
Yeah. How would you know the difference?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I’m assuming you don’t even really need to have a separate Halloween candy thing because their normal candy is that way.
Jeff:
Like, I got this great big thing that says “Snickers”. It’s this huge plastic bag. I put it in. And then, I feel the plastic a little bit. And I’m like… These are entire fucking candy bars floating around in there…
Casey:
Snickers, right. These are, like, giant Snickers bars. Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re just loose…
Casey:
Well, at Costco, it’s also entirely possible that you could pick up a giant bag and it turns out that the bag is just filled with one giant, like, congealed Snicker, right? It’s just like, “No, this is… You know, we’re saving money in the family. We chop a little bit off the Snickers block every afternoon and the kids have that with their lunch.” It’s like, excuse me while I use this…
Jeff:
No, it’s pureed Snickers because it’s like… You know Go-Gurt?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s like Snickers where you just rip the thing off a squirt some…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Liquefied…
Casey:
And then they open up the Costco-sized refrigerator and there’s just a giant head of lettuce…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they use one of those shavers that carves the turkey, also purchased as Costco…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To, like, shave off some for the salad. It’s like, this whole entire bulk experience.
Jeff:
So I go, “Oh, shit.” I put that back and I go looking for the Halloween candy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And now, my stroller… The stroller makes you feel like a little kid.
Casey:
It’s not called a stroller. It’s not called a stroller. A stroller is the thing you push a baby in. It’s called a cart.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, cart…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This cart is enormous.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, the handle goes up to my chest.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, you’re just pushing this huge thing…
Casey:
You do pull-ups on it…
Jeff:
Right. It’s like you’re driving the Hummer of carts.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So I’m driving down and the aisles are really wide to make this big carts go through.
Casey:
Oh, they’re massive. Yeah. And yet, you still can’t fucking get through them.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re massive but there’s also 50 people with giant carts clogging up any individual intersection.
Jeff:
So I’m just like, head down, trying not to engage any of these people…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Because they might turn on you.
Casey:
How are they gonna turn on you?
Jeff:
Like, I saw this little kid. He’s got a Rock Band Guitar.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
And he goes, “Mommy, let me have this.” And she says, “No. Put that back.” And he goes… Turns around and kicks this bag of dog food that’s in this big stand. And it goes…
Casey:
No…
Jeff:
Like an avalanche…
Casey:
No, it does not.. Are you fucking kidding me?
Jeff:
Yes. And then like… And then, he goes and puts the guitar back. And like, “I gotta get outta here.”
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I gotta get this candy and get the fuck out of here.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So I go past the meat section. They don’t like the meat section red.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
But there’s, like, red radi--… There’s so much meat…
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
There’s this eerie red glow from the meat section because it’s just…
Casey:
Wow. You mean just a secondary bounce from the meat?
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s just aisle, aisle, pork, and then beef, and then chicken, and then all… And it’s just red and smelly. It’s like, as a vegetarian, this is like my Halloween.
Casey:
Now…
Jeff:
Going through this crazy-ass graveyard… You know the smell…
Casey:
Can we just back up for one second here before you make this analogy?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
How did you construct a list that was meant to appear long of meats and then include beef, pork, and chicken?
Jeff:
Well, there was like…
Casey:
That’s like the shortest possible set of meats that you can have at a supermarket. If you go to any supermarket in the world…
Jeff:
That’s not… Wait, wait, wait. That’s not true.
Casey:
They will have pork, beef, and chicken.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Those are the 3 meats they have there.
Jeff:
Wait, wait, wait. That’s the thing that was amazing. Like, they had kind of half-height…
Casey:
What is amazing about the presence of pork, beef, and chicken?
Jeff:
Wait. Let me tell you. There’s these half height freezers that go up to about, you know…
Casey:
It was really obscure food.
Jeff:
Wait.
Casey:
They had “Titanic”. And they had “Star Wars”.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“This is the best video rental store I’ve ever been in.”
Jeff:
Stop it. So they have 3 whole rows and it’s like…
Casey:
Beef…
Jeff:
No, wait, wait…
Casey:
Pork, chicken…
Jeff:
It’s all the cuts. It’s like, roast beef, rump roast, then there’s the ground beef…
Casey:
Wow…
Jeff:
There’s one whole thing that’s just ground beef. So it looks kind of like the freezer itself has been filled in because you know how ground beef has that…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It looks like this huge thing. That looks like that’s the Costco rule house…
Casey:
Costco-sized ground beef…
Jeff:
Because that’s where the…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Everyone was buying… They went over at the steak. There were a few people there. But really, they were buying… And you know how it comes in those little Styrofoam…
Casey:
The Costco people were not steak people.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
No. We’re going for the ground beef.
Jeff:
We’re going for the…
Casey:
We’re going for the high end…
Jeff:
Not lean. Not the lean ground beef.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We don’t want the lean ground beef.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you know those little Styrofoam trays that they put the beef in and then they wrap it with plastic?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, like the blood catcher, basically?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When they were scooping out the thing of ground beef…
Casey:
Oh, ew… Oh, don’t… I don’t want to hear that.
Jeff:
That thing was, like, the size of the cookie sheet.
Casey:
Ugh…
Jeff:
It was so much hamburger.
Casey:
You know, is there some kind of White trash food pyramid that’s like, “Okay, kids. At the bottom of the food pyramid is a cow. And then, the next thing up on the food pyramid is a grinder. And then the next thing up on the food pyramid is the deep fat fryer. And then, finally, there’s us.” Is there some kind of pyramid that looks like that? You know what I mean?
Jeff:
And the pyramid always goes through…
Casey:
It’s just got all these interesting steps that are involved…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That, like, [inaudible 10:09] wouldn’t normally think of. It’s like, yeah, it’s… You know…
Jeff:
Well, I had to go through this crazy meat market.
Casey:
And you were terrified.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You were like, “Oh, my God. There’s all these meats.”
Jeff:
“Keep going.”
Casey:
“Mad cow might jump out.”
Jeff:
There’s meat and then there’s a lot of humans…
Casey:
Yep, meats and humans…
Jeff:
And it’s like… Get past…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
So I get out there…
Casey:
And they’re made of meat, too. So it’s just, like, even worse. It’s even less vegetarian-friendly at that point.
Jeff:
Yes. And their girth is obstructing my cart, right?
Casey:
Right. You’re in the well-marbled meat section, as far as the humans are concerned there.
Jeff:
So, I get past it and I find all the candy and I load up, you know, I get all my bags and I throw it on there. I’m coming back and I don’t understand their sorting procedure at the Costco…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because right next to the meat were men’s socks. Like… And I needed some socks. So I have to admit, I bought a 20-pack of socks.
Casey:
Oh, my fucking Lord.
Jeff:
Yeah, I know.
Casey:
So you’re basically criticizing their organizational strategy…
Jeff:
And it worked…
Casey:
And it was perfect?
Jeff:
Yep. So, it’s meat…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Men’s socks…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Men’s underwear…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then there were toothbrushes. And not individually-wrapped. There were, like…
Casey:
Right. There’s like 50.
Jeff:
Yeah, in this great big thing.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
You know, like red vines come in that little plastic container…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
There were things full of toothbrushes in a big plastic container. Like, you just rip one out every day.
Casey:
I want that container. That sounds fabulous, actually.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, so I get past there. You go back, past all the TV stuff…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
By the way…
Casey:
What does the floss look like? Is it like a giant one of those cable spools that they use for, like, weighing fiber and shit?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. Electrical… Right.
Casey:
Like, it’s just this huge ass fucking thing that you wheel into the bathroom.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
It’s got like a crane. Cut up one end, you’re like, “I’m gonna crank out some floss. Here we go.”
Jeff:
The toothpaste comes in one of those caulking guns. So you just squeeze on the toothbrush every morning.
Casey:
That would be awesome. The Costco morning routine would be so awesome. It starts with opening up a closet, like a walk-in closet…
Jeff:
That’s all cotton swabs.
Casey:
Filled with towels. Yeah. Right, exactly. It’s cotton swabs.
Jeff:
So I go back past the TV section. By the way, their sports section, 3 basketballs and a baseball bat.
Casey:
That’s it?
Jeff:
It’s like, this is not their demographic.
Casey:
That is not their thing?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Alright. Yeah…
Jeff:
These people don’t go outside.
Casey:
Their sports section is probably the TV section, right? It’s like, “Here’s our recreational activity section. We have a number of wide screen displays to choose from.”
Jeff:
So I only went down the main aisle, went one over, and then back down the second one…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There were still huge Indiana Jones rows that I’d never even touched where it was just, like, boxes stacked all the way to these ceilings…
Casey:
Yeah. We have top men working on the inventory.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’d like to point something out here, Jeff, though, before you actually…
Jeff:
Get to the check-out procedure?
Casey:
No, no. Before you perhaps get a false sense of comfort in thinking that you’re among the humans, like, for reals here… Costco is the high end warehouse store.
Jeff:
Oh, you’re saying if go to Wal-Mart or…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Target…
Casey:
You’ve got Sam’s Club, okay? You want to go to a Sam’s Club if you want to get the real shit, right? Costco is considered high end.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They carry the main name brands like Coca Cola and shit like this, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They don’t carry, like, Sam’s Brand Cola in the really big jugs and all that shit.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So you want to go to Aurora Avenue and drive up about 20 minutes.
Jeff:
I don’t think I want to do that.
Casey:
And you want to go to a wholesale club there.
Jeff:
I don’t think I want to do that.
Casey:
And then you get your real human… I guarantee that the ground beef there ain’t even shrink-wrapped. There’s just a fucking outdoor pool…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s got…
Jeff:
Flies…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Who knows what the fuck is in there, right?
Jeff:
Shake the flies off…
Casey:
It’s like Sally Strothers is walking through their going like, “For 5 cents a day, you could help one of these people not have to eat ground beef out of a fucking pool,” right? The camera crew is there and so on. That’s what I’m talking about.
Jeff:
Yeah. I suppose that’s true. Costco in Kirkland is probably…
Casey:
Costco in Kirkland is like a fucking Saks Fifth Avenue, right, of wholesale. I mean, that’s like, up, up, upscale.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Right? I mean, that’s way upscale.
Jeff:
That’s awesome. Well, I keep…
Casey:
Like, their parking lot for that… The parking lot for the Sam’s Club, right… I mean, for the Costco in Kirkland probably has all nice cars in it. I bet that if you walked there, there’s Lexus SUV’s, right? It’s parked there. You’re driving a nice car to that thing, probably.
Jeff:
I don’t know, man.
Casey:
That is not gonna be the way… Like, there’s no [ beaters ] out there.
Jeff:
Well, I finally got back and I’m like, “I’ll get the fuck out of here.” I get to the front. I go up there. And they still have impulse-buy things. It’s just… Even their impulse-buys are, like…
Casey:
They’re huge.
Jeff:
5 shrink-wrapped DVD’s…
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Like, 10 pieces or 10 packs of Doublemint gum, the big, thick ones?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, that’s more gum than you’d eat in a lifetime.
Casey:
Then, they have, like, a Cosmopolitan Magazine that says, “800 Billion Ways to Please Your Man”.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Yeah. And People Magazine’s Top 50,000 Sexiest People.
Jeff:
Right. A TV Guide for the next 10 years, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You just buy it now. It’s fine.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. What does TV Guide… So, A, awesome that it exists…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But B, TV Guide…
Jeff:
TV Guide’s like the Yellow Pages where you’re just like…
Casey:
Yeah. Like, “How does this still happen?” Yeah.
Jeff:
“I don’t understand how you’re in business.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. So TV Guide, now that there’s, like, 1,000 channels. How the fuck is that thing not just massive. Like, how do they not have a… The TV Guide should look like the Yellow Pages.
Jeff:
Maybe they just keep shrinking the font so it’s like the grid gets even tighter and tighter…
Casey:
Nice. I mean, do they have, like… Are they actually listing all the channels in there anymore or what?
Jeff:
I imagine they just do basic cable.
Casey:
Oh, okay. So basically, it’s just bullshit.
Jeff:
You don’t approve? You want all channels listed?
Casey:
If you’re actually gonna print a guide to TV nowadays, you better have a fucking good reason. Like, it better have some kind of really…
Jeff:
Good action…
Casey:
High quality listing or… I mean, come on.
Jeff:
Well, I get up there. They ring me up. I swipe my card and it says, “Enter PIN.” And I go, “Oops…”
Casey:
Actually, you know what, I’m not done.
Jeff:
You got more?
Casey:
I don’t care about your PIN for a second. Now that I think about it, who is buying TV Guide to begin with? Like, who in America that cares enough about shows to buy TV Guide isn’t just fucking watching TV all the time anyway? Like, do they actually give a shit when the show… They’re gonna see it… They’re gonna fucking see it.
Jeff:
No, they’re planning out their life in relation to the TV. They’re like…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“I have to see this so we can’t have soccer on that night…”
Casey:
Oh, okay. I see.
Jeff:
You have to have it… So you block out sections, right?
Casey:
Right. Now, you’re suggesting that they’re actually playing soccer. I would’ve assumed that they’d be like, “We can’t watch soccer on TV that night because we have to watch “24”.
Jeff:
Maybe 20 years ago, it was “plan your life around TV”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, it’s plan your TV around TV…
Casey:
TV around TV.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Sorry, continue. So you got your PIN card.
Jeff:
Yeah. So I go in and I put in…
Casey:
You can’t pay by credit card at Costco…
Jeff:
I didn’t know that. I was…
Jeff:
That’s true. There’s just their names, that’s right.
Casey:
Judges are non-partisan. So it’s like judge is… Oftentimes, there’s one name on it. It’s like, you can have this guy or we can look for somebody else.
Jeff:
Mickey Mouse. Yeah.
Casey:
And other times, there’s 2 or 3 names on there. It’s just like… I mean, am I supposed to go read the decisions? I mean, those are very different… If you look at something like a representative, you can actually look at a summary thing and go, like, “Okay, how did this person [inaudible 41:09] something?” And in, you know, 10-15 minutes, get like a…
Jeff:
They tabulate that stuff.
Casey:
That’s right. But a court case is incredibly complicated.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
How are you supposed to know if this guy was a good fucking judge? I mean, that’s a full-time goddamned job, to review these things.
Jeff:
Are we unique in that? Because I don’t remember doing that in other… In… Like, in Utah and California…
Casey:
No, there are different… States have their own way that judges are voted for…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
But there’s definitely… There’s both voting and non-voting judicial positions, like…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I’m just gonna say elected and unelected judicial positions.
Jeff:
Appointed?
Casey:
Some judges are appointed. Some are voted for…
Jeff:
Even here?
Casey:
And it depends on the thing… Oh, we don’t vote for all judges.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Holy fuck, if we voted for all the judges, right?
Jeff:
Who votes? Who appoints those? Is it the governor or is it…
Casey:
Probably. Well, it depends with the state or city judicial system.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I imagine… But I don’t know.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I don’t really know. I mean, all the court cases that I care about happened at the federal level. So I don’t tend to read state court cases at all unless… Like, I read the one when we had… We had this ridiculous case where they tried to outlaw video games that involved harming a police officer. It’s fucking ridiculous, right? I mean, how they thought that that law was ever gonna pass anything, I have no idea but, like…
Jeff:
When kids are playing cops and robbers, they’re like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh… Come on over here…”
Casey:
Yeah. Right, and that was a state law… Yeah, exactly… That was a state law.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But rarely do I follow anything like that. So I don’t know what the fuck happens in our current…
Jeff:
They want that shit here because our police here in Washington are the ones that you see on Reno 911. We have real life police officers…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We had the guy in Bellevue…
Casey:
Right. But they’d have to pass an additional law for our police officers which is that it’s against the law to sell a video game that involves police officers harming each other.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Because that’s actually what happens here. They’re, like, “We accidentally shot at our own car…
Jeff:
Well, what happened… The one in Seattle was they put a suspect in the backseat. He weaseled through the hole, got his arms back up under his legs, drove off in the police car…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
With the police cars chasing. They go on to the on ramp…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And another police car’s coming on the other on ramp, starts shooting at the real cops, not the one where the car was stolen.
Casey:
“Sorry, guys. My bad. The APB said police car. It looked like…”
Jeff:
He got away, right. And you’re just like, unbelievable… In Bellevue, one police officer got injured when, same thing, the dude weaseled out through the hole, drove off… The police officer grabbed the window and was dragged…
Casey:
Oh, no.
Jeff:
He wouldn’t let go. And then he’s like, “Nooo…” as the car drives off.
Casey:
Oh, my Lord.
Jeff:
Yeah, the Bellevue one in particular, there’s a lot of spectacular stories.
Casey:
Oh, my Lord.
Jeff:
And John has some awesome stuff on his police scanner radio that he’s let me listen to. Like, when it’s stormy and people are like… You know, it’s like, windy and rainy…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re like, “Yeah, we got a 1045 out at 128.” The guys all go, “Oh, it’s really raining. I don’t want to go out there. It’s gonna hydroplane all the way down…” And you’re just like, “How did you guys get through Police Academy?”
Casey:
“Breaker 149, we are low on doughnuts. I repeat. We are low on doughnuts. Advise.” “Copy that. This is dispatch. There should be some doughnuts at 4th and Main.”
Jeff:
Oh, man. So, no. I could totally see them wanting to outlaw anything having to do with policemen and video games here because they would all be comedic video games.
Casey:
I imagine.
Jeff:
If they were Washington-centric anyway. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Oh, my goodness. Well, do you want to do our Van Halen Minute?
Casey:
Yeah. My own mother called up and complained…
Jeff:
Your mother?
Casey:
That there was not a Van Halen Minute.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Alright.
Casey:
That’s where we’re at with the Van Halen Minute. You cannot just arbitrarily drop the Van Halen Minute ball (or balls, as it were), like…
Jeff:
I’m gonna have to order this other book, too, so maybe we can get some Hard Rock Minute.
Casey:
Oh, that would be… I definitely think that whatever this guy has to say in print, I want to hear. That’s my view.
Jeff:
He has a gift.
Casey:
He has a knack…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
A certain knack…
Jeff:
Well, this particular passage is from Chapter 17, “Ill Communication”. It’s got a little Beasties going there.
Casey:
Gotcha.
Jeff:
And this is at the point in time when Sammy and the band are having personal problems.
Casey:
There’s friction.
Jeff:
There’s friction.
Casey:
There’s friction.
Jeff:
And what made it the worst is Van Halen agreed to work on the soundtrack to the movie, “Twister”. Remember that movie?
Casey:
I did not see that film although I absolutely remember it. That was Helen Hunt or something, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Is that the right film?
Jeff:
Yes. Helen Hunt and her forehead.
Casey:
Helen Hunt is one of those people… There’s very few of them. I think it’s Helen Hunt and the other one is… Oh, what’s her name? I can’t remember. She was in “The Breakup” and…
Jeff:
Jennifer Aniston?
Casey:
Yes. Who are, like… They sound like they’re on a TV show whether or not they are. And I’m not sure how that works because I guess I don’t know what that means. But my head has a filter in it that goes off and it’s like, “I’m watching a movie right now,” or, “I’m watching TV right now,” even if they’re both on a TV.
Jeff:
They just remind you? I see.
Casey:
Right. Like, if I’m just seeing something on TV and I have no additional information, there’s a number of things that you use to tell that. Like, a lot of times, it’s like the sets or the camera angles clearly show that it’s TV because they don’t have the expansiveness that they do in movies a lot of times, but not always, right? Other times, it’s like the person is talking and it’s like they’re talking in TV voice and you just know…
Jeff:
Well, maybe they were both on TV shows for so long that maybe long-term exposure to TV lights make you look like a TV actor.
Casey:
No, but it’s the sound, their delivery, somehow…
Jeff:
Yeah, maybe they just get good at the sitcom thing.
Casey:
I don’t know. It’s weird.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, anyway, so there was friction. Sammy did not want to do the “Twister” album. And…
Casey:
He said, “Nay.”
Jeff:
He did not want to do that.
Casey:
But the Van Halen brothers said…
Jeff:
“We want this. We want the money.”
Casey:
“This is good for Van Halen.”
Jeff:
“This is good for the cash but, yes, for Van Halen, as well.”
Casey:
Wait, you mean to tell me that they were hurting for cash?
Jeff:
They weren’t hurting. They just liked it.
Casey:
Okay. They weren’t hurting but a few extra million doesn’t ever hurt nothing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Alright, so here’s our little Van Halen Minute for the week. “The ‘Twister’ project became its own kind of disaster, a whirling vortex of misplaced priorities and scheduling struggles that tossed the band members through the air and left them miles away from where they began.”
Casey:
Awesome. See, you know what he does there is he doesn’t leave the metaphor up to chance.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? He builds it all the way in for you, right?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
There’s no possibility that you could get a different thing from the twisting. “Oh, they got spun around and shaken up.” It’s like, “Nope. That’s not what I was trying to say.”
Jeff:
No, miles away.
Casey:
Miles away from where they began…
Jeff:
“’We were supposed to work the first half of ‘96,’ the irritated newlywed, Hagar, told guitar world. “Eddie was supposed to get his hip surgery done. Al was supposed to get the vertebrae in his neck fixed so he wouldn’t have to wear that neck brace all the time and look like a paraplegic. And I was having a baby with my wife.’”
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
Okay. So what’s happened here is whether intentionally or unintentionally, he’s tied all these injuries with… They just happened because they were old.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
With the “Twister”, right, Sean pointed this out originally…
Casey:
Yes, Sean did point that out…
Jeff:
That, like, it seems like all these injuries happened from this metaphoric twister that tossed them about.
Casey:
You didn’t know that.
Jeff:
I kept swiping…
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
And they’re like, “Dude, it’s a credit card.” I’m like, “Oh, shit.” And I happen to have enough cash on me to pay cash. Otherwise, I’m screwed. I don’t even carry a stupid ATM card. So I go out and I bought, I don’t know, 100 bucks worth of candy.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
On the way out, I get stopped by 3 more bouncers…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
3 times…
Casey:
To check off your receipt…
Jeff:
To check… Yes. What’s the deal with that? Like, are they so worried that people are dropping their shitty shit into the…
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
I have never seen anybody so hardcore. And if they were that hardcore, why don’t they just put those little tracker things on every…
Casey:
RFID’s?
Jeff:
Well, you know, the things they put on clothing, those great bit plastic things that bend on?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Put that on fucking everything so that if you go through the door, the alarm sounds.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because it’s annoying to have to stop…
Casey:
No, that makes… I agree with that.
Jeff:
And then, they’re looking at your thing and you’re like, “Huh, socks and candy. Sounds like a party.”
Casey:
Oh, did he comment on it?
Jeff:
Yeah. Everyone’s looking at it. Like, I don’t want… Get away from my shit.
Casey:
That is not my experience. My experience of most of those guys, they have a pink magic marker and they take a 5-second look at your card and just scribble something on.
Jeff:
Do you have a Costco card?
Casey:
Well, I used to go to Costco occasionally…
Jeff:
When you lived here?
Casey:
Yes, when I lived here. And then, I have lost my Costco card. Now, I know I still have a Costco membership because I get health insurance through them since for Molly Rocket, a company with one employee, cannot be its own health plan, really.
Jeff:
Yeah, we’re on… We do Costco health insurance, as well.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. So I have the same health plan as you do which goes through them. So have be a Costco member every year. So even though I don’t actually really go to Costco anymore, I still know I have a membership. But I don’t know where my card is. So again, if I went, the bouncer at the entrance would stop me…
Jeff:
Give you shit…
Casey:
And be like, “I’m sorry, sir, you know, how do I know you’re Casey Muratori? Where’s your photo ID Costco…” Driver’s license, that doesn’t count.
Jeff:
No. It’s gonna be…
Casey:
We need to see card ID like a Costco card…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or at the very, very least, a Diner’s Club card or something legitimate.
Jeff:
Well, it’s definitely…
Casey:
Not like a passport or something.
Jeff:
The security is much harder at a Costco than it is at the DMV, certainly. So you think the TSA would be much happier with a Costco card than the driver’s license…
Casey:
Oh, I would certainly say so.
Jeff:
Yeah, they’re way harder core.
Casey:
Oh, absolutely.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I would say it’s probably the other way around. Like, if you went through airport security and there was a Costco inside the restricted area, they’d still have a guy checking shit there, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
They’d be like, “I don’t know. The TSA guys just let anyone through.” Like, yes, we know you don’t have any weapons on you…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But you might not be a member, you know? You might not be qualified to still be shopping in our store.
Jeff:
Well, after this crazy adventure which then you have to walk 900 miles in this parking lot that’s out of the stand…
Casey:
Yeah, the only thing bigger than the inside of the store is the outside of the store at Costco…
Jeff:
Yeah. So I finally dump my gigantic cart that made me feel like a little boy the entire time I was driving around. I drive back to the [inaudible 20:40] and I have to get a couple pumpkins to put on our porch for decorations.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They have this 600-pound pumpkin, that is the draw. It brings people into the [inaudible 20:51]
Casey:
Oh, it makes you think you’re gonna get this huge pumpkin and then the pumpkins you can actually buy are tiny?
Jeff:
No, I think some people are just like, “Let’s go see the big pumpkin.” I mean, I don’t.. We have nothing…
Casey:
Oh, okay. It’s like, “Holy shit. Look at the size of that pumpkin.”
Jeff:
It’s Saturday night. Come on. Look at the size of that pumpkin. It’s huge.
Casey:
Me buy the pumpkin?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Do they carve the giant pumpkin?
Jeff:
Yeah, well, one portrait-sized face they had on it. But it was a huge pumpkin. So they didn’t carve the whole thing. It was, like, a little… I don’t know, 2 by 4 section…
Casey:
Oh, that’s kind of weird, though. That’s like some kind of weird smooshed face thing like cartoons, basically.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, it was well-carved certainly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was just not the entire… Maybe it would collapse if you made too much opening on a pumpkin that large. I don’t know.
Casey:
You think so?
Jeff:
I don’t know. It was crazy huge. Anyway…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When I got there, the special ed school nearby had apparently arrived directly before me.
Casey:
You know, it’s funny that you say that because I was about to make some kind of a Mongoloid joke about the fact that the small face was in the center of the pumpkin…
Jeff:
Oh, the big headed…
Casey:
It sounds like you’re heading there, anyway.
Jeff:
Well, I didn’t mean to head there. I just walked into there and you don’t notice from afar. If I knew…
Casey:
I want to say right now that, like, retards and pumpkins sounds like something that’s right in the wheelhouse for this podcast.
Jeff:
Yeah. Okay.
Casey:
I’m liking where this is going already…
Jeff:
You’re liking this before we got there?
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Well, I would’ve said… You can’t really tell a ‘tard from a distance, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re like… They don’t look that different from the Costco people.
Casey:
Right, exactly…
Jeff:
A little overweight, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Focused on the stuff…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I mean, the only difference is they didn’t have their own credit card.
Casey:
Right. And also, they may have better motor skills.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s possible.
Casey:
For example, some of [inaudible 22:30] because they’ve been in physical therapy…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Unlike…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Most of the people who are shopping at the Costco.
Jeff:
Right. They can’t read TV Guide.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, they know how to balance the hotdog on their stomach and get it, you know, on it like that maybe but…
Jeff:
Yeah. So, I didn’t know. I walked up there. And I’m looking around for pumpkins and it hasn’t occurred to me yet. I’m just looking around…
Casey:
Okay, so you still don’t know. You still don’t know?
Jeff:
I avoid the humans.
Casey:
Right. Okay.
Jeff:
I am looking down. I’m really not noticing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Go to pick this one up and this girl next to me goes, “Eh…” Which makes you look. And you look over and she was mad that I was taking that pumpkin. And then I was like, “Oh, oh, she’s retarded. Okay. Oh, here, it’s your pumpkin.” And she’s like… And then takes the pumpkin from me…
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
And then, that’s when I turn around and I noticed that I’m just, like…
Casey:
That you’re in a sea…
Jeff:
I’m in ‘tard town.
Casey:
A sea of retardation.
Jeff:
It is all around me.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And I look over and the guy right to my left has a pumpkin. He’s holding the pumpkin in his hand…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And he’s just staring at it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Just looking down and staring at it.
Casey:
I have a question, though, before we continue. So, when you were like…
Jeff:
I’m freaking out at this point, by the way.
Casey:
Right. Now, that’s actually exactly what I was gonna ask. So when you figured out that there’s a little retarded girl who wants the pumpkin that you were gonna take, right, did you give her the pumpkin because like, “Oh, I’m being nice to the mentally challenged,” or were you just like, “I don’t know what she’s gonna do to me if I don’t give her the pumpkin”? Like, what was the thought that was crossing your mind?
Jeff:
I started… When it was just her, I thought…
Casey:
It came from a good place?
Jeff:
I thought, yeah, “Oh, I didn’t mean to take your pumpkin. Here…”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then, when you realize you’re surrounded…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re just like… I’m like, “Get my pumpkin and get the fuck out of here.”
Casey:
Okay, right. So then it was like… When it was just one of you and one of them, you thought you had the upper hand and could be kind.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But then, it turned into, like, “they outnumber me”, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Obviously, they are travelling in a pack.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This is a pack of retards, not a set of disassociated retards. Who knows what they could do?
Jeff:
Right. I’m like a log cabin Republican at this point, right?
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
I am outnumbered.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
This is not the way it should go.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
We are both looking for pumpkins…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And yet, I am not in the in-crowd.
Casey:
No, not at all.
Jeff:
I don’t understand their jokes, for example.
Casey:
Right. Yes. And honestly, that doesn’t really set them apart.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
Anyway, so I got my pumpkins as fast as I could, put them in the thing, went and got checked out. But the thing that struck me while I was there amongst my people…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Is that it was no different than the fucking Costco.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It was just access to easy credit was a only difference between these 2 groups.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was no different at all. It was freaking me out. So I hurried and got back to RAD and worked extra late that night just so I could shake it off, shake the humanity right out of my system.
Casey:
You actually needed detox?
Jeff:
Yeah, it was kind of like I had to go cold turkey for a little while.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And then, yeah, by the end of the day, I felt fine.
Casey:
Do you think that we’re going to get a nasty call from the association for advanced mentally retarded persons or something?
Jeff:
And I might have to make a public apology?
Casey:
Well, no, because you’re not gonna fucking understand what the call says. The call’s gonna be like, “Ehhh…” You’re gonna have no idea what the fucking call is about. So I doubt that you’re gonna have to think about…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Maybe they’re trying to get you to have a public apology. Maybe they’re just trying to tell you that they like apples, right? Who the fuck knows?
Jeff:
At this point, you’re apologizing, not me.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I just gave somebody a pumpkin and you’re giving them shit about phone call etiquette.
Casey:
Well, I don’t know. I mean, it wouldn’t have to be someone… Okay. What does that situation look like, anyway, right? Like, the person who calls on the phone on behalf of the retarded people, how the fuck did they know that they wanted an apology, right? Are they supposed to have some kind of clairvoyance?
Jeff:
Well, I think, generally, when people are aggrieved in these situations, it’s usually not that person. It’s friends and family…
Casey:
Yes, you’re projecting…
Jeff:
Feeling like proxy pain…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Proxy feel-bad.
Casey:
But they shouldn’t feel, by proxy, bad because the only reason that I happen to be making fun of retarded people right now is because they’re the people you had to run into. If you had run into the friends and family of the retarded people, I’d be making fun of them.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because I’m sure I can find a number of things about them that I would like to make fun of.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
You shouldn’t be wearing that “I’m with stupid” t-shirt, just as an aside. It’s kinda inappropriate, for example. That’s not what you should do.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
In my opinion…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Just mine, though.
Casey:
Yeah. That’s the thing that… I have a problem with this, in general, actually.
Jeff:
“I’m with stupid” t-shirts?
Casey:
If you’re making fun… Like, the current politically correct attitude is that if you’re making fun of someone’s minority status, right, whatever it is…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or anything that is like an obvious trait that’s not normal like being retarded or being fat or something like this… Whatever you want it to be, right? The assumption is that you’re just making fun of them because of that thing.
Jeff:
No. Right.
Casey:
And I just want to be absolutely clear. It’s like, no. I made the decision to make fun of this person irrespective of that thing. And that just happens to be the easiest one for me right now.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’m just going with that.
Jeff:
Right. If you give me more time…
Casey:
Basically, what it’s telling you is that I’m being lazy right now.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s the only piece of information you’re getting, right? If you want me to come up with a more complicated way to make fun of this person, fine. I’m sure I can do that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That’s not gonna be a problem, okay?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
We’ll just follow him around for a day…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Make fun of their color…
Casey:
And I think my record speaks for itself. I have made fun of so many perfectly well-functioning, perfectly normal individuals on this podcast. In fact, far more than I’ve made fun of anyone for some superficial trait such as that…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That I feel like my credentials are un-impeachable at this point.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
At least that’s my opinion.
Jeff:
Alright. I understand.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s a good attitude.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So speaking of… There’s a related little topic here…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And that is I didn’t even know about this movement but have you heard of this… This has been around since 1969…
Casey:
1969?
Jeff:
Right. It’s the National Fat Acceptance Movement.
Casey:
National Fat Acceptance Movement? NFAM?
Jeff:
No, I don’t think they abbreviated, actually. It’s just…
Casey:
Of course, they don’t, because that would be smaller.
Jeff:
That would be health-ist, as they say.
Casey:
Is that their term for…
Jeff:
It’s fat-phobic…
Casey:
Fat-phobic…
Jeff:
Right. And then, health-ist means that you are…
Casey:
Now, just to be clear… And I don’t mean to impune their categorization scheme here…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But fat-phobic means that you are scared of fat.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Most people who make fun of fat people just don’t like fat. So there’s a big difference between those 2 things there, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Like, if I don’t eat chicken and I say it tastes disgusting, that doesn’t mean that I’m scared of chicken. It’s just that I don’t like chicken, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So fat-phobic is possibly a mis-categorization, if you will, of someone who wanted to be thin or…
Jeff:
So you’re saying this is some kind of lazy terminology?
Casey:
I’m saying they didn’t get up off their big fat butts and make up a better term. Yeah. I’m just pointing that out.
Jeff:
Well…
Casey:
But continue… And then health-ist? But doesn’t that imply that the opposite of fat is healthy? Aren’t they shooting themselves in their own foot? In their own fairly-large target foot at that point?
Jeff:
We can’t help but shoot ourselves in our foot or…
Casey:
Slash ankle region…
Jeff:
Right, or calves or thighs… Yeah, that’s true. They really can’t shoot themselves in the foot.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Unless they hold the gun way out and then aim it back in…
Casey:
Yeah. No, it’s like Wanted. They curve the bullet around their own self, right?
Jeff:
I see. To shoot this…
Casey:
And it kinda goes around…
Jeff:
And then down.
Casey:
I hadn’t actually thought of this previously. But now that you mentioned it, you make a good point here which is that I imagine that forensic pathology is actually significantly more difficult if the person is grotesquely overweight because normally, you can say something like, “Oh, the exit wound was right above the 4th vertebrae,” or something. It’s like, “Well, that doesn’t fucking narrow it down in this dude,” right? It could be anywhere in this giant volume that extends…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Back from that point, all the way to something far in their end.
Jeff:
I think that’s come up in shows like CSI and stuff before…
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
For reals, yeah.
Casey:
So there was like, “Uh-oh. We got problems here.”
Jeff:
Yeah, it makes it difficult…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Didn’t…
Casey:
“We’re still looking for the 3rd bullet.” “Really? Did it bounce off…” Oh, no, it’s in here somewhere…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’ll get it eventually.
Jeff:
We’ll need a metal detector.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We’ll just run the MRI and let it work its way out…
Jeff:
Big magnet…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, the thing that surprised me is that the thing that the thing that they’re pushing or the idea that they’re pushing is acceptance. Accept your body as it is, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So they had one woman who was 480 pounds and she’d been part of the movement for a long time. And she found out that she had an eating disorder, a specific eating disorder…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That she had trouble with some particular kind of thing that interfered with her psychologically or whatever.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So she got some treatment for that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And she received a diet from the nutritionist to start bringing her weight down.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. She didn’t bring this up to the group…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because she was afraid that this would mark her, that she would be on the out…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And in fact, eventually, it did come out that she was dieting…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And they made her life so difficult that if you diet in this movement, then they will give you shit because they’re like, “You’re not accepting yourself the way you are.” Regardless of any underlying medical or psychological problem… The only psychological problem that they accept in this movement is the fact that you just haven’t accepted yourself as you are, as a huge person, right?
Casey:
Now… If you just happen to be losing weight without dieting… Like, you just lost some weight. Is that okay? Or do you get pressure put on you to eat a pizza or something?
Jeff:
Catch back up? Are you saying… This is like Jenny Craig where they weigh you every week and then…
Casey:
That’s basically what I’m saying.
Jeff:
Wait..
Casey:
“I noticed that you haven’t gained any weight in about 5 or 6 months. What’s going on here?”
Jeff:
“Let’s look at this graph.”
Casey:
Yeah, “Let’s take a look here.”
Jeff:
Anyway, I just thought it was fascinating that all organizations, there’s an inclusive exclusivity thing going on even in one that’s promoting acceptance of themselves, there still is this natural human tendency…
Casey:
To not accept you…
Jeff:
To exclude people in or out of your group…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No matter how absurd that line is which is really the fact that you are just an unhealthy person, right? So it was fascinating that no matter what…
Casey:
You sound like a complete health-ist here, Jeff. You’re just a raging health-ist on the podcast.
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m a raging fat-phobic…
Casey:
You’re a raging health-ist…
Jeff:
And a phobic…
Casey:
Well, based on the fact that you, in the very previous episode, roundly criticized Jennifer Connelly who would’ve been immediately kicked out of the fat acceptance thing…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For losing weight.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Then, I guess at least we can say that you have a slight track record in the podcast objecting to weight loss…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which this group would presumably find in your favor, although Jennifer Connelly was not fat to begin with…
Jeff:
I wonder if you could join a movement if you were skinny but just didn’t lose any weight. You’re like, “Hey, look at my graph. It’s excellent.”
Casey:
Maybe you could be like, “I accept that.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I just don’t have any.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But I totally accept it.
Jeff:
Do you think there are guys that, you know, like, fat fetish dudes that are trying… That are always trying to [ crash ] the group…
Casey:
To get in the group… They’re trying to get in the group…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they’re not fat but they’re, like…
Jeff:
They go to the meetings…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And they bring brownies or something…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And they make a little Reese’s Pieces trail right up to their dick or something…
Casey:
Awesome, to the bedroom, back to the bedroom…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right, all the way down the hotel…
Casey:
Wow…
Jeff:
There’s one in the elevator. On the 4th floor, they follow all the way to his room.
Casey:
“What are you in for?” “Fat baiting.”
Jeff:
That’s exactly right. That is not allowed…
Casey:
Yeah. “We fell through to the apartment below and they got mad…”
Jeff:
Okay. So we made fun of people that shop at Costco.
Casey:
Yep. Fat people, retarded people…
Jeff:
Is there anybody else we need to get?
Casey:
You’re gonna have to start making fun of minorities — Black people, Hispanic people, I don’t know, something like that… What’s a typically politically incorrect thing to do?
Jeff:
Make fun of Obama for calling me 12 times in the last 3 days to vote…
Casey:
Yes. You could absolutely do that.
Jeff:
That’s sort of along the line…
Casey:
Although making fun of Barrack Obama is hardly outside of the politically correct things to do since everyone makes fun of political candidates.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, this isn’t really… That’s the kind of awesome thing is they all say, “I’m calling for Barrack Obama.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s never for Barrack Obama.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
It’s always for the local Democratic candidate…
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
That’s trying to ride those, like the governor, [inaudible 36:36]
Casey:
Wow. What do they say?
Jeff:
They’re like, “Hi, I’m calling for Barrack Obama. We want to remind you that your absentee ballot should’ve arrived. We want to remind you to vote for Barrack and also your local Democratic Party members including [inaudible 36:51]”
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
“Because Barrack is going to need a strong partnership in local government.”
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “No, he’s not. He’s not gonna give 2 shits…”
Casey:
He’s never gonna fucking call the Governor in Washington, ever…
Jeff:
About who is the goddamned comp controller of Kirkland City.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
He doesn’t give 2 flying fucks if he’s Republican or a Democrat.
Casey:
You know why he doesn’t care? Because there’s no such office as comp controller. It’s comptroller.
Jeff:
Okay, comptroller. What is a comptroller? Is that like an accountant?
Casey:
I have no fucking idea, none whatsoever.
Jeff:
I didn’t even know that was a partisan office.
Casey:
Here’s what happens with comptroller…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I learned what that is for about 10 minutes, which is when I read online the information about the various candidates and the positions and so forth. I pick one that I vote and then I immediately forget that it exists at all until next time.
Jeff:
Awesome. I just skip all those local ones because you can’t…
Casey:
That’s like the guy in charge of the Port Authority or whatever the fuck. It’s like, okay…
Jeff:
Who cares?
Casey:
What the fuck is the Port Authority?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m like, is there a separate thing down there that’s, like, there’s guys walking around, policing the port or something? What do they do? I don’t know.
Jeff:
It is a completely different world down there.
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
There’s a whole bunch of people you vote for that are in charge of the ID, the international [inaudible 38:16]
Casey:
There are?
Jeff:
Yeah. There is a separate little… I don’t know what you call the office of the local city council for the ID. So it’s just like… No, I just skip all that. I don’t know the people so I’ll be voting…
Casey:
There’s a fair number of ones that I definitely would not vote for. Like, I am not gonna have time to become educated enough to make a decision here.
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Circuit City Judge, I have no fucking clue. I like…
Casey:
Circuit City Judge? That’s a very different position.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
The Circuit City Judge? Ladies and gentlemen…
Jeff:
More TV’s for everybody.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. No, it’s like, “I find in favor of the Plasma, you know…”
Jeff:
He’s really good with bankruptcy proceedings ‘cos he has lots of experience.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I mean, they’ve only been in bankruptcy for, what, 13 years now…
Casey:
Awesome, totally awesome.
Jeff:
So yeah, 12 and counting of these voice mails that keep getting delivered. I’ll send you the next one and see what you think.
Casey:
So, I am kind of at the point now where I’m wondering how it could possibly be the case that we have this many elected offices. Like, I remember looking… In Washington state, anyway, we elect a fair number of judges, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
Right. Well, have you noticed on your ballot this year, there’s 2 measures for making other positions in government partisan. Did you notice that?
Casey:
Yes, I did notice that.
Jeff:
And they were like, weird… I didn’t even know what the offices were like school board…
Casey:
Yeah. No, they’re all awesome stuff like that. It’s like, you know, I really think we need a concerted party effort when we’re determining the hunting season for, you know, this particular area…
Jeff:
Yeah, [ wide ] management people. Yep.
Casey:
It’s like, okay…
Jeff:
One of the ones were Land Management.
Casey:
Oh, I’m sure. Yeah, I’m sure. It’s kind of ridiculous. I mean, it’s just… Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, in general, there’s certainly a limit to the number of offices that you should really be voting on in general. Like, if you’re someone who is not at all involved in the court systems, how do you vote for judge? You know? I mean, this is something that just doesn’t make any sense to me, you know?
Jeff:
Well, people are just choosing Democrat or Republican, not even thinking…
Casey:
No. It’s a non-partisan position. So you don’t know which they are.
Casey:
Now, I’m gonna draw a comparison here that the author has not drawn, right, which is that if we had to highlight the difference, for example, in Van Halen frontmen, I would say that the fact that Sammy Hagar is concerned about the parental ramifications of a project as to him and how it affects his wife’s and his ability to raise their baby…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m guessing that that situation never came up with David Lee Roth. Am I wrong?
Jeff:
I would imagine that David Lee Roth would’ve incorporated the neck brace into some sort of skit where there are nurses administering to Alex…
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Right? And hooking up IV’s and such. But no… Sammy just wanted that shit fixed.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s like, “I’m sick of you looking…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Like you’re some kind of crazy paraplegic.”Alright, and then this… Our moment ends when…
Casey:
You know what, even speaking… I hate to keep interrupting the Van Halen Minute. It’s so perfect without any additional stuff… But, like, what.. Getting the vertebrae in your neck fixed, is that something you get around to? How did that happen?
Jeff:
Well, he…
Casey:
Like, “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to get the vertebrae in my neck fixed but I just… I keep putting it off,” right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s not your tax return, okay? It’s not something that you like, “Oh, it’s just a headache…”
Jeff:
“I got an extension.” Right.
Casey:
It’s like, no. It’s a vertebrae in your fucking neck.
Jeff:
Well, that was what was awesome. Like, from about ‘95 to ’97, every picture of Alex, he has that neck brace on.
Casey:
What the hell?
Jeff:
It’s not even, like, a red and white striped neck brace. It’s just a big old neck brace you wear around…
Casey:
I mean, in that sense, I’m a lazy person…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But that sets a whole new standard.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it’s like, “I can’t even be bothered to have neck surgery to fix my fucking spine.” That is a new level of not caring.
Jeff:
There is a great picture of him backstage with the neck brace on, all sweaty after a concert, smoking a cigarette. And you’re just like, “Dude, you look like a freak.” Anyway…
Casey:
Oh, my Lord.
Jeff:
Our Minute ends with, “With priorities scattered to the wind, Van Halen’s story, at this point, became like the fable of the 7 blind men and the elephant where everyone saw a different conflicting side.”
Casey:
Wait. How did we get from a completely “Twister”-centric paragraph to Blind Men and an Elephant?
Jeff:
Well, you know, he’s a man of many metaphors.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
That’s the way I’d look at that.
Casey:
“I can’t be constrained to just any one metaphor.”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, “I can’t get my prose across that way.”
Casey:
You know what, I should… You kinda inadvertently set me up here. You know, Casey’s Mixed-Up Metaphor Report…
Jeff:
Oh, okay. You got something to report?
Casey:
I actually do have one which I should probably put in because that was a pretty good presto-change-o there, a little bait and switch on the Twister metaphor.
Jeff:
Right, switched up…
Casey:
I happened to go in the other day when they were talking about… You know, obviously, we have a financial crisis…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That has been sort of looming. And just to make sure that this podcast has absolutely no relevance to anyone, we’ve managed to not mention it at all.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But I will mention it and the guys of something completely unimportant which is some guy saying the wrong metaphor which is that they were talking about sort of like all the bail-out activity that had been happening, you know, the bail-out bill passing and all that sort of stuff, like all this money that the government was gonna be spending…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And like, the market hasn’t gone up hugely or anything, like, you know, what’s going on there… They’re just talking about it. And the guy said, “There’s starting to be a sense that it will take time for all this to work out. There have been ounces of medicine and the market is digesting a pound of cure,” said Matthew Lloyd, Chief Investment Strategist of Advisor’s Asset Management, an institutional investment firm based in Monument, Colorado.
Jeff:
What’s the name of that company again?
Casey:
Yeah. Do not…
Jeff:
Do not…
Casey:
Take any advice from Advisor’s Asset Management.
Jeff:
Advisor’s Asset Management.
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
Remove your money…
Casey:
Take any one there who is handling your money…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Take the penalty for early withdrawal.
Casey:
Take the penalty now. Okay. “There have been ounces of medicine and the market is digesting a pound of cure.”
Jeff:
Pound of cure.
Casey:
So let’s start with the fact that the phrase is “an ounce is prevention is worth a pound of cure”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Prevention is not medicine. Medicine is the cure part, right? So it’s like saying if you wanted to mix up the wording but use the same phrase, you’d say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of medicine, right? Medicine is cure, right? Unless you’re talking about a prophylactic dosage or something, right?
Jeff:
No, this is actually more accurate than you think because if you think about it, we’re not treating any of the disease. We’re treating just symptoms. By spraying money into the situation, we are not solving the underlying issues of leverage…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And risk… We are simply band aid-ing over the fact that they cannot get any more leverage for that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So it’s like somebody is bleeding to death and we hook up a vial of blood to just keep pumping more blood in them because… And not sew them up. Just let the blood just spill right out… And then, we just keep giving them more blood right in the IV.
Casey:
But you see what you’re doing there?
Jeff:
I’m helping the…
Casey:
You’re actually talking about the actual issue, though.
Jeff:
Yes. Oh, I see. You want to…
Casey:
We’re trying to avoid this, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In fact, I know we had listener requests for us not to talk about it.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
That’s the first time that ever happened.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Usually, we get a listener request for us to talk about something…
Jeff:
Right. “Oh, don’t talk… I’ll get too depressed…”
Casey:
“Too depressed,” was what it says.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
I just want to focus on the fact that “there have been ounces of medicine in the market, digesting a pound of cure”. What does that mean? What, in his mind, did he actually mean when he said that? Because “ounces of medicine” and… So we made a distinction between the quantities of 2 things… I don’t even know what… I can’t even complete the analogy for him.
Jeff:
“Oh, you have a headache? Here’s a 2-pound aspirin.”
Casey:
So there’s medicine… There’s ounces of medicine and pound of cure. What are those 2 different things? Aren’t they both the bail-out? I mean, I don’t get it. Help me. Please help me understand. Matthew Lloyd, please call in to the podcast and tell me what the hell you were saying because I really don’t know.
Jeff:
I bet Matthew Lloyd would send in an animal link because that’s the kind of… Like, he’s sitting around… Everyone’s withdrawing their money…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re not doing any investment work right now.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
He’s surfing the web all day long.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I bet if he calls in, he’s sending animal links. He’s like, “Hey, look what I found, guys.”
Casey:
No. He would say like, “That’s the way the crumbs crumble.” You’d be like, “What the fuck does that mean? What does that mean, Matthew? Tell me what it means. You can’t put the same part of one of those sayings in both places of the saying. You know, you can’t use one of those, you know, sort of like compare and contrast things where A…
Jeff:
That’s the way…
Casey:
It’s like, that’s way A is just like A. It’s like… Yeah, I guess. They’re already crumbs, right? It’s like, they can’t crumble…
Jeff:
Any further…
Casey:
There’s nothing… That thing can’t happen.
Jeff:
Oh, that is awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Take your money out immediately.
Casey:
Yeah. Although, to be honest, like, “that’s where the crumbs crumble”, I could see maybe some really witty commentator doing that to say that we already had, like, one fraction of it. And now, even the [inaudible 56:47] are fractioning much like a game of Asteroids, if you will. But this one, “there have been ounces of medicine in the market digesting a pound of cure,” that one, I can’t even come up with the snide way that someone could actually be right about that because it doesn’t mean anything, as far as I can tell.
Jeff:
It self-mocks.
Casey:
Yeah, kind of.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, we want everyone to send us an email. We got some awesome emails this week. We also got, apparently, a few phone calls.
Casey:
We have been doing, actually, pretty darn good on the listener-submitted Good/No Good’s.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
What is the algorithm, Jeff, for when we do a Good/No Good? Are you keeping it secret as to when there’s gonna be one?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or are you going to announce your criteria for this?
Jeff:
No. I’m gonna keep it up in the air so that you’ll never know when you’re gonna get hit, like a Van Halen Minute. They come when you least expect.
Casey:
Okay, so…
Jeff:
Like David Lee Roth, he comes when you least expect.
Casey:
Okay. Well, so then, keep calling the phone number which is 425-296-3012…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Sean’s magic phone number… And leave a Good/No Good question for Jeff…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And we will buffer them up. And when Jeff next decides to grace us with a Good/No Good, we will have your submissions…
Jeff:
We will work them. And then, yeah, if you don’t want to do one, just send us an email. We like to hear from everybody. We hear from people all over the world, now. It’s amazing.
Casey:
It is amazing. It’s like, one big, global family.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
We’re really… We’re bringing people together.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I mean, if you…
Jeff:
By making fun of retarded fat people.
Casey:
I was just gonna say if you don’t count fat people and retarded people, right…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Then we’re a podcast of inclusion.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you don’t count all the people who work for Microsoft or the US government or fat people or retarded people or any of the people (or people, just in general), then we are about inclusion and bringing people together.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We’re all about inclusion.
Casey:
Yeah. And then, Jeff is about hiding because if there’s a lot of people together, he doesn’t want any part of that.
Jeff:
Yeah. Then, I’m leaving…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You guys can get together…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Amongst yourselves…
Casey:
Yeah. “I want to bring all the world together somewhere else where I am not.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, hey, thanks, everybody. And we will see you next week.
Casey:
Have a good week.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 38
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