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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Every Night is a Kobayashi Maru
"You can take the engine off the money train, but it's still going five-hundred miles an hour."
Original air date: October 29th, 2008
Topics. Handicapped. Just Too Late warnings. Installers. Megan Fox. Tipping. New Jersey. “No beef!” Angelina Jolie. Japan. Tipping economies. Luggage. Jennifer Connelly. Bathrooms. Lap dances. Trains. Apollo 13. Cinema. Bathroom bits. Inflation. Security screening.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
Back in the United States of America…
Casey:
Recorded for you live…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
In the podcast studios where, by live, I mean it is only not broadcast live but it is also heavily edited by Jeff using a digital editing program. But in that sense, it’s fully live.
Jeff:
Well, at least I’m not going to have to edit out, like, a one-second delay after every response that each of us said.
Casey:
Is that what you were having to do with the old one because of the…
Jeff:
You should see. Like, it would suck out 10 minutes just in the little gap removal.
Casey:
Brought to you by Skype.
Jeff:
Yeah. That was some good action. No. we’re back in. Episode 36.
Casey:
It’s a miracle of modern technology when people are able to record a podcast while being in completely different…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Sections of the world…
Jeff:
That was pretty amazing.
Casey:
I thought so, too.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It is exactly like Thomas Edison [inaudible 1:11] Sean…
Jeff:
Tom Edison was kind of a dick. He was actually really…
Casey:
And so are we.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
That’s true. Although we are anti-patent.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So I guess there’s an important difference between us and Thomas Edison, right?
Jeff:
That’s totally true.
Casey:
We have never tried to sue anyone for using, for example, our patented Good/No Good technology…
Jeff:
System…
Casey:
Here on the podcast…
Jeff:
Classification…
Casey:
Which is… I don’t want to give too much away but I think later in this podcast, there may be a Good/No Good. This is a Good/No Good piece…
Jeff:
That was the worst foreshadowing…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like…
Casey:
You know what, but it leads into something that I want to talk about obviously…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I just got back from Japan, as our listeners know. I was there for 3 weeks. And I have… This is not Good/No Good. It is sort of my gradual introduction of a topic using the Good/No Good framework that you have established…
Jeff:
I see. In what sense?
Casey:
Let’s start with this. You go into a public restroom…
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And there is no soap, okay?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Good/No Good?
Jeff:
Are you asking me?
Casey:
Yeah, I’m just using this as sort of a… I’m not sure what the correct literary term for this is. A device…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’m using a Good/No Good device to tell a story…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
About my experience in Asia.
Jeff:
I see. I see.
Casey:
Okay. So this is not the Good/No Good segment. This is merely just a forecast.
Jeff:
I probably would’ve tried to hold it through the entire trip.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I mean, that probably would’ve…
Casey:
Right. Okay. So that’s… Yes, so No Good…
Jeff:
[ I’ll just have waited going in another country. ]
Casey:
But the reason there’s no soap is not because someone didn’t refill the soap dispenser.
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
There’s no soap. Like, the bathroom is… They didn’t bother to put in soap dispenser.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s just a faucet.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
For the sink.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s just how they roll?
Casey:
That’s just how they roll.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Okay. Good/No Good? There’s just no sink.
Jeff:
Wait, there’s no sink or soap?
Casey:
In the bathroom. The bathroom doesn’t have a sink or soap or anything.
Jeff:
Alright. So you just go?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And leave?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So, you know, Good/No Good on that? I thought not very good.
Jeff:
Right. We’re getting a little nervous here.
Casey:
We’re getting a little nervous.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Good/No Good, okay…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The stall where you’re supposed to go to the bathroom does not have a toilet.
Jeff:
What?
Casey:
It simply has a hole…
Jeff:
This is one of those squat and drops like they have in China?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. Good/No Good?
Jeff:
I think that works when you’re way shorter. Maybe there’s not as much splash damage as there would be…
Casey:
Right. Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
When you’re a taller person.
Casey:
That’s an interesting silver lining you’re putting on this shit hole cloud, okay. Final Good/No Good — No toilet tissue.
Jeff:
Well, do they… This is one of the places that have one of them fancy toilets that, like, you [inaudible 3:59] and they squirt you off?
Casey:
No. There’s no toilet.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
All of these are in one bathroom.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I’m not giving you… I’m layering… I’m peeling away the layers of this shit on you.
Jeff:
So did you use this?
Casey:
No. Are you fucking kidding me?
Jeff:
I was gonna say, like… You know, you’d be like crunchy [ Kramer ] all day long.
Casey:
Here’s the thing. In my opinion, okay…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
A bathroom is not a fluid concept, okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The bathroom is what. . .
Jeff:
With established…
Casey:
Okay. A bathroom is what occurs when you have a toilet that flushes…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Toilet tissue.
Jeff:
Right. A sink…
Casey:
A sink…
Jeff:
Possibly soap…
Casey:
With running water and soap.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
In a soap dispenser that you can use to wash your hands, okay. Until all four things are there, right…
Jeff:
They’re not allowed to be known as a restroom…
Casey:
That is the Muratori Test…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For the Supreme Court as to whether or not there actually was a bathroom…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In the situation in question.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
If it doesn’t pass all 4 of those criteria, then there’s not a bathroom.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It was something else. It was a showroom floor that has toilets in it, for example, at the hardware store…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. We can distinguish that from an actual bathroom by using this test, okay.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Because they don’t flush and they don’t have…
Jeff:
They don’t have a sink.
Casey:
Running water and they don’t have soap, okay?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s how we know these things.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
These bathrooms are basically like that.
Jeff:
They failed all of those.
Casey:
Or there’s something else entirely. For example, a bathroom that has not yet had a toilet installed is indistinguishable from some of these Japanese bathrooms.
Jeff:
Right. Just [ staying down the hole ].
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. What’s the problem?
Casey:
I mean, at that point, you don’t really need a toilet which is ironic because they actually do have a toilet there. It’s like, this little porcelain landing strip, right, that you’re supposed to use… Why did you bother? Like, if you’re already shitting in a hole, who cares how nice you made the hole at that point?
Jeff:
Let’s not put a picture frame around the hole…
Casey:
Yeah, don’t dress it up, okay.
Jeff:
It’s not necessary. Right. Let’s just go with what you have here.
Casey:
Exactly. It’s like if you’re going for the complete minimalist approach to shitting…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Just leave it on the fucking floor, okay. Have someone come in and sweep it up later [inaudible 6:00] We’ll just be like a big old horse stable in here. It’ll be great.
Jeff:
Maybe it’s like…
Casey:
Put some carrots in a fucking bag and hang it on the wall and we’re all done.
Jeff:
You know, the Japanese are very high tech. Maybe that hole was like a Hell Gate and you just shit and it just, like…
Casey:
Yeah, the whole kind of… Yeah, exactly…
Jeff:
And then, flew right out into hell. That’s why hell sucks so much.
Casey:
Right, into a path where it fertilizes the field.
Jeff:
It’s just full of Japanese shit.
Casey:
I have no idea. Okay. Here’s the thing. Well, 2 more things about that that I wanted to talk about, okay…
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
So somehow… This is from the same culture that brings you toilets that clean your ass for you, right.
Jeff:
I mean, that’s not surprising, right? They’re going to…
Casey:
This is like the whole gamut, okay…
Jeff:
Right. Well, they’re gonna try to compensate the other direction for their… You know, you have these crazy hole toilets… What do they… Is there a name for the hole toilet?
Casey:
No. No, no, no. I think it’s red state/blue state.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Okay.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, shooting in a hole — red state. Cleans your ass for you — blue state. Right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It’s like they have their own internal sort of liberal conservative…
Jeff:
I see…
Casey:
You know, sort of city-country side version of this situation.
Jeff:
So when they vote for the emperor…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like… It’ll say somebody’s name and then “Prefers Hole”.
Casey:
Right, like hole or toilet…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like H or T.
Jeff:
Well, they don’t say “H or T” now. Have you noticed that?
Casey:
Right. Well, typical because it’s Japanese.
Jeff:
Well, the new ballots… Have you got your mail-in ballot yet?
Casey:
Probably. I haven’t been to the post office.
Jeff:
They don’t say Democratic party or Republican, anymore. They say “Prefers Democratic Party”/“Prefers Republican Party”.
Casey:
What the fuck does that mean?
Jeff:
It’s like, “We don’t want to label anybody. I don’t know why they do it. I was reading this. I’m like, “Wow, this is really wishy-washy.”
Casey:
That doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
This is like nobody wants to be identified with…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
They want to be able to have an out. Like, “Look, you know, I’m running as a Democrat but I’m not like those Democrats in Washington.”
Casey:
Right, right. Well, either that or it’s supposed to be… It’s like phrasing… It’s a personal ad.
Jeff:
“I just prefer that over the other people.”
Casey:
It’s personal ad phrasing. So it’s gonna be like, “Barrack Obama (Prefers long walks on the beach)”, you know…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’m not done with the shitting. This is the dichotomy there, right? They’ve got, you know, people who are like, “Oh, you’re just some highfaluting toilet shitter kind of guy, aren’t you?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? And there’s like, “Oh, these fucking people shit in a hole are uncultured,” whatever…
Jeff:
These elitists who use the toilets…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly… These Japanese elitists with their fancy toilets, right? These Tokyo elitists, that’s what it is, right? You know, it’s like the big urban centers. So here’s the thing that really sort of boggled my mind about it, okay. Some of these bathrooms… And by the way, the bit field that I specified there, like, “has a toilet, has toilet tissue, has a sink, has soap”…
Jeff:
Right. You need [ these ]…
Casey:
Other than, like, the 2 co-mingled bits there are sink and soap because soap never appears without the sink.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Sink can appear without the soap (and often does). But you’re never gonna have soap without a sink for obvious reasons.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos what the fuck are we there for, right? Oh, a thing to dry your hands. I forgot there’s a 5th bit. Thing to dry your hands.
Jeff:
You count that…
Casey:
Totally arbitrary thing…
Jeff:
Okay. That one’s not a necessary thing.
Casey:
I will walk out with my hands clean but wet if I have to, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because they’re clean. So I can wipe them on something, you know… Whatever, it’ll be fine.
Jeff:
[inaudible 9:15]
Casey:
I forgot that bit. That bit’s totally arbitrary.
Jeff:
Yep. Okay.
Casey:
Totally… They are not a fan of drying the hands. It could be sometimes they do, sometimes you don’t. Right? Okay, anyway, the other 2 bits are completely free besides the soap and sink bits being co-mingled. The other one’s totally free. So you can have a hole with toilet tissue, a hole with no toilet tissue, blablablablabla… That’s what I’m saying. So the other thing that totally boggled my mind here is that you go into some of these bathrooms and it’s all holes except for one stall that has a toilet. And that is the handicapped stall.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s the handicapped stall. How did this happen? They’re the only people who are already seated, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They already have the toilet. All they need is a flap under there and they could use… The hole is actually what they need.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m like, this is entirely backwards. All the rest of the stuff is actually what… The toilet and all that stuff is actually useless for somebody who’s handicapped…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If the wheelchair was designed properly, right, the hole actually makes a lot more sense. It’s a lot easier for a handicapped person to use if they don’t have to get up out of a chair because that might be a very hard thing for a handicapped person to do depending in what way they’re disabled, right? Stephen Hawking is not gonna be able to hoist himself up on to a fancy Japanese toilet. But if he can just wheel over the whole and, you know…
Jeff:
And let it go?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, he’s fine, right? So I don’t understand how they ended up designing it such that they thought that somehow the toilet was good for a handicapped person. I have no idea.
Jeff:
His wheelchair has, like, some little crazy breath control where…
Casey:
Crap chute…
Jeff:
He blows to the upper left and then it just goes…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So if you slap him on the back…
Casey:
It’s like open the [inaudible 10:53] Yeah.
Jeff:
“Hey, Stephen, baby,” and he goes…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then the thing opens. His ass is hanging out. It’s an international incident…
Casey:
Yes, exactly. Exactly.
Jeff:
So was this the norm… This was the normal thing?
Casey:
Yeah, I haven’t solved how you get the pants off problem… What?
Jeff:
Was this the normal thing or was this an unusual bathroom?
Casey:
Well, it basically… It’s exactly red state/blue state. I wasn’t making that up.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s like if you are in sort of older Tokyo… I mean, older Japan, like if you’re in the non-metropolitan centers, then that’s the case. And there’s no toilets, just the hole in the fucking ground…
Jeff:
Well, I don’t understand the no toilet paper thing. They just run around all crusty? Like…
Casey:
Yeah, like…
Jeff:
I mean, even my dog, if he takes a particularly bad shit, will sit down and then…
Casey:
Your dog’s a she, for starters…
Jeff:
She will sit down and then run forward, like sitting down…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
She worked out a solution. What is… I don’t understand.
Casey:
Right. I have no idea. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Do you think they bring it with them? Like…
Casey:
I don’t know. I have no idea.
Jeff:
This is really disturbing.
Casey:
I have no idea. It’s ridiculous is what it is. It’s totally ridiculous.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
But there’s a trick that I figured out, because this was not acceptable to me, which is that high-end department stores…
Jeff:
You went and pretended…
Casey:
There’s always high-end department stores wherever you go.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
In the train station…
Jeff:
You’re like George Costanza. You found the best bathroom in Tokyo…
Casey:
Yeah. What you do is always go to the second floor of the high-end department store closest to you and they have real toilets.
Jeff:
Okay. I see.
Casey:
Usually with the ass-wiper things and everything.
Jeff:
I don’t want to talk about that.
Casey:
Yeah. Anyway, there you go.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Casey’s Japan tips, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeff:
High-end department stores only.
Casey:
Yeah. I mean, it’s not “only”. It’s like, if you go in to the public toilets in a station or somewhere and you find yourself going, “This is no good,” and leaving immediately…
Jeff:
That’s your solution…
Casey:
Head for the nearest department store.
Jeff:
And they’ll take care of you.
Casey:
And you will be very happily rewarded there. And again, those 5 bits… Remember those 5 bits because this is important for your situational awareness, right? This is like be a defensive driver, right? Be a defensive crapper. When you walk into a bathroom, don’t just assume that the bits are set, okay, because they’re not necessarily set, alight? They’re not necessarily set.
Jeff:
You don’t want that to discover that zero bit…
Casey:
Just because you see a toilet does not mean that somebody has put toilet paper in there.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And I don’t mean that they’ve forgotten to refill it. I mean, it may not be a thing that this bathroom has. Ever.
Jeff:
Supplies… Right.
Casey:
It’s not “ran out”, okay?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not “forgot to refill”. It’s like, they just… No, that’s not part of the shitting process in this location, right?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
It’s gotten to the point where… You know how guide books have those little symbols that they put things…
Jeff:
They should have one of those…
Casey:
How many Dollar signs there are and, like…
Jeff:
Just a roll of toilet paper…
Casey:
They should have all 5 fucking symbols there.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Thing to wash your hands, whether or not it’s got a sink, whether or not it has soap, right… So it’s like, “sink + sink + soap”, 2 icons…
Jeff:
That’s not too much to ask.
Casey:
No. A toilet is a toilet and whether or not there’s toilet tissue.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They should have that all in the fucking guidebook. Every city should be listed as to whether or not the bathrooms there tend to have these things.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t… Like, Alicia mentioned the crazy “drop and squat”…
Casey:
“Best Places to Shit in Kyoto”…
Jeff:
Right. And like, “Number 1…”
Casey:
And they’re like, “Here, if you’re in this section of town, walk 2 blocks left and up the street…” Yeah, exactly…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They have a fucking actual toilet there…
Jeff:
Well, here’s what I don’t get is… So Alicia said that, yes, the bathrooms were creepy and she had to look all over when she was getting desperate.
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
And I don’t understand, like, the mechanics of squatting. Like, if you just…
Casey:
Neither do I…
Jeff:
If you just sat down right here and tried to just balance for the time it takes to shit, I’d probably tip over. Are they just really good balancers? Have they… For a lifetime…
Casey:
Not to mention how you use your iPhone or whatever if you’re holding on to the bar or whatever, right?
Jeff:
No, you don’t use anything… Yeah.
Casey:
You’re trying to read your emails on there or something…
Jeff:
Wait, you’re saying there’s handholds to balance themselves?
Casey:
You know, I assumed that there were but I guess I never checked because as soon as I saw that hole, I didn’t even go in the stall, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I was like, “We’re done. I’m not doing the hole. I’m not doing it. I’m unwilling to do it.”
Jeff:
Well, I would be unwilling… Like, looking down that hole…
Casey:
I’d just get back on the goddamned train at that point. I’m like, “We’re on the train.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Back on the train.
Jeff:
That’s like looking into the depths of hell, that hole.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It doesn’t matter. You’re just looking right into an alternate dimension.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You do not want to stare too long…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’ll leech your soul…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So yes…
Casey:
I also… So another important Japanese… Because, you know, obviously I saw a lot of cultural things in Japan and had lots of sightseeings and things. I had a great time and all that. But this…
Jeff:
Oh, let’s focus on the bathrooms…
Casey:
I was gonna say this podcast is not about that. This podcast is not about enriching your cultural experience or giving useful information.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s about crapping and stuff like that. So here’s another thing that I wanted to say about that. Japan is a culture where tipping is not done. Ever.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Period. In any circumstance that I’ve ever seen, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So for example, if you pay for an item and you do not have some exceptionally well-spoken Japanese skills in order to explain to them that you want them to keep the change… And I’m talking very exceptional communication skills like there’s no single phrase you could remember for this, I don’t think… Then, they will chase you out into the street with your change to give it to you. They will chase you out in the street with the receipt if you walk away before they hand you the receipt, okay? So like, when you buy something, there’s none of this, like, “Oh, it’s an extra penny and so no one cares or whatever.” It’s like, no. It does not matter. It’s like things are transacted at their exact specified price in all circumstances. No exceptions.
Jeff:
I see. Yes.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I don’t like that.
Casey:
What don’t you like?
Jeff:
I like tipping.
Casey:
You can’t tip.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
You can’t tip. I mean, maybe there’s circumstances where you can tip and I don’t know but I’m not sure.
Jeff:
You didn’t run into any.
Casey:
As far as I know, you’re unable to tip in any case. Cabs, people who handle your luggage at the hotel, any of that stuff, you can’t do that.
Jeff:
In Europe, you generally don’t tip but it’s not frowned upon if you do. They’re like, they will take you…
Casey:
Right, here… It’s not that they’re frowned upon. It’s not frowned upon. They don’t think…
Jeff:
It’s not understood…
Casey:
Right. It’s just it’s not something that’s in the space of possibilities so they assume that you just forgot or fucked up or something, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So I was thinking about this because I actually like that because I think economics works better when shit is, like, fixed pricing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Everyone is happier when they know what they’re getting instead of sort of a mysterious, like, “Am I going to get tipped or whatever by this person.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And what I realized was that economically speaking, tipping is basically non-assholes subsidizing assholes.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That’s what it is.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Period. So basically, what you’re doing there is you’re saying, “This person’s job, they make (at the end of a year or something) some amount of salary in tips, therefore,” right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
So their salary is the base salary plus the tipping. Averaged out, the tipping becomes some value, right? They’re getting some amount of money for their job for the tipping. Some people just don’t tip or they tip poorly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And other people tip well.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
The people that are tipping well are subsidizing the people that tip poorly that people who get tipped poorly, getting service for less money than the people who tip more. So basically, the people who are nicer get higher prices in this economy than the other people.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This is a terrible system.
Jeff:
I know at the restaurant I worked at in high school, they were like, “You know what, we’re gonna switch away from this and just pay everybody a fixed amount.” And none of the servers wanted it. They were like, “No, no, no. I don’t want that.” But whether or not…
Casey:
But I don’t give a shit about the servers.
Jeff:
You’re just saying as a consumer, you don’t like that.
Casey:
I’m saying that customers… The nicer the customer is, the harder they’re fucked in a tipping-based service.
Jeff:
Possibly but they also get… Like, at the strip club and you have asshole that tips nothing, guy that pays a lot for the lap dance…
Casey:
That’s not tipping.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s totally tipping.
Casey:
No. that is not tipping.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s…
Casey:
That would be the equivalent of if you sit down at a restaurant and hand the waitress 50 bucks at the start and you’re like, you’re gonna get great service, right? That’s not what happens at tipping. Tipping, the service is complete.
Jeff:
No, no, no. At the strip club… Wait, wait… Well, yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Those are different things, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true. But you still tip afterwards, depending on the quality of said lap dance. Like, there is still…
Casey:
You might but other people might not.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then again, you are subsidizing some dude who did not properly tip for his excellent lap dance or whatever.
Jeff:
Yeah, possibly. Well, he’s just not gonna get the good action next time. He’s willing to get a lackadaisical…
Casey:
If he comes back there. He might not ever go back there.
Jeff:
He’s not going to get anyone with a passion for providing the lap dance.
Casey:
Again, that presumes a lot of repeat business, which often is not the case. Well, maybe, you know… Maybe people are always at the same strip club. I have no fucking idea.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
You see what I’m saying, though?
Jeff:
Yeah, I know what you’re saying.
Casey:
And I think that it’s a bad system in terms of the economics of it, in general, right? I mean, in a perfect world everyone would tip based on the service and it’s like commission and that’s fine.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? But that’s not what happens.
Jeff:
It’s hard… Yeah.
Casey:
Like, I fucking tip the same amount regardless.
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
Like, I don’t even think about it.
Jeff:
It’s hard not to because even if you get bad service, you feel bad for the fact that they’re making $3 an hour so you give them a reasonable tip.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
So what we really should do is up the high end part even further, right?
Casey:
But then that just leads to tip inflation.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s true.
Casey:
See, I’m telling you.
Jeff:
It’ll spiral out of control…
Casey:
Tip economics do not work.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It is a bad, bad system.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it should be replaced.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Thank you.
Jeff:
Well, not only that…
Casey:
Thank you and good night.
Jeff:
A lot of places will pool the tips, anyways. So it’s not even, like, person you’re getting…
Casey:
Right, exactly. Now it’s got… At that point, it literally is the economic system that I’m talking about.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It is strictly, with no pretense, a way of subsidizing another person’s meal, basically, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, nicer people are paying so that less nice people get a cheaper meal.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Whoever wants that? That is never a good idea, right?
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
That is never a good idea. ‘Cos you’re not even necessarily subsidizing people who can afford to pay as much.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you went in and it was, like, it was based on your income, then it’s like, “Oh, that’s nice. I’m subsidizing someone who couldn’t afford to eat here or whatever.” That’s like… You might feel good about doing that. But that’s not what’s happening.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Usually, it’s someone who could totally afford it. He’s just a dick.
Jeff:
He’s just an asshole. Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, 75-year old dude who’s never tipped a fucking single person more than 2% in his life… He’s like, “Goddamn it. We worked for a living when I was young, none of this rap music and kids today…” You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
I was talking to a friend of mine that was in Europe for about 2 years. And they don’t tip there or it’s very rare, pretty much. But he came back and he’s like, “I don’t tip anymore.” Like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “I just don’t.” It’s like, “I don’t understand.” He’s like, “I just don’t. It feels great.” I was like, “Alright…” And I guess…
Casey:
You are paying for his food. You are paying for his food.
Jeff:
Totally. But I guess he just eventually… After the first couple of times where you’re maybe scared not filling out a tip…
Casey:
Nothing happens to you and you’re like, “Oh…”
Jeff:
Nothing happens and you’re just like, “This is awesome!”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Well, if everyone just stopped tipping immediately, the whole world stopped doing it…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’ll be fine because then you’d have to pay people more. They’d have to increase the wages…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
The problem is you can’t… It’s a prisoner’s dilemma situation.
Jeff:
Right, it is a prisoner’s…
Casey:
You can’t have 10% of the people stop tipping because then basically, it just means less wages for people who probably need it…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And not getting it fixed.
Jeff:
There has to be… We have to have a…
Casey:
There has to be a universal movement all at once.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And with or listener count dramatically climbing up towards the 200-person mark…
Jeff:
We’re gonna make a huge difference.
Casey:
We could instantly snap if just everyone in the podcast could begin.
Jeff:
Right. Like…
Casey:
Nope, I’m afraid not.
Jeff:
Like, the servers around Moscone Center at GDC would be the only people [inaudible 22:52] movement. No one else would…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
That’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
And since I don’t go there anymore…
Jeff:
You’re fine. Yeah. You can just screw and run.
Casey:
Yep. Yeah.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
That’s what she said.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Alright, so I think that was… Okay. Those were two things. I’m trying to think of any other Japanese… Oh, yeah. I do have one other Japanese thing. Well, these are not actually technically Japanese things. These were sort of travel things as opposed to Japanese things.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So first of all, you may not know this, Jeff because I don’t know if you’ve flown recently out of Seattle-Tacoma International Airport because it certainly wasn’t there the last time I was there…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which was pretty recently probably… Or maybe not. Maybe it’s been a while.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But you know the security checkpoint, right, the biggest colossal fucking waste of time…
Jeff:
Those are professionals.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Those are professionals. Just ridiculous shit here. Going through the security checkpoint now where you have to take off your shoes and your whatever… They have put advertisements on to the bottom of the security trays now.
Jeff:
Yeah. I have seen that. Yeah.
Casey:
What the fuck, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, I’ve seen… That’s how they roll.
Casey:
So pretty soon, there’s gonna be like, “Okay, the security checkpoint, we ask that you watch this 15-minute video on airplane safety by Coca Cola…”
Jeff:
Sponsored by McDonalds.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. And then, people are drinking a big old Coke during the whole thing. It’s like, remember to finish all liquids before you board the plane. And the dude downs some huge ass Coca Cola and goes, “Ahhh…” And then puts it in the appropriate receptacle… I mean, this is the point, though, is we’re now at the point in our lives where the government is creating situations where we have to wait and not do what we were gonna do so that they can show us more advertising.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Right? It’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
They need to just start selling the uniform space on the TSA people. So pretty soon, like…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. It’ll be…
Jeff:
The King or Ronald McDonald…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, a guy fully dressed up…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
With the wand…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And he says, “Come over here…”
Casey:
Well, you’re close. You’re not quite right. They’re not gonna do that because that wouldn’t maximize the amount of slicing they can do. They’re gonna look more like a NASCAR driver.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s gonna have patches all over the fucking TSA dude — on his ass, on his shoulders, on his back… They’re gonna be wearing helmets…
Jeff:
Well…
Casey:
Which are supposedly for safety and riot control.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But it’s really just so they can get more fucking logos on the back, right? There’s never actually been a TSA riot control problem…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re gonna have a riot shield but instead of being translucent, it’s gonna be opaque, right?
Jeff:
Full of stickers.
Casey:
And there’s gonna be stickers all over the fucking front of it.
Jeff:
Well, they already make you throw your drink away. And they’ll let you…
Casey:
Buy a drink on the other side!
Jeff:
They basically force you to buy another drink on the other side.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
It’ll be the same thing
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’ll just keep making you throw things away. It’s like, you don’t get your old shoes back…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
But on the other side, there’s a Payless.
Casey:
Yes. Yes.
Jeff:
And then can buy new shoes and then security cleared…
Casey:
Yes. And I’m afraid we have to do a rectal screening for everyone who comes through. So you can’t have eaten for 24 hours before it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But there’s a huge food court on the other side of the security checkpoint.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s great.
Jeff:
We’re fucked.
Casey:
No, seriously, like, at this point the government is horrible. I fucking hate our government so much. It’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
Well, I don’t even think…
Casey:
Fucking ridiculous.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I had to get my fingerprints and have my photo taken to enter Japan.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Yes. And if you are not a US citizen, you have to do exact same thing when you enter the US.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
They have a little thing that you put your fingers in and they take a digital scan of your fingerprints.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Yes. These people are totally fucking out of control. They have lost it.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
They have lost it. They are out of control. They’re the fucking Roman empire again. And it’s not just us.
Jeff:
I don’t think I’ve been outside the country since Paris. And they weren’t doing that then. So…
Casey:
I don’t remember them doing it 2 years ago when I flew the exact same route. I mean… Well, I guess it was a different airline but the same exact security checkpoints and all that shit. There’s no thing like that at all.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No, I didn’t know they did that.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So now you’re on a…
Casey:
And they took my sausage.
Jeff:
Yeah, they took your sausage…
Casey:
They took my fucking sausage. I tried to be a nice guy. I showed up. I was like, “Here’s the sausage…”
Jeff:
But you did learn your lesson.
Casey:
I did learn my lesson.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
I did learn my lesson.
Jeff:
And we don’t want to say anything…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
But let’s just say…
Casey:
Let’s just say that from now on, if I am going through an airport with some sausage, I will not be declaring the sausage.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
The sausage will remain undeclared.
Jeff:
And in the meantime, we’re going to have some delicious Japanese jam…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
That we don’t know how got here.
Casey:
No, I have no idea how it got here. I’m sure it was safe for export.
Jeff:
Yes, of course.
Casey:
Anyway…
Jeff:
And there were no warnings on the bottles. But it’s gonna be delicious.
Casey:
There might have been. I can’t read Kanji. So here’s another thing…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Northwest Airlines is on the ball. They are on the ball.
Jeff:
I don’t believe it.
Casey:
Yes, they are on it. At their luggage claim in Japan…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Their luggage carousel is going around. And I think they have one here, as well.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In the luggage carousel, they have a…
Jeff:
Why do they call it a carousel?
Casey:
Because we all ride and have fun.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And the horsies are wonderful. There is a fake baggage, you know, like some piece of luggage that’s not real luggage.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And there’s a big sticker on it and it says, “Please do not forget to take your luggage.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, I want to know what person shows up at the baggage claim, is waiting, looking at the baggage long enough for this bag to come around…
Jeff:
And remind them?
Casey:
Read the sign, and goes, “Oh, I was just about to leave. I was just about to go…”
Jeff:
“And then I realized…”
Casey:
“And then I realized that’s what I’m doing here. I’m waiting for my bag.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Thank you, Northwest Airlines for reminding me at the most opportune moment that I shouldn’t leave…
Jeff:
Without the bags…
Casey:
The baggage claim that I’m waiting at, watching the carousel, without the bag.
Jeff:
Here’s what always kills me is they take all this time to give you your little claim tickets…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I’ve never seen anybody at any airport anywhere check the claim tickets.
Casey:
I actually check the claim tickets.
Jeff:
You check to match? Or….
Casey:
Oh, you mean an actual…
Jeff:
Security people.
Casey:
New York City.
Jeff:
They do…
Casey:
New York City is the only place.
Jeff:
Well, no. They didn’t. I went to LaGuardia this summer and they didn’t do it there.
Casey:
I don’t remember which one…
Jeff:
If I was a thief, I would be stealing every piece of luggage.
Casey:
I’m sorry. You know what it is? I’m flying to New Jersey so it’s… Which one is that? Newark.
Jeff:
Newark.
Casey:
It’s Newark International Airport.
Jeff:
They do it.
Casey:
They check it. They also have a bunch of signs that say, “Do not get in a car with anyone…” It’s like, you know you’re in New Jersey, right? Like, you know, you fly in there and there’s all these signs at the airport that are not anywhere else at any airport I’ve ever seen.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they have people checking those tags, right…
Jeff:
“Warning: You’re about to get fucked.”
Casey:
Yeah, you’re just like, “This city is filled with filthy, disgusting people who will take all your money. You have no idea what you’re in for. Heaven help you if you’re foreign and don’t speak English very well.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But heaven help you even more if you’ve never been to the East Coast ‘cos you’re about to get robbed.
Jeff:
Listen, your bags…
Casey:
Hard.
Jeff:
Your bags are the least of your problems.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Forget about it.
Casey:
They shouldn’t even have a baggage claim for international arrivals at Newark.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’d be like, “We’re not gonna give you these back. We’re just gonna hold them for you here because if you actually took them out of this airport, you would never see any of the contents again,” pretty much. Period.
Jeff:
Yeah, “We’ll hold them ‘til you come back.”
Casey:
That way, you won’t have any of your shit but at least you’ll get it back which is more than what we can say for what’ll happen if we let you claim them. Anyway, so that was it followed up by… This Northwest sign followed up by a helpful sign on the Japanese railway system which is the backs of the seats on the Shinkansens have a helpful sign…
Jeff:
What is that word you just said?
Casey:
It’s a fast train.
Jeff:
Oh… You went on the fast train? I forgot about that.
Casey:
I have been on multiple… I’ve been on the fast train many times. There’s lots of fast trains there.
Jeff:
Is it awesome?
Casey:
Oh, the rail system in Japan is amazing. It’s fantastic?
Jeff:
Is it [ sense of speed ] there?
Casey:
Yes, to some degree. But you kind of have to look for it because it’s made for a very smooth, smooth ride.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s much smoother even than a plane.
Jeff:
But, like, when you look out, it’s clear that the countryside is going by…
Casey:
Oh, it’s going by pretty fast. Yes.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
But the new one, the Maglev train… The first Maglev… I don’t think they have any Maglevs. They’re just really high speed rail.
Jeff:
Okay, gotcha.
Casey:
Like, I think it’s a popular misconception that Japan has Maglev trains. They don’t.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
They are just really, really precise about the rails, you know, the actual rail lines.
Jeff:
Japanese love trains.
Casey:
Yes, they do love trains.
Jeff:
And monkeys.
Casey:
Like, I understand why they love trains because their trains actual do shit there. You can get anywhere in the country on train, if you need to, right? Whereas here, it’s like, “Huh… Well…”
Jeff:
Well, do they have a problem with the ones that they have here? Like, the train that goes from Seattle to Portland would be nice if it didn’t stop 8 times.
Casey:
No, they have lots of stuff for that.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Basically, they have a whole staggered schedule of expresses versus local trains.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Gotcha. Like the subway in New York, yeah. Okay.
Casey:
And so, you basically have a situation where you go to this ticket counter and they compute… They have a little computer system there which figures out the fastest way for you to get to your destination.
Jeff:
I gotcha.
Casey:
So it’s like, “Okay, yeah, take this bullet train,” you know, “this express train here. Then change to this local and get off at your stop and it’ll work for you or whatever.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. But point being, they have a little helpful reminder which says (at the back of the seat in the train), “Please don’t rush to make your train.”
Jeff:
On the back of the seat? Okay.
Casey:
So I guess this is just a warning for next time.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Because you’re already there.
Jeff:
When you’re sitting in your seat, huffing and puffing…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, right?
Jeff:
You’re sweaty…
Casey:
Obviously, you rushed ‘cos you made the train.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. So it’s a little late. The horse is out of the barn at this point, right?
Jeff:
Right, I see.
Casey:
It’s very much like the Northwest Airlines thing where it’s like, you’re reminding the people who already did or did not do the thing that you wanted them to do that they should do or not do it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, you probably want to tell them prior to the initialization of the action.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
But what can I say? Anyway…
Jeff:
These are helpful signs.
Casey:
They are helpful signs.
Jeff:
Alright. Because, you know, the signs shouldn’t simply be a reprimand. It should be educational. And that’s what those signs are. They’re purely educational for next time, right?
Casey:
Just so you know, just pro-tips. They’re pro-tips. You know what, that is exactly what it’s like. It’s like you go to launch the baggage claim app and it comes up with like, “Tip”… You know those little tip windows?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re like, “You shouldn’t leave the baggage claim area until you’ve gotten all your luggage. Show tips at start-up. Never show tips. Next tip.” Next tip is something like, “Did you know there are vending machines on the other side of the security…” You know, it’s like, okay, awesome…
Jeff:
That is awesome. I totally got screwed by an install…
Casey:
“You can save time by having yourself pre-rectally screened at your doctor’s before showing up at the airport.”
Jeff:
They are having pre-security passes. It’s supposed to start soon.
Casey:
What does that mean?
Jeff:
Where you pay to get on this fast list to go through the security line faster.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
I’m just saying… It’s starting in the next 6 months or something where they can get pre-screened. They do a deep background check on you. You’re A-Okay. And then, you go straight through or something.
Casey:
A deep background check.
Jeff:
I have no idea what that means. But you know, like they did for Sarah Palin, right?
Casey:
I know exactly what it means, right?
Jeff:
Right? When they asked her a few questions before… “Do you want to be Vice President?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Done.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s the action. I installed Sony Vegas Pro 8 to do some video editing.
Casey:
What video were you editing?
Jeff:
Well, I was gonna do… Well, I don’t want to say yet because we’re gonna do it for the show.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay, so this is a podcast-related installation?
Jeff:
So I installed this thing. The installer required .Net Version 3, okay?
Casey:
So a pretty new version?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is that the latest or is there a 4?
Jeff:
No, there’s just 3, I think, right now. I had to install that, not for the app. For the installer. The installer needed it. The app didn’t.
Casey:
Let me ask you a question.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Does the installer for .Net 3 require .Net 2?
Jeff:
Well, here’s…
Casey:
Somehow, it would not surprise me if that was true.
Jeff:
That you needed to do this big, long mega…
Casey:
If there was a Russian nesting doll installation procedure that involved going back and getting a copy of .Net 1 which had a regular installer…
Jeff:
Well, that’s awesome. If you ever noticed on Windows Update, it’ll say, like, “You have installed .Net 2.” If you, for some reason, check that and then immediately rerun Windows Update…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’ll come right back up and say, “You need to install the update to .Net 2.”
Casey:
Right, they never bundle that shit.
Jeff:
They never bundle it.
Casey:
No, they don’t.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, so yeah. I had to install that. Then, once it installed, it crashed immediately.
Casey:
The installer crashed?
Jeff:
The program did.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The program didn’t run. And then, it asked me when it installed. It said, “Do you want a shortcut on the desktop?” I said no. When I said no, it shoved all my icons up into the corner.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
It reorganized all my icons.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Like, this is the best user experience I’ve ever had.
Casey:
And now, you can’t even run it because it doesn’t work?
Jeff:
Yeah, it just crashes. I have no idea what that problem is. So I’m like, “Good job. Just excellent.” And this is for video editing. This isn’t even that fancy of an application.
Casey:
Well, it is because in order to run a video editing application on Windows, you have to run through DirectShow…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Which is like, you know, DirectShow is more of an operating system than Windows, really, in terms of complexity, I’m sure, right? I mean, Windows is only more complex than DirectShow in the sense that contains DirectShow, right?
Jeff:
Right. That’s right.
Casey:
If you took DirectShow out of Windows, it would no longer be as complicated, right? DirectShow is, by far… You know, it’s one of those things where you…
Jeff:
DirectShow is like a language where the entire language is based on closures. So you write nothing that’s not a call back. That’s how awesome DirectShow is. Every single thing is a method pointer that gets called form somewhere else in some other chain of command…
Casey:
With a giant [ grid ], a giant huge fucking [ grid ].
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s good action. Oh, wait. That’s the other thing. Okay. Then it asked me to register it. And I said, “Register Later”. And it said, “To Register Later, you must type in the optional security code,” or whatever… You know, big [inaudible 37:38] thing…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
72 characters, Casey.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Do you know how long it takes to type in 72 characters?
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
When it’s completely non-mnemonic, alphanumeric… At least it wasn’t upper and lower case. I probably typed it in, like, 3 times. When you get…
Casey:
But Jeff… No, Jeff…
Jeff:
Wait, I haven’t told you the best part.
Casey:
It’s optional. But it’s optional.
Jeff:
Yeah, if I register… And they were very… Every time it failed, it reminded you that, like, “Dude…”
Casey:
“By the way, if you don’t want to type in a ridiculous 72-long character code, you can just go to Sony and register the program.
Jeff:
Here’s the awesome thing. When it fails, it says, “That is the wrong security code. By the way, if you register, you don’t have to type this in. Press Okay.” You press Okay. Deletes the old number. So you have to type it in again.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
I’m like, “Best installer ever.”
Casey:
Ever.
Jeff:
Okay, Casey, I’ve got a funny Microsoft story, actually. This friend of one of the guys that worked here. He was working in the game industry and he recently went to work for Microsoft.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And…
Casey:
Smart movie in the sense that that is a terrible idea.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, you know, try something new…
Casey:
Maybe he was working for EA or something. I don’t know. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, you never know, right? Could be lateral, could be down…
Casey:
Yeah, that’s right.
Jeff:
Anyway, he moves there and…
Casey:
Maybe EA started having, like, only Whoppers in the cafeteria or something and so they’re just like, “No.”
Jeff:
That would be wonderful. That would be so awesome.
Casey:
Not vegetarian. Not BK veggie burgers, Jeff.
Jeff:
Okay, that would be bad. But as long as they have BK veggies, that would be awesome.
Casey:
You’d be like, “Awesome. I’ll go work with EA.”
Jeff:
I was telling you this story earlier today about the dude… When I went to Burger King about a week ago. I went there and it was about 1 in the morning. So it’s the scary late-night crew, right? And I pull up and there’s a long line. And whenever there’s a long line at the Burger King, you’re like, “Oh, something sketchy…”
Casey:
Okay, so that’s a little side No Good there…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Long line at the Burger King…”
Jeff:
No Good.
Casey:
Very bad.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Something bad will happen or is happening.
Jeff:
So I pull up next to the talker thing…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And the dude goes, “No beef!” Just like that. I go, “Excuse me?” And he goes, “We’ve got no beef!” Like that.
Casey:
He just wants you to know upfront.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Before you start your order…
Jeff:
Apparently, people have been, like, yelling at him…
Casey:
“Beef is not on the menu.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not on the menu.
Jeff:
“We’ve got no beef!” And I go, “Oh, okay.” Then he went on… And like…
Casey:
How did you miss this opportunity? You said okay?
Jeff:
I was blown away.
Casey:
That’s, like, a once in a lifetime opportunity to say into the Burger King talk box, “Where’s the beef?” How did you not say that?
Jeff:
I thought of Wendy’s a little bit. I also thought of you immediately rolling…
Casey:
’Cos you could be like, “Well, where’s the beef?”
Jeff:
I also thought of you rolling down the window and saying, “That’s what she said,” immediately after. So… But no. He goes, “No beef!” And I go, “Uh, okay.” And I’m kind of stunned for a second. Then he went on to say, “The broiler’s broken. There’s no beef.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine. I guess…” And I was getting some food for me, John, and Sean…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I needed beef. And I was unable to get it.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I’m like, “Is there chicken?” He goes, “Grilled tenders. There’s 2 of them. There’s just 2 grilled tenders. That’s it.” I go, “Give me your last 2 grilled tenders.”
Casey:
What does grilled tenders mean?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I guess there’s a sandwich called a grilled tender?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I’m like… And he goes, “One of them doesn’t have mayonnaise.” And first of…
Casey:
How does it not have mayonnaise?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
They couldn’t add the mayonnaise to it?
Jeff:
No, it gets weirder.
Casey:
How did they run out of mayonnaise?
Jeff:
I have no idea. And you know that type of person that when there’s a minor emergency, they freak out. This was that kind of person only the emergency was not minor.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos they’re…
Casey:
They literally have no food to sell.
Jeff:
They have no beef.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I kinda laugh and I go, “Okay, that’s fine. Get me a BK veggie,” which he took. So if you ever have the No Beef, order a veggie burger and you’re good. And I said, “Give me a frozen Coke,” because they also have these Slurpee things.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
He goes, “No frozen Coke. The machine turned off.” And I started laughing. He’s like, “It shuts off at 12.” And I go, “No. I got them a lot of times after 12. Regularly after 12, as a matter of fact.” He goes, “I think it goes off at… Wait. It’s spinning again. Okay, you can have one of those.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
It was the craziest order.
Casey:
Okay, but dude, basically what you’ve become now (just so we’re clear on this), you’re like a fucking hostage negotiator for Burger King now. You’re like, “Okay, just calm down, man. Just calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Jeff:
“It’s gonna be fine.”
Casey:
“Now take a look at the machine, alright, is it spinning? Is it spinning right now?” “Yeah, I think it’s spinning.” “Okay. Okay, that’s good if it’s spinning now. There should be a button to the left of that.” But I shouldn’t say hostage. It’s like the dude talks a dude down on the plane. Like the pilot has died, right?
Jeff:
No, the bomb diffuser.
Casey:
Yeah, right. Exactly. It’s like, he’s freaking out. He doesn’t know what to do and you’re calmly walking him through the process…
Jeff:
It was awesome.
Casey:
Of constructing a Veggie Burger with a frozen Coke. You’re like, “Trust me, dude. I know how to do this. I’m a professional.”
Jeff:
Well, this dude was… He’s also the scary ped dude. You’ve seen this guy.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
The guy that totally looks like the pedophile.
Casey:
Oh, I don’t know if I…
Jeff:
He’s got the crazy prematurely gray hair.
Casey:
No, I don’t…
Jeff:
And he’s got this crazy mustache. It’s like the mustache ride mustache, like straight off of…
Casey:
Oh, you think free mustache rides are available at this Burger King if you request them?
Jeff:
Yes, totally. Yeah, and you’re underage.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He’s a scary dude. So he’s the dude freaking out. So the other funny thing is…
Casey:
He has a future as a US Senator.
Jeff:
Right. So I’m behind this huge line. I’m sitting there at the thing and I order and I can’t move forward, right? But when he finishes with me, he leaves the…
Casey:
“I yield to the gentleman from South Carolina.”
Jeff:
No. He finishes taking my order and he leaves the mic on and he goes, “We’re fucked.” And he’s like… Finally, the car rolls forward and then, all the lights at the Burger King go off. All of them except one little pigeon hole light in the drive-through window. So he finally just said, “Fuck it.” And turned all the lights off, shut down the Burger King, and then I guess I may have been the last or second to last person to get any food. He was losing his shit. This guy would’ve failed… Like, I’m sure they have… What’s the…
Casey:
BK Bootcamp or something?
Jeff:
Yeah, well, what’s the Star Trek scenario that you can’t win? So there’s the…
Casey:
Mmhmm… The Kobayashi Maru.
Jeff:
Yeah, they have one of those at Burger King where all the machines are broken.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And the person… Whatever you offer, they say, “No, I’m allergic.” And you’re just supposed to pull your shit together.
Casey:
No, you just did the guy’s voice with the customer.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re supposed to be calm and this guy…
Casey:
Yeah, they’re like, “We have onion rings.” “I hate onions.” “Oh, shit.” Yeah, but the thing is, Jeff, the Kobayashi Maru is this guy’s every night. Like, starting at fucking 9 PM, it just all goes downhill from there.
Jeff:
That’s right. “Hey, boss, the garbage can’s almost full.” “Oh, shit.”
Casey:
“Goddamn it.”
Jeff:
“Turn the lights all off.”
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, my lord. I mean, how does it go that wrong? It’s a fucking Burger King. Like, Jesus Christ. It’s not mission critical.
Jeff:
They have a huge menu. But yeah, no beef. To start out, no beef was the ultimate…
Casey:
Right. In his mind, it’s like Apollo 13, right?
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
It’s that level of complexity that’s going on there, right?
Jeff:
He’s looking at a pile of ingredients…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he has to figure out…
Casey:
Right. “I gotta make one of those from this.”
Jeff:
“I have sweet & sour sauce…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“I have one bun…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Five pickles, and an onion ring.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“What can I make here? [ We’ve got a Happy Meal on the other side. ]”
Casey:
Dude, wrong restaurant.
Jeff:
Damn it. Anyway, it was pretty crazy.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That was a complete tangent. What were we starting on?
Casey:
I sure think it’s gonna be our finest hour. “Something’s [inaudible 45:47] out in the alley.”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
“I think it’s the ice machine.”
Jeff:
[inaudible 45:52] up. Oh, my God.
Casey:
That would be awesome. Oh, I would watch that film.
Jeff:
The thing that I was gonna talk about was this guy that left the game industry and went to work at Microsoft.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
And he worked there for a month before he couldn’t take it anymore.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So it started with… He arrived there and he immediately found out that all of their IT Support is in India.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So you call in, like, you know, “What’s my password? How do I log in?”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And it calls somebody in India.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then, they work on it.
Casey:
Right. No, but it’s better than that. It’s a lot better than that. It’s IT Support.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah. That’s true.
Casey:
For Microsoft. They wrote the product, okay. They printed the documentation that the dude in India is now reading back to you…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
About how to fix your own fucking computer…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That you wrote.
Jeff:
Well, he shows up…
Casey:
That is amazing. That is the cycle of life like the fucking Lion King, right?
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Bill Gates baby that they hold up over the… Holy fuck. I mean, that is the most ridiculous concept I’ve ever heard.
Jeff:
Bill Gates baby above…
Casey:
Gotta call India to tell you how to use your own software.
Jeff:
So yeah, they call India. And he says, “Hey, my name…” And his name is… Let’s just say Jason Jones. So, a very common name.
Casey:
Okay. The founder of Bungie.
Jeff:
Yes. Oh, is that right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Wasn’t Jason Jones also the dude that made everyone drink the Kool-Aid? Or is that Jim Jones?
Casey:
Oh, yeah. It was Jim Jones.
Jeff:
Okay, let’s say Jim Jones.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
His name is Jim Jones. He said, “I need to change my password.” The guys in India changed 8 other Jim Jones before him, trying to get his password right. It’s like, change, change, change…
Casey:
Right, ‘cos they don’t know which it is.
Jeff:
Finally, they get him and he’s able to log-in. Screw the other 7 people.
Casey:
Right. The other Jim Jones can’t log-in in the morning. They’ll call in India which starts the cycle anew.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
So they have to change all the Jim Jones’ they can. So basically, like, the Jim Jones ring at Microsoft…
Jeff:
You just want to be the last one.
Casey:
It’s like, every day, a new Jim Jones has to call up and get the thing reset. And then, it’s like, all over again.
Jeff:
Right. It’s like a hash table that you don’t want to collide.
Casey:
No. They’re never gonna get out of it. ‘Cos it doesn’t grow.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not that [inaudible 47:56] It’s just out of space. It’s over, right? So it’s just like you’re gonna get overwritten every day.
Jeff:
With somebody.
Casey:
Yep. Sorry.
Jeff:
So he finally is able to log in.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And his computer isn’t working correctly. So he calls Hardware Support. Hardware Support is in Colorado.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
They’re not here.
Casey:
Now, why aren’t they in India? Who knows?
Jeff:
Well, who knows? But the important thing is…
Casey:
India was too expensive so they moved it to Colorado.
Jeff:
With Hardware, you usually have to have somebody to come around…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And say, like, put in more RAM into your machine…
Casey:
Right, or if the hard disk busted or something…
Jeff:
Right. But that still happens in Colorado. And then, they direct a tech here in Redmond who is basically, like, 48-hour delayed…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Because he’s just running from 1 thing to the next based on where Colorado tells him to go next. He’s like, “Go get some RAM. Go do…” If you miss your appointment, you go back and it’s like, this rolls over again. And this is the same guy that also sets up your phone. So if you’re not there, then you don’t get an extension. It’s like the whole thing.
Casey:
So basically, what you’re telling me is the same… The basically use the same design principles for their company as they do for their software, pretty much?
Jeff:
Apparently. Yeah.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Farming out somebody else who fucks it up.
Casey:
Which is “we have no fucking idea”.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Well, then, the other thing is they all buy Dell laptops for everybody…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which have Vista pre-installed which they immediately have to wipe with XP because none of the developers like to use it.
Casey:
Awesome. Awesome.
Jeff:
So it’s basically just this entire ridiculous cluster fuck just to get started there. He barely got all this solved and he’s like, “I can’t fucking take it.”
Casey:
Yeah, “ I quit.”
Jeff:
And then left so…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s a process.
Casey:
That company’s so done.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
My lord…
Jeff:
But you know, they’re so done and yet, they make crazy money.
Casey:
And they will forever. Like, this is what I was telling you. It’s the money train, right?
Jeff:
It’s crazy.
Casey:
You can take the engine off the money train. It was still going 500 miles an hour, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s gonna take a long…
Casey:
It’s gonna take a long-ass time for that train to slow down. It is gonna run from here, you know, to the East Coast before that train is finally done.
Jeff:
Yeah, that is the crazy…
Casey:
So there’s plenty of cash.
Jeff:
Let me tell you one last story and then we will get to your little not-so-subtle foreshadowing…
Casey:
Oh, my little foreshadowing…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That there might be a Good/No Good.
Jeff:
And that was I wanted to… This cracked me up when I read about this because it reminded me of something that we always joke about. And this is Anne Hathaway, the actress’, boyfriend…
Casey:
Oh, so now we’re switching away from personal experiences here to… This is a news item?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a news item.
Casey:
’Cos this is the first podcast in a while where we haven’t talked about the news at all.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
We really haven’t had any public news this entire time.
Jeff:
We had lots of things that happened to us.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. This is more of a…
Jeff:
You went to Japan.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I went to Burger King.
Casey:
Right. Yeah, which are basically about the same amount of adventure…
Jeff:
For each one of us, right?
Casey:
Proportionally speaking…
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I left the apartment…
Casey:
The same level of nerves.
Jeff:
To go… Yes…
Casey:
If you will… Involved in both.
Jeff:
In both cases.
Casey:
Steeling yourself for the journey.
Jeff:
Right. This will be our news minute for the week in a short while.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
And that’s Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend or ex-boyfriend…
Casey:
Ex-boyfriend?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re not longer together.
Jeff:
Recently… They are no longer together.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
There were always whispers that he may be this con-artist. And eventually, the Feds came in and arrested him and tried him and he lost.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And what…
Casey:
So what you’re saying is she’s not a fabulous judge of character is what you’re trying to say here?
Jeff:
No. Yeah. I would say that that is true.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, his maneuver was he had a lot of pictures of himself along with Cardinals and even the Pope. And he represented himself as some sort of friend of the Vatican.
Casey:
Now, were these Photoshopped pictures or actual real…
Jeff:
No, they were apparently real.
Casey:
So he actually went and had his photo taken with these people?
Jeff:
He somehow got… Yeah.
Casey:
So he’s a fairly dedicated con-man?
Jeff:
Yeah. But I guess that’s like… You get that. That’s like the Joker of the deck.
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
When you pull out the picture of yourself and the Pope, right?
Casey:
Yeah, ‘cos who doesn’t want to give money to the Pope?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Such a fabulous institution.
Jeff:
Well, that was his maneuver, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, he represented himself like a “Friends of the Vatican” group. “Donate to us…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he took all this money and just kept it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Which probably did about as much good as it would have done giving it to Vatican. But yes, continue.
Jeff:
Yeah, probably. Maybe even…
Casey:
Maybe even more. Yeah, exactly right.
Jeff:
We didn’t fund… Right?
Casey:
Yes, that’s right. We didn’t actively fund, like, anti-contraception program….
Jeff:
Listen, that was his defense. He’s like, “Look, at least my money didn’t go to fucking any kids,” right?
Casey:
Didn’t end up in the hands of the Vatican. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Didn’t end up in any little kid’s ass, basically.
Casey:
Right. It’s like somebody who has pictures of himself with John Gotti or something and he’s like, you know, “Give to the mafia,” right. And he keeps the money.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Do you go to jail for it? You prevented money from going to the mob.
Jeff:
Exactly. What’s the problem?
Casey:
That’s like a plus, right? I mean, you should be commended for this service.
Jeff:
Well, what I… All that was like, “Hey, whatever,” and it’s random and craziness.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But the best part was he had his trial and he was convicted. And the judge was calculating his time.
Casey:
Oh, his sentence.
Jeff:
Right, his sentence. And you know, as the defendants usually do, they beg for leniency and explain why they’re a changed person or it wasn’t that bad or “here were my conditions”, “I was trying to feed my kids”, “I was having to fuck Anne Hathaway”…
Casey:
Yeah, right.
Jeff:
Whatever your excuse is, right? And in his, what was I thought a really awesomely ballsy move was he said, “Look, I’m a good guy. Here are some pictures of me with the Pope and some Cardinals.” He used the pictures on the judge after, like…
Casey:
That’s awesome. That’s awesome.
Jeff:
That’s such awesome tunnel vision, A. Or B, the largest balls ever where he’s just like, “He’s never gonna remember the pictures.”
Casey:
So he was just like…
Jeff:
They have, like, Exhibit A, [inaudible 53:45]
Casey:
The judge is like, “What do you…” Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say. The judge is like, “What do you have to say for yourself?” He’s like, “Can you hand me Exhibit C over there? B, C, D, and F…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Look at these, Your Honor. Maybe this will change your mind.” You know what I mean? He slides it across the table.
Jeff:
That is exactly what I thought. It was a Beavis & Butthead…
Casey:
So amazing. Now, when you said he was “having to fuck Anne Hathaway”, does that mean that… Just segueing here…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Does that mean that Anne Hathaway, No Good?
Jeff:
No, she doesn’t do it for me. She’s got those… She looks… If her eyes were another millimeter further apart, she’d be a Downs kid. That’s how close it is. She’s got some crazy thing. And they’re also… Her eyes are kind of tilted in this way that, like, she could look hot from some angles and then she looks this way and she looks exactly like some crazy cow.
Casey:
Okay. So what you’re basically saying is that Anne Hathaway is not in variant under prospective projection?
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Right. So under…
Jeff:
As if the divide wasn’t happening and she was… In real life, she was completely [inaudible 54:54] projecting at all times.
Casey:
Awesome. So she’s doesn’t… She’s a vector. She’s not made of points.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
She’s not made of points, somehow.
Jeff:
She’s a little creepy.
Casey:
That’s awesome. Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
There you go.
Casey:
That’s good. Well, that transitions me nicely into this week’s Good/No Good.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Which I think everyone has been waiting for. We have some… And it transitions so perfectly. It’s almost like we planned it. And yet, we did not… Well, I planned it.
Jeff:
Yeah, I never know these…
Casey:
In my head just then, though…
Jeff:
I never know these…
Casey:
So I wanted to clean up a few things that happened that the world doesn’t actually know about because they happened in private…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In email discussions with our listeners. I wanted to get some of these out in the open.
Jeff:
Okay. So some of these are gonna be user No Good’s is what you’re saying? Or listener No Good’s?
Casey:
Well, that’s coming in a second. This is a little preamble to the Good/No Good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which is that Eddie Fostler wrote in…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
To disagree… And I apologize if I’m mispronouncing those names because I only get to see these in email.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He wrote in and he disagreed with you because you claimed that Megan Fox looked like Angelina Jolie, okay?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And he strongly disagreed and said that Megan Fox looks like a slutty version of Jennifer Connelly in her “Labyrinth” or “Inventing the Abbotts” days.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
Okay. And he said he wasn’t complaining about that but he was just saying that, like, it did not… You know, it did not… An you replied to that with some various statements that I thought you might want to clarify. And he simply… I’ll sum up his response to you after but I thought you’d get that out there so people can understand where we’re at since Angelina Jolie is a central topic of this podcast and this was information that I thought the public needed to have.
Jeff:
Okay. So, yeah. So the Megan Fox thing… I think her eyes and her lips look like Angelina Jolie’s.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I agree that…
Casey:
She doesn’t have the Anne Hathaway eye mis-projection problem.
Jeff:
No. Right. With the eyes not in the right spot. Right.
Casey:
It’s not a problem. Okay. I see.
Jeff:
So, yeah… But I can see what he’s saying. My response to him was just saying that I used to think Jennifer Connelly was super hot.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Probably even above Angelina Jolie…
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
In her time…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
See, this is very important information we need to have.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. I see now.
Jeff:
Right. Something happened to her where she became… Like, she lost about… I would say 20 pounds.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And now, she looks like the skeleton version of herself, right.
Casey:
I see. Yes.
Jeff:
So now, she does that. Now… The important thing to remember is the whole point of Jennifer Connelly’s allure was her… I’m trying to think of the polite way to say this but her, like…
Casey:
Voluptuousness, if you will.
Jeff:
Voluptuousness, yes.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And including, like, what many people would point to as a high point in cinema of any kind.
Casey:
Okay. A paragon…
Jeff:
Right, of when she was riding the little… What are they? You put a quarter in them. They’re like little hobby horses.
Casey:
I don’t think there’s a name for that but yes, a coin-operated horse.
Jeff:
Right. And I think it was in the movie, “Career Opportunities”…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Where she put that in. She rode the horse…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
There was some bouncing.
Casey:
Yes. She definitely rode the horse, if you will.
Jeff:
She rode the horse.
Casey:
And all that that implies.
Jeff:
She rode that fucking horse, okay.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That’s up there with, like…
Casey:
Finest moments in film.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Certainly, finest horseback riding moments in film…
Jeff:
Yes, it’s right up there.
Casey:
Certainly up there.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Finest moments in film.
Jeff:
With Silverado and…
Casey:
Yeah, definitely. Clearly, “Dances with Wolves” and so on…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It was astonishing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So anyway, after that, we didn’t see her for a little while. She was in “Rocketeer” and “Dark City” where she remained somewhat voluptuous…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And all of a sudden, blam, she was this crazy, non-attractive insect-woman…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is what she is now.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So now, I don’t compare anybody to her. Because she’s been ruined.
Casey:
Okay. I see what you’re saying.
Jeff:
So there you go.
Casey:
Okay. So basically, Eddie Foster followed that up with I think summing up your sentiments on the matter by somebody saying Good is “Career Opportunities” Jennnifer Connelly, No Good is Skeletor Jennnifer Connelly.
Jeff:
Yes, Skeletor is what I call her now.
Casey:
Okay. So that was an important piece of information that I thought you need to get out in the public sphere.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And now that we have that out in the public sphere. I will proceed with the viewer-submitted Good/No Good’s.
Jeff:
Okay. So some of these are emails we… Do you want to talk about how we’re going to take future ones now or do you want to save that ‘til we’re done?
Casey:
Okay, yeah. Let’s talk about that for a second.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So what’s happened now is there is actually a phone number, a dial-a-Good-No-Good, if you will where instead of you having to write an email or record an audio clip of yourself…
Jeff:
’Cos we want to get our listeners involved. We want to hear your voice.
Casey:
Yes. We want to actually have your voices asking Jeff the Good/No Good on the podcast.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But since we do not have the technology… We don’t even remotely have the technology necessary to pull this off to have you real time, we’re instead going to do it in turn-based… A turn-based strategy version of it…
Jeff:
Yes. [inaudible 60:10]
Casey:
Where you simply ask the question and then I will ask Jeff the question on the podcast. And we will, using the miracle of digital edited technology, insert your actual asking it into the podcast.
Jeff:
Right. And we have one of those this week.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, hopefully with the phone number that Sean was kind enough to set up for us.
Casey:
This is entirely Sean Barrett’s engineering…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Brilliant piece of engineering where you can now call 425-296-3012.
Jeff:
That’s 425…
Casey:
425-296-3012.
Jeff:
And just say your name, where you’re from…
Casey:
And ask a Good/No Good for Jeff.
Jeff:
And then, you don’t have to record it. It’s a very simple thing.
Casey:
That’s right. It’s on the phone. When you’re sitting there lonely at night, you know, and you’re like, you just want to pick up the phone and call somebody…
Jeff:
And you know, if you just want to call us, give us a call anyway. We don’t care.
Casey:
That’s right. That’s true.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Of course, what is it gonna say? It’ll be Sean Barrett’s number.
Jeff:
I think it just says leave your number.
Casey:
It says, “Hey, this is Sean Barrett.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Leave it… So don’t be surprised if it’s Sean or something…
Casey:
So leave it with Sean. Don’t be surprised. Maybe someday we’ll get our shit together and actually have one that’s…
Jeff:
Yeah. If we get lots of phone calls, then we’ll set up something more permanent. But let’s give this a try.
Casey:
Alright. So that aside, Jeffrey…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Here we go.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
The first one was submitted via email.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And this submission is…
Jeff:
Say who it’s from.
Casey:
Oh, yeah. That’s a good point. I should say who it’s from. Of course, but that requires me to actually know who it’s from, which I don’t know if I have the technology to do it.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
Okay. So the first viewer submission… Why do I keep saying viewer?
Jeff:
Listener.
Casey:
The first listener… In my mind, they can see us somehow.
Jeff:
Uh-huh. In their mind’s eye.
Casey:
The first listener submission comes from Scott Hughes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And Scott Hughes wants to know, “Good/No Good — Owning pets outside the set of generally accepted pet species.”
Jeff:
Okay, like exotic pets.
Casey:
Good/No Good? Well, that’s what I… See, now, I cannot elaborate. All I have is what the listener sent us. And he said, “Owning pets outside the set of generally accepted pet species.” Good/No Good?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s terrible. That’s not just No Good. Okay. Every crazy species that are taking over an area…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Happens with somebody that has an exotic pet. It doesn’t work out and they release their monkey or their alligator or whatever out into the countryside and then just shit goes down. It’s like, don’t buy that stupid shit especially because, like…
Casey:
What are you talking about? You’re making shit up.
Jeff:
No, no, no.
Casey:
Alright, somebody…
Jeff:
The bird smuggling…
Casey:
Has an exotic alligator… You’re saying they have a male and a female? How does it breed when it gets released into the wild?
Jeff:
No, let’s…
Casey:
Does it fuck a monkey or something? Like, what the hell… What are you talking about?
Jeff:
No. like, my friend, finds a way.
Casey:
This is not “Jurassic Park”.
Jeff:
It is “Jurassic Park”.
Casey:
It was not an alligator spliced from, like, amber if a Jurassic alligator and a frog so that it had the necessary DNA to do, like, trans-species mutation.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
That is not what this was.
Jeff:
No, that’s exactly what happens.
Casey:
He said “outside the set of generally-accepted species” not “sci-fi animals” from some fucking book.
Jeff:
No, they are sci-fi animals. That’s what happens. You just think you’re buying a little funny bird that is pretty to look at and then it gets really annoying because it shits on your cat. So you release it out your window. And then pretty soon, there’s 8,000 canaries in New Jersey.
Casey:
Because it butted or sub-divided?
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
What the fuck is this?
Jeff:
No, it starts fucking pigeons or something.
Casey:
So now, you’re thing is like it’s bad to own a pet outside the generally-accepted species because someone else might’ve owned the same pet…
Jeff:
Yes, exactly…
Casey:
Of the opposite gender and got rid of it at the same time? That’s the problem. That’s the primary problem.
Jeff:
Because if you’re dumb enough to own an exotic pet…
Casey:
And like, that’s the big thing to watch out for.
Jeff:
Someone else is, too.
Casey:
Hey, kids. Pro tip for owning pets. Make sure you register your pet with the exotic pet hotline to see if there’s anyone else in the area who might have the corresponding opposite-gendered pet…
Jeff:
Exactly…
Casey:
That could breed with yours to take over the neighborhood.
Jeff:
Every time you read about some crazy boa constrictor that eats a dog at the bottom of the swimming pool, it’s because some moron bought one, imported it, and then just went, “You know what, this is a big pain in the ass.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah. You pull out the Ed Woods section of your Drobo, it’s like a giant ant movie, right, and it’s like…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Oh, yeah, that’s just where you’re getting your science from.
Jeff:
Tarantulas… Yes.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like, “Oh, you know what’s another problem with exotic pets, it’s household chemicals. They eat that shit and they get huge. They get giant. They get, like, skyscraper-sized. And they march through the city, breathing fire on you.”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
“No Good.”
Jeff:
No Good.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The other thing that’s No Good is when they try to tell you how loving this pet is, right? “I got an iguana. No, you don’t understand. They’re very affectionate.” And you’re like…
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
They always say that, right?
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “No, it’s fucking not. It’s a lizard.” Its only affection is it comes near you because it’s cold-blooded and you’re warm.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It has no affection for you at all.
Casey:
That is so true.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
“Me and my iguana…”
Jeff:
Yes. So that’s a big No Good.
Casey:
Oh, that was awesome. Your startling inaccuracy followed up by your startling accuracy was…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
To say the least, startling.
Jeff:
It just shows you how accurate I am in general.
Casey:
Wow. Okay, Jeff.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Our next listener Good/No Good actually is a full-on audio clip.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Professionally recorder by our listener.
Jeff:
MP3-submitted…
Casey:
This one was perfect. It’s excellent, MP3-submitted. And he did everything perfectly so I will just play the clip.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And you can answer the Good/No Good.
Jeff:
Let’s hear it. Vincent: Jeff & Casey Show, this is Vincent from Palm Springs. A little Good/No Good for Jeff here — “How about movie titles that have purposely long names for comedic effect. For example ‘Aqua Team Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters’ and ‘Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit of Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan’.”
Jeff:
Yeah, okay, Vincent. Send us your last name next time unless you’re too embarrassed. But Vincent… One of the many Vincent’s in Palm Springs…
Casey:
The problem is that he’s not gonna be attributed properly because I’m imagining that maybe the number of Vincent’s in Palm Springs is low but the number of Vinnie’s in Palm Springs is almost certainly high…
Jeff:
Might be high…
Casey:
I would say…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Alright. Anyway…
Jeff:
We’ll say Vincent…
Casey:
So intentionally long movie names for comedic effect, Jeff. Good/No Good?
Jeff:
Okay. It’s never any good. But it’s not egregiously so. It’s just annoying, right, because a lot of times, the movie theater will say “Borat: Glorious”, right? And you’re just like, “Goddamn it.” And like, one of the first ones I remember doing that was the South Park one which was actually a funny meta joke about the process of getting their film title authorized because they were all… The previous ones were unacceptable. And so now, they made that joke and it was worse than what the original thing they were trying to get them to change was.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
Now, you have people who think like, “Here’s an opportunity to put some crazy, stupid…” Borat was a terrific movie but the title was just… It didn’t add anything to it. It was completely pointless. And “Aqua Team Hunger Force” was almost anti-funny. So that one… It was just like the little cherry on that little shit sundae, right? That was just a terrible… And I liked some of their shows but that was a terrible fucking movie. So that is No Good. Someday, maybe someone will come up with a good one. But that one just doesn’t do it for me at all.
Casey:
Well, I tend to agree with you on the fact that that title will never appear anywhere because it doesn’t fit on movie marquees. So it’s kind of like when people intentionally name their kid the exact same thing as the parent and then give them a different middle name…
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
And the middle name’s actually their name.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s no good.
Casey:
It’s like you’re intentionally naming this thing in a way that will never actually get used and then you know that something else will be used. But it’s a little bit worse here because it’s gonna be different everywhere. Like, you don’t…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It doesn’t come with the guide that says, “Pro tip: For the marquee, you should shorten this just to Borat.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, no. They’re gonna have “Borat: Kazakhstan”…
Jeff:
Glorious.
Casey:
“Borat: Glorious” or just, like, you know, some arbitrary excerpt from the entire title of the film.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s obviously No Good, I think.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s No Good. While we’re on this we’ll do kind of a related No Good.
Casey:
Oh, you have a related?
Jeff:
Yeah. And this is at the Lincoln Square Theaters that we often go to. They have this huge wall…
Casey:
Oh, this is way No Good.
Jeff:
Okay. This is way No Good.
Casey:
This is so No Good.
Jeff:
And on this wall, they have all the classic movies, posters for each movie.
Casey:
Right. Yes. Well, they don’t… Now, do they actually have the posters or is it, like, painted on to the wall?
Jeff:
It looks like it’s silkscreened but they kinda…
Casey:
I can’t remember but yeah.
Jeff:
They make them look like silkscreened in so they don’t have frames or anything. But they’re all these, you know, “The Godfather”…
Casey:
Yes. Right.
Jeff:
And “Casablanca” and every…
Casey:
“Citizen Cane”…
Jeff:
“Citizen Cane”…
Casey:
Like, classic movies off of, like, the AF--… What is it? The AFC’s…
Jeff:
AFI.
Casey:
Right, AFI or whatever……
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
100 movies that they’ve got there or whatever…
Jeff:
Right, all classic…
Casey:
Influential films, if you will.
Jeff:
Right, great fucking movies, every last one of them.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay. The one that’s on the bottom row, one in from the left…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“Rocky & Bullwinkle”…
Casey:
Yes, “Rocky & Bullwinkle: The Movie”.
Jeff:
Now, again, there’s not like there’s a few of these sprinkled in.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
These are, like, all the great American movies…
Casey:
Right. There’s no… Yes.
Jeff:
And then Rocky & fucking Bullwinkle…
Casey:
Right. “Air Bud” does not appear on this list.
Jeff:
No. Right.
Casey:
Right? “High School Musical” does not appear on this list.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But “Rocky & Bullwinkle”, the 3D animated movie…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Rocky & Bullwinkle”… Not the classic cartoon…
Jeff:
He’s on the list. Right.
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The 3D “Rocky & Bullwinkle”…
Jeff:
Seriously, Lincoln Square, what the fuck? Did you run out and you’re like, “Oh, we forgot to be divisible by 5. We have a gap here. What have we got?”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And this was in the… You know, some dude there was a fan…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos it’s just… I don’t get it. It’s a horrible movie.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And all of the others are so much better. And we started laughing at this. And then, everyone that was in line to buy tickets started to… Do you remember that? They were all like, “What is the fuck…”
Casey:
They’re like, “What the fuck is that?”
Jeff:
“What is this?”
Casey:
I know.
Jeff:
We almost caused a riot with a No Good.
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
Like, we caused No Good to spread like a virus in that theater lobby as everyone was going “’Rocky & Bullwinkle' actually is no fucking good.”
Casey:
And it’s kind of like a Ringo Starr, I guess, in that sense, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, you got a bunch of, like, the Beatles up there. And then, you’ve got this dude who’s, like, there, you know ‘cos… I don’t know. No one knows why. They just needed an extra poster for that thing…
Jeff:
He’s the David Grohl or whatever…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I don’t understand. So that’s another little theater segue No Good.
Casey:
Alright. Well, that was a good Good/No Good. And I guess…
Jeff:
Thank you, Vincent.
Casey:
Thank you, Vincent.
Jeff:
Yes. Okay.
Casey:
Those are your Good/No Good’s for the week.
Jeff:
Yep. And keep them coming.
Casey:
Keep them coming to the new phone number.
Jeff:
Use the phone number. And now, you don’t even have to record yourself. You just call in. You say, “Hey, my name is Joe. I want to know if this is No Good.” And we’ll answer it.
Casey:
Exactly. And you’ll get the same high quality answers…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
That you’ve been getting from my Good/No Good questions for 35 episodes now.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Yep, high quality.
Jeff:
Well, Casey, it’s good to have you back. This makes…
Casey:
Why, thank you.
Jeff:
Everything better. And we’re going to get…
Casey:
It’s much easier.
Jeff:
This one is gonna be a little late…
Casey:
As I just got back.
Jeff:
[inaudible 71:41] Tuesday but we’re gonna get back on to the Sunday/Monday morning schedule.
Casey:
Should be Sundays… Yeah.
Jeff:
And get on there…
Casey:
Sounds good.
Jeff:
So in the meantime, send us an email at…
Casey:
Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
And you said it perfectly.
Casey:
I am just on the ball tonight.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
What can I say?
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
It rolls off the tongue.
Jeff:
And give them the phone number one more time.
Casey:
That’s what she said. What? Oh, the phone number?
Jeff:
425…
Casey:
Oh, the phone number? I can’t because…
Jeff:
296…
Casey:
See, here’s the thing. I only have one email up at a time. And so, I have to keep switching back between the different things. So I don’t know what it is.
Jeff:
You can go to the forum, as well. It’s listed there. And we like to hear from you on the forum, too. There’s discussion about every episode, if you have not been to the forum.
Casey:
That is true. The phone number is 425-296-3012.
Jeff:
3012.
Casey:
Ask for Sean.
Jeff:
Ask for Sean.
Casey:
And leave a message.
Jeff:
Leave a message. And we’ll get to your Good/No Good’s…
Casey:
We absolutely will.
Jeff:
And yeah, send us an email. Come by the forums. And tell someone that you know that you love to watch…
Casey:
Why do you always sound desperate? Why do you just sound so desperate…
Jeff:
This is not desperate. This is like…
Casey:
You are the most desperate person.
Jeff:
I want people to share the love that we give our listeners, right? We love our listeners…
Casey:
No. You just want more listeners.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t really care…
Casey:
It’s shameless.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s really blatant, the pandering, right.
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m a bit rough.
Casey:
At this point, you’re basically, “Look, how much is it gonna cost to get you to listen to this show?”
Jeff:
Yeah, okay. Basically…
Casey:
That’s what you’re basically saying. You’re like, “How much… What do I have to do to get you into this show today,” right?
Jeff:
Right. Call the phone number and tell us what it will take to get your mother to watch this podcast.
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
Right, your brother…
Casey:
Well, possibly a lot less swearing…
Jeff:
Might do it?
Casey:
Would be good…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
To get your mother to watch the show. But yeah…
Jeff:
Yes. Alright. And have a happy Halloween, everybody. And we will see you next week. What happened there? You just stopped.
Casey:
Well, the podcast is done.
Jeff:
Well, yeah. But you always say, “See you, everybody.”
Casey:
Is it Halloween? When’s Halloween?
Jeff:
This is the worst outro, ever. I’m leaving this all in.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
This unprofessional podcasting…
Casey:
I just got back from Japan. I don’t know what time it is.
Jeff:
In 3 days. It’s Friday.
Casey:
In Japan, they have the weirdest Halloween shit. Like, I was at this… There was this place. It was kind of out in the countryside. And they happened to be having a Halloween night thing there…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it was, like, they understood the dressing up thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But they were all dressed as a witch.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
So there wasn’t… They didn’t know that you could dress as anything, apparently. Either that or it was just a witch costume themed thing, I guess.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I’m not sure. I didn’t ask. But it was like, witch and then there was pumpkin. There’s witches and pumpkins is what they got on Halloween in this town.
Jeff:
That’s the primary stuff. That’s the gist.
Casey:
You have the majority at that point. You have the majority
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah. So I guess… I don’t know when Halloween actually is.
Jeff:
Friday.
Casey:
This Friday?
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Alright. And you’re getting the candy, right?
Jeff:
We’ll start purchasing candy soon.
Casey:
The candy’s up to you?
Jeff:
We need 1,500 pieces at least, right?
Casey:
We need 1,500 pieces of candy at least. Now, basically, what it boils down to, I think…
Jeff:
We’ll put some pictures up on the site of our crazy Halloween street…
Casey:
Yes. I think you can expect around a thousand individual trick or treaters…
Jeff:
And then we hit them all sometimes.
Casey:
So what normally happens, I think, is you give out about 500 trick or treaters’ worth of multi-candies. And then you panic…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
[inaudible 75:04] less. So I think our count was, like, 1,200 or so…
Jeff:
Our last hour is stingy… Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, a blur of those where…
Jeff:
Well, usually it starts out we’re generous.
Casey:
Right. And then you panic.
Jeff:
Then we go, “Oh, fuck.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We slide down to a single candy…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then maybe even open the M&M packages. Everyone get an M&M.
Casey:
They get an M&M. Right.
Jeff:
And then what happens is it all just dries up.
Casey:
I have to run out.
Jeff:
And then, we give some lucky kid, like, “Dude…”
Casey:
Like, fucking dump truck…
Jeff:
And then just dump a big old pillow sheet full of candy on him.
Casey:
Yes. Alright…
Jeff:
You want to be that guy.
Casey:
Yeah. No you want to… Well, probably, if you want to be generous, you want to get 2,000 pieces of candy.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So that everyone can have 2.
Jeff:
Alright. That’s what we’ll do. Alright, well, thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And we will see you next week.
Casey:
Yep. Have a happy Halloween.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Take it easy.
Jeff:
Bye.
Bullwinkle:
Hey, Rocky. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 37
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