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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Child You Kept in the Closet
"Somewhere there is somebody named Lulu Lemon who takes her clothes off for fifty dollars."
Original air date: October 22nd, 2008
Topics. Japanese clubs. Relative hotness. Segway monkey. Wheelhouse. Skype. Bad slogans. Meat thermometer. AJAX. Prop 8. Web 2.0. EULAs. Ping pong. Fairy tales. Thugs. 80s non-hotness. Van Halen minute. Selling out.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show, coming to you live from Japan. Well, I mean…
Jeff:
Yes, another trans-global podcast.
Casey:
It’s not actually live, though. When I said live, what I meant is that it was live when it was recorded…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And now it’s not live anymore.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which I guess is what all things are, actually. So, yeah… Live is definitely not the term.
Jeff:
Yeah, that would take some crazy future-cast where you can listen to it after to make it less live. I don’t know.
Casey:
Well, you know, I was looking at this thing, ‘cos you know, I have to use Skype to call you, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you can hear what I’m saying and vice versa. And it said on there, on the website on something, when I was downloading it, that they used to have something called Skype-casts. And I was thinking, like, “Oh, so we actually could have had people listening to us recording the cast.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
But they’ve gotten rid of this feature apparently. It says that it’s gone now because it wasn’t up to their…
Jeff:
You made me excited and then you brought me back.
Casey:
Well, see, here’s the thing…
Jeff:
Built me up and tore me down.
Casey:
This is what it said, okay. This is what it said on there. And I’m not sure how to process this statement. What it said was it said that they liked the Skype-cast feature and lots of people were using it and they thought it was great. But it wasn’t up to their quality standards.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So they were pulling it and they were going to re-launch it later when they had it all worked out which made me wonder. If the current Skype is considered up to their standards, then what the hell was Skype-cast doing?
Jeff:
Exactly. Was Skype-cast infecting people with AIDS when you used it? Because that’s the only place you can go. Skype is the fucking worst.
Casey:
I know. That’s what I was wondering. Like, remember how many times it took us to try and actually get the connection working last time?
Jeff:
It’s ridiculous.
Casey:
And we ended up… Each one of those times, it left a virtual voicemail. So, like, I logged on the next day and there were, like, 7 messages from Michael Abrash ‘cos, you know, you were using his computer. And it’s like, what the fuck. And I’m listening to them and they’re all little snippets of you going, like, “Doodoodoo,” or click, click, click on the keyboard or, like, “Hello? Hello? Hello?”
Jeff:
It’s the worst. It is the worst. I don’t understand how they can have something worse than that. They could infect it with a virus that raped you…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And that’s about it. You’re getting close.
Casey:
They’re like, “We’re gonna pull it until we get rid of the rape part and it’s just a virus…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They were not… “We won’t release it.” So here’s the thing that…
Jeff:
We got the design doc and somehow, somebody made a joke. And so, yeah, it was a rape-cast…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anybody that dialed in was raped by you.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Which is not that different from our listeners because we basically rape their ears once a week with our terrible quality podcast.
Casey:
But it’s consensual. I mean, it has to…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You know… Well, I guess that’s the thing, though. Is it really consensual? I mean, this is the thing, right. They are clicking on the play button, right? Or they’re adding this to their iTunes podcast feed, right? But that doesn’t really constitute consent. That’s, like, sort of them just saying that we can come up for coffee or something, right? And then, we don’t even check, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Then it’s just an hour of complete onslaught with absolutely no regard, really, for their well-being. So, yeah, we should not say that we are at all polite guests because we’re not. Here’s the thing that I’m wondering about the Skype situation, as well, is how the hell… So, like, with Skype, I can call to the regular landline and that kind of shit, right?
Jeff:
Right. That’s what you’re doing right now. Yep.
Casey:
That’s what I’m doing right now. How did they do that shit? Because Skype doesn’t own anything. They don’t own any phone companies. Do they actually go sign deals with all these, like, AT&T or people who run… Like, Verizon or whatever? What’s going on there?
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s a 3rd party… There’s a big set-up for that where they have local… The local… They call them DSLAMS… Have connections to the outside world.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then you just lease minutes there. And then, other people can use the same lines. Like, when you call in, I get a different local phone number every time.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But it’s not… Skype doesn’t own those. It’s a whole bunch of people. But if you figure that maybe they have a thousand conversations going in every big city at once maybe, tops, (maybe more than that during the day) it probably doesn’t cost that much ‘cos our phone lines are 30 or 40 bucks a month. So that times a thousand, it’s just in the noise for them, I think.
Casey:
Well, I mean, you pay for it. So that’s… I mean, you’re paying for that, right? You have to pay to call out to a landline. You know that, right?
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
Yeah, it’s not free?
Jeff:
How much are you paying?
Casey:
Well, I pay $5 a month for unlimited calling.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Normally, it’s something like 0.1 cents a minute or something. I don’t fucking know. Or 1 cent a minute. I don’t remember. But the point…
Jeff:
Why does EBay own Skype? Like, in what universe…
Casey:
Well, no. But you jumped right over my main point here which is, like, so basically Skype which was bought for, like, I don’t even know how many millions of Dollars it was bought for, literally is not even a business. It’s just a fucking app that has a voice codec in it. And they pay somebody else to fucking transfer the packets. That’s what you’re telling me basically.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like, what the fuck?
Jeff:
And they don’t even have advertising. So it’s really… It’s a shitty app that sort of works that doesn’t provide any income, only expense.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. I have no idea… Like, you know, this is one of those things where I always wonder why we don’t just take 2 years off and just arbitrarily make some stupid shit to sell for 100 million Dollars.
Jeff:
I told you that same thing, right?
Casey:
Yeah. I have no idea why because if you decide to stop making games for a while and go make the rest of these ridiculously simple apps for all of a few months, you’d just be done. And there’s no hard design problems. You don’t have to deal with all this shit like art and all this stuff. It’s just like, “Oh, it’s a thing that does voice codec. Well-understood problem. Takes 10 seconds.” Doesn’t even fucking run half the time, right? It doesn’t have to be reliable. Installs 50 million services on your machine. Probably only works on Win 2K, right? It’s like, all of these things and suddenly, that’s 300 million Dollars. It’s like, great. Fabulous.
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The whole thing about that, though, is in the big internet days, Bink was like… We could’ve gone that way quite easy. And I think the thing is that it just feels like a shitty thing to do, right?
Casey:
It’s super sleazy. It definitely is sleazy, yeah.
Jeff:
It’s sleazy. Sleazy is the exact right word. It’s like, even if you did make a gazillion Dollars, it’s like, it’s money ill-earned I guess is the way you’d put it.
Casey:
But this is the thing, right. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to sell out Bink, right, ‘cos you actually cared about that product and you made it and it’s a good product and all that stuff, right? I’m not talking about that. I’m not talking about selling something we made in an unscrupulous way. I’m talking about making something unscrupulous from the start, right?
Jeff:
I see. You know going in.
Casey:
Exactly, right. If you really love your kids and you raise them and you had a great time together as a family, right, and it’s like, “Oh, I’m not gonna sell this one to the gypsies,” right? It’s like, obviously, you’re not. Like, that’s not gonna happen. But the one you keep in the basement, right, that’s in the little case and shit, that you only put the food and water down there, right, like the bastard kid… That’s the one I’m talking about. No one cares where he goes. You don’t care about him. You forgot he was down there, right?
Jeff:
And he tasted delicious.
Casey:
Right. I’m talking about him. I’m saying give him to the gypsies, right? So we have a child, intentionally, that we don’t want. We give them to the gypsies. That’s what I’m saying.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know. I guess the thing is you look at it and you say, “Life’s pretty short. And what if… You never know what happens. So you say, “I’m gonna take 2 years off from games and go do something sleazy to make a lot of money,” and it’s like…
Casey:
You’re afraid you’re just gonna end up sleazy?
Jeff:
Well, not only that. You might get hit by a bus in the middle of the sleaze and then it’s like, “Hey, remember Jeff? He’s the one that was doing porn on the internet.”
Casey:
Oh, right. Yep.
Jeff:
I don’t know. It’s just like… You never know. But I know exactly what you’re saying…
Casey:
I see what you’re saying.
Jeff:
Because the quality of software out there on the internet is ridiculously bad. It’s so bad that when something’s mediocre, I’m ecstatic.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I’m like, “This fucking rules,” because it doesn’t at least actively suck.
Casey:
Right. Yes. Exactly. Right. That was the Gmail thing.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
It’s like, “Hey, wait a second. This actually sort of sometimes works. I can check my mail.”
Jeff:
It’s like, it’s fine. It’s retarded in many ways but at least it’s okay.
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And that’s my bar. That’s why everything’s on Beta on the internet is Beta is like… Doesn’t suck all cock, just partial.
Casey:
Well, that’s the Ajax thing that is so cool. It’s like, you know, Ajax was that huge deal and everyone was way into it in the Web 2.0. So it’s like… And it was basically like, “Hey, guess what, guys. We managed to get the response time for our apps down from 10 seconds per click to 2 seconds per click.” It’s like, whoa… It’s like, settle down, people. Like, you know…
Jeff:
Hey, and you know, and they use the name Ajax. And that’s the shit I put in my toilet to get out the shit rings. It’s like, “Way to name your thing exactly what it’s like.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
It’s Shit Rings 2.0.
Casey:
Totally accurate. Exactly. It is so perfect. It’s awesome. Well, anyway, sorry. We totally… This was not something we’re supposed to talk about at all, this Skype thing.
Jeff:
That’s how this always rolls.
Casey:
I know. That’s how it always rolls. You know, it’s staring me in the face, right. I’m looking at it here and… Yeah, and on it goes.
Jeff:
Well, let me tell you something that I… Since you’re on that side of the world, I have a piece of news that’s Asian and it’s persuasion, I guess you’d say.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So you know, a lot of times, when the NBA players go play in the Olympics, there’s a clash of cultures because they’re pounding on their chest about how awesome they are and such.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And everyone’s like, “Oh, they’re thugs gone off to the Olympics.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I just wanted to point… I read something recently. I’m like, “You know what, that’s just… Like, athletics breeds that.”
Casey:
I mean, let’s verify, though, that you’re not trying to argue that they aren’t thugs, right? You’re just trying to say that there’s a lot of thugs in athletics.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, we’re all in agreement that they’re all a bunch of thugs, right?
Jeff:
Right. And I like them that way.
Casey:
Okay, good.
Jeff:
You know what? I don’t want nice guys. I want thugs.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, so, yeah. So here’s a story about a man whose name is Wang Hao and he’s no…
Casey:
Wow, that’s an interesting name.
Jeff:
Wang Hao.
Casey:
Because Wang Hao, I’m assuming, is the English reversed version of his name? Right?
Jeff:
Oh, you’re saying it’s Hao Wang.
Casey:
Or not… I should say is the non-reversed English one. In other words, Wang is his family name, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I’m assuming… So his English name would be Hao Wang. Oh, man. That’s great. That is so great. That’s like a saying, “How wang!”
Jeff:
“How wang is that?”
Casey:
“How wang is that? That is wang.”
Jeff:
“You’re so wang.”
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
So, he’s on China’s national table tennis team and he’s won the silver medal…
Casey:
Right. Now, does the US have a national table tennis team?
Jeff:
We do.
Casey:
Do we, is what I’m asking.
Jeff:
Yeah, sure.
Casey:
We do? So everyone has one of these?
Jeff:
Yep, in fact, I think usually it’s the European countries that are the toughest.
Casey:
The European countries?
Jeff:
Yeah. I have a whole bunch of videos from table tennis championships which are funny to watch on old VHS because it’s not… The refresh rate is not fast enough to track the ball lots of times. And they’re playing as fast as they do…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So you’re just kind of watching their arms move and assume a ball is there somewhere.
Casey:
Yeah, because it’s not a very… The distance between players is not very long. So when they hit the ball at maximum speed, it’s barely got any ground to cover. So I presume that the camera…
Jeff:
It’s not a spectator-friendly sport.
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
It’s too fast. The rallies are 2 or 3 hits.
Casey:
But neither is fucking golf. There’s a lot of non spectator-friendly sports to play. Like soccer… Holy shit balls. Talk about a spectator-unfriendly sport. Yet that’s one of the biggest spectator sports in the world I mean, it just goes to show you that, like, it does not matter whether the game was designed for spectators or not. People fucking watch it. And I have no idea why. Most of the time, I’m just like, “What the hell?”
Jeff:
Because they serve alcohol. That’s about it. I mean, soccer would disappear if it wasn’t for the alcohol in the stadium.
Casey:
Baseball, too, right?
Jeff:
Yep, probably.
Casey:
I don’t know about football. Football probably not. Football seems to be one of those sports that guys like to see other guys hit each other, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, football is also designed for television probably as much or more than any other sport. It just works well…
Casey:
More than basketball, you think?
Jeff:
Yeah, way more than basketball.
Casey:
Really? Alright.
Jeff:
Even the field, the way they film it, it’s widescreen. It just works.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. They set the aspect ratio.
Jeff:
Exactly to match.
Casey:
Sorry, I’m interrupting your news story. Go ahead. Hit me up with this.
Jeff:
Let me finish Wang Ho here. Okay. This is awesome.
Casey:
Hao Wang.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
That reminds me, by the way, speaking of ping pong…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I was actually at a nightclub here…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In Tokyo… This was before I left Tokyo. So when I was in Tokyo… Well, actually not. So the Swedes were here still…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The same guys, the “100% pure awesome” Swedes were here. And Atman and Yukari… And we went to… I think they’d gone to a nightclub the previous night or something. I don’t remember. And I didn’t want to go to that. And so, I walked with them there and they stayed afterwards and Yukari and I left and went home. So I don’t actually know what went on that night. But the night after that, we went to a different one. And this one, I actually went to because it was okay. It was pretty cool, actually. It was probably the coolest club that I’d ever seen. It was basically, like… And this requires some context because… At least I didn’t know this… For some reason, clubs in Tokyo are sort of… They feel a lot to me like what it must feel like to be like a honeybee, you know, where you have this comb and there’s all these crazy networks inside it and there’s all these bees buzzing around in there. And you’re just moving around, you have no idea where the fuck you are kind of a thing…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That is exactly what it’s like.
Jeff:
That’s horrible.
Casey:
You go into the front door and you usually go down some twisty stairs or down an elevator into God knows where. Like, I’ve totally lost track of where I am, spatially, at that point, right…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And then, it opens out into some room. And the room has a bar in it or something. But then, there’s various exits to the room. And you go out those exits and there’s more stairs that go up or down to rooms that are stacked above that room or off to the side of that room or another elevator. It’s really weird. Like seriously, it’s really strange.
Jeff:
I don’t want any of this.
Casey:
And you have no idea where you are. You have no idea where you are, spatially, within the building. You don’t even know…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like the building should be able to technically contain the number of places that you feel like you’ve been. It feels like an M.C. Escher club in that sense.
Jeff:
Like the Winchester Mystery Club?
Casey:
Yes, very much. Anyway, but this club was pretty cool. And what I was gonna say about it is they actually had ping pong at this club…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which I thought was pretty awesome. So you can go downstairs and instead of the standard thing that people do at clubs, which I actually don’t know because I don’t go to clubs. But you can go play ping pong. I was like, “What a fabulous little thing.”
Jeff:
See, that’s what you think because really, there’s lots of stuff there that you don’t understand. It’s like a pool hall. There’s ping pong hustlers. And they’re like, “Hey, you wanna play for a few Yen? C’mon.”
Casey:
Right. I see.
Jeff:
And then they lose a few…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And then they bring it.
Casey:
So you think it’s like “The Color of Money” or [inaudible 16:59]
Jeff:
Yeah. And then you’re in deep to the ping pong master. And then, you have to go out on the road with him… Yeah, it’s just not the way it should go. Stay away from that shit, man.
Casey:
I don’t know. I have to tell you that it is gonna be pretty interesting to see someone act tough about a ping pong game. Like, that is something that I don’t actually believe although I guess you’re about to tell me a news story about a thug…
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, yeah. I mean, this guy, he reportedly got into a fight with the security guard who was merely trying to stop him from urinating outside a karaoke club.
Casey:
Now, is that illegal in China?
Jeff:
Apparently so.
Casey:
Is public urination against the law?
Jeff:
I didn’t think they did karaoke in China. I didn’t think that was the big thing there. I thought that was just Korea and Japan but apparently not.
Casey:
Well, I definitely know it’s big in Korea and Japan but I guess… Yeah, I hadn’t thought about it in terms of China. Now, maybe it’s not big in China. Maybe there aren’t that many.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Maybe there’s, you know… But this is his favorite one or whatever…
Jeff:
And this is like a strip/karaoke ping pong club, right? It’s like, where the athletes go to pick up loose women. All the women hang out there in case they might be able to hook up with a ping pong player.
Casey:
Well, okay. I have a number of problems with this whole thing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t even know where to start.
Jeff:
Wait. Let me say one thing first…
Casey:
The first thing I want to ask you is how you’re getting the fact that this guy’s a thug from he was in a karaoke club.
Jeff:
Let me finish. Wait.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
When he almost came to blows with the security guard, he yelled, “I am the famous Wang Hao. I am the world champion. Does it matter if I beat you? No,” shouted the 24-year old according to witnesses. So that’s the thug, you know, he…
Casey:
That’s the thug? It just sound like…
Jeff:
Much like Paul Pierce who, before he played his first game for the Boston Celtics, was stabbed 7 times a few weeks before he began playing. In China, outside karaoke bars, you get into fights about urinating and there’s nothing the security guard could do. He’s like… They could cover this whole thing up, you know.
Casey:
I’m just imagining that this is, like, the same guy who, inside the karaoke, was singing, “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys or something. I mean, this does not scream thug to me, right. Like, I want to know what his Ohako is, you know. I want to know what’s his strongest song, what’s his favorite… Which one does he pick every night when he goes there, you know?
Jeff:
“It’s Raining Men”.
Casey:
“It’s Raining Men”… ‘Cos this guy doesn’t sound like a thug at all. It sounds like the exact same dorks who used to play, you know…
Jeff:
It’s the awesome…
Casey:
No, it’s not. No, it’s not.
Jeff:
Wait, his team is going, “There was no drunkenness or brawling. It was just an argument. Because Wang is a celebrity, the story has been amplified.” And then they interviewed him and he said, “It taught me I have to be very careful about anything I say or do,” Wang told state broadcaster. That’s exactly what the football players do after they get caught in a shootout with…
Casey:
Yeah, except they’ve got guns and shit, dude. Like, this dude had a ping pong paddle and a microphone. There’s a big difference, right?
Jeff:
No, dude. It’s all scale. Like, that is… You know, in China, the people are going, “These athletes today are just going bananas. They’re out of control.”
Casey:
They didn’t even mention in this thing whether or not he, A, continued to urinate. Like, did he…
Jeff:
You can’t stop. You can’t stop when you start.
Casey:
For all we know, the security guard actually succeeded in stopping him from urinating and beat him up. We don’t know who won this fist fight. It doesn’t say.
Jeff:
He kept one hand on his little wang and the other hand on his paddle, slapping the security guard. “Get off me. I’m Wang Hao.”
Casey:
Oh, this is terrible. That’s a terrible news story. Why did you bring that up?
Jeff:
It’s awesome.
Casey:
That’s not thug-like at all. That’s not thug-like at all.
Jeff:
Hey, how about that link Ryan sent us today at that chimp that learned to drive a Segway. Was that the best?
Casey:
See, I thought that was an instant Jeff classic because…
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
It has everything. It’s got animals doing things that only humans should be doing…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I know that’s a big favorite with you. It has injury, right, like running into shit, like spontaneously…
Jeff:
He drove into a forest a couple times.
Casey:
He drives a Segway into a forest. It’s got the chimp doing silly things like mugging with the human or whatever, you know what I mean? Like, doing those kinds of crazy… Now, here’s the thing that was interesting to me. You sent an email that said that you don’t like it when the monkey is wearing human clothes.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Why is that? I would’ve thought that would be an instant plus for you.
Jeff:
No, no, no. Because dressing a monkey is total No Good.
Casey:
Now, why is that? Explain that. ‘Cos that doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
I don’t know why it is. It just really bothers me. I don’t know. I imagine that the monkey is just sitting there, shitting in those clothes all day long. I imagine it’s a laundry disaster. I don’t think…
Casey:
But you don’t have to worry about any of that.
Jeff:
I don’t like any of it. He should just be able…
Casey:
Why are you thinking of all these eventualities, if you will, about the monkey wearing the clothes when all the other things that you love about animal videos, you don’t think about any eventualities. Like, you don’t think about when the monkey is hit in the nuts…
Jeff:
The clothes bug me. I don’t know why.
Casey:
I mean, you don’t think about, “Oh, my God. That’s gonna be so painful and he’s gonna have sore testicles tomorrow,” or whatever. You don’t think any of those thoughts. And yet, all of a sudden, the clothes, it’s like, “Oh, my gosh. Where are we gonna do the laundry?”
Jeff:
I didn’t like that at all.
Casey:
“How did they find things… It must be hard to shop for a chimp. It’s a really small size. What do they do? Go to Baby Gap or something? And if they do, can he try it on? And what happens in the dressing room? Is he going into the men’s dressing room or the women’s dressing room? It’s just a chimp.” It’s like, how are you getting all these thoughts in there? Why are all these thoughts coming up for this.
Jeff:
No. It’s way worse, for some reason. I don’t know why. It’s also the worst when the person dresses up in the same outfit. It’s kind of like when moms dress their twins the same and you’re just like, “Goddamn cock heads.” And then now, they’re dressing the monkey and the old Japanese man in this video the same. I did like when the monkey drove away on the Segway once he figured it out. And then he just took off and all the people had to chase him down.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because, like, if there were hundreds of monkeys riding Segways throughout Tokyo, that would be, like, the best disaster ever, right?
Casey:
Now, you noticed, I assumed, that I posted a picture of a monkey doing a… Like, I don’t know what you want to call it. Like, a show… Like a side show, kind of at a mall.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I saw that. It was, like, a Casey animal link.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. You saw it here first. I captured the animal video. Of course, I couldn’t capture the animal video because the power of the iPhone allows you to only take low resolution, poor quality still images. But…
Jeff:
You know, I have to say something. All of Alicia’s pictures she’s mailed me look fantastic. And yours look all shaky and blurry.
Casey:
What the fuck? What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
Jeff:
You must be drinking caffeinated something because you’re shaky as shit.
Casey:
No, I’m not shaky as shit.
Jeff:
You’re shaky as shit.
Casey:
I’m not doing it wrong, okay. This is your answer the last time I was complaining about the fact that iTunes is a piece of shit. You’re like, “Oh, you’re just doing it wrong.” I’m not doing it wrong. I’m not doing it wrong. It’s called a busted piece of software and hardware.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
The camera on the iPhone is a piece of junk. It is not because I am shaky hand.
Jeff:
I think you’re shaky caffeine head.
Casey:
I am not shaky caffeine head.
Jeff:
Hey, let me read you something I read just yesterday. Let me read this.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This is in a big bag full of goodies for Dot.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s a bag from something called Lululemon Athletica, okay. So it’s a sporting supply store, okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And this bag is kind of like a shopping bag that they get you to fill up while you’re shopping with all of the stuff that you’re gonna buy at the sporting goods store.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then around it, they’ve written all these sayings on it that are kind of like, you know, “Friends are more important than money.” “Breathe deeply.” “Love.” “Life is full of setbacks.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“Success is determined by how you handle them.” Like, it’s all these positive stuff written all over it, okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Kind of this foo-foo nerdy, like, “Oh, hey, maybe if we make them happy, they’ll spend more money at our store.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
However, in the corner, one of the sayings is… And this is… There’s no other sayings like this one so this is one out of… I don’t know… 50 sayings on here.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It says, “Children are the orgasm of life.” And I’m like, “They are?” Okay.
Casey:
Whoa. What?
Jeff:
And then, let me finish. It goes on to say, “Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let you know how great children are until you have them.” What the fuck? Seriously.
Casey:
Okay. I am really at a loss to elaborate on that in any particular way. That was not at all… You know what that is, actually? That probably could go in our mixed up metaphor department, right? Because an orgasm is something that does not last, for example, 18 years, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It does not at all last that long. In fact…
Jeff:
Mine don’t last nearly that long.
Casey:
Yeah, I was gonna say if it lasted that long, there would be a lot more people at home…
Jeff:
I think I must be doing it wrong.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. You’re obviously doing it wrong. It sounds like something off the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine — “How to Give Him an 18-Year Orgasm”.
Jeff:
Totally. “Sting explains he’s had an 18-year orgasm since ‘Every Breath You Take’”.
Casey:
Sting has been about to orgasm for 18 years.
Jeff:
So all I could think of is… You know how you get a deal when you hire ex-cons from the government?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I think they must’ve had, like, sexual predator gets out after serving his time…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And the only metaphors he can come up with are, like, awful, sexual, children-related metaphors.
Casey:
Yes, child-related.
Jeff:
This was the only one… They felt bad that they kept having to deny, like… I don’t know, “Life is like a 13-year old that doesn’t arrive when she says she will,” right?
Casey:
Yeah, they had to reject [inaudible 27:54] They’re like…
Jeff:
“Uh… No, can you redo another one?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And this is the one they just finally said, “We’ll go with… I mean, we gotta let him have something on the bag.”
Casey:
Absolutely. Absolutely. I could not agree more. It’s probably like actually… Yeah, they contracted out the bag to some prison work project, you know what I mean? It’s like the “Shawshank Redemption”, like, there’s some warden there that’s got all these sex offenders working and coming up with slogans and shit like this for stuff…
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
You know, so there’s probably hundreds of products, you know. It’s like a new Coke thing or, you know… It’s a new Tabasco sauce and it’s like, “It’s 14-year old hot.” And you’re just like…
Jeff:
Exactly…
Casey:
“Uh… Okay, can we try some other angles with this?”
Jeff:
“Love is like a really tight young pussy.” Oh, yeah… That’s not gonna work. And then it’s awkward for them to tell him because he’s kind of a scary guy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So nobody really wants to say anything to him.
Casey:
Yeah, and he used to be a senator so they know he’s connected or at least used to be, right?
Jeff:
Oh, man. “Success is your first appointment to Boy Scout Leader.” “It’s not. It’s really not. I’m sorry. That’s really not appropriate for our bag.”
Casey:
It’s like a new line of successories, right. They have a little poster and it’s got the little Boy Scout tie. It shows, you know, on the thing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It says that on it. They’ve got a whole series of them.
Jeff:
It has like… But theirs are, like, Boy Scouts tied up. And then it says, “Preparation,” you know…
Casey:
Oh, no. They had their own set of knots that they learned to tie. It’s like, “These are really hard for someone to get out of.”
Jeff:
They have to have jobs, c’mon.
Casey:
Yeah. No, absolutely.
Jeff:
I mean, how else are they gonna buy bubblegum in the van, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They need it.
Casey:
Maybe they had… “Pedophilia — It wasn’t illegal in ancient Greece” or just, you know, they have some statue [inaudible 29:55]
Jeff:
No, no. It just has a picture of a little girl smiling. It’s says, “Pedophilia,” and then in the lower thing, “It’s not that bad”.
Casey:
It’s a NAMBLA, right? I’m sure NAMBLA does have such posters, right? It’s just no one will put them up. But apparently, people will put them on a bag. So that’s fine. I guess they just haven’t been finding the right things. Maybe like… Whose bag was this again?
Jeff:
This was Lululemon Athletica.
Casey:
What the fuck kind of name is Lululemon?
Jeff:
At least it’s not some…
Casey:
It sounds like a stripper name. Lululemon is a stripper name. That is a stripper name. I guarantee you that somewhere there is somebody named Lululemon who takes her clothes off for 50 bucks, no question. I mean, c’mon. Lululemon? Are you freaking kidding me?
Jeff:
So Lululemon gives you a lap dance. And then, you have children all over the inside of your clothes.
Casey:
I have no idea. I have no idea. There’s so many things wrong with that bag.
Jeff:
So you’re missing all of the politics. You’re missing the whole season, this compressed season of this electric…
Casey:
You’re talking about the presidential campaigns?
Jeff:
Oh, just everything, you know, that’s going on…
Casey:
Well, I’m not really missing it because… I mean, for the most part, I only get my news from the interwebs, anyway. So it’s not like I can’t see them here, as well. I mean, at some level, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of politics. I mean, you know, the front page everyday is usually, like, “Economy uses 100 billion points,” or whatever. And then there’s some side note that’s, like, you know, “McCain Gives Birth to Alien Baby” and that made page 3 or whatever.
Jeff:
Well, there’s the Prop 8 thing in California. Like, that’s worth fighting for.
Casey:
What is happening with that? Is that looking promising or what?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I don’t know. The polling says it’s pretty even. It’s just…
Casey:
Oh, really? So go either way?
Jeff:
It’s so absurd that it’s… It’s one of those things where you just really question the people around you because it’s not something that’s a debatable thing, right? It’s not like…
Casey:
Yeah. No, it’s not at all.
Jeff:
A conservative and liberal viewpoint in how government works and its involvement in people’s lives.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This is not that.
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
This is, like, just literally a civil rights violation that happens every fucking day…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And people…
Casey:
But that has no actual consequences for anyone, either.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s like… It’s as if they were gonna fight the civil war over whether they should free the slaves but all the slaves were just being held captive in Africa somewhere and not doing anything. It’s like, it makes absolutely no difference to anyone and they’re like, “Well, I don’t know. This is too…” It’s like, “We can’t. The South leg said no. I’m sorry. We can’t free them. It’s not gonna happen.”
Jeff:
The whole protecting the sanctity of marriage… It’s like, how the fuck is marriage in need… Like, the concept of protection when people get divorced, like, 60% of the time. Marriage is fucked up already, right? The only thing the gays are going to do is class it up, right?
Casey:
That’s probably true. And you know, they’ll have 2 well-dressed people at the wedding instead of one.
Jeff:
Yeah. Like, the bridesmaids will have dresses that look nice.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right? It just makes me crazy. Or you get the guys that are all freaked out where they’re like, “Oh, why do they have to be so overt about it, you know?” Are you fucking kidding me? I saw guys proposing on Jumbotrons, right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Straight guys are the most overt, classless motherfuckers in the universe. You know, they put their rings in food, right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
So that… “Oh, I’m gonna surprise her. Oh, no. She swallowed the ring. Oh, no. Oh, at least I wasn’t overt about it.”
Casey:
Or that dude who put it inside the helium balloon and then accidentally let go. Remember that?
Jeff:
Yes. What the fuck? This is not overtness.
Casey:
No, it’s not.
Jeff:
Like, gays will class up every single thing about marriage. It will be a stronger institution. Oh, my God.
Casey:
Well, I guess first you would have to define what you meant by sanctity because the whole point of using a phrase like “sanctity of marriage” is strictly because it’s not definable because anything that you actually define marriage to be other than just defining it as, you know, males and females getting wed is refutable as to why it would not be a problem if gays could do it, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you have to pick some word like sanctity that most of the people who are in favor of preserving the sanctity of marriage don’t actually know what the word means for starters, right? It’s just some pretty book talk that they heard on the TV, right?
Jeff:
Sanctorium or something…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. You know, whatever it is… “We’ve got to preserve the sanitarium of marriage…”
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
“Me and buck-toothed Becky and our 3 half-brothers/cousins/uncles are gonna like…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“The sanctity of our marriage, whichever one of them is actually valid…”
Jeff:
“Yeah. We don’t want them mother fuckers getting overt on us with my daughter/mother here.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, “God damn it. It just… It’s what the…”
Casey:
“Them gays is all overt.”
Jeff:
So you want no [inaudible 35:08]
Casey:
Because I believe that the Supreme Court of California already said that it can be legal.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, they already said that the constitution doesn’t allow for that distention, right, was my understanding. So they need to change the state constitution in order to actually ban it or it’s going to be legal permanently, I think, is kind of the idea. Now, I may be mis-stating that. But that was my understanding from my first cursory reading of it before.
Jeff:
I believe that’s the case.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Everybody actually should go to the “No on Prop 8” thing, by the way, and give a little money to them because they need it.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Jeff:
But I think it is “No on Prop 8”. And the other thing that’s just insane about that is that anybody that actually votes for that, “I want that proposition in place…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You just know in 20 years, they’re gonna regret it. Society’s gonna move on. And they’re gonna be like the people that didn’t want interracial marriage 40 years ago, right? That they actually feel bad about that shit.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Just look forward…
Casey:
No, they’re not. No, they’re not at all. This is the thing. They’re not gonna feel bad at all. They’re not even gonna think about it because that’s the way these people are, right?
Jeff:
No, that’s not true.
Casey:
No, they’re not gonna think about it at all. They’re gonna be, like… The thing that they’re gonna regret is, like, “I wish I’d made the football team in high school.” That’s what they’re gonna be thinking about. People who can honestly show up and vote yes on something like this are people who don’t think about stuff very much except for their own little selfish little stupid shit.
Jeff:
I don’t know ‘cos you see these interviews with, “Here’s the dude that was throwing eggs at the Black woman who was being integrated in the 1960’s.” They interview him now and he’s like, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was a complete idiot.” And they feel bad because…
Casey:
Only because someone interviewed them. Otherwise, they probably would never even think about it.
Jeff:
No, I don’t think that’s it, Casey. I think there are things that are so self-evident that once they become normal, you realize how stupid you were. There are things that are just so wrong the way they are that you fight. And once it changed, everybody realizes that was wrong. It just takes it happening once. ‘Cos there are things that are just people being stubborn.
Casey:
I don’t know about that.
Jeff:
There are things that are so black and white that once it’s the norm and not unusual, everybody feels bad because there’s just no place to hide in that argument. None. So… I don’t know. Anyway, that wasn’t funny, at all.
Casey:
Was it supposed to be?
Jeff:
You know, the thing is… Let’s bring it back to the fun gay weddings because that’s gonna be goddamn awesome. So…
Casey:
That’s the question, though, you know… This is sort of what we were talking about earlier. Are we just providing an hour’s worth of purely information-free assault on your ears or does the Jeff & Casey Show occasionally have actual political content on it or something relevant to people's lives? And by and large, certainly, as far as sort of a sampling-based profile, obviously the answer is no. It does not have that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But once in a while, it does sneak in there. There’s a little bit on there.
Jeff:
Well, as David Lee Roth says, “Eat ‘em and smile,” listeners.
Casey:
Wait a minute. Do you actually have a Van Halen Minute? ‘Cos I was hoping that the Van Halen Minute was gonna be like a recurring segment. And I think so far, we’ve only gotten 2 Van Halen Minutes. And I want more. More.
Jeff:
Alright. I have the book just sitting here by my desk with a whole bunch of pages dog-eared. It’s not like… I don’t want people to think that this book is hard to dig through.
Casey:
Right. Okay.
Jeff:
I could almost flip a page open.
Casey:
So you’re not meticulously searching for the 4 or 5 great quotes from this Van Halen book? You’re just kind of, like, every page is a winner?
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Okay. Well, hit me up with some. Hit me up with a random selection, then.
Jeff:
So this particular Van Halen Minute is from Chapter 20 which is “All the Right Reasons”.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And it’s about Eddie having a hard time. He’s fallen on hard times recently.
Casey:
Eddie Van Halen? The guitarist?
Jeff:
Yes, right. Exactly.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And he was doing some music videos for a Goth porn director named Michael [ Nim ].
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And this is where our quote comes from.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“He was ruthlessly looking for an outlet but was fenced in by unrealistic expectations that ruled his action. The optimistic story that began on a boat from Holland had all been turned into ‘Citizen Kane’ with Eddie losing his mind like Orson Welles at his Xanadu estate.”
Casey:
No, not like that. Not at all like that.
Jeff:
Stop it or I’m gonna lose it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. “Instead of a glass snow globe labeled ‘Rosebud’, Eddie dropped his red guitar and his malfunctioning path was just as enigmatic as Charles Foster Kane’s in the movie. He had turned a few guilders and a piano into limitless riches and adulation and had built his American dream at 5150. Yet, King Edward had become a prisoner in his castle, a cautionary tale instead of a shining inspiration.”
Casey:
Oh, my Lord.
Jeff:
That is the…
Casey:
That is the Mixed-Up Metaphor Minute…
Jeff:
Almost the end of the book…
Casey:
Oh, my Lord, dude.
Jeff:
Yeah. You know, the symbolism that he evokes by referencing another bit of symbolism in another media is impressive. It’s like meta-symbolism. He couldn’t come up with this own so he references someone else’s. It’s pretty amazing.
Casey:
I also like how he alternates between talking about the character in “Citizen Kane” and the actor who played Citizen Kane interchangeably.
Jeff:
Right, that’s worse as well.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s just like, “Oh, whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
Jeff:
He never really watched that movie.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
He just… He saw the Orson Welles salad dressing commercial and he extrapolated, right?
Casey:
He’s like, “I’ve heard ‘Citizen Kane’ is a good film so I read the Wikipedia entry which, incidentally, is where I got all the rest of my Van Halen information,” apparently.
Jeff:
Right. And again, remember, that’s the “Van Halen Saga” by Ian Christie.
Casey:
Yes. A high-quality piece of literature about a fine band, if ever there was one.
Jeff:
One of 2007’s most intriguing books.
Casey:
That is pretty awesome.
Jeff:
So, Casey.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
“Sleeping Beauty”.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Famous Disney movie…
Casey:
Famous Disney movie, absolutely.
Jeff:
It’s out on Blu-ray.
Casey:
No, “Sleeping Beauty”, just so everyone’s clear on this because I was not clear on this. “Sleeping Beauty” is not the one with the dwarves in it. That is a different movie.
Jeff:
Snow White is the dwarves.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Yes. Sleeping Beauty…
Casey:
Now, see, in my mind, there’s just the “Snow White” film. Like, I never saw “Sleeping Beauty”, right. So in my mind, if you say something like “Sleeping Beauty” to me, I immediately think “Snow White and the 7 Dwarves”. And I’m like, “Oh, yeah, with Sneezy and Dopey and such,” right? Not the same film. Not the same film.
Jeff:
Well, back in those days, Disney was doing the same thing they do now with their step it up. They were just like, “Yeah, let’s have another movie where the girl falls asleep, a prince saves her, and we’ll make a hundred million in 1920’s Dollars alright, alright…
Casey:
Yeah, they’re like, “Is there some way that we can take another fairy tale and make the ending so it’s not really gross and disgusting and everyone lives happily ever after and then we’ll do that?”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Cos most of those, I think, were really violent and gory in their original Brothers Grimm versions, you know. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, it’s Cinderella. And the end of Cinderella, she mutates into a Tyrannosaurus Rex and eats everyone.” And they’re like, “Hmmm… Let’s change that one.”
Jeff:
Well, they’re also more primal. I think for stories to last as long as they did, they had to be kind of rough, right?
Casey:
Yeah. They were brutal, yeah. Absolutely brutal.
Jeff:
This one is not like that but you get…
Casey:
Right, so this is…
Jeff:
Just as bad…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
In a new way… They modernized… You put in your Blu-ray disc and it has a EULA, you know…
Casey:
That is so awesome.
Jeff:
Everything does now. It’s 120 pages long, Casey.
Casey:
What the fuck?
Jeff:
If you actually scroll through and read this EULA, 120 pages, instead of just…
Casey:
Now, what the hell could they possibly have in there?
Jeff:
I have no idea. Maybe the guy from the Lululemon sneaked in something. You don’t know ‘cos who’s gonna read 120 pages.
Casey:
And what even’s gonna happen with stuff like that? I mean, you know, no one’s probably ever gonna violate that EULA. But if they do, I mean, it doesn’t seem likely to me that a court is gonna find that valid.
Jeff:
Yeah. You know, everyone always has rumors of, like, “Oh, it’s non-enforceable if it’s not readable or something.” I don’t know how true it is.
Casey:
Well, my understanding is it’s basically like the idea is they don’t care if it’s enforceable, right, because let’s say that it isn’t enforceable. Well, then they’re in the same position they would’ve been if they didn’t put it there, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And if it is enforceable, then, great. They have a bunch of stuff to enforce. So it’s only gonna get worse until some court definitively says you can’t put any of this shit in there because as long as there’s even some possibility that some of it could be enforceable, there’s no incentive for them not to. They’re just gonna stack up more and more pages about how they, you know, you have to bake them cookies in the morning if you want to watch the DVD, right? And they’ll be like, “Well, who cares? If that clause isn’t enforceable, then we’ll enforce some of the other ones,” or whatever, right? You know, “The court can throw out as much of it as they want. At least we got something in there,” right? And, yeah, it’s no good.
Jeff:
It’s just fucked up.
Casey:
Now, what they should do, on the other hand, is a lot of contracts have a thing in it which says… And you’re familiar with this. You have a lot of contracts. A lot of contracts have something that says that if some part of this contract is found to be un-enforceable, then the rest of the parts are still enforceable.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
What they should’ve done is they should pass a law that says that you can’t do that.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. So if you screwed… Yeah, that’s not a bad idea.
Casey:
Because then, you have a lot of incentive to make sure that you only put the absolute bare minimum set of stuff, right?
Jeff:
Right. Well, you know, I’m looking… As you were explaining legal contracts, I looked over the bag. “Communication is complicated. We were all raised in different families with slightly different definitions of every word. An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur.” See, it’s all on the Lululemon bag. It’s all there.
Casey:
Is that translated from some other language? That sounds like a non-native English speaker. Is it possible that this is Japanese or something?
Jeff:
Maybe they [inaudible 45:43] it out not just to prisons but to India. Who knows?
Casey:
But no, I’m serious. Because that doesn’t sound at all like something a native English speaker would write, right? I mean… Am I the only one who thinks that?
Jeff:
Well, communication is complicated. I’m just saying.
Casey:
Well, communication is complicated when you’re not speaking English on an English language bag. Yes, it’s very complicated, in fact.
Jeff:
Complicated is underlined and is in a slightly different font, as well.
Casey:
Wow. Okay.
Jeff:
As is “orgasm”, by the way. It made sure your eye drifted towards orgasm.
Casey:
Well, my eye already does drift toward orgasm, I mean, just in general. But that’s, you know… That’s not because of the font.
Jeff:
And it burns.
Casey:
It shouldn’t. You should see a doctor. You should definitely see a doctor.
Jeff:
Hey, let me bring up one last thing and then we’ll wrap up for the evening…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Since it’s like, 6 in the morning and I hadn’t gotten home yet. I was watching just the TV, that Saturday TV where just nothing’s on and you’re flipping through. And we talked about “The Dukes of Hazzard”. “The Dukes of Hazzard” was on.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you remember Daisy Duke who was the sex symbol of that show?
Casey:
Yeah. I mean… But you have to remember that I… I mean, I don’t even know. I must’ve been 6 or 7 at the time, I think. So it was not really… I didn’t understand the fact that she was a sex symbol, right. I mean, looking back, I could say… Like, if I watched an episode now or something but… And you know, I understand the pop culture. But I mean, I just haven’t seen the show. In fact…
Jeff:
Well, here’s the thing, Casey. It wasn’t your age.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No. You look at her. She had to be in her mid-50’s when she was on that show.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay, no. she was not.
Jeff:
Yes, she was.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No, she was.
Casey:
No, she was not.
Jeff:
She could’ve easily been the grandma of Bo and Luke Duke.
Casey:
No, dude…
Jeff:
And the aberrant hot pants and… Here’s how you tell if an actress is old — If she’s wearing pantyhose with short shorts, old. Right? She was one of the first actresses probably that got Brazilian because if her pubes poked out of that short shorts they’d be gray, right? And nobody wants to see that shit. Okay. But that’s not my point, okay.
Casey:
That’s not your point?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
That sounds like kind of a point to me.
Jeff:
No, no, no. Let me finish.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So we have her.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And I was sitting there thinking about this. Another show in the early 80’s was this show called “Mel’s Diner”.
Casey:
I’ve never seen that.
Jeff:
What’s that?
Casey:
I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.
Jeff:
Well, do you remember “Kiss my grits”?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
That kind of was a phrase for a while from the show.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Anyway, it was a sitcom. And there was this woman who was supposed to be the hot one, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Also, I would say she’s probably in her 60’s with hair dyed red.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. Okay, so again, not hot at all. Not hot.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
And then, I was sitting here, thinking about it. And “Golden Girls” had… One of the “Golden Girls” is a sexual freak…
Casey:
Whoa, whoa… Okay, back it up, dude.
Jeff:
Wait…
Casey:
Nobody on the “Golden Girls” was supposed to be hot.
Jeff:
No. There was one of the “Golden Girls. There were 4 girls.
Casey:
Yeah, one of the “Golden Girls” was supposed to be able to get with a lot of other 60-year old men and shit. But she wasn’t supposed to be hot…
Jeff:
No, no, no. She was always hooking up with dudes. You had…
Casey:
Yeah, but you know, she was just the hot 60-year old with the other hot 60-year old guys, right, or something? You’re not supposed to be hot to a 20-year old.
Jeff:
I think they were going for hot. And let me finish with one more. So, did you ever see “Designing Women”?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay, “Designing Women”, one of the women there, again, supposed to be hot. Not fucking hot and old, okay. So my question for you is…
Casey:
So you’re saying there’s a major casting couch failure.
Jeff:
What the fuck was going on at the studios in those days? Was this… Like, all the people, this was before the new wave of people came in and they were just like, really… Like, 70-year old men still running the studios going…
Casey:
I know…
Jeff:
“Ooh, she looks like a pistol. Oh.” I don’t understand Casey. I mean…
Casey:
Well, here’s what… Let me tell you something right now. ‘Cos I’ve never heard this phenomena discussed. I’m assuming that it has a word, probably a German word for it. But I think that it may be important here.
Jeff:
Olden Fucken?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So, you’ve heard the term beer goggles, right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
And beer goggles, of course, is when people get drunk. Their sort of standard for what they think looks good to them is gonna go down, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So what… You know, there’s some kind of a…
Jeff:
Proven scientifically.
Casey:
Yes. In fact, it was proven “scientifically”.
Jeff:
By 84 people.
Casey:
By 84 people in that study. That was a great study. And it was something like 84 people thought that 60% of the 20% of the people… It was some really, like, reaching down in there. But anyway…
Jeff:
It’s just a terrible… Yeah. And all the guys, you can hear him saying, “Kaching! Tenure.” As it’s published…
Casey:
Exactly. And he’s like, “Now, I’m going to the bar.” The idea is just the concept of beer goggles. The idea is just the concept of beer goggles. There’s another concept that I believe exists, right, which is similar to that. Most are similar to that whole thing about, you know, the “Jurassic Park”, like, frogs switch species if there aren’t enough males or females kind of a thing… It seems to me that, in general, people’s opinion of who’s hot is sort of like the way that a camera determines the right exposure level for an image. It’s like, in the current environment, like, the hottest person there is considered hot. Now, if that falls below some level of hotness that would normally be a minimum, the fact that there’s no calibration in the room to help you remember the fact…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
So if we sent Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie back in time, it would be like they just stepped out of a dark movie theater into the light. They’d be blinded by the hotness.
Casey:
Right. I’m thinking that, like, suddenly people would refuse to watch “Mel’s Diner”, right? I mean, I don’t know. I mean, I [ haven’t seen the show ], right…
Jeff:
And rightly fucking so. She’s 50 fucking years old.
Casey:
Right, they just go like, “Fuck this.” Now, who is Megan Fox?
Jeff:
She’s the new hottie-tottie, McTottie hottie, super hot.
Casey:
Is she on a show?
Jeff:
She was in “Transformers”.
Casey:
Okay. I didn’t see “Transformers”.
Jeff:
She’s in a lot of movies coming up soon.
Casey:
Alright. I’m sure I’ll see who we’re talking about. Obviously, I know who Angelina Jolie is. If I didn’t know who Angelina Jolie is, I wouldn’t understand most of the things that you say.
Jeff:
She actually looks a little bit like Angelina Jolie.
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
It’s just she’s 18 so she’s, like, resetting the next 10 years as Angelina moves in the… Into the next stage.
Casey:
I see. Into her Madonna stage, if you will.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay, so basically, Megan Fox is…
Jeff:
Holy shit. Madonna is scary, by the way. She’s in the news all the time right now because she’s breaking up with Guy Richie.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Holy shit, does she look scary.
Casey:
But she’s always kind of looked scary even when she was hot. She was scary, like, hot.
Jeff:
Holy cow. Man.
Casey:
You know what I mean?
Jeff:
B. Arthur. Whoo!
Casey:
She looks dangerous.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
She looks like someone who would hurt you.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And not in a good way necessarily.
Jeff:
No. No. No.
Casey:
I haven’t seen her lately, though. I have not seen her lately.
Jeff:
Well, yeah. I just don’t understand this 80’s action. So… I mean, even if you see the sex comedies of the time…
Casey:
Like “Three’s Company” or something?
Jeff:
Or, no. I mean… I’m thinking movies like “Porkies” and stuff that were…
Casey:
Oh, okay…
Jeff:
That were like… You know, the “American Pie” of its time…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Like, “American Pie” has hot girls in it. “Porkies”…
Casey:
Does it? I guess I haven’t seen it.
Jeff:
Yeah, it does. And then, “Porkies”, even if you factor out the standards of grooming differences in the time periods, okay…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “I’m willing to overlook the fact that it looks like there’s a bunch of Tina Turners in this shower scene,” even if you adjust for that, you’re like, you would have to put a bag over every one of these women. And they’re drooling for ‘em. I don’t understand.
Casey:
Well, maybe there was the…
Jeff:
I mean, even if you’re picking… With that kind of movie, you’re definitely not picking for acting chops, right? It’s like, “Hmmm… Julliard? Maybe we can do better.” No. you go to a strip club and you say, “Her.” Done. I don’t understand the 80’s. Maybe they were all loaded on cocaine and they were just like… They just didn’t notice that they were putting out really crappy product.
Casey:
I really don’t know what to say. I will say, though, that the hair from the 80’s could’ve made just about anyone look unattractive. I mean, that was definitely true. So I don’t think… Maybe they just figured, “Look, the style right now is so unattractive that it doesn’t matter if we get someone attractive. So why bother?”
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
Is there any possibility of that?
Jeff:
There could be. I just… I don’t understand. You know… See this… Now we’re back in our wheel house. We stooped into gay marriage for a minute. Now, we’re right back where we belong.
Casey:
Oh, God. You like the fluff. You like the fluffy stuff. You don’t want to tackle the real issues head on.
Jeff:
I actually want to tackle that. I don’t like the fact that we go, “Hey, let’s do a podcast,” with 5-minute preparation and then we sound like complete idiots.
Casey:
But that’s why people listen to the podcast, right? They don’t want to hear… I mean, you know, you could go listen to alternative radio, right, and hear an hour lecture by someone who’s gonna have a well-thought out position potentially…
Jeff:
You’re saying people choose to listen to us because we’re idiots?
Casey:
I’m saying they want to hear someone make an ass of themselves, right? They want to hear us make an ass of ourselves on the podcast, right? That’s why they’re listening to it. If they didn’t, they could go listen to somebody in television talk about gay marriage. That content already exists.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
So it’s basically like you gotta make sure that you don’t say anything too smart…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or…
Jeff:
“Jeff, you’re gonna have to edit the podcast for a minute there. We imparted some information. And we can’t have that.”
Casey:
Right, exactly. You’re gonna have to cut that shit right out of there. Cut that shit right out.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody. I guess that’ll do it for us.
Casey:
Oh, that’ll do it, alright. Stick a fork in it. Stick a fork in it. Yeah. The meat thermometer has read 120 and it’s ready to pull…
Jeff:
It’s “100% pure awesome” is what it reads. “100% pure Jeff & Casey”.
Casey:
Can I tell you something right now? Let me tell you something right now.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
Are you ready for this? You know sometimes we give away ideas on the podcast? We’re just like, “Here’s an idea. You know what, because we have ideas and you don’t, here’s one for you.” This is the thing, right, you know meat thermometers? You know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You stick a meat thermometer in a steak to tell you when it’s done.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You know what I’m talking about, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Who makes these things, right? You’re sticking a thermometer into a steak, okay. It might be fairly thick, right? Who knows what you’re sticking the thing into? That’s what she said.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Who knows what you’re sticking the meat thermometer in, right?
Jeff:
“Wackity smackity doo…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. And so, you’re sticking this meat thermometer in there. And it only takes the temperature reading from the tip of the thermometer, right? That’s how it works. It conducts it out through that. So you’re trying to get the end of the probe, if you will, into sort of the part of the meat that you think is least cooked, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So what I’m wondering is why the fuck don’t they make professional meat thermometers that have more than one goddamned probe? Just make several probes going up the length of the shaft, if you will, so that when you shove this thing into a piece of meat, it gives you a gradated readout that’s like, “Here’s the 4 or 5 temperature that I probed along the probe.” And so, you can see which one’s the lowest and know, without having to actually fucking find that part.
Jeff:
You want a double-headed meat thermometer?
Casey:
Yeah, multi-headed.
Jeff:
I see. Multi-headed meat thermometer.
Casey:
Yeah. How hard is that? This is not hard.
Jeff:
I can give you some people to talk to, I think.
Casey:
Just fucking do it.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Figure it out, people.
Jeff:
That just popped into your head while we’re saying goodbye. You burned 5 minutes on your pornographic meat thermometer that just popped into your head…
Casey:
Well, it popped into my head because I accidentally said “stick a fork in us” because, you know, we are done. And I was like, “Oh, how do you know when something’s done?” “Oh, it’s because it has a certain temperature that it reaches…”
Jeff:
Don’t recap.
Casey:
But that’s what I was doing.
Jeff:
Don’t recap.
Casey:
Then why’d you ask?
Jeff:
Now we’re an extra 10 minutes about the meat thermometer…
Casey:
That was a very valuable idea. I just gave away a very valuable idea.
Jeff:
This is unprofessional podcasting.
Casey:
Why is it unprofessional?
Jeff:
If we’re being refereed, there’d be flags on the ground thrown for the meat thermometer…
Casey:
What would the flag be?
Jeff:
A new topic introduced doing the outro is a 20-yard infraction.
Casey:
There’s a flag down on the field.
Jeff:
Yep. “I think he introduced a new topic when they were trying to wrap up…”
Casey:
“Penalty, number 45 on the podcast…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Topic introduced during the outro. First down.”
Jeff:
Tell people where to email us.
Casey:
I think people should just run, screaming, right? Don’t email the podcast. It’s gotten totally out of hand. Look at this. We’re intro--…
Jeff:
Email the podcast…
Casey:
Jeff loves to hear from you. Let’s get down to, like…
Jeff:
I do love to hear from people. The farther away you are, the better.
Casey:
Jeff loves to hear from everyone on the podcast.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So you can make his day, ladies and gentlemen, by sending an email to JeffAndCaseyShow.com. And honestly, this is the thing. I think all the email goes there. I don’t know. Send it to Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com. But for all I know, it might just go there no matter what you stick on the beginning. We’ll find out. But try Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
And then, a quick reminder, keep sending Good/No Good…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We need a few more for…
Casey:
We need some audio Good/No Good’s. If you have the ability to record audio, go ahead and mic yourself and record a Good/No Good for Jeff so that we can do an entirely fan-based Good/No Good next time. Hopefully we’ll have 2 or 3 that we can do.
Jeff:
We need a couple more.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So please, send us some so we can do it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
’Cos it looks like that’s next week’s topic so…
Casey:
Sounds good to me.
Jeff:
Hook us up.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And then, send us an email. Write us a review on iTunes, all that action. And we will see you next week.
Casey:
You’re just begging now. You’re just begging for attention.
Jeff:
I’m just begging.
Casey:
You’re begging for attention.
Jeff:
I’m begging for love and attention.
Casey:
Why are you… See, this is the thing. You’re sounding too desperate. They’re not gonna give it to you if you sound too desperate.
Jeff:
No. We’ve established that desperation is fine, remember? We talked about it.
Casey:
Desperation is fine but it’s not effective. I’m saying if we actually want the attention, you can’t appear to need to too badly. You should be like, “I don’t care if you email me. I get tons of email. I have lots of important email from foreign people,” you know. It doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
Yeah. Who cares?
Casey:
But please, Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com…
Jeff:
Send it to Apathy@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, alright. We’ll see.
Jeff:
Alrighty, thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Alright, take it easy
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 36
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