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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Tragic Choice Fatigue of David Lee Roth
"I cast Reasonable Doubt!"
Original air date: October 5th, 2008
Topics. Casting couch. Binormal porn searches. The Edge. Van Halen minute. Big Rig Amped. Frank Miller. Choice fatigue. Jeff’s mullet. Sexy nun. ACLU. Mullets. Cuil. PETA. Camero. Non-porn in porn search. Breast milk. American Movie. Scarred for life. Ice cream. Spiderman: The Musical.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
My name is Jeff Roberts.
Casey:
What is going on here? What is happening?
Jeff:
And… Casey…
Casey:
Everyone who cares at all about what your name is already knows it.
Jeff:
And Casey is sitting next to me, Casey Muratori.
Casey:
Yes. Hello.
Jeff:
And it’s…
Casey:
You’re making the uncomfortable.
Jeff:
September 27th…
Casey:
I need an adult.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
I need an adult.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
What is going on?
Jeff:
I don’t like it.
Casey:
Neither do I but you’re the one who’s doing it. So what am I supposed to do?
Jeff:
Well, I’m just saying who we are. What’s wrong with that?
Casey:
Nothing. It’s just we never do that. That’s not common. That’s very uncommon. We do that very rarely.
Jeff:
And with me, as always, is Casey.
Casey:
What about Sean Barrett? Sean Barrett’s here.
Jeff:
And Sean’s with us, late at night, hanging in there…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
At 3 in the morning…
Casey:
Kicking it in podcast studios.
Jeff:
That’s right. Kicking it strong in podcast studios.
Casey:
Well, now that you’ve…
Jeff:
I’m working this…
Casey:
Made us all uncomfortable…
Jeff:
I’m working this big rig drink…
Casey:
Oh, yeah?
Jeff:
My Amped…
Casey:
It’s delicious, isn’t it?
Jeff:
It is. If Mountain Dew wants to send us some, I welcome that opportunity to drink it on air for them.
Casey:
Now, do you think that our previous sponsor, Blue Sky Soda Certified Organic Soda Sweetened with Organic Cane Sugar, is going to be upset about you also pimping a synthetic soda made in a vat with high fructose corn syrup?
Jeff:
I think that the Amped speaks more to our rock & roll nature of this podcast.
Casey:
Oh, ever since you started the Van Halen Minute, now you’re Mr. Speaks to the Rock & Roll Generation.
Jeff:
Yes, that’s right.
Casey:
Is that the idea?
Jeff:
Hey, you know what? This isn’t on our list of things but I’m gonna talk about it anyway.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I was looking at some old pictures of me. I was trying to find a picture of this car I had in high school to show Darren here at the office.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And I had this disturbing discovery. It really bothered me.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And that was… I was looking at these pictures and I realized… And I’ve made fun of many times…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
People having mullets.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In the picture, I had a fucking mullet, people.
Casey:
Yep. Yeah. You know what, Jeff, I hate to tell you but I’ve seen pictures of you…
Jeff:
What the fuck?
Casey:
I didn’t have the heart to tell.
Jeff:
I don’t know what happened. I don’t remember this point. I didn’t know it was a mullet. And I’m making fun of people. And all the time…
Casey:
What do you mean you don’t know what happened? You had business in the front, party in the back.
Jeff:
Apparently.
Casey:
I mean, I saw the photos.
Jeff:
Apparently.
Casey:
It’s not… It’s not an ambiguous thing. It’s not like, “Oh, I don’t know what… The angle of the photograph is wrong,” or, you know…
Jeff:
So here’s what I remember. I remember I had very long hair. It was halfway down my back.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I have pretty short hair now.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I remember it being very long.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I didn’t remember cutting the sides really short over the ears. This is not a good look. I was…
Casey:
You’re from the South. It’s Utah.
Jeff:
Utah is not the South. It’s the middle.
Casey:
It’s the South.
Jeff:
It’s the middle.
Casey:
That’s below the mullet line.
Jeff:
Oh, it is the mullet central.
Casey:
That is below the mullet line.
Jeff:
No, there’s no question.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If we looked in my yearbook, you’d be like, “Normal, normal, mullet, mullet, normal, mullet, mullet, mullet, girl mullet…”
Casey:
Oh, wow… The girl mullet, that is no good.
Jeff:
You know the dreaded girl mullet? Where they have kind of the bangs that kind of go…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then… And then this, right?
Casey:
Never a good look.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Ladies, never a good look.
Jeff:
Right. No, it’s not good. You see them now and again on Capitol Hill, that cut again on…
Casey:
You’ll see anything now and again on Capitol Hill, though.
Jeff:
On like, some rough women that would take me out. That I wouldn’t mess with them…
Casey:
I don’t know if that would take much, Jeff.
Jeff:
Hey…
Casey:
You’re not that imposing.
Jeff:
No, I am. But with the mullet, I’m even more imposing. It’s not good, Casey. I was freaked the fuck out.
Casey:
I hate to say this. I don’t mean to be rude. But with the mullet, you remind me a lot…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Of the “American Movie” dude.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, that would be okay. Well, he didn’t have a mullet. He just had long hair.
Casey:
He has hair that looks a lot like what yours looked like, though, in the photos.
Jeff:
You know what, I’m embarrassed enough about this mullet…
Casey:
That you’re willing to share it?
Jeff:
I’m willing to share it to just get it out…
Casey:
To get it out there? That’s a good idea. Why keep it bottled up, right?
Jeff:
I will send the photos.
Casey:
Come out of the closet, Jeff.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Come out of the mullet closet. “Mom, dad, I had a mullet.”
Jeff:
Yeah, maybe some people would say like, “No, Jeff. You misunderstand. That’s not really a mullet.” I’m hoping for somebody with…
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
Right. That’s not… That’s, like, a special thing…
Casey:
Oh, wow.
Jeff:
I’m hoping maybe it wasn’t really a mullet.
Casey:
Oh, so you’re hoping someone’s like, “Oh, you just have sex with men? That’s not really gay…”
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
“If that’s just on the down-low…”
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s like, “Don’t worry, man. It’s fine.” Embrace the fact that you were a mullet-wearer.
Jeff:
So, here’s the thing.
Casey:
Don’t be embarrassed about who you are.
Jeff:
I was talking to Darren about this. And I was saying how awesome my car was I had in high school and I had a picture, let me show him…
Casey:
What kind of car was it?
Jeff:
This is the thing. This is even more mullet-enforcing…
Casey:
Oh, like your car had a mullet?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Metaphorically-speaking…
Jeff:
It was a Camaro…
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
Which is the mullet of American muscle.
Casey:
Oh, wow. Yes. Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m like, “Fuck. I’m just screwed. I don’t know what happened.” And I don’t remember being mullet-esque in those days, right. I don’t remember… And it actually literally disturbed me because I didn’t remember having a mullet and there it was. And then, I looked at the picture and remember that haircut and I was like, “That was a mullet. Fuck.”
Casey:
That is awesome.
Jeff:
Oh. So listeners, take a look at the picture. Give me some.
Casey:
So we’ll upload that with the podcast, I guess is what we’re gonna do?
Jeff:
Yeah. We’ll put it up and then maybe…
Casey:
Okay. Let’s go ahead and put a picture up of that “American Movie” guy, too, ‘cos I don’t know. I can’t remember. Let’s just see how much you guys look alike. ’Cos the Zohan…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Your new haircut is the Zohan, right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
As Steve Theodore…
Jeff:
Ryan…
Casey:
And Ryan proved it, right?
Jeff:
Damn it. No. It’s not the way it should go.
Casey:
So we totally know that that’s the case now.
Jeff:
Are you talking about the guy who always drinks vodka or are you talking about the skinny long-haired dude.
Casey:
No, not that dude. The long-haired dude.
Jeff:
You know, he liked Burger King, if you remember.
Casey:
That’s right. He loves Burger King. Yes. Absolutely.
Jeff:
I saw him in a movie the other day. I can’t remember what it was.
Casey:
That was a great film.
Jeff:
Yeah. I really, really liked that movie.
Casey:
I liked that quite a bit.
Jeff:
Yeah. They got some wicked toenails there.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. And the dude with the scream.
Jeff:
Yeah, the scream was terrific. So I have something that I came across that I wanted to tell you about…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
’Cos it’s up your alley.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right? Like a mullet and a Camaro was up mine, apparently.
Casey:
Yeah, I’ll say.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Well, you have… Recently as 5 or 6 years ago, driven a fucking shit hole Mustang.
Jeff:
No, that was awesome.
Casey:
But barely ever worked.
Jeff:
No. Man. Yeah, none of my cars…
Casey:
Yeah. You had, essentially, a mullet at that point.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That was a virtual mullet.
Jeff:
No, there is no virtual mullet.
Casey:
V Mullet.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
V Mullet technology.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
The Ring minus 1 was running you as that mullet in Ring 0. You didn’t know it.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
VM ware?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Go ahead.
Jeff:
Virtual Mullet ware. Alright… No, this is an upcoming Broadway show that’s coming in New York…
Casey:
An up and coming production, if you will.
Jeff:
Right. And this is a big deal.
Casey:
A big up and coming number…
Jeff:
Yes. Right. And this is the musical version of “Spiderman”, okay…
Casey:
Oh, fabulous.
Jeff:
Yeah. You’re gonna love it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos he, you know, can do whatever a spider can. But I wanted to…
Casey:
Now, who said that was a good idea? I mean, was that the movie studio? Who is doing that?
Jeff:
I don’t know. Maybe Marvel’s like, “We haven’t squeezed quite enough money out of Peter Parker’s firm buttocks…”
Casey:
Yep, that’s right.
Jeff:
Spandex… Like, “If we just really pushed him and squeezed him, another penny will come out.”
Casey:
Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
Yes. But somehow, he’s gotten some rockers. Now, he didn’t manage…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
He didn’t manage to get Van Halen but he did manage to get U2…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Bono and Edge are writing the music for this thing…
Casey:
Okay. What the fuck?
Jeff:
Hey, it’s gonna be awesome.
Casey:
No, it’s gonna suck.
Jeff:
But now, let me… No, as a comic guy, I’ve read a lot of “Spiderman”.
Casey:
Sure. I’ve seen a lot of musicals.
Jeff:
Yep, you’ve seen a lot of musicals. I’m gonna read you something that actually isn’t really in the comics and maybe you can talk about why they would do this to make the musical work or something. Because I’m not understanding this character.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. So this is on IMDB. They were looking for… They have job listings there.
Casey:
On IMDB?
Jeff:
Yeah. They have job listings for lots of stuff there. They do a professional version where you can see what they’re looking for.
Casey:
You mean for musicals, there’s listings on IMDB?
Jeff:
Everything — TV, right, all that… So professionals look for jobs on there.
Casey:
I know that. Okay. That’s how they’re “monetizing” it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Okay. So this cites 2007 a casting call for the… Then, it was an embryonic project at that point. And it describes a character called the Arkane. I think that’s how you say that.
Casey:
I don’t think so.
Jeff:
What do you think it’s called?
Casey:
Let me see it.
Jeff:
It’s on the right there, to the right of the page. You’re looking on the left. Top right.
Casey:
Where is it? Oh, A-R-A-C-H-N-E is not…
Jeff:
Archane?
Casey:
Well, it’s gotta be… It’s like arachnid. It’s like the base of arachnid. So it’s like Arachne.
Jeff:
Arachne?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
But it’s not Arkane.
Jeff:
Okay. This is not a comic character because Arkane sounds like a comic…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That could be like his… You know, ‘cos they always have, like, the villain has the same shit as the good guy, right?
Casey:
I thought you told me once that it depended on whether you’re Marvel or DC.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, like, Marvel people fight the same people and DC people fight opposite people.
Jeff:
Right. And this is Spiderman…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is a Marvel property.
Casey:
Okay. So he’s gonna fight Dark Spiderman?
Jeff:
Right. So this character is “a beautiful, boastful young woman, turned into the spider for her hubris and lack of respect for the gods.”
Casey:
What gods? Spiderman takes place in the present day, right?
Jeff:
Gods… You know, gods…
Casey:
Just some gods.
Jeff:
Yeah, Stan Lee, maybe. Who “subsequently appears to Peter Parker and the audience as a turn in a powerful spider-woman who comes from another time to inspi……”
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
“To inspire Peter; an otherworldly lover; a bride; a terrifying (and sexy) dark goddess of vengeance; a dance partner in a charged and violent spiders dance of death; and, finally, a lonely, fragile young woman.” So Casey, you have almost 40 years of Spiderman comics to draw upon.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Some stuff based in the real world death…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Some stuff based in space, silly, crazy. They felt it necessary, as the director and writer of this musical…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
To add to 40 years of comics their own lone, fragile woman. What are they doing here? What did they feel was missing from this? What were they trying to do?
Casey:
Well, I think…
Jeff:
Your face is so puckered at this point.
Casey:
So, there’s a couple explanations I can think of.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Simplest possible explanation is that that actually has nothing to do with the musical whatsoever. That’s basically who the casting director wanted to get with…
Jeff:
Oh… I see.
Casey:
Who knows what the part is actually for…
Jeff:
“Let’s run some lines together.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Now, what you’re gonna be is…”
Casey:
“Say to me… Squeal like a little girl…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“And if you could hit me with this paddle… No, the next one over. The next one over… No, the big one with the spike on the… Yeah, that one…”
Jeff:
That one.
Casey:
Yeah. That is what I’m thinking is the most logical explanation. So he just thought of a bunch of shit that he wanted to have and wrote that down.
Jeff:
“Alright, we’re gonna do the dark goddess where you’re both terrifying and sexy…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“Are you ready for that?”
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly. That’s what I’m assuming is probably the most likely explanation.
Jeff:
Alright. So there is a casting couch in musicals, as well?
Casey:
I don’t know. I mean, I’m not in that business, right. I’ve seen a lot of musicals. That’s like saying, “I play a lot of games so I know…”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s like, “No, you don’t.” Right?
Jeff:
You made a lot of games and you don’t know what goes on behind the scenes?
Casey:
Right. So I’m totally am trying to hypothesize here as to what could actually be going on.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s one thing.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I suppose if you want to assume that that actually is the part as written, right… Like, that actually is what…
Jeff:
There’s gonna be…
Casey:
That exact sequence of things is going to show up in that order in the musical in a number of scenes. Like, we’re gonna assume that that’s the case.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Then, the only thing that I can think of, right, is one explanation (which is wrong, which has to be wrong) which is low budget, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because a lot of times, if it’s low budget, you have one person playing a lot of fucking things.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Even in a high budget musical, oftentimes, the chorus line, you know, takes a number of ancillary roles, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So that would make some sense. But we know this is high budget. U2 has signed on to it…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re not gonna have trouble getting funding…
Jeff:
There’s gonna be some Edge guitar work where it’s like…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
’Cos that’s all he does…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Same thing in every song.
Casey:
Yes, exactly. Now…
Jeff:
Musical genius…
Casey:
No, that’s not true. At least in my experience listening to U2 (which I do very infrequently, thankfully) is that he actually has a different riff per album, it sounds like.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
He mixes it up. There’s a slightly different pattern of which strings…
Jeff:
Moving up and down…
Casey:
He’s touching…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s what it feels like to me. But I’m not a guitar expert. So maybe there’s some nuance, some subtlety in there that’s not understanding…
Jeff:
Right. Okay. I listen to them casually.
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
Just to uninformed me, it seems like he’s playing the same song every time.
Casey:
It’s the same shit? That may well be. That could actually be true. So assuming that none of those is true and that actually it’s like, no, it’s a high budget musical. We thought this out. This is what we wanted. And that is the sequence of the scenes that we’re going to go through, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I’m assuming that what happened here is we got, like, sort of the same situation that was happening with the “Shrek: The Musical” tap line…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We’ve got somebody signed on to this project, the writer, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, they’re not a real writer. They’re someone who went to… I don’t know. Like, went to an ostentatious sort of New York sort of classes/college on this, right, like let’s say… You know, I don’t know… like NY… TISH or something…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? Okay.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And you know, they’re probably… It’s, like, a gay man so they don’t have a whole lot of necessarily straightforward experience with…
Jeff:
With comic…
Casey:
Heterosexual relationships, okay…
Jeff:
Oh, I see, with relationships, not just comics but… Yeah.
Casey:
Oh, right, like only straight people read comics?
Jeff:
I’m just saying, like, there’s probably… Spiderman’s not the one you’d go for. I’m just saying.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
I’m just guessing.
Casey:
Why is that?
Jeff:
I’m just guessing. It’s like with Mary Jane, you gotta have some, like… If you’re gonna do something where you want some ambiguity, you go for Batman.
Casey:
His buddy, his rich buddy, all the sexual tension there…
Jeff:
What are you talking about?
Casey:
Spiderman and the Green Goblin guy…
Jeff:
Osborne?
Casey:
The Green Goblin’s son?
Jeff:
The hairy Osborne?
Casey:
Yes. So basically, like, the majority of the sort of writing experience here is coming from sort of, like, a book learning approach towards the male-female relationship…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Where there are a number of identifiable roles.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
The tormentor, the mother, the companion…
Jeff:
Right. I see.
Casey:
The fragile, the princess, and so on…
Jeff:
Right. I see.
Casey:
And so, our goal in the Spiderman epic musical is to show her in all of these roles…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
At one point or another to give sort of the full picture of sort of the timeless love story, if you will.
Jeff:
The Virgin Mary… The horror and the mother, right?
Casey:
Yes, the nun-whore.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
The whore-nun.
Casey:
So, I don’t know.
Jeff:
Who actually is a Spiderman character, the dreaded whore-nun.
Casey:
I wouldn’t be surprised. Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
She’s in nasty business…
Casey:
And her habit attack, yeah…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Her Eucharist… Eucharist throwing stars… You know, I say shit like that but I guarantee you there’s a comic book somewhere where there is a nun who hurls magical Eucharists…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s probably true.
Casey:
Or Holy Water or shit… I know that there’s gotta be. There’s no way… I refuse to believe that there isn’t…
Jeff:
There’s a Frank Miller and she’s really a sexy nun.
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, she’s super hot.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And she wears her habit open in the front or something for some reason that’s not explained.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. So…
Jeff:
Stands in front of the moon…
Casey:
I don’t know. I don’t have a good explanation. I’m assuming that that’s what that is. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Do you think Peter… Like, they black out the stage and spotlight Peter and he sings about how lonely it is to be a superhero in New York, that kind of thing?
Casey:
I guarantee you that the word web is used as a double entendre at least once…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
If that’s what you’re asking.
Jeff:
Maybe they’ll project, like, a little window on the ground and he could stand by it as if he’s about to jump out, that kind of thing, you know, ‘cos it’s really… That arts up the high production…
Casey:
Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What I’m guessing will probably happen at one point or another is that the stage will be… ‘Cos again, this is high budget…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So we got our best minds on this. We got the tap line crew…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Showing up to figure out how we’re gonna stage this thing.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And I will…
Jeff:
So Peter Pan-style flying?
Casey:
Put money on it right now that there is going to be some kind of leverage mechanism on the stage such that they can tilt the stage from vertical to horizontal…
Jeff:
Ah…
Casey:
So he can be on it, right…
Jeff:
Right. Climbing up…
Casey:
And it will tilt, right, so that it’s not fully… It won’t slide off completely…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not perfectly up and down, right, but he’s on it… Like, moving…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? And so on… Otherwise, I don’t know how they’d get them on there. Now, maybe they could do it by having it so he’s actually rock climbing up it…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But I don’t think they’d probably want to do that. So I’m guessing it’ll be just tilted enough so that he can just go up it, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Directly…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Without having to worry about literally falling the fuck off. I’m not sure.
Jeff:
Oh, my gosh. Do you think all the villains are gonna have big musical numbers like the Doc Octopus…
Casey:
Of course…
Jeff:
Like, all the arms will be dancing in sync…
Casey:
Yes. No, absolutely. I mean, I don’t know which…
Jeff:
This could be awesome.
Casey:
Well, I will go to this, day 1. I guarantee you, I’ll be there, right.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And I will give you the full report.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
But it’s gonna be terrible. I mean, there’s no question about that, right. But it’s just as much fun to see a really terrible musical as it is to see an average musical, let’s say.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Sometimes better. Sometimes better than that.
Jeff:
Yeah, in between is totally no-man’s land.
Casey:
In between is the bad one.
Jeff:
You’ve got to be good or really bad.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Legitimately bad, just straightforward bad, is no fun at all. But if you can be so bad that it’s farce, that’s a huge plus.
Jeff:
That’s good.
Casey:
Yeah. Now, what I want to know is are they gonna do interpretative web-slinging or are they gonna have a special effect for that. Like when he goes, wham, and the other dude goes like, “Ah,” like, fake like, as if I’ve been webbed or what…
Jeff:
No. It’ll be like… You know whenever they shoot somebody and they pull out a red scarf…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly…
Jeff:
And everyone’s like, “Ah,” and you’re like, “It’s a fucking scarf.” It’s in every play where they shoot somebody.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So it’ll be like a little gray scarf they pull out and then it’ll be, like, covered… Yeah. Oh, God.
Casey:
Well, legitimately, sometimes the [ A team ] does show up. Like, I have seen some staging where I was like, “That was fucking genius.” Like the new version of “Cabaret” was pretty impressive, the way they did that.
Jeff:
In Seattle?
Casey:
No. Well, I didn’t see the one in Seattle which may have been the new production. I assume it [inaudible 20:37] new production.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But I saw it in New York, the version with Alan Cumming.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
He’s really good…
Jeff:
Yeah. He’s really good.
Casey:
Obviously… He was the emcee so that was a big plus, obviously. But they did some really kind of neat stuff there that I was like, “Okay, legitimately speaking, that was great, weird avant-garde staging that totally gets the point across and is nicely done.” It was not pulling the red scarf out of your breast pocket but it was quite, quite good…
Jeff:
Every time I hear a gasp…
Casey:
For Spiderman, I don’t think the [ A team ] is showing up for “Spiderman: The Musical”.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You’re getting the people who think they’re the [ A team ] but don’t have any artistic integrity, right, that’s who you’re getting for Spiderman, right… So…
Jeff:
Oh, it’s gonna be awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Do you think Peter Pan ever, like, stops and addresses the audience and talks about world poverty.
Casey:
It’s not Peter Pan. Not Peter Pan.
Jeff:
Did I say Peter Pan not Peter Parker?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
I guess they could use the same rigging…
Casey:
Possibly.
Jeff:
And then swing around…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No, I’m sure he has to address poverty in Africa, like, halfway through. It’s part of the Bono contract. . .
Casey:
Oh, that’s a very good point.
Jeff:
Right, halfway through, he’s like…
Casey:
That’s an excellent point. What’s Bono getting out of this? Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Cos he doesn’t need the money…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
So it’s not like they can pay him for it.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
So he’s probably like, this has to be…
Jeff:
Maybe they just stop and he comes out. “Ladies and gentlemen…”
Casey:
Right, exactly. “Ladies and gentlemen, Bono.” And the audience eats that shit up. And he says some shit that makes absolutely no sense…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
No one’s sure what he’s talking about and they’re like, “Yeah, Bono!” He’s got the sunglasses on. Now, granted, he’s indoors…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But he has that on because, you know, those stage lights are bright.
Jeff:
Well, yeah.
Casey:
The spotlight is bright.
Jeff:
We’re not totally sure if he has eyes anymore, you know, ‘cos like…
Casey:
You think he’s [inaudible 22:11] under there?
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
He’s like, “I can see your heat signature.”
Jeff:
That’s right, they’re infrared…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You can’t hide from Bono…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Are you crazy? Oh, my God.
Casey:
“What a beautiful sea of red, green, yellow, orange, and blue I’m seeing out there tonight.”
Jeff:
That’s true. Awesome.
Casey:
He can actually count the number of people stoned, right. He can see all the little joints…
Jeff:
Stop it…
Casey:
Lit up all throughout the, you know…
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
So Jeff…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Here’s the thing that I was reading about. And maybe you know a little bit more about this than me.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
But apparently, there was a new search engine that debuted at some point. And I totally missed it because, you know, I don’t read the dailies.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You read the dailies so I’m not so in touch with when such and such starts a new Silicon Valley start-up, right.
Jeff:
This is the cool people…
Casey:
The CUIL.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Geniuses…
Casey:
I don’t know anything about it.
Jeff:
Well, they named their company something that is not phonetic so, like, you can’t type it into a search bar. It’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s not spelled “cool”, either. It’s spelled “kweel”.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s…
Casey:
So do they actually expect people to pronounce it “cool”?
Jeff:
They usually have, like, a little… You know how when they have pronunciations, they italicize them?
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
It’s like C-U… Yeah, it’s the worst.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, I hope they’re enjoying someone else’s money for the time being.
Jeff:
Apparently they were, yes.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But yes…
Casey:
Anyway, apparently, there was a problem because when the search service debuted…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And people were searching for things, it was…
Jeff:
Any by the way, these are ex-Google people.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
They left Google…
Casey:
To make another…
Jeff:
To make a shittier version of what they used to work on.
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
They didn’t make, like, fancier search or better… It’s, like, it’s the same fucking thing.
Casey:
So apparently, though, when people were searching for things like… Whatever… MegaTimer, right? You would just get random porn interspersed with your shit, right. So even if you had their equivalent of Safe Search turned on…
Jeff:
Right. Cuil search…
Casey:
They didn’t have any real coherent way, apparently, for identifying porn sites versus not porn sites…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So you would just get… You know, if a porn site happened to have their own MegaTimer on it, up comes an image, graphic image…
Jeff:
An awesome image…
Casey:
Right there…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For your viewing pleasure.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And this did not please… They got a lot of complaints.
Jeff:
I see. And by “lot”, the 12 people that tried it?
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
Because who the fuck…
Casey:
A lot, proportionally…
Jeff:
Okay. A high proportion…
Casey:
A high proportion of the people who bothered to visit this site.
Jeff:
I see. Yes. Do you think they Googled for Cuil to find out where it was?
Casey:
You probably have to. You probably have to search for “new search engine”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So here’s the thing…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I feel like there is a double standard going on here.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
And I do not appreciate it and I want to call it out. And that is why is it, all of a sudden, a huge deal (an uproar, if you will)…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you get porn when you have searched for not porn, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For something that is not porn, you get porn… Why is that all of a sudden a big deal, newsworthy complaint, whatever…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
When I search for porn all the time and get non-porn in my porn search, okay…
Jeff:
Ah, I see.
Casey:
And nobody… I don’t see any outrage about that, okay, right? You’re trying to find porn on the internet…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay? You put in some search terms, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You put in “nuts”, let’s say, alright…
Jeff:
Right. Let’s not say that but let’s say…
Casey:
And you get out… You’re the one with the gay Spiderman shit…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Don’t look at me. You put in “butts and nuts”, okay…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And all you get is almonds and cigarettes back for images, alright?
Jeff:
Right. Well, I could think of worse.
Casey:
Nobody complains about this, right. I’ve never seen anyone talk about this…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And yet, it is rampant. I don’t care what search term you put into Google. You are more than likely to not get back a full page of porn if that’s what you wanted.
Jeff:
Right. I search for “big juicy breasts” and got back, like, breast cancer awareness week. There’s nothing… That’s gonna bring me down…
Casey:
Okay, well, that’s separate. That’s even worse.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, that to me…
Jeff:
That’s, like, class action suit.
Casey:
Exactly because there, you may now not be able…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To finish…
Jeff:
You’ve associated…
Casey:
Your porn experience…
Jeff:
Maybe ever again…
Casey:
For hours.
Jeff:
Right. Well, maybe…
Casey:
Right? You’re gonna have to cleanse that thought from your mind, okay.
Jeff:
That’s exactly right.
Casey:
You’re gonna have to go through… It could be days.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It could be weeks.
Jeff:
Months?
Casey:
Months even… No, not months.
Jeff:
Weeks, alright…
Casey:
Weeks.
Jeff:
Alright. Damn it.
Casey:
It could be a long time, right, before you’re gonna be able to get over that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And I don’t see this being mentioned anywhere. If you… So you go search for something… I don’t know. You search for just juicy, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos you’re looking for some juiced up… And you get breasts… So there’s some breasts…
Jeff:
Yeah. Live with it.
Casey:
That’s a plus.
Jeff:
It’s natural.
Casey:
When was the last time you were standing around and suddenly there were some breasts and you were like, “Oh, that sucks.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? That doesn’t happen.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Why are you complaining? What you should be complaining is, okay, the equivalent metaphor of the experience is you’re in the bedroom, you’re undressing somebody else…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You type in “hot ass”, you’re expecting to get hot female ass.
Jeff:
You may not…
Casey:
Right? So what you do is you just go, whoa, Google’s AI should kick it and be like, “Did you mean hot female ass or hot male ass?”
Jeff:
Right. Little blue underlines above the page…
Casey:
Or both… Right. And you can click on which one you want and that’s what you get.
Jeff:
Yes. That’s a good point.
Casey:
Definitely, definitely, they need to look into this.
Jeff:
Yes. That’s, like, their next 500-point jump in stock.
Casey:
Yes. Google. Yeah.
Jeff:
Porngoogle.
Casey:
Screwgle.
Jeff:
Did you ever try Cuil?
Casey:
I think when you…
Jeff:
Sent the link originally?
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t remember… It must’ve been you who sent me the link originally because I’m not sure I would’ve found it. Well, it could’ve been on the technology section of a website of, like, new search engine sucks ass or something, you know… So I think I did go in there just to see it and I typed in something and it was really terrible.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, it wasn’t nearly as good as Google in terms of giving you relevant searches also, which is kind of impressive.
Jeff:
Yes. Do we want to do a little Van Halen Minute? Should we pick that up?
Casey:
I vote for every week, there’s a Van Halen…
Jeff:
You want to just do every week, there’s a…
Casey:
Until you have read this entire book in pieces out loud such that someone could, in theory, go piece them back together, right…
Jeff:
I marked a page.
Casey:
Like, do you know how they carbon… No, not carbon date… Do you know how they’re dating wood by tree ring analysis?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I want people to be able to put together the podcast based on overlapping Van Halen Minute readings of this book. Like, that’s the coverage that we should be able to get.
Jeff:
I see. Okay. With it?
Casey:
With it. Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, I am reading…
Casey:
Do you have one for us here?
Jeff:
Yeah, I am reading… Okay, again… We’re gonna review real quick…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The “Van Halen Saga”…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Written by Ian Christie.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Which is one of the most intriguing books of 2007.
Casey:
One of the most intriguing books of 2007, a highly recommended read for all Van Halen completists.
Jeff:
Yes. This is from Chapter 11 which is called “Roll With It”.
Casey:
“Roll With It”.
Jeff:
“Roll With It”.
Casey:
Roll with it, Jeff.
Jeff:
“Interviewed by Penthouse, Roth sounded wistful for the open-minded sexual sophistication of the 1970’s. The girls he was hitting between the legs weren’t connecting with him as often between the temples.”
Casey:
This is awesome.
Jeff:
“They had become too young and too predictable. The age of the sexually experienced and adventurous professional groupie was over.”
Casey:
I’m sorry, professional groupie?
Jeff:
Professional groupie. Well, not just professional groupie. The sexually experienced and adventurous professional groupie.
Casey:
Right. Okay. I’ll let you finish reading but I have some questions about that already.
Jeff:
Okay. “’What’s in the room next door now are college girls, working girls, secretaries, nurses, assistants. It’s really not like New York after hours anymore as much as I’d like it to be,’ Roth joked about suffering choice fatigue and ended up back at the hotel alone.”
Casey:
Oh, my lord.
Jeff:
That’s 1970’s. He’s looking back…
Casey:
Now…
Jeff:
Wistfully.
Casey:
Choice-fatigue.
Jeff:
Choice-fatigue…
Casey:
You used the phrase “choice-fatigue”, as if that’s something we’re just supposed to know what that is, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, man. I can only do it 3 or 4 times a night…”
Casey:
You’re expecting breasts and all of a sudden, you got God knows what under there, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s really No Good, okay.
Jeff:
Martha Washington…
Casey:
That’s severely good.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Sitting around, suddenly breasts appear — Good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Undressing, expecting to have breasts, getting something completely different that’s possibly gross — Not good.
Jeff:
Right. Well, so the point is when you’re going for a sexual experience…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You are emotionally raw. You are susceptible, in many ways…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
To stuff…
Casey:
You’re expecting something…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Your brain is not prepared…
Jeff:
Right. The filters aren’t up anymore, right.
Casey:
Right, yes, to see something else besides what you wanted to see there.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So if you look for “gaping holes”, for example, right…
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
And you get something like rectal cancer…
Casey:
Right. Go see…
Jeff:
You might be scarred for life.
Casey:
Right. That could permanently fuck up your sexual worldview…
Jeff:
Your entire relationship, right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You could become a serial killer, right. And those are the kinds of things…
Casey:
More than likely…
Jeff:
Yeah. Those are the kinds of things you should be able to sue for, right? That is like, I should be able to get that out of Google when that works.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
You really want Safe Search to be… Right now, it’s like zero to 1.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Zero to 1 safe. You want it -1 to 1.
Casey:
Right. You want to be able to specify unsafe searches on.
Jeff:
You want to be able to dial it the other direction. Right, exactly…
Casey:
Like, I want only unsafe things…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And if you give me something that’s not safe…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos we have positives that are definite. And you need… What’s the one where you have zero… 1 to 1… What’s the…
Casey:
Bi-normal?
Jeff:
Right. We need a…
Casey:
You want a bi-normal distribution?
Jeff:
Space. Right, exactly.
Casey:
Well, I would actually say that we probably want to increase the parameter space considerably because again…
Jeff:
You want other axis?
Casey:
You saw what happens when I randomly picked “butts and nuts”. You cringed over there, okay. So if somebody is searching for a specific type of porn, we also have to ensure that they don’t get bleed-over, if you will, from other kind of porn that may overlap, terminologically…
Jeff:
Ah, I see.
Casey:
With that thing, okay?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“So, you know, I can’t take all of you. I’m gonna have to narrow the field down here and it’s just getting too hard to do.”
Jeff:
Well, I don’t understand when he’s complaining about the women in the room next door. He’s speaking like right now…
Casey:
Is that like a holding tank? Yeah, what’s going on over there?
Jeff:
Right. Like, in the next door, there’s college girls, working girls, secretaries, nurses, and assistants. All of them. That’s the choices.
Casey:
That’s what you’ve got to work with?
Jeff:
Right. And none of them are the sexually experienced and adventurous professional groupie that he came to know and love in the 70’s.
Casey:
But what the fuck is a professional groupie? Does that mean that they earn their living from being a groupie? Like handouts from the band or something?
Jeff:
I don’t know. This is somebody complaining about, like, something you can’t even relate to in any way right?
Casey:
Right, exactly.
Jeff:
Like, to some absurd thing that you’re like, “Yeah, you know what, I was in Cabo last week and, you know, it was 100 degrees,” while you’re sitting in rain or something. It’s just like, “Shut up. I don’t want to hear about it.”
Casey:
Well, it’s probably more like something like, “Yeah, but now that they’ve outlawed lobsters that are under 12 inches long, I mean, I can’t even get them flown in from somewhere. It’s really annoying.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s not good.
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
Anyway, again, it was a bring-me-down. I understand… Roth has a hard life.
Casey:
I don’t think it’s a bring-me-down. I think that that helps us understand that even people who seemingly, on the surface, had just a perfect life, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos who wouldn’t want to trade shoes and pants with David Lee Roth, right?
Jeff:
Scarves.
Casey:
And hearing dates and so on with David Lee Roth, right?
Jeff:
But maybe now you think twice.
Casey:
Now, you’re like, “Okay, choice-fatigue,” right?
Jeff:
Yeah. Never considered this.
Casey:
“This is what I have to look forward to. Choice-fatigue,” okay…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s hard. It’s like fibromyalgia, right? It is a difficult medical condition that can be oppressive. It can… Okay, if you’re not careful…
Jeff:
Doctors don’t even understand…
Casey:
If you’re not careful, thanks to choice-fatigue, you may end up going back to the hotel room alone.
Jeff:
Alone. Again.
Casey:
Through no fault of your own…
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Okay, because there were hair stylists, assistants, roller derby queens… I don’t remember all the shit you listed in the room next door, okay, but they’re next door…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And frankly, I can’t be bothered to walk around the corner, right?
Jeff:
I don’t want to go choose… Right.
Casey:
And some asshole, even though I told them that I wanted the double room with the door between…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Fucked that up, right, so now I actually have to go out into the hallway…
Jeff:
The shit I do…
Casey:
Which will involve tying my robe up, right… That’s crap. I don’t remember where those little slipper things went…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They could be anywhere by now, frankly. Like on Wednesday, I forgot where that shit was, okay… So I have no idea where those are. They may be lodged in some… I don’t even know where they are. Someone probably wore those home, okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s a hard life.
Casey:
It is a very, very hard life.
Jeff:
Well, that’s our “Van Halen Minute” for this week. “Van Halen Saga”, Ian Christie…
Casey:
And the mini bars.
Jeff:
Just a little thing…
Casey:
Completely empty.
Jeff:
Well, it sounds like he’s doing a bit of a Good/No Good and like…
Casey:
Oh, right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And that group… Like, “Groupies have become No Good for him…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he’s just, like, going off on him.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, somebody’s there…
Jeff:
“Fucking administrative assistants…”
Casey:
Like, you’re David Lee Roth and I am whoever, you know, whatever the equivalent is of me in that situation and I’m saying groupies’ expected to be good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, you’re just good. It’s like, No Good. Surprise…
Jeff:
Hey, [ you didn’t tell me ] about groupies… Right.
Casey:
No Good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Choice fatigue.
Jeff:
Choice fatigue.
Casey:
It sucks.
Jeff:
You don’t understand what it’s like to be…
Casey:
I’m not connecting between the temples. Totally disconnected.
Jeff:
What was it? Connecting?
Casey:
Hitting between the legs, connecting between the temples.
Jeff:
Between the temples.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Wow. As often…
Casey:
Now….
Jeff:
They were sometimes connecting with him, just not as often.
Casey:
Okay. So sometimes, it’s like, “Hey, I didn’t think that I would have that much in common with the nurses next door.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Turns out…
Jeff:
Right. If you have a couple of them…
Casey:
“Sponge bath was our common link that we could both agree on,” right?
Jeff:
Right. “It’s what brought us together.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yes. “She knows how to give one. I wanted one.”
Jeff:
It all worked out.
Casey:
“We connected. It was beautiful.”
Jeff:
Right. We healed each other, really.
Casey:
Yeah. Like lock and key.
Jeff:
So some of the people that I like to support lately, have been driving me insane, okay…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
I thought that was the case with all the people you support.
Jeff:
Well, some of them do. Some of them drive me especially insane.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
These ones… So a couple of them, lately, have been particularly egregious that I thought I’d talk about it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
These are all people… I support their cause.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I’m a fan of their missions, right…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So the first one that came up recently… And I feel like, just as an aside… I feel like they’re trying to be hard core, like…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You know when…
Casey:
Like a rapper or something?
Jeff:
Right. When rappers were…
Casey:
“I’m from the streets.”
Jeff:
Well, initially, a lot of rap was like Sugarland Gang… It was nice and happy and silly and [inaudible 37:46] dancing.
Casey:
[ I have no idea ]. I don’t listen to rap.
Jeff:
Okay. Then came NWA and those guys brought the hardcore.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right. And so, then Public Enemy started making it a lot tougher and gangster.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I feel like my charities are trying to do the same thing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right? They’re trying to show how hardcore they are.
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
They’re not just in the case of Amnesty International…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They aren’t just trying to help poor victims…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos that’s… I mean, that’s a good thing.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But this is how hardcore we are.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right? We’re protesting the upcoming execution, right, in… Where did you say it was? Indonesia?
Casey:
Are you talking about Indonesia?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. So there’s a serial killer being executed in Indonesia…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For having killed 42 women in black magic rituals so that he could drink their saliva to improve his magical powers.
Jeff:
Ugh. Okay. That is awful but drinking the saliva made me even more noxious. That sounds No Good.
Casey:
Well, I’m not totally sure I understand why you can’t drink the saliva without killing them.
Jeff:
Yeah. Maybe they don’t French kiss in Indonesia.
Casey:
I guess not.
Jeff:
Maybe not.
Casey:
At least not with the tongue.
Jeff:
So, hey, it’s awesome. Like, the death penalty is terrible.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Defend this guy because I’m sure he has poor legal representation in Indonesia.
Casey:
I would imagine so but his magical powers would, I think, aide his rescue.
Jeff:
Right. Maybe he can conjure…
Casey:
I guess not.
Jeff:
Right. Maybe he didn’t get enough saliva to conjure a lawyer.
Casey:
I cast reasonable doubt…
Jeff:
Awesome. Reasonable doubt manna.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Do they have that in Indonesia? I don’t know what their legal system’s even like.
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
For all I know, it’s like, “Yes, but the judge has even more magical powers. So you’re guilty.” I mean, I don’t know. How backwards are we talking about?
Jeff:
“I cast guilt.”
Casey:
Right. Exactly.
Jeff:
And then, all the fire hits in the middle.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Anyway, like, good, represent him. Don’t issue 5,000 press releases about it just to show how fucking hardcore you are. It’s an… You’re only hurting yourself.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You do good work.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This needs to be done… Talk about the nuns that you’re representing somewhere. Don’t…
Casey:
Or if you’re gonna give a press release, do a press release that’s apologies. It’s like, “We defend everyone. It would not be our first choice to defend someone who did such horrific things. But we…”
Jeff:
Yeah, we just…
Casey:
“We’re against some principles. That’s what we do.”
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s almost like, “Dude…”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And the same thing happens with the ALCU which does great work.
Casey:
ACLU.
Jeff:
What did I say?
Casey:
ALCU.
Jeff:
Oh, sorry. Well, they will go and represent people all the time…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Quietly, helping somebody out in a tough situation…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then they’re more than happy to talk about, “Well, we’re representing a White Supremist in Alabama.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. Now, first off, no Alabama dude is ever… You’re never gonna convince someone from the South to give the ACLU money.
Casey:
That’s probably true.
Jeff:
Right. You’re not trading… It’s not, “Ding dang, I’m gonna give them boys some money.”
Casey:
Yep. “Them ACLU boys are in quite a pickle.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“I’d like to see how they get out of this.”
Jeff:
Jumping a Prius…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
Right? Or some…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Fucked up…
Casey:
Yep…
Jeff:
You know, hydrogen bus…
Casey:
VW diesel…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Some biodiesel VW bus painted with peace signs, right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Jumping over the canyon.
Casey:
“This band’s a rocking. Don’t come a knocking.”
Jeff:
Right. So the thing is you’re not gonna get that, right? That vote…
Casey:
No, I agree.
Jeff:
So just do it. You need to do it. They need representation. That’s good that you do that. Just… There’s other people you can publicize. And then the worst…
Casey:
They do not control the spin very well, though.
Jeff:
No. Their spin control is bad news.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay. And then the 3rd, this is all coming up in the last 6 months and it’s killing me every time. It’s PETA.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Again, as a vegetarian…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
As an animal lover, I am basically…
Casey:
As an animal links lover…
Jeff:
As an animal links lover…
Casey:
As an animal testicle injury lover…
Jeff:
Yes, all that and more.
Casey:
Now, wait a minute. I’ve detected a conflict of interest.
Jeff:
Oh, dear.
Casey:
If PETA came out against animals getting kicked in the testicles, I’m gonna have to say that you would not support that position.
Jeff:
Wait, getting kicked in the testicles on purpose, I’m fine. It’s the accidental ones we can’t, like… We can’t have reparations…
Casey:
Okay. Right.
Jeff:
Say, for accidental… Because, if it happens, it happens.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
And if it happened to be caught on the tape, so much the better.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Okay. Continue.
Jeff:
However, their new thing is they wrote to Ben & Jerry's ice cream recently…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they said, “Dairy cows have a difficult life. They’re kept in pens,” right?
Casey:
Some do.
Jeff:
They’re pumped up with hormones so that they’re basically pregnant all the time because much milk is possible out of the animal in the shortest period of time.
Casey:
Right. Well, that depends. If you go out and you buy Organic Valley milk, then your cow was out in the field, eating grass. You can go fucking visit that cow if you want to.
Jeff:
Well, if you want to go visit and confirm as…
Casey:
You can.
Jeff:
Right. You should to make sure…
Casey:
If you are going and buying some shit ass fucking regular brand of milk, then yeah, your cows sucked.
Jeff:
I’m just saying dropping “organic” on it, not necessarily the best.
Casey:
No, that’s why I said… You notice I said “Organic Valley”. Not Horizon Farms, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright, Horizon milk, not so good.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I know my milks.
Jeff:
You may know your milks.
Casey:
I don’t drink milk, though. So it doesn’t matter.
Jeff:
Yes. Anyway, they came out and said, “This is a terrible situation for the cow,” right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And quite honestly, I worked on a farm when I was in high school, in the summer time, it’s no good for the farmer, either. I had to milk those cows. It’s no good for anybody. It’s not… That is a No Good situation.
Casey:
That’s it.
Jeff:
Anyway, the thing is they were like, “We have a solution to the problem.” And they suggested that Ben & Jerry's switched their milk in their recipes to human breast milk.
Casey:
Mmhmmm…
Jeff:
Okay? First off, what the fuckety fuck, right? Like, if you want me to, like… Just… That almost taints all ice cream just by quantum entanglement of the idea popping in their head…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
It’s fucked up ice cream for me.
Casey:
So Good/No Good on breast milk as an ingredient…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
You’re saying No Good?
Jeff:
No fucking… Breast milk, No Good. Just period. The concept is just completely No Good. So anyway…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
It is No Good.
Casey:
Are you human? You sucked out a breast when you were born.
Jeff:
No, I don’t want to think about that. I never want to think about that again.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Now, what I want to know…
Jeff:
So again, PETA, what the fuck?
Casey:
I am not so concerned with this. I am not so concerned with that at all. What I’m concerned about… I think there’s a much bigger… What’s the word I’m looking for here?
Jeff:
Breast?
Casey:
Offense that would be sort of… There’s a much bigger offense that Ben & Jerry's would perpetrate…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
On the American public…
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
Were they to switch to breast milk in their ice cream. And that is I know they would work that shit into their names somehow.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Booby Garcia?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly. It is exactly that kind of a thing. Like, I haven’t thought of exactly what it is. Like, “Nipples & Cream” or whatever…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, I don’t know what it would be but you’d get, like, every single…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Every single, like…
Jeff:
Areolas & Cream?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
No. None of that…
Casey:
It’d be, like, called “ReLACTS”, right?
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Or something like that.
Jeff:
PETA, seriously…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop throwing shit on people.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Stop having Pamela Anderson show up anywhere. Like, you shouldn’t… The full taint, right. Like, that’s no good. Don’t have Pamela Anderson show up anywhere where you talk about fucking breast milk.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You don’t want to entangle that, right? That’s No Good. So just stop it. So all these people… “Oh, I support. I’m behind your thing.” You’re fucking pissing me off. And the fact that you’re spending some amount of my money on these ridiculous press releases…
Casey:
Yep. Yep.
Jeff:
Is even more annoying. Just stop it. Shut the fuck up and do good. Stop bragging about the dumb shit you do. You do plenty of good stuff. Write about that. You don’t need to get this crazy… Because all that happens is then people think of you and go, “Yeah, they’re just as fucked up as we think.”
Casey:
Yep. Yeah, it confirms their suspicions about your organization.
Jeff:
Right. Right. It’s not the way it should go. So c’mon, you’re killing me here. You’re killing me.
Casey:
Now, to be fair, I’m imagining that the media, the super high quality information dissemination source that we have…
Jeff:
Here in America…
Casey:
In this world…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, everywhere, really…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m imagining that if PETA puts out a statement that’s like, “Here’s some really good shit we did for cows that are happy now and they live a good life…”
Jeff:
They’re like, “Boringgg…”
Casey:
That’s, like, page 62, right? You put out a, “We squeezed tits into the vat that we used to make ice cream,” they’re like, “Front page.”
Jeff:
Right. That’s probably true. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Pamela Anderson, alone, is sufficient for the factory in this… In Northern New Jersey… We don’t even need any other breast milk.
Casey:
Well, dude, you get breast implants, that doesn’t increase your milk production possibilities.
Jeff:
I don’t want to know.
Casey:
That’s not gonna help at all. That’s not gonna help one bit.
Jeff:
Are you saying she has fake breasts?
Casey:
I was insinuating. Yes.
Jeff:
Goddamn it. You’re ruining everything.
Casey:
Well, actually, here’s a good question. This is a question we can’t address on this podcast because you’d fucking pass out. But it’s, like, yeah, what determines the amount of lactation…
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
Like, you know, I have no idea. That’s a very good question. Is it roughly the same across all females? Is there, like, different volumes that can be produced, depending on various genetic or anatomical differences?
Jeff:
You know what?
Casey:
I don’t know. These are the kinds of questions that we would answer if Jeff could take it.
Jeff:
I can’t take it.
Casey:
I know you can’t.
Jeff:
This one time, one of the early partners in RAD… I went over to his house…
Casey:
Yeah, “Thanks for the Mammaries,” would that be a bad flavor?
Jeff:
Stop it. Was that just… You had, like, a backtrack cast.
Casey:
Yeah. I don’t know. It just came. Sorry. They might keep popping up.
Jeff:
10 minutes from now…
Casey:
Yeah, I know.
Jeff:
Hey, guys. Pussy & Cream. Oh, wait, that doesn't make sense. My bad.
Casey:
I was thinking Nookies & Cream but.. It's not really right. It's not quite right.
Jeff:
Oh, my God…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No. One of the early guys at RAD… This was when we were in Utah, he was [ LDS ] he had, like, 4 kids at the time. I went over to their house right after they had a new baby and I was just hanging out with him and talking and stuff like that. And they had one of these… You know those old style telephones that kind of have… They kind of look like the old ones where you pick up and go, “Operator, operator, operator… Dial 475.”
Casey:
You mean where it actually rests on the… It’s got, like, a little earpiece that rests…
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, no, just the end. It’s kind of a curved thing with a… It’s got kind of a cone like a megaphone that you kind of talk into…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Jeff:
So I was like, “Oh, where’d you get this?” And he’s like, “Dude, that’s a breast pump.” And that fucking…
Casey:
Oh, dude…
Jeff:
Killed me. That was, like, weeks before I got over that.
Casey:
You didn’t know what a breast pump looked like?
Jeff:
No. It’s really complicated. You think it would be a simple thing. No. It’s got attachments and gears…
Casey:
If only there was a way that, like, you pushed it and there was still some left in the tube and it squirted out…
Jeff:
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
Like, you’re about…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
You dial something up…
Jeff:
“Pork & Pumpkins”…
Casey:
Sorry. Sorry.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
Sorry.
Jeff:
Oh. Alright, everybody. That’s about enough from us.
Casey:
Are you sure?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You want to try and come up with some better flavors here?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
I’m looking at the list. Yeah…
Jeff:
So come by and see us on the forums. Please email us at Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
And we’d like to hear from everybody. We hear from people all over the world. So the farther away you are, the more likely you should feel like sending us emails because we like to hear where crazy people are listening to us.
Casey:
We like to believe that we have worldwide appeal.
Jeff:
Yes. We do have worldwide appeal. I think.
Casey:
Well, you know, I think…
Jeff:
Except for the thing where we were making fun of, you know, the Algerians…
Casey:
Well, and I think I just said something very close to do Indonesians have, you know, sorcerers as their judicial system…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which I’m guessing is not gonna go over huge in that market.
Jeff:
Yeah. I don’t think you should have any stopovers in Indonesia.
Casey:
No, probably not.
Jeff:
Right. Right. You can’t cast the…
Casey:
Never mind that if you asked me… If you handed me a completely blank map and said, “Draw the outline of Indonesia…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
That’s…
Casey:
There’s no way that’s going in the right place.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Okay? We could be hundreds, possibly thousands, of miles away from the actual location of Indonesia.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m telling you right now what it’s gonna be, okay. I would not be able to draw that outline because I have some idea of where Indonesia is. I would be able to draw an outline because I have some idea of where it isn’t.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’d basically just be filling in all the places I know where they are…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then going, “Well, it’s got to be in this blank area somewhere…”
Jeff:
Right, this area of the Pacific where I don’t know where…
Casey:
I have no fucking idea. I have no idea.
Jeff:
Guam-ish. Singapore-ish…
Casey:
Well, I know where fucking Singapore is.
Jeff:
I don’t.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
No. No clue.
Casey:
Malaysia?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Fuck it. Who knows? Could be anywhere.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Or Phuket, perhaps I should say while we’re in the Pacific…
Jeff:
Goddamn it.
Casey:
Sorry, I had to throw that one in there. See what I did there?
Jeff:
No. You’re trying to make up for this ice cream mishap. Alright, everybody. We will talk to you next week. And keep dropping us the emails. We enjoy all of them. Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Absolutely. What’s that email address again? Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
I always like to make sure we say it a few times. Because usually, at least one of the times you say it wrong.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So by saying it multiple times, it increases the chances that the listener will listen to one of them that happens to be right.
Jeff:
If you get a bounce, that means I said it wrong.
Casey:
Try a different one from that.
Jeff:
Try a different one.
Casey:
Go back and listen to the podcast.
Jeff:
Listen to Casey, no Jeff.
Casey:
I’ve said it wrong, too, I thought.
Jeff:
Really?
Casey:
I think.
Jeff:
I had one where we both said it wrong and I believe I went and extracted the right one from a previous podcast.
Casey:
You thought you would have to… Yeah, you’d have to go try and find an audio clip of us saying it right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And stick that on there.
Jeff:
JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Yes, exactly. “Send your emails to JeffAndCaseyShow.com and we’d love to hear from you.”
Jeff:
Totally. Alright, thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Alright, take it easy.
Jeff:
Okay, bye.
Jeff:
Fuck!
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 34
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