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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Learning to Love the Sweet Smell of Success
"I can see the diaper factory from my house."
Original air date: September 29th, 2008
Topics. Dharma. Right of First Recognizer. Silent but deadly. Congress works the weekend. Defecation. Quigly’s motorhome. Senate briefing room. Flatulence. Google. The Hilton conference room. Assault and battery. GMail. Safeway bagels. Smelt-it. GTalk. John McCain. Dealt-it. Mixed-up metaphors. Sarah Palin. Litigation.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
It is time for another exciting episode…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Of the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
This is the 3--…
Casey:
We’ve got a great show for you tonight.
Jeff:
We do.
Casey:
And by that, I mean that…
Jeff:
We have no plan.
Casey:
We completely to even have what is normally a nominal plan.
Jeff:
I know. We’ve both been working really busy this week. And so, it’s gonna be difficult to come up with funny stuff. And then, the entire economy is going in the shitter…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, like…
Casey:
It has not been a good week for that.
Jeff:
We have to bring a smile to our listeners’ faces.
Casey:
Well, I think much like what’s happening in our own government, you and I just spent 24 minutes trying to build consensus about what the topics of this show would be.
Jeff:
Right. And we failed.
Casey:
And we thought that we were getting closer to a show…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
And then suddenly, at the last minute, I just said, “Let’s just start the show,” right?
Jeff:
Yeah. “Let’s just go.”
Casey:
I was just like, “Let’s just go with it. Let’s go with a totally alternate plan, right?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And so now, we’re kind of left in a situation where nobody has any idea what the topics for the show are but we have a lot of things kind of scribbled down on paper…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So we’ll hope that maybe that is going to…
Jeff:
So basically, thanks for listening.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We’ll see you next week.
Casey:
Yes. We are going to stay through the weekend if that’s what it takes.
Jeff:
Right. I love how…
Casey:
Actually, can we… Let’s mention this for a second here.
Jeff:
Yeah. I…
Casey:
This was awesome, right? It’s like, normally, these are people who sit around, like, arguing for months over whether or not to pass a commendation for the Boy Scouts of America as to whether or not they’ve done a good job exemplifying public service or something, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And here, they’ve spent one week…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Discussing the most monumental invented crisis that has ever existed, right?
Jeff:
Right. Yep.
Casey:
And they’re getting out there to let us know that they intend to stay…
Jeff:
Through the weekend.
Casey:
All the way through Monday…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If that’s what it takes.
Jeff:
If that’s what’s necessary…
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
They might even come in on Sunday.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I mean, it’s crazy talk.
Casey:
Right. Absolutely.
Jeff:
I mean, do their computers even work on Sunday?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They probably don’t know. They’re like, “Who unlocks the doors?”
Casey:
Okay, first of all, they don’t use their computers.
Jeff:
That’s true. Right.
Casey:
I’m pretty sure about that because if any of these people knew how to use their computers, they would take the 12 seconds it would take to pull up infinite number of webpages talking about this problem…
Jeff:
That are freaking out, right…
Casey:
That have a lot more information than any of them have seemed to have indicated.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
So, no, I’m assuming this is much more like, you know…
Jeff:
It’s also bad to give any elected representative access to pornography on the job because…
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
I mean, as little that gets done in Washington…
Casey:
But it might actually be a good thing because maybe they’d stop having underage sex scandals if they could just freaking get some porn on the internet instead of, like…
Jeff:
Right. Just work it out?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. What I was gonna…
Jeff:
Those really high-back things when they have the Senators interviewing the people that come in and it’s a total power play, you know, where they have the Senate Hearings and they’re up on this… They’re raised up.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then the people that are speaking are down on little chairs on desks, looking up at them so the angle just makes them look weak and wimpy.
Casey:
I could not disagree more with you, Jeff.
Jeff:
You like it?
Casey:
I could not disagree with you more because here’s what happens. Yes, the room is sort of set up that way.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s the United States fucking government, okay, the room looks like the conference room at the fucking Hilton, alright. It’s got this disgusting blue carpet. The walls haven’t been washed. It’s weirdly proportioned, okay. There’s 50 seats up there…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
4 of which are filled.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s like, the dudes come in. They’re like, “Oh, I’m getting grilled by the Spanish Inquisition but only, like, 1 of the 3 guys showed up. So obviously, it’s not that important. No one’s paying attention.” The press is sitting on the ground in front of the podiums…
Jeff:
Yep. Looking up. I know.
Casey:
Squatting there with… It’s like… It looks like some rinky-dink… I mean, I have been to computer game conferences before with vastly superior seating and recording than the United States government. So as far as I’m concerned, when some dude walks in to testify, it’s not like one of those architectural, like, courthouse things, the magisterium of the government and you’re meant to…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, no, it’s like, “Uh, where’s the croissant tray?” Right? “Where’s the dried up croissant tray and the shitty orange juice?”
Jeff:
No, there’s a copy machine plugged in the background…
Casey:
Yeah, in the back of the room. And bagels…
Jeff:
Like, percolating…
Casey:
Fucking dry ass bagels with the little plastic knife and some cream cheese…
Jeff:
And the bagel…
Casey:
It’s like, “That’s what I’m thinking.
Jeff:
The bagels come from, like, Safeway. They’re not good…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re in a loose plastic bag, right.
Casey:
Right. Yeah. There’s basically no difference between… Like, if I had to testify in Capitol Hill, it’d be like going to the Hilton.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, that’s what I’m thinking of it, right. No, but I want to say something before about the other thing…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Which is the…
Jeff:
You forgot…
Casey:
You were saying about the staying through the weekend thing, right.
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
In my mind, that’s more like you come home, right. You come back to your house, you know, and the baby is gone, right. The baby is missing. Your 2-year old…
Jeff:
What are you talking about?
Casey:
Is not there, right. And the babysitter’s like, “Okay, that’s a good point. The baby is gone and this is very serious. But you know what, I’m going to stay here for another 4 or 5 hours to see if we can locate the baby.”
Jeff:
To try to find the… Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “I’m kind of expecting, at this point, that you are on-board until the baby is found…
Jeff:
Is found… Not nece--…
Casey:
No timeline necessary, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I should not have to worry about whether or not you’re gonna bail before we locate the baby that you lost, right.
Jeff:
Dude, if McCain stays up any longer… Like, he needs to get his 16 hours of sleep at night, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
He’s a cranky motherfucker if he gets up. He’s gotta have his schedule, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He gets confused if he stays up too long.
Casey:
He gets confused. Period.
Jeff:
Well, that’s true.
Casey:
I think is the thing with McCain, right? He is just like… He has no idea what’s going on. Now, the difference between McCain and the Vice President he picked, Sarah Palin there… They’re basically the same in terms of level of understanding of what’s going on around them at any given time…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But the difference is he talks slowly and she talks fast. So what ends up happening is if you ask John McCain something, you get this really slow answer that basically amounts to “I don’t know”. Whereas with Sarah Palin, you ask her a question, you get 50 things that were, like, unrelated.
Jeff:
Unrelated to what you’re saying…
Casey:
They all spill out.
Jeff:
Yeah, just words.
Casey:
Right? They’re like, “Hey, so we came back here. We left you with the 2-year old. We came back. 2-year old is not there anymore. You have any idea where you put the baby?” And she’s like, “Well, you know, the important thing is changing the diaper ‘cos if the diaper’s not on, then you know there’s gonna be a lot of chafing back there that can happen. I don’t know if you’ve seen, in Alaska, we have diapers and they’re not biodegradable. And I know that’s a big issue with some people but it’s important ’cos not everyone can afford diapers. And the diaper business is gonna be in trouble if we don’t figure out how to get everyone on the same page.” It’s like, “What the fuck are you… There is a missing baby. Where is the baby? I don’t care about the diapers.”
Jeff:
Right. Putin may have come here and stolen the baby.
Casey:
“I can see the diaper factory from my house.” Great. Fabulous. It’s like…
Jeff:
Yep. Right. “Where’s the fucking baby?”
Casey:
I don’t know… Yeah, exactly. “I don’t really care where your house is. It’s not that relevant to me.”
Jeff:
I think their experience levels are basically the same but I think they come at it from a different way. McCain is forgetting all the shit that he’s experienced for the last 10 years or 20 years…
Casey:
Right. 30 years, 40 years…
Jeff:
Right. With Palin… Never has learned it.
Casey:
Right. So there’s nothing there.
Jeff:
So they have the basic level…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But they’re coming at it from opposite ends.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And they’re gonna meet somewhere in the middle…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Of incompetence.
Casey:
Somewhere in John McCain’s life, he probably had an experience that would inform him well on this issue.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Can’t remember it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Has no idea what happened. Right? No clue.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Palin has never had the experience because, you know, hey, when you got a house with 3 acres in the back and deer…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What could you possibly need to leave for, right?
Jeff:
Right, exactly. You’re done.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. I liked when they interviewed Bill Clinton and he’s like, “I can see why they like her…”
Casey:
Oh, no. No. Are you serious?
Jeff:
And then he goes on…
Casey:
Are you serious?
Jeff:
Bill is gonna hit that multiple times.
Casey:
Yep. Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s like…
Casey:
If he hasn’t already.
Jeff:
No, like, he’s going back to the White House…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s gonna have more action…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is awesome.
Jeff:
You can’t even make it up and he actually said it.
Casey:
They, like, asked Bill Clinton… He’s like, “Where was she when I needed a VP?”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly. It’s awesome. Oh, my God. How do we get on this?
Casey:
She’d be like…
Jeff:
We were supposed to be…
Casey:
You know what, Bill Clinton would probably say something like, you know, “We have a wonderful internship program for you if the VP thing doesn’t work out.”
Jeff:
Right. “You know, all the ex-Presidents, you know, we have this…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“We have this little hazing we like to do.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Come on over here. Everybody does it.
Casey:
Yeah. Cubans… So… Sorry, what… You were about to chastise me for going off-topic.
Jeff:
I was just gonna say, like, we need to bring happiness to our listeners’ lives ‘cos everybody’s depressed. Dave was like, “Don’t you dare talk about the economy. It’s so depressing.”
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yes. So we need to lighten it up.
Casey:
But by turning the economic situation into a joke, haven’t we perhaps done that lightening? Aren’t we lightening it in much the same way that one removes fat from the milk by skimming it off the top and then making a joke about it?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. What else are we gonna talk about today?
Casey:
Well, I don’t know. That was kind of where I was going with that.
Jeff:
That was it?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s all you got?
Casey:
Well, you gave me this flyer here…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah from the Thai…
Casey:
That you wanted me to read to you.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s from the…
Casey:
Now, where did you get this flyer? Because you seem to be… Why do you have so many religious flyers all of a sudden?
Jeff:
That one, I just happened to pick up. Sean, Jean, and I went to a Thai restaurant…
Casey:
Oh, yeah?
Jeff:
And it had this…
Casey:
Which one?
Jeff:
What was it? Do you remember? I don’t remember. Sean’s here…
Casey:
Of course…
Jeff:
Our live studio audience again. And yeah, I can’t remember what it was called but they had a whole bunch of brochures in the front. I just snagged one. I read the first couple pages and it was kind of funny.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, I got to the 3rd page later on when I was back. I was noticed it was still in my pocket a few days later. That’s pretty awesome.
Casey:
Well, I’ll go ahead and read that for you here.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So that our listeners can share…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, I have no idea what the context is because I’ve only looked at the section that you’ve outlined.
Jeff:
Yes. Well…
Casey:
So I’m just gonna go ahead and read that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And let’s assume… I guess I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that they somehow set this up to make sense. I can’t imagine how but let’s assume that they did.
Jeff:
It’s important that we bring religions from around the world. And by “bring religions”…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I mean, we’re not just gonna make fun of the Christians…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Because, let’s face it, right…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
There is an entire world to mock.
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
If we limit ourselves to the 400 million Christians in the world…
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
We would really leave all of the 2 billion…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yes. You have a very good point there because simply because Jewish people and Christian people are the only people who are actively causing problems in the country right now doesn’t mean that it’s… That’s just because there’s a lot of them, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like just because there aren’t a bunch of Hindu people here causing problems…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Doesn’t mean that they might not be, if they had more numbers, right? You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Right. If there were a lot of Buddhists here, they’d be like, “Mandatory head shaving…”
Casey:
Who knows? Right. Who knows?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It could be anything. Mandatory vegetarianism, not that you have a problem with that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So I’ll go ahead and read this out loud now.
Jeff:
Being able to write off [inaudible 11:35]
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That kind of thing…
Casey:
“If we go to take a bath, it’s exactly the same. From the first second, it’s duty. It’s [ Dama ].” Now, I don’t know what [ Dama ] is…
Jeff:
Duty and [ Dama ]. He’s trying to say it’s the same thing.
Casey:
Okay. But what is [ Dama ]?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But it’s the same thing.
Casey:
But it’s the same as duty. So we don’t need to know.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We know what duty is…
Jeff:
We know what duty is.
Casey:
So there we go.
Jeff:
So there it is.
Casey:
“We are contented with doing it as well and correctly as possible. Satisfied every moment of bathing…” Is this grammatically correct? “Satisfied every moment of bathing means one is happy the whole time of bathing which is something that foolish, careless people cannot do.”
Jeff:
Right. If you’re foolish…
Casey:
I read that correctly?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“One must know this oneself but whoever thinks about it…”
Jeff:
Of course, right.
Casey:
“We continue…”
Jeff:
Like, if you can’t enjoy the podcast, for example…
Casey:
This is not a native English speaker, okay. Let’s get that out of the way. There’s no way that this was not translated by someone who had only a passing familiarity with English.
Jeff:
Or he went to public school.
Casey:
That’s possible.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“We continue in the toilet as we defecate or urinate, duties we must do for we will die if we don’t.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, that is correct.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You can have a ruptured bladder if you do not urinate…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Frequently enough.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’m with them on that one.
Jeff:
On that duty…
Casey:
“So we do our best and are satisfied. Contentment is knowing we are correct in defecating and urinating.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s wrong…
Casey:
So if, for example, right, you’re one of these people with the fucked up childhood and you thought that was pure, concentrated evil coming out the back of you, right?
Jeff:
Yes, which it is…
Casey:
Then, you might be embarrassed about that.
Jeff:
Which it is…
Casey:
Yeah, like Jeff, for example.
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
But what they’re saying here is you should be satisfied, right, when you take a crap that you have done something essential to your survival.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Being happy with it.
Casey:
It is every bit, if not more, good for you…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
As, say, for example getting a promotion at your job…
Jeff:
Right. Rescuing a baby…
Casey:
Rescuing a baby…
Jeff:
From a fire…
Casey:
Because you could die… So you’re perpetuating the species by taking a crap.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And I am fully behind them on it. “Make it satisfying and correct, then there will be joy the entire time one defecates and urinates.” Now, I stand by it because I personally do enjoy that process.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And I am 100% in favor…
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Of that whole concept because you have to do it…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Like they say, it’s satisfying…
Jeff:
I don’t want to know about it.
Casey:
It is a religious experience…
Jeff:
Not always.
Casey:
Okay. It is part of the cycle of life. And you should be happy. You should be having a good time in there.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You know, pamper yourself. Pamper yourself. Get a padded toilet seat.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
If that’s what you like, right?
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
Bring in some reading material.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Take out that iPhone or the Nintendo DS, you know, take some “you time”, alright?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
To enjoy that moment…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Of survival, if you will…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
That you are doing every time you enter the bathroom stall, public or private.
Jeff:
No. Because then, you’re just soaking in your own aroma. It’s like, take…
Casey:
That is the aroma of success, okay.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
That is the aroma of success.
Jeff:
Stop it. I don’t like that success. And that is aroma fail. Stop it.
Casey:
I’m just saying, you should learn to love the sweet smell of success…
Jeff:
Stop it. You’re killing me. Stop it. You’re killing me here. You’re so close to a “Pork & Pumpkins”.
Casey:
Okay. Anyway…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“Fools cannot do it because fools do not act with such a heart.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“Thus they suffer the entire time they are defecating and urinating.”
Jeff:
Stop it. How much more is there? I’m mad that I even brought this. I don’t like it.
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
Are you a fool? Are you suffering every moment of your defecation?
Jeff:
You sound like you’re selling something.
Casey:
Are you?
Jeff:
“Are you suffering from foolish behavior?”
Casey:
I’m trying to help you.
Jeff:
“You, the [inaudible 15:42]”
Casey:
I’m trying to help you here.
Jeff:
No. No, you’re not helping me. I don’t like any of this. This is No Good.
Casey:
Do you have, like, some kind of weird S&M toilet problem…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Where, like, it hurts for you…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
And it’s like, “No, I gotta get out. The smell is bad…” Alright.
Jeff:
Do your evil business and move on, people. Stop wasting your life in the bathroom. Ugh, I don’t like it.
Casey:
Well, I guess you’re not gonna be a very successful Buddhist, then.
Jeff:
I guess not.
Casey:
Sorry.
Jeff:
Oh, damn it.
Casey:
So on a related note…
Jeff:
Oh, my God…
Casey:
To this, actually…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
Don’t say no because you sent me this story.
Jeff:
Uh-oh… What’s the story?
Casey:
This was a news story from you to me.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And the title of the story… I’m simply reading… I’m going to read the headline.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It is…
Jeff:
You’re not exaggerating.
Casey:
I’m not… This is not a headline I wrote. This is a headline from the actual news story. And it says, “Man Farts at Officer, Charged with Battery”.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay? So, you know, apparently somebody used… It was determined that the flatulence was an attack.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Was a physical act of aggression…
Jeff:
Assault…
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And not simply something that occurred…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
During a routine procedure here.
Jeff:
Well, read the part where the officer describes said incident.
Casey:
Well, this is a very short article so I can read it in its entirety.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it says, “After being pulled over for driving with his car’s headlights off, the gentleman pictured here failed a sobriety test and was arrested for drunk driving. While being booked at the police station Jose Cruz then allegedly moved closer to one of the officers and passed gas, the station reported.”
Jeff:
God…
Casey:
“In the complaint, the investigating officer wrote that police noticed a ‘very strong’ odor. As a result, Mr. Cruz was charged with battery.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, I for one have a… I have a huge problem…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
With this if this is actually true.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
With the police conduct here, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because obviously, the person was a minority, alright.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So there’s already… I think there’s a racial issue…
Jeff:
Issue here…
Casey:
Going on here, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So they are looking for a reason to arrest this person.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now…
Jeff:
Based on…
Casey:
Normally, right, let’s say that the tables were turned here, right. Let’s say that he was being arrested for drunk driving, okay…
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
And instead of performing a field sobriety test or a Breathalyzer, something that’s got a calibrated, known methodology that has been tested…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They instead said, “He smelled too drunk to me. He smelled ‘very drunk’.”
Jeff:
Okay. Right.
Casey:
Right? That’s not gonna fly in the court of law, okay?
Jeff:
Okay. Aside from that…
Casey:
Yet here…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Here, what we are saying is it is purely the subjective opinion…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Of the officers involved that this fart was strong enough to cause…
Jeff:
Battery.
Casey:
Physical injury.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
I have a couple problems with this.
Casey:
That is totally subjective.
Jeff:
Yes. Right.
Casey:
I don’t see how that can stand up.
Jeff:
Well, okay. So first off, it’s important to note that, as been proven in many prior cases, “the one who has smelt it usually has also dealt it”, right?
Casey:
Well, okay. I think you’re referring to California versus Mackenzie, right?
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
But it’s important to know…
Jeff:
That was the important case.
Casey:
Well, that was…
Jeff:
That was the established precedence.
Casey:
Yes. That was the established precedence. That was the first time that they had actually gone and tried to… It was called the McGovern test, right, because the judge specifically said that in order to determine the dealing of the fart, in order to… You have to go through a set of criteria, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
First of all, the person who first recognizes the flatulence, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It has to have been the First Recognizer, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s called the Right of First Recognizer.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And if you can prove that the person was the first one to identify a change in the odor in the room or the smell in the room, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Then that, you’ve passed the McGovern test…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For smelling it, right?
Jeff:
Right. But now you can’t…
Casey:
Now… But wait…
Jeff:
But now you cannot blame him yet. It can only be alleged.
Casey:
That’s exactly my point.
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
So that is the only thing that that case proved was that that was a criteria for establishing “smelt it”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, that does not imply “dealt it”. And that is a common, I think, misconception among people when they go to trial for these sorts of things…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or they read the news… They assume that it was just established that, “Oh, if you smelt it, then you dealt it.” But no, that case was more about determining the smelt.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
The person… Right.
Casey:
Than… Yeah. And the dealt is still very much up in the air.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, I know that one of the things… This is what I talked about.
Jeff:
Well, that’s why it’s so important, this next election…
Casey:
That’s exactly what I was gonna say. Right now, you’ve got basically a 4/5 split on dealt, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’ve got 4 Justices in there who are absolutely of the opinion that “if you smelt it, then you dealt it”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, they are just… We are one seat away from it just being you smell a fart… In this country, you wouldn’t be able to even say that you smell the fart, right, without you immediately being just assumed guilty, right, until proven innocent.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Which is not the way our country works. So one seat away from that, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The other 5 Justices, they have in the past, in a certain… Depends on the situation…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? I think, like…
Jeff:
More understanding.
Casey:
Right. Texas versus Roberts, in fact, was a perfect example of that, right, where the Supreme Court came down and said, “Well, we agree that in this case, we’re not gonna overturn this case on grounds that we don’t believe that the person dealt the fart. We believe that it is probably likely that this person did deal it,” right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But they’re like, “But all that you succeeded in doing was showing smelt.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You established smelt…
Jeff:
But not dealt.
Casey:
But you failed… Not dealt. And they said, “No, send that back to the Circuit Courts.”
Jeff:
Exactly. Yeah.
Casey:
And I think that was the right decision.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But in 2 years, you know, if McCain wins…
Jeff:
It could be all over…
Casey:
I mean, he’s an avid smelter, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, he’s smelt… Every time…
Jeff:
He’s, like, 70 years old. And my grandpa, let me just say…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. It was bad news. Like, that Oval Office…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Well, this is the interesting part, right, too is House 2607, right, was about this very much, right? The Smelt It Dealt It Clause that they tried to sneak in an otherwise innocent appropriations bill, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, that was all him.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I mean, I don’t think you can reasonably expect him to be unbiased when he goes and picks someone, right…
Jeff:
Well…
Casey:
And they’ve got a lot of code words, you know. When they interview a judge, they don’t say, “Do you think that if someone smelt it, that they dealt it?” Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They don’t say that, right?
Jeff:
But they also…
Casey:
They use these secret code phrases like they say stuff like, “How do you think that nasal issues play into your decision as a…”
Jeff:
Guilt or non-guilt…
Casey:
Guilty or not guilty, right? “Do you think that smell has a lot to do with innocence or guilt?” Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But people know what they’re talking about, right? They all know in the room what they’re talking about. They just don’t want to make it blatant.
Jeff:
They can’t make it blatant.
Casey:
Right. They can’t make it blatant.
Jeff:
That’s the problem.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s just a dirty, dirty game.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It stinks.
Jeff:
It stinks. You beat me to it. I was ready for that one…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you beat me to it.
Casey:
Sorry.
Jeff:
You know, I don’t like when they always attach those little riders to the bills. You know, those last remarks where they just, like, attach…
Casey:
Yeah, they just stick some things in. Right.
Jeff:
Yep. Right. They claimed it was battery, right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And there’s battery and then there’s assault and then there’s… What’s the next one up from assault? It’s like…
Casey:
Aggravated assault.
Jeff:
Aggravated assault. So I would like to talk to these officers and ask, like… So, he kind of slid over to them…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Something happened. They couldn’t identify it was him but they assumed, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then, that’s battery?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That’s, like, the least.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So, like, what happens to get assault? What has to go on there, right?
Casey:
That’s… I think that’s if you pull the…
Jeff:
Like, maybe if they were going up the stairs and the claimant was…
Casey:
If you got… Yeah. Ass to head level…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is gonna be that…
Jeff:
That’s assault.
Casey:
It’s assault, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And I think one thing that was not… Now, I noticed that particularly for this one…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And this is something that I feel like… I hope this guy has a good defense attorney ‘cos he’s gonna be able to point this out, right. And that is that the officers did not, at any time, specify that they heard this fart.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay? So that means, we are dealing entirely with the Silent but Deadly Section of the Penal Code, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that… There’s a lot more… There’s a much higher standard of proof…
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
When you’re into that…
Jeff:
Associated with that… Right.
Casey:
Right. Associated with that, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Because that’s kind of the circumstantial evidence version, if you will, right? It’s like, nobody… Because one of the things that’s typically the case, right… I mean, when you go through the proceedings for something like this, the very first thing they’re gonna do… I mean, probably almost before they even get to trial, like, even almost in the pre-trial hearings and in the testimonies and all that stuff… They’re going to be trying to establish the TOF which is the Time of Fart, okay. And that is when there’s a sound, when there’s a distinct fart noise. It’s very eas--… Sometimes that’s even picked up by radio.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they can enter into evidence, right, “Dispatch, here’s a little…” You know, a little… On the radio.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And they know. They can correlate that and say, “Here’s when the fart occurred. And that’s very important. Without that, we are definitely in the Silent but Deadly territory…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And at that point, it’s almost impossible to really fix that TOF.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because sometimes you get one…
Jeff:
Because you need the timeline, right?
Casey:
Some are very slow to materialize, okay. Sometimes, you’ll find that the fart actually happened considerably before the officers notices or anyone else notices, okay? And the only person who may really know the Time of Fart is 5th Amendment-protected, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He doesn’t say… I’m sorry. Jose Cruz does not have to go on the stand…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And answer questions about when he ripped this one, right? You know?
Jeff:
Right. He’s kind of… He can’t answer to incriminate himself.
Casey:
You can’t say, “Oh, man. Did you cut one?” Right?
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
I mean, an officer will sometimes try to do that, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’ll try to kind of slip it around. They read the Miranda Rights before, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Before, when they got out of the car…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Why don’t you just this piece of paper where you apologize?
Casey:
He may not know… Yeah, yeah. He may not know that he doesn’t have to say yes he ripped one, no he didn’t. And I think that’s, again, a pretty dirty thing that the cops do — Trying to get you to admit that you dealt it…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
When you don’t really know that you’re… You’re protected. You don’t have to say that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You don’t have to admit to that.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
You know…
Jeff:
So we’re just looking out for our listeners.
Casey:
Yeah. Now, on the other hand, I will say that if this was actually a legitimate drunk driving arrest, then this may have been a beer fart. And that case, unless the officers were also drunk, he is gonna have a tough time trying to argue that someone let that one go. Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s a lot of community service.
Casey:
So we’ll see. But I hope the best for him.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I hate to see someone…
Jeff:
Jose Cruz sounds like the most made-up name. Like, that’s a name where you just… You have to give a name and that’s the one you come up with.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“Jose Cruz?”
Casey:
Yeah, John Smith…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. That skated on the edge of a “Pork & Pumpkins” the entire time for me.
Casey:
The whole time?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But by couching it in legal language, I was able to keep it…
Jeff:
You kept it…
Casey:
Keep it clean?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Keep it fresh?
Jeff:
Stop it. So Casey, I wanted to talk about this fellow named Dennis Quigley.
Casey:
It’s a great name, for starters.
Jeff:
Yes, it is. It’s like a Dickensonian name. So Dennis Quigley, he owns a motor home, you know, like a lot of fine Americans do and, like…
Casey:
Is this a person you know? Or is this… What is this?
Jeff:
A lot of fine Americans will. It’s just a story I read.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And he woke up one morning…
Casey:
A mobile home would actually be a really good… I’m surprised they haven’t proposed that as a solution to our economic problems because if everyone had a mobile home, they could move it around and count it as multiple assets. And banks would love that. They’d be like…
Jeff:
They need the multiple addresses?
Casey:
Yes. The appraiser… Whenever the appraiser is going to go somewhere, they move the home over to that lot…
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
And then, like, “Ah, there’s another house there. I see it’s fine.”
Jeff:
“It looks pretty good.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, he had a motor home and he was sleeping, resting inside on vacation. Hears some noises outside… And he rushed out to see and there was a man trying to siphon all his gasoline away.
Casey:
That’s no good.
Jeff:
Because gasoline is expensive, right?
Casey:
Now, explain the siphoning process for myself and the listeners…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because I don’t really know how that works.
Jeff:
I’ve done this before and it’s terrible, right. Now, what happens when you siphon is you have a hose…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You stick it in the gas tank ‘til it’s into the gasoline.
Casey:
The gas tank with the gasoline that you’re trying to siphon?
Jeff:
That you’re trying to steal. Borrow, as it were…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So you then, like a straw, suck on the hose until you get the gasoline up to the top, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Then you kinda pinch it and you hold it down lower than the gas tank and then gravity pulls the gas that’s at the end of the pipe out which sucks more gas in and it just sits there. So you have to prime it…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
And then it just siphons out until you have all the gas.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
Okay. So gasoline’s expensive now, especially for… You’re riding around in a motor home getting 5 miles a gallon…
Casey:
That’s right, motor homes were probably very hard hit by this.
Jeff:
Right. So fortunately for Dennis, the thief had not placed the hose down the gas tank. He had accidentally put it into the sewage tank.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
Yes. So the noises he heard was not the sounds of his gasoline being stolen but the sounds of the thief retching on the ground, puking over and over and over again.
Casey:
Now, wait a second. Let’s back up here.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
How do you uncork the sewer line and not know long before you stick a straw in it? What is going on there that you’re like, “Gosh, this gasoline must be really high octane…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What are you thinking at that point?
Jeff:
I think your late-night stealing gasoline from a motor home. . .
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
You’re just trying to get it done quickly.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Move on…
Casey:
Now, are you sure that he wasn’t trying to siphon shit?
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
Maybe he needed fertilizer for his farm or something.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s stretching. Well, Dennis ran him and he called a police and they ran over there.
Casey:
Why would you call the police when someone’s emptying your sewage tank for you?
Jeff:
Well, he wasn’t meaning to empty the sewage tank. He was worried about this crazy man, like, his health at this point. They call the police…
Casey:
Oh, so he was actually calling an ambulance for him? He’s like, “I think this crook may die from sucking my sewage.”
Jeff:
Yes. “We’re a little worried…” Yes. And it turns out that the police did not actually charge them. They exercised restraint and said he had suffered enough.
Casey:
I think that probably whatever the state-meted punishment is for that crime, it is probably not as bad as sucking shit.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So… Yep.
Casey:
Which I actually something that you only have to buy a Microsoft product to do…
Jeff:
To experience the glory.
Casey:
Yes. Okay. So as you know, Jeff, although you are absolutely enamored with your iPhone…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I am not so enamored because, frankly, I do not like iPhone very much.
Jeff:
You won’t buy into it and try it.
Casey:
Well, I’ve tried yours and I don’t like it. I don’t like that crazy keyboard thing.
Jeff:
You’re crazy.
Casey:
And the thing is with the iPhone, everyone… Every single iPhone user that I know, they’re like, “No, no. You get used to it after a week.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So then I go, “Okay. Dictate. I’m gonna say something to you, you type it in.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I say something at the sped that I know that I can go ahead and just type this in on my Treo, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I can even do the typing on the Treo at the same time if you want me to prove it, right? And then, they turn the screen around and it’s like… There isn’t even any actual English on the freaking screen.
Jeff:
No. No.
Casey:
It’s like, no. You don’t get used to it.
Jeff:
Listen.
Casey:
It just takes a week for you guys to stop caring because you like spinning your goddamn icons around and tilting the screen.
Jeff:
Yeah, baby.
Casey:
Right? That’s what it’s about, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s a total, like, sizzle over meat thing.
Jeff:
You’re, like, in the past with your text and your letters.
Casey:
I just want to actually be able to do work on my phone…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
That apparently is totally out of the question, right?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
But Google…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Has decided that they may actually try to provide me with a service that’s actually useful by creating this new Android thing, right…
Jeff:
I love that you’re excited about something Google’s gonna do but keep going.
Casey:
Yes, I know. Because now, I’ll be able to use my Gmail and Gtalk from my phone. So I was pretty into this. I thought this was gonna be exciting.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, I don’t think this… The latest phone looks kind of like a pooper, a little bit. So I don’t think I’ll be buying on the first round…
Jeff:
I’m just saying, you’re gonna have text ads…
Casey:
That may be true.
Jeff:
Right…
Casey:
Google may spam the shit out of me.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For having this phone…
Jeff:
The phone’s gonna be in Beta for years.
Casey:
Right. Oh, well, forever…
Jeff:
The G-Phone Beta…
Casey:
Gmail’s still in Beta…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I think… Technically, right?
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Yeah. The only thing that’s not Beta is their search, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is there anything else that they’ve ever un-Beta’d? I don’t know.
Jeff:
The search is not in Beta anymore. It’s considered real at this point.
Casey:
Yeah, I think so. Anyway, point being…
Jeff:
Good for them. This is their 10-year anniversary. Fuck.
Casey:
But because I’m interested in this, to see if they deliver a phone that will actually be something that I want…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because right now, there literally isn’t anything for me to upgrade my Treo to.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Like, I can’t get another phone and I would like another phone at some point because my battery’s starting to die, you know.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So anyway, I’ve been reading the press about the latest phone to see if I can find out kind of what this first one has and so on and how it’s being received. And I came across another one of these mixed up metaphor problems. I’m starting to think that tech marketing people are somehow genetically predisposed to be incapable of maintaining a single metaphor…
Jeff:
Throughout the sentence…
Casey:
In a paragraph.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. Or, yeah, or even a single sentence, sometimes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It depends… Certainly not per paragraph but sometimes, yes, not even a single sentence. So here, I will read a quote from an article about the latest, the G1…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
By an analyst…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For the tech industry where he said, “I don’t think it’s an iPhone killer. As long as Apple continues to innovate and create good user experiences and sexy devices, there’s always a place for that.”
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
“If the mobile phone market is 3 billion units and Apple has 15 million, they are a pimple on the mobile phone landscape.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
“There will always be room for a pimple on the landscape. Google is playing for the rest of the enchilada.”
Jeff:
Ugh…
Casey:
So, I don’t really know where to start with that because first of all…
Jeff:
That’s the worst enchilada I’ve ever had…
Casey:
Landscapes don’t have pimples, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So you’re already kind of waxing poetic there if you’re going to describe something on the landscape as a pimple.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, normally, that would probably be okay if it was in a context where you weren’t already a metaphor.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
If you’re talking about an actual landscape…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you wanted to describe something as a pimple, that makes some sense.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Right? We’re kind of getting… Pushing it a little bit if we’re already…
Jeff:
Like this big smoke stack…
Casey:
Right, whatever…
Jeff:
It’s a pimple on Kirkland.
Casey:
Yeah, who knows, right? Yeah.
Jeff:
Right, because something is…
Casey:
Or Kirkland is a pimple. Period.
Jeff:
Stop it. But you’re saying that at least it’s grounded in something…
Casey:
Something. Right.
Jeff:
That you’re implying some degree of symbolism towards.
Casey:
Right. Here, we already have the landscape. There is no actual landscape. It’s a metaphor in and of itself for the cell phone…
Jeff:
It’s, like, symbolic…
Casey:
Industry…
Jeff:
Symbolism. Right.
Casey:
The pimple is Apple. Apple is the pimple, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And then, here comes Google, right. And just so that you understand the situation, you have a landscape with a pimple. Google comes along. And what does Google want to do? They want to have the whole enchilada.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, where was the enchilada?
Jeff:
Right, that’s… It kinda comes out of nowhere…
Casey:
Where is the enchilada? Is there a shack on this landscape somewhere that’s selling enchiladas out the back? Is the whole world an enchilada and the landscape that we previously thought was actual land was actually just the back of the enchilada?
Jeff:
Yes. Right. The landscape is…
Casey:
And the pimple is like a black bean that’s poking out through the…
Jeff:
Stop it. Ew!
Casey:
Or something… Like, what is happening here?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
I’m not sure what I’m meant to be picturing happening.
Jeff:
So the enchilada is symbolizing the world market for cell phones. We’re just reviewing here. The landscape is symbolizing the enchilada, I guess…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right? And then, the pimple… Somehow, they have some acne-ridden enchilada…
Casey:
Yeah. Evidently.
Jeff:
Which Apple somehow caused a rash.
Casey:
Apparently.
Jeff:
Wow. All in one little paragraph.
Casey:
Now, the best part is that while Google is not a word, Apple is. So already had a food problem going on, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We already had a situation where we’re gonna be using words that relate to food that aren’t actually part of the metaphor.
Jeff:
Right. He could’ve said something like, “Google wants the whole tree and Apple can be just one fruit on a branch,” or something. They could’ve done something.
Casey:
Yeah. You have a future in this business if that’s where you’re going with that. Right. No. My point is don’t use a food metaphor because you’ve already got businesses that have food-related names. It’s confusing.
Jeff:
I see. You wanted something completely different?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Okay. Do you want to give me an example of that, mass marketer?
Casey:
Well, if you wanted to say that there was a landscape, just say that Apple is one city on the landscape and Google wants the whole country.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Done.
Jeff:
Very good.
Casey:
Right? It’s not… I don’t care what metaphor you pick, okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Just make sure that it’s only one metaphor. And if you could, if the company itself has a name which is already involved in a metaphor…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or in its imagery…
Jeff:
So if you said, like…
Casey:
Don’t pick that thing. Don’t pick that category.
Jeff:
So Apple is the Big Apple and Google is the State.
Casey:
You’re fired. Or you’re hired, actually. These people would love you, you know. You come out there and you’re like, you know, “Apple is the Big Apple but it’s more like an orange in a giant grove where everyone decides that it’s time to tank up with diesel.” And you’re like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like…
Jeff:
That’s my favorite one.
Casey:
Well, that’s what they’re saying. That’s not weirder than what they’re saying. You remember the Microsoft guy with the “giant is sleeping”, “put the best foot forward”…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“We need to re-have the conversation”… They’re just spouting these words…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I don’t know what they think that they’re saying.
Jeff:
I feel like they’re on a freeway. They have, like, Exit-200 in mind…
Casey:
Shit’s passing by, yeah.
Jeff:
And they either drive past or take an exit only…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then end up in some strange town where they just have to, like, talk their way out of it.
Casey:
I think that it’s probably like… It’s the mental equivalent of a stutter, these metaphors, is what they’ve become, right? It’s like, you know, normally, I might say like, “Oh, oh, oh… Okay,” right? And I stutter for a second or something while I’m gathering my words, right?
Jeff:
They just spit something out.
Casey:
Instead, with them, it’s like they just say some phrase…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it doesn’t… So the reason that it doesn’t go with the next phrase is because they were trying to think of what the next phrase should be.
Jeff:
I see. I see.
Casey:
So pimple in the landscape just popped out of their mouth, you know, much like a pimple, right?
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
And then, they were really trying to say that Google is playing for the rest of the market and enchilada was the first thing that… You know, it’s just coming out. Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s the shit just popping out.
Casey:
We’ll call it Palin-ization.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right? That’ll be the new term for it. When you’re trying to say something and instead, you just say a whole bunch of random shit that you’ve heard before that someone told you was good or that you thought was good…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But it doesn’t actually have anything to do with what you’re saying and isn’t coherent.
Jeff:
And it gets all mixed up.
Casey:
And it gets all mixed up.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Shoot moose.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
Actually, that would be great, right? Sarah Palin metaphors for a lot of these situations…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, you know, the iPhone is like, you know… It’s just a field mouse, right, but Google wants to shoot the whole…
Jeff:
Moose…
Casey:
Papaya.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah. You gotta mix it up a little bit.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So she’d be saying like, “Look, Apple may think their daughter’s pregnant but I actually am. Wait, no. Can we do that again?”
Casey:
Okay, Jeff.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I think that it is time… I don’t think you can keep the public waiting any longer. I think it is time for another Good/No Good.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s been a while, huh?
Casey:
It has been a while.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And while I’m sure we have already covered most of the things that people need to know about in terms of what is Good or No Good…
Jeff:
The crucial things…
Casey:
There are always new ones that crop up. And I think that you’d do the country a disservice when you do not let people know if these things are Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And so…
Jeff:
We get emails… I get emails… Like your parents have emailed me before…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Asking, “If this Good or No Good?”
Casey:
Exactly. So there’s ambiguity left.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And that ambiguity needs to be cleared up.
Jeff:
Alright. I’m ready. I am not afraid. Well, a little afraid.
Casey:
So, first thing…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For Good or No Good this week is you’re at a restaurant…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re going to be eating at a restaurant…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Where you order from a waiter, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the waiter comes and you order what you want to eat but he takes a moment to let you know that the thing in the configuration that you ordered is possible but will require an extra charge. Good or No Good?
Jeff:
So you go in and…
Casey:
So you’re like… Yeah, there’s a thing on the menu that’s like, “Here’s…” You know, it’s this thing, right, and you’re like, “Oh, I want, like… Can I have that with onion rings instead of fries?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they’re like, “Well, yes, we could do that. But it’s gonna be $1.50.”
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s… I think everybody knows that’s No Good. And there’s a lot of reasons why. You could go into any number of reasons. Okay. First off, it implies, like your cheese situation… They are prejudging the fact that you might pitch a fit over the $1.50, right? Like, that you’re gonna be just stressing out about the buck-fucking-fifty…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“So I don’t have to eat your goddamn salad with… I want some fries with my burger instead of a salad…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“That bothers me.” The second thing is I want to have as little contact with my waiters as possible. I don’t like when they come and they tell me the specials.
Casey:
Oh, wow. Okay.
Jeff:
I don’t like when they come and they say… My least favorite thing — I don’t want to know your fucking name. In any situation, ever. I don’t want to know your fucking name. I will never call you by your name. I’m never gonna say, “Well, Jack, let me tell you what I want. I want Jack & shit. I want you to shut the fuck up and take my order.” I don’t like when they come and they say, “Can I get you something to drink,” when I’ve already closed my menu. It’s clear that I know what I want. Take all my order right now. Don’t make this take longer than necessary. I want to eat and I want to leave the fucking restaurant. What’s the matter with you? I don’t want to have an experience at Friday’s. I want to get my drink, eat, and leave. I’m not looking forward… This isn’t a fun trip out, right. I’ve left the office. I’ve left my house. I’m out in the world among you freaks. Just feed me. No Good.
Casey:
You’re like a little baby that’s not getting the bottle. You’re like, “Goddamn it.”
Jeff:
Why stretch it out? I’m hungry.
Casey:
I have to say that I definitely agree with that kind of a weird new trend of, like, there’s a dude or a woman at the restaurant…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Who is, like… It’s like there’s some kind of weird RTS or RPG character who can only take a drink order.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, they can take an order for your drinks but if you’re like, “Oh, we’re just ready to order,” and like, “Oh, your server will be with you in a second.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, “What’s the problem? How is it possible that you aren’t capable of taking an order but you could take a drink order?”
Jeff:
“I haven’t gone to that training class yet.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do…”
Jeff:
Yeah, “That’s off-site.” Yeah. Fuck.
Casey:
It’s like, you don’t need special training on every single individual menu item.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
If you can take an order for one menu item, you can take an order for pretty much any menu item…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’m just guessing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Then it should probably be fine.
Jeff:
Yes. You know, eating out, I’m gonna say No Good…
Casey:
Just period?
Jeff:
Yeah. You know, like, everything about it — Stupid sauces on the side…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Like, anything you call special sauce — No Good.
Casey:
No Good? Right.
Jeff:
Salads that don’t have lettuce in them, right. When they put fucking dandelion leaves in it — No Good. If I’m gonna eat a salad… And I don’t but if I am, I want fucking lettuce in it. Don’t put in these fucking leaves that aren’t even normal leaves. I mean, they’re like, weird-ass shit that they pulled out of their yard and then it’s like, “Oh, it’s a fancy salad. And here’s some nuts in it to make it yummier.” So you eat the salad, all the nuts end up in the bottom of the bowl. Goddamn it. Eating out — No Good. Warming up [inaudible 44:44] Good. That’s it.
Casey:
Alright. So you’re just basically entirely working off the freezer right now?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And Burger King.
Jeff:
Yeah, I like a good Burger King.
Casey:
Alright. Okay.
Jeff:
Is that all our No Good time?
Casey:
Probably. But I’ll go ahead and hit you up with one more — Although I’ll give you a little obscure on here, see how this one goes. And maybe you haven’t seen this thing and you won’t be able to say it’s Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You are at a vacation destination of some kind.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Usually, like, the shore somewhere…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There isn’t really anything there. It’s just some place by the water…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That people go.
Jeff:
You mean the beach?
Casey:
Okay. Something like this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But there’s a little town that’s built up around it, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where there’s shops and an arcade or something.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know what I’m talking about.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Now, invariable, at least I have found, that at these places, in one of these shops, there will be a machine, a free-standing machine. And what this machine does is you put a penny into the machine…
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
And then you put some amount of money into a coin slot and I grinds the penny…
Jeff:
It fucks up the penny.
Casey:
Into some other shape.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
These are everywhere.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In every town that I’ve ever been to, that machine is there.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Okay, of course it’s No Good because, like, who the fuck gets excited by this? Like, the new penny fucker machine, right? Like, you’re paying money to fuck your money up, right? If you want to give me the money and a Magic Marker, I’ll do the same thing, right? And why is this cool. It’s just a machine. People stand around looking at it like it’s a magic show. It’s like, “Whoa, it transmogrified into a new thing.” It just crushed the penny. That’s it. Sometimes they stamp, like, the shitty town’s name on it…
Casey:
Yeah, that’s what they do.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Shitty Town — We fucked your money up,” right? “Not only did we take your money, we fucked some of it up and gave it back to you so you can’t use it anymore. It’s like, worse than Canadian money, right? We don’t take Canadian. We don’t take stretched out, elongated money. It’s just so stupid. Like, what other things could you sell? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s like, “What other shit that you put in?” Like, “Oh, I took down a baseball cap and they burned it. And it was awesome. We watched it and they burned my hat. It cost $4.99. They burned my hat down there in [inaudible 47:11] It’s awesome.”
Casey:
Well, you know, I’m imagining that somewhere, there’s like…
Jeff:
And there’s taffy.
Casey:
Like, Thomas Cook’s stretched out penny exchange where you’ve got a machine that you put the stretched out penny in it and it stamps it back into a normal penny shape so that you can use it again for 5 bucks or whatever, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When you’re really desperate.
Casey:
Yeah, penny recovery service.
Jeff:
Right, right, right… And the little slot that you put the money in is all fucked up. It’s like…
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
And that’s… Absolutely.
Casey:
Right. And then, Henry Paulson’s like, “We have a major, major problem…”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“Almost 75% of our entire nation’s penny supply is now stretched out.”
Jeff:
“When we wanted you to be penny-pinching…”
Casey:
Yes. Or penny stretching…
Jeff:
“We didn’t mean for you to crush all your money, you dumb motherfuckers.”
Casey:
Yeah. “And I don’t want… I didn’t ask to be put in this position but now, I’m the guy who’s gonna have to un-stretch all your pennies, okay. Now, I want you go give me the authority to un-stretch… I need smooshing authority and it can’t be second guessed…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
By some penny smooshing court, somewhere…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or Congress stepping in going, “Oh, shouldn’t smoosh that penny, that penny would’ve un-smooshed by itself over time. It was… You know…”
Jeff:
I think that was a nickel. I don’t want to do it, actually.
Casey:
You know… Right, yeah, exactly like…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, No, I can’t look at every single penny and say, “Is this not a Canadian dime,” or something, right? I mean, maybe it’s Japanese or something…
Jeff:
It’s gonna be too complicated…
Casey:
Way too complicated…
Jeff:
To separate the money ‘cos it comes in in bundles, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Where there’s a quarter stretch, a nickel stretch and a penny stretch.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right. And so…
Casey:
Well, there’s all these people out there holding stretched pennies. I mean, I don’t even know how many stretched pennies there are. And they’re very complicated to value because each individual penny has some different town stamped on it, right?
Jeff:
Right, exactly. Yeah.
Casey:
So I don’t know… You know, I look at some town from, like… You know, something on the West coast. It’s got some name and this band in Oregon, right, or whatever. Then I’ve got, like, Atlantic City in New Jersey. Are those worth the same? I have no idea.
Jeff:
You have no idea. Yeah.
Casey:
So, I think probably the easiest thing for us to do is just to set up…
Jeff:
[inaudible 49:13] ultimate authority.
Casey:
Well, no, to set up something. And this is what plan to do, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is to set up something where people can sort of reverse compete over whose penny is the closest to still being a penny…
Jeff:
A penny. I see.
Casey:
And all unfuck those pennies up first, right?
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
And so that way, we kind of… Yeah.
Jeff:
And then as the market, you know, improves…
Casey:
Eventually, people’s pennies will just unstretch spontaneously, eventually.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The only reason that they’re not unstretching now is because nobody is willing to give them the chance to unstretch, right?
Jeff:
Right. We’re gonna put them in a special room…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
We’re gonna hold on to them.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We’ll probably make money on this.
Casey:
Eventually, these things will probably turn back into pennies.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, as far… Everyone knows that if we just waited for, like, 10 years and everyone had faith that they would turn back into pennies, they probably would.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So that’s what we’re trying to solve here is the fact that no one is able to take that time right now, right?
Jeff:
Right. It makes perfect sense to me.
Casey:
It makes perfect sense to me, too.
Jeff:
Yeah. So that’s No Good, just to sum up.
Casey:
Mmhmm…
Jeff:
Mmhmm… [inaudible 50:15] No Good, as well.
Casey:
Alright, so last No Good… Well, last Good/No Good, because in theory, something could…
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
You did have one Good, once I think.
Jeff:
Yeah. You’re pre-judging my quirkiness.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, as far as I know, all I really have to do is pick some obscure situation (or not even obscure) and it will be No Good. Now, there has been a Good. That was the thing. We did have a Good.
Jeff:
We had a Good. Yes.
Casey:
We had a Good. We had an actual Good which was… Which was what?
Jeff:
Right. Nip slips.
Casey:
No, that was a partial. That was, like, a two-thirds bad…
Jeff:
That was a Good… Right, it could go both ways. Yes, two-thirds…
Casey:
But one-third Good.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But there was actually something that was Good and it was, like, cards for purchasing…
Jeff:
[inaudible 50:53]
Casey:
Repeat purchase cards or something? I don’t remember what it was…
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
Casey:
I don’t remember. Anyway, point being… So I don’t technically know but I tend to be pretty sure that it’s gonna be No Good. So this one is…
Jeff:
Alright. I’m ready.
Casey:
You are going to purchase something, okay. You are buying a physical item of some kind.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Oftentimes, it is something mechanical or technological in nature but it doesn’t have to be.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And that thing has a nominal price. But the price that is quoted is less than that price because the manufacturer is offering a mail-in rebate.
Jeff:
Oh, goddamn it.
Casey:
Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Okay, that’s so No Good, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And here’s the thing. I probably have thousands of Dollars of fucking Linksys router rebates that have never been claimed, right. The whole thing is such bullshit.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like you’re counting on American laziness so that you can be more profitable, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s like, profit through laze.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So, no. It’s absolutely No Good. And you know what? Not only that. It makes me feel bad, right? So not only did I not get my $10…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which is fucking bullshit… The worst are when you get them and they’re like, you know, a USB memory stick. And I got one and it was $5.99.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, it’s $6. It’s like, what, almost 10% of that to mail the rebate in to get the letter back in. It’s No Good.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It’s ridiculous. So no, even then, I get the double thing of not getting the rebate and then feeling guilty about it because I fucking keep them.
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
I have a little drawer full of this shit.
Casey:
Even though they’re all expired by now…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You still have a drawer filled with old…
Jeff:
Old shit for Linksys routers…
Casey:
That you had planned to…
Jeff:
Yes. Like, old crap for old watchmacallit… Wireless things. No, it’s absolutely No Good. That’s not even a fun one. That’s not even a challenge for me. It’s just like…
Casey:
Okay. It’s just arbitrarily No Good.
Jeff:
Yes. Give me something else.
Casey:
Okay. You want one more?
Jeff:
I want something that’s hard to hate and I’ll bring my A game.
Casey:
Alright. Massage.
Jeff:
Well, wait. Doing the massage or getting?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So you are going to go somewhere…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you’re gonna lie down on a table and someone’s gonna give you a massage.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re getting the massage. You’re not doing the work.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re getting the massage from a licensed masseuse.
Jeff:
Okay. Right. Okay. So there’s lots of levels of No Good and let’s iterate through them. Yes.
Casey:
I’m imagining the word, masseuse, is probably one, right?
Jeff:
That’s No Good. Right.
Casey:
Okay. Okay. Yeah. That one, I could’ve guessed.
Jeff:
Right. If you identify yourself as a masseuse, okay, anything that comes out of your mouth from now on is gonna be No Good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s just bad.
Casey:
Got you.
Jeff:
So you may be good but anything you say is No Good. Okay. So let me talk about the one that I hate. You’re at the airport, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And they now have…
Casey:
I know where you’re going with this.
Jeff:
Right. They now have these little kiosks…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
With massage people that are just there at the airport, right? You have these travelers, these sweaty… Like, you have airline film on your skin.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And they lean in to the little… What do you call that fucking face pillow that you, like, [inaudible 54:21] into?
Casey:
I have no idea. Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
That every traveler over the last year that’s made it through security and sweated and everything, failed terrorists of all kinds, TSA agents that are just scary have leaned and pushed their pores into… You squish into that shit. And then this lady, who… I mean, you don’t need a lot of training to be a masseuse. But this lady, they’ve just literally hired off the street, right? Is just going to rub your shit, right? There’s not going to be any happy endings because you’re in this public place. So there’s gonna be nothing good that could accidentally happen, right?
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
In fact, all that could happen is accidental incitement followed by shame and embarrassment. It’s like, “Oh, man. I gotta go.” So no, the whole thing… Any kiosk/public place thing is No Good. Now, the ones they have in the crazy place where you actually go to a massage house. . .
Casey:
Yeah. Right, yeah. A massage parlor, if you will…
Jeff:
A massage parlor, right?
Casey:
Yes. That whole phrase is so fabulous.
Jeff:
Right. You got people you have no idea who else they’ve rubbed, right?
Casey:
That’s true.
Jeff:
And then they’re just gonna knead your skin, which I don’t like anyway. And then, they’re just basically like, “Let me just work in this previous client’s dead skin into your skin. And let’s see if I can work some crazy conjoined twin into your back.”
Casey:
I love that… I wish that the listeners could see the motions that you’re making with your hands that I can see here.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Those are just the most decrepit…
Jeff:
Massage is No Good.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I know people that, if you kind of went up and, “How you doing?” And patted them on the back… They’d be like… You know, they wouldn’t like it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Who’s like, “Alright, I’m ready to rubdown. Let me undress and let me just rub you down.”
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
There’s this strange thing that some people are able to flip the switch at “rub me down”.
Casey:
Well, maybe it’s like paid massage, right. It’s like, if I paid for this, then I’m pre-accepting that you are gonna touch me.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
I don’t like it.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
I don’t like it.
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
And then there’s this other kind of massage that I’ll keep ranting about called Thai massage.
Casey:
Right. That ain’t no I have no idea.
Jeff:
Yes, where they basically beat the shit out of you…
Casey:
Did you get it in Thailand? Yeah…
Jeff:
Yeah. They bend you all… It’s not this massage…
Casey:
It’s more like yoga. Like, they’re forcing you to stretch, basically, right?
Jeff:
Right. So it’s not like you work into a position. They will place you in that position…
Casey:
Right. Yes, right.
Jeff:
No matter the pain. And then it’s like, “Hey, how was your massage?” And you have, like, groin pulls.
Casey:
Right. Well, it’s a groin pull massage.
Jeff:
Ugh. No Good. Alright, everybody. That is our show for this week.
Casey:
And what a wonderful show it was, if I may say so.
Jeff:
What a crazy show.
Casey:
Like Christmas time almost.
Jeff:
Yes. Hey, so this week, I had a great idea from one of our listeners…
Casey:
You did?
Jeff:
Scott from Australia who suggested maybe we have some email in Good/No Good situations which…
Casey:
Oh, I thought of something.
Jeff:
Tell me.
Casey:
I thought of something.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Actually, to…
Jeff:
But you have to email Casey. Don’t email me. I can’t know about these.
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah, don’t tell Jeff the No Good’s because it tends to be better if I can surprise him with them… Catch him a little off-guard.
Jeff:
Right. So that’s Casey@MollyRocket.com.
Casey:
That’s a good point. If you send it to Casey or…
Jeff:
Not podcast.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Send it to Casey@MollyRocket.com, not a bad idea
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Here’s the thing, Mr. Jeff. What if some of our more adventurous listeners out there actually sent in an audio clip of them asking if something was Good/No Good or something like this and we played it…
Jeff:
That’s a great idea. A little tiny MP3… And you play it. We identify you.
Casey:
Yes, I could say, “Such and such from Alabama wrote in and said this…”
Jeff:
That’s an excellent idea. In fact, that would be more fun. So instead of sending the question. Send the MP3. I cannot listen to the MP3’s…
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
Easier than I can not…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
If you send me an email, you just read it. You open it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
But if it’s an MP3, I’ll just…
Casey:
There you go.
Jeff:
So you can send it to Podcast…
Casey:
Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Jeff:
And then, we’ll play them.
Casey:
And now we can do the MP3. Yeah.
Jeff:
So everyone that wants to be on the podcast can now do so. This is like our call-in show.
Casey:
Yes, because we can’t actually broadcast this live…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because we don’t actually know how to do that.
Jeff:
That’s way too hard.
Casey:
That’s way too complicated for the internets.
Jeff:
Right. Alright, everybody.
Casey:
See you next week.
Jeff:
We will see you next week. Casey will be in Japan.
Casey:
That’s right. I’ll see you from the land of the rising sun.
Jeff:
That’s right. And we’ll see what wackiness occurs.
Casey:
I can only imagine.
Jeff:
Yep. Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Take it easy.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 33
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