Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Greatest Men's Breakfast on the Planet
"Jesus was a stone-cold pimp."
Original air date: September 21st, 2008
Topics. XXX Church. The Hard Rock Cafe. Urban camouflage. Porn and Parent. The Hard Rock Cafe Casino. Porn and Pastries. The Hard Rock Model Search. The Van Halen Experience. A Shot at Love. A fish in the penis. Stealth cat. XXX Church pastors. Biologists. Animal links. Martin “The Hammer” Luthor. Angler fish. Eastside Church. Jesus the Pimp. Barbecue sauce.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
It is the 31st episode of the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Is it really?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
No. It’s episode 31.
Jeff:
32. Yeah.
Casey:
It’s the 32nd episode. You’re never gonna get that right.
Jeff:
No, no… Yes. Yes.
Casey:
You can just forget it. It’s episode # 31, the 32nd episode.
Jeff:
It’s 1F, right?
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
1F.
Casey:
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Jeff:
Okay. And it is… Today, September… Fuck…
Casey:
18th, right?
Jeff:
18th? 18th. Okay, September 18th, about 11 o’clock.
Casey:
Well, you blew the intro.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But you can go ahead and fix that in post. It’ll be fine.
Jeff:
It’ll just be, “Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.”
Casey:
Yeah. Now, let’s get on to something more important here, actually, because I have…
Jeff:
You have to address this right now.
Casey:
Yeah, I have to address this right now. I tried to address it earlier in the week and…
Jeff:
I love it.
Casey:
Obviously, it failed. Specifically, you know that obviously we’ve had a problem in the past with animal links, namely my receiving animal links. And how…
Jeff:
This has been the best part of the podcast for me.
Casey:
No, it has not been the best part of the podcast. It has not been the best part of the podcast. I disagree. Well, this week, apparently, you and our listeners have taken it to a new level.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
In a somewhat uncoordinated fashion, in fact, as far as I can tell.
Jeff:
No, no.
Casey:
Yes. Yes.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
What do you mean no? What?
Jeff:
It was fully coordinated.
Casey:
How is it coordinated? You guys were talking amongst yourselves about this? Were you talking with…
Jeff:
No, no, no, no. It wasn’t like we all meant to do this. It was like… It’s like we all showed up in marching band uniforms….
Casey:
Yes, that is right.
Jeff:
The same day. Yeah.
Casey:
So what happened was Jeff sent me… And this is not surprising. Jeff sent me a video clip which was a cat.
Jeff:
It was a cat.
Casey:
It was a cat.
Jeff:
I’m helping you out.
Casey:
Yes. Okay. I made the mistake of saying that I do like cats and that I occasionally have enjoyed a cat video. Yes. I know I said that on the podcast and if I could take it back right now, I would, absolutely. But unfortunately, people still probably have MP3’s saved somewhere so I won’t be able to erase it entirely. Anyway, Jeff sent me a video of a cat. And the cat…
Jeff:
Mickey cat.
Casey:
Is walking towards the camera. That is the entirety of the activity of the cat in this video — Cat walks towards the camera. Okay.
Jeff:
But off-screen…
Casey:
Hold on a second.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, the camera person is attempting to dramatize the act of a cat walking towards the camera by moving the camera behind a box and then out from behind a box repeatedly…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Like, multiple times. Okay.
Jeff:
And the cat has teleported ahead.
Casey:
The title of this video is “Stealth Cat”.
Jeff:
“Ninja Cat”.
Casey:
It was “Stealth Cat” when I got it.
Jeff:
It was Stealth? Alright.
Casey:
Well, maybe your subject line was Stealth? I don’t remember what it is.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I don’t understand why it’s “Stealth Cat” because the cat actually was not being stealthy. It was the person who was hiding behind the box. So I’m not sure… I don’t understand even really why that…
Jeff:
I thought mine was called “Ninja Cat” but that might…
Casey:
That makes even less sense, okay, ‘cos the cat didn’t do anything that was ninja-like.
Jeff:
He was totally teleporting like the ninja do.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
He was hopping forward. Every time he panned away and came back, the cat had gone… And paused.
Casey:
What stage of Piaget’s Development do you have to be at where you think that if you don’t see the cat for a while and then you see it in a new location that it teleported?
Jeff:
The awesome stage?
Casey:
What is that, like, 2? Or 3?
Jeff:
No. The awesome stage.
Casey:
Like, Object Permanence just… How do you know it wasn’t a new cat? Well, that was awesome. “Every time he moves the camera over to the side, there was a new cat coming…”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“And it was closer…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“No. It wasn’t closer. It got bigger. It was a bigger cat each time. It was a bigger cat each time in the same place. Holy shit, man. This video is amazing.”
Jeff:
This is even more awesome than I thought.
Casey:
No, this was terrible. So that would have bad enough because now it’s like…
Jeff:
That was funny.
Casey:
Okay, you sent me a shitty animal link. Par for the course, right…
Jeff:
And I was happy.
Casey:
Par for the course.
Jeff:
But then…
Casey:
Then, of course, Ryan “Animal Links” Ellis steps up to the plate.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And usually, Ryan holds the kind of… What I consider a distinguished honor among all people’s of the world, in fact, which is that he is the only person who can send animal links that you have not already sent, right?
Jeff:
Yes, he has found…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
He did find the monkey skating.
Casey:
Yes. He… So if I’m gonna get an animal link…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
A shitty animal link, it could come from him first…
Jeff:
Right, occasionally…
Casey:
Before you. And that is… There is nobody else in the world that I know of who can do that, who can compete with you on that level, right. It’s like the gold medal of crappy animal… Right? And it’s like you two are head to head.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, we don’t know who’s gonna get down on the home stretch, right?
Jeff:
And I want to be [inaudible 5:10]
Casey:
It’s like, “Wait a second…”
Jeff:
C’mon…
Casey:
Okay. It’s an “Iguana Looks at Camera”. And it’s like, “Oh, my God, Jeff. He’s surfing towards ‘Iguana Looks at Camera’ [inaudible 5:17] You know? So we don’t know who’s gonna, like, hit that, break through the thing and put their hands up and send Casey the animal link, right?
Jeff:
And you’re the judge.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Kind of a grouchy judge.
Casey:
And you’re all disqualified.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
Anyway, Ryan Ellis steps up on the plate. He’s like, “Hey, boys. Check out this cool cat link.” Same link, okay.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So now, I’ve gotten the “Stealth Cat”…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
From you.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And from Ryan…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Within close proximity.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, fast forward a day or two, right. And we’re into what is known as Moore-lands, right.
Jeff:
The second tiers.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Moore-land is when Dave Moore… Because he, for example, does work for you during the day…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Instead of surfing the web 24/7.
Jeff:
He’s usually at night. Yeah.
Casey:
Exactly. He now, I guess in his…
Jeff:
Happens upon it.
Casey:
You know, stumbles upon this wonderful video of a cat…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Moving towards the camera and goes, “Perfect for Casey.” I get the link from him.
Jeff:
Again?
Casey:
Right. 48 hours, let’s say…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Later than the last time I received this video…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So that’s like, “Awesome. Now we’ve completed it, alright. We’ve got the hat trick. I got the cat link once from Jeff. Got it again from Ryan. And here comes Dave Moore, you know…”
Jeff:
Bringing up the rear.
Casey:
Bringing in the bronze, right? But no…
Jeff:
No?
Casey:
We are not done yet.
Jeff:
No?
Casey:
We are not done yet.
Jeff:
We have Angola?
Casey:
One of my oldest friends, okay… Friend from childhood…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
He now decides to put the icing on the cake.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Sends me the cat video again.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Totally separately. He has never really sent animal links to the podcast.
Jeff:
But he hooked us up.
Casey:
So that’s 4 times in 7 days…
Jeff:
That wasn’t the last one.
Casey:
I got the sa--… What are you…
Jeff:
Maybe you didn’t open the next one.
Casey:
What are you talking about?
Jeff:
There was another one.
Casey:
No, there wasn’t.
Jeff:
Yes, there was.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Who s--… What are you talking about?
Jeff:
You don’t remember?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Jon Blow also sent the cat video.
Casey:
No, he did not. Are you serious?
Jeff:
That’s why I said # 5.
Casey:
I didn’t…
Jeff:
You must not have opened it but yes. He did.
Casey:
I guess not. I’m glad I didn’t. I would’ve lost my shit.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I already lost my shit. I was like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Jeff:
I emailed him back and said, “Oh, my God. This is the 5th time. This is so awesome.”
Casey:
Jonathan, why would you do that to me?
Jeff:
Because we all just want a reaction and it worked.
Casey:
So I just want to say for the record…
Jeff:
The record’s been set.
Casey:
You don’t need to send…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
If you find an animal link…
Jeff:
Listen, listeners. No.
Casey:
Shut it.
Jeff:
Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
If you find an animal link that you think is cool and you want to send it, Jeff’s already sent it. It’s not possible… Like, if you actually think that you’re going to beat Jeff or Ryan to an animal link… I mean, I don’t… You have a severely overinflated sense of your, like, internet skills…
Jeff:
Linketude…
Casey:
If you think that’s gonna happen.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That is not going to happen, alright? It’s just not.
Jeff:
And Ryan has an interesting hook-up, too. Like… Have you noticed how most of Ryan links come from Australia. Like, “.au”…
Casey:
Well, Ryan… At the end of the day, Ryan is going to be able to beat you for one very specific reason. And that is because unlike you, he actually takes his own animal videos.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I don’t know if you got that video from him of the snakes in the snake den. So like, what are you gonna do? You can’t find that video before him.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He’s taken it himself. So unless you step up to the plate and start recording animal videos, you’re pretty much in silver place.
Jeff:
No. I’m not leaving the…
Casey:
But what I’m trying to get across here is, like, let’s not look for the bronze, okay? Let’s not… The rest of the podcast listeners do not have to look for the bronze medal there.
Jeff:
Listeners…
Casey:
Let’s just leave it with gold and silver and let’s just be happy that Casey gets 2 copies of every animal link instead of 12 every week.
Jeff:
And you can send those links to us at Podcast@ JeffAndCasey…
Casey:
Show….
Jeff:
Show.com. That’s right. That was awesome.
Casey:
I wonder if JeffAndCasey.com is getting a lot of emails. Like, “Dude, check out this awesome ‘cat looks at camera’.” And it’s like, “Why do people keep sending us these videos?” Which incidentally is my reaction, for the record…
Jeff:
Yeah. Minister fucks…
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Yeah, they’re getting all the awesome stuff…
Casey:
Yeah. They’re like, “Boy, I don’t know what this podcast is but it must be pretty fucking terrible.”
Jeff:
“I don’t want to know.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No, but they do. They do want to know.
Casey:
Speaking of minister fucking, you want to move along to this little flyer that you’ve collected here?
Jeff:
Oh, yes. Okay. So yeah, Dan Thompson gave us a little bit of moj here… And this is a flyer that came in the mail to him. And I think what we’ll do is scan this and put it you on the website.
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Let’s do that. That’s a good point.
Jeff:
Yeah. ‘Cos everybody should… You know, we might save some souls.
Casey:
We might save some souls.
Jeff:
That’s right. Jeff & Casey Show — Saving Souls Since 2008.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
So this is the East Lake Church. And the East Lake Church has a flyer here that looks much like a… I don’t know what… Like People Magazine… It’s kind of like the people in front of the titles…
Casey:
It’s not really like People Magazine. It’s more like one of those sort of teen magazines, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. Okay.
Casey:
Like, it doesn’t have quite as much actual text on the front because they assume that, much like a teenager, the people who are targeted by this flyer can’t read very well.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s kind of like Cosmopolitan, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Instead of “pleasing your man”…
Casey:
Right, it does not talk about “pleasing your man”, no.
Jeff:
Well, it does a little. And that’s kind of the twist, right?
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
So on the East Side Church brochure here, they mention that no perfect people are allowed. So clearly, you and I are out.
Casey:
Wait, what?
Jeff:
So let’s just talk about this for our imperfect listeners.
Casey:
Now, I haven’t really looked at this. Where does it say that?
Jeff:
Right along here. Right after…
Casey:
“No perfect people allowed.”
Jeff:
Yep. “No perfect people allowed.”
Casey:
That is fascinating. I noticed they didn’t say, “No self-righteous people allowed,” because that would pretty much be, like 75% of the congregation that have to walk out.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s implied.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
So right above that, it gets kind of a twist, if you will.
Casey:
Yeah. The first thing that lets you know… Well, no, actually, Jeff. The first thing that you look when you see this that lets you know that something’s strange is the black bars across the people’s eyes, right?
Jeff:
Right. So there’s a loving couple you might say…
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
Smiling. The girl looks a little… She looks a little squinty. I don’t know. She feels like, “This is too close.”
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
This area here. . .
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s some issues.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
But no, they have this black… It almost looks like electrical tape which gives it a kind of weird vibe right from the beginning…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
A little gimp-ish…
Casey:
A little fetish kind of thing?
Jeff:
Yeah, a fetish-y kind of…
Casey:
Which is, you know…
Jeff:
And they continue that style on in the background here with this little print stuff going on here.
Casey:
Those little spirals?
Jeff:
Right. That’s not helping.
Casey:
Now, I’m assuming that that… The person who did the graphic design for this, I’m assuming had some divine direction that they were trying to follow here.
Jeff:
Yes, probably.
Casey:
I’m not sure that I’m able to determine what it is, though, because honestly, it kind of looks like she’s got bunny ears.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The girl does. And you know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It kind of looks like… It almost has a little bit of a Playboy feel to it there, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
There’s a lot of subtle stuff.
Casey:
And that combined with the triple X porn stamp up at the top, you know, it’s starting to look a little risqué to me.
Jeff:
Yeah. On the top, when it says, “No perfect people allowed,” right above that, there is a little bit of a triple X on there.
Casey:
Yeah, a triple X. Right.
Jeff:
And so you look at that…
Casey:
And this is not Vin Diesel. This is not a Vin Diesel vehicle when we say triple X.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
We’re talking about, like, triple X as in the thing that the East Lake Church would probably want to have shut down if it was playing at a theater near you.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And furthering this is this funny little… I don’t know what this is.
Casey:
The UPC code.
Jeff:
There’s a UPC code on the brochure that must be, like… Just giving it the magazine look, if you will.
Casey:
Yes. The Mark of the Beast, maybe?
Jeff:
Possibly. Maybe that is a 666.
Casey:
Now, can you scan the Mark of the Beast?
Jeff:
It’s John 3:12…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly…
Jeff:
3:16…
Casey:
That’d be awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah, okay. So anyway…
Casey:
Our rapid Bible verse sorting technology, you know. We can’t sit around hand-filing our brochures.
Jeff:
Yeah. Right. What would Jesus scan?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, it says “Dirty Little Secret” on the front “That Affects Us All”. So I’m like, “I have to turn this over.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
First off, I’m a little weirded out because Dan left this on my keyboard and like, “What the fuck came to the office?”
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Bad news.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
We’ll talk about that in a second.
Casey:
And you didn’t know that Dan had left that on your keyboard?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You just found that on your keyboard, right? As far as you know, it’s some fucked up Jesus thing going on.
Jeff:
Yeah, like, “Oh, boy. This came in here and everybody’s laughing at me.”
Casey:
Oh, boy.
Jeff:
So you turn it over. And the first thing that you see… Now, there’s a lot of text on the back. And you can’t… You don’t really go to that. But the first thing it says on the top is it says, “Join us for these special events,” you know, Sewing Social… Right? Reading Bible Verses, you’d think?
Casey:
Yeah, usually.
Jeff:
No. No. No. Here are our 3 events, our special events. The first one is called “Porn and Parents”.
Casey:
“Porn and Parents”?
Jeff:
“Porn and Parents”. Now that, for me, really sums up most of the religious things that we talk about on this podcast.
Casey:
That “Porn and Parents” [inaudible 14:19]
Jeff:
“Porn and Parents” covers everything we need to know.
Casey:
Although, to be fair, “Porn and Parents” is the last thing you’ll read on this brochure…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That could have been construed as an actual title for something.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? Like, “Porn and Parents” could be a thing where we talk to parents about porn.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Could.
Jeff:
Right. You know, don’t film in front of your kids.
Casey:
Right. The rest…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Completely out of… It’s just ridiculous what comes after that.
Jeff:
Right. The next one is “Porn and Pastries”.
Casey:
“Porn and Pastries”.
Jeff:
You know, they’ve got the P’s going.
Casey:
Yep, “Porn and Pastries”.
Jeff:
You know, it’s like “Pork and Pumpkins”, you might say.
Casey:
Yes. It’s very much like “Pork and Pumpkins”.
Jeff:
“Pork and Porn”… And then the last one… We have “Porn and Parents”, “Porn and Pastries”, and “Porn and Pancakes”, alright?
Casey:
That’s just… What does that even mean?
Jeff:
I didn’t know.
Casey:
“Porn and Pancakes”?
Jeff:
Right. So I had to read it. And so, “Porn and Parents” is they’re using this kind of Courier font that already… The whole fucking thing looks kind of like a ransom note on the back because there’s all these crazy colors and striping…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And yet, it seems like they’re gonna fuck the couple on front…
Casey:
No, it…
Jeff:
Unless you come to services, right?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
That’s what I was thinking. But no. It says, “We will provide parents with the tools and information they need to protect their family,” alright? “You will see how your kids are an innocent mouse click or a keystroke away… A mere keystroke away…”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“From graphic pornography.” So I’m assuming they have a laptop hooked up to a projector, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They have all the links on the desktop.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just so that they can show you how close the porn is away.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And I want to take notes.
Casey:
That seminar probably goes way long every time.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The parents are like, “Wait. I just want to make sure I get this. What’s the keystroke again that gets… How do I get the innocent click…”
Jeff:
What’s the URL?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “I just want to make sure that I know all the possible ways that the kids…”
Jeff:
All the men are like, “Can we take a 5-minute break? I have to use the restroom.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“And I might be a minute.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
And, “Can we do this again next week?”
Jeff:
“Can we do this every week?”
Casey:
And someone comes… They basically start showing up to this regularly. Like, it’s every Thursday night. And it’s like, “Hey, I brought some new sites that you should make sure that you block…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And I just thought that I’d go ahead and sent them all to you right now.
Jeff:
I’m gonna mail them to you.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Well, they go on. It’s important here to note that not only are they going to show you how not to innocently mouse click or keystroke away from the graphic pornography…
Casey:
Right. Right. Well, they’re going to show you how to so that you can not.
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re also going to find out why free peer to peer file sharing software, okay, and many free email services are also major portals.
Casey:
Wow. So they’re basically just like…
Jeff:
Portals.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah, I got some portals, you know.
Casey:
They’ve worked it out all out.
Jeff:
“Porn and Portals”.
Casey:
Like, pastor John has been working overtime…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To make sure that all the possible porn technologies that could be employed…
Jeff:
Pastor John has got plenty of notices…
Casey:
Are well understood…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And have been fully experimented with…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So that you won’t fall into that trap.
Jeff:
Pastor John has got plenty of DMCA notices from Vivid Video…
Casey:
“Porn and Pastors”.
Jeff:
Right. “Porn and Pastors” That’s next week. We’ve only got Pancakes and Pastries and parrots now.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Anyway, so we have all that. You’re gonna get some great resources to help protect your family.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. So the next one is “Porn and Pastries”.
Casey:
You know that, I don’t know what the fuck that means.
Jeff:
This was disappointing to me because I had a vision of what this would be and it’s not my vision, alright. I was highly disappointed.
Casey:
Well, and as we discussed previously, I have (in the past) expressed interest in various baking-oriented activities…
Jeff:
Yes. You would be ready. Right.
Casey:
So “Porn and Pastries” certainly sounds like a seminar that I’m going to attend.
Jeff:
I was focusing…
Casey:
However, I don’t think they would be very happy about what I would be saying and the questions that I’d be asking…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If I showed up at this event, if you will.
Jeff:
Exactly. I was focusing more on the whipped cream part of the pastries. And apparently, that’s not even a major component.
Casey:
I’d just raise my hand and be like, “Any of y’all actually bakers… Just before we go any further…”
Jeff:
“Does anybody like to wear aprons and only aprons? ‘Cos I like the style.” Anyway…
Casey:
You know, the Lord did say, “Go forth and multiply,” so I just, you know, it seems totally like a natural thing to me.
Jeff:
Alright. So in this one, you can join… This is an evening for the ladies. This is basically ladies night at the church.
Casey:
Great.
Jeff:
No, it’s awesome.
Casey:
Even better for me.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
This is no sausage fest. No. This is the pastry.
Casey:
This is pastries.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This is “Porn and Pastries”.
Jeff:
Yeah, let’s not make any mistakes.
Casey:
2 great tastes that taste great together.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You got porn in my pastry. Okay.
Casey:
It’s perfect.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Now, does the erotic bakery sponsor the “Porn and Pastries” event? I wonder.
Jeff:
This one…
Casey:
We should ask them.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We should help out our community by letting the erotic bakery know that there’s a “Porn and Pastries” event happening…
Jeff:
You may as well…
Casey:
That maybe they should think of showing up to cater.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anyone is welcome.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
Maybe they should bring, like, a huge cock cake to the East Lake Church “Porn and Pastries” event and be like…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“What’s going on, guys?”
Jeff:
And they can have a little bit of each.
Casey:
Yeah. Who wants the tip?
Jeff:
Right. “You got cock in my vagina.” Again, 2 great tastes, taste great together.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So in this one, “We’re gonna have an evening with the ladies for an honest and open talk about pornography,” right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
First off, the honest talk about women and porn is not gonna be anything like I would hope it would be.
Casey:
No, it wouldn’t be. I don’t think so.
Jeff:
This is not gonna be what I want, you know?
Casey:
Right, no.
Jeff:
I have a vision. And it…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It kinda goes like most of my fantasies in that there’s a mix-up and only 2 people show up. And they start exploring some of the possible porn problems.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Just to sort of go through it and see where it could lead.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And then I show up. That’s how it usually goes… This isn’t happening. Okay, so what you’re gonna…
Casey:
You’re in the pastoral roads.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
If you will…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it was hot that day.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So maybe you forgot, you know…
Jeff:
Yes. And I part…
Casey:
Right, exactly… Much like Moses. Yes. Exactly.
Jeff:
So at this one, we’re gonna hear from people who get it. Who get it.
Casey:
Who get what?
Jeff:
I don’t know. They just get.
Casey:
If you say the word, “Porn and Pastries”, and ask me if I get it, I’m gonna say yes. But I don’t think that’s the question they’re asking is all I can say.
Jeff:
Right. This erotic cake has totally been violated before you [ even got it ].
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“Try the filling…” Anyway…
Casey:
I’d stand up at the end of this and be like, “I’d just totally like to say that you all definitely do not get it, okay. If there’s any question about whether you get it, as far as ‘Porn and Pastries’ is concerned, the answer is no, okay.”
Jeff:
Okay. But they get it. And this is going to include former sex industry insiders… So they’re gonna have some people there, right.
Casey:
Insiders?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right. Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like the Michael Mann film?
Jeff:
Well, they say…”
Casey:
Whistle blowers, if you will.
Jeff:
And they also are going to include former porn addicts…
Casey:
Porn addicts? Oh, like… We discussed this on a previous podcast.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Christie Brinkley’s husband…
Jeff:
Yeah, he’s probably there, talking.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You know when you’re famous and you quit your job…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then you go on the lecture circuit, making money, appearances, right? You know, like Bill Clinton makes 50 grand a pop. You know, he comes out here and gets, like, 500 bucks which them immediately…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Pumps right back into the sights, right? Doesn’t even. He’s like, “Oh, man. This is not gonna me out from under the thumb.” Anyway…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Here’s the best part. So we have former sex industry insiders, former porn addicts and, they point out, The XXX Church Pastors.
Casey:
The what? XXX Church Pastors?
Jeff:
The XXX Church Pastors which, to me…
Casey:
Is that like a fucking boy band or something? What does that even me?
Jeff:
Exactly. I thought of, like Hot Cops is what I immediately thought.
Casey:
Yes, Hot Cops. They clean up the town…
Jeff:
Like, the pastors come out…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And then, they strip. And everybody…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And the women are throwing money at them.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And it’s the most spiritual…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You know, event of their lives, really.
Casey:
Yeah, absolutely.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Absolutely. So at that point, it does kind of turn into more like your fantasy.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You show up. You’re one of the XXX Pastors…
Jeff:
Yeah, awesome.
Casey:
Right? It’s ladies night only at the church.
Jeff:
Yep. And it’s time for the banana slings.
Casey:
And there’s the pastries.
Jeff:
So finally…
Casey:
Does anything in that passage you’re reading explain why it’s called “Pastries”?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
No. So it’s just “Porn and Pastries”.
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
It’s “Porn and Pastries”. That’s what it is. We just decide it’s “Porn and Pastries”.
Jeff:
Well, maybe they misprinted and that R should be gone, do you think?
Casey:
Oh, “Porn and Pasties”?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
I don’t know. Do you think?
Casey:
Uh, I don’t think so.
Jeff:
Anyway, this event is for women and young women, junior high and up.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I’m telling you. Other than the fact that no one at this has ever been good at sex…
Casey:
Yep. Okay.
Jeff:
This would be, like, the dream scenario.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I would totally become a pastor at this church.
Casey:
For the… Yeah.
Jeff:
Just to learn…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you know, they’re probably gonna come out dancing to, like, you know, Christian hip-hop, right? You know?
Casey:
Oh, I’m sure. Yes, some fabulous Christian music.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
“I Like Big Bibles”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So then… Okay, our final event of the 3 is, of course, “Porn and Pancakes”, right?
Casey:
Right, yes. “Porn and Pancakes”.
Jeff:
And as you…
Casey:
Which is every bit as illuminating as to what the subject matter will be as “Pastries”.
Jeff:
Well, I was trying to think like… If Pastries somehow refers to the female, right? Pancakes is…
Casey:
Is it typical of religious doctrine to refer to females as delicious?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I have no idea.
Casey:
Sounds like more something you would get in FHM Magazine.
Jeff:
You know, like, prints on his guitar has both pancakes and pastries stenciled on…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
You don’t really understand…
Casey:
Yeah. Alright.
Jeff:
And you’re awkwardly aroused… Anyway, at “Porn and Pancakes”, this is the opposite. This is the greatest men’s breakfast on the planet, right?
Casey:
It says that?
Jeff:
It says, “the greatest men’s breakfast on the planet”. Again…
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
Let’s just pause for a second.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
Give me that flyer.
Jeff:
You want it? You do “Porn and Pancakes”.
Casey:
“Join us from 9 AM to 11 AM for the greatest men’s breakfast on the planet.”
Jeff:
Right. There’s no sausage in that egg.
Casey:
How did they write that sentence with…
Jeff:
Keep going.
Casey:
That’s ridiculous.
Jeff:
They have a plan. This is the sexiest church I’ve ever seen.
Casey:
That sounds like something… That sounds like… What’s the word I’m looking for? Like a code phrase. Like when Larry Craig, instead of… You know, we can’t use the wide stance anymore, he got busted.
Jeff:
Yeah. “Let’s have a great breakfast.”
Casey:
He’s like, “Excuse me, do you guys know where the great men’s breakfast is around here? Do you know where a man can get a great breakfast in this town?”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
What the hell is wrong with these people?
Jeff:
Keep going.
Casey:
“The greatest men’s breakfast on the planet.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“’Porn and Pancakes’ is all about the conversation.”
Jeff:
When you said cock is all…
Casey:
“’Porn and Pancakes’ is all about the conversation.”
Jeff:
Right. ‘Cos…
Casey:
“So, let’s have at it.” I am not making this up, Jeff. I am reading this verbatim. “The morning revolves around great speakers and great conversations about issues that are dominating our lives,” which is either porn… Well, the pancakes are being eaten…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it’s just porn, I guess.
Jeff:
Right. Well, here’s the only…
Casey:
“’Porn and Pancakes’ provides the next steps for you to walk away with hope to recover or help those struggling with porn addictions.”
Jeff:
Right. I’m just saying. All those men in the room, there’s lot so syrup…
Casey:
I don’t even know what to say.
Jeff:
There’s lots of conversation going on. I’m saying one thing’s gonna lead to another. That is gonna be…
Casey:
I am all about the conversation. Yeah.
Jeff:
The cock is going to be flying by like…
Casey:
Right. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
“When does this start? Let’s make sure we get the date. That’s October 11th at 9 AM.” If you want to show up right for the fucking, get there about 10AM.
Casey:
Yeah. Now, this is actually…
Jeff:
Bring your own syrup.
Casey:
This is a Protestant Church, right? So I can’t make the same kind of assumptions I could make if it was a Catholic Church, which are obvious, right?
Jeff:
Well, Martin Luther was a sexy man.
Casey:
It’s like, we can’t make all the… Sexy man… Absolutely.
Jeff:
When he hammered on the door.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Pounding. He’s pounding the nail into the door, right. And the [ feces ] were just yielding time and time again to his powerful hammer. In fact, Martin “The Hammer” Luther might actually be the more correct way to refer to him in the religious history, certainly.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Anyway, no, what I was gonna say is I would just like to note here the contrast between these 3 things, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like… The first one’s like, “Porn and Parents” — “We will provide parents with the tools and information they need to protect their family. You will see how your kids are an innocent mouse click…” Right. “Porn and Pastries” — “Join us 7-9 for an evening with the ladies of honest and open talk about…” Right… Then they’re like, “Porn and Pancakes” — “The greatest men’s breakfast on the planet. It’s all about the conversation. So let’s…” Like, how come that one is written in this, like, “Oh, baby, this is gonna be fucking awesome,” voice. . . Whereas the other ones are, like, totally normal and calm.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, were you a little more excited about the all-male pancake breakfast, by any chance?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Sounds like you might have been.
Jeff:
Yeah, the pancakes… Well, see, you notice that the XXX Church Pastors don’t come to this one…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
Because the last time they did, they didn’t walk straight for a week. Like, the pastors got… They were basically raped repeatedly.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And they’re like, “I’m never going to ‘Pancakes’ again.”
Casey:
Exactly, absolutely.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It’s like 4 of the altar boys are still missing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Again, that’s Catholic. They probably don’t have altar boys. They probably just have, like, cool dudes who represent the church.
Jeff:
Right. “Where did the XXX Pastors touch you?”
Casey:
Yeah. Or, “Where did you get [inaudible 28:39]”
Jeff:
“Show us on this pastry where you were touched.” Oh, God. This is the craziest church…
Casey:
Awesome. Praise the Lord, pass the pancakes.
Jeff:
Finally, the last little bit is they have a subtitle here called “A Shot at Love”, which by the way is in this crazy cursive font…
Casey:
What? Wait, what?
Jeff:
That looks like, I swear to God, it looks like it says, “A Shat at Love”.
Casey:
Okay. I didn’t read that program. I was holding it.
Jeff:
And I’m not even… At this point, I’m like…
Casey:
Right. “Sure, whatever.”
Jeff:
After “Porn and Pancakes”, that’s all that they’re…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, down here, it’s like…
Casey:
Right. They’re just getting frighteningly specific at this point. They’re like, “Finally, on Wednesday nights, everyone who wants to take a dump on the pastor’s mouth [ with cellophane ]…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“It’s only for you. Only those folks should show up, just so know.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“’Cos we’re gonna talk about how to get over that addiction slowly, very slowly, until we find some more people with that addiction to take over.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And that shit is gonna be the sweetest shit…
Casey:
’Cos they’ve eaten pastries and pancakes…
Jeff:
Because it’s all pastries and pancakes…
Casey:
The whole goddamned week.
Jeff:
For a week, right.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s gonna be delicious.
Casey:
It’s gonna be fabulous.
Jeff:
Right. Anyway, and then we have, finally…
Casey:
Buttermilk Jesus.
Jeff:
We finally have “Relationship Rescue — Building a Great Marriage, Better Sex”… The Porn Weekend, that’s October 12th…
Casey:
Whoa, hold on a second. The church has a “Better Sex” seminar?
Jeff:
Yep, that’s the week before this.
Casey:
Okay. We’re going to this. We are going to that.
Jeff:
It sounds like if we went to this church, we are gonna be laid constantly.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, we can’t help but get fucked if we go to this church, right? Seriously. I don’t think we even have to dress up, right?
Casey:
This is gonna be one of those new things, you know, like “Wedding Crashers” or whatever… It’s just they figure out… It’s like, “Dude, we just show up to the fucking church, man. We get laid every Sunday.”
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The only thing I’m concerned about is if we got the days mixed up ‘cos I think it’d be dangerous.
Casey:
Oh, yeah. You’re like, “Oh, shit.”
Jeff:
You show up at the “Porn and Pancakes”…
Casey:
We show up at the “greatest men’s breakfast” and we’re like, “Whoo.”
Jeff:
Yeah, we’re in big trouble.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
But there is this kind of… You know, each week, they have a different little theme. Each weekend… So it is “Relationship Rescue”…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, you’re trying to rescue relationship.
Casey:
Alright, yeah.
Jeff:
Now, it’s “Building a Great Marriage”.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Now, it’s “Better Sex”.
Casey:
Okay. So these are in order, kind of.
Jeff:
Then, it’s Porn Weekend where you just go crazy.
Casey:
Whoa. It’s just called Porn Weekend?
Jeff:
Porn Weekend is “Porn and Parents”, “Porn and Pastries”…
Casey:
Oh, okay. I got it. Sorry…
Jeff:
Finally, on the 19th, we have “From Dates to Mates”, right. So like…
Casey:
This is really, like, the most…
Jeff:
No, no. It’s in order, see. You have Better Sex, you have Porn Weekend…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You do some things that you, you know…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
You have to talk about, you know… You can’t really undo, right?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
You both did some things that you can’t really walk away from.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
So then, you go, “Well, maybe someone else is better for me.” That’s the case to make.
Casey:
Yeah. “Abortion and Pancakes”? Yeah.
Jeff:
And finally, of course, the final talk is “Healing from Divorce”. So you end up with dates that possibly turn into mates, you’ve got to heal from that divorce…
Casey:
Awesome. It’s all in order.
Jeff:
And then you start over back at relationship…
Casey:
It’s good that they’re just assuming failure now, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re just like, “Well, you know what…”
Jeff:
“Look, if you’re in a relationship and you go to Porn Weekend, you’re fucked, right?
Casey:
Pretty much.
Jeff:
No. You’re screwed. Like, your virginal girlfriend…
Casey:
Right. The XXX Pastors… Is getting it on with the XXX Pastors.
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
You’re there at the men’s breakfast. You don’t know what hit you from behind.
Jeff:
You know that promise rings are exploding…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And they’re like beams of light, right? It is not good.
Casey:
Yeah. And Jesus is looking down going, like, “What the fuck is going on at this church?”
Jeff:
No. Jesus goes. He’s like, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh…”
Casey:
No. No.
Jeff:
“The Lord giveth, taketh…”
Casey:
I’m sorry.
Jeff:
“Giveth, taketh…”
Casey:
I’m sorry but Jesus, okay, even he would look down and go, “I honestly have no idea what’s going on. I give up. I have no clue. Just…”
Jeff:
I don’t know, man. I think Jesus is a stone-cold pimp, man. He is, like, ready to roll.
Casey:
You think he just rolls up and He’s like, “Did someone say pancakes?” Blam, and then there’s just a whole breakfast platter, like, lain down…
Jeff:
He says, “Syrup in the lube.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Do you know how many listeners we have lost?
Casey:
Pancake Jesus…
Jeff:
We are fucked.
Casey:
Pancake Jesus has got to be a band name. Someone has to have Pancake Jesus and I’m gonna go to see them. That is a great… The whole thing is perfect.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. I’m hurting a little bit.
Casey:
That is perfect.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
I love it. Now, I don’t really understand… Just to wrap up there. I don’t understand… The thing that you just read, the “A Shot of Love” thing…
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
Oh, sorry, “A Shot at Love”…
Jeff:
“A Shat of Love”.
Casey:
I’m extrapolating from the previous entry.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not a “A Shot of Love”, which is the men’s breakfast. It’s “A Shot at Love”. Now, why is it called “A Shot at Love”? It’s like, if anything underscores the fact that it’s gonna end in divorce more, it’s like… They’re not even saying, like, a 50% chance. It’s like a shot. It’s like a lottery ticket. You’re gonna have, like, a 5 or 4% chance of making it through this shot at love.
Jeff:
Yeah, even if you look at it… You can look at it the literal way and, like, every single one of these porn events is ending up in bukake style, no matter what. So it is a shot, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly. It’s all gonna be “A Shot of Love” to the face.
Jeff:
“A Shot of Love: To the Face”.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Oh, God.
Casey:
Perfect.
Jeff:
Yeah. Alright, so that’s East Lake Church.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, if anybody has the balls to go to one of this, I would take a…
Casey:
I will absolutely go to one of those. What’s the date? Are they all when I’m in Japan?
Jeff:
I think they’re all when you’re in Japan. I’m not going alone ‘cos…
Casey:
Ah, fuck.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, September 21st and September 28th are the 2 not interesting ones — “Relationship Rescue” and “Building a Great Marriage”.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, those could be standard Jesus shit. I want “Better Sex” or “Porn Weekend”.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s what we’re looking for right there.
Jeff:
And you’re gone on…
Casey:
I want to hear what Jesus has to say about that.
Jeff:
I’m not going by myself because then you’ll be, like, bringing up things, I get really quiet. “What’s wrong?”
Casey:
Right. Yeah, it’s like, “What did they do to you?”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Casey:
“Show me on the doll.” Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, our second piece of mail that you’d think would be the exact opposite but it’s way similar.
Casey:
This is turning into Jeff’s Mailbag.
Jeff:
It is a little Jeff’s Mailbag.
Casey:
I like this segment.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
If you keep getting stuff that’ this good.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, we’ll have to keep… You know, Dan apparently is on the mailing list.
Casey:
Oh, that’s… Dan could really give us a lot of goo input.
Jeff:
So we may have a lot of good action.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos it seems like… You know, this seems like…
Casey:
And I’ve got to be honest with you right now. I mean, Dan’s single (at least I think he is). I mean, yeah. I think so now.
Jeff:
I think so.
Casey:
You know, I haven’t talked to him in a while, actually but…
Jeff:
So you want him to go to “Porn and Pancakes”?
Casey:
No. What I’m saying is now I see… I was like, “Why the fuck is Dan on the mailing list?”
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Now that we’ve read this, I can totally see why Dan is on the mailing list.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He’s like, “No, man. You want to be on the mailing list,” right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
So the next thing we got was from The Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas.
Casey:
Now, for those of us who’ve never been to Vegas (such as myself), can you fill us in on what that is? Hard Rock Café is obviously this kind of shitty restaurant that’s in a bunch of cities.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s like a shitty casino in one city is kind of the… Right…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So anyway, it’s just a casino. I go there because I’m still allowed to play there. So…
Casey:
Now, you basically just get kicked out of casinos every year. You’re just not allowed in them.
Jeff:
I can’t play on most of them…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
On most of the big places.
Casey:
Okay. Right.
Jeff:
I can still play downtown but this is like…
Casey:
And that’s ‘cos you win too much… What? You count cards?
Jeff:
Yeah, just ‘cos I’m… Yeah…
Casey:
And they don’t like that?
Jeff:
They don’t like that?
Casey:
No, they don’t.
Jeff:
So anyway, I get these…
Casey:
Now, why do they still let you play, by the way?
Jeff:
What’s that?
Casey:
Why have they not kicked you out yet?
Jeff:
’Cos I… The first time I went was last year for my birthday.
Casey:
Okay. So your days are numbered.
Jeff:
Well, actually, I didn’t play any Blackjack this time. If I just stay away from Blackjack…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I played mostly poker and did…
Casey:
Oh, okay. And poker is taking money from other patrons so they don’t give a shit about that.
Jeff:
Yeah, they don’t care about that.
Casey:
You can play that all night long.
Jeff:
No. I mean, there’s always pros there, right. So…
Casey:
Now, the other casinos that won’t let you play there anymore, will they let you go and play poker?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They’re all very specific.
Casey:
They don’t want to see you at a table.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you go to poker, you’re fine.
Jeff:
They’re like, “You can’t play…” Yeah. As soon as I give them my marker, they’re like, “Yeah, you can play. Here’s your cash. They aren’t good at the tables.”
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
Right. So they send me these things to get me to come back, right. They just want me to come back.
Casey:
Alright, “Come to Vegas…”
Jeff:
Right. And so, this one is “The Hard Rock Café Model Search”, right? Which, I don’t know, kind of intriguing, right?
Casey:
A little bit. But The Hard Rock Café, I kind of associate with hamburgers. And so I’m kind of thinking that now we’re looking for women to sell beef.
Jeff:
“Porn and Burgers”.
Casey:
Like, “Here’s…”
Jeff:
“Porn and Beef”.
Casey:
“Our new double chicken melt,” or something.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah. Patties. Yeah. “Porn and Patties”.
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
So this one…
Casey:
You didn’t say that Sean Barrett was here.
Jeff:
Yes. Sean is our live studio audience today.
Casey:
He’s the studio audience, by the way. He just contributed the “Porn and Patties”.
Jeff:
“Porn and Patties”, which is awesome. So at “Porn and Patties”, they point out… Now, they start with the envelope sealed at first. So all it says on the front — “Is it wrong to judge women by their looks alone?”
Casey:
So it’s a question.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s not presupposing an answer (yes or no).
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s just asking.
Jeff:
It’s a philosophical…
Casey:
It’s a philosophical… Right. It’s like, “Does God exist?”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Man versus Nature.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
A number of questions that have, you know, been on the minds of the great thinkers for generations.
Jeff:
Right. So we open it up and it says, “You be the judge.” And on the inside…
Casey:
Right. So they’ve kind of gone ahead and come down on a particular side of that relatively quickly.
Jeff:
Yeah, they chose… Yeah, it was the next hole.
Casey:
Yeah. They weren’t gonna leave it ambiguous for more than one [inaudible 38:15]
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So, “You be the judge.” And there’s a model inside. And it says… I’m gonna read this, just gonna read it flat.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Okay. ‘Cos you really can’t do it as well as they did.
Casey:
No. They’ve nailed it?
Jeff:
They probably have some… Right.
Casey:
They’ve nailed it.
Jeff:
As it were, right.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
Embrace…
Casey:
They nailed it like Martin Luther.
Jeff:
Yes. They nailed it like Luther.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
“Embrace the power of decision.” The power, by the way, of decision. “You are one of the select few who have been given the power to judge.”
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
“Imagine the pleasure of gorgeous women fighting for your attention. Experience the envy of all men.” Okay, that was the first little Haiku as it were…
Casey:
Yeah. Is this in somebody’s iambic pentameter? What’s going on here?
Jeff:
Yeah, a little bit.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
“Embrace the power…” Again, “Embrace the power of selecting 4 of the 20 most beautiful women from around the country who will move on to compete in the final competition. The best part…”
Casey:
So your job is you’re a 1 in 5 eliminator?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“The best part — You’re the judge.” Then it says, “Reveal your power and behold the beauty as you take on the lovely contestants in a no holds barred poker tournament…”
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Poker tournament.
Casey:
That doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
Well, maybe they’ll leave in the strip poker part of it…
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
But I’m assuming that it’s normal poker tournament… “… In the new poker lounge.” The poker lounge sucks, by the way, at The Hard Rock.
Casey:
Alright, now you’re getting kicked out.
Jeff:
I’m not gonna pretend that this is a good place to go. “Experience the power and join us again or experience it for the first time,” okay.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
They have a little schedule here.
Casey:
Oh, do they? Now, wait, can I ask…
Jeff:
Can you see this? It’s a little…
Casey:
It’s a crown.
Jeff:
Tiara.
Casey:
It’s a Tiara, yes.
Jeff:
Yeah, a tiara. “Friday — Register and meet the contestants. Saturday — Poker tournament. Sunday — Bikini runway show. Sunday night — Awards party.” Basically, they’re trying to say, without saying it, “You’re gonna fuck a model if you go down for the model search,” right?
Casey:
Awesome. Yeah, pretty much. Now, I assume that revealing your power…
Jeff:
What else is that?
Casey:
’Cos there’s not a lot of other ways that you can reveal anything at all, really…
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Power is kind of there or it’s not.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
It’s not, like, hidden…
Jeff:
Vegas rules.
Casey:
“Unzip and reveal your power…”
Jeff:
Right. Until I got the East Lake Church thing, I was like, “Vegas just rules.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But now, I’m thinking, like, [ Linwood ] [inaudible 40:53]
Casey:
It does sound…
Jeff:
Bothell. Bothell.
Casey:
Bothell, yeah.
Jeff:
There’s shit going down in Bothell.
Casey:
There certainly is.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Alright.
Casey:
Well, this is pretty impressive, this little thing here. Let me take a look at this. “You be the judge.”
Jeff:
“You, in fact, are the judge.” I like how in the front, “Is it wrong to Judge the women by the cover?” They capitalized J. Do you have any idea why they did that? It’s kind of like the book, “House…”
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t know.
Jeff:
“House of Leaves” where they pulled the word, “house”, all through it and you don’t know why.
Casey:
I don’t know. And this thing is kind of impressive. The whole thing is very, like… Now, I don’t know if I’m the only person who’s seeing this. Maybe we’ll have to scan both of them…
Jeff:
We can scan both.
Casey:
But now, if you look at the graphic design of the backing of these 2 flyers…
Jeff:
They’re exactly the same.
Casey:
It’s exactly the same. It’s, like, the same spiral-y clipart…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
On the Jesus freaks one and on the Hard Rock model one.
Jeff:
In fact, the Hard Rock model fucking is probably a little more subtle…
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
If anything…
Casey:
It’s definitely classier.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right? ‘Cos this is completely no class. You’ve got 2 blindfolded people on a porn flyer…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Versus a relatively classy thing here, right…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And even the woman who’s on it is not blindfolded, which is a plus.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I guess, right?
Jeff:
Or a minus. You never know.
Casey:
But… Exactly. So…
Jeff:
“Allow me to reveal my power.”
Casey:
Yes, exactly. Blindfold your power as you… That, I would think would concern somebody a little bit, the identical graphic design between your church and the Hard Rock prostitution ring.
Jeff:
It’s good stuff. These are definitely going to be up on the site. So I encourage everybody to go and…
Casey:
Yes, let’s go ahead and post those along with the podcast. Yeah. Click through on the podcast link and you will see in the contents section…
Jeff:
And it will reveal my power.
Casey:
Both flyers, front and back…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
For your viewing enjoyment. Brought to you by Canon. We need to start putting ads in the podcast since we had that situation where we were complaining about ads and then there was the thing at [inaudible 42:47] all like, “Yeah, it’s fine. Ads are great. We love ‘em.”
Jeff:
We basically gave a glowing endorsement to East Side Church just now.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
You know…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
What kind of freaks that listen to our podcast that are gonna show up there? They’re gonna be like, “Alright, I heard form Jeff & Casey…”
Casey:
“Ding, ding. Look who brought the Asian boob machine.”
Jeff:
“Well, this is awkward. Sorry.”
Casey:
That’s gonna be great.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, nothing would make me happier than to know that a bunch of sex-crazed individuals showed up at some East Lake Church thing and totally went to town.
Jeff:
Again, how… You know, we have former sex industry insiders, you have former porn addicts, and then you have the XXX Church Pastors…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You know after that’s over…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s some hooking up going on…
Casey:
Oh, absolutely. Well, yeah…
Jeff:
It’s like a sex addiction focus group.
Casey:
Right. Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
Right. Like, all that does is put people together that should be nowhere near each other.
Casey:
Who are gonna have sex… Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
If you want to treat someone for sex addiction…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You need to put them with the Weight Watchers group.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, you get…
Casey:
No, no…
Jeff:
You make a mix.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s like, “Oh, we’re gonna have an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“We’re gonna merge that with our Beers that Want to Get Drunk meeting…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Like, drunk by humans. And we’re gonna put those together and really work out some problems.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “No, no, no. This is not a good situation at all.”
Jeff:
The AA Beer Blowout on Sunday night…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Wait… Yeah. No, no. It’s definitely no good.
Casey:
It is no good, absolutely.
Jeff:
Alright. I got one more thing I want to talk about that’s kind of on the Jeff…
Casey:
I thought this was gonna be a recurring segment. Are we gonna have a recurring segment with this? ‘Cos I see what you’re pawing over there.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah. Let’s do this a couple times. So we’re at Powell’s. And the only place that I really find amusing there is Pop Section. It’s usually the only one ‘cos I can sit around and I just flip through the things. Anything technical, I’ll just order online…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So walking around, I noticed a book called “The Van Halen Saga”, okay. And I like Van Halen.
Casey:
Which already is kind of an amazing way of referring to them.
Jeff:
Yes. Yeah, and I’m not embarrassed about liking Van Halen. Now, I will say…
Casey:
It’s kind of like a Japanese RPG name, in some sense, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“The Van Halen Saga”, you know…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Colon, like…
Jeff:
With the crazy powers?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So you have your troop of 4…
Casey:
Heroes of Drumming…
Jeff:
And like, you can…Michael Anthony has, like, Plus 5…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Jack Daniels…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it’s kind of 8-bit music still so it’s like, “Beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.” Keep going.
Jeff:
Anyway, so I saw this and I, like… I was just gonna pick it up and flip through the pictures that were in the middle of the book. Only, I happen to flip it over and it had some reviews on the back. And the top review is, “One of 2007’s most intriguing books. — LA Weekly” Okay.
Casey:
Now, that’s non-specific as to what was intriguing about it but yes, okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. I read right past it.
Casey:
It certainly does sound like a [ plus ].
Jeff:
And the next one is, “Highly recommend for Van Halen completist.”
Casey:
That should have clued you in right there.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I was like…
Casey:
Like, if only a Van Halen completist…
Jeff:
That’s why Chuck Klosterman writes for Esquire and Rolling Stone Magazine. I actually like his writing quite a bit.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So I’m like, “Okay. Maybe this book’s actually good.”
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
So I bought it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
This book, first off… There’s nothing in this book I didn’t know, okay.
Casey:
So you kind of are a Van Halen completist, if I may.
Jeff:
I guess? I don’t think that’s true.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I think the entire book was written from his internet enabled machine and he was paraphrasing and elaborating upon Wikipedia.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Okay. This is the most fanboy I’ve ever seen a book published by, like, a major… I mean, it could delve right into, like, fanfic in the middle…
Casey:
Right, right…
Jeff:
Where David Lee Roth fucks Eddy. I mean, it’s that over the top.
Casey:
It’s like “The Halo Saga by GameSpot”.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
It’s like, awesome. Yeah, it’s like…
Jeff:
Yeah, it is basically like…
Casey:
“Quite possibly the finest series of videogames that has ever been released or will be.”
Jeff:
No, not videogames. Artwork.
Casey:
“… Of entertainment experiences.”
Jeff:
Entertainment, right. Anyway, so I read it. And I dog-eared many pages because I read the whole thing. And my enjoyment changed from, like, looking forward to reading something about Van Halen to being solely entertained by the writing style.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Right? And so, what kept me going was my curiosity of how he just keeps [ topping ] himself.
Casey:
You just wanted to see what was gonna happen next…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In terms of prose.
Jeff:
So I thought I’d read a little passage here. And this is…
Casey:
I thought we were gonna do a segment. Are we not gonna do a segment?
Jeff:
No, we’ll do… Occasionally, I’ll do another segment…
Casey:
Right. So let’s introduce the segment properly.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
This is gonna be “The Van Halen Saga”…
Jeff:
By Ian Christe…
Casey:
Part 1.
Jeff:
Part 1.
Casey:
Here it goes.
Jeff:
Alright. This is from Chapter 14, which is called “Melon-choly and the Infinite Sadness”. I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Casey:
The “Infinite Sadness”?
Jeff:
Nobody fucks a melon in this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I have no idea what they’re going for. There’s no dogs. I have no idea.
Casey:
Can I just say one thing right now? I am so spot on with the JRPG thing. “The Van Halen Saga: Infinite Sadness” is totally a JRPG name.
Jeff:
Yeah. Oh, that’s true. Yeah, totally. Yeah, okay.
Casey:
If ever there was one…
Jeff:
Okay. So now, in this chapter, it’s kind of a downer…
Casey:
Alright, bringing it down.
Jeff:
Like, this is during David Lee Roth after he released his first couple albums which were hits.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
And he’s on the downside of his career.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s sad.
Jeff:
So he’s talking about his ‘94 album, “You Filthy Little Mouth”, okay. “The song ’Everybody’s Got the Monkey’ was an improvement on the silly fun that slipped through his grasp on skyscraper. Roth’s voice had regained its throaty purr. And the big rock sound was fully flushed.”
Casey:
Flushed?
Jeff:
Flushed. “Jumping in and out of genres like an impatient channel switcher, he also dabbled in Country Western music with Cheating Heart Café, a duet with Travis Tritt, ‘No Big [ Thing ]’ [inaudible 48:48] Covering Willie Nelson’s ‘Blues Nightlife’, a short haired and moody Roth took a melancholy stroll through the big city — From the slick rainy sidewalks to a subway train, no company except for his cigarette. The grainy black and white music video could’ve done for lost souls what California girls did for bikinis…” Sorry, listen…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Fuck. Stop it. Stop it.
Casey:
That’s amazing.
Jeff:
Okay. Okay.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
Hold on, I gotta look it up.
Casey:
Oh, this guy is amazing.
Jeff:
“The grainy black and white music video could’ve done for lost souls what California girls did for bikinis except that virtually nobody saw it. Roth was becoming a tree, falling alone in the wilderness.”
Casey:
No, he was not. Oh, my God.
Jeff:
“The Van Halen Saga”…
Casey:
Okay, that is definitely gonna be a recurring segment.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
There is no question. We will have “The Van Halen Saga”…
Jeff:
I’m sorry to bring it down.
Casey:
The Saga will continue.
Jeff:
With that very sad, you know…
Casey:
“The Melon-choly”…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Wow, dude.
Jeff:
I didn’t mean to bring it down but sometimes you have to do it.
Casey:
That was fucking awesome.
Jeff:
“…for lost souls what California girls did for bikinis…”
Casey:
Well, I’m surely not gonna be able to top that. I will say that. But one thing that I did want to say was that we received a wonderful new story from one of our listeners.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And I thought that I might share this new story because it’s…
Jeff:
Pretty awesome?
Casey:
I think it’s pretty awesome. It’s not as good, you know, not to pre-judge it. But it’s not as good as inflatable dog turd destroys orphanage.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
’Cos that one…
Jeff:
I don’t know if you can top that.
Casey:
I don’t think we’re ever gonna top that, like…
Jeff:
We got 35 minutes out of that story.
Casey:
I will be really surprised.
Jeff:
I don’t think we can ever do that, top it again.
Casey:
That story was amazing.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But this one’s pretty good. It is “Fish Found in Boy’s Penis”.
Jeff:
Yeah. We’ve all been there.
Casey:
And it is, “A 2-centimeter long fish apparently found its way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, one thing that you might assume when you read this… Because I actually am familiar with… I remember reading this in, like, you know, scary parasites bits…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That in certain lakes, right…
Jeff:
Could’ve been a link I sent you.
Casey:
There are these crazy things called flukes that will actually swim up your urethra. It scared the shit out of me. I was like, “I’m never going swimming again, right.”
Jeff:
“That’s it for me.”
Casey:
So this is what… I’m assuming it’s like, person goes swimming in some faraway country, right, where they don’t have, like, chlorinated water or something. And like…
Jeff:
Something goes wrong…
Casey:
Something swims up the penis, okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It swims up the penis. That’s what I’m thinking.
Jeff:
Yep. There’s no light at the end of that tunnel.
Casey:
That is not what happened in the story at all.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
“The patient was admitted to hospital,” the definite article being omitted here for… Brevity?
Jeff:
No, for British-ness.
Casey:
Oh, okay. “The patient was admitted to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention spanning a 24-hour period.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“According to the boy, the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium at home.”
Jeff:
Oops. I hate when that happens.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I’m feeding the fish…
Casey:
Oops. Right.
Jeff:
Oh, my Good. It flew right into my penis.
Casey:
Exactly. Right. So now, you’re thinking…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Even if you’re trying to be generous to this new story, you’re thinking that, like… The aquarium was on a very low shelf and you had boxer shorts on, you know…
Jeff:
Yep, you know, sometimes you hang free.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And die…
Casey:
Right. Something like that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I’m not sure… You’re trying to construct something plausible in your head here that is similar to my fluke situation but you’re probably failing.
Jeff:
Yep. He was…
Casey:
But you’re still not even close.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Professor…” I can’t pronounce his name. “Professor Vezhaventhan and Professor J--…”
Jeff:
Let’s call him Van Halen.
Casey:
“Jeyaraman…”
Jeff:
Professor Van Halen…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And Professor Roth.
Casey:
Okay. “… who treated the boy and later wrote a paper on the case…”
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
They must’ve been struggling for publication.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Explained: ‘While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand…”
Jeff:
Of course, you do it from time to time.
Casey:
Now, it seems to me like there would be limited time period where that would be possible, given the fact that fish cannot breathe oxygen very effectively.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But, “’While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.’”
Jeff:
Of course. That explain it. Mystery solved.
Casey:
A…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
No lesson.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Always put the fish down before you pee.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay? And I think that’s just a general thing that we should state blanketly.
Jeff:
So if we know that the proctologist thing…
Casey:
Lesson # 2… We have 2 lessons.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Lesson # 2 — If you have a fish stuck in your penis, it is way past the point of needing to lie to your doctor.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just don’t lie to the doctor, okay?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Just tell him what you were doing with the fish up your penis, alright? It’s not gonna lessen the embarrassment.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
By pretending that this elaborate sort of circumstances…
Jeff:
You have an excuse for it…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like…
Jeff:
Like, you don’t get a paper out of it.
Casey:
There is a fish in your penis.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay? Now is not the time…
Jeff:
To make shit up.
Casey:
To try and appear normal.
Jeff:
Right. Just tell the doctor.
Casey:
You cannot appear normal with a fish in your penis, alright?
Jeff:
You put the fish food on the penis…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
And you were fishing.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
That’s what you were thinking. You had a plan.
Casey:
Yes, absolutely.
Jeff:
It had to, like… When the fish went up to eat their food…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
They make kind of a sucking sensation…
Casey:
Yep, exactly. Right.
Jeff:
Your mind… The gears started turning…
Casey:
Yes, exactly. You had an elaborate plan…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It went horribly wrong as it always does. Just say, “Please can you get the fish out of my penis?” If you want, just be like, “You don’t want to know,” right? That’s probably what I would say, right? I’d show up with the fish in bladder and I’d be like. . .
Jeff:
And just say, “Long story.”
Casey:
“You really don’t want to know. Can you just get the fish out of my penis, please?”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right. Okay? And I think that’s the more mature way to handle it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay? Because no one’s gonna be like, “Oh, we’re not gonna call you the guy with the fish in his penis anymore…”
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
“Because it was a total innocent mistake.”
Jeff:
An accident, right.
Casey:
Right? That it could happen to anyone…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Fish in penis.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
This is gonna be your big… This is your 15 minutes.
Casey:
Well, that’s a good point.
Jeff:
You may as well use it wisely.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
It’s like, “I got the fish in my penis and I’d do it again.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I want my spot on “Big Brother”.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Absolutely.
Jeff:
Yeah. No, I…
Casey:
Is that a Guinness Book of World Record? They didn’t mention that.
Jeff:
What? How long…
Casey:
2-centimeter fish. Is that the longest fish anyone’s ever gotten in their penis?
Jeff:
Well, here’s what I… He didn’t seek medical attention for a day. And I wonder if he knew. Like, he counted the fish and he’s like, “Fuck,” ‘cos like, there’s one fewer than there should’ve been and you’re like, “Oh, man.” First, you look around, see if it jumped out. And then you’re like, “I know he was just here.” And then, you’re recounting and you’re like…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
“Wait a second, when I was dipping my dick in the water, what if he… Oh, fuckballs.”
Casey:
Awesome. You don’t think he felt, like, a little guppy swimming around in there?
Jeff:
No, I think that was like, you know, when you’re piecing it back together. Like when you lose your keys and you’re like…
Casey:
“Now, where did I put the fish…”
Jeff:
“Let me retrace my… Where did I put the fish?”
Casey:
“I was holding the fish. I went to go to the bathroom. I should’ve…”
Jeff:
“Oh, my God…”
Casey:
“I didn’t have the fish when I came back out of the bathroom.”
Jeff:
“…out of the bathroom. That sneaky little fucker.” You know, really, you can’t blame the fish. He’s in the hand, struggling for his life.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
He sees some liquid…
Casey:
A stream of liquid.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. He’s like, “All of my ancestors swim upstream…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yep, “That’s how they had me.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. That is not the way to go.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That is not the way to go.
Casey:
It is definitely not the way to go. Was the fish alright?
Jeff:
I don’t know. You know what…
Casey:
It says that, “The fish the urologists removed, which Practical Fishkeeping believes to be a small member of the Betta genus…”
Jeff:
Wait, wait, wait. Practical Fishkeeping is, like, an aquarium magazine?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
So that means… Wait, wait. That means the article writer tried to get professional sources, right?
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
You can’t just… Like any respected journalist…
Casey:
Right. Right, yeah…
Jeff:
He’s gonna have multiple sources.
Casey:
Yeah. “Who do we have who’s a fish in penis expert? Can you get me someone for the spot on this?”
Jeff:
“Get the aquarium people on the phone.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“We need to talk about this.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right? And they’re like, “Goddamn it, what a day to pick up the phone.”
Casey:
“Now, Bob, the first thing to remember when you have a fish stuck in your penis is not to panic. And I can’t stress that enough.”
Jeff:
“Can’t stress that enough,” right.
Casey:
“Ones of people every year… How did this situation happen? It is absolutely nothing to be concerned about.”
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
So, yeah. I don’t know if the fish… They did not specific what happened to the fish. In typical homo sapien-centric reporting…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
No one cares what happened to the fish.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
The fish is irrelevant, apparently.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
This fish lived for a day and a half in pure urine.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Nobody was interested about whether or not the fish was okay. I find that a little offensive.
Jeff:
Yep. Maybe soaking in human urine also gave him some super powers.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, he started to gain…
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Sentience in there.
Casey:
Yeah, absolutely.
Jeff:
And then, just as he gains it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He realizes where the fuck he is…
Casey:
Right. Turns out, urea was the primary thing preventing fish brains from developing the ability to use language and stuff like this. He’s back in the fish tank now and he’s like, “Hey, what you guys doing?” And they’re all, like… Like, what the fuck?
Jeff:
Being away from the urine a long time, it will just be like “Flowers for “Algernon”.
Casey:
Oh, it’ll be sad.
Jeff:
He will revert, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Charlie, the fish…
Casey:
He can’t… Oh, that is so sad.
Jeff:
Right. Will come back…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
As the water stops [inaudible 59:14]
Casey:
So this, previously, I thought was a comedy story. It turns out, it’s a tragedy…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
For the fish, actually…
Jeff:
Like David Lee Roth.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But at the end, he doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know that he’s smart.
Jeff:
He doesn’t remember. Right.
Casey:
So is it really bad if the tree falls in the forest like David Lee Roth?
Jeff:
Who did fall…
Casey:
Yeah. Now what does David Lee Roth, the tree, sound like when he’s falling, right? It’s like, “Aaah…” You know, it’s like, some kind of loud screaming sound… I think if David Lee Roth is the tree that falls in the [ Buddhist ] forest, it definitely fucking makes a sound.
Jeff:
You’d hear a sound. Well, maybe…
Casey:
I think we can say, like, out of hand, it makes a sound.
Jeff:
Maybe there’s no sound but the tree has, like, sequins. And like, light reflectors all over it.
Casey:
It sparkles.
Jeff:
And it tips over…
Casey:
It’s a sparkly tree.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
With a very tight trunk on, if you know what I’m saying. Falls in the forest.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We have one semi-related story to that that we’ve had for a while. Do you want to talk about the might angler fish?
Casey:
Nope.
Jeff:
You don’t want to talk about it?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
You’re afraid to or you just think it’s too much for our listeners?
Casey:
Well, you know, here’s the thing, right. I think that there’s the whole thing about the praying mantis, right, and people always say some elaborate tale about how the female mantis eats the male mantis and all that stuff, right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But it was comforting to know that that was an isolated incident in nature, right.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
There aren’t a lot of females eating their male mates.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, at least not that I’m aware of. Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t want to be any more aware of that.
Casey:
Right, exactly. But this actually was a case where nature sort of almost topped it in terms of the metaphor of the situation, if you will.
Jeff:
The unimportance of male, right?
Casey:
Right, exactly. It was about reducing it down to…
Jeff:
It’s essence.
Casey:
What you actually were worth, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So here’s the deal. This is the angler fish. And the problem with the angler fish was that when they started researching the angler fish, they could not figure out why all angler fish were female, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They could tell that it was a sexually reproducing organism…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
From its genetics… But it could not find a male.
Jeff:
They were thinking spontaneous sexual change and all that stuff…
Casey:
So they were like, “What the hell is going on here? Like, what’s going…” And remember, these are biologists, right…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So these are not real scientists. They’re biologists. They’re the kinds of people who like to be out in the woods, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Waiting a long time to see some little owl flitter by or whatever. They like to make little trees and try to put shit on one side of the branch or whatever…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Totally artificially, right… And like, that’s what they’re into, right…
Jeff:
And get high…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Get high in the forest…
Casey:
Get high… Yeah. Right. It’s [ a hemp thing ].
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
The 12-inch [inaudible 61:59]
Casey:
So you know, I mean, when I say it was puzzling to them, it probably meant, you know, years went by where they just had no fucking idea, right, until somebody from outside the lab showed up and was like, “Hey…”
Jeff:
“Your funding’s getting cut off.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Hey, did you notice these?”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, pretty much. So it said in here… It was like… Then, when they looked closer…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They determined that actually, the male angler fish exists for an extremely short period of time because at birth, I’m gonna quote here, “Male ceratioids are already equipped with extremely well-developed olfactory organs that detects scents in the water. When it is mature, the male’s digestive system degenerates, making him incapable of feeding independently, which necessitates his quickly finding a female anglerfish to prevent his death.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, that is the same as humans so far.
Jeff:
Yes. That’s like middle aged men… They can no longer make their own food.
Casey:
Right, exactly. “The sensitive olfactory organs…” Right. So that’s fine.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I have no problem with that.
Jeff:
No problem.
Casey:
The same with humans. Okay.
Jeff:
You gotta find somebody to make…
Casey:
“The sensitive olfactory organs help the male to detect the pheromones that signal the proximity of a female anglerfish. When he finds a female, he bites into her skin,” so still same as…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Basically the same thing.
Casey:
“And releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body,” so that… Different.
Jeff:
Takes a turn.
Casey:
Now, we have gotten to uncomfortable territory.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Fusing the pair down to the blood-vessel level.”
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
So, like, this is like, “Literally, we are mating.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“We are merging into one thing.”
Jeff:
Yes. Yep.
Casey:
This is not sex. This is, like, union.
Jeff:
Yep, this is like Zippy, your little conjoined twin.
Casey:
There’s no divorce here. Right. This is like conjoined twins.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay. Now, “The male then atrophies into nothing more than a pair of gonads…”
Jeff:
He shrinks, as it were.
Casey:
So again, not much different from humans.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Which releases sperm in response to hormones in the female’s bloodstream indicating egg release.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“This extreme sexual dimorphism ensures that, when the female is ready to spawn, she has a mate immediately available.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Part of her, in fact.
Jeff:
Like “a mate”, in quotes.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos it’s really just a pair of balls…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Hanging off of her.
Casey:
Exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like a pair of dice.
Casey:
Yeah, fuzzy dice on a windshield…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Rearview mirror.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So basically, everything was the same as humans except the part that scared me was that, like, digest the lips part.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s not good.
Casey:
It’s secreting acid that digests your own lips?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That’s, like… You think acid reflux is bad. I mean, that’s terrifying, right? It’s, like, gonna eat me from the lips out, you know what I mean?
Jeff:
I don’t like any of that.
Casey:
It’s like Steven Tyler’s worst nightmare.
Jeff:
Yep. Oh, it’s happened to him before. Let’s be honest, right?
Casey:
That’s right. He’s actually had it been cut off…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That was where he was separated from his first love.
Jeff:
“I have to go in for rehab…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Right. Absolutely. So that was the angler fish. A terrifying story…
Jeff:
That is not the way it should go.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, but that’s the way it went.
Jeff:
Well, that reduces men down to the only thing they really can do well.
Casey:
Yes, exactly, which is produce sperm.
Jeff:
That’s it.
Casey:
The only thing they can do well that someone else can’t do.
Jeff:
Do you think there’s a little bit of male mind in there floating around going, “Honey, you’re going the wrong way. No, you gotta take a right here, then straight.”
Casey:
That’s like a backseat driver, a back-testicle driver.
Jeff:
“[inaudible 65:30] Oh, alright, fine.”
Casey:
It turns out the annoying navigational characteristics of men are actually stored in the testes. What are the chances? Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s still there.
Casey:
Right. The female angler fish oddly always positions herself such that the testes are pointing towards the television.
Jeff:
And somehow, the remote is always missing.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I don’t really have a good way to introduce this next segment so I’m just going to tell you, first of all…
Jeff:
Yes, what happened?
Casey:
That it is based on a link. And the link is Sauce_1350983_article.html/basement_covered.html
Jeff:
That’s my AOL account name.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Sauce…
Casey:
And the article begins: “Man Found in Wisconsin Basement Covered in Barbecue Sauce”.
Jeff:
It happens. It’s Wisconsin. You know, if you’re…
Casey:
Wisconsin is known for their barbecue sauce, right? A world leader in barbecue…
Jeff:
Well, they have something with the cheese and barbecue, right?
Casey:
Cheese and barbecue sauce…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah, from Wisconsin. “In Appleton, Wisconsin, a couple telephoned police in the middle of the night after finding a man in their basement covered head to toe in barbecue sauce.”
Jeff:
You know, you walk home and you see a naked man covered in brown, you’re not thinking barbecue sauce…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re thinking, “Oh, my God…”
Casey:
Well, that’s…
Jeff:
“It’s a shit covered man in my basement.”
Casey:
Here’s the first thing. It’s like, “Holy shit, what the… Hmmm… Barbecue…” What happened exactly that let them know that it was barbecue sauce? Like, did they reach out and…
Jeff:
And touch him? Oh… No!
Casey:
Take a little bit there just like… And then like… To the tongue. And then, like, “Mmm… Barbecue.” Right?
Jeff:
No, it had to be the Dorito-style smell.
Casey:
Alright. And were there other men nearby who just weren’t seen — One in sweet & sour, one in ranch? You know, that's the other question. But anyway…
Jeff:
“Hi, I’m honey mustard.” “I’m ranch.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. The police officers who responded to the scene asked the man why he was covered in barbecue sauce.
Jeff:
Yeah, fair question.
Casey:
A fair question, I should say.
Jeff:
Especially before you’re about to put him in the backseat of your cruiser and it’s gonna fucking stink like barbecue sauce…
Casey:
Wow. Yeah. It’s like, “I want a fucking explanation.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’d take him out in the back and hose him off, “Pulp Fiction”-style, right… But you know… I have no idea.
Jeff:
No, you can’t. That’s all the evidence.
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
You can’t spray him off before you get him to the… That’s, like, your 3rd Miranda Right.
Casey:
I want to see the lawyer, like, dip a chicken finger in it in the courtroom and be like, “Would any of the jury like to taste the barbecue sauce.” Anyway…
Jeff:
If you don’t dip, you must acquit.
Casey:
Must acquit, yes. Anyway, his response when asked what the purpose was in covering himself head to toe… Head to toe…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
In barbecue sauce…
Jeff:
And he was naked, right? Or we just assume?
Casey:
No. It does not say that.
Jeff:
Okay. I just… I guess I… Fuck. I imagined that.
Casey:
We know that there’s one layer…
Jeff:
That’s more disturbing.
Casey:
We know that he’s in one layer of barbecue sauce.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Whether there are other layers, I’m not sure.
Jeff:
We don’t know. Okay.
Casey:
There’s at least one layer of just pure barbecue sauce.
Jeff:
What does this say about me that this entire time, I’m imagining a naked barbecue sauce man?
Casey:
It says that you have been attending the “greatest men’s breakfast”…
Jeff:
Apparently…
Casey:
In the Pacific Northwest a little too often, apparently.
Jeff:
I’m really disturbed. Wow.
Casey:
Anyway, his answer, which we have been circumlocuting for quite some time now…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And I’m finally zeroing on…
Jeff:
Because it’s the perfect answer…
Casey:
He told the officers that it was “urban camouflage”.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So the idea here is that if you are covered head to toe in barbecue sauce, it will be harder to people to see you in a city setting.
Jeff:
Yes, of course.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because you just blend in.
Casey:
You blend right in.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, here’s the problem. Here’s what he didn’t think of — Although they will not be able to see you, they will be able to smell you…
Jeff:
To smell you, right.
Casey:
From quite some distance, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Solid Snake learned this the hard way, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like…
Jeff:
He was not able.
Casey:
He’s underneath the box, sneaking around. He thinks he’s home free and Autocon says, you know, “Snake, wait. The enemies may be able to smell your deliciousness. You have to do something to mask your deliciousness.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Of course… Well, actually, if it was a “Metal Gears Solid” game, it would probably be more the case that you had to pick what to coat yourself with based on what the enemies in that area like to eat.
Jeff:
I see. You have to equip.
Casey:
It’s like, they’re eating barbecue things so you cloak your scent by covering yourself head to toe in barbecue sauce.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
So it could be wasabi, right?
Casey:
Right, exactly. It depends what they’re eating.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Knowing, like…
Casey:
Wasabi doesn’t have a scent…
Jeff:
It does not?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
I thought it had kind of a… Make your eyes water if you sniff it…
Casey:
If you eat it maybe but you can’t… It’s very hard to smell wasabi at a distance. Like, barbecue sauce, you put the plate down, you can smell barbecue sauce. If you put a plate down that’s wasabi, you can’t smell anything.
Jeff:
If there’s a guy covered in barbecue sauce…
Casey:
You’re gonna know.
Jeff:
You’re gonna know.
Casey:
Dude…
Jeff:
Wasabi…
Casey:
Dude, if the guy was naked and he had any abrasions and he covered himself in wasabi, that’s kinda dangerous.
Jeff:
Whoa…
Casey:
Although it doesn’t seem to have the same problem as oil-based heat. So maybe not…
Jeff:
Maybe he’ll be okay?
Casey:
I have no idea. I don’t want to know. Why am I even asking that question?
Jeff:
I want to see, like, the TV show like, “That’s Incredible” or some Japanese game show…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where you cover the person’s in various flavors…
Casey:
Yes. Well, the man explained slightly more, actually…
Jeff:
Yeah. You think?
Casey:
Well, what I should say first is the homeowners woke up to what they say were whistling sounds. “The husband grabbed his shotgun and headed toward the basement where he found the sauced-up intruder.” And the article actually uses the phrase, “sauced up”.
Jeff:
You can tell sometimes when the writers are having a good time.
Casey:
Yeah, they’re having a good time.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“He held him at gunpoint until police arrived. ” “Oh, what’d you do last night?” “Oh, nothing. I just had to keep my shotgun trained on this barbecue-sauce covered guy until the cops showed up.” And it’s like, “Oh, yeah. Right.” Typical Wisconsin evening…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay. Anyway, the sauced-up intruder then went on to explain why he needed the urban camouflage.
Jeff:
Okay. In the middle of Wisconsin.
Casey:
He had covered himself in barbecue sauce because he wanted to hide from the government.
Jeff:
Well, of course. I mean…
Casey:
Now, I can’t think of a way to get noticed by some element of the government faster than covering yourself in barbecue sauce, right? It’s like, you might as well send an email to WhiteHouse.gov that says, like…
Jeff:
“I’m covered barbecue sauce…”
Casey:
“I love terrorists,” or something.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. And, “I’m covered barbecue sauce,” right? It’s like, if you want to hide from the government, not covering yourself in barbecue sauce is an excellent first step down that road, okay?
Jeff:
“I’m smokey bacon Bin Laden.”
Casey:
Right, exactly. Some people dodge the draft by going to Canada. Others covered themselves in barbecue sauce.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. Maybe that’s why we can’t take liquids on the plane is because of barbecue sauce boy.
Casey:
Yeah, they’re afraid you’ll sauce up in the middle of the journey.
Jeff:
On the plane…
Casey:
You go, “Oh, I need to use the restroom.” And then all of a sudden, the dude comes out covered…
Jeff:
Because the first time TSA [ saw ] a naked man covered in barbecue sauce, a tinfoil hat, but he had his IS.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And they’re like…
Casey:
Right, “It’s fine.”
Jeff:
“Well, it’s fine.”
Casey:
“We had to let him on.”
Jeff:
“Let him on.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“Take off those shoes. It leaves little smoky footprints…”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“Going through the thing.”
Casey:
Yeah. And they’re gonna be like, “We’ve raised the threat level to orange which indicates that there may be increased deliciousness from Al Qaeda during the month of October, right, in preparation for the Islamic Holy Day, Dip-a-Thon that they’re having in Saudi Arabia at the local Burger King.” Right?
Jeff:
Do not lick any of these terrorists…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Until after the sun goes down.
Casey:
Exactly. Tell an adult. Do not lick. Tell an adult.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, threat level — honey bacon.
Casey:
Yeah. Now, what I was want to know is where was the family dog because that’s when things would’ve gotten a lot more interesting, right? Let’s assume he was naked. God, I hope he was naked, right… Covered in barbecue sauce, it’s Wisconsin. The guy has a shot gun. How is there not a golden retriever in this picture?
Jeff:
Right. Lots of Labradors…
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
What am I missing?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Like c’mon people…
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Big wheel of cheese and we’re all done. Like, we’ve got it all wrapped up in a nice little package. Somehow, the one time a dude shows up entirely covered in something dogs love, there is no dog around. That is not right.
Jeff:
Oh, my God. That is good action.
Casey:
Yeah. Of course, maybe the dog’s passed out in the corner. He licked off the first coat. Dude had to reapply, right. It’s like, SPF-30, right. It’s like, “Oh, yeah. Periodically during the day, if the hounds are out…”
Jeff:
You’ll have to reapply.
Casey:
You’re gonna have to reapply.
Jeff:
Every 30 minutes.
Casey:
Yeah, you’re gonna have to reapply. It’s urban camouflage. It only lasts an hour in the sun.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It is waterproof.
Casey:
Mmhmmm, absolutely.
Jeff:
Alright, we need to wrap up. We’re almost out of time. Wow…
Casey:
Due to your ridiculous reaper skills and swapping segments and doing all kinds of crazy stuff, do we even have a concept of time anymore?
Jeff:
Yeah. This will be a 30-minute segment.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. You just make a bonus. Make it into a bonus.
Jeff:
That’s right. Bonus section. Well…
Casey:
“Got a little bonus for you.” Bonus and pancakes…
Jeff:
I want to point out that another week has gone by with no more stories. Goddamn it, listeners.
Casey:
Why do you think the listeners are gonna send stories when they can, instead, just take 10 seconds and send an animal link that I’ve already seen?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true.
Casey:
And get way more fun out of it…
Jeff:
That could be true.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Alright. So that means… You know, send us a story or an animal link.
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
To Podcast@MollyRocket.com
Casey:
Oh, fabulous.
Jeff:
That’s right. And we will see you all next week.
Casey:
Take it easy, everyone.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 32
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