Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
007 Gets Out of His Hatchback
"Everything that you want to have happen with a giant inflatable dog turd is happening."
Original air date: August 25th, 2008
Topics. Ninja is binary. Coke->Mr. Pibb->RC Cola->Shasta->Safeway Select. Tony the Ninja. James Bond drives a hatchback. Professional podcasters. Complex Shit. Jeff solves the airlines’ marketing problems. Background music. Emergency system fail. ASCAP minimum. Free-face. Listener mail. Horrible human beings. New Jersey ninjas. Advertising is completely corrosive. Quotation/sarcasm marks. Product placement is worse.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello.
Jeff:
It is Sunday, August 24th.
Casey:
Yes, it is. It’s a Sunday.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Normally it’s a Saturday.
Jeff:
Right. And I’m Jeff Roberts.
Casey:
And I’m Casey Muratori.
Jeff:
And we’re professional podcasters.
Casey:
No, because we… How many times do we have to go over this? In order to be a professional, you must receive some form of compensation for your services, okay. That is, I believe, the dictionary…
Jeff:
A job well done is not enough?
Casey:
No. You can be a charitable podcaster, right… You could be podcasting for the public good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But you cannot be a professional podcaster if you have never received monetary compensation.
Jeff:
We got those t-shirts. That counts.
Casey:
You do have a point there.
Jeff:
Yeah. So we are professional podcasters now. Thank you, who ever sent us those. Now…
Casey:
That’s a very good point.
Jeff:
We can put that on our…
Casey:
I guess we are professional podcasters…
Jeff:
Our 1040. Yeah, it’s…
Casey:
Sweet. Yeah, it’s like you got… “What is this $15 you got here on your 1040 from podcasting income?” Even the IRS would doubt it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They’d be like, “Hmmm… You are so living a fantasy life here.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re like, “No. No, man. This is my second job.”
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
They’re like, “Hmmm… No, I’m sorry. You can just keep the $2 we would’ve taken from that. We don’t want to lend credence to your stupid theory.”
Jeff:
One thing that we have to stop doing is pounding the table every podcast.
Casey:
Why? I like hearing that on the podcast.
Jeff:
Well, it like… I’m sitting there listening with my headphones and it blast me out. So I know it must blast our listeners.
Casey:
Yeah, but the audio mix on this podcast is so beyond terrible…
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
You’re nitpicking on this thing that’s so not relevant.
Jeff:
This one little problem…
Casey:
It’s like, normally our voices are so different that it’s impossible without playing with the balance on your car stereo to actually hear us both at the same time…
Jeff:
At the same time…
Casey:
Without having one of us shouting.
Jeff:
Turn Casey down, me up…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then I clip occasionally…
Casey:
Well, it depends on which microphone is working on that particular day…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Like, sometimes I’m quiet because I got the bad mic or something.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We got a ton of emails from our listeners this week.
Casey:
Yes, we did.
Jeff:
We got from everybody. Do you want to cover some of this? Because it was awesome.
Casey:
I do want to cover some of this. I want to cover this.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’ll start with a warm-up here, if you will. Well, or if you won’t.
Jeff:
It’s coming regardless.
Casey:
We’ll start with this thing that I’m gonna start reading and there’s no way anyone can stop me. And this was a story that a friend of mine sent in from back home. He sent this wonderful news story. It’s from the North Jersey newspaper called The Record.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it says, “Cops Nab ‘Ninja’ Vigilantes”…
Jeff:
Oh.
Casey:
Now, here’s the thing. This is actually…
Jeff:
Quotations in your fame…
Casey:
Right, yeah, exactly. Here’s actually something I’ll mention before I read this article which is that I was in Vancouver. We talked about this on the podcast a while back. I was visiting a friend of mind. And we were walking down the street. And I was like, “How come quotes means… When you put something in quotation marks, how come that basically is saying it’s not thing, right?” Like, nowadays, to put something in quotations means that your facetious, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re saying something that actually is usually the opposite…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Of what you actually meant, right? So you’re like, that was a lot of “fun”, in quotes, means that it was not a lot of fun, right? And he said, “Well, I mean, it’s because in general, you know, newspaper reporters they use quotes to distance themselves from the thing that’s being said so you know that they’re not saying it, the person said it.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
And so, as a result, usually, the time that it was getting used, you know, was when they didn’t agree with the thing that the person they’re reporting about said, right?
Jeff:
Okay. I see. Right.
Casey:
So, the dude was like, you know, this was a fair and balanced news source, right. The reporter doesn’t want to say that it’s fair and balanced because it sure as fuck wasn’t. So they put that in quotes…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And so it sort of ended up…
Jeff:
You think that’s how it ended up?
Casey:
Well, that’s what he was suggesting. I thought that was a very compelling argument, actually. Like, yes, that’s true. That pretty much is how quoting somebody became disagreeing with them…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It seems very reasonable.
Jeff:
It’s a completely passive-aggressive way to write an article.
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s like, it exactly like the dude that disagrees with you…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But not directly.
Casey:
Well, you can still maintain the illusion of objectivity…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, “I’m just reporting what he said. I just put some things in quotes and that’s…” You know… So it’s like…
Jeff:
These are our sarcasm marks…
Casey:
Right, they’re called sarcastic marks, yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yep. Okay.
Casey:
So anyway, “Cops Nab ‘Ninja’ Vigilantes”. And it says that, “2 ‘modern day Ninjas’ calling themselves Shinobi Warriors on a quest to rid the area of drug users and drug dealers have been put out of business by police.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Okay. And if I was writing this, I would have put “police” in quotes as well here, right, ‘cos this is not exactly busting…
Jeff:
There’s a lot of words in that sentence…
Casey:
There’s the people who put Al Capone in jail…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And then there’s these guys who busted these “ninjas”, right…
Jeff:
Right. So tell us about the ninjas. ‘Cos I read this and then watched the video, too…
Casey:
Oh, I haven’t seen the video.
Jeff:
The video is spectacular.
Casey:
It says, “The men were wearing tactical vests,” very common for ninjas…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They were into tactical vests back then.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In, you know, the 1600’s… “The men were wearing tactical vests and armed with knives in sheaths at their waists along with Ninja throwing knives, Chinese throwing stars, four-pointed tacks, swords, bows and arrows and nunchucks.”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Did you…
Casey:
So it’s basically like a “Gears of War” character…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Running across the level where all these weapons are stuck to them in various positions.
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s what you read when you read the article. Okay. And that’s what the police want you to think.
Casey:
But somehow…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Not so true.
Jeff:
Now, because we’re not…
Casey:
They had in, like, a duffel bag…
Jeff:
Wait… Because we’re non-professional podcasters. . .
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
We’re gonna pause this podcast for a minute.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And we’ll be back in one second.
Casey:
Okay. That wasn’t that ridiculous. The ninjas were the minor story. The news reporters were by far the most objectionable part of that story.
Jeff:
No, the most…
Casey:
It’s like she looked at the camera and looked like she was telling you that, like, you know, Kosovo had been bombed. She was like, “2 ninjas were spotted this afternoon, hustling through the bushes. Were they something out of the 17th century? Or were they suburban children just playing around? We have the full story live now from Ninja-ville…”
Jeff:
I think…
Casey:
I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to say?
Jeff:
The things that I found objectionable…
Casey:
Who cares about the kids? They’re 2 fucking dumbass kids…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We got them in every high school. They have a bunch of knives. They have no idea what to do with them, right… If someone spooked them in a dark alley, they’d piss themselves and run away. Like, that’s who those kids were.
Jeff:
I think the most objectionable thing is Tadieusz’s face…
Casey:
The fact that the guy’s name is Tadieusz did not help, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, I don’t know of any ninja warrior whose name is Tadieusz.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. That is just generally the case.
Jeff:
That’s pretty scary.
Casey:
I’ve actually looked at a long history of Japanese classic names, I will say that. I know a lot of Japanese family names. Tadieusz…
Jeff:
Never came up?
Casey:
No. It did not come up. Now, it’s possible that Tadieusz is a Chinese ninja name…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Okay, because I’m unfamiliar with that lineage.
Jeff:
So maybe…
Casey:
I will have [inaudible 7:31] Maybe there was the Tadieusz clan. Maybe Tadieusz is actually a well-respected clan…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
That dates back to training at the temples, you know, who knows? I really don’t know. Maybe they were in royal service of the emperor…
Jeff:
And they’re super angry because they’re mad at everyone making fun of their names…
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
So they don’t want to cross Tadieusz…
Casey:
Yes. Right, exactly…
Jeff:
Don’t mess with the Tadieusz’s.
Casey:
No, do not mess with them.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I found his bangs the most objectionable thing by far. That’s the thing that really got me.
Casey:
I did like when he said that the goal of all of his equipment was to look as ninja as possible.
Jeff:
Right, which is true…
Casey:
’Cos I don’t actually know that that’s a floating point… That’s on a scalar value in my mind. You either look like a ninja or you don’t. I don’t think it was like, “Well, we’re trying to look as ninja as possible…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You either crossed over the line of looks like ninja or you didn’t. Now, here’s the thing.
Jeff:
Right, and I feel like they didn’t…
Casey:
All that shit they said was in their car.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, ninjas did not keep…
Jeff:
Drive cars…
Casey:
Their equipment in cars, okay. So if they’re trying to look as ninja as possible, A, jumping on rooftops, more popular than driving in a car as far as the method of conveyance is concerned.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright, so I would say that that’s probably something. Now, rooftops are not as close together as they used to be in suburban New Jersey. So I could see why they maybe would need something else, right?
Jeff:
The El Camino…
Casey:
But if I think of, like, a ninja addition to the arsenal that is for suburban adaptability, I’m thinking like a hang gliding kind of device that allows you to go from rooftop to rooftop more easily, not a car.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Not, “We got in the car… We ninja-ed over there…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“On I-490,” right… “We ninja-ed out of the car,” right… How does a ninja get out of a car in the first place?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Through the sunroof, I guess, hopefully or something, right?
Jeff:
Maybe get in that way and then he has to get out normal.
Casey:
I’m not sure.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so there’s all these ninjas at the gas station complaining about the cost of gas.
Casey:
The dude had, like, a 5-foot compound bow…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Not ninja.
Jeff:
Not ninja.
Casey:
Ninjas do not carry that.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That is not a ninja weapon. I’m sorry. That’s just not the case, okay. Compound bow, not ninja.
Jeff:
Well, they were trying everything.
Casey:
Well, I guess under the guise of trying to look as ninja as possible, instead of only picking things that a ninja would have…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like not a car and not a compound bow being a few of those things… I guess he just went with the buck shot approach.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“I’ll just have as much shit as possible. And if any of that shit was like a ninja, maybe I’ll be okay.”
Jeff:
“Maybe I’ll hit,” yeah.
Casey:
Right? It’s like…
Jeff:
I don’t remember ninjas wearing glasses very often…
Casey:
“A rubber chicken… Oh, well, you know, it’s a black rubber chicken. Maybe that’s ninja. I don’t know. The enemy will slip and fall on it. Banana peel. Black banana peel…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s like, “No, that’s not ninja, actually. That’s “Spy vs. Spy”. Put down the MAD magazine…
Jeff:
It might be…
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And start being ninja.
Jeff:
He could be like, you know, comedic ninja, right?
Casey:
Well, dude…
Jeff:
Like, using his ninja powers for comedy.
Casey:
Here, let’s start with… Let’s go all the way back to the core principle of ninja-ing.
Jeff:
Don’t end up on the news.
Casey:
Looking as ninja as possible means that they didn’t see you.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, if you got seen by someone, you already…
Jeff:
You failed.
Casey:
It’s a failure as a ninja.
Jeff:
Ninja fail.
Casey:
So there’s no such thing as looking as ninja as possible, like, “Here’s 2 pictures. Which one was more like a ninja?” The one without a ninja in the picture is the one that looks more like a ninja because if I can see somebody, then it’s not ninja. So I mean, I don’t understand even what they’re even going for, right? A ninja is not… They were, like, trying to be enforcers.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They were gonna go to someone’s house and try to intimidate them. But a ninja just sneaks up behind you and stabs you in the back. There’s no intimidation.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re either dead or not. They’re assassins, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They go and find information and bring it back to the emperor.
Jeff:
They don’t end up on the 6 o’clock news.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
That’s never happening.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That’s as un-ninja as po--… Ending up on the news…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Apologizing for your actions, basically…
Casey:
Tony, the ninja soprano, you know, it’s not the way it works, right? That was not that culture. You didn’t send somebody over there to set things straight, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s a different…
Jeff:
A whole ‘nother thing.
Casey:
They’ve confused 2 different types of messengers, if you will.
Jeff:
Well, this was in Jersey so maybe the Jersey ninjas, you know, play by a different rulebook.
Casey:
They’re, like, 400 pounds. They talk with an Italian-American accent, right. That’s his opinion of a “ninja”.
Jeff:
One, he has “Bobby, the ninja”…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. But it wouldn’t be “Bobby, the ninja”, probably. I mean, I guess it could be. Yeah, you could a have “Bobby, the ninja”. Sure. Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Unbelievable.
Casey:
It’s pretty unbelievable.
Jeff:
Yeah. I like that simply because it was ninja, these poor assholes ended up on national news…
Casey:
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I mean, they were embarrassed the whole news report…
Casey:
Meanwhile, Pinky “Throwing Stars” Castellano…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Gets away with all these elicit cement transactions and so on and shuffling designer suits here and there. And these poor guys who are just trying to do the neighborhood a favor…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Get picked up.
Casey:
Yeah. Get picked up by the cops.
Jeff:
Right. ‘Cos he did say that he wanted t drug dealers to just back away from the drugs.
Casey:
Back away from the drugs a little bit.
Jeff:
Not so much drugs…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You drug dealers…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
If you don’t mind… You’re like… Again, you either sell drugs and are a drug dealer or you’re not.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You have confused a binary profession which is you sell drugs, which makes you a drug dealer, or you don’t. You’re not allowed to call yourself a drug dealer or not a drug dealer if you’re not dealing drugs. It’s the dealing drugs that make you that, right?
Casey:
Yes, that is true.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
Right. You can’t have someone… You can’t tell a drug dealer that it’s fine if they keep being a drug dealer as long as they don’t sell drugs.
Jeff:
They don’t sell drugs…
Casey:
Right. Yeah. In 1st grade, I remember someone said they were gonna have a slumber party but it couldn’t be a sleepover, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It was like…
Jeff:
It was like…
Casey:
No. That kind of goes with it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You can’t separate those 2 things.
Jeff:
You’re either a ninja and you’re not seen…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Or you’re not a ninja.
Casey:
Yes. That’s right.
Jeff:
So this guy is very confused on profession, right?
Casey:
Yes. Well, maybe the ninjas want you to see them. It’s intentional.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Maybe there’s a 3rd guy that was never seen.
Casey:
That’s right. He did all the… This was a distraction ninja.
Jeff:
I see. I see.
Casey:
A nin-straction.
Jeff:
A nin-straction.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
All of this pales in comparison to… Because that article was good for us to make fun of…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
This article, this other one which was sent in by my parents, actually…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And this shows you why I ended up as such a quality human being is because this was how I was raised right here, okay. So you can see that I came from good stock.
Jeff:
Right. This is what the best…
Casey:
They sent me… My father sent me an article from work…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I believe… Called “Giant Dog Turd Wreaks Havoc at Swiss Museum”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Now, let me say one thing about this first…
Casey:
I don’t know that you need to say anything about this at first because it says it all, okay.
Jeff:
Wait, wait. The subject said, that your dad sent, was “Giant Inflatable Dog Turd Destroys Swiss…” And then it was clipped off…
Casey:
Right. And he said Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Good/No Good…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And I was laughing. And you hadn’t read the email and I just read that article saying Good/No Good and you went, “Good”.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You were like, “I don’t care what the rest of it…”
Casey:
Right. It’s good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Inflatable dog turd… Giant inflatable dog turd is good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I cannot think of a circumstance in which giant inflatable dog turd doesn’t lead to something that I want to hear about, see, know existed…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I feel better… In my mind, I would go to Burning Man if “Giant Dog Turd Wreaks Havoc at Burning Man” was something that I’ve ever read, right.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s like in my opinion, this was what I want those kinds of things to be like as opposed to what they are.
Jeff:
To turn into… Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You want ironic disasters to happen all the time.
Casey:
Yes, okay. So here it is. The byline is, “Inflatable artwork blown from moorings and brings down power line”.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. So in your mind, just picture a giant dog turd…
Jeff:
Huge…
Casey:
Taking down a power line…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That is where we’re starting in this article.
Jeff:
My favorite word in that sentence is “art installation” ‘cos you’re like…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“This is somebody’s joke or something?” But no.
Casey:
No, no. This is art.
Jeff:
It’s an art piece.
Casey:
“A giant inflatable dog turd created by the American artist Paul McCarthy was blown from its moorings at a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a window before landing in the grounds of a children’s home.” Everything about that paragraph is awesome.
Jeff:
Is awesome. Yep.
Casey:
Well, it’s a sentence, actually, but it’s a paragraph-long sentence.
Jeff:
There’s not a single word there…
Casey:
“The exhibit, entitled ‘Complex Shit’”…
Jeff:
“Complex Shit”.
Casey:
“Is the size of a house.” This is an inflatable dog turd the size of a house. “It has a safety system that is supposed to deflate it in bad weather, but it did not work on this occasion.” So this… It has all the makings of a monster movie.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, we’ve got a giant inflatable dog turd. It was supposed to have a safety system. We’re supposed to be able to disable the turd if something goes wrong.
Jeff:
It’s not a monster movie… Right.
Casey:
And something always goes wrong.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
It turns out the safety system failed.
Jeff:
Yeah, this is your standard…
Casey:
“Deflate the turd! Deflate the dog turd! It’s heading for the power line. It’s heading for the children’s home!” They’re like, “We can’t deflate it. We’re trying to deflate the dog turd. It’s still inflated. It’s still the size of a house.”
Jeff:
“Our access is blocked! Override! Override!”
Casey:
“Call the National Guard! Try nuclear force!” Everything that you want to have happen with a giant inflatable dog turd happened…
Jeff:
Is happening…
Casey:
Has happened…
Jeff:
In real life…
Casey:
Is happening…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The only thing that didn’t happen is Godzilla showing up or whatever, right?
Jeff:
Right. Or Bruce Willis, you know…
Casey:
Yes. He has to climb up into the dog turd and detonate it from inside or whatever.
Jeff:
I think we need Ben Affleck in that.
Casey:
Oh, for sure.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And an Aerosmith soundtrack.
Jeff:
It’s just this long… This dog turd, I want men climbing around in there…
Casey:
Yes. I gotta pinch the turd. I gotta pop the turd…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay. Juri, oh, you know what, here’s [inaudible 18:05] get some Aerosmith back here…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For the dog turd. And you can picture them climbing up onto the dog turd… “Juri Steiner, the director of the Paul Klee centre, in Berne, told AFP that a sudden gust of wind carried it 200 meters before it fell to the ground, breaking a window of the children’s home. The accident happened on July 31st, but the details only emerged yesterday.” So there was a government cover-up…
Jeff:
Cover-up… Right.
Casey:
Of the dog turd attack, okay. It was silenced…
Jeff:
That means there could’ve been multiple…
Casey:
For a month…
Jeff:
Yeah, I mean, how do we know…
Casey:
Who knows? We don’t… Okay. Where’s the turd right now?
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Where’s the turd?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay? Do we know where the turd is?
Jeff:
Oklahoma City? Right? Where?
Casey:
What if they’ve lost… They don’t know… They lost track of the turd, okay. It was last seen somewhere in the Antarctic…
Jeff:
In Europe…
Casey:
Okay. We don’t know where the turd is. It could be forming a turd army. It could come back as an ice turd, right we have no idea what’s gonna happen. The world could be in peril right now and everyone’s in fucking China, swimming around and dancing around and doing whatever the fuck else. Meanwhile, there’s a monster dog turd the size of a house knocking down power lines, destroying children’s homes, and we don’t hear about that for 4 weeks?
Jeff:
Exactly. What’s going on?
Casey:
This is a colossal failure of the press, A.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And B, a complete failure of our dog turd emergency system which is supposed to deflate these turds…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Before this sort of things can happen.
Jeff:
I just love that they actually thought… Like, if I’m the artist, I’m focused on my creative vision. I’m not thinking about the emergency system. And yet somehow, they still managed to build an emergency system. They just didn’t test it.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like a lot of things…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, like exceptions in software…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You might put them in there and just figure they’d take care of it…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And in this case, they did not.
Casey:
Well, dude, this is “Complex Shit”, okay.
Jeff:
This is “Complex Shit”.
Casey:
Something always goes wrong.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Everyone knows that the first time you build a house-sized plastic dog turd deflation emergency button…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you press it… Nothing happens.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you gotta go find out why.
Jeff:
Right, right. Exactly.
Casey:
Alright…
Jeff:
They’re not on the same wireless network…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, one of them’s on Linksys.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
One of them’s on D-Link.
Casey:
No, it’s one is using kilometers and the other one is using miles.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So the dog turd crashed into Uranus.
Jeff:
Yeah, I love how they referred to it in the article right off the bat, “Giant inflatable dog shit…”
Casey:
Turd.
Jeff:
“Turd Destroys Children’s…” Is it a children’s hospital or is it a children’s school?
Casey:
It’s children’s home.
Jeff:
Okay, children’s home.
Casey:
It’s like… So as far as I can tell, that’s like it’s a fucking orphanage.
Jeff:
So it’s attacking orphans. Right. Yeah, attacking orphans…
Casey:
It’s an orphan-attacking dog turd, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it took down the power lines. First, it cut the power…
Jeff:
So they can’t call for help.
Casey:
So the orphans can’t call for help. They have no electricity. They can’t see… Breaks through their window, right? There is some fucking kid in there, 4 years old, never had a mom and dad, looking out the window. A giant dog turd has attacked her through the window, okay. What kind of life is she gonna have when she grows up?
Jeff:
She’s gonna have serious therapy…
Casey:
And this dude is like, “No, it’s art.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay, I agree that it’s art, right, but it’s art that is damaging the youth of today.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s performance art.
Casey:
Yeah, it is dangerous.
Jeff:
He didn’t mean for it to be but it turned into it.
Casey:
Now, here’s the thing. I want to know… I mean, in this country, right, you know…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
When we have a disaster like this, someone writes a report. It’s a long and detailed analysis of the things that went wrong with the processes involved in securing the dog turd…
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
So that we know, right. It’s like NASA. Apollo 13.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Lengthy, lengthy… Many hundreds of pages…
Jeff:
Post mortem…
Casey:
Of documentation. It’s like, “What went wrong here?” Right?
Jeff:
Yes. And how do we prevent it from happening again?
Casey:
Yeah. So I want to see that report. I want to see, like, dog turd failure analysis…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? That’s got lots of things… It’s like, “Oh, you know, this shit was too large or too tight or whatever…” It’s like, we didn’t have… The tensile strength of, you know…
Jeff:
Was insufficient.
Casey:
Right. We didn’t moor the dog turd down in the right location.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It was too slippery with the wet dog turd finish, you know. So it slipped out of its moorings, right… We thought that it was pliable enough to not break a window but it turns out it was really hard shit. There wasn’t enough fiber…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In the dog…
Jeff:
Than we expected…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, this article keeps going, though. We haven’t gotten to the end of this because here’s the thing. It says that, “The installation is part of an exhibition called ‘East of Eden: A Garden Show’…”
Jeff:
Colon? Like colon, colon or colon the punctuation mark?
Casey:
No. A garden show.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Somebody thought that a house-sized inflatable dog turd belonged in an exhibition entitled “East of Eden: A Garden Show”.
Jeff:
Right. Well, you know, my garden might have a turd or 2 in it from Dottie. You never know. I think it probably makes sense.
Casey:
I don’t want to know what the fuck dogs they had in Eden that were shitting a house-sized turd. Like, where is that in the book of Genesis?
Jeff:
Maybe…
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, hey, what’s going on? I’m Adam… Holy shit! Welcome… Hi, Rover. You know, could you please keep it over there? It stinks the fucking high heaven. For the last time…”
Jeff:
No, I think…
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
Maybe they scale everything up. Like, it’s a gigantic apple…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
A huge tree of knowledge.
Casey:
Now, “East of Eden” is a reference to a work of literature with which I’m familiar. So maybe “East of Eden”…
Jeff:
Refers to a giant dog…
Casey:
Refers to a giant dog turd, is that…
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
I honestly… This is a hole in my literature knowledge.
Jeff:
Yep. I’m guessing that this guy who was commissioned to make “Complex Shit” probably wasn’t trying to be too… He was trying to push buttons. He wasn’t trying to…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You know, he was out there as an artist, right.
Casey:
Okay. Right.
Jeff:
He wants to confront your inner…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Fears…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
About giant inflatable dog turds.
Casey:
Yes, I see.
Jeff:
You see what I’m saying?
Casey:
So kind of like the other giant dog turd, the Experience Music Project.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They were trying to do architecture. They were trying to put something in place that would be fucking ugly and just disgusting to make you react.
Jeff:
Right. The picture that showed of the giant dog turd…
Casey:
Looks very much like the Experience Music Project.
Jeff:
If they painted the Experience Music Project brown…
Casey:
Brown…
Jeff:
You’d go…
Casey:
Yeah. You’re like, huh…
Jeff:
“That’s it.”
Casey:
“Yep, you got it. You nailed it.”
Jeff:
“You nailed it.”
Casey:
“You nailed it.”
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I would just like to see the insurance claim, you know, of this children’s home where they call up their insurance investor…
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And say, “Yeah, what’s your coverage on inflatable dog turds?”
Casey:
They’re like, “None. It’s an Act of God.” Yeah.
Jeff:
Act of God.
Casey:
Right. They’re like, “Nothing can produce a dog turd that size except an Act of God.”
Jeff:
Right. So automatically…
Casey:
The show is called “East of Eden. Act of God. Rejected.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Stamped. Rejected. Now, here… Tying it back into the ninja article… The final paragraph… And by paragraph, I mean sentence because every single paragraph in this article was one sentence. So it’s very long. It’s, “The center’s website describes the show as containing ‘interweaving, diverse, not to say conflictive emphases and a broad spectrum of items to form a dynamic exchange of parallel and self-eclipsing spatial and temporal zones’.”
Jeff:
Goddamn it. Fuck.
Casey:
Now, that is the textbook example of what I was saying where the author decides not to directly make fun of the thing…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And instead, uses the quotes, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To just say, “I’m being sarcastic. Here’s a completely ridiculous thing that the person said…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“There’s a giant dog turd and yet here’s what they said,” right?
Jeff:
Right. It’s a giant dog turd terrorizing orphans…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And they’re juxtaposing shit with other symbolic…
Casey:
Yes. “Where was the dynamic exchange of parallels and self-eclipsing spatial and temporal zones when the dog shit burst through my window?”
Jeff:
My zone…
Casey:
“My zone was inside the window. Your zone was outside. And the dog shit penetrated on through that.”
Jeff:
There was no communication happening there.
Casey:
Yeah. The only eclipse that happened was when the fucking dog turd blotted out the sun in front of this children’s home, right. So all the fucking orphans were in the dark because they couldn’t turn on the light because it knocked out the goddamned power lines, right? It’s like, Jesus Christ…
Jeff:
Oh… I just imagine the artist going, “This is 10x better than I could’ve ever imagined,” right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This is perfect, right?
Casey:
He’s like, “This says everything I wanted to say about the piece.”
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
“This is exactly what I was hoping the piece would say.”
Jeff:
Right. ‘Cos it is Complex Shit.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Jeff, let’s talk about free oral sex for a minute here.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay.
Casey:
So it’s strictly whether or not you will still play the game. So it changes from you picking the best thing to play and buying that to them trying to figure out what thing you will still play…
Jeff:
Tolerate… Yes.
Casey:
That makes the most money in advertising Dollars, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s a very, very bad world to be in. I think that’s one of the reasons why you had this situation where all these wonderful shows started coming out in ad-free television, which is interesting.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, why did the big television thing where, like, story continuity and, like, daring subject matter and all this stuff… Why did it happen in a place where they did not have censorship and they did not have advertising?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Was it an accident? Probably not.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Those 2 things are probably bad…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
In terms of creating new and interesting content, right?
Jeff:
Well, now, they have the thing when they take these shows that appear on the pay channels like Show Time and HBO…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, they replay them, years later, on normal TV…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Cut way down…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Packed with ads…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And nobody watches them.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like…
Casey:
Big surprise…
Jeff:
Right. They’re all buying the DVD.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, that’s what I said. You basically have the opportunity, as a game developer/business person, to do the right thing and they’re not which is why I say that they’re not just like a greedy individual. They’re actually contributing to the downfall of their own medium, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They’re contributing to a corrupted, undermining influence…
Jeff:
Before…
Casey:
For some extra cash…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That sometimes I might call that prostitution, right? Other times, I might call it war money or mercenary work, right?
Jeff:
Well, the other thing is our industry has…
Casey:
Another thing you might want to call it is a dark nightingale, right? There’s a number of flattering phrases that we could use to describe the thing where you do something you know is bad for money.
Jeff:
So yeah, the other thing is, like, we’re barely getting our shit together as a more sophisticated art form anyway.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And this is like introducing advertising before we’ve even got, like, the motion picture camera really working properly, you know.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This is like way… We’re jumping the gun on this shit way before we need to.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, a hundred years from now, if games aren’t making any money because everybody’s used to them, they’ve seen all the emotions that we can generate in this interesting way…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they end up doing stuff like that… I mean, that’s another matter than, like… Right now, we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and we’re gonna jump right in with both feet into something we barely even understand, even psychologically, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Advertising has really only been sophisticated since the late 60’s, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When it was all reinvented.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And so, doing it now, when our industry is about the same age, we have no idea what it does to people so…
Casey:
Well, it’s a little worse than that, too, I think because I think some people are of the opinion that somehow placing advertisements into the game world is less insidious than interrupting the game with advertisements, right?
Jeff:
Right. It’s worse.
Casey:
The opposite is true, okay, because now, you have introduced ad placement into the design process of the game.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You are actually making decisions in the design of your game based on whether or not there’s a surface for displaying some fucking cola, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
With a sign on it… If you’re lucky, right, when you first ship the game, maybe it’s coke or something recognizable…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You want oral sex…
Jeff:
Yep. Trying…
Casey:
You’re a girl here, not a guy.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You’re a woman.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You want oral sex.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you do not currently have access to someone or something…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That will perform this service for you. What do you do?
Jeff:
You say yes to the first guy who… Anyone you ask…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay. There’s a better solution?
Casey:
I’m sorry. It turns out that the internet has now solved this problem.
Jeff:
Really? Okay.
Casey:
The internet has solved this problem. And the problem was solved by the website called LouisvilleFreeFace.com.
Jeff:
Right. Oh, okay. Alright…
Casey:
Which I highly recommend visiting.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s an excellent website.
Jeff:
Terrific site, yeah.
Casey:
Wonderful site.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And what this site does is this site provides free oral sex for Louisville women.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Women who live in the Louisville area who need oral sex, don’t want to have to pay for it…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I guess “pay for oral sex” is already handled, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Maybe there’s a service you can call for that. I don’t know how that works.
Jeff:
This is for people…
Casey:
You know, people who don’t have the money, low cost, free…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Oral sex. Now, it’s not really a business, per se. It’s actually a guy.
Jeff:
Just a guy?
Casey:
And his name is George Kistner. His picture is right here on the front page. Now, the picture…
Jeff:
He’s a handsome man.
Casey:
Oh, very attractive, with a goatie…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, on either… And a mustache, which is always good news.
Jeff:
Required.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Well, if you’re giving free oral sex, you have a mustache…
Casey:
That’s just… What good is that, right?
Jeff:
You’re going out of business…
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
Even if you’re not charging.
Casey:
Exactly…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, on either side of him, he has 2 animated Gifs…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Buffeting his picture, if you will. One of them is a mouth with a tongue come out of it that is animated to just kind of curl up slightly…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s just doing a little flick at the end. And at the other side is a tongue that’s just… It’s going crazy.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s like, gyrating around, right… Like…
Jeff:
Well, that’s…
Casey:
When you turn on a hose and you only hold the end of it…
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
And you just let it go… That’s what it looks like, okay.
Jeff:
Yes. What he’s trying to show there is he’s capable of multiple techniques.
Casey:
Right. Long n short strokes… He’s done everything…
Jeff:
Whatever you want. Right.
Casey:
Right. Anything between those two, he can hook you up with it.
Jeff:
Because he’s in between, his picture…
Casey:
Now, it turns out… When I saw this website, I thought, “This is fabulous.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
A guy on the up and up…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Providing a free service…
Jeff:
Totally…
Casey:
A selfless free service to his community. Okay.
Jeff:
Right. He’s getting nothing out of it.
Casey:
It’s like the elks or somebody, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re just trying to help their community.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Community service.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Turns out it’s not as altruistic as I originally thought.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. There’s some catches here.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. He puts catches on the website?
Casey:
It turns out…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It says, “All attractive Louisville area women, please apply.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Alright, so he’s actually saying, “You can’t be that nasty and come to me for oral sex. I gotta thing here,” right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It says… It goes on.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It says, “To all the beautiful single women in and around Louisville, this page is for you. I am a man whose favorite thing to do is give oral sex to attractive young women.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So we’re narrowing the field down with every sentence here, unfortunately.
Jeff:
Cute, single, young is what we are up to so far?
Casey:
Yes, that’s correct.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“I know that every woman is different, and I have been out of practice for a while.”
Jeff:
Oh, dear.
Casey:
So that’s not… I thought was kind of an oral sex…
Jeff:
An expert…
Casey:
Pro, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
When I saw those tongue Gifs on there…
Jeff:
Casanova, yeah.
Casey:
I was like, “He’s got it under control.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Apparently not.
Jeff:
He’s never tried it.
Casey:
He’s out of practice. Right.
Jeff:
He’s only read about it.
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
He’s like, “I think I can handle it.”
Casey:
Yeah. “No matter how good I may have been told that I am at my hobby, I know that everyone needs to constantly practice at anything they take pride in doing.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So for him, this has actually turned into… This is training, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This is not a sexual experience.
Jeff:
No, this is like a manifesto.
Casey:
This is like going for the gold, okay. This is like the Olympic team.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He needs your support.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
He needs your help.
Casey:
If you don’t go to him and provide the training grounds, if you will…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For him to complete his training, he will never reach his full potential, okay.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
That is the problem here.
Jeff:
And he’s been out of fruit for a week.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, here’s the thing. It says… It’s got tons of links here.
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
Terms is one of them…
Jeff:
Terms, okay… Terms & Conditions?
Casey:
Under Terms, it says what the qualifications are to receive free face from him.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“You must be a woman of legal age.”
Jeff:
Yes, of course. You don’t want to go to the big house.
Casey:
“You must be clean.”
Jeff:
Must be clean?
Casey:
“You must be single or in an open type of relationship.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
“I must think you are cute.” And I, not Casey Muratori but him.
Jeff:
Right, George.
Casey:
Him, George Kistner. “You must be nude.” Okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So not just a little opening where he can get the tongue in. You’ve got to be nude. And now, fortunately, you might ask me now, “Casey, why is that?”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And I would be forced to say, “I don’t know. It just says you must be nude.” No.
Jeff:
He explains?
Casey:
He has provided an explanation for each of these items.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It says, “I believe that the female body is a work of art, and I like to admire it.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
“Therefore, you must be nude while I am giving you oral. We can consider my admiring your naked body to be my payment…”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
“For services rendered if you feel uncomfortable about getting something for nothing.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So what is the 1040 look like for this transaction?
Jeff:
Well, yeah. And also, I would say like… You know, some people, you say you want to give them something for free and they feel bad about it, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re like, “No, you know, my father didn’t raise me like that.”
Casey:
Right. No.
Jeff:
But in this case…
Casey:
“No, he raised me to pay for my oral sex.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? “He didn’t raise me to get it for free.”
Jeff:
And that’s why he’s giving you a way to feel good about this transaction…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos he’s getting something out of it.
Casey:
Right — Admiring your naked body.
Jeff:
Right. It’s… Everything else is work.
Casey:
“Dang, girl. Come on over here.”
Jeff:
Yeah, he looks a little sketchy.
Casey:
“You must be disease free.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, in my mind, “You must be clean,” would’ve been that…
Jeff:
Would’ve covered that?
Casey:
Turns out not.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Clean is actually referring to…
Jeff:
Hygiene?
Casey:
I’m gonna go ahead and read this right here.
Jeff:
Oh, he’s got a little bit? Alright.
Casey:
“No offense meant to any of you, but you must be clean and not smell bad. I’ve never been with a dirty woman, but I have been around a few that I would not be able to help in this area. If I cannot breathe, I cannot help you. Also, I will not go down on anyone who is on the rag unless we are dating. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
Jeff:
Yeah, I mean…
Casey:
He’s sorry for that inconvenience…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
He can’t help you all the time.
Casey:
It’s just something that can’t be helped.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
On some days…
Casey:
He just gotta draw the line somewhere.
Jeff:
You have to go down the street.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I don’t want to turn business away but, yeah, I’m sorry. That’s one of our conditions.
Casey:
Yeah. I hang my shingle under very specific terms.
Jeff:
We don’t take American Express.
Casey:
No, we don’t.
Jeff:
And one week of the month, I can’t help you.
Casey:
Gotta be fucking naked and one week, I can’t… Right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Consider it… Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“You should let your friends know about your experience if you have a good time.”
Jeff:
Oh, that’s one of the conditions?
Casey:
Yeah. “Word of mouth is the best advertisement,” he says.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“If you enjoyed your experience…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Please let me have some type of referral that I can put on my site.” What is that referral gonna look like?
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
What is that referral gonna look like? And I want to know are there referrals on here. Do you know if there’s referrals? Did you find any? Are there any?
Jeff:
I went and looked at his forum there and it sounds like…
Casey:
He has a fucking forum?
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s places where you can leave messages and it sounded like mostly friends of his going, “Dang, dude, that’s awesome. The site’s wicked! Party!”
Casey:
Oh, my fucking God.
Jeff:
That’s what it looks like.
Casey:
Okay, here’s the feedback section.
Jeff:
Okay, feedback. There’s no feedback on…
Casey:
But where… Oh, wait, they don’t just let you send it. I don’t know how to see it.
Jeff:
There is no feedback about any service he has provided.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah, I can’t even find this so I don’t know if it actually matters.
Jeff:
So that referrals gonna be like a résumé. It’ll be like, “George Kistner has been one of the most enthusiastic employees I have ever had the privilege of employing,” and then leave out what it was for…
Casey:
This has to be a joke.
Jeff:
You think it’s a joke…
Casey:
I do not…
Jeff:
I think it’s so much more awesome…
Casey:
He has an application page on here, Jeff.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He has an application page that has drop-down lists for shit.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, it’s got what type of woman are you — Average, Normal, Gothic, Punk, Vampire, Redneck, Straight-edge, Prep, Ghetto girl, I’m a good girl don’t tell anyone, A freak looking for fun, Who cares I’m horny and want oral. It’s got a CAPTCHA at the bottom to prevent what? Robots from submitting requests for oral sex?
Jeff:
He probably had lots of problems with spammers requesting oral sex and he had to put a stop to that. He’s like…
Casey:
I mean, yeah…
Jeff:
“I’m wasting all my time calling you back and it turns out you don’t want oral sex. You want to sell me some pills.” And he’s like, “I don’t want pills. I’m providing a service here. Everybody always tries to fuck my site up and I’m just trying to provide a service, an honest, American service to the women in the Louisville area.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But only the attractive ones who are young who want to be naked, who I think are cute…
Jeff:
And single or in an open relationship…
Casey:
Who are single and clean and disease free and not on the rag.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
As long as you fit all of those criteria and want some nasty ass freak dude…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To go down on you… You’re all set.
Jeff:
You’re all set.
Casey:
He got you covered.
Jeff:
You’re done. So Casey, someday, we’re gonna take ads for this podcast, become mega rich like all the games are doing nowadays, you know, that everybody’s going to these ad-supported systems…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Which is, like, awesome, right?
Casey:
Well, here’s thing, right… I don’t want to say just blanket that if you accept ads in videogames, then you are a terrible human being. Not a terrible game developer but actually you are a bad human being at your core. But that’s actually true.
Jeff:
It’s true.
Casey:
That’s true. Yeah. I mean, the bottom line is that advertising absolutely destroys media.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It totally does. And if you…
Jeff:
It is a corrosive influence…
Casey:
Pick up a magazine today…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And try to find the Table of Contents, 20 minutes later, tell me that ads are not a terrible influence on media, right? Try to watch a fucking TV show, right…
Jeff:
Well, even…
Casey:
Tell me it’s not terrible, right?
Jeff:
Even aside from being annoyed by it, it seems like it’s a free thing. It’s not.
Casey:
It’s not free.
Jeff:
We are paying for that in deep and important ways with our children…
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
With ourselves…
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
So, yeah…
Casey:
Well, here’s the thing, right. I mean, not to… This is obviously, like… This is [inaudible 38:09] thing, right. And you can go listen to him say it way better than I can say it but the whole point in advertising is there’s money changing hands, okay. So look at something like a free service, like television, right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
I have a free service. It costs money. It cost a lot of money to produce “Lost”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s 2 million Dollars an episode or something.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? So you are getting… They are giving you a 2 million Dollar-episode for free, right? Divided by the viewership, you’re getting some money.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re getting 50 cents, okay. They’re just fucking giving you 50 cents, alright. So what are you giving them in exchange, right? What are you giving them in exchange? It’s not nothing. If you are sitting there thinking that somehow it’s nothing that they are just giving you 50 cents because they love you and they think you’re fabulous and all they want to do is shower you with cash, then you’re an idiot. I am sorry, right. Business doesn’t operate that way. Ads aren’t these things that just, “Oh, they’re some stuff that I ignore and they don’t affect me,” right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “No, they do.” Now, one interesting thing that he points out, too, which is really not necessarily part of this discussion but one thing that he points out is that he firmly believes that technically advertising, if children… Children watching TV is against child labor laws because he’s like, “They’re doing work for the 50 cents…”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right? We know that they got the 50 cents. That’s illegal. So tell me how it’s not, right? It’s like… And you can argue all day long that it’s not actual labor or something that’s like… The money changed hands. It’s like, we know that it had this much value. You have your internal report saying exactly how much this show is worth in terms of what viewers are giving to your advertisers…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They are paying you for that amount.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And once you do that, if kids are watching the show, that’s supposed to be illegal…
Jeff:
They’re working for you. Yep.
Casey:
Right? ‘Cos you’re not supposed to be able to pay children to do things. A corporation is not supposed to be able to pay people under the age of 12 or something, right? Or I don’t know, 14, or whatever it is, right?
Jeff:
Well, one of the things they’re talking about… So in movies, you’ll see all the product placement that’s… You know, they do more and more of nowadays…
Casey:
Right. They sneak it in.
Jeff:
Initially, it was very subtle. Now, you’ll have Will Smith talk about his Converse tennis shoes.
Casey:
Right. Like in this podcast, when I’m drinking this certified organic Blue Sky soda…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is delicious and doesn’t have any caffeine and is made with all-natural organic ingredients, right… If I was to describe that or something or promote it by saying that I really like it ‘cos it’s delicious, right?
Jeff:
You might get a whole bunch at your doorstep.
Casey:
That, for example, would be something that I would never do.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I would never accept money for that.
Jeff:
Free samples…
Casey:
Man, that’s good, though.
Jeff:
But games are interesting in the sense…
Casey:
I would absolutely have no qualms doing it, though, because it’s a fabulous beverage.
Jeff:
But wait.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Games are interesting in the sense that they allow you to rotate those ads.
Casey:
Well, technically, you can do that with anything, actually.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And people have been researching ways to do that, right. Movies where they just say about chroma key where it’s like, the billboard in the movie…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We saved out, like, the chroma key for the shot and the camera match information…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That’s, like, people I think have actually patented a bunch of shit for that. They’re like [ way into it ] but they never do it…
Jeff:
But for downloading content into a game…
Casey:
It’s free.
Jeff:
It’s painless and free, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Like, things can be different sizes.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
So yeah, it’s gonna be out of control.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And games, we’re gonna see this… It seems totally like a non-bad thing. But oh, my God, it’s gonna be bad.
Casey:
It’s gonna be terrible. Well, see, the problem is also the shifting of the revenue stream is a big problem.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Right now, you get your revenue in games primarily from the person who plays the game.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And what that means is the person who plays the game is in control of what they’re getting.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because [ they vote ].
Casey:
Because they are essentially paying for what they want to get, okay?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Now, as soon as you start shifting that revenue stream towards advertisers, right, now the control over what is available to play is now dictated by advertisers, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But after a while, you’re not gonna be getting… It’s not gonna be Coke, right?
Jeff:
Right. Coke’s gonna bow out.
Casey:
Coke’s gonna bow out. They only want the first…
Jeff:
2 weeks…
Casey:
2 weeks of “Team Fortress 2”, right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They don’t want to fucking get in there after that, right. They’re just like, “No, no, no. We’re a premier… We’re a launch kind of thing,” right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Command & Conquer” in the bargain bin for $15, they don’t want Coke…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They don’t anyone drinking Coke in that. They’re only drinking, like, Mr. Pibb, right. They’re drinking RC Cola, right. They’re actually gonna be drinking, like, Safeway Select Cola.
Jeff:
So it’s just gonna keep dropping down over time. Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s gonna keep getting worse and worse and worse and worse.
Jeff:
So pretty soon, a year from now, Duke Nukem is drinking, like, Shasta Cola…
Casey:
Well, think bigger than that. It gets way worse than that, right. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, like 007 rolls up in the Aston Martin. I mean, he rolls up in the Jetta. I mean, he rolls up in the fucking Smart Car. I mean, the Hugo.” It’s like, what the fuck is going on here? At some point… I’m not fucking kidding.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’s gonna be a scene where 007…
Jeff:
Rolls in on a Segway.
Casey:
Gets out of a goddamned… Yeah. A Chevy Champ or something, right?
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s like… He’s gonna be in a fucking hatchback, okay. He’s gonna get an automatic… A silenced automatic weapon out of the hatchback…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
If we’re not careful.
Jeff:
Well, no. The thing is we already have people in the movie industry that… Creative people that say that that is far worse when they have product placement in the movie, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Lynch has said that. There’s been a lot of people that say, “No, it’s worse. It’s harder to work that in…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If you had to have it, have an intermission.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Show more ads in the front of the movie.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
When you put it in there, it affects us in lots of ways. We are a well-oiled filming machine…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where we can film a movie in 20 days…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You can’t just fucking insert shit where we can refer to things very generically and randomly to add stuff later on…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Where we put in the Mountain Dew label on the can that he’s drinking.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
So we already know that it sucks.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And these are people that take their creativity a little bit more seriously than we do, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they’re saying it’s bad. And we are just jumping in and saying, “Oh, no. It’s absolutely no problem,” right? “Let’s have multiple companies serving this.”
Casey:
What’s worse is people are rationalizing, right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, if you want to be a fucking cunt who screw everything up, say that.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Be like, “We’re accepting advertising because all we care about is money and we don’t care about the player and we don’t care about the quality of our product. We care about the money.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s not what they’re saying. They’re like, “Oh, the advertising gives us more money to give you a better product…”
Jeff:
Yeah. “It’s a synergistic thing…”
Casey:
Or it’s like, “It’s just making this more authentic because we want to have actual Coca Cola products.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Cut the shit.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You are lying to yourself if not to me but somebody is being lied to here.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. Because that is bullshit.
Jeff:
Yeah. We want to be able to film at their factory, their real factory. You’re like, “No, you don’t.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes, it’s not the way it should go. But I love the 3 weeks from now, the hatchback… 007 rolls up…
Casey:
Because 007, traditionally…
Jeff:
“Shaken, not stirred”…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
His Coke bubbles over…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
’Cos he can’t afford a martini.
Casey:
But that’s what’s gonna happen, right, because traditionally, 007’s car has always been a produce placement. Am I right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So the thing that saves it is they only shot… They shoot the movie once. They can’t change the car. They would absolutely change that car, right?
Jeff:
They could.
Casey:
If they could.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So once they can, it’s totally… God knows what he’s gonna be fucking driving. A different car every week, you know what I’m saying? Who knows what it’s gonna be?
Jeff:
And then some crazy downloaded…
Casey:
You’re gonna fucking pull up your James Bond… He’s gonna roll into Monte Carlo in an F-150. And someone’s gonna be like, “What the hell is that?”
Jeff:
And then the…
Casey:
“Where did you even tank that up in Europe?” You know?
Jeff:
They’ll place some little crazy cut scene that explains it really awkwardly.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, “Oh, damn. The Aston Martin’s in the shop…”
Casey:
Yeah. “Had to move an armoire…” Yeah… “Beforehand…”
Jeff:
So, yeah…
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
We’re doomed.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Alright, so Casey, have you seen the uproar that the people are having over the airlines. They’re starting to charge people of size for 2 tickets when they fly on an airplane.
Casey:
Oh, really?
Jeff:
Yeah. They’re like…
Casey:
You mean like if you’re a fatty…
Jeff:
Yeah. If you’re just too big…
Casey:
Then you have to pay for a second ticket?
Jeff:
Right, because they’re like, “We’re tired of the other people complaining that they’re getting kind of…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“[ Literally ] filtered into… Across the thing…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So they’re like, “No, if you’re going to be big and fly an airline, you’re gonna have to buy 2 tickets.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s making… That’s a hard job to enforce because you’re like, “Uh… You know, I’m sorry, ma’am. You’re gonna have to be…”
Casey:
Well, in my mind, it isn’t actually hard to enforce. They’re just not doing it right because what I would do is just change the ticket price — Price per weight.
Jeff:
Just get on the scale?
Casey:
Right, get on the scale.
Jeff:
Get on the scale and we’ll charge you?
Casey:
Get on the scale.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
We have weight grades. If you’re under 100 pounds, it’s one grade. If you’re under 200 pounds, another grade. Under 300, it’s another… They probably should just do it that way.
Jeff:
They’d have to figure out a way…
Casey:
Or volume…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Maybe it’s volume… Right?
Jeff:
Displaced volume?
Casey:
You step into a volumetric scanner and it’s like, “Here’s how much space you take up, you fat son of the bitch.”
Jeff:
Well, that might be good because then, people don’t immediately translate that to weight, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like, people feel bed when, you know, if it goes…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And then the red light lights up and they’re like, “That’ll be [ $30 ].”
Casey:
My solution here is it’s continuous. So we’re not charging you for being fat. We’re charging you for how fat you are.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
No matter who you are, right?
Jeff:
Okay, just, across the spectrum…
Casey:
Asians fly free, okay.
Jeff:
It’s how it works?
Casey:
Yes. Samoans, big trouble.
Jeff:
Well, the thing that I thought is this just seems to be a spin problem to me. Like…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
If you are telling people, “You’re going to have to pay more because you’re fat…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Nobody wants that, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That makes you feel bad.
Casey:
It’s not… Fat people are gonna be upset about that…
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
No matter how you do it. They’re just gonna be like, “Damn…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You’re charging me more for being fat.”
Jeff:
Right. But here’s the thing, right, if you are taking 2 seats, that means you should get 2 meals, as well, right?
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
So what they need to do is call this the “Meal Supersizer”, right…
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
So that will pre-select the people that want an ass-load of food, right?
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
So you’re like, “Hey, do you want supersize that seat?” And they’re like, “I don’t know.” And you’re like…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
“Well, look. This is the cup of Coke you get if you’re…”
Casey:
Right. “And it’s not the normal airline meal. It’s something that’s really deep-fried…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Like, the whole thing is… We’ve deep-fried the salad. We deep-fried the drink…”
Jeff:
Everything…
Casey:
“Everything is deep-fried.”
Jeff:
Then they say, “No problem.” I mean, people are upgrading…
Casey:
“And it comes with deep-fried sauce.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Well, another thing you could do is just sort of have, like, a luggage compartment for fat people where you just kind of throw them in and you let them kind of congeal into…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Just kind of a solid, if you will… They just completely fill the space.
Jeff:
You can’t really pack a skinny person any better…
Casey:
It would hurt them.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They would be injured by that.
Jeff:
Right. But a fat person, you could make their…
Casey:
Yeah, they just kind of roll around and they conform…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s totally true.
Casey:
Fat people are more conformant to their container.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
That’s an excellent point.
Casey:
Than a skinny person…
Jeff:
So you can pack more…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
’Cos you can be more efficient.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You can set them on… Like Tetris blocks.
Casey:
Like, it’s hard to… Toothpicks…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Hard to pack. You have to get them all aligned.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? Otherwise, you waste a lot of space.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Jello? Does the job itself.
Jeff:
Marshmallows…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right, marshmallows fit in any space you want.
Casey:
It just works. Yeah.
Jeff:
I like it.
Casey:
You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
You think we can spin that?
Casey:
Yeah. Now, what I want to know is what’s the logo for this airline that has a supersize? Is it McDonald’s Airline or something? McFly or something?
Jeff:
McFlights?
Casey:
The McSeats?
Jeff:
No, I think you’d have some little catchy thing. It’d be the first airline that did it and then they’d all steal the idea…
Casey:
Do it…
Jeff:
And it’s like, you know, “Flying your way,” or something…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re including them.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re making it inclusive.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“An airline for you.”
Casey:
Right. “All of you.”
Jeff:
Right. “The airline for all of you.”
Casey:
“For all of you.”
Jeff:
Right. “Seats 30% larger.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, you just don’t tell them that it’s twice as much…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The tickets are twice as much. You just sell it as a…
Casey:
So it’s like Fat Blue or something…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It can be like a new airline that’s entirely structured around this, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They’ve already got one thing that fat people like which is TV on Jet Blue, actually.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So you start with that. You have TV so they don’t have to… They don’t have to have anything different from their home life.
Jeff:
Right. Fried food.
Casey:
The seats don’t have those separators. It’s just a couch.
Jeff:
Right, okay. A long couch.
Casey:
It’s just one long couch, right, that they load you into.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe seatbelts that extend really far…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So you can wear them high.
Casey:
Yeah. No, there’s no seatbelts. It’s one of those things like in a rollercoaster that comes down from behind you.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. I see.
Casey:
It’s like a harness, right…
Jeff:
And it snaps in.
Casey:
It just kind of keeps you from wiggling through… Your fat from going…
Jeff:
Too far…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m telling you, this is a market that you want to be on your side, not against you.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos you don’t want to make the fastest growing segment of America mad at you.
Casey:
Yeah, both in terms of number of people and in terms of size of person…
Jeff:
In terms of total volume, right?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Both of those, you don’t want to be…
Casey:
They’re the fastest growing in all possible respects.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you do not want to between against that continuing, right?
Casey:
No, you do not.
Jeff:
It’s gonna get stronger.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
So take advantage of it.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Supersize your airline…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And send Casey and Jeff all the royalties…
Casey:
The royalties…
Jeff:
On this idea.
Casey:
Yeah, definitely. This is how we’re gonna make our money. I can see.
Jeff:
Well, people don’t get it. It’s the awesome thing of everything the airline does right now seems to be making themselves look worse instead of better, right? And this is just one…
Casey:
Right. And they always phrase it like, “If you want to take any more than a 50-pound bag or something…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There’s a fee.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They didn’t call it, like, you know…
Jeff:
A convenience fee.
Casey:
The “Bonus bag”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know… You get a “Super bag”, yeah…
Jeff:
“If you have a Bonus bag/Super bag…” Right.
Casey:
Super bags…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
“If you want to carry more of your stuff, we’re the airline for you.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“We have the Super bag program…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah. They just don’t get it.
Casey:
I agree with you.
Jeff:
They should hire us.
Casey:
I agree. There is a spin problem here.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
A complete spin problem.
Jeff:
Alright, everybody, so that’s it for this week. And…
Casey:
Another fun-filled week…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
With the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
And we need everybody to email us at Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com.
Casey:
Right. You saw how well it worked this time.
Jeff:
Yeah, like…
Casey:
Podcast@JeffAndCaseyShow.com was half the program. If no one had emailed in, what would we have done?
Jeff:
Yeah, pretty soon, we’d have to do no prep for this show at all.
Casey:
Right. It’s just the listeners…
Jeff:
And just be like, “What came through…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
We are a puppet government.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Right? For our listeners…
Jeff:
What you want, we talk about…
Casey:
Right. We’re giving the people what they want.
Jeff:
Usually. Sometimes we’re like…
Casey:
We’re giving the people what they send in anyways…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
If not what they want.
Jeff:
Exactly. Sometimes we’re castor oil…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
But most of the time…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
We’re like a…
Casey:
A swift kick in the testicles.
Jeff:
That’s right. Alright, everybody, let us know and we’ll talk to you next week.
Casey:
Alright, take it easy.
Jeff:
Good bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 28
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