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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
A Nazi Every Night with Dinner
"Can you do anything else to ensure that I won't get laid for four years?"
Original air date: July 20th, 2008
Topics. This Week in Law Enforcement. This Week is No Good. This Week in Former Adversaries.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show. Put that finger down.
Casey:
Hello, and welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Jeff:
It’s Jeff Roberts and Casey Muratori…
Casey:
How’s everyone doing out there today?
Jeff:
On July 19th at 4 o’clock…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yes. Should we talk about…
Casey:
Is it 4 o’clock or is it 5 o’clock? It’s 4 o’clock. You’re right.
Jeff:
4 o’clock. Yeah. Should we talk about the fact that the first take was a disaster?
Casey:
That was really bad.
Jeff:
Yeah. So what…
Casey:
That was pretty bad.
Jeff:
This week, for the treat…
Casey:
It’s gonna be a 50-minute podcast, basically, yeah.
Jeff:
We will have a treat… You’re gonna get a 50-minute treat. So email us at Podcast@MollyRocket.com because we didn’t…
Casey:
But that doesn’t work. I just posted on the fucking forum. So it’s clear that you don’t have to email.
Jeff:
Yeah. You kind of… We…
Casey:
We don’t have a mailing list…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So what are we supposed to do? I don’t know.
Jeff:
We’ll figure it out. Anyway, there’ll be a good treat because we did an entire podcast where we didn’t get past our introduction…
Casey:
Right. The intro was supposed to be 10 minutes, 10-15 minute intro, to the podcast… We sat down to record…
Jeff:
56 minutes.
Casey:
A 15-minute intro and it went for 56 minutes.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
It was impossible to cut down…
Jeff:
No, I…
Casey:
It was totally meandering…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It had no coherence whatsoever.
Jeff:
And you were… The first 30 minutes…
Casey:
It was just all me. You didn’t…
Jeff:
You were out of your mind.
Casey:
I know. You didn’t say a goddamned word the entire time.
Jeff:
You could… And not only that, you were not just talking. It wasn’t just talking.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You were like…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Like an auctioneer.
Casey:
I’m from Boston.
Jeff:
You were talking so fast.
Casey:
I’m from Boston, okay.
Jeff:
You were wound up.
Casey:
I slowed down my speech for the podcast, okay.
Jeff:
So this is podcast…
Casey:
That was more like how I normally am talking, if given a chance.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, this is podcast take 2 since the last one…
Casey:
Take 2.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway…
Casey:
Yeah. Well, we’ve had a busy week.
Jeff:
We did.
Casey:
Both of us were working very hard on various things, certainly.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And so, there wasn’t much time.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And in fact, midway through the week, I was a little nervous. I sent you an email. I was like, “I haven’t been getting many links from you…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“What are we gonna talk about on the podcast?” Right? And you’re like, “Oh, man. I’m so busy. But, you know, I’ll get to it later.”
Jeff:
Yeah. I had a release this week. I had some web stuff…
Casey:
You were, like… Yeah. So you were like, “I’ll get to it on Thursday,” or something, right…
Jeff:
I had a new employee, it was just one thing…
Casey:
This is Tuesday or something…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And you were like, “I’ll get to it on Thursday. I’ll start sending you some stuff for the podcast, what we can talk about, whatever…” Not… 3 or 4 hours later, right…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re really busy.
Jeff:
I took the time.
Casey:
You’re really, really busy.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You can’t afford the time to look for podcast links. But you can afford the time, apparently, to send me the following 2 choice emails which arrived in rapid succession.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Nothing to do with the podcast.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Nothing to do with the podcast. Not talking about the podcast.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Just emails that needed to be brought to my attention.
Jeff:
Well, one as somewhat podcast-y. The other one was just…
Casey:
Alright. Now, I’m just gonna tell you to just shut it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just shut it down.
Jeff:
Bring it up. Bring it up.
Casey:
The first one was… Actually, I should say the subject line was simply “He’s Awesome”.
Jeff:
He is awesome.
Casey:
Right. And this is one of those quiz shows on TV where they’re about to play around. And it’s like… You know, the round involves is asking questions and determining what something is or whatever. And they’re like, “The clue for this round is ‘he’s awesome’.” That’s what it feels like when the subject line comes in, right. It’s a clue.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He’s awesome.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And now, the game for me… ‘Cos all I get in there, guaranteed… Doesn’t matter what it is. Is it’s some link that’s like, YouTube.com, right, slash a meaningless [ glib, ] right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I have no clue other than the subject line.
Jeff:
Right. Sometimes, they… They link it…
Casey:
Right. Very rarely…
Jeff:
Right. I gotta start using tiny URL’s so that you have no…
Casey:
Very rarely…
Jeff:
’Cos I enjoy…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Trying to write subject lines that get you to go, “Uh…”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then, I extrapolate your emotional mood while you’re watching it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I didn’t do that with this one.
Casey:
All… No…
Jeff:
This one just was…
Casey:
That’s what I was gonna say. I was like…
Jeff:
A sincere link.
Casey:
What you mean to say is you don’t do any of that shit. You just fucking love the video and you sent it to me that’s, like, awesome…
Jeff:
This one was that.
Casey:
Or this is cool, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s what happens.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I could make a bot…
Jeff:
Because I get…
Casey:
Okay. Here’s the bot that I could make.
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
It picks number 47 on video sift…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
Sends the link with the subject line of “Awesome!”
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
And if he replaced you with that, I would basically get the same links.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
That is what is happening, okay. That is what is happening.
Jeff:
No, see… If that…
Casey:
And 47, #47, that’s generous.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Let’s say 73.
Jeff:
Here’s the thing…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There are 2 types of links I send you.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
There are links that are sincere…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then there are ones that I… I start laughing as I’m sending it…
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
’Cos I know you’re gonna love this.
Casey:
No. Let me tell you something… No.
Jeff:
And by love it, I know you’re gonna go, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Casey:
Let me tell you something. There’s 2 kinds of links, that part is true. One is the links that are sincere…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And the second are ones that are sincere and you’re so embarrassed about them later that you make up a story about “you thought I was gonna be mad at it”.
Jeff:
No. No.
Casey:
You’re using that now as a cover for the fact that you really like the fucking link.
Jeff:
There is no cover.
Casey:
And you wanted to send it to me.
Jeff:
I like…
Casey:
You’re not… You didn’t not like it. Let’s get the links. Just quiet down. Let’s get the links. We’re gonna get the links and we’ll talk about it.
Jeff:
No it… I want to talk about 3 links, too…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I’m gonna add one to it.
Casey:
I don’t know what the 3rd one is.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
First one, “He’s awesome”.
Jeff:
Yeah, “He’s awesome”.
Casey:
What do you think that is? Well, let me tell you what it is. It’s a 7-year old kid…
Jeff:
Yeah. He’s 7 or 9.
Casey:
A fucking 7-year old kid…
Jeff:
He’s 7? That’s even more awesome.
Casey:
He’s 7 years old.
Jeff:
He is awesome.
Casey:
Just shut up.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just please stop talking.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
While I explain what the fuck this is because this was a… This was like getting hit over the head by suck, okay.
Jeff:
No, it’s awesome.
Casey:
You send me a link of a 7-year old boy.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
At his fucking elementary school recital.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Singing…
Jeff:
Talent show.
Casey:
“Piano Man”.
Jeff:
Yeah. “Piano Man”.
Casey:
That’s what you sent me.
Jeff:
Playing the harmonica and singing “Piano Man”. Sean…
Casey:
There’s a reason that only parents go to these things.
Jeff:
No, that’s just it. That’s why.
Casey:
There’s no “just it”. There’s no “just it”.
Jeff:
That’s just it. He was awesome.
Casey:
You sent me a 7-year old, unrelated to me…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
In a talent show… I had to fucking watch it.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
I’m waiting for something to happen. I’m assuming he gets hit in the head by light that falls down from the stage or someone takes a crap…
Jeff:
Hit in the crotch…
Casey:
Yeah. Hit in the crotch… That’s what I’m waiting for…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It doesn’t happen. Even if it had happened, it would have still sucked.
Jeff:
He is just awesome.
Casey:
No, he’s not.
Jeff:
Sincerely awesome.
Casey:
Why did you send me that link?
Jeff:
’Cos he was awesome.
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Like, in fact, you can usually tell…
Casey:
What does that mean? What does it mean?
Jeff:
Wait. You can usually tell if you’re CC-ed with other people…
Casey:
That it’s actually awesome?
Jeff:
That it’s something I thing is actually awesome.
Casey:
If it’s just me…
Jeff:
If it’s just you…
Casey:
It’s meant to punish me.
Jeff:
You get no… It’s meant for puni--… Not punishment but… Yeah, punishment.
Casey:
Yeah, punishment.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s my hair shirt.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So anyway…
Casey:
Only, it’s a hair shirt that someone else puts on me, apparently…
Jeff:
I actually really liked that little kid, yes. And I’m unashamed of it. I thought he was awesome.
Casey:
You and you both.
Jeff:
Me and all the girls on the front row that are his elementary school groupies…
Casey:
They were just waiting for their turn to perform.
Jeff:
No, they were enthralled like me.
Casey:
They weren’t enthralled.
Jeff:
Yeah, they were enthralled like me.
Casey:
Anyway, so after that gem…
Jeff:
Oh, it’s a gem, baby.
Casey:
I got another gem which was… Stop it… Which was… All it was was a fashion show. It’s just a regular old fashion show with models walking up and down the fashion show.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they had dogs integrated into the fashion show. They were, like, walking a dog. So it’s like, “Here’s a fashionable lady wearing a fashionable dress with a fashionable dog and a fashionable leash.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
One of the dogs takes a crap on the stage.
Jeff:
Yeah. Comes to a stop…
Casey:
That’s it. Takes a crap.
Jeff:
In the middle of the…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Dog walk on the cat walk…
Casey:
Dog takes dump on stage.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yep. That was the link.
Jeff:
Yeah. And not only that…
Casey:
You sent me a link of a dog taking a crap.
Jeff:
Yep, with sound effects. Do you remember the sound effects?
Casey:
It was like someone over dubbed “Psycho”.
Jeff:
“Psycho”.
Casey:
Yeah. Which doesn’t make any sense.
Jeff:
It’s awesome.
Casey:
Why did you send me that link?
Jeff:
Because I knew you’d react exactly like you’re reacting. It’s awesome.
Casey:
I did react that way.
Jeff:
I know. It’s like…
Casey:
Dogs take a crap all the time. Why is it surprising?
Jeff:
For a split second, I feel like I can see the future.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
I’m like, “I can send this. I know what Casey’s gonna do 10 minutes from now.” It’s awesome. I love it.
Casey:
This is the abuse I take for the podcast.
Jeff:
For the podcast…
Casey:
For the podcast, I take this abuse.
Jeff:
I actually… The funny thing about that, in addition…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is, you know, Alicia and Dot have done a lot of those before…
Casey:
Yeah, she’s been in dog fashion shows, yeah.
Jeff:
Where she’s done a lot of dog fashion shows.
Casey:
I’ve never seen…
Jeff:
And I always… I have a lot of videos of them. They’re pretty funny.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I always wondered, like, “What if the dog just…”
Casey:
Takes a dump… And like, sometimes it happens.
Jeff:
And then… Sometimes it happens. And it did. And now, I don’t have to wonder anymore.
Casey:
Well, thank God.
Jeff:
I don’t even need, like…
Casey:
Thank God.
Jeff:
I don’t even need it to be…
Casey:
If only it was in HD. That’s just it…
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
If only it was in HD and the dog got hit in the balls and then took a dump…
Jeff:
Then…
Casey:
Then it’s perfect.
Jeff:
That’s the trifecta.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right there, it’s like… This has Casey written all over it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I would have, like… My YouTube channel would be labeled Casey because it would be all the things I know you’d most likely freak out about.
Casey:
And you’d really enjoy them is the other part.
Jeff:
No, no.
Casey:
It’s not just that you think I’d freak out. You love ‘em. You’re like, “This is great.”
Jeff:
It’s a combination, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s why I send you…
Casey:
Your love of it and my hate of it, together…
Jeff:
Is the win. Right.
Casey:
Makes a super powered attraction…
Jeff:
But I have to say, even if you just hated it…
Casey:
That’d be enough.
Jeff:
It’d be enough for me.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like that one picture that I sent you when Dave and I were competing to drive you the most crazy with links.
Casey:
Ugh.. Why were you doing that?
Jeff:
I send you the picture of the little bear…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like a teddy bear.
Jeff:
Teddy bear…
Casey:
That was the shot. Yeah.
Jeff:
But it wasn’t just a teddy bear, it was this…
Casey:
Yes, it was. That’s the thing. It was just a teddy bear.
Jeff:
No, he was… No, remember?
Casey:
A teddy bear on a goddamn table.
Jeff:
No, he’s playing checkers, remember? It was something completely random. And I was like…
Casey:
It was basically like Angela from “The Office”. It’s something she would have on her wall.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s basically what it was.
Jeff:
I saw that and I was like, “This picture wins. There’s nothing Dave can send on the entire internet that will drive Casey more crazy… And not only that. It had this meta thing where the bear was looking straight into the camera…
Casey:
Yep. It was breaking the 4th wall.
Jeff:
And he was…
Casey:
Stuffed animal breaks 4th wall.
Jeff:
And he…
Casey:
Instant Jeff classic.
Jeff:
Right. And the expression on the bear looked like he was embarrassed.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s like, “Casey’s gonna hate me.” It was perfect. I’m like, “This wins. Dave just lost in one picture ‘cos there will never be a picture on the internet that was better than that one for forwarding to Casey.” But I didn’t get any enjoyment out of that one. It is better when I enjoy it and you don’t but…
Casey:
As well, right.
Jeff:
I do get enough just simply out of you hating it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s enough for me.
Casey:
Well, until there is the nature show…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which is strictly animals getting hit in the testicles.
Jeff:
Right. Or falling off… Or just…
Casey:
Acro--… Tripping… Around the world, right…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They go to every corner of the globe…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Looking for animals with testicles.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And then filming them until happenstance causes them to take something in the testicles, right?
Jeff:
Right. That’s fine.
Casey:
Once that show is… Once the BBC produces that show…
Jeff:
We’re done.
Casey:
You’re done.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You would just watch that. There wouldn’t be a need for any other films…
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
You would watch it over and over again.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And you would be the happiest person on planet earth.
Jeff:
I told you. I’m no longer embarrassed that I like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.
Casey:
You shouldn’t be. There’s no point in being embarrassed.
Jeff:
No, because… Well, I used to feel bad. I’m like, “Why am I watching this?” And then, I came to this zen-like state of, “Because it’s fucking funny and I enjoy people falling down and getting hit in the balls.”
Casey:
Yes. But you also enjoy nature videos which is why the combination is important.
Jeff:
Yes. Because they do have, usually, a little animal part in the middle. But all… Yes.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
If you can get falling down clumsy animals… Yeah.
Casey:
And hit in the testicles… Well, we can only hope…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That someday, somebody…
Jeff:
Yes. I’ll get some action.
Casey:
Produces this show…
Jeff:
Somebody’s gonna do it.
Casey:
Some wildlife expert…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Will produce this show. And then, you will finally have reached nirvana.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. As with every week on the podcast, it’s time for our “This Week in Law Enforcement” segment.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And we have some excellent law enforcement activity going on around the country, just crack law enforcement, really, catching criminals who… Criminal masterminds, really…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, and these guys, they show up on the scene. It seems like it’s probably impossible to figure out what happened. And then somehow…
Jeff:
And they piece it together.
Casey:
They piece it together.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They piece it together.
Jeff:
Well, the first one comes from Sweden which is kind of cool because…
Casey:
The first one is pretty awesome. Yeah.
Jeff:
We have some Swedish listeners. They posted on the forum. It’s awesome.
Casey:
We do?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
Yeah, we’ve got… I think we have…
Casey:
I can’t always keep track of everyone’s locations.
Jeff:
3 Swedish listeners…
Casey:
Awesome. I know we have lots of people who listen in Europe. And I think that’s fabulous. But I’ve never been to Europe…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I don’t really know anything.
Jeff:
We’re giving them a window into our crazy American culture. And now, we’re turning that mirror back…
Casey:
Around…
Jeff:
To show them Sweden.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yes, would you like me to read the headline?
Jeff:
Yeah, why don’t you go for it?
Casey:
The headline is “Man Dies in Spitting Contest Plunge”.
Jeff:
Right. So this was a couple months ago, I think.
Casey:
This was a couple months ago… Now, they came back from a Swiss disco…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which now, our Swedish listeners will have to let us know how the disco scene is there. But I imagine it’s just crazy wild.
Jeff:
It’s probably crazy.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s probably super out of control, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And they got back from this… I guess they were… Maybe they were sauced up…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You know, maybe they had a little alcohol at the disco. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Maybe they’re just really excited from a good night at the disco.
Casey:
Maybe they really were, right…
Jeff:
The discotheque.
Casey:
And what happened was they decided to have a spitting contest off the balcony of their hotel room…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And one of…
Jeff:
Which we’ve all done…
Casey:
Yes, which we’ve all done…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
See who could spit the furthest… And one of them, while he was trying to spit the furthest got a little bit too much of a running start and fell off the balcony and died.
Jeff:
Fell off the balcony, yes.
Casey:
Plummeted to his death…
Jeff:
So my question… Do you think that means you automatically win the spitting contest if you…
Casey:
I think that means you automatically lose the spitting contest actually.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. You lose. If you fall off the balcony, you lose.
Casey:
You kind of lose even if that particular spit had gone the furthest.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I think you’re kind of disqualified at that point, right.
Jeff:
I see. Well, it’s kind of like a Galileo thing where they’re like… The guy falling and his loogie fall at the same rate in a vacuum, right, then they eventually…
Casey:
Unfortunately, this wasn’t in a vacuum.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This was in Sweden.
Jeff:
Right. I see. Yeah.
Casey:
But had it been in a vacuum, yes.
Jeff:
Yeah. So yeah…
Casey:
In the real world, we have a thing called air resistance. And it doesn’t work the same on spit as it does on people…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But maybe… You never know…
Jeff:
He, like, pulled his coat out to try to catch some air…
Casey:
Yes, or maybe he’s made entirely of water.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Maybe he’s like Aquaman. Well, Aquaman isn’t made of water…
Jeff:
But he croaked. He died, right?
Casey:
Unfortunately, it’s a bit sour. Yes, he did die.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There was no happy ending here unless maybe his spit did go the furthest so it was just like… It’s like a Paul Bunion thing… Or not Paul Bunion. Who was the guy who fought the [ steam… Shovel… ] The steam engine burrowing under the earth? Do you know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
No, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Casey:
Awesome. Let’s move on. So yeah, I guess the takeaway from this… What I would say is always hold on to the railing very tightly…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
While you’re spitting, right… Make sure you plant during the spitting contest.
Jeff:
Okay. Don’t go to Swedish discotheques and other, like…
Casey:
That’s a terrible plan. Of course you’ll go to Swedish discotheques. They’re fabulous. What do you mean?
Jeff:
It could be fabulous. I’m just saying that it gets you in the wrong frame of mind. You just go… You go crazy.
Casey:
Or it gets you in the right frame of mind and just don’t enter a spitting contest immediately thereafter, right?
Jeff:
Well, certainly, you don’t want to walk underneath any Swedish hotels, it seems like.
Casey:
That does seem…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
’Cos either you’ll get spit on…
Jeff:
Either you’re gonna get rained on or you’re gonna get crushed…
Casey:
You’re gonna get crushed by a falling human…
Jeff:
One or the other. Right.
Casey:
Now…
Jeff:
No convertibles in Sweden.
Casey:
Here’s a question. It is a Swiss man who died.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But he was falling from a hotel balcony. So was he at a different part of Switzerland than he normally was in…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Or… Hey, wait a minute. This whole time, you said Sweden but it’s Swiss. It’s Switzerland.
Jeff:
Oh, I’ve been saying… Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, you’re right. I read the… Yeah, I’ve been thinking…
Casey:
Do we have any Swiss listeners?
Jeff:
No. Let’s go ahead and make fun of them, then.
Casey:
This is the worst segment we’ve ever done. How do we… How is that possible that we confused Sweden and Switzerland?
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
I’m glad somebody on the podcast…
Jeff:
Noticed…
Casey:
Finally noticed…
Jeff:
Yes. That’s true. It is…
Casey:
Yeah. They’re not even fucking related.
Jeff:
No, of course, but…
Casey:
They’re completely unrelated. They’re not even close to each other.
Jeff:
I actually didn’t think… Okay. Now, tell me. Are they Swiss or Swedish in the article?
Casey:
In the article..
Jeff:
I haven’t… It’s been 2 months since I read that article.
Casey:
The article is in Switzerland.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It is Swiss people. They are coming back…
Jeff:
Well, clearly, this is why you and I are not crack investigative… You know, police investigators. We…
Casey:
Yeah, we can’t even tell which country the people are in.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s…
Jeff:
We would come up to the guy on the ground…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
All these little spit puddles, and then concoct some crazy, you know, scenario…
Casey:
Yes. Well, it says here that they were in Switzerland’s Italian-speaking Ticino Canton in the early hour.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So… Now, there’s another thing that I didn’t know which is if you’d ask me what they spoke in Switzerland, I would’ve said Swiss. But apparently, they also speak Italian which makes some sense because hey, Switzerland, unlike Sweden, isn’t that far from Italy.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
However, you know, Sweden, that would’ve been a little weird.
Jeff:
Right. And also everywhere else in the world, they speak multiple languages well. It’s only America that can speak…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Only English, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And pretty poorly.
Casey:
That’s [inaudible 17:29]
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That’s… We put that one in.
Casey:
We got both.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
[inaudible 17:33]
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So that… Well, there isn’t a whole lot of law enforcement there, apparently, other than the fact that somehow they determined that it was a spitting contest and not a murder.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
They probably put the other guy under the lights and like, you know…
Casey:
Yeah, they grilled it out of him. They were like, “Just tell me you pushed him. We know you pushed him.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Just tell me you pushed him and we can all go home,” right. He’s like, “No, no. We were just spitting. It got out of hand.” “Just spitting, huh?”
Jeff:
Right. And then the guy’s like, “You know, I think I believe him,” you know, like the grizzled dude… “No one can lie that well.”
Casey:
We’re gonna play good spit/bad spit.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. Alright, the next item in our sort of litany here… I think this one takes the cake.
Jeff:
Yeah, this is pretty amazing.
Casey:
The final one is certainly the best for outlandishness…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But this one is the best just for pure awesome.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, this is just amazing. And here’s what we had right here. Someone who is fairly high up at Red Lobster Corporate…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Feeling a little down on his luck…
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
Decides to commit suicide. Very sad.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. Now, I’ve eaten at a Red Lobster. And so, I’m not that sad. As far as I’m concerned, anyone at Red Lobster Corporate commits suicide… You know, I know I should feel bad. I probably wouldn’t feel bad unless I knew him personally.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right. Gonna commit suicide…
Jeff:
The butter went to his head.
Casey:
Well, let’s just say… And let’s just get it out there right now. Where do they find the lobsters that they serve at Red Lobster? I mean, for starter, there’s a Red Lobster in, like, Nebraska, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There isn’t a lobster for fucking thousands and thousands of miles, right? So they’re getting this lobster flown in from God-knows-where, right, except they’re probably not getting it flown in. they’re probably getting it trucked in from somewhere, right? And it is… The lobster that you get at a Red Lobster is, like, the least lobster-y lobster that I’ve ever had. It’s more like some kind of a… What’s the closest substance that I’ve ever experience to the lobster that you get at Red Lobster? It’s kind of like a rubber band…
Jeff:
The texture is… Yeah. It’s just chewy.
Casey:
Like, a solid rubbery thing, right?
Jeff:
Maybe it’s like…
Casey:
Amazing. Yeah, what it is. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Maybe they bred a new… Like, through evolutionary pressure, have bred a really hardy lobster…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That we need to be careful to never accidentally release them…
Casey:
Oh, because it could kill us all?
Jeff:
Yeah. And they could live anywhere, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They don’t need water…
Casey:
Oh, right…
Jeff:
They’ve got… Like, in Nebraska…
Casey:
They’re on a farm. They’re on a Nebraska farm.
Jeff:
They just see this sheep just pinched to death…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they’re trying to piece it together…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And all the lobsters are hidden behind the sage brush.
Casey:
Absolutely. Well…
Jeff:
While carrying it with their pincers as they’re walking sideways and like…
Casey:
Right. They’re not just land lobsters. They’re super intelligent land lobsters.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Cos they’ve been exposed to radiation that made them super intelligent.
Jeff:
Right. In fact, us just simply talking about this suicide…
Casey:
Right, right.
Jeff:
Is all part of the plan…
Casey:
Right, exactly. They framed this guy.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Because he was gonna release their secret.
Jeff:
He’s on to them. Right. Exactly.
Casey:
He was gonna release the lobster-breeding secret to the world and they were like, “No, you are not.”
Jeff:
Nope.
Casey:
It turns out Red Lobster is actually run by lobsters.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not lobster that you’re eating. It’s some other thing ‘cos the lobsters took over the company a long time ago. And they ain’t gonna fucking serve their own kind.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
We’ve been eating people all this time, right?
Casey:
Exactly. There’s parts of people that taste like lobsters…
Jeff:
Right. Yep.
Casey:
And they’re serving that.
Jeff:
Yep. This is…
Casey:
All of Red Lobster Corporate has been served to you at some point.
Jeff:
Exactly. Yeah.
Casey:
Anyway…
Jeff:
You’ve been waiting human anus.
Casey:
Yeah. So this frame-up job…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Bang up job they did, really…
Jeff:
Because it’s kind of a twist around a puzzle because you think it’s absurd…
Casey:
Yes
Jeff:
But no…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So here’s what happened. This guy decides to commit suicide.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But he decides that he wants it to look like murder, presumably for fraud reasons.
Jeff:
Right. For insurance and such.
Casey:
So he sets to work…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
On a plan so cunning…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That no one would ever be able to determine that he had, in fact, taken his own life.
Jeff:
Except a 3rd grader who drew these things out in his notebook.
Casey:
That’s possibly true. Or anyone who’s watched CSI…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because apparently he got right from one of the episodes.
Jeff:
Yeah, he got the idea…
Casey:
Anyway, he drives…
Jeff:
The most watched TV show…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
On television… You got your cunning plan…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
From, like, episode 5.
Casey:
A cunning plan from a show that has been rated # 1 or # 2 in the Nielsen ratings…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Every week since debut.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is the obscure source that you drew from…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
To plan your suicide.
Jeff:
It was that or “I’m gonna get lost on an island for 2 years”.
Casey:
Exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Awesome. He’s like, “Well, I already work in an office…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. So anyway, he went ahead and drove his own car…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Out into the middle of nowhere until it ran out of gas, okay. Got out of the car…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Took a gun and attached a set of helium balloons to the gun, okay. Now the helium balloons were not enough to lift the gun up.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So he had previously filed down the gun…
Jeff:
Which I have to say I can imagine him in his garage…
Casey:
Yeah. With a file.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Honey, dinner’s ready.” “Just a minute, damn it.”
Casey:
Yeah, totally.
Jeff:
And he, like, lets go the gun, clunk, on to the ground.
Casey:
Yes, it’s not working.
Jeff:
Damn it.
Casey:
So his answer was not buy more balloons, right. That might have been where I would’ve gone with that. Right?
Jeff:
Wait just a second. As he’s driving to his suicide, people on the road are probably like, “He’s the happiest guy… Look at all the balloons in his backseat.”
Casey:
Yeah. Right. You know what would be awesome? If they were like, “Happy birthday,” and shit. They weren’t just like random helium balloons. They were like helium balloons you bought in the store…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So one of them is like, “I love you.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And a giant frog and Stewie from “Family Guy”, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
This is what is attached to the gun that is going to kill him…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In a few minutes.
Jeff:
Have a happy suicide.
Casey:
Right. Exactly. Oh, suicide balloons, that’s [ out of 3. ]
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. So anyway, he goes out there, attaches the balloons to the gun, pulls the trigger, kills himself…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Unfortunately, he has not filed down the gun enough.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So the gun drip floats…
Jeff:
No, no, let’s… Wait.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah?
Jeff:
Let’s go over this. His plan was that…
Casey:
Oh, that they would float away far away.
Jeff:
That the gun was going to float…
Casey:
Far away…
Jeff:
No, like…
Casey:
Far away…
Jeff:
I think he’s got… I mean… His i--… He’s seen little kids let balloons go and they just float…
Casey:
Yeah. It’s gonna be… It will be carried in the upper atmosphere…
Jeff:
Up into heaven, right?
Casey:
Maybe it’ll go into outer space.
Jeff:
Right. He can take it with him. He’s gonna die and get his gun in heaven.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
But no. that’s not what happens. Balloons eventually come back.
Casey:
No. The balloons… No, they don’t eventually come back…
Jeff:
In this case…
Casey:
They don’t eventually come back. It was snagged on bushes and a cactus right next to his body.
Jeff:
It kinda went…
Casey:
It went, like, 5 feet and stuck on a cactus, okay.
Jeff:
While he’s sitting there…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So, I’m gonna start with some tips.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’ll work backwards here.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So those of you out there who plan to commit suicide in this fashion, I have some tips.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Tip # 1 — If your plan involves helium balloons…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. If they’re a core part of the plan, do not pick a suicide location covered with cactuses, okay.
Jeff:
Right, exactly. Pop, pop, pop.. God damn it!
Casey:
Cactus is basically the worst thing to have at the suicide scene…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If you are using balloons…
Jeff:
Right. Let’s put this in Red Lobster terms. If you are using balloons…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The cactus is kind of like, to the lobster, is what a walrus is.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It is the thing that kills balloons, right?
Casey:
Yes, exactly. It is the worst possible thing.
Jeff:
Right. Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. That’s advice # 1, right, step # 1.
Jeff:
Okay. I’ll add a little corollary to that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
If you kill yourself balloons…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You have to record your death note, your suicide note…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
First taking a hit off the helium.
Casey:
No. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not a suicide. It’s not supposed to look like a suicide.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s right.
Casey:
So you’re not supposed to release a note of any kind.
Jeff:
Although, with everything else…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That would be something he’s like…
Casey:
Now, the ransom note is what you want.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The fake ransom note, that should be written on, like Happy Birthday stationary or something similar to the balloons that you got, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, no. That’s just what will happen ‘cos he’d get it at the same store.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
He went to the Hallmark store…
Casey:
Don’t want to make 2 stops.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “Huh, I guess it’s a little odd that the last purchases the guy made were a bunch of helium balloons (which we never found) and a Happy Birthday card that we found the ransom note on…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But whatever.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But in this case, they do find the balloons, as well, anyway.
Jeff:
Okay. Step 2?
Casey:
Step 2?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
When you drive out into the middle of nowhere to kill yourself…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Steal a car.
Jeff:
Yeah, don’t use your own car.
Casey:
Okay. Don’t use your own car. What are you worried about?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That someone might arrest you for stealing the car?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re dead.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Why would you drive your own car to your own suicide?
Jeff:
Right. Remember that…
Casey:
I mean, sorry, your own “murder”…
Jeff:
Right. Murder. You’re supposed to be murdered by someone.
Casey:
You’re supposed to be murdered.
Jeff:
So that’s kind of like the killer said, “Alright, we’re gonna kill you…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“You take your car. We’ll follow you.”
Casey:
Yeah. “We’ll follow you there. Drive it ‘til you run out of gas, probably, something like that. Wherever that happens to be, get out. We’ll kill you. And then, we’ll drive our car away.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s what should happen here.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I have no idea what was going through this guy’s head.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
This is probably why Red Lobster is not one of the most successful chains in the world, okay, if this guy is your restaurant manager…
Jeff:
Right. But again, we have to remember, it’s all the lobsters’ cunning ploy.
Casey:
Yeah. Apparently, this is all the lobsters’ [ plan ].
Jeff:
Alright. Do you have some more tips? I would say…
Casey:
Well, yeah. I do have some more tips, right…
Jeff:
I’ll say one tip.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When you’re trying to make the gun lighter for the balloons, don’t file that gun down in your own garage because they found all the gun filings in his garage. They’re like, “What’s this big pile of metal?” And it’s like, “Oh, it’s exactly the same metal that the gun… He’s trying to make the gun lighter…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“He didn’t want more balloons. He’s just trying to make the gun lighter.” So that’s another tip — Don’t do that. That kinda… People see through that.
Casey:
It is a bit suspicious. Yeah. No. Steal a car.
Jeff:
Steal a car.
Casey:
Right. Drive out to the middle of nowhere…
Jeff:
No cactus.
Casey:
No cactuses.
Jeff:
More balloons, not less gun…
Casey:
Buy the lightest gun you can find.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, it would be a good idea. Yeah.
Jeff:
It would be funny if he went into a gun store and said, “Do you have anything lighter? Like…”
Casey:
Jeff… Yeah, exactly. He comes into the gun store with helium balloons…
Jeff:
With the balloons trying out…
Casey:
And he’s like, “No, I don’t want this one,” ‘cos it falls to the ground and, like… “Uh… What would you like?” “Do you have anything that… You know, first of all, it has a good tie point. Not around the trigger ’cos I’d have problems with that, you know.” Unreal.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness. That is… It’s one of the craziest stories ‘cos it just kept getting crazier. You’re reading this…
Casey:
Well, not to mention the fact that I’m not sure what kind of murder he thought he was gonna set up with absolutely no motive.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “Oh, yeah. Lots of people always drive people out, shoot them, don’t steal any of their shit…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like… Uh… Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And I’ve got a tip for you. The mob or other people who take out hits on people, they don’t end up being in the middle of a cactus field with a gunshot wound and balloons and a car that’s out of gas that belonged to the guy. Like, that is not in “The Sopranos”, right. That is not something you saw on “The Godfather”.
Jeff:
But what we did learn…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is that the hyper-intelligent lobsters love CSI because…
Casey:
They probably do.
Jeff:
They’re sitting around, watching, and they’re like David Caruso…
Casey:
Well, they love Miami. It’s a water town. They like the beaches.
Jeff:
I think it’s ‘cos David Caruso’s a redhead. You know, they’re all red.
Casey:
They love it. Yep.
Jeff:
And they’re like…
Casey:
They’re into that.
Jeff:
He’s got…
Casey:
He’s kinda ruddy…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He looks like them.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They can identify with him. Yeah.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
He’s got about the same language skills that a lobster has. So that’s a plus, you know. They can communicated.
Jeff:
Right. They like it. So, yeah, that was amazing.
Casey:
Alright. And our final… I hope you’ve all learned something from that…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Our final item for our This Week in Law Enforcement recurring segment…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Is that… This one, I don’t have a link for because you just kind of said all these things to me.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
David Lee Roth apparently…
Jeff:
Right. So David Lee Roth…
Casey:
I don’t even know what to say about it.
Jeff:
Yeah, David Lee Roth was driving through Canada.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And… You know, to me, Canada… It’s a big country.
Casey:
Large. Very large. Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t know where anything is.
Casey:
Me neither.
Jeff:
So he’s in Canada, maybe Ontario…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Maybe Quebec…
Casey:
Who knows?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Somewhere in Canada.
Jeff:
Yeah. He’s driving.
Casey:
He’s driving along.
Jeff:
Yeah. ‘Cos David Lee Roth, he walks the…
Casey:
I’d like to point out something though…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which is that if it was a link you read, even if it was Kirkland, someplace you’re intimately familiar with, you still wouldn’t know where it was.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t pay that much attention.
Casey:
You’d be like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah.”
Jeff:
It’s not important.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
It’s more… It’s really…
Casey:
No. 500-pound squirrel.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He got eaten by a 500-pound squirrel or something.
Jeff:
Yep, or something.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In this case, David Lee Roth, he’s driving through Canada.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Not on a jet, just in a car.
Casey:
Just in a car.
Jeff:
Probably like a broken down Jetta.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So he’s driving along. He starts having distress…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And the police… He drives by some police who notice and come to his aide. And the first thing that came out about this story was the fact that the police held a press conference.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And they said, “We noticed…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“David Lee Roth. . .”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“Was having distress…”
Casey:
In his car…
Jeff:
“He was having a cashew reaction to nuts. And we knew this. We knew he was having a nut reaction.”
Casey:
How did they know?
Jeff:
I don’t know. That’s how good they are in Ontario.
Casey:
You’re making a lot of this shit up.
Jeff:
No, it’s good.
Casey:
I mean, you’re getting it confused, rather, not making it up but…
Jeff:
No, I mean they…
Casey:
When Sean posts the links to this, I can’t wait to see what the actual story was.
Jeff:
Yeah, we’ll see what… Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
It’s probably in Australia…
Casey:
It’s very different. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But let’s… I’m lovin’ the ride. I’m lovin’ it so far. Keep going.
Jeff:
And it was Michael Anthony…
Casey:
So somehow, in your mind, the cops saw David Lee Roth driving by in a car and figured out he was having a nut allergy from that?
Jeff:
No. They pulled him over ‘cos he was, like, swerving around…
Casey:
And it’s like, “He’s having a nut allergy”?
Jeff:
No, he’s driving around crazy…
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
They get him pulled over. They look at him. He’s all red or something like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You were with the Jamba…
Casey:
Jamba Juice…
Jeff:
They knew what was going on…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They reacted quickly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They got him to the hospital…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And the hospital fixed him up.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
They gave him some anti-nut…
Casey:
They gave him the antidote.
Jeff:
The anti-nut…
Casey:
They gave him the almond serum…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The cashew serum.
Jeff:
Anyway, fixed him you and said, “Hey, you know, loved ‘Panama’. Rock on.” Set him on his way.
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
David Lee Roth.
Casey:
Those “California Girls”…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
They’re awesome.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Is there Canadian girls in that song? I don’t think so.
Casey:
Well, it’s “California Girls”, why would there be Canadian girls?
Jeff:
Well, no. He talks about…
Casey:
Oh, the other girls that aren’t California girls?
Jeff:
Right. I just can’t remember if there’s…
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
I don’t think Canada’s represented there. Anyway…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It turns out it wasn’t David Lee Roth. You know…
Casey:
It wasn’t David Lee Roth at all?
Jeff:
No. It’s a guy that’s been driving around Canada, saying he’s David Lee Roth and ripping people off. And the first thing I thought of was like…
Casey:
He’s not David Lee Roth at all?
Jeff:
Right. No. The first thing that I thought is, like, “That’s the weirdest dude to pretend to be to rip people off.” It’s like…
Casey:
Yeah, ‘cos like… First of all, you’re in Canada…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Second of all, it’s like, you know, 20 years ago that that’s… So he’d be like, “I’m David Lee Roth, bitch.” And they’d be like, “Who?”
Jeff:
“Who?” Right. I mean, Canada’s behind. They’re not 20 years behind.
Casey:
“Who’s David Lee Roth, eh?” Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
So, yeah, it’s just like, “Wow, that is a strange maneuver to try to pull the David Lee Roth thing off.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t know maybe you have…
Casey:
Maybe that’s their glory days because the high point of their society was building the space shuttle arm…
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Which was probably around then, roughly, right? So they were like, “No, David Lee Roth, he’s like… He wrote our national anthem, actually.”
Jeff:
Right. “Come on and reach”, right?
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, yes.
Jeff:
Anyway… So he sang a few…
Casey:
“Canada arm. Canada a-arm…”
Jeff:
Right. ‘Cos there’s only, like, 5 lyrics in that whole song.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Come on and reach”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, he sang a few bars…
Casey:
No, “Canada Arm” is the new national anthem of Canada.
Jeff:
“Canada Arm”…
Casey:
Because it sounds just like Panama. It’s perfect.
Jeff:
Alright. Okay.
Casey:
“Canada Arm…”
Jeff:
Alright. I hadn’t thought of that. So…
Casey:
I’m gonna make that song.
Jeff:
So he sang the song and left. Later, the police were kind of upset to discover that, yeah, that he’s been going around Canada, ripping people off…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Pretending to be David Lee Roth.
Jeff:
Going to the iHops…
Casey:
Amazing.
Jeff:
Working it… And then they were embarrassed. That’s gotta be bad. Turns out… They find out more about this guy…
Casey:
Okay. So now they’ve got a dossier, if you will…
Jeff:
Right, right. And they’re like, “Uh-oh.” Apparently, 20 years ago, he had kind of a Manson moment where he convinced one of his girlfriends to kill another girlfriend in front of him. And he’s still implicated in that murder somehow.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
When they still…
Casey:
So it’s never really gone to trial ‘cos he’s been on the run?
Jeff:
No, I think…
Casey:
Or he’s been lead singing for Van Halen?
Jeff:
He’s been on the road, right…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He hasn’t been back to Canada…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Apparently, right?
Casey:
We can’t…
Jeff:
That’s why…
Casey:
And we’re here… America’s…
Jeff:
Sammy Hagar was in the band for so long is he was…
Casey:
Oh, yes.
Jeff:
[ He had legal trouble ].
Casey:
So here in America, we’re like, “Oh, we can’t extradite David Lee Roth.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“He’s a national treasure.”
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
I don’t care what he did in your country…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We can’t… I mean, he’s protected, like…
Jeff:
Yeah. “Canada Arm,” c’mon.
Casey:
You know. Yeah, like, “G. Gordon Liddy, we’ll extradite him before you’ll get David Lee Roth…
Jeff:
Right. Exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. You can have Kissinger but no Roth.
Casey:
Yeah, you can have Kissinger, no problem.
Jeff:
No Roth.
Casey:
We’ll send him tomorrow. He doesn’t lead sing for anyone.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So yeah, so it turns out… It just keeps getting worse for the police. So they were basically tricked by a guy wearing spandex and scarves, who’s actually…
Casey:
Well, I’ve got to be honest with you…
Jeff:
A murder…
Casey:
Yeah, if he had crazy hair and he was wearing spandex and scarves and he said he was David Lee Roth, I wouldn’t know the difference. I’d be like, “Alright.” Of course, the thing is, I wouldn’t care, right? I’d be like, “Fuck eating the cashews. Go right ahead. I never liked your songs anyway.”
Jeff:
Right. If you want a Jamba Juice, I’ve got a little [inaudible 36:00]
Casey:
I like Sammy Hagar better. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m a Sammy.
Casey:
I liked Sammy’s hair. Sammy’s got great fucking hair. That guy’s got hair like a girl. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Jeff:
There’s a lot of product in that hair.
Casey:
God damn it. Whatever he’s got on his hair, I would use on mine.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I’ll tell you that right now. I could use a little more bounce… I mean, my hair’s been feeling a little straw-like lately…
Jeff:
You need a little pert?
Casey:
I need that kind of body… Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That he’s got… It’s impressive.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Yeah. I mean that’s guy, it’s like he’s got a jellyfish on his head, the way it moves around.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Do you know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Macy Gray?
Casey:
Alright. So, okay, how did this guy do that? How did he… I mean, how did they even know that’s what happened? The girl was like, “He told me to do it,” or whatever?
Jeff:
I don’t know the story. All I heard was the last update…
Casey:
Okay. So now they’re like, “Yes, that press conference where we said we were awesome, what we actually meant is we’re terrible.”
Jeff:
“We’re [ so far ] awesome.”
Casey:
Yeah. “We’re, like, the worst thing ever. We let go a possible murder-implicated person…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He wasn’t David Lee Roth at all. He probably never had a cashew nut allergy. He’s probably just drunk or something…
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Or on some kind of drugs…
Jeff:
Yeah. “We got the blood test back. Yeah, he was wasted.”
Casey:
Here’s the thing, right…
Jeff:
And they only… He never said he was David Lee Roth. There was just a Van Halen tape playing.
Casey:
An implication. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
No. There’s just music playing and they assume…
Casey:
He’s David Lee Roth…
Jeff:
He’s David Lee Roth… Yeah, we… It’s not good.
Casey:
Here’s the best part about all of that…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is that Canada versus US, right… Name a place in the United States where the cops pull somebody over who looks a little fucked up and they immediately take them to the hospital?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, no.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“You’re gonna be in the fucking slammer,” right?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
They’re just gonna lock you up. They’re gonna make you do a field sobriety test. You’re gonna fail…
Jeff:
“And then we…”
Casey:
And they’ll lock you up.
Jeff:
“And then we tase you.”
Casey:
Yeah, and then they tase you. First, they beat the shit out of you. Then, they tase you. In Canada, they’re like, “Oh, could we get you…”
Jeff:
They’re so polite.
Casey:
“Some mineral water?”
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
“From the back of our Cruiser which has a little refrigerator built into it?” Right? Or maybe it’s a Mountie. Maybe he’s, like, on a fucking horse with one of those hats and the red coat, you know?
Jeff:
They’re so proud of the socialized medicine that they’ll take their…
Casey:
Everyone goes to the hospital.
Jeff:
Everyone goes directly to the hospital.
Casey:
“We take everyone directly to the hospital if they’re American so they can see it,” right? That’s how awesome it is.
Jeff:
Yeah, they want to…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If you’re American, we show you around the hospital first…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
We solve your nut allergies.
Casey:
Yeah, and then, we…
Jeff:
And then, we decide whether we’re gonna press charges.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And in this case, they didn’t and it’s…
Casey:
Awesome. Alright.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I think that’s all of our law enfarcement…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Enfarcement. Awesome.
Jeff:
Well, that’s good. That’s exactly…
Casey:
Our law enfarcement.
Jeff:
Yeah, this week in law enfarcement.
Casey:
This week in law enfarcement…
Jeff:
Okay, now it’s time for our weekly segment, this week in Former Adversaries… And we have 2 links this week…
Casey:
Yes. We do.
Jeff:
That fit…
Casey:
Bit former adversaries…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Our 2 biggest, probably.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true. Yep.
Casey:
First in World War II and then the Cold War.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the first one is… In Germany, they were doing… Was this a wax museum or a normal museum?
Casey:
It is actually the wax museum, Madame Tussaud’s…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
The famous one that has, you know, sort of museums all around the world, right? I mean, there’s…
Jeff:
Have you been to one of those before?
Casey:
I’ve been to the one in Canada. And that’s a Madame Tussaud’s, right? In Victoria, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, Victoria. I’ve been to that same one. I was gonna say that same one.
Casey:
Yep, I’ve been to that one.
Jeff:
It’s the lamest thing in the universe. They don’t even look like the people.
Casey:
I disagree, actually, I have to say.
Jeff:
You liked it?
Casey:
I don’t think I liked it but it was not the lamest thing in the universe.
Jeff:
I was like, “This is like…”
Casey:
It looked kind of interesting. I was like, “Oh, that’s kind of a neat sculpture.”
Jeff:
It’s like a natural history museum for humans, right. It’s just like…
Casey:
Well, I just liked the fact that I thought that it was an interesting… I don’t know if I… I guess art form is the word… It’s like, “Huh, that’s kind of weird, the way they make these things.” Like, I would’ve liked to have watched ‘the making of’,” you know.
Jeff:
Yeah, okay. I would take that.
Casey:
The actual thing…
Jeff:
But then the showing the thing, it’s like…
Casey:
It’s not so interesting…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, no. But I kind of… I had a little bit of appreciation for it. I mean, let’s face it, in Victoria, there ain’t a lot to see, Jeff. Okay? If I had to rank the stuff that I saw in Victoria, the wax museum would not be at the bottom, alright? There’s was a lot of stuff that will be at the bottom. Any of the gardens? Good or No good? Gardens, no good. Right here, I’m telling you right now.
Jeff:
Wow, okay. That’s…
Casey:
Gardens are no good.
Jeff:
That’s completely different than me. I thought that they…
Casey:
Bored the shit out of me.
Jeff:
Yeah, I loved the Victoria Gardens.
Casey:
I just liked the macaws.
Jeff:
[inaudible 40:17]
Casey:
The macaws were nice. I like macaws.
Jeff:
We went to… There was… We went to…
Casey:
I’d own a macaw. In my world a macaw would be a pet that I might have at some point.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I just heard they’re vicious so I’m a little worried.
Jeff:
So I’ve put off my purchase…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Until later.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, I’m gonna get…
Casey:
Well, I have a cat and…
Jeff:
Well, no, but it’s…
Casey:
You can’t have a pet cat and a pet bird. That’s no good. That’s a Saturday morning cartoon.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, or cereal.
Casey:
Okay. So we’re at a wax museum…
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
You were saying… You were describing the situation.
Jeff:
Yeah. In Germany. And they decided to… They had a little scene of Hitler and his final days in the bunker…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Where he’s scribbling…
Casey:
Like the fall, if you will.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And there was a large outcry in Germany. They’re very sensitive about Nazi stuff there, just in general, right?
Casey:
You think?
Jeff:
Well, the funny thing is like, they seem to think… And we have some German listeners so they can kind of maybe talk about it.
Casey:
They can corroborate or disagree.
Jeff:
Or just say, “This is just what the world [ press… ]”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It seems like they’re worried that their population is teetering on the edge of Nazi-ism. And any moment…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The wrong piece of…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You know, if we re-showed those old Nazi propaganda movies, it’s all over. It’s starting right up again.
Casey:
Well, it’s one of two things, really, in my mind, right. Either they’re legitimately concerned. Like, either they’re like, “We could go at any time,” right? It’s like, “We are so close to starting another World War, like, we already started 2. We can start a third at any time. We’re just trying to do you guys a favor and not have that happen.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That could be.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The other thing could be that there’s really no danger of that and they’re not actually worried about it?
Jeff:
It’s just political correctness?
Casey:
No, it’s… They are hypersensitive about the fact that that was them.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So now, it’s like… It is an entire century…
Jeff:
I’m sure that’s it. Sure.
Casey:
Of apologetics, of like, “We’re so sorry about the world thing. We don’t have any of that now.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Like, there’s none of that going on here,” right… It’s like a Catholic church or something… It’s like, “We’re so sorry about…”
Jeff:
Right. Well, but not the Catholic church in the sense that… The Catholic church in America have that thing where they can do the most atrocious thing…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then they’re just like, “Look, why do you guys keep bringing this up?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“This slavery… It’s been a long time.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“God. You guys just keep bringing this bad shit up again.”
Casey:
“Little boys are touching their own private parts all the time. I don’t see what the big deal is.”
Jeff:
Yeah. I happen to agree with that thing. I think it’s that they’re very hypersensitive…
Casey:
They might be.
Jeff:
They feel bad about it.
Casey:
Who knows? It could be like they’re more like an alcoholic who just is like, “If I take one drink, I’ll fucking be loaded on the floor…”
Jeff:
It’s all… Right.
Casey:
“Bottles all around me… You know, it’s like, I’m just fucked. Like, there’s no…”
Jeff:
Red sashes everywhere…
Casey:
Yeah. Either it’s cold turkey or not at all. We can’t just have a Nazi every night at dinner.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? We can’t have a Nazi on the weekend with friends.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s like, “No. We can never have a Nazi. As soon as I take one sip of Nazi, I’m fucking Nazi-d out.”
Jeff:
Right. Which is…
Casey:
“I’m gonna have 50 Nazis at night.”
Jeff:
Which is kind of funny because here in America, there’s a fair amount of popular culture that makes fun of that, usually from Jewish entertainers. Like, Mel Brooks has made a career…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. That’s right.
Jeff:
Out of using…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Jeff:
You know…
Casey:
Steven Spielberg, it’s like, he battles Nazis.
Jeff:
Yeah, all the…
Casey:
“Indiana Jones”…
Jeff:
Right. And so, that comes up over and over again.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
But yeah, in Germany, it’s fairly taboo.
Casey:
You know what I’m just thinking about, actually, now that I think about it? It’s too bad that movies aren’t like comic books where they always mix things up like they do mash-ups. Because like, “Schindler’s List” versus “Indiana Jones” could totally have been a mash-up. Never happened. Right?
Jeff:
He’d right the train…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then be…
Casey:
Yeah, absolutely. It’s like the train that’s taking them all to the camp but Indiana Jones is there…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? And he’s, like, fighting to let the people off the train.
Jeff:
And they melt all the SS officers’ faces…
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, well, obviously, that happens.
Jeff:
It’s all good.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well what did the… This guy…
Casey:
And it’d be like, [inaudible 44:10] like, Oscar Schindler’s, like, trying to have a dramatic moment. He’s like, “I could’ve saved more.” And Indy says something like, “Tell me about it.” You know, like, he has that little Indy comment…
Jeff:
Yeah. One of his little… Yeah.
Casey:
And then he turns around. It’s like, “Tantarantan… Tantana--…” Yeah. Okay. Anyway, I don’t know why but that’s how sick my mind is. Continue.
Jeff:
Well, what did the guy… So the guy ripped the head off. There was somebody… I think it was the 2nd person in the museum…
Casey:
Somebody… Okay. I will fill in here…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
What happened was everyone is looking at this scene, you know, they’re in the wax museum…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re looking at this scene. And within the first hour of its display… So this is when the museum opens…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right. [ Their wax museum… ] Somebody screams, “No more war.” A 41-year old man screams, “No more war,” runs before anyone could restrain him, and tears the head off of Hitler. It does not say what he did with, like… From the article, I couldn’t tell whether he, like, tore the head off and ran the head, giggling like, “Woohoo!” You know, with the head…
Jeff:
Or he humped the head…
Casey:
Or whether he tore it off and threw it down…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like a protest gesture or what happened but he tore the head off. So Hitler had no head.
Jeff:
Right. So when I read about that…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The article I sent said the very second person to see that exhibit was the dude that did it. So it’s the last exhibit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Apparently in this little thing… You go through to see all this…
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
That’s the last one. So he was the 2nd guy and he yanked it off which made me think of, like, here in America, we line up for “The Dark Knight”…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Overnight and “Star Wars”.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
He’s lining up to tear the head off a wax museum piece…
Casey:
Hitler?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That doesn’t happen here.
Casey:
Kind of. The Germans were so sensitive to an Adolf Hitler wax statue…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In his mind, that guy was probably like, “Holy shit, he’s back.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? He was like, “I have to do something.” Yeah.
Jeff:
All that needs to happen here is the ghost of Hitler needs to enter the wax body…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And we are fucked.
Casey:
We are fucked.
Jeff:
I’ve seen “Final Destination 3”. Anyway…
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
In Russia…
Casey:
Slightly different sort of overall attitude in Russia.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Different response.
Jeff:
Yeah, they have a different way of go--…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
They’re going another direction, right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so, they had to vote for Face of the Nation, right.
Casey:
Which means what exactly?
Jeff:
I don’t know.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
This is your link. This is [ Poll SB ]. Do you have that one up?
Casey:
Oh, you want me to check it out?
Jeff:
Yeah, you look that up. But basically, what it was was Russia wanted to vote for Face of the Nation, that was gonna represent them… Represent themselves… And after a long…
Casey:
Ah, I see here. It was for a TV station. They wanted to find the face of Russia who was a leader or a public figure who deserves to be thought of as the nation’s face. So it’s like putting your best foot forward.
Jeff:
Right. Okay. So like, the Russian version of, like, Mount Rushmore or putting a face on currency or something like that. So for their Thomas Jefferson, they chose Stalin.
Casey:
That’s so awesome.
Jeff:
So they embraced… They’re like, “You know what? Screw it. We’re just gonna go with the dude that kicked the most ass.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, actually, interestingly enough, Stalin is… I mean, they could’ve picked Lenin, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Who was sort of more of a great figure…
Jeff:
Right. Well, one that you could look at as, like… Forget about maybe the specifics that, like…
Casey:
It’s more like picking Fidel Castro or something.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, this person actually did sort of change the country and maybe was trying to do a good thing or whatever, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, Stalin… That’s a hard one, right? Like…
Jeff:
There is really no way to spin…
Casey:
I don’t know what to say about that.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I mean, I’m not an expert in Russian history but… Still…
Jeff:
He lowered taxes…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
By getting rid of a lot of people.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s probably…
Jeff:
The total amount of money dropped so, yeah…
Casey:
Good point. Alright.
Jeff:
So there you go. That’s our compare and contrast. Russia and Germany.
Casey:
So they were like, “Fuck tearing the head off the wax Stalin.”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Put it on.”
Casey:
“Let’s put up a statue.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Can we get some robotics engineers to place a little endoskeleton underneath the wax?”
Casey:
Yes. “Can we get Justin Timberlake to bring Stalin back? Like, is that possible? Is there any way to do that? I hear he can do that.” So Jeffrey…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s been a little while since I’ve asked you what’s no good.
Jeff:
Oh, you’re gonna give me another one?
Casey:
So I think it is time for…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Another… This Week is No Good, if you will…
Jeff:
This Week in No Good?
Casey:
Not This Week in No Good. This Week is No Good.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Because I am sure there are plenty of things that have happened in the past 2 or 3 weeks since we’ve done the last No Good that were no good.
Jeff:
Yeah. Okay.
Casey:
And I’m afraid that the listeners out there might not have an up-to-date No Good list…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
If we don’t…
Jeff:
They might wander into a situation…
Casey:
That is no good…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Without knowing that it’s no good.
Jeff:
That it’s no good. Because part…
Casey:
It’s kind of… Yeah. It’s like the root certificates update. It’s like you are telling them all the things that are no good so that they are prepared.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because most of the No Good’s, you can avoid. If you see a No Good approaching…
Casey:
You can avoid it.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
And the way you avoid it is only staying within properties that you own and never going outside.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is basically the… Except for go to the 7/11 to get your Slurpee.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you…
Casey:
And it’s always No Good, that. It’s always No Good. You just have to do it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah. But at least you’re prepared…
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
Because you know it’s no good.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
So here are some things…
Jeff:
Okay, so…
Casey:
And I’m wondering if they’re Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Okay. So you’re gonna give a scenario and…
Casey:
Same as last time.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I’m just gonna go through some things. I’m gonna see if they’re Good or No Good.
Jeff:
These are always nerve-wracking because I never know what you’re gonna say.
Casey:
Yeah. So here we go.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Someone has large headphones. You know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Those headphones that, like… Nowadays, you know, you get these little headphones that go in your ear. Not those.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The big kind that go…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And they’re wearing big headphones.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah. That’s no good and let me tell you why.
Casey:
Why am I not surprised?
Jeff:
Yeah. Big headphones, like… First off, big headphones seem to always go with Rollerblades. Like, I don’t know what the fuck. Like, if I was Rollerblading…
Casey:
Maybe there’s a discount for both of it.
Jeff:
I don’t know. Maybe the little ones pop out when you’re rollerblading or something…
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
But they wear these big ass ones…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they look… Okay. You already look… When you put on Rollerblades…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You already look like a dick. It doesn’t matter who you are.
Casey:
So Rollerblades are also no good?
Jeff:
Right. They’re no good.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
But it’s the combination of Rollerblades and large headphones that really is the icing on the cake.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But the good thing about large headphones is, like…
Casey:
Oh, there’s a good thing.
Jeff:
Yeah. If you get annoyed enough and want to run over them, you can claim they didn’t hear you. It’s like you have a built-in excuse. Like, “Look at those headphones. They’re fucking huge.”
Casey:
Well, now, so sometimes, I have seen large headphones on, like, an older man, let’s say…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
On an airplane.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Casey:
Is that no good? Or is that just not part of the no good-ness of large headphones?
Jeff:
No, that’s bad, too, but for a different reason, right. Like… Okay, the reason why that’s no good…
Casey:
Because these people have never Rollerbladed…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The people… I’m sure.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
They don’t even know what a Rollerblade is, right?
Jeff:
No, no. These are all people that spent, like, $150 on the noise cancelling headphones…
Casey:
Yes. Yes.
Jeff:
That do nothing, right?
Casey:
Yeah, that’s what they are.
Jeff:
So what they are… So that’s why it’s no good. You’re basically wearing something that says, “I’m a dumbass.” Because they don’t fucking work. They change the timber of the…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Like, the pitch of the outside sound goes down…
Casey:
Right, “I’m a dumbass executive.”
Jeff:
But that’s it. Yeah.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It’s like, “No, you can sell me anything.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s like, “I shop at the Sharper Image, and proudly.”
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay. Well, that was even better than I could’ve possibly imagine, as it always is. I always expect something outlandish and it’s even better, what I get. Alright. There is a company…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
There is a business…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And their company name ends with the word “Creative”. Like, instead of “Incorporated” or something like that, right.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
It’s like Pike Street Creative.
Jeff:
Oh, okay…
Casey:
Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Did you see… You’ve seen this…
Casey:
Oh, many times.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah. But I saw one recently and it jogged my memory that that’s like… Instead of Company or Incorporated or whatever…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or LLC…
Jeff:
’Cos usually, what that means is… It’s like the thing where you’re like, you know, “Hey, you’re Microsoft but then you’re Microsoft Studio.”
Casey:
But wait, is it Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Oh, it’s no good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You gotta start by telling me. I’m in suspense. Okay.
Jeff:
Well, right. No, it’s no good…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Because, like… First off, if you’re using a thing that everyone else does, like, you’re not creative, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like the same thing where you’re like, “I’m Microsoft. And then I start games so I call it Microsoft Games Studios,” right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No. No, you’re still Microsoft.
Casey:
Right. The Studios… It’s not a studio.
Jeff:
Right. Exactly.
Casey:
It’s not a studio in any way, shape, or form.
Jeff:
Right. Right. So no. No good.
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
That’s obviously just wrong.
Casey:
Alright. Well, I guess then, too, if you have to tell someone that you’re creative…
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah…
Casey:
You’re probably not.
Jeff:
In a completely non-creative way…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re like, you know…
Casey:
“We put in the name.”
Jeff:
Thanks for… I mean, they solved the suspense. You don’t need to get pitched by them to see they’re really poor and un--… You know, the non-creative thing. Although Microsoft would probably, like, “Hey, do you guys do videos? Like, you can, like, sign me up.”
Casey:
Oh, I guaran--… In fact, I know for a fact… I remember that some of Microsoft’s stuff was produced by a company with [ “Creative” on the name of it. ]
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
That’s probably one of their main criteria for selecting people is it has “creative” in the…
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s right there in the name, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Oh, boy.
Casey:
This is not a situation.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s just a thing, the next one.
Jeff:
Alright. Interesting.
Casey:
A cappella. Good or No Good?
Jeff:
Okay. I think we can safely say that that’s no good for anyone including…
Casey:
It doesn’t matter if it’s you. Just no good?
Jeff:
Right. Well, okay. So the people that are listening to it…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You’re just embarrassed. You’re like, “God damn it. First off, where did you get hair grease to slick your hair back? Where did you guy bow ties? Nobody sells bow ties? Is there somewhere on the internet that still…”
Casey:
Well, you don’t have to be in a barbershop quartet to be doing a cappella.
Jeff:
No, yeah, you do.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah, you do. Because…
Casey:
I mean, there’s like the college campus a cappella, right, like the students who are a cappella, right?
Jeff:
Okay. No Good on top of the No Good right there, right. That’s even worse, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because then you’re like, “Hey, I’m going to college. It’s my 1st chance to get laid and stoned and drunk. And you know what I want to do? I want to sing with a bunch of guys in a high-pitched voice. Yeah. Can you do anything else to ensure that I won’t get laid for 4 years? Is that possible? You know, I don’t need to…”
Casey:
“You don’t have a chess club?”
Jeff:
Right. You know those cards where you sign… Like, the chastity thing where you’re not gonna have sex before marriage?
Casey:
Like the Christian thing?
Jeff:
You don’t have to sign that shit if you’re in an a cappella group.
Casey:
No. It’s like the card…
Jeff:
It’s assumed.
Casey:
The card that says you’re a member of the a cappella group on the back has the chastity… Like, it’s just one card.
Jeff:
Right. And then laminate the whole fucking thing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they’re like, “Oh, I don’t see you’re licensed here for singing high-pitched with guys.” And you’re like, “Turn it over.”
Casey:
Yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Oh, okay. Okay. You’re fine.”
Casey:
“It says you can’t get laid?”
Jeff:
“Yeah. Turn it over.” No. I don’t understand.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I don’t understand… There’s… Like, if you can sing, pick up a guitar and get laid.
Casey:
Yep. Every night. Yeah.
Jeff:
Why do you have to sing with other guys?
Casey:
That’s a very good point and I have no idea. I would say that maybe you really like being with other guys would be the number 1 suspicion I might have.
Jeff:
And how many people…
Casey:
It’s like, “Thank God there aren’t all those women that keep coming to the other shows.”
Jeff:
Right. What do you think the percentage of a cappella members also have, like, little ventriloquist dolls? Because I say it’s like 50%.
Casey:
You think it’s the same sort of thing.
Jeff:
Oh, it’s the exact same thing.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No. They get done singing and they come out with a little puppet, put it on their lap, and they do some jokes that were funny 100 years ago.
Casey:
Is ventriloquism Good or No Good? I’m just gonna assume No Good on that one. I don’t even have to ask, right?
Jeff:
I’m not gonna answer that question.
Casey:
Okay, so that’s just No Good.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Alright. Okay. Moving on…
Jeff:
The only thing that’s good about ventriloquism…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is if the dummy goes bad. Then I’m all in favor.
Casey:
You like when they do that?
Jeff:
Possessed ventriloquism…
Casey:
Oh, no, you mean like actual… Like, the dummy is alive in some… What are you talking about?
Jeff:
Cursed. Yes.
Casey:
Cursed?
Jeff:
Cursed dummies.
Casey:
What world are you living in?
Jeff:
In an awesome one…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Where…
Casey:
You’ve watched “Final Destination 3” and its ilk to many times. In your mind this is like “Child’s Play” or whatever…
Jeff:
Yeah, “Final Destination”… Yeah. Yeah, that’s where…
Casey:
What’s the Chuckie one?
Jeff:
Yeah, I think that was….
Casey:
“Child’s Play”?
Jeff:
I don’t remember. There was Chuckie but he wasn’t really… He was just a doll.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m talking about like…
Casey:
Well, this is a ventriloquist, right [inaudible 57:10]
Jeff:
Yeah. But there’s been a whole bunch of those. That’s the only time. All other times, no good. If you’re killing people, fine.
Casey:
Alright. I’ve got one last one.
Jeff:
Alright. Wrap this up.
Casey:
A man is wearing a fanny pack, one of those little packs that goes around your waist.
Jeff:
Okay. Yes.
Casey:
Kind of like an extra container. Yeah. Good or No Good.
Jeff:
Okay. So let me address this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay…
Casey:
Wow, that was an interesting set-up. Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
First of all, you didn’t say Good or No Good. Is that…
Jeff:
Oh, No Good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay. Here’s the thing….
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
People had to shop for their fanny packs, right?
Casey:
Yeah. They had to buy that.
Jeff:
They had to go… I mean, that means that somewhere, there’s like a…
Casey:
I mean, you could just order it online but, you know, you had to go… Probably you went somewhere…
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s probably like at the Fred Meyer at the Wal-Mart, a big full sized mirror…
Casey:
Probably…
Jeff:
You put that on and said, “Yep…”
Casey:
“Yep, that’s working for me.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
First off, you have to be fairly… You know, usually you see the fanny pack on people that don’t need any more girth in the fanny.
Casey:
Right. And their wardrobe will already have been questionable prior to the addition of the fanny pack.
Jeff:
Right. And they’re generally wearing, like, cargo pants so they’re stretchy on top which means they have pockets.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Use the fucking pockets. You don’t need another thing to put in. The worst is when they have their phone in the fanny pack. It rings and it plays something embarrassing that they’re not embarrassed about…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, “This is awesome,” right?
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And then they have to unzip the fanny pack to get the phone out. Right then, that could be the worst thing we’ve talked about so far.
Casey:
So far for No Good?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Now, does it get more or less No Good.
Jeff:
Now also, you never… Just as a general side tip…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No matter who’s calling that guy on the fanny pack phone…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You never want to talk… That guy has nothing you’d ever want to hear about ever, right? Somebody calls somebody else on a fanny pack phone…
Casey:
Is No Good?
Jeff:
Has nothing interesting to say ever.
Casey:
Now, is there… Does the fanny pack get more or less No Good as it is moved around the waist in terms of orientation? Like, is fanny pack on the side… Like, if fanny pack’s in the front versus the side versus the back…
Jeff:
Right…
Casey:
Is that different degrees of No Good?
Jeff:
It depends on the person.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But generally, like you had the baseball caps forward…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then backwards or, like.. Ugh…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And then you had the “jauntily askew”…
Casey:
Yeah. Yep, or to the side…
Jeff:
Usually dropping some finger things…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Right? Like the hat, the biggest douche move is the fanny on the side…
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
Yes, fanny on the side is the worst. Unless you’re super overweight and you put the fanny pack above the chub so it’s kind of a nipple pack…
Casey:
No, that does not happen.
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
Have you actually seen that?
Jeff:
If we go to Kir--… If we walked down to the Kirkland Fair right now…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
There’d be one dude that has the fanny pack that kind of goes diagonally up from his waist over the chunkitude…
Casey:
Oh, my Lord…
Jeff:
And then he’s storing his keys in there…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
To the Tahoe….
Casey:
He can probably just put his keys in that crevice and not have to have a fanny pack.
Jeff:
Yeah, they have pockets, right?
Casey:
No, I meant just his fat crevice.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
He could probably store it.
Jeff:
Stash it under a…
Casey:
Yeah, absolutely.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
Alright, and speaking of that, you know what I meant to mention? I saw an interesting patent in Harpers Magazine the other day. ‘Cos I know that we had talked about… Oh, no. We didn’t talk about it. You just sent me a link. You sent me a bra size link.
Jeff:
Oh, right.
Casey:
Right? I saw a patent application for a bra that then can be used as a filtration device in the event of a terrorist attack. So it’s basically like a combination bra-gas mask.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
And it’s 2. So 2 people each use one cup, right? So like, a single brassiere is saving the lives of 2 people, right.
Jeff:
Right. So 2 cups, 1 girl.
Casey:
It goes from breast support… Nice. It goes from breast support to life support and that was the patent.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
What do you think of that?
Jeff:
Because in the midst of a terrorist attack, if all the women are taking off their bras, I’m like, I might participate in the attack, it’s like, Al Qaeda…
Casey:
Oh, you’re saying it’s kind of like a terrorist incentive, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. Right.
Casey:
Or a deterrent ‘cos, you know, if you’re maybe la fundamentalist Muslim or something, right, like with the Al Qaeda ones or something…
Jeff:
Oh, I see…
Casey:
You don’t want women taking off their tops.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
That’s No Good. In their little list of Good/No Good…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s a No Good, right?
Jeff:
That’s a No Good.
Casey:
Definitely No Good. And so if we’re like, “Hey, by the way, as soon as you bomb this place, everyone’s getting naked.” They’re gonna be like, “Uh-oh. That’s No Good,” right?
Jeff:
That’s No Good.
Casey:
Good for us. Bad for them.
Jeff:
Yeah. I think, like, to have 9/11 have accidentally turned into Woodstock in, like…
Casey:
Would’ve been awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah. It would’ve been a…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The world would’ve been a different place now years later, right?
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Yeah. No, that’s pretty awesome. I would’ve never… Of all the articles of clothing to turn into a gas mask…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, they focused on the one that they had to be most interested in the women taking off. It’s like…
Casey:
Well, here’s the thing, right, you noticed that…
Jeff:
Version 1, it’s a shirt or it’s a fanny pack…
Casey:
There’s not men’s underwear, right?
Jeff:
Right. Who’s breathing into that shit? Holy shit.
Casey:
That’s exactly what I was gonna say.
Jeff:
You know, I’ll take the anthrax, thank you.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That’d be so awesome. Like, you take off, like this jock strap…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it’s kind of… You take the cup part out and you start breathing through it. It’s like… That’s like something to haze people with on, like, college football teams or something.
Jeff:
“Hey, bro, we could share.” “No, thanks.”
Casey:
Yeah. No.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
“I’ll die, thanks. I’ll go ahead and…” Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Woo! Take a hit off of that. Boy, that’s some clean air coming through there.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Okay. It’s time now to talk about some of the email issues that we’ve been having.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Namely that there hasn’t been any emailing. So I’m sure that the reason is not because you don’t want to email us because I know that everyone does want to email us.
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
Yeah. So…
Jeff:
The internet’s been down.
Casey:
That’s right. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Except for us.
Casey:
So Podcast@MollyRocket.com…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You can email us. Or even better than emailing us at Podcast@MollyRocket.com is coming to the Jeff & Casey forums…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And posting and visiting with us…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like a little sit-down with us…
Jeff:
Yes, come by…
Casey:
There’s some great stuff there — Sean’s links…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which link to everything that we discussed in the podcast and then some…
Jeff:
Right, and all of our good friends, Ron and Dave and…
Casey:
All of our good friends, yes, everyone out there…
Jeff:
Yep, all of the good buddies, come by and participate in the discussion and say hi.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And on Wednesdays, we’ll always post something good on Wednesdays.
Casey:
In the forums only.
Jeff:
Right. And only in the forums.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So if you’re listening to this on iTunes, come by and take a look at the site and participate. There’s lots of cool people.
Casey:
You won’t be disappointed.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or you will be disappointed but in a wonderful way.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It will be the most wonderful disappointment that you’ve ever experienced.
Voice:
The savanna, covering 80 square miles of the hottest terrain below the Nile Delta. It is home to the African golden lion. A matriarchal society, the male lion as little to do and even less to fear except for the occasionally kick in the testicles. 5,000 miles away, surrounded by ice over 18 stories high, a female penguin watches over her young. At only 6 months old and with very little in the way of developed feathers, these are some of nature’s coldest testicles. Insult to injury. The rainforest, home to over 1 trillion species, each with their own unique pair of testicles. Descending through the canopy to the forest floor, we catch a rare glimpse of a red crested rainforest swallow getting kicked in the testicles. And the hummingbird, wings beating over 300,000 times a second, only the swiftest of foot has any chance. Lasting no more than 2 billionths of a second, a kick to its microscopic testicles was never possible to capture on film until now. At over 13 feet in diameter and weighing as much as 5,000 pounds, the scrotals of the prehistoric testisaur and those of its cousin, the [ janglis ] are among the largest ever discovered. Un-kicked for millions of years, these testicles have fascinated paleontologists for generations. Conventional wisdom holds that something so large must have been kicked at some point yet no foot bone has been found near their fossilized remains. It is therefore left to our imagination. From the sweaty testicles of the savanna to testicles frozen solid by the icy arctic wind… From rapid testicles impossible to follow, to enormous testicles impossible to miss, man’s continued indifference threatens both the kicked and those doing the kicking. Until one day, there may be few things rarer than witnessing a kick in the testicles.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 23
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