Blog
Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
An Alternate Dimension with the Worst Superhero
"Wait, what's not true - that Spiderman can't spit, or that elderly people aren't like Spiderman?"
Original air date: July 16th, 2008
Topics. Portland and Vancouver trips. This Week in Elderly. This Week in Pornography. This Week in Microsoft.
Subscribe. If you’d like to have the latest episode of The Jeff and Casey Show delivered fresh to your computer every Monday, you can check out our list of RSS feeds and other subscription options here.
Transcript
Jeff:
Hey everybody! Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show.
Casey:
Welcome to the Jeff and Casey Show!
Jeff:
It is July 11th, at 1:30 in the morning.
Casey:
It is definitely sort of an early morning podcast morning for me. I think I got up today at 9 pm, I wanna say.
Jeff:
Yeah, you’re on a weird schedule.
Casey:
I am on a weird schedule.
Jeff:
I have not slept since the day before, so we’ve got some sleepy podders.
Casey:
Whoa, what?
Jeff:
I didn’t sleep last night, so I went straight through.
Casey:
Wow, okay. Alright.
Jeff:
And so we’re a little sleepy, but it’s going to work out just fine.
Casey:
Now, after last week…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
We did the world sandwich. I went up to Vancouver, and you went to Portland.
Jeff:
And we kind of made a little, tiny
Casey:
Yeah, what would you call that? It was more like a bite size…a pizza. We were making a pizza out of the world, right? Make it something like that?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So how was your trip? Did it go well?
Jeff:
Yeah, I did some Fascination.
Casey:
You played Fascination? I don’t think the people listening at home know what Fascination is.
Jeff:
It’s kind of like, everyone knows the game where you roll the ball and it goes up the ramp and into the little holes, for like 500, 200 points.
Casey:
Ski-Ball?
Jeff:
Ski-Ball. This is kind of like that, only there’s a grid of circles, and you’re trying to make either a tic-tac-toe basically, kind of thing. Or you’re trying to do the whole thing and roll them. But it’s fun. It’s a total old-school kind of town we go to. In fact I’ll post two pictures that crack me up.
Casey:
You took these pictures?
Jeff:
Yeah, I took two pictures because there’s what I consider the world’s worst miniature golf there. Which is, it’s indoors
Casey:
Now, that is hard, okay. Being the ‘World’s Worst Miniature Golf’ is fierce competition. I mean, everybody who has like a little tiny hole-in-the-wall place, if near a tourist location, they set up miniature golf. I mean, I have seen miniature golf set up in garden shops, in ice cream stores… If there is five square feet to put a hole and a little rubber mat with three little dimples in it for the ball, there will be miniature golf.
Jeff:
Right. This is ten holes, where it looks like they unrolled an executive putting green kind of thing, for ten things in a row.
Casey:
Ten times.
Jeff:
Right. They’re all straight.
Casey:
Awesome!
Jeff:
They’re all straight.
Casey:
Where’s the windmill?!
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They just didn’t even…
Jeff:
No no.
Casey:
FUCK the windmill!
Jeff:
Here’s the awesome thing. That’s the awesome thing. Everything they did for the course is painted on the wall next to it.
Casey:
NO IT IS NOT. So they have a painted windmill?
Jeff:
I believe there was one little rocket that was not on the hole. It’s just sitting along the side, leaned up against one of the walls.
Casey:
It’d be awesome if they had like the sign so it’s like, “Watch out for the rocket!” It’s like, “Dude, if I hit the rocket, that means that A, I’m like five feet off the ground with my ball, and B, it hit the backstop because this is nowhere near the…” That’s good.
Jeff:
Right across the street, there’s a little train that kids can ride.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Worst little kid’s train in the world as well.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
Now, what it is, is the little lot that it’s in
Casey:
That’s hard. I don’t even know how you judge that because those little kids’ trains, as soon as you’re not a little kid anymore, are instantly… it’s like binary. It’s not like, “Oh this is a bad little kids’ train.” It’s like “no. This is just bad.” They’re all stupid.
Jeff:
That’s what you’d think.
Casey:
Yeah. . . This one was totally like out in front?
Jeff:
Right, like it’s between. Now, all this shit is in like a little strip mall. So basically you have a building, a small gap that you’d put a fairly small storefront in, and a building.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In this small gap where there’s no building, maybe one and a half alleyways wide…
Casey:
Like where you’d have the basketball hoop in an inner city or something…
Jeff:
Maybe a parking…. Yeah
Casey:
You’d just like shoot.
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s a train that goes in a circle. And you’re like…It just goes in a circle. There’s no turns, it just goes in a circle right back to the beginning.
Casey:
I wonder where the train is going next!
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like “We were just there five seconds ago”.
Jeff:
Well, and the guys on the back of the train kind of face the guys on the front of the train, because the train’s like three quarters of the track length. The other thing is like there’s just a chain-link fence around the train area, so it’s not even like they’ve decorated it. It’s just track, chain-link fence, and gravel.
Casey:
Oh, is this like gravel and a chain link fence? Wow.
Jeff:
And then they drive around, and there’s clearly some crazy pedophile driving the train.
Casey:
Blow the whistle. [MAKES TRAIN NOISE]
Jeff:
Let’s all blow my whistle. It’s so bad. Those are links that actually Sean cannot fulfuill, so I’ll send them to you.
Casey:
Only you can provide them.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Well, you know, that sounds like a challenge to me because I have a feeling that if you had given him more information, like if you had told him what the shop was or something,
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I bet he probably could. Like he’d go on Flikr, and he’d fucking find someone else who had taken…
Jeff:
It’s Seaside Miniature Golf.
Casey:
Don’t fuck with his links. He gets the links to everything, no matter how complex it is, he can find it.
Jeff:
No. It’s awesome.
Casey:
Well, I don’t think I have anything that qualified necessarily in Vancouver, along the same lines as worst, in that sense. I will say there were some… What the fuck was that hand signal? That was a weird ass…
Jeff:
I just remembered something that is the worst that you told me about in Vancouver.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Their crazy action.
Casey:
No, well, I mean that’s just making fun of Vancouver’s civil…
Jeff:
No, that is the worst recycling system I’ve ever heard of.
Casey:
Okay, yeah, well it was pretty bad. So basically what they do there is… In Seattle anyway, you know, Seattle tries to be really green. Someone was telling me the other day that we introduced legislation to ban having beach fires because they were afraid of CO2 emissions, or something like this. It’s like, “Okay, way to attack, you know, the meat of the problem, guys”, but whatever. I don’t know if that’s actually true or not, we should get a link to that. It was Steve’s Theater who was saying it, though, who tends to be very accurate as we know, so who knows?
Jeff:
We also made a tax on…
Casey:
Did we? What did we make a tax on?
Jeff:
On plastic grocery store bags.
Casey:
Well, you know, I think San Francisco got rid of them, right? Aren’t they just flat-out banned now or something?
Jeff:
Oh, really?
Casey:
Yeah. That’s one of those things that they don’t need to do. Those plastic bags will be like ten dollars soon, so no one will use them. You don’t need a tax.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
They’re just gonna be fifty bucks. You don’t need to prevent people from making petroleum products. Pretty soon they’ll be so expensive that no one will ever use them, so it’s just done, right? But anyway, that’s beside the point. The point is, in Seattle to recycle things; you have a recycle bin and a garbage bin, right? And that’s true at your house or on the street, so on the street, there’s like a trash can, and then there’s a recycle can.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So if you think that something’s recyclable, you put it in there, right?
Jeff:
And there’s others like glass and there’s a whole pile.
Casey:
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes there’s actually multiple ones. You separate. Now, I guess they didn’t know about this system? They couldn’t come up with the idea of having two bins, I guess? That was not like in Vancouver. They were like, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do about the recycling. We want to recycle more stuff, but it’s just a trash can.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“How do we make it, how can we make it so that you could put things in it that were recycling and trash, and then we could get them out again?” That was like… it was a stumper. Like, they had their best civil engineers on it; they couldn’t come up with anything, right? They went to the University of Waterloo. They were like, “Please help us,” and they were like, “We got nothin’.” Right?
Jeff:
“Except this new flavor of bacon.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “We know that we can recycle a pig and maple syrup.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So anyway, point being, they came up with this system, which is basically a trash can that has five cup holders on the front, and I mean that literally. It is like five cup holders on the front, stuck to the trash can.
Jeff:
You’re saying like little canisters that you can put lots of stuff in?
Casey:
FIVE CUP HOLDERS. So it’s like in your car, right?
Jeff:
The little circular things?
Casey:
Yes. Right, yeah.
Jeff:
So, you could drink five things a week?
Casey:
Okay, there are five cup holders stuck to the front of the trash can, and it has a label on it in big white letters that says Recycling Rack. That’s what it says.
Jeff:
It’s called The Rack.
Casey:
And the implication is that when you are drinking something in a recyclable container, that you will place it into the rack. The first five lucky contestants of the day, if you have a recycling container, will place it on the rack, and then the rest of the stuff goes in the garbage. Now, garbage cans in Vancouver are not emptied any more frequently than they are here, right? So what this basically means is you have a trash can, filled with recyclable shit, five of which are in the rack on the front. That’s basically what happened.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So I have no idea what the problem was there. It seems ludicrous to me. But what I was going to say before you asked me that question was… I was up there visiting a friend of mine.
Jeff:
Mmhm.
Casey:
I drove up with a friend, and she was going to a party there, so she went to that, and I went to visit my friend.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And we walked around the city and so on, and you know just kind of hung out and whatever.
Jeff:
Now this is a childhood buddy that you’ve known forever.
Casey:
Yes, yes. Someone I’ve known. . . Well, high school.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He grew up in town, much like the Wheel of Peace person. I didn’t meet him until high school because our high school was kind of grouped, you know, into a bigger thing, so there would be enough kids.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Anyway, so what happened sort of late on Sunday night… We were walking back to the car. I was going to leave. So we’re walking back from the city across one of the bridges over to kind of where he was staying, which was a more residential area where our car was parked. There was a dude, who had his window open. Like, we walked by this apartment complex, and because we were on a bridge, there was maybe fifty feet between us and the apartment complex, and the eighth or ninth story was like eye-level to us.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And there’s just… It’s just breasts, right? On the TV. There’s just naked
Jeff:
Oh you can see right into the porn.
Casey:
frontal nudity on the TV. Like, you don’t have to be eavesdropping. It’s a huge big-screen TV, right? And there’s just nudity, okay?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So we’re like, “What the fuck is that?” So we look over
Jeff:
Was it dark, so you could
Casey:
Yeah, it’s pitch black. It’s nighttime, right? So you could see. So basically it’s just like a huge fucking side broadcast
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
of this dude’s porn film or whatever, right, that he’s watching.
Jeff:
That everyone else can see.
Casey:
I shouldn’t say he. I guess I don’t know. It could be a she; we couldn’t see who was watching it. Or maybe no one was watching it. So we look in there, though, and it’s like it’s not actually a porn film. It’s just nudes. They’re just nude for some reason, okay? They’re getting into a tanning bed. Two women, both topless
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
getting into tanning beds, okay?
Jeff:
I’m liking the scenario.
Casey:
Right? Well, it’s kind of Geas it a bit here in a second because they get into these things, and then like intrigue starts happening, right?
Jeff:
Oh, okay. I’m intrigued.
Casey:
We see, like, that some part of the tanning apparatus is starting to malfunction. There’s like dials that are like going like up and down
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
like warning and shit, right?
Jeff:
So Peter Parker?
Casey:
It’s starting to get too hot in there or something like that, right? It’s too hot in this film, so then what happens is we’re cutting to different people who are like unraveling part of a mystery or something
Jeff:
Okay?
Casey:
We couldn’t tell. They were using a computer. There’s a woman who’s looking really consternated about something. Who knows what’s going on here? Then somehow in this film a coat rack falls over spontaneously, and wedges itself into the tanning apparatus such that the women cannot get out. And they are starting to like be fried to death.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right, okay?
Jeff:
I thought you were going to say the coat rack fell in and then they like
Casey:
Oh, started using the coat rack
Jeff:
No, no! I assumed they turned like The Fly and turned part coat rack, and part yeah.
Casey:
Well, maybe. At this point, we’re just like, “This blows. This movie is fucking terrible,” so we walked away. But honestly I really wanted the info button because I want to go to like IMDb and read the synopsis of what the hell was happening because I could not figure out how anyone could have made this scene. Like, “Okay, the tanning bed is malfunctioning and the coat rack falls over, and like, is it some supernatural thing? Like maybe or what’s happening here?”
Jeff:
But they were nude.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
See, but that sounds really familiar to me, but I don’t… I can’t place it. I might be able to come up with something.
Casey:
Oh, do you think that this is actually like Arachne? It’s some movie you’ve actually seen somehow?
Jeff:
I think it might be one of those Skinemax movies that are on
Casey:
Okay where they’re just like, “Well, this movie’s fuckin’ terrible, so as long as we just have some nudity in it, we can show it on like late night whatever, and it’ll get some viewers. That’s like basically the idea or…
Jeff:
Well, no. They say well… No. It’s more like, “This is going to be nudity, and we need just the trappings of a story around it, and so maybe there’s…” Gosh, that sounds familiar to me. I wish I could
Casey:
Well, but here’s the thing, though. Are you sure that’s what happens, because in the movie industry, maybe what happens is all of the scripts that are bad, right? They just, maybe they Skinify them, and send them to Skinemax, right? Like maybe that’s what they do.
Jeff:
Yeah, I don’t know which comes
Casey:
Maybe they were originally films that were supposed to be good, and people were like, “No, these are terrible.” So they rewrote, they skinified the script, you know? Is that possible?
Jeff:
No, I think that… Mmm maybe. I think it’s more like that’s the excuse the producers get to get actresses to star in anything on Cinemax.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
See, what we’re trying to do here is kind of a
Casey:
Right. I see.
Jeff:
a deep feeling kind of thing, where the thing she feels bad about her father and yeah. But no, when really it’s like, no, if it’s on Cinemax on the weekend, there is one reason this movie exists.
Casey:
So the producer was like, “Have you seen Sleepless in Seattle? We’re doing something just like that, only there’s tanning. There’s a lot of tanning in it”
Jeff:
Right. And then she gets there and they’re like, “I need you to strip down.”
Casey:
Right, yeah. Yeah. “You’re going to be wearing this thong for most of it.”
Jeff:
And I need you to start checking your email.
Casey:
Like in Sleepless in Seattle, but with a stripper.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But everyone is strippers. Alright, well, what I think you should do then is, I think you should find out what this movie is that you think you can find on an inkling, and then on a future podcast, you will be able to come back and tell us.
Jeff:
Sean may, that might be enough information for Sean to find it.
Casey:
Maybe, but it’s a little bit hard to go on, yeah.
Jeff:
But yeah, that actually feels familiar.
Casey:
Alright, maybe it was a regular film, too, I dunno.
Jeff:
Yeah, I dunno.
Casey:
Alright. Alright.
Jeff:
So, I had two links that I sent you this week, and so this is kind of our “This Week in the Elderly Portion of the Show.”
Casey:
It’s not kind of.
Jeff:
It is.
Casey:
We don’t do ‘kind of’ on the podcast. This is, “This Week in the Elderly.”
Jeff:
This is, “This Week in the Elderly.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And we’ve kind of been rough on the elderly now and again.
Casey:
You don’t like the elderly.
Jeff:
Well…
Casey:
Which is odd because you’re older than I am. If anyone shouldn’t like the elderly, it’s me.
Jeff:
Well, here’s the thing. I don’t dislike the elderly, if they stayed home and didn’t like run over people.
Casey:
Like you. If they didn’t go out in public like you, you would have no problem with them.
Jeff:
Yeah
Casey:
So you’re gonna be a good old person because you won’t be out there causing problems.
Jeff:
Exactly
Casey:
So you’re not gonna cause a problem.
Jeff:
I’m not falling down in the driveways of America.
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
Well, so the first story I wanted to tell you was this woman in Milwaukee, I think it was. And her name is, what was it, Betsy? What’s her last name, do you have it? You have the link.
Casey:
Do you want to look it up?
Jeff:
Yeah, let’s just call her Betsy. Betsy’s a great old woman.
Casey:
It’s Betty Barowsky.
Jeff:
Betty, okay. Betty Barowsky, and she just got home driving home, okay? And she’s elderly, and she’s like, you shouldn’t be on the road first off.
Casey:
She was ninety-one. She’s fucking old.
Jeff:
She’s ninety-one, okay. So she got out of her car, and apparently she dropped her keys, which happens to all of us, right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And they kind of rolled underneath the car.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so this ninety-year-old woman gets down on her hands and knees to go get her keys, okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
She climbs underneath the car, and her giant elderly head of a head gets stuck on the axel.
Casey:
Ugh.
Jeff:
Like, wedged underneath it. So she’s stuck, okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It takes two days for the neighbors to go, “Where’s Betty?”
Casey:
How does it take two days? Don’t they see like an old lady ass sticking out from a car for like several hours?!
Jeff:
I think she got way under there. I think she did, you know, like an old lady Spiderman crawl all the way in there.
Casey:
Spiderman is like the opposite of old lady, like they have nothing in common in my mind.
Jeff:
No, like
Casey:
Nothing that Spiderman does is something that an old lady can do. Just, period.
Jeff:
Actually that’s not true.
Casey:
Except spit, maybe. Can he spit?
Jeff:
No, Spiderman doesn’t spit.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Actually, that’s not true. Spiderman
Casey:
What’s not true? That Spiderman can’t spit, or that elderly people are like Spiderman?
Jeff:
Both… uh, wait. No, one and then not the other.
Casey:
You’re really fucking confusing me at this point, dude.
Jeff:
Yeah, well it is… It’s very late. But let me explain, okay. Spiderman does not spit, however old people are like one version of Spiderman, and that’s the Spiderman that’s in the daily comic strip in the newspaper.
Casey:
Uhhhh
Jeff:
You know the dailies that come out every day in the comic strip.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s a Spiderman in there.
Casey:
There is?!
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Spiderman is like a periodical like that?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Huh.
Jeff:
He kind of lives in an alternate dimension where he’s the worst super hero in the entire… He’s the worst. Like, he’s often laid out with the flu.
Casey:
What?!
Jeff:
Peter Parker is the like
Casey:
Are you serious?!
Jeff:
Yeah. He the worst complainer, like, he gets fired from his job all the time. He’s like the loser of Spiderman.
Casey:
Alright, yep.
Jeff:
Anyway, all I’m saying is Betty’s under the car for two days until someone goes, “Shit, there’s some like legs poking out of the back of the car.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they manage to get her gigantic melon unhooked and then pull her out.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they say, “Betty, what the hell?” And they said she was confused. Because she was a little confused.
Casey:
Yeah, you think?
Jeff:
Yeah, a little bit… been under a car for two days.
Casey:
Chyea. Ninety-one.
Jeff:
The best part is the policeman noticed the car keys are in the door. They never fell down at all, alright! This woman is driving, okay! A woman who imagined her keys hitting the floor, crawls under, gets her head stuck under her own car, never happened in the first place, okay.
Casey:
Nope, did not happen, yeah.
Jeff:
The police should’ve taken the keys out of the door and kept them.
Casey:
I do think that if you look at sort of the number of things that the police are allowed to extend, like they like pull you over for speeding, and they find drugs in the back of your car or something, they can arrest you for that, right. THEY NEED THOSE KINDS OF LAWS FOR THIS.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, IF YOU’RE INVESTIGATING SOMETHING ELSE, AND YOU HAPPEN TO FIND SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY…. They should have a list of things that the police were investigating for and if they were investigating for that, and they find out you have a license, they take the license, right.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
You know, all these sorts of things like that.
Jeff:
So like, Miranda rights that would be applied in… If you get stuck under your own car, then we’re allowed to take your keys for 24 hours. I see.
Casey:
Right, yes, exactly. And it’s just, you just have to retake the test or something, or you just have to go retake the driving test, is all it is, right. You don’t lose your license
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
You just have to retake the test.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
And if you can’t retake the test, then that’s it. Now, the fact that we don’t have you have to retake the test every like year after you get to be like eighty or something, automatically is a little odd, right?
Jeff:
It’s insane, right.
Casey:
But still. Yeah.
Jeff:
I will tell someday my story of my dad retaking his driver’s test recently, which is an awesome story
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
but it’s fairly long, so I will save that for another day, but yeah. Okay so that’s our first Elderly of the Week.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And the second one was a little bit more disturbing, and you have the article in front of you.
Casey:
Yes you sent this to me, again, because you pretty much only read very sort of reputable
Jeff:
Uh huh. Oh wait, this was actually
Casey:
important news
Jeff:
This was like MSNBC I think, right? What did I, where did that come from? Watch it come from TMZ or something embarrassing like that.
Casey:
Yeah, dude, MSNBC will fucking print anything. They will print anything. It is not like, “Oh you want the fourth Iranian missile test thing or whatever? Yeah, sure no problem.”
Jeff:
“We’ll do that for you.”
Casey:
“Yeah, in fact we added more missiles because it’s cooler, you know.”
Jeff:
“It looks better.”
Casey:
Yeah. This one that you sent me right here, the headline is “Eighty-year-old Vegas Stripper Still Does it ‘Classy’”. Now I am not adding the quote unquote there.
Jeff:
They put it in there.
Casey:
They added the quote, right, so you know, right. Like, I don’t ever. You know how on the podcast I always have things that I never want to have happen to me. That’s always the first thing I think of, is that I never want this to happen to me. I don’t ever want a positive adjective to appear next to my name in quotes
Jeff:
In quotes.
Casey:
on a major new source, right.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“Casey Muratori Makes ‘Fun’ Podcasts”
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
or ‘Interesting’ Podcasts
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, I don’t want that. That’s not good, right. That’s not good.
Jeff:
Right. “Casey Brings ‘Sexy’ Back”
Casey:
Right, yeah exactly. “Sexy, in big old quotes, Back”
Jeff:
And then you’re like, “This is gonna be fucking…” You’re just like, “Oh man, here it comes.”
Casey:
Yeah, I guess if you’re really bad you get double quotes, right. Like, “Casey Muratori ‘Brings’ ‘Sexy’ Back” right.
Jeff:
Awesome. The double. The dreaded double quote.
Casey:
Yeah. We’re not sure he’s bringing anything, and if it is bringing something, we’re pretty sure it’s not sexy.
Jeff:
Right. Awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. So, “Eighty-Year-Old Vegas Stripper Does it ‘Classy’”
Jeff:
So she’s still dancing.
Casey:
Her name is Tempest Storm.
Jeff:
Of course it is.
Casey:
Real name, yeah. Probably not a stage name.
Jeff:
Yep. Course not.
Casey:
And she is still doing a burlesque performance.
Jeff:
It’s probably Betsy Baroski from Milwaukee, and she doesn’t want anybody to know, and it wasn’t her head that was stuck under the axel. It was her huge knockers
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
just trapped underneath there.
Casey:
“Hey baby, I dropped my keys again.” [imitates burlesque music] Oh man, when she bent down to get her keys I was sprung.
Jeff:
Right, that was awesome. And does she have like old lady pantyhose? The crazy leg with these garters and all that.
Casey:
Well, I don’t know about you, Jeff, but I’m imagining one of those like striped, big swimsuits that they used to have, you know, back in like 1920
Jeff:
which is really puffy because she has like Depends on underneath her thong
Casey:
Right, yeah, for sure, you don’t want to have that problem at the beach.
Jeff:
Or on the pole, you know.
Casey:
Yeah, well.
Jeff:
You can’t be
Casey:
NO! No poles. It said very specifically in this article that she doesn’t use a pole because that’s like a new stripper thing.
Jeff:
I see, right.
Casey:
She does it ‘classy’.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And classy means no poles. Now at some level
Jeff:
It also hurts her like, you know, rheumatoid arthritis. “I tried it once and got dizzy and passed out.”
Casey:
Oh man. Oh God. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, I don’t know what to say here.
Jeff:
Eighty years old and she’s still doin’ it.
Casey:
Yeah, it says here that she has been told by famous men that she had ‘the best two props in Hollywood’.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
That’s what it said.
Jeff:
Let me just say something to all the strippers who listen to our podcast
Casey:
Do we have a lot of strippers who listen to the podcast?
Jeff:
Plenty, yep, lots of ‘em.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Here’s our tip. Whatever a man says to you when you’re on stage is a lie. No matter what it is. He can say, “Man, you have the most beautiful hair, smile, eyes, ass…” Whatever he says, he’s lying.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I promise. It doesn’t matter what he says. It doesn’t matter how fucked up the quote he says to you. He’s like, “Man, your toenails are awesome.” If he says that, you have wicked bad toenails. Go see a doctor.
Casey:
It doesn’t mean they have bad toenails, it’s just not relevant. They’re not actually commenting on anything, they’re just thinking of something to say at that point, right?
Jeff:
If they pick something completely out of left field, it’s fucked up, and he has an excuse for it.
Casey:
Yeah, it doesn’t mean you have fucked up toenails, it means he’s into toenails.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
That’s what it means. You’re just finding out what the guy’s into basically. No, actually that’s not true, sorry. You’re finding out the thing that the guy didn’t think was too weird to comment on, so it’s like one removed.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He didn’t say the actual thing that he was gonna say, right. He said the next thing that he thought of, right.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
To try and make it, you know
Jeff:
a little better.
Casey:
a quote unquote: classy comment.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah, that is the most… “That’s the, you have the most supple skin,” and he’s thinking like, “That’s the most freakish mole I’ve ever seen.”
Casey:
Yeah, right, right, yeah. Totally.
Jeff:
“Is that an age spot or a bruise?”
Casey:
Well with an eighty-year-old, it’s liver.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
Right. That’s what happens. It’s rough.
Jeff:
Oh my God.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So she just… Burlesque, what does that mean, does that mean they go Full Monty, or does that mean they leave like
Casey:
I dunno. Burlesque is one of those things that I don’t know what it means, I just know that it’s popular because like in Seattle, there’s all these burlesque shows. There’s like posters everywhere that’s like, “Burlesque, Burlesque”. It’s like somehow that’s become the new porn thing, or I don’t know if it’s technically considered porn, but whatever you want to call it.
Jeff:
Wow, so that is so fucked up because
Casey:
But I don’t know what it means. I don’t understand. If you asked me to define the difference between a peep show or a strip club, and a burlesque club, I don’t fucking know.
Jeff:
You can’t get the idea, alright.
Casey:
It’s a more complicated word. That’s all I got out of you.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
You know, I have no idea.
Jeff:
Well, all I see, is whenever I see someone say ‘burlesque show’
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
That means like ‘not hot girls’. Period. That’s always what it is.
Casey:
Yes. That is probably true.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Hey burlesque” It means like… It’s like when you go on
Casey:
It’s more like burly, is what they meant to say. Not burlesque, but burly.
Jeff:
It’s not the good action.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
It’s like when people say, you know, ‘big-boned’. Like no, you’re not. You’re burlesque, and you’re scary. You’re not sexy, you think you are, and the rest of us are kinda… We’re going out of like a sense of morbid curiosity. It’s like, “How much shit is she gonna take off?” And then you’re
Casey:
OHHHH SHE DID!
Jeff:
Damn it!
Casey:
OH NO!!
Jeff:
Oh brother. Eighty years old and she’s still working
Casey:
She’s twirling those tassels on something totally different from what I was expecting.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Eighty years old. She’s probably like a great-grandmother, and she’s working it, right.
Casey:
I, you know, I really don’t know what to tell you. I mean, you sent me the article; you have all the information I have
Jeff:
Give us her name one more time.
Casey:
I don’t really know… Tempest Storm.
Jeff:
Alright, Tempest. Sounds like a super hero.
Casey:
Okay, if she was in a Clive Barker game, you know, I’d be like, right, okay. Eighty-year-old stripper, who also has psionic powers, you know, would be like yeah, Tempest Storm.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right, no problem. Yeah. She’s on the team.
Jeff:
Yeah. And then the model comes out
Casey:
and she fights with a sword primarily. Two swords, twin blades. The best two props in Hollywood.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And that ain’t no lie.
Casey:
Mmhm.
Jeff:
Alright, well that about wraps up our “This Week in Elderly”. That wraps it up really good.
Casey:
Oh, that wraps it up, and I’m not gonna be able to have sex for a month.
Jeff:
Yep, I’m not going to be… I’m gonna have nightmares for a week.
Casey:
Exactly. Alright, it is time for what I think is probably everyone’s favorite segment on the podcast.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which is, “This Week in Pornography.”
Jeff:
I like all the “This Weeks in”
Casey:
That’s your fault.
Jeff:
I’m liking this.
Casey:
You’re the one who likes the “This Week”s, so I try to every time say “This Week in Blah”
Jeff:
I like it.
Casey:
So it’s “This Week in Pornography” and I have two items. The first item is
Jeff:
Can I ask one question before you start?
Casey:
Maybe. Is it pornographic?
Jeff:
Ummm
Casey:
Otherwise I’ll have to ask you to wait for a different segment.
Jeff:
Maybe a little bit.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
What would you have called my “This Week in Flomax”? Would it have been “This Week in Jeff’s”…
Casey:
You mean when you told the story about your retrograde ejaculation?
Jeff:
What would all of the kidney stones fall under? Like “This Week in…”
Casey:
Well the Flomax specifically would probably be “This Week in Medicine.”
Jeff:
Okay okay, medicine.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I like that.
Casey:
That’s what I would probably call that. “This Week in Medicine.”
Jeff:
That sounds like official.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Alright, sorry. Go ahead.
Casey:
For this week in pornography, I first wanted to talk about something that I… I am going to bring something to the table, if you will.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And then I have a sort of a news item to discuss. But the thing that I wanted to bring to the table was… Previously on the podcast, many episodes ago, we talked about penis pills. How they have like advertisements and spam and shit
Jeff:
Oh right right.
Casey:
that you’re getting for like, oh, “Huge Cock”.
Jeff:
Right. And how do they stay on the air and all that.
Casey:
Satisfy her with your gigantic cock, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So what I am always wondering is why, you know, the thing we brought up on that point was like, by the time the cock comes out
Jeff:
You’re done.
Casey:
you’re already getting naked with he, right, and what are you concerned about exactly at that point? Most guys are like, “Oh, we’re gonna have sex, and my cock won’t be big enough, so she won’t want to have sex with me again, or something.”? WHAT GUY WANTS TO HAVE SEX AGAIN when you’re in that situation, right? Most guys are like, “Yeah, that was it, I’m trying to get rid of her now, you know. It was one night only, kind of a thing, right
Jeff:
Right, move on.
Casey:
Right, yeah. So somehow, we’re in a situation where you’re worried about having sex with this person multiple times, right, so you wanna be in a meaningful, long-term relationship with someone, and you’ve determined that the best thing to do there is to have a gigantic cock.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
You’re like, that is gonna be the foundation
Jeff:
For a healthy relationship
Casey:
Yeah, I have no idea what the deal is with that, right.
Jeff:
Mmhm.
Casey:
At the time, when I was saying this.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I have since, I think, figured out what the problem is, and it is not a misconception. Mis-Conception, if you will, on anyone’s behalf. It is simply necessity being the mother of invention, in some sense.
Jeff:
Alright, tell me.
Casey:
Here is the problem.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
The problem is the plausibility factor, as I call it.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or am calling it now.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or will call it in the future.
Jeff:
You just made it up.
Casey:
I just made it up.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I completely fucking made that up just now, so when I say “I call it the plausibility factor,” what I meant is, “I just called it that.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. So, for females, right.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Normally, guys will be attracted to females if they are good-looking.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Now, there’s obviously plenty of deal breakers there, right. I’ve had this discussion with people before where I’m like, “Sometimes if a girl’s voice is hard to listen to, I don’t care how good-looking she is. Just does not matter. She could be the most gorgeous woman in the world. I cannot handle it. Like, it’s like, it just fucking does not work for me.”
Jeff:
Put a sock in it.
Casey:
It’s just like “Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Just shut up. Oh my God, please stop talking,” right. It’s just painful to listen to, right.
Jeff:
Retrograde vocalization.
Casey:
Oh, totally, it’s horrible. Yeah yeah yeah, and it doesn’t matter what they’re saying, it’s the voice. It’s like pain. Anyway, so, but no. In this case, most of the time, just in general, if you’re an attractive person, then you’re going to attract males. If you are physically attractive, right?
Jeff:
Yep. We have
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
We have very low standards in that regard. Aside from things like
Casey:
Males.
Jeff:
Yes, males do. Right. Aside from random, weird things like voices or some people have one little weird thing
Casey:
Oh, sure. Oh, no there’s like,
Jeff:
It’s like, really, if it’s got a pulse, and sometimes not, but if it’s
Casey:
Speaking of weird things…
Jeff:
Yeah, if it’s
Casey:
“This Week in Necrophilia”
Jeff:
Right, yeah. We’re fine.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’ve got us.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
If you accept us, we’re there.
Casey:
I am, yeah. I am not trying to make any kind of general judgment about individual guys or their preferences.
Jeff:
Uh huh. I am.
Casey:
I am simply saying in general, males are pretty easy to figure out that way.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s not that complicated. Okay.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So therefore, it’s pretty easy for the people who want to sell women things, to figure out plausible ways that they can convince them that something that they’re selling is going to help, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because it’s your physical appearance that is what the attraction is going to be based on.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I can sell you shit like hair products or pills that might make you thinner, or whatever the fuck, right. It’s like, all of these things
Jeff:
Breast enlargements, whatever you want, no matter how bad or painful, women will pay for it.
Casey:
But what I’m saying is they’re plausible, okay.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s plausible that if a guy is attracted to red hair, that dying your hair red will help, okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s plausible to you and the sales pitch doesn’t have to be that far-fetched, okay.
Jeff:
Yes. Sure.
Casey:
Now, the problem is, with guys, it’s a pretty well-known fact that there’s kind of weird attractive shit that goes on. Why is Billy Joel getting hot girlfriends, okay, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It would be very difficult for you to make any kind of sales pitch that’s like, “Check it out! We can sell you this thing that makes you a famous singer.”?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or like, I don’t know, right? Because famous female performers are also hot, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not the fact that they’re famous.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s that they’re famous because they were hot usually, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it’s like with guys, it’s like Aaron Neville, what the hell’s going on there, right? It’s like, who knows, right? This shit is just fucked up, okay.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So the problem is, they have to try and find something that they can say, there’s going to be a pill that will help, right. But what is it going to be? A pill that makes you sing better?!
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So the only thing they’ve got is cock. It is a well-known fact that people go around talking about how like, Oh man huge cock, right, or whatever.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is
Casey:
That’s the only physiological trait they’ve identified!
Jeff:
And also, it’s not something you can verify, so the guy at home goes, “Billy Joel, he must be hung like a horse!”
Casey:
Right, yeah. Exactly.
Jeff:
“He must be!”
Casey:
Totally.
Jeff:
That’s the only thing I can imagine because he looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He’s pastier
Casey:
No, that’s the… I had this epiphany. They needed a physiological thing to sell, and cock was the only thing that had any conventional wisdom behind it. Baldness? They’ve been trying that one for a long fucking time. The problem is, everyone shaves their goddamn head now.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So even baldness is no longer not hot. Baldness became sexy. And so the people who were trying to sell male image, you know, like enhancements in all its forms products, are getting narrowed down to just cocks. That’s all they’ve got left!
Jeff:
No, this is awesome, though, because
Casey:
They don’t have anything left to sell!
Jeff:
We could experiment with this and sell our own imaginary things.
Casey:
We could. Yeah
Jeff:
Like, anything you can’t verify in another guy, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So like, Prosta-Gro. It’s like, “No, dude. What are you talking about? Do you have a normal sized prostate? Mine’s fucking huge. Yeah, I can’t even sit down without a pillow.”
Casey:
Uh huh.
Jeff:
“That’s how huge mine is.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Or like, yeah, The Huge Balls-Gro. Yeah, we don’t do anything with the cock.
Casey:
Yep. Balls Mmm Mmm Large. Balls N’ Large.
Jeff:
Yeah, we just make your balls freaking huge.
Casey:
Gigantic King Kong Balls, as they say.
Jeff:
Right, you’ll love it. It’s gonna be awesome. Girls love it.
Casey:
They love it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They can’t get enough of those giant balls.
Jeff:
Giant balls and prostate. And if you have all three, holy shit, you’re in there like swimwear.
Casey:
Awesome. Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh my God.
Casey:
Totally.
Jeff:
Alright, no, well…
Casey:
That’s my theory.
Jeff:
I like the theory.
Casey:
So my theory is that basically if these companies wanted to get more serious about trying to sell us stuff, what they need to do is find some physiological thing, right, like whatever, like you were saying. Giant prostate. And then try to push that out, right. What they need to stop having is lots and lots of different men.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Getting lots of women who are wealthy, basically, right, because it really reinforces the notion that the fattest, ugliest, oldest, nastiest dude can get all kinds of women
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That reinforcement is the problem for them because guys are, you know, not stupid enough is the problem. They’re gonna look and go, “Wait, but seriously, check it out. It doesn’t matter. It’s not that. It’s the money.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You know, or whatever, right.
Jeff:
You have to have some excuse that you can’t…. There’s no way to really back up
Casey:
Yeah, you’ve gotta get rid of all of these obvious examples that the shit that you’re trying to push, like you know, the Hair Club for Men.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It ain’t the problem.
Jeff:
Well all you need to do is like diamonds, you need to have an advertising campaign that is built around that.
Casey:
Yeah, yes. That’s convincing, yes.
Jeff:
Yes, he might be rich, but he also has huge balls.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like, “He is rich because he has huge balls.”
Jeff:
That’s right. He places them on the table,
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
and the money slides towards him.
Casey:
Thanks Prosta-Gro! So yeah, that’s my theory.
Jeff:
Well, I like that theory.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It actually ties into the other story I think, right?
Casey:
Well, only because I mentioned Billy Joel.
Jeff:
Yeah. I was gonna say, I was on to your segwey.
Casey:
Only because I mentioned Billy Joel. That wasn’t actually intentional. That was just because Billy Joel’s kind of the most common dude who’s like dated lots of models and is not the best-looking fellow on the block. You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
If Pete, what’s his name? Pete Doherty can get Kate Moss
Casey:
I don’t know who the fuck Pete Doherty is, Brody Jenner?
Jeff:
He’s basically 99%, no he’s the lead singer of Baby Shambles, and
Casey:
What?! That was like, you attempted to expand on my question by just adding another question.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
What the fuck is a Baby Shambles?
Jeff:
It’s a band. It’s a good band.
Casey:
[sings] Baby Shambles.
Jeff:
You’d probably actually like them.
Casey:
[sings] Welcome to the Shambles.
Jeff:
He’s 99%, maybe 98% heroin and cocaine.
Casey:
Okay. So he’s just like, he’s Kid Rock. He’s running entirely on stimulants.
Jeff:
No, I think he’s actually… He’s not running on stimulants, he actually is
Casey:
He’s composed of
Jeff:
Yeah
Casey:
His body has found a way to use that as a fundamental… It’s like, “It’s not carbon
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
no carbon, fuck that.”
Jeff:
No, he
Casey:
He’s entirely synthetic drugs.
Jeff:
He is impervious. He is the Super Man, right. Like, he could snort Keith Richards and be fine. No problem. He’s like, “It’s doing nothing for me.” Right. So yeah, he’s impossible. Yeah, he was with Kate Moss for a long time.
Casey:
I don’t really remember Kate Moss. I mean, I’ve heard the name obviously. She was like super skinny, though, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, she’s skinny.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Doesn’t do it for you?
Casey:
Nah.
Jeff:
Well
Casey:
That’s the baking problem again.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Gotta have some
Jeff:
She’s not eating anything. She’s not making me shit.
Casey:
She obviously hasn’t been well-fed, and that’s not gonna go over well.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay, let’s move on, though, because this is not that segment.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Baking fantasies is a separate segment, so we’re gonna have to deal with that later.
Jeff:
We’ll come back to that.
Casey:
What we’re talking about here is Christie Brinkley. More specifically Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband. Recently divorced husband.
Jeff:
Her uptown man.
Casey:
Yes. Now apparently, according to, well, you know… She had all the money apparently, and he’s just some loser is basically what it boils down to.
Jeff:
Oh really, is that true? I thought he had money too.
Casey:
No, apparently like he had money largely because he had her wealthy friends use his architecting business.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Like, he was just like, maybe he was like reasonably well off, but he was not like no.
Jeff:
Okay. I see.
Casey:
He got a lot of her money basically in this divorce, was kind of what it sounded like, but I don’t know.
Jeff:
Alright, he had
Casey:
You’re the tabloid guy, how do you not know this shit?!
Jeff:
He has medium sized balls, not full balls.
Casey:
No he does not have the large balls.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But she’s like fifty-one, okay. I mean, or something. It’s Christie Brinkley, but, I mean, at some level, okay, getting old.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
She still looks pretty good.
Casey:
Anyway
Jeff:
She’s no Tempest Storm, but
Casey:
No, when she’s eighty, yeah, I’d like to see her do it classy.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
You know? That’s not easy to do.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Quote unquote classy. So what this said was that part of the divorce proceedings or whatever, I guess they were talking about the fact that her ex husband spent roughly 1,800 pounds sterling, right. So like $3,500 or something like that
Jeff:
Alright
Casey:
a month
Jeff:
Whoa, a month!
Casey:
on porn.
Jeff:
Holy shit.
Casey:
Now, not just porn, but internet porn.
Jeff:
Holy shit.
Casey:
You following me?
Jeff:
How the hell do you do that?
Casey:
Okay, so here’s my thing. This is why this caught my eye. This was like front page news by the way. That’s where we’re at in America.
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m stunned.
Casey:
Yeah, this was on the front page. Now,
Jeff:
Yeah, underneath that is like, “Dozens Killed in Afghanistan”
Casey:
No, underneath that is like, “Fed assumes control of Indymac Bank” right? It was like “1,800 Dollars a Month in Porn” and then “Indymac is Alright.” Now, it’s hard to point fingers because we never talk about the financial state of the wellness podcast
Jeff:
It’s true.
Casey:
Instead we talk about eighty-year-old women who get stuck under cars.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Ninety-one-year-old women. I got them conflated.
Jeff:
We are bringing life to our listeners.
Casey:
That said, we’re a comedy show.
Jeff:
Well no.
Casey:
It’s a fucking comedy show.
Jeff:
It’s not comedy, it’s like, in these trying times, we are a solve to the nation.
Casey:
We’re healing the wound.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. Anyway, what I’m thinking about 1,800 pounds sterling, 3,500 dollars a month in porn expenses, internet porn expenses… So I have no problem with porn. Porn’s great. How the fuck do you spend 3,500 dollars a month, okay?
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
At about 100 dollars a month in porn, I’d have to go like, “What else can I buy?” I’d have to figure out new fetishes to indulge. Like, I’d have to develop new fetishes to break into the thousand, thousands of dollars a month.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s hard to. It would be hard to spend 3,500 dollars in cover charges if you went to the strip club.
Casey:
How is that possible?! You don’t have time. How could you do it, right? Now Elliot Spitzer is sitting around going, “3,500 dollars a month?! Fuck, I do 3,500 a day,” but he has a reason.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
He had an actual female, right. That’s gotta run you a little more. On the internet?! WHAT THE FUCK SITE ARE YOU GOING TO?!
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I mean, because either A, he has got himself hooked on some really expensive porn sites, and I have to wonder what’s so great about them that they’re that expensive.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because porn is fucking cheap, I got news for you, pal, right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But the other thing I’m wondering is, maybe it’s the cheap stuff. Maybe he actually somehow subscribed to 350 porn sites in a month or something.
Jeff:
And then just went to town.
Casey:
and was just like, “I got it. Variety is the spice of life, bitch.” You know, or whatever.
Jeff:
Maybe he had like
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
Maybe he had cookies turned off, and he kept subscribing to
Casey:
Oh he kept repurchasing it, as if it were a billing mistake.
Jeff:
And he’s like, “Wow. Huh, man.” He didn’t know. They like asked for his name and user password, and he typed it in again.
Casey:
And he’s like, “Alright, woo hoo!” Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. Wow.
Casey:
I have no idea. What I do know is that this is the first time that I like felt a little bit better about the FISA wire tapping thing, which I still feel absolutely horrid about. It’s just like maybe someday, some record will be on Earth, somewhere that shows what sites he was at.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So we can actually go find out how you do that. Because in my head, it was like Brewster’s Millions. Do you remember that movie from like 1980 or whatever
Jeff:
Totally. Where you have to spend the money
Casey:
Right right. It’s like the dude’s, you know, relative… A strange relative dies, and he’s super wealthy. And he leaves him in his will the challenge that’s like, “If you can spend X amount of dollars
Jeff:
On porn.
Casey:
in a certain amount of time, then you get this huge inheritance. Otherwise you get nothing.”
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
Right? That’s what I felt like. I was like, “ If I was in that situation. If someone died in my arms, and they were like you have to spend 3,500 dollars this month on porn, and you get 350,000 dollars worth of porn, or you get nothing.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’d be like, “FUCK!” I’d be scrambling, right. I’d be like at the computer 24/7, like “I’M OUT OF SITES! I DON’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO!” I could call in friends, like friends who I think might have fucked up fetishes going, “Dude, what’s your favorite porn site?. . . No I already hit that one. Come on, give me something else. Help me out here! I’m dying. There’s only twelve hours left, and I’m only at 2,500 dollars!”
Jeff:
I have no idea. Maybe he did like the custom web chat things where it’s like
Casey:
But how much money is that? I mean, is it really that much money?
Jeff:
I assume it’s indefinite. He’s like, “Take your clothes off.” She goes, “Fifty bucks.”
Casey:
Oh you mean they have ones where you can actually
Jeff:
Well they IM, right?
Casey:
Ohhhh.
Jeff:
But I have no idea, like that… That’s crazy.
Casey:
Because I assumed that shit would still be like a flat fee. I mean, the bottom line is he had a job.
Jeff:
Yeah
Casey:
He had a wife. He couldn’t be on the computer the whole time doing
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
So this was like a little hour block or something every night
Jeff:
Maybe he had it on his iPhone, and every time he like looked down, he’s like “doot doot doot”
Casey:
He’s like, “bloop”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Fifty bucks.
Jeff:
Well, even then, it’s like,
Casey:
Hit me up, fifty bucks.
Jeff:
At some point you’re like, done for the weekend.
Casey:
Apparently not.
Jeff:
You’re just like
Casey:
Apparently not, Jeff.
Jeff:
Wow. Because there’s gonna be a point. It’s like the dry heaves. When you’ve thrown up so much, there’s nothing more you can do
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
You’re gonna get to a point, where you’re just like, “No, I got nothin’. Like, I couldn’t be interested less.”
Casey:
Well the other thing that I wanna know is, is it some kind of like, was in never recyclable? Like, at some point
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
After I’ve bought a thousand dollars worth of porn, I should hope that I could back to like the first thing I bought, and it would be a little bit fresh by now.
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
But apparently every month, 3,500 dollars. He can’t go back to like January, “I fucked the shit out of January. That’s done. January’s old goddamn news at this point, right. We’re on to February now. Live in the NOW, okay?”
Jeff:
Wait, maybe he’s like the rain man of porn
Casey:
What does that mean?
Jeff:
It means if you show him any picture, he’s like, “That’s definitely November, 2005. Definitely 2005.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
He’s just got it all.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Aw man. Alright.
Jeff:
That’s impressive. I have no idea how you pull off 3,500 dollars.
Casey:
I have no idea either.
Jeff:
Pull off.
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
As it were.
Casey:
How do you pull off to 3,500 dollars a month?
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Yeah
Jeff:
That’s amazing. Impressive.
Casey:
Amazing. Yeah, well, puts me to shame. I’ve got a lot to learn about porn surfing.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Well, I know what you can do for a job now. Fuck architecture. Teach a class. I don’t know how you’re surfing like that.
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
I mean that’s impressive. He’s got the hookup. He should start a mailing list. That’s basically what I got out of that.
Jeff:
Or those guys that have those late night TV shows, where they’re like, “We should show you how to make a site that does so much business.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“Let me show you how you can get someone to spend 3,500 dollars, yeah.”
Casey:
Okay. It is time for certainly what is always the most stressful segment of any podcast because it affects our daily lives.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Almost from, you know, dusk ‘til dawn if you will.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And that is of course, “This Week in Microsoft.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
The people who run our lives, as unfortunate as that may be.
Jeff:
Yes, yes.
Casey:
We had a real treat this week, Jeff. Now you found this treat, so why don’t you… You can give a little bit of a heads up. I have a quote here I want to read from the treat that you sent me.
Jeff:
The awesome… It’s just this thing where Microsoft has announced that they’re gonna be spending 300-500 million dollars on advertising
Casey:
Wow. Okay.
Jeff:
Vista, and specifically trying to change the tone of the conversation of Vista, which as most of our discussions of Vista has not been very good.
Casey:
No. I would not say that we have been pro-Vista in this podcast, certainly.
Jeff:
Right, right. And I actually, I’m forced to use their products all day long, and I use a lot of other products and for the most part, they’re not bad.
Casey:
Right
Jeff:
Vista is just bad. This is not me just saying, not me being a curmudgeon. This has problems. But they want to change the conversation because it’s not… This isn’t good.
Casey:
Well yeah, in their mind, what happened was not that they shipped a shitty product and people aren’t buying it because it’s shitty. In their mind, it was a conversational issue apparently.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, “We were not having the appropriate dialogue that would have led us to realize that it was something that we should purchase.”
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
“Product is crap” would’ve been my assessment. “Dialogue is bad” is theirs apparently.
Jeff:
Right. So they wanted to change it from, “This product is crap.” To like, “ Perhaps you could use some fertilizer.”
Casey:
Right. It’s like, “There are so many ways that crap helps the world”, right.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
“It’s part of the cycle of life, as are we. Vista.”
Jeff:
“If your computer crashes all the time, it’s less likely to become infected with a virus.”
Casey:
Perfect.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“The fact that less people are running Vista, means less hackers are targeting it.”
Jeff:
Yeah, exactly.
Casey:
Perfect.
Jeff:
This is exactly the kind of tone
Casey:
These are the kinds conversations they should be having. Okay, well you sent me this article about that, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I don’t know who this Brooks fellow is. They were talking about some guy.
Jeff:
What’s his name?
Casey:
I don’t know, somebody Brooks. I don’t know who the fuck he is.
Jeff:
Garth?
Casey:
I don’t… He was giving like a press conference on Vista, he must be a very important person there. I mean this wasn’t just some podunk dude, you know, and he was speaking at some major conference of theirs, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I mean, in the old days of Microsoft, they pretended to try and hire intelligent people. I mean there were smart people working at Microsoft, you know.
Jeff:
Mhm.
Casey:
Most people I knew there were very smart people. Now this guy, I mean, he set a new level of ridiculousness with the things he said.
Jeff:
It was almost Bushian.
Casey:
Yeah, he could easily have given George W. Bush a run for his money.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
But he, I’m just going to read you this one quote from the article.
Jeff:
Read it.
Casey:
It is amazing. He said, “You thought the sleeping giant was still sleeping. Well, we woke it up, and it’s time to take our message forward,” Brooks said. “We’ve faced these challenges before, and we’re going to solve them again. There’s a conversation going on in the marketplace today, and it’s just plain awful. We’ve got to get back on the front foot.”
Jeff:
Man.
Casey:
Now this is startling to me because no two portions of even a single sentence in this quote follow the same metaphor, right. First we’re a giant, then we’re taking our message forward. Then we’re facing challenges and solving challenges?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t even know what solving a challenge is, right.
Jeff:
Well, most of those things sound like they’re going to be metaphors that like
Casey:
And then they’re not.
Jeff:
Or they’re like, what do you call something… a phrase that you’ve heard many a
Casey:
Oh, like, idiomatic?
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
But they’re not, they’re like he’s almost making them up.
Casey:
Yeah. We’ve got to get back on the front foot.
Jeff:
Front foot, what does that even mean?
Casey:
Right, we’re solving challenges, we’re going forward, we’re on the front foot apparently, right, and what I thought of when I read this was I was like, “Okay, now they went from hiring intelligent people to, they’ve got what is basically like the stupidest baseball player on the team, who they go up and interview after the game, and he just says this shit that doesn’t make any sense.” He’s like, “Well, we tried to control the pace. You know, we weren’t playing our game, you know, we’re just taking it one day at a time.” It’s like, that’s what they’ve got. Their press guy is a fucking retarded baseball player. He can’t put two sentences together. What’s going on?!
Jeff:
Well, I felt like it was marketing adlibs, where he like grabs stuff off the fridge
Casey:
Yeah totally, he’s putting them together.
Jeff:
It just does not make any sense.
Casey:
But that’s what a baseball player does. A baseball player, they’re not eloquent, most of them, right, I mean… Yogi Berra, or whatever, right? But most of them, they’re getting interviewed. Their training is not impressed.
Jeff:
Nope. He was famous for not being eloquent, right?
Casey:
Right. Okay, well that’s true. They were throwing things together, right to just not try and sound ridiculous. They were just throwing phrases together. That’s just what this guy is doing. He’s not throwing together the same phrases
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
but he’s throwing together phrases all just the same.
Jeff:
It’s like he wasn’t prepared, he’s coked up, and he’s just go, and he just starts going.
Casey:
No, he’s just stupid. He’s just a guy, and he got up there, and he’s like, “I don’t know what to say, so he’s like, ‘Uh yeah, we’re taking it forward, taking the message forward. The giant’s wakin’ up, you know what I’m saying?’” And then the person’s like, “Uh, yeah, Apple was pitching a really good game today; do you think that was tough for you?” And they push him back, and he’s like, “Well you know, we’re just taking it one operating system at a time.” Like, that’s what it was.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Now, but that’s a minor point, I think, to some degree, compared with the fact that his lead-off metaphor, the sleeping giant, right.
Jeff:
I love the sleeping giant.
Casey:
He’s like, “You thought the sleeping giant was still sleeping, well we woke it up.”
Jeff:
Yep
Casey:
Right? That’s what he said, okay. “We woke it up.” He’s starting off the speech with this to get you energized, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And I wanna know, where did he get the idea that a sleeping giant, waking up is positive?
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Okay. What the fuck fairy tale book did this guy read? Where he was like,
Jeff:
Where the giant wins.
Casey:
Where the giant’s like… The people of the village were like, goddamn the giant’s sleeping. If only it would wake up and fix all the problems, right. It’s like, “NO! People are terrified of giants! They usually have an IQ of like 25. They’re massive. They don’t know what they’re stepping on.”
Jeff:
They’re stepping on shit.
Casey:
They crush everything. They’re lumbering around, head in the clouds, no idea what’s going on, crushing everything, and the villagers are trying to kill it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re trying to kill the giant, and when someone finally does kill a giant, they’re a hero, and the villagers rejoice. THAT’S WHAT HE LED OFF WITH! This guy is a fucking moron.
Jeff:
Well, that’s because Microsoft wants… They want the story to be like Jack in the Beanstalk soup.
Casey:
Reversed.
Jeff:
No, soup, right? Like, in their mind, that’s how it is. Jack and the Beanstalk, both get put in a big pot, and the giant wins.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In our story, the giant always wins.
Casey:
Oh, I just don’t understand, I mean, it’s like… It’s just really, really, really ridiculous.
Jeff:
So here’s what’s awesome about that. I read that article earlier this week, and then I forgot to send it to you, and I was like, “Ahh I gotta rush to send this.” And I searched for, because I remembered that awesome little starting thing. I searched for ‘Microsoft sleeping giant’, okay.
Casey:
So you were just letting Google try it. Now the best part is that if you had searched on Microsoft Live, you probably would have gotten no hits because it doesn’t fucking work, but you probably searched on a real search engine, and you got some hits.
Jeff:
So here’s the awesome thing. This isn’t the first time they’ve invoked that. In 2006, Steve Ballmer said the same fucking thing! He said, “We need to wake the sleeping giant.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
They’ve done it twice! Right.
Casey:
Yes. It’s like the gimp. It’s like, “I think the gimp’s sleeping, well we better go wake him up.”
Jeff:
Well, let’s just look at this, like, “Hey Microsoft, your giant fucking sucks. At least two times that we know about he’s fallen asleep!”
Casey:
It’s narcoleptic. It’s narcoleptic. It’s falling asleep a lot.
Jeff:
Okay, like, you’re Microsoft, we hire a giant, right, from Volt probably, right?
Casey:
He’s on contract.
Jeff:
Right, he’s a temp worker. Your giant keeps falling fucking asleep, right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
What the fuck, you got a shitty giant.
Casey:
Narcoleptic, it’s a narcoleptic giant.
Jeff:
Why don’t they fire this giant?!
Casey:
Well, I guess I do have… There’s a reason why they probably won’t fire the giant.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which is that they don’t fire people at Microsoft hardly ever. Like, you have to like embezzle money or shit to get fired from Microsoft.
Jeff:
Oh you’re talking, I see.
Casey:
You’ll get a negative performance review. Like, the giant probably didn’t get fives, right. The giant was getting ones.
Jeff:
Well, that’s so weird. 1-5 thing.
Casey:
Well, for the benefit of the people who don’t know how Microsoft does their performance reviews, or did their performance reviews, I don’t know. They probably just have a stamp that’s like, “Good job!” now that they do or something. I don’t know. Anyway
Jeff:
I got an alligator!
Casey:
Oh yeah, I got an alligator; I’m not sure what that means. Stock ain’t worth shit, so I guess I don’t care, but at the end of the day, yeah. So what they do is, managers at least, or were supposed to assign their reports a number between 1 an 5 that was like how good you did. So like, 5 being the best and 1 being the worst or whatever. And the idea was that you are not allowed to give out arbitrary ratings. You have to give out a specific number of each, so it’s less of a ‘1-5 how well did you do?’, as a ‘Rank your reports in order of who you most want to keep, to who you care the least about keeping.’ Right.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So, you know, the question that comes up a lot is like, “Okay, well what if everyone’s really good, and I want to keep them all?” and they’re like, “No no. The idea behind this performance review, right, is like, ‘You’re on a sinking ship, and you have a row boat, and it’s like, who do you take in the boat, and who, you know, I guess the implication is that you let people fucking drown, I don’t know. Like, I guess, so, yeah. You let them drown.’ Good, good. Another good metaphor for Microsoft there… Coming out, swinging, right? Actually now that I think about it, though the giant would
Jeff:
The giant in the rowboat.
Casey:
Oh yeah, it’s like the worst thing for a rowboat, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, the instant he tries to step into the rowboat, it just splinters and sinks, right. And him with it.
Jeff:
No, he steps in it, and it goes right to the water level, so no one else can get in the boat.
Casey:
It’s perfect. So the giant, he should probably get a 1 for that, but even if you’re like, no, he’s a giant, he might be able to paddle really well or something, like whatever you’re mentally thinking right here, you know. I mean, I don’t know, even if for some reason you thought, “Oh, let’s have the giant, HE FALLS ASLEEP!”
Jeff:
Right
Casey:
So you’d have like this giant in the rowboat, who’s just sitting there, sleeping, so now you have to paddle the weight of a giant down the fucking river to get away from your sinking boat!” Like what the fuck?! I have no idea. Microsoft has lost it. They have fucking lost it.
Jeff:
Oh my God.
Casey:
I do not understand what is going on at that company. God damn it.
Jeff:
Them and the giant. Oh my God.
Casey:
Absolutely terrible.
Site design and technology © Copyright 2005-2014 by Molly Rocket, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
Contents are assumed to be copyright by their individual authors.
Do not duplicate without their express permission.
casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 22
prev
next
mollyrocket.com