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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Intoxicating Scent of Flour
"I just beat a hooker to death with a baseball bat. Go blow yourself!"
Original air date: July 6th, 2008
Topics. Worthless Tony awards. Countdown mistake. Spring Awakenings. Cable problem. Flying first class. Jeff’s NYC trip. Optional TSA. Chinese/Italian garbage juice. Poor fetish movie choices. Times Square. The Japanese glass case and the American bakery. FAO Schwartz. Falling. Airport uniforms. Instrument boarding. Sidewalk people. Teddy bear entourage. The ASSpect ratio.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show. How are you doing?
Jeff:
I’m doing good. It’s…
Casey:
I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the listeners.
Jeff:
It’s June 27th…
Casey:
Is it June 27th?
Jeff:
It’s about 9 o’clock.
Casey:
Alright. Wow, it’s getting late.
Jeff:
It’s getting late.
Casey:
What the hell are we gonna have for dinner? We’re not gonna have any dinner, are we? We’re gonna go without dinner?
Jeff:
It’s hot. We’re still steaming.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, do you want to talk about your little mistake you just made there where you counted down?
Casey:
I did. I got too into… So what happens is we need 5 seconds of silence before we start the podcast so that I can use that 5 seconds in the audio editing program to remove the noise.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it’s just recording the ambient noise of the room so that the EQ will filter that out as if we have any fucking… As if that’s the problem…
Jeff:
Right. Exactly.
Casey:
Like, the big problem is too much noi--… No. That’s not the problem. The problem is the fucking mics don’t work half the time, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It turned out to be a bad cable.
Jeff:
Yep, unbelievably.
Casey:
Which we actually solved in the last podcast, hopefully. We’ll cross our fingers that when it comes out, it’s actually correct.
Jeff:
We’re gonna have to get those Denon…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Denon cables.
Casey:
Yeah. Right. We need the $500 cable.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anyway, so count down 5 seconds on my hand. And usually, what I do is I count it down so that the last finger is the middle finger so I can flip Jeff off to start the podcast, right.
Jeff:
I get flipped off every time. Yeah.
Casey:
But unfortunately, this time, I got too… The thing that became important in my mind was flipping Jeff off and not the silence so I was counting it down like, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1,” there goes the finger. I’m like, “Oh, shit. There was no silence at all during the…” But then, I got to give him the finger a second time in silence. So it ended up being good all the way around, really.
Jeff:
It also meant it was like a semantic noise reducer. So, like, anytime we said “we go to the store”, it’d be “we go… store”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
But now, we’re running.
Casey:
Now we’re on fire.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’re ready to rock.
Jeff:
Our cables our working.
Casey:
Well, we hope.
Jeff:
They’re extended.
Casey:
Maybe they are.
Jeff:
They’re ready to be plugged in.
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Jeff is covering his private parts with a miniature daschund right now.
Jeff:
Yep, it’s all good.
Casey:
So, what we did not get a chance to cover on the previous podcast…
Jeff:
We have a list of things…
Casey:
Actually…
Jeff:
We’ve got…
Casey:
No, I’m wondering specifically…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You just got back to New York.
Jeff:
Yeah, I went to New York.
Casey:
And you did not talk about it. You came back from New York and we had to talk about Bill Gates on the last podcast…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
We didn’t have a chance because… By popular demand, we did not have just… Surprisingly enough, no one emailed in and said, “Oh, Jeff. How was New York?”
Jeff:
“How was New York?”
Casey:
No one said that. No one said that.
Jeff:
Yeah, you fuckers. You knew I was going…
Casey:
I’m saying that now.
Jeff:
And no one emailed to ask about it.
Casey:
Yeah. No one cared. No one gave a flying fuck. So since we know that no one cared…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m gonna go ahead and ask. How was New York?
Jeff:
New York was okay. It was super hot…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Really hot but weird…
Casey:
Yeah, that’s true. So the garbage in the streets was even stinkier as you walked…
Jeff:
It was…
Casey:
Did you get to walk by… ‘Cos in Chinatown, there’s actually that juice, that garbage juice…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That runs off the garbage… Did you get that?
Jeff:
Both in Little Italy and… They both have that…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Yep, Little Italy. Yep. The garbage juice…
Jeff:
Yeah. But no, we didn’t get down there this time…
Casey:
What is it with these ethnicities and their juice from their garbage, huh?
Jeff:
Yeah, juice.
Casey:
Keep going.
Jeff:
Anyway, yeah. I stayed at Times Square so I was among the insanity.
Casey:
Whoa, you got a hotel in Times Square?
Jeff:
I always do. It’s just like, it’s the default thing at Expedia…
Casey:
Yeah. You’re like, “I can’t seem to get a hooker anymore. I used to have no problem but I don’t know what’s going on. Place got cleaned up.”
Jeff:
That’s interesting.
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Times Square…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now that Giuliani… It was part of his cleaning up New York thing…
Casey:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right.
Jeff:
Times Square now is all billboards, all big LCD billboards…
Casey:
Yes, it is.
Jeff:
More than you’ve ever seen. Way more than even the pictures you see of Tokyo. Literally, there is not a surface of… Any flat surface bigger than 5 feet has a big one.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re doing a new one that’s across, like, an 80-storey building. It’s gonna go all the way to the top.
Casey:
It looks to me… Times Square does look to me like they were just like, “Okay, just do Japan. Make it look like Japan.” And they did, right? It’s like, massive light display everywhere.
Jeff:
And it’s packed.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
At 3 in the morning, it’s packed wall to wall. The thing is, now that they’ve gotten rid of all the sex…
Casey:
Worker?
Jeff:
Shops, workers, everything…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s nothing left. There’s a few… Like…
Casey:
Just video walls. They’ve got video walls.
Jeff:
There are thousands of people…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Taking pictures…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Of thousands of people taking pictures of them and the video ads.
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
They’re taking pictures of ads. That’s all there is there.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
It’s like Vegas only there’s nothing to do, right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, there’s a few retail shops…
Casey:
And no one to do…
Jeff:
There’s a few retail shops. It’s like a really shitty outdoor mall…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
With sensory overload. It’s the worst. I don’t understand why that was even a thing anymore.
Casey:
But you have to go there to go to the shows. Broadway is off of Times Square, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, well…
Casey:
So that’s kind of…
Jeff:
But it’s on the west side of the island from there…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You can avoid it if you want.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But it’s just… There’s not that many people out going to the shows. They’re all out at Times Square taking pictures of themselves and each other. It’s ridiculous.
Casey:
Well, they copied that part of the Japanese thing [ then again. ]
Jeff:
They’re not even taking pictures of themselves in the scene. They’re just taking pictures of people…
Casey:
Pictures of the scene?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like, “Hey, guess what, if you go on Flickr right now and typed in “Times Square” all the pictures you’re taking already exist.
Jeff:
I’m just like, “This is so retarded.” And it’s just packed. And I don’t understand even why it’s a destination anymore. It’s like, “Yeah, I went to Times Square and there was an Olive Garden.” You’re like…
Casey:
Right, right…
Jeff:
“What? Why…”
Casey:
No… But, no, no, no… Not just an Olive Garden. Like, the flagship Olive Garden, right?
Jeff:
The world’s largest…
Casey:
Like, the breadsticks are 3 feet long or something, right? Like, they… And the giant goddamned olive.
Jeff:
The Virgin store has… You know what, our Virgin store is so big we have 5 copies (not 4) of Britney Spears.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
It’s like…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
“It’s the same thing as your normal…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You went to New York to go to an outdoor mall that’s more expensive than your local mall…
Casey:
With the same selection.
Jeff:
And be inundated with ads for other shit you don’t need.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And a lot of the ads are New York local so they don’t even…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Oh, hey. We’re New York Sewer. We’re doing you right.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “You are? Because no one here’s from New York.” It’s just… Ugh…
Casey:
You know who I feel bad for on the Times Square front? Is FAO Schwarz, right, because talk about a store who, like, is just standing on the sidewalk as history rolls by in a car that just flashes the puddle on them, right? It’s like, they’re like, “There’s a giant bear and airplanes,” right, and the kid, like, looks up from his PSP. He’s like, “I just beat a hooker up with a baseball bat.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He’s like, “Go blow yourself,” right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like, there’s no place for you… Your store is useless, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
We have so gone past you in entertainment, in children’s entertainment. You don’t even fucking understand.
Jeff:
A 5-year old walks by and goes, “Man, that’s gay.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, right. He doesn’t give a shit about that. He’s like, “Where’s the video games?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Do the bears fuck each other?” “No, little Johnny, they don’t.” Oh… But anyway, yeah, it’s…
Casey:
The bear’s got no cred…
Jeff:
No, not at all.
Casey:
It’s got no street cred.
Jeff:
It’s just insane. Yeah, it’s bizarre now…
Casey:
Yeah. What they need to do… Actually, I just realized this. I did not think about that. What you’re kind of saying makes some sense, right. Like, they need, like, 50 Cent to, like, shop very visibly at FAO Scwarz of something, right.
Jeff:
Oh, to make it cool again…
Casey:
Like, it’s cool again, right? It’s like, “Yo, yeah. I got me a giant-sized keyboard that I dance on,” right? “I’ve got my Tom Hanks on,” you know? They need to start doing that shit because otherwise, I don’t know what they’re gonna do. They already filed for bankruptcy once.
Jeff:
I got my bear on.
Casey:
I got my bear on. Like, these people would just be walking, like… He’ll walk into a club and there’s dudes behind him carrying a giant, like, 50-foot stuffed bear…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In the club… He’s like, “Yeah, that’s my security blanket.”
Jeff:
With like…
Casey:
“I don’t go anywhere without my bear.”
Jeff:
With a red bandana tied around his neck. He’s like…
Casey:
And then some team jersey.
Jeff:
“He’s bear-ly Crips.”
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like, “No. No.” There’s something about that… As soon as anyone makes any bear shit at all…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s, like, the automatic pun…
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “No. Stop.”
Casey:
Yeah. Bring it on back.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Oi…
Casey:
Anyway, so you were in Times Square. You had nothing to do, apparently.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Now, let me get this straight, because I only heard one thing, really, from you about New York since you got back ‘cos we were gonna talk about it on the podcast so I was like, “I’ll wait to ask questions.” But you said something that was like, “Oh, yeah. Let’s go to the Olive Garden.” Like, you were in New York City and you were like, “Oh, we’ve got to hit the Olive Garden,” or something.
Jeff:
No, no, no. You were mad…
Casey:
What the fuck?
Jeff:
No, no. We went to the… I got there about 1 in the morning.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I got there really late.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then, I just went out on Times Square, like, “I’ve gotta find something. I’m starving.”
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
And the Hard Rock was 3 blocks away.
Casey:
Okay. Okay.
Jeff:
And they were just blasting music. So I just went in.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then, that’s the one you were making fun of.
Casey:
That’s a little more excusable.
Jeff:
And I will say the Hard Rock has really good chicks. Every time I’ve come in…
Casey:
Okay. That’s fine. Maybe they do.
Jeff:
I go to the one in Vegas, as well.
Casey:
I thought it was like… ‘Cos I seem to remember… I was remembering something like you went all the way to New York City and you ate at, like, the fucking McDonald’s or something.
Jeff:
No. We actually ate at a pretty good Italian place that turned out to be mostly vegetarian stuff.
Casey:
Well, that is good for you, then.
Jeff:
They were screwed but I had some good action. So mine was really good.
Casey:
Cool.
Jeff:
But yeah. So, yeah, we went there. We saw a Yankees game. I wanted to see a Yankees game before the Yankees Stadium is gone. It’s their last season.
Casey:
Oh, right. They’re moving to a new… They’ve got a new thing, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Going on?
Jeff:
Right next door. In fact, they look so much alike. It seems like it’s the exact same stadium, only bigger.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
And so we walked to the wrong one.
Casey:
So it’s just a capacity upgrade?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The wall looks the same, the way the little arches do…
Casey:
So they did not try to re-architect the stadium.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They just tried to make a similar stadium that could hold more people?
Jeff:
Right. And could have a luxury suites and the more restaurants and all that.
Casey:
Sure. Right, right.
Jeff:
So anyway, yeah…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And…
Casey:
They just need more money for their losing team.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So you can go watch the team lose in style.
Jeff:
I mean, they have a sub-500 record and [ that ] stadium was packed. It’s not like going to see the Mariners right now…
Casey:
Yep, yep.
Jeff:
Which is like…
Casey:
Does anyone go to see the Mariners? I know, like, when they’re playing the Red Sox or something, people go to see that.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But it ain’t ‘cos they want to see the Mariners.
Jeff:
There’s more red than blue.
Casey:
Yeah. There’s more Red Sox players. Yeah.
Jeff:
No. They’re in last place. So they’re hurting.
Casey:
Oh, awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We have the worst team here, it seems. They’re always bad.
Jeff:
This year, I thought… Well, we can talk about baseball but I know…
Casey:
Yeah. I don’t know enough to talk about it is the only problem.
Jeff:
Well, I just… This was gonna be a year when they actually are going to compete for the World Series. We expected good things from them.
Casey:
Oh, really? But it just didn’t happen?
Jeff:
It didn’t happen. There’s always something that happens to the Mariners.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So we saw that. And then [ Kayir ] wanted to see a show…
Casey:
[ Kayir ]?
Jeff:
So I let him pick.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And…
Casey:
Now, nobody besides me right now knows who [ Kayir ] is, just letting you know.
Jeff:
Yeah, a good buddy of ours…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s…
Casey:
Well, I don’t really know him. Hardly at all.
Jeff:
Yeah. We’ve gone golfing before.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s true.
Jeff:
We have good [ Kayir ] stories.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But yeah, he picked a play. And so, there’s a couple things. One is…
Casey:
He used to live here. He doesn’t live here anymore.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s kind of the important part of the story.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? He used to live here so I knew him, sort of casually, and Jeff maybe more so…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And then, he doesn’t live here anymore. He… ‘Cos he contracts so he moves around, actually.
Jeff:
Yes, he moves around a lot.
Casey:
And so… He doesn’t live in New York City, though, right?
Jeff:
No, no.
Casey:
You guys just met up there?
Jeff:
Yeah, we just hooked up.
Casey:
Okay. So you guys were just hanging out. So much like going to Vegas…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You went somewhere just kind of as a rendezvous, if you will?
Jeff:
Yep, exactly. The last time, we did go to Vegas, actually.
Casey:
A rendezvous, I should say.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, he picked the thing. And he… [ Kayir ] doesn’t always know all of the info about the shows ahead of time.
Casey:
The implications…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And the fine print.
Jeff:
Right. So he looked online and he found one that won a lot of Tony Awards.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Now, what I’ll say about the Tony Awards…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is they’re basically like your grandma giving you awards.
Casey:
Awesome. It’s like getting…
Jeff:
Every show has 7 or more Tony’s.
Casey:
Okay. So your show got put on the refrigerator?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is basically what you’re saying? That’s the Tony Award?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And if you get 7 Tony’s, that means you suck. That’s like getting zero out of a hundred, right.
Casey:
It’s like, if you can’t scrape together 7 Tony’s…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Just fucking shut… Shut the doors now.
Jeff:
However many Tony’s you have, you subtract 7…
Casey:
And that’s how many awards you have…
Jeff:
And you can go up to 13…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And that puts your percentage up there.
Casey:
Gotcha.
Jeff:
Okay. So [ Kayir ] got tickets to a show called “Spring Awakening”.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And it’s a musical.
Casey:
I have not seen this musical, unfortunately.
Jeff:
Yeah, which I’m already predisposed not to super like. But I will say…
Casey:
Now, why are you predisposed not to like it? Because it’s a musical?
Jeff:
Because it’s a musical.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I’m not… As we’ve talked about, I’m not a super musical…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
This…
Casey:
And even I, who love musicals, have said on the air that…
Jeff:
Most are bad.
Casey:
Chances are, musicals are bad, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So even someone who loves musicals…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is conceding this fact…
Jeff:
This… I’m gonna sneeze.
Casey:
That’s okay. You can sneeze on the podcast.
Jeff:
No, but I’ve got to get it in the end of a sentence.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I think it’s fading. Do sneezes ever fade?
Casey:
That’s unusual. It doesn’t normally happen.
Jeff:
I know.
Casey:
Belches do sometimes.
Jeff:
Ew, no. Anyway, so it’s called “Spring Awakening”. And it’s pretty much every single thing I hate in musicals…
Casey:
In one musical?
Jeff:
In one musical plus the fact that it was the most poorly-written…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Pretentious, and comically silly afterschool special of a show. Okay. So this was about Germans…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In 1890…
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Okay. Teenagers.
Casey:
Okay. So pre-World War I.
Jeff:
Yes. Well, before World War I, okay. And…
Casey:
I don’t know even know what Germany was like pre-World War I, to be honest with you.
Jeff:
Apparently, they were all sexually frustrated because all the teenagers in this show…
Casey:
That’s just Germany, period. Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And in addition, they all liked rock & roll music because all of the songs were rock songs…
Casey:
Alright. Which has not been invented yet, really.
Jeff:
Yeah, but they felt it in their hearts…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because they broke out in song often.
Casey:
No. They just decided that rock & roll was the best way to express…
Jeff:
The alienation…
Casey:
1890’s Germany.
Jeff:
And the angst of being a child, okay
Casey:
Right. Okay. Yes, very angsty.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
In Lederhosen…
Jeff:
There were only two… Right, they actually did wear…
Casey:
Are they in Bavaria?
Jeff:
I don’t know…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But they were wearing the crazy, like…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
I swear to God…
Casey:
Bean schnitzel…
Jeff:
Now, this was… Every single thing was like this in the sense of he said… The director or writer said, “We need German clothes.”
Casey:
Right, right, right.
Jeff:
And they went out. And whatever stereotypical thing they found on Wikipedia…
Casey:
They put that on there.
Jeff:
That’s what they had made…
Casey:
Right. Okay.
Jeff:
If you imagine writing and designing the entire play that way…
Casey:
From Wikipedia? Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, and just like… No thought deeper than the first one that comes to mind was what they did.
Casey:
Awesome. Yeah.
Jeff:
So the whole show is about teenagers and the angst of being a teenager…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Which, like, first off…
Casey:
Kind of played out at this point but yeah…
Jeff:
Played out and also… You know what? Teenagers piss me off most of the time, anyway. Shut the fuck up, teenagers.
Casey:
You’re like, “I don’t need a show about that.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“I don’t need a fucking show about that.”
Jeff:
Fuck you.
Casey:
“I’ll go watch ‘High School Musical’ if I needed a show about that.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Thank you.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, so I’m annoyed already as soon as they start singing the first song. So there’s only 2 adults. There’s lots of adult characters…
Casey:
In the musical…
Jeff:
But they’re all played by 2 adults…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because they’re all the same.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“They’re bringing us down.”
Casey:
Wawawa wawawa wawawa…
Jeff:
I made the exact penis noise. Wawawa wawawa wawawa.
Casey:
Yeah. Was that the penis noise?
Jeff:
No… Yeah…
Casey:
You said penis noise.
Jeff:
I didn’t just say…
Casey:
You did not say Peanuts noise.
Jeff:
I said Peanuts.
Casey:
No. You said penis noise.
Jeff:
No, that’s what happened last time we said…
Casey:
Move on…
Jeff:
Anyway, so let me just say real quick… So all of the characters undergo lots of angst.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And then, their angst boils out in rock & roll, okay.
Casey:
Okay, yeah. Perfect.
Jeff:
Yeah. The first one…
Casey:
That’s how it’s supposed to work.
Jeff:
The first teenager did ask her mother to tell her the facts of life.
Casey:
Did not ask her mother?
Jeff:
Did.
Casey:
Did ask her mother.
Jeff:
And the mother refused.
Casey:
That’s can be really tough on a child, yeah.
Jeff:
And so, her frustration at the thing…
Casey:
So she was like, “Mom, where do babies come from?” And mom was like, “I don’t fucking know.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Stop asking me.
Jeff:
She was flummoxed.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And so, that annoyance at adults sprung out into a song called “Mama, Who Bore Me”. You probably can find this on YouTube…
Casey:
I’m imagining you were being bored, as well, at this point.
Jeff:
A couple things were happening.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
One is I was just like…
Casey:
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I’m like, “This is the first goddamned song? This is what we’re seeing? We’re in trouble.”
Casey:
Oh, God. Alright. You’re like, “Maybe we can leave at intermission.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Was that what you were thinking in your head or…
Jeff:
And then the other thing is the seats were… You know how airline seats are too close.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
These were closer.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
So I’m, like, doing this funny jiu-jitsu…
Casey:
What theater was this?
Jeff:
The Eugene O’neill.
Casey:
Okay. I don’t think I’ve ever been in there.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s off at 49th.
Casey:
Have I been in there?
Jeff:
It’s not a huge theater but they show… I mean, it’s not off Broadway anyway…
Casey:
I’m guessing that if Eugene O’neill had written this play, it probably would’ve been better.
Jeff:
If Eugene O’neill had heard this play, right…
Casey:
He would’ve cancelled it. He would not have allowed his name to be on the theater?
Jeff:
Right. Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He probably just would’ve said… Yeah, it was bad.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, that was her… She ends up later on hearing about another friend who her father abuses her because, you know, again we’re going with the “adults are bad” thing.
Casey:
Yeah, they are bad.
Jeff:
And there’s a song about that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Rock & roll song…
Casey:
Right, rock & roll.
Jeff:
Which she sings.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I don’t remember which one. I believe that one’s called…
Casey:
“Daddy Who Bore Me”?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Wow, that’s punny…
Jeff:
“The Dark I Know Well”.
Casey:
Okay, sorry.
Jeff:
And then, anyway, the girl that doesn’t get the information hears this, asks her boyfriend to beat her up ‘cos she wants to feel what the other girl felt.
Casey:
Uh-huh…
Jeff:
He beats her up…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
Yeah. He beats her up and…
Casey:
Realizes he’s gay?
Jeff:
No, no…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They never realized and all of us in the audience were like…
Casey:
Knew they were gay ahead of time?
Jeff:
Well, everyone in the audience were like… Every single guy on the stage is guy. Most of the people in the audience, as well. Okay. And they’re singing about this, like… Oh, it’s so… And then, there’s a lot of parts in the songs where I started chuckling because they’re like, “I think about the stuff between her legs,” and they’re just like…
Casey:
And you’re like, “No, you do not.”
Jeff:
Nope. I don’t think you do because I’m pretty sure no straight guy’s ever said “the stuff between her legs”. That has an implication of nasty gross stuff I don’t want to think about.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, it was killing me.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah, I can understand why.
Jeff:
So anyway, they did that and… Anyway, after that, they have sex.
Casey:
This sounds like a really, really terrible musical.
Jeff:
Yeah. They had sex and they actually got naked on stage.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
The performers seemed like they were 13. I turned to [ Kayir ] and said, “What? Where did you get these… This is unbelievable.”
Casey:
Oh, were you like, “Is this legal? Am I… Is this actually legal in this country?”
Jeff:
“Am I in trouble at this point?”
Casey:
“Am I gonna get in trouble for purchasing these tickets…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Because child porn’s not legal in this country the last time I checked.”
Jeff:
Right. I’m like, “Oh, boy.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so, that’s the end of Act 1.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And everyone’s kind of murmuring, going…
Casey:
They’re like, “Wow, I sure hope this gets better in Act 2.”
Jeff:
Okay. And it was uncomfortable, the sex scene was… People were kind of going… Like, you know, there was general discomfort. The start of Act 2, they back up 5 minutes and do the scene again.
Casey:
Yes, awesome.
Jeff:
And everyone’s like…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
I heard someone go, “Again?”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Like, loud enough to be heard.
Casey:
I love it.
Jeff:
I’m like, “Holy shit.” Anyway, they get pregnant. She gets pregnant.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They send her… She gets an abortion because her [ parent then dies… ]
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
He writes an erotic poem that he gives to his friend, his male friend…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Who’s having trouble fantasizing…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
And the male friend flunks out of school and kills himself…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
For flunking out of school.
Casey:
Okay…
Jeff:
The other guy, they find his erotic manuscript… No, erotic essay. They call it an essay. So they send him to reform school. He breaks out of reform school because…
Casey:
This sounds like fucking “Youth & Revolt”. What the hell?
Jeff:
No, it’s… Like, it’s so over wrought…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Ridiculous…. And you’re like, “She’s gonna get pregnant, for sure. There’s gonna be a botched abortion…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“For sure.” And then, in the middle of this, he goes to reform school where the guys in reform school decide to jerk off to the letters the pregnant girl sent him…
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
So he beats them up with a tire iron or something, not with a real tire iron. He’s fake fighting. And then… Now, again…
Casey:
Okay, does any of this shit actually happen in Germany? ‘Cos this explains a lot of it does, actually, right? A lot of shit is starting to make sense about the 20th Century if this is what happened in 1890 to the kids who were then gonna be part of, right, the German political scene for the next 60 years.
Jeff:
Master Adolf Hitler is in the back of the class…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Singing along with them…
Casey:
He was the baby. He was the aborted… He was the botched aborted baby.
Jeff:
So then, finally, he breaks out. He finds out she’s herself. He goes to the cemetery, which they pumped out dry ice onto the stage…
Casey:
No. No, they… They’ve got everything in here!
Jeff:
No. I’m telling you…
Casey:
They’ve got everything in here.
Jeff:
Every…
Casey:
Okay, wait. No, wait. Stop for one second. I need to know one thing. I need to know one thing first. Did we have a scene where someone sits in a chair and pretends it’s something much more elaborate than a chair?
Jeff:
Like that he’s sitting in something that, like, could be like a hammock?
Casey:
Sure, whatever it is, right…
Jeff:
Oh, I got it… An oak tree…
Casey:
Right. Yes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But he’s sitting in a chair but it’s supposed to… They, like, project leaves shadows on the ground and it’s supposed to be a tree.
Jeff:
Oak tree. Oak tree.
Casey:
Yes. ‘Cos that’s the thing that every director thinks they’re being creative…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
By having somebody sit in a fucking chair, right…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t know where these people get these ideas. They’re just the most creatively-bankrupt pieces of shit, usually, the people who direct these things, right. Oh, my Lord.
Jeff:
It was so bad. And then so…
Casey:
’Cos that’s always my favorite scene is the sitting in the chair scene.
Jeff:
Now also, the guy…
Casey:
That’s where I lose it.
Jeff:
The guy that killed himself, by the way…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Who killed himself for getting kicked out of school, who sang a song called “Don’t Do Sadness”…
Casey:
Don’t do it? Don’t do sadness?
Jeff:
Like, “I don’t do sadness”.
Casey:
I don’t do that. I don’t roll like sadness.
Jeff:
Yeah, he does big rock songs.
Casey:
I roll happy style.
Jeff:
Yeah. And then he killed himself.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So at the end, in the graveyard, they climb out of the grave…
Casey:
To sing the finale?
Jeff:
To stop the guy who broke out of reform school from… ‘Cos he’s gonna kill himself with a razor, imaginary razor…
Casey:
Oh, good, an imaginary item.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We’re hitting every fucking awesome thing ever…
Jeff:
He’s holding it going like this…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they shine a little light on him.
Casey:
Like Sweeney Todd?
Jeff:
Yeah. And then, then they all sing together. And then it makes him decide not to kill himself. And then, he sings a song. He resolves to live on. And he sings a song called “Those You’ve Known”. And by the way…
Casey:
This sounds touching.
Jeff:
Right. By the way, after she and him had killed themselves earlier in the play, the 2 characters that did, he was in trouble because of his sexy essay that was found.
Casey:
“The sexy… This essay is a little too sexy.”
Jeff:
Yeah. The sexy essay…
Casey:
“How about I read you some of my sexy essays?”
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re supposed to be feeling sad. At this point…
Casey:
You’re just like, “Okay…”
Jeff:
They zoom in on him as they’re like, “Did you write the essay? Did you write the essay?”
Casey:
I don’t think they “zoomed in on him”.
Jeff:
Well, no. They spotlighted him, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So they’re like, “Did you write the essay? Did you write the essay?” His song that he broke out in right then was a song called “Totally Fucked”, like, “I’m totally fucked”. And the whole class was like, “Did you… And you’re totally fucked.” And they all sing it. And you’re like…
Casey:
This is the worst thing I have ever head.
Jeff:
“Two characters just committed… Just died…”
Casey:
This sounds worse than “Princesses”, somehow…
Jeff:
It’s…
Casey:
Which sounds impossible but…
Jeff:
It’s the worst. Like, I saw “Titanic”…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Which was the most comical…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, “Titanic”, at least was a huge big budget thing…
Casey:
Right, yeah.
Jeff:
They had a crazy set.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That rotated…
Casey:
They ain’t sitting on a chair. They’re like…
Jeff:
They actually had a set that moved and rotated and people fell on wires and all this.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So it’s more like the “Special Effects Extravaganza…”
Casey:
Extravaganza. . .
Jeff:
“Titanic: The Musical”… This was at least 10 time worse.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
I mean, at the end of it, I was like…
Casey:
You’ve got to be shitting me.
Jeff:
There were so many, like, pre-teen girls that went to this that just screamed at the end. They loved it so much.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
There was a huge line where they were playing the music…
Casey:
So is there something we don’t understand? Like, does this speak directly to the 14-year old female brain and that’s why, like, it’s popular? Or what?
Jeff:
I don’t know. All I can say is if that’s true, 14-year old girls right now…
Casey:
That’s pretty fucked up.
Jeff:
Like the gayest stuff you’ve ever…
Casey:
Well, they shop at Abercrombie & Fitch so we knew that already.
Jeff:
It was so bad. And, like, they were screaming for the dude. It was so bad. Everything that you go… The first thing that would pop into your mind, that’s what they did. Oh, it was…
Casey:
Nobody has standards any anymore.
Jeff:
And they were all buying it.
Casey:
It’s so sad.
Jeff:
And then, everyone… We were walking out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And everyone’s like, “That was so awesome. That was so awesome.” And I was so mad. I just said…
Casey:
You know, it’s probably a “The Emperor’s New Clothes” thing…
Jeff:
I turned to [ Kayir ] and said, “That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” And I said it about that loud…
Casey:
It’s the opposite of that. It’s the opposite of awesome.
Jeff:
And everyone went… To look. And you’re like… Ugh, I was so mad.
Casey:
Now, maybe it’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes” thing, right? I often wonder if that’s the case. Like, I feel like that’s what it is when people go to see opera, to a large extent, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s like, there are some people in the audience who genuinely do enjoy it, right. The other… All the rest of the people in the audience, the other people besides that one person…
Jeff:
Are playing along…
Casey:
Are just, like, don’t want to say that they just spent $90 on something that blows, right?
Jeff:
Yeah. It blew.
Casey:
I mean, I don’t know what the other explanation is because all these things are really fucking bad. And the thing that you just described certainly sounds like the worst kind of musical…
Jeff:
There’s…
Casey:
And I’ve been there, baby. I’ve seen that shit and it’s terrible.
Jeff:
Yeah. When musicals go wrong, man do they go wrong.
Casey:
They go wrong. They go wrong.
Jeff:
So you can go on YouTube and see some of those and they’re hysterical.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You could… Man, I tried to play the first one and you couldn’t handle it. You’re like…
Casey:
No, I didn’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to…
Jeff:
Anyway, that was my musical.
Casey:
Dude, what else happened in New York? Was that about it? Just the musical? You weren’t there very long I think.
Jeff:
No, it was really quick and then we just kind of walked around…
Casey:
Alright. Just dinner and the musical and the Yankees game and…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Anything happen at the Yankees game or just exactly what you expect (a bunch of people drunk and yelling)? Or…
Jeff:
No, it was… We were in the good seats so…
Casey:
Alright, so you got a little less of the beer pong match and…
Jeff:
Craziness, yeah.
Casey:
That’s a good thing.
Jeff:
So yeah, it was a good game. It was really hot. I mean, as hot as it is here in podcast studios…
Casey:
It is pretty hot in podcast studios…
Jeff:
It is really hot in New York right now.
Casey:
Yes. Although in theory, they turned the AC back on or are fixing it. So maybe someday it won’t be…
Jeff:
I don’t feel it.
Casey:
I’m saying someday… Maybe next week, it’ll be working again.
Jeff:
Totally fucked.
Casey:
Totally fucked.
Jeff:
Jazz hands.
Casey:
Okay. So that’s it for your New York trip? That’s all you’ve got to tell me?
Jeff:
I think the only thing else that I was gonna say is I realized… So, we talked about before how there’s the fast security line if you have first class tickets…
Casey:
Oh, for the flight?
Jeff:
Right, this kind of weird… That, like, you can pay more to get in a different line.
Casey:
Do you normally fly first… I try to get first class when I can.
Jeff:
I always do first class now. That’s, like, one…
Casey:
Okay. ‘Cos that’s… You know, that’s a very positive change for you.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because normally, you’re like, “I want the cheapest fucking thing you’ve got. Can I ride in the luggage compartment?”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
“Because if I could and save 50 bucks, I absolutely would.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s you talking.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right. I’m you right now, okay. This is me, “I would absolutely pay a thousand Dollars more.” And this is you, “I want to ride in the luggage compartment for 50 Dollars. Can I send myself free?”
Jeff:
No, I did… I don’t remember when I changed. That’s…
Casey:
You flipped that bit. That bit got flipped.
Jeff:
I flipped that bit and I will pay whatever it takes nowadays.
Casey:
That’s my opinion, exactly, is flying is one of the few things that I just cannot…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, I’ve never had a bad experience paying more for my flight.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s worth it all around.
Casey:
Everything else, I’ve had a bad experience paying more for. I’ve been like, “This is a waste of fucking money.” But not that, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s good.
Casey:
Name any other thing… Furniture, residence, phone, everything… But not that. What are you doing? Why are you dancing?
Jeff:
I just [ nailed my ] funny bone on the table…
Casey:
Oh, don’t do that.
Jeff:
Anyway, the other thing.
Casey:
This is the worst table, by the way.
Jeff:
Yeah, it is. The other thing… The thing I was thinking about with the TSA thing is they ought to do the wisdom of crowd things with that where they just let you, when you buy a ticket, whether it’s coach or not, choose whether you want your flight (the flight you’re about to go on) be TSA screened or not. And…
Casey:
What does that mean, though?
Jeff:
I mean, like, everybody who buys a ticket chooses whether they should be TSA screened or not…
Casey:
So it’s a vote?
Jeff:
It’s a vote.
Casey:
And if it’s 51% one way, then that’s what it is?
Jeff:
You can go right on the plane, no nothing.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
Party on. Take your fluids…
Casey:
Okay. Take a big fucking bob strapped to your chest. We don’t give a shit.
Jeff:
Leave your shoes on…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
My bet is everybody flies that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Everybody chooses that. And then the politicians can go, “Fine. Let’s get rid of everything. Planes will crash but the public has spoken.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And all this insanity where you’re like, “TSA does nothing. It doesn’t improve security. It probably makes it worse most of the time.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It would vanish overnight if we could just, like, choose. And… ‘Cos I don’t know anybody that would say, “Yeah, I’m positive that me taking my shoes off is gonna improve safety.”
Casey:
Well, you could do it a slightly different way, too, as well, which would just be instead of voting, there are just TSA screened and non-TSA screened flights. And when you book your ticket, it’s just every other day or something.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So it’s like, “Okay, you know, on Tuesdays…” And then they would learn pretty quickly and then it would grow to whatever… It’s like, okay now, there’s only TSA screening on Fridays. All the rest of the days are just not because that’s as many people as there were still buying them or something, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, that’d be good…
Casey:
That way you’d know ahead of time.
Jeff:
So all the crazy grandmas can fly on the day…
Casey:
On Friday, yeah.
Jeff:
And like… So…
Casey:
And all the businessmen who are like, “I fucking hope this plane gets bombed ‘cos my life blows.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re all on the Wednesday flight. And it’s, like, there’s no screening. There’s not even a gate. There’s just a plane that pulls up in the middle of, like, a mall parking lot…
Jeff:
And a trampoline…
Casey:
And you just fucking get on it and it takes off.
Jeff:
And a trampoline…
Casey:
And a trampoline…
Jeff:
You just run up. Boing.
Casey:
Woo! Yeah.
Jeff:
And then if you miss, you don’t fly.
Casey:
Right. There’s no luggage. They don’t even have a luggage compartment, right. It’s just like, Carry-On Special.
Jeff:
I think that’d be totally… And like…
Casey:
It’s an interesting idea.
Jeff:
It’d be like [ 2 Nut day ], like, instead of Saturdays, it’d be Secure Day.
Casey:
Oh, right, Security Tuesdays.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. I see.
Jeff:
And I’d just be interested because I can’t imagine most people. And then, all this apparatus that we’ve invested…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Even the stuff we had before the TSA bullshit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Which was still stupid…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Would vanish.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then we wouldn’t have our celebrities being caught with guns…
Casey:
Which is always a huge problem…
Jeff:
Yes, it’s a problem.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So it all gets better if we could do that. I between people would pay more. Extra 50 bucks and you get…
Casey:
Well, they already are, somewhat, right? Like, part of the price of first class includes that privilege of not going through…
Jeff:
The long line…
Casey:
The long line there, right, which… So at some level…
Jeff:
I don’t want to pay…
Casey:
I don’t know how much of the first class-ness is that, though. A lot of it is…
Jeff:
I don’t want to pay more for nothing.
Casey:
But when they got rid of that, people revolted. So it is some of that. They got… Originally, after 9/11, there was no more first class pass-through. And people were furious and they reinstated it.
Jeff:
Ah, I see.
Casey:
So there is at least some modicum of “That was an important…” Now, how much of it is actually important to them and how much was just like, “You can’t take away our inch, we want our inch back,” kind of a thing… But you know, whatever…
Jeff:
Anyway.
Casey:
There’s one data point.
Jeff:
So that’s all I have to say about New York.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
It was a little stinky like you said.
Casey:
It is a garbage… There’s a garbage issue.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, yesterday… I had something that I was gonna say about that…
Jeff:
Go on…
Casey:
Especially because you were talking about New York being like Japan…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And I actually have a cross- cultural sort of experience that I wanted to talk about for a second.
Jeff:
Okay. A cross-pollination
Casey:
Yeah. Well, to be honest with you, when I thought of it, it’s not something I would normally talk about on the podcast. But…
Jeff:
Which means it’s awesome for the podcast, in my experience…
Casey:
Because… Well, that could be true. Because last time… What was it? Maybe 2 podcasts ago, I want to say, you… When you went ahead and took the step, the positive first step, of discussing your Angelina Jolie watching fetish with everyone…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right. I don’t know if fetish is the right word for that.
Jeff:
It went wrong.
Casey:
Procedure, right… You know, the night that went poorly for you…
Jeff:
Well, I didn’t light candles or anything. Let’s be… [inaudible 34:00] too over the top.
Casey:
You didn’t say you lit candles but I don’t know what you did, right? You only told us that you were in for a night of naked Angelina Jolie lesbian action and it went wrong, which suggests to me that at some point, there probably were some other videos that went right and maybe there were candles for that. I don’t know. This one went poorly but… Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe they all go wrong.
Casey:
Maybe they… That’s good.
Jeff:
Oh, for fuck’s sake…
Casey:
I have a very unrewarding self-gratification lifestyle. It doesn’t work out for me. Anyway…
Jeff:
Yeah, “I put on Crash the other night. Damnit.”
Casey:
“I just keep choosing poorly.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Or you always choose the wrong fetish by accident.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I heard this was something and you get something else.
Casey:
It’s not that thing?
Jeff:
Fuck. Okay. So you were cross-pollinating yourself…
Casey:
Anyway… No, this is not a masturbation story.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
But it is a story about… Well, I’ll just tell you the story. I don’t know what it’s characterized as…
Jeff:
A story about a boy…
Casey:
I don’t know what the story is…
Jeff:
Totally fucked…
Casey:
So it’s a story about what I perceive to be roughly the same experience…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That I had in Tokyo and at Pike Place Market.
Jeff:
Okay. Same experience you had in Tokyo…
Casey:
2 years apart, okay…
Jeff:
Transplanted… A déj_ vu.
Casey:
But the same experience…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In…
Jeff:
Is this mystical?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
No…
Jeff:
Damnit.
Casey:
It’s mildly erotic.
Jeff:
Oh, my God.
Casey:
But only mildly.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In Tokyo…
Jeff:
I’m semi-excited for the story.
Casey:
I was semi-excited in the experiences.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it all goes well.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In Tokyo… Or maybe just in Japan in general but I seem to feel like it’s only in sort of the more major cities from what I could see.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
But in general, they are much more open there about food preparation visibility.
Jeff:
Okay. You could see the chef, right…
Casey:
So if you go somewhere here, right… There’s almost like an industry, right, that’s setup to make you feel like you can see into the kitchen without you really being able to see what’s going on.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That is always the case. No matter how high class the restaurant is, it’s set up so that you can sort of feel like you could see what’s going on…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But you can’t really…
Jeff:
And you don’t want to.
Casey:
And maybe you don’t want to.
Jeff:
Every restaurant I’ve worked in…
Casey:
Maybe you do not want to, yes.
Jeff:
Every person I know who’s worked on a restaurant says, “You do not want to know what’s going on in the kitchen.”
Casey:
Yes, that’s probably true. Yes. So here, we are based strictly on the illusion of transparency, so kind of like our government, right. Our kitchens are set up the same way, right. They want to make you feel like you’re able to be part of the process when in reality, you have no idea what’s really going on back there, okay…
Jeff:
“Chef Ramsfield will be preparing you a wonderful little thing called the Iraq Surprise.”
Casey:
Yes. Right. “I can’t tell you the secret recipe. It would divulge too much information. But there’s…”
Jeff:
Our menu is [inaudible 36:53]
Casey:
Yeah. There’s big black lines crossed out. “You can order this but we can’t tell you what it is. We’re making it for you on your behalf. But we can’t tell you what it is or what’s in it.” Anyway, so point being, in Japan, this is not the case. Most of the time in Japan, I felt like there were places that went out of their way to make it so that you could see the whole process, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So for example, there are these things at the bottom of train stations and department stores which are basically like these sort of food paradises. They’re like a whole floor…
Jeff:
Food paradise.
Casey:
Yes, it’s like food Eden. It’s like a whole floor with nothing but beautiful pristine kiosks filled with every kind of food imaginable. And many of them are making the food there. So for…
Jeff:
This is like the [ Uwajimaya ] food court?
Casey:
No, it is nothing like that.
Jeff:
Because that is scary as shit.
Casey:
It is nothing like that. That is like America. These are amazing and wonderful and beautiful things.
Jeff:
Because this is Eden.
Casey:
This is not the [ Uwajimaya ] food court, right… First of all, there are no Japanese restaurants in the [ Uwajimaya ] food court. It’s all Korean and Chinese which is odd considering [ Uwajimaya ] is a Japanese grocery store.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, there is no sushi…
Casey:
But let’s put that aside for a second, okay.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So for example, in one of these, right, there’s a bakery. And it’s just completely… It’s glassed in but it’s completely transparent. You can watch them make the dough, knead the dough, put it on the pans, put it in the oven, take it out of the oven, put it in the wrappers, put it in the shelf… You can then go fucking grab that piece of bread if you sat there long enough… Like, I don’t know how long, 2 hour or whatever it takes for bread to go through the process, right. You can literally pick that fucking one up and eat it, okay.
Jeff:
That’s paradise.
Casey:
That’s where we’re at at these places.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. So anyway, thanks to this sort of cultural attitude towards food preparation, there was a place in the center of one of these things that was another one of these glass scenarios where you could see people preparing food, right…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And they were preparing pastries, like, small pastries, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, little maybe kind of cake-like things. And they were doing, like… You know, frosting them very delicately making all these little pastries for sale in this pastry shop thing.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Anyway, super, super gorgeous girl in one of these things is doing the bride… She’s got, like, the chef’s outfit on…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s super adorable, right, and your hair is back but it’s super awesome and it’s just like… I’m transfixed, right. I’m just looking at this. She’s making these pastries that look amazing, right. Like, the pastries are amazing…
Jeff:
She’s amazing…
Casey:
And the girl is amazing. I’m just like, “This is awesome. Like, I can’t think of anything more awesome than this, than what I’m seeing right now,” right.
Jeff:
Unless there’s a whole in the glass is what you…
Casey:
Why would I want a hole in… Oh, God. That was terrible and I didn’t think of what you would think…
Jeff:
You said it out…
Casey:
You are terrible.
Jeff:
I’m just…
Casey:
No, I was not thinking that.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
This is the thing about it is this is why I said only mildly erotic. For some reason, it hit a different place in my brain.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It was not, like, “I have to get me some action right now.” It was different than that. It was like…
Jeff:
Your bread wasn’t rising?
Casey:
No, no. It was totally different from that. It was like, “I’m totally gonna marry this person,” right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It was hitting this different center of my brain that’s like, “This is the person who should have my children.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I was like, “This is gonna be awesome. We’re gonna run away together somewhere. It’s gonna be perfect,” right?
Jeff:
I see. Because she can provide for you.
Casey:
I have no idea. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Well, she can make pastries…
Casey:
Right. I’ve never… So there’s food porn in the world. Like, food and sex are things that go together and lots of people do that. That, to me, is disgusting. If I see a woman doing something with food, I’m like, “Ew, stop doing weird, sexual shit with my food,” right?
Jeff:
“Put the pork down.”
Casey:
That’s fucked up. So somehow, that misses the boat. But this totally tot… It was the fucking hydroplane, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It did not miss the boat in any way, shape, or form.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
This was a rapid transit fairy, going directly to where I want it to be.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
You were all aboard.
Casey:
All aboard. Okay. I can literally not tell you of any time I’ve had a similar experience.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. That was it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It was that one time, okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That brain center never gets activated. It was activated that one time. Happened again yesterday…
Jeff:
Okay, but you’re saying…
Casey:
Okay. This is the second time it’s ever happened yesterday…
Jeff:
Okay, let’s hear about the second one and see if we can discover a pattern.
Casey:
I already pre-discovered the pattern.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The story is about the pattern.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It’s fucking obvious. You’re not gonna have to do any digging.
Jeff:
Alright, there’s no psychological underpinnings.
Casey:
Well, I don’t know why it’s doing this but it’s pretty obvious what is doing this, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s pretty obvious what the pattern is. I just don’t know how it’s working exactly.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Right. Because again, you would think that that would mean that I have, like, a food fetish. But I don’t, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So there’s something other… It’s like a food… Food is being associated with matronly love…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
In some way that is non-obvious to me. But it happens, okay.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright.
Casey:
Anyway, so it’s a beautiful day out yesterday.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I don’t know if you remember this.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It was gorgeous.
Jeff:
I stayed inside where I belonged.
Casey:
I had to go get a haircut.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Went to go get my haircut.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
I remember you told me.
Casey:
Chatting…
Jeff:
We were IM-ing…
Casey:
Right. Chatted with my hairdresser, who’s very nice.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
She and I are buds. So you know, chatting. It’s a beautiful day. I get out of the hairdresser. I’m like, “You know what, I’m gonna take a walk.” So I walked down to Everyday Music and did some shopping. And then I decided, “Oh, I might just walk down to Pike Place Market.” So I walked down to Pike Place Market. So I’m at Pike Place Market. And there’s two things that I do at Pike Place Market, okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’ve talked about one before — the cheese situation.
Jeff:
Oh, that’s at…
Casey:
So I always go to DeLaurenti’s and I try to work out my cheese situation, right, pick up some olive oil if I’m running low, and so on.
Jeff:
Bring your $30 so you can prove to them…
Casey:
I did… Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I did that part, okay. Then there’s another thing that I do which is I go to their Le Panier, which is the French bakery there, right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because I like their bread there. So I go to do that. And normally, I buy something there called… I don’t know how you actually pronounce this because it was a weird word for me. Like, ostensibly, I know how to pronounce French words because I took it in high school. And what that actually means is I don’t know a goddamn thing about French, okay. But it’s B-A-T-A-R-D. Batard?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I don’t know how you say that.
Jeff:
Bastard?
Casey:
Most French words end in more consonants than that so I was a little stymied there.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Anyway, it’s a piece of bread. Okay. So, I normally pick up one of those when I’m there, too, because I super like their bread and don’t get to have it very often because it’s very far. It’s an hour’s walk, you know, from my pad.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I go in there. And it’s a little bit off-hours. They don’t have as many people working in the front as they normally do. And so, I’m sitting at the counter, waiting while the two people who are on are helping somebody else, okay.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I’m standing there. I’m just kind of idly standing there. And I look in the back, right, where they’re doing the baking. And you can sort of see. It’s still a little bit Americanized so I can’t really see…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The oven is in front of my and so on. But in the back, there’s this super gorgeous girl, right, and it’s hot, okay. I just want to tell you that. It was hot yesterday, okay, temperature-wise, outside.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So she’s wearing not very much clothes, right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
She was in a tank top, okay, and shorts, doing baking in the back, right. And I’m just, like, totally…
Jeff:
Breadsticks…
Casey:
I just stopped, right. I’m like, looking back there and I’m like… Uhhh… Okay…
Jeff:
But again, she was baking.
Casey:
Yeah. She’s making bread. I really like the bread from this place, right. You know, like I said, weird brain activity is happening that I’m not super aware of but it’s happening. And I’m just like, “Wow.” She looks back at me and I’m like, “Oh, fuck,” like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” But she’s then like, “Oh…” She comes out from the back.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
She puts on an apron and was like, “Have you been helped?”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right. And I’m like… At this point, I’m like, “This is the worst thing that could happen,” right? I’m like, “Stop. Go back in the back. I wasn’t prepared for this.”
Jeff:
“I want to watch you make more stuff.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. That’s what I should’ve said.
Jeff:
Candy bar.
Casey:
Actually, that’s not what I should’ve said. That’s what I wanted to say.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Anyway, point being, she’s like, “Have you been helped?” And I was like, “No, I haven’t been helped. I… Do you have any more batard left? Because it doesn’t look like there’s any left.” She’s like, “Oh, no. We’re all out of that.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Right. And yeah, what crossed my mind at that point was like…
Jeff:
“Go make it.”
Casey:
I was gonna say that. I will be like, “I will absolutely wait the 3 hours for you to go back and make that, okay. There is no question that I will do that.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“Find a place for me to sit and we’ll just do it like that, okay. Because that is A-Okay by me,” right?
Jeff:
That’s enough.
Casey:
Anyway, I ended up… She pointed me towards some other breads that were similar that I hadn’t had before. Turned out to be quite good. So all ended well there. But point being, exact same experience, right. Clearly the same thing.
Jeff:
So pretty girl making pastries…
Casey:
Yes, something about…
Jeff:
Is it just the pastry? Have you ever humped a bread maker? Like, does it have to be…
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Is it only pastry-generating that is necessary or does it have to be…
Casey:
She was making bread.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Which is not technically a pastry.
Jeff:
So it’s just…
Casey:
It is a baked good but the other woman was not baking the pastries. She was topping. She was doing the, like, post-baking step of the…
Jeff:
Okay, so it’s not…
Casey:
Whereas this one was doing the pre-baking steps.
Jeff:
So it’s not solely the smell of yeast…
Casey:
So I don’t know.
Jeff:
It’s not solely the smell, like…
Casey:
No, ‘cos I couldn’t smell anything at either case. I mean, I can smell bread in the second case, I guess. But the first one, nothing.
Jeff:
I see. Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re gonna have to think about this long…
Casey:
I guess I am…
Jeff:
You’re gonna have to go back down and, like, order different things to see which thing brings…
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Determine which food it is that brings you the most pleasure that she’s making, like…
Casey:
But it’s not that because I, in either case, didn’t know what they were making.
Jeff:
It’s just that they were baking?
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It’s a good question. It’s a very good question.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is if we found pornography that took place in, like, an Italian restaurant, it’s game over. Like, Casey never leaves his room again.
Casey:
But no, see, this is the problem, right. Like I said, it’s not really an erotic thing.
Jeff:
It’s just you’re feeling… It’s like this person could make food for you…
Casey:
I don’t… No, here’s…
Jeff:
It’s almost like…
Casey:
Here’s what I’m trying to say.
Jeff:
It’s like the woman who feels safe by the man who can make her comfortable, like…
Casey:
Yes. Okay. Yes. That’s a much better…
Jeff:
That’s the feeling?
Casey:
Okay. So here’s the data point that I’m trying to get across here, right. I would absolutely go out with this person. I can tell you right now there is no way I would have a relationship with this person.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It doesn’t make any sense, right. I don’t have any interest in talking about baking. I don’t think I would have anything in common with these people at all, okay. It makes no sense why I would want to have a relationship, right. But I can tell you right now I absolutely would. If she was like, “Do you want to go out after?” I’d be like, “Of course,” right.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So something is… It’s like, something in my brain…
Jeff:
“Would you wear your apron?”
Casey:
Is shut off at that time.
Jeff:
“Can you… You smell like… What’s that…”
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
“Intoxicating scent…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Is that flour?”
Casey:
So it’s very disturbing… It’s kind of disturbing to me, actually, because it’s just another example of being completely out of rational control…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
For that decision, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which normally isn’t super much of a problem for me, at least nowadays. I’m pretty good at just being rational about, like, “Uh, this is a bad thing…”
Jeff:
Well, I would imagine…
Casey:
Like, “I shouldn’t date this person,” or whatever…
Jeff:
Well, I think everybody has their kryptonite areas like that. And I would just say…
Casey:
Yes. And I found mine.
Jeff:
Yes. Larry Craig did, too. His was just more publicly embarrassing. But it’s the same thing.
Casey:
I lucked out. Mine is not so embarrassing at the end of the day.
Jeff:
Everyone has one of those things…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And like, yeah, yours didn’t end up with [inaudible 49:15]
Casey:
Yeah. I’ll tell you this right now. I’m going bread shopping on Friday. It’s a lot more fucking often, though, okay. I want to be getting bread on Friday a lot for the next month. That’s for fucking sure.
Jeff:
In Casey’s musical, there’s a rock song called “Going to the Bakery”.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Awesome. No, that was excellent. I’m not going to the bakery with you. I don’t want to be a part of that. That’s your alone time.
Casey:
Yeah. Could you wait outside please? Jeff, you wait outside please? Thank you.
Jeff:
“I need 5 or 10 minutes.” Oh, awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Awesome. I hadn’t been to Pike Place in a long time, actually. I used to go ‘cos they have the comic book store there and the guy… It smelled not as comic book store-y as most do. And so…
Casey:
Oh, it didn’t smell of dude?
Jeff:
It didn’t smell of dude.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And so, I used to go there a lot but I haven’t been there in quite a while, actually.
Casey:
Well, I only really went for those reasons. So this is the third reason to go to… I actually have a third reason to go to Pike Place Market now.
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. Which I probably should do, now that I think about it. That’s a bad idea, right? If you have something that’s a non-rational experience to have…
Jeff:
Yeah, feeding it…
Casey:
You don’t want to do that, right. So I probably should not [inaudible 50:24]
Jeff:
Or maybe you should because denying it might just… You know. And like, you’re gonna see someone dressed up like a gingerbread in Halloween and just go…
Casey:
Oh, just lose my shit?
Jeff:
Bonkers. Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Yeah. So maybe you should just let yourself have that little treat.
Casey:
I guess. I don’t know.
Jeff:
We’ll come up with a new day for Friday.
Casey:
I need an MR… It’s like [ 2 nut ] day.
Jeff:
Exactly. “I can only have the bread…”
Casey:
It’s Bread Fantasy Fridays.
Jeff:
Exactly. Oh, my goodness.
Casey:
Oh, that’s terrible.
Jeff:
That’s good action.
Casey:
That’s a terrible idea. Yeah. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what to tell you.
Jeff:
I like that story. That’s awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like the story.
Casey:
What I really need somehow to have happen is I need the AB testing, okay.
Jeff:
I’m telling you. Order different foods.
Casey:
No, no, no. I’m talking about more specific AB testing that, right. So what I need to have happen but I can’t do this myself. I need to have someone else set it up so I don’t know it’s happening…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Is I need to have an experience where I see someone before the baking and see if I’m totally uninterested and then see the same person in the baking context…
Jeff:
See what happens.
Casey:
But now, the other problem is it’s more complicated than that because I’ve seen lots of people making stuff before and it doesn’t trigger. So it’s obviously got to be a certain woman or, if it’s even weirder, a certain baking process, which is just terrifying, right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t know what it is. The point being, there needs to be a lot more testing to really determine what the fuck’s going on.
Jeff:
As long as there’s glaze.
Casey:
Right? All we know so far is it only seems to happen in the baking context.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So it seems like that must be necessary. It couldn’t just be that they happened to be women I was interested in because it should’ve happened at least once outside of the baking context.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s probably true.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And all these years, you should’ve come up with something else. It’s something about working near the oven, near the hot, warm, oven is doing it…
Casey:
Maybe. I don’t know.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, in the Japanese case…
Jeff:
Wiping the flour off the brow…
Casey:
Yes. So, okay. Before the American incident, if you will, okay…
Jeff:
The Pike Place incident…
Casey:
Before the Pike Place incident, if you will…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
In the Japanese scenario, I could see it being a lot more phallic, okay. She’s frosting a pastry.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
She has a giant phallic tube, okay that is squirting white cream out onto a pastry, okay…
Jeff:
I am not eating any cupcakes at your house.
Casey:
All I’m saying is that is pretty fucking obvious in a sort of Freudian sense, okay. But now that we have the second data point, I couldn’t even see what her hands were doing.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So obviously, I don’t need to see anything. My brain fills it in.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It gets filled in, okay. I don’t need to be seeing that happen. So it’s not the visual aspect of it somehow. I only need to see the fact that she’s doing something like that, right.
Jeff:
Unless the Japanese incident was the proto incident…
Casey:
Okay, so it’s set up this…
Jeff:
Right, it was the thing…
Casey:
It put the thought into my brain and that was just reawakening.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s like a mushroom trip.
Jeff:
It’s the thing that started the skis. And then now, all you need is something that makes you reminisce back to that point in time.
Casey:
Maybe.
Jeff:
You don’t know. Or they could be something farther, you know, under hypnotherapy…
Casey:
I did not connect the two until later. And so, it wasn’t a direct reminiscing. I didn’t, like, go to this bakery and be like, “Oh, that reminds me of the time in Japan.” Like, that’s not what happened.
Jeff:
It definitely was not…
Casey:
Right? It was later. Yeah.
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. I did not say to the girl behind the counter, “You know, remind me of this girl who was making pastries behind a glass case in Japan.” Yeah.
Jeff:
“Can you hold this big pastry anointer?”
Casey:
Well, I was ordering a long, phallic-shaped piece of bread, right…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay. And unfortunately, I ended up with 2 pieces of other bread — 1 that I normally get which is called an epi which is basically like… If this was a long, phallic thing, it’s only for very S&M people 'cos it's barbed, right.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
It has sharp pieces that come off of it that you break off to eat.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So I don’t know what’s going on there. The other one was much more feminine.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Okay. It was a mountain loaf, alright. It was not a penis in any way. It was more like a breast or something.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
It was not at all phallic. So I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything. We’ll see.
Jeff:
Until I made a hole in it but yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Alright. Okay. That’s an excellent story.
Casey:
There you go.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So we’re running out of time here.
Jeff:
What have we got…
Casey:
Well, I was hoping to get something else. And I think we’ll have enough time for it. I’ll see if I could do it.
Jeff:
Yeah, we got…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Almost 20 minutes.
Casey:
I really enjoyed… As you can tell from listening to the podcast 2 podcasts ago, I really, really enjoyed when I… My attempting to predict something you would have a problem with — long line at the 7/11, right.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
And it turning out you did. And there was a good rant behind it and I was cracking up. Like, it was way better than I could’ve anticipated.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So I was trying to see if we could have that experience again. Now that I’ve had my baking fantasy twice…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Anything is possible in my world. I’m like, “Maybe the best things in life can happen multiple times,” right? You see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I’m a little scared. So what are you gonna… You’re gonna give me a situation and I’m…
Casey:
So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see… As I’ve been going around town…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright? When I see something that I think Jeff might think is no good, I wrote it down.
Jeff:
Okay, so just no good…
Casey:
So I have notes that I’m like… So I’m gonna read a thing off. You tell me if you think it’s okay or no good…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And then if it’s no good, you have to tell me… Well, in either case, tell me why.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Tell me why it’s no good or tell me why it’s fine.
Jeff:
So this is in the vein of, like, “people walking too slow”, no good…
Casey:
Right. Things you’ve said in the past were like “people crossing the street too slowly”, right?
Jeff:
Right, bad.
Casey:
“Long line at the 7/11”…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
“Old people with hats”…
Casey:
“Old people with hats”… These are things that I remember…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
You said, right.
Jeff:
Okay, I’m with you, I think.
Casey:
Okay. So my lead off one is “someone you don’t know falls down, they fall down”.
Jeff:
Okay. Wow.
Casey:
Good or no good?
Jeff:
No good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
No good. And let me tell you. Holy shit. This is weird.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
I go to… You know all my crazy sicknesses…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Lately…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I never get sick, pretty much.
Casey:
Yeah, it seems like you had a bad round of luck.
Jeff:
I’m not around the humans. I don’t get sick but I’ve been sick for a while.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I had a follow up visit…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
At the urologist about the kidney stones.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Sounds good already.
Jeff:
Yeah. I’m the only person in there under, like, 102, right.
Casey:
Right. Yep.
Jeff:
And like, my prostate is the only one smaller than a grapefruit.
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
I’m sitting there and they say, “Come in on time. ‘Cos you’re always late.”
Casey:
Uh… Okay.
Jeff:
That’s what they tell me.
Casey:
Really?
Jeff:
So I’m like, “Okay, jeez…”
Casey:
That’s pretty rude.
Jeff:
You know… Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
And especially ‘cos I go there and I wait anyway.
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, I go there and I get there on time. And of course, I’m sitting for, like, 20 minutes using the iPhone. I’m almost out of juice.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, this panicked lady comes in and goes, “An old woman has fallen down outside.” And nobody…
Casey:
Cares. Right.
Jeff:
Nobody does shit… I look around. Nobody’s getting up. And so I go, “Okay…” And not like any of the other 102-year old people can do it. They’re all like…
Casey:
Right, you’re the only person… Yeah…
Jeff:
“That sucks…”
Casey:
Yeah. It’s up to you. “We’re all we’ve got, Jeff.”
Jeff:
Apparently.
Casey:
“We’re all we’ve got.”
Jeff:
So I got out…
Casey:
“You’re our last chance.”
Jeff:
And there’s this lady. And she’s kind of out of it, right. She’s not there. She’s like, “My name is Louise.”
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
I guess… I’m like…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So…
Casey:
Her brain is a good 20 years older than it needs to be right now.
Jeff:
Yeah, apparently.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So she’s sitting there and her husband’s like, “She missed her step,” and she’s sitting there on the ground, on the thing. And I’m like, “Fuck.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And so, alright… I’m like, “Alright, Louise, hold on. I’m gonna lift you up.”
Casey:
Oh, that’s so nice of you.
Jeff:
So I go down and I grab her under the armpits, right…
Casey:
Yeah, sexy…
Jeff:
And I pick her up…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And she weighs… She seems pretty big but I think, like, I don’t know, you get old and your bones aren’t as dense. She was like…
Casey:
Oh, it wasn’t as much as you thought?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It was like kind of picking up a heft bag full of air.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It was like, whoop… She stood right up.
Casey:
Weird.
Jeff:
Right? And I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna just kinda lift you up into your seat,” in this SUV that they had.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I’m like, “You guys should get a running, you know, like a running thing.” So like, she goes, “Okay.” And I like, kind of grab her almost like I’m hugging her…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then I just kind of lean back so that her feet are off the ground…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And kind of walk forward and then set her in the chair.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
And then, rotate her around, like, Louise is in the car.
Casey:
Yep. Locked and loaded.
Jeff:
Okay. Right. So they… They’re like, “Oh, thank you, sonny,” and then drive off. I go back in and I’m all sweaty ‘cos it’s so hot.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And this is only… This is weird you said this. This is literally 2 days ago.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
I sit down. I look down at my shirt and I have old lady snot…
Casey:
Oh, man…
Jeff:
Smeared all over my shirt.
Casey:
Oh, nasty.
Jeff:
Old people falling down…
Casey:
Nasty.
Jeff:
No good.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
No good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That help?
Casey:
That was perfect.
Jeff:
I can’t believe you asked that one.
Casey:
That was perfect. Okay.
Jeff:
Because I was actually gonna do that on the podcast. I forgot.
Casey:
Well, now you have.
Jeff:
I totally forgot. It was this big… It was like I was glazed with old people. It was not a little. I don’t know what it was. It couldn’t all have been nose. I think when I “sqoze” her, it’s like…
Casey:
You “sqoze” her?
Jeff:
Yeah, I “sqoze” her and she oozed.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Ugh…
Casey:
That went even better than I could have hoped for for the first try. You’ve been in the airport lately?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Alright. So let me try an airport one. You see a group of people at the airport.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
They’re all wearing the same outfit.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Good or no good?
Jeff:
That is so no good, it’s not even funny. That is so no good. Like…
Casey:
I’m on a roll…
Jeff:
What kind of fucked up world that you can’t count how many people are in your group, first of? Second of, what kind of weird group do you have to be where the clothes that you chose to all wear all looks good on every one of you?
Casey:
Oh, yeah…
Jeff:
’Cos what happens is you’re gonna have… Like, let’s say it’s a volleyball team…
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “Hot girl, hot girl, hot girl, hot girl,” and there’s the spiker that’s, like, this heavy-set girl sqoze into these hot pants that usually have, like, some words on the ass…
Casey:
On the back. Yeah. Yes.
Jeff:
And they’re all like… Like, all the asses are good except one of the asses. And you’re like…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
“You don’t need to dress up like the rest.”
Casey:
The aspect ratio…
Jeff:
It’s all wrong.
Casey:
You set the wrong aspect ratio…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
ASS-pect ratio.
Jeff:
Right. And you can’t even read. So you’re like, “Something high…”
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
You know what… No. So, no.
Casey:
Like half of it’s swallowed in the crack, in between the butt cheeks. You don’t even know what words were in there.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
There might have been a whole other sentence in there.
Jeff:
No, not good at all.
Casey:
Yeah, not good.
Jeff:
Not good at all.
Casey:
Oh, that was…
Jeff:
I’ll tell you something else that’s not good — People on the moving sidewalks…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
That think it’s a ride.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They all just get on. They’re like, sitting there. I’m like, “This isn’t Disneyland. Make room.” I was late. I was trying to get to my gate.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
And I’m standing there behind these people that are talking, just riding the sidewalk.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s not what it’s for, people!
Casey:
It’s like the future. They feel like they’ve stepped into an Isaac Asimov screenplay, you know, or book. And they’re like, “Oh, the moving sidewalk. This is just wonderful.” Yeah.
Jeff:
This isn’t for lazy people. This is for people that…
Casey:
In a rush…
Jeff:
Need to get there faster…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah…
Jeff:
Than they can do by walking.
Casey:
Oh, that is so good.
Jeff:
Ugh…
Casey:
Alright, I’ll hit you with one more airport one.
Jeff:
You’ve got multiple airports. Alright.
Casey:
Well, I was trying to think of airport ones, as well, because I knew you’d been in an airport…
Jeff:
Because I’ve been… I see…
Casey:
So I was like… So it’ll be topical with my thought, right…
Jeff:
I see. Alright. So we’ve only had no goods.
Casey:
Yes. So far… I was expecting these to be, like, 50%. So far, we’re at 100%.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It seems like I’m bound to hit one. Okay. Someone gets on the airplane…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
With an instrument.
Jeff:
Oh, with like a guitar or something?
Casey:
It is a musical instrument.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Good or no good.
Jeff:
Absolutely no good. Check that shit. In fact, like when I was going to New York, there was some douche that… You know how you can tell a douche-ish-ness before… Like, you’re just…
Casey:
You don’t need to see them do anything other than round the corner?
Jeff:
Yeah, you’re like…
Casey:
They round the corner and you know…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“This guy’s been looking around for an overhead bin for, like, 30 minutes.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He was a douche. I knew he was a douche. And so I…
Casey:
“It’s not fitting.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“It’s not fitting in here.”
Jeff:
“It’s a guitar. It’s not going to…”
Casey:
“It’s not fitting.” Right.
Jeff:
“Can you put that under? No. You can’t. There’s no way it’s fitting under.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Anyway, so douche-master comes on and he… Like, I already knew. I saw him out in the opening. He was a douche. He comes on the plane with his guitar.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I’m like, “Here we fucking go.” It’s like, “Of course,” right? ‘Cos you know, okay, you take a guitar to, like, the park or a bar to pick up girls…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like, “I’m gonna take my guitar in the airplane and pick up someone with emphysema. And then we’re all gonna jones for cigarettes for 4 hours while we go to New York.” It’s like, no. It is no good. Do not… I wouldn’t even say this. It’s not necessarily bad or good that they bring it on the plane.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
It’s just if they do, they’re no good.
Casey:
Right. Okay. So it’s not the act that’s no good. It’s the indicator.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s the indicator that they’re no good, period.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
The person.
Jeff:
It’s like, “My instrument is so important to me. I can’t check that shit.”
Casey:
“It can’t go in the…” Yeah, “There’s no way, man.”
Jeff:
“It’s irreplaceable.”
Casey:
“There’s no way.” It was a 50 bucks guitar singer…
Jeff:
“I wrote this song about this girl once on this guitar and I got laid.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“So I’m not gonna risk that again.”
Casey:
Right. Absolutely.
Jeff:
No good.
Casey:
Only he didn’t get laid. He almost got laid.
Jeff:
He may have got laid.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
That’s the sad thing. It worked.
Casey:
Should I keep going until I hit a wrong one. I was expecting to get one wrong.
Jeff:
You made… So far, you’re putting them right…
Casey:
I guess I’m lobbing them all over the place, evidently.
Jeff:
You’re hitting right in the strikes. Do you want to do one more and then we’ll wrap up, I guess?
Casey:
Alright. Okay, last one. Someone is on the sidewalk…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And they have a clipboard.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Good or no good?
Jeff:
And you’re approaching them?
Casey:
Good or no good?
Jeff:
Okay. No good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. They’re either… And I’ve had this on 15th, up by your house, ‘cos you guys always want to walk places.
Casey:
Yeah, I love to walk.
Jeff:
And every time we walk, some fucked up shit happens.
Casey:
Okay. Okay.
Jeff:
And like…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Okay, the last time, there was this dude that was in front of the organic grocery that was trying to sign up people for the Green Party, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And you’re like, first of, so did you draw the thing where you didn’t have to do anything…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, is there somebody down in front of, like, the monster truck rally that’s like, “This job sucks.” Because you’re in front of the fucking organic grocery in Capital Hill in Seattle.
Casey:
Right, they’re all people who… Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like…
Casey:
If you can’t sign up someone for the Green Party…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In front of Madison Market…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You are the biggest fucking loser.
Jeff:
“Hi. I want to fuck up the election. Can I interest you in signing my petition? Because we think Prius’ are bad for the environment.” You’re like, “What? Excuse me? What? Fuck? Dick? What’s the matter with you?” Anyway, so yeah, he was trying to sign us up. And…
Casey:
Oh, man…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That must’ve went over like a red balloon.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, no. If I see somebody doing shat shit…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I’ll change to the other side of the street.
Casey:
Oh, you’ll just avoid at all costs?
Jeff:
Right. Yes.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I…
Casey:
You know, it starts the same way, too. Here’s how it starts, I’m telling you… How it normally starts is I get a lot more of this than you do since I’m walking. It’s always, “Do you have a minute for blah?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So, “Do you have a minute for the environment?” “Do you have a minute for the libertarian party?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Do you have a minute to change the country for the better?” Whatever…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s what it starts with.
Jeff:
And then you have to say…
Casey:
Right? They’re trying to put you in a position where you’re saying no, you don’t have a minute for the environment.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I don’t.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, you could’ve stopped at… So you stopped even before we got to clipboard… So for me, when I’m forced to walk with you guys…
Casey:
Okay. Someone is on the sidewalk is all I have to say.
Jeff:
Someone is on the sidewalk and I’m approaching. I’m like, “Let’s go to the other side.”
Casey:
So if they’re not moving…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
If the person on the sidewalk is not walking somewhere…
Jeff:
’Cos…
Casey:
That alone is no good. That’s no good.
Jeff:
’Cos they’re gonna ask for change…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They’re gonna say some shit like, “Well, you know, I’m stuck here. I was out of town…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“And you know, my car brokedown and I just need $5 to…”
Casey:
“To get to Tacoma.”
Jeff:
Stop.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just stop. I don’t want to hear your made-up story. If you want 5 bucks, you can have 5 bucks. Just…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
No. So if somebody’s on the sidewalk…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s enough.
Casey:
Right. So I went too far. I could’ve stopped at “there’s someone on the sidewalk”…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“And they’re not moving” is all we needed?
Jeff:
They could be moving.
Casey:
Even if they’re moving?
Jeff:
I don’t really care. I don’t like them. If I’m gonna have to pass someone… You know what else?
Casey:
Jesus Christ, Jeff…
Jeff:
Okay. You know what else I don’t like about people on the sidewalk?
Casey:
No, I don’t.
Jeff:
People walking too slow and you have to try to pass them. And you have to come up with a good time. ‘Cos if you’re two people and you can’t just barrel on past. You have to go single file or something around them.
Casey:
Oh, no. Okay.
Jeff:
So, you know what, just people on the sidewalk.
Casey:
Period?
Jeff:
Period.
Casey:
If they were just empty, it would be way better.
Jeff:
For me, yes.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
That’s it.
Casey:
That went so much better than I ever could’ve ever in my wildest dreams have hoped. Wow.
Jeff:
I sound a little grumpy, I think
Casey:
You’re a very pleasant person. You just have a lot of pet peeves, apparently.
Jeff:
Well, no. I just avoid those situations and I’m good.
Casey:
You do a very good job of not putting yourself in those positions.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know, the sidewalk thing is kind of… The moving sidewalk thing is part of that…
Casey:
It’s the same thing, kind of, isn’t it? Yeah. I didn’t think about that when you said it. But it certainly is.
Jeff:
People in the way, yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep, fuckers.
Casey:
Oh, it’s a good… I feel so…
Jeff:
You’re spent?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I’m gonna go look at some bread.”
Casey:
Ugh, don’t even. I don’t even know what to say about that. I don’t even know what to think about that. I didn’t expect to have that experience going on.
Jeff:
But in fact…
Casey:
I’m confused. My sex--… Here I am at 31 years old and somehow I’m confused about my… Yeah. I don’t understand.
Jeff:
I’m not eating any sandwiches or cupcakes at your house.
Casey:
Yeah. I guess… I’m feeling like soon I’m gonna come out of the closet, right. And it’s like, “My whole life, I’ve really wanted to date bakers.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And I just couldn’t face that somehow, right?
Jeff:
Right. “Society doesn’t like me liking bakers.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
They have a problem with it.
Casey:
It’s like a Romeo & Juliet situation.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Tech people can’t date bakers.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It doesn’t happen. It’s not okay, right?
Jeff:
It’s not okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They threaten marriage.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Because, like, if bakers and computer programmers started going together…
Casey:
They’d have coronary artery disease?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah. “Thanks, honey, for another pastry.”
Jeff:
We’re gonna lose all of our programmers…
Casey:
Yeah, “I haven’t moved in a month…” Yeah.
Jeff:
To obesity…
Casey:
Oh, God.
Jeff:
And they’ll all be getting in Jeff’s way on the sidewalk.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Ugh… Alright, everybody, I want to remind everybody to keep sending in your names for the podcast.
Casey:
If we haven’t already picked by the time this thing airs…
Jeff:
Yeah, by the time it airs…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And always email us at Podcast@MollyRocket.com.
Casey:
Podcast@MollyRocket.com. You can’t go wrong. You can’t go wrong with an email there. You’re gonna get something back that’s fabulous.
Jeff:
And remember, always tell at least one friend every week. And with this, everyone…
Casey:
You know what I just thought of?
Jeff:
What?
Casey:
What if we had treats? What if we had a treat that was like, “If you email Podcast@MollyRocket.com with something to say,” not just email but you actually email in something…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
No matter how lame it is, just something, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
You get a link back for an MP3 that isn’t posted publicly.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. A secret MP3…
Casey:
An outtake or something.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Do you think that’s a good idea?
Jeff:
Yeah. I think that would work.
Casey:
Alright, so maybe…
Jeff:
You may not get a unique one but you may get one that’s not posted.
Casey:
Well, you’re not gonna get a unique one but every week, people who email Podcast@MollyRocket.com with something to say…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Get…
Jeff:
I like it.
Casey:
You know, some little 1-minute clip that is not… You know…
Jeff:
I’m pro-bribery so…
Casey:
You think so?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright. I guess we’ll do it. So we’ll find one…
Jeff:
That…
Casey:
For this week, after this airs… If you send us an email at Podcast@MollyRocket.com, we will reply…
Jeff:
You send us an email…
Casey:
And in the reply, you will have it.
Jeff:
If you post on the forums, you get a secret Jeff & Casey Show outtake.
Casey:
How are we gonna send the people on the forums? I guess they…
Jeff:
We know their email.
Casey:
They have their email on there?
Jeff:
Yeah. We know most of them.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
Alright. Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
We’ll see you in a week.
Casey:
Excellent. Take it easy.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 20
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