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Bio
The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Mystery of the Disappearing Semen
"That's not where the medication goes."
Original air date: May 18th, 2008
Topics. Self-performance anxiety. Persona 3. Entry point. MegaTimer instructions. Retrograde. Women do/don’t like cars. Aciphex. Ferrari gas. Adversarial name consulting. Priest cars. Porn demotion. Pork and pumpkins. Tantric masturbation. Flow-max. Flaming toilet.
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Transcript
Jeff:
My whiskers are sticking in the screen. My whiskers are sticking in the screen. My whiskers are sticking in the screen. My whiskers are sticking in the screen. Whiskers, whiskers. Okay. I’m starting.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
That’s not what I meant.
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
Stopwatch start.
Casey:
See… Okay.
Jeff:
There you go.
Casey:
It’s gone to the point with the MegaTimer that people are going to think that you’re doing it on purpose for a laugh, okay?
Jeff:
No, you tell me not to read the instructions so that’s what happens.
Casey:
I’ve never told you not to read the instructions.
Jeff:
I told you that I was going to read the instructions. You’re like, “No, don’t. There’s too many buttons on there. It’s not worth your time.”
Casey:
Well, yeah… Okay, look, all I’m saying is that I don’t think people are going to believe that a preschool timing device is actually… That you’re not able to start it every single podcast. They’re not gonna believe that. At some point, they’re gonna be like, “He’s doing this for effect.”
Jeff:
No, the thing is I don’t… Like, I figured out how to always start the stopwatch portion of the thing. It’s good.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The problem is I don’t know how to turn… If I press the stopwatch…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, get it stopwatch mode…
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
Then what happens is I have to do that from the clock when it’s on the clock mode. When it’s already on stopwatch mode, it doesn’t do anything.
Casey:
It just does that sound it just did?
Jeff:
It doesn’t clear.
Casey:
What was that brrrrr thing?
Jeff:
No, no. That sound is when I choose random. And I think what that does is you press it, it chooses a random 4-digit… Two 2-digit numbers…
Casey:
And makes the noise?
Jeff:
While it’s choosing, it’s like, brrrrr…
Casey:
Oh, okay…
Jeff:
And then, it’s like, 6247 and you’re supposed to, I assume, say, “Alright, class, what’s 62 minus 47?”
Casey:
Okay, I see. I see.
Jeff:
So I go into random mode to clear the stopwatch mode.
Casey:
And then, you hit the… Okay.
Jeff:
Yes. So that’s why there’s usually a sound.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
You love it. So, hey, everybody. Welcome to the Casey & Jeff Podcast Show.
Casey:
Hello.
Jeff:
And it’s May 17…
Casey:
You don’t know what day it is, either?
Jeff:
Nope, I don’t.
Casey:
You look it up.
Jeff:
It is hot here in the Seattle.
Casey:
It is May 17th, you’re right on the money.
Jeff:
And what time is it?
Casey:
It is 4:27.
Jeff:
4:27, it’s still about 90 degrees.
Casey:
It’s really hot out today.
Jeff:
It’s hot in…
Casey:
It’s really hot out today.
Jeff:
In podcast studios, in our studio… In our sophisticated recording studio, it is hot. We have a fan on…
Casey:
The MegaTimer, which can read the temperature, said 82 degrees.
Jeff:
82 degrees and that’s directly in the fan’s path.
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
It’s way hotter than that. It’s brutal. I went… Did you go out and walk around?
Casey:
Yeah, outside, it’s way hotter than 82.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m talking about in here, it’s 82.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s still pretty awful.
Casey:
But yeah, outside, it’s 90. It’s gotta be 90 out there.
Jeff:
Yeah. I went and drove around today because it’s nice. I’m not usually a drive around…
Casey:
You put the top… I saw you… You were stylin’. I saw you drive the Aston Martin in here…
Jeff:
Yeah, I was driving around.
Casey:
With the top down. You had the sunglasses on.
Jeff:
It was nice weather. I was in…
Casey:
Were you picking up the ladies over in Belleview? What was happening there?
Jeff:
No, I just… You know what, I was just gonna come here and do some work. And then I was like… And I don’t usually do this. John Miles is particularly susceptible to this…
Casey:
He’s all about it.
Jeff:
It’s like, if he’s driving and it’s nice, he’ll just keep driving.
Casey:
Just keep on driving. Yeah.
Jeff:
In fact, he has… He’s told me a story before where he’s driving with Dave Stafford. It was so nice that they were just driving along and he forgot. And finally, Dave’s like, “Where are you going?”
Casey:
“Where are we?”
Jeff:
“Where are you going?” And John’s like… He missed the exit by 35 minutes. He just kept driving…
Casey:
Oh, my God.
Jeff:
He’s just like, “Oh, this is awesome.” I don’t usually do that…
Casey:
I can relate to that.
Jeff:
But it was so nice… There are a few sensations I like when driving. I wish there were more. You could isolate these like…
Casey:
With the kind of cars you drive, there could be more.
Jeff:
Well, no, like… I’m saying, like…
Casey:
That’s why I asked you if you were picking up the ladies.
Jeff:
There’s this particular… No, that’s a… I’m talking about, like, it’s sunny, the top’s down…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You have the radio so loud that you can’t quite hear the car. That’s important. And you’re going around, like, a corner that you can downshift into and break loose a little bit. It’s like, a perfect… Don’t blow on the ‘cast. You’re always blowing on the ’cast.
Casey:
I have allergies, okay?
Jeff:
I know. You’re allergic…
Casey:
Keep going. I wasn’t trying to interrupt your story.
Jeff:
You’re allergic to the podcast is what you’re allergic to.
Casey:
I wasn’t trying to interrupt your story. I was just trying to blow my nose.
Jeff:
Yeah, you did. But anyway, that’s one of… There’s a few that, in driving, that just feels so good that I wish there was just a whole bunch of right turns like a NASCAR track that.
Casey:
You can, right? Can’t you go down to a track around here? There’s tracks, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, but you know, they like it to be all driving. And I don’t… Like, the driving…
Casey:
Okay, so you can’t just cruise around.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You have to be going 150 or it’s not…
Jeff:
And driving’s fun but it’s tiring. It’s not…
Casey:
Right, ‘cos you have to concentrate…
Jeff:
Right. It’s not just a really good sensation. Like, there’s other good sensations like downshifting in a tunnel so you just like… It sounds really good. All those things… And so, yeah, so it’s nice. I drove around today. It was good.
Casey:
I see. But you did not pick up the ladies?
Jeff:
I didn’t pick up any ladies. In my experience…
Casey:
You just don’t do that. You’re not… You don’t do that.
Jeff:
No. In my experience…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The only people that are interested in cool cars are teenage boys…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
So priests…
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
No, priests… Yes.
Casey:
I mean, yes, that’s true…
Jeff:
Priests should have cool cars…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And then they would just get massive ass.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Teenage boy ass…
Casey:
No, I totally agree with you…
Jeff:
I’m knee deep in teenage boy ass is all I’m saying.
Casey:
I totally agree with you that priests would get all kinds of 12-year old ass…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
In a… Whatever, right? But I’m also… I know from experience that one time… I’ve only driven with you in the… Remember the old Ferrari?
Jeff:
Yeah?
Casey:
The… What was it? I don’t know. It was like a 360…
Jeff:
The Spider?
Casey:
Right? Or something like that?
Jeff:
Yeah, the Spider, yeah, sure…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by old, I don’t mean… It’s obvious… It was, like, brand new. But I mean like you got rid of it eventually or something like that.
Jeff:
Yes. The Ferrari was a disaster.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Nobody should own Ferraris.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Except it’s something like a piece of art in a room.
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
Not to drive… Don’t drive it.
Casey:
No, don’t drive it.
Jeff:
I never… You know, I never filled that car up with gas.
Casey:
Because you never had to drive it long enough to actually have it…
Jeff:
It always broke and went back to the dealership and they’d top it off.
Casey:
And they filled it for you. Awesome.
Jeff:
Never had to put gas in it.
Casey:
And that was a brand new… Basically… It had, like, a thousand miles on it. It wasn’t like some old 1970’s Ferrari that’s like, “Oh, it breaks down.” No. It’s like, this was new.
Jeff:
They should advertise that. “You do not need to put gas in our cars.”
Casey:
You do not need to put gas in it. We will take care of it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But I remember driving with you in the Ferrari and we pulled into the fucking, like, down… Not Park Place. The market that down… Whatever that is, the place where you get the Chicle Sticks, you know what I’m talking about?
Jeff:
I love a good Chicle Sticks.
Casey:
It’s like, the Quick-E Mart.
Jeff:
How come we haven’t had Chicle Sticks at the podcast?
Casey:
I looked today for you.
Jeff:
I like…
Casey:
They don’t carry them there anymore.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
You have to get them somewhere else. They… We pulled into that parking lot, okay, and every woman in a fucking…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
Mile radius…
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
Looked at the car. I remember this. I remember this.
Jeff:
You were imagining it.
Casey:
No, I was not.
Jeff:
Women do not care about cars.
Casey:
You are wrong. You are just flat out wrong.
Jeff:
I’ve had a million fancy cars.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
I am a car guy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They don’t give a shit.
Casey:
No, yes they do.
Jeff:
No, they don’t.
Casey:
You are doing it wrong. You are doing it wrong. Yes, they do.
Jeff:
No, I’m sorry. It doesn’t happen.
Casey:
Dude, I was there.
Jeff:
You could be there… Maybe…
Casey:
You weren’t paying attention.
Jeff:
Maybe you were just looking really good and they were looking at you.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Because they don’t care about the car, I promise.
Casey:
I can tell the difference between someone who’s looking at me and someone who’s looking at e car.
Jeff:
Yes…
Casey:
It’s not ambiguous…
Jeff:
Yeah, I’m sorry, my friend. I don’t know about that.
Casey:
Okay. You’re just plain wrong but okay.
Jeff:
I’m sweating…
Casey:
Moving on…
Jeff:
It’s hot. It’s hot.
Casey:
We have an order of business in this podcast.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
This is not normally… We don’t normally have orders of business. We have topics sometimes…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
That we plan to talk about.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But we don’t have orders of business. And today, we have an actual order of business to take care of…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Before we get to the podcast…
Jeff:
Go any further…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And that is that Sean has suggested, and perhaps rightfully so, that we select a safe word…
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
To use in the future when things get out of hand. And by out of hand, he usually means that I have lost control and I am yelling…
Jeff:
So, like…
Casey:
And you need to calm me down.
Jeff:
You would use it when the MegaTimer’s just going on, beeping too long. You’d be like, “safe word, safe word”…
Casey:
No, I don’t think I would probably be using the safe word…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because all those things… Like, the MegaTimer just incites me. So you would need to use it to calm me back down…
Jeff:
I see. After…
Casey:
After the MegaTimer…
Jeff:
To bring it on down.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Okay. Do you have any ideas yet?
Casey:
No, I don’t. So what we need to do here is think of what the appropriate safe word should be.
Jeff:
I see. I see.
Casey:
And then, we need to go with that safe word.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, it has to be…
Casey:
Well, it needs to be calming. It needs to be a soothing… Like, aloe…
Jeff:
Well, it also has to be a word that doesn’t come up in normal conversation.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
That’s an important thing.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Because your safe word can’t be something that would accidentally come up.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yeah. So, yeah…
Casey:
How, about “pork & pumpkins”?
Jeff:
“Pork & pumpkins”?
Casey:
If you scream “pork & pumpkins”?
Jeff:
That’s kinda hard to say, “pork & pumpkins”… How about just “pumpkin”? I like “pumpkin”.
Casey:
“Pumpkin”?
Jeff:
Yeah, “pumpkin fucker”.
Casey:
No, it sounds like you’re fucking calling me “pumpkin”.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
That’s terrible.
Jeff:
“Pumpkin, can you shut up?” “Pumpkin…”
Casey:
“Could you be a lamb and just quiet down?”
Jeff:
Yeah, and shut the fuck up…
Casey:
I don’t know, what do you think?
Jeff:
I like “pork”.
Casey:
“Dandelion”?
Jeff:
I like “pork”.
Casey:
“Pork & pumpkins”?
Jeff:
“Pork & pumpkins”, that’ll be the safe phrase.
Casey:
Alright. “Pork & pumpkins”. “Pork & pumpkins”. Say it…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And that’s the safe word.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. So with that out of the way, “pork & pumpkins”…
Jeff:
Mhmm…
Casey:
We have… Okay. So “pork & pumpkins”, that brings us to the regular part of the podcast…
Jeff:
Yeah, we’re back on schedule.
Casey:
Yeah. Although, there is one other thing that I wanted to add, too.
Jeff:
All business. This is new business.
Casey:
Right. This is all new stuff. One thing I did want to ask you is now that you’ve had time to recover from the stones, is everything okay?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Last time, we heard that you’re fine…
Jeff:
I’ve been working out, you know? If you remember the last podcast…
Casey:
That’s right. We talked about… You were on the jackass drugs…
Jeff:
Jackass drugs…
Casey:
And you were working out…
Jeff:
And I was working out heavy.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And hard and I have big guns.
Casey:
Sure. Yeah, you’re huge.
Jeff:
But yeah… No, I wanted to tell you another story because they gave me a separate drug that had a separate but equally embarrassing…
Casey:
Oh, that we didn’t cover in the previous one?
Jeff:
Right. And this was… This is…
Casey:
This is for stone recovery?
Jeff:
Yeah. This is for stone recovery.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And this is something that… It was personally embarrassing because it only happened in a context that I would know about and yet, I’m sharing this for the listeners…
Casey:
You’re taking one for the team.
Jeff:
I’m taking one for the team.
Casey:
You’re hopping on the hand grenade.
Jeff:
Yeah, so one of the…
Casey:
Well, not really hopping on the hand grenade.
Jeff:
This will actually be a good test. We may get some “pork & pumpkins” out of you halfway.
Casey:
Okay. For me?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So, you know… By the way, “punkin” is good because I say that Utah style…
Casey:
P-U-N-K.
Jeff:
Yeah, with an N instead of an M.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So get used to it, pumpkin.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
So… Okay. So yeah, so… One of the drugs they give you after they give you this lithotripsy where they…
Casey:
Now, lithotripsy is when they’re breaking up using ultrasound, right? Is that what that word is?
Jeff:
Well, no. It wasn’t ultrasound. I actually…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s what it is but I actually asked him and he was really… He was excited to tell me about it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s electromagnetic and they use a big parabolic sphere…
Casey:
To focus them?
Jeff:
To focus… It’s only 1 entry point, not 2, which I didn’t know about, too. So they can actually…
Casey:
Yeah, I’ve heard that before.
Jeff:
They can actually focus energy, feet away from you, powerful enough to break something up, which is kinda creepy. So if you can make a big enough parabolic emitter…
Casey:
Whoa…
Jeff:
You could really fuck somebody up. But yeah, I was like, “What?” And he said, “Now, here’s another…”
Casey:
That is like a fucking military project waiting to happen, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
’Cos like, you can…
Jeff:
They have those weird pain things so it’s probably similar…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like the pain gun you saw the videos of…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Where at hundreds of yards, they can make you feel like you’re on fire but not. It’s just…
Casey:
It’s so weird.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s creepy.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, I was like, “Wow. I thought it was ultrasound.” He’s like, “No, we’re way beyond that.” They do have ones that use sparkplugs that generate an amount of kinetic energy that is then focused. But this is actually all electromagnetic…
Casey:
How come… But wait. How come they can’t do that shit for tumors?
Jeff:
I don’t know. Maybe…
Casey:
’Cos it would be way better because you wouldn’t get any dose.
Jeff:
Yeah, the thing is it does have a lot of surrounding tissue damage…
Casey:
So the focusing is not good enough?
Jeff:
Well, it’s not… It is precise where the maximum power is. It’s just…
Casey:
There’s too much scattering…
Jeff:
Yeah, there’s a cone… It makes a cone from the parabola down to the point in that…
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
In that part of the triangle…
Casey:
Right. As it gets smaller and smaller…
Jeff:
Yeah. You got issues.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, it’s not a huge… For tissue, it’s not that bad. I don’t know, it might just totally scramble your brain or something but…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah. Tumors are one of things where you kind of feel like we’re at the cusp of where they’re gonna solve those non-invas--…
Casey:
Yeah. Solve the tumor problem?
Jeff:
Yeah. Like, it feels like cancer is one of those things they’re gonna get a handle on. And all of a sudden, the second order effects of cancer are gonna be the harder part like what tissues they damaged while they grew…
Casey:
While they’re doing it…
Jeff:
And all that. So…
Casey:
I guess they sort of are at that point. It’s just in the… Like, they could already remove any tumor, probably…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But it might be catastrophic to you…
Jeff:
Doing so, yeah.
Casey:
Doing so… So they’re already kind of at the point that the second order thing is the thing. It’s like, yeah…
Jeff:
Yeah, I think we’re…
Casey:
But we’re not quite at the point where it’s just incidental.
Jeff:
Yeah, because the delivery mechanisms are getting very good and all that…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I think it’s kind of a… That’s the one you can kind of see the end of…
Casey:
There’s just gonna be a drive-through soon. You just, like, go to McDonalds and they’re like, “Where’s your tumor?”
Jeff:
They’re probably gonna be….
Casey:
Like, “It’s over here.”
Jeff:
There’s gonna probably be way less invasive than things like LASIK and stuff like that…
Casey:
The colonoscopy?
Jeff:
Or colonoscopy, the drive-through colonoscopy…
Casey:
The automated anal probe?
Jeff:
Yep, totally.
Casey:
Well, okay. So what’s the story? You’re on some drug…
Jeff:
Oh, okay. So, yeah, they gave me this drug. And what it is is it’s called Flomax.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And what it’s for is… It’s normally for people who have prostate problems. They go to pee, they can’t pee.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They have to pee, they cannot.
Casey:
They cannot pee.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
This is not what they gave it to me for.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
They gave it to me for… They’re just like, “You’re gonna be peeing out stones. You gotta…”
Casey:
Now, Flomax sounds just like a feminine hygiene product.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That was my first thought. When you said it, I was like, “Okay…” But it’s not. It’s for males. It’s for men.
Jeff:
Yes. It’s for men.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
For men. So anyway, it makes…
Casey:
Flomax for men…
Jeff:
Yes. It’s for, like, generally pretty old men who can’t pee anymore.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
They take this and it’s like back to Vi--… I said Viagra. I meant Niagara. But that’s gonna be important here in a moment.
Casey:
Little slip-up?
Jeff:
Because this is the beginning of the story. I haven’t got to the personal embarrassing part.
Casey:
In my head now, I have come up with multiple ways the story could be going. And they are all frightening.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Pork & pumpkins. Pork & pumpkins.
Jeff:
I told you. Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. Go ahead.
Jeff:
So this was… I don’t know. This was before the last podcast. It was, like, 10 days ago.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So when I just started taking it…
Casey:
So this is a diuretic.
Jeff:
No. It shrinks the prostate so that you can pee more.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
That’s all it does. There’s no other…
Casey:
Okay, so it doesn’t encourage…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Urination that wouldn’t have already happened…
Jeff:
No, no. Right.
Casey:
It’s just unblocking the urine if it was there.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It just makes it easier for things to flow.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
That’s all.
Casey:
Okay, so you’ve got a prostate shrinker.
Jeff:
Yeah, so I got the prostate shrinker.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
So anyway, about 10 days ago…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I wake up and I’m checking some mail and such.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I end up… Well, I’m not gonna say where I was.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But I was using my computer…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And something happened…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Down below.
Casey:
Got it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
There was a physiological change…
Casey:
Of some kind…
Jeff:
Right? That happens to men.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
In the morning.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So I’m like, “Well, I guess I need to take care of this.”
Casey:
“I’m gonna have to handle this.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Before I go to work…”
Jeff:
Yes, right.
Casey:
Because there’s limited options at the workplace for dealing with this kind of a problem…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Whereas at home…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
There are a plethora…
Jeff:
In the comfort of your home.
Casey:
Of possible ways in which this could be dealt with.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So I take care of the problem…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
In the way that men and teenagers do. The problem is solved.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
The problem is over at this point.
Casey:
Or so you think…
Jeff:
Or so I think…
Casey:
That’s what I’m getting from you.
Jeff:
Then I was like… Now, when you are finished dealing with this problem…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
You have a new problem which is the clean-up of this problem.
Casey:
Well, that’s not really a problem…
Jeff:
Well, of course. But, like, it’s something that you have to deal with.
Casey:
Right. It’s not a problem. It’s part of the work involved.
Jeff:
Okay. Sure.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s not usually something that requires solving…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s just something that requires effort.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which is different.
Jeff:
Okay. So I get to the point where I’m like, “Okay. I am back to normal…”
Casey:
Yes. Everything’s fine.
Jeff:
Everything’s fine except… I’m like… There’s nothing there. There’s nothing to clean up. At all. And I’m like… And I felt like…
Casey:
Uh… That’s odd.
Jeff:
Yes. And I’m like, “What happened to it?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I’m like, looking around. Maybe something happened. I’m like, maybe it…
Casey:
That’s frightening.
Jeff:
Went into the other room…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe, like, it…
Casey:
Maybe you had a surprisingly forceful…
Jeff:
I don’t know… Yes…
Casey:
Explosive, if you will…
Jeff:
I had no idea, especially…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yes. I’m like, “Something is odd.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I could not discover where it went.
Casey:
Right. Right.
Jeff:
And so, I’m like, “I guess I’ll go to work.”
Casey:
Where’s the wet spot? Where’s the wet spot? It’s not…
Jeff:
Yes. I guess…
Casey:
It is not locatable..
Jeff:
Yes, I’m not trying to be…
Casey:
There’s no… And it’s not, like… It’s not a magnetic substance.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You can’t sweep for it.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
It’s just gone.
Casey:
There’s no way to detect it. It is not GPS-enabled. Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m like, “Well, this is gonna be a problem later on.”
Casey:
Yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
“But for right now, I better go to work.”
Casey:
You need LoJack in there.
Jeff:
Yes. So this was a mystery.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Wrapped in an enigma, right?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Like, a black hole formed at the precise moment, destroyed the evidence…
Casey:
Right, right, right…
Jeff:
And then, collapsed upon itself…
Casey:
That’s the best…
Jeff:
That started a new universe…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Where I am God in this universe.
Casey:
And that was your only explanation you could think of at the time?
Jeff:
It’s all I could come up with at 9 in the morning.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. Anyway, I’d forgotten about this. You know how you forget and it’s like, “Well…” You just kinda have a… I’m a little semi-disturbed…
Casey:
Right, right…
Jeff:
But, like, I don’t have an explanation.
Casey:
It’s like, “Ah, it’s fine.”
Jeff:
Anyway…
Casey:
“I’m sure I’ll step on it later.”
Jeff:
I was watching… Yes.
Casey:
“It will be all dry at this point but…”
Jeff:
No. Stop it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway, I was watching TV and they have a commercial for Flomax, right. And you know at the end of the commercial where they’re, like, you know, “You might see spots. You might have this. You might have this.” One of the things…
Casey:
Oh, no…
Jeff:
One of the things they quickly go by is retrograde ejaculation. And I was like, “Hey, now. Wait a minute.”
Casey:
What the fuck?
Jeff:
“Wait a minute.” Exactly…
Casey:
That is not an acceptable symptom.
Jeff:
Exactly… So I go…
Casey:
Unacceptable symptom.
Jeff:
I didn’t know what that was.
Casey:
I don’t want to know what that… That sounds…
Jeff:
I went and I had to look what it was and I’m like, “Mystery solved, Sherlock.”
Casey:
Now, is this dangerous? Is retrograde ejaculation?
Jeff:
No. Apparently, there are men that only have this. But, yes… So…
Casey:
No, for long. ‘Cos how do they reproduce?
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
You’d think that would’ve been weeded out of the gene pool long ago.
Jeff:
I don’t know what it is but it’s, like… It’s on the way out. It takes a U-turn from one place up into your kidneys. That’s what happens.
Casey:
But what happens to it in the kidneys?
Jeff:
It just dissolves or whatever. It’s fine. They’re like… No, this doesn’t hurt you. And a lot of people have it their whole life. But it’s like, “I don’t care about that.” It’s like…
Casey:
That is freaky.
Jeff:
At least I knew what happened. Actually, I thought, like… They should advertise that as a good thing…
Casey:
As a feature.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s like, “Look…”
Casey:
Yeah. “No more mess.”
Jeff:
“Are you changing your teenage son’s sheets every day? Put him on Flomax.”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway…
Casey:
That is…
Jeff:
That is… More personally…
Casey:
You know what, I’m gonna pop a few Flomax before I take care of business here.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m just not in the mood for…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m out of tissues.
Jeff:
So that’s my second embarrassing story in a row.
Casey:
That is an awesome story.
Jeff:
No. It’s only awes--…
Casey:
And not only is that an awesome story but I feel like our listeners have learned something. This has been a medically educational program for them.
Jeff:
So when you see the…
Casey:
There’s probably someone out there listening to the podcast right now who’s like, “That’s what’s been wrong with me this whole time. Now I know it’s fine.”
Jeff:
There’s probably other retrograde syndrome’s, as well.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like retrograde, you know…
Casey:
Mucus…
Jeff:
Yeah. You can’t… You try to blow your nose and it shoots out your ears or something.
Casey:
No, it goes down your throat.
Jeff:
Oh, God.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Let’s not go there.
Casey:
We’ve all been there.
Jeff:
Anyway, that’s my second embarrassing story in a row for our listeners. It could’ve been a private little mystery solved by Jeff for his own amusement but…
Casey:
Yeah. I guess… You know what, I think the process of shipping computer software… I know there are many companies who have had a retrograde product shipment where, like, it sort of didn’t go out the door. It kind of just went back into the studio for more work.
Jeff:
They try to shoot it out.
Casey:
Yeah. Like, Windows, right?
Jeff:
And the Beta spit it right back.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like, “Whoa, baby.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So I… While we’re on the subject of medications…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Ryan Ellis…
Jeff:
He’s gonna kick your ass for using him as the segue from my awful story.
Casey:
No, he’s not. He’s gonna be delighted.
Jeff:
Okay. He’s gonna be happy.
Casey:
Pointed out something to me that is inconceivable.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It is simply not possible and yet it happened.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There is a new medication on the market for the prevention and treatment of acid reflux.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
The…
Jeff:
Lots of people have that.
Casey:
Lots of people have that, I guess.
Jeff:
Too much crazy food.
Casey:
I was blessed with an Italian stomach so I’ve never experienced these problems.
Jeff:
You can eat anything.
Casey:
I can eat anything and I don’t get sick.
Jeff:
And you do.
Casey:
I don’t vomit. I don’t whatever…
Jeff:
You had octopus salad with lamb chops the other day…
Casey:
That is not unusual, okay, that is just…
Jeff:
Your stomach is… No. It was like a fucking Beatles song. Ringo Starr was in your stomach…
Casey:
Dude, no, that…
Jeff:
Under the sea…
Casey:
Okay. That is fucking Mediterranean food.
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
That’s what an Italian normally eats.
Jeff:
Yeah, good luck with that octopus.
Casey:
Whatever, okay. Back it up.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
The point of the story is not that. The point of the story is the medication which they introduced for this…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The new medication is… I don’t know how to pronounce it properly. It’s Rabeprazole Sodium.
Jeff:
Razzle dazzle…
Casey:
Whatever it is.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That’s the actual medical thing, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So they’re like…
Jeff:
Wait, that’s not the brand name?
Casey:
No, that’s not the brand name. It’s Rabeprazole Sodium…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Is the chemical that they introduced, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
But they always have a brand name for it, right? ‘Cos they’re like, “No one’s gonna remember that.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Ask your doctor about Rabeprazole Sodium 14,” you know, or whatever…
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
They’re not gonna remember that. So what would you name this thing, right? There’s a million different things that you could…
Jeff:
Razzle dazzle, I’m telling you.
Casey:
Sure, whatever. And it usually is that, right? It’s usually a play on the chemical name in some way or something about what it does, right? So if it reduces acid reflux, it’s some stupid thing like Acid Away…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or Acidaway or something, right? Whatever…
Jeff:
Flux-be-gone… The Fluxcapacitor.
Casey:
The name they picked for this (and I’m not making this up) is Aciphex.
Jeff:
Awesome. Aciphex?
Casey:
A-C-I-P-H-E-X.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Aciphex. It is… I am not mispronouncing that. In the add, they say, “Ask your doctor about Aciphex.”
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
How do you have that happen.
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
There’s no way that can happen in the real world, right? This is the same thing with the Enteron thing. Like, people spend thousands and thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of Dollars ding research on product naming…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
How do you end up with Aciphex?
Jeff:
That’s awesome. Well, we’ve talked a little briefly about bad… People taking names of things that are just funny to them…
Casey:
Yeah. Right…
Jeff:
That have bad connotations like the picture framer called Framer Versus Framer.
Casey:
Framer Versus Framer, yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re just like, “Oh… Not good…”
Casey:
Yeah. Well, I agree with that but those are, like, mom & pop shops.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay? This is a major pharmaceutical company who has spent millions of Dollars researching this drug…
Jeff:
Maybe…
Casey:
Getting it through the FDA and all the regulatory bullshit, a huge marketing campaign with TV spots, and they’re like, “It’s Aciphex.”
Jeff:
Well, you know the best…
Casey:
It’s Aciphex.
Jeff:
You know the best thing is when they make the cheap 3rd party knock-offs like at Wal-Mart. It’s gonna be, like, “Wal-Ac” or “Ac-Wal”.
Casey:
“Buttephex”…
Jeff:
No, they all have “Wal” in them at Wal-Mart…
Casey:
Oh, right, for Wal-Mart. Right, right…
Jeff:
So it’s gonna be Wal-Mart… No, what’s the… Walgreens.
Casey:
Walgreens.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Walgreens, yeah.
Jeff:
Where they’re all, like, everything is Wal-something. So yeah, Wal-ac or…
Casey:
Aci-Wal… Aci-Green…
Jeff:
Wow, now that’s pretty…
Casey:
So I thought that was… I figured I’d mention that while we were on the topic.
Jeff:
Awesome. You know, the thing is, maybe they did some research and… I would totally, given the choice of two reflux medicine, choose the one called Aciphex just for my own amusement.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Maybe they did this and it’s like, “Most people that have acid reflux laugh at jokes about the ass.”
Casey:
Like that, so it’s like Aciphex…
Jeff:
Yeah. “This’ll be awesome.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, that might usher in a whole… Then it wouldn’t be called Flomax.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’d be like, Pain-be-gone or something crazy like… They’ll just go for it, right?
Casey:
Retropooter.
Jeff:
Yeah. They’ll just go for it. Retropoot. Oh, man. No.
Casey:
Wheremyspunkat.
Jeff:
Stop it right now.
Casey:
So, here’s what I think.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I think I have a solution to this problem. I think I know what is wrong with corporate America.
Jeff:
And you’re gonna fix it.
Casey:
I’m gonna take a cue from the legal system.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So here’s the problem. What happens is these companies hire a consulting firm to work out the name, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
The problem with that is it is not an adversarial process, right?
Jeff:
Yes, right.
Casey:
It is just some consultants who don’t know anything about anything, sitting around… Right?
Jeff:
That’s got to be one of the best jobs in the world.
Casey:
Oh, God. Yeah. Certainly.
Jeff:
Just, like, product consultant.
Casey:
Yeah. Oh, man. And consulting in general…
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
It’s like…
Jeff:
Well, no. Consulting… Like, product consultant has got to be, like, as performance unrelated as advertising.
Casey:
Right. It doesn’t matter…
Jeff:
Like, you can get them to try everything.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
This is the thing, right? So feedback loops are important in all aspects of society, right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Nobody appreciates them but they govern everything.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
It’s like, people maximize their positive feedback wherever they are, right? And so, what consulting is, basically… The kind that we’re talking about, right, I’m not talking about a consultant who does a specific job on contract…
Jeff:
Right, right, right…
Casey:
Where there are metrics involved.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Like, coding could be this way…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Where, like…
Jeff:
That’s fine. Right.
Casey:
You can verify if the thing you’re getting…
Jeff:
Particularly product…
Casey:
Right, product consultant or marketing consulting, like these sorts of things like that…r
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is that you’re basically taking someone who was in a situation where they didn’t have to have any feedback at all, right? They just went there and told you a bunch of shit and then left.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They’re doing that many times. So you’re getting someone who, by definition, has had no experience. No matter how much experience they’d actually had…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They had none.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? And you’re paying extra…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
For that.
Jeff:
For that, yeah…
Casey:
Okay? You’re paying more than you would have been paying for someone who has literally no experience by the feedback definition of experience.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? The only feedback that they received was from a company that felt like they needed their advice, right? So that person obviously doesn’t know.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because if they knew, they wouldn’t need to hire you.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
“We need someone who thinks outside the box.”
Casey:
Right. Yeah.
Jeff:
“We need someone outside the company and we’re willing to…”
Casey:
“Aciphex. Get the guy who came up with Aciphex.”
Jeff:
Right. Totally.
Casey:
He’s hot.
Jeff:
And you know, if Aciphex fails, they’ll be like, “Yeah, you know, we had a whole concept for Aciphex.”
Casey:
Yeah. And they didn’t execute on the Aciphex concept.
Jeff:
They didn’t execute it.
Casey:
“Where’s the flaming butt print logo…”
Jeff:
Yeah, “That we said,” right…
Casey:
“That I said with t-shirts and the belt [ sound ].”
Jeff:
“Where’s the SMS farts that we licensed…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, the smell fart…
Jeff:
“And then we sent to the phones…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“They wouldn’t pay for it. They fucked the whole thing up, those cocksuckers at Aciphex… It has nothing…” It’s never their fault. It’s always the product’s fault.
Casey:
Well, they don’t get viral marketing. They don’t get viral marketing. Aciphex is a viral phrase, right? And they just don’t understand…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
The new marketing.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So, here’s my proposal for fixing this. I’m going to start a company…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That is an adversarial name consultant.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So when you get the people who come up with Aciphex, right, then you send the product proposal to us and we send you back all of the ways in which people will make fun of your shit.
Jeff:
Perfect.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Just like kids in first grade.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
No matter what your name is…
Casey:
And that may be exactly what we have.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
We may have, like… Not first grade because their brains haven’t had enough input yet…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But right at the sweet spot, like, 15…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Where they don’t have any sensibility but they’ve got the data… We’ll have a room of them…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And we’ll just write the word on the blackboard and they’d go to town, right? And they’d get M&M's every time something happens that we're like, “That’s funny,” right? So here’s what happens, right. With Aciphex, it’s like a cakewalk, right? We’re just stealing money. We won’t even charge you. That’s a gimme…
Casey:
Alright. So this was a news article…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That you sent me.
Jeff:
I send you good links.
Casey:
You do send me good links. And this one actually is… Usually, what you do is send me… Like for example, this week, I received an email from you.
Jeff:
Uh-huh…
Casey:
That was a photograph of a man in, like, a bear outfit. That was what you sent me.
Jeff:
Yeah. I sent it and just said, “Run the fuck away.”
Casey:
You took the time…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
To send me an email of a man in a bear costume doing nothing in particular…
Jeff:
You didn’t notice that…
Casey:
And you sent the subject that was “Run away”, or something.
Jeff:
Yeah, run the fuck away.
Casey:
What is the deal?
Jeff:
You didn’t notice then, did you?
Casey:
Obviously not. Maybe it would’ve helped if the email had…
Jeff:
No, because that was…
Casey:
Why I should care…
Jeff:
No, like… That came up on one website…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Of like, scariest photo of… You know how it’s like “Scary Photo of the Day”?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That in particular, if you noticed, he’s in a bear suit.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay? And the place where bear suit comes together is along his front…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
With a Velcro, right? The Velcro is separating places down his chest. It’s clear that you can see that in the bear suit, he’s fully nude inside that bear suit. And it’s like…
Casey:
Oh. Oh, I see why you sent it to me now.
Jeff:
I’m saying.
Casey:
(No, I do not!) I don’t care if he’s a fucking space alien underneath the bear suit.
Jeff:
I was fucking…
Casey:
Who cares?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
You don’t bother forwarding that to me.
Jeff:
I will forward it to you. That’s the price you pay. I’m gonna send you scary shit…
Casey:
The price I pay for what?
Jeff:
The good stuff I send you.
Casey:
For animal videos?
Jeff:
Yeah, sure.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Well, what was the…
Casey:
This that you sent me, the one that I was actually talking about…
Jeff:
[ Bear force 5 ]…
Casey:
Is “780,000 Porn Site Hits Ears Demotion”.
Jeff:
Oh, the Japanese dude?
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So this is about a Japanese guy who, on his work computer, was logging 780,000 porn site hits.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Somewhere around 120,000 porn site hits a day.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I mean, not day, sorry. A month.
Jeff:
A month, right. Okay.
Casey:
And eventually, they decided they had to demote him for this.
Jeff:
Yes.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Here you go, whatever,” right? But for harder names…
Jeff:
“Your product… Just for your information, your product that’s called Aciphex is called ASSiphex.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Done.
Casey:
“People might read into the name by using ‘Ass’ in the place where the name has ‘Ac’ in it.”
Jeff:
Yes, just a little…
Casey:
“They might replace ‘Ac’ with ‘Ass’ when they say your name, which would be a bad image for your product to have…”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Especially since it doesn’t involve your ass. It’s not a suppository, for starters. Anyway… Like, even if you were trying to convey a message with ‘ass’, you’re conveying the wrong message. It doesn’t go there.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“It’s not where the medication goes.” Anyway… So that, I think, would be, A, a huge amount of profit for me…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And, B, save the world from these problems of people naming their companies things…
Jeff:
Right. And C, you’d enjoy the shit out of it because…
Casey:
Oh, God. Wouldn’t you love to go to work every day?
Jeff:
You cannot make… I cannot give you a name of something…
Casey:
That I don’t… Yeah.
Jeff:
Without you immediately…
Casey:
Yeah, I ass-ify things.
Jeff:
“Let’s go get a smoothie.” “Oh, you mean an Emerald Shitty smoothie?”
Casey:
Emerald Shitty smoothie. Yeah.
Jeff:
And like, what? Oh, God. So no, you’d be… Yeah, you’d be good at that. I agree. Yes.
Casey:
Oh, you know what? Maybe I actually will do this. I could easily put up a website that does this for you.
Jeff:
No, so…
Casey:
You just put the name of your business in and it comes up with anything that’s just an easy Soundex permutation of the thing, right?
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
It’s like, “Here are some things people will call you when they get bad customer service,”right?
Jeff:
That’s awesome. Soundex is the worst algorithm…
Casey:
I know. I didn’t mean Soundex.
Jeff:
In the history of man.
Casey:
I mean something good.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Yeah. Anyway, so fuck Soundex… So, yeah, that was… Sorry, that all led from Aciphex…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But anyway…
Jeff:
Alright… Wow, we burned half the podcast on that.
Casey:
We did burn half the podcast. This is gonna have to be a 2-parter.
Jeff:
Oh, alright.
Casey:
This will be a 2-parter.
Jeff:
I’m down for a 2-parter. Let’s keep the 2-parter up.
Casey:
Keep it rolling.
Jeff:
Yeah, so everybody…
Casey:
Double up…
Jeff:
Yeah. Be prepared.
Casey:
Double up…
Jeff:
You’re not gonna get the full. You’re gonna get a half load.
Casey:
Yeah, half… We always…
Jeff:
And then the second load…
Casey:
We’re gonna retrograde podcast.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Some of it will go back up into the podcast…
Jeff:
And then release at a later time.
Casey:
And then come out later, yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In your urine. If it goes in your kidney…
Jeff:
This is a retrograde poodcast.
Casey:
I’m not sure why. They did not say…
Jeff:
He was using 100% of the bandwidth.
Casey:
That could be.
Jeff:
How old is he? Does it say?
Casey:
I didn’t see anything that said that. It didn’t have his name.
Jeff:
I sort of remember that he was a pretty… He was kind of a codger. I think he was like, [inaudible 34:57] that these kids are using are using today.
Casey:
No, it didn’t… It didn’t say anything there, not in the link that I had anyway. But yeah, maybe, another news story. I’m not sure. It said he got docked $190 a month.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
As part of the demotion.
Jeff:
$190 will buy you a lot of porn site subscriptions.
Casey:
That is a lot of porn you’re not getting anymore.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Maybe that’s…
Jeff:
Those little $5-access for a night.
Casey:
Maybe they calculated it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They calculated that, like, “If we just didn’t give him the $190 a month, he wouldn’t be able to buy the porn.”
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
But it does not say that it was interfering with his work, though. So it’s unclear why he was…
Jeff:
Well, all I’ll say is he better be on Flomax if he’s looking at that much porn at work otherwise, he’s not getting anything done.
Casey:
Well, he might be like Sting where he, like, looks at an hour’s worth of porn or more before deciding that it’s time to really let the retrograde go.
Jeff:
That’s kind of a good point. It’s like… What does he call his crazy maneuver?
Casey:
Tantric.
Jeff:
His Tantric masturbation…
Casey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Jeff:
Which is the opposite of every reason that someone would want to masturbate. It’s like, “No, I want this to last days.” “No, you don’t. you want it to last 5 minutes so you can start the fuck over.” The only one that wants it to last hours is the woman.
Casey:
And she’s not there.
Jeff:
Yeah, she’s not there. She’s not helping things…
Casey:
Yes. She was 2 years ago and 3,000 miles away in front of the camera. She doesn’t care how long it takes you.
Jeff:
I want to find out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If there’s Tantric masturbation because that would be awesome.
Casey:
Well…
Jeff:
And be proud of it. Yeah, like… So, yeah…
Casey:
I actually don’t really know the Tantric Sting thing, really. I mean, how long does it take him…
Jeff:
I have no idea.
Casey:
I don’t know what the comparison is gonna be. Are we talking a half hour or 2 hours, 5 days…
Jeff:
I don’t know. I think…
Casey:
What does he consider “long”? Maybe he’s like, “15 minutes.” And you’re like, “Uh, bravo,” right?
Jeff:
I think, like, what he’d start is, like, the Sting Tantric method would be he’s getting close and then he would start reciting English poetry to a lute music and…
Casey:
Or just some of his own music…
Jeff:
Not only himself but everyone else immediately goes… “I’ve lasted for hours.” It’s like, “No, you’re not. You actively disgusted us. You didn’t last a long time. You just were disgusted with yourself.”
Casey:
Personally…
Jeff:
You could get the same effect by letting yourself go and installing a mirror in your bedroom and looking at yourself right before it’s time. You’d be like, “Oh…”
Casey:
Personally, “Fields of Gold” playing on infinite loop would be all I need to insure that I never climax no matter what the situation is. I mean…
Jeff:
Ever again.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
I have permanent retrograde ejaculation…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Due to Sting. And I’m suing him…
Casey:
I think it went back up into my brain. I had a pulmonary embolism as a result of the ejaculate traveling back up my circulatory system.
Jeff:
And Horatio from CSI is like…
Casey:
Who the fuck is Horatio?
Jeff:
It’s the dude that puts the sunglasses on.
Casey:
Oh…
Jeff:
He’s be like, “We’re looking at the body.”
Casey:
Oh, God…
Jeff:
And they’re like, “He’d be alive if there was no semen in his brain.” Yeah!
Casey:
Awesome. It doesn’t work so well on a podcast, though, because you can’t put sunglasses on.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s a visual metaphor that’s difficult to convey.
Jeff:
I see. Oh, boy.
Casey:
But still on the Japanese front, there was another issue with… An issue near and dear to my heart/ass which is TOTO, maker of the TOTO washlet and other fabulous items that are probably some of the…
Jeff:
These awful devices…
Casey:
The best inventions to come out of Japan.
Jeff:
Worst inventions ever.
Casey:
What? No.
Jeff:
No. Yes.
Casey:
They had an issue. They had to recall.
Jeff:
They make fancy toilets.
Casey:
They make civilized toilets.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
No. I told you we’re not talking about this.
Casey:
Stop. Back it up.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And let’s establish the fact that you, on a daily basis, jam a wad of paper up your anus to clean it, okay. That is what you do when you go to the bathroom.
Jeff:
Pork and pumpkins! Now, you have to…
Casey:
It works. It works. These are toilets that do that for you. They clean it with water in a sanitary way.
Jeff:
I told you that when that toilet was installed…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
That you couldn’t talk about it. So you can say…
Casey:
It’s the po--… You just told me about how you were trying to jerk off and it went back up into your body.
Jeff:
No…
Casey:
And you’re complaining to me…
Jeff:
Yes, I am.
Casey:
About the fact that there’s a water jet that cleans your ass.
Jeff:
I am…
Casey:
That’s what you’re complaining about.
Jeff:
Pork & pumpkins. That's all I'm saying.
Casey:
Alright, fine. The point is, some of them burst into flames.
Jeff:
What?
Casey:
Moving on to the next topic…
Jeff:
Wait, wait, wait… They burst…
Casey:
Since you… You “pork & pumpkin-ed” it.
Jeff:
Wait!
Casey:
What am I supposed to say? You “pork & pumpkin-ed” it.
Jeff:
Well, stop talking about the use of the device and tell me about the disaster. What happened?
Casey:
Apparently, there was some kind of a short circuit or something in these toilets and it could ignite…
Jeff:
There’s electricity in these? They’re not battery powered?
Casey:
Am I allowed to talk about it or not? What do you want me to say? I can’t describe the toilet. Yes, it’s battery powered. It cleans your ass for you. What do you think it does it with? A perpetual motion machine?
Jeff:
Well, wait. There’s a…
Casey:
Did you think it’s hand-cranked? You turn a little thing and it’s got a little gear where it’s… It’s the [ automaton ]…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
It’s the chess-playing machine.
Jeff:
No, it’s like the…
Casey:
Yes, it’s electric.
Jeff:
It’s like the jack-in-the-box.
Casey:
Boop! Yeah, it’s like, “Oh, my ass!”
Jeff:
“Ow! I’m clean.” No… But I assumed that they were like… You put in some D batteries… You’re saying that they have enough electricity…
Casey:
It plugs into an electrical outlet.
Jeff:
You need…
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
You need lots of power…
Casey:
Hold on.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And not only does it have to plug into an electrical outlet but the advanced models have a full hairdryer in their to dry your anus as well as wash it. So that actually burns a lot… I don’t use that. I’m afraid that the carbon footprint of my anus would go up too much if I did that. So I don’t use that feature.
Jeff:
Your carbon ass-print is what you’re saying?
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Everyone’s carbon ass-print is different.
Casey:
Carbon ass-print, exactly.
Jeff:
Oh, God. Alright, well, that’s… Since I… I would never use your device in a million trillion years anyway…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now that I know they can burst into flames, that’s it.
Casey:
Well, the TOTO washlet can’t. It was the Z series toilet that did. It’s a different thing. Anyway, the point being…
Jeff:
Z stands for the screams that you would make….
Casey:
The spokesperson said, “Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries.” So, like, people were standing around a bathroom and the toilet burst into flames is basically what happened. The fire would have been…
Jeff:
In America, they’d be, “Demon toilet! Demon toilet! Demon…”
Casey:
Yeah, totally. They’d sprinkle Holy Water on it.
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
And it says…
Jeff:
They get a priest to pee on it. That’s how they get the devil out of your… Yes…
Casey:
Of your ass?
Jeff:
Yeah. Not the burning bush…
Casey:
No, no. It’s the burning toilet. It’s the flaming toilet.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And the spokeswoman went on to say, “The fire would have been just under your buttocks.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
I assume that’s the Japanese translation for their…
Jeff:
Yeah… Well, that’s more honest. Like, American spin on that would be like, “In a very, very small number of cases, almost an infinitely small number chance of… Small amounts of heat outburst…” They’d never say “fire under your buttocks”.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That would not get past your PR people. They’re like, “Whoa, whoa… We need to spin this in a better way.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“This makes us look like we’re making flaming toilets.” You’re like, “We are.”
Casey:
Right, the toilet is on fire. They’d be like, “Can we say that the heating function of the toilet heated above the user’s intended temperature?”
Jeff:
Right. “Our toilets are so efficient that the heater actually put out more heat than we intended.”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“And due to this…”
Casey:
Considerably more…
Jeff:
Right. “Due to this problem where we were actually more efficient than we intended…”
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
“You might get your balls and assessment burned off.”
Casey:
Can we get Terence and Philip to do an “Ass is Afire” routine…
Jeff:
Right. Totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oi… That’s pretty scary.
Casey:
It is pretty scary.
Jeff:
There’s a story…
Casey:
TOTO…
Jeff:
There was a story a long time ago my grandpa used to tell me where he was working on a natural gas stove…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And the pilot light was out…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he didn’t know what the pilot light was running.
Casey:
You mean the gas was running?
Jeff:
Right. And he was trying to light it. And he kept trying to light it. And all of a sudden, it went…
Casey:
Boom! Yeah…
Jeff:
And burned his eyebrows off…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Completely… He was like, “Huh…” And then he [inaudible 44:34] his face and it’s like… They all [ tinkled ] off.
Casey:
Whoa, that’s gotta be so scary.
Jeff:
Yeah. So that… That would be the… That could be a good thing, right? Like, you know, there’s lots of people that don’t want body hair.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Just sit down on the… What’s it called? A TOTO? Flame it up. Poof…
Casey:
Stick your head in the toilet for one second… Okay.
Jeff:
You’re done for a year.
Casey:
It’s like a waxing thing.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? It’s like, “Okay, sit backwards on it. Now turn it on. It’s the Brazilian.”
Jeff:
The shape of the fireball.
Casey:
Yeah. Exactly. New markets.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Alright. So I think that’s all I can say about the toilet thing because of the “pork & pumpkins” that you…
Jeff:
Called… I called “pork & pumpkins”.
Casey:
You called “pork & pumpkins”. So we have actually used the safe word once already…
Jeff:
But not for its intended purpose. Not for you getting off on a rant just because I was getting scared…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Mmhmm… Alright.
Casey:
So, on the Japanese kick…
Jeff:
We have been in Japanese land so far.
Casey:
I have to tell you that I’ve been trying to catch up on my video games.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Oh, ‘cos you had to build. You couldn’t play anything. That’s right.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, yeah, and I just… You know, sometimes, you have more time to play video games than others.
Jeff:
Yeah, okay.
Casey:
That’s all… So I’m working through my stack.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And I’m playing Persona 3…
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Right now…
Jeff:
What is that game? I’ve never heard of it.
Casey:
So… Well, yeah, it’s Japanese.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So… You know…
Jeff:
Does it have an English name or is there…
Casey:
Persona 3.
Jeff:
Well, no, but I mean like… Has it been released in…
Casey:
Oh, this is the translated version.
Jeff:
Oh, okay. Alright.
Casey:
This game has a lot of text…
Jeff:
Okay, I thought you were [inaudible 46:17]
Casey:
I would not be able to play it in Japanese at all.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I mean, I can’t really understand spoken Japanese. So the concept that I would be able to understand a game with this much text in Japanese is so ludicrous as to be laughable.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So this game is kind of one of those crash courses in how you would think about things if you were a Japanese games, I guess, or game developer, either way… It’s like…
Jeff:
Okay. What do you mean?
Casey:
Well, I mean, we typically only get Japanese games here that are really kind of American, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like [inaudible 46:52] or Super Mario Brothers.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That’s what we get here. We get games that are basically like games that we normally have here. But they’re kind of fun and smiley…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Instead of dark and broody, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And that’s the difference or whatever. . .
Jeff:
Because, you know, Japan is such a completely depravity-free and…
Casey:
Right, right, right…
Jeff:
And it’s a happy, sunny place
Casey:
Right, sure.
Jeff:
There’s no… There’s absolutely no…
Casey:
It is true that their conception of color schemes and stuff that you experience are…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
They tend to be like… It’s like everything has a cute mascot on it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
No matter how ridiculous it is…
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
It’s always… Yeah.
Jeff:
By the packaging, it’s very difficult to tell if you’re buying light candles for a birthday cake or a dildo.
Casey:
Right. Sure.
Jeff:
It will look exactly the same, right?
Casey:
It’d be the same thing right? Yeah.
Jeff:
They’re both Hello Kitty.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
They’re both in long, skinny packages…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And one…
Casey:
It’s all true. Yes.
Jeff:
Yes, one’s for fucking the cake and one’s for decorating the cake.
Casey:
That’s right. But this game is kind of more of a, I think, good cross-section of a Japanese game in all of the things that you don’t normally see here.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So this game is a… You’re a high school student in this game.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay? Yes, a high school student…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Who’s going to kind of a… It’s a boarding high school, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So there’s dormitories and so on that you live there. Now, besides just being a high school student, it is also true that in this world, there is an hour (an extra hour), a 25th hour…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In between midnight and midnight at midnight.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
So the clock strikes 12 in the middle of the night. You experience an extra hour. And then, it is 12:01.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Do you see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
I’d like that.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Get a little extra rest…
Casey:
It is called the dark hour…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And during this hour, the individuals of mankind who are capable of experiencing the hour must fight against shadowy demons that come out to prey on mankind at this time.
Jeff:
I see. Okay.
Casey:
Make sense?
Jeff:
In this imaginary hour?
Casey:
In this imaginary hour.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, the hour is real.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
It’s not imaginary.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s just an extra hour.
Jeff:
That only they can experience?
Casey:
That only they can experience.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
All other humans turn into coffin-shaped things… Like, they have coffin shapes that form around them…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And they sleep for that hour. They may have already been asleep but they sleep in a coffin for that hour.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
Okay. You following me?
Jeff:
I’m following you so far.
Casey:
Okay. So normally…
Jeff:
This doesn’t sound that different than, you know, normally dormitory life so far.
Casey:
Right. So normally… I mean, I’m just trying to put myself in this situation.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
That would be of primary concern to me, right, if I started experiencing an extra hour in which shadow demons were attacking the human race and there were other fellow humans among me, right, who perceive this hour and fought back with me… I would make that be priority 1, right? I wouldn’t be super concerned about things like if I remembered my car keys…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Or what I’m going to wear tomorrow…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I’d be like, “There are shadow demons preying on humankind between midnight and midnight every hour and only I can save the world.”
Jeff:
“I have to cram for a test. But you know, I’m gonna set this aside for an hour…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“First to go fight the demons.”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“Then come back to my studies after.’
Casey:
Yes, that is what you think you would be wrong.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
In this game, that has 100% equal footing with any other high school thing you may need to do like studying for a test.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Like joining an extracurricular activity such as kendo team or track, okay?
Jeff:
So you’re saying the extracurricular don’t… They aren’t, like, battle fighting 101?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
They’re absolutely like…
Casey:
It’s track.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s track.
Jeff:
Track.
Casey:
You run around a track.
Jeff:
Wait, wait, you run around a track in the game for example?
Casey:
Well, you don’t…
Jeff:
Or you’re saying… That’s in the game or that’s an example?
Casey:
No, that’s in the game.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
You don’t actually run around the track yourself or you don’t control the guy around the track. You choose… Like, “What am I gonna do today? I could battle spirits, right?”
Jeff:
Of course…
Casey:
“Or I could go to track practice. But if I go to track practice, I might be too tired to battle the spirits later.”
Jeff:
I see. So it’s…
Casey:
It’s a tradeoff.
Jeff:
It’s a tradeoff. Always, like all things in life.
Casey:
Like all things in life…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? Defend the human race from shadow spirits that are preying on their souls or…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Track practice.
Jeff:
How is this different at all…
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Than an Evangelical deciding to go to Sunday school on Sunday or staying home to watch an NBA game? It’s the same thing, right?
Casey:
Maybe but I don’t think…
Jeff:
They’re seeing spirits. They’re fighting…
Casey:
They’re not really fi--…
Jeff:
A demon… No, they’re in constant battle, Evangelicals are. That’s why they’re Evangelicals.
Casey:
I guess. Speaking in tongues…
Jeff:
They are in constant combat against the evil one. Don’t forget that. That explains a lot about them once you understand that one.
Casey:
After I tell you how you fight back against the demons…
Jeff:
Maybe there’ll be a little difference?
Casey:
No, I was going to say I certainly hope this is what a lot of Evangelicals decide to do…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In their fight against their own demons. However, I don’t think I’ll be that lucky. So the way that you fight against demons is that, unfortunately, it is difficult for you to be very effective at damaging them, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Hand to hand combat is not super efficient. It does work but you’re not gonna take out a whole lot of demons that way…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Before you get too tired even if haven’t gone to track practice.
Jeff:
It’s like [ Slappers and Gold Mines ].
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
They just…
Casey:
Right, right, yeah…
Jeff:
It doesn’t have a lot of effect.
Casey:
Now, what you have to do is summon your persona, okay?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Which is why the game is called Persona 3. It’s the 3rd in the series of Persona games.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay? And your persona is a manifestation in your soul of some arcane demon of some kind, right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
That are Tarot card-ish. So it may be like a clown so like a fool-type…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Right? Or they’re some kind of jester-y things or one that plays the lute or whatever. Or there might be, like, an emperor style which is like some king thing or a prince, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
[inaudible 53:44] Or it could be some kind of weird animal one that’s like a little cat spirit or something, right, you see what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Okay. What was your spirit?
Casey:
Well, you… You are unique, of course. You’re the main character and you’re unique. You are unique in that you don’t just have one. You have the ability to summon different ones. So you have multiple different kinds.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I gave you some examples just then of some of the kinds that you can summon.
Jeff:
So you are kind of like the one that can be all of those?
Casey:
Yes, in some sense.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
I don’t need to get into the mechanics of the game.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
That’s a different podcast. If we actually started talking about real game analysis on this podcast, it would veer into being actually having content.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And we don’t want to go there.
Jeff:
Yeah, we gotta be careful of that.
Casey:
So I’m staying away from that deliberately.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. So the way that you summon the spirit that you evoke (it is called), your persona, is by shooting yourself in the head with a pistol.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
So basically, you commit suicide…
Jeff:
In the dark hour…
Casey:
In the dark hour…
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
To summon your persona.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The persona then does an attack that you ask them to do and then goes back.
Jeff:
Into your head?
Casey:
Yes. So you commit suicide many times a night.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
30, 40 times a night, easily.
Jeff:
Yep, the suicide solution…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s awesome.
Casey:
Uh-huh.
Jeff:
That would last about 5 minutes on American shelves…
Casey:
I was just gonna say that, like…
Jeff:
And then, people would be suing it like, “My kid…”
Casey:
The Evangelicals, in particular, would be calling their congressman…
Jeff:
Well, no. This would work on any…
Casey:
Parent…
Jeff:
Soccer mom.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
It’s like, “Oh, they’re gonna make my kid commit suicide.”
Casey:
Suicide. Yeah.
Jeff:
“Well, it could also be because you’re just awful. But maybe…”
Casey:
That could be.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or I take the Darwinian approach and be like, “The people who try to sensor shit like that, I would prefer that their offspring not flourish, right?”
Jeff:
Ouch.
Casey:
Like, that is totally fine with me, right?
Jeff:
That’s…
Casey:
’Cos I would like a world that doesn’t have these kinds of concerns of, like, parent censorship and so on.
Jeff:
Yeah…
Casey:
You know…
Jeff:
I think I know people who are otherwise fairly rational, who are irrational on that account. So I don’t think it works totally that way. It’s like… I wish it did…
Casey:
It would if we were weeding it out of the gene pool, right?
Jeff:
You think? But I don’t think so…
Casey:
We just need to thin it out, Jeff. We need to thin it out.
Jeff:
I think it’s an [ orthogonal ] thing.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s like you can be a completely normal human and then completely irrational on any number of things. But in particular, how you think society should behave around your kids instead of just raising them yourself and shutting the fuck up.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But…
Casey:
It’s true.
Jeff:
I don’t know. I… Yeah. You see that all the time, so…
Casey:
Censorship is such ass. That’s a different podcast.
Jeff:
Well, it’s… Yeah, that, we could go on for a long time…
Casey:
Forever, yeah.
Jeff:
Because it’s so irrational ‘cos… I mean, if you want your kid to be exactly like you, don’t be you at all. If you want to raise a Republican whitey bread…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Start behaving like the most fucked up hippie you can.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Smoke pot in front of them every day. They will want to not be you by the time they’re 20 like all kids do.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And you’ll have your own little [ Republispawn ]. But if you try to raise them that way, all they’ll do is fake be [ Republispawns ] and then get caught for, like, looking at porn images of little boys…
Casey:
You know, that…
Jeff:
No, they’ll own an ice cream truck to gather the kids, right? Oi… But yes, we could go off on that for a long time.
Casey:
On the smoking pot front, Jeff…
Jeff:
Wait, we’re right at the… This is… Okay, wait. We’re right at a good time.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Everyone, this is part 1 of the retro poodcast. And the rest we are about to retract into ourselves and we will emit it a week later.
Casey:
So here’s the question. When you… You had some experience with this now.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
When you retro-came, okay…
Jeff:
That’s a pretty awesome name.
Casey:
When you retro-came, is the next time that you take care of business, like, twice as strong?
Jeff:
I was… No.
Casey:
Does it come back stronger?
Jeff:
No, it doesn’t.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Well, okay, first off, let me say this.
Casey:
So, there’s literally…
Jeff:
Okay, wait, wait…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Let the say this. I was… The next time… The first thing is once I figured out that was the medicine, that’s it.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Flomax is done. Okay? But the second thing… ‘Cos it’s fucking freaky. The second thing… It’s…
Casey:
You only got one shot. It’s like, “You get one chance at this and you failed.”
Jeff:
No, it was…
Casey:
You’re out. Flomax is done.
Jeff:
It is freaky because literally, like, you feel like you were part of a magic trick where the magician didn’t introduce himself because you’re like, “It’s gone. I don’t believe it. David Blain, you’re awesome. You made it vanish. Where did you put it?”
Casey:
Oh… And then you pull it out of somebody’s ear.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Anyway… No, I was done with that action.
Casey:
It’s all done with mirrors.
Jeff:
But I will say…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And ensuing issues that, like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Not that I… I’m not gonna give you a play by play but I will say what was going through my head at points was, “I wonder if it’s going to happen again,” which doesn’t help the situation. You can’t have self-performance anxiety is what I’m saying. Like, you have to, like…
Casey:
Oh, weird. “I wonder if I’m not gonna live up to my own masturbation expectations.”
Jeff:
No, it’s like… You’re gonna have to go to yourself…
Casey:
That would be amazing.
Jeff:
That’s never happened before. I’m sorry. That never happened…
Casey:
Oh, my God that would be so terrible, yeah. That’s never happened to me before.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly. Oh, God.
Casey:
Oh, man. So right now… Okay, wait a minute. Let’s back it up. Isn’t this basically a birth control pill for men? How is this not on the market?
Jeff:
Well, because I don’t think it happens to everybody. It’s just, like, one of the possible symptoms.
Casey:
But how have they not perfected that aspect?
Jeff:
I have no…
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Well, because… There’s one good reason why.
Casey:
Why?
Jeff:
Men don’t… Like, they have male birth control.
Casey:
No, they don’t.
Jeff:
No, they do. They have invented such a thing.
Casey:
Just a pill?
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a pill you take every day.
Casey:
Where do you get it?
Jeff:
You can get them. No man ever takes that. And how could a… That’s completely ineffective. Women have to take it because they’re the ones that get screwed, literally…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
In the fact that they’re impregnated.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
How can they, like… How can they hope that the man they’re sleeping with is telling the truth when men never tell the truth. If there is a possibility of getting laid, a man will say anything. He will say…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, “Yes. Am I on a man pill? Of course I am. I’ve taken the man pill. What? Yeah, I always retrograde. Oh, yeah, you know,” and when it doesn’t happen, they’ll be like, “Wow, I guess it didn’t work this time.” No. Male birth control is the dumbest… No, they have developed multiple male birth controls. It’s absurd because the man can’t take any responsibility there because the women are the ones that get hosed. It has to be them.
Casey:
But wait. I’m just about… From the male’s perspective, if the male does not want to impregnate anybody, they might want to take it of their own accord.
Jeff:
Yeah, but it doesn’t affect the dynamics of the situation.
Casey:
I’m not talking about affecting the dynamics.
Jeff:
Okay. The only person that takes that is the man that thinks he’s so awesome that he thinks every woman is going to try to get pregnant by him to trap him in a relationship, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. The member of… It’s like the males who are afraid of homosexuals because they think they’ll come on to them. If you think that, you know what, you are not desirable to any gay man by definition. They’re like, “No…”
Casey:
Slow down here.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay. Slow it down.
Jeff:
No, I’m speeding it up.
Casey:
Let’s say you just have a standard couple.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? Who wants extra birth control…
Jeff:
Again, again…
Casey:
Where’s the again?
Jeff:
Wait, let me finish again…
Casey:
They both take it in the morning.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Like, the woman takes the birth control pills and the man takes the birth control pills.
Jeff:
Again, I don’t think you’re realizing the difference between men and women is men don’t…
Casey:
Oh, a man can’t remember to take a pill?
Jeff:
No. No. You can’t rely on a man to do that. A man doesn’t fucking mow the lawn. A man has, like…
Casey:
Yes, they fucking do.
Jeff:
No, wait. Listen. A man has, in the general, like, in a relationship…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The number of things he’s supposed to do…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Are, like, mow the lawn, maybe do the dishes occasionally… Like, he does none of those things ever, right? Like, the lawn is long. The door’s been broken for 6 months. No man is responsible enough to take a pill. No man can remember to do anything.
Casey:
You are totally projecting right now.
Jeff:
No, I’m not projecting.
Casey:
You are so projecting.
Jeff:
In fact, I am very anal about those kinds of things but it doesn’t matter.
Casey:
I can speak from experience and say that you are not anal about doing the dishes.
Jeff:
Oh, no. That’s totally true but I’m saying, like, in general, if you look at most couples and you say, “How do you break up the work around the house?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, the woman does everything. The man does one thing and then expects praise to an… “Hey, honey. I vacuumed the rug in front of my feet because I got sick of stepping on Cheetos crumbs.” And, like, he expects praise for that. You don’t deserve praise. She cleans the whole house. So anyway, that’s the part 1 of the poodcast. Email as at Podcast@MollyRocket.com.
Casey:
You are reverse chauvinist. What is the opposite…
Jeff:
Men are dogs. I’m…
Casey:
What is the opposite of chauvinist? The reverse of that?
Jeff:
What’s that?
Casey:
Chauvinist is a male who thinks women…
Jeff:
Feminist. Well, maybe not.
Casey:
No, feminist can be pro-female without being anti-male. It usually isn’t but it can be.
Jeff:
I was going to… I just held that thought for a moment going, “Hmmm…”
Casey:
Yeah, it can be. The word, “feminism”, does not require that you’re anti-male.
Jeff:
Right. Like…
Casey:
What is a word that requires you to be anti-male? That is what its definition is…
Jeff:
I’m not… I shouldn’t say that I’m, like, anti-male. I’m realistic male. I like… I even find a lot of these things endearing among… In myself… Like, I like the fact that I’m lazy, okay? But I understand that am.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s a different thing. Male birth control is an absurd thing.
Casey:
So you think Flomax has no future?
Jeff:
What’s that?
Casey:
You think Flomax has no future as a birth control?
Jeff:
As a birth control device, yes, no.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Alright, anyway, part 1.
Casey:
End of part 1.
Jeff:
Poodcast… And part 2, you’ll hear in a little while. Thanks, everybody. And we’ll see you next week.
Casey:
Thank you and goodbye.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
We’ll see you next week.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
On the podcast.
Jeff:
Are you gonna pause or are gonna keep going? Pause for a second. Come in.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 12
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