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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Faint Smell of Vomit
"Who put the bomp in the bomp shoo-bomp?"
Original air date: April 27th, 2008
Topics. CNN double-header. Drobo update. Chair diarrhea. The Mugar Omnimax Theater. Leonard Nimoy. Iron Man, not Ironman. Penis theft.
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Transcript
Jeff:
That’s the MegaTimer. Hey, welcome to the Jeff & Casey Show.
Casey:
Hello, hello.
Jeff:
It is April 26th and it’s a Saturday afternoon.
Casey:
And the MegaTimer is running.
Jeff:
The MegaTimer is going. It’s time for the MegaTimer, baby.
Casey:
Ugh, I hate the MegaTimer.
Jeff:
I love the MegaTimer. Look at it.
Casey:
I know you do.
Jeff:
Counting down…
Casey:
It’s counting up.
Jeff:
I know. It’s awesome.
Casey:
You probably wanted the countdown…
Jeff:
There is a count…
Casey:
And you probably fucked it up or you don’t know how to do it. You don’t know how to make it count down.
Jeff:
There is a countdown. Here, listen to this.
Casey:
What the hell is it doing?
Jeff:
I don’t know. I think it… Let me start the timer again. Okay. The MegaTimer rules.
Casey:
Awesome. So now, the timer is 22 seconds off.
Jeff:
Yep. But that was worth it, don’t you think?
Casey:
Oh, it was totally worth it.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
So let’s just get right to things today.
Jeff:
Right to it.
Casey:
While we’re dealing with sort of Jeff technology gone awry like the MegaTimer, I wanted to check in with you and see how your great Drobo experiment is going.
Jeff:
Oh, Drobo.
Casey:
I would’ve imagined you probably lost a significant amount of data by now but I also expect that you probably don’t know that you’ve lost it yet because until you actually go to play a movie and it goes, “Error reading drive,” or whatever, you’re not gonna know.
Jeff:
Let me tell you some stuff about the whole plan.
Casey:
Have you been watching movies regularly on it?
Jeff:
I have been watching movies.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So a couple of the problems. The Drobo seems to time out. Like, I’ll be watching a movie and then the…
Casey:
You didn’t tell me this.
Jeff:
I think it doesn’t happen on HD. It happens on DVD. I think it gets buffered up…
Casey:
Oh, yeah, it’s too good. The problem is the Drobo is too good…
Jeff:
No, no, wait. I think…
Casey:
It gets too far ahead.
Jeff:
No, I think it’s my DVD play…
Casey:
It’s not that it’s a piece of shit.
Jeff:
No, it’s my DVD software, I think, has like a 50 megabyte buffer…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Which is, like, 10 seconds or so.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So it fills that up. I watch the 10 seconds. It goes to the next stream and then the Drobo goes, “Hold on there, I spun all the drives down.” So I’m…
Casey:
50 megabytes has got to be way more than 10 seconds, right?
Jeff:
Well, let’s see. 50 megabytes is like 20 seconds, yeah.
Casey:
Total… Okay, 20 seconds sounds a little bit right.
Jeff:
Anyway, so that’s a problem. And I’ve got a little thing that I’ve done to fix that in the meantime.
Casey:
Which is?
Jeff:
I just…
Casey:
You leave a copy running or something?
Jeff:
I leave a copy running, yeah.
Casey:
Oh, my fucking God, Jeff.
Jeff:
But that’s just… I’m gonna fix that. I’ll write a little utility that just captures anything that reads or writes from the Drobos and just periodic [inaudible 2:40]
Casey:
Okay. These Drobos are the worst fucking thing ever.
Jeff:
Well…
Casey:
Ever.
Jeff:
I got Bootcamp 2.1. I got Bootcamp 2.1. I got Boot--… Casey’s making signs that I’m too quiet but…
Casey:
No, I’m not making signs that you’re too quiet. I’m making signs that you’re rocking back and forth in front of the microphone.
Jeff:
I like to rock.
Casey:
Well, everyone’s gonna hear you like, “Hello. Welcome to the podcast of Jeff Roberts…”
Jeff:
Anyway, so the problem is this…
Casey:
Yeah. I’m getting you… By the way, is that one of those chairs where I can go underneath and push the little pin in so you can’t rock?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
’Cos I’m doing that right now if that’s the case.
Jeff:
No, it’s not one of those.
Casey:
We’re getting you one of those for next time, then.
Jeff:
You know, [inaudible 3:22] might share…
Casey:
You have no mic discipline.
Jeff:
Yeah, I know. I don’t have mic discipline.
Casey:
You don’t have any mic discipline.
Jeff:
Well, I like to…
Casey:
You don’t know how to work a microphone.
Jeff:
I move my hands and stuff. It’s hard.
Casey:
You can move your hands all you want. Just keep your mouth on the microphone.
Jeff:
But you know, wait… What… Let me tell you something. This one time, I had this chair… And I keep my chairs for a long time and I use my chair…
Casey:
I know. Believe me, I know.
Jeff:
My chair and my keyboard, I use them.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And so, it was squeaky. And so, I squirted some WD-40 up in there and the squeak went away…
Casey:
But the chair was super lubricated after that?
Jeff:
Something happened. It dissolved something. So one day, I’m sitting there. And you know there’s a lot of ballast in a chair?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
There’s lots of little… They put little thin metal plates just to be mass so that when you tilt back and forth, it’s got a little something…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
For some reason, the thing that held those in broke or something and all the metal plates, all of a sudden… I’m just sitting there and they just like, started falling on the floor.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
And I have to say. This is kind of gross. Be prepared.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It felt exactly like I had diarrhea ‘cos my chair’s moving and I’m shaking and there’s things falling. I’m like, “What’s going on?” And I look down and there’s metal…
Casey:
I’m too young to have this problem.
Jeff:
Yes. I was freaked out.
Casey:
Dude, after that, you should put your chairs in a big diaper, a big adult chair diaper, right?
Jeff:
Well, just don’t put WD-40 in your chair. It’s chemically incompatible.
Casey:
Yes, I guess so. It must’ve dissolved some kind of a plastic wall lining that was…
Jeff:
If it starts squeaking [inaudible 4:59] So here’s my other problem…
Casey:
Alright, so the Drobo’s…
Jeff:
Wait…
Casey:
Basically have completely failed at every step of the process is basically…
Jeff:
No, they play HD’s pretty well.
Casey:
Yeah, except for the first 30 seconds.
Jeff:
Yeah, it takes a second for them to kind of catch on.
Casey:
So the first 30 seconds and the last 30 seconds. You can have your choice of which one doesn’t work.
Jeff:
No, wait. There’s more.
Casey:
Of every minute?
Jeff:
So when I reboot my computer…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s that Mac Mini with Vista.
Casey:
Yeah, Mac Mini.
Jeff:
I don’t know why this happens.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So it boots up to the little white Mac screen.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Does the little hum…
Casey:
“Hum…”
Jeff:
And it starts and puts the indi bar at the bottom while it’s loading Vista…
Casey:
Yeah?
Jeff:
45 minutes.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
I have no idea why.
Casey:
No. 45 minutes?
Jeff:
It takes 45 minutes to boot up.
Casey:
I do know why.
Jeff:
I’ve unplugged the Drobo.
Casey:
No, I know why.
Jeff:
Why?
Casey:
It’s because you don’t have a USB drive for Ready Boost.
Jeff:
Apparently.
Casey:
If you want the fast boot up speeds, you gotta have Ready Boost. It’s normally 45 minutes, that’s nothing. That’s a pretty fast boot up time. That’s optimized. That’s way faster than XP.
Jeff:
I was so scared when it boot up. I’m like, “My machine’s fucked up.” And so, I was like, “I can’t deal with this right now. It’s late.” So I went to bed, came up in the morning, it’s working. So I checked… Yeah, it takes about 45 minutes to reboot. I don’t know what it’s doing.
Casey:
Windows Vista. That’s the Vista Genuine Advantage right there.
Jeff:
I have no idea what it’s doing. And it wasn’t like that’s the one time, every time, like I…
Casey:
That’s amazing, Jeff.
Jeff:
So I installed Bootcamp 2.1.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
45 minutes for it to reboot. But I put in that… So here’s the problem. When I reboot, for some reason, when I turn of the computer and turn it back on, the Drobo’s turned themselves off and don’t turn themselves back on. So I have to unplug…
Casey:
My Lord…
Jeff:
I have to pull the power on each of the Drobos and then they come up and then it takes 15 minutes for them to boot and then another 15 minutes… So when the power goes out, it’s 2 hours….
Casey:
It takes an hour and a half…
Jeff:
Yeah, basically.
Casey:
Jeff, what is your fucking deal, dude? Get some regular hard drives. Just get some regular hard drives, okay?
Jeff:
I don’t think… This isn’t solely the Drobo problem. Something else is wrong.
Casey:
But this wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t for the Drobos because you wouldn’t have to install Windows Vista.
Jeff:
Maybe. But you know what, that’s water under the Drobo.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Now here…
Casey:
Oh, damn, dude. I would not put up with this shit.
Jeff:
One of their awesomeness is the HD interfaces now…
Casey:
HD DVD?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Like, you know, the Play Special Features, whatever… So this is awesome. New standard for new age high-definition…
Casey:
Right, 21st century video.
Jeff:
Right, high-def era as Microsoft calls it.
Casey:
Yeah, the HD era.
Jeff:
HD era. Yeah. Apparently, the HD era doesn’t involve mice because…
Casey:
No, probably not, huh?
Jeff:
Because the HD spec doesn’t require you to have mouse areas for your buttons.
Casey:
Oh, so basically like, you are directionally navigating. You don’t have an absolute positioning device thing.
Jeff:
They draw a remote control on the screen and I have to go over to the up button and click, click, click up to play. I can’t just click on play. Yeah, it’s awesome.
Casey:
That’s awesome.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s great.
Casey:
Because even old DVD’s usually used to have it just fine. Most DVD’s weren’t, not all of them, though.
Jeff:
Even if this was not a mouse like you said. I mean, touch screens would have the same problem.
Casey:
Right, a touch screen would have exactly the same problem. Yeah.
Jeff:
So life on the bleeding edge is a little rough. It’s a little rough right now.
Casey:
You’re definitely bleeding.
Jeff:
I’m bleeding a little bit.
Casey:
You’re bleeding hard. Yeah.
Jeff:
I’m hanging in there.
Casey:
I have something to tell you. I have a movie thing to tell you, actually.
Jeff:
A movie thing?
Casey:
A movie thing to tell you. I wanted to know… As you know, I’m a big fan of the Cinerama…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Which, for those of you who don’t live in Seattle, it’s an honest to God Cinerama, one of only I think 3 left in the country which can play like giant…
Jeff:
Paul Allan fixed it up.
Casey:
Yeah. Paul Allan fixed it up. And it’s just a fabulous place to see movies. So there’s 2 places to see movies in Seattle that you really want to go to and it’s the Cinerama and the IMAX theatre. They’re both really, really good.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I was walking by the Cinerama last night…
Jeff:
The IMAX theatre always smells a little like puke to me. I don’t like the IMAX.
Casey:
Really? I’ve never smelled that.
Jeff:
There’s a little smell. There’s the little waft of percolating puke that somebody must’ve…
Casey:
Someone vomited… Because it is kind of vomit-inducing, you know…
Jeff:
It is a little motion…
Casey:
People who have motion sickness do not do well… My dad says that he has trouble at the IMAX theatre. I don’t know if he’s ever puked in one but he definitely doesn’t feel good about IMAX.
Jeff:
It’s just a faint smell of it. So maybe it’s not on the ground but somebody…
Casey:
The faint smell of vomit. I love the smell of vomit in the morning.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s like somebody just got a little noxious and burped up a little.
Casey:
Ew.
Jeff:
I’m just saying that’s about what it’s like.
Casey:
Well, the… I remember when I was growing up in Massachusetts in Boston, there was an IMAX theatre and it was… And this was old school. Boston had an IMAX theatre way back when.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And it was… Mugar was the sponsor of the IMAX theatre so I believe…
Jeff:
What’s a Mugar?
Casey:
Mugar is… I know. It’s like if I ever wrote a sci-fi story, the alien race would definitely be called Mugar.
Jeff:
Mugar sounds like something you’ve got to listen every morning.
Casey:
It would be Mugars versus Borborygmus.
Jeff:
Ooh, I’ve got to loosen my Mugar.
Casey:
So Mugar, I think… I don’t know… I should but they were basically a local company I think that made it really big. I want to say they make, like, film or something. Like, they make something cinema-related…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like Kodak, right?
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And they’re very wealthy, I guess, right? And so…
Jeff:
Is this one of those Boston things… Like, Boston has totally the small-town mentality to people that come from Boston, like…
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Well, Boston’s all about, “Yeah, you know, Matt Damon,” and, “Ew, he’s from Boston.” They have such a strange… For a large, they’re like rooting for their hometown guy…
Casey:
It’s ridiculous. Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, New York never goes, “Yeah, and he’s a local Brooklyn boy.” It’s like, “We don’t fucking care. We don’t have a complex about our own city,” right?
Casey:
Boston does, I think, have that same sort of thing.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
And that further feeds into the story.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
The Mugar IMAX theatre, right, which is not like the Seattle IMAX theatre which is a flat screen… The Seattle IMAX theatre is more or less flat. It’s just a flat, vertical, large screen is all it is, right?
Jeff:
Right. It kind of curves vertically.
Casey:
It’s very subtly curved.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Whereas the Boston IMAX theatre is heavily curved. It’s more like a surround picture than a flat large picture.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So it kind of curves around you. It’s not 360. I’ve seen theatres that do that like at Disneyworld and stuff.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s not that but it’s…
Jeff:
It’s not a planetarium.
Casey:
No. It’s not a planetarium. It actually is a planetarium, as well.
Jeff:
Oh, really?
Casey:
Yeah. I think they do have planetarium shows in there.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
Actually, no. I’m misremembering. I think there’s a planetarium and the IMAX theatre. But I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. The point being, the rest of my story… The good part…
Jeff:
My best friend in junior high was expecting to get his first kiss in the planetarium. But instead, he got sick and puked on the girl.
Casey:
Oh. This is why you’re smelling the puke smell. It’s basically a psychosomatic response to large, open theatres.
Jeff:
I thought this was the funniest thing because he’d been talking about it all week like, “She wants to kiss me. I’m gonna kiss her at the IMAX theatre,” you know, in 5th grade.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
All over. It was like…
Casey:
Ugh. Why… Was it because of the theatre or because he was nervous about the kiss? Or both?
Jeff:
I think it was a little of both…
Casey:
A little of both?
Jeff:
But I think it was…
Casey:
Heavily the theatre?
Jeff:
It was heavily the theatre… Okay, sorry. Mugar. Back to Mugar.
Casey:
Yeah, the Mugar… So the Mugar Omni Max Theatre…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because [ that’s the Omni Dome ]… So it’s not iMax. It’s Omni Max or different… Okay, the Mugar Omni Max Theatre, there’s this great treat when you go there that I think everyone who’s like a Boston Science Museum kind of person like me… Like, I am all about the Boston Science Museum, right. I came here to Seattle, the Pacific Science Center is the biggest fucking piece of shit on planet earth. Like, it is not a Science Museum. It’s a fucking kids museum, okay.
Jeff:
I like all the kids stuff.
Casey:
The Boston Science Museum is like, hardcore, right? Half the shit is really rundown and broken because it’s Boston but it’s good. And scientists probably fucking designed it.
Jeff:
This is a wicked science museum.
Casey:
It’s a wicked science museum. I like the Boston Science Museum. I had a great time going there while I was growing up. Anyway, but Boston Science people know… They know when they go to the Omni Max theatre to see a film, be it an African safari or an underwater exploration or a journey to the space station, they know that the most important part of the film happens in the 1st 5 minutes which is Leonard Nimoy announces the Mugar Omni Max Theatre.
Jeff:
He does the announcement every time?
Casey:
Well, it’s pre-recorded.
Jeff:
Oh, okay.
Casey:
So he did…
Jeff:
It would be awesome if he was there…
Casey:
Because he grew up 3 blocks from the Boston Science Museum.
Jeff:
God damn it.
Casey:
That’s right. So it’s got this great introductory sequence where he’s like, “Welcome to the Mugar Omni Max Theatre,” in Leonard Nimoy’s awesome voice, you know. And he does this thing where he goes like, “Who put the bump in the bump, shu-bump, shu-bump?”
Jeff:
What?
Casey:
“Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam- a-dingdong?” He says these things and like, they light up different parts of the screen.
Jeff:
What are you…
Casey:
It’s awesome. He is the bomb.
Jeff:
It’s not awesome.
Casey:
I love Leonard Nimoy and I love the Mugar Omni Max Theatre. And I don’t even like Star Trek. That’s how universal Leonard Nimoy is. I don’t know how you don’t like Leonard Nimoy. He’s just great and that hobbit video is great. Anyway, I’m getting way off track here but I just felt I had to tell you that. Anyway…
Jeff:
We’re like, 3 segues deep.
Casey:
We’re way deep. I was walking by the Cinerama.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And I noticed that “Iron Man” opens this week or something.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, not this weekend which is what we’re in now but next weekend, it’s coming out or whatever. So I wanted to know if that was gonna be any good because obviously, I love Robert Downey Jr.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He’s awesome. So I’d probably enjoy just for him, right?
Jeff:
There’s actually a really weird thing about Robert Downey Jr. we can talk about after.
Casey:
Okay. But it’s directed by Jon Favreau and I’m like, “What?” You know, that’s just like… I don’t understand. Like, is Vince Vaughn gonna be in it? What’s going on? I had no idea what was happening there. So I’m like, “I don’t know if it’s gonna be any good.”
Jeff:
He’s like a Tony Stark hanger on… “You’re money, baby. You’re money, baby.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. I don’t understand. But I’m surprised he wasn’t Iron Man, to be honest with you, right?
Jeff:
Great. A Super tall…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Bloated…
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Very tired Tony Stark…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And he’s an alcoholic so that matches…
Casey:
Who talks for, like, 15 minutes and no one else says anything…
Jeff:
Right. A long, like, [inaudible 15:55] a tall drink of water. You don’t want to mess with me.
Casey:
“I’m not saying this Iron suit isn’t really annoying but it kind of is. I mean, look at my crotch, you know. I’m saying, I had to wedge my crotch in this Iron suit and it chafes every time I move back and forth. It’s metal in here, okay. And I don’t have an oil can. You don’t see me with an oil can.” That’s what I would expect it to be with Vince Vaughn. So I wanted to know if it was gonna be any good, right, because I don’t know. I don’t know anything about Iron Man. You’re the comic books guy. I haven’t asked you yet. I don’t even know who Iron Man actually is, really.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I just know, “Hey, it’s Iron Man.” There’s an Anthrax song, right? I am Iron Man…
Jeff:
No, no. It’s Black Sabbath.
Casey:
Black Sabbath. I don’t know. No, I don’t think so.
Jeff:
It’s Sabbath, right?
Casey:
Whatever. I don’t care.
Jeff:
It’s Ozzie but I think it was Ozzie when… You don’t care.
Casey:
Anthrax.
Jeff:
It’s not Anthrax. I went to an Anthrax concert. Anthrax and Public Enemy.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Did the concert together.
Casey:
I don’t need to know.
Jeff:
There were [ whitey birds ] and rappers…
Casey:
There’s a song about it. There’s a shitty song about it that I heard…
Jeff:
Dancing together…
Casey:
It was like, “I am Iron Man.”
Jeff:
We came together. It was a beautiful moment.
Casey:
For one night?
Jeff:
For one night.
Casey:
Alright. So I wanted to find out if this movie’s any good. So I went to Rotten Tomatoes.
Jeff:
Because you like the Tomatoes.
Casey:
I go to Rotten Tomatoes.
Jeff:
You’re killing me with the Tomatoes all the time.
Casey:
No, because you always want to see a movie that’s gonna absolutely sick. There’s like a 15%. . . You’re like, “Oh, ‘Madea’s Family Reunion’. It’s gonna be awesome. Let’s go, dude.” I’m like, “Dude, that movie has, like, a 5.”
Jeff:
The thing that sucks about Rotten Tomatoes is like, either there’s this stratification that happens. Like “Juno” is an okay movie but it gets a 90 because everybody liked “Juno”.
Casey:
It was okay, yeah.
Jeff:
But it’s not a 90… It’s not like… That’s fucked up.
Casey:
I’m not asking you to want to go to 90 percenters. I’m asking you to want to go to things above fucking 50 once in a while. Okay?
Jeff:
No, because under--…
Casey:
Because you are down in like… I’m serious. Like, “Are We There Yet?”, you know, and these kinds of films…
Jeff:
You’re killing me.
Casey:
I don’t want to see that shit.
Jeff:
You’ve got to…
Casey:
I don’t want to see “Superhero Movie”.
Jeff:
It doesn’t…
Casey:
I don’t want to go to that, okay?
Jeff:
It goes to this weird, extreme where like…
Casey:
Whatever. Anyway, moving on…
Jeff:
Fucker.
Casey:
I made a mistake.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I was looking… I wanted to know how “Iron Man” was. And so I typed in “Iron Man”. But I thought that Iron Man was one word. I guess it’s 2 words — Iron Man. Right? But Superman isn’t Super Man. And Batman isn’t Bat Man. It’s just Batman or Superman as far as I knew, at least in movie titles, they are, right? It’s not “Bat Man Begins”. It’s “Batman Begins” in the movie title, right? So I’m thinking it’s “Ironman”. So I type in “Ironman”, no space, right? And it comes back with a page that says, “Ironman: Erotic Fantasy Workout”.
Jeff:
Awesome. Wait, “Ironman”…
Casey:
And I’m like… “Ironman: Erotic Fantasy Workout”.
Jeff:
Ironman like… Ironmen are the dudes that run 10 miles and then bike 20 and then swim 3. So I think…
Casey:
All I know is I was… Okay, It’s Iron Man. It comes out next week. You would think that a website will be able to fucking find it. The AdWords sponsored by Google, they all know what I meant. It was like, “Buy Iron Man Posters Here”, “Robert Downy Jr.”, not, “Here’s some fucking weird ass erotic video that has nothing to do with anything, right?
Jeff:
I have said the same thing to you why I hate Rotten Tomatoes. If you go to the opening now, this shit lists, like, 3,000 movies. It’s like everything in the United States… Well, it’ll be buried in there somewhere…
Casey:
Somewhere, yeah…
Jeff:
It’s like that should be the number 1 fucking thing, yes.
Casey:
I know. Anyway, so “Ironman: Erotic Fantasy Workout” video.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I don’t remember what it’s rated.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay, probably higher than most of the movies that you want to see but I don’t remember what it’s rated. Probably not that high. I would like to read you the description for what “Ironman: Erotic Fantasy Workout” is.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And I quote. “Any gym rat knows that staring at a woman while she’s working out can get messy.”
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
“Embarrassment may pop up or a lawsuit may be slapped upon the male gaze.”
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
“This video invites viewers to stare, and to use only the muscles one wants as seven beautiful women workout for 50 minutes.”
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
“Wearing unorthodox gym attire such as lingerie (if they’re wearing anything at all), these seven women offer a voyeuristic fantasy view of some firm and trim hardbodies.”
Jeff:
This is awesome.
Casey:
That is the summary on Rotten Tomatoes. I did not have to leave the site. That is what it came up with.
Jeff:
Wow, that’s awesome. Did you order it?
Casey:
I did not order it.
Jeff:
Oh, we have to see this. I will Bittorrent it. That sounds like a Bittorrent to me.
Casey:
That sounds to me like the worst erotica ever.
Jeff:
So it’s 50 minutes per girl, 7 girls?
Casey:
They did not specify. It simply says 50 minutes.
Jeff:
I thought that’s what you said.
Casey:
It says… Yeah, but they didn’t say that they’re equi-spaced so…
Jeff:
That would be a porn thing. It’s like, you get it and there’s 50 minutes and there’s really like, 2 minutes that you really need…
Casey:
Probably. Although I have a feeling that this video doesn’t even have 2 minutes that I need.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
I could be wrong.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I’m just guessing. So…
Jeff:
Like, Alex Rodriguez has bought, like, 50 copies of this. He’s like, “This is awesome. Look at her abs. Man.”
Casey:
I didn’t look at the director. It might’ve been him.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Right?
Jeff:
Wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that. I thought Ironman was gonna mean…
Casey:
Who the hell is Alex Rodriguez, by the way?
Jeff:
The dude on the Yankees. I thought you hated him because you were like…
Casey:
Oh, A. Rod?
Jeff:
A. Rod, yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
He got caught with a stripper or something…
Casey:
No, he has specific strippers in different towns, yeah, my parents told me about this.
Jeff:
And he has a type. And the type is what everyone got a kick out of…
Casey:
Basically a man?
Jeff:
Basically a man. It’s like these muscled…
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“I like them well-muscled.”
Jeff:
What you…
Casey:
“Is the East German Swim Team available for anything? Do they need a photo shoot with me?”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Why don’t they come over. We’ll put on a little Ironman and see what happens, baby.”
Casey:
Wow. Alright, well, that was my movie mishap.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
Unlike you, I just fucking play movies the normal way so I actually get to watch them regularly.
Jeff:
Oh, man.
Casey:
But that was…
Jeff:
That was good action.
Casey:
That was good action.
Jeff:
Was it in HD?
Casey:
I don’t think it’s available in HD. I think it’s an older film.
Jeff:
Does Rotten Tomatoes review only things that are in the theatre or DVD’s, too?
Casey:
They have seemed to have worked out a back catalogue system so you can get older films and they have rounded up the reviews, I think, and put them in or something like this or maybe the reviewers do that for them. I don’t know how it works.
Jeff:
I got you.
Casey:
But they do have ratings for movie that were clearly not… Were clearly long before Rotten Tomatoes came into existence.
Jeff:
Because that’s definitely…
Casey:
You can probably go look at Titanic, right, or something…
Jeff:
Right, that’s definitely not a movie that you’d want to go to the theatre to see. I mean, it’s you and Paul Rubin…
Casey:
Paul Rubin, that’s it, you beat me to it…
Jeff:
Exactly. Oh, you were gonna say that, too?
Casey:
Yeah. I was about to see Peewee Herman.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s it. Oh, man. Ironman…
Casey:
Well, okay, so that’s…
Jeff:
Go to the wrong theatre, very disappointed. When’s Robert…
Casey:
That would be awesome if they showed that Ironman somewhere and you’re like, “Whoops…”
Jeff:
So here’s my thing about Robert Downey Jr.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I like him as an actor.
Casey:
Me, too.
Jeff:
“Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” is one of my favourite movies of all time.
Casey:
That’s a strong statement but it’s a very good film.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, I mean, I have movies that I watch that are fun, that aren’t good movies…
Casey:
Like “Road House”.
Jeff:
Like “Road House” excellent movie.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Yes. “The Double Deuce”… Anyway, what I was gonna say is the thing that kills me about him is he has the worst taste in movies but people only remember the good things he’s in.
Casey:
Oh, so they don’t remember the shitty movies?
Jeff:
No. He does mostly complete crap movies.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And people almost forgive him. It’s almost like they’re like…
Casey:
But what movies?
Jeff:
“Oh, man. Yeah, that’s just Robert. He’s on a bender that weekend.”
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
You know, it’s one of those weekends where he goes back into 1990’s Robert and then signs…
Casey:
What is a movie, an example?
Jeff:
You’ve just got to look at his list on IMDB. It’s like, every other movie will be like ‘Borris and Natasha’ or ‘Gar--’… I don’t know if he’s in these but this is the kind of movie he would be in. It’s like, “’Garfield’? There’s a live action ‘Garfield’? Sign me up. I’ll do that right after ‘Iron Man’ and ride that bus right into Oscar-nominated [inaudible 24:39]”
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
But people forget that. He somehow has the thing. Like… There’s like Eddie Murphy has probably similar okay movies to completely embarrassing, normally career-ending…
Casey:
But everyone remembers the fact that he does only shitty films.
Jeff:
Right. But it’s the opposite with Robert Downey Jr.
Casey:
I think the reason is… This is probably the lesson to learn is [ interleaf ] You have to [ interleaf ].
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Do 3 shitty movies and a good movie and people remember the good movies. Do 10 good movies and 30 bad movies…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And people remember the bad movies, right?
Jeff:
That could be.
Casey:
So Eddie Murphy hasn’t been in a good movie for 10 years.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You know? So that’s the problem. If he had done 1 “Beverly Hills Cop” every 7 years, people would be like, “He’s so funny.”
Jeff:
Yeah. That’s probably true.
Casey:
So that’s the problem.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You gotta stretch it out.
Jeff:
It’s a very strange effect is all I’m saying.
Casey:
So let’s talk about something that I know that’s been on your mind lately ‘cos you were telling me about it before that you were a little concerned for your future reproductive ability due to the recent rash of penis thefts…
Jeff:
Oh, penis thefts in the condo…
Casey:
That have been going around.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I don’t know if our listeners are aware of this problem. And they may be travelling… Like for example, John [ Blow ] often travels to Africa or has travelled to Africa. I know because there’s a picture of him with a lion or something…
Jeff:
With a cheetah, yeah.
Casey:
A cheetah, yeah. So if you are, like John, going to visit somewhere in West Africa…
Jeff:
The perspective of that picture is all fucked up. I don’t understand. It looks like he’s in front of the lion, like 10 feet in front and they kind of did the thing where they did, like, forced perspective.
Casey:
I don’t know.
Jeff:
No, I don’t know because there’s not enough…
Casey:
I don’t know. I think he actually.
Jeff:
We’re talking about the [ inner product one, right ]?
Casey:
Yeah. Well, because in Africa, there are plenty of places where they’re just like, “Yeah, go in there with the cheetah.”
Jeff:
Oh, yeah, yeah. Totally.
Casey:
“Hopefully it won’t eat you.”
Jeff:
No, right. That lady got chomped, like 2 weeks ago.
Casey:
Yeah, got chomped all up to whatever…
Jeff:
No, no. I understand that. I just… The picture itself says there was…
Casey:
Oh, this is weird?
Jeff:
Well, the way he cropped it way down to get both lion and John in a picture, it looks like a crazy, forced perspective.
Casey:
Maybe. I don’t know. I have to look at it. I never noticed that about it.
Jeff:
I would like to see the whole picture on [ Braid.com ]…
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
John and the lion…
Casey:
I just assumed that it was at one of those places with the thing. But no, I mean, yeah… It could be a cardboard cut-out of a tiger, I guess. That never occurred to me because this was like, “Yeah, you’re in Africa. You go pose with a cheetah. That seems like something people would do.”
Jeff:
You stick your head through a little hole and there’s a drawing of a cheetah.
Casey:
Yeah. Well, anyway…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Point being if you’re travelling to the West African countries…
Jeff:
Be careful.
Casey:
Every so often, this happens.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s like a virus.
Casey:
Every so often, this happens.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They have a problem where some people, there is a rash of claims that someone has stolen or diminutized their male member.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Their male totem, if you will.
Jeff:
This is a big deal there.
Casey:
This is a big deal. It is generally accepted that using witchcraft, it is possible to shrink someone’s penis or remove it entirely.
Jeff:
I don’t remember that from Harry Potter but apparently, they can do that.
Casey:
Yes. Yeah. Harry Potter, no. But perhaps other films that share a similar name in the restricted section…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So… I mean, I know this sounds weird, right, but Christians in our… Like, fucking hardcore Christians down south believe the shit way worse than that, I’m sure. Like penis theft? Yeah, whatever…
Jeff:
Well, I would even say that like…
Casey:
Of course, speaking in tongues… It’s no stranger than this. So it’s just a local fucked up belief in West Africa. Instead of believing that somebody fucking impregnated somebody, virgin birth or all that shit…
Jeff:
No, we do the same thing here…
Casey:
It’s the same shit.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s just a different belief that’s weird to us.
Jeff:
It’s even, to the general… You don’t have to… Like for us, it’s fucking… Killer bees are coming for the..
Casey:
Right, yeah. They’re coming.
Jeff:
The news stories that they put on that are literally designed only to fuck with soccer moms, right, so that they’re sitting home and go, “Oh, honey!” Like the run recently they had, like, “Oh, the meth heads are stealing all the plutonium or platinum..
Casey:
Oh, yeah…
Jeff:
Plutonium would be awesome. But platinum out of the…
Casey:
“Fuck, you really think this is a good idea?”
Jeff:
They’re stealing all…
Casey:
“Michael, we’ve got…”
Jeff:
Don’t do Christopher Lloyd.
Casey:
What the hell is the name of the kid in that?
Jeff:
Marty?
Casey:
Marty. I said Michael because that’s the actor. But [inaudible 29:13] what his name is, Marty…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, they steal the platinum out of catalytic converters. And even better for the soccer mom worrier is the fact that…
Casey:
Okay, soccer moms, let me tell something right now.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Soccer moms… I know you’re making this shit up because soccer moms do not give a fuck about the catalytic converter or they wouldn’t have SUV’s that are fucking 50 tons.
Jeff:
No, that’s why this is so perfect of the soccer moms. They’re always stealing. They steal the catalytic converters only out of SUV’s because A, they’re easy to slide under. And B, they’re great, big fucking catalytic converters.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So no, this is tailor-made for the soccer moms. They’re just sitting there at home going…
Casey:
What does the platinum do?
Jeff:
“Honey, we need to do something about our catalytic converters. Somebody is gonna steal it.” So it’s perfect for that.
Casey:
Okay. So what does platinum do in a catalytic converter?
Jeff:
There’s a little bit of platinum and what’s the even rarer on, palladium or something.
Casey:
Palladium?
Jeff:
There’s a thing there and it’s what they run all the exhausts through . I don’t know the mechanism but there is a little bit in every one…
Casey:
That’s interesting. I have to find out. Okay, well anyway…
Jeff:
Catalytic converter used to be $100. Now they’re like, $600 because of that tiny little bit of metal in them.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
’Cos they’ve gone up. So… But yeah, I mean, they have these stories all the time. But in the Congo, they don’t worry about soccer moms. They worry about the dads.
Casey:
So here’s the thing that strikes me as odd. This is, I think, why… Okay, so in Western nations, in general, a man does not want to advertise the fact that his penis is even slightly smaller normal, let alone missing…
Jeff:
Let along stolen…
Casey:
Okay?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Right? But certainly not small… So even if there were… Like, let’s say there already are in the US…
Jeff:
“I’m sorry, baby. This has never happened to me.”
Casey:
Shamans that are going around, cursing your penis to make it smaller. No one would ever find out. No police report will ever get filed for this crime, okay. There will be no court proceeding.
Jeff:
There’d be, like, Viagra++…
Casey:
Yeah. Now with Penis Guard.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Penis Guard. “Oh, did you take your Penis Guard today?”
Jeff:
There’s people out there… Yeah.
Casey:
So I think that’s the main thing because what’s happening, what happens according to the news reports, anyway… Obviously, I don’t know. I’ve never been to Congo, as far as anyone knows. What happens there is that somebody starts running around screaming that their penis is tiny. “My penis has shrunk!”
Jeff:
Right. Somebody…
Casey:
What the fuck! Who’s gonna do that?
Casey:
If they do an HD Egyptian pyramids, we’re really done. Then it’s like, no one flies anywhere in Africa ever again.
Jeff:
Yep. I had a [ farm ] in Africa. Alright.
Casey:
So that was not the only… I basically… So here’s what happened. Because we were having issues with podcast content, I have collated all the links this time.
Jeff:
You know what, what’s…
Casey:
But a lot of these links come from you.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So I’m merely collating the week’s links into the podcast…
Jeff:
Yes, this is kind of the penis-cast because all…
Casey:
Okay, yes. I was just about to say we had another penis problem. It’s not a theft, if you will.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But it was an arrest.
Jeff:
It wasn’t erect?
Casey:
Arrest.
Jeff:
Alright, I’m sorry. I’m with you.
Casey:
And that is that CNN…
Jeff:
Oh, I remember this.
Casey:
CNN had a bad week…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
I guess is what I’d say.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Okay. So first problem with CNN, penis-wise this time…
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Is that Richard Quest… Now, I don’t know who that is until I read this news that you sent me.
Jeff:
I believe he’s their financial dude, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. This is the dude in Central Park?
Casey:
He was arrested in Central Park. And he was arrested and according to the news… This is what the news report said. I’m just going to read the sentence. I’m not going to embellish it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It said that he was found with some drugs in his pocket.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They led with that, “some drugs in his pocket”. Okay, someone with drugs in their pocket, not that surprising.
Jeff:
He’s talent. So they have drug.
Casey:
Comma…
Jeff:
Yeah, comma?
Casey:
“A rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot.”
Jeff:
In his boot?
Casey:
In his boot.
Jeff:
That’s their kinda… That’s how they get it in the family newspaper?
Casey:
I have no idea.
Jeff:
They say boot? So…
Casey:
Oh, you think boot means butt?
Jeff:
Yes. I’m positive it means butt.
Casey:
Are you serious?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
What I read did not have anything about that.
Jeff:
Well, like, that’s…
Casey:
What was it? What’s the sex toy?
Jeff:
I’m assuming it’s like… So he’s the financial guy?
Casey:
You’re ASSuming?
Jeff:
I’m ASSuming. He’s their financial so I don’t know, it’s a Rubini butt plug or something like, “Whoo, doing a great job!”
Casey:
A special… A Rubini brand butt plug?
Jeff:
Yeah, like, it’s a low interest rate butt plug.
Casey:
A Greenspan butt plug?
Jeff:
Greenspan butt plug…
Casey:
So a rope around his neck and genitals in Central Park. So how did… So I guess… Here’s the thing, right? Sometimes, I am self-critical, you know… We already pointed out the fact that I’m narcissistic. So pretty much, I’m never thinking that I’m a bad person or anything. That isn’t in my mind. I think I’m great, right?
Jeff:
That doesn’t come up.
Jeff:
I think…
Casey:
Who’s gonna fucking do that?
Jeff:
My understanding of how this all starts…
Casey:
Because even if they catch the guy, your penis is still small. It’s not gonna get any bigger. It’s not gonna get better like, after the… The problem’s not gonna get fixed.
Jeff:
No, they usually kill people for this.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
So what happens is they stone them or whatever. It’s bad news, right…
Casey:
They burn them alive.
Jeff:
So that apparently breaks the shrinkage.
Casey:
No, it doesn’t break the shrinkage. This is what they were talking about. Like, the police people are like, “Well, it’s still there.” Like, they asked to see the penis when they said it’s gone. And they’re like, “Well, yeah, it’s still here but it’s much smaller now.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
They are claiming that it’s much smaller now. Who says that?
Jeff:
I just think the…
Casey:
Unreal…
Jeff:
It’s bizarre.
Casey:
The same thing happened in India where I was just like, “I don’t get it,” right? There was a huge thing in India where everyone basically said, “Hey, condoms are too large. They’re not working for us as a culture,” right? And it’s just like, “Okay, maybe that’s a problem in America, too.” They’re never going to say that, right? There never is gonna be a set of men that come out and go, “You know what, these condoms are way too fucking big for our tiny little cocks. Could you please make the small size. We’ll all buy them.”
Jeff:
“Yeah, I want the Magnums.”
Casey:
“I’m a proud [inaudible 33:15] member of the mini-condoms.”
Jeff:
“You know, forget the Magnums. I’ll take the sandwich bags. I’ll just use a… You know what, I’ll take that heft bag and I’ll use the little twist tie to tie it up. It’ll be fine.”
Casey:
But no, they’re going in here and they’re being like, “Do you have the Spongebob Squarepants kiddie condom? That’s what I’m looking for. I need something in a boys size, you know.” I don’t get that, right? I think it’s great if it ends up being fine and men are okay with this. But at the same time, I know they’re not. So what is going on?
Jeff:
I have no idea. I don’t understand at all.
Casey:
Anyway…
Jeff:
I think the… I’m more interested in their version of a viral video is all of a sudden…
Casey:
Penis got stolen…
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, usually…
Casey:
Someone stole my penis.
Jeff:
Here’s what usually starts this is there’s a disagreement and then one of them says, “I put a hex on your penis.” Like, why do you go there? That’s like the triple dog dare only it backfires on you because…
Casey:
Well, it’s like kicking the nuts.
Jeff:
It’s like pretty much you go there, either the guy screams…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It starts hysteria and you end up burned alive. Like, there’s no good win for that. You’ve got to pick something. Make fun of his mother, do something else.
Casey:
Well, it’s all a win, commercially, though, like you said because it’s basically like… It leads to like the penis protection pill or like [ Cockjack ], the thing that locates their cock after it’s been stolen or something like that. It’s like a little tracking device.
Jeff:
“Do you have a [ Cockjack ] on you?”
Casey:
It’s like a cock ring that has a transmitter in it. Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
We’re getting closer. We’re getting closer. Yeah. No, that’s awesome.
Casey:
So, okay…
Jeff:
The little dial is just actually a unit that’s rotating around left, right…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Oh, brother.
Casey:
So yeah, okay, penis problems, be aware of it. It happens periodically. It happened before in Benen. I don’t know how to pronounce that, Benen.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Back in 2001, they had a rash of penis problems, a penis rash, if you will.
Jeff:
Penis rash?
Casey:
Yeah. So that was no good. And that was not…
Jeff:
If you list the places I’d like to visit… Like, that appears on my list with a negative priority. Like, the only way I get to Africa is if I’m sent there forcibly.
Casey:
Me, too.
Jeff:
There’s nothing…
Casey:
Yeah, I have zero interest in visiting…
Jeff:
Zero interest. Anything I want to see in Africa, I’d rather go see at the zoo.
Casey:
Or in HD.
Jeff:
But I don’t want to wrestle the cheetah. I just want to look at the cheetah behind the fucking glass and go, “That’s cute. It’s not going to bite me or my friends.”
Casey:
“Planet Earth” solved the problem.
Jeff:
Yes, exactly.
Casey:
It’s like, thanks to “Planet Earth”…
Jeff:
HD “Planet Earth”…
Casey:
Americans no longer have to go to Africa for any reason. It’s just done. We’re finished.
Jeff:
Yep, that’s it.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. That doesn’t come up. But I do go like, “Oh, you know, this was bad. I shouldn’t do this,” or, “This was a stupid thing to do,” or, “I should try to do this better,” right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But I’m trying to figure out what I would be thinking the day I get arrested in a public park with a rope around my genitals and neck.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
What goes through your mind? What goes through your mind about life changes you have to make as a result of this event? Okay? Where does my brain start processing this? “I took the neck-genital rope thing a little too far today. I should cut back on it.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Or, “Wow, I’m really fucked up.” What is the thought process here?
Jeff:
I think you probably learn to tie slipknots so that when the police comes, you just do a little maneuver and… Whoop! I think…
Casey:
Or even better, you tie a slipknot so it can’t be undone. So just the police wrestling you with it just adds to the fun.
Jeff:
Oh, yeah.
Casey:
“Oh, this is great. Uniforms. We just added uniforms. Oh, that’s even better.”
Jeff:
Well, I like… So this guy was a…
Casey:
“If someone could call the fire department, man, I am going to burst.”
Jeff:
“This is perfect.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I like the master criminal response to when…
Casey:
Master criminal?
Jeff:
Yeah, well, the police approached him and said, “Sir, the park’s closed.” And he responded with…
Casey:
That’s right. The news article said that he said, “I have some meth in my pocket.”
Jeff:
That’s the first thing he said. They didn’t say like, “Sir, do you have any meth?” They didn’t say… They said, “The park is closed.” He says, “I have some meth in my pocket.”
Casey:
It might have been like, “I have some meth in my pocket. Do you want to get high with me?”
Jeff:
I’m assuming that, like, usually the criminals are so eager to, like, accidentally incriminate themselves…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, 90% of arrests could be avoided if you just shut your fucking mouth. Don’t say anything. Don’t say hi to the policeman.
Casey:
Well, that’s the right to remain silent. They have to fucking tell you you have the right to remain silent…
Jeff:
Give them your name, look down at the ground, and say nothing. Don’t tell them where you live. Don’t tell them…
Casey:
Don’t tell them your name. Give them your driver’s license because they’re going to ask for that anyway. “Here’s my driver’s license.”
Jeff:
You shouldn’t even do that.
Casey:
No?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
What should you give them?
Jeff:
Because you give them your driver’s license, that might be where your meth is. You say…
Casey:
Okay. Do not reach into a pocket. Just say, “This is my name.”
Jeff:
Because you reach into your pocket…
Casey:
And they’ll shoot you, too, is the problem in New York, yeah…
Jeff:
And then when you’re going to reach into your pocket and you’re gonna untie the genital loop and something’s going to go wrong. Don’t do it. Your name, you look down to the ground, and say, “I’d like a lawyer.” 90% of people get off once you do that. Like…
Casey:
Well, this guy got off before…
Jeff:
Yeah, this guy was getting off…
Casey:
He even did that. I’ll tell you that right now.
Jeff:
During and through… And so, yeah… I just… You’re just like, “Oh, man, I have meth. Oh, sorry, I meant I have some matches in my pocket and meth… I mean, I’m sorry… No, I mean, I have… I work at CNN and meth. I mean, I’m sorry. I was just here in the park with meth. I mean, I’m sorry…” Like, just shut up.
Casey:
Well, you know, I had another question along those same lines which was…
Jeff:
With meth?
Casey:
I had never been to prison. But I feel like I understand what happens in prison thanks to its, I’m sure, extremely accurate portrayal in movies…
Jeff:
In modern media…
Casey:
And what happens in the movies…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
When you go to prison in, like, this case…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Which is like, you’re just there overnight… So we’re putting you in hardcore… It’s not the prison anal rape thing…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That we see in movies or doing time, playing softball in the yard or whatever the fuck happens, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
What happens in movies when you’re in prison overnight is the next day, you walk to 2… Well, it looks like a doctor’s office except for the fact that the place where you’d normally talk to the receptionist has a plastic thing in front of it, okay?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And what happens is the person behind there gives you back the shit that you had when you were arrested.
Jeff:
A lot of Formica. Yes.
Casey:
What is happening to this guy the next day? Um, “1 rope, 1 [inaudible 43:07] signature butt plug…”
Jeff:
Yep, in a baggie…
Casey:
In a baggie… “Meth removed…” Like, what…
Jeff:
“Where is my meth?”
Casey:
What is the deal with that? Who’s… And people watching on, they see… I mean, this is what they see, right? Somebody who doesn’t know who this guy is… I didn’t know who this guy was and I, like, read finances. So some fucking other junkie who’s in there, he’s not going to know who this guy is. All he sees is he goes up the window and they’re like, “Here’s your stuff back.” They hand him back a small length of rope with a neck-sized knot and a cock-sized knot. And he’s like, “Thanks for that.” And he, like, has a look on his face like, “My security blanket. My long-lost friend. Thank you. I’m gonna go home and reunite with this.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And then out comes the butt plug. I just want to know what people are doing when they’re looking at…
Jeff:
“Do you have a place I could change?” “Yeah, I don’t..”
Casey:
“I’d like to wear it out. Can I wear it out of the store?” And that’s like, the sneakers, right?
Jeff:
The American thing would be checking out there and saying, “Where’s my meth?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Like, “What?”
Casey:
Yeah, “I had meth when you put… I’m gonna need that. It’s fucking expensive.”
Jeff:
No, let’s say you don’t…
Casey:
“I just [ steal the ] palladium out of a fucking catalytic converter to make this shit.”
Jeff:
Yeah, like, what would happen is they don’t find the meth. It’s in your wallet or something. They just put your wallet in there.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You get your wallet back. You flip through it and go, “Where’s the meth?”
Casey:
That was in there. Yeah.
Jeff:
That would be the American criminal. Like…
Casey:
No, he’d be like, “Where’s the meth? Oh, wait, no. It’s still here.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“Never mind.”
Jeff:
“I’m fine.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Oh, not anymore… Yeah, that happens… The dumb criminal of the week…
Casey:
Is pretty bad.
Jeff:
Is pretty bad. Like, the dude who… You know, he went to his drug dealer and the drug dealer wouldn’t take a check for the coke that he wanted. So he called the police. He said, “He won’t take a check for my coke.”
Casey:
No way.
Jeff:
Called the police…
Casey:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Jeff:
He called the police and said, “He wouldn’t take a check. It’s legal tender. What?” It’s the most crazy thing I’ve ever…
Casey:
What do the police… The police must be incredulous, now. They might be like, “Okay, I just want to remind you, sir, you are asking me to come investigate your inability to purchase an illegal substance.”
Jeff:
Right. Yeah. Like, I think that’s why police… I mean, like, they obviously have a hard job. I don’t like cops. They drive me insane. I think they attract a personality type that I’m allergic to and is not good to be in power, anyway.
Casey:
It’s a Stanford Prison Experiment, nationalized.
Jeff:
Globally, yeah. So there’s that. But at the same time, the sheer stupidity they must swim in all day long….
Casey:
They might not start out fucked up, right? But after the 15th time that some dude calls you and complains that their drug dealer didn’t give them as much meth as they had paid for…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You’re probably like, “I fucking hate humans.”
Jeff:
Yeah. “Hey, yeah. I’m selling this guy some weed and he didn’t pay.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I wrote his license plate down.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“Okay. Where are you, sir?” “Here’s my address.” “Okay, thanks. We’ll look into it.” And he’s like, “Fucking pigs arrested me.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You’re like, “No, you should’ve been arrested because if you weren’t selling dope, you’d be endangering us all somehow, just in your sheer stupidity.” So… Yeah, the American criminal.
Casey:
Very embarrassing.
Jeff:
There you go.
Casey:
You know what the problem is, is that nowadays, all our good criminals go into finance. So the smart criminals are gone, right? The Alright Capone’s and the shit, they all… They just have companies.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So they don’t have to worry about all the minutiae, right?
Jeff:
Well, the young Republicans get them early and focus them…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Get them on the path…
Casey:
So now, all you’re left with is a retarded criminals. So it seems worse than it is.
Jeff:
Well, this happens… We’ve had this talk before where you see these stories of politicians that get busted, right, and they’re like, “Oh, they found the cash in his freezer,” right?
Casey:
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
And, it’s always like, “Yeah, they found him with a hundred thousand Dollars.” And you’re like, “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what it cost?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Because if it cost $100,000 to buy a senator…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
That’s ridiculously cheap.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I mean, they control the purse strings for trillions of Dollars. This is amazing.
Casey:
Well, this is the thing, though… This is the thing, Jeff. This is the problem, right, it’s the same thing with the rest of democracy, right? It’s not that it’s hard to win elections. It’s not that it’s hard to buy off senators. It’s not that it’s hard. It’s that no one fucking does it, right? You probably have never bothered to go found out how you could pay $100,000 to get the fucking Jeff Roberts Memorial built in downtown Kirkland. But you could tomorrow, right? “Democracy is run by the people who show up.” It’s a famous quote. And it’s totally true. And it doesn’t just mean…
Jeff:
The politicians.
Casey:
The people who bothered to run. It’s also the people who bothered to buy them off.
Jeff:
And bitch.
Casey:
It’s all that shit, right? All that shit. It’s totally true.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. Right now, someone out there in the world is wondering why they don’t have their own podcast on the internet and we do. And that’s the same fucking answer. It’s because we set up the microphones on Saturday. That’s what it takes. And then you put it on a website. The same thing is true of everything else.
Jeff:
Because certainly, we don’t spend any effort accumulating any material…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Especially since we have so many…
Casey:
Avid listeners…
Jeff:
Avid listeners…
Casey:
Rabid fans…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And the same is true for just the running in political office, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You look at the ballot. There’s not a hundred people running for any given position, right?
Jeff:
No, right, right.
Casey:
You want to be on city council? There’s 4 fucking people.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You run 4 times…
Jeff:
You’ll win.
Casey:
Your odds are probably good that you’ll get on there.
Jeff:
Yep. If you want to be in local government…
Casey:
Local government, you’re done, right? I mean, it’s just fucking done.
Jeff:
Yep. I agree.
Casey:
There’s probably people on there that would never hold a public office. They’re on there. Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep. Pedophiles…
Casey:
Yeah, they’ve got a rope around their neck, their anus, and their genitals…
Jeff:
No, no. I’m saying they’re known sex predators…
Casey:
Known sex offenders, yeah…
Jeff:
And they like, “Yeah, we won what… It’s only for the school board…”
Casey:
“But the other guy was pro-choice, you know, so we weren’t going to vote for him.”
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right.
Casey:
Or whatever… Or he was an atheist. He was an atheist so we had to go with the pedophile, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because at least, the pedophile was a priest so we knew that he would be…
Jeff:
And it’s only the school board. So it’s not like he has control of any real money.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Wait, what?
Casey:
Wait, what? He just wanted to be recess monitor so we said fine.
Jeff:
So you had… Now, CNN… There was something else at CNN, if I remember right…
Casey:
CNN had a double header. Like I said, there was Richard Quest…
Jeff:
Double header?
Casey:
Right. Double header, yeah. He was the neck and balls… Neck and balls Richard Quest…
Jeff:
Neck and balls butt plug…
Casey:
The other one had nothing to do with penises…
Jeff:
Oh, wait. We shouldn’t even talk about that, then.
Casey:
Yeah, probably not. This was Jack Cafferty, another person, I don’t know who they are.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Because I don’t watch CNN. I don’t know who these fucking people are.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Wolf Blitzer, is he still around? I heard of him.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
He was on when I was in school. He was on.
Jeff:
Yeah, I think so. I think…
Casey:
I was in fucking high school and he was on the TV.
Jeff:
I think the Wolf man is still on, yep.
Casey:
He had a little problem because apparently, he called the Chinese “the same bunch of goons and thugs they’ve been for the past 50 years. Now, not the Chinese people, the Chinese government, right?
Jeff:
Okay. They have very thin skin.
Casey:
That did not go over well.
Jeff:
Yeah. They don’t like that shit.
Casey:
And boy did they hit back hard.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They hit back hard by filing a lawsuit requesting damages to the tune of $14.31.
Jeff:
31 cents? I see… Now, this was Hong Kong, not China…
Casey:
Well, China is…
Jeff:
Well, no, but the…
Casey:
It’s a wealthier part of China.
Jeff:
Well, yeah. I mean, Hong Kong is, like, the third or fourth most expensive city to live in.
Casey:
First, right?
Jeff:
I thought it was actually… Moscow was number 1.
Casey:
Oh.
Jeff:
I’m pretty sure Moscow is the most expensive place to live in.
Casey:
How is that possible?
Jeff:
Because everything is ridiculous there.
Casey:
No, I guess what I’m saying is why would anyone live in Moscow. If it was that expensive, everyone would leave, right?
Jeff:
It’s the best place in Russia. And Russia is a big fucking country.
Casey:
That’s a good point.
Jeff:
That’s where… Yeah, it’s a grip heavy… It’s kind of the worst of all possible things. It’s supposed to be a new place to visit, actually, now. But yeah, anyway, so $14 isn’t like, the thing where you’re like, “Oh, you got sued in Mexico for 20 million Pesos and you know… What I can make that out of my pocket change…” This is actually a little amount of money…
Casey:
I just looked it up.
Jeff:
What’d you look up?
Casey:
To find out where Hong Kong was. I used the power of the interweb for the first time during this, during our entire podcast. I used the internet in the middle of the podcast.
Jeff:
Wow. Okay. We’re going to be accurate about something? ‘Cos it’s almost better to be wrong…
Casey:
So the one time I bothered to use the internet, you were already right that it was Moscow.
Jeff:
Okay, it was Moscow?
Casey:
So that’s the problem because the other hundred times that you said shit with the 500-pound raccoon, I wasn’t using the internet…
Jeff:
Maybe… Yeah.
Casey:
So this was a complete waste of time.
Jeff:
No, this is awesome. Maybe this will be, like, you’ll start believing everything else I tell you. This is good.
Casey:
So Hong Kong is number 5.
Jeff:
Number 5? Okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
London, 2?
Casey:
London was number 2.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And…
Jeff:
I can’t think of what would be 3. I could only think of 3 and 4…
Casey:
It’s not a list but… Oh, Seoul and Tokyo are 3 and 4.
Jeff:
Yeah, Tokyo would be up there, of course.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
So you’re telling me that someone’s like, “Oh, I could live more cheaply in New York, Tokyo, or Hong Kong.” And I’m like, “No, I gotta…” Oh, I just realized what it is. It’s your Russian girl fetish thing that you have that you talked about in the previous podcast. There must be all these people who are really into Russian women that I don’t get…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
And you guys are all going to Moscow…
Jeff:
Driving to [inaudible 53:14]
Casey:
Driving to [inaudible 53:15] You’re like, “It’s awesome here. All the women are so beautiful.”
Jeff:
I think it’s just that, like…
Casey:
It’s cold as fuck, right?
Jeff:
You have to be, like, a billionaire to live there almost. It’s pretty out of control because there are a lot… There’s a lot of wealth moved from the public hands to the privates hands in the…
Casey:
Oh, when they did the whole, like, communism collapsing thing?
Jeff:
Exactly.
Casey:
I see.
Jeff:
So, yeah… And it’s all very low taxes…
Casey:
I remember reading that, actually. I read that one of the richest men in the world who is Russian is starting a magazine called Snob.
Jeff:
Snob?
Casey:
It’s Snob magazine.
Jeff:
Is that in English? Or does that mean, like, diamond in Russian?
Casey:
That is not the Russian word, snob. It is the English word, snob.
Jeff:
Okay. Well, honest…
Casey:
Snob magazine… And it is basically about being… It’s a magazine for people who are rich or want to be rich and are basically like, you know…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Just admitting that fact. They’re not trying to, like… They’re not every man. They want to be rich.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
They want to be rich and famous and better than you and this is the magazine for you.
Jeff:
Awesome. So you know, diamond studded dog collars, that kind of stuff?
Casey:
I’m sure.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I’m sure.
Jeff:
Alrighty, Snob… Look it up.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
Yeah, CNN, that’s the double whammy for them, right?
Casey:
That’s the…
Jeff:
That’s the good action.
Casey:
So I think that’s all of our stuff for this week.
Jeff:
That’s what we got [inaudible 54:43] You know what, not only that, I’ve got the kidney stone action. So yet more…
Casey:
Have you passed your stones yet?
Jeff:
No. Tuesday. I’m getting zap-a-matic.
Casey:
Oh, man. That’s going to suck.
Jeff:
So we’ve got a full podcast full of…
Casey:
That’s right.
Jeff:
Penis goodness.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
And then, you’re going to put your own penis to work on Tuesday.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, it’s actually a little…
Casey:
Do you think you’ll be able to recover by next weekend?
Jeff:
Well, I don’t know. I actually thought this weekend, I might end up being pretty doped up but I’ve had no trouble with the stones. It isn’t totally penis-related. It’s mostly upstream.
Casey:
You were claiming that the penis part is not the hard part.
Jeff:
Nope, that’s easy-peasy.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
It’s kidney to bladder…
Casey:
Kidney to bladder?
Jeff:
Not the way it should go…
Casey:
That’s the heartbreak hill?
Jeff:
Heartbreak hill, yep. So yeah, next week, I should be getting drugged.
Casey:
Alright, so everyone write in to Podcast@MollyRocket.com and wish Jeff and speedy kidney stone recovery.
Jeff:
Yeah, happy stones. Happy stones…
Casey:
Passage and recovery.
Jeff:
And [inaudible 55:49] we will be back next week in doped form but yes, we’ll be back for sure.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Alright, thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Alright. Take it easy.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 9
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