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The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
The Manual Process of Checking the Archives
"I'm the gangster who gets caught on every doorway."
Original air date: March 23rd, 2008
Topics. Futuristic warfare. Retarded gangsters. Florida. Airport security. Robotic colonoscopies. Checking the archives. Death ray: manta. Rocketman.
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Transcript
Jeff:
Okay, hey, everybody. Welcome to the Jeff & Casey podcast. It's Easter evening.
Casey:
Oh, yes. It is Easter evening.
Jeff:
Yep. Easter totally snuck up on me. Yeah, John Blow reminded me.
Casey:
It did, like a sneaky little rabbit
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
How did John Blow remind you it was Easter?
Jeff:
He just sent me an email that said happy Easter. And I was like, “Oh, yeah. I totally forgot.”
Casey:
John Blow sent you an email that said happy Easter?
Jeff:
Oh, we talked about other stuff but he just… The salutation was happy Easter.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Yep. So it was a little crazy. This whole week’s been weird because I spent the week in Florida visiting my pop and my bros and went down there.
Casey:
That’s right. We have not seen you for a week.
Jeff:
Yeah. Florida is an amazing place, let me tell you.
Casey:
It’s where old people go to die.
Jeff:
It’s where the old people go. There are so many old people there, it is just freakish. I mean, I don’t know what it’s like. I mean, it’s like going amongst… Everyone has white hair. Everyone is paunchy. They have no…
Casey:
It’s like a Charles Dickens story, right, where they’re like, “I’m gonna show you in the future when everyone… When you’re old,” and you’re in there like, “No, take me back to the present. I’ll be good. I’ll give away all my money. Just don’t make me drive a golf cart and use a walker with a Supermart shopping bag on the front to get my groceries.”
Jeff:
It was brutal. There were so many old people there. And there’s a funny thing that happens, too. As they get older, they have less shame. Like, I saw more Speedos…
Casey:
Shame is like a… Oh… Whoa.
Jeff:
No, I’m saying like beach Speedos, fat old men, with white ass gray chest hair just styling with catcher’s mitt skin. Like, “Hey, I’m here…”
Casey:
It’s like a whale with a rubber band around his tail…
Jeff:
Like, “Take me in, mother fucker. Take me in.” So they just don’t care. They just don’t care. And you’re just walking around going, “Yikes.” So, yeah, it was a little crazy. The flight s brutal…
Casey:
Maybe it’s more like a water balloon where you hold the bottom and it kinda spills out.
Jeff:
It spills out the top… Something was going on physically there that was not appropriate.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But yeah, it’s a brutal trip. You fly down there. I was gone for 5 days and 2 of the days were travel.
Casey:
I hate that shit. That is the problem with travel these days is it’s just like, “Hey, you can now go anywhere but it’s just in that… It’s not a week-long caravan but it’s just long enough to be a real pain in the ass. You don’t just do it casually. You’re like, “Oh, boy. Here it comes.”
Jeff:
Here it comes. And then the airport’s like… The lines are just getting worse. The security is bad, blablabla…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Even the stupid restaurants within the airport nowadays are like… They’re kinda fancying up there. There’s Chili’s and Friday’s and stuff inside the airport.
Casey:
Everyone’s competing for foofiest, terminal…
Jeff:
Yeah, which is like…
Casey:
They deck it up in marble and glass and it’s like… And it’s still fucking, you know…
Jeff:
It’s still an airport terminal.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
I’m still stuck there. I still can’t go anywhere.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So you know, save it. They’ve introduced the new line. It says, “Please wait to be seated.” It’s like, “No, I’ll fucking sit where I want.”
Casey:
Yeah. We need another line at the airport.
Jeff:
Yeah. We need another line.
Casey:
Or they have to check your ID. And you have to have a boarding pass. It’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. That meal is only for people who are in 1st class. You’re going to have to eat the other meal.
Jeff:
It’s just ridiculous. It’s like, just give me your shitty food that you shit, peed, or came on, and shut up.
Casey:
Well, more importantly, it’s like it’s been sitting there, you know, whatever, it got delivered into the airport sometime that morning or a couple days ago or whatever. It’s what’s not going to the planes. The same thing that’s going into the shitty airline food, it’s like they’re backing that out to the customers in front.
Jeff:
Totally. It’s been x-rayed like 50 times.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
You know, it’s just not the way it should… “Just give me the food, shut up, and let me go sit back down at the gate and hope,” because that’s all you can do.
Casey:
You know what’s interesting about the security checkpoints is there’s all the heightened and stuff. It’s like, it is universally true… I don’t care which airport you are in, what airline you are flying, where you are going, or what you are doing. If I had the security check some people in that area, it would be the security check people. They are always the sketchiest looking people, right?
Jeff:
Yes, totally.
Casey:
It’s like, all the people in the line, they don’t look at all threatening to me. The dudes running the x-ray machine or waving you through or, most importantly (by far most importantly), the dude who checks off, makes the little marker mark on your thing… I want that dude strip-searched. I want you to take a glove up his ass and find out what he is hiding because I do not trust them 1 bit.
Jeff:
Very scary-faced.
Casey:
They look at you in this weird way that’s not normal. They kinda have… They’re not the right-shaped body. They’re kind of a little bit weird-looking…
Jeff:
They’re wearing Speedos under their clothes.
Casey:
Their pants are too high… Yeah, maybe. It’s just… It’s wrong. So I don’t understand why they’re spending all this time checking… Why am I taking my shoes off when Mr. Troll Toes over here, you know, it’s like… Yeah, exactly. It’s crazy.
Jeff:
Checking you out… Yeah, it’s not the way it should go. I was actually thinking about this. I think… So, you know they have long security lines.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And then they also have little shortcuts if you’re 1st class.
Casey:
Right, or really late.
Jeff:
Right. I don’t know of any other governmental agency where you can buy your way into a… It’s like at the post office. It’s like, “41 cents and if you’re willing to pay 45, you’re in this line,” right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s just bizarre that there’s this weird thing going on in the line where you could…
Casey:
No, it’s not bizarre.
Jeff:
No, I just… It never is egregious…
Casey:
The bizarre part is the part that it is readily apparent to you that you can pay to go… Right? All other aspects of government, I don’t care what you’re talking about… Whether you’re talking about “I need to arrange a hoe for when I’m in Washington, DC” all the way to “Could you please help me get out of the country during the 9/11 lockdown?” There’s always a way to pay to get better service.
Jeff:
You just never see it in your face.
Casey:
It’s just not out there, yeah. It’s not like… There’s not a separate little area marked off that says, “Here’s where you go to pay off the politicians.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
They don’t have that, right?
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
But it exists. You just don’t see it.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is there is a place in the post office you can go to to get stamps in a shorter line, we’re just not rich enough to know where it is?
Casey:
Dude… There’s free franking privileges for congress.
Jeff:
No, there’s a backdoor to the post office.
Casey:
They don’t have to pay or wait in line, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So there’s plenty of that.
Jeff:
There’s a backdoor at the post office. You go in and there’s, like, it’s a spa-like environment and they do your nails while you order your stamps…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And, “Can I get you a latte?” And, yeah…
Casey:
While we’re on the subject of offices in government and things like this, I want to know if I’m the only one who has this experience but normally, whenever I’m at some kind of a situation… I go to the supermarket maybe once every couple days. I do supermarket shopping a lot.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
You know, I shop… I do supermarket shopping a lot. Fresh produce, whatever… Sometimes, when I’m going to the checkout lines, one of the checkout lines will close and I’ll most to another one, right?
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
That happens maybe once every couple of months at a place I go to nearly every day but definitely multiple times a week.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I go to the DMV once every 5 years tops.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Every damn time, tons of them close in front of you.
Jeff:
Oh, you’ve got the opposite action.
Casey:
It’s like there’s a mass exodus. Yeah. It’s like they must close a window every 5 minutes, basically. It’s like, “No, you know what, I gotta go on break. Back it up. It’s break time.” Same thing at the post office. I’m standing there and there’s like 3 people, one of whom replaced somebody just recently. And that person’s like, “Okay, I gotta go on break. This has been… It’s been 15 minutes.”
Jeff:
It’s a good action.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s incredible.
Jeff:
Well, the awesome thing also about…
Casey:
Of course, to be fair, when I actually was gainfully employed into the program, I took a break every 5 minutes, too. So not really criticizing. I’m just saying it’s definitely in the supermarket.
Jeff:
Just pointing it out? Yeah, I see. I see. Well, yeah, that’s not pretty. Well speaking of the Governmental Privileges Act…
Casey:
To which I alluded…
Jeff:
Right. There’s been some updates on the Spitzer thing this week that were kind of a downer for… What’s her name? Do we know?
Casey:
I don’t know and probably neither did he.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I’m guessing.
Jeff:
Oh, he knew. It just, you know, was like Galaxy or…
Casey:
He knew a different name.
Jeff:
Yeah. Charity… Yeah, let’s call her Charity. So Charity kinda got hosed this week…
Casey:
Yeah, you know what, actually, let’s… There’s something that that just made me think of which I didn’t think of last week which is really when we should have covered this aspect of the topic.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
You said last week… because I thought it was $4,500 an hour for the stripper.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Not stripper. Hoe.
Jeff:
Hoe?
Casey:
Yeah, call girl or escort.
Jeff:
Okay, escort.
Casey:
This is high-priced so it’s an escort.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
I thought it was $4,500 an hour…
Jeff:
Which, by the way, is funny because the Ford Escort is the shittiest car there is.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s true. That is true.
Jeff:
You buy a Ford Escort…
Casey:
You’re never going to get an escort…
Jeff:
You’re never going to get an escort, right. No. The hoes are in the Escort…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Right. Okay.
Casey:
So the escort was, I thought, one of those… You corrected me and I believed accurately so in saying that, no, it was that some were $4,500 an hour. This one was $1,000 an hour and it was for 4 hours. The thing I failed to ask at that point is what was going on for 4 hours. Because normally, you might think like, “Oh, it’s an escort service, right? They’re going out to dinner or an event or something and you’re pretending you’re with this person.” He’s a public figure. That didn’t happen.
Jeff:
They’re not going anywhere.
Casey:
The entire 4 hours was behind closed doors, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And presumably, it wasn’t chatting.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So this was a series… There was a series of sexual events happening here.
Jeff:
Possibly. No, that’s possible or it could have just been they just wanted to talk, you know. They have to wait for the Viagra to kick in…
Casey:
Okay, that’s right.
Jeff:
So there’s a period of time in which you’re idle. It’s like, “Hey, do you want to watch Wild Hogs?”
Casey:
Yeah. “While we’re at it…” Okay.
Jeff:
They’re just watching some pay-per-view at the hotel, you know, ordering up some stuff. You don’t want to order any porn because it will look bad on the receipt.
Casey:
Right. Well, you’ll want to order porn as room # 9 presumably so that no one know that it you who was ordering the porn.
Jeff:
I like that… If you notice nowadays, they always say, “The movie is not listed on your bill,” right?
Casey:
Yeah. Right. Well, you have to because…
Jeff:
Right. But wait… You get in trouble, right?
Casey:
Yeah. You get in trouble with somebody.
Jeff:
Okay. But now, normal movies are 7.99 but the porns are all 14.95. It’s like you might as well say that it was “Cum Buckets 25” because the price totally exposes you.
Casey:
Well, see, what they need to do is go the extra step and it’s like, “This single porn movie will be listed as 2 regular movies on your bill for extra added discreetness,” you know what I mean?
Jeff:
Oh, that’s awesome. Right. They should charge for the extra discreetness. Like it’s 15.95 if you want…
Casey:
Discreetness charge…
Jeff:
Yeah, discreetness charge.
Casey:
Actually, this should just be a whole… It should be like porn MasterCard, like porn Masters Visa, right? Like, “We change all the fucking names.”
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
“We guarantee you that it adds up to the same amount on your bill,” but it is all bullshit.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Like, we pick up things… Donation to women’s breast cancer fund will show up three times on every one of your bills…
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
Children’s charities will show up.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
The Jane Austen Restoration Foundation every month.
Jeff:
Right. The escort service, you are donating huge amounts of money to penguin safety.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
That is awesome.
Casey:
I like that. That would be a great… Porn Masters Visa…
Jeff:
Maybe the Visa IPO will do that now.
Casey:
Oh, totally.
Jeff:
They’re freed from their shackles.
Casey:
How to get new customers…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s awesome. There’s a funny… I once… My credit card didn’t work online.
Casey:
What?
Jeff:
I was trying to play I can’t remember what poker site it was…
Casey:
Oh, okay.
Jeff:
And you know, you put 200 bucks at a time or whatever… It all of a sudden stopped working.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So I called them up and I said, “Hey, dude…”
Casey:
“I can’t play my poker.”
Jeff:
“I can’t play… You know, it didn’t work at this site.”
Casey:
Me and Charles Bloom are about to throw down. This is bullshit.” Yeah.
Jeff:
And the guy goes, “That’s because poker’s illegal.” That was his response.
Casey:
That’s what he said?
Jeff:
That’s what he said to me. I’m like, I have nothing to say. I just had to go, “Thank you.”
Casey:
Oh, man.
Jeff:
Yeah, but what do you say? Yeah, I was pissed. I was pissed but I was pissed…
Casey:
So that shit is actually blocked at the credit card now?
Jeff:
The awesome thing is Visa and MasterCard are normally the same thing like for all intents and purposes. In fact, our servicing company, it doesn’t distinguish between…
Casey:
It’s like, whatever, Visa or MasterCard.
Jeff:
But, there are a few crucial differences and they have to do with the kinds of things they allow to do like MasterCard lets you do that and Visa doesn’t. There’s weird things like that.
Casey:
Now, since it’s against the law to… Not for you, I don’t believe, right?
Jeff:
The annoying thing is…
Casey:
It’s not actually the person who’s trying to play the poker. It’s, like, the bank transaction is illegal. It was some weird shit like that, right?
Jeff:
No, it’s…
Casey:
They didn’t go like, “Poker’s illegal,” because then people would be like, “What the fuck? There goes ESPN 4 or whatever…”
Jeff:
Well, poker is illegal. There’s just no way to attack that at a point that makes any sense. They did close down some of the poker sites but they popped right back up and all that.
Casey:
Or on C-Link or something.
Jeff:
Right. But I assume that Visa says, “Oh, poker’s illegal,” that’s not really what it is. It’s probably really that they get 90% charge backs from people saying, “I didn’t lose $5,000.”
Casey:
Oh, exactly.
Jeff:
But that…
Casey:
So long story short, there’s no poker for you anymore.
Jeff:
Well, long and short is I need my nasty gram Visa card that does the swizzling. . .
Casey:
You know what you should’ve done? You should’ve been like, “Dude, I’m playing from my laptop. I’m in a teepee right now on an Indian reservation trying play this poker game. You have no jurisdiction. Charge my fucking card, asshole.”
Jeff:
Yeah, I was just like… Well, I totally didn’t expect the answer. I assumed it was like, “Oh, no. It was because you bought some airplane tickets…” And then it’s a security thing and they’re like, “Oh, sure. I’ll fix it.” They’re like, “No, I’m sorry…” Well, not even “I’m sorry”. “That’s because poker is illegal.” And you’re just like, immediate shrinkage.
Casey:
You should’ve been like, “I between you 50 bucks it’s not.”
Jeff:
That’s right. “C’mon. Bet me. Bet me. Bet me.” Yeah. That’s totally it. So, yeah. I don’t know. It’s insane. It’s insane. So we had the poor girl, Charity, we’re calling her.
Casey:
Oh, her name’s gonna be Charity now.
Jeff:
We’re calling her Charity.
Casey:
So he spent 4 hours with his prostitute whose name was Susan G. Coma and Breast Cancer Alliance?
Jeff:
Right. He was with the Breast Cancer Alliance.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And doing some mammograms.
Casey:
Right. Yes, just trying to do his part to… He was working the breast massage robot via remote control…
Jeff:
Totally. So yeah, like we said last week, we had Larry Flynt offer the million.
Casey:
Right, Larry Flynt offered his million Dollars for the uncompromising “readers” of Hustler magazine. There is text in the magazine, I assume?
Jeff:
I assume, yeah.
Casey:
At some point. Or they just got rid of that now? The pretense is gone…
Jeff:
I think there’s page numbers at least.
Casey:
Okay, there’s at least numbers.
Jeff:
Okay. Yeah.
Casey:
Maybe not letters… Well, you now, you put in letters and you lose all of the non-English speaking population right there but numbers are pretty much universal so it stays on printing.
Jeff:
Right. It also forces a certain aesthetic of, like, the situations we put our actresses in have to be universal, right? Like…
Casey:
Oh, it can’t be an American only fetish or something…
Jeff:
Yeah, no, of course not. Well, and they can’t be American institutions. You really want to go global.
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Well, you can have McDonalds in your porn…
Casey:
Oh, I see.
Jeff:
Situation…
Casey:
She could be eating a hamburger…
Jeff:
Right. Because they’re global. Everybody knows about it. Everyone drinks a Coca Cola…
Casey:
Sure. Right.
Jeff:
So when the Coca Cola delivery man comes and…
Casey:
Oh, I see…
Jeff:
Things go awry, you know there’s context.
Casey:
Right. Exactly.
Jeff:
Everyone understands.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You can’t do a completely American company and have any clue, reading this in Bogot_.
Casey:
Such as?
Jeff:
I don’t know. Like if you say… A completely American situation like, I don’t know, blowing a baseball team. And people are like, “What are all those sticks in the background.”
Casey:
I see. The Japanese are like, “This is fabulous.” But everyone else is like, “I don’t understand.”
Jeff:
“I don’t understand. Why is that man wearing… It looks like a beehive.”
Casey:
Our sales are great in the Dominican Republic, Cuba, Japan. But somehow…
Jeff:
It’s not translated.
Casey:
Yeah. The Spanish are like, “I don’t understand.”
Jeff:
Totally. So yeah, so what’s sad about her was… So it wasn’t Larry Flynt, the uncompromising editor of that.
Casey:
It was not.
Jeff:
It was Joe Francis.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
The “Girls Gone Wild” guy…
Casey:
I know what you’re talking about.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yes. Okay, the “Girls Gone Wild”… Yeah…
Jeff:
Biggest scumbag of all time…
Casey:
Oh, is he the biggest scumbag?
Jeff:
Oh, he’s the worst.
Casey:
I don’t know…
Jeff:
He’s the worst.
Casey:
So “Girls Gone Wild”, what happened was they offered her a million Dollars for something. I don’t know what it was.
Jeff:
Right. They said, “I’ll match that million Dollars.”
Casey:
“You go wild for us and we’ll go wild for you.”
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
“You scratch our back…” But they then retracted the offer…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
When they found out that they already had footage of her when she was 18, going wild in a “Girls Gone Wild” video, one of their old… Now, the thing that struck me about this, the part that I want to know more about, what I want to drill down, if you will, is what is this procedure for checking the archives? How do we check the archives?
Jeff:
The “Girls Gone Wild” archives…
Casey:
Right. It’s like we’re sitting around and we’re going like, “Hmmm… So I was checking the archives last night, if you know what I mean…”
Jeff:
This is a euphemism.
Casey:
Yeah. It’s like, “I was checking the archives pretty hard. Like, I checked the archives from about 7 PM to 3 in the morning, I was checking the archives. And you’ll never…”
Jeff:
“For about 4 hours…”
Casey:
Yeah, “For about 4 hours. And you’ll never believe what I found.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
“I’m not sure… Her head’s not in the shot but I’m pretty sure it was her.”
Jeff:
I don’t think it’s a manual process. I think they have…
Casey:
Checking the archives is a very manual process. Let me tell you that right now.
Jeff:
Well, I’m suggesting that the worldwide headquarters of “Girls Gone Wild” has sophisticated like…
Casey:
It’s much like NORAD is located in a bunker 50 miles underground in a mountain so that, in a nuclear disaster, we will not lose episodes 1 through 347 of “Girls Gone Wild”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Regretfully, episode 12 was improperly stored and has been lost potentially for all time which is very sad but the other 349 or…
Jeff:
And it’s a huge mountain that looks like a breast…
Casey:
A dome…
Jeff:
A dome, yeah. So they’re in their bunker…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And they have…
Casey:
It’s a dome with a little transmitter on top, like a little piece on top for radio communications.
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s a round little transmitter.
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
So I assume that they have sophisticated computer technology with, like…
Casey:
Ah, yes.
Jeff:
Face recog… Breast recognition software where they just punch it up, it’s like all the movies you see where it’s like…
Casey:
Yes, OVR, if you will. Yeah.
Jeff:
And it’s flipping through 8 million breasts a second…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like the…
Casey:
So much like the FBI has in their database right now, if you will.
Jeff:
Right. Yeah. Except…
Casey:
That kind of breast recognition technology..
Jeff:
It’s like one of those animated gifs you get sometimes where they’re, like, flashing by random porn really fast. It’s like… Breasts flying by and all of a sudden… And the window, it finds a match and it pulsates and then it enlarges and then somehow, the picture rotates…
Casey:
Yeah, something enlarges.
Jeff:
That’s right.
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
And then…
Casey:
Something pulsates and enlarges, that’s for fucking sure.
Jeff:
Positive match… And that’s when she lost the million Dollars.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And they’re like, “We’ve got her. It turns out we’ve got her.”
Jeff:
You know, the funny thing about that…
Casey:
So this is… Wait. Okay. But they still offered the million… If they have the automated system, maybe I’ll give you that, right? It still took them a week to figure out they have… Which suggests to me that this is a computationally expensive process which means that they are probably… Like the NSA, they have supercomputer designers working for them that are like, “We need more BRPS”…
Jeff:
Per second…
Casey:
Yeah, breast recognitions per second…
Jeff:
Alright, BRPS…
Casey:
“… BRPS and you’ve got to get that up. You’ve got to get it up. You’ve got to get our BRPS up or we’re not gonna be able to, before the million Dollars goes out the door, we’re not gonna know if we’ve already got this girl.”
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
When she was 18 which was way fucking better than now, right? So it’s like… Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, I think… Yeah, breast recognition is gonna be hard. So they have…
Casey:
It’s hard, yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, yeah, she lost her cash. She had the cash within her grasp…
Casey:
That was terrible. Yeah.
Jeff:
You feel bad for her but, I mean, what are the chances, like… You know… That that and I was like, “Well, 1 to 1.”
Casey:
Yeah, 1 in 1…
Jeff:
Yeah, 1 in 1 that that would happen. Yeah.
Casey:
Well, it’s just… You’re pretty much counting on the fact that they don’t have that good of an archive. I mean, that’s what they’re counting on in this situation. You’re like, “Wow, I hope they never find me in there, you know?”
Jeff:
That’s totally true.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So that was a sad day for her.
Casey:
So here’s another question.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Just, you know, America, a very sexist country in general…
Jeff:
You mean sexist or sexy?
Casey:
Sexy… Sexist.
Jeff:
Sexist. Alright. Sorry.
Casey:
Nobody offered Eliot Spitzer anything.
Jeff:
No, that’s true.
Casey:
He got fired, pretty much. I mean, he didn’t get fired, literally. But pretty much, he got fired. So it’s like, she gets a million Dollars. He gets fired. Why didn’t he get a million Dollar offer from Larry Flynt to do something, right?
Jeff:
I’m just saying we plug his breasts into the recognizer and the machine melts it down. That’s all I’m saying.
Casey:
The breast massage robot sizzled up and died like it just fried itself.
Jeff:
Yeah, it went completely flaccid.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No. I mean, he wasn’t the catch. There’s a reason why he was using the credit car, let’s just say.
Casey:
Yeah, that’s probably true.
Jeff:
So no, he got nothing. He’s out of there, the poor guy.
Casey:
The readers of Hustler are not interested in that compromise at all.
Jeff:
No, that compromise is what they’re willing to make.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah. So after the week in Florida which [ the old ] Girls Gone Wild was in Florida, by the way.
Casey:
In Florida. Yeah.
Jeff:
Everything bad happens in Florida.
Casey:
You were down in Florida for the whole week.
Jeff:
I was down for the whole week.
Casey:
You were doing some Girls Gone Wild photography…
Jeff:
Right. But in Venice where everyone is 90 years old, my dad at 62 is the youngest person there…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The one person… the woman that won the recent beauty contest is 57.
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
So this is…
Casey:
Well, that was the youth beauty pageant.
Jeff:
Yeah. Yeah.
Casey:
That’s not the main one.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
That’s like the kids… The training one.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s so they get better.
Casey:
Like Little Miss Sunshine, basically. 57?
Jeff:
57.
Casey:
Pines. Great flavor.
Jeff:
It is a great flavor.
Casey:
Classic.
Jeff:
So we have everyone that’s just ancient there. They ain’t Girls Gone Wild down there.
Casey:
No, they’re not.
Jeff:
And if they were, you’d be turning those cameras off. Mostly, they’re just girls…
Casey:
It’s not “wild” in the “wild turkey” sense of the word…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
In like… This is dangerous… It’s legitimately dangerous to the people who may be nearby like, “Please do not come out of your homes. You may see a 57-year old best, at best.”
Jeff:
At best. That’s what you’re hoping to see…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
What you see, not the way it should go.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, it was not good.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But yeah, we had the Girls Gone Completely Non-Wild.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But I did see something that was kinda interesting on the way out of town which was a good direction to go. But on the way out of town, there’s like… I made it, you know.
Casey:
You think you’ve made it.
Jeff:
Yeah, I think I made it.
Casey:
You don’t know yet.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s not over ‘til the fat lady sings.
Jeff:
Yep, ‘til the old fat lady sings. But the…
Casey:
It’s not over ‘til you buckle and until the stewardess gives the little presentation.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Then you know you’re safe.
Jeff:
Right. Until then, you’re still touch and go.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the thing that I… We noticed on the way out of town, my brother noticed, that they have a big ass billboard on the side of the road. And you know, everything there is geared towards the elderly. You’ve got pharmacies everywhere, golf, the eyeglass place, liquor… Whatever the old people need, they got it.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And it’s easy to get to because you’re not driving far.
Casey:
They have, like, Depends dispensers in bathroom or something like this, you know. It’s just like, “Oh, I gotta go change my pad.” “Yeah, I’ll come with you. I gotta change mine, too.”
Jeff:
We all go together.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So no, they had a big billboard that said, “Come to Dr. Assi’s and get a colonoscopy.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You should get it checked out. You’ve got to check it out.
Casey:
Well, you’re old… In fact, they say they’re starting at 30 or something or 40, right? 40?
Jeff:
Yeah. Oh, okay, then…
Casey:
So these people should’ve been having… Yeah, this should be their 30th colonoscopy.
Jeff:
Yeah, this is old hat. I mean, they do this for Sunday tea.
Casey:
Old ass hat.
Jeff:
Right. So yeah… But the thing that made this unusual, aside from the fact that there’s a great big billboard…
Casey:
About your ass…
Jeff:
About your ass which you’re like, “Alright…”
Casey:
And the healthcare thereof…
Jeff:
So ignore that. But the fact that the particular service that this guy was pushing was his robotic colonoscopy.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
And he shows… There’s a big picture of the robot. Now, he’s in the corner.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But the main thing in the ad is his robot.
Casey:
Oh, but he’s in the ad?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like, “Hi, there. Check out my ass spelunking robot.”
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, dude, this robot looked like the tentacles from Dr. Octopus is Spiderman 2. They were long and they could bend every which way. They had little hinges and…
Casey:
So this was like… Well, Dr. Octopus, they never addressed what kind of doctor he was.
Jeff:
That’s true.
Casey:
He may well have had roots in proctology.
Jeff:
Right, maybe those… He bought 8 of those devices.
Casey:
Exactly. He’s gonna do 8 at a time.
Jeff:
And then, what happens? Something goes wrong.
Casey:
Something goes horribly wrong…
Jeff:
Horribly wrong, they’re attached to his back…
Casey:
“I can’t get it out of the ass. They’re all lodged in the asses.” Well, the thing is, remember when they did radio keratotomy?
Jeff:
Uh-huh. I’ve had RK.
Casey:
And you’ve had RK. There was a dude who would just do a series of them and all the people would be… Like, they just do them in a row. That’s what it would be. You get a big ring. He’s got like… Each of the little tentacles is up someone’s ass in, like, a circle…
Jeff:
He’s running around…
Casey:
Yeah, like…
Jeff:
This guy’s very…
Casey:
“Oh, wow. There’s something nasty in there.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Well, the 2 things about this… 1, there’s no way any human being looks at this robot… I mean, it has little clampers at the end. You’re just like, “There’s no way that’s going up my ass.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You know what, there’s no way that’s going anywhere near my ass. I mean, I will use a tazer on that as soon as it makes a move for me. The second thing is, like, aren’t old people…
Casey:
Back off, Doc Oc! Back off!
Jeff:
Yeah, step back.
Casey:
Yeah. My spider ass doesn’t want a thing to do with you.
Jeff:
My spider sense is fucking tingling.
Casey:
My spider sense is tingling
Jeff:
Seriously.
Casey:
Yeah. Actually, you know what, you’re a comic book guy.
Jeff:
I am.
Casey:
I only really know comic books that you give me.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So I haven’t… So I’ve never read any Spiderman. Probably not a comic that I would be super into, I’m guessing. But I’m assuming that you’ve read them.
Jeff:
Yep, sure.
Casey:
Or something like that… So in the movie with the Dr. Octopus thing…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
It’s like, what the fuck was that whole thing? Like, he has to have 8 biomechanical arms to perform some kind of an energy? Like, how did they come up with this? What was he smoking when he thought that this was going to be an acceptable back story? I mean, usually it’s something simple like you fall into a vat of acid, you get bitten by something that fell into the acid…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Something falls into a vat of acid, it’s either you or the thing that bit you. That’s where superheroes come from or they’re aliens or gods or something, right? How did he get… What did he put together that’s just like, “Oh, yeah…
Jeff:
All of that’s modern. Because all of that magnetic stuff where he’s trying to control magnetic…
Casey:
Yeah, what is that?
Jeff:
That’s all just like, “Ah, whatever.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
In the thing, he’s just a scientist who needs arms to help him perform his things.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And he goes mental. And then, the arms help him do whatever. So…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So there’s no…
Casey:
Okay, I’m still not sure I buy that you need this eight mechanical arms, but okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. I mean, it was nothing… I mean, in the comic, he wore green and his little arms were purple…
Casey:
Oh, like kinda funny…
Jeff:
Yeah. So I mean, they…
Casey:
They just racked it up. They X-Men’d it.
Jeff:
Yeah. They made it more powerful.
Casey:
Well, I think that… I mean, it seems to me like you could’ve just been like, “Okay, he was working on the breast massage robot Mark II which can massage multiple breasts at a time…”
Jeff:
Or 4 women’s beasts at a time…
Casey:
Then something went horribly wrong.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
That makes more sense to me.
Jeff:
I just think “something goes horribly wrong” is enough.
Casey:
Is enough, okay… X happens and that’s whatever the fuck it needs to be…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Something goes horribly wrong, and then on the other side, we have the villain that we wanted which was Clive Barker sits there and draws some weird ass shit with 8 arms coming out of it and you’re like, “Something goes horribly wrong and we get this. You guys figure out what happened back here before the something went wrong.”
Jeff:
And that’s all we need.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay, sorry. I’m sorry to interrupt with that. I always wanted to clear that up. So now I know…
Jeff:
No, you’re right. That’s all, like… Try to make it modern-ish so…
Casey:
I mean, this movies was directed by someone who wanted to have a guy with a chainsaw arm. So meaning, it wasn’t of super concern to him why… The guy’s like, “He’s got 8 robotic arms, that’s mild, alright. They just fucking… He woke up one morning and he had them, okay, let’s just get it over with. I don’t care.”
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. The story is all kinda semi-relevant anyway. It’s like, why [ is that ] in the movie anyway? It just slows things down.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Nobody cares. It’s like… So whatever…
Casey:
But the origins story is like, that’s… When they make the movies, that’s all they care about, right? X-Men was 45 minutes of origins stories, 30 minutes of talking, and 15 minutes of fighting. That’s the story.
Jeff:
But the interesting thing is, in a comic, the Origins story is the first book. And then it’s…
Casey:
That’s it. You never talk about it again.
Jeff:
It’s like it’s not fucking important.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And yes, that’s why everything… Well, they have to believe it. It’s like nobody cares.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, so anyway… So the last thing about the robot in… Let’s call it Ray.
Casey:
Which robot?
Jeff:
Ray, the ass robot…
Casey:
Okay, the ass spelunker robot that goes and checks your colon out.
Jeff:
Yeah. What old person…
Casey:
Did Ray Kurzweil call it… Is that why we’re calling it Ray? Was he, like, “By the year 2008, a robot will be [ in my midst ].”
Jeff:
I think… He may have. Probably the ass robot is as full of shit as Ray.
Casey:
Ray’s like, “I’ve been trying to get a robot in my ass for, like, 30 years.”
Jeff:
“This is a bright day.”
Casey:
“This is a great day for computing. Yeah.”
Jeff:
“Let’s go… [ Spirit of singularity. ]”
Casey:
I cannot wait for the [ X-Men Extra Growth ].
Jeff:
This seems awesome. So yeah, my thing was like, “What old person is gonna go, ‘I wasn’t gonna go get this. But now, with the robot, I will.’” It’s like, old people are afraid of robots.
Casey:
When a human was sticking a normal camera up my ass, that was terrifying to me. But now that I know there’s a servo-mechanical arm with graspers on the end hooked up to what probably looks like an Apple 2 with software that prints out monochrome like… When you enter ASS Y/N and you hit Y and Return, and you hope that it works… Yeah, that’s like, A-okay by them. Like, yep…
Jeff:
It runs on DOS.
Casey:
Stick your mechanical fingers up me…
Jeff:
Because they never updated the software.
Casey:
Exactly. Yeah.
Jeff:
No, it’s good. Yeah, I just like… This guy is gonna be bankrupt. He’s gonna be sitting there. He’s gonna be homeless, just him and his ass robot on the street. And the ass robot will be all droopy, sitting next to him. . .
Casey:
But then something goes horribly wrong…
Jeff:
Something goes horribly wrong…
Casey:
There’s a new Spiderman villain. Yes.
Jeff:
Yeah, so anyway, I was like, “Well, that’s not good for anybody. It’s not selling a single thing.”
Casey:
I could not agree more.
Jeff:
There was another good thing that I noticed that cracked me up is we went to the dog park.
Casey:
[ You don’t ] have a dog. Why were you at the dog park?
Jeff:
He has a dog.
Casey:
Oh, he has a dog?
Jeff:
He has a little golden retriever.
Casey:
Alright, good family dog.
Jeff:
Uh-huh, good family dog, yep.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
You go to the dog park and the entrance kind of goes by these bushes. I mean, Florida’s under water.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
The whole thing’s water bogged.
Casey:
Yeah. It is in the process of sinking into the Atlantic Ocean. That is what Florida is, basically.
Jeff:
Even the parts that are on land are just tentatively so. Water seeps in around. If you dig a hole that’s more than 3 or 4 deep, it fills with water. It’s just soaked.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So we’re going by this entrance to the dog park. And right at the entrance to the dog park where you have to stop and open a gate… You know, because you don’t the dogs…
Casey:
To bring the dog in…
Jeff:
Right. They’re like, “Warning: Alligators”.
Casey:
Nice.
Jeff:
So they put…
Casey:
Great place for a dog park.
Jeff:
Great place for a dog park. Better place to put the fence that you have to stop and unlock. So you’re just sitting there like gator bait while you’re trying to unlock…
Casey:
What the fuck is wrong with them?
Jeff:
I have no idea. It’s like, “Well, let’s see. We can put the dog park downtown. We can put it here. Wait a second. How about the place that has all the alligators?”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And the alligators…
Casey:
It’s like, “Oh, you know what? While you’re dropping your kids off at the day care, it’s like, ‘By the way, our Sex Offenders Correction Institute is down the block.’”
Jeff:
Right, it’s next door.
Casey:
So don’t leave them out of your sight for too long. It’s okay with me.
Jeff:
Yeah. It’s good action.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the best… I mean, all I could think of is alligators must dress up like humans and go vote on this and they’re, like, sitting there with sunglasses on.
Casey:
Yeah, they packed the meeting. They’re like…
Jeff:
“We think…”
Casey:
Yes, “All those in favor, say ‘aye’.” “Rawr.”
Jeff:
“Rawr.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah, they all roar at the same time.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Because for them, it’s just totally like a buffet of exotic food, right?
Casey:
Oh, delicious. Yeah.
Jeff:
because it’s everything from all parts of the world, all the exotic dogs… I mean, you might get a golden retriever. You might get a French poodle.
Casey:
Yeah, it might be like a conspiracy by dog breeders, too. Maybe they were the ones… They colluded with the alligators. They’re like, “Look, we both have the same interests.”
Jeff:
“Interests as mine… Pure dogs…”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
People spending more money…
Casey:
Exactly. “because we’ll keep breeding them and you keep eating them. Everyone wins. Everyone wins.”
Jeff:
Yeah, totally. I couldn’t believe it. So there’s probably some dude with a pit bull that just goes down there and goes, “Try it. Try it, mother fucker. I need another pair of shoes.”
Casey:
Yeah, you have a jaws off.
Jeff:
Yeah, so anyway, that’s how they roll in Florida.
Casey:
God.
Jeff:
Like, anywhere else where there were large reptiles up to 12 feet that can eat people, they eradicate them.
Casey:
But they wouldn’t put a dog park there, either, right? Or anything else.
Jeff:
Well, no. Forget what you put it next to. They embrace it. They’re like, “Oh, dude…”
Casey:
There’s gators…
Jeff:
Yeah. There’s gators…
Casey:
It’s like you’re in your living room and one’s eating all the popcorn and be like, “You gonna do something about that?” It’s like, “Ah, it’s just gators.”
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
“Yeah, it’s whatever.”
Jeff:
“It’s Florida, man.”
Casey:
“After the nature shows are off, they just slither away anyway, it’s fine.”
Jeff:
It’s not just the dogs that get eaten. It’s also…
Casey:
People…
Jeff:
[ They have ] golfers…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I read somewhere recently that some dude was trying to get away from a bank robbery and he ran and he ran and he was trying to run across this canal to where his car was… Eaten by a gator, right.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And the police work was easy that day.
Casey:
Justice served.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, speaking of reptiles and aquatic police work, while you were in Florida, I read about a story about Miami, Florida.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it said that a woman had been killed by a manta ray which just, out of the water…
Jeff:
Oh, right. This was on the news everywhere down here.
Casey:
Yes, and knocked her over. It was on the news. It was front page news here, like on a reputible news site. . .
Jeff:
People were losing their shit on this in Florida. This was like, wow…
Casey:
Right. And so, what I found interesting about this particular article was the quote from I guess the head of the investigation into this incident.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Which read, “A large ray jumped out of the water and collided with the victim. And somehow, the barb penetrated some part of her body…”
Jeff:
Somewhere…
Casey:
“Which caused her to fall back and hit her head on some portion of the vessel.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“They don’t know exactly which one of these things caused her death.”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
That was it.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I’m like, “What does this police scene look like, right?” You’re the more seasoned investigator, right, and you show up at the police. . .
Jeff:
“Alright, what have we got here, buddy?”
Casey:
“What have we got here, guys?” And we’re looking around and there’s a chalk outline of the manta ray, right?
Jeff:
Of course.
Casey:
There’s a chalk outline of a roughly female body, right?
Jeff:
And then some arrows toward the [ arc ]…
Casey:
With a question mark, like above the arrow…
Jeff:
Yeah, so the guy comes and goes…
Casey:
Like, maybe it was this way.
Jeff:
“Alright, guys, [ this is a good place ] for it but what’s the question mark…”
Casey:
Yeah, “What’s the question mark doing here?” There’s like blood stains on part of the thing, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Another question mark there. Like, this…
Jeff:
Something happened here…
Casey:
I don’t know, splatter or hit the head… Meanwhile, the forensics dude is all tangled up in the little strings that they use. He’s like, trying to get it… I don’t know. It seems like a complete disaster.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s like the least specific thing you could possibly do.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What happened there?
Jeff:
Well, you just gotta figure it like, this is… They don’t have a unit for this, right?
Casey:
Right. Manta ray-related…
Jeff:
The manta rays just started rebelling…
Casey:
Their attack…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They killed one of those crocodile guys…
Jeff:
Right. They got one of our crocodile hunters already…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Yeah, they’re like, “[ Due to ] manta rays, we’re threatening to be completely out of nature shows. They killed everybody. We got, like, this one dude who thinks he can talk to a wallaby…”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And another guy who rescues ants and puts them back to an ant farm…
Jeff:
Yeah, they’re gonna have to hire some C-list celebrities. It’s like, it’s Screech from Saved by the Bell. And he’s like, “What the fuck am I doing here?”
Casey:
Exactly. He’s like, “Aah, get away from me,” yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
“I don’t want to touch that fucking alligator.” “Wrestle it.” “No.”
Casey:
“Get in there. Do something. It’s shark week.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, so I don’t know. They’re probably used to… I mean, this is what they probably do, right… They probably show up on a scene and they’re trained to send the boat back to Cuba, right?
Jeff:
Right. That’s all they gotta do.
Casey:
They get to the boat and they’re like, “Send it back to Cuba. Alright?” They’re like, “Excuse me ma’am, could you please… You need to turn the boat around. You’re in American waters now.” And she’s like, “Help! I got knocked over by a manta ray and I’m bleeding.” And he’s like, “I don’t care what your story is, ma’am. We’ve heard it before. You need to turn the boat around.”
Jeff:
We’ve heard it all before…
Casey:
“I’m American.” “Yeah, whatever. And I’m Cuban. Now, get your ass back there.” It’s like, that’s what probably happened.
Jeff:
It’s either that or they’re only… Like, the To Catch a Predator Show just sets up in Florida because that’s where 90% of all the shit goes down.
Casey:
Oh, so they’ve got, like, a really, really beefy unit…
Jeff:
To handle…
Casey:
On like, sex crimes…
Jeff:
TV sex crimes…
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And…
Casey:
TV sex crimes… We have TV sex crimes…
Jeff:
Right. And then you have the group that’s in charge of [ stepping people back ].
Casey:
Right. “I’ve got to get out to the evidence locker and get some camera equipment.” That kinda shit…
Jeff:
So when they’re struck by an accident scene of this kind, they have no training. They haven’t been to the proper FBI schooling…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
If you were, on…
Casey:
They know how to frame the shot…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They know exactly how to frame the shot and where to film and how to do the cuts and make it look a little bouncy so it’s got that reality feel to it, right?
Jeff:
Yeah, totally. They’ve got all that down.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
But they don’t have any idea. And so, yeah, they’re just stymied. They’re like, “If anybody has any questions or if you recognize this manta ray,” and they hold up the carcass… “If you’ve seen this before…”
Casey:
The manta ray is, like, sitting in a chair in a room. And the dudes across are like, “Look, we saw you on the boat. We know you were on the boat.”
Jeff:
And the thing’s like…
Casey:
“Just tell me you did it and we can all go home. Okay? It’s gonna be a lot easier…”
Jeff:
“I want a lawyer.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “I’m not saying shit until my lawyer gets here.”
Jeff:
And he actually…
Casey:
This porpoise walks into the room like, “What have we got here?”
Jeff:
Oh, man. So yeah, that’s just beyond their expertise. That’s the problem.
Casey:
Totally.
Jeff:
They just don’t have any action there. So yeah, it’s good action.
Casey:
So is that all our Florida news? I don’t think we have any other… I don’t know anything else that happened in Florida recently.
Jeff:
Just if something happened, it happens in Florida.
Casey:
Probably.
Jeff:
No, definitely. Yes.
Casey:
It’s like our leading…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
They break everyone else in for the new… Pushing the boundaries of crime. . .
Jeff:
They just need to let global warming go for a couple years…
Casey:
Sink it.
Jeff:
Sink it.
Casey:
The whole fucking place.
Jeff:
Yeah. Drown all the old people. Save Social Security. And you’re back in action.
Casey:
Yep.
Jeff:
So, yeah. That’s gotta happen. It’s just gotta go.
Casey:
Bingo companies will take a massive hit.
Jeff:
Yeah, short bingo…
Casey:
Yeah, short bingo… Yep. Buy land in Georgia. There’s our 2 pieces of advice.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Keep it up. So did you want to… You played some XBLA games this week.
Casey:
I’m always playing XB… Yeah. I try to play everything.
Jeff:
You’re the master. That’s a tough job.
Casey:
I don’t buy unless it’s actually, like, non-pile of shit.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Usually, it’s obviously so bad…
Jeff:
Yeah, you just download constantly…
Casey:
Yeah, usually it’s so bad that it’s just like, “Ah… I can’t even spend $9 on this,” when you play these things.
Jeff:
So is it hard to keep up? Do you, like, some weeks skip a week and then you’re like, “Oh, shit.”
Casey:
Well, yeah… Well, no, because they only release one or two games a week at most.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
So it’s not like they release one every day, right? The quality of the games is such that you assume that they could release one a day but they don’t. They release one a week for some reason that I don’t totally understand. Right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Because they don’t want to have 50 Robotron clones on that… So they’re trying to…
Jeff:
Versus the…
Casey:
Versus the 10 that they have now…
Jeff:
The 10…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
How many games are there on XBLA?
Casey:
About a hundred.
Jeff:
So you’re talking 10%. . .
Casey:
It’s just 10%. . . It’s, like, 10% Robotron. And it shows no signs of… It wasn’t like the first 10 games it was just Robotron and everything else since then has been non-Robotron. It’s like, they consistently, every 10th game, it’s… Case in point, the game that I played last week was Rocketman: Access of Evil. Great title, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Elton John plus George Bush, can’t go wrong with that…
Jeff:
George Bush and Elton John…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like a great duet. So Rocketman: Axis of Evil which was a Robotron clone… Oddly enough…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
They were like, “Alright, we’ve got this great idea for a game. You move the left stick. You shoot with the right stick. And there’s a lot of enemies. You can’t go wrong. You cannot fail. Let’s get this on there.”
Jeff:
Okay, that’s awesome.
Casey:
Yeah. Now this game… I don’t really know who made this game. I don’t think I recognized the developers. But it’s cell-shaded, right?
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it’s…
Jeff:
That’s the thing now…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s cell-shade. Cell-shade is big. You know, we love cell-shading, right?
Jeff:
Yep.
Casey:
Can’t get enough of it.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Cell-shading, of course, for those of you not familiar…
Jeff:
And can’t get enough Robotron…
Casey:
Just in case you’re not familiar with cell-shading, let me give you a little background around cell-shading. Cell-shading is what people used to do in animation when they couldn’t shade the whole thing. It took too long so they filled it with a solid color.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They didn’t decide to cell-shade. It wasn’t like they were like… Walt Disney wasn’t like, “You know what, these completely realistic drawings and things that you were doing, that’s not good. We need to flatten that shit out.” That’s not what happened. It was prohibitively expensive. So now that we have all this hard rubber shading shit, someone every 6 months gets a brilliant idea that it’s gonna be cutting edge artsy to cell-shade the fucking thing.
Jeff:
Right, to go retro.
Casey:
Stop it. Unless you are a really good, artistically-directed game that is going to, like, really use cell-shading for some reason, stop.
Jeff:
Yeah, like you’re a manga game or something like that.
Casey:
There’s a reason why it should be fucking shaded the way it’s shaded.
Jeff:
Okay. Yeah. Alright, I’m with you.
Casey:
Like, hello… It wasn’t like… Pixar didn’t go, like, “Oh, we’re gonna have to cell-shade all this shit.” That’s not what they did. They shaded it for real, right? Because now, they could, right?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
These are professional animators, people who were drawing things by hand before, started this division. They were like, “Oh, my God. They’re cell-shaded. They’ll be artsy.”
Jeff:
That’s awesome.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
So wait, you’re saying the little [ sprites ] are cell-shaded? Or you’re talking about the…
Casey:
So the cut scene… Well, everything’s kind of… It’s kind of that look.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It’s kind of that sort of cheapo Wind Waker look.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And it’s basically… It starts off with some cut scenes. And the way the cut scenes are told are sort of comic book style, kind of in keeping with the cell-shading thing…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Although they cell-shaded it like a cartoon, not like a comic book (which is yet another interesting artistic decision).
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
But, okay, besides the point.
Jeff:
Decision.
Casey:
“Decision”.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What the programmers did that day when they showed up…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
They show these, you know… The scenes in the cut scene are like a still shot of the person with a bubble balloon above their head with a text in it.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, I’ve got to get off the ship or whatever, right?
Jeff:
So the bubble balloon is 2D?
Casey:
The bubble balloon is 2D. Everything else was 3D.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And you push the button and it changes instantaneously, sort of the pose of the guy, and puts a new bubble balloon up there like, “Oh, no.” Right? While this is happening, they’re moving the camera subtly. So they’re rotating around the guy while he is frozen in still frame…
Jeff:
Weird.
Casey:
With the bubble balloon above his head.
Jeff:
What happens to the bubble balloon? Does it rotate with the camera?
Casey:
The bubble balloon is usually, I think, 4th camera-facing.
Jeff:
Oh, awesome. So it rotates…
Casey:
Yeah. So it’s rotating in world space while you are moving around the guy.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
So it is always facing you. So someone must have been like… You know that effect in The Matrix that’s awesome where the guy goes to punch somebody and the bullet’s coming around and like… And we stop and we move the camera around, right?
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
They were like… The problem with that is they were doing something cool when we were moving around them. It would be so much better if they were just standing still…
Jeff:
To do that and make conversation…
Casey:
Doing absolutely nothing. Talking to something…
Jeff:
Well, I like that in rotating the camera and rotating the little word balloons, that means the word balloons are actually more animated than the character. They’re all standing still but the words are moving.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. The words are moving.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
They’re moving.
Jeff:
That’s pretty awesome.
Casey:
So that’s… They tell through some cut scenes to set up the Robotron action.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And what the cut scene says at the outset of the game is there is a ship that’s on a diplomatic mission.
Jeff:
Okay, sure.
Casey:
To Alderaan or somewhere else…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I don’t know where it’s going.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay. It’s on a diplomatic mission. It’s a diplomatic ship. There’s no weapons on the ship.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There’s no weapons on the ship. It is diplomatic mission.
Jeff:
Right, because they don’t need guns.
Casey:
But another guy on a different ship who’s watching closely is concerned.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He’s concerned that if a diplomacy fails, things could turn ugly.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And this diplomatic ship could be attacked.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So what he has done is he has smuggled an agent, a Rocketman…
Jeff:
A Rocketman, if you will…
Casey:
Unless you pick the female character, in which case Rocketwoman but they still say Rocketman…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Smuggle the Rocketman on there…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
With a gun.
Jeff:
Rocketwoman would be sexist.
Casey:
That would be sexist. With a gun.
Jeff:
This is a Rocket-human. I see Rocket…
Casey:
Rocket-person: Access of Evil.
Jeff:
Alright. I only see Rocket-persons.
Casey:
Yeah. Exactly. It’s gender-neutral.
Jeff:
I don’t see Rocketman…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
He’s either got one rocket or 2.
Jeff:
I don’t care how many rockets…
Casey:
So they had to smuggle this agent, the Rocketman and the gun, on to the ship.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
In case something goes wrong…
Jeff:
And you are that man?
Casey:
You are gonna be… You’re gonna play that person, man or woman.
Jeff:
Okay. So you’re luggage at this point.
Casey:
Yeah, you’re in the cargo hold with the gun that got smuggled on. You’re the only one. There’s even a robot that’s like, “Guns are not permitted,” when you try to fire the first time, right? “Guns are not permitted on this diplomatic vessel.”
Jeff:
Robots are everywhere.
Casey:
There’s no robots. You’re just in the cargo hold.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Just you with the little camera robot… I guess that… It wasn’t a robot, it was a talking camera security thing…
Jeff:
Alright, sure.
Casey:
So the very first thing you do for maybe the first… I don’t want to say… Like, 15 minutes of the game… You walk out the door of this vessel and it’s getting attacked by I don’t know what the hell they are, like grognoid, mutant, alien things… I don’t know.
Jeff:
Space…
Casey:
Aliens. Space aliens…
Jeff:
Space Nazis…
Casey:
Not from a hell gate. Just regular aliens…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah, regular aliens… And you have your pistol but maybe every 30 seconds, there’s a massive power-up gun that you pick up. There’s guns everywhere. It’s like, literally every 15 seconds you pick up a new weapon. And it’s not like, “Oh, it’s an improvised weapon,” like, “Oh, I picked up a crowbar,” or, “I picked up…”
Jeff:
This was no McGyver.
Casey:
It’s like rocket launcher…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Heat-seeking rocket launcher, laser gun, gatling gun, a thing that launches explosive discs that bounce of walls… What is the diplomatic purpose of what? Why is that on the diplomatic… You can’t have… So why did they smuggle an agent on with the pistol? What is the point of the pistol?
Jeff:
So if you actually want something like, “I need some towels. I’m almost out of towels,” you open the thing and there’s bazookas.
Casey:
No, diplomatically… If you need diplomatic things like, “Oh, does anyone have any pens to sign this accord?” And they’re like, “Fresh out pens. But you know what, I have a thermo-nuclear detonator. because we got that. And that’s here. So it’s fine, yeah, it’s totally fine.
Jeff:
That’s probably pretty frustrating to all the people that are working there. It’s like, “Oh, my God. Another cache of guns.”
Casey:
Yeah. Well, they’re like, “Oh, I can’t find anything with all these guns all over the place.” They’re moving guns aside to get to their computer system…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Some dude’s like, cramped because he’s got a giant warhead above his things…
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
The tennis rackets are underneath the land mines. Careful.
Casey:
It must be an American-made game because their opinion of diplomatic mission is our idea of diplomatic mission.
Jeff:
I see. “Do what we say or we’re gonna blow the fuck out of you.”
Casey:
Diplomatic mission which is, like, an entire cavalry regiment of tanks and a bombing campaign that starts 24 hours before. That’s our diplomatic mission.
Jeff:
Alright, that is awesome.
Casey:
So that is Rocketman: Access of Evil. Robotron the whole way. Move the left stick. Shoot with the right.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
And somehow, on a diplomatic vessel, pick up massive weapon power-ups all the time.
Jeff:
All the time…
Casey:
All the time, yeah.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is they didn’t need to smuggle you. They didn’t need to smuggle the guns. There’s plenty of things to fire.
Casey:
It’s like they wrote the script and they just, like… They were just like, “I don’t know. I have no idea. We smuggle on board and there’s power-ups. It’s great. Just write whatever you want. Just [ chip ] the game. We have no idea. We’re not even gonna try. We’re not just gonna not phone it in. We’re gonna, like, telegraph this one in.”
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Wow. So that’s good action.
Casey:
I don’t know what… This is kind of an endemic problem in the games lately, though, in general which is that no one seems to be… As the realism in games increases in certain genres and they’re going very realistic feel to the combat…
Jeff:
Totally…
Casey:
Even if it’s in an unusual setting like something like Gears of War where they’re really trying to get a feel of being in these combats. So there’s often not even a health gauge anymore.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
There’s just some kind of red effect or something that let’s you know you’re getting wounded in some way.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And the enemies don’t have little damage [ meters ]. They’re trying to get rid of all that — getting realistic, right? There’s still just, like… Your marine, your battle-hardened troop of guys who are getting sent in by the military can maybe last in a shootout for 30 seconds if there isn’t serendipitous ammo and weaponry. . .
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Like, in the scene, right? They have to constantly put ammo.
Jeff:
Maybe that’s why Iraq’s going so bad. They just don’t have enough red…
Casey:
They were not dropping ammo. They were like, “We forgot to drop the ammo.”
Jeff:
There needs to be…
Casey:
Yeah. Somewhere in Iraq, they’re trying to control the guerilla movement and there’s just 50 marines running around with no ammo, looking behind crevices…
Jeff:
No, they’re breaking crates.
Casey:
Breaking open crates…
Jeff:
And they’re like, “Hey, we opened the crates. All that’s in the crate is food.”
Casey:
They’re going, “Where’s the ammo? There’s no health packs.”
Jeff:
“What’s going on?”
Casey:
“There’s no ammo. This wasn’t in my training. I played America’s Army. I should know what I’m doing.”
Jeff:
Yeah, there was help everywhere.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I don’t get it at all.
Casey:
Yeah. The History channel in the year 2500 is gonna be a story of World War IV…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which was fought by 3 guys, right?
Jeff:
because it’s a virtual…
Casey:
No, 3 guys.
Jeff:
Oh, I see. Just 3 guys. I see. Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, it was fought by a million guys, right? 999,999 of them were fighting and losing the war, right?
Jeff:
No, they were all stuck…
Casey:
They were losing the war but one guy got into the enemy base…
Jeff:
I see.
Casey:
Killed everything, and took out the crucial piece of equipment that the enemy needed to continue, and won the war. That’s the History channel story. But that guy, it’s gonna be the story about how he was constantly looking around for shit.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Right? It’s gonna be like, “Oh, and in the epic battle of ‘bla’, one dude ran around for an hour, trying to find a cache of weapons. Finally found it, fought for 5 minutes, and then ran around again.” That’s the story, right? And it’s all shot in black & white or something.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Well, I talked about this as far as games when I play them is, like… Okay, I’m not captain coordinated when I play the games because I don’t play them all the time.
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
What I really hate when I play a new game is that… Okay, I’m gonna play The Godfather, right…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And I’m gonna be like, “Oh, I’m gonna be this good fella. Really, get in there.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And what immediately happens to me is I realize that they put me in control of the retarded gangster, right?
Casey:
Yeah. Right.
Jeff:
The special ed gangster, because apparently, I don’t know where anything’s at, right?
Casey:
You’re stuck in the middle of… “Godfather Goes On”, right, and it’s like, “Hi, Korky.”
Jeff:
I’m… Yeah, totally. Korky, the gangster…
Casey:
“Horse head in my bed.” Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. They’re just like, “Oh, you need to go down to Spinelli’s and get some weapons.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And you’re like, “I don’t know where the fuck Spinelli’s is. How the fuck should I know that?” And they’re like, “You don’t know where Spinelli’s is, do you?” And I’m like, “No, but I should because I’m a fucking gangster.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“No, you’re not. You’re retarded. So no, if you don’t know where it is, I’m not gonna tell you. You need to go over to the drug store in 85 and 5th and maybe they’ll tell you.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s like, “When did I… Why are you making me play the retarded gangster?”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
“I want to be the cool gangster. No, I’m the retarded one that doesn’t know where anything is.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
“I’m also the gangster that gets caught on every fucking doorway…”
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Like… “Oh. Damn it. Back up. I’m also…”
Casey:
“I’m gonna need a new suit.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Every 5 minutes…
Jeff:
Totally. I’m also the gangster that he walks into the room, the bad guy starts shooting. I get nervous and immediately move my mouse like, “Whoa,” which makes me look down, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
And so, here’s…
Casey:
Which is… Yeah, it’s totally rain man gopher. It’s like, “Uh… Uh… I don’t know if we should be shooting…”
Jeff:
Here’s what happens to me. I run into the room. I get startled. I look down at the floor. I go, “Oh, fuck. I’m getting shot.” I don’t see that much. I see me getting like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, I back out of the door backwards…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And I go, “Oh, fuck.” Alright, get your shit. Back it up. I move the mouse up so I’m looking for it… I’m either looking at the floor or the ceiling all the fucking time…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
I’m the worst gangster ever. And this is, like…
Casey:
But Mario Puzo, right, and Francis Ford Coppola are there. And there’s this mob battle where they go, “Cut, cut, cut, cut…” And he’s like, “Dude…”
Jeff:
“Pacino.”
Casey:
“Why are you looking at the floor?”
Jeff:
“Yeah, what’s the matter?”
Casey:
“Why are you looking at the floor, dude? What’s going on? Okay, what I need you to do… I need you to look at the floor. I need you to back out of the room. Alright? Look at the floor, back out of room. How hard is that?”
Jeff:
“Can you do that?”
Casey:
“It’s the same as every other gun fight we just shot. You look at the floor and you back out of the room. You wait for the enemies to come out one at a time and you shoot them. That’s how gangsters operate.”
Jeff:
“What’s the matter with you?”
Casey:
“Jesus, I thought you were Italian. Don’t you know anything?”
Jeff:
“It’s like… It’s the worst feeling in the world…”
Casey:
“I don’t want you to drive down the street. I want you to drive into a fire hydrant. I want you to spin into the fire hydrant for about a minute ‘til you figure out where reverse is. Once you have reverse, I want you to back…”
Jeff:
“Back over into some pedestrians…”
Casey:
“Yeah, that storefront… I want you to go forward again and I want you to run back into the fire hydrant. How hard is this?”
Jeff:
“C’mon, you do that a couple times…”
Casey:
“It’s not that hard.”
Jeff:
“Jesus, get your shit together, man.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So, yeah, that’s me playing… But it doesn’t matter what game it is. I play Gears of War for 30 seconds…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
I couldn’t find the way to get out.
Casey:
Oh, yeah, totally.
Jeff:
I walked and, like, my dudes are like, “Follow us.” And I came around the corner. My mouse looked down. The dudes were gone. I got the mouse up and it’s like, “Where the fuck did they go?” I don’t know. It’s dark and broody. I can hear them somewhere. It sounds like they’re having fun. I’m not having fun.
Casey:
I’ve lost the guy. I’ve lost my team.
Jeff:
But they’re having fun.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s like… Oh… So what gets me is, like… Okay, so you’ve got to have some difficulty in the game. It’s like, “What gangster… Why don’t you, when I’m in the fight, lock my mouse look down because I’m never gonna look at the ceiling. Ever. No gangster goes in and says, “The first thing I should do is check out the ceiling for guys that are Jackie Chan-ing up there and ready to spring on me.” Oh, fuck. So yeah, for me, that’s the nature of me playing modern games is fighting the control scheme. And if you take out the fact that I am fighting it and you just film me playing it, you go, “Wow, this is the worst gangster… The worst space marine. . .“
Casey:
That’s ever… Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. And it’s like, that’s not why I bought your game. I didn’t buy the game…
Casey:
You bought the game because you wanted to have a gangster experience.
Jeff:
Be a gangster. Right.
Casey:
You want to experience being a gangster…
Jeff:
And I’m not.
Casey:
Yeah. And you experienced being the world’s dumbest, least coordinated gangster…
Jeff:
Right. Who’s always admiring the architecture…
Casey:
Right. Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
“Wow, this room is awesome.”
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“I mean, the ceiling looks the same as all the other rooms, for some reason. However, it’s very beautiful.” And like, “Oh, oh, oh. They’re shooting me God damn it.” And then you back out. Yeah. Pick ‘em off of it…
Casey:
Pick ‘em off one time.
Jeff:
So, yeah. I’m the retarded gangster. And they do it to me over and over again. So I don’t know what’s going on. I do not like it. I do not like the action. Alright, well, I think that’s… We will catch everyone next week. Thanks, everybody.
Casey:
Take it easy.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 4
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