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The Technician
No Imperfections Noted
The Jeff and Casey Show
Jeff and Casey Time
Casey Muratori
Seattle, WA
Stretched to the Limits and Back
"This company has to massage something in the next four weeks or we are going to go bankrupt."
Original air date: March 16th, 2008
Topics. Inappropriate humping. $4500/hour. Massage robots. Porn acting. Going indie with Metacritic 100% games.
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Transcript
Jeff:
[Laughing] Sorry. It’s hard.
Casey:
Couldn’t even do the 10 seconds of silence that we need. I lost it. Okay.
Jeff:
Just look down.
Casey:
It’s only 10 seconds.
Jeff:
Stop it.
Casey:
[Laughing] Somewhere around 5, I lose it.
Jeff:
Alright. Hello, everybody. this is the Casey & Jeff Show. It's Saturday, March…
Casey:
the Jeff & Casey Show, thank you.
Jeff:
One of these two. And it’s Saturday, March 15th in the afternoon because we’re on completely different schedules.
Casey:
Yes, this is the only overlapping time…
Jeff:
You are just about to go to sleep…
Casey:
And you’re just waking up.
Jeff:
And I’d just gotten up. So this is the only time we can do it. So we’re totally out of sync, like…
Casey:
No one knows. Anything can happen on this podcast.
Jeff:
Our cycles are not synchronized whatsoever.
Casey:
Jeff may yawn. I may fall asleep.
Jeff:
Yep. It’s all gonna be good, though.
Casey:
Yeah. I’m drinking a thai iced tea right now. It’s my second thai iced tea.
Jeff:
We’re firing Casey up. It’s gonna be good. It’s gonna be good. Trust me. this is all for the best and we do it all for you.
Casey:
I think of nothing else.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
So what are we talking about on this podcast?
Jeff:
Well, this is gonna be the sexy episode.
Casey:
Are we only doing sex topics? Is that the plan?
Jeff:
I think once we start on that topic…
Casey:
You can’t get off it.
Jeff:
You can’t get off.
Casey:
Or you can get off if…
Jeff:
Or you can…
Casey:
Yeah. Alright, start us off.
Jeff:
Well, I was just gonna point out… You know, I always send you the silly animal videos.
Casey:
Yes. Almost every day, there is an email in my inbox.
Jeff:
I send you [ and Alicia ] always these silly animal… Like the dog that thinks the door’s still there…
Casey:
Or some stupid bird that someone has overdubbed with sound…
Jeff:
the bird can do crazy sounds… No, he can do them.
Casey:
that bird does not do the sounds.
Jeff:
David Attenborough totally worked it.
Casey:
I don’t know who that is. And just because he said it makes the sounds does not mean someone didn’t overdub the sounds on to that video.
Jeff:
Oh, he so did. You know, he’s in Jurassic Park.
Casey:
Are you serious?
Jeff:
the wrong Attenborough.
Casey:
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jeff:
that would be funnier somehow.
Casey:
that would be funnier.
Jeff:
If, like, in the middle of the action, he stopped and says, “the mighty raptor…”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. “As you can see from its 3-feathered dorsal appendage which it uses to grasp fruits…”
Jeff:
Well, I was gonna point out that there’s now a new… YouTube has these tags where they tag all the videos. You can subscribe to a particular tag so you can be like, “Oh, hey, I want to see funny animal videos or whatever…”
Casey:
How does this work? Does someone just type in random texts and that’s the tag? And if 2 people happen to be typing the same random tags then…
Jeff:
Yeah, they kinda build up organically like that.
Casey:
Okay. So we can go in there and put “Jeff & Casey” as a tag and then other people could just start…
Jeff:
Other people have already.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because that’s… We’re huge, as you know.
Casey:
I’m sure.
Jeff:
Because we’ve had…
Casey:
Escalating listener counts every week.
Jeff:
Dude, we’re big. So anyway, what I was gonna point out is there’s now a new channel on YouTube that is solely for animals, various animals…
Casey:
Which it sounds like you love it already.
Jeff:
Yeah, yeah, it’s good. But animals humping inappropriate things.
Casey:
Humping only inappropriate things?
Jeff:
Inappropriate things. Now, they might be other animals. they’re never, like, dog humping a dog.
Casey:
Humping the same kind of species of a dog?
Jeff:
No, no, no…
Casey:
Because that would be way too in line.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
that’s totally disinteresting.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
that’s not cutting edge.
Casey:
No, it’s not cutting edge.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
So what is an example of an inappropriate object that it might be humping?
Jeff:
Well, okay, the one I was gonna send you was…
Casey:
So you restrained yourself from forwarding an animal video to me? this has to be the first time that has ever happened in the history of mankind. If an animal does anything… An animal turns and looks at a camera is a video that you would be like, “Casey’s gotta see this.”
Jeff:
“that is awesome.” I know.
Casey:
“Did you see it look at the camera? It looked right at the camera.”
Jeff:
“that is awesome.”
Casey:
“Oh, my God.”
Jeff:
He’s breaking the 4th wall.
Casey:
Okay. Yeah, totally, animal breaks 4th wall. It’s Jim from the Office. So what is an example of an inappropriate object?
Jeff:
the one that I saw that I noticed that there was a tag on was… So they have this little patio on the backyard and their little family cat’s on the back. And they also have a family rabbit, apparently, because it’s this big bunny rabbit.
Casey:
In a cage or just sitting around?
Jeff:
No, it’s just hopping around and the cat’s just sitting there. And the cat’s standing by the backdoor like cats do, waiting to be let in, right? they want to get in.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And the cat’s standing there, ass towards the bunny. And you can almost see the gears turning in the bunny because the bunny’s like, “Oh, yeah.” And he starts following the cat. And the cat kinda turns his head going, “this is no good.” And the cat kinda starts walking away and then the rabbit springs into action.
Casey:
Literally?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because they have a lot of spring.
Jeff:
Yeah. And the cat didn’t know what hit it and then the cameraman starts laughing and that’s the end of the video. And that was like… Okay, that was funny but that’s when I noticed the tag…
Casey:
the tag… Which is what? What’s the tag?
Jeff:
I don’t remember now. I think it’s, like… I don’t know. Let’s just say animal humping. Let’s just say.
Casey:
Well, okay, but the tag “animal humping” does not adequately describe what you said which is inappropriate objects. So is that like a categorization failure? Or is there a separate tag “inappropriate” where it’s like… so you can search for an and like if it’s “animal humping” plus “inappropriate”, then it’s the video I’m looking for.
Jeff:
I think all of the words are separate tags. So I think you’d have to do “animal” space “humping” space…
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
And it’s just the Animal Humping Channel, first of… 24 hours a day.
Casey:
Right. Yeah, as much humping as…
Jeff:
But then, most of the things on this channel, they have all those videos of the funny little English bulldog that always… I can’t remember what…
Casey:
Oh, the one that used to hump the Pikachu?
Jeff:
Yes, right.
Casey:
I remember that from years ago. that made the… that was the first…
Jeff:
the first viral…
Casey:
that was like a seminal internet animal humping video.
Jeff:
All those are still on there.
Casey:
Okay, so they’ve got the classic animal humping, vintage animal humping…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Is on there…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
And there’s old-timers on that group that are like, you know, “You kids and your modern animal humping…”
Casey:
Oh, yeah, exactly. “It’s just not the same.”
Jeff:
“It’s just not the same, man. You gotta keep it real. You gotta only do stuffed animals.” Anyway, that’s the channel…
Casey:
“We’re looking for that bulldog-next-door kind of appeal, you know, like something that really feels earthy. None of this, you know…”
Jeff:
Yeah. Anyway, I’m just saying… You want these videos forwarded, too?
Casey:
No. But what I do want to know… So I have 2 questions about this now that you bring it up. One is like… this sort of suggests to me… I had not considered this before but given the sheer amount of videos that now, thanks to the internet, there are so many videos being categorized on the internet sites like YouTube that we’re starting to get into the N2 space where it is conceivable that you could search for the thing that you want humped and the thing that you want humping and get that video. Like, it’s conceivable that we’re somewhere around there.
Jeff:
Maybe all it is is part of the search grammar. Instead of saying “and/or”, there’s “and, or, and hump”.
Casey:
Right. Yes. Or just a directional “and”, right? So it’s like, “No, no, no. I don’t want the Pikachu humping the bulldog. I want the bulldog humping the Pikachu. And it’s like, it understands the directionality of that tag…
Jeff:
Well, it’s just what noun comes first, right?
Casey:
Yeah. But what I was gonna say is maybe they need a new…
Jeff:
Non-communitive and.
Casey:
Yeah. Maybe they need a new view like a matrix view of the videos so you can just get, like, “Okay, down the side, I want bulldog, rabbit, bird, whatever. And then across the top, I want Pikachu, cat…”
Jeff:
Robots…
Casey:
Yeah, robots, whatever…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
iPhones?
Casey:
Yeah, iPhones. You and your iPhones… So the other question I have is how much did YouTube sell for? I mean, it was like a billion and some odd Dollars, right?
Jeff:
A billion Dollars.
Casey:
I mean a billion and a half, let’s say, something like this maybe?
Jeff:
Uh-huh.
Casey:
A billion and seven?
Jeff:
Yeah. At least a hundred million of that is animal humping.
Casey:
At least. Sure.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Here’s what I want to know.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Given that there’s an Animal Humping Channel… Is Bob Saget sitting at home every night, crying, going like, “I fucking invented this shit and I probably got paid 3 or 4 million Dollars of…”
Jeff:
YouTube…
Casey:
If that…
Jeff:
YouTube was totally cock-blocking Bob Saget.
Casey:
they basically took his whole thing and just made ass-loads of money off of it, so much more than he ever did, right?
Jeff:
No, it’s totally true.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah. But, you know, they didn’t have his witticisms…
Casey:
His charm and delivery…
Jeff:
His charm, right, that’s right.
Casey:
that’s true.
Jeff:
Well, I’ve told you before that I came to terms long ago with the fact that when that show is on, I watch ‘til the end and I’ve stopped being embarrassed about it because I have decided that I like people getting hit in the crotch.
Casey:
In the crotch, yes.
Jeff:
I love it.
Casey:
Yes, we have talked about this. You love it.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
You are all about that.
Jeff:
the only problem is people don’t have enough HD cameras because I really want to see them fall to the ground…
Casey:
In excruciating detail…
Jeff:
Yes. And slow-mo and standard definition is not acceptable for that.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And so… And that’s actually what they could up-sell over YouTube, I mean, YouTube… We can’t compete with quantity on YouTube.
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
But we can compete with quality. So it’s, like, HD Crotch Bashers 5000.
Casey:
So basically, your ad would go something like, “Bob Saget says that the guy got hit in the crotch with the golf ball after he swung and it bounced off the fence and then the tree and then the porch and, oh, it hurt…”
Jeff:
And back into the crotch.
Casey:
“But you didn’t actually see it. Well, now you can.” And it shows this slow-motion like…
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
the crotch ball…
Jeff:
I’m telling you, it’s gonna be huge. that’s how you gotta compete.
Casey:
they need to make a golf ball that has a panoramic camera in it so, like, they can hit themselves in the balls with the ball and it will show, like, “Crotch Cam” where it’s like… Right in there.
Jeff:
I’m just saying you can’t compete with quantity. You gotta go with quality and that’s how you do it.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Because that would be like the Apple of crotch videos.
Casey:
Oh, yeah.
Jeff:
the high boutique…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
But everyone would be, like, naked except for Calvin Klein, you know, briefs kinda standing there when they got hit in the crotch. And they wouldn’t scream and fall over. they’d be like, “Oh, that was painful.” And they’d grit and turn to the side or something. that would be the Apple way. It would have to have style.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
So actually, I’m glad that you brought up animals humping things because there’s another news item I wanted to discuss this week that I wrote down.
Jeff:
More animal humping?
Casey:
Yes. On the humping front, Eliot Spitzer.
Jeff:
Oh, yes. Okay.
Casey:
Which you’ve… I mean, everyone’s heard about it.
Jeff:
Oh, no.
Casey:
It’s all over the…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. It’s all over the news. I mean, I guess… I don’t know too much about this. It sounds like you read a little bit more about it than me. I mean, I only kinda got the rough details.
Jeff:
Yeah. Well, I think the things… I mean, it’s so crazy but I think the thing that cracked me up was the woman’s lawyer right now is very upset with the media.
Casey:
the lawyer is upset?
Jeff:
Yeah, her lawyer.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I can’t remember her name. But…
Casey:
Why is the lawyer…
Jeff:
Well, he’s saying that the media…
Casey:
the media?
Jeff:
Yeah, the media, big media, is sensationalizing the situation…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And is in appropriately using his client’s image. And he says these pictures were meant to be private.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
these are private pictures.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
they were posted on MySpace.
Casey:
On MySpace.
Jeff:
Right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
How can you have any hope of privacy when they’re on MySpace? So it cracked me up, first of, that there was this imaginary outrage at the big media for the poor girl. And the second thing that was funny about that was all of the pseudo-porn people…
Casey:
Pseudo-porn?
Jeff:
Well, like Hustler and… When it’s full porn, it’s naked people, right? Like Hustler, Playboy magazine, Penthouse, all these guys…
Casey:
See, I didn’t know… Let’s take a moment there because I want to understand this classification. So pseudo-porn means what? that there’s no actual graphic depiction of sex in the magazine?
Jeff:
Well, that’s just, like, pictures, right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
they don’t get busy.
Casey:
Okay. that’s pseudo-porn?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Porn-porn is what?
Jeff:
Wait. Semi-porn…
Casey:
Semi-porn?
Jeff:
Right. Semi-porn is they’re not even really naked. that’s like USA Network on Friday’s 11PM.
Casey:
Okay. Alright. So like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue…
Jeff:
Yeah. You’re just like, hoping some…
Casey:
It’s obviously there for sexual purposes…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But unclear what kind because no one’s taken their clothes off.
Jeff:
Right. And you tolerate it, hoping something’s gonna happen. Nothing ever does.
Casey:
And it doesn’t? Okay. Right. Sounds like my Friday nights, ironically, now that you mentioned it.
Jeff:
that’s semi-porn. that’s semi-porn. Pseudo-porn is like Playboy… Well, probably Playboy fits on the top of that scale.
Casey:
Okay. So Playboy is the closest to semi-porn…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
that you can be in pseudo-porn without actually being semi-porn.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I heard 2 girls once describe… 2 girls, mind you… these aren’t 2 complete animal pigs…
Casey:
Was this you and Eliot Spitzer on a double date?
Jeff:
No. I heard them discuss and one of them said… I won’t say who they are because they’ll be mad at me for saying this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But what I did say is, “Well, Playboy is more classy than the other…”
Casey:
Classy? Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah. And I was like, “I don’t know how Hugh Heffner managed to pull that off…”
Casey:
To pull that shit off, yeah…
Jeff:
“But, well done,” because if I’m filming a magazine full of naked women and I’m able to get…
Casey:
Other women…
Jeff:
And these are, like, feminists… I mean, these are strong, proud women… Say that, “Well Playboy’s classy.” I’m like, “I won.”
Casey:
Yes, you’re like, “I am so fucking done.”
Jeff:
I am the fucking man at this point.
Casey:
It’s like, you know, perpetual motion machine, still working on it. Having porn mag declared classy by women, check.
Jeff:
And the last one is, like, flying cars.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly, flying cars.
Jeff:
I haven’t gotten to that. Damn it.
Casey:
Yeah. Okay.
Jeff:
But anyway, so you have those… then you have…
Casey:
Okay. I understand the classification now. So you can… Okay.
Jeff:
Anyway, the magazine in the pseudo-porn magazines are all beating down… Her door…
Casey:
Pregnant pause.
Jeff:
Yeah, that was. Okay, anyway, so they’re all trying to sign her up while she’s…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Notorious.
Casey:
Yeah, because…
Jeff:
You know…
Casey:
Pretty soon, someone else is gonna fuck a politician and then, no one wants to see this anymore.
Jeff:
Right. Exactly. You’re yesterday’s news.
Casey:
Yeah. So that actually reminds me of something that I should point out right now.
Jeff:
“. . .say that reminds me. . .”
Casey:
Exactly. Which is that I didn’t even think of this but I bet the media is so excited because they’re like, “Yes, finally, a political fuck scandal where it’s a guy and a girl,” right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Because they’ve had nothing but…
Jeff:
No, even better, it’s like it’s a democrat. Like, Fox News…
Casey:
Oh, yeah, that’s right.
Jeff:
Totally… Yeah, Fox News had to be, like, “thank God. I mean, we needed this. Oh, my goodness. I just wish it was another boy.”
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
that’s all they could really hope for.
Casey:
Okay, sorry, continue.
Jeff:
So anyway, they interviewed Larry Flynt, right?
Casey:
Right. Okay. Now, he’s still alive.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright. He must be an old motherfucker.
Jeff:
I don’t think he’s… He’s not talking out of a blowhole but… I mean, he got shot and so…
Casey:
He got shot?
Jeff:
Yeah, a long time ago. And he’s all fucked up. So he’s like… I mean, he’s not… He sounds like he’s got something… I mean, he’s got some issues.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
He’s actually a reasonably cool guy, right. Like, his writing is awesome.
Casey:
I’m not knocking him. I don’t really know anything about him, though, to be honest… I just thought he’d probably be real…
Jeff:
He’s just one of those really… Rascals that are kind of asshole-y…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
But I happen to agree with his view on the first amendment and stuff so it’s kinda, like, fun. You probably wouldn’t want to hang around with the guy because he seems like a scumbag.
Casey:
But he’s probably also the only reason you still have any speech rights is because he spent billions of Dollars in court…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Is basically what it boils down to.
Jeff:
Totally. So anyway, he said, “We’re offering a million Dollars to her right now just to take it off.”
Casey:
To do what? It’s just to pose naked?
Jeff:
To pose naked.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
But he pointed out, and this is where I…
Casey:
She doesn’t have to hump anything inappropriate?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Rabbits…
Casey:
Okay. No… You don’t hump the rabbit. the rabbit humps you. “the rabbit humps you, bitch. You don’t hump the rabbit. the rabbit humps you.”
Jeff:
Get ready.
Casey:
Okay. “Apparently, you ain’t seen the video, motherfucker, because the rabbit humps you.”
Jeff:
“Let me give you tags, just a minute.”
Casey:
Yeah. “Let me give you tags.”
Jeff:
Okay, so…
Casey:
“that end goes from the rabbit to you, not from you to the rabbit. Okay?”
Jeff:
It’s not commutative.
Casey:
It is not.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So anyway, he was clarifying the offer.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Because this million Dollars… It’s a million Dollars, right?
Casey:
that’s a lot of money.
Jeff:
that’s a lot of money.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So for a million Dollars, he was very specific saying that, “the readers of Hustler don’t compromise,” right?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
they don’t compromise which… And he went to clarify that that means she has to be completely naked, not simply topless.
Casey:
Right. He says, “Let me explain to you what we mean by compromise because around here…”
Jeff:
All I could think of was, “the readers of Hustler ONLY compromise,” right? that’s why they’re reading Hustler, right?
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Otherwise, they’d be out in the real world. they compromised a long time ago when they stayed in their mom’s basement…
Casey:
Oh, dude.
Jeff:
When they went for the subscription instead of buying at the newsstand. Compromise right there, like, “Oh, my God. I can save 17.87,” you know. I’m gonna market down one the little… You know, when I keep reading them… I’m just saying they have lived in the world of compromise since about 18. So let’s not give them any credit.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
Alright? So anyway… But yeah, so that was…
Casey:
Okay, so he’s basically saying that the million Dollars, there’s no negotiation room there. If she said, “I’ll take my top off for 500K…”
Jeff:
No. It’s all or nothing.
Casey:
It’s like, “No. It’s a million Dollars. You take everything off or you go strip for someone else.”
Jeff:
Because that would be compromise. 500,000 — that means we met in the middle.
Casey:
Right. And we don’t do that kind of shit.
Jeff:
the line in the sand for Hustler readers is complete nudity or nothing.
Casey:
Yes. Alright.
Jeff:
Otherwise, “You can go talk to someone else because I ain’t talking to you.” So anyway, made it clear so hopefully, she got the message. We’ll see.
Casey:
Well, I had only really one takeaway from this whole affair (pun intended) which was that the report said (that I read) that she charges or the service charges $4,500 an hour.
Jeff:
Yes. Well, there were some women that were that high. She was $1,000 an hour. But that went up to $4,500 an hour is the top level…
Casey:
So somebody gets $4,500 but not her?
Jeff:
No. She’s…
Casey:
Interesting. Okay. Are you sure about that?
Jeff:
Yes, I’m sure.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
She did get… Now, what’s confusing about this…
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
I’ve read this article carefully, right?
Casey:
Okay, right.
Jeff:
I’ve reconciled my own bank accounts, going, “Wait a minute, I think I’m getting overcharged.”
Casey:
“I got overcharged. this is bullshit. You didn’t give me the same deal you gave Eliot Spitzer. What the fuck?! I don’t compromise.” Yeah.
Jeff:
“I don’t compromise but apparently I do.”
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
No, he got caught for paying her $4,000 but that was for a 4-hour appointment.
Casey:
Oh, okay, so for a 4-hour appointment.
Jeff:
Right, but if he had gone top-shelf, right…
Casey:
Right, then that would have actually been 18.
Jeff:
Yeah. So anyway, it could’ve been worse.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Or it could’ve been better.
Casey:
Or it could’ve been much better, 4 times as better.
Jeff:
Well, yes.
Casey:
Well, my feeling on that was, A, the realization that nobody will ever pay me $4,500 to have sex with them which is really depressing. I was like, “Someone out there is getting $4,500 an hour to have sex with them and I don’t know if I could pull in 50 bucks. Like, maybe I could pull in 50 bucks… I probably couldn’t say upfront it was an hour, maybe around an hour. And if it has to longer, it can or something. But there’s just no fucking way.
Jeff:
No, it’s like, 20 minutes and then I fall asleep for the last part.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. So $4,500 — that would never happen. But it’s worse than that because not only… It’s like, okay, so maybe that person’s specialty is sex, right? No one’s ever gonna pay me $4,500 an hour to program, either, which is what I do for a living.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying…
Casey:
Nothing I will ever do will be worth…
Jeff:
You will never make… Okay.
Casey:
Right. Even if I started a company and made millions of Dollars, then that’s like I’m making a successful company, my time would still… No one would still offer me $4,500 to do any specific thing, right?
Jeff:
there is nothing you could do…
Casey:
Nothing I could ever do will be worth $4,500. Period.
Jeff:
$4,500… Right.
Casey:
And that was depressing, right? It’s like some random person…
Jeff:
You shouldn’t say that out loud, though.
Casey:
What do you mean?
Jeff:
Well, because now, what we’re gonna do is someone’s gonna email the podcast and say, “I understand that you’ll do anything for $4,500…”
Casey:
$4,500 an hour…
Jeff:
“And first of, I need to put on the bunny suit…”
Casey:
Yeah…
Jeff:
So I’m just saying, you might get some… You know, Podcast@MollyRocket.com, $4,500 an hour, Casey will do anything.
Casey:
Yeah. I accept Paypal. First of all, I accept Paypal but if you want to do this MasterCard or Visa bullshit, there’s a 2% fee.
Jeff:
Yeah, you have to pay a little extra. . .
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah. that’s fine with me.
Jeff:
We’re not [ eating that ].
Casey:
Because no one’s ever gonna fucking do that. No one’s gonna pay me $4,500…
Jeff:
You’re never gonna get $4,500.
Casey:
I’m never gonna get $4,500. It’s that fucking simple.
Jeff:
Well, I believe…
Casey:
And if I did get $4,500 for sex, it would not be the mayor of New York or whatever the fuck he is. It will be, like, the mayor of some fucking po-dunk like Vernon, Florida, right? I would be fucking not the second string but the 1,100th string. I would be fucking a mayor of, like, a town of 40 fucking people with no teeth. that’s who I would be fucking.
Jeff:
“there’s a new scandal out of Spokane Washington. Apparently, there was a particular young man who was charging $45.00 an hour for sex…”
Casey:
For sex and nobody fucking cared.
Jeff:
Right. And apparently, the mayor’s check bounced which is how we found out about it.
Casey:
Yeah. that is what it would be. that is exactly what it would be, yes.
Jeff:
that is semi-depressing.
Casey:
Yeah, I don’t like it at all. It was basically… the week had 2 sexually-depressing incidents in it.
Jeff:
2?
Casey:
Number 1 was the $4,500 for sex thing… And you know, I don’t need to see that. As far as I’m concerned, don’t report that number, okay? It makes people feel bad.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
It makes people feel bad. Alright?
Jeff:
Alright. Sure.
Casey:
I feel bad for Eliot Spitzer because, on one hand, I’ve never had to pay someone $4,500 to have sex with me…
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
But I feel way worse for the fact that no one’s ever gonna pay me, right?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So it doesn’t balance out there at all.
Jeff:
Sure. You just feel bad.
Casey:
So that was bad.
Jeff:
Right, that was the first one.
Casey:
the second thing that made me genuinely concerned…
Jeff:
Genuinely… Okay…
Casey:
And I don’t know if you’ve seen this yet, Jeff, because it did not seem to be widely circulated…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And I’ll tell you how I found it, actually, as well.
Jeff:
Animal humping?
Casey:
No.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I was watching a YouTube video on something that you sent me.
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
I can’t remember what it was but it was something that you sent me. this thing had nothing to do with breasts at all…
Jeff:
the video I sent you?
Casey:
Yes. It was a video you sent me that was on a totally innocuous topic.
Jeff:
So what you’re saying is the video that you did get to was about breasts?
Casey:
Yes, well I’m getting to that.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Okay. In the little “Related” section, the top thing on the “Related” section was “Breast Massage Robot”.
Jeff:
Wow.
Casey:
that’s what it said — “Breast Massage Robot”.
Jeff:
So the YouTube “Related” just shit the bed. that server exploded.
Casey:
Yeah, I was like…
Jeff:
And it’s recommending completely different…
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Awesome. Okay.
Casey:
It was not a breast video.
Jeff:
It wasn’t a robot video…
Casey:
Which is what I would have expected…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Any of the times when watching breast videos on YouTube could’ve come up then and it would have made some sense.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
this time, it was some random thing.
Jeff:
So you’re saying the video I sent you, which we don’t know, but it didn’t feature breasts…
Casey:
Yeah, I should go look up what it was because it was actually a good thing.
Jeff:
It didn’t feature breasts?
Casey:
What have you sent me lately? I think it was a game thing.
Jeff:
I send you a lot of stuff.
Casey:
Yeah, it’s true.
Jeff:
I like a good link.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
But it was not breasts. It was not massage.
Casey:
Robots…
Jeff:
And it was not robots.
Casey:
there was none of the 2 things and it found “Breast Massage Robot”. I’m like, “Okay, I’m going to click on that.”
Jeff:
“Breast Massage Robot”.
Casey:
Yes, right.
Jeff:
Of course, who wouldn’t?
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
I click on it.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
And it is exactly what it says it is.
Jeff:
It was correctly…
Casey:
It is labeled correctly. there is a company in Beijing called Bubby Robot Technologies…
Jeff:
Bubby Robot…
Casey:
Yes, which is bringing to market…
Jeff:
that sounds like Bubba’s Robot.
Casey:
Exactly.
Jeff:
“Ding ding! We need a breast massage robot!”
Casey:
It’s bringing to market a robot that massages your breasts.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Okay? Not men, obviously. It’s for female breasts.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
they don’t have a male version of this. It is a female breast massage robot.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
And it is basically exactly what you might imagine. It’s like, 2 robotic arms that are kind of reaching around you from behind…
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
With little sort of cup shaped openings, suctioning cup-looking things… And it goes in sort of like a circular motion, a complimentary circular motion, so when one side is on the top of the spool…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Almost like the wheels of a locomotive engine…
Jeff:
As it works…
Casey:
Yes, that are slanted by a rod. It is this kind of emotion. It did not, again unfortunately, show any actual breast being massaged but they did show the robot kind of…
Jeff:
Working it?
Casey:
Going in a motion where you could imagine that there were breasts there.
Jeff:
Okay. Now, you showed me this video.
Casey:
Did I show you this video?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Okay, so you’ve seen the video?
Jeff:
Yeah. And the first thing that struck me was this is the assy-est, cheapest looking robot. It looks like sheet metal, like they fabricated it out of the kind of metal that they used to make computer cases out of.
Casey:
Oh, man, that’s gonna cut. that’s gonna be unpleasant.
Jeff:
It just looks… And it almost looks like, from the… Like a steam-powered breast massage because it kinda… Like you say, it’s got all of these rotating pulleys that have belts on them and stuff.
Casey:
Oh, God. I didn’t notice this.
Jeff:
So it kinda looks like it should be, like… the operation of it is very train-like or you feel like it’s working up the…
Casey:
Yeah, it’s like starting massage, start, toot toot… Yeah.
Jeff:
Totally. Now, why was this depressing, though? Because I thought this was the most awesome thing in the world.
Casey:
Okay, so here’s why it’s depressing. In general, I pro-automation.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
I like it when we take things that humans used to do…
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
And automate them so that humans do not have to do it anymore.
Jeff:
Yeah. Okay.
Casey:
When we make a factory that automatically assembles car so that people don’t have to spend all day screwing in hubcaps…
Jeff:
Right, or getting crushed under the cars, right…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
I am pro that. I feel like that’s kind of progress.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Massaging breasts, on the other hand, is really not something… I don’t want the need…
Jeff:
You don’t want to be replaced…
Casey:
For human breast massage to be any less than it already is which, frankly in my opinion, is already too low.
Jeff:
Okay, I see.
Casey:
In other words, we are not currently, like, “God, all of these guys are out there having to massaging breasts all the time. If only there was a robot…”
Jeff:
To sub guys sitting at a café somewhere all tired out.
Casey:
“To cut down on the amount of breast massaging I have to do…” Right. “I’m sick of massaging breasts all day.”
Jeff:
“Oh, man. I’ve been massaging breasts all day long.”
Casey:
Is there a Breast Massagers Union? Are they looking for more vacation-time?
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
No. that’s not happening.
Jeff:
We need to pick it. We need…
Casey:
Yeah. that never happens. Nobody fucking…
Jeff:
You know, “Hey ho! Robots must go!”
Casey:
Yeah, they didn’t strike on breast massage.
Jeff:
No.
Casey:
they weren’t like, “You know what, I’m not massaging another fucking breast…”
Jeff:
“Where’s my local 36D?”
Casey:
Exactly. So I’m sitting here going, robotics is, in general, a fairly male-dominated field. I have a number of robotics books. they’re all written by men. What are these people thinking? What were they thinking when they made this robot? I don’t understand.
Jeff:
Here’s what they’re thinking…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
this is a common thing that happens to men.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Men think women are exactly the same so they’re like, “I’m going to make the product I would make for myself but for them.” they’re not going to get a single sell.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
I mean, if you look at this robot, it looks like a scoliosis corrector, right? It’s got this big fucking strap and like… You’re just like…
Casey:
It is kind of more like a breast massage backpack than a robot…
Jeff:
Yeah, it’s just a huge thing.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It probably runs on 220. So you have to plug it in in the washing room. You’ve got to unplug the dryer, plug this in, and then wait for the pistons to get, you know…
Casey:
“Oh, man, I blew the circuit. I gotta go reset the fuse.”
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Well, I don’t believe that necessarily, though, because if I was a robotics designer, I wouldn’t think like, “What is it that…” I’d be thinking like, “What do I want automated?” Right?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Where’s the penis massage robot?
Jeff:
Where’s the penis massage robot?
Casey:
Where’s the penis massage robot? there should have been at least a penis massage robot.
Jeff:
I think I can totally understand. I’ve got that, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. If you see breast massage robot with the unfinished sheet metal hinges with pistons and stuff, I guarantee they made the penis massager and that guy is still in the hospital. He’s still recovering and they went, “Man, okay. Bubba, you didn’t pull this off. We need to repurpose this technology…”
Casey:
For something else…
Jeff:
Right because it went wrong. It didn’t massage. It stretched to the limits and back.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
And when they were able to unplug it, trip the breaker, pull the plug, the guy’s in the hospital. He’s probably like the president because if you own the company and you’re making penis massagers, you’re like, “I’m beta testing. I’m number 1. I don’t want to be second on the machine, for sure.”
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
You want to be first.
Casey:
Yeah. “And I want the one that doesn’t have the safeguards.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“I want to be able to set the dials to whatever I want.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah, and that was a bad decision.
Jeff:
Right. And like in all the other movies, when the engineers tell… Like in Spiderman, when they’re telling Harry Osborn, “Dude, don’t take the potion. It’s not ready.”
Casey:
No. Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff:
Right. And he’s like, “No, push it to the limit.” And then he did and it ripped his dick off.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly.
Jeff:
And then he’s like…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s in the hospital. the engineers don’t have any direction. You know, the engineers… they’re okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Nobody’s about to put on the penis massager…
Casey:
So like, what the fuck, yeah…
Jeff:
“What are we going to do? He’s in the hospital. We have medical bills to pay. this isn’t China, we have no…”
Casey:
“And we only have massage technology.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“We’ve got to massage… this company has to massage something in the next 4 weeks or we are going to go bankrupt.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
“Now, you guys better figure out something to massage.
Jeff:
Totally. And they get right on it because there’s no Workman’s Comp in China, right?
Casey:
Right. Yeah, okay.
Jeff:
He didn’t file a dick ripped off industrial accident.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
No. they say, “If we don’t produce something that massages something and sell an ass-load, we’re never getting the president out of the hospital.”
Casey:
Yes, exactly.
Jeff:
He’s never leaving there on 3 legs again.
Casey:
Exactly. Yeah, and forget children.
Jeff:
So, yeah, that had to be what happened.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
So I don’t see any woman in…
Casey:
that makes sense, actually, yeah…
Jeff:
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t see any woman strapping this thing on. You have…
Casey:
It does make me feel a little bit better.
Jeff:
I mean, they’d have to be out of their mind. I mean, even to beta test this device, you’re going to have to put an ad in the paper for, like, “Southern fat man…”
Casey:
Because you don’t think you’re gonna be able to get women testers?
Jeff:
No, no, not at all.
Casey:
Only southern fat men.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
It’s like some dude, he shows up with his pickup truck or whatever, right, takes one look at the machine and goes, “Alright, now I’m going to have both hands free for beers.”
Jeff:
Oh, right. He’s got the beer hat. He’s got the mustache rides…
Casey:
He’s already got that taken care of.
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
He’s just ready to go. He comes in. He’s like, “Oh, hook me up. Let’s party.”
Casey:
“Oh, look who brought the Asian boob machine bus.”
Jeff:
He shows up in a party that night in front of his friends…
Casey:
“Look who brought the Asian boob machine.”
Jeff:
It’s turned on.
Casey:
Right. Okay, it’s going.
Jeff:
It’s like, you can hear… Kind of like a…
Casey:
Yeah, he’s pushing into it a little bit. You know, he’s moving back and forth to try to get into position. “Oh, yeah, get a little bit under there. Oh, yeah. Perfect. that’s what I’m talking about.”
Jeff:
“Billy Bob like. Billy Bob like.”
Casey:
“I just thought of something I did not think of earlier when I put this machine on. I bet I could turn it ‘round and it could do my butt, too. I bet it could do the butt. I don’t see any reason why it couldn’t. Asian boob butt machine. I’ll write the company.” Totally.
Jeff:
Oh, my goodness. Well, hopefully it makes you feel better in the competition sense because I don’t think there is any, so…
Casey:
Well, I do feel a little bit better. At least you have explained why there is not a penis massage robot and that was, I guess part of my…
Jeff:
Yeah, “P.S. Industrial accident…” Yeah.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. the industrial accident…
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s what it’s classified in OSHA.
Casey:
Something went horribly wrong at the factory.
Jeff:
Yeah, totally because it gains sentience and then just started raping the factory workers, just going to town…
Casey:
Awesome, awesome, awesome…
Jeff:
And so, there’s like some president of the company like…
Casey:
Well, it’s more like security, right. It’s like they’re looking at the thing and they’re like, “Oh, we’ve got a situation developing in Sector 5.” And the main character guy is like, looking down and going like, “It’s gone crazy! the penis massage robot is out of control. Shut it down.”
Jeff:
“Shut it down, man.”
Casey:
“Shut it down.” “We can’t. We’re shutting it down but it’s not responding to our external commands.”
Jeff:
“Drop the blast stores.”
Casey:
“We don’t know what’s happening. Close the area. Just throw the whole factory if you have to but do not let that penis massage robot out. So not let it out.”
Jeff:
And in reality…
Casey:
“It could fuck everything within a 5-mile radius if we do not terminate it now. Just throw the whole factory if you have to.”
Jeff:
And in reality, it’s gonna get to the top of some stairs and just stop because it only has wheels.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
It’s just like… Or it, like…
Casey:
Right, and Ray Kurtzwell says, “I knew that was gonna happen. I projected the penis massage robot out to the weak and that it would not be able to do stairs.?
Jeff:
So, yeah… Or it gets caught…
Casey:
Yeah, “I also do weddings and bar mitzvahs, if you have any speaking engagements.
Jeff:
thank you very much.
Casey:
thank you very much.
Jeff:
I suppose the other thing could happen is, like, on the way out of the building, it could get sidetracked.
Casey:
Alright. So they couldn’t contain it.
Jeff:
they couldn’t contain it.
Casey:
the national guard showed up, is not responding to nuclear weapons…
Jeff:
No, no. Right.
Casey:
It’s invincible.
Jeff:
the bullets are bouncing…
Casey:
We’ve built a penis massaging robot that’s too strong. that’s too strong. It cannot be stopped.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Yeah, right. Absolutely.
Jeff:
It’s leaving the building. It notices. And the visual recognition system’s not that good yet, right?
Casey:
No. Yeah.
Jeff:
Because it goes by…
Casey:
Because all it knows is penis/not penis. that’s what the visual recognition system has been trained on.
Jeff:
Exactly. Right.
Casey:
So it can basically identify whether or not the thing in front of it is something it should massage but that’s it.
Jeff:
Right. So it’s a Honda factory, going nuts, and it sees… It’s a combination factory of a motorcycle factory…
Casey:
Right. Oh, yeah, because it’s Honda. Obviously, they make motorcycles…
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Sure.
Jeff:
So, yeah, it would just get hung up. they would finally just stop…
Casey:
It sees a tailpipe or something.
Jeff:
Right, and just starts jerking like a maniac.
Casey:
Right, it’s just on there and it keeps… “Cannot satisfy. Error 37.”
Jeff:
“Need lubrication.”
Casey:
“Penis is not responding.”
Jeff:
Until it runs out of juice.
Casey:
“Penis is not res-pon-ding…”
Jeff:
Right. And it’s like, thank God, man. thank God.
Casey:
If it wasn’t for that handlebar, Harry, I know, man. I know. And then fade.
Jeff:
that’s the total summer blockbuster porn film from, like…
Casey:
Totally…
Jeff:
It would be like from Michael Bay but his name wouldn’t be Michael Bay. It would be, like…
Casey:
Oh, right…
Jeff:
Miguel Bay or something where they take a real name and… Oh, maybe… No, so it’s Miguel Bay presents…
Casey:
Directing… Jerry Bruckheimer funding it…
Jeff:
Jerry Buckhammer, like… Right? Film presents, you know, “Penis Machine Envy”.
Casey:
I would like to see the… I don’t understand the directing thing, though, in porn. I mean, I know… Obviously porn films have all the same things that a real film has.
Jeff:
Special effects.
Casey:
Like I’m sure they have special effects, a cinematographer, whatever… But what does the director do? Because if there’s a director, that implies that there is acting going on that needs to be directed.
Jeff:
Oh, sure.
Casey:
I mean, it seems like you just have a guy who reads off the part of the script that says, “Okay, you’re on the bed. You’re on your knees. And he’s watching. And go.”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
What directing occurs there, right?
Jeff:
No, no, no. You have to have the context, right? He’s like, “Cut, cut, cut.” And he goes over to direct… He doesn’t want to shout in front of the crew…
Casey:
the context?
Jeff:
Right, the context. And he goes out to the guy and he’s like, “Look, look, look, look… I don’t think you quite get it. You’re not just fucking her ear,” right.
Casey:
Okay. Right, it’s like, “It’s not just an ear that you’re fucking. this isn’t just… What the ear represents… this ear is everything in your life that you have turned your back on, that you left behind, and that now you are returning to, okay? Fuck it like that ear. Okay? Fuck it like that. that is the ear that I want to see you fuck. Go. Go.” that’s perfect. No. that’s perfect. I like it.
Jeff:
then there must be method porn actors that, like, clash with directors when their artistic visions…
Casey:
Oh, like great porn actors…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
the great porn actors of the day.
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
the leading man.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay. I can see that. Somebody who’s basically… Who lives the porn, right? Whatever the porn is that they’re gonna do in the movie, they do in real life. that’s how they have sex in real life now is how that character is having sex in the porno. Is that what you’re saying?
Jeff:
Well, no. they don’t have to go that far. I mean, they can like… they just need to get in this head space and maybe stay in character.
Casey:
What are you talking? Of course they have to go that far. Of course they have to go that far.
Jeff:
Are you saying the…
Casey:
the audience is gonna see right fucking through that, right? Some dude…
Jeff:
You’re saying the audience can tell?
Casey:
Yeah. Some connoisseur… Some art house porn connoisseur, right, he doesn’t watch the mainstream shit. He watches, like, the cutting edge porn, like the real porn. that’s what he watches. He’s gonna pick up the DVD and he’s gonna look at the back and it’s going to say like “all anal action” and he’s gonna watch it. And he’s gonna be like…
Jeff:
Right. He has expectations.
Casey:
And he’s gonna be like, “this is bullshit. this is absolute bullshit. It said ‘all anal action’… You block out the woman in these shots and I would have no idea which way you were fucking her. I would have no idea. I should be able to tell just by the look in your eye where you’re fucking, how you’re fucking, and who you’re fucking…”
Jeff:
And what you’re fucking.
Casey:
Yeah. Which orifice… It should all be right there in his face. that is classic acting, okay, and this is bullshit.
Jeff:
Alright. So just every…
Casey:
You obviously don’t know the first fucking thing about porn is what I’ve learned from this discussion.
Jeff:
It all has to be there, right. Alright. So I guess we’re just gonna go into our Metacritic 100 games…
Casey:
No. I am not feeling like that.
Jeff:
You don’t have it in you?
Casey:
No, because let me put it this way. Again, I my imaginary life as an EA executive…
Jeff:
Sure.
Casey:
Metacritic 100 is all I hear all the time. that’s my job every day.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Either it’s, “How do we Metacritic 100 this?”
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Which I don’t know. Okay…
Jeff:
I’m an executive. What do you expect…
Casey:
Yeah, how do I fucking know? Yeah. Or, there’s not enough Burger King in it, right? It’s like, “Where’s the Burger King?”
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I can’t tell you how many times a game comes across… You know, Command & Conquer 11 (or I don't even know what they're up to now, some ridiculous number, I don't keep track)…
Jeff:
You need to infuse the Burger King.
Casey:
Exactly. And they’re like… “Okay, you had Billy D. Williams in this, alright. He’s in the cut scenes for this game. the dude will pimp anything…”
Jeff:
How could you not give him a burger?
Casey:
“He did not eat a burger, dip a chicken finger, drink a soda the entire time.”
Jeff:
“What’s wrong with you guys?”
Casey:
“Do they not have Burger King in the future? Because let me tell you something right now, a future without Burger King is a future without EA. So you better fucking figure it out.” this is what I hear during the day.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
So I don’t really want to hear Metacritic 100 when we’re doing the podcast which is supposed to be fun to me.
Jeff:
Alright, I see. So you don’t want to be working 24 hours?
Casey:
No, I fucking quit.
Jeff:
this is your downtime.
Casey:
I imaginarily quit.
Jeff:
You’re imagining?
Casey:
I think we should go indie.
Jeff:
You imaginarily quit…
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
Your imaginary job so that we can do imaginary indie games.
Casey:
Yeah, I want to do an indie game, that’s right.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
But I don’t know…
Jeff:
I’ll throw out my other game but I do have an indie game. And I actually want to make…
Casey:
Okay. that’s what I want to hear then. this is what I want to hear.
Jeff:
I want to make this game because it wouldn’t be hard. And so, at some point, we’ll put this on the…
Casey:
In reality, you want to make this?
Jeff:
Yeah. It will be good.
Casey:
Not imaginary?
Jeff:
No. Not imaginary. this will be a game on the Molly Rocket site at one time.
Casey:
Okay. Alright.
Jeff:
You’ll be able to download it with…
Casey:
With the podcast?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Like the demo disc for PC Gamer magazine or something.
Jeff:
Yeah, multimedia presentation.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
You know, people doing videocasts… How many people are doing gamecasts? I don’t know.
Casey:
Yeah, probably no one.
Jeff:
Right. None. So, alright… So, yeah. So my game is… You played… You know, there’s the indie scene and kind of the thing, you know… An important game in the indie scene has been “the Marriage”, right?
Casey:
Yes. I have seen this played… It was at the Experimental Game Play Workshop. I saw it, yes.
Jeff:
Okay. So if you remember, this game is really about what the player brings to the table, right?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
It’s very abstract.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
It’s like, there is a…
Casey:
And when you say table, that’s a metaphor not in the Burger King sense that we were talking about before, right?
Jeff:
We’re indie now. C’mon.
Casey:
Just making sure.
Jeff:
Get in the right headspace.
Casey:
Okay, sorry. I’m shaking it off. Never mind.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
I hear “brings to the table” and I’m already… I feel like I have a tray in my hand.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, that’s where I’m at.
Jeff:
Step away from the…
Casey:
I’m bringing to the table and there’s that little piece of paper in there that slips around and I’m like, okay, I’m sitting down, I’m in the… But yeah, I see what you mean.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You mean “bring to the table” their life experiences?
Jeff:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Step away from the pre-package catch-up…
Casey:
Okay, sorry.
Jeff:
And get with the program.
Casey:
the packets.
Jeff:
Yeah, the packets. the Heinz packets.
Casey:
Heinz ketchup.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Okay, so in this game, if you remember… It’s very abstract, right. It’s got a blue square and a pink square and there’s lots of little floating brown circle things…
Casey:
Circles?
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Are they square or circles?
Jeff:
I don’t remember.
Casey:
Probably squares but sure, maybe they’re circles.
Jeff:
Okay. Yeah. So it’s all very abstract. In fact, without the name “the Marriage”, there’d be no context at all to understand this…
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
Or to even have an experience that means anything.
Casey:
Kind of like a regular marriage.
Jeff:
Yeah, right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right, exactly.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So in this game, the only control you have is when you mouse over either the blue or the pink one…
Casey:
So you just put the cursor…
Jeff:
Right, above it.
Casey:
In the rectangle?
Jeff:
Right. they move towards each other. that’s your control.
Casey:
And it doesn’t matter which one you do?
Jeff:
I think… I don’t think it matters. Or it might be that the pink one moves towards the blue one and the blue one continues and…
Casey:
Oh, okay. So there might be some control.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
But it’s very, very abstract. the game play is not exactly the point.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Or it is the point, it’s just not… You’re not doing this to win anything.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So in this game, the longer the blue is away from the red, if it’s hitting the brown things, it’s becoming stronger, right?
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
And those are… You know, this is my interpretation.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
the man having outside interest.
Casey:
Like porn?
Jeff:
Like porn.
Casey:
Right. the boob massage robot…
Jeff:
the boob massage robot…
Casey:
the penis massage robot…
Jeff:
the penis massage robot is one of the little things.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So when he goes over that, he becomes larger.
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
He becomes bigger and stronger. Now, on the pink side… And I’m not remembering this exactly so I apologize but the idea is the longer she is not in contact with the blue, she shrinks. She becomes small. And now if the blue guy shrinks to nothing, that’s the end of the game or the end of the marriage…
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
If the other one shrinks to nothing…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So the guy can’t stay away from her forever either.
Casey:
But you say he’s getting bigger when he touches things. So it’s only her…
Jeff:
When he’s getting bigger, it’s when… He’s getting bigger as long as he’s touching other things.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
When he’s touching her, he shrinks slightly, she gets stronger.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So that’s the game, basically.
Casey:
Now, it could be me bringing something to the table…
Jeff:
Yes, bring it.
Casey:
But it does seem to me like there is a certain perceptive on marriage that is somewhat hard-coded into the game rules…
Jeff:
Oh, sure.
Casey:
If you will.
Jeff:
No… Oh, I mean, that’s a little bit of, like, “Hey, it’s a personal statement,” right?
Casey:
Yeah. And by that, of course, I mean that when a woman is in a relationship, she gets fat. And when she’s outside of it, she has to slim down. that’s what I took away from your description.
Jeff:
Okay, I don’t know if you’re supposed to…
Casey:
But that’s not correct?
Jeff:
Yeah, maybe?
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Okay. I don’t think that’s what he was going for but, yeah…
Casey:
Well, maybe not but okay…
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
Continue.
Jeff:
So my indie game is a sequel to that. It’s a sequel to the Marriage.
Casey:
Okay. Alright. Which I guess… Is that even something you can do? I mean, how does the licensing work? Or am I in my EA role again?
Jeff:
It’s indie, man. I can do whatever I want.
Casey:
A few minutes back, you said something like the game play is not the point and that switched my EA brain up again.
Jeff:
Okay, I’m sorry. Yeah. Yeah.
Casey:
So I can… You know what I’m saying?
Jeff:
Right, right.
Casey:
It doesn’t sound that indie to me but alright, yeah…
Jeff:
If you remove the game…
Casey:
I was like, “If the game play is not the point, then we can do this as a commercial…”
Jeff:
Alright, stay with me. So we’re still on the indie thing. So my version is called the White Trash Marriage.
Casey:
Awesome.
Jeff:
So there’s a couple core changes to this one. First off, my blue square has a little white sleeveless t-shirt on.
Casey:
Okay, so you’re upping the production value a little bit.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It’s got, like, a texture-mapped, pit-stained, like a little unshaven armpit sticking out…
Jeff:
Yeah, totally.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So the guy’s wearing one of those.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
the woman square is just covered in mascara.
Casey:
Stretch pants…
Jeff:
Stretch pants…
Casey:
Leopard print…
Jeff:
Leopard print…
Casey:
Perfect. I love it.
Jeff:
Maybe like a denim skirt over the stretch pants…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
Because it’s kinda upscale trailer park.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
So we don’t want her showing too much. Okay.
Jeff:
Right. Okay. the other major change is a fire button in my game which I’ll explain.
Casey:
Awesome. Wow. this sounds really cool.
Jeff:
Unlike just the hover, we actually have a fire [ gonna happen ]…
Casey:
TIGSource is going to lose their shit over this.
Jeff:
Yes. this is gonna… Oh, yeah, totally.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So the way White Trash Marriage works is very similar. You’re floating around.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Now, the man, when he’s floating around, we make explicit that the little circles are beer. there’s just beer.
Casey:
Okay. Alright. So it actually is a little beer can or something.
Jeff:
Yeah. If you want, maybe we do a little licensing there like…
Casey:
Okay. So I can still play a role in the development of this game, if you will, by lining up some big name lousy macro brews like Pabst Blue Ribbon, like Miller Genuine Light…
Jeff:
Totally. Whatever you can sell to our target white trash demographic.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So as he’s floating around and he runs into these, he becomes more and more difficult to control. He’s getting a little…
Casey:
He’s kinda not really going where the mass sort of tells it to?
Jeff:
Right. And it gets harder for you to click on him because he’s speeding up and slowing down.
Casey:
A little wobbly? Okay. Right.
Jeff:
So that’s his half of the screen.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Now, on the other half of the screen, the farther you get away from the female square, the pink square, the more likely she…
Casey:
the leopard print square…
Jeff:
the leopard print square… the more likely she’s going to fuck the brown circles.
Casey:
Okay, so these brown circles are, like, her cousins, her stepdad, or other people she’s likely to do in this scenario.
Jeff:
Yes. Uncle/brother is floating around…
Casey:
Yeah, is floating around…
Jeff:
So if you get too far, yeah, the circles just start bouncing up against… And it has to be… You have to bring something to the table.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So it’s not going to be…
Casey:
It’s not obvious.
Jeff:
It’s going to be suggested that, like, the little brown circles humping the…
Casey:
Right. So maybe the circle doesn’t have a line coming out of it…
Jeff:
No, no, no.
Casey:
But maybe there’s heavy breathing in the soundtrack or a heartbeat…
Jeff:
Right, or maybe they just like…
Casey:
Pulse a little bit…
Jeff:
Yeah, pulse.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
We can work that out.
Casey:
the brown circle pulses 3 times and then finishes.
Jeff:
Okay, then goes on.
Casey:
No, it just stops completely for a while.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Like, a few hours.
Jeff:
Okay. Awesome.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
So the idea, the point, is that you don’t get too far apart or she’s gonna go to town.
Casey:
Right, but you still need your beer.
Jeff:
You have to get your beer.
Casey:
A beer-free life is going to make you shrink.
Jeff:
You have to get your been on in this.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So you’re like, you have to go get the beer, not get too far. However, once the implied circular copulation…
Casey:
So you do get too far, right? You drank too much beer…
Jeff:
And you’re too far away…
Casey:
And you’re too far away…
Jeff:
Yeah. then they start working it.
Casey:
Something happens.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay, right. the copulation between the leopard print and the brown circle…
Jeff:
Gets underway.
Casey:
It’s happening.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
So you down in the corner, when this occurs, your character then becomes armed. He pulls out a gun.
Casey:
Okay. Right.
Jeff:
Yeah, we have guns.
Casey:
Now, is it a suggested gun? It’s just an actual gun? It’s just a shotgun?
Jeff:
No, it’s a real gun. In fact, it might be 3D. Everything else is 2D. It might be actual 3D…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
But does it change perspective to first person at this point?
Jeff:
No, no. It’s still top down…
Casey:
It’s still top down with a 3D shotgun…
Jeff:
With a 3D shotgun…
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
With muzzle flare?
Jeff:
Everything.
Casey:
Okay. So full on Quake-style…
Jeff:
Rim lighting, everything…
Casey:
Quality shotgun?
Jeff:
Yes.
Casey:
Okay. Got it.
Jeff:
So you start trying to shoot the uncle/brother.
Casey:
Okay, and the pink leopard print square, as well? Or not?
Jeff:
No, you just try and…
Casey:
Oh, you just try and get that buy off your woman or whatever?
Jeff:
Right. But you can’t shoot for shit because you’re loaded, right? It’s just…
Casey:
You probably couldn’t shoot for shit even if you weren’t loaded but it’s even worse now.
Jeff:
Right. So you scare the guy off, you move towards each other again…
Casey:
And it’s happy again.
Jeff:
Right. And then, you repeat until…
Casey:
Until there’s no more beer in the world, in the world of the game.
Jeff:
Or partners, right, or anyone that would come anywhere near her.
Casey:
Oh, right, she’s already done everyone…
Jeff:
Everybody.
Casey:
Okay.
Jeff:
Right. And that’s what you take away from the game.
Casey:
I feel like I have seen the TV show version of this game on Fox with that…
Jeff:
Fox? Fox News?
Casey:
Is it possible… No, just one of their reality shows.
Jeff:
Oh, I see.
Casey:
I’m not sure which one it was but it does sound very familiar.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
I like it. I love the idea.
Jeff:
Well, we might be able to get, like, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline…
Casey:
It could be.
Jeff:
To sign on.
Casey:
I have an idea, though.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
For an additional aspect of the game…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
that allows someone to bring some other things to the table as you have been saying.
Jeff:
To better understand themselves…
Casey:
Yes, to better understand themselves.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
What if when the shotgun mode is enabled and you shoot a few times, what if, if you keep shooting, a black bar (metaphorical bar)…
Jeff:
Metaphorical bar…
Casey:
Splits this screen in half…
Jeff:
So you can’t get to your woman anymore?
Casey:
You can’t get to the woman anymore.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And the beer floating around goes away. there is no beer anymore.
Jeff:
Right.
Casey:
the new, instead of brown beer circles, there is not just brown circles with you in there…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
And they are bumping up against you.
Jeff:
Against you?
Casey:
Right.
Jeff:
So you no longer have beer circles. You have friend circles.
Casey:
Right. Exactly.
Jeff:
And you start shrinking?
Casey:
Yes, you start shrinking a lot.
Jeff:
And on the other side of the bar?
Casey:
On the other side, now she is just… there is, like, a ton of brown circles and she is doing all of the brown circles…
Jeff:
Awesome.
Casey:
Yeah, exactly. Until the black bar goes away in, say, 6 to 9 months…
Jeff:
Okay. Metaphorically…
Casey:
Metaphorically speaking… And you can cross back over to the other side.
Jeff:
And then the bar goes away, okay.
Casey:
Yeah.
Jeff:
Is there any times in those 6 to 9 months where a little hole in the bar opens up and they can kinda touch each other like some kind of conjugal gap we might call it in the black line?
Casey:
that… I want to say that is only if, in the previous… Before the black bar came down, if you had a little baby square…
Jeff:
Okay. You don’t get the conjugal gap at all?
Casey:
No, she doesn’t…
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Now, I’m thinking that when the black bar goes away…
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
You’re behind the black bar, the black bar goes away… I’m thinking that the player has the option, at this point, of going directly back into shotgun mode at which point, there’s a very brief game play experience and the black bar comes back.
Jeff:
Okay.
Casey:
Or actually putting down the shotgun, not using shotgun mode and touching the woman again.
Jeff:
Okay. Alright. And that’s how you continue.
Casey:
What do you think about that?
Jeff:
I think it thematically fits without suggesting what’s really happening. It’s what I want… Like…
Casey:
I think there’s a number of ways that those things I just said could be interpreted.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
I don’t think that they directly portray a series of event.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
they’re just things that you might…
Jeff:
Do. Okay. Yeah, no I think that’s an incredible improvement.
Casey:
Alright, let’s do it.
Jeff:
Alright. Well, I think…
Casey:
Perfect. that’s our indie game.
Jeff:
that’s the indie game.
Casey:
Start production.
Jeff:
We could do that immediately.
Casey:
Absolutely.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
White Trash Marriage — Indie Game Festival Finalist 2009 shoe-in.
Jeff:
Totally.
Casey:
Would be what I would say about that.
Jeff:
Yeah, I agree. I think that’s going to be awesome.
Casey:
Yes.
Jeff:
We can do that together.
Casey:
We’ll [ be mentioned in blogs ] worldwide…
Jeff:
that’s true.
Casey:
the world over…
Jeff:
Alright, that’s it for this week, everybody. And we should have a good one next week because I’m spending the week in Florida.
Casey:
Wow.
Jeff:
So I’ll have some Florida experience…
Casey:
there’s no way… this podcast had everything the people want to hear. It had prostitutes.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Casey:
It had…
Jeff:
Cocaine…
Casey:
Breast massage robots. It didn’t have cocaine.
Jeff:
We didn’t have any cocaine?
Casey:
I don’t think so.
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
there should have been some cocaine. Had I thought of it, that probably would have been good. People like that..
Jeff:
Alright.
Casey:
It had Asian technology and disasters. A penis massage robot gone awry. this is…
Jeff:
Summer blockbusters…
Casey:
It’s gonna be hard…
Jeff:
And an indie…
Casey:
It is going to be hard to top this podcast.
Jeff:
Alright. I think Florida has it in it.
Casey:
We’ll try.
Jeff:
Florida should be plenty of material.
Casey:
Alright.
Jeff:
Alright, thanks, everybody. We’ll see you next week.
Casey:
Alright, take it easy.
Jeff:
Bye.
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casey muratori
the jeff and casey show - season 1 - episode 3
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