jeffandcaseyshow.com - Episode 39

The Text Casey Wrote for His OKCupid Profile

2010-02-16 09:02:50 by Casey Muratori.

This was the text of Casey's profile page for OKCupid. The headings in bold are the sections that the web site asks people to fill in to create their profile.

My Self-Summary

Cupid: Give us a short description of yourself.

Me: I've never done this sort of thing before. Can you be more specific?

Cupid: It's the self-summary. The whole point is that it's non-specific. The specific questions come after the summary.

Me: Am I supposed to make it sound attractive?

Cupid: If possible, yes. You want to put your best foot forward.

Me: Can I make stuff up? Like for example, suppose I don't ride a motorcycle, but I think it would be cool if I did, could I put that down because it sounds cool?

Cupid: Absolutely not.

Me: What about a moped?

Cupid: Look, it's not what the lie is, it's the fact that you're lying. And who would lie to say they rode a moped? That's ridiculous. You'd more likely lie and say that you didn't, if you did.

Me: I'm just trying to get a feel for the boundaries here.

Cupid: You know what, just skip this section. There's six thousand other people on-line right now, and I need to get to them as well, so we really need to move this along.

Me: What about a scooter? Actually, are a scooter and a moped the same thing? I was never 100% clear on the difference there.

Cupid: You're the worst summarizer we've ever had.

Me: Well that's not a very nice thing to say.

Cupid: Moving on...

What I'm doing with my life

Cupid: What are you doing with your life these days?

Me: I make entertainment products.

Cupid: Entertainment products?

Me: You know, music software, computer games, entertainment applications people use on their iPhone; that sort of thing.

Cupid: It's funny you should mention that, because I've actually been thinking it would be awesome if there was an iCupid app for iPhone. I have some great ideas...

Me: Why does everyone always think they have a great idea for an iPhone app?

Cupid: What do you mean?

Me: Seriously, everyone. You can't say you develop software for the iPhone without people immediately telling you about their app.

Cupid: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I'm not kidding. Like, no matter where I go, if someone asks me what I do and I mention iPhone development, they're like, "I have this great idea for an app! Get this - you hold the phone up to your cheek, and it's got this big nasty pimple on the screen, and then you reach up and pinch the pimple and it squirts all over. It's called iPimple. Or iZit. I haven't decided."

Cupid: I would absolutely buy that for $0.99.

Me: See? This is what I'm talking about. I'm not mentioning the iPhone for the rest of this profile.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Cupid: What do you spend your time thinking about?

Me: Everything!

Cupid: Why do you have to make every question difficult?

Me: I'm not! I actually like thinking about everything. It's so satisfying! Figuring things out, analyzing, being inquisitive. If there's something worth thinking about, I will spend time thinking about it.

Cupid: Anything?

Me: Yes.

Cupid: Math?

Me: Absolutely! How could you not? There's more math to know than one person can really know in a lifetime, at this point. I don't know what my favorite kind of math is. Maybe linear algebra. Do you like math?

Cupid: No, I'm an angel.

Me: Oh.

Cupid: OK let's try a polar opposite. Theater.

Me: Theater is wonderful. Plays and musicals both. Stories are fascinating in general, don't you think? There's so much structure to the way we tell stories, and so many unanswered questions about why some stories work and some don't. And musicals can be even more intricate, because you have this whole other medium that's being integrated and the two have to reinforce eachother. I think that's why there are so many bad musicals: it's a really difficult medium! Do you like musicals?

Cupid: I can never get in. There's always a "no shirt, no service" policy, and I only have the diaper, really.

Me: Yeah I can see that being a problem.

Cupid: Anyhow, I'm sure there are things you don't spend time thinking about. Like, how about rainbows?

Me: Are you kidding? How can you not think about rainbows? They've got it all. Beautiful things that come from intricate phenomenon are endlessly thought-provoking, don't you think? I mean you've got light, and the wavelengths of light, and you've got the prismatic behavior of suspended water droplets dispersing the light... and if you're not careful, from there you're going to think about how you're seeing the light in the first place, and the lens in your eye, and then how it hits the retina, and how your optic nerve sends the colors to your brain, and why your brain thinks it's beautiful...

Cupid: Do you really think about all that when you see a rainbow?

Me: At least!

Cupid: I can see why you're on okcupid.

Me: Yeah, it's a problem.

You should message me if

Cupid: What sorts of people would you like to message you?

Me: I'm not super touchy with people at first. I usually have to know someone well before I'm comfortable with physical contact of any kind, really.

Cupid: What are you talking about?

Me: Well I don't want just some random person giving me a massage. That's ridiculous. Some people have boundaries, OK? I'm sorry we don't all go around half-naked in nothing but a diaper like some kind of Baby New Years pageant reject, but some people like to maintain a sense of decorum when they're...

Cupid: I said MESSAGE you.

Me: Oh.

Cupid: Yeah.

Me: I'm really sorry about what I said just now. I was upset, I got defensive. The diaper works. Really it does.

Cupid: Look this is the last question, OK? Can you just answer it so I can move on to the next person before this entire site comes to a screeching halt because you can't answer these questions like a normal human being?

Me: I said I was sorry!

Cupid: Answer.

Me: OK, OK. Well, I would like to meet people who are obsessively curious like me. Whenever I find something new, I want to be able to dissect it, break it down, figure out everything there is to know about it, and then learn how to create something like it or simulate it. It's very rare that I meet anyone like this, and so in relationships I have to keep a lot of my thoughts to myself, because the other person just isn't that excited about figuring things out. It's unfulfilling for me, and it always wears me out eventually. So I always hope that someday I'll meet someone who feels the same way, and then we can both talk to eachother about everything and it will be magical and wonderful and we'll go to bed at night still talking about something we're working on, and wake up every morning and one of us will say something like, "I figured it out in my sleep!" and the other one will say, "Tell me, tell me!"

Cupid: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was actually a good answer.

Me: Really?

Cupid: Yes. I mean nobody's going to wade through the absolute crap you gave me for answers to the previous questions, so they're probably never going to read it, but if they do, I think it would tell them exactly what they need to know.

Me: Great! What now?

Cupid: Well, you should probably go upload a photo of yourself.

Me: But I don't have a photo of myself.

Cupid: So go take one!

Me: You ask me to do a hell of a lot of work, you know that?

Cupid: You're asking me to find you a special someone whom you yourself have failed to find for many years, and I'm asking you to fill in a profile and upload a photograph. Are you really saying that I'm the one asking you to do too much work?

Me: Touche.

The following two entries are the additional Cupid dialogues Casey created for his "journal", a feature on OKCupid that allowed you to periodically post text, and to which other users could subscribe.

Journal Entry 1

Cupid: So, it's been two days, how's the site working out for you?

Me: Terrible! You've completely ruined my profile!

Cupid: What do you mean?

Me: Here, let me read you the latest message in my inbox.

Cupid: OK...

Me: "Your profile is hilARious! LUV LUV LUV the Cupid! More Cupid please!"

Cupid: Someone wrote that to you?

Me: Yes. And here's the next one, "Great profile! Cupid is so wonderful. Can't wait to see more Cupid!"

Cupid: Aww! That's so sweet.

Me: Sweet? Don't you see what's happening here?

Cupid: No.

Me: You're stealing all of my visitors!

Cupid: Oh, come on. You're jumping to conclusions.

Me: Really? OK, how about this one, from yesterday.

Cupid: Shoot.

Me: "Hey Dillamond, where are the Cupid pics? Please post Cupid pics! Preferably just Cupid, not you..."

Cupid: Well, OK, I can see how that makes it sounds bad...

Me: I wasn't finished. "... or if you are in the pictures too, please pick ones where it will be easy to crop. Thanks!"

Cupid: Ouch.

Me: Still wasn't finished. "xoxoxox (to Cupid)"

Cupid: Um...

Me: That was from someone called "screechgrrl29".

Cupid: Oh, screechgrrl!

Me: I see you already know eachother.

Cupid: Of course, I know everyone on the site, that's my job.

Me: I'm sure.

Cupid: Listen, don't worry about the fact that she wanted pictures of me and not you. You wouldn't have liked her anyway.

Me: Oh really. Your little match algorithm tell you that, did it?

Cupid: Yes, of course. You two don't match at all. You're like, super low. Like 25%, 30%... not even worth mentioning.

Me: Let me see.

Cupid: Um, I can't do that, really, these are the results of, uh, highly confidential internal algorithms, and you're not allowed to...

Me: Let me see! Give me that clipboard!

Cupid: No! Get away from that! Stop it! Give it back!

Me: Hah! Hmm... OK, let's see here...

Cupid: This is a massive breach of site policy.

Me: sarafinasea... sblattehevn...

Cupid: I can't believe you stole my clipboard.

Me: Ah, here we are, screechgrrl29.

Cupid: I hope you're happy.

Me: It says 95% here on this form!

Cupid: Uh, you're reading it wrong. You don't know how to read the...

Me: I'm not reading it wrong! It says "Match 95%", right here!

Cupid: That's just shorthand. That's not what it means at all.

Me: And what's this? What are these notes here?

Cupid: Don't read that!

Me: Is this a tech support log?

Cupid: That is strictly confidential! Give me back that clipboard right now!

Me: "BUG #82847 - CUPID - OPENED: screechgrrl29 way too good for Dillamond. Match algorithm broken?"

Cupid: Uh...

Me: "BUG #82847 - VENUS - CLOSED: Ran with debug annotation. Match appears correct."

Cupid: See? Everything's fine!

Me: There's more.

Cupid: Ugh.

Me: "BUG #82847 - CUPID - REOPENED: Idiot doesn't know difference between scooter and moped (see profile). Please double-check."

Cupid: Listen, I can explain that.

Me: Can you?

Cupid: Not really.

Me: I can't believe you called me an idiot!

Cupid: Well you're the one that called me a Baby New Year's pageant reject!

Me: I apologized for that!

Cupid: But it was already out there!

Me: OK look. Obviously we got off on the wrong foot. All I'm saying is, I don't see myself getting a date with anyone if all they want to talk about is you.

Cupid: OK, OK, I get it.

Me: Well, what am I suppose to do now?

Cupid: Look, don't worry. Since it's sort-of my fault, I'll help you out.

Me: How?

Cupid: Well, you should send some messages to people that you like. And, don't take this the wrong way, but given what happened with the profile questions, I'm guessing that you're not exactly going to be a natural at it.

Me: You're not making me feel any better.

Cupid: I'll help you with the messages. We'll write them together. I promise it'll work, I see thousands of messages a day, I know what works.

Me: OK, if you say so.

Cupid: I do. Just sit tight, I have a bunch of stuff I have to go take care of, but I'll be back.

Journal Entry 2

Cupid: Dillamond!

Me: Hey, Cupid.

Cupid: What's wrong?

Me: I'm just having trouble finding matches. There's thousands of people on here, and I've been reading all day...

Cupid: Wait, where's the Staff Robot? I sent it over here while I was gone so it could help you find some matches for us to message when I got back...

Me: Yeah, it's in the corner. I had to shut it off.

Cupid: Well that's why you're having trouble finding matches! The whole point is to use the matching algorithm.

Me: Right, I understand that, but I couldn't get the match droid to do a match search because of my ricemaker.

Cupid: It's called the Staff Robot. It's not a "match droid".

Me: OK.

Cupid: But what does it have to do with your ricemaker?

Me: Well, a while back I got tired of my cheap ricemakers always breaking, so I decided to buy a really fancy one. So I looked on-line and I bought this one from Japan that has all kinds of crazy features, and looked really sturdy.

Cupid: What does this have to do with the Staff Robot?

Me: Well, the ricemaker is sort of... cute, you know? And it has a polished metal exterior...

Cupid: OK...

Me: And a big red button...

Cupid: Yeah...

Me: It beeps... and of course it's warm, because I was making rice today...

Cupid: I still don't see where you're going with this.

Me: Alright I'm just going to come right out and say it. I think the match droid wants to get with my ricemaker.

Cupid: What!?

Me: Look I didn't want to say it, you were being obtuse!

Cupid: I was being obtuse? I was being obtuse?

Me: Yes!

Cupid: I was being obtuse because it didn't leap into my mind that our Staff Robot might have an unhealthy fixation on your ricemaker?

Me: I felt like I intimated it rather clearly.

Cupid: OK it doesn't matter. Where's the ricemaker now?

Me: I put it in the closet.

Cupid: Well why can't you use the Staff Robot now then?

Me: I tried! It just kept hovering outside the closet and making this weird clicky beeping sound.

Cupid: Oh man... OK, well, I'll start the memory erasing procedure on it then. Just don't take that ricemaker out again while you're on the site.

Me: Trust me, I won't.

Cupid: I'll get the Staff Robot back up and running and then we can search for some matches for you.

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